ASC-33 BoysOwnMcbeth

Boys Own McBeth
by Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett
1979/2003 Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett
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Grahame Bond & Jim Burnett February 1979.Revised June 2003
Boys Own McBeth

A Really Rotten Tragedy
By Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett

Book and Lyrics: Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett
Music: Grahame Bond.
Boys Own McBeth

Act One
SCENE ONE
(REVEAL: Small tatty curtain hangs mid stage, it is about a third of the width of the
proscenium and hangs well short of the proscenium arch .It hovers mid stage like a postage
stamp short on all sides.)
Chorus of voices offstage:
WE ARE THE BOYS (voices on echo)
Music is heard: Witches theme, in fugue.
SONG: FAIR IS FOUL

The tatty curtain is raised to reveal a school assembly hall, a dais cum headmasters office,
a large column bearing the PA system, school desks and a blackboard. Terry Shakespeare
stands in heroic pose, with S.S. and Dopey beside him. They all wear school uniforms.
Terry is in ill-fitting shorts and blazer he steps forward and sings.
Terry
WE ARE THE WICKED WITCHES
S.S & Dopey:
THE REALLY WICKED WITCHES
Terry:
I LEAD THE GANG THATS NUMBER ONE.
Terry,S.S & Dopey:
WERE KNOWN AS SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS.
Terry (spoken):
When shall we three meet again,

In thunder, lightning or in rain?
S.S.:
WHEN THE HURLY-BURLYS DONE.
Dopey:
Right!
S.S.:
WHEN THE BATTLES LOST AND WON.
Terry:
That will be ere the set of sun.
[Terry produces a small spherical bomb with a wick.]

Terry
Where the place to set the bomb?
S.S.:
BENEATH THE DAIS.

2
Dopey:
Right! Boom!
Terry:
There to wait for the headmaster,

Clifford Tobias.
(Terry moves to the dais and plants the bomb under the Headmasters chair. The PA system
lights up and crackles to life)
Miss Graymalkin (on PA):
Would all the students go directly to the assembly hall for

prayers, and would Terry Shakespeare report to my office
immediately.
Terry:
Im coming, Graymalkin, you old frog, Im coming.
Dopey:
Right!
(During the rest of the song, Terry produces a water pistol and squirts the audience with it.
S.S. and Dopey have catapults and pea-shooters.)
Terry & Chorus:
FAIR IS FOUL AND FOUL IS FAIR,

STINK BOMBS FOG AND FOUL THE AIR
ITS THE END OF THE YEAR AND OUT EXAMS ARE
DONE.
WERE ALL GOING TO FAIL, WERE GONNA HAVE
SOME FUN.
WELL BRING THIS SCHOOL DOWN TO ITS KNEES.
WELL PUT INK IN THEIR SOUP AND PUT FROGS IN
THEIR FRUIT.
WELL PUT WORMS IN THEIR MEAT AND PUT
TACKS ON THEIR SEATS.
Terry:
MY NAME IS TERRY SHAKESPEARE.
Chorus:
HE IS THE BOY THEY ALL FEAR
Terry:
I LEAD THE GANG THATS NUMBER ONE
All:
WERE KNOWN AS SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS.

WELL MAKE IT ALL COME TRUE.
(They dance off. Terry reappears immediately)

Terry (to audience): Good morning school, Im Terry Shakespeare, year eleven. School
assembly is just about to start, now a very close personal friend of
mine, the Headmaster, Mr Clifford Tobias, will come out here and
hes going to ask all you kids to stand up and greet him with Good
morning Mr Tobias.(To audience member) Dont you laugh mate,
because if you stand up, Im going to find you at recess and
personally ram your head down the dunny.
(Terry exits, squirts audience with water pistol)

BLACKOUT
SCENE TWO
A school bell rings frantically. A kettledrum roll is heard off, then a shrill blast on a
whistle. Through the auditorium the school band and the school choir enter, led by the
Headmaster wielding a mace and blowing directions for formation marching. He is
followed by Mr Elston (Head of Drama), Charles Hunt (School Captain on kettle
drum),Morrie McBeth (cymbals),S.S. (Bass Drum) and Dopey lags behind randomly
blowing a car horn and trying to ride his skate board. The shambles that is the School
march on stage and mark time badly.
Hunt:
Halt! Right turn! File off!
(McBeth, S.S. and Dopey sit down at their desks, leaving one empty for Terry)
Headmaster:
School Captain!
Hunt:
Sir! The school will stand!
(McBeth and S.S. stand. Dopey is coolly dancing to the music on his MP3 player , he is not
of this world)
Headmaster (to audience):
When the school captain says the school will stand, I mean
the whole school. Now will you please stand up?
(Mr Elston stands up. Dopey collapses in a heap, exhausted from the effort of moving)
Elston (guiltily):
Im sorry, Sir!
Headmaster:
No, not you Mr Elston, youre staff. Sit down, thank you.
Alright Charles, take down the names of all those boys who
are still sitting.
Elston:
And could I have that ones phone number please Hunt?
(Hunt produces pencil and paper)

Headmaster (angrily):
Elston!
Elston:
Or his email address.
Headmaster:
Show some control Elston. (looks closely at Elston) My god

are you wearing lipstick?
Elston:
No? I just have naturally ruby lips.
(As the Headmaster continues, behind him Elston pulls out a compact to check his makeup.)
4
Headmaster (to audience):
What are you tittering about? So you wont stand? Please

yourselves, I can wait all day.
(Headmaster sits in his chair, picks up a newspaper and ignores audience. Pause.)
Hunt (pleads):
The entire school will stand!. Please?
Headmaster:
Those boys who are still sitting, you realise youre spoiling it
for the rest of the school. Im ordering you to stand up!
(Terry enters with a flourish)

Terry:
Good morning Boss. (waves to Elston) Morning Ronnie,

youre looking lovely this morning. (Elston blushes)
Headmaster (ignores Terrys comment)):

Nice of you to join us Shakespeare. I dont
suppose you could possibly get the school to stand?
Terry
Sure Boss. Alright you lot, get up! (threatening) Now!
(As the school rises, Terry sits down at his desk and reads the racing form guide, ignoring
the proceedings.)
Headmaster:
Thats more like it. Now, good morning school!
All (chaotically):
Good morning, Mr (garbled)??????
S.S.:
G-G-G-Ggooo .
Headmaster:
Thank you for the effort, S.S., but you can relax now. Well
try that again, shall we? (angry) This time when I say Good
Morning School, I would like to hear the whole school
respond with Good Morning Mr Tobias, loud and clear.
Yes, and that means you boy, get that stupid grin off your
face.
(Throws chalk at audience member)

Headmaster:
Sorry son, wrong boy (composes himself)

Good Morning School!
All:
Good Morning, Mr Tobias, loud and clear.
S.S.:
G-G-goo-gooomornin Mr Tobias!
Headmaster:
Well done, S.S., you got it in the end, didnt you?

Alright, sit, stay! (S.S. sits up and begs like a dog)
(Suddenly Terrys mobile phone starts ringing)
Headmaster:
Shakespeare could you please conduct youre business

elsewhere.
Terry (whispers):
Sorry cant talk. What?. fifty bucks each way? OK, bye.
Headmaster (authoritatively): Not during assembly thank you! (aside to Terry)by the way
what won the 3.30?
Terry:
Country Lad, paid $200 the win.
Headmaster:
I see(disappointed, he takes out a ticket from his wallet and

tears it up) Well, as you all know, this is the final assembly
for this term .
(S.S. reaches forward and grabs McBeths cymbals he smashes them together, McBeth
starts to cry.)
Headmaster:
McBeth will you stop that infernal whingeing boy. What is

the matter?
( McBeth has a nose bleed, shows the Headmaster a bloodied handkerchief.)

Headmaster:
Yes, I can see it; go to sickbay, thank you.
( McBeth exits, S.S is in hysterics)

Headmaster:
Could we have a little less tittering, please? My God, youre

all acting like a gaggle of giggling schoolgirls. What are they,
Charles?
Hunt:
Just a gaggle of giggling schoolgirls, Sir.
Headmaster:
Yes and speaking of girls, what is that boy in the front row
doing wearing a dress!
(Elston almost has a seizure trying to see who the Head is referring to)
Elston:
Where?
Headmaster:
Sit down, thank you Mr Elston. Ill handle this. The boy in
the front row out of uniform, I want you up here now. Yes,
you know the boy I am talking to dont you? Son, do I have
to come down there and drag you up. Right!
(Headmaster leaps into the audience and drags a woman up on stage)

Elston (disappointed aside): Oh its only a girl.

Headmaster:
I heard that Elston. Did you hear that son? Thats the sort of
ugly rumour that can start when you dress in this manner? So
young man I want you to repeat after me, so the entire school
can hear. I am a boy
(Audience member repeats after Headmaster)

Headmaster:
and I must not wear a dress in general assembly.

Simple!
(Waits until audience member finishes)

Headmaster:
Now get back to your seat! (screams after them) And I want
you to write that out for me three thousand times and have it
on my desk in the morning!
Elston (whispers to girl):
Dont listen to him darling, you look lovely. and where

did you get those shoes?
Headmaster:
Elston!. Now, as it is the final assembly for this term, I

think it appropriate that we all join together and sing the
school song.
Terry:
N-O-!
Headmaster:
Yes, we will! Thank you, Mr Music.(Music Teacher stands)
Music Teacher: (conducting): And one, two, three, four two, two, three, four.
Headmaster:
Yes, yes its not a bloody maths class. Just conduct, will
you! ( yells) McBeth! School song.
(McBeth enters)
McBeth:
Yes, Sir!
Headmaster:
School song boy.
(McBeth commences to sing solo, the Shakespeares become hyper active)

SONG: SCHOOL SONG
McBeth:
WE HONOUR OUR FLAG,

OUR FATHERS AND MOTHERS
WE HONOUR THE LORD,
OUR TEACHERS, OUR BROTHERS.
(The rest of the school start humming along)

McBeth & Choir:
WERE PROUD OF OUR SCHOOL,

OF THAT WE CAN CLAIM,
SO LET US STAND UP FOR
BRAVE DUNSINANE.
All (chorus):
BRAVE DUNSINANE
GODS DUNSINANE,
WE LOVE OUR SCHOOL,
AND WE LOVE OUR NAME.
SO LET US CHEER,
FOR THE MOTTO OF OUR SCHOOL,
DOMINUS VOBISCUM,
WE LIVE BY THE RULE.
WE ARE THE BOYS,
WE ARE THE BOYS,
WE ARE THE BOYS,
FROM OLD DUNSINANE.
Shakespeares:
OH THE HEADMASTER THINKS

THAT WERE SINGING THIS SONG,
BUT WE DONT KNOW THE WORDS,
SO LETS ALL HUM ALONG.
(The Shakespeares hums over next chorus)

BOYS TURN INTO MEN,
AND SOME TURN INTO SOLDIERS
(The Shakespeares shout WOMEN)
Shakespeares:
BUT ELSIES ON THE TURN,

AND HE WANTS TO TAKE US SWIMMING.
(Repeat second chorus)

Headmaster:
HONOUR THE FLAG,

HONOUR YOUR MOTHERS,
HONOUR THE LORD,
YOUR TEACHERS, YOUR BROTHERS.
All:
HONOUR YOUR DADS,

AND HONOUR YOUR MUMS,
Shakespeares:
HONOUR YOUR LULUS,

SIT HONOUR YOUR BUMS.
All:
WE ARE THE BOYS,

WE ARE THE BOYS,
WE ARE THE BOYS,
FROM OLD DUNSINANE.
8
(Students sing second chorus, repeating it as if ad infinitum. Terry with cymbals, S.S. with
side drum above his head, all go crazy, running around. A terrible din.)
Headmaster (blows his whistle): Alright, ballet classes with Mr Elston at 3.30.
(Shakespeares gang run to their seats)
Headmaster:
I thought that would frighten you. Now an item of interest for

all you boys, the rumours have just been confirmed by the
Chairman of the Board, Mr Hunt Charles father, that a new
school will be opening in the vicinity.
Hunt:
Yes, Sir, its a special school, Sir.
Headmaster:
Is it?
Hunt:
Yes, Sir.
Headmaster:
There you go. Its a special school, which means that we are
going to have some special competition here at Dunsinane
College so we had all better pull up our socks, because this
school is a disgrace.
Hunt:
Father said that was your fault, Sir.
Headmaster (not listening):
Yes, and its my fault .???? (realising)

Thank you so much for informing the entire school Charles!
Hunt (smiling in ignorance): Pleasure, Sir.

(Highly embarrassed the Headmaster attempts to change the subject.)
Headmaster:
Welllet me seethere will be a fire drill at fifteen hundred

hours. Remember when the alarm sounds, there is no need for
panic, it will only be a mock fire.
Terry (sarcastically):
Never!
Headmaster:
I shall ignore that remark, Shakespeare; I expect the drill to

go off in an orderly fashion.
(A school bell rings, the Headmaster flinches)

Terry (screams):
Fire!
(Shakespeares gang rush around in mock panic. Elston panics)

Elston (panicking):
Run for your lives!
Headmaster (blows whistle): All right, playtime is over!
10
(The bomb/flashpot explodes. Headmaster dives to the floor)

Dopey (impressed):
Boom! Right!
(Terry and S.S. are rolling with laughter. Hunt goes to the dais and finds the charred
remains of the bomb)
Headmaster (furious):
Who was responsible for that?
Hunt:
McBeth did it, Sir.
Headmaster:
McBeth. Go to my study.
McBeth:
But, Sir
Headmaster:
Dont argue, boy, just go!
(McBeth exits in tears again)

Elston:
Oh, McBeth wouldnt do a thing like that.
Hunt:
Hes a troublemaker, Sir.
Elston:
Hes a perfect student, Hunt!
Terry (wanders over casually): All right, boss, lets not get upset. I cannot tell a lie. I know
who did it.
Headmaster:
Who?
Terry:
Hunt!
(The Headmaster instinctively leaps towards Hunt who cowers).

Hunt:
Oh, I did not, Sir!
Headmaster:
No, of course you didnt, Charles. Thank you Shakespeare

and for that little bit of insolence you can join McBeth in my
study.
Terry:
OK lads, you heard the Boss. All up to his place for a bit of
S&M.
(Shakespeares begin to exit)

Elston:
Youre not seriously going to cane them?
Headmaster:
Its the only thing they understand!
Elston:
Its barbaric.
10

Headmaster:
11
It never did me any harm.
(All exit, except for Hunt and Terry)

Terry:
Listen Hunt, before I go off and get caned, I was just

wondering, are your Mum and Dad coming to the school this
weekend?
Hunt (cautiously):
I suppose so, why?
Terry:
Oh, I just thought it would be a nice opportunity while they

were both here, we could probably get the school padre to
marry them both.
Hunt (puzzled):
But they are married?
Terry (sarcastically):
Never!
(Terry exits, chased by Hunt)
SCENE THREE
(Headmaster enters his office, closely followed by McBeth)
Headmaster:
Quite frankly, McBeth, Im surprised. I didnt think you had

it in you boy.
McBeth:
But I didnt, Sir.
Headmaster:
Didnt what?
McBeth:
I didnt have it in me, Sir. I didnt do it.
(Hunt enters)
Hunt:
Here to supervise the caning, Sir.
Headmaster (takes McBeth to one side): Son, son, son ! You will be leaving school at the
end of this term and passing out with honours. But it will
mean nothing to you lad, nothing unless you grow up to
become a man. Now go and get the cane.
McBeth:
But, sir
Headmaster:
Dont argue, boy, just do it!
(Terry and his sons enter skipping and holding hands)

Terry (to McBeth):
Are you upsetting the boss again, Morrie?
(McBeth has selected the cane and hands it to the Headmaster, who wields it furiously)
11
12
McBeth:
I didnt do it, Terry.
Terry:
Never mind. Just cop it sweet.

Hey boss, Im sorry Im late but Ive brought the twins along
to get caned as well
Headmaster:
Why?
Terry:
They enjoy it!
Dopey:
Right!
Headmaster:
Alright McBeth youre first. Hand out lad.
(The cane cracks across McBeths fingers, he leaps in pain)).

Headmaster:
Whos next!
(Dopey steps forward produces a stockwhip, cracks it and hands it to the Headmaster.)
Dopey:
Right!
Headmaster:
What is this, boy?
(Dopey then bends over and takes his pants down to reveal leather underwear. The
Headmaster, stunned, hurls the stockwhip at Dopey and kicks him in the backside. Hunt
suddenly produces a camera and takes a flash photograph)
Dopey (ecstatic):
Far out! Right!
Hunt:
Could you do that again, Sir?
(Headmaster is still stunned by the flash, he confiscates Hunts camera. Hunt looks
mystified.)
Headmaster:
Charles, just observe! (regains his composure) Come on S.S.,

youre next.
(S.S. offers his hand to the Headmaster, but he is wearing a large cricketers glove)
Headmaster:
Get the glove off.
(S.S. removes the glove to reveal a smaller cotton glove)

Headmaster:
Yes, come on. Other hand.
(Swipes the cane and connects)

S.S.:
F-f-f-fu-fu-fu
12

Headmaster:
Come on, Terry.
Terry:
Youre going to enjoy this, arent you Boss.
Headmaster (furious):
Yes!
13
(Headmaster swipes at Terry just as S.S. swears)

S.S.:
F-f-f-f-fu-fu S-s-shi-it-t!
(Terry spins away from the cane and slaps S.S. for swearing, just as the Headmaster is in
full swing, he misses Terrys hand and falls flat on his face off the dais).
Terry:
S.S.! Language like that in front of the Headmaster.
(Terry notices Headmaster on the ground and tries to help him up)
Terry:
Are you right Boss?
Headmaster:
Just leave me alone. (Terry tries to help him get up) Dont
touch me!
Terry:
OK, but I think this could be very embarrassing..
Headmaster:
What?
Terry:
Caning a father in front of his two sons.
Headmaster:
Yes, I can appreciate that. You two get out!
(S.S., Dopey and McBeth start to exit)

Headmaster:
No, not you, McBeth. I want you to see how I deal with
troublemakers.
Terry:
Does McBeth have to watch this, sir? It could be very ugly.
Headmaster:
Yes!
(Terry has a rubber hand hidden up his sleeve .As the cane hits the hand, it drops off onto
the floor)
McBeth (hysterical):
A-H-H-H!
(Charles Hunt faints)

Headmaster:
My God, Ive mutilated him! (panicking) Oh Im so sorry

Terry but its all your fault.. you pushed me too far
Terry:
I forgive you Cliff.
13

Headmaster:
14
What do you mean you forgive me? What am I going to say

to the Department?
(Terry magically reveals his hand from his sleeve, Headmaster reacts, wheezing and
clutching his throat with an asthma attack. Terry carefully sits him down)
Terry:
You seem a bit upset about something?
Headmaster:
A bit upset? I can hardly bloody breathe!
Terry:
This corporal punishment its just too stressful for a man of

your age.
Headmaster:
What are you talking about , Im four years younger than

you.
Terry:
Youre not thirty eight?
Headmaster:
I am!
Terry:
Thats terrible Cliff youd easily pass for fifty.
Headmaster (shattered):
Fifty! (confides in Terry) Do I really look that old?
Terry:
Youre not back on the drugs are you?
Headmaster:
No! Its the Board.
Terry:
Mate, dont worry about the Board. Weve always handled

them in the past.
Headmaster:
Yes, well not this time, theyre having a meeting tonight and
I havent been invited. I think theyre trying to get rid of me.
Terry:
They cant remove you, Cliff.
Headmaster:
Yes they can Terry. And if I go, you go.
Terry:
They wont get rid of me, mate.

Anyway why do you let them upset you? Cant you just sit
back, relax and have a bit of fun.
Headmaster:
Terry, I have responsibilities at this school. How can I relax?
(Terry hands him a bottle of whisky)

Headmaster:
Yes, thats a good start. Drink Terry? (offers to pour Terry a

glass.)
Terry: (reveals a full glass): Im away mate! Thanks anyway.
14
15
You know with all these problems, all these worries. Itd be
great to be a schoolboy again?
Headmaster:
Oh, it certainly would.
Terry:
Theyve got to be the best years of your life.
Headmaster (dreamily):
Hmmmmm ..
SONG: GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS

Headmaster:
Terry:
YES, THEY WERE SUCH GOOD TIMES,

NOW THEYRE SO FAR AWAY.
Both:
BRING THEM BACK, AND LETS RELIVE

OUR SCHOOLBOY,
(Plus choir)
GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS,
THEY WERE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS.
Headmaster:
REMEMBER WHEN WE FIRST MET,

WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO SCHOOL,
Terry:
OUR MOTHERS HAD TO TAKES US, COS WE CRIED.
Both:
THEY LEFT US IN THE SCHOOL YARD,

WE WERE SO ALONE AND SCARED,
WE HELD EACH OTHERS HANDS,
AND THEN BEGAN,
(Choir)
WITH THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS,

Terry:
IT WASNT LONG BEFORE WE LEARNT,

TO TODDLE OFF ALONE,
Headmaster:
OUR MOTHERS TEARFULLY WAVING AT THE GATE.
Terry& Choir:
BYE, BYE, BYE, BYE.
Both:
WED SKIP IN PUDDLES, GET IN TROUBLE,

LAUGH AND SING AND PLAY.
AND HOLD EACH OTHERS HANDS,
WE FELT SO BRAVE.
(Choir)
IN THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS,
Terry:
YES THEY WERE SUCH GOOD TIMES.
15

Both:
16

BRING THEM BACK AND LETS RELIVE
OUR SCHOOLBOY,
(Choir)
GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS
Headmaster:
WHEN WE WERE OUT OF SHORT PANTS,

IT WAS FOOTBALL, MATES AND SMOKES.
Terry:
A PACK BETWEEN US USED TO LAST A WEEK.
Both:
OUR MOTHERS LOST WHEN WE DISCOVERED

GIRLS WERE SOFT AND SWEET.
WED KISS AND HOLD THEIR HANDS
AND FEEL SO GRAND.
(Choir):
IN THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS

THEY WERE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS,
IN THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS.
(They sit, reflecting. Terry finishes his drink in one gulp).

Terry:
They were great days, Cliff.
Headmaster:
Ah, they certainly were Terry.
Terry:
Well, Ive got to go to a maths class.
Headmaster:
Another drink before you go?
Terry:
I cant have a drink, Cliff, Ive got an exam tomorrow.
Headmaster:
Dont worry about it Terry, I can talk to your teacher.
Terry:
Clifford, you are so irresponsible. You seem to forget that I

am only a student.
Headmaster:
Terry!
Terry:
What?
Headmaster:
Piss off! (Headmaster tosses the fake hand at Terry.)

SCENE FOUR
(McBeth enters looking forlorn and begins singing to himself).
16
17
SONG: NO FRIENDS
McBeth:
GUESS I HAVENT GOT ANY REAL FRIENDS,

SUPPOSE IVE GOT NONE COS IM SO WEAK AND
SMALL,
IVE NEVER REALLY HAD ANY REAL FRIENDS,
BUT ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HAVING NONE AT
ALL
HAVING NO FRIENDS AT ALL,
IVE GOT NO FRIENDS AT ALL.
(Terry enters during McBeths forlorn song.)
Terry (sympathetically):
Whats the matter, Morrie?
McBeth:
Why does everybody hate me, Terry?
Terry:
Nobody hates you Morrie, youre just the new kid. Anyway I
like you!
(Terry removes his shorts and finds an old steam iron in a desk.)
McBeth:
Do you really?
Terry:
Sure I do iron these for me, would you?
McBeth:
OK, Terry.
(Terry hands it all to then he produces a razor and a mirror lathers up and starts
to shave.)
Terry:
When I was your age I was a little goody-goody too. I always

had my head stuck inside a book; none of the other kids
would ever talk to me. Not even youre father.
McBeth:
He ignores me as well!
Terry:
Well, to be honest Morrie, youre dad was never one of my

favourites. Anyway, one day I decided to throw away all
those books and go out into the world to discover.
McBeth:
And what did you find Terry?
Terry:
Women, Morrie. When I was your age son, I used to think

they were just soft boys. I soon found out, when I got the
Tuck shop lady pregnant, I became a bloody hero at this
school.
McBeth:
Really? So, do you think I should have children?
17
18
Terry:
I wouldnt rush into it if I were you, son. You see Ive had a
lot more experience than you. I mean, I was a father at
fifteen, plus, Ive been at this school now for thirty-six years!
McBeth (amazed):
No! Why have you stayed at school that long Terry?
Terry:
Kids today amaze me. Do you know what it is like outside of

school? (Morrie shakes his head) Its horrible, read a paper!
McBeth:
But you cant stay at school forever?
Terry:
I can!
McBeth:
But the fees?
Terry:
Luckily my dear wife left me a small fortune when she

passed away. So I gave it to the School as a gift, in exchange
for our board and education.(laughs to himself) Theyve been
waiting nearly forty years for us to graduate. But,
unfortunately we all have this terrible habit of failing.
McBeth (impressed):
Thats brilliant!
Terry:
I am also eligible for the widowers pension, plus, I get a

child allowance until the twins graduate. So all up I clear
about $400 a week .So I give the boys a dollar each for
pocket money.
.
McBeth:
But, why do you only give them a dollar?
Terry:
Because Im their father, Morrie.
McBeth (disappointed):
Thats not very fair, Terry!
Terry (defensive):
So!
(Hunt has been eavesdropping on their conversation)

Hunt:
I heard all that. The only reason you dont want to leave
school is because youre afraid my fathers going to get you!
Terry:
Ha ha!
Hunt:
Ha-ha yourself. He said hes gonna get you.
Terry:
Son, your fathers been trying to get me ever since I filled his
school desk with cold sick.
Hunt
(They exit)
Yuk., youre a sicko Shakespeare .
18
19
SCENE SIX
(A distant voice is heard above thunder)
Voice (off):
Would the Members of the School Board please come to

order!
(Three shadowy figures appear, they are Mr Hunt, Mrs Hunt and Mr McBeth,
Elston enters and cant see clearly in the gloom)
Elston:
Hello.. its Ronnie Elston.. Am I in the right place?
Mr Hunt:
Ahh! Elston. The names Hunt!
Elston (obsequiously):
Oh Mr Hunt, Charlesfather? Hes doing very well in his

studies.
Mrs Hunt:
Dont lie to us Elston, our sons an idiot.
Mr Hunt:
My wife Daphne.
Elston:
Nice to meet you Mrs Hunt.
Mr Hunt:
And this is our new Board member, Mr McBeth.
Mr McBeth:
Morries father?
Mr McBeth (abrupt):
I am!
Elston:
Hes such a wonderful student, not at all like the other boys.
Mr McBeth (gruffly):
Yep, hes different?
Mr Hunt:
Can we get down to business? Elston, would you be

interested in becoming the head of this school?
Elston:
But we have a Headmaster ?
Mr McBeth:
True! But hes going.
Mr Hunt (gloating):
And so are the Shakespeares.
Elston:
Why?
Mrs Hunt:
They cost us a fortune.
Mr Hunt:
And, itll teach Terry not to throw up in my desk.
Mr McBeth:
Anyway Mrs Hunt reckons youre the right man for the job.
Elston:
Me! But why?

19
20
Mrs Hunt:
Because youre a woman!
Elston (flabbergasted):
What?.but Ihow could you????.
Mrs Hunt:
You dont remember me do you Veronica ?
Elston:
Veronica ? No ones called me that since
Mrs Hunt:
School? Remember the school hockey team?
Elston:
No!Its not Daphne Pongrass ?
Mrs Hunt:
Hello Ronnie.
Elston:
Oh dear, I feel so embarrassedbut you see, I just couldnt

find work and Dunsinane were only hiring men, so
Mrs Hunt:
Theres nothing to be ashamed of Veronica youll make a

wonderful Headmistress.
Elston (blathering):
I was so desperate .. Headmistress?
Mr McBeth:
Thats right Ronnie, next year Dunsinane going to become

Birnam Wood Ladies College.
Elston:
What for girls?
Mr McBeth:
Of course its for girls.
Mr Hunt:
Theres a lot of money in girls.
Mrs Hunt:
So just play the man for a few weeks more.
All (sing):
WELL GOODBYE MR ELSTON

THERES NOTHING MORE TO SAY TO YOU
NEXT YEAR YOULL BE THE NUMBER ONE
THE NEW HEADMISTRESS HAS BEGUN
Elston:
ILL MAKE IT ALL COME TRUE
(The Board members huddle conspiratorially)

Mrs Hunt:
Do you think we should have told Veronica about Morrie.
Mr McBeth:
The times not right for Veronica to know everything.
Mr Hunt:
But together theyll destroy Shakespeare.
(They exit cackling like witches)
20
21
SCENE SEVEN
(Headmaster enters with golf clubs he switches on the PA, then practices his golf swing.
Mid swing Elston enters)
Elston (shouts excitedly):
Headmaster !
(The Head nearly swings himself inside out. He is furious with Elstons loud entrance)
Headmaster (fuming):
Yes, Elston. What do you want?
Elston:
I was wondering if you would spare a moment please?
Headmaster (disinterested): No!

Elston:
But Ive got some really tragic news to tell you.
Headmaster:
Really?
Elston:
Yes, Im leaving the school.
Headmaster:
Goodbye!
Elston:
No not now, next year.
Headmaster:
What a pity.
Elston:
Yes, Im going to become a Headmistress.
Headmaster:
Headmistress, good luck!
(The Headmaster hasnt listened to a word Elston has said. He is totally focussed on his
golf game. Elston starts to leave, mystified at the lack of response)
Elston:
Yes.well Im glad youre so understanding
Headmaster:
Elston! Before you go and have your sex change. Might you
have given a little thought to the school play?
Elston:
Oh the school play? What about something really

contemporary like The Vagina Monologues.
Headmaster (explodes):
Dont be ridiculousWhat has happened to you Elston? Ive

chosen the play! Now what do you say to Macbeth?
Elston:
Well usually.. just hello Morrie..
Headmaster (seething):
I meant the play Macbeth.
Elston:
Oh the play well, why didnt you say so? Ive never
directed that.
21
22
Headmaster:
Well you are not going to direct it.
Elston:
But I am the Head of Drama.
Headmaster:
No way! Not after last years little fiasco.
Elston:
But last year was a stunning success!
Headmaster:
Little Women in a boys school?
Elston:
It was an experiment.
Headmaster:
Well youre not going to experiment on my boys.
Elston:
If Im not going to direct it, who is?
Headmaster:
Terry Shakespeare!
Elston:
Terry Shakespeare? He couldnt direct traffic.
Headmaster:
Elston, if he directs Macbeth , I can give him a pass mark and

Dunsinane will be rid of him forever.
Elston (aside):
Why does everybody want to ruin Shakespeare?
(Knock on the door, Terry enters)

Terry:
Good morning Boss. Whats up?
Headmaster:
Terry, Mr Elston and I have been discussing the school play.
Terry:
Please Boss, dont let him do Little Women again!
Elston:
But Terry, you were wonderful as the mother.
Terry:
Thanks a lot mate, it took me months to live that down. Did

you know I had to change pubs?
Headmaster:
Yes, well you wont have to worry about that , because this
year Ive decided that were doing the play that youve been
studying for your finals.
Terry:
Oh yeah, which one is that then?
Headmaster:
You havent read it have you?
Terry:
Well I just dont have the time, Cliff. What with the
twinsyou know.
22
23
Headmaster:
Yes.. well in an attempt to make you read the play, I have

decided that youre going to direct it.
Terry (mock laughter):
I couldnt direct traffic!
Elston:
See!
Headmaster:
Well youre just going to have to learn.
Terry:
Why me?
Headmaster (whispers):
Because youve got to help me impress the Board.
Terry:
Oh the Boards involved. I suppose Charles Hunt is going to

be the lead?
Elston
The boys an idiot.
Headmaster:
Elston!
( Elston suddenly realises hes made a faux pas)

Elston:
Thats what his mother said.
(A knock on the door,Charles Hunt enters)

Headmaster:
Ah Charles, come in.
Hunt:
Hello, sir, its just me, sir.
(Terry screams and ducks for cover.)

Terry:
Aeaaaagh!!!!!
Hunt (bewildered):
Sorry, Head, sir.
Headmaster:
Charles.I just..
(Terry continues screaming)

Terry:
Nobody panic, its just escaped from the circus. I need a

phone!
Headmaster (ignoring Terry): Charles, my dear boy!

(Terry picks up the Headmasters phone)
Terry:
Hello, is that the circus? Something horrible just walked into

our school. Its about two metres tall and really ugly. I think
youll need a gun to kill it.
23

Headmaster:
Ignore him Charles. I cant tell you how thrilled I was to

watch you batting out there on the field the other day.
Hunt:
And I cant tell you, Sir, how proud I was to be out there
batting for the school, Sir.
24
(Terry is sickened by the ingratiating behaviour of the Head and Hunt, so he makes
crawling gestures behind their backs)
Terry:
Excuse me, I dont want to interrupt you two, do you mind if

I just pop outside, I think Im going to throw up. (Terry exits
to be sick.)
Headmaster:
Dont worry about him Charles, because the staff (gesturing

to Elston) and I have been having a little chat and weve
decided that you are going to play Macbeth.
(Terry makes sounds of throwing up over the PA system)

Hunt:
Play McBeth, oh good show sir, what sport will that be in

then sir, I can beat him at anything
Elston:
No, Hunt. Its the play Macbeth, not the student McBeth.
Hunt:
Have they written a play about Morris McBeth, sir?
Headmaster:
No, Charles, its a play by Shakespeare.
Hunt:
Can Terry Shakespeare write sir?
Elston (exasperated):
Not Terry Shakespeare, William Shakespeare!
Hunt:
Whos he?
Headmaster:
Charles, dont worry lad, because Ill be on stage there with

you.
Hunt:
Oh goody.
Headmaster:
Yes. I myself shall be playing McDuff.
Elston:
Well can I play Lady MacBeth?
Headmaster( chortles):
If you must.
Hunt (to Elston):
Sir, I think you would make a wonderful woman, sir.
Elston:
Do you think so Hunt? I wonder what Ill wear?
Hunt:
Headmaster, Sir! Am I going to be playing the hero sir?
24

Headmaster:
25
Yes, of course, you are my boy. You see
SONG: EVERYBODY LOVES A HERO

Headmaster:
EVERYBODY LOVES A HERO, ESPECIALLY WHEN

ITS A BOY LIKE HUNT,
Hunt:
Thank you sir
Headmaster:
PEOPLE PAY TO SEE, A MAN LIKE HIM
Hunt:
Or me.
Headmaster:
HELL FILL THE THEATRE JUST WAIT AND SEE
Hunt:
IT ISNT HOW YOU PLAY TO WIN ,

ITS HOW YOU PLAY THE PLAY
AND I SHALL PLAY TO WIN THE DEATH
ILL GO TO GYM AND OIL MY SKIN
THE AUDIENCE ILL SLAY
COS I WOULD MAKE THE PERFECT MACBETH
All:
BECAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES A HERO
Hunt:
ITS SOMETHING THAT COMES NATURALLY TO ME,

I LOOK AT MY REFLECTION
AND SOMETIMES ASK THE QUESTION
WHY IS THERE JUST ONE OF ME.
Elston:
IVE PLAYED GINGER ROGERS, JUDY GARLAND,

BARBARA STREISAND TOO
ID BE PERFECT PLAYING LADY MACBETH
Headmaster:
You!
Elston:
Me!
ALL MY WIGS AND DRESSES
NEVER FAIL TO THRILL THE BOYS,
ILL KILL THEM WITH MY LADY MACBETH.
Headmaster:
What a hideous way to go.
Elston:
I KNOW MY PARTS DEMANDING
Headmaster:
Really!
Elston:
BUT DRAMATICALLY ITS JUST ME

TO PLAY A TRAGIC QUEEN
JUST SEEMS TO BE MY SCENE
MACBETH AND ME
COULD MAKE THE PERFECT TEAM
25
26
(Chorus offstage)
THEY FOUND A HERO
FOUND A LADY
PARTS THAT THEY DESERVE
SO THEY WILL PLAY THEIR ROLES
AS WELL AS THEY CAN.
All:
WE FOUND A HERO,
FOUND A LADY,
PARTS THAT WE DESERVE,
SO WE WILL
Headmaster:
PLAY OUR ROLES AS WELL AS WE
Elston:
SHOW OUR PARTS AS MUCH AS WE
All:
PART OUR ROLES AS WELL AS WE CAN
Hunt:
SHE IS MY LADY.
Headmaster:
PLAY OUR ROLES AS MUCH AS WE
Elston:
ROLE OUR PARTS AS WELL AS WE
All:
SHOW OUR PARTS AS MUCH AS WE CAN
(Headmaster and Elston dance off singing leaving Hunt onstage)

All:
FOUND A HERO, FOUND A LADY,

PART THAT WE DESERVE,
SO WE WILL PLAY OUR ROLES
AS WELL AS WE CAN.
(Terry, S.S. and Dopey enter from opposite side of stage, repeatedly singing)
Shakespeares:
THEY FOUND AN APE,

THEY FOUND A FAIRY,
PARTS THAT THEY DESERVE,
SO THEY WILL PLAY THE ROLES
AS WELL AS THEY CAN
(As Headmaster and Elston leave, the Shakespeares sing their version of the song)
SCENE SEVEN
(Hunt, McBeth and the Shakespeares come together on stage)
Hunt:
Excuse me, Terry, may I have a brief word with you please?
26
27
Terry:
Certainly Charles.
Hunt:
The Head has just informed me that we will be working

together rather closely, on the school play. So how about we
just forget about our little differences and become pals, eh,
what do you say? Shake on it.
(Terry takes Hunts hand and spits in it. Hunt is disgusted)

Terry:
Youre a real crawler Hunt, youre just sucking up to me so

that you can get a part in my play.
Hunt:
But I already have a part.
Terry:
Dont tell me, is it a play about an escaped gorilla.
Hunt:
No! Its a play about Macbeth. And Im the lead.
Terry (points to McBeth):
Oh well thats great. So who is he playing?
Hunt:
Who?
Terry:
McBeth!
Hunt:
I dont know?
Terry:
Listen, if somebody writes a play about McBeth dont you

think McBeth should get to be in the bloody play. McBeth
what is Macbeth about?
McBeth:
Its one of Shakespeares greatest tragedies.
Dopey:
Right!
Terry (despairingly):
Yes, I know how he felt.
Hunt:
If you know so much, what sort of person was this Macbeth?
McBeth:
He was a brave Scottish warrior, who fought his kings

enemies and
(Hunt is pleased with this description until)

Terry:
put on ladies underwear and wore a red nose.
Hunt (offended):
What?
Terry:
Well thats the way I see it Hunt. Im the director.
27

Hunt:
28
Terry youre just trying to make a fool of me , Im going to

tell on you. Sir!
(Hunt runs off stage)

McBeth:
Listen Shaker, if you need a hand with the play, Ive just been
studying the piece.
Terry:
Thanks, Morrie. The last time I read Macbeth was 20 years

ago. Will you help?
McBeth:
Ill help. But do you think I could get to a part in the play,
Shaker, maybe a walk on.
Terry:
A walk on? Morrie if you help me, youll get to play

Macbeth.
McBeth:
But what about Hunt?
Terry;
Ill fix him.
McBeth:
How are you going to do that?
Terry:
Its easy. You see, were going to play the three wicked
witches, Ill just wave my magic wand.
(Terry produces a wand S.S. and Dopey arrive in witches hats)

McBeth:
But
Terry:
Trust me Morrie, its magic
SONG: MAKE YOU A STAR

Shakespeares:
WE ARE THE WICKED WITCHES

THE REALLY WICKED WITCHES
Terry:
ILL WAVE MY WAND AND YOULL GO FAR,

MORRIE MCBETH, YOULL BE A STAR
McBeth:
THANK YOU FOR BEING KIND TO ME,

I KNOW THAT IT CANT TRUE,
NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED ME,
Shakespeares:
YOULL BE THE BIGGEST THING IN DUNSINANE

NO ONE WILL EVER FORGET YOUR NAME.
YOULL STAND UP THERE UPON THE STAGE,
MORRIE MCBETH WILL BE THE LATEST RAGE.
28
29
(Chorus)
BECAUSE THE THREE WICKED WITCHES GONNA

MAKE YOU A STAR
YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE,
WERE THE THREE WICKED WITCHES, GONNA PUSH
YOU SO FAR,
WE KNOW YOURE A STAR.
McBeth:
IM GOING TO MAKE THE BIG TIME
Shakespeares:
YOULL BE THERE IN SUCH A SHORT TIME,

WITH US YOULL BE THE NUMBER ONE.
JUST STICK WITH SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS.
McBeth:
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUVE PROMISED ME,

WHY SHOULD YOU BE SO KIND?
I NEVER KNEW YOU CARED FOR ME.
Shakespeares:
YOULL BE THE BIGGEST NAME THAT EVER HIT

THE HEIGHTS,
MORRIE MCBETH UP THERE IN THE LIGHTS.
(Chorus)
BECAUSE THE THREE WICKED WITCHES GONNA

MAKE YOU A STAR.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE
YES THE THREE WICKED WITCHES GONNA PUSH
YOU SO FAR
WE KNOW YOURE A STAR.
McBeth:
IM GOING TO MAKE THE BIG TIME
Shakespeares:
YOULL BE THERE IN SUCH A SHORT TIME

WITH US YOULL BE THE NUMBER ONE
JUST STICK WITH SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS.
McBeth:
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUVE DONE.
(A bell starts ringing)

Terry:
Everyone off to rehearsals.
(They all exit)

SCENE EIGHT
(Elston enters wearing ballet tights, leg warmers etc. He begins doing ballet exercises,
warming up and recites a soliloquy, thoroughly over acting.)
29

Elston:
30
To be or not to be, that is the question,

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows
Of outrageous fortune,
To die, to sleep perchance to dream..
(Elston lapses into singing)

The impossible dream.
(Hunt enters, wearing shorts and singlet. He runs on stage puffing with exhaustion)
Hunt:
Isnt this just typical of Shakespeare, Sir. I mean to keep us

waiting like this. I could have been down at the gymnasium
or the swimming pool or even at rugger practise.
Elston
I wish you were Hunt!
(Terry enters carrying a megaphone; S.S. carries a folding directors chair and Dopey is
on his skate board pretending to film with a small digital camera)
Terry:
Alright sweeties, quiet on the set! Lets get on with this

rehearsal. Elsie baby, if you wouldnt mind standing on the
prompt side of the stage, and Hunt maybe you could help us
out by rolling up the school flag.
Hunt:
Righto Terry.
Terry:
And when youve done that, why dont you stick it up your
arse.
Hunt:
Right thats it
(Hunt grabs Terry by the throat just as the Headmaster enters)

Headmaster (beaming):
I hope Im not interrupting anything .
Terry (choking):
Oh feel free, Boss. Interrupt.
Headmaster:
What were you doing then Charles?
Hunt (tongue tied):
Well sir, I, um, er
Terry:
Ill explain Charles. You see, we were just rehearsing that

wonderful scene where Hunt is about to have sex with the
head witch. But we havent finished yet, have we Charles ?
Hunt (confused):
No?
(Terry kisses Hunt full on the lips and speaks in a falsetto voice )
Terry:
I love you too Macbeth, but Im not that sort of witch.

30
31
(Hunt is mortified, he spits as if poisoned)

Headmaster:
Terry! Who has it off with the head witch?
Terry:
Macbeth.
Headmaster:
Macbeth?
(McBeth races forward to Headmaster)

McBeth:
Yes, sir?
Headmaster:
No, not you McBeth, I am speaking about Macbeth the

character in the play Macbeth, (Unsure) I think, .wasnt I
Terry?
Terry:
Isnt that amazing you should spot my biggest problem sir.
Headmaster:
And whats that?
Terry:
Well you see every time I say Macbeth, two Macbeths walk
on stage.
Headmaster:
Ah I see. (Pondering), too many Macbeths, mmm
Hunt:
Sir, I could have the solution to this little problem.
Headmaster:
Yes, Charles?
Hunt:
Why dont we simply change the name of the play to

something like, Shakespeares Hunt.
Elston:
Dont be ridiculous.
Terry:
No, hang on, that is not as stupid as it sounds. I like it

Shakespeares Hunt.
Headmaster:
You cant change the name of the play! Besides Hunt isnt
Scottish.
Terry:
Oh he was Scottish, wasnt he! Well what about Mac-
(The Headmaster urgently interrupts Terry)

Headmaster:
Terry! I know where youre going, so you can stop it right

now. For the last time, the name of the play is Macbeth and
Macbeth it shall be.
Terry:
OK, I see. So the name of the play is Macbeth and McBeth it

will be?
31
Headmaster:
32
Thank you.
(The Headmaster confident he has solved the confusion marches out)

Terry:
Did everyone hear that? Morrie, the Boss just gave you the
job.
McBeth:
It came true!
Hunt (whining):
But I was given that role.
Terry:
Hunt, look Im the director and you know what directors do?
They tell people what to do, right!
Hunt:
Right?
Terry:
So piss off!
(Hunt is shocked and hurries off to tell the Headmaster)

Hunt:
Oh, ooh Sir, sir!
(Terry sits in his Directors chair)

Terry:
Cast ready? Everybody into position ? Can I have McBeth

over next to Lady Macbeth? Thank you very much my
darlings. Cameras ready, lighting reading, makeup ready, roll
cameras, and go.
(Dopey holds up his digi-cam and skate boards towards the Macbeths. S.S. follows with
his portable lighting rig *It would be great if these pictures could be projected live onto a
large screen)
Dopey:
Right!
Elston:
Go where?
Terry;
Cut! Look Elsie, Ive done my bit, how about you just act and
Ill watch, right?
Elston:
Right?
Terry:
S.S. Call this Take two.
( S.S. takes out a clapper board and attempts to call the take)
S.S.:
Take W-w-w-o-o ..take woo
Terry:
This is going to take all bloody day, just forget it! Roll
cameras and action.
32
33
(Dopey rolls right up to Elston and takes a close up.S.S. holds a portable light so close it
almost blinds the actors )
Dopey:
Right!
Elston: (blinded)
Act what?
S.S.:
C-C-c-cu-cu ( gives up and tries to say stop) dop.
Terry (to audience):
Dop! Hes getting closer isnt he?
(Terry strolls over to Elston)

Terry:
Act what? Act the bloody play, Elsie?

(to S.S.) Dont call it anything.just clap the scene, and roll
the camera.
( S.S. looks hurt but claps the scene anyway)

Elston:
Terry, act with what?
S.S. (finally):
Cut!
Terry (impressed):
His first word.
(Terry approaches Elston)

Terry:
Whats the big hassle Elsie baby?
Elston:
Well, Terry baby we must have scripts.
(Terry snaps his fingers to S.S., who immediately produces a packet of crisps. He hands
them to Terry who passes them to Elston)
Elston (sibilantly):
No, not crisps, scripts
(Terry wipes his face of spittle then turns to S.S.)

Terry (equally sibilantly):
No no no, not crisps, scrisps.
(S.S wipes his face and turns and just spits on Dopey. Terry turns back to Elston)
Terry:
No!
Elston:
No what?
Terry (sprays sibilantly):
No scrisps.
( Elston wipes his face)
33

Elston:
34
But Terry we must have scrisps !
(Terry and sons are about to be showered with spittle, but Dopey times it perfectly by
erecting an umbrella to protect his family from the word ..scrisps)
Terry:
Listen to me Elsie baby. You have to understand, I am more

of a method director. You see, a lot of other actors cheat by
reading the words and then saying them. What my actors do
is, they say the words and I write them down. After all, thats
the way Russel Crowe works.
Elston:
Of course he doesnt.
Terry:
He does, you go and see Gladiator, he made it all up as he

went along.
Elston:
Oh dont be silly Terry.
Terry:
Go and see the film, you can tell.
McBeth:
But youre the director, youre supposed to tell us what to do.
(Enters Headmaster followed by Hunt)

Headmaster:
Alright Terry, whats this I hear about you changing the roles.
Charles tells me, hes not playing Macbeth.
Terry (turns to S.S.):
Continuity! Who exactly is McBeth?
(S.S. skips across stage and points to Morris McBeth)

S.S.:
H-He is d-d-dad
(Headmaster picks up S.S. by the seat of his trousers and tosses him out. As he returns he
is closely followed by S.S. who mimics his every move)
Headmaster:
Why are you always contradicting me, Terry? Next youll say
I cant play McDuff.
(Terry switches into his best conman role ,buttering up the Head)
Terry:
What you sir? Not play McDuff. But youre one of the greats.
Headmaster (embarrassed): Noooo!

Terry:
Quite honestly Boss, I see you up there with all those famous
names. Crowe.De Niro.Lassie.
Headmaster:
Lassie! I dont do dog parts anymore Terry.
34

Terry:
I know, but who could ever forget your Nanna to my Peter

Pan. You were a great dog.
Headmaster (humbly):
I was good wasnt I?
Terry:
Good, you were fabulous.
Headmaster (dreamily):
Woof! (realises he has dropped his guard )

Yes well what are we going to do about Charles?
Terry:
In my honest opinion, hes wrong for the part.
Headmaster:
But the Board, Terry.
Terry (resiled):
You want to please the Board?
Headmaster:
I do.
Terry:
For you, Ill make him Macbeth.
Headmaster:
Good.
35
(Terry and the Headmaster shake hands)

Terry:
Come back in ten minutes. Ill run a scene you wont believe.
(The Headmaster exits ,a heart broken McBeth approaches Terry)

McBeth:
But Terry, you promised.
Elston:
Yes Terry, you did promise.
Terry (confidentially):
Look, it is not my fault. Cliff has to please the Board and

Hunts dad is the Chairman.
Elston:
But Morrie is right for the part.
Terry:
I know, but his dad isnt on the Board is he?
(Elston and McBeth both look flustered)

Elston & McBeth:
No!
Terry:
Trust me Morrie. (a disconsolate McBeth exits)

Moving right along. Well rehearse the scene where Lady
Macbeth is standing on the beach in Scotland. Do you know
that scene Charles?
Hunt (unsure):
Yessss?????
Terry:
and she is waiting for you. Macbeth, her Maori warlord.

35
36
Elston:
But Terry, there are no Maoris in Macbeth?
Terry:
I know. Shakespeare just forgot. and Lady Macbeth sings

him this wonderful love song when he steps out of his canoe.
Elston:
Canoe?
Terry:
Mmmm. And she tells him how to kill Duncan, the King of
the other tribe.
Elston:
Terry I m not sure about this.
Terry:
Thats a pity, I thought youd look lovely in a grass skirt.
Elston:
Do I get to wear a grass skirt?
Terry:
Mmmm.
Elston:
Oh! That love scene.
(Elston and Hunt exit to dress for their big scene. McBeth enters alone and sings)
SONG: NO FRIENDS
McBeth:
I THOUGHT ID FOUND A REAL FRIEND,

COS I LIKED YOU
AND I THOUGHT YOU CARED FOR ME,
I SHOULDVE KNOWN YOU WERENT MY REAL
FRIEND,
COS YOU BROKE ALL OF YOUR PROMISES TO ME.
IVE STILL GOT NO FRIENDS AT ALL.
HAVING NO FRIENDS AT ALL.
(Terry and his sons enters as McBeth finishes the song)

Terry:
Whats the matter Morrie?
McBeth:
Youve ripped me off, Terry, just like you rip off your own
two sons.
(The boys prick their ears up)

Terry:
Oh, easy!
McBeth:
Why did you do it, Terry?
Terry:
Not another prima donna. I told you everything was going to

be sweet.
36
37
McBeth:
I see, another promise. Youre just like my father. I thought

you were someone special, well youre not. Do you know
what you really are, Mr Shakespeare?
Terry:
Mr. What?
McBeth:
Youre just middle aged.
(McBeth storms off in tears)

Terry:
What upset him?
S.S.:
We think hes ri-ri-right.
(S.S. and Dopey move in on Terry)

Terry:
Are you two kids ganging up on your old Dad are you?
(Terry falls to the stage feigning a heart attack)

Terry:
Oh my heart!
(The boys are distressed but suddenly realise Terry is holding his right hand side)
Terry (realising):
Sorry! Wrong side.
(Terry covers his heart as the Headmaster enters)

Headmaster:
What scene are you rehearsing now, Terry?
(Terry makes a complete recovery and leaps to his feet)

Terry:
Oh, youre back.
Headmaster:
You said ten minutes.
Terry:
Ten minutes? Oh thats right.. ( yells off) Are you two ready
yet?
Elston & Hunt (off):
Yes. Ready.
(Elston peeks around the curtains and cheekily bares a leg , then dances on wearing a
Hawaiian skirt, coconut bra and leis. Elston is reading from Collected Shakespeare and
is overacting dreadfully)
Elston:
Great Glamis! Worthy Cawdor!

Greater than both, by the all-hail hereafter!
Thy letters have transported me beyond
This ignorant present, and I feel now
The future in the instant.
37

Hunt (off):
My love, Duncan comes here tonight.
Elston:
And whence goes hence?
Hunt:
Forthwith, as he porpoises.
Elston:
Oh, hes swimming is he?
38
(Hunt enters in a loincloth; covered in Maori war paint he holds a paddle and has a plastic
inflatable canoe around his middle. Chorus in hula skirts etc enter to dance.)
SONG: PINEAPPLE PRINCESS
Hunt:
OH MY PINEAPPLE PRINCESS,
LOVELY HULA HIPS,
I REALLY LIKE YOUR NEW DRESS,
LOVE YOUR HULA HIPS.
IVE ROWED DIRECTLY FROM TONGA,
IT REALLY TAKES MUCH LONGER THAT WAY.
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.
(Elston and Hunt meet)

Elston:
O MY SWEET MAORI LORD,

ILL MAKE YOU A KING,
JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD,
(Elston produces a knife)

Elston:
THIS IS ALL YOU NEED.

YOU TAKE A KNIFE TO THE CASTLE,
STAB THE KING IN THE .TOWER
AND YOULL BE,
MY LOVELY ISLAND KING OF EVERYTHING.
(Elston stuffs the knife down Hunts loincloth)

Elston:
WHAT A TEAM WELL MAKE.
Hunt:
COONEY WAK A HOI.
Elston:
Speak English Hunt.

WHEN WE CUT UP THE CAKE.
Hunt:
I LOVE YOUR HULA HIPS.
Elston:
Thank you dear.
Hunt:
THEN SCOTLAND IS OURS,
Elston:
NEW ZEALAND AS WELL.

AND YOULL BE
38

Both:
39
MY LOVELY ISLAND KING OF EVERYTHING.
(Elston steps into Hunts plastic canoe and they paddle in unison)
Hunt:
KING AND QUEEN OF NEW ZEALAND.
Elston:
AND SCOTLAND AS WELL.

ILL MAKE YOU HAGGIS IN A HUNGI.
Hunt:
I DINNA CAN STAND THE SMELL.
Elston:
WELL YOU TAKE THE HIGH ROAD,
Hunt:
AND ILL TAKE THE LOW ROAD,
(Elston and Hunt face in opposite directions and paddle)

Both:
Hunt:
BY YON BONNY BANKS

AND BY THE BUBBLING MUD POOLS,
BY A LOCH DOWN IN ROTORUA.
COME AWAY, COME AWAY
COONEY WAK A HOI
(Elston and Hunt dance off. Headmaster follows them to the exit, dumbfounded)
Terry:
What dyou reckon Cliff?
Headmaster (stunned):
I really dont know what to say Terry.
Terry:
Yes, it is different, isnt it? (Terry confides in the Head)

Cliff is it my imagination, or has Elston got a great body?
Headmaster ( exasperated): What are you talking about? Terry, what are the School
Captain and the Drama Master doing dressed up as hula-hula
girls?
Terry:
Who knows? You wanted Hunt as Macbeth. So when the

School Board asks me why theyre dressed up like that, Ill
just tell them it was your idea.
Headmaster (worried):
Lets not be hasty. What do you suggest?
Terry:
If you want my honest opinion, I think McBeth should play

Macbeth, for three major reasons. One, hes got great
charisma, two, hes got a great feel for theatre and three, hes
the only bloody kid in the whole school whos read the play.
Headmaster:
Good point! (calling) McBeth?
(McBeth steps forward)
39
40
McBeth:
Yes, sir?
Headmaster:
Son, I have decided that you are Macbeth.
McBeth (puzzled):
I am, sir?
Headmaster:
Yes, you are.
McBeth (confused):
Thank you sir.
Terry:
Good. Now will you break the bad news to Hunt please, Sir?
Headmaster:
Charles?
(Hunt enter, dressed in his loincloth, he has cold cream on his face to remove the face
paint)
Hunt:
Yes sir?
Headmaster:
Charles, Terry and I have been having a talk and weve

decided that perhaps youd be better suited in another role.
Hunt:
Oh pooh, Sir.
Headmaster:
Dont fret lad.
Hunt:
I shant sir. But I will have to tell my father sir.
Headmaster (panicking):
No, Charles! I am sure that Terry can find you a better part.
Cant you Terry?
Terry:
Ive got a lovely juicy part picked out for Hunt, Sir.
Hunt (snotty):
Yes well whats that?
Terry:
Duncan!
Headmaster (relieved):
Duncan! Great part.
Hunt:
Whos he?
Headmaster:
Hes the ah, Terry?
Terry:
Hes the King of Scotland.
Hunt:
A king! Oh goody sir, Im getting to play a king.
Headmaster:
Perfect!
40
41
SONG: STRIKE ME LUCKY

Hunt:
IM SO LUCKY, IM A LUCKY THING
Headmaster:
HUNT MY BOY, YOURE GOING TO BE THE KING.
Hunt:
LUCKY, LUCKY, IM THE LUCKY ONE.
Headmaster:
YOURE SO LUCKY, LUCKY MY SON.
(Music vamps under. Headmaster takes Terry aside).

Headmaster (stage whisper): Doesnt Duncan get murdered in the second act?
Terry:
Yep!
Headmaster (resigned):
Oh well, thats show biz.
(Elston and McBeth enter and sing)

Elston:
McBeth:
Both:
OH IM GONNA BE YOUR LADY DEAR.

AND IM GONNA BE YOUR LORD.
WERE GOING TO MAKE A HANDSOME COUPLE.
Shakespeares:
BUT THREE WICKED WITCHES,

WELL BOIL UP A BREW,
AND WELL GIVE IT TO YOU.
BOIL UP A BREW,
AND WELL GIVE IT TO YOU.
Terry:
WERE OFF TO DO THE PLAY MACBETH,

WERE ONLY SCHOOLBOYS DOING OUR BEST,
POOR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARES
DOWN, UPON HIS KNEES
Dopey & S.S.:
SO PASS IT ROUND AND PRAY FOR
Terry:
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME,

IF YOU WERE HERE I HOPE YOUD LAUGH WITH ME,
YOUR TRAGEDYS BECOME, A SCHOOLBOY FARCE,
FORGIVE ME PLEASE OH WILLIAM.
(The rest of the cast enter and join Terry in the chorus)
All cast and Choir:
WE ARE THE BOYS,

WE ARE THE BOYS,
WE ARE THE BOYS OF OLD DUNSINANE.
(Repeated until all have exited. Bell rings)

INTERVAL
41
42
Boys Own McBeth

Act Two
SCENE ONE
(Mr McBeth and Mr and Mrs Hunt enter and sit to one side of the stage. The Headmaster
steps from behind the small curtain ,he is dressed in mortarboard and academic gown.)
Headmaster:
My Lords and Ladies, your Excellency, Members of the

Board (waving) Mr Hunt, parents, friends of the College and
um .boys. Welcome to the end of term activities. Before
we begin the play there are a few acknowledgements.
(He takes off his mortarboard and reads from notes placed in it)
Headmaster:
Firstly, to Mrs Jenkins and the Mothers Club for the

refreshments. They were lovely as usual. Secondly, our
librarian, Miss Graymalkin would like to thank Colonel
Frampton for all he has done for her this year, and for giving
her the entire works ( flustered he looks at his notes)
Headmaster:
of Charles Dickens.
Terry:
Pssst!
(Terrys hand appears around the curtain waiving a note. The Headmaster takes it)
Headmaster:
Excuse me one moment, please. (reads the note aloud)

Theres a message here to pass on congratulations to Mr and
Mrs Hunt, parents of our School Captain, on the occasion of
their recent marriage.
(There is a scream of laughter from behind the curtains, Terry grabs the Headmaster
through the curtain and lifts him off his feet. The Headmaster struggles free and leaps
behind the curtain, a scuffle ensues until the Headmaster is unceremoniously hurled back
out onto the stage.)
Headmaster:
Sorry, Mr Hunt. (composing himself) The play tonight is

Macbeth, and this year the entire production has been under
the direction of one of our older students. Terry Shakespeare.
(Terry pops his head out)

Terry:
Gday.
Headmaster:
Perhaps some of you will remember Terry from your own

school days, eh? The play tonight is all the boys own work
so lets hear it for, our boys own Macbeth!
42
43
SCENE TWO
(Terry Shakespeare is standing beside a smoking cauldron, he is dressed as a Witch )
SONG: WITCHES THEME
Terry:
THRICE THE BRINDED CAT HATH MEWED

THRICE AND ONCE THE HEDGE-PIG WHINED,
HARPIER CRIES: TIS TIME, TIS TIME.
ROUND ABOUT THE CAULDRON GO,
IN THE POISONED ENTRAILS THROW.
(S.S. enters dressed as a Fairy in a tu- tu. Dopey arrives as an Elf on roller blades. They
join Terry at the cauldron)
All:
SWELTERED VENOM, SLEEPING GOT,

BOIL THOU FIRST IN THE CHARMED POT,
DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE,
FIRE BURN AND CAULDRON BUBBLE.
S.S. & Dopey:
WELL BOIL A BREW TO MAKE YOU SPEW,

WE ARE THE WICKED WITCHES.
(Terry throws various rubber insects and reptiles into the cauldron)
All:
FIRST A FILLET OF FENNY SNAKE

IN THE CAULDRON BOIL AND BAKE
EYE OF NEWT AND TOE OF FROG,
WOOL OF BAT AND TONGUE OF DOG.
ADDERS FORK AND BLIND WORMS STING,
LIZARDS LEG AND HOWLETS WING,
FOR A CHARM OF POWERFUL TROUBLE,
LIKE A HELL BROTH BOIL AND BUBBLE.
S.S. & Dopey:
DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE,

WERE GOING TO GIVE MACBETH SOME TROUBLE
(S.S. produces a sandshoe and bra and Dopey a sock. They hurl them in the cauldron)
S.S.:
IVE GOT A SANDSHOE
Dopey:
IVE GOT A SOCK
S.S.:
IVE GOT A BRA
Both:
LETS CHUCK EM IN A POT.
Terry:
What are you two trying to do, ruin the play?
43

S.S.:
Who cares? Were leaving school anyway, were getting a

job!
Dopey:
Bread. Right!
Terry:
A job! You two. Why?
S.S.:
Cos you get all of the money. Youre ripping us off!
Terry:
Who told you that?
S.S.:
Who do you think?
Terry:
Bloody McBeth!
44
(Terry continues with the song)

Terry:
OH WELL DONE, I COMMEND YOUR PAINS,

AND EVERYONE SHALL SHARE IN THE GAINS.
S.S. & Dopey:
AND NOW ABOUT THE CAULDRON SING,

LIKE ELVES AND FAIRIES IN A RING.
All:
ENCHANTING ALL THAT WE PUT IN.
S.S. & Dopey:
WERE ELVES AND FAIRIES IN A RING!
Dopey:
OH IM AN ELF AND HES A FAIRY.
S.S.:
SHES A MOLL AND HES A MARY.
All:
COS WE ARE, WE REALLY ARE,

WE ARE THE WICKED FAIRIES.
S.S.:
LIVER OF BLASPHEMING JEW
Terry:
NEVER MIND, MACBETHS WILL DO
All:
SLIVERED IN THE MOONS ECLIPSE,

NOSE OF TURK, AND A TARTARS LIPS.
DOUBLE DOUBLE BOIL AND BUBBLE.
S.S. & Dopey:
WERE GONNA GIVE MACBETH SOME TROUBLE,

BECAUSE WE ARE THE WISE AND WONDROUS
DIRTY LITTLE WITCHES.
Terry:
BY THE PRICKING OF MY THUMBS,

SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES.
(a knock is heard)
44

All:
45
OPEN LOCKS , WHOEVER KNOCKS

A DRUM, A DRUM, MACBETH DOTH COME,
A DRUM, A DRUM, MACBETH DOTH COME.
(They continue singing this line. Enter Morrie McBeth dressed as the Scottish warrior)
McBeth:
How, now, you black and midnight hags!
(Terry, S.S. and Dopey beckon to McBeth )

Terry (Witches voice):
McBeth!
(Terry cackles, McBeth is hesitant to approach any closer)

McBeth:
What is it you do?
Terry:
A deed without a name. Cop this you little mongrel!
(Terry grabs McBeth, upends him, and plunges him into the cauldron)
Terry:
A drum, a drum, McBeth hath gone.
S.S.(concerned):
Whatd you do that for, dad?
Terry:
You said Morrie told you I was ripping you off!
S.S.:
No we didnt, it was Mr Hunt who told us.
Terry:
Mr Hunt?
(Terry helps Morrie out of the cauldron)

Terry:
Im sorry, Morrie. I thought.
McBeth (tearfully):
Why did you do that, Terry? One day when I grow up Im

going to get you for this!
(McBeth hurries off stage crying again)

Terry (to S.S. & Dopey):
Thats bloody lovely, isnt it. What else did Mr Hunt have to
say?
S.S.:
He said its time we grew up and started thinking for

ourselves.
Terry:
Did he? OK. So, thats it then.
(Shaking hands with S.S. & Dopey)

Dopey:
Right!
45

Terry:
Youll look after your brother, wont you Shelley?
S.S.:
Yesss, D-D-dd-d-ad-d.
46
(The boys slowly exit, sadly waving to their father)

Terry:
Well there they go. Its hard to see your babies walk out of
your life. You bring them up and all the time you know that
one day, youre going to have to let go.
Its a thankless job being a parent. (to audience) Surely you
must understand, youre all parents. Even Mr Hunts a parent.
No dont laugh, he is.
(to Mr Hunt) Hes got a son called Charles. (Terry starts to
giggle) Mr Hunt! Do you know what the next scene in the
play is? Duncans death scene. And guess whos playing
Duncan? Right! Your son Charles.. Mr Hunt, if anyone
was born to die on stage, its Charles. Hes a natural.
(Terry exits, laughing and singing William Shakespeare Please Forgive Me)
Terry:
IM OFF TO SCREW THE PLAY MACBETH

WERE ONLY SCHOOLBOYS DOING OUR BEST,
POOR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARES DOWN UPON HIS
KNEES FORGIVE ME PLEASE DEAR WILLIAM.
SCENE THREE
(McBeth enters and stands beside the cauldron)

SONG: NO FRIENDS
McBeth:
I GUESS I HAVENT GOT ANY REAL FRIENDS,

SPOSE IVE GOT NONE, COS IM SO WEEK AND
SMALL,
I KNEW THEY COULDNT BE MY REAL FRIENDS,
COS REAL FRIENDS COULD NEVER DO THOSE
THINGS TO ME,
IVE NEVER HAD FRIENDS BEFORE,
IVE STILL NO FRIENDS AT ALL.
(Elston appears on a tower behind McBeth)

Elston:
MORRIE DEAR, CANT YOU SEE?

THINGS IN YOU, I SEE IN ME.
YES YOURE EVERYTHING TO ME,
DEAR MORRIE, I LIKE YOU.
(Elston suddenly disappears. McBeth sings to the empty tower)
46

McBeth:
47
AND I LIKE YOU TOO SIR,

THANK YOU SIR, YOURE SO KIND,
THEYVE BEEN CRUEL, BUT I DONT MIND.
(Elston enters, dressed as Lady Macbeth wearing a long dress and wimple)
Elston:
YOU CAN TRUST SOMEONE LIKE ME.
McBeth:
JUST SAY YOU WONT HURT ME.
Elston:
I WONT HURT YOU MORRIE,

IVE REALLY NEVER HAD ANY REAL FRIENDS,
BUT IF YOULL BE MY FRIEND,
ILL BE ONE OF YOURS.
Both:
WEVE NEVER HAD ANY REAL FRIENDS,

BUT ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HAVING NONE AT
ALL.
Elston:
YOULL NEVER BE ON YOUR OWN.
Both:
TOGETHER WELL DO IT ALONE.
Elston:
MORRIE DEAR, CANT YOU SEE?

IVE GOT YOU AND YOUVE GOT ME.
Both:
AND WERE EVERYTHING WE NEED.
Elston:
MORRIE I NEED YOU.
McBeth:
.
AND I NEED SOMEONE TOO,
McBeth:
Both:
IVE GOT YOU, YOUVE GOT ME

IVE GOT YOU AND WERE EVERYTHING WE NEED.
IVE GOT YOU, YOUVE GOT ME,
IVE GOT YOU AND WERE EVERYTHING WE NEED.
IVE GOT A FRIEND IN YOU,
YOUVE GOT A FRIEND IN ME.
Elston:
Morrie theres something I must tell you.
McBeth:
Sir!
Elston:
I just, cant keep my secret any longer .
McBeth:
And whats that sir?
Elston:
Im a woman!
McBeth:
I knew that sir

47
Elston:
You knew..but how?
McBeth:
Womens intuition sir.
Elston:
Dont be silly Morrie.
McBeth:
Marie!
48
(McBeth removes the school cap and releases her beautiful flowing locks)
Elston (flabbergasted):
Marie? Noooo.. youre not a woo woo
McBeth:
A woman! Yes I am sir.
Elston:
But if youre a woman, why do you dress as a boy?
McBeth:
My father always wanted a son sir. Thats why he made me

come here, to make a man of me.
Elston:
Well thats all about to change, because when Birnam Wood

comes to Dunsinane you can be exactly who you are, Marie.
(Drum fill and song continues)

Elston:
Both:
WE ARE THE ROTTEN MACBETHS

WELL SEND THEM ALL TO THEIR DEATHS,
THEN WE CAN STAY AND RUN THE SCHOOL.
McBeth:
THE GIRLS OF BIRNAM WOOD WILL RULE.
Both:
WELL MAKE IT ALL COME TRUE.
(Elston and McBeth exit)

SCENE FOUR
(Terry enters dressed as a schoolboy, carrying a large bag full of polystyrene balls)
Terry:
Hunt?.. Charles? Has anyone seen Charles?
(Hunt enters wearing cricketing creams and carrying a bat)

Hunt:
Sorry Im late, Terry. Ive been down at the nets.
Terry:
Charles, your costume is perfect. How did you guess?
Hunt:
Guess what, Terry?
48
49
Terry:
That you are wearing the perfect outfit for Duncan, the King
of Scotland.
Hunt:
Come on, Terry. These are my cricketing creams.
Terry:
Really? How did you find out?
Hunt:
Find out what?
Terry:
That Duncan was the opening batsman for Scotland.
Hunt:
Was he?
Terry:
Yes!
Hunt:
Oh goody.
Terry:
Why dont you go back stage pad up, put on your crown,
youll kill em with your Duncan act.
(Hunt leaves the stage. Terry immediately puts up embossed sign on a stand reading
The Death of Duncan)
I know, but what can you do? Hes not very smart is he Mr
Hunt? Ladies and gentlemen, defying nature herself,
Dunsinane presents the death of Charles Hunt. Sorry, I meant
the death of Duncan.
(Hunt enters wearing a crown, medieval robes, cricketing creams, gloves, pads, and a
cricket box worn as a codpiece, he carries a cricket bat)
SONG: STRIKE ME LUCKY
Hunt:
STRIKE ME LUCKY , IM A LUCKY THING.

LOOK AT ME, IM DUNCAN, IM THE KING.
LUCKY, LUCKY, IM THE LUCKY ONE,
STRIKE ME LUCKY, STRIKE ME LUCKY,
IM SO LUCKY, BOWL ONE UP AT ME.
(Terry speaks from the stage, throwing balls to the audience)

Terry:
Roll up, roll up, chance your arm, hit the dummy, win a prize,
three balls twenty cents, roll up and kill the King! Have a go
you can do it!
Hunt:
STRIKE ME LUCKY, STRIKE ME AND SEE.
Terry:
You heard him, knock his block off and win a prize Sorry
Madam (indicating a wide) No ball.
49
50
(This continues to the actors discretion. Suddenly Terry shouts Owzat and raises his
finger. Hunt starts to leave)
Terry:
What are you doing, Hunt?
Hunt:
Im out; I was caught at long on.
Terry:
Who got you?
Hunt:
McBeth got me.
Terry:
Thats right, Macbeth does get Duncan, doesnt he? (to

audience) The boys an accidental genius. (to Hunt) Youd
better hurry up and change.
Hunt:
What for?
Terry:
Youre Banquo next.
Hunt:
Banquo? What does he do?
Terry:
Plays cricket (aside) and dies.
Hunt:
Oh goody.
(Hunt leaves. Headmasters head appears from behind the curtains)

Headmaster:
Ppsst!
Terry:
What? (Terry beckons to the Headmaster) Cliff, come here!
Headmaster:
No!
Terry ( to audience):
Hes a bit shy, but how about a big hand for our Headmaster,
Clifford Tobias.
(Terry drags the Headmaster onstage in his underwear and dressing gown. The Headmaster
is so embarrassed, he pretends not to be there.)
Headmaster (aside):
Terry, why is Hunt wearing cricketing gear?
Terry:
Hes playing Banquo.
Headmaster:
Banquo didnt play cricket?
Terry:
I know Cliff, but you try telling Hunt that.
Hunt (off stage):
Ready to take the field, Terry!
Terry:
Cliff are you in this scene?
50

Headmaster:
No.
Terry:
Better get off stage, then.
Headmaster:
Yes of course (To the Board). Sorry Mr Hunt.
51
(Headmaster makes an embarrassed exit)

Terry:
And now, as promised, the dismissal of Banquo as performed

by our very own prize idiot, Mr Hunts son, Charles.
Hunt:
IVE BEEN DUNCAN, NOW IM BANQUO

PLAYING UNDER THE LIGHTS.
IVE BEEN TOLD TO DIG IN FOR THE NIGHT
STRIKE ME LUCKY, IM A LUCKY THING.
STRIKE ME LUCKY, STRIKE ME AND SEE.
IM SO LUCKY BOWL ONE UP AT ME.
Terry:
You heard him, knock his head off. (Signalling for the lights
to be turned off. Blackout.) Owzat! (lights come on, as Hunt
makes his way back to the exit) What happened this time,
Hunt?
Hunt:
Not sure, Terry, but I think when the lights went out, I was
bowled around my legs.
Terry:
Never mind. One more chance, Hunt.
Hunt:
Oh super, Terry. Who shall I be this time?
Terry:
Let me see, who went next? Lady McDuff!
Hunt:
But isnt Mr Elston playing Lady McDuff?
Terry:
Not anymore.
Hunt:
Why?
Terry:
He cant play cricket.
Hunt:
Of course and I can! (Hunt turns to leave and stops) Terry?

What about a costume?
Terry:
Pardon?
Hunt:
Wouldnt a lady cricketer wear something different?
Terry:
Thats very astute, Charles. What did you have in mind?
Hunt:
A dress, I suppose.
51
52
Terry:
If you like.
Hunt:
Yes, thats what a lady cricketer would wear, wouldnt she?

Good show!
(Terry watches Hunt exit with an expression of amazement)

You cant pick them, can you? But thats Shakespeare for
you, always messing around with gender. (to Board)
By the way Mr and Mrs Hunt, congratulations. I heard it was
a lovely ceremony. But I wouldnt have any more children if
I were you. You might get another throwback like Charles.
(Hunt enters in a medieval dress and wig)

Terry:
And now, Lady McDuffs last stand as performed by Mr

Hunts lovely daughter, Charlene Hunt.
Hunt:
I WAS DUNCAN I WAS BANQUO

NOW IF THATS NOT ENOUGH,
NOW IM IN AS LADY MCDUFF.
STRIKE ME LUCKY, IM A LUCKY LASS,
IM A LUCKY, LUCKY LADY,
IM SO LUCKY, BOWL ONE AT ME.
(Terry takes a ball and throws it at Hunt)

Terry:
Owzat!
(Terry raised a finger. Hunt wont leave.)

Hunt
What for?
Terry:
L.B.W.
Hunt:
What do you mean, L.B.W? That ball pitched well outside

the off stump.
Terry:
Im in charge Hunt, now walk.
Hunt:
I wont!
Terry:
Youre out. Walk!
Hunt:
This is outrageous. At least I wont have to put up with you

next year.
Terry:
Hunt, lets face facts, you wont be leaving school this year,
because Im afraid you dont have enough brains to pass.
52
53
Hunt:
I dont have to pass. When I get out of here, Im going to be a

politician. So what are you going to do next year, Terry?
Terry:
What do you think Im going to do?
Hunt:
Well, you certainly wont be here, because my fathers turned

this place into a Girls School. Isnt that right, Marie?
(McBeth enters takes off her helmet and reveals that she is in fact a woman.)
Terry
Marie?
McBeth:
Thats right, Terry. Thereve been a few changes around here,

Im the new number one girl.
Terry:
But Ive got a contract?
McBeth:
Thats with Dunsinane Boys School. This is now Birnam

Wood Ladies Finishing College. Isnt that right,
Headmistress Elston ?
(Elston enters removes her wimple and lets down her hair)
Elston:
Thats right Sister.
SONG: GOODBYE SHAKESPEARE

Terry:
MY NAME IS TERRY SHAKESPEARE

IVE GOT NOTHING TO FEAR FROM YOU
ILL ALWAYS BE THE NUMBER ONE
MAKE WAY FOR SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS.
Elston & McBeth:
SHAKESPEARE, YOUVE REALLY HAD YOUR DAY

SAD BUT YOU HAVE TO GO
AWAY FROM DUNSINANE
(chorus)
COS ITS THE END OF YOUR CAREER

GOODBYE SHAKESPEARE
WONT BE ROUND NEXT YEAR
SO LONG SHAKESPEARE
I HAD TO LET YOU KNOW
GOODBYE SHAKESPEARE
YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO
FAREWELL SHAKESPEARE
WERE STAYING ON
WELL BE HERE WHEN YOURE GONE
SO GOODBYE
53
54
BYE, BYE, BYE

WHATS THERE TO SAY?
JUST GO AWAY
McBeth:
Elston:
McBeth:
McBeth & Elston:
GET OUT YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW

IM SAD I REALLY GRIEVE FOR YOU
THE MAN WHO WAS THE NUMBER ONE
THE NEW HEAD GIRL HAS JUST BEGUN
WEVE MADE IT ALL COME TRUE
( Music segues)
YOU TAKE AN M.C..D..E..A...T.H. (twice)
LADY MACBETH (twice)
SHE IS THE LADY MACBETH
OOH LADY MACBETH IT SPELLS DEATH
D.E A.TH
Elston:
THE ONLY TIME IM HAPPY IS WHEN I SEE THINGS

DIE
McBeth:
SHE EVEN LIKES TO PULL THE WINGS

OFF POOR LITTLE FLIES.
Elston:
I STAMP ON SPIDERS, CUT UP WORMS

AND IF THATS NOT ENOUGH
McBeth:
SHE EVEN KILLED THE BABIES OF LADY MCDUFF.
(chorus)
Elston:
IM LADY MCBETH (twice)
All:
SHE IS THE LADY OF DEATH

LADY MACBETH IT SPELLS DEATH
Elston:
D.E.A.T.H.
MY HUBBY REALLY LOVES ME,
HE WOULD DO ANYTHING
I ONLY HAD TO MENTION IT
AND HE KILLED THE KING
NEXT HE KNOCKED OFF BANQUO,
BUT THAT WAS JUST FOR FUN
Elston & McBeth:
THEN LADY MACDUFF, SHE GOT SNUFFED

AND SO DID HER SONS
(chorus)
McBeth:
I DID IT FOR MY LADY MACBETH
54

All:
SHE IS THE LADY OF DEATH

COS LADY MACBETH IT SPELLS DEATH
Elston:
D.E.A.T.H.
55
(repeat chorus)
McBeth:
All:
I DID FOR MY LADY MACBETH

THE LADY OF DEATH
COS LADY MACBETH IT SPELLS DEATH
SCENE FIVE
(Headmaster enters alone. He is wearing a kilt and sporran. He takes on a typical

Shakespearean pose)
Headmaster:
See who comes here.
(No one appears)

Headmaster:
I said, see who comes here.
Terry (off):
Hang on Cliff!
(Headmaster introduces himself to the audience and to fill he starts to describe the
scene.He has the book of Macbeth in his hand)
Headmaster:
Scene three, act four, England before King Edwards palace.

Enter Macduff. thats me. A sort of hero, well no a hero
of sorts. And Malcolm. Wheres Malcolm? (shouts)
Malcolm!
(Dopey comes onstage still dressed as an elf and on roller skates)

Dopey:
Right!
Headmaster:
Malcolm, me thinks, I am in sunny England.
(All stage lights are turned on full. Headmaster reels back blinded. Dopey is wearing
sunglasses)
Headmaster:
in front of the palace that belongs to King Edward.
Dopey:
Right!
Headmaster:
Here I await news of my family and of Scotland, to wit a

messenger Rosse will appear forth hence. (Gestures to the
side of the stage) Forth hence, Rosse?
(No one appears)

55
Headmaster:
Get Rosse, will you? (Dopey looks confused) Get Terry!
Dopey:
Right!
56
(Dopey exits. From the opposite side Terry enter , he is not wearing his school uniform. He
is now in an old second hand suit and trilby, carrying a battered suitcase. Terry ignores the
Headmaster and walks directly to his school desk and commences to pack his suitcase)
Headmaster:
Ah, at last, my countryman, yet I know him not!
Terry (distracted):
Pardon?
Headmaster (indicating Terrys hat): Remove the means that makes us strangers!
Terry:
Me? What about you? Wearing a kilt. Youll have to excuse

me, Boss. Im clearing my desk out.
Headmaster:
Wonderful, wonderful, good. Well, Rosse
Terry:
No its Terry, mate.
Headmaster:
No, Rosse.
Terry:
Have you seen my Scotch?
Headmaster:
Scotch! Stand Scotchland where it did ?
Terry:
Scotch land?
Headmaster:
Yesssss! How does my wife?
Terry:
How does your wife what? Is this a riddle.?
Headmaster:
No! What news of my wife?
Terry:
You havent got a wife.
Headmaster (angrily):
Lady Macduff!
No! Is he still doing the play? Hasnt anybody told him about
the girls school? Id better break it to him gently. (adopting a
gross Scottish brogue) Ahh! Lady Macduff. Shes great,
great.
Headmaster (relieved that finally Terry is in character): And all my children?

Terry:
Ah, the wee bairns, theyre um (resuming a normal

voice) Oh, theyre alright really, but then kids are kids.
Headmaster:
The tyrant has not battered at their peace?

56
57
Terry (normal voice):
No, no. Its not McBeths fault, really. As she said, business
is business.
Headmaster:
She? Be not niggard in your speech, Rosse, how goes it?
Terry:
Well theres a bit of a rumour. Well, its more than a rumour.
Headmaster:
If it be mine, keep it not from me. Let me have it.
Terry;
Well, I dont want to be to one to tell you, Cliff.
Headmaster:
Macduff!
Terry:
Alright Macduff, but youll only get upset. Its not that bad,
honestly.
Headmaster:
Theres nothing? (he pirouettes)
Terry:
Well not exactly nothing, no. There is something wrong, but

not a lot.
Headmaster:
What?
Terry:
Well, remember your school?
Headmaster:
My castle, yes.
Terry:
Well its all over.
Headmaster:
All over? And what of my pretty chickens and their mother?
Terry:
Come on, Cliff, you dont keep chickens, do you?
Headmaster:
How goes my Lady?
Terry :
What lady?
Headmaster:
Lady Macduff.
Terry:
Lady Macduff! Shes gone.
(Headmaster dramatically drops to his knees in front of Terry, wrapping his arms around
Terrys leg this is his great dramatic moment)
Headmaster:
Gone! (weak voice) How did it happen?
Terry:
LBW
Headmaster (searching):
LBW? Umm, lost in Birnam Wood?
57
58
Terry:
No. Leg before wicket.

It was a beautiful ball that got her. She didnt want to go, but
she was dead in front.
Headmaster (still acting):
Dead! My Lady dead! Oh, that I could play the woman

with mine eyes.
How about a big hand for Dunsinanes last great
Headmaster? That was great Cliff youre a real trouper.

Headmaster:
I give up. No Im sorry Mr Hunt, I cant perform under these

conditions.
Terry:
Cliff, its been a long day. Come on mate. Sit down. Have a
cup of tea?
Headmaster:
A cup of tea?
Terry (points to the cauldron): Well, theres all this boiling water in the cauldron, seems
a shame to waste it.
Headmaster:
Terry, what about the audience!
Terry:
They had theirs at interval. Now how do you have it? White
with two?
Headmaster:
Terry, I dont want any tea.
Terry:
Of course you dont. Youll need something stronger when

you hear what Ive got to tell you. (he hands the Headmaster
the bottle of scotch) You know theyve sold the school, dont
you.
(Headmaster takes a large swig from the bottle)

Terry:
Dunsinane College is now Birnam Wood Ladies College.
(Headmaster takes another huge swig)

Terry:
Elstons the new Headmistress
(Headmaster takes another drink)

Terry:
Yep hes a woman ..it explains a few things doesnt it Cliff?

But the worst thing is, youve been fired and they havent
even told you.( another giant swig)
Terry:
But, you never liked it here anyway, did you?
Headmaster (drunkenly):
I hated it Terry. All those those bloody kids, I couldnt stand

them
58
59
Terry:
Yeah, I noticed. Well I suppose its our turn to leave now. Its
gonna be as hard for you as its gonna be for me. I mean,
youve never left school either; youve just been living out
the lives of your students. The successful ones that is, not the
failures. But then I suppose thats teaching, eh, Cliff? Just a
spectator sport.
Headmaster:
Terry, yknow it was the Board that caused most of the

trouble.
Terry (resigned):
I know.
Headmaster:
It was that Mr Hunt, always making me crawl. Watch this

mate.
(The Head who is very inebriated walks over to Mr Hunt, who cowers in his seat)
Headmaster:
Hey, Mr Hunt! You know your son Charles? Well mate, I

reckon hes a prick.
Terry (applauds him):
Well done Cliffy. Im proud of you, my old son.
(Terry hugs Cliff and walks off dejectedly)

Headmaster (calls out drunkedly): Good on you, Tezza. I really appreciate that, mate.
Youre one in a million, did you know that?
(to audience)
Out that door walks the spirit of youth. I used to have the
spirit of youth once, but I dont have it anymore Anyway,
stay where you are, I havent finished yet I want to get to
the bottom of this deception Are there anymore out there
whod like to profess their femininity?
(There is a long pause, suddenly Dopey steps forward and opens his coat, to reveal that his
wearing a mini skirt showing off his hairy masculine legs)
Dopey:
Right!
Headmaster:
Nice try Dopey! (Dopey looks disappointed)

If theres anyone else out there of the feminine persuasion, I
want them to reveal themselves, now!
(At this point every female on stage ,be they band or choir member, step forward and reveal
their gender)
Headmaster (shocked):
I am undone!
(The Headmaster, overcome, collapses into the cauldron. McBeth and Elston still dressed
as Lady Macbeth enter. Terry sees Cliffs predicament and returns to help him)
Terry:
What have they done to you, Cliff?

59
Headmaster:
60
Nothing, mate. Im just having a rest.
Terry (to Elston & McBeth)): Alright ladies youve won. Well leave.
Headmaster:
No, we wont! Not until weve sung the school song one
more time.
Terry:
Morrie! Sorry I meant, Marie. Would you mind singing the

school song for Cliff, one last time?
(Marie is about to respond when the Head interrupts)

Headmaster:
No, way. Id like you to sing it Terry.
Terry:
Me! Youre kidding?
Headmaster (pleads):
Please sing it for me mate. (to Elston) If thats alright with

you, your Highness.
Elston:
Of course he can you poor pathetic man!
(The Headmaster sits at the piano and play Terry steps forward to sing)
SONG: SCHOOL SONG
Terry:
WE HONOUR THE FLAG

OUR FATHERS AND MOTHERS
WE HONOUR THE LORD
OUR TEACHERS, OUR BROTHERS
WE ARE PROUD OF OUR SCHOOL
OF THAT WE CAN CLAIM
SO, LET US STAND UP
FOR BRAVE DUNSINANE
All:
BRAVE DUNSINANE
GODS DUNSINANE
WE LOVED OUR SCHOOL
AND WE LOVED OUR NAME
Terry:
THE END OF THE PLAY

THE DEATH OF MACBETH
THE END OF OUR SCHOOL
WHERE WILL WE GO?
WHAT WILL WE DO WITH TOMORROW?
(The chorus is sung like a round )
60

Men:
Elston & McBeth:
Men:
Elston & McBeth:
All:
WE WERE THE BOYS

THEY WERE THE BOYS
WE WERE THE BOYS
THEY WERE THE BOYS
WE WERE THE BOYS FROM OLD DUNSINANE
Headmaster:
THE END OF THE SCHOOL

AND MY CAREER
WHAT CAN I DO
ILL GO ON THE DOLE
THERES NOTHING FOR ME IN TOMORROW
61
(We were the boys chorus hummed under Terrys speech)

Terry:
Oi, I was the boy, me, Terry Shakespeare. I was the top bloke
at Dunsinane. Its all right for you all sitting there smiling.
What am I going to do with tomorrow? Ive got a couple of
kids to bring up. Dont sit there grinning at me madam, its
alright for you, youre gonna go home now, arent you and
say: Wasnt that a lovely play? But, where do I go? What
do I do with tomorrow?
Has anyone out there got a job for an old boy from
Dunsinane? I mean, I wouldnt ask for myself, its just Ive
got the boys to support and I suppose my dear departed wife
would expect something from me after thirty six years at
school.
I know things are hard right now, but Ill do anything, honest.
( he waits for an offer)
No one? Theres nothing at all?
(sarcastically)Thank youYoure too generous.
All:
THE END OF THE YEAR

THE END OF OUR LIVES
GOODBYE TO OUR SCHOOL
WHERE CAN WE HIDE
WHAT WILL WE DO WITH TOMORROW?
Men:
Elston & McBeth:
Men:
Elston & McBeth:
All:
WE WERE THE BOYS

THEY WERE THE BOYS
WE WERE THE BOYS
THEY WERE THE BOYS
WE WERE THE BOYS FROM OLD DUNSINANE
FINALE
(Terry stands with his sons on stage and defiantly delivers an aggressive rock version
of We were the boys)
BLACKOUT
61
62
ENCORE
Hope you all enjoyed the play. Be here next year, as you
know the girls will be doing, Whose afraid of Virginia Woolf.
Thank you and goodnight
(As Terry is exiting Elston enters, she is in a trance and still dressed as Lady Macbeth)
Elston :
The Thane of Fife had a wife. Where is she now? Will these
hands neer be clean?
Terry:
Elsie, its all over.
Elston:
Yes isnt it dear. Yet heres a spot. Out damned spot, out I
say.
SONG: SPOT SONG

Elston:
MACBETH HAD A DOG

YOUNG SPOT WAS HIS NAME
HIS MASTERS OWN PRIDE AND JOY
HE WAS NEVER THE SAME
WHEN MACBETH WENT AWAY
HE TRIED EVERY TRICK TO ANNOY
Terry & McBeth:
POOR LADY MACBETH

SHE HATED DAMN SPOT
SHE WANTED HIM PUT AWAY
COS HE PEED ON THE POT PLANTS
HE MURDERED THE LAWN
AND DROWNED THE FISH IN THE MOAT, THEY SAY
(The Headmaster in a Spot the dog costume enters and howls in harmony and acts out the
story)
Terry:
Everybody sing.
All:
OUT DAMNED SPOT

GET OUT, DAMN SPOT
LADY MACBETH WOULD SAY
HED JUST ROLL ON HIS BACK
AND PEE AT THE MOON
PASSING THE TIME OF DAY
Terry:
SHE TRIED CORKS IN HIS HMMMM

STUFFED CORKS UP HIS HMMMM
PUT A CORK IN HIS HMMMM AS WELL
SO HE WENT TO THE TOWER
AND HE STARTED TO DRINK
AND SPOTS STOMACH
JUST SWELLED AND SWELLED
62
63
(Spot exits, there is a huge explosion backstage and the dog mask lands on stage)
Elston:
NOW THERES SPOT ON THE CEILING

SPOT ON THE FLOOR
All:
SPOTS ON HER HANDS, THEY SAY

HOW COULD SHE KNOW
Elston:
How could I know?
All:
YOUNG SPOT WOULD EXPLODE

AND LEAVE HIS MARK ON THE CASTLE THAT DAY
(The Headmaster minus the dog mask, floats in like an apparition)

OH, IS HE IN HEAVEN, OR IS HE IN HELL
THE LADYS NOT GAME TO SAY
SHE WALKS IN HER SLEEP
AND WRITES LETTERS TO GOD
Elston:
Dear God!
SINCE POOR SPOT HE EXPLODED THAT DAY
All:
OUT DAMNED SPOT

GET OUT, DAMN SPOT
LADY MACBETH WOULD SAY
HED JUST ROLL ON HIS BACK
AND PEE AT THE MOON
PASSING THE TIME OF DAY
(Chorus segues into a reprise of Good Old Schoolboy Days)

YES, THEY WERE SUCH GOOD TIMES,
BRING THEM BACK, AND LETS RELIVE
OUR SCHOOLBOY,
GOOD OLD SCHOOLBOY DAYS,
IN THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOL BOY..
(Refrain of Gaudeamus Igitur. Cast march off singing a Capella We were the boys)
CURTAIN
63

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Boys Own McBeth

by Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett

1979/2003 Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett

This script is distributed by The Australian Script Centre

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Note on the script: This is an unedited

This script is distributed by the Australian Script Centre

Grahame Bond & Jim Burnett February 1979.Revised June 2003

Boys Own McBeth

By Grahame Bond and Jim Burnett

Grahame Bond & Jim Burnett February 1979.Revised June 2003

Boys Own McBeth

WE ARE THE BOYS (voices on echo)

Music is heard: Witches theme, in fugue.

SONG: FAIR IS FOUL

WE ARE THE WICKED WITCHES

S.S & Dopey:

THE REALLY WICKED WITCHES

I LEAD THE GANG THATS NUMBER ONE.

Terry,S.S & Dopey:

WERE KNOWN AS SHAKESPEARE AND HIS SONS.

When shall we three meet again,

WHEN THE HURLY-BURLYS DONE.

WHEN THE BATTLES LOST AND WON.

That will be ere the set of sun.

[Terry produces a small spherical bomb with a wick.]

Where the place to set the bomb?