Presence Brings Peace; Stillness Brings

Clarity; Self-Awareness Brings Freedom

By now, you are aware of how a childhood of trauma can stop inner
peace in its tracks. It seems that every day, maybe even every
moment, there is a new emotion or overwhelming thought to address.
The constant inner struggle can make it hard to address the tasks
that your daily routine requires.
I used to hope for a change in my outer circumstances. I used to
think peace would come as soon as I found the perfect job, bought
the perfect house, lived in the perfect town, met the perfect partner,
had the perfect family. I thought it would be possible to ignore the
inner turmoil after my outer life was as I wanted.
But I was wrong. While it sounds like an easier plan, the path to
inner peace had to happen from the inside out. Of course, you have
heard that before. It is quite the clich. But what does it mean?
How do we make that happen? Inner happiness is a whole lot harder
to find than the perfect material things.
I have learned that while it can be difficult, it is also the only way to
inner peace. We must do the hard work to tackle the awareness
challenge so that we can live with freedom. There truly is no way out
but through.

About eight years ago, after the birth of my two beautiful triggers (I
mean children), I realized that I had to make some changes. I had to
try a new approach or I was going to go crazy. At first, I did not
understand the significance of these changes because most of my
traumatic memories had been repressed. And honestly, this was
probably a good thing.

While I had been doing yoga and

meditation for years already, I had never
incorporated mindfulness in to my daily life.
I thought that clearing my head for fifteen minutes per week was
enough. And while that had helped, it wasnt enough. I was still
ignoring the inner struggles that plagued me during the rest of my
days and nights.
The realization finally came when I read a book by Eckhart Tolle called
The Power of Now. When I finished reading it, I read everything
else he wrote. I bought his CDs. I subscribed to his website. I was
completely obsessed with his simple perspective on mindfulness. Up
until that time, I had not lived with hopefulness. But shortly after I
started reading the first book, I told a friend that Tolles teachings
gave me hope. And that hope was powerful beyond measure. That
hope changed my life.
While reading a book on mindfulness is helpful, I knew I would have
to start making changes in my daily life. And this was the hard part.
After years of work, it is still the hard part. Reading about concepts is
one thing. Changing ingrained habits is another. But I started small,
which is how all changes should start.
I decided that I would practice mindfulness in the car. And to clarify,
mindfulness is not about closing ones eyes and clearing ones mind.
Mindfulness is about practicing awareness in the moment. It is about
stopping the endless chatter and constant stream of thoughts in my
head and just focusing on what is happening in that precise moment.
And I knew the car would be the easiest place to start. The car was
where I spent most of my alone time. I wasnt ready to practice
mindfulness while interacting with others yet. The biggest sacrifice
was turning off the radio because I love my music.

During these drives, I would not try to

silence my thoughts. That is a very
difficult task for a trauma survivor.
I would just focus my thoughts. I would focus on my surroundings.
The car in front of me is red. There are trees to my right. There is a
stoplight up ahead. I tried to keep my thoughts about facts. I tried
not to judge. And as you know, in the car, that can be challenging.
Eventually, my thoughts changed to how I was feeling. My heart is
beating fast today. My leg has a strange pain. There is an itch on
my back. This is a big step for someone who has used dissociation as
a defense mechanism. It was very scary to be in my body. But I did
my best to stay with it.
Over time, I was able to bring my mindfulness practice to other areas
of my life, eventually culminating with interpersonal interactions. Oh
look, I am reacting strongly to this situation. Is it possible that I am
triggered? What from my past am I being reminded of? Who from
my past is this person acting like? Or more importantly, who do I
think they are acting like?
While it was fine to become aware of what triggered me, there was a
need to take it further. The next questions I asked were about how I
could change myself. What could I do to react differently the next
time? How can I calm myself when I see the trigger coming? How
can I reassure myself that I am safe when an individual exhibits that
behavior? Are my feelings about my old life or do they relate to now?
It is that last set of questions that changed my life. Awareness is
important. And some changes will happen with awareness alone. But
action is necessary in the triggering moments. And in these
moments, I made a new life for myself.

Overcoming the Awareness Challenge

Awareness is the only way to bring peace and freedom to our lives.
But taking on awareness practices too quickly will inevitably become
overwhelming, which can lead to abandonment of these practices for
self-preservation purposes. Therefore, awareness should be tackled
in steps, especially for those of us who have already mastered the
dissociative defense mechanism.
This is a big change. It may be the biggest change you have ever
attempted. And this kind of change will take a lifetime of steps and
still not be fully complete.
Why? It is human nature to be unaware. So why do it? The results
of small awareness changes are dramatic.
Even mastering the first step will bring some peace into your life.

Bringing Awareness to Peaceful

Experiences
Introduction
Awareness in our daily lives is a form of meditation, but it is not the
most commonly publicized form of meditation. It is not about sitting
and clearing our head of all thoughts. This is a very good practice,
but it can be very challenging for trauma survivors. I was doing brief
meditations prior to my awareness work, but the benefit of meditation
began to grow exponentially when I started practicing awareness
techniques on a daily basis. The great thing about awareness is we
dont have to stop thinking. We have to think about what we are
doing. And when we inevitably start thinking about something else,
we refocus on what we are doing. We use our minds as a tool to help
us in the moment, as opposed to running our lives (like they tend to
do).

How to get started

To get started, pick a time when you are the closest to a peaceful
existence. For me, it was driving with no passengers in the car. For
you, it may be an exercise class or a walk in the woods or cooking a
meal. Make a pledge to stay aware and present when you are doing
this one task. This means paying attention to your thoughts while
doing this task. If you are chopping vegetables, try to stay focused
on the task of chopping vegetables. This means only thinking about
the knife, the cutting board and the vegetables. Of course, this
includes the sounds, the smells, the temperature, the feeling of the
knife in your hand and any body aches you may be experiencing while

When other thoughts enter your mind, put them aside for later. If it
helps, you can make a list of things to think about later (unless you
are driving a car). Dont judge yourself for leaving the present
moment. And dont judge yourself for judging (believe me, I have
done that). Just bring yourself back to the moment and go back to
your present experiences.

Stepping it up
Once you are feeling comfortable with the first step, try to take on
something new. Add an experience which might be harder for you to
stay present. Dont involve interactions with people for this step, but
try to explore something that might have some triggers. Maybe there
is an experience where you have to concentrate harder, like your work
environment.
You could also add in a daily journal at this point. You could explore
the experiences of the day during which you felt the least present,
maybe even times of the day during which you dont remember what
you did. What were the triggers that discouraged your presence?
What were the emotions you were experiencing or avoiding
experiencing? What else was happening in your body? Did you
experience any muscle tension or pain? Were there any flashbacks?
What thoughts crept in to your mind to explain your reaction? Our
brain will always try to explain our bodily reactions through thought.
Understanding how the brain does this is an important part of your
awareness practice.

What will stand in your way?

When I was a child, there were horrible things happening to me. My brain was
underdeveloped because I was a child. Eventually, it was also underdeveloped
because I was being traumatized. I was unable to process my circumstances. I
was unable to feel the intense levels of hopelessness in the moment. There was
no escape that I had been able to find, so the emotions were overwhelming. I
finally came to a decision that I will have to die or I will have to forget. My only
options were suicide or dissociation.
The idea behind dissociation is that we put away our pain for another day, a day
when we are stronger, have a more developed brain and solid coping
mechanisms. While it doesnt always feel like we are ready to address the pain
when it does come, more than likely, on some level, we are ready.
But my inner child was not so sure. She had lived for a long time under the
impression that the emotions from her childhood would kill her. And she wasnt
going to release that information easily.
So the defense mechanisms dont release easily. It takes time. It takes
patience. And it certainly takes awareness. The most important part of
awareness is understanding what the defense mechanisms are. Once you see
how they are interfering, you can choose to set them aside for brief moments at
a time. Eventually, you can choose to set them aside for longer periods of time.
So, when the painful emotions come, you will be faced with your inner obstacles.
You may want to numb them with substances. These are more obvious defense
mechanisms. But your brain will also be a huge obstacle.
Let me give you an example.
When I am about to encounter a new revelation from my traumatic past, I always
know it is coming now. I know it is coming because my brain takes the same
journey. I will wake up in the morning worrying about my day, the next day, the
following week and my retirement in 30 years. I will spend the day moving
manically from one task to another. Sometimes, I have an extremely productive
day. Sometimes, I start a bunch of things I dont finish. But I am busy. My
brain is always churning through thoughts that keep my awareness focused
anywhere but in the moment and on my body.
This is why awareness can change our world. When we stop to recognize the
current moment, we can be blessed with information that was hovering below our
normal thoughts. That information is critical to our future growth. But we have
to know how we are stopping it. Awareness can do that.

Bringing Awareness to Interpersonal

Interactions
Introduction
Interpersonal interactions are the number one trigger for growth in
our lives. Why? Because trauma doesnt happen without other
people, people who abuse their power over us. And those
relationships wire our brains to expect, even manifest, similar
interactions in our adult lives.
There are a few key understandings when we begin working with
awareness in interpersonal interactions.
1) People are our mirrors. You may not want to know this, but it

will change your life. That which we recognize in others exists

in us. Otherwise, we would not know it. This is also known as
projection and the awareness of it can be used to recognize
our growth areas as well as the traits we were meant to
embrace.
2) We are likely to create our prominent childhood relationships

through our current adult relationships, unless we have

consciously processed the childhood experiences. You have
heard the expression that women marry their fathers and men
marry their mothers. It is actually based on reality. And
children of abusers want to nip that in the bud.
3) Often our most emotionally triggering interactions are based on

a child-like perception of a much earlier experience.

Discernment is challenging for children. Many times, children
will judge a relationship based on an all or nothing mentality.
A child will believe that someone is all good or all bad. A child

may believe that a situation is entirely the childs fault or they

may blame everyone else for all bad things. When we have
been through trauma, some of these beliefs may be buried
deep inside, running our experiences.

How to get started

To get started, pick someone who can journey with you, who can help
you in your awareness and might want to work on their own
awareness in relationship with you. Dont pick your child to start.
And dont pick someone who has no desire to be vulnerable. At first,
it may not be possible to be aware in the moment of interaction with
others. The awareness may come through retrospective journaling.
Spend a few minutes each day examining how your interactions with
that person may be triggering your old emotional reactions based on
your traumatic experiences. Take time to look at the key
understandings of interpersonal interactions:
1) What are the traits of this person that trigger you? Write them

down. Then ask yourself how you may be exhibiting or hiding

those exact traits. This is hard work. It takes courage and an
open mind.
Example: If you find people to be untrustworthy on a regular
basis, in what ways are you being untrustworthy? This doesnt
have to be huge, like having an affair. This can be something
small like telling people you will do something small when you
have no intention of doing it. If you commonly dissociate, you
may have parts that dont trust other parts, making it hard to
integrate your traumatic experiences. Do you believe yourself?
2) How do the interactions resemble your childhood relationships?

Where might you be recreating those interactions? Keep in

mind that relationships are never simple. One person may be
recreating aspects of several childhood relationships.
Example: If you were commonly faced with emotional abuse
when you were a child, you may want to examine how your
relationships are continuing that abuse. Are you in
relationships with people that make you feel bad about
yourself? If you spent most of your childhood hearing these
messages, it can be hard to see, but its worth it.

3) What beliefs from your childhood may be impacting your

perception of the relationship? Ask yourself, is that really true?

Example: Do you have a belief that people will always let you
down? Are you overreacting when someone fails to meet your
expectations? Look at those interactions where your beliefs
seem to lack centering. Do you cut off a friend when they
make one mistake or put up with a friend who is constantly
letting you down?

Stepping it Up
As you move through the process of awareness, you will eventually
bring awareness to the interactions themselves. Instead of
examining your reactions in retrospect through journaling, you will
start to catch your triggers in the moment. This is a natural
progression with awareness which can happen organically, but you
can also choose to ignore it. It will be your job to make another
choice. First, you will notice it but wont change your behavior. That
is fine. That is normal. Next, you will notice it and stop in your
tracks. Finally, you will notice it and do something new. All three
matter. Dont ever minimize one of these steps.
Once you have done this introspective work with someone who is
helpful and less triggering, it is time to pick that one adult. You know
the one. The adult that makes you want to stay in bed when you are
fighting. The adult that has made you consider leaving your favorite
job just to get away from them. This, my friends, is where the
diamonds are. When you are willing to examine that relationship and
stop making it entirely the others fault, you are ready for some true
transformation. You are not messing around.
And this relationship is going to be hard work. If this person is willing
to be vulnerable and work with you, the work might be harder, but
much more rewarding. You are also likely to create a lifelong
connection that will never be broken. Or on the flip side, you might
discover that some relationships are not meant to be. Either way,
your life will improve.

After spending time with this tough adult relationship, start working
with your children. While they cannot help you through the triggers
of parenting with deep cognitive conversations, they can help you
with reminders and keywords which I will discuss in the next section.
Believe me. Just like with adults, if you explain to your children that
you want to make changes in your reactions to them, they will be
helpful. And it is destined to improve your relationship when the
masks come off and they can see you as a regular person just like
them.
Parenting will be the toughest work because it is so pervasive in your
life. Where many adult relationships may offer the occasional trigger,
your relationship with your children mirrors your inner child. You are
literally staring your inner child in the face every time you address
your children. The triggers are endless. The good news is that
children are flexible, loving and willing to be vulnerable. They are
most likely to change and help you change. In other words, we can
learn so much from them.

What will stand in your way?

When I was a child, relationships were dysfunctional at best. I was abused
emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually. I was abandoned. I was
manipulated. I was treated by others as though my life was not very important.
I developed a child-like mentality that relationships were one of two extremes.
Either I was looking for a savior who I put on a pedestal, so anything that went
wrong in relationship was clearly my fault. Or I was settling for someone who
wasnt worth their weight in salt and I let them know it. In other words, I was
the abused or the abuser.
In these relationships, I was attempting to resolve the tragedies of my childhood
by repeating the same patterns and expecting them to turn out differently. Some
refer to this as the definition of insanity and maybe it is. But that means we
are all insane and maybe we are.
Our inner child is not going to change relationship patterns easily because the
masks are comfortable. More importantly, they are safe. We developed them in
an attempt to keep our abusers at bay, to stay alive. Maybe we dont set
boundaries and do whatever the other wants. Maybe we eliminate vulnerability
in relationships and keep our distance. Maybe we have mastered all aspects of
codependence.
So we have masks. And we arent dropping them without a fight (or a whole lot
of awareness and some anxiety too). Here are some common masks:
1) It is all the others fault. They are abusive.

In childhood, this was true. In adulthood, we have more power to set

boundaries.
2) It is all the others fault. I cant trust them.

In childhood, this was also true. In adulthood, we may be untrustworthy too.

3) It is all the others fault. They abandoned me.

In childhood, this was also true. In adulthood, we may have been dishonest
about our expectations or we may have changed significantly (and this can be
a good thing).
You get the idea. It is good to be aware of the masks we are wearing as we work
through relationships, so we dont find ourselves stuck in our childhood patterns.

Changing Your Inner Responses to

Triggers
Introduction
Working with triggers will bring an awareness that can only lead to
freedom, but it takes time and patience and a willingness to examine
aspects of your life that you may have been avoiding. You may have
heard the phrase, There is no way out but through. Unfortunately,
this appears to be accurate. This work must be done to find the
peace we deserve. But take it slow. Give yourself the time and space
to process. It is advisable to have a working relationship with a
trauma therapist when you do this work also.

How to get started

If there is a trigger that makes you want to curl up in a ball in the
corner (and there is always that trigger), dont start there. Start with
a trigger that gives you a feeling that something isnt quite right.
Maybe you react too strongly to something at work.
Maybe you distance yourself from someone when they behave a
certain way.
Maybe you avoid something you need to do and you cant figure out
why.

1) Write a list of those times when something doesnt seem quite

right. They can be specific situations with certain people. Or
they can be a more general reaction to a type of experience.
2) Write down how those triggers impact you. What happens in
your body? Do you stop breathing? Do you feel muscle tension
or joint pain? Do you see flashes of old memories? Do you feel
waves of emotion? What happens to your thoughts? What are
the beliefs that come up when this trigger is activated?
3) Write down where it might come from. Was there a situation in
the past that is similar to this situation? Was it dangerous or
unsafe? If not, did it seem dangerous or unsafe? How was it
similar? More importantly, how was it different?
4) Examine your new level of empowerment as an adult. How can
you respond differently this time? In what ways are you no
longer the victim? In what ways are you now safe?
These tasks will create a level of awareness that you did not
previously have. The first time you write about these, you will not
have all the answers. You may not even understand how the trigger
is connected to your childhood. There may be something you dont
remember. If that happens, just write the question. How is this
similar? I want to know. The information will come to you over
time. Of course, this is where patience is important.
Once you have practiced awareness for a while, meditation can
become more manageable. And meditation can be critical to
understanding your response to triggers When you are feeling a
visceral bodily reaction to something, meditating on that feeling can
be truly enlightening. If you dont want to do that alone, work with
your therapist on a guided meditation.

Stepping it Up
The next step is the hardest step of all steps. As the trigger happens,
how can we respond differently? How can we be aware in the
moment of impending doom (as our inner child interprets it)? When
our heart starts racing and the flashbacks kick in, how can we bring
our body back down from the crisis?
There are many methods that work and you will need to find the one
that is right for you. The key is to presence yourself. This doesnt
mean you avoiding a bodily response. This just means you are aware
of it and you know you are not in imminent danger. Here are some
methods that have worked for me:
1) Breathing. If you are focusing on your breathing, you are

present.
2) Physical reminders. Touch a table in the room and say, This is

a table. Any physical item will work.

3) Key words or phrases. Use a phrase that will remind you to

come back to the room. You can also give it to people you
trust. Children can be helpful here.
Once you are able to presence yourself, work to build a different
reaction to that trigger. Maybe you yell when the kids argue. Maybe
you can breathe first and respond second. Of course, this is much
harder said than done. I know. I work at this every day.
After working with some less significant triggers, move on to some
harder triggers. In reality, you may find that some of the harder
triggers organically soften over time as you build awareness. But
they may not vanish completely without some awareness directed
specifically at them.

What will stand in your way?

When I was a child, my brain learned that I was in imminent danger all the time.
This was not a cognitive process. Imminent danger is processed in other parts of
the brain. It is processed in the hippocampus and amygdala, the limbic system.
Once those parts of the brain have overridden the cognitive parts, it can be
extremely challenging to bring our systems back in line even as adults.
So my brain was wired for danger. The default was fight, flight or freeze. My
body was flooded with cortisol on a regular basis. And only extreme levels of
awareness are going to change that. And the change will happen slowly.
The primal need to stay safe is at the core of everything humans do. From
having a job to buying a house to hovering over our children, we are attempting
to stay safe. And when we have been addressing physical safety our entire lives,
it can be hard to leave this behind, to convince ourselves that this basic need has
been met.
As you work to respond differently to your triggers, you may notice that your
anxiety increases at first. This is normal. You are trying something different.
Change brings anxiety. Plus not all of your parts are happy about the changes
yet. Think about doing some body work to bring your system back down. I
recommend Reiki, Acupuncture and Cranio-Sacral Therapy, but almost any type
of body work will help you.
And go easy on yourself and your inner child. This process will take time. But
over the long haul, you will notice a calmer disposition. You will get less anxious
during the daily tasks of life. And eventually, you will notice that you handle
those difficult moments with a bit more grace than before.

Conclusion
Many programs discuss awareness using the perspective of flow,
integration and spiritual understanding. This is all true. But I have
learned that recovery from complex trauma requires a more willful
approach. This is why I use words like stepping up, facing the
challenge and overcoming obstacles. I have learned that if I dont
face the reality of my trauma with an action-based philosophy, I can
quickly move in to spiritual bypass mode.
What do I mean by that? Spiritual bypass is an approach to self
awareness that tries to make the process less messy. In bypass
mode, we find ways to ignore our bad feelings by removing ourselves
from triggering situations and meditating our system back to some
level of calm. While meditation and other spiritual practices do help,
they cannot be used to avoid the deep, messy work of trauma
recovery.
We have to use our minds, bodies and emotions to drive the changes
we want to see in our lives. That being said, it is best to have a
partner, a therapist and/or a coach to help you see what you
inevitably wont want to see. There will be times when you want to
put the blinders on, and since you are already very good at defending
against that deep emotional processing, you will find plenty of
excuses. Others can keep you honest with yourself.
If you are ready to step up to the awareness challenge, if you are
ready to bring your life to a new level of freedom through hard work
and changes over time, you are willing to do what it takes. And I am
ready and willing to help you in that process. I have individual email
coaching available here to help you step up and find your freedom.

With deep gratitude,

Elisabeth

Beyond Trauma: Elisabeth Corey is a

survivor of family-controlled child sex
trafficking and abuse. As an advocate for
trauma recovery, she helps other survivors
take back the life that has always belonged
to them.
She works with survivors navigating life and
parenting, and with media and organizations
through her private sessions, workshops,
writing, speaking and training seminars.

Join me at BeatingTrauma.com
Lets heal together.