A DISCOURSE ON COHABITATION

Dr. Manorama Devi (M.A. PhD)

Ankit Sahu(B.Tech -Aerospace)

The arrival of the 21st century has seen many drastic changes in the mentality of people. Breach of
social protocol has become commonplace and the argumentative human brain has evolved enough to keep
questioning the well established traditions. But it also gives way to a number of difficult questions. One of
such questions is:
Is it wise to reject a way of life which has been successful for centuries, whose benefit is already
being reaped by the elders?
This question is in the context of a wide acceptance of, or so to say, recognition for cohabitation as a
substitute for marriage.
Live-in relationships are still a taboo in many parts of the country. Marriage, as a custom, is always
given a high respect and any relationship outside the wedlock is looked down upon. What are the factors
which have given rise to such a trend? Why is the society so reluctant to accept this change? Is this change a
welcome thing for the future of family and society or is it indeed a source of evil and adultery? Let us try to
gather a solution to these inquisitive doubts. In this text, a comparison between arranged marriages and livein relationships is made on the basis of the facts known to us as individuals, advocates of gender equality and
indeed, as citizens.
Marriage- An Institution
In India, the society is a bit complicated. The diversity which divides communities on the lines of
religion, caste, language, colour, gender and class, binds them together through marriage. Wedding is
considered as one of the most important events in the lifetime of a person. Its an occasion when whole of a
family and its extended branches gather to intermingle with another. If you watch Indian movies or read
novels based on Indian life dating back to the 90s, the most striking feature of the stories is that marriage, in
most, if not all stories, is the ideal happy ending. Weve often come across the phrase, And they lived
happily ever after which pertains to love stories where the protagonists enter the holy wedlock. As often
quoted by social observers studying India,
Marriage allows a couple to live together and permits it for physical, emotional and economic
togetherness; but it also binds two families for generations to come.

Marriage, in India, is considered sacred. Rites and traditions dictate the wedding which lasts for
days, sometimes, extending over a week. In some parts of the country, the prospective couple is also allowed
a decent span of courtship which helps them know each other before tying the knot. Matrimony is considered
so auspicious that hundreds of precautions and ceremonious procedures are followed to keep up with the
grandeur. The expenditure on the part of both the parties tends to drill a hole in the pockets of the host. But,
that is not a matter of concern. After all, the event was contemplated since the birth of the child and the
monies have been gathered ever since.
The importance laid over this centuries old tradition compels the orthodoxy to combat any infraction
of the norms with aggression. Though there has been a stark criticism of certain traditions such as gender
bias, exploitation, lack of flexibility in the events of conflict, etc., the society resists any change in the
practices.
Post marriage, the couple stays together, accepting each others family as ones own, more so on the
part of the bride, owing to the patriarchal nature in most of Indian society.

Origin of Live-in Relationships

The spread of the practice of moving in dates back to the mid 1990s when American couples started
moving in without tying the knot. The logic was quite simple, then. They intended to share the economic
burden by pooling in their income and at the same time, enjoy the company of a person.
There was a huge tide of population flowing into the industrialised metropolitan cities to earn more
and lead a better life. However, the formative days in these cities used to be very expensive and the income,
relatively lower. House rents shot up and availability of homes had become scarce. Thats when this practice
started to gain popularity and within a matter of two decades, it had outgrown the social stigma to become a
trend.
Time passed and the short memory of the public forgot the necessity which gave birth to the
practice. It, rather became a trend- fashionable and chic!
Around 2002 , there was another wave which brought this to India. A tussle with the parampar
and samskra followed. Though there is a lot of tolerance for heterodoxy in India, there is fierce resistance
for sure! Cohabitation was no exception. It took a little longer than a decade for the housing societies, even
in the metro cities to rent a house to an unmarried couple. Even if they did, the cohabitants protested fiercely.
The protracted hostility to such couples often led to emotional, if not physical, harassment. We will discuss
the impacts in greater detail in the forthcoming sections of the article.

With the new chapters unfolding, there is a huge outrage among the elderly whereas the young
activists are struggling in favour of unmarried couples staying together.
Criticisms of marriage as a compulsion
Marriage is an event of merry-making and grandeur. People celebrate it as religiously as possible.
But, its just the tip of the iceberg. As soon as the couple is declared man and wife, several new, formerly
unknown factors come into the picture. There are innumerable expectations from the newly-weds in terms of
behaviour, rituals, adaptations, adjustments and atrocities. It takes some time to fit into the frame by
adjusting ones psyche to a whole new environment. In the process, there are arguments, misunderstandings,
heated exchange of words, involvement of elders and what not! At the end of the day, everything settles
down. But, guess what? These events create a deep-rooted impact on the memory of the couple and their
relatives and gives birth to prejudice. This is more so on the part of the bride, since she is the one who has to
adjust in the planet of in-laws. And she has to spend the remaining life with the same set of rules. This is
where the moral conviction of gender equality becomes questionable. The fate of the girl lies as the sole
possession of her husband and the in-laws. In India, apart from the ill-fated custom of dowry, there is this
patriarchy which pushes down the identity of a woman so deep that it becomes almost impossible to excavate
through the impenetrable crust of orthodoxy and narrow-mindedness.
The above was a picture of an average Hindu girl. But this is not a story of a particular community.
Analogies are in plenty. The modern-day daughters who have seen this horrendous set of atrocities imposed
on their mothers and other women in the family demand an air to breathe. They don't want their life to be
buried in the formidable grave of tortures, which can be triggered by absolutely any stimulus which the inlaws find unsuitable. And this is when the trust in their families for the task of finding a suitable groom
fades. They take up the responsibility on their own teenage shoulders and rebel against marriage. Its not the
nature of families which is to be blamed. The situation alters because of a simple reason- When there are
better, safer options, why to give in to fate?
But then, arises this situation. In India, marriage is considered as something natural. When people
cross a certain age, they are expected to be married already. Unmarried people draw undue attention towards
themselves as he/she stands vulnerable to criticisms based on character and since recently, sexual preference.
However, more and more people have come forward to oppose these norms and rebel against them. The right
to choose ones own partner irrespective of her/his background is given greater emphasis. Activists are drawn
closer to the convenience of Western culture where relationships outside the wedlock arent considered taboo
anymore. They argue that the compulsion to stay with a person they hardly knew, for a lifetime, isnt always
a welcome affair. Especially, the fast moving lifestyle in tech-savvy urban areas disallows a peaceful family
life as expected by in-laws and others concerned. Sometimes, people don't give-in to each others ego as
none in a couple is dependent on the other. At times, career and aspirations have a more important role in the
life of people.

With these changing philosophies towards life, marriage becomes an inconvenient option. Moving in
and out becomes a fussy legal affair and sacrifices concerning the careers become a compulsion. This is the
reason the young masses have started practising cohabitation. There is no family pressure involved in such a
case and the couple can go ahead with their individual aspirations without sacrificing with companionship.

Acceptance of Live-in Relationships in India

Any change, small or big, good or bad, short-lived or perpetual, takes time. A change of thought
takes even longer when it is about changing the thought of a whole community, esp. something as diverse as
India. The question is not about the purity of the form of the relationship, as such. The understanding of this
culture should come from a healthy environment where it can breathe and give a justification for a greater
cause.
We know about many consequences when a live-in fails. There is heartbreak, depression and sour
feelings. This is a natural tendency among us to be cynical about changes. We bet on things which we find
safe. That tendency has built the prejudices around cohabitation.
The problem lies in the fact that little knowledge about the nature of cohabitation prevails among
those who have never thought of being a part of it. And the solution is the dissociation of the stigma attached
with the practice. To address this, we must first understand live-in relation from the perspective of those who
have embraced it.
Our society often links live-in relationships with switching and swinging among multiple partners,
and having no moral character. But that is not necessarily so. If we go around scrutinising multiple sample
couples who have moved in together, there is always an expectation of loyalty. Each partner is given enough
air so that, without any strings attached, one person sticks to the one partner one lives with. Adultery, then, is
not a restriction but an option. In such a case, the ones who are loyal can claim to be better partners than
those with a religious or legal bond. Looking at the intrinsic details, live-in relationship is a marriage
between individuals rather than families. But, there is a twist in the story. The brighter side shows us a very
colourful future. When these cohabitants realise that they have been with a suitable partner for a long time, a
rosy picture awaits.
Going by the statistics, a lot of couples who share a live-in relationship, tie the knot in the long run.
Many enter live-in relationship as an alternative to courtship with an intention to marry if everything goes
well. Even if they dont, they start abiding by the disciplines prevalent in marriage and at times, bear kids
and live a life together. Its a matter of perspective which plays the dice. The society must zoom out and look
at the broader picture where the upcoming generations will be able to choose the most compatible partners
and live a happy life as against being forcibly tied to someone they can hardly tolerate, amounting to regular
domestic quarrels.

Marriage has always been a sacred knot to tie. But providing someone with an opportunity to scale
ones compatibility is no less essential. With changing times, the Indian society should (read, must) accept
cohabitation as a viable substitute to marriage. There is a growing awareness about healthy cohabitation in
educational and legal communities with ample cooperation from the media. Going by current speculations,
we can expect a destigmatisation of cohabitation in the near future.

Inferences on Cohabitation
Cohabitation is not yet a practice which can be lauded with immediate effect. But it is all set to
evolve. The sensitive society takes some time to weigh the pros and cons of every change that gathers some
attention. This is no exception. Live-in relationships have their fair share of advantages over the traditional
practice. However, when young minds are misguided by pure infatuation and they get into such relationships,
they face troubles. The instances of abusive partners and cold relationships also tend to give a way to other
evils. When a way of life challenges established norms, it is not surprising to see it struggling. At times, such
changes falter and the society tends to get back to the initials. By that time, the damage is done. Thus, a
maturity of mind is essential before entering into such unbound relationships. Approval of parents and elders
will take time for obvious reasons. Contextual factors like the level of awareness, status of families, social
activity and the height of tolerance must be given a fair consideration before thinking about live-in
relationships. Unless these factors favour a couple, they should not take unnecessary trouble. Similarly, the
society should also consider factors like compatibility, convenience, emotional pressure and psychological
bias before opposing live-in relationship under all situations.