What is the acceptable minimum age for your own (and others) dating partners?

When this question comes up in conversation, someone inevitably cites the half
your age plus seven rule(link is external). This rules states that by dividing your
own age by two and then adding seven you can find the socially-acceptable
minimum age of anyone you want to date. So if youre a 24 year-old, you can feel
free to be with anyone who is at least 19 (i.e., 12 + 7) but not someone who is
18.1 The (lesser-applied) other side of the rule defines amaximum age boundary:
Take your age, subtract 7, and double it. So for a 24-year old, the upper age limit
would be 34 (i.e., 17 * 2). With some quick math, the rule provides a minimum and
maximum partner age based on your actual age that, if you choose to follow it, you
can use to guide your dating decisions.
A Chart of the Rule's Max and Min Partner Age Discrepancies Based on a Person's
Actual Age

The utility of this equation is that it lets you chart acceptable age discrepancies that
adjust over the years. According to the rule, for example, a 30-year-old should be
with a partner who is at least 22, while a 50-year-olds dating partner must be at least
32 to not attract (presumed) social sanction.
But how legitimate is this rule? Does it match our scientific understanding of agerelated preferences for dating? Does it always apply? Should it ever?
Let's examine it:

How well does the rule reflect scientific evidence for age preferences?
Researchers Buunk and colleagues (2000) asked men and women to identify the
ages they would consider when evaluating someone for relationships of different
levels of involvement. People reported distinct age preferences for marriage; a
serious relationship; falling in love; casual sex; and sexual fantasies. Did they follow
the rule?
Based on the figures Buunk and colleagues (2000) provided (and thus the numbers
are only informed approximations), I replotted their data superimposing the max and
min age ranges defined by the half-your-age-plus-7 rule. Now we can see how well
the rule corresponds with peoples reported acceptable ages.
Mens preferred minimum partner age: Lets start with minimum age preferences
reported by heterosexual men. In Figure 1, the solid black line represents the rules
calculation for minimum acceptable range. You can see that men are basically
operating by the rule for minimum age preferences for marital relationships (blue
bars) and serious dating relationships (yellow bars). Those age preferences
consistently hover around the values denoted by the rule (the black line). If anything,
in practice men are more conservative when it comes to preferred marriage,
preferring a minimum age higher than the rule would say is OK.
Figure 1: Male Participants' Minimum Preferred Partner Age as Compared to the
Rule

When it comes to sexual fantasies, however, men have minimum age preferences
that are younger than the rule would designate appropriate. For example, this
sample of 60-year-old men report that it is acceptable to fantasize about women in
their 20s, which the rule would say is unacceptable. But fantasies, of course, are not
generally subject to public scrutiny and the rule is only designed to calculate what is
socially acceptable in the public eyeso this discrepancy is not necessarily a failure
of the rule.
For rule-related involvement (e.g., relationships), 60-year-old men are stating that
the minimum acceptable age is around 40ish, which does map much more closely to
the rules predictions.
Mens preferred maximum partner age: The rule states that you can calculate
maximum acceptable partner ages by subtracting seven from your own age and
multiplying it by 2. Figure 2 clearly shows that the rules max-age guidelines for men
donot reflect real-world preferences. The rule overestimates the perceived
acceptability of men becoming involved with older women. Men do not show a linear
increase in maximum age preference that matches the rules predictions. Instead,
men report maximum acceptable partner ages that hover around their own age
through their 40s. After 40, maximum age preferences for most categories remain
lower than their own age. Thus the rule for maximum ages is fairly ineffective at
capturing what men actually believe is acceptable.

Figure 2: Male Participants' Maximum Preferred Partner Age as Compared to the

Rule

Case Study: George Clooney. Now let's apply the rule to actual dating behavior by
examining George Clooneys dating habits. Clooney has been scrutinized at times
for dating younger women, though not consistently, and this pattern is nicely
reflected in a graph of his own age, his partners ages, and the rules calculations for
minimum and maximum acceptable ages. Only twice has he become involved with
women whose ages were outside the rules guideline. He approached the line with
two other partners, but is well within the threshold in his marriage with Amal
Alamuddin.

Does the rule work for women?

The minimum rule (half-your-age-plus-seven) seems to work for men, although the
maximum rule falls short, failing to reflect empirical age-related preferences. How
well does the rule capture womens preferences?
Womens preferred minimum partner age: Below are the data from Buunk et al.s
(2000) study on womens minimum age preferences; the rules age calculations are
represented by the solid line. In general, the figure shows that women are reporting
minimum age preferences that exceed the rules predictions. In other words, while
the rule states that 40-year-old women can feel comfortable dating 27-year-old men,
this does not reflect the social preferences and standards of women. Women in their
40s think that approximately 35 or older is acceptable for marriage or a relationship.
Even when fantasizing, such womens minimum age preference remains over 30.
The rules calculated minimum acceptable partner ages seem to fit men better than
women.
Figure 3: Female Participants' Minimum Preferred Partner Age as Compared to the
Rule

Womens preferred maximum partner age: Examining maximum preferences,

again the rule is more lenient, offering an age range with which most people are not
comfortable. The rule states that it is acceptable for 30-year old women to date men
who are up to 46 years old, but in actuality, 30-year-old women state that their max
acceptable partner age would be less than 40 (around 37). The rule underestimates
womens reported preferences in their 20s, but the gap between reports of what is
socially acceptable and the rule itself widen over time.
Figure 4: Female Participants' Maximum Preferred Partner Age as Compared to the
Rule

Case Study: Demi Moore. Lets take a look at Demi Moore, who at times has been
criticized for dating men who differ substantially from her own age. As you can see
from the graph, one partner exceeded the rules calculated acceptable maximum
age, while Ashton Kutchers age fell short of the socially-acceptable minimum age
when they first started dating in 2003. By the time of their separation in 2011,
however, Kutcher, then 33 had crossed the minimum threshold (31.5) defined by the
rule.

How effective is the rule?

Curious outsiders are quick to judge when they can see a wide age gap between two
romantic partners. Maybe this is why the rule is so appealing. In a world in which

many social norms are often unspoken, the half-your-age-plus-7 rule concretely
defines a boundary.
But the rule does not map perfectly onto actual reports of what is socially acceptable.
At times it is too stringent, but most often it appears too lenient, condoning age
pairings with which most people are not comfortable. So if you are following the halfyour-age-plus-7 rule, know that it may not be perfect or truly mirror age-related
preference. You might also take care to refer to the maximum age judiciouslythe
minimum age guideline seems to be more on target (and more so for men than
women).

Source: Carlos Horta/Shutterstock

End Notes
1. When youre 26, however, this person would be 20 and would be right at the line
of your age-minimum threshold (13 + 7). In a few more years, youll be 28 and this
person will be 22, above your new threshold of 21 (14+7).
References
Buunk, B. P., Dijkstra, P., Kenrick, D. T., & Warntjes, A. (2001). Age preferences for
mates as related to gender, own age, and involvement level. Evolution and Human
Behavior, 22, 241-250.

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7 Things To Remember When Continuing A Relationship After Infidelity

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Mathew Tammaro
Michele Chevrier in DatingApr 28, 2015 10:41am

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One request we make to our partners in marriage and serious

relationships is pure monogamy.
Monogamy is a widely-expected practice in our culture; however, roughly
a quarter of married couples will unfortunately experience infidelity
according to Dr. Richard Fitzgibbon (see more at MaritalHealing.com).
What can a couple, which built their lives around one another, do after a
case of infidelity? For the couples that choose to work through it, here are
some things to expect:
1. Honesty

Honestly is the key. Once a partner finds out about infidelity, he or she will
have many heavy questions that are not easily answered.
It is important to understand that the partner will want to know who, what,
why, where and how. It is best to answer the questions honestly.
The only exception of full disclosure is intimate descriptions of the actual
sexual encounter. Infidelity can turn a couple upside down and its
usually traumatic.
Details of the actual sexual encounter can increase symptoms related to
post traumatic stress disorder and increase emotional pain, not to
mention painfully vivid pictures stuck in the brain.

2. Feelings To Be Expected

It is important to understand a spouses traumatized emotions. Partners

can react to news of cheating in ways related to acute stress disorder or
posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Infidelity can raise deep fears and damage to self-esteem. It can cause
intense anger, reoccurring dreams, unwanted and intruding thoughts or
flashbacks and feelings of despair.
Also much like PTSD, feelings of being stuck in the drama
can continuously make one partner feel like he or she is on hyper-alert.
It is likely that the partner will repeatedly ask similar questions over a
period of weeks are months.

3. Offering Transparency

Because symptoms like PTSD can result from infidelity, it will be necessary
for the cheater to provide full transparency.
The partner will want to look at all social media platforms, including
Facebook messages, texts, emails, Twitter and phone calls.
It would be best if the cheating partner offers complete transparency and
allows the partner to look at anything he or she wants and at any time.

If a partner is sending messages to a third party and actively hide the

interactions, he or she may be in an emotional affair, which can be
damaging to the relationship, too.
Of course, personal messages to family members should be respected as
private.

4. Dont Get Defensive

Defensive statements like, Well, you didnt give me the time of day, so
what was I supposed to do? actually pass blame to the partner for the
cheaters cheating.
It is an unhealthy spiral that will only lead to other issues. Focus on one
issue at a time. Speak from the I, like, I felt so lonely. This statement
doesnt spread blame for actions.

5. Seek Support

Marriage is hard, even without infidelity. There are no manuals, especially

these days. Look for support in your community.
Reach out to your religious affiliations or seek counseling (shop for a
good therapist who supports your decision to stay together).
Talk to other couples that have experienced similar events. Stay away
from people who do not support your decisions.

6. Make sure there is no third party in your relationship

It is easy to let others in, like friends, parents or children. They become
the third leg to help stabilize the relationship, either subconsciously or
not.
Venting your anger to your mom or a friend is healthy, as long as it
doesnt interfere with the direct communication you make to your partner.

And an even bigger no-no is complaining to the children about a parent.

This can damage their relationship with him or her and can create
unhealthy dynamics between the couple.

7. Love

Remember that love brought the two of you together. There is good and
bad in all of us, and sometimes we make mistakes.
Try to see that a person is not all bad because he or she made a big
mistake. Remember to love yourself and forgive yourself for your
mistakes.
All we really want at our cores is to feel safe and be loved. We all want
that bond, it is just human nature. Try to discover what you need.
Choosing to stay together after cheating is a huge decision. Infidelity can
be symptomatic of much larger, underlying problems.
It would be wise to seek out counseling from an experienced and
supportive therapist or from your religious affiliation.
There is hope; its up to the couple and only the couple to make that
choice.
Recovering from a long-term relationship can be so challenging and
painful, part of me feels like a masochist for even writing about it.
However, helping others navigate this ordeal is one of the only truly
worthwhile reasons for dredging up one of the hardest times in my life.
Whether you knew it was time, had no idea it was coming, ended it
yourself or ended it mutually, there are certain aspects of your life you
dont even realize shaped themselves around your relationship.
That is, until you find yourself no longer in said relationship.
Chances are, this person was not only someone you loved romantically,
but also someone you called your best friend.
He or she was the person you went to for pretty much anything and
everything, and now, all of that has to change.

Whether you were ready for it or not, you have been thrust into a new
phase of your life, and when you look back in five years, it will be nice to
know you handled yourself with dignity and respect.
Let Yourself Mourn The Loss (Within Reason).

I told myself I wouldnt get personal here, but Im just an oversharing kind
of gal, so here it goes.
After very seriously dating the same guy for all of college, I moved to
Washington, DC by myself to attend law school.
Naively, I thought my already-struggling relationship could survive long
distance.
Fast forward to not even a month in, and we were done. I spent way too
much time being depressed over the breakup that year and not enough
time looking forward.
However, I think it was important not to repress how I was feeling because
when I moved on, I was able to move forward without all those feelings
bubbling up.
Bottom line: Feel all the feelings, but know when its going on for too long.
How long is too long?
Its personal, but when your friends start seeming annoyed rather than
sympathetic, you might want to take the hint and try to at least force
yourself not to make your breakup the main focal point of conversation.

Revel In The Little Things You Are Doing On Your Own.

Packing up my car on my own for winter break after my first round of law
school finals and heading home was a huge milestone for me in my
breakup.
I know it sounds silly, but as a female, I got used to having someone do all
the heavy lifting (literally).
Although it was a pain and I ended up with some bruised shins, I managed
to lift those heavy suitcases into my car, load up my dog and have an
awesome mini road trip by myself.

Rather than seeing this as an opportunity to miss my ex, it was an

adventure I accomplished and experienced by myself on my own terms.
Congratulate yourself in the moments that allow you to feel your
independence.
In the moment, doing these often mundane things might not feel as
empowering and awesome as you would like them to feel.
However, going to the grocery store alone or cooking your favorite dinner
by yourself are total wins.
Try to take some time to reflect on your tiny wins and use them to boost
yourself up when you start to feel bummed about the breakup.

Do the Things You Love Even If You Once Loved Them As a Couple.

I can affirmatively say I truly moved on when I took a trip to Europe by

myself to visit some friends living abroad.
Traveling alone is an extraordinarily gratifying experience, even if you
arent relearning how to be independent.
I had traveled a lot with my ex, so it was important to me to reclaim this
as something I could do without him.
I quickly realized I had never learned how to read the maps or learn the
public transportation systems, and had always relied on him to handle
those aspects of traveling.
Touring Athens by myself at sunset, with nothing but a guidebook and
camera to lead the way, taught me I didnt need to depend on another
person in the way I previously had grown accustomed to doing.
Whether you and your ex used to hike together, go to music festivals or
travel the world, show yourself you can still enjoy and thrive in those
activities without them.

Figure Out Whether You Can Still Be Friends.

Some exes can still be friends; some exes need to hold on to what they
call friendship for a period of time after the breakup, and some exes have
way too much baggage to be in each others lives.
It all depends on why you broke up and how you feel about the other
person.
If you are still in love with your ex and feeling extremely hurt, it might feel
like any contact you can have is a life vest.
I wouldnt recommend holding on to this false sense of security. Only be
friends if you are okay with having only a friendship with your ex.
If either party is staying friends with the hope that it will eventually lead
back into a relationship, there will only be more hurt feelings further down
the line.

Stop Following Your Ex On Social Media.

Do yourself a favor and stop following your ex on social media. This

doesnt necessarily mean un-friending, but remove him or her from your
news feeds wherever possible.
You are both doing your best to move on, and that means you are both
going to continue to live your lives, trying to enjoy yourselves as much as
possible.
You dont need to see your ex trying to move on from you, and doing so is
only going to hurt you.
Even if you are completely over your ex, seeing someone you once did
everything with doing things without you is going to be painful.
Obsessing over a girl in his picture? Shes probably just a friend, but now
you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out who she is for the next
three hours.
Do yourself a favor and wait until some time has passed before engaging
with him or her on social media.
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Natalie Veltman
CONTRIBUTOR

Natalie Veltman studied journalism at the University of Colorado and

received her law degree from G

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