Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Emotionally Healthy,
Albert Ellis, Ph. D.
with Sandra Moseley & Janet L.
Happy
Child
Wolfe
*^J*
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i
'M
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111: A'
1
m^rly
titled:
How
to
')
I
..^r^
He
ber of its Council of Representatives. He is a Fellow (and Past President) of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex; and a Fellow of the
American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors; the American
Orthopsychiatric Association, the American Sociological Association, the
American Association for Applied Anthropology, and the American Association for the
Advancement
of Science.
Association,
has
Dr. Ellis has served as Associate Editor of the Journal of Marriage and
the Family, the International Journal of Sexology, Existential Psychiatry,
the Journal of Sex Research, Rational Living, and Voices: The Art and
Science of Psychotherapy. He has published over three hundred and
fifty papers in psychological, psychiatric, and sociological journals and
anthologies. He has authored or edited thirty-one books and monographs, including Sex Without Guilt, How
o Live With A Neurotic,
The Art and Science of Love, A Guide to Rational Living, The Encyclopedia of Sexual Behavior, A Guide to Successfid Marriage, Reason and
Emotion in Psychotherapy, Homosexuality: Its Causes and Cure, How to
Raise an Emotionally Healthy, Happy Child, Is Objectivisjn a Religion?,
Murder and Assassination, Growth Through Reason, and Executive
Leadership: A Rational Approach.
Books by Albert
How
Ellis,
Ph.D.
Neurotic
The American Sexual Tragedy
The Art and Science of Love
Creative Marriage
Encyclopedia of Sexual Behavior
A Guide to Rational Living
Sex and the Single Man
Sex Without Guilt
Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy
TO Live with
and others
Raise An
Emotionally Healthy,
How to
Happy
Child
formerly
How
to
titled:
1978 EDITION
Published by
Melvin Powers
Printed by
Beverly
CO.
Box 1231
Hills,
California
90213
Copyright
Number: 66-26191
Contents
As Well As Made
1.
2.
What
3.
59
4.
83
5.
99
6.
123
7.
137
8.
157
9.
187
How
2ig
10.
Is
to
3
17
a Neurotic Child?
It
Bibliography
231
Index
243
2010
littp://www.archive.org/details/howtoraiseemotioOOelli
CHAPTER
/
As Well As Made
on
no drastic drop in the rate of neurosis in
our society seems to have been wrought since our grandmothers'
day. It is estimated that one out of four Americans seeks psychotherapy or counseling of one type or another each year; and this
In spite of the popularity of the scads of authoritative works
is
now
exist,
The most
who
4/
nificant eff"ects
and training do have some specific and sigon behavior in childhood, adolescence, and adult-
hood. But
is
The
this
strict instincts,
he has a great
many
to acquire
and
actively, directly,
themselves to
will probably be troubled for the rest of their days.
Peculiarly enough, although
for several years,
first
practiced psychoanalysis
my
psychological training
environment on human
/5
hypothesis,
differences.
When
theories
respect:
parent-child relationships
has been designed to consider one-way effects
the influence of
the mother on the child's behavior. The major reorientation required in our thinking is to accept the fact that the infant is a
Yarrow
reports
6/
Yarrow
and
way
the
in
which a child
portant, since
to a
few brush-offs. As a
result,
him
is
He makes
good ex-
life
pleasant
for him.
is
He
is
the child
from skates
to arithmetic.
Grownups and
who
stays
on the
side-
//
lines,
efforts to
have been evident in the first months of life. Most of the children
have retained their characteristic pattern as they have grown
older."
Related evidence shows that the old behavioral and psychoanalytic theories of how parents absolutely influence and determine the behavior of their children are sadly misleading. Thus,
according to psychoanalysis, babies who are weaned early from
their mothers' breasts and are forced to drink from a bottle or
much
infancy.
The concept
tion,
8/
early childhoods. In
No
significant
pressed sexuality.
On the other side of this same fence. Dr. Aaron Beck of Philadelphia has been intensively studying depressed patients for the
last several years,
and he
finds that
when
it
appears that these events were really minor upsets and frustrations, which the patients viewed as being terribly catastrophic,
and hence actually made traumatic. I have consistently found the
in my severely neurotic and borderline psychotic paFrequently, their early lives were no more traumatic than
those experienced by the rest of us, but they were apparently
predisposed, from birth onward, to interpret the common frus-
same thing
tients:
trations
They
as being catastrophic.
have experienced.
So much evidence of various kinds has been accumulating in
the last decade, indicating that environment is not all-important
in sensitizing the child to emotional upsets, that even such a
to
dyed-in-the-wool psychoanalyst as
cluded, just before his death, that
Edmund
it
is
changes
in the child's
/g
play his
own
reahstically
The mere
even a
specific
human
done about
lO/
is
over,
is
just as
Finally,
man
paratus,
and he
is
now beginning
getting
to
understand
able to modify
is
it.
He can
chromosomal
structure
and modify
his he-
redity directly.
(4) If man acknowledges his hereditary defects and disadvantages, he can then do much more to change his physical and
we
way
shall
can
"difficult
child"
umbilical cord
sensitivity
is
who
cut
cries
may
brilliant,
if
high-strung,
artist.
The
/ 11
withdrawn baby whose parents calmly accept his tendency toward shyness, and who do not insist that he be molded into a
bubbling, assertive youngster, may be helped to emerge into a
persevering scholar
who may
may do remarkably
who
full
good care of
do believe strongly
Murphy
in en-
points out,
by his own perceptual and conceptual tendencies, this environment also interacts importantly
with these tendencies, and in its turn helps modify them. Thus,
the child's environment
a child
may
is
filtered
at
each other; but their real anger may also tend to be unpleasing
to him, make him look for signs of its breaking out again, and
thereby help him interpret what are actually mild arguments as
great hostile outbursts.
An
heredity
ganized families. Dr. Malone found that the children he investigated "are reared by mothers
give
and
frustrate excessively;
overindulged and
infertilized.
who
ciety."
12/
was found
it
son.
is
in this
book apply
to children
from
made
cult to tell
For one
thing,
it
is
exceptionally
diffi-
first
four years
from
an adult standpoint, relatively bizarre and "childish" that it is
still too early to see very clearly whether he is headed in a truly
aberrant direction. There are certain modes of behavior, such as
autistic schizophrenia,
silently into a
world of
is,
at least
who
/13
fre-
soon outgrown.
By the same token, certain doings of children become problems only when the children have reached a sufficiently advanced
age. Bed-wetting, for example, is quite normal for three-yearolds. But when a six- or seven-year-old child is continually enuretic, it is obvious that he has a distinct problem.
Although very young children may display bizarre behavior
and may be
we
what
communicommunicate effec-
is
and
years of age,
it
become
others.
is difficult
Another point
is
five
how
that old.
that children,
age of
to tell
with other children and adults. At this age, their neurotic think-
much more
ing becomes
no
14/
There
is
ably younger. For they then can be persuaded rather than merely
conditioned to think and act more rationally, can become problem-solving rather than merely auto-suggestive individuals.
am
disturbed are to
ation
is
He can
then be shown
what his basic attitudes toward himself and others are, and he
can be taught how to change these attitudes for the better. Once
he begins to verbalize to himself his attitudes toward himself and
the world, the adults around him can effectively show him by their
teachings and their own behavior how to modify and improve his
internalized "philosophies" of life, so that he can become, while
still a child, much less neurotic, and so that he can grow into a
until the child learns to use language.
and how
in themselves
an
how
growth or maldevelopment. It
weaknesses of even
to be alert to the
irritable
differences
his
perpetual disappointments of
More
specifically, this
life.
book
will
to teach
/15
will indicate
CHAPTER
What
What
is
Is
a Neurotic Child?
a neurotic child?
if
an adult neurotic
is
question
child, naturally,
is
may
well be asked:
What
child doesn't?
childish.
intelligence
his mental age is still only nine; and at that age,
what human being would behave with consistent rationahty and
sanity?
Even
bright children,
we must
perienced in many essential ways. I am presently seeing for psychotherapy a remarkably sharp lass of twelve, who is far better
able to enter into philosophical discussions with me than is her
reasonably intelligent mother. But she knows hardly a thing
WHAT
l8/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
about sex, dieting, or social intercourse. So, naturally, she behaves very stupidly in these (and several other) areas. Is she,
then, truly neurotic or emotionally disturbed? Or is she mainly
(and, I hope, understandably) ignorant?
"But doesn't that depend on her behavior?" you ask. Yes, to
some extent
it
does.
And
is
execrable:
She continually masturbates in school; stuffs herself to a farethee-well during and in between meals; and is inordinately insulting to
many
other children.
For
lest
we
forget
a child; and children do almost routinely make false conclusions about themselves and the universe. That's the way their
she
is
thinking
apparatuses
are
constructed.
Maturation
(meaning,
chronological
age
emotional problems.
"Why,
then, are
you seeing
this twelve-year-old
enough
monster,
if
you
to merit psychotherapeu-
attention?"
Oh,
she was the victim of inexperience and ignorance. Actually, several sessions of
psychotherapy with
this
intolerance of others.
Much
WHAT
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
IS
must be
As
worthless.
is
/iQ
self
hostile
sources.
"Is neurosis, then, strictly a matter of attitude
may ask.
much so, say
and philosophy
of life?" you
Pretty
ally self-immolating
is
I.
way
It is
an
unrealistic,
a perfectionistic or grandiose
demand
It
Isn't
it
to be consistently
The disturbed
child
consistently, rigidly,
aren't the
way
much
like the
and bigotedly
sticks to his
way
fel-
The
WHAT
20/
IS
NEUROTIC CHILD?
normal child (or the normal but somewhat childish adult) someis reasonable about his demands
and sometimes is not.
but
bigots
is that it?"
the
real
neurotics
are
nothing
"So
beings
tend
to be born
that's
pretty
much
All
human
Yes,
it.
surprisingly
easily
and
that
they
very
and raised in such a manner
often act in a foolish, self-sabotaging, and socially inappropriate
way. They are therefore all, and this includes even the most
intelligent among us, genetically predisposed to be what we might
if
call "normal neurotics," or occasional self-destroyers. Thus
you would like some proof of this thesis just look around you.
How many people do you know who do not, at one time or another, overeat, oversmoke, overimbibe alcohol, or otherwise
abuse their health? And how many do not fairly regularly put
off their homework or other assignments until the very last minute, and consequently do them poorly; or do not stay too long
at a party, when they have faithfully promised themselves to get
to bed early that night; or do not cravenly go along with what
their friends or neighbors want them to do, instead of firmly
standing up for their own desires and interests? Incredibly few!
"True. But these 'normal neurotics' are not the bigots you
mentioned a few paragraphs back, are they?"
No, that's exactly the point. These ordinary, fallible, and there-
times
people are
still
or Hitlerian moralist
who
is
right
and
wrong is wrong and that there are no two ways about it. He is
what Eric Hoffer has termed a "true believer" one who absolutely and inalterably knows the Truth with a capital T, and who
WHAT
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
IS
and who
tory,
is
/2.1
a genius.
"I see
Yes; and
chotics.
so, I
rigid."
all
fail to
is
it's
almost as
if
all
of us
on innumer-
flexible,
they usually
resist!
problem of neurosis
training
in straight thinking?"
Definitely yes, in
later.
What
my way of
is
exactly
how
to treat
it.
"Fair enough.
take
it,
is
others;
reasons."
Exactly.
all
And
severely
that's the
neurotic,
way
it
is,
borderhne psychotic,
or
changeable, depending on
who
psychologist or a psychiatrist
is
outright
psy-
somewhat
inter-
WHAT
22/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
may
our society), he
call these
same people
for their
and penalized
in
sick or schizoid or
autistic or psychotic.
is
moderate manifestations of
left to his
own
upsettability,
well,
if
and
now
list
Self-depreciation
The vast majority of neurotics feel that they are quite worthless. They perfectionistically demand that they achieve mightily;
and many of them believe that they must do practically everything better than everyone else in the world. Consequently, they
spend
their time
to others;
they
them
may
in
they
and when
that others
may
surpass
WHAT
the
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
IS
main
outline in
in
my
/23
my
other writings
on rational-emotive
in
Psychotherapy and
therapy.
The
first
of
these
is
it
is
place
on them.
It is
may somehow
edit out
greatly loved
if
To
the
dren reared
at
tion
WHAT
2^/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
a requisite for mental health, and that the lack of it does not
automatically send each "deprived" youngster into the doldrums.
Common observation shows, however, that a minority of children are highly traumatized by almost any criticism or rejection
on the part of their peers or adult caretakers. These few are
supersensitive to even the slightest signs of withdrawal of affection or disapproval
and
inflexibly
on the part of
others;
total approbation.
one of
which are emphasized in rational-emotive psychotherapy: namely, the idea that one should be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving in all possible respects
if one is to consider oneself worth-while. If anything, this idea is
often more pernicious than the idea that the child needs to be
thoroughly approved by others in order to prove to himself his
own intrinsic value. For where it is quite possible, by fortunate
accident, for a youngster to have a set of parents, and perhaps
even some aunts, uncles, and grandparents, who continually dote
on him, and who consistently tell him that he is the greatest child
in the world, it is infinitely less likely that this same child will keep
proving himself to be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving. For it is the very nature of a young person, no matter how
similar group of youngsters dogmatically believes
may
television,
WHAT
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
IS
/25
dinately magnify
think
it
wrong
is
for
When
able.
a child recognizes
is
wrong
wrong
is
am
it
it is
wrong or bad
connection with
to give him the impression that al-
The prounoun
same act, is more likely
as the act
the
is.
"it,"
when used
is
in
as
WHAT
26/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
Strictly speaking,
indifferent,
of the evaluating
itself.
good
to bad:
measuring your
your performances,
will
self as
WHAT
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
IS
12-/
tive,
selj.
And,
finally,
because
on your deeds
and
sults
(that
is,
your
your performances almost always results in a
vicious circle: Because you blame yourself for poor achievement,
you lose confidence, perform badly, and then blame yourself
still more.
For many reasons such as these, it should be obvious that if
or even that he
a child insists that he achieve perfectly well
he will sooner or later end up by
consistently do pretty well
self-hate relatively poorly), evaluating
relatively well
selj in relation to
make
himself distinctly
and
his intrinsic
may
or
may
not have in
these areas. He is either a relatively adequate person who overconscientiously considers himself inadequate; or he is an ungifted
individual
who deems
himself a
bum. In
either case, he
is
unreal-
istically self-denigrating.
Low
It
Frustration Tolerance
disturbed child
of inadequacy,
is
to note, in
self-depreciating
and
seeming paradox
is
resolved
if
is
we understand
is
fre-
that feelings of
WHAT
28/
he will
same
coin.
and he
well,
a child
if
that he be
first insist
remarkably
For
is
some
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
respects,
different
King of the
will
IS
May and do
everything
is
utterly
own
stature.
much
right to the
as he has,
and that
rights.
Every child, moreover, seems to have a tendency toward anger, temper tantrums, and injustice-collecting. When something
goes wrong in his world, and particularly when other people treat
him badly, he tends to tell himself, first, a sane sentence, and
then an insane one. It is this second, insane, and invariably grandiose sentence that brings on his hostility toward the world
around him. The sane sentence that the child tells himself when
he is either fairly or unfairly frustrated is, "I don't like this situation; I wish it did not exist; and I hope it soon changes for the
better." Or: "I think your behavior toward me is unfair and
unethical, and I strongly hope that you quickly change it and
act more fairly in the future." These kinds of sane sentences
cause the child to experience feelings of frustration, annoyance,
irritation, or displeasure and in themselves lead to no unusual
difficulties.
when he
WHAT
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
/sg
They
"Because
usually to
this
which stems
erroneous perception that because things could be different, they should be different. He is essentially a little Hitler
and he either rules the world around him in a tyrannical manner
or (much more often!) makes himself completely miserable because his tyrannical demands are unheeded.
The stable and well-adjusted child, who keeps confronting
grim reality as he grows older, gradually learns to surrender his
grandiosity and to accept the fact that, although many frustrating things in life can be changed, many other things and people
are the way they are, and that is that. Consequently, when he is
seriously impeded from doing what he wants to do, or when he
of what psychologists call low frustration tolerance
from
is
his
much
tell
himself:
though
Most
hardly
all
disturbed children
WHAT
20/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
they think
view as
full
many
and
act shyly
when
they actually
mean
that
have not impelled themselves to do so and they withdraw even more. The usual vicious circle of anxiety leading to
inactivity, which in turn leads to more anxiety, which in turn
as yet they
leads to
more withdrawal,
is
then established.
become
depressed,
"dates" with
him up
critic,
One
calling
made some
very
lost
all interest in
WHAT
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
/si
who
liked
silly
girls
whom
all his
he
still
ad-
dating activities,
began to be attracted to rough boys, and made great strides toward adopting a homosexual absorption. As a result of several
months of intensive psychotherapy, in the course of which he
was shown that his fear of failure was leading him to withdraw
from the kinds of participation that he had previously enjoyed,
and during which he was convinced that the purpose of life is
full commitment and enjoyment rather than mere success, he
resumed his musical and his dating activities and seemed more
interested in them than he had previously been.
Children who are shy and withdrawn also tend to be supersensitive and oversuspicious. Believing that they are inadequate
and worthless, they project their own view of themselves onto
others and think that these others see them in an equally bad
light. Then, because of their false perceptions of how others
respond to them, they sometimes behave hostilely or poorly with
them and thus bring about a self-fulfilling prophecy, since the
others soon do see them in a negative fight. The usual vicious
Supersensitiveness, then,
is
one of
and
chotic child
nigh-perfect,
who
doesn't,
on some
it
is
level,
demand
that
he be
mistakes.
behave inefficiently,
and underachievingly. This is not because they are
innately stupid, since many of them are exceptionally bright
judging from results of intelligence tests and other reliable indices
of cognitive performance. Neurosis, in fact, I would define as
large percentage of neurotic children
stupidly,
WHAT
22,/
It
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
is incompetent.
Emotionally disturbed children frequently behave idiotically
because they are so terrorized at the thought of their failing at
some problem-solving task that they practically iorce themselves
to fail at it. They are obsessively absorbed, sometimes almost
every minute of the day, with the thought, "Wouldn't it be awful
if I did poorly!" that they leave themselves little time or energy
to concentrate on the task at hand and to do reasonably well on it.
Susan D., for example, a nine-year-old girl with a tested Intelligence Quotient of 133, did remarkably well in arithmetic, but
was failing most of her other subjects, largely because she read
very poorly and found it painful to do any kind of homework
except arithmetic. Her younger brother, William, was something
of a reading wizard, and was wading through stories and plays
during kindergarten. Susan, who had to excel at almost everything if she was going to permit herself to be happy, was perpetually petrified that she would not be able to keep her reading
pace up with William's. Consequently, whenever she did try to
read, she focused on anything but the subject matter of the material before her; she catastrophized mightily if she missed a word,
had to read a sentence over, or got the gist of what she was reading but took more time to do so than she thought she ought to
take. She therefore found reading increasingly painful, did less
and less of it, and fell behind in most of her studies.
Children like Susan seem to have an inborn need to be perfectionistic and to demand that they outdo practically all others
in virtually every possible field of endeavor. Sometimes, at great
good marks
cially in
some
on
in class
More
or on
often, espe-
their faces,
do much
worse than they are capable of doing, worry endlessly over doing
so poorly, and frequently "cop out" by giving up entirely on this
specialty.
and
as Dr. Robert A.
Harper and
in
emphasize
WHAT
in
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
Guide
/^^
part of healthy
human
mastery impulse
is
an
integral
almost impossible to lead a thoroughly ensome vital task with which to occupy
themselves a good deal of the time. Emotionally unhealthy children, on the other hand, often become so addicted to fear of
failure, and so convinced that they cannot possibly get anywhere
with their chosen goals, that they give up completely, loll around
day after day, and feel (and overtly tell anyone who wants to
hear) that they don't really know what they want to do and
in particular find
joyable
life
it
secret.
but
and
he
is
risky.
in
a form that
Thus, he
is
viewed as being
may daydream
much
less
some purcommiting
incessantly; or playact
when
WHAT
34/
or
become
NEUROTIC CHILD?
afraid he will
manage
IS
do poorly
at
when he
is
who
used tranvestism,
At the age of
six, he found that his parents and relatives considered it very
"cute" if he dressed as a girl and mimicked female manners in
an ostentatious way; so he continued this practice for a number
of years and gained a good deal of approval thereby. Immediately
after puberty, however, when he began to get sex kicks from
wearing girls' underwear, he became fetishistically attached to
child
but
kind of cross-dressing, and engaged in it constantly
while to others he gave the appearance of a rather
rough-and-tumble boy's boy. His new-found fetishistic devotion
to cross-dressing did not stem merely from its new connection
with sexual titillation but also from his semiconscious realization
that if he worked at getting this kind of thrill, he could take his
mind off his schoolwork, at which he was doing badly and for
which he appeared to have only a mediocre aptitude. He was so
concerned with being cock of the walk, and had had so much
prior experience successfully getting the center of attention, that
when his childish tricks no longer bore such good fruit, and he
this
then in secret
was expected to buckle down to more serious activities (including good grades, which his parents particularly began to emphasize), he felt that he couldn't face the outside world any longer.
In order to effectively keep from facing some of the adolescent,
academic, and other unpleasant realities that he was supposed to
tackle and conquer, he developed a secret form of transvestism
that led to immediate orgasmic pleasure, and he clung to it almost
since, like
for dear life. Ronald was a difficult patient to treat
most fetishists, he derived a great deal of direct, sensuous satisfaction from his escapist proclivity, and he was loathe to give
WHAT
this
up
fully
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
but when
was able
/35
him
to help
to accept himself
more
vidual.
Whether or not
this is so,
it is
certain that
many
children
They
many
instances,
especially
fellow
ment)
may
easily
be
his lot.
of milieu
excitement-seek-
WHAT
3^/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
and self-depreciations.
oriented state,
when
there
is
little
on
do
exist,
life
The prototype
ones
at that
is
in the classroom.
and refused
He
WHAT
IS
NEUROTIC CHILD?
/JJ
when he was
later placed
he ran out of class within fifteen minutes and
somehow found his way home across twenty city blocks; thereafter he only spent a day here and there, and no more than two
at a time, in the regular classroom. Tutored privately, he did well
in his academic work; and when allowed to play in his own neighborhood, he did manage to acquire a few friends and to get along
tolerably well with them. But the mere mention of his going to
school would throw him into a fit; he would raise such a fuss that
the idea would quickly have to be abandoned.
At first blush, John's school phobia appeared to be a specific
terror of going to school, since he seemed to get along in several
other aspects of life. However, having seen school phobiacs before, and having talked to them about their general attitudes
toward life, I suspected that John, like the others, might have a
generally fearful attitude to his environment; and that was exactly
what I soon found to be the case. He was exceptionally afraid of
making almost any mistake; of doing the wrong thing in front of
others; and of possibly being laughed at by those others. Moreover, he was afraid of numerous physical dangers: of being assaulted by other boys, of becoming ill, of cutting himself with a
in the first grade,
knife,
and the
The
like.
illusion of general
from the
fact that
on
several occasions
John saw
wasn't so bad.
Whenever either of
making a mistake
that
And
in this regard.
fields
WHAT
^/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
or different area.
Under
an unusually large area of a youngster's life, including a plethora of possible hazards. Almost from
the first day he attended school, John knew that he would have
to adjust himself to (a) going a distance to the school; (b) being
without his mother for a considerable period of the day; (c)
adjusting to his teacher; (d) doing the classroom work properly;
(e) making friends with a new batch of boys and girls; and so
on. If he had been presented with one of these problems at a
time, he might possibly have buckled down, sweated out his discomfort, and finally made his peace with each one in turn. But
he could see no possibility of successfully meeting all these great
"dangers" simultaneously. Consequently, he didn't want to stay
in school even for a single day; and he became so upset and
obstreperous that he managed to have his negative desires (impelled by his fears) realized.
is
John's case epitomizes the fact that certain children are enor-
mous
fret
catastrophizers
about.
Some do
who
so mutedly and
manage
to get
worry and
through the
normal happenings of
Most
much more
afraid
of various people, things, and events than are average adults. But
a minority of youngsters are pathologically afraid of innumerable
things or immensely afraid of a few; and these children have to
WHAT
IS
life if
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
/39
if
parents peace.
somewhat specialized form of anxiety is that involving indecision, doubt, and conflict. Because the disturbed child feels that
it would be the greatest sin in the world to make a blunder and
then to be roundly criticized for making it, he soon begins to
find it "easier" to put off making any major decisions. This is
which they renotably true when conditions are so arranged
peatedly are in the course of his
life
will
first
a pleasant day.
its
unfairness,
and
fret
and
grandiosity simply refuses to accept the fact that things are the
way
WHAT
40/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
he cannot handle any such choice and that he had better avoid
making decisions
in the future.
Usually, once the child reaches this stage of conflict and doubt,
more
thereby he
a result of
of
making
indecisive,
self-hating,
so on.
is
and one
that
is
highly
The
to
be
felt in
terms of the
when
his
parents, or beats
vinced that he
who
is
believes that he
is
a sinner
and
commonly
that there
is
is
con-
no possible
WHAT
IS
NEUROTIC CHILD?
/41
home
runs in a row.
is
is
If
likely to
Although
guilt is usually a
more
intense
spread in our society. The main reason for this probably is that
a child almost always has more control over his sins than his
incompetencies, and he can also set up better defenses in the case
of the former rather than in the case of the latter. Thus, if Jimmie
knows
that it is immoral for him to belt Willie, he has an excelchance of refraining from doing so, even when he is angry
at Willie. What is more, if he does haul off and sock Willie, he
can often invent some rationalization for doing so; e.g., Willie
really wanted to be socked; or he hit Willie in order to stop him
from abusing Annie; or he knows he was wrong in lambasting
Willie, but he just couldn't help himself that day, and will absolutely, positively not repeat this kind of immorality again.
In regard to shame about his incompetence, Jimmie is likely
to have a much harder time (a) preventing himself from being
lent
WHAT
42/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
do
can always say that he doesn't like figures; that Babe Ruth was
a poor mathematician; or that boys who do well in arithmetic
are sissies. But this kind of "sour grapes" defense is not especially
good or convincing; and underneath his rationalizations he may
still sense that he is truly deficient in important areas and that it
is highly inconvenient for him to have such deficiencies. Consequently, his feelings of shame may at best be temporarily shunted
aside, but they may consciously or unconsciously remain to smite
him.
Sandra had as
guilt as
little
any child
On
whenever there was even the slightest possibility of her bewould lean over backward to accuse herself. On
one occasion, when another girl copied some of her answers on
a class test, Sandra vehemently accused herself of being evil
because she did not go out of her way to prevent this girl from
seeing some of the answers on Sandra's paper. On another occasion, when her mother had asked her what she spent some of
her allowance on, and she had forgotten to include a bar of candy
in her expenditures for the day, she insisted that she was an
"awful liar" and contended that her lack of memory was entirely
fact,
unforgivable.
WHAT
IS
NEUROTIC CHILD?
/^^
her intelligence and physical competence, she could not premany ways.
As a
demands on
herself, she
was
conduct.
If Sandra competed with other children in various performance realms, she could always be bested by them, even though
she had a good deal of competence herself. But if she took a
holier-than-thou morahstic position and rigidly stuck to being a
goody-goody creature herself, the worst that could happen (and
that was unlikely) would be that some of her peers could equal
but never actually best her. So even when I convinced her that
she did not have to perform ideally in various areas of academic
and social achievement, she left herself the out of being able to
behave impeccably in the moral area, and thereby outdistance her
fellows.
Queenness of the
May was
WHAT
4^/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
become
so preoccupied with
how
wrong a given
Resentment and
act
is,
Hostility
Statistically speaking,
among
the
and
WHAT
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
/45
many
WHAT
^/
if
if
the
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
occur.
To
pleasure,
the
hostile
and unhealthy
has no right to exist. This is equivalent to his pigheadedly insisting, when he is displeased by any event, that the world must not
be the way that it palpably is. He has every right to contend, of
course, that if he is frustrated, there are many reasons why it
would
But it
is a far cry from his telling himself, "It would be better if you
stopped frustrating me and let me have my way," to "Therefore,
you must not do so." For the first sentence merely states the
truth, "I would like it if you stopped frustrating me"; the second
states a falsehood, "Because I would like it, you must desist."
Although there are many reasons why he would like your no
longer being frustrating, there are no known reasons why this
dislike should necessarily make you stop yourself from being the
way he would prefer you to be. A child must learn to accept the
fact that you may have very good reasons for frustrating him;
and, even if you don't, you have a right, as a fallible human
being, to be wrong or unfair, and need not be boiled in oil for
would be
better
if
It
be.
so being.
from a refusal to accept the facts of realfrom a grandiose notion that the world should be what a
child wants it to be; from a (false) conviction that condemning
human beings and severely punishing them for their annoying
behavior will invariably help them to be less annoying in the
future; and from the magical, absolutistic belief that the world
underlyingly is an exceptionally well-ordered, just place, and that
if things are temporarily out of kilter, they must soon be put to
rights again. Since human beings seem to be born with a pronounced tendency to think crookedly and irrationally about themselves and the world, and to make their wish that everything be
right father to the thought that it therefore must be, resentment
Hostility, then, stems
ity;
is
WHAT
IS
NEUROTIC CHILD?
/47
and
to expect
them
to
be
this
sane
is
if
they seldom
in itself unreal-
istic.
Many
when
when
they are
they are
much more
so,
and they
fall in
the distinctly
WHAT
^/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
type of person an "injustice collector.") Whatever the origand frequently such an original
cause cannot be accurately ascertained, but can only be reconstructed, largely in relation to the biased theory of the psycho-
trating him.
WHAT
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
/^g
to,
since
it
is
essentially
intolerable.
C,
that he kept
amassing against
his fellows.
Defensiveness
Children are more naive than adults, and because they tend
be self-punitive and unforgiving about anything that ails them,
quickly dart into defensive pathways when faced with the knowledge of their own inept or iniquitous behavior. What are some
to
of the
a.
common
Denial
Roland
is
actually a weak,
is
unable to com-
uniform
b.
in a football
Repression
Joan
is
WHAT
^O/
their presence.
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
IS
how
she has been getting along with her friends, she pushes out of consciousness the actual facts of her teasing behavior with them and
reports that she has been acting with great kindness, or perhaps
that they
have been teasing her but that she hasn't been reacting
own
behavior, for
did she would consider herself cruel and evil; and she
is
if
she
already
constrained to add to
this
less
c.
Rationalization
Dolores
learned
is
not unusually bright for her nine years, but she has
how be
which
to
a clever rationalizer.
she
immediately says that her younger brother pushed her into doing
it, or that she really did it right and that he then refixed it so
that it came out wrong, or that the standards by which her actions
are being judged wrong are themselves mistaken. She always has
some excuse for her own poor behavior which means, of
course, that she never really, in her own mind, does anything
poorly, but is always a victim of unfortunate circumstances. Underneath, of course, Dolores would be so pained and self-hating
by the admission that she had acted badly, that she could not
Projection
Johnny
is
a conceited child
who
thinks that he
knows
the an-
WHAT
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
/^l
much
own
it
is
adept
when
it
is
same time
so nearly aware
so determined to
keep himself from facing it, that he projects this trait onto others,
condemning them for being swell-headed, whether or not they
are.
He
is
effectively able to
considers to be a blameworthy
e.
trait,
Compensation
Georgene
is
little
and projection, which themand admitted by the perpetrator, are considered to be wrong
and even
wicked in our society, and which therefore have a good chance
of boomeranging on the child who employs them. Georgene,
however, rarely uses one of these poor or dangerous defenses;
instead, she almost invariably resorts to the "good" defense of
compensation. That is to say, when she finds that she is behaving
poorly in one area of her life, she quickly searches for another
area in which she can do well and mightily exerts herself to succeed in this compensatory area in order to impress others with
her prowess. Thus, she did not do too well in her schoolwork
and, after trying hard for a while in this area, has given up and
now copies most of her homework from others. But she spends a
great deal of time making herself up so that she will look beautiful; she goes shopping with her mother and looks for the prettiest
clothes; and she arranges interesting parties for the other children
she knows. As a result of this compensatory activity, Georgene
is a popular child and is thought by many of her peers and their
parents to be brighter and more competent than she is. She heras denial, repression, rationalization,
selves,
when brought
self
WHAT
52/
has
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
IS
becoming
she
is
really able in
whereas
in one
/.
One-upmanship
As Stephen
Potter has
shown with
brilliant
humor
in recent
energy in
demonstrating to others what miserable fools they are than he
does in doing anything constructive for himself. He reads widely
and has gathered a great fund of information, but he seems to
be intent mainly on using this information to show his friends
and relatives how supremely ignorant they are, and how they
are not in his intellectual class. He deludes himself that he will
someday put his knowledge to good effect by writing a great book.
But he reads unsystematically and erratically, never truly masters any subject, and does not try to organize his information
into any useful pattern. He is obsessed by a need to put others
down while he himself presumably seesaws upward, far beyond
their reach, but still within their awestruck vision. He is, therefore, largely motivated by power drives rather than by an intrinsic
is
a sharp fourteen-year-old
enjoyment of
his
knowledge-seeking
activity.
g. Identification
Linda considers
herself to be plain
and
dull,
somehow
trans-
WHAT
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
/^^
formed into their opposites. She has therefore made herself into
an avid movie addict and continually views, at the movie houses
or on TV, cinema productions that have, as their female protagonist, some beautiful and scintillating personality. She never
the autographs of her favorite stars, as
tries to get
somehow
that
coming
some of her
meet them
in
But
herself.
Tommy
her
own
is
in a
movie queen
h.
one
after another.
Transference
home
who
is
who
standoffish
is
not
and unen-
WHAT
5^/
IS
NEUROTIC CHILD?
him
father
/.
if
would
like to take
Resistance
and
is
fully believes
matter what truths are shown to her, as long as they are uncom-
own
somehow manages
fallibility,
it)
why
it
isn't
helping
resistant
WHAT
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
way
she
is.
/^^
/.
Reaction Formation
ashamed of having
niques of prevaricating and covering up these emotions, sometimes even going to the extreme of displaying opposite feelings.
Defensiveness
is
acts are especially so, since the nondefensive neurotic at least has
is
WHAT
56/
work
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
much
of seeing his true ideas and emotions and therefore almost certainly will not be able to work at changing them for the better.
The time and energy he expends denying and camouflaging his
consequently he
which
The
is
it
is
most
is
difficult to
in
at
escape.
the child fears most. If they, in turn, punish him, they put into
ment
and punish-
and
fear.
Compulsiveness
to be
withdrawn, under-
is,
Whenever she
Most of
worrier.
sure that
it
left
the apartment in
in a store,
WHAT
IS
NEUROTIC CHILD?
felt literally
/^J
again. Rosalind
little
room
own
to
become a
nor-
identity.
function well, and everyone thought she was a bit nutty. Her
cousin Oscar was equally compulsive but wisely chose more constructive goals for his compulsive efforts. He collected stamps,
theater
programs,
worked
at filling in
criticized her.
Summary
Childhood neurosis consists of stupid,
who
ineffectual, self-defeat-
capable of
world around him.
Emotionally disturbed children invariably have irrational ideas
which cause their immature and insecure feelings. These ideas include some form of absolutistic, perfectionistic shoulds, oughts,
ing behavior by a youngster
saner and
more
is
theoretically
would be nice
if
if
it
must
WHAT
^8/
IS
A NEUROTIC CHILD?
perform perfectly and that others should always treat them fairly
and sympathetically.
Once they take over from their parents, teachers, and other
educational sources these unrealistic ideas, and once they keep
indoctrinating themselves with these same falsehoods, children
indevelop a wide range of neurotic or psychotic symptoms
cluding self-depreciation, grandiosity, shyness and inhibition, underachievement and ineptness, anxiety and tenseness, resentment
and hostility, self-deceit and defensiveness, and compulsiveness.
It
is
not,
in
which
how
his neurosis
lies
symptom
is
not in
itself
the
What
latter
CHAPTER
3
Helping Children Overcome
Fears and Anxieties
human
felt
by animals, but
tween
it
his
produce
in
him
the
mood
is
The difference
seen as an abyss
be.
PODOLSKY
All children tend to have two major kinds of fears: (a) fears
of external things and events, such as animals, noises, the dark,
The
latter
we
fears of their
own
basic inade-
of fears to
Whereas
the so-called
Qo/
in a
more
is
is
is
intense manner.
He
excessively afraid.
which he
is
is
not merely
And
he often
of physical symptoms.
is
truly afraid
normally afraid of
harmless animal.
it
if
he hears
it
is
propensity to
selves
they can easily upset themselves because of the size of the ele-
that
If
it
is
known
come
/Ql
a special effort
these things.
(2) The
away from
easily
If his
grandparents happen to be unusually timid or panic-stricken individuals, he should not be allowed to see them except when
other adults, such as his parents, are present, who can stop these
fearful individuals from indoctrinating him with their own nonsense. Baby-sitters and other persons who are likely to have intimate contact with the child may sometimes have to be screened
carefully, or else only allowed to be with
him when
there
is
some
parental supervision.
(3)
many
If
possible
these
fears
own
62/
lots
fight
homes
manner. Yet,
in
some
of these
homes
the
who
therefore
grow up
wit-
unaware
So even highly
emotional
overconcerns to themselves and for the most part can refrain
from inflicting them on their offspring.
(4) Children who are unusually fearful of external events can
frequently be talked out of their fears if those who raise them
will reason with them in a patient, kindly, and persistent manner.
sedly
fearful parents
can make a
Fromme
Allan
there
is
to
no
he
harm
(5)
Blaming
the child or
/G^
place
is
in his
own
from the
fact that
he has
little
confidence
events. If he
is
he will be
ridiculed for
having such fears, he will usually feel even more inadequate and
consequently will often become still more fearful. This does not
mean that it is necessary for him to be shown that all his fears
are perfectly sane and that there is no reason why he should give
them up. On the contrary, he can definitely be taught that his
exaggerated fears are not sensible and that there are several good
reasons why he should forgo them. But objectively pointing out
the nonsensicalness of his fears is a far cry from deridingly observing that he is an idiot for having them. The child, we must
insist throughout this book, is not his performance; and no matter how idiotic the latter is, it presents no evidence that he is completely stupid, inept, or hopeless.
The
shown
that this fear is groundless; that he need not retain it; that
he will only harm himself if he does stick with it; that most other
children do not have it; that there is practically no possibility of
the feared object or event actually affecting him adversely; and
so on. But concomitantly, he should be shown that he has a
perfect right, as a human being, to be wrong; that he is not an
inferior being because he is mistaken; that his being overly fearful in one area does not prove that he cannot handle any other
area of life; and that he is not going to be singled out and pun-
64/
/6^
how they are being affected. Roger J., for examwas a seven-year-old boy who was deathly afraid of the
ocean, and who never went near the water when his parents took
him to the beach every day during the summer. He would say
that the water was too cold, or that he'd rather play in the sand,
or would make up other excuses; but, when pressed he would
admit that he just didn't like the ocean and was terribly afraid of
consciousness of
ple,
going into
I
it.
balls
he threw at them.
By making a
and catching it deeper and deeper in the water, and by thus luring Roger to concentrate on the ball rather than the water itself,
they induced him to enter the ocean a good many times. He
finally got so
used to entering
it
to begin
own
certainly
know
parent to
common
sense,
Even
if
is
and
may
self-protectiveness
be a sign of intelligence,
in itself
mean
severely disturbed.
is
no need
66/
the
become panicked. In
fact,
is
one of
because
and
interesting
when
may
to divert himself
If,
them and wants to stay away from them, take his "dislike" skeptically, and ask yourself whether he is using it as a cover-up for his
fears. If you think that he is fearful rather than disliking, but still
/Qj
assume
that he is fearalong the lines discussed above. It is preferable to help him to be conscious of anything he fears and to admit that he does fear it; but it is not
always necessary for him to make this kind of an admission in
order to help him overcome his dreads.
(10) If you, as the child's parent, have a fear of bugs, mice,
and
try to get
him
to
overcome
his fear,
visable that
it
is
naturally ad-
personal catastrophizing.
Not
that this
is
rid of
your
absolutely necessary,
68/
for a
it
few days.
mals or things.
Why? Because
and
is
that
is
more
one
be physically harmed by
it;
evi-
exists.)
J.
came inured to the sight of them. Before he knew it, he was fishing with worms himself
with his hooks at first baited by his
friend,
fishing,
/6q
if
teacher's question, or
if
he didn't
he knew
know
it
and
the right
answer to the
didn't say
it
with dis-
he was a most inadequate person, and all the other students had a perfect right to laugh at him. So he made himself
inconspicuous in class and managed rarely to be called on or to
give any but the briefest answers when he was called on. Because
he kept vehemently telling himself how awful it would be if he
spoke poorly in class, and because he actually did speak badly
most of the time, out of his very dread of doing so, Johnny never
tinction,
felt
fail-
experienced terror when he did fail at reciting. Then this "terrible" experience made him believe that his original premise was
correct. Actually, his feelings were creating further feelings,
which in turn were creating still further feehngs; and there were
no facts to back his rotating premises, even though he strongly
he believes that a dog will bite him and it doesn't, he will ultimately be tempted to change his hypothesis about it and its dangerousness. But if he believes that people don't like him when
they actually do, he may easily "see" them as hating him and will
If
70/
not give up his hypothesis about their attitudes toward him. Moreif a dog actually does bite him, he will probably discover
over,
that he
is
him he
will
actually
come
to
if
more
fearful of their
if
it
there
just
is
because he
exists,
because he
alive,
Can
this
So
When
try lo be,
on a thousand
different occasions,
tell
him
so.
more
But also
specific.
let
him
know
that
even
if
/jl
still
be a
The
is
or unethically but to
may
(or
may
of
( 1 )
consequently, he
is
all
is
a child
who
has simply
unusually
fallible
7V
differ-
ent goals from yours; and from the standpoint of these goals, his
is
much more
do
becomes
world.
The simple
By
suggests such
it
comments
rationale
and
For one
that
it
is
thing,
once a child
do not
/j^
like
him
whether his
dislike himbe punished for
Or
else,
he
may
his
J4/
child to learn
environment and
is
very
much
it
a certain manner,
stated, "It
of
human
that,
it is
if
he
is
exceptionally
accumulation of evidence that harmful changes in the environment before birth may cause faults of growth and development
exactly like those which have in the past been thought to be
due to heredity. This is a finding of great importance, which,
as will be seen, is exactly parallelled in psychology. It is to
be emphasized, however, that such findings in no way contradict theories of the
factors, except
human
on child
care,
made when
And one
Anna W. M.
and
is
reason
that the
the interaction
who
/j^
fits
of depression.
Beck has found, however, that some children have what may well
be an innate tendency to exaggerate the relatively minor slights
and hard knocks that life passes on to them; that they are predisposed to what Bergler, as I mentioned, calls "injustice collecting" (or what I, more comprehensively, prefer to call misery
amassing); and that therefore they turn up, when they are
adults, with long histories of early "traumas." There is much
reason to believe that practically all humans are dealt with fairly
harshly during their early (and later!) days; that most of us soon
come to accept the rank injustices and the inevitable annoyances
of social living; and that when someone presents a picture of an
unusually harsh early life, there is reason to suspect that part of
this "harshness," and often a considerable part, is the view this
individual takes toward his living, rather than the actual "awfulness" of the events of his existence, which a child less disposed
to this kind of thinking passes over and forgets.
In view of these propensities of the child to be born
as well
as to be raised
with a trouble-seeking mode of reacting to the
noxious stimuli that are almost certain to assault him during his
early (and later) existence, it is folly to believe that every youngster can be taught exactly what is the right thing for him to do
and that he can be kept entirely out of harm's way, emotionally
or physically. Certainly, his self-defeating and antisocial tendencies can be minimized, but there is no evidence that they can be
entirely eliminated.
(6) Try to keep in mind that the main reason for anyone's
anxiety is his dire need to be accepted, approved, or loved by all
the significant people in his
No, not
statistically,
life
and sometimes by
practically
Is there
7^/
obvious reason
if you stop to think about it
that needing
(rather than merely preferring) someone else's approbation means
that unless you have this need fulfilled, you are a failure. Even
*vhen you are finding the acceptance you think you need, you
have no guarantee that you will continue to win it, so you will
continue to be anxious.
little differently: If you require the approval of others
order to like and respect yourself, you will never really have
any stable self-esteem, for needing others essentially means not
Stated a
in
you would
therefore,
raise
maximum
feelings of self-worth,
ing
up a
There
is,
own inadequacy
in bring-
who
as several researchers
itive relationship
his child.
try to
make him
inor-
him (a)
that
when he apparently
you
doesn't.
/jj
(b) that he, supposedly, can't stand to live without others' favors
when
much
as he
happy
life
if
if
not perhaps to
he can.
says! Teach him, as we have just
by your own example. Point out
to him that you, or someone else you know, or some famous person (Richard Wagner, for example) somehow managed to get
by and be productive and creative even though others didn't uniformly like him, and many probably wished him dead. And teach
him logically, philosophically, and empirically, that being loved
is not necessary (though it is often greatly enjoyable), that it
cannot be consistently achieved by virtually anyone, and that its
lack still leaves a whale of a lot of sheer pleasure and vital absorbing interest in one's life. How do you teach him these things?
The same way that you teach him not to run in front of cars, to
do his homework properly, and to get along reasonably well with
his peers, and by letting him, by a plenitude of trials and errors,
see for himself that the things you are pointing out are true.
Which means
exactly what
noted, by example
it
especially
jS/
anxious about what other people think of him? Yes and no;
is no unequivocal answer to this question.
we
First, let us consider the yes side. Disturbed children
must again insist are either biologically predisposed to be the
way they are, or else they have been strongly conditioned to be
ribly
unfortunately there
way by
that
early influences.
Or
pressure
may
is
well balk,
up
entirely,
into a
who
rest of
/jQ
contemporary wrongdoing. But do, quite defiyou and society consider certain acts muddleheaded, self-defeating, or immoral, and make clear that you
intend to do your best, calmly and without mayhem, to persuade
them to desist from such acts. If this kind of firmness, with appropriate penalties (but not malicious punishments), does not work,
then you will know that you really have a disturbed child on your
hands, and more serious measures, including psychotherapy for
the child and/or you may have to be tried.
(9) Just as you should suspect any severe antisocial tendencies on the part of a child as being indicative of possible emotional disturbance, so should you be wary of the overly good
behavior of any youngster. Children tend naturally to be Httle
demons, especially when they are males. Therefore if they do not
get into any mischief but act with complete benevolence, they
may well be overinhibited and anxious, and their overpoliteness is
not to be greeted with total enthusiasm. It is most convenient for
you when a child is so afraid of losing yours and others' approval
that he hardly ever expresses himself and is therefore the soul of
"niceness." But such behavior may not in the least be convenient
for the child himself
who may have all kinds of assertive feelings which he continually bottles up out of his dire love needs.
Even the child who is "naturally" nonassertive and has no
trouble whatever in holding back his aggressive feelings, for the
simple reason that he is rarely beset by such feelings, is not necessarily healthy. He may have exceptionally httle native drive
and may, unless something is done about his condition, be
their lives for their
nitely,
show them
that
becomes second nature for a homosexual to feel sexpresence of a woman, although originally he may have
had quite powerful heterosexual drives. It is almost incredible how
"successfully" an individual can train himself, usually quite unto
consciously, to go from one extreme of "feeling" to another
just as
it
less in the
make
(to his
own way
become
8o/
him
on
asserting, thinking,
is
just that
Show
to
him
the bene-
on
what others think he should be.
Studies have shown the dependent child to be far less inclined
to engage in risk-taking activities, thus doing himself the additional disservice of depriving himself of new challenges and new
contacts. With an overly inhibited child, persistent encouragement to activity is in order. Since he beUeves the results would
be terrible if he spoke up in a crowd, or refused to do someone
else's bidding, or got into a little mischief, and since he never or
rarely actually risks doing any of these things, he has little or
no feedback to convince him that his imagined terror has no reality, and that he might, in fact, enjoy doing many or most of the
things of which he is so afraid.
Gently, firmly, if you can, push him. Get him among a group
of his peers and encourage, almost force him, to speak up about
something that you know perfectly well he is capable of discussing. If you find that he always does his best friend's bidding, see
if you can persuade him, at least on a few occasions, to stand up
for what he wants to do and not yield to what his friend wants.
Of course, it would be unwise to become overenthusiastic in this
regard. You don't try to teach anyone to have courage by having
him jump over a cHff and hang by a limb. By the same token,
don't try to teach an inhibited child to express himself more freely
by fighting with the biggest bully in the neighborhood.
(10) Once a child becomes anxious about almost anything.
fits
the notion of
/8l
he generally has an inborn and socially acquired tendency to beupset and self-depreciating about being anxious. For anxiety is an unpleasant, inadequacy-creating feeling, and, like many
other such feelings in our society, it tends to be socially disapproved. In fact, some of the worst worries of many of my patients
is that they will feel and behave so insecurely that their friends
come
and associates
Children
this
tendency
The
become more
terror-
symptoms, which encourage more anxiety, which in turn produces still worse symptoms.
What is to be done if a child is thus afflicted? First of all, he
his worry
should be helped to see that his secondary problem
about going to school because he will be asked to recite and will
stammer when he recites is a fairly common problem among
other children, and even among adults. He should not be left to
feel that he, and only he, has this difficulty, but should be shown
that worrying about a nervous symptom is almost universal and
that
ing fashion.
that
Hi/
own
inferiority feelings.
By
real-
(while fear
One
may
special
failure.
will deal
CHAPTER
4
Helping Children with
Problems of Achievement
"I
of ambition
people.
self-defeating
Everybody wanted
ambition
to
the tremendous
which
amount
saw among
to
be
to be
No.
1,
of the world."
Brian Moore
more than
in
any
other sphere, the parent must attack not only his child's irrational
thinking but that of a whole society.
The undeniably
TV
large impact
and movies on millions of people has resulted in the communication of a set of aspirations for the good life, not only in
materiahstic but in personality terms as well. The "good" prosper, win wealth and fame, while the "bad" perish, are punished,
of
or suffer their
own
self-imposed feelings of
guilt.
84/
fall
victim
needs for efficiency, to demands that they perform exactly as expected, and to condemnations when they fail.
Too often the child's performances and achievements are viewed
to their parents'
brings reprisals based on the parents' feeling of guilt that they are
somehow
on
the basis of
he
is.
for
who
site.
way
Suppose, by
in arithmetic
/S^
TV listening or
read-
may have
math
tion, his
Why? Because
self,
demand, or an
unrealistic expecta-
in fact
and
much
his entire
in
more, he may
simultaneously tend to become a worse rather than a better arith-
What
is
do well
at
There
is little
of achieving;
become
HELPING CHILDREN WITH PROBLEMS OF ACHIEVEMENT
86/
abandons
actually
all efforts,
transferring
most of
his energies to
Prescott
that
if
a child
who
fails
couple of arithmetic tests uses this past performance as unassailable evidence that he cannot do arithmetic, and then defines himself permanently as someone who will never be able to do arith-
abandon
metic, he will
And
even
if
he often
tests,
all efforts.
still
feels the
enormous strain
same abandoning of
the
all effort.
To
needs.
wit:
show him
many
exam
achieve-
game
is
good
his arith-
metic
is
can
still
if
game may
exhilarating.
Teach your
(2)
and
that there
is
/S/
practice,
and
still
more
practice
to
field.
harmful for you to couch this praise in terms of his being a better
person as it is for you to criticize him in such terms. Thus, if
Ronnie gets a 97 on his history exam, tell him, "You did very
well
on
that test
You
of his being
the
(4)
Teach your
is
great
as long as
performance and not to self. Most fine artists are dissatisfied with their imperfect performances; so they keep changing, revising, reconsidering, and redoing, sometimes through
many tedious versions of a work, until they put it aside as finit
relates to
ished.
Even
it
years later
and make more changes. This is great; and relatively few masterpieces would exist without this kind of perfectionism.
Perfectionism as applied to the
self,
however,
is
radically dif-
ferent.
HELPING CHILDREN WITH PROBLEMS OF ACHIEVEMENT
88/
mine
just
what
or rate them.
all his
What
is
parts are,
more, his
self
or his being
is
to
measure
a process
Is
it
really sensible to
/8q
measure
it
at all?
in the attempt.
(5) Try to get your child to see that achievement and popuhardly the same; in some respects, indeed, they are
almost opposites. What the public acclaims in the way of the
larity are
performing or creative
and
superficial.
deem
Your
to
be
child,
be a
fine
praiseworthy.
(6)
Do
child's
preferences for
The fact that he wants, and even wants very much, to produce works of profound artistic, scientific, or even commercial
merit is all to the good; but a strong desire is still not a need.
When a child needs to succeed at something, he really means that
if he doesn't attain his chosen goal he will view his failure as
catastrophic
and that usually means that he will see himself as
a Failure with a capital F. Theoretically, his enormous need to
excel will drive him forward in such an energetic manner that
he will be aided thereby. Actually, it will frequently impel him
to become panicked at the mere thought that he may not perform
outstandingly; and he will soon find himself dilly-dallying about
working, giving himself excuses not to continue to work, and
eventually (at least in some cases) spending most of his time
worrying rather than working. Even when his needs do encourage him to work, they will tend to drive him to do so in such a
frenetic, anxious way that his activity will be impaired and he
will not by any means be truly focusing on doing the best job
that he can do. Rather, he will insist that he must do the best
job that anyone can do; and this distracting thought may thoroughly sabotage his best goal-seeking.
(7) Teach your child to take his mistakes with equanimity,
and in some respects even to welcome them, instead of to excoriate himself for making them. Human beings, for the most part,
needs.
^/
and
learn by trial
error;
from
it.
And why
life
consists of
its
nonpredictability
of seeing
and discovering
will succeed at something or fall flat on your face.
No matter: Even if it were thoroughly desirable that you be infallible, you simply are not going to be. Only angels are flawless
and there are no angels.
Your child, then, should not be protected from mistake-makwhether you
whether you
will live
up
to certain challenges
/q1
"frivolous" behavior.
He
and
if
any of
his
acquaintances
^/
Others or needlessly
him
that
himself to be better-than-thou.
As might be
was very
expected,
I at first
got
me
my
to
be?"
I tried
to explain to
Eugene
that
didn't care
what way he
as he
/93
who do
to individuals
who
traits,
and
that the
mem-
bers of the former group deserve to live while those in the latter
group
really deserve to
be annihilated.
much
of the word,
democracy
had
certainly
why he had to
good reasons why he
reason
(and,
if
its
them
this right,
Eugene over
it;
was no
that there
necessary, as "weak")
unless he gave
and
deficiencies
ardently advocate
him
as they
wanted
to be,
and
that
Without trying
him
to
win
to see the
many
sameness.
He
still
we kept discussing.
What a change soon transpired
topics
in
reading to
me
excerpts from
94/
/g^
and
has
somehow managed
Seeing
this,
96/
ing and absorbing. It consists, rather, of your giving an exaggerated significance to events, and particularly to negative events,
that may or do occur. The more, therefore, you are able to laugh
at yourself
and
others, in a kindly
status-seeking, the
more you
and the
life
you
way
that
is
fairly
devoid of
down your
rueful, pessimistic
view of
lead.
achievement.
can get to the best level of performance of which he, personally, is capable, the better off he is. For
doing well at various tasks provides an intrinsic enjoyment that is
large, the closer that a child
it
/p/
your child
will
CHAPTER
5
Helping Children
Overcome
Hostility
is
quite in-
dependent of thought?"
No, not exactly. It is true, of course, that in infants as well as
in lower animals, who apparently have little or no ability to converse with themselves, manifestations of anger will "automatically" flow from frustration or physical pain. Obviously, however, even infants or children must view frustration or pain as
noxious. For if it were seen as pleasant (as is occasionally true,
HELPING CHILDREN OVERCOME HOSTILITY
lOO/
for example,
when
a young child
is
though
it is
it
is
if
the child
is
confined to his
say, he is
^eels
self
is
a child; and
itself,
it
is
his dis-
which makes
him angry.
Gerald A. was a well-built nine-year-old of average intelligence who persistently threw temper tantrums whenever he was
tired
or deprived,
into
more
fights
with other
slight
for
/ lOl
vinced his parents, his teachers, and his physician that there was
something radically wrong with Gerald's physiological responsiveness, and the solution finally decided upon was to keep him
under fairly heavy dosages of Dilantin and other sedatives most
of the time. But even medication did not seem to help very much.
I
was
main
difficulties
other
found that
Gerald was madly in love with his teacher, a charming woman
who had three children of her own and who apparently knew
how to get on the best side of most of her pupils. For her, he
would do almost anything; and if she deprived him of something
or pointed out his failings, he took her actions with the best of
grace; while if anyone else, including his long-suffering parents,
balked him in almost any way, he became enormously resentful
and
easy:
rebellious.
This dramatic splitting of his behavior made me highly suspicious that Gerald was hardly reacting to inner physiological
little further probing
impulses when he became temper ridden.
showed me what was actually going on with this youngster. He
believed that practically everyone in the world existed solely for
the purpose of doing his bidding and making things easy for him
and that when anyone acted otherwise, this person deserved instantly to be put in his place and made to feel miserable. After
way
to
make
102/
most people, especially his parents, feel weak and upset was to
throw a fit of temper, and absolutely refuse to be appeased until
they had given him his way, Gerald began practicing his epileptic-like fits, and sometimes quite consciously (and at other times
unconsciously and semiautomatically) threw himself into them,
in order to control the behavior of those around him and to make
sure that they did not balk him.
I saw him, he was getting rather sick of
tantrums himself and was a little ashamed of being forced to
resort to them at his age
since he thought that they were only
appropriate for children two or three years younger than he. But
he had not as yet figured out any satisfactory substitutive behavior and, therefore, was still resorting to them. When I showed
him that he could usually get what he wanted in life by taking a
calmer and firmer stand, and that he could thereby eliminate the
disadvantages of his terribly angry actions, Gerald was more than
willing to try other methods of coping with the world around
him. In a few months he was able to become as discipHned outside of class as he had previously trained himself to be (because
of his feelings for his teacher) during the classroom activities.
My experience with Gerald taught me to be duly skeptical of
the spontaneous "physiological" reactions of other hostile children. Not that anger reactions, themselves, aren't part of human
physiology, for they certainly are. Once the child (or adult) upsets himself about virtually anything, his nervous system tends to
take over, and from there on in he may resort to kicking, biting,
rolling on the floor, and other kinds of physical acts over which
he has practically no control, and which literally "run away" with
him. What is more, neurological circuits are often set up in this
process which are self-perpetuating: so that anger leads to physi-
his
which in its turn incites the child to greater feelwhich in their turn result in more lashing out, and
so on and so forth, in an almost endless chain, until the point of
physical exhaustion is finally reached, and the vicious circle
cal lashing out,
ings of anger,
finally halts.
/103
is
terrible; therefore,
he becomes pan-
diflEicult
for
easily diverted
psychotic in the
scream.
Just as soon, however, as the child
become almost
is
words
he emotes after the first few years of Hfe,
he does so almost exclusively because he has first told himself
some definite sentence or meanings such as, "I very much like
this" or, "I hate that!" and his "emotions" almost entirely consist of the sensory and other physical "feehngs" that result from
reactions to things
and sentences.
When
There
is
a great deal of
clinical,
which shows
that children
104/
and tends
to feed
on
itself,
itself in
There are also several ways in which the child (or anyone else)
can try to evaporate his anger by expressing it fully, e.g., blowing off steam, telling off the persons at whom he is angry, socking
a pillow and pretending that it is someone he despises, having a
temper tantrum, etc. Though these expressive methods often work
better than the suppressive ones, they are
still
paUiative rather
to
children,
/105
when
It
often takes
106/
trary
if
when he must be
the
same
truly unnecessary,
tion.
So
it
is
have
to
many
/ lOJ
may
fits
of anger
when
when they
it is
well
may become
suddenly
irritable
When
and
nasty,
and
suitable steps
fatigue, a cold, or
he
may appear
to
you
to
108/
Tommy
made
his
it
own
better."
/lOQ
that expressions or
normal and even healthy. If anything, it is the value systems behind these expressions that bear investigation and possible correction. Thus, if a child firmly believes that other children should
do his bidding and that it is thoroughly awful if they don't, he
will be compulsively and almost inevitably hostile to other children on numerous occasions. If he held this basic value system
and were not often angry, that would indeed be miraculous
and we would then have to suspect that he actually was, underneath, very angry, but that he was somehow squelching or repressing
his
Sooner or
anger,
to
display
it.
The
no/
of telling others
off,
As an
verbahze
his anger
such terms
as "Bruce must feel terribly inadequate if he has to try to prove
his strength by beating everybody up," get him to understand the
reasons for someone else's annoying conduct. In addition, you
might calmly explain the possible consequences of attempted retaliation, and how its alternative
calmly accepting Bruce's bul-
alternative,
to
it
in
is
really the
mere
lution. Listen
least upsetting.
As
is
its
often
disso-
is
a very effective
one.
The important
it is
self is
producing
point
is,
who
his
in other words, to
is
Bruce
ward
to
if
be
(i.e.,
that he shouldn't
way we would
us,
And
like
them
tility
and
that he can
Not very
easily!
For he likes
him to act
he
is
do something
in certain
ways
and
that, there-
effective
Johnny.
good things
He may
in life,
let
neglecting to
fell on
book fall.
add that he
the
that he
makes
the
But if something
nasty happens, then he frequently wants no part whatever in its
sun
rise
it
to rise.
because he
even condemn himself,
causation
Once
the child
is
realizes that he
if
he
shown
is
/ill
is
going to be blamed, or
that he
is
shown how to diminish and eradicate it. Thus, you can demonstrate to him
that his anger
a thousand times, if necessary
from the sane belief, "I don't Uke this thing that is happening to me," and the mistaken belief, "and therefore, I can't
stand it, and demand that it shouldn't happen!" And you can
persistently, firmly encourage him to contradict and challenge
arises
this
wrong
belief.
in the
she
is
right,
and
is."
"Oh, she
is,
all right!
"O.K. So
just as
"To
to
let
she's
much
her,
And
that's putting
it
you-know-what, too!"
a pain in the you-know-what,
too.
of a pain yourself."
you mean?
am
not!"
the
way
I persisted.
"Me?" Hilda
fairly
to
you
that's
much
worse."
112/
way you
"That's the
see
it,
it
You
do."
"How? How do
I do anything to me?"
"Simply by taking her seriously. If she actually does tell you,
at least ten times every meal, that you should wash your hands,
then I'll admit that she's highly annoying
a real pain in the
neck. But by taking her annoyingness, and frantically insisting to
yourself that she shouldn't be annoying, you are multiplying her
original pain-in-the-neckism by about ten times. Which, come to
think of
it,
is
to
wash
your hands, and you're telling you ten times too much that she
shouldn't be a pain in the neck
which means that you are making yourself suffer about ten times as much as you have to."
"But you do admit that she's annoying, don't you?"
"Oh, yes, I'm accepting your story that you don't like her telling you to wash your hands so often, and that it's unnecessary
for her to do this, and that therefore she's needlessly annoying to
you. I don't expect you to say to yourself, 'Good-goody! Mother's
"
teUing me to wash my hands all the time. Isn't that great!'
"Well, I'm certainly glad that you don't expect me to think
that!"
"No,
But
don't.
'How can
a two-year-old,
you
to
me
is
keep whining,
to
wash
my
like
hands,
shouldn't be acting
if
she
weren't?"
"Why
/li;^
"Why, everyone would say so. Everyone who really knew the
way she was, at least."
"Oh, no. You mean everyone might agree with you that she
was wrong to tell you ten times each meal to wash your hands.
But not everyone would agree that she shouldn't be wrong.
wrong; it's a pain in the neck if they are. But that's the way it is:
sad and a pain in the neck. And that's the way the whole world
is:
full
of people
who make
when
mistakes.
in fact they
I still
see
most certainly
no reason why
are."
do!"
"
don't
"Don't
way
tell
have a right to
tell
them
wrong?"
"Yes, you certainly do.
You have
'I
don't like
114/
wrong, and demands utterly and absolutely that she stop being
wrong,"
"But shouldn't everyone agree with me?"
"Why should they? It would be nice, again, if they did; but
that hardly means that they will. And even if you and everyone
else in the world agreed that your mother was wrong and that she
should stop asking you to wash your hands so many times before
each meal, will all your agreements make her stop?"
"No, not necessarily, I guess."
"But that's just the point. You're demanding that you and the
universe should necessarily stop your mother; and you have no
way
of enforcing that
"Am I demanding
"Aren't you?
wash
my
demand."
that she necessarily stop?"
When you
hands,' don't
tively, necessarily
you
keep asking
really
mean
me
to
shouldn't?"
it
that way.
Maybe
you're right.
"Think about it, and you'll see that I am right and that you
demanding that just because you want something to be, it
which is just like saying that because you want
should exist
school to close for a week, it should."
"No, not exactly. No matter how much I want school to close
for a week, I know that it won't. But my mother could stop acting
the way she does, and there's a much better chance that she will
are
could. But
much
of a greater chance?
Of
course, she
your
means
And
all
the
money
have;
you were starving and needed all my money to eat with, it then would be better
if I gave you all my money (for you, at least, though not necessarily for me); but that's still hardly a reason why I absolutely,
without any argument, should."
that
should.
even
if
/ll^
belief
about
it."
"Hmmm."
I didn't
And
to
be taken. But
shown
that injustice or
annoyance alone
is
(6) At times, it is wise to let a child get his anger out of his
system. This particularly goes for very young children, or for
those who are not too bright, or for those who are exceptionally
seriously disturbed.
causing their
Il6/
letting
his
him express
it,
since
you
these
up and
stick
them
into your
be hurt by
own
heart.
You may
well be
your child
is
if
for
doing
If
ciety.
As
usual,
example.
If
/llj
strue this to be a
it
himself. If
and these others from being injured (just as it is your responsifrom being harmed). So if you actually
go around taking out your anger on me, your little brother, or
any other child, I will have to stop you by force, if necessary.
This does not mean that I will then think you are really a bad
boy and that I don't love you at all. Your getting angry like this
is not at all lovable, but the rest of your behavior is all right.
Besides, though you may show this kind of unpleasant anger
today, I know that you do not always get angry, and that you
may be very pleasant tomorrow. So I am not condemning you
as a whole, and I do not think that you have to condemn yourself
and I shall have to
for doing this wrong thing. But you can
learn to do fewer wrong things like this,
insist that you must
and to become less physically angry. Otherwise, you will have
to be penaHzed for hitting others, just as your blows penalize
and take it out on a pillow or somethem. So watch your step
Secondly, by your actions, you can literally show the child that
you are calmly penalizing him when he strikes out at others and
that you are not as angry and hating as he himself is. Immediately after penalizing him for his reprehensible physical acts, you
can show him approval, acceptance, and even reward for other
kinds of behavior and thereby convince him that you do not
consider him unworthy as a human being. Moreover, you can
help him be kind to himself after you have restricted him from
harming others thus showing him that you think him a person
Il8/
who
who
is
(8)
When
there
is
when
it is too late to start interpreting and arguyou can frequently use some kind of diversion
as an effective means of calming him down. If you induce him to
be quite active to run an errand or play ball he may not have
the available energies to devote to hostility. If you get him absorbed in a game, in eating, in watching a TV show, or in some
child's anger, or
ing
him out of
it,
other activity, he
may become
what he
is
angry about.
If
amount of unfairness
is
inevitable in
life,
you should therefore teach your children that this is so, and you
should not be too surprised when they are specifically treated
unfairly
even by you. Moreover, they do have the possibility
trying to eliminate
first
some of
/llQ
themselves, or by choosing
avoid consistently unjust people) and of then gracefully lumping that injustice which they cannot eliminate. It is likely that,
by becoming involved in the workings of human failings, they
(by, for
example, being
fair to others
to
become,
One
less on "flagrant"
and more tolerant.
injus-
of the
or envy of others.
give
The
point
is
from
his
And
may
be deprived
or disad-
by
him that, alas, all men are not created equal, that
many social and economic inequities do exist, and that he nonetheless can live happily in a competitive world where he will
vantaged.
this belief
pointing out to
often be a loser
as everyone
is
many
him
times in his
life.
it
say nothing at
it
is
all
someday acquiring similar advantages, too. Even if Juck's attributes make him the captain of the ball team, and your child is
thereby deprived of being captain himself, this hardly means that
(a) your child
is
120/
will hate
why he
he
should have all the advantages that Jack has, nor why
no good if he misses out on some of these.
Jealousy and envy generally are rooted in the fact that the
is
amount to anything
because the persons of whom he is jealous have benefits that he
misses, or that the world is horribly unjust for depriving him of
their advantages. Both these propositions are false; and you can
consistently show your child, if he is afflicted with these negative
feelings, that they are falsely based, and can keep demonstrating
that he is worthy of existing and worthy of enjoying himself even
if others have certain superior attributes and even if he is rela-
tively deprived.
Summing up: Many children have little toleration for frustraThey demand to be king of the roost and they demand that
tion.
When
actual frustration
up
resentful
toward
make
themselves
and
it
the world and hostile toward other people. Their anger seems to
stem from their frustration, but it actually rises from their unrealistic demand that they should not be balked or mistreated. When
occurs, they view
with
it
these children are quite young, not too bright, or seriously dis-
selves;
and
try to get
them
to challenge
/ 121
is
it
to be,
CHAPTER
6
Helping Children Become
Self-Disciplined
impressions
we
.
in short,
rather than
and
rebels
to organize his
responses."
A. Gregg
The main thing a child is not is self-disciplined. He is a born
dawdler, goofer, and short-range hedonist. This does not go, of
course, for all children, any more than anything is true of all of
them. There are some youngsters who naturally seem to like following sensible routines, keeping themselves and their premises
in order,
how
this
and putting
But
category
Would
Not
that disciphne
is
necessarily a virtue in
itself.
In some
12,4/
on what
will
happen
to
them
in the future.
They keep
save practically
all
their
their pos-
spending
money, walk along a street making sure that they do (or do not)
touch lines on the sidewalk, and otherwise compulsively adhere
to senseless, self-imposed rules that needlessly restrict them and
render them entirely unspontaneous. Children like these are
overly fearful and demand absolute certainty. They have become
sociahzed, but at the price of overdependence, lack of initiative,
By
means, then, be permissive and allow the child to exmany fascinating aspects of his existence romping in
the woods on a picnic, exploring the treasures of the local drug
all
plore the
him do
as
many
/ 12^
spoon on a
but
not as
glass.
many
Let
things
but these should be minimal and critical. Such rules as not crossing the street in traffic will protect the child and his friends from
harm. And if he does not obey these rules, there should be precise
and invariant
The
penalties.
one of deciding
behavior should be drawn, then,
secondly, of deciding how to deal with transgressions. As Mary
Fisher Langmuir has pointed out, when parents ask "How can I
discipline my child?" they generally mean, "How can I make him
critical issue in discipUne, then, is first
where the
limits of desirable
"How can
or
I get him to do what I want him to do
do?" Too often, disciphne becomes erratic because it is geared to a parent's mood rather than to his child's age,
temperament, abilities, or the harmfulness of his misbehavior.
Lamentably, there can be no easy set of guidelines by which the
parent can automatically decide when discipline is in order. He
must only remember to make his rules clear and consistent. In
general, children should not be allowed to be tyrants to themselves or to blackmail others into acceding to their whims. They
should have definite bedtime hours; be required to eat on a certain schedule, if that is most convenient to their parents; go regularly and on time to school; obey a minimal set of rules about
keeping the house in order and the furniture in one piece; and
otherwise conform to the normal set modes of behavior that are
necessary for cooperative family and social hving. If they are
firmly and calmly told "this is it, that's the way things are," and
there is no nonsense or caviUng about it, they will usually develop
stop?" or
what he ought
to
and become
social-
ized animals.
Remember, however, that there are vast differences in temperament among children, which are frequently evident even in
their cradles. A child who is clearly supersensitive must often be
indulged in the same kind of behavior which in a more relaxed,
easygoing child would definitely not be tolerated. A case in point
is one easily riled patient of eleven whose mother must remain
126/
social living
demands a
it
/ 12J
should be
made
per-
But
at
other times
given too
it
of behavior
may
and
lash out
slap her
The world
is
Whining pays.
(2)
and that therefore he must always be anxious lest he undo the wrong thing. (3) His mother is a beast who
condemns one minute and rewards the next. (4) Lashing out at
the world when one is frustrated (as Mother has just done) is
an acceptable way of handhng occurrences not exactly to one's
stand,
wittingly
hking.
parent, feel
many
if
128/
The
fact remains,
to let
him
miserable for days, while still calmly insisting that, like it or not,
he is going to have to sleep by himself or walk home from school.
If days and days of continued discipline of this sort simply do
not work at all, and the child continually becomes terribly upset
when you stick by your discipUnary guns, then he may be an
autistic or otherwise seriously disturbed individual
who
simply
cannot follow the usual rules, in which case you may have to treat
him differently. But don't give in too quickly or too easily on this
score: At least nine out of ten "difficult" children are partly the
product of spoiling and too easily intimidated parents; and consequently you'd better look into your own heart before you assume that your child needs unusual pampering.
This is as good a point as any in this chapter to repeat, once
again, the point that we have to keep making throughout this
book, namely, that raising a sane and well-balanced child is
largely a matter of raising a sane and well-balanced self. For you
must usually be the main model for your child and this goes in
the realm of discipline as in practically all other fields of behavior.
Let's look for a moment at you, then. Are you something like
Mrs. v., an exceptionally well-meaning mother who just couldn't
bear to see her son, Michael, screaming until he got hoarse every
night when she tried to get him to bed before 11:00 p.m., and
who therefore let him stay up as long as he liked? Most of Mrs.
V.'s friends and neighbors thought that she was a remarkably
kindly, loving mother, for she seemed to have few thoughts other
than those regarding seven-year-old Michael, and the two of them
appeared to have a truly warm, mutually interdependent relation-
ship.
/ 12g
She dreaded her mother's pointing out her mistakes to her, and
she dressed, shopped, and cooked mainly to conform to her
mother's views. She had only one woman friend, to whom she
kowtowed in the most nauseating manner, and to whom she never
fully expressed her own views. And she was enormously afraid
that her own son, Michael, would not love her, and gave in to
his every whim, to make certain that he, at least, remained on
her side.
was disordered
in
her
own
So
it
discipline. It
tling
of forcing
him
who weakly
own
is
often an outcome of
their
him
point contends
injuring
On
who became
many
and pro-
ductive parents
able to live
up
to the fine
HELPING CHILDREN BECOME SELF-DISCIPLINED
IQO/
Self-discipline
or long-range hedonism,
therefore,
must be
own
good, and not as a means to impress or to suris difficult to do, since it is a child's nature to
go for immediate gains and short-range hedonism, he must learn
self,
for his
"reality principle"
it
the other
that the
prior causes
The
child
nothing
if
happen again.
And
as long as we
good, not bad
that he must, for his own sake, exert a good measure
of self-discipline. For he wants to be free from physical ills, wants
to get along well with others, wants to avoid trouble in school.
And he can only accomplish these goals if he eats well, considers
the feehngs of others, and obeys certain educational rules. We,
that
to
is
show him
naturally,
would
like
him
it
is
to
pline himself.
if
you want
becoming a psychotherthere
is no other way
happiness and success other than
to avoid his
a Httle later on
no magic, no pathway
/131
to
that there
tasies,
fiction
dreams, Hollywood
never
in real
life.
films, novels,
The grim
and
fact
is
plays.
But only
in
no
fairies, genies,
in
his
an ultrapermissive manner
own
creativity,
at
1:^2/
ceremonies. But they sometimes go to extremes and accept discipline, or its ritualistic symbols, as ends in themselves, to be
practiced because they
make
is
highly dubious,
in various sensible
ways.
Teach your
if
rules to his
/l^;^
on
the
to yourself!
How
about making the punishment fit the crime, and using the
firmness of your hand as well as the firmness of your mind to
convince your child that he simply must be disciplined? When
we ask this question, we immediately run into the controversy
that still exists among experts about spanking. On one side, we
have authorities who insist that under no circumstances should
you use the rod, even at the expense of slightly spoiUng the child,
because children invariably interpret spanking or other forms of
corporal punishment as meaning that their parents are angry at
them and hate them; and if so, the corrective value of spanking
brings with it too many enormous disadvantages, and is just not
worth it. On the other side, we have equally respected authorities
insisting that spanking is harmless, that children are often relieved
by being physically mauled for their misdeeds, and that as a deterrent to future wrongdoings and lack of discipline spanking is
quite efficacious. Which of these views is correct?
Neither
belief
is
is
that spanking
My own
( 1 )
It is
a rare
124/
and there
is
no
telling
well as to
On
make
ment of a
it
by
( 1 )
this
Some
children seem
kind of disciplining,
Some
parents
are not very adept at talking their children into better behavior
and can say more with a single blow than they can with a thousand words. (3) Spanking is a dramatic form of penalizing that
sometimes is more emphatically remembered than other forms of
penalty. If you deprive a child of his allowance or of seeing television when he behaves poorly, he may soon forget the onerousness of this kind of deprivation or
may become
inured to
it.
If
real
penalties
more
may
/i;^^
Do
it
will
work
fife,
stated, penalization
courager, but
i;^/
is
to follow
cipline a logical
havior.
A final word: No matter how effective your technique of teachmay be, it still is essentially imposed from without,
and your child must make an almost magical jump so that he
teaches himself ^'^//-discipline, or control from within. This is
why you should not give him rote rules to follow, threaten him
with censure by others, or use external pressure and penalization
to any considerable degree. The object is not merely to socialize
him, so that he will not bother you and others, but to train him
ing discipline
child.
pendently thinking instead of a dependently suggestible self-controller. By using some of the more democratic and interpretive
means outHned in this chapter, you are most likely to achieve that
child-rearing goal.
CHAPTER
Sex Problems
his followers
do
have sex urges and problems and that the improper handling of
these urges and problems frequently helps them to become neurotic adults. Along with this truth, unfortunately, the Freudians
have also intertwined a significant lie or gross exaggeration, to
wit, that all children have enormously significant sex lives and
that all their early sexual experiences greatly influence the rest of
their lives.
1^8/
Studies
many
that
his associates
is
is
and
is
not at
all
children do have sex lives long before they reach the age of
At
the
same
seem
to be
all
and
want
to
/239
with
that
is,
his
manage
an addiction
to acquire a
common
to oral-genital relations.
psychoanalytic views.
I^O/
but because they are able, at the age of six or so, to become
active and independent than they ever were before,
and hence become absorbed in many nonsexual activities which
were previously not available to them. Sex, in comparison, takes
a back place in their lives
at least until the onset of puberty.
it,
much more
When
puberty
is
reached,
many
not seem to follow classical Freudian-hypothesized patterns. Instead of most of them entering a pronounced homosexual phase,
Granted that the orthodox Freudian theory of childhood sexmuch to be desired, the fact remains that children
often have clear-cut sex problems. If their parents do not help
them concretely with their conflicts in this area, both early and
uality leaves
later
main
Masturbation Problems
/l^I
two
many
different periods:
children, masturbation
first,
when
is
when
it is
concentrated in
is
to
when
Whereas
is
doing
so.
it
is
is
rejected
by
others, or
when he
when he
feels
is little
batory activities
feel
a sex
urge.
It should be noted in this respect that all kinds of nonsexual
excitement can induce the individual, quite automatically and
spontaneously, to become sexually aroused. When a boy, for
example, is in the midst of a difficult test at school, and he is
afraid that he is not going to answer the questions properly, he
may
suddenly notice that he is sexually excited. Then, just because he notices this excitement and becomes concerned about
it, he may become sexually aroused again when he is in a similar
142/
situation
itself, this
time, but
by
it.
his fear
In conse-
may be
quence, he
or
when he
is
fearful.
may
lead to further
compulsive masturbation.
Masturbation, in other words, tends to become a problem
when it is done for nonsexual reasons, and particularly when
there are guilt, anxiety, depression, or other negative emotions
connected with it. If it is engaged in because the individual is
trying to withdraw generally from life and its supposed dangers
or to avoid other forms of sex (such as heterosexual petting or
intercourse) because they appear to be too difficult to learn, then
/ 142
or because he
Charlene
J.,
is
psychologically upset.
a ten-year-old
girl I
me
and often
Both her parents and the child's physician felt that she might
well do herself some neurophysiological damage by this persistent
masturbation; and although I doubted this, I did think her compulsive sex acts warranted investigation. While talking with Charlene I soon discovered that she was very jealous of her fifteenyear-old sister, who engaged in a goodly amount of petting with
boys, and who apparently went out of her way to tell Charlene
how delightful it was to have them pet her. Charlene, who considered herself much less good-looking than her sister, and who
also thought that it was terribly unfair that she was too young to
be able to get boy friends as yet, felt exceptionally inadequate and
desperately searched for a way of compensating for her "terrible"
handicaps. She therefore devised what she called a "self-petting"
routine and tried to outdo her sister by giving herself the kind
of stimulation the older girl achieved with boys. Moreover, since
much of her sister's petting took place at parties, on park
benches, in parked cars, and other semipublic places, Charlene
thought it quite appropriate for her "self-petting" to be done in
equivalent public view.
harm
had them
order to vie
in
many
in regard to
her jealousy and was able to show her that her worth as a person
did not depend on competing successfully with her
sister,
nor on
being more grownup than she actually was, and she was able to
accept herself without these qualifications and to stop her public
244/
own
is
un-
able to relate to other children. These possible causes of his upsetness should be probed and appropriate measures should be
taken to rectify them.
Some
or acts. In
may be
three-and-a-
around.
Such activities are usually normal, just as are such evidences of children's natural curiosity as throwing stones in the
water to watch the rings, or pulling a flower apart to see how it is
made. Doctor-nurse games are often beginning efforts at sex-role
identification, children's attempts to imitate familiar adults' be-
by
his
Children of
they
all
is
game
becomes
"dirty
words"
toilet
and sex
talk.
way
in
which
and the
like
were handled by
their
own
/145
parents, have
become ob-
sessed with the topics these parents' attitudes have suggested were
taboo. The result is huddles behind the garage where sex "knowlis passed down
edge" most of it fantasized and erroneous
from the little "expert" to his awed playmate; or mischievously
case,
some
likely
move
child
its
an
is
gentle
and
in so
its
life
the
doing prevent
relegation to
alien,
body
is
often
difficult.
Even
in
guilt
homes where
is
handled with gentle, unemotional firmness, the moralists and sexhaters, and the rules of society (such as the fact that a child must
close the door when he urinates and button his pants when he's
through) militate against his having complete sex trust. The child
must frequently be given a double-barreled kind of teaching
that is to say, taught on the one hand that sex is perfectly proper,
but on the other hand that many people in our society do not
deem it to be proper and that therefore he must watch his step
when in the presence of these people. This, of course, is an attitude similar to that which we teach children about religion;
namely, that our own religion (or lack thereof) is fine, but then
one does not necessarily go around converting others to it, and
instead is discreet about various aspects of it because of the obvious religious prejudices that exist in almost all communities.
So with sex. You may teach your child, if you wish, that there
is nothing dirty about sex, and that it is all right for him to keep
the door open when he goes to the bathroom to urinate. But at
1^6/
the very
let
be horrified if he urinated in
that he does in his own. These others, you can explain to him, are
quite probably wrong about their puritanical sex views; but they
have a right to their own wrong opinions; and if he is to get along
satisfactorily in the world, he has to honor their right to have
these opinions.
An
is
that of Joe
Both seemed
to
have
of
To
/ l^J
own child does not become highly obon the one hand, or woefully underinformed
about it, on the other hand, you might well remember (and teach
him) that private and public behavior are often much different:
as when we eat with our fingers at home, but not necessarily the
same way in a public restaurant. From an ideal standpoint, this
may not be too good, since honesty is a fine trait, and perhaps it
would be better if all of us honestly acted the same way in public
as we do in a more private setting. But the fact remains that soinsure that your
is
phasis
or
on
less frigid.
In treating
many
fixed homosexuals, I
l^S/
they'd better stay
away from
all
This, under pain of such teachings, they frequently try to do. But
if they are sexually normal, they have powerful unsatisfied urges
and often will experiment with homosexual participations. Since
they have only been taught not to engage in sex with girls, they
frequently enter into homosexual affairs with relative open-mindedness, find that interhuman sexuality is more satisfactory than
self-stimulation, and become addicted to homosexuality.
This is particularly true when, in addition to having a lack of
sex knowledge, a boy is raised with the idea that he has to compete mightily for the prettiest and most personable girl available.
As he grows into adolescence, a boy so indoctrinated often becomes terribly afraid of failing in the heterosexual rat-race and
finds excuses to withdraw from the possibility of being rejected
by girls. If he then finds that certain other boys, some of them
older than he, are spontaneously attracted to him and willing to
go out of their way to woo him, he may find this kind of game
much less difficult than heterosexual courtship and may be eased
then,
fixed or exclusive
/149
Most of the major sex problems that afflict children and that
groundwork for their developing into sexually neurotic
adults are not specific symptoms or deviations, such as compul-
lay the
sive
Exceptionally few children, for example, are plagued with problems of impotence or frigidity. In fact, the more sexually anes-
a child
get along
is,
in
especially
if
you
tell
place.
babies,
Or
he
if
may
later
associate
it
pleasure.
It is
Director
150/
of the Sex Information
States
(SIECUS), emphasizes
it
something in which parents can express their love for each other
from the time of marriage until they die. It is something mothers
and fathers have between them that underlies the continuing marriage relationship." I quite agree. But what Dr. Calderone rather
inhibitedly fails to add is that young people, in this day and age,
should also be taught that w/imarried couples also delightfully
engage in sex, that they need not beget children in so doing, and
that knowing the facts of life includes a realistic acceptance of
the incidence and the potential goodness (as well as the actual
dangers) of premarital sex relations. To teach a child, that sex is
or should be limited only to marital relations is as puritanical as
teaching him, as in the old days, that it is solely for purposes of
is
procreation.
is
and
still
it
is
rare.
in the
guage
at first
though
not, as
/l^l
Bob Lardine
salient facts
tively
human
and unemotionally,
just as other
information
is
normally
him the facts of life in a dispassionate, informative manyou should think seriously of having some friend, teacher,
physician, psychologist, or other trained person educate him in
this respect. If you decide to give the information yourself
which is probably the best procedure in most cases you should
be well read and otherwise informed in this area.
giving
ner,
Regarding your own sex education, you can gain from penumber of books such as Hugo Beigel's Sex from A
to Z, the Kinsey group's Sexual Behavior in the Human Female,
Warren Johnson's Human Sex and Sex Education, William H.
Masters and Virginia Johnson's Human Sexual Response, my own
Art and Science of Love, and The Encyclopedia of Sexual Behavior which I edited with Albert Abarbanel. Walter Stokes
points out that "it is of the greatest importance that both parents
should share all of the reading and should be ready to discuss
it with the child if he has questions. In such discussion, parents
should not pose as all-wise oracles. They should acknowledge ignorance or uncertainty when such is the case and should prepare
the child to cope with the great diversity of views about sex that
he will encounter as he grows up."
Do your best to provide a climate in which the child can feel
free to pose his questions on sex. This means that you'd better
curb your inclination to grab him and drag him into the house in
horror when you catch him playing with his female cousin's genirusing a
tals in the
when he
en-
is
know
but
you have
first
that sex
is
As Bettelheim
suggests,
to learn
if it's
enjoyable or not."
HELPING CHILDREN WITH SEX PROBLEMS
1^2/
for
such as swimming in the nude in public pools. But draw the line
uncondemningly! Make it crystal-clear to your youngster that
even his sexual exhibitionism or homosexual behavior does not
mean that he is a bad person. Preventing a child's (and later, his
adult) compulsive sexuality will be most effectively ensured by
your policy of being nonjudgmental by your cahnly explaining
to him why playing with Sherry's genitals is not the best way to
learn about sex and by your providing a suitable alternative for
satisfying his curiosity. (Haim Ginott suggests, "Ask us about
Susie; but no undressing!") Down-to-earth explanations of procreation, menstruation, and other sex issues are a far better insurance of later sex (and general emotional) health than making a
highly charged deal out of a child's activities. Such to-dos have
often backfired by causing guilt and shame or an obsessive preoccupation with the very facts of life that parents were trying
to suppress.
If
a child
happen
is
in the area of
masturbation
as
may
tional philosophies.
The
child
who
is
who must
whim
grati-
and further
behavior
all
the
rejected.
more
And
frantically.
thus he performs
Or he
feels
he
is
/ 1^^
moral prohibition.
Don't,
at
your
if
in
and
J5V
was taught that sex was only for procreation, that even the most
minor forms of petting might well lead to pregnancy, and that
practically all sex terms were dirty. Although quite an attractive
girl, she shied away from dating boys and could not even stand
most other girls because they were always talking about dating,
love, and marriage. When she was fourteen she met a seventeenyear-old girl, Dora, who seemed to share many of her own puritanical views; and before long, they were intimately and almost
exclusively sharing their various pursuits.
was
By
sixteen, she
affair
When
found
little
seventeen, and
and entered
Although
(much
was
whom
she married at
clear to
when
me (when
husband
psychotherapy) that neither her nor her sister's sexual aberrations stemmed wholly from their extreme forms of sex education,
since there were several other nonsexual causes involved in their
severe emotional difficulties,
was
ordered
lives.
This
is
usually true:
and
in this, as in so
is
likely
many
of sexually
other aspects of
human
living,
is
/155
two extremes.
final word: Proper sex education
mean between
either of
is
emotional education, or education for living. The object of teaching your child the facts of human sexuality is not merely to make
him sexually guiltless and proficient, but to help him be generally
self-accepting and competent to face life. If he truly likes himself
and is able to direct his own existence, the chances are that he
will discover what is sexually good for him, even if you do not
specifically demonstrate very much in this respect; while if he
he is worthless and undeserving of happiness, all the
sex information in the world will probably be used miserably by
him. Likewise, if he is able to master his general anxieties, he
will probably be able to master fears surrounding sex.
This is not to say that you should not give your child adequate
sex data, since good intentions plus ignorance can still pave his
feels that
road to
hell.
But the
enough;
his attitudes
toward
serve as
successfully
embedded.
No
to
or
Your job
is to accept these "mistakes" with understandinform your child fully and objectively on sex matters,
and never be remiss in giving him or her a direct answer to sexual
questions. Will you thereby be a perfect sex educator? By no
manner or means! But at least you'll be doing your best to approximate sanity in an area that is presently remarkably lacking
ried hfe.
ing, try to
in
common
sense.
CHAPTER
8
Helping Children with
Conduct Problems
Most of
the neurotic
symptoms
that
we have been
discussing
whom
self,
many
instances.
is emotionally disturbed and resorts
because of his disturbance, he immediately impinges
on the rights of others and these others almost invariably take
an exceptionally dim view of his problem. Instead of seeing him
as an emotionally upset child, they concentrate mainly on his
symptom; and since this symptom is unpleasant and antisocial,
they tend to condemn him roundly for displaying it.
In truth, what parents automatically construe to be maliciously
If,
to stealing
1$8/
antisocial behavior
more
tendency to selfishness
where
is
When two
it
is
Not taking
that
the
it
is
wrong
And
to play, create,
is
a bewildered
and be inventive.
volitional or unwitting,
why
become
increasingly self-blaming,
aberrated.
Let us examine some of the specific problems that these children often display, to see how you can understand and counter
them if they should ever arise in connection with your own child.
Lying
Practically
all
all
adults)
lie at
one time
Why? For
They are frequently punished if they tell the truth; they can get away with
things they don't want to do by lying; they can make themselves
tion.
"superior" to others by boasting of deeds that they have not performed; they wish so heartily that certain things would occur that
they actually see them, in their mind's eye, as occurring; they are
afraid to admit their mistakes, for fear that they would be despicable
if
None
in
theory,
better
which they
solutions in
many
tell
/ l^g
instances.
There
are,
himself.
most farfetched
telling the
of lying.
many
defeatingly or pathologically
well he did in
no such
occasions
lie. If
Jimmy,
when
children
self-
how
an essay contest
contest, or
palpably avoiding facing reality, and is showing that he has a dire need to impress people with his nonexistent
prowess. If Sandi tells her parents that she is doing her homework
regularly, when actually she practically never does it, and is falling further and further behind in class, she is not merely cleverly
avoiding some onerous work, but is probably seriously avoiding
the contest, he
is
will
soon be
l6o/
work. For Jimmy, in all probability, will be found out in his lies
about the essay contest or about similar things which he boasts
about having done when he clearly has not done them; and then
he will actually sink lower in other people's eyes, when his whole
intent, through lying, is to have them think better of him. And
Sandi will probably not be able to get away with her maneuvering, and will either have to catch up on her homework all at once,
or be forced to take the subjects she is avoiding all over again
and then have to do more work than she would have to do if she
had stopped her nonsense and buckled down to the work.
The first thing to note, therefore, if your child is engaged in
pathological lying, is that his behavior is aberrant just because
it is self-defeating and not because it is simply dishonest. Since
this form of lying is already handicapping your child, it is foolish
for you to take a moralistic attitude toward it and attempt to
penalize the child even more. It is far wiser, in most instances,
if you try to understand the source of the lying
the philosophic
assumptions which the child holds that drive him to lie. And
again
search yourself and determine to what extent you may
have been responsible for implicitly planting those philosophies.
These sources, as usual, are the same as those behind other
kinds of emotional disturbances, namely, the two basic irrational
ideas: (1) that the child must do things perfectly well and be
acclaimed for his performances; and (2) that he simply cannot
tolerate frustrating situations or difficult tasks, and should not
have to put up with them. If, instead of attacking the child and
his lying, you forthrightly but kindly attempt to tackle the irrational ideas that impel him to lie, you will have a good chance of
helping him.
Thus, you can show Jimmy that even though you know that
there was no essay contest in school, or that he did poorly in the
one that was held, you still like him as a person, and would like
to help him do better when the next contest is held, you will be
on the road to convincing him that he does not have to be the
best essayist alive in order to win yours and others' approval. And
if you show him that you can respect and help him even though
you know that he is lying, you may particularly persuade him
and
/l6l
still
in the world,
lovable.
On
the
other hand,
if
next time.
if
quite understandable
why
where
in hfe,
and
more
disbenefits than
you are
really
On
if
if
she
guilt at
Sandi and condemn her thoroughly for lying about the homework, she may become angry, rebellious, and highly defensive,
never admit to herself that she is goofing, and use her resentment
against you as a beautiful alibi to keep goofing.
Calmly accept, then, your child's lying. Determine whether it
is done for sane or crazy reasons. If the former is true, ignore it.
If the latter is true, you may still be wise to ignore the lies themselves,
but to
get,
instead,
at
Or you can
bring the
lies to
the atten-
is a climate of
rules of
with
irrational
hypocrisy. Much of society is concerned
don't
reetiquette whereby men doff their hats to women they
1^2/
spect (or even
when
know) and
their visit
is
tell
relatives
really a bore.
There
how
is
nice
no need
it is
to
to see
go
to
them
another
extreme and encourage your child to tell his hostess, "I think
your party was stinky"; on the other hand, he should not be
forced into paying completely unfelt obeisances. Rare is the child,
as any parent knows, who does not with fair regularity blurt out,
with complete ingenuousness, some rather blunt remark. Yet
what is more natural than a curious child, spying a lady getting
onto his bus, asking loudly, "Why is her stomach so fat?" What
chance has a child, dragged off the bus by a red-faced mother,
or slapped for similar questions, of becoming anything but a liar
himself? "The best way to make a child a liar for life," says A. S.
Neill, "is to insist that he speak the truth and nothing but the
truth."
Tattling
who
it,
is
part of the
power
much
of
the time engages in; and, as the authors of a noted United States
Department of Health, Education, and Welfare booklet on "Behavior Problems and Fears" indicate, "it suggests that the tattler
is weak, and has to come to an adult for support."
/l6s
your child
tattles
and does so
humans who
easily
make
mistakes."
If
164/
if
nesses.
(4)
heart
even gets
started. If
Stealing
As we noted
ego-boosting by children.
is
They
how
away with"
buy
how
the
"nice"
they are; or, rather than depreciate themselves for their various
and misdeeds, they preoccupy themselves with the diverting action of stealing, which distracts them from some of the
lacks
hungry, and
may
steal to
child
make up
stealing
all
may
for this
by children
is
be deprived, even
deprivation. Or he may
truly
may have
he
a mother
/l6$
is
the
norm
Or
in theft.
who
money around
the house,
thought
take
home
it
is
is
with him.
The
child's
pretty
it belongs to
mind. "They are not immoral," says Bettelheim, "since they
have yet to learn what morals are. They proceed from the simple
premise that what they want is justified by the fact that they want
it, and the only problem is that adults so often have different
ideas."
As
usual, however,
and when
it
it is
truly pathological,
tion
and checked.
And
first
to his atten-
we noted
wrong
meaning that it needlessly harms other human beings and helps
create the kind of a disordered world in which he would not particularly like to five himself
but that he is not to be condemned
for performing this wrong behavior. He is a person who has the
power to change his behavior and to desist from stealing in the
previously,
is
is
future.
Try
injustice,
will try to
that he
l66/
we
gram scheduled
who must
him
that he
is
not the
we
make a
may
may some-
perniciously
When
others, this
is
amount
of intimidation of
some amount of browbeating when he is with other chilit would probably be a shame if you
/ iQj
way
is
by others; from
his
only or mainly as a dog-eat-dog kind of existence; from his being overly deprived in various ways; from his
of seeing
life
his external
and
internal environ-
ment.
The
itself. For if you threaten your child with physical punishment and otherwise coercively harass him because he is intimidating other children, the chances are that he will become even
more malcontent and intolerant. He may actually stop his bullying; but he will take out his disturbance in some other manner.
Moreover, he may only become a more subtle kind of bully, one
bullying
who makes sure that other children do not report his activities
to their own parents or to you.
As ever, you should try to find out exactly why the child
resorts to threatening tactics. If he threatens others out of his own
underlying feelings of weakness and anxiety, then you should
attempt to show him that he does not have to have these feelings.
to discriminate, if you can, between physical and
mental strength so that he will realize that a truly strong child
does not have to be the mightiest one on the block, and that real
emotional strength often consists of living comfortably with one's
physical weakness, instead of impressing others with how muscular one is. Show him how some of the biggest and brawniest
individuals have turned out to be mentally weak-kneed, in that
they were ultrasensitive to what others thought of them, while
some of the puniest individuals have proven themselves to be
unusually tough, in that they bucked the world with their views
and were not intimidated by others. Teach him that it is no disalthough it may well be disadvantageous
grace
to be physically weak or even to be cowardly, in the sense of avoiding fist-
Teach him
l68/
fights
it
with bellicose
members
Teach him
that
is
may
other ways.
For both sexes, the ideal that should be taught is not one of
outward "masculine" or "feminine" characteristics, but of inner
or characterological strength. A girl may be large-breasted and
highly emotional, but she can still be shown how stand on her
own feet and to say "yes" when she means yes and "no" when
she means no. A boy may be small and frail and still learn how
to think for himself even when most of his peers are conforming
in
unthinking ways.
largely inborn
and
Where
are
/l6g
Stand
not to have things his own way, then this is the idea that
you should counterattack. Try to show him that it would be nice
for him to have others continually do his bidding, but that this
is hardly necessary; and that if other children do not kowtow to
him, he can easily stand their doing what they want rather than
what he wants. Teach him, again, that being overly annoyed at
being frustrated
is
as the movies,
unfortu-
You have
to try to teach
ultimately he
may
and
own way.
Destructiveness
If your child is destructive, and particularly if he resorts to
vandalism and other kinds of pubhc sabotage, you may well have
IJO/
damage other
it
that he
own
his
rights
playroom.
The
They
feel
/ IJl
thing and find that they can divert themselves from their unhap-
show
of your child
is,
as ever,
first
to get at
or
somehow
greater
if
is
its
The
more worth-while,
philosophic roots.
stronger, or
even when he radically modifies, by dearound him. He therefore has to be disabused of the notion that physical violence against the world will
enhance him, release him, or make up for his inner frustration.
As in the case of the angry and temper-tantrum-ridden individual, the destructive child generally sees only two major possibilities of life: (a) feeling upset inwardly and taking out this
feeling on his surroundings; or (b) feeling upset and suffocating
iota
Of
he believes that he
is
"unfair"
If,
therefore,
1J2/
and
exist;
that he
is
making a
it,
when
it
when
it
does
will palpably
do him no good
by
to
do so
there
is
that not
away with some of the restrictions he deplores. And you can show
him that if he makes a concerted, but still creative and unhostile
attack on the things that bother him in life, such as unfair restrictions that are placed on him, he is much more likely to correct
if he negativistically and hatefully
them or the people who are instituting them. By
being caught up in constructive efforts, he is Ukely to have little
energy left to expend in fruitless retahations against the situation.
Don't, in other words, try to prevent the destructive child from
action
and that will quite possibly help make the world even less
him and others than it now is. Sane destructiveness can
be a good thing as when we have to knock down an old, useless
building to construct a new, more useful edifice in its place. But
insane, wild, shotgun-type destructiveness is the issue; and that
is the kind that you should try to win him away from. If this is
your goal, then you can truthfully show him, in most instances,
that you are out for his own good, and not merely for your own
of Ufe,
fair for
/ 1J{^
is
Cheating
Cheating, like most other forms of antisocial behavior, is not
the bad, and is sometimes logical. If all your child's classmates are cheating on an exam, and he refuses to do so but also
all to
does not inform on the others, then he will, at least on a shortrange basis, be severely handicapped. Or if some crotchety old
lady refuses to let your child and his peers play anywhere near
her house, and he and the others try to see how near they can
play and get away without her noticing them, this kind of cheat-
is
perfectly healthy,
Encouraging
it
is
youngster
(a)
that
it
who
is
terrible for
1/4/
They
nitions that hold water only because the child thinks that they do.
But they are very powerful values and motivate human behavior;
they literally compel him to keep cheating and therefore never
to discover
By
his
the
chores
may
(b) that
him
horrible for
it is
(a) that
it
is
forces
him
to
it may be quite
even
if
he
does consistinconvenient, for him to fail exams; that
ently fail, he is still not worthless, but can be a valuable human
being to himself (and sometimes to the world as well); that he
can risk being imperfect, and be on the same level as the rest of
us fallible human beings; and that even if he has cheated many
times in the past, there is no evidence that he could not do well
on tests if he stopped cheating and buckled down to some active
studying. You can also point out to the child who cheats for
goofing reasons that it may be onerous but it is hardly horrible
for
him
it is
to exert as
much
would have
to
it is
do
in
life's difficulties
as he
for failure
to
/ij^
in the future
and impel
fur-
ther cheating to cover his deficiencies; that things are hardly ex-
is
not too
You can
also,
if
mean
just that
been showing
reasons
in
why he does
himself degraded
if
ing,
in this
that he
still
very
much keeps
alive
his
personality.
IjQ/
in
on him.
Whatever you do about
to discover
its
than by "ratting"
main thing
is
to try
make him
you and he can discover why he is cheating conis a good chance that something can be done
about it. The knowledge of the cause itself will not necessarily
do away with the symptom, but it may mean that half the battle
is won.
aware of
it.
sistently,
then there
If
Delinquency
About
truly delinquent,
do
is
to be
to participate in a variety
even more serious acts such as murder. More often than not, he
would be engaging in these acts with several other children,
rather than alone; but it is also possible for him to be a loner
and
still
a delinquent.
and
were
of these girls
ferred to
me
who had
were
re-
first
who were
hoods,
moralistic parents.
When
who had
/ IJJ
exceptionally rigid,
girls
They
acts.
much
trol
of their behavior, since they are not very well able to con-
it;
and they certainly should not be condemned for performThey often have to be put into protective
order
custody
tory
in
antisocial
acts;
"feel"
I/S/
Delinquents are also, in many instances, arrant excitementThey crave momentary thrills and rousing "good times"
and therefore they constantly drink, smoke marijuana, take goofballs, or even resort to heroin. Their crimes themselves may seem
highly exciting to them; or they may have to resort to crime in
order to pay for their excitement-seeking. Similarly, because they
rarely are able to attain good, steady heterosexual relationships,
they often pay for their sex, in one form or another, if they are
males, or resort to prostitution, directly or indirectly, if they are
seekers.
females.
on
either
that you'd better look for the philosophic roots of his disturbance:
practically drive
/ IJ^
l8o/
place.
stupid
which
all
me
then?"
I answered. "Your goodness
your you-ness, your aliveness, and not the things
is
you do."
"But if I don't do anything very well, and nobody thinks I am
any good, how could what you call my you-ness be anything but
bad?"
"Because what I call your you-ness is not your performances
and not what others think about you. These constitute your external value, or your worth to the world. And, under the circumstances that you state, your external value would be low; and
that would be sad, since it is nice to know that others value you
highly and will give you certain benefits, such as love or money,
because they do. But your external value, or your worth to others,
is not the same thing as your internal value, or your worth to
yourself. You could still have a high self-worth, or hke yourself
distinctly, even when others did not like you and thus awarded
you a low external value."
"How could I? That sounds like thinking that I'm Napoleon,
when everybody else knows that I am not!"
"No, not exactly. Being Napoleon is still an external thing;
and if everyone thought that you were Melvin and not Napoleon,
you would be Melvin no matter what you thought. But having
self-worth is not an external thing, but is quite within your own
that
control,
it
/l8l
Isn't
a great guy and a scholar and for you to think that you're just
not great or scholarly enough, and that therefore you're no
darned good?"
"Yes, I suppose it is, though that would be rare."
"Would it be? Look at the actual situation of your life, right
so
now. Most people think you are fairly short and so do you
both you and they are measuring your external measurements
fairly accurately. But you think you are too short and that you
are not a very good person for being so short; while most other
people seem to ignore how short you are and think you are all
right in spite of your height. So, obviously, your estimation of
yourself
how awful you are for being short is different from
theirs."
"But
isn't
that
possible?"
"Yes,
it
certainly
is.
But that
isn't
the point.
The
point
is
that
You
are entitled to
that
1^2./
But you can decide whether you are good or bad for being short
that is your own decision, the personal and subjective value
that you place on your measurements."
"But I could decide, couldn't I, that it is good for me to be
short or tall?"
and so
"Yes, in some degree you could objectively decide
that it is beneficial for you
could other people decide for you
to be tall, for then you could make the basketball team, see better when you were in a crowd, push smaller people around, etc.
But because it is good meaning, advantageous for you to be
tall does not mean that you are good for so being. You, and only
you, would still have to decide whether you value yourself for
being tall or whether you think you are a bum for being that
way."
"Then how, or on what basis, should I evaluate myself? The
/183
surprising, however,
or even a few years younger, can be approached in this philosophic fashion, in spite of the fact that they are highly disturbed.
therapy
often helps
such
them
as ven-
to feel con-
if
much
it
achieves
the
results.
he began to understand
it.
When
down
to
much more
this,
He went on
and
to college
ness to
his slight-
in
His
his
Similarly,
them
many
must do perfectly
and beachieve these high levels, and irrationally
are treating
many
become
self-respecting, unhostile
184/
Summary
Children
in relation to
some outside
stimuli,
Sometimes
it is their "normal" tendency to do this. Consequently, some problems of conduct may be resolved by your determining what unfortunate factors exist in the child's hfe, and by your seeing that
these are minimized or eliminated. Thus, you can stop being
overly critical of a child who has delinquent tendencies; see that
he is not unnecessarily put upon by others; do away with exceptional deprivations or frustrations that he now has to bear; and
otherwise change his environment to reduce undue pressures on
him. Similarly, if you believe that his companions have any unusual influence on him
as when he is delinquent partly or largely
because he lives in a neighborhood where delinquency is prestigeful
you may sometimes be able to remove him from these influences by moving to another neighborhood, by sending him to a
different school, or
children.
when the child's environment is too pressuryou can try to interest him in constructive sports, plan a
family program to keep him occupied, praise him for doing what
he does do reasonably well, and otherwise try to take his mind
off the fact that conditions around him are deplorable.
Changing the child's external environment and diverting him
from the unfortunate conditions around him are therapeutic
methods, however, that have Umited scope and effectiveness. In
the main, children are problems to themselves and others largely
because they interpret their surroundings poorly and because
they view themselves and others in a jaundiced, negativistic light.
For a more depth-centered cure of their poor conduct, therefore,
you have to try to persuade them to question and challenge their
sion tactics, so that
ing,
/iS^
them thoughtful,
anything
but
still
try,
now
exists.
To some
degree,
remember
that!
CHAPTER
9
Helping Children with
Personal Behavior Problems
dren
who have
who
conduct.
Many
we considered what
and are therefore
inflict
is,
do
to help chil-
those children
guilty of
poor social
do
to
severe penalties
all,
on themselves; and
we
this is the
present chapter.
Speech Disorders
breath;
someone
and
l88/
makes him highly aware of his disabihty. This, of course, is unlike what occurs if he has certain other disorders
such as bedwetting or over- or undereating problems
come
to the attention of
any but
since these
his family
may
not
to
down.
Dr. Isaac Karlin holds that stuttering is basically an organic
it may be aggravated and perpetuated by
around these fibers) takes place later in their lives. Many other
authorities on stuttering have held somewhat similar views.
Although the organic theories of speech defects such as stuttering have not yet been fully validated, there is a good chance
that there is something to them. My own observations tend to
show that serious stutterers have a trigger-happy kind of nervous
system, which makes them more easily liable to certain kind of
speech defects than other children. This does not mean that they
have to become stutterers or stammerers; because if they were
ideally raised, many of them would not reach this stage of mal-
development. But
it
may
well
mean
that
it
is
much
easier for
would be
There
for
is
it
we have
/l8g
noted before in this book, are more liable to acquire almost any
kind of an emotional disturbance than are other children because
they are born with tendencies to think crookedly, to behave
rigidly, and therefore to be unusually anxious and compulsive;
and such children, again, may well become upset about their
speech and may consequently tend to stutter or have other speech
defects. Studies
rigidity, inhibition,
it
is
not possible to ward them off entirely, but only to help the
them in a minimal way; and in other instances they
child have
many
children, however,
when
fail
to
overcome
their early
I^O/
his stuttering
much worse than ever. His origplease others may become an enor-
moderate need to
inal, fairly
if
of things:
Take
to yourself
it
it
in spite of serious
in this regard,
millions.
(2)
Do
Do
if it
not call
never improves, he
is
a worth-while
human
if
handicap.
One
of
my
culties with
me and
whom
group therapy, did exactly the right thing with her son. When
she saw that he was frequently "stuttering" and "stammering"
when he was six years of age, she deliberately did not bring this
to his attention, but acted as if he were speaking perfectly well.
Not being evaluated as a stutterer, he never came to see himself
as one; and consequently, within the next two years, he began to
/iQl
all.
to whis-
before he says
it;
to take a
1^/
is
of attitude;
if
badly.
(9)
that
If
removed,
is
it
some of
the tension
this
may
and
strain of living
well be advisable.
On
is
at least
is
temporarily
and
difficulties of Hfe;
if
his difficulties.
him beyond
may be
if
he
is
up
the child
he achieves up to
somewhat underachiev-
his capacities. If
may be
demand-
anxiety-provoking
Show him
hardly a crime.
(11) Especially
in
may
Speech defects
cies,
it
is
best that
/193
child
Do
damaged
just
because he has
it.
Tics
A tic
is
the child
is
great
is
compulsive and
children have
many
tired or overexcited or
is
tics at
run-down.
1Q4/
and jerk
to twitch
and
then, as
not at
all.
be of purely psychogenic
first solely because
they are under some kind of severe psychological stress. Then,
once they notice this twitching and think that they should not be
so afflicted, they unwittingly focus on it and make it worse and
worse. Also, generally disturbed children usually need some form
of outlet for their disturbances; and twitching and jerking constitute a "logical" kind of symptom for such children in many
It is
may
instances.
If
to treat this
symptom
in
series of
much
the
speech defects (discussed in the previous section of this chapter). In the main, you should try to ignore the tic as much as
possible and try to refrain from showing any annoyance or
criticism of
him
for displaying
it.
his tic's
What
is
tic and not make fun of him in the same way they
would be tempted to do if he had an audible speech defect. So,
ignore his
in
many
instances
it is
tic
completely,
harm
results.
because
it
it
tic
/195
is
to the attention of
your child
children, that
it
Even when
that the tic
is
of emotional disturbance,
need not be
just
as
tic.
terribly
it
is still
ashamed
it
may be
symptom
him that he
He can be shown that
possible to teach
of having
it.
some
and
tall
short stature,
everyone will hate him; it will not greatly interfere with his interests or the Hfework that he chooses in most instances; and
therefore he can live with it rather comfortably, and accept it
philosophically as his particular physical cross to bear.
It is
tic
yourself.
which
Even
if it is
may
a sign of emotional
and even if
you helped create this disturbance which may only be partly
true
you are not a failure for having a child with a pronounced
please!
tic. If others wish to condemn you for this, let them; but
forbear from condemning yourself. You can only do your best
to bear and rear a child; and if your best has not been enough,
you are hardly a villain. The more you bring yourself to realize
this, the more your child is likely to be able to bear his own tic
with a good measure of equanimity.
You should not assume that your child's tic must be of emotional origin, since it may also be the result of chorea (St. Vitus's
dance), epilepsy, and other forms of neurological ailments. See
that the child is given a thorough medical examination to deter-
it
well not be
iq6/
mine
if
there
is
any
(without, inci-
having
is
this ex-
amination and thus bringing the tic unduly to his attention); and
if this proves to be true, follow medical advice in taking the
proper prophylactic and curative measures.
If it is
is
child's
amount of
can; and
it
therefore some-
is
strict
schedule,
convince him to challenge and question his own anxiety-provoking ideas. If he is terribly perfectionistic or if he demands
that the world be exactly the way he wants it to be, he is quite
likely to place himself under severe psychological pressure, and
hence to bring on symptoms like tics. If you can persuade him to
to
and
his tic,
and not
at
how
horrible
it
is
for the
problem
is
the difficulty.
Eating Problems
to,
making a
fuss at mealtimes.
Some
/ l^J
for
cerned with the children's behavior, and want to get the meal
over with as quickly and effectively as possible. And they often
take advantage of this fact, just as they take advantage of special
outings, automobile rides, visits to a department store, and other
occasions when the parents particularly want them to act well.
To try to get a child to eat properly, therefore, is something
like waving a muleta before a bull. At the very least,
him with a challenging kind of game: the game of
it
presents
let's-see-if-
I-can-get-their-goat-and-make-them-see-how-important-I-am For
this very reason, and sometimes for no other, he will be a real
pain in the neck during meals, while at most other times he is
!
ig8/
it
as food.
child
may sometimes
show
little
On
may
overeat for a
variety of reasonably
too
much
do not
psychotherapy
who
for several
months
ate very
little
be-
cause she felt that her baby brother was being overfed, and she
wanted dramatically to show how she was being abused while he
was being too well taken care of. Then, when she got a great deal
of attention by her undereating, she went to the other extreme
and began to stuff herself with food, with the idea that she would
thus outdo her baby brother and win great additional favor from
her mother. Only when she was helped to like herself and to stop
comparing herself to her brother and to other children was she
able to stop her poor eating habits and to take normal amounts of
nourishment.
Assuming
that a child
is
either
abnormally undereating or
ing these:
/ IQQ
(1) Never condemn him for his poor behavior at the table,
no matter how deliberately obnoxious he may be making himself. Condemnation is often one of the very things he would
like to bring on himself, for he can then be truly convinced that
you do not like him and are unfairly against him. Besides, he
may actually want you to punish him for various wrongs he
thinks he has committed. In any event, he is generally blaming
either himself, you, or both himself and you for something or
other; and your condemnatory attitudes will only help make him
believe all the more that blaming is a sound philosophy of living
and that he should be just as nasty as you are when you condemn
him. He almost always has enough other influences in this society
leading him to be a blamer; and he certainly does not need yours
to "help" him in this respect.
(2) Try to discover the philosophic source of his undereating
or overeating. Is he mainly, as
we
Is
why he
should not pleasantly eat and eat and eat? Is his preoccupation with eating or noneating a result of his basic life problems, and is it serving him as some kind of a temporary diversion
from these problems? Find out exactly what is bothering him if
you possibly can; and then tackle the source of this thing and
see if you cannot change it or (more importantly) his attitude
toward
it.
(3) Be sure you don't make any kind of fetish out of eating.
Don't look upon mealtimes as a very special occasion, when your
child's behavior has to be remarkably better than it otherwise is.
200/
damaged
to eat in,
furniture
in
many
people eating at
that are not filled
these are
some of
the
you can watch out for when you arrange for his eating
facilities. Avoid letting the dinner table become, as it is in so
many homes, the place where all the day's tensions are noisily
things
discharged.
(5)
Be
rules that
definite but in
you
the eating
not to waste food; but forcing him to eat every scrap on his plate
may be
too onerous for him to take. To let him eat or not eat
anything he wants may be rather disastrous; but to rigidly force
him to eat everything that the other members of your family eat
may also result in a holocaust. Usually, he should be required to
start and finish his meal within reasonable time limits; to eat most
of the
sion.
/201
(7) Some children who are overeaters can be induced to improve their eating habits if attention is paid to aspects of eating
such as the appearance of the food, the setting of the table, the
linking up of the food with certain games, etc. Ingenuity in these
respects, especially when it is adapted to the likes and dislikes of
may
eat
much more
if
they prepare
times be discouraged
if
they are
made
to
some
of
may some-
immense appetites.
The teaching of table manners is generally a good thing,
since the child to some degree has to eat in other homes and in
public places, and should be taught to do so adequately so that
others are not unduly annoyed by him. But the teaching of rigid
table manners may make meals quite unenjoyable and help make
their
(9)
rigid
customs.
Sibling Rivalry
in spite of what
would have you believe. Many of
them are exceptionally loving and cooperative, right from the
start, when a baby brother or sister is brought into the family,
and rarely, from then on, show undue distrust or distaste for their
Not
many
all
of the psychoanalysts
siblings.
nice
absorbed in enjoying
new
more or
life
that a
suffi-
toy.
less
202/
motivation for
number
many
more
feels that
Tom,
more
many
attention
from
his parents
than
Tom
goals and subgoals in this regard will tend to cause family bickering, increase his
own
To make
brother
matters
Tom may
may
and energy
still
for everyone.
on
his
own
part, since
he
easily
ural bents,
and
this
after a considerable
we might
/203
considerable degree.
When Johnny
picks the
competes with
his brother
"voluntarily,"
on
games
the
game
Tom
in various
one he would
truly enjoy
many
possible
game
The main
sibling rivalry
do not reap
and the immediate onlookers, the parents,
often suffer much pain. Society rarely benefits; and nobody, ali
told, derives much good or enjoyment.
What can be done to combat intense sibling rivalry that tends
to lead to poor results? Here are some points that may be useful
is
not a good
for anyone.
participants
it,
in this connection:
( 1 )
children in the
mean
that
made
to feel guilty
if
under no circumstances
that he should be
he doesn't love Tom enormously and al-
his brother
that
Tom; nor
and
relatives
20^/
told.
"Why
can't
you do as well
as
own
other perform-
or not.
(2)
Although
vice versa,
it is
it
is
certainly desirable;
and
if
Tom, and
some of
subdued.
When
Tom
become
resentful
and
feel that
should
weaker.
On Johnny's side, he should be taught that having a bigger
brother has clear-cut advantages, that he should not take ad-
/205
whether boys or
much
inevitably
girls,
of their fighting
When
is
it
do
is
fight
experiential
handHng somewhat
diflficult situations.
if
she
is
if
she
down; but these should not be accompanied by anger and moralism on the part of the penalizer.
(4) Children should not be made to feel guilty when they do
not happen to like other children in the family or to get along
with these others well. Blood may be technically thicker than
water, but there is no reason why each sibling must like or love
his brothers and sisters. Some children, for various reasons, are
little monsters; and it is most difficult for anyone, including their
2o6/
own
Many
from those of
their siblings
and therefore
cruelty,
bitterness,
there
is
older child
often, frenzied
at the first
The
point
is,
little
mother
by a haras-
little
to
promote
brother.
any
favorit-
ism occurring on the part of their parents; and when such discrimination does occur, the rivalry is likely to be intensified. This
does not mean that you, as a parent, must equally love all your
it
is
will.
One
/ 20J
will naturally
should lean over backward not to manifest your favorable prejudices in overt action that the nonfavored children can clearly
If one of your children is difficult or disturbed, it will
sometimes be necessary for you to outwardly favor him, even
though he may least deserve it. But on the whole you should try
to treat your offspring equally and to ascertain that one does not
feel that the others are given unusual attention or privileges. If
you have difficulty in treating them that way, then it is probable
-that you have some kind of emotional problem yourself; and it
might well be proper for you to seek psychological help for this
problem.
diagnose.
Sleep Disturbances
Some
main so
but
especially
when
can be done about these factors except to accept the fact that
they are there and to try to compensate for them in some ways.
Thus, the child who has trouble sleeping for any length of time
during the night may have to be given a nap period during the
day, even when most other children are no longer taking this
kind of a daytime nap. Or a child who tends to sleep too much,
especially during the day, may have to be forcibly wakened and
kept awake for a while, until he gets out of his sleeping groove.
Emotional causes of a
be more
annoy
his parents;
208/
him on previous
nights.
your child to verbalize some of these disturbancecreating beliefs that he is telling himself. If he cannot at first do
so, assume that some such belief does exist, try to guess what it
could possibly be, and ask him if your guess could be right. Don't
nag him to look at his internalized sentences; but at the same time
Try
to get
When you
start to discover
is
and how
core
is
to challenge
/20g
discussions
out street and other noises and to keep a light sleeper from
waking.
Children can often be put to sleep by reading or telling them
stories; by stroking various parts of their bodies (such as their
forehead, arms); by allowing them to go through certain rituals
210/
by having them
them a light
meal
awakened in the morning by baths or showby food; by exercise; by cold; by forcing them to respond to
conversation; and by various other methods which may be indichildren can be fully
ers;
vidually discovered.
As
a general rule,
it
is
up
in the
morning; for
if
also
/21I
able to help
Bed-Wetting
problem
is
urina-
tion after the age of self-control has supposedly set in for a child.
of three; but
afflicted
many
girls
wetting.
There are many theories about why a child suffers from enand many psychologists are coming to favor the hypothesis
in other
that enuresis results from a combination of causes
words, stems from both organic and psychogenic factors. First,
there are the physiological theories, according to which it is believed that some children have trigger-happy or defective nervous
systems and that they therefore have much more difficulty than do
uresis,
may have
Some
of these neurologi-
may
later
ting problems.
On
ing
may
it is
may
not be
may even be
On
child
may
enuretic.
the bed.
may wet
He can be
may be many
reasons
may
why
take his
HELPING CHILDREN WITH PERSONAL BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS
212/
bed with
anxieties to
means
He may
liim.
of expressing himself
own way,
unconsciously
He may
He may be
consciously or
occasionally find
may worry
so
much about
symptoms, and
may
then un-
his worrying.
He may
on
further
symptoms by
Because enuresis
may
result
from so many
different causes,
it
is
which
to solve. If he
is
it
is
made
desirable
to feel that
it
wetting
it,
his unexcited
He can
/213
further explored,
to
change
his
world.
I frequently cite the case of an eight-year-old
saw
boy
I
some years ago who was not only wetting his
bed frequently during the night, but who was so ashamed of
what he was doing that he usually hid the wet sheets in the morning, so that his mother would have difficulty in finding them. As a
result of his bed-wetting and his other behavior connected with it,
he was teased rather unmercifully by his siblings and by some of
his peers; and he was terribly upset about this teasing.
Since this boy was quite bright, I used with him exactly the
same kind of rational-emotive psychotherapy that I would have
employed with an older individual, and in much the same manner. I kept showing him that it was not awful and horrible for
him to be teased by others, although it was admittedly annoying.
I insisted that he could well stand this teasing, and could teach
himself that "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names
will never hurt me." I also showed him that some of those who
were teasing him obviously had their own problems, and that
they were delightedly after him in order to convince themselves
that they were superior to him and in order to avoid facing their
own difficulties. I convinced him that he could understand and
pity these others and that he by no means had to take their
In this respect,
whom
teasing seriously.
or revolting habit.
this
21^/
bed
at night,
After I had seen this boy for only seven sessions, spread out
over a period of about twenty weeks, his bed-wetting almost entirely stopped. Moreover, he was also getting along better in his
social relations with others, in his contacts with his teachers, and
in his family associations. His mother, who had been convinced
when
she first brought him around to see me, that very little
could be done to help him, was most surprised by his improvement and insisted that I have some talks with her other children,
who were not as seriously disturbed. Although this child's situa-
home and
was
at school,
far
case.
enuretic
this particular
show them
and that
symptoms conto
when
their
tinue.
as receptive to verbal
employed. The main device which has been found effective is this
respect is a pad which is placed in the child's bed, attached to
which are electric wires and a bell. As soon as the child wets the
pad, a signal is transmitted to the bell, which rings and wakes
him. As originally invented by Pfaundler, and later modified by
several others, this device has proved to be effective with a large
number of children, ranging from three to seventeen years of age.
A version of it is marketed today by the Enurtone Company, 4003 National Street, Corona 68, N.Y.; and, as long as it is used
/215
it.
later
fluids,
enuretic,
night to
(4)
pecially
Sweating
may
eliminate or cut
the tendency to be
at
down
and
let
will not
him go
have a
full
to the
es-
for
bathroom
bladder
when he
sleeping.
after
rather, indicate
dry
all
(7)
how
very nice
it is
that his
night.
If
him examined by
2l6/
He may
involved.
if
there
is
Physical Ailments
It has been observed that anxious children, being fearful and
unsure of themselves, appear to be more susceptible to both
mental and physical ills. As Mary B. Hoover states, "they are apt
to suffer from listlessness, poor coordination, and accidentproneness, and they seem to be quick to 'catch' things, from the
common
cold to
more
serious
communicable
diseases."
They
frequently suffer from headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, gastrointestinal disorders, rapid heart beating, and many
he
is afflicted,
that
is
is
something weak,
deficient, or
him
off.
easily talk of
/2.IJ
or what you will; and then, once they realize that they are afflicted, they become so worried about their symptom or about
some
disability in
connection with
it
it,
manage
to
in this class
playing
field
When,
it can easily contribute to its prolongation and inThis means that if you would help a child minimize
his physical disabilities, you must not only see to it that he has a
sane attitude toward himself and the world, but also see that he
does not unduly catastrophize about illness and see himself as
being unable to cope with it.
physical illness,
tensification.
It
is
by
yourself
how badly your child or anyone acts, they are no less valuable as
human beings; and by teaching these rules to your child, you can
rear a child who will be able to face fife's difficulties with mini-
mum
inducing psychosomatic
the onset of a brief
ifis,
tummyache.
become
basis,
may have
is
fully
aware
physically handicapped
is
may
on a temporary or permanent
and
that he
2l8/
horrible, but
is
of death
is
just as there
physical malfunctioning
if it
is
some kind
what
it
actually
is
It
will
be
I
just
mean
Thirdly,
when
become
afflicted
with a
to live
CHAPTER
10
How
to
and Like
You
It
at
You
Or
least,
not
get rid of
sitters.
or relatives
such
if
they
enough to want to keep him. Or, in extreme cases, institutionalize him in a setting where there are speciaHsts in rais-
are foolish
book and
find that
HOW TO
220/
else
is,
is
up
At the same time, there may be several good reasons why you
should not assume the full or even the main responsibility for
rearing your highly disturbed son or daughter. You may be too
neurotic yourself and therefore be unable to help even a "normal" and healthy
may be
You
energy to devote to him. You may have already done too many
wrong things with the child, so that your poor relationships with
him are well-nigh impossible to untangle. You may be so prejudiced against him already that you are likely to do him more
harm than good by being in his company very often. You may
not be able to get along very well with your spouse and may
create a worse atmosphere for the child by living with him or
her than would be created if you left home and continued to see
the child
On
on a
regular-visitation basis.
may
may
is
of a possible solution
if
either
and
way
for
HOW TO
LIVE
IT
/221
most
to stay with
likely that
and
to take
after
due consideration,
your child if
you be able to live
in rearing
all,
you must
fully
HOW TO
222/
Similarly, to
know
pleasant condition)
To
means
you have a cold (or some other unto admit the fact that the cold exists.
accept the cold (or yourself with the cold) means (a) to
admit the fact that the cold exists; (b) to realize that having it
is undesirable, but that perhaps something can be done about
ameliorating or curing it; and (c) to acknowledge that your
life can be worth-while even though you have this cold and may
have to keep suffering with it. Obviously, therefore, accepting one
of life's grim realities goes far beyond knowing that it exists.
Knowledge in itself is potentially useful; knowledge without acceptance is often less than useful and results in neurosis; knowledge with acceptance is truly useful and results in a healthy
attitude toward oneself and life and in a sane effort to minimize
your own errors and the harshness of the world.
To return to our main theme, then: In living with a neurotic
child, it is best to fully and unequivocally accept the fact that he
is the way he is; that it is doubtless most unfortunate that he is
way; but that that's the way things are, and no amount of
wishing on your part will by itself change the way they are.
a neurotic individual. He is not,
neurotic child is exactly that
nor can he reasonably be expected to be, nice, well-disciplined,
mature, well-behaved, responsible, or consistent. If he were all
these things, he would hardly be disturbed!
Accepting a neurotic child for what he is means, of course,
that
and symp-
not blaming or
condemning him
toms. This
is
the
if you
tend to be.
daughter.
For
easily
upsettable
son
or
choose to live with an
will
characteristics
unpleasant
blaming your child for displaying
almost certainly give you an additional, gratuitous pain in your
will usually
own
insides;
one:
first,
It is
also
and then you will have two pains for the price of
and his or her annoying behavior; and
second, that of your own unrealistic reaction to this annoyance.
Anger at your neurotic offspring may, admittedly, make you
feel good temporarily, since it "proves" how great you are in
comparison to the upset child. But how long-lasting and meanthat of the child
HOW TO
/ 22^
ingful
still
As
note in
How
to
Live With
HOW TO
224/
a Neurotic,
will ruthlessly
does not
is
no
minimize the difficulties involved in this kind of domestic arrangement. For example:
Work on your own frustration tolerance! Try to see that
( 1 )
you are minimally annoyed at being annoyed. When your child
rips up the furniture, or bangs needlessly on the piano, or trips
you in the hallway, remember that it is terribly bothersome to
have him acting in these ways, but that it is not necessarily horrible, awful, or catastrophic. You can survive under these thankless conditions; and however unfair he may be to you and other
members of your household, there is no reason why he should
not be that unfair. The more you keep convincing yourself that
he shouldn't be annoying, the more frustrated and bothered you
party,
will
make
yourself.
You
to
it.
Do
your best to see that the other members of your famunderstand your neurotic child's condition and that they
do not expect too much from him. Let your spouse and even your
(2)
ily fully
other children
know
is
seriously disturbed
and
in
going to remain so for some time to come. Consequently, you should help them see that he will behave badly
in a number of ways, and there is no point in anyone's becoming
all
probability
is
it
HOW TO
can be
he is.
LIVE
livable,
if
/22^
IT
when he
is
the
way
my own
names
is
me names.
sharpen them
nothing about them
just calling
seriously, don't
breast, there
is
that
As
against you
HOW TO
226/
He
to be
tries to injure
this
is
manner, he can
is
When
As
be annoying
to
itself
still
be curative; but
it
will at least
make them
who
some
become
they try harder to curb their poor behavior, and sometimes suc-
ceed
in
doing
so.
If
HOW TO
Stoicism
is
often misinterpreted to
AND LIKE
mean
tiiat tiie
IT
/ 22J
individual should
life
be with
it
it.
Actually,
brings
means
that
more
by
of valor!
(7) Normally, it is best to try to live in a democratic, equalized kind of way with other members of your family, including
your children. But the fact has to be faced that a neurotic child
not only a youngster, who for that reason cannot be treated
with full equahty, but that he is also an anxiety-ridden, compulis
HOW TO
22S/
LIVE
IT
tional disturbances
for that
is
no matter how competent and active they are, to accomChildren are both born and raised to be easily upsettable;
parents,
plish.
make
them and keep them overly anxious and hostile. The only complete attack on the problem of childhood neurosis, therefore,
would have to be a parental-societal attack, using many institutional and other approaches.
One necessary approach, for example, would be the educational one. Our schools, at the present time, are somewhat proficient in teaching children how to read, write, do arithmetic, and
comprehend various other subjects. But they as yet do little to
help them in their emotional growth and development. At the
Institute for Rational Living, Inc., where I am now Executive
Director,
we
HOW TO
LIVE
/22^
IT
and
how
We
teach
go through life without unduly upsetting themselves about anything and how to maximally enjoy themselves.
Similarly, other schools and agencies, such as clinics, hospitals, community centers, libraries, films, TV presentations, and
theatrical shows, have to be employed if a concerted, large-scale
attack on emotional disturbance in children is to be effectively
made. You, as a parent, can probably help with some of these
efforts; but obviously you cannot produce and direct them by
yourself. No matter what you directly and indirectly do in regard
to the emotional education of your child, it still will not be
enough, and complete success is most unlikely.
Nonetheless, there is much that you can do, if you will willingly take and persist at some of the fines that have been outfined
in this book. First, do your best to help yourself become as
mature and tolerant as you can be. Read pertinent psychological
books; take courses in self-improvement; if necessary, go for psychological guidance on an individual- or group-therapy basis.
Second, firmly and kindly try to apply your knowledge to the
understanding and guidance of your child. Try to help him be
minimally disturbed, if that is possible; and to become maximally
undisturbed if he is already seriously neurotic. You won't be, nor
should you ever demand that you be, totally successful in these
respects. But you can at least try your very best.
children
to
Bibliography
in
the neuroses.
New
York. Consultants
Bureau, 1960.
stuttering.
London
New
The Kibbutz
New
Bergler,
to
nuisances.
New
York:
1960.
Berne, Eric.
Games
people play.
New
New
Liveright,
BIBLIOGRAPHY
232/
Bettelheim, Bruno. Dialogue with mothers. Ladies'
Home
Journal, Oct.,
1965, 62-65.
.
Love
is
.When
not enough.
New
York:
Collier, 1964.
lie
or
steal.
1953.
Bronfenbrenner, Urie. The changing American child a speculative analysis. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 1961 (7), 73-84.
Buxbaum,
Understanding your
Edith.
New
child.
1962.
Calderone,
Mary
S.
Quoted
in
Bob
Lardine,
What
not to
your child
tell
about sex.
Camper,
Belmont,
1962.
Cattell, R. B. Discussion in
7.
New
Your
child
is
John,
and Neal
Miller.
Personality
and psychotherapy.
New
York: Association
New
Press,
1965.
Albert.
How
to live with
New
a neurotic.
New
1957.
.
offenders.
In
Albert
Ellis
and Albert
York:
New
1962.
.
// this
The
be sexual heresy.
intelligent
New
York: Lyle
woman's guide
to
Stuart, 1963.
man-hunting.
New
York: Lyle
Stuart, 1963.
.
incest taboo.
New
New
York: Lyle
Stuart, 1963.
York:
BIBLIOGRAPHY
/23s
Homosexuality:
its
causes
and
cure.
New
York:
Lyle Stuart,
1965.
New
Sex without
New
guilt.
The art and science of love. New York: Lyle Stuart, 1965.
The case for sexual liberty. Tucson: Seymour Press, 1965.
The search for sexual enjoyment. New York: Macfadden-Bartell,
1966.
Cliffs, N.J.:
guide to rational
living.
Englewood
Prentice-Hall, 1961.
J.
New
New York:
David McKay Co., 1962.
Finger, Frank W. Sex beliefs and practices among male college students.
Journal of Abnormal Soc. Psychol., 1947 (42), 57-67.
Fraiberg, Selma H. The magic years. New York: Charles Scribner's Sons,
Fine, Reuben. Freud: a critical re-evaluation of his theories.
1959.
Frank,
to help
your child
in school.
New
York:
Viking, 1950.
New
Freud, Anna. The ego and the mechanisms of defense. London: Hogarth,
1937.
New
1956.
New
York:
Harper, 1961.
Garvey,
Wm.
P.,
BIBLIOGRAPHY
224/
Genne, William H. Are the churches changing sex? SexoL, 1965 (32),
312-315.
Gerard, R. The scope of science. The Scientific Monthly, 1947, (64),
496-513.
Ginott, Haim G. Between parent and child. New York: Macmillan, 1965.
Glasser, William. Reality therapy. New York: Harper, 1965.
Good Housekeeping. If a child is a bed wetter. Good Housekeeping. Oct.,
1965, 174.
Gottlieb, Bernard S.
sex. Indianapolis:
Bobbs-Merrill, 1960.
Gratch, Gerald.
An
1964
(35), 1155-1167.
Gregg, Alan. Character building in children. In Sidonie Matsner Gruenberg (ed.). Our children today. New York: Viking, 1952.
Gross, Leonard. Sex education comes of age. Look,
March
8,
1966,
21-25.
Jaffe. The complete book
York: Ballantine, 1961.
Guyon, Rene. The ethics of sexual acts. New York: Knopf, 1934.
.Sexual freedom. New York: Knopf, 1950. Hollywood: France
Guttmacher, Alan
F.,
of birth control.
New
International, 1963.
Hadfield,
J.
A.
What
neurosis, childhood
is
Penguin, 1960.
Halpern,
Howard M. A
New
York:
Barnes, 1963.
/
Co., 1962.
is
Hoffer, Eric.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Hymes, James
/235
L., Jr.
How
to tell
sex.
New
York: Public
New
Johnson, Adelaide
1963.
People
Kinsey. Alfred
havior in
in quandaries.
New
Sexual be-
fairs
New
Pamphlets, 1964.
May
12, 1965,
New
132-134.
Lipton, Lawrence.
Holt, 1964.
Lovibond,
S.
McClelland, D.
pleton, 1953.
origins of crime.
New
Press, 1959.
illusion.
En-
counter, 1965.
House, 1941.
Sex and repression
.
in
life
of savages.
New
York: Halcyon
BIBLIOGRAPHY
236/
Martin, Irene.
New
J.
(Ed.).
New
York: Harper,
1954.
Toward
Van Nostrand,
1962.
and Floyd J. Curtis. The relationship between maternal self-acceptance and child acceptance. Journal of Consulting Psychol. 1963 (27), 542-554.
Menninger, Karl. Theory of psychoanalytic technique. New York: Basic
Medinnus, Gene
R.,
Books, 1958.
Judith Porta, and Joan
McCord. The
ses.
G. Review of
J.
joint
1964.
,
its
A.
Neill,
S.
Summerhill.
Newcomb, Theodore M.
New
May, 1956,
195.
Pastore, Nicholas.
esis.
.
The
stattfehabter Bettnassung.
Verhandl.
d.
deutsch.
Gesselsch.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
f^^J
Phillips, E.
Piers, G.,
Charles
Potter, Stephen.
Author, 1950.
Redlich, Fritz, and Jane Bingham.
The
inside story
psychiatry and
every-
American males: Pathogenicity of childhood. Amer. Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1961 (31), 786-802.
Ringness,
Thomas A.
M. The syndrome
Amer. Journal
May, 1963,
707-710.
Schaefer, Roy.
Science
T.V. good
life
News
Letter,
June
9,
1962, 362-363.
Scott,
Home,
1964.
Robert R. Relationship of early socialization experiences to aggression in middle childhood. Journal of Abnorm. Psychol, 1961 (63),
466-492.
Seiger, H. W. Record U.S. Patent Office. Washington, D.C., 1936.
Sears,
BIBLIOGRAPHY
2^HI
practical urine or
wet diaper
signal.
(28), 733.
Pediat.,
1952
(40), 738-749.
Seipt, Irene.
Your
its
implica-
127-130.
(59),
How
to
New
(32), 297-300.
Sullivan,
Grune &
Stratton,
1956-1959.
New
in children. Parents'
M. Antecedents
United States Dept. of Health, Education, and Welfare. Behavior problems and fears. Washington: Government Printing Office, 1962.
Your child, six to twelve. Washington: Government Printing Of.
fice,
1962.
W.
Wolf,
Anna W. The
parents' manual.
New
York: Simon
&
Schuster, 1941.
The systematic
baby research.
New
enuresis.
h^g
BIBLIOGRAPHY
and R. K. Turner. CNS stimulant drugs and conditioning treatment of nocturnal enuresis. Behav. Res. Ther., 1965 (3), 93-101.
Young, Leontine R. The truth about children's lying. McCaU's Magazine,
,
New
Index
Berne, E., 52
Achievement, need
for,
24,
27,
83-97, 173-175
intrinsic
enjoyment
of,
86
Anger, 100-121
basis of,
60,
74-75,
103-104,
100-105
resentment, 44-49
Blaisdell,
Anxiety,
36-44,
59-82,
85-86,
W., 150
Blaming
25-26, 39-41
child's,
208-209, 216-217
8,
Bed- wetting,
221-229
74
Bullying, 166-169
Bowlby,
J.,
74-75
13,
211-216
Camper,
Cheating, 173-176
170
tioning
Behaviorists, 3
S.,
75
INDEX
244/
also
human,
Fallibility,
90-91,
82,
118-119
Families
Davitz,
disorganized,
56
J.,
in,
125,
224-225, 227
215
Defensiveness, 49-56
35-36,
Delinquency,
169-173,
Fears
of animals, 64, 68-69
176-184
of dark, 61
Democracy, 126-127
39-40
of decisions,
Destructiveness, 169-173
Developmental
209
stages, 5
12-13,
Diagnosing disturbance,
16-22, 128
48
Freud,
136
130, 137-140
3,
13-14,
137-
140
Fromme,
S.,
S., 4,
Freudian theory,
Edison, T. A., 86
151, 168,
221, 223-224
178
A., 62,
66
46,
C, 133
Freiberg,
Ellis,
inadequacies, 68-82
of water, 65
Foster,
176, 225-226
J.,
own
of school, 36-38
Dollard,
of
48-49,
104-107,
120-
121
Frustration tolerance, low, 27-29,
English, O.
S.,
133
168-169, 170-172
Environment, influence
10-12,
145-151,
of,
3,
8,
176-177,
184-185, 228-229
Gardner,
J.,
96
Goals, importance
Failure, fear of,
86,
89-90,
173-176
159-161,
of,
Hedonism, long-range
Good, definition of, 132
Grandiosity, 19, 27-29, 43-44
INDEX
/245
Jealousy, 119-120, 143-144,201-
144-147
Guilt, 40-44,
207
Johnson, V., 151
Hadfield,
142-143
J.,
Jones,
M. C, 64
Harlow, H., 7
Harper, Robert A., 32-33
Hartman,
Karlin,
26
R.,
I.,
188
Kinsey, A.
Hedonism
C,
137, 151
long-range, 130-133
Langmuir, M.
short-range, 129-131
Hoffer, E.,
Lecky,
20
Hostility
B.,
P.,
86
Love
need
Hoover, M.
125
F.,
45
for,
unconditional,
216
44-
226
Lying, 158-162
McClelland, D., 32
Hymes,
Malone, C, 11-12
Maslow, A., 4, 35
J.,
153
Identification,
Masters,
52-53
Immature behavior,
32,
124-125,
Inadequacy,
H., 151
Maternal deprivation, 7
99-100,
72,
W.
feelings
Maturation, 18
Miller, N.,
48
40-45,
Moore,
B., 83
Moralism, 20, 42-44
170-173, 177-183
Inferiority, see
Inadequacy,
feel-
ings of
Mowrer, H., 44
Murphy, L., 1
47-49, 106-107
75
National Institutes of Health, 5
Negativism,
6,
107-108
INDEX
246/
Neill,
A.
S.,
Neurosis, childhood
characteristics
57ff.,
27ff.,
Potter, S.,
17-22,
of,
13,
78,
85, 95-96,
T.,
52
Pretense, 49-52
Projection, 50-51
Protectiveness, 61-62
142, 228
Newcomb,
Podolsky, E., 59
84
Psychoanalytic theory,
Psychotherapy, need
5, 7,
74-75
for, 79,
216
schizophrenia, 12-13
Punishment, 127-136
corporal, 133-136
dangers
of,
functions
196
108, 127ff.
of,
108-109
Parents' behavior
anger, 71, 104-108, 127, 158
195, 221-
224
fears,
good models,
130
child,
limitations, 129-
160ff.,
179-185, 217-
218
Rationalization, 42,
163-164,
184ff.,
212-213, 224-229
50
Realism, 130-133
Rebelliousness, 35-36
Pastore, N., 48
104,
128-130,
219-221
76-77,
96
214
Physical ailments, 216-218
Resistance, 54-55
Pfaundler, M.,
bases
Physiological
ances,
of
100-102,
188-189,
18-19,
handle
to
philosophies,
190ff.,
V., 137
Rationality
irrational philosophies,
62-63, 65-67
inability
Ramsey, G.
disturb-
142-143,
195-196,
211-212, 215-218
207,
Rules,
need
for,
125-128,
145-146, 200-201
130,
INDEX
/247
109
Security, need
('^
Stuttering,
Self,
concept
for,
56-57
of,
26-27,
Self-delusion, 49-56,
136
"Self-fulfilling prophecies,"
69
137-155
child sexuality, 137-140
"dirty words," 144-147
tion),
doctor-and-nurse, 144-147,
153
transvestism, 34-35
214
Shyness, 29-31, 79-82
Sibling rivalry, 55,
201-207
SIECUS, 150
Sleep disturbances, 207-21
Society
handling emotional
problems, 228-229
sex attitudes, 145-151
Spanking, 133-136
Transference, 53-54
Transvestism, 34-35
Traumatic experiences,
8,
75
Tyranny, 29
Underachievement, 31-33
"Vicious circle of neurosis," 31,
failure
125-126
Tatthng, 162-164
66
Self-discipline, 106,
57
Sullivan, H.,
88-89,
180-182
ing),
187-193
Submissiveness, 79-82
Sears, R.,
164-166
56
Wahler, R., 12
Watson,
J.
Weaning,
B.,
7,
64
13
33,
96,
142,
148, see
also Shyness
Wolf, A., 74
Wolpe,
J.,
64
Yarrow,
L., 5-6
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Contents:
1.
Feeling Well by Thinking Straight 4. How You Create Your Feelings 5. ThinkOut of Emotional Disturbances 6. Recognizing and Attacking Neurotic
Behavior 7. Overcoming the Influences of the Past 8. Does Reason Always Prove
10. Tackling Dire Needs
Reasonable?
9. Refusing to Feel Desperately Unhappy
for Approval 11. Eradicating Dire Fears of Failure 12. How to Stop Blaming and
Start Living 13. How to Feel Undepressed though Frustrated 14. Controlling Your
Own Destiny 15. Conquering Anxiety 16. Acquiring Self-discipline 17. Rewriting
Your Personal History 18. Accepting Reality 19. Overcoming Inertia and Getting
Creatively Absorbed 20. Living Rationally in an Irrational World 21. Rational256 Pages . . .$3
Emotive Therapy or Rational Behavior Training Updated
3.
ing Yourself
Contents1.
& POWER
by Les Giblin
Contents:
1. Your Key to Success and Happiness 2. How to Use the Basic Secret for Influencing Others 3. How to Cash in on Your Hidden Assets 4. How to Control
the Actions & Attitudes of Others 5. Hew You Can Create a Good Impression
or Other People 6. Techniques for Making & Keeping Friends 7. How to Use
Three Big Secrets for Attracting People 8. How to Make the Other Person Feel
Friendly Instantly 9. How You Can Develop Skill in Using Words 10. The
Technique of "White Magic" 11. How to Get Others to See Things Your Way
Quickly 12. A Simple, Effective Plan of Action That Will Bring You Success
180 Pages
and Happiness.
The books
...
$2
listed
Melvin Powers.
Melvin Powers
12015 Sherman Road, No. Hollywood,
California
91605