FilialFix FilialFix
By Vani Sar aswathi times forgetting to give them praise. TV our children watch, in the world we
Treats,
W
hen was the last time you
smirked at a mother strug-
gling with a child throwing
a tantrum in the middle of the super-
Tantrums and
market aisle? And then turned around
to watch your little angel pulling down
canned food from the shelves?
When parents can’t handle their kids,
Tormented Parents
what is the solution? One expert child
psychologist argues that it is the parents,
not the children, who have to change.
This tough-talking woman – Dr Tanya
Byron – puts her theory to the test
with real families and their nightmare
offspring. Hidden cameras, CCTV, ob-
servational filming and ‘parent cams’ all
capture the horror of families with child
trouble. The parents are guided through
tough, trying moments by the psycholo-
gist, who, using earpieces, microphones
and monitors, talks them through new
ways of dealing with their children. But
will it work? Will violent five year-old
Matthew, about to be excluded from
school for assaulting his dinner lady, be
brought back from the brink? And will
the mother of the three Barton brothers,
who never stop fighting, find a new way
to bring her boys into line?
Dr Byron, a Consultant Clinical
psychologist, is currently filming the
second series of Little Angels for BBC
Three, which is available on Showtime in
the region.
She speaks exclusively to Woman
Today on child challenges.
Are children becoming more difficult
to handle, or is it just a perception.
Are they really no different from the
parents or grandparents at that age?
This is a complicated question, children
are supposed to be naughty and as our
job as parents we are there to help them
communicate and learn the tools they
need for life. These days we live in such a
busy world with a lot of stress and some-
times we do not set aside the time our
children need. Or we are too tired and
do not have the energy. When children
are behaving we are happy to leave them
Dr Tanya Byron with Matt
playing and getting on with it, some-
january 2006 42
Then when our children misbehave we live in children over three are aware of
go in guns blazing. This leads children things that are going on but sometimes
to believe that to get the attention they do not understand and we must try and
require they have to be naughty to get it. explain this our children in a way they
Parents these days feel more isolated and understand. It seems that some children
there isn’t the family network there used do not have much of a childhood and we
to be, they spend a lot of time on their should let them behave like children.
own with their children as families are
not what they used to be. Is the shrinking of extended families
responsible for lack of respect for
Are parents losing control over their elders?
children? Condoning indiscipline In some cases as there are more divorces
under the pretext of allowing the child these days and parents may find it hard
to develop and explore? to put issues to one side. The shrinking
Often we treat our children as a lot older of extended families means that there
than they are, due to television children’s is not as much support and network as
speech is a lot more progressed at earlier there may have been years ago but by
ages. Therefore we tend to have big being around adults whether family
conversations with children under 3 and friends or families children will learn
therefore feel as though they should be to respect elders. However I must say
less inclined to misbehave as we feel they that there is a lot of good parenting and
are more developed than they actually happy children out there. The cases that
are. Under 3 years olds have limited we look at on TV are the severe cases of
attention and if they misbehave it’s families and upbringing as this is what
sometimes not enough to talk to them, makes television.
in these cases actions speak louder than
words. We should have control over the What kind of responsibility should
the school/teachers take in a child’s
upbringing? Does the onus lie exclu-
sively on the parent?
Children spend a lot of time at school so
teachers should take some responsibil-
ity. Teachers feel frustrated sometimes
due to restrictions that have been put
in place on the way they manage the
children.
Often parents may push responsibility
A still from Little Angels on the teachers but this should not be
Having worked in the fields of health psychology (in areas including AIDS/HIV,
drug misuse and sexual health) and women’s mental health, Dr Byron specialised in
child and adolescent mental health where she treats young children with behav-
ioural issues, such as problems with aggression, sleeping or eating. More recently
she has worked with adolescents with a variety of emotional and behavioural
difficulties including depression, self harm, eating disorders, psychiatric problems
and suicidal behaviour. She has also worked with children who have been sexually,
physically and emotionally abused; and for six years was the consultant clinical
psychologist at an in-patient unit for 12- to 16-year-olds.
Tanya teaches a variety of psychological subjects to all health staff and, in particu-
lar, runs a Department of Health ‘beacon’ awarded training course in the manage-
ment and de-escalation of violence and aggression. She also writes for consumer
and professional magazines. Tanya is married with two young children and lives in
London.
january 2006 43
FilialFix
the case, the primary responsibility lies
with the parents.
The children are the parent’s responsi-
bility and the upbringing begins in the
home.
How do you differentiate between an
active child and hyper-active child?
If a child is medically diagnosed as
hyper-active then this is a long assess-
ment between a lot of people including
january 2006 44
the parent, teacher and psychologist and
a lot of disciplines and assessments must
be put in place. If a child is active at
home and then in the classroom is able
to sit still, learn and concentrate then
this is an active child. However if a child
in the classroom where rules and bound-
aries are set and still cannot focus then
this child would have to be investigated
further to see what problems the child
may have and how they can be helped.
At what age does one start disciplin-
ing a child?
From infancy, as they need to form
attachments and understand who there
primary caregivers are. They need to
create bonds through physical reaction.
When a parent picks up a child every
time they cry this will enable the child
to understand how their behaviour can
influence a parent and problems can
occur. Disciplines should be gently
introduced and boundaries set to prepare
the toddler for when they are introduced
into socials groups. They need to learn
basics how to share and communicate at
this early age is vital.
What do you do with a child throwing
tantrums in public? Do you discipline
him/her in public?
It is important for the child to learn at
the time, it’s hard sometimes as you feel
as though you have the eyes of the world
on you. However, if you can ignore this
then discipline the child at the time.
By not letting your child have a treat or
watch their favourite TV show when they
return home are good ways of teaching
your child they cannot throw tantrums.
How do you tackle the first child, after
the birth of the second? Discipline and
adjustment issues...
You need to prepare your child for the
arrival of your new baby. They maybe a
little cross and feel jealous when the baby
arrives, so be gentle if they show resent-
ment. Give them huge praise when your
child helps with the new baby or shows
kindness. This can be a difficult time be
patient but also let the child know they
cannot get away with things and if any
FilialFix
Tanya’s Tips
Tantrums
Try to prevent tantrums with praise.
Imagine you’ve got a bucketful of
praise in every room of the house with
a big ladle. Every time your child does
something wonderful, get that ladle and
use it to shower praise. “That is lovely,
thank you darling...” or “Oh look, you’re
playing so nicely.” Just tell them all the
things they need to hear to get it into
their head that they get attention for
being lovely. Tantrums happen to all
parents. They do not mean you are a
bad parent. You can try to prevent them
with praise and sticker charts. If that
fails you can try to distract the tantrums
away. But once started, the best way to
stop them is to ignore them.
Remember: distract, ignore but do not
punish.
Rewards
A good way of motivating children and
avoiding tantrums is with stickers. At
home, a sticker chart is a great way of
encouraging good behaviour. Each time
your child is good, give them a sticker.
Naughty behaviour gets a ‘sad face’.
Points mean prizes – enough stickers
get them a treat. Mini sticker charts can
also work when you’re out.
Positive example
It’s straightforward but it works – your
children will copy you. Swear and they
will swear, smack and they will smack.
Lead by example.
Night-time routine
Sleep is essential for healthy child devel-
opment so establish a regular bedtime
routine. Routine means bath, pyjamas,
a quiet story on the sofa; the bedroom
should be a no drink zone, telly off,
lights out. A consistent bedtime routine
will greatly benefit your children: they
get the security of knowing what comes
next – that bedtime is for being tucked
in and sleeping. If they continue to get
out of bed, gently help them back with
no fuss, chat or attention – however
many times it takes - until the message
is clear. They get a gold star and a treat
in the morning if they sleep through.
Going out needn’t be a nightmare
Try engaging your children in what’s
going on and motivate them to be-
have well. If they demand toys or start
whingeing, distract them and, if neces-
sary, ignore them. If you can overcome
the red face, ignoring is a very powerful
tool but you need nerves of steel! Stay
calm, feel in control and you’ll have a
nice day.
Structure and stimulation
Children need stimulation and parents
are the number one playmate – try to
spend some playtime with your children
every day. Too much TV can lead chil-
dren to become passive recipients, ham-
pering social, emotional and education-
al development. Children want parental
attention – by decreasing the amount of
TV they watch children become more
aware of the world around them and
concentration should improve. Try less
TV in the daytime, more walks and trips
to the playground. Play games, sing
songs, read stories – but above all enjoy
your children!
january 2006 45
problems persist a stricter routine may
have to be enforced.
Should you allow friends and extended
family to discipline or chide your
child?
If you trust them and they have good
friendships then yes! Family and friends
need to know the rules that you have
with your children, it’s good to be open
and honest. When another adult is look-
ing after your child they should be in
charge and this will allow the child to
have a healthy respect for other adults.
What are the most common com-
plaints you receive from parents?
The most common complaints are temper
tantrums and this is largely due to the
children not wanting to go to bed and
not sleeping. This has a huge impact
on the whole family. Another common
problem is children not eating at meal
times, refusing to eat.
How many of the problems parents
come to you with are imagined?
If parents feel they have problems with
their children, then they do and it’s my
job to help them resolve these problems