Established in January, albeit a more 2009-ish one

January

The Pittiful News

The Weekly Satirical Newspaper of the
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Studiously Transmitted Diseases Run Rampant
By: Rachel Harris
Editor, Staff Writer
Although the spring semester
has just recently begun, Stu-
dent Health Services has re-
ported a marked increase in the
number of Studiously Trans-
mitted Diseases, or STDs,
among the student body.
Many of these STDs are the
result of increased course loads
for the new semester; others are
spread because poor weather
forces students to remain in-
doors more often, thus causing
many to resort to studying.
Few students realize, however,
what a dangerous decision this
is to make.
Well, I‟m glad we got that out of the way.
University of Pittsburgh • Vol. 2 • Issue 14
Studiously Transmitted Dis-
eases may be caused by a spe-
cific discipline, or, more com-
monly, by studying many sub-
jects overall. Such infections
are airborne over short dis-
tances; most are contracted
during homework or study ses-
sions, although a significant
number of cases are reported to
have been contracted during
lecture, primarily by students
near the front of the room.
Undecided students may find
themselves stuck with a case of
General Warts, which result
from being worrisome over de-
ciding what one will major in.
Sometimes, a student deep in
Eileen Tong/Photographer painful hand cramps
thought over which path they
would like their life to take will
suddenly sprout General Warts
all over their entire body. Most
common among freshmen, this
STD is, thankfully, usually
quarantined in Litchfield Tow-
ers for the duration of term. If
any upperclassmen are unfor-
tunate enough to contract this
infection, they are urged to
seek medical treatment and
academic advising immedi-
ately.
A disease that causes severe
cephalic clogging, likely due to
copious amounts of memoriza-
tion, is Brain Inundation Obe-
sity; it is commonly referred to
as “the Clapp” by stu-
dents, after the build-
ing on campus from
which most cases
originate. Similarly,
Completely Apathetic
and Languorous Con-
dition, or C.A.L.C., is
a debilitating disease
marked by fatigue and
listlessness, and gener-
ally results from com-
pletion of extensive
problem sets in the
area of mathematics.
Huge Paper Volume,
an infection that com-
monly afflicts those
students majoring the
in humanities, mani-
fests itself as a series of
22
2010
and may easily be confused
with carpal tunnel syndrome.
The greatest studiously
transmitted scourge on campus
is, of course, High Energy Re-
view Pertaining to Exams Syn-
drome, or H.E.R.P.E.S. As
may be expected, this disease is
most frequently contracted
through exam review sessions,
and is both extremely unpleas-
ant and highly contagious.
Symptoms of this STD include
perspiration, stomach cramps,
dizziness, déjà vu, mood
swings, sterility, and death.
H.E.R.P.E.S. becomes an even
greater threat during midterms
and finals; however, students
are at a constant risk through-
out the term. The best way to
prevent H.E.R.P.E.S. is to not
have any exams; in the event
that this strategy fails, it is
acceptable to simply not study.
To combat the growing STD
epidemic, Student Health Ser-
vices is urging students to “Be
safe, smart, and savvy during
study sessions,” and to
“Always have a rubber eraser
on hand.”
Love me? Hate me? Think my
hair looks stupid? Email me
questions, comments, and hair-
styling suggestions at
mc1r.variant@gmail.com.

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
Brittany Binder Becky Kerner Greg Norcie Matt Russak
Jess Edelstein Lewis Lehe Phil Papa David Smeresky
Rachel Harris John Mooney Julie Rozen Eileen Tong
Caitlin Kempf Brigid Mulholland Mike Ruane Emma Weimer
Want to see your name here? Send us an e-mail and join our staff. PittifulNews@gmail.com.
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com
University to bring out professional quirks
By: Jake Swanson
Editor-in-Chief
The University will be offer-
ing a course in Professional-
ism, so that students can learn
how to properly interact in the
world.
The course, which currently
falls under the Philosophy
major, is modeling itself on the
greatest examples of success
possible, such as Dr. Gregory
House and Simon Cowell.
“Everyone‟s watched TV,
and everyone‟s thought „I wish
I could be like House.‟ Even
when you‟re watching South
Park, you think that. With
Intro to Professionalism, that
goal is going to be achieved,”
said University advisor Charlie
Reese.
The course is going to train
students mainly how to stand
out and have certain quirks.
These quirks will be judged on
an individual level between
each student.
“Everyone‟s different,” said
Guy Holmes, a teacher who
will be instructing one of the
first PHIL 106.1 courses.
“Everyone has that special
quirk within them. Whether
it‟s making everything into a
metaphor for classic TV shows
or doing ridiculous voices to
get your point across, every-
one has a quirk. This course is
merely going to seek to expand
the potential of those quirks.”
Students who are getting
enrolled in the course are rela-
tively nervous about their own
quirks.
“It‟s not like you can learn
it. It‟s just something that
grows with you,” said sopho-
more Steve Norton. “Finding
your quirk is like planting a
rhododendron in a desert. It‟s
hard.”
The course is designed in a
way, though, that if the stu-
dent lacks that certain level of
quirkiness, they can pull out in
time.
“The first couple of days are
all about finding your special
something,” said Reese.
“That‟s still during the Add/
Drop period, so, by the time
that you can‟t drop the course,
you should already know
whether or not you can suc-
ceed in it.”
Dean Deana Hubertson is
putting her full support behind
the project.
“I think that by introducing
into the world more lawyers
who win their cases by yelling
at the defendant, or creating
doctors who take the necessary
risk of using untested medicine
on a patient suffering from
melanoma, we can make this
world safer and better,” said
Hubertson.
The course is soon to be ex-
panded out of the realm of
Philosophy, and into its own
major.
“We are definitely going to
create a Professional major,”
said Reese. “It will be 30 cred-
its, and will be abbreviated as
PRO. Because we‟re pros
here.”
The major will include nec-
essary courses in disrespect
and sexual behavior in the
workplace. The basic premises
of these courses appears to be
teaching students to treat
their underlings and clients
with the utmost contempt and
to f*** everyone that you
work with.
The Dean is also spreading
the influence of the new major
to clubs and University work-
places.
“I feel that some students
aren‟t going to have the time
to take the major. If they do
that, then they won‟t know
how to properly live,” said
Hubertson. “We‟re offering
incentives, though, to club
members and student employ-
ees to act as professional as
possible.”
Examples of these include a
student in the Spanish Club
earning a loaned-scholarship
for using French to figure out
what a word meant, and a
Computer Lab employee
earned a handful of OCC cred-
its for breaking a printer so
that it would not print some
illegal use of quota.
“Computer labs, librarians,
Nordy‟s Place, they‟re all go-
ing to be encouraged to treat
students with as little respect
as possible,” said Hubertson.
“The future is being created
here, and it is a beautiful fu-
ture.”
The Pittiful News attempted
to talk to a Nordy‟s Place em-
ployee to see if they were do-
ing anything to show their
professionalism. The only re-
sponse was “f*** off, I‟m
working.”
The Dean is already writing
a letter of recommendation to
Harvard Law for that em-
ployee.
Are you scared of the new ma-
jor? Excited? Turned on? E-
mail PittifulNews@gmail.com,
and let your opinion be known.
I’M ALWAYS CRANKY, BUT AT LEAST I KNOW
HOW TO GET IN CONTACT WITH THE PITTIFUL
NEWS!
THERE’S A MEETING AT 9:00, THIS MON-
DAY, IN ROOM 329 OF THE CATHEDRAL!
ALSO, I CAN E-MAIL STORIES TO
PITTIFULNEWS@GMAIL.COM!
CONTACT THEM OR I’LL EAT YOU!
Student appar-
ently not dead.
So he says.
LETTER
TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor,
Once again you bastards have
“killed” me, yet I still remain very
much alive. This time however the
alleged cause of my death is more
farfetched than starving to death in
Market Central or dying from the
Swine Flu. My mind was blown by
watching a movie, really? About
the only thing you got right in this
story is that I happened to see Ava-
tar. While the movie did happen to
visually striking my mind was defi-
nitely not blown. The story is noth-
ing new just another environment
good, big corporations and republi-
cans evil, it’s essentially a re-
packed version of An Inconvenient
Truth if it were narrated by smurfs
and had a few more explosions.
But whatever I’m sure I will have
to right another one of these letters
when you F***ers kill me next
semester.
-Donny Durden
Art by Phil Papa