My#First#Opening#Day#0#20#Lessons#from#a#

Beginning#Deer#Hunter#
By#Larry#Hope#"A#Man#in#the#Woods"#
#
I#did#not#grow#up#hunting.#Other#than#dove#and#duck#hunting#a#
few#times#in#my#teens,#I#did#not#start#hunting#until#my#early#30's.#A#
friend#invited#me#to#go#turkey#hunting#in#Sequin#"Chigger#Capital#
of#the#World"#TX.#
Sure#I#said,#Im#always#up#for#a#new#adventure.##We#called#
many#turkeys#but#killed#exactly#none.#
However,#something#awakened#in#me#during#the#trip.#Hunting,#I#
found#out,#along#with#the#general#campfire#camaraderie,#was#an#
absolute#blast.#I#was#actually#angry#I#discovered#this#later#in#life,#
but#planned#to#make#up#for#lost#time.#
Ignoring#the#fact#that#I#had#NEVER#been#big0game#hunting#in#my#
life,#about#a#year#later,#three#of#us#went#in#as#partners#on#a#small#
piece#of#recreational#hunting#property#North#of#Houston,#Texas.#
(Im#still#shocked#all#three#wives#agreed#to#this).#For#months,#we#
worked#at#the#camp,#built#a#few#crappy#stands#and#generally#got#
all#geeked#up#about#the#up#and#coming#hunting#season.#The#
other#two#partners#had#hunted#all#their#lives,#so#I#tried#to#follow#
their#lead.#I#also#read#Guns%and%Shooting%Online#and#just#about#
every#book#or#magazine#I#could#find,#along#with#making#a#
nuisance#of#myself#to#anyone#who#would#listen#and#answer#my#
questions.#(Thank#again#Bob#Fowler#for#your#patience#and#help.)#
I#researched#deer#rifles#and#actions.#I#researched#calibers#and#
cartridges.#I#learned#that#asking#two#people#at#the#same#time#
which#caliber#was#best#will#elicit#more#opinions#than#seeing#
Nancy#Pelosi#in#a#bikini.#I#studied#whitetail#diets,#habits#and#
mating#rituals.#I#crawled#all#over#that#little#parcel#of#land#looking#for#
"sign."#I#knew#where#deer#crossed#Creek##1,#Creek##2#and#the#
back#fence#line.#I#purchased#knives,#coolers,#saws,#boots,#
camo,#water#bottles#and#a#bit#more#camo,#just#in#case.#I#
purchased#a#beautiful#stainless#steel#Ruger#M77#in#.270.#I#bought#

premium#Ballistic#Tipped#bullets.#I#went#to#the#rifle#range#and#
practiced#a#lot.#I#was#READY!#
Many#people#warned#me#not#to#get#too#ambitious#and#reminded#
me,#more#than#once,#than#many#people#go#years#and#years#
without#even#seeing#a#deer,#let#alone#a#nice#buck.#(We#call#this#
managing#expectations#in#my#line#of#work.)#Fine,#I#understood#
that,#but#I#wanted#to#increase#my#odds#of#success#in#every#way#
possible.#
It#was#finally#almost#here,#opening#day#was#just#a#few#short#days#
away.#Unfortunately,#two#small#problems#arose.#Dave#was#being#
forced,#under#duress,#to#attend#a#wedding.#(Hunters#HATE#Fall#
weddings.)#Genaro#had#a#family#medical#emergency.#Neither#of#
these#two#experienced#hunters#were#going#to#be#able#to#make#
opening#day.##Well,#after#all#this#planning#and#dreaming,#I#was#
going!#
Saturday#morning#arrived.#I#woke#up,#packed#and#hit#the#road#at#
3:45#AM#to#make#the#two#hour#drive#and#give#myself#plenty#of#time#
to#get#in#the#stand.#I#arrived#and#immediately#headed#to#the#
worlds#crappiest#platform#blind,#which#I#had#built#between#two#
trees.#(It#was#about#five#feet#off#the#ground#and#leaning#about#150
degrees.)#I#climbed#up,#sat#down#and#waited.#After#all#this#time#
and#all#the#dreams#and#preparation,#I#was#finally,#officially#deer#
hunting.#I#was#stoked.#
Not#20#minutes#after#sun#up,#I#caught#a#split0second#glimpse#of#a#
big#deer#running#through#a#neighbors#field.#Very#cool.#Nothing#like#
seeing#game.#After#about#an#hour,#I#realized#the#human#butt#is#
not,#after#all,#a#good#cushion#for#prolonged#sitting#on#15#degree0
angled0wood.#I#had#not#thought#to#bring#a#cushion#or#small#
chair.#It#was#just#my#butt,#a#couple#of#layers#of#clothing#and#an#
exceeding#hard#piece#of#pine#that#apparently#had#dreams#of#
becoming#a#proctologist#when#it#grew#up.#
With#my#lower#back#and#posterior#screaming,#I#had#to#move.#
Stretching#my#feet#was#not#helping#any#more.#The#only#thing#I#
could#really#do#was#turn#around#and#face#the#other#direction#for#a#
while.#Under#my#breath,#I#cursed#all#2x4's#and#made#a#mental#

note#to#buy#a#cushion.#
An#hour#and#20#minutes#into#my#first#ever#deer#hunt,#I#saw#it.#
Slinking#along#the#underbrush#of#Creek##1#was#a#deer.#A#really#
big#deer.#It#just#appeared.#This#was#sooo#cool.#It#was#a#doe,#so#I#
just#watched#(there#was#no#doe#season).#When#she#moved#
behind#a#tree,#I#lifted#my#rifle#so#I#could#look#at#her#through#the#
scope.#This#was#soooo#cool.#Upon#studying#her#head,#I#noticed#
she#had#two#little#bumps.#That's#odd#I#thought.#Then#it#hit#me.#
This#is#a#buck#and#the#little#bumps#are#small#(like#the#end#of#your#
pinky#fingers)#antlers.#
I#had#sighted#in#this#rifle#2.5#high#at#100#yards#with#premium#
grade#ammo#so#Id#be#good#to#go#out#to#300#yards.#The#irony#of#
this#did#not#hit#me#until#after#I#shot#the#buck#at#the#impressive#
distance#of#47#feet.#At#that#range,#I#think#the#muzzle#blast#literally#
scared#him#to#death#with#the#bullet#catching#up#after#the#fact.#
Wow#I#thought.#I#killed#a#deer.#I#actually#just#killed#a#deer!#He#
had#nothing#as#far#as#head#gear#but#he#was#huge.#Not#sure#why#
everyone#warned#me#about#how#long#this#would#take.#It#was#fairly#
easy:#Climb#in#stand,#wait#an#hour,#shoot#deer,#go#home.#
In#spite#of#my#interviews,#reading#and#dreaming,#my#education#
was#about#to#begin.#Theory#was#about#to#be#trumped#by#
application.#(FYI:#hands0on#experience#ALWAYS#wins#over#
theory).#Over#the#next#4.5#hours,#many#lessons#were#learned.#To#
share#the#wealth#of#my#knowledge#and#perhaps#make#this#easier#
for#someone#else#in#the#future,#Ive#included#these#lessons#
below.####
Lesson##1#0#Deer#are#heavy.###
Lesson##2#0#A#deer#will#increase#in#weight#by#approximated#50%#
upon#dying.#This#is#counter#intuitive,#but#the#life0force#of#living#
animals#is#apparently#made#of#anti0matter.#Upon#leaving#the#body,#
it#no#longer#counter#balances#the#true#weight#of#the#animal.#This#is#
the#scientific#explanation#behind#the#term#dead#weight.#
Lesson##3#0#There#is#not#one,#good,#convenient#place#to#hold#onto#
a#large,#nearly#antlerless#deer.#The#head#is#bumpy#with#no#good#
handles.#(Having#later#killed#bucks#withantlers,#I#realize#that#is#the#

biological#purpose#of#them:#handles.)#Dragging#it#by#the#front#legs#
results#in#the#head#catching#on#everything#attached#to#the#forest#
floor#within#100#sq.#ft.#of#the#body.#Dragging#by#the#rear#legs#and#
against#the#grain#of#the#hair#increases#friction#by#approximately#
370%.#
Lesson##4#0#There#are#places#on#bucks#you#should#never#touch.#
While#experimenting#with#the#best#way#to#drag#a#dead#deer#(see#
Lesson##3),#I#grabbed,#firmly#and#with#both#bare#hands,#the#tarsal#
glands#on#the#inside#of#the#back#legs.#Of#course,#I#did#not#know#
what#these#were#called#or#where#they#were#located#at#the#time.#I#
missed#that#one#in#the#books.#(For#readers#who#do#not#know,#
tarsal#glands#are#on#the#inside#of#a#buck's#legs.##They#urinate#
directly#on#these#when#marking#scrapes,#etc.#They#are#oily#and#
smell#worst#than#an#old#lady's#house#full#of#27#cats#with#urinary#
tract#infections.#
Lesson##5#0#You#cannot#wipe#tarsal#gland#scent#off#your#hands.#
Do#not#even#bother#trying.#The#skin#has#to#die#and#slough#off.#A#
belt#sander#might#speed#the#cleansing#process.#
Lesson##6#0#Like#with#dog0years,#there#is#a#multiplier#that#needs#
to#be#taken#into#consideration#when#determining#distances#before#
and#after#killing#a#deer.#The#kill#took#place#approximately#1/3rd#of#
a#mile#from#camp.#The#distance#I#had#to#drag#the#deer#back#to#
camp#was#approximately#8.7#miles.#The#technical#term#for#this#
phenomenon#is#deer0miles.#
Lesson##7#0#Do#not#waste#your#time#trying#to#build#a#deer0drag0
cart#out#of#two#mismatched#2x4s,#some#rope#and#the#plastic#
wheels#off#of#a#decommissioned#gas#grill.#It#will#not#work.#The#
deer#will#slip#off#the#2x4s#several#times#into#the#mud#before#the#
plastic#wheels#break.#
Lesson##7.5#0#Mud#adds#dramatically%to#the#weight#of#a#dead#
deer.#
Lesson##8#(Stated#in#the#form#of#a#word#problem)#0#How#long#will#it#
take#a#147#pound,#56,#34#year#old,#inexperienced,#slightly#out0of0
shape#male#to#drag#a#dead,#ungutted,#nearly#antlerless#buck#1/3rd#
of#a#mile#(8.7#deer#miles),#slightly#uphill,#through#mud#and#

heavy#brush#after#failing#to#build#a#deer0drag0cart#out#of#2x4s#and#
plastic#wheels?##Please#show#your#work.#
A.##30#minutes#
B.##2.5#hours#
C.##4#hours#
D.##All#day#
#(Answer#=#B)#
Lesson##9#0#Deer#should#be#gutted#as#soon#as#possible.#Bad#
things#happen#in#the#GI#tract#if#you#wait#approximately#2.5#hours.#
("Bad#things"#is#defined#as#a#face#full#of#bowel#gas#upon#opening#
up#the#deer.)#
Lesson##10#0#You#will#become#angry#when#trying#to#call#friends#on#
a#cell#phone#for#real0time#deer#cleaning#advice.#They#will#NOT#
believe#that#you#killed#a#deer#on#your#first#deer#hunt#and#will#not#
believe#you#are#so#naive#as#to#have#to#call#someone#to#talk#you#
through#it.#Be#prepared#for#this#emotion.&#(Thanks#again,#Tim!)#
Lesson##11#0#It#is#impossible#to#keep#sticks,#branches,#dirt,#debris,#
ants#and#sweat#out#of#the#first#deer#you#are#trying#to#clean#while#
the#ungutted#deer#is#on#the#ground#having#expired#about#three#
hours#beforehand.#The#hide#you#very#carefully#peel#back#to#keep#
the#meat#off#of#the#ground#will#shrink.#One#look#into#the#cooler#at#
the#victim#and#the#butcher#stated,#Im#going#to#have#to#charge#
you#an#extra#clean#up#fee.#I#did#not#protest.#
Lesson#11.5#0#The#going#rate#for#an#extra#clean#up#fee#is#$20.#
Lesson##12#0#The#human#lower#spine#can#only#take#so#much#
abuse.#After#sitting#for#1#hour#and#20#minutes#on#an#unimproved#
piece#of#pine,#dragging#a#dead#deer#for#2+#hours#in#3010#
increments#for#a#1/3rd#of#a#mile#(8.7#deer#miles)#and#leaning#over#
a#dead#deer#for#2+#hours#trying#to#clean#it#while#keeping#out#the#
debris,#my#back#was#literally#killing#me.#I#could#barely#move#or#
stand#upright.#
Lesson##13#0#It#is#barely#possible#to#dig#a#hole#for#the#guts#without#
moving#your#lower#back.#I#could#put#pressure#on#the#shovel#and#
get#some#dirt#in#it,#but#could#not#bend#over#to#lift#it#and#dump#it#
out.#It#is#best#to#use#the#outside#of#your#foot#to#sorta#flick#the#dirt#

out#while#standing#straight#up#like#you#have#rods#in#your#spine.#
This#is#not#an#efficient#method#of#digging.#
Lesson##14#0#You#need#to#believe#your#buddy#when#you#call#to#tell#
him#you#finally#have#the#deceased#in#the#cooler#and#are#about#to#
leave#and#he#asks#about#the#head,#explaining#that#you#MUST#take#
it#with#you#or#youll#get#a#gigantic#ticket#from#the#game#warden#for#
not#having#proof#of#sex.#
Lesson##15#0#When#burying#the#remains#of#your#first#deer#in#a#
shallow#grave,#DO#NOT#put#the#severed#head#at#the#bottom#of#the#
hole#underneath#the#guts,#hide#and#two#feet#of#dirt.#It#is#much#
better#to#keep#the#proof#of#sex#with#the#body#of#the#deer.#As#an#
aside,#it#is#much#easier#to#dig#through#recently#disturbed#dirt#and#
ant/debris0covered#deer#guts#than#through#fresh,#virgin,#
undisturbed#soil.#
Lesson##16#0#Before#you#stop#at#Starbucks#in#Huntsville,#TX#to#get#
a#cup#of#coffee#for#the#road#and#to#clean#up#a#bit,#wash#off#most#of#
the#blood,#sticks,#debris#and#ants#at#the#camp,#not#in#their#
restroom.#
Lesson##17#0#When#you#go#into#Starbucks#looking#like#you#killed#a#
family#of#five#with#a#ball0peen#hammer,#people#will#give#you#a#wide#
berth.#
Lesson##18#0#Sticks,#branches,#dirt,#debris,#ants#and#sweat#do#not#
affect#the#taste#or#quality#of#the#sausage.#As#a#matter#of#fact,#this#
was#easily#the#best#venison#sausage#Ive#ever#had#in#my#life.#
Lesson##19#0#Four#wheelers#are#cheaper#than#spinal#fusion#
surgeries.#Im#now#the#proud#owner#of#a#Honda#Rancher.#
Lesson##20#0#Learn#from#your#mistakes,#share#them#with#others#
and#dont#be#afraid#to#laugh#at#yourself.!