Amendment 99

By Rodney Ohebsion

Most people have a lot to say about the government--but almost none of those
people really get to the crux of the matter. I mean, there's a matter, and there's
a crux. A lot of people bring up the matter. But when it comes to the crux, they
don't get to it. They don't get to the crux of the matter, the way I'm gonna get
to the crux of the matter right now. Although now that I think about it, I'm not
sure I know what the word "crux" means. What the hell is a crux?
Anyways, let's talk about the government. What's the one thing our
government cares about the most? I'll give you a clue. Let's say that you record
yourself burning an American flag, punching a life size Obama doll in the face,
and eating a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts--and then you post that video on
YouTube, and you title it, "Fuck America, Fuck Obama, I Love Donuts."
What'll the government do? Nothing. They won't arrest you, they won't fine
you, and they won't even post a comment on your video that says, "Just a
reminder, donut boy: we told you to eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a
day." Now, let's say instead of doing all that stuff, you save Obama's life, you
eat a dozen carrots, and you have three cents in unpaid taxes. What'll the
government do? Well, at 3:00, Obama will shake your hand for saving his life.
At 3:05, he'll tell you to get out of his office. And at 3:10, Uncle Sam will wrap
a flag around your neck and squeeze until three pennies pop right out of your
ass. Because here's some crux for you: when it comes to money, the
government is gonna get paid. If they find out that George Washington owes
them three cents, then they'll dig up his corpse, take his wooden teeth, and
chop down his cherry tree.
The love of money is the root of all government. If you have a job, the
government acts like you're out on the street working for them. Every time you
get a paycheck, Uncle Sam tells you, "Give me my cash and get back to work,
bitch!" Is he your uncle, or your pimp? At the IRS, they refer to all taxpayers as

"ho's." As in, "This ho is hiding cash! I better notify our Department of Open a
Ho's Purse and Take That Ho's Money."
You know how some charities send you a letter each month that says, "Thank
you for your $20 donation. We used the money to give Miguelito three shirts,
20 days of school, and 63 meals." I think the government should send you a
letter every year that says, "Thank you for the $10,000 in income taxes. We
used the money to buy two potato peelers and one yellow balloon, you dirty
ho."
Here's what the government does tell us. "Last year, we lost $1.6 trillion and
500,000 jobs. This year, we only lost $1.5 trillion and 400,000 jobs. We
reduced the deficit and slowed down the job loss rate. Someone pop open the
champagne, peel the potatoes, and break out the yellow balloon." I wonder
what would happen if some guy tried that with his wife. "Honey--I slept with 8
women this month, compared to 10 women last month. My infidelity rate is
down 20%. And my herpes rate is down 50%. And I only took $90 out of your
purse, instead of the usual $100."
How did the Founding Fathers' democracy lead to a potato peeler
government? Let's look into the matter, and see if we can get to the crux.
In the 1760s, the British told America, "Give us money. A lot of money. Dolla
dolla bill, y'all. Cheery cheerio, chaps." Then in 1773, some Americans in
Boston told the British, "Tell King George that if he wants to eat Cheerios,
we're ain't paying for them. It's party time here in Boston. You see these boxes
of tax-inflated tea? You see this harbor? There you go. Splash. USA! USA!"
And then on July 4th, 1776, the Founding Fathers sent The Declaration of
Independence. It said, "All dolla dolla bills are gonna stay right here in our
American pant pant pockets. We declare independence. We're the land of the
free, home of the brave, land of the brave, home of the free, home of the land
of the free and the brave, we have guns, and this is America! Piss off!
Sincerely, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, John Hancock, and A Few
Dozen Other Wig Wearing, Beer Drinking, Soccer Hating, Pissed Off Patriots."
Then after the British received the Declaration of Independence, they sent
back a letter that said, "Firstly, we'd like to compliment Mr. Hancock on his
impressive penmanship. We especially enjoyed the swirly business at the end

of his K. Very nice. Kudos to him and his K. And secondly, it appears as if we
have ourselves a bit of a disagreement. The thing is, we're Great Britain. We're
great. Are you guys great? Are you great America? No. You're not even Good
America, or even OK America. You're just America. Therefore, we, Great
Britain, refuse to piss off. Now give us our cash and get back to work, you dirty
American ho's!"
Then the colonies won the Revolutionary War and passed the Constitution. It
says, "This is America! Alright? Now let's get to the crux of the matter. Around
here, we don't pay tea taxes. And we don't watch foreign movies. We
Americanize them. 'Cause George Washington doesn't want to watch
Frenchmen eating croissants. He wants to see Americans drinking gravy
straight out of a gravy boat. USA! USA! Also, around here, we don't believe in
all that king and queen bullshit. We go with the people's bullshit--a.k.a.
democracy. So there you go. There's the Constitution. But wait. There's more.
The amendments. Americans have the right to say shit, not say shit, vote for
shit, keep their shit, shoot shit, and drink shit. And they can't be punished for
shit before they're convicted of it, tried for shit after they've been acquitted of
it, or whipped and tarred and feathered for shit after they've been convicted of
it."
OK. I think we're getting closer to the crux. We're getting there. Let's continue.
There's a Constitution. Nowadays, we have the right to vote for shit. You, John
Q. Public, and Kool & the Gang pay your taxes, watch CNN, go to a polling
booth, and cast your votes for President This Guy, Senator So and So, and
Congressman Whoever. Then they hang out in DC. The fiscal year ends. They
put out a financial report that most of us don't read. And it says, "We spent $4
trillion to give you a military, some money for low earners and senior citizens,
a little health care, a lot of cheap corn, an occasional rocket to the moon, and
PBS specials about llamas, Louis XIV's reupholstered sofas, and Lorenzo de
Medici's favorite pasta dishes." And then the politicians have a press
conference where they announce to you, "Last year, we went into your home,
unzipped our pants, and took a piss on your sofa once a week. This year, we
took a piss on your chair once a month. We reduced the piss-on-yourfurniture rate."
Hmm. I don't know about you, Mr. Public, Mr. Kool, and Mr. The Gang--but
as for me, Mr. Washington, Mr. Jefferson, and Mr. Hancock, we smell

something a little unconstitutional about all of this. And I smell a lot of piss on
my chair. I think we need to let those politicians know that if they want to pee,
they better do it in a toilet. And if they run up a $4 trillion bill, they better
deliver us $4 trillion worth of shit. $4 trillion in, $4 trillion out. It ain't magic.
We're not asking the government to take a hat, and then pull out a rabbit that
lays a goose that lays a $4 trillion golden egg. We just want to see the
government put a quarter in their left hand, and then not make that quarter
disappear.
Here's an idea. Let's hogtie Uncle Sam, and drop that son of a bitch off at
Walmart. That'll fix the budget. Do you know how much you can get at
Walmart for $4 trillion? Are you kidding me? At Walmart, you can run a
country for just $4billion. That's enough to get you universal health care,
100,000 TVs, 3 militaries, a million Garth Brooks CDs, and 315 million bald
eagle sleeveless t-shirts. I'm a pissed off, patriotic American who believes in
the Constitution. That's why last year, I didn't send the IRS a $10,000 check. I
sent them a $10,000 Walmart gift card.
But I'm not so sure that's gonna fix the budget. I have an even better idea.
Have you ever heard of a citizen's arrest? Well, I want to make a citizen's
amendment. Amendment 28. "The President and all members of Congress
shall be sent to Canada through Priority Mail, and replaced with 536 Walmart
shoppers and employees." From now on, any time you're at a Walmart, just
address everyone there as "Senator," "Congressman," and "Mr. President." As
in, "Mr. President. I'd like to return this British tea for a bald eagle sleeveless
t-shirt. USA! USA!" As far as I'm concerned, our Founding Fathers are George
Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, and Sam Walton.
That's my Uncle Sam. Not that asshole who hangs out at the IRS and refers to
me as a ho.
If we can't get the folks at Walmart to run our government, we should be
willing to settle for anyone who spends money less wastefully than our current
Democrats and Republicans. The 536 people we have right now are the 536
worst spenders in the entire country. They rank way below the Walmartians-and they even rank below the Kardashians. President Kardashian might spend
$2 billion of our budget on Fendi bags and Manolo Blahnik heels--but at least
she won't piss away $200 billion on potato peelers. Amendment 29: "The
Democratic and Republican parties shall be banned from DC, and replaced
with the Walmart and Kardashian parties. The only politicians we want here

are Barack Hussein Walton and George W. Kardashian. And lets's also add an
Extra Value Party, with politicans like Ronald McDonald Reagan."
I also have a plan to make the government decrease our $17 trillion in debt.
Amendment 30: "Our debt shall be transferred to a drug dealer." That should
work. Because it's easy to borrow another truckload of hundred dollar bills
from China--but it's not easy to borrow another handful of quarters from Ray
Ray the crack dealer. [President:] "Mr. Ray. How you doing, homey? It's the
President. About that $17 trillion and 47 cents we owe you. I don't know if you
read through my new year budget--but we're gonna borrow another $5 trillion
from you. Is that cool, homeskillet?" [Ray Ray:] "Actually, it ain't cool. I'm
from Brooklyn--not Beijing. No soy sauce--just hot sauce. If you raise your
ceiling, I'm gonna raise my floor on your Presidential ass. Give me my money,
bitch." On the other hand, if we transfer our debt to Ray Ray, the President
might hand America's ownership papers to an Indian Chief, and say, "Good
news! We're giving you guys the country back. By the way--you owe $17
trillion and 47 cents. I hope you make a lot of blackjack profits. Ray Ray's
gonna drop by here in about five minutes to collect a $53 billion payment and
your left kidney."
Here's one reason why the government spends so wastefully nowadays. Did
you know that in the original Constitution, there's another branch of
government that's been phased out over time? If you want real checks and
balances, you need all four branches: Executive, Legislative, Judicial, and
Redneck. Redneck is actually the main one. The Redneck branch is one
redneck. There are five qualifications. One: he's an American citizen. Two:
He's at least 20 years old. Three: he's crazy. Four: he's pissed off about the
government. And five: he's drunk. He's not hard to elect. Every four years, we
just take some guy driving a F150 in Alabama, we put him in DC, and we give
him a can of Busch Beer every 76 minutes. We need to bring that branch back.
The President will present a new budget, with the usual proposal to spend $4
trillion on balloons. And then our redneck will say, "That's a nice plan, Mr.
President. But the 13 stripes on my flag and 12 bullets in my gun don't like it.
These stripes and bullets are fiscal conservatives."
Considering the way our government spends money, I think what we really
need is amendment 99: "No more representation. The United States will go
back to a monarchy, and our king will be the CEO of the 99 Cent Store." Yeah.
Because that guy's working actual magic. Rabbit, hat, goose, golden egg--you

can buy all of that shit for 99 cents. Have you ever heard of supply, demand,
and the rules of economics? The 99 Cent Store invalidates 99% of those rules.
You want a calendar with cute pictures of kitten? At Barnes and Noble, it's
$15. At Walmart, it's $3. At the 99 Cent Store, it's 33 cents, and it's next to a
pair of 99 cent jeans and a packet of 33 cent magic beans. When you plant the
beans, they grow into 99 rolls of toilet paper. When you go to Walmart after
the 99 Cent Store, Walmart's prices make you feel enraged. You feel like
protesting by throwing their merchandise into the Boston Harbor. With a lot
of stores, you leave feeling guilty that you spent so much. But the 99 Cent
Store is different. When you walk into one with twenty dollars, and you walk
out with a week's worth of food and a lifetime supply of socks, you feel guilty
that you spent so little. You do a double take any time you're at the checkout
stand. "$14.33? Are you sure? That can't be right. You do realize I have 99
carts full of tube socks, enchiladas, hot sauce, and bananas." Yeah. It's one
step away from shoplifting. Afterwards, you go to church. "Forgive me
Father--for I have sinned. The Day-o guy spent all day gathering bananas, the
Tally-man counted 193 of them--and I bought all of those bananas for 99
cents."
I think it's time for us to dump some tea in a harbor, dump some
Congressman in a landfill, and make the CEO of the 99 Cent Store the King of
America. Who's with me?