what love is, what love is not

based on the Triangular Theory of love

by Robert Sternberg

Robert (Bob) Sternberg

(Dec. 8, 1949/ New Jersey)

American Psychologist known for his works on

intelligence, creativity, cognitive styles and love
suffered from Test Anxiety, developed Sternberg Test of
Mental Ability
graduated summa cum laude from Yale University (BA
Psychology), earned his PhD from Standford University
became Dean of the Arts and Sciences in Tufts University
and currently a professor in Oklahoma State University
President, American Psychological Association (2003)
belongs to the top 100 psychologist in the 20th century
best known works: Triarchic Theory of Intelligence &
Triangular Theory of Love

Triangular Theory of Love

Intimacy

Non-Love - All Sides Absent (No

Passion, Intimacy or Commitment)
Basically, this type of relationship is of
just an acquaintance.

liking

Intimacy
The friendship
Only (No
or specialness
Passion orof
Commitment)
the

relationship.
Can be summed
The feelings
up as having
of closeness,
intimacy
with
bondedness,
one another,
connectedness,
feeling close,
trust,
& trusting
and
one
friendship
another.
in the relationship.

Intimacy + Passion (No Commitment) This can be a

Intimacy + Commitment (No Passion) this usually occurs in

blossoming relationship where the couple feel like

older relationships where the couple remain best friends, but

best friends (friends with benefits). As experiences

no longer feel passion for one another. This type of love can

grow with one another, this type of love may develop

Commitment.

The best of all

types, the ideal

intimacy + passion

relationship, that

ROMANTIC LOVE

all couples would

Passion
infatuation

still be very satisfying and long-lasting.

intimacy + commitment
COMPANIONATE LOVE

like to achieve.

CONSUMMATE LOVE
intimacy + passion + commitment

passion + commitment
FATUOUS LOVE

Commitment
empty love

The business aspect of the relationship.

The
excitement
or
energy
of
the
relationship.
Commitment Only (No Passion or
Passion Only (No Intimacy or
This includes all the shared investments,
The feelings ofThis
physical
romance,
Intimacy) This is most often an older
Commitment)
tendsattraction,
to be a
Passion + Commitment (No Intimacy) or the history, of the relationship, such
and arousal
(particularly
sexual
arousal) in
relationship where the passion and
superficial
relationship
that is
one-sided,
This is a feeling of love because the
as decisions, experiences, and adjustments
the relationship
intimacy have diedlike falling out of
where
the couple are temporarily ga-ga
couple wants to be in lovebut they
love.
over one another. In Hollyword, this is
really have little in common.
known as a whirlwind romance.

its all in your head :}

love and the neurotransmitters

fact # 1
Love chemistry is definitely chemistry!
If you are wondering why you feel so high when you
are in love, it is because different chemicals in the
brain make you feel like you are on drugs

fact #2
people in love produce a higher-than-normal level of
chemicals.

Culprit: dopamine, phenylethylamine, & oxytocin

Dopamine is often called the "pleasure chemical".
It is the hormone that make lovers feel an erotic high when they see each
other.

Being a natural endorphin, it relaxes the body and kills pain.

Other symptoms of love chemistry that are related to dopamine are dilated
pupils, heart racing, slight perspiration, as well as euphoria and craving.

It is thanks to dopamine that people find the energy - or impulse - to meet

someone in the first place. Interestingly, high levels of dopamine are present in
people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. No wonder lovers are so
focused on each other!

phenylethylamine or PEA.

Sometimes referred to as the "hormone of libido", PEA is a natural

endorphin that makes people feel happy and attached, and that
increases sex drive.

It is present in large quantities in manic people.

Again, if people in love appear a bit insane to others, it may be
because they are!

oxytocin

is labeled the "cuddling hormone".

It is released by touch and during sexual experiences.
It also decreases mental processes and impairs memory. This
is why hugging and touching can help us recover from an
argument.
Thinking of someone we love can stimulate this hormone, as
well as soft lights, heat and romantic music.

Note that....
It is important to realize that the chemicals released by the brain in
love act exactly like drugs. With time, the brain becomes more
tolerant and the euphoric feeling slowly disappears. If the couple is
truly in love, passionate love turns into a more committed love. If it
was just infatuation, the couple breaks up.

Sometimes, the release of neurotransmitters stops faster with

one lover than with the other. Cindy is still "addicted", while

Ian is already sober. If Ian realizes he is not in love, he may

end the relationship, thus leaving Cindy totally devastated.

Cindy is still addicted and needs the "erotic high" provided by

Ian. Because of the breakup, she will go through withdrawal
and suffer just like any drug addict, not because Ian is the
love of her life.

Now, why doesn't this feeling last forever?

The in-love feeling that comes from the increased production

of chemicals (dopamine, PEA and oxytocin) brings an erotic
high in the new lovers' brain.

As it is the case for any drug, the effect doesn't last

forever. As i brain gets used to the "drugs", the euphoric
feeling tends to fade quickly, usually within one year, often
less, and is totally gone by the middle of the second year.