Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Please choose, analyze, and memorize one of the following gender-neutral monologues to
present for your audition.
heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco, so if theres a costume involved, I tend to not only
accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying Thank you so much and thinking you poor
son of a bitch. This afternoon I accepted a leaflet from a man dressed as a camcorder. Hotdogs,
tacos, video cameras, these things make me sad because theres no place for them, no
community. I figure that at least as an elf I will have a place. Ill be in Santas village with all the
other elves. Well live in a fluffy wonderland surrounded by candy canes. It wont be quite as sad
as being some big French fry out on the street corner.
MONOLOGUESFORWINTERPLAYANDFSPLAY
IdentityCrisisbyChristopherDurang
JANE:
WhenIwaseightyearsold,someonebroughtmetoatheatrewithlotsofotherchildren.Wehadcome
toseeaproductionofPeterPan.YourememberhowinthesecondactTinkerbelldrinkssomepoison
thatPetersabouttodrink,inordertosavehim?AndthenPeterturnstotheaudienceandsaysthat
Tinkerbellsgoingtodiebecausenotenoughpeoplebelieveinfairies,butthatifeveryoneinthe
audienceclapsrealhardtoshowthattheydobelieveinfairies,thenmaybeTInkerbellwontdie.We
clappedveryhardandverylong.MypalmshurtandevenstartedtobleedIclappedsohard.Then
suddenlytheactressplayingPeterPanturnedtotheaudienceandsaid,Thatwasntenough.You
didntclaphardenough.Tinkerbellsdead.Uhwell,andandtheneveryonestartedtocry.The
ushershadtocomeandhelpthechildrenuptheaislesandoutintothestreet.Idontthinkanyofus
werethesameafterthatexperience.
THEDAYSANDNIGHTSOFBEEBEEFEINMAKERbyWilliamSnyder
Beebee
Yourejustbreezingalongwiththebreeze,arentyou,NettieJo?Lettintherestoftheworldgoby.
Andwhatbeatsmeisyouresatisfied.Idontknow.Theressomethingwrongaboutbeginsosatisfied
witheverythingthewayitisandgoinalongwiththecrowd.Youhavetogainspecialrecognitionin
someway.Insomeway,NettieJo.Ifyoudontyouendupnothinganonentity.Anotherfaceinthe
crowd.Andthatslikebeindead.Itsdeathinlife,thatswhat.Itswalkingthroughtheworldwithout
touchingathing,Itsblendinin,insteadofstickinout.
CABARETbyJoeMasteroff
Frl.Schneider:
Oh,yes!Ican.Icangiveupthatway!Thatiseasyforyoutosay!Easyforyou.Fight!And,ifyoufail,
whatdoesitmatter?Youpackupyourbelongings.YoumovetoParis.AndifyoudonotlikeParis,
where?Itiseasyforyou.ButifyouweremeAllmylifeIhavemanagedformyselfanditistooolda
habittochange.Ihavebattledalone,andIhavesurvived.TherewasawarandIsurvived.Therewas
arevolutionandIsurvived.TherewasaninflationbillionsofmarksforoneloafofbreadbutI
survived.AndiftheNaziscomeIwillsurvive.AndifthecommunistscomeIwillstillbehererenting
theserooms!Forintheend,whatotherchoicehaveI?Thisismyworld!(softly)Iregretverymuch
returningthefruitbowl.Itistrulymagnificent.Iregreteverything.
EASTERNSTANDARDbyRichardGreenberg
May:
Yasee,inthestreetyacantalkantalkforweeksannevergetareply.So,yashoutanthenobody
answeringetstobeloudasamarchingband.Thatswhatmakesyouloco.Causeprettysoon,the
wordsarethrowinthemselvesaroundinyourheadanyastartputtinpretendpeopleintheretocatch
them.Anbeforeyouknowit,youretalkingtothesepeople,anthisiswhatisknownasthebirthofa
badreputationintheneighborhood.
Anwhateveryaknowaboutyourselfjuststartsdriftingaway.Yourenotprettyanymoreoragood
dancer.Younevercookortelljokesanhavepeoplelaughatem.Ioncecookedforalivin,yaknow,
mybestjob.Inahousewithnicepeople.BeforemytroublesstartedanIkindalostmyself.Anitgot
tobeliketherewasnothinhinginmetoearthlikeIwasoffinorbitsomewhere;soscared
But,nownowitfeelslikeImlivininsidethepersonIusetabeagainCauseyoupeople,yagivemea
placetostay,yafillmyprescriptionforme,yaletmecooknowthisisadifferentstory.
WORKINGbyStudsTerkel
Waitress:
ItwouldbeveryboringifIhadtosay,Wouldyoulikeacocktail?overandover.SoIcomedifferent
formyownenjoyment.Isay,WhatsexcitingatthebarthatIcanoffer?orsomething.Maybewith
cocktails,Igivethemalittlephilosophy.Theyhavecoffee;Igiveempoliticalscience.Ihaveanopinion
oneverysinglesubjectthereis.Mybossesdontlikeit,soIspeaksottovoice.ButifIgetheated,I
dontgiveadamn.IspeaklikeanItalianspeaks.Ihavetobeawaitress.Howelsedoestheworldcome
tome?Everyonewantstoeat,everyonehashunger.AndIservethem.Igiveservice.Icantbeservile.
Thereisadifference.Igotintoxicatedwithgivingservice.ItbecomestheatricalandIfeellikeMata
Hari,anditintoxicatesme.Imonstage.ItelleveryoneImawaitressandImproud.Whensomebody
saystome,Hey,youreterrific!Howcomeyourejustawaitress?KnowwhatIhavetosaytothem?
Isay,Why?Dontyouthinkyoudeservetobeservedbyme?
THE5thOFJULYbyLanfordWilson
Shirley:
ImgoingtobethegreatestartistMissourihaseverproduced.Thegreatestartistfromtheentire
Midwest.Illbeapainter,orasculptor.Oradancer!Awriter!Aconductor!Acomposer!Anactress!
Oneofthearts!Peoplewilldie.Certainpeoplewillliterallyhavecardiacarrestatthemagnitudeofmy
achievements.Illbesomethingastonishing!Justastonishing!IwillhaveyouknowthatIintendto
studyfortenyears,thenburstforthontheworld.Andpeoplewillbeabashed!Amazed!Astonished!
Atmymagnitude.OhGod!Look!Isthatshe?Isit?ITIS!ITISSHE!AHHHHHHHHH!(Shecollapseson
thefloorandthenslowlygetsuptoasittingposition.)Shedieddeadofcardiacarrestandastonishment
atthemagnificenceofmyachievementinmychosenfield.
THEGOODTIMESAREKILLINGMEbyLyndaBarry
Edna:
TheradiowasonandthatwasthefirsttimeIheardthatsong,theoneIhate.WheneverIhearitallI
canthinkofwasthatveryday,ridinginthefrontseatwithLucyleaningagainstmeandthesmellofjuicy
fruitmakingmewanttothrowup.Howcanasongdothat?Belikeanetthatcatchesawholeentire
day,evenadaywhosegutsyouhate?Youhearitandallofasuddeneverythingcomeshangingbackin
frontofyoualltangledupinthatmusic.
EllenwasntsupposedtotellusbutitwasfromherthatIfoundoutthenameofdadsgirlfriendwasPat.
Theonefromhisstore.AndIguessherwasgoingtobelivingwithhernow.Ellenletmesleepinher
bedforthewholeweekwehadtostaythere.Sometimesitdoesntmatterwhenyourdreamfinally
comestrue,doesit?Shesleptwithherradioplayingandduringthenight,whenIcouldntsleep,I
wouldlaythereandwonderifIhadheardeverysongintheworldyet.
ILLNEVERGIVEUPMYINDEPENDENCEbyJulesFeiffer
YoungGirl:
Trytoseeitmyway.IamnearlytwentyandifIwasevergoingtomakeabreak,nowisthetimetodoit.
SoItoldmyparentsIwasmovingout.Youcantimaginetheyellingandscreaming.Myfathersaid,
YOUrebreakingyourmothersheart.Mymothersaid,Whatwasmycrime?Whatwasmyterrible
crime?AndbeforeIknewitwewereinanargumentandItoldthemboththeyneededanalysisand
theytoldmeIhadafilthymouth,andsuddenlyIwasoutinthestreetwithmyraincoat,mysuitcase,
andmytennisracketbutIhadnoplacetomove!
Well,frankly,whatonearthcouldIdo?IwaitedtillitwaswaypastmyparentsbedtimethenI
sneakedbackintothehouseandsetthealarminmybedroomforsixthenextmorning.Ivebeenliving
thatwayfortwomonthsnow.AndeverydayIcallupmyparentsfromthedownstairsdrugstoreand
theyyellandcryatmetocomeback.ButofcourseIalwaystellthemno.
Illnevergiveupmyindependence.
LOSTINYONKERSbyNeilSimon
LOUIE:
Maknewwhatwasgoinon.ShecouldtellifsaltwasmissinfromapretzelButshewouldntsay
nothin.Shedcomeupfromthestorewiththemilk,siddownforbreakfast,knowinthattwoscoopsof
everythingwasmissin,andshedjuststareatyourightintoyoureyeballs,pupiltopupilnever
blinkinHereyeslookedliketowDistrictAttorneysandEddiecouldnttakethepressure.Hed
alwayscrack.Tearswouldstartrollindownhischeekslikeawetconfessionandwhack,hedgetthat
bigGermanhandrightacrosstheheadButnotme,Idstarerightbackuntilhereyelidsstartedto
weighttenpoundseachAndshedturnawayfromme,downforthecountAndyouknowwhat?She
loveditbecauseIknewhowtotakecareofmyselfYeah,meandMalovedtoputontheglovesand
gothedistance(HEtakesoffjacket,putsitonthebackofthechair.
ITSCALLEDTHESUGARPLUMbyIsraelHorovitz
Zuckerman:
IusedtopassagourmetshopuponmywayuptoBoston.WhenIcameintomyUnclestoworkon
Sunday.Iwasjustakidthen.IusedtocomeineverySundayfromWakefield.Onthebus.Anyway.
Therewasthisgourmetshop.German.Theysoldpastriesandstufftomakeyourownpastries.
Anyway.Theyhadthisterrificsignintheirwindowforyearsadvertisingdoughforstrudel.Hugesign.
Strudeldough.Itwasupforyears.IusedtopassiteverySunday.AndIusedtothinkaboutallthose
peoplewhohadtokeepstaringatiteveryday.Theynevereverchangedthesign.Imean,itjusthung
there,tapedtothewindowgettingoldandsortofyellowandterrible.Strudeldough.Getit?Soone
day,Igotoffofthebusnearthepastryshop;andItookamagicmarkerandrightunderstrudeldough
Iwrotestrudeldee!!!Isntthatbeautiful?(Heslaughing.)Strudeldough.Strudeldee.Canyou
imaginewhatallthosepoorpeoplesaidwhentheysawit?Afterallthoseyearsofpassingthatsign,all
ofasuddenitsfunny.Strudeldough.Strudeldee.Youthinkthatsfunny,dontyou?
AH,WILDERNESSbyEugeneONeill
Richard:
Afteritwasdark,IsneakedoutandwenttoalowdiveIknowabout.Ifyoudontbelieveme,askthem
atthePleasantBeachHouseifIdidnt.Theywontforgetmeinahurry.Thisplaceisasecrethouseof
shame.Inoticedoneofthegirlstheonethatwasntwithhimlookingatme.Shehadstrangelooking
eyes.AndthensheaskedmeifIwouldntdrinkchampagnewiththemandcomesitwithher.Ifigured
whyshouldntI,whenyoutoldmeinthatletteryoudneverseemeagain?Ididntknowthenthat
yourPamadeyouSHEhadgoldenhairthekindthatburnsandstingsyou.Shekeptsmokingone
cigaretteafteranotherbutthatsnothingforachorusgirl.Oh,wekeptdrinkingchampagneallnight
andshecameandsatinmylapandkissedme.(Afraidhehasgonetoofar)Butitwasallinfun.BeforeI
leftforhome,shegotfresh,ItoldherIlovedyouandcouldneverloveanyoneelse.Ionlydidittoget
backatyou.
BEAUJESTbyJamesSherman
Chris:
Therecomesatimewhenamanhastostakehisclaim.(HElooksatSarahandthenturnsandmovesto
Abe.)Mr.Goldman.Iamfullycognizantofthefactyoudontapproveofme.But,Ithink,ifyougotto
knowme,youwoulddiscoverthat,inspiteofthefactthatIworkinadvertising,Iamaverydecent
humanbeing.Iloveyourdaughterverymuch.Andwhileitisthesourceofsomeconflictforher,I
believethatshelovesme.Iwouldliketodedicatemylifetomakingherhappyandprovidingforherin
everywayIpossiblycan.Sowithyourpermissionand,hopefullywithyourblessingIamgoingtoask
yourdaughterforherhandinmarriage.