INTRADA

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet

Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks
And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Oh me I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am
So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are
When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm
I know you will still love me the same
'Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it's evergreen
Baby your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand
But baby now
Place your head on my beating heart
That maybe we found love right where we are, oh
(Ah la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la)
So baby now
Oh darling, place your head on my beating heart
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh maybe we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are
Songwriters
SHEERAN, ED / WADGE, AMY
Published by
Read more: Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Loud Lyrics | MetroLyrics
1.
Self-Fulfillment Through Self-Realization as Man or Woman
Pathwork Guide Lecture No. 122 | February 07, 1964
Greetings, my dearest friends. God bless all of you. Blessed be this hour.
To fulfill one s life, one must fulfill one s self. Self-fulfillment or self-realiza
tion takes place on many levels and in many different areas of one s life. In orde
r to fulfill yourself, you need to find your primary vocation, develop it, grow
in and through it, and cultivate it in every possible respect. You also need to
find and develop all your potentials your individual assets as well as all the g
eneral human potentialities with which every living human being is fundamentally
endowed. It requires building up the personality and integrating the parts whic
h are free from obstructions into the rest of the personality. In order to do th
at, it is essential to find and transform the destructive aspects of oneself whi
ch obstruct true fulfillment. This is what is meant by self-fulfillment.
All who fulfill themselves contribute something to life. They enrich life not me
rely by using their vocational abilities but also through their ability to relat
e to other human beings and have fruitful contacts with them. As self-developmen
t proceeds, barriers fall; fear of others, and fear of oneself in connection wit
h others vanishes, and therefore true relatedness becomes possible.
Self-fulfillment also means something much more specific. Humanity consists of m
en and women. Human beings cannot reach self-fulfillment if they do not fulfill
their manhood or their womanhood. This must be the primary aim on which everythi
ng else is hinged either very directly or indirectly, which is why I want to dis
cuss this subject in more detail.
These lectures are predominantly destined for those of you who follow this path
of intensive self-development, and are meant to affect those areas in you which
are not accessible unless such a path is taken. Hence, many of my friends feel a
n inner echo and an understanding of these words which go beyond a mere intellec
tual and theoretical grasp of the subject. Sometimes this understanding comes on
ly a bit later, when the necessary layers of consciousness become free. However,
all those who do the deep inner work on their path can sooner or later make use
of these lectures in an entirely different way than those friends who merely li
sten and read the lectures. This difference is distinct and real, but can be asc
ertained only when you know both kinds of understanding. When the inner experien
ce of truth is lacking because self-development in its vital form is not practic
ed, these lectures may appear either as merely interesting or self-evident mater
ial, or far-fetched theory. When you allow yourself to be deeply affected inside
your being, then hearing the lecture is a helpful experience that enables you t
o further transcend yourself, to understand your problems in a more profound way
. Self-exploration makes forever new layers of your psyche accessible to your aw
areness. The lectures are directly aimed at these layers as they come up.
No path of self-realization can exist without bringing forth one s attitude toward
one s own manhood or womanhood, and one s approach and attitude to the opposite sex
. Many a different path is taken when a person wants to skirt around this issue,
hoping it can be avoided because it is so unpleasant to look at; even the most
obvious signs coming from the psyche are disregarded. The greater the resistance
to openly face a problem, the more important is it to do so.
You all know the common fact that all human beings possess both masculine and fe
minine traits. But there is still so much lack of clarity, so much confusion reg
arding this topic among almost all human beings. There are some people whose con
scious concepts are quite reasonable and truthful, but unconsciously almost all
human beings harbor some distorted ideas on this subject. These distorted concep
ts create fear of the other sex and fear of not fulfilling one s proper role as a
man or a woman. Such fears are quite naturally barriers that prevent relating to
the opposite sex, which is one of the important aspects of self-fulfillment. Re
lating to other human beings is always a gauge to one s own inner freedom and inte
gration. The relationship between the sexes, which is the most intense form of h
uman communication, is therefore even more influenced by inner conflict and stri
fe.
When a barrier exists to the opposite sex, a similar barrier must primarily exis
t to oneself regarding one s own sex. When a man fights against his own masculinit
y and is confused about it, a barrier is created which makes him fight against w
omen. The same applies, of course, to a woman. Age-old misconceptions handed dow
n from one generation to the next have a tragic influence on humanity, particula
rly in this respect. People either consciously or unconsciously reverse the fact
s into exact opposites; whatever is healthy, constructive, and good appears as u
ndesirable, and vice versa. Hence their attitude toward themselves is distorted
in this respect, and their entire value system suffers from unrealistic reflexes
. To be more specific, if the drive toward union is experienced a priori as some
thing wrong, it will inevitably discourage the healthy striving of the soul, so
that it will be confused about the union of its masculine and feminine sides and
will feel isolating separative tendencies as being more constructive or mature
than the unitive drive. Hence one fears all natural impulses toward union. One f
ears the self which produces the impulses and then, as a protection, one creates
a barrier to the opposite sex. This not only separates man from woman, but it s
plits the great cosmic force within, separating affection from the procreative u
rge. When human beings experience the sex force as something wrong, regardless o
f how unconscious this feeling may be, they must fear their own sex, fear themse
lves as men or women. They must distrust themselves in this respect. They can ne
ver afford to be free and spontaneous; instead they constantly hold themselves i
n check. How can true overall growth occur with such inner timidity and lack of
freedom? How can an entity learn an all-encompassing love which knows no barrie
rs?
The universe strives toward union in every possible respect. All
ature and all the forces within the human being reach out toward
vels of being. But where there is error and blindness, fear must
ence and consequently this universal flow must stop, and thereby
lted.
the forces of n
union on all le
come into exist
evolution is ha
One of the tragic human conflicts is that human beings desperately yearn for the
ir fulfillment as men and women through union with their counterparts, and often
equally desperately they flee from union in unreasonable fear. This fear, witho
ut which the tragic conflict would not exist, is unnecessary. It is as though na
ture constantly showed that the happiness of self-fulfillment is a part of life
which cannot be denied and should not be squashed. But humanity in its blindness
and false modesty does not understand. It misinterprets this benign voice that
invites it to follow its blissful destiny, and often ascribes it to the devil s tem
ptation. As long as human beings cannot discriminate between what is constructiv
e and destructive, they must be in a tragic and unnecessary conflict that obstru
cts their self-realization.
Life speaks so clearly, but human beings, impregnated with false concepts, do no
t hear or see. For example, my friends on the path experience again and again th
at whenever a real insight or deep recognition is made, a surge of new strength
and energy, joy of life, hopefulness and brightness come forth. And also, specif
ically, the erotic element manifests in this experience; it is an integral and i
nseparable part of the life force. So whenever you gain truth about yourself, a
channel opens within you, tuning you into this life-giving force. Only when misg
ivings, apprehension, and the old, as yet unresolved problems regain an upper ha
nd, will this channel close up, leaving you once again separate. Then stagnation
and gray hopelessness set in again. But when you move in truth, you are envelop
ed by and permeated with the vibrant, life-giving force that knows no barriers a
nd no fear.
When you ponder this phenomenon, you must come to the realization that what I sa
y here is truth. If truth brings eros, and eros brings union, and these three ma
ke fear, distrust and insecurity disappear, life s unity is plain to see and the u
ntruth of concepts which have bred separateness becomes evident. If you truly me
ditate on this topic you personally will make some very significant recognitions
.
The world harbors many untruthful ideas about what is specifically masculine and
feminine, making it even more difficult to overcome the basic fear of transcend
ing oneself in union with the other sex. Each sex feels unfairly put upon and re
sents its own supposed disadvantages, competing with the other sex for its advan
tages. Hence men secretly envy women for their privileged position of not having
to fight to quite the same degree as the man has to in order to survive. A man
feels that his responsibilities are heavier, that his failure to be successful i
s much more indicative of his personal failure and that more is expected of him.
Women, in turn, envy men their privileged position of having greater freedom, o
f being considered by the world as the superior sex. But these envies and resent
ments are superficial in comparison with the deeper fear of losing oneself.
Many distinctions between the sexes are arbitrary and unrealistic, but there are
also some which are true and are wholeheartedly embraced by the healthy person.
The more these true distinctions are embraced, the smaller is the barrier betwe
en the self and one s sexual role and, consequently, the more complete the union w
ith the opposite sex. Such lack of anxiety, lack of distrust and absence of barr
iers sets a healthy flow in motion which causes the entity to come out of itself
and be capable of the true relatedness which makes the distinctions and differe
nces disappear. In rare moments of bliss, this can be experienced right in this
life on earth. The disappearance of distinction between the sexes is not to be c
onfused with its distorted counterpart in which men become feminine and women ma
sculine. You all know that every divine truth can be distorted; so it is here. F
ear of one s own sex and therefore of the opposite sex leads one to level off the
difference by diminishing one s own masculinity and femininity and assuming the tr
aits of the very sex one fights against. However, embracing yourself as the sex
you represent
and consequently becoming more able to embrace the other sex makes
you more masculine or more feminine, unifies you through acceptance, understand
ing, strength, love, and truth.
To recapitulate: the fear of losing himself is the main barrier a man puts up ag
ainst his masculinity. He fears self-loss not only because the necessary discipl
ine of fulfilling his responsibilities in life appears as a disadvantage and sac
rifice and therefore as loss of self. He also fears having to let go of himself
in a full relationship. It seems to him that his discipline will have to be give
n up, which he considers perilous. Therefore, he is confused by thinking that he
has to choose between discipline and the ability to let go of himself. In his f
ear and misconception, he uses both in the wrong way. He holds on where letting
go would be productive and harmonious and he refuses discipline and self-respons
ibility where this would be functional for his self-realization. If one is out o
f kilter, one s entire inner balance must be upset. To the degree a man learns to
be responsible for himself in the true, deeper sense of the word, to that degree
must his fear of letting go of himself disappear; then letting go of himself an
d disciplining himself both function in a unifying way. Any person who remains i
solated behind barriers also practices both these inner activities of discipline
and letting go, but in reverse, which necessarily impedes self-fulfillment.
The same fear applies to a woman, but from a different angle. A woman fears the
apparent helplessness of giving herself up, of surrendering herself. She thereby
defeats her femininity and in the end becomes more helpless and dependent. The
more control she exerts, and the more false discipline she uses in order to prev
ent the dreaded self-loss, the weaker and more dependent she becomes on other le
vels of her personality. She either becomes emotionally dependent in her excessi
ve need of being loved and approved, or mentally dependent in order to excel ove
r others, or even physically and materially dependent. Her resourcefulness as a
human being suffers to the degree that she defeats and discourages the functioni
ng of her femininity. So she, too, fluctuates between discipline and letting go
of herself, exercising both in the wrong way and thereby prohibiting her self-fu
lfillment. When a man refuses responsibility, not only in his vocational or ever
yday life, but more specifically in his emotional life, out of fear of carrying
too great a burden, he burdens himself more and simultaneously isolates himself
from all that his spirit yearns for. When a woman refuses the apparent helplessn
ess of self-surrender by exerting an artificial and unhealthy control, she becom
es even more helpless, while at the same time isolating herself and forfeiting h
er destiny. For such is the spiritual law.
In a healthy state, the two primary aspects of discipline and of letting go
they
might well be termed as the prototypes of masculine and feminine aspects exist
in both sexes but are arrived at from opposite sides. When a man accepts his ful
l responsibility on all levels of his being, with all that this entails, he can
then let go of himself without danger. When a woman does not out of fear, pride,
and self-will fight her destiny, she must gain the strength and selfhood which
give her full security in herself. She finds herself by losing herself. He loses
himself by finding himself. And they are both the same!
When discipline and letting go of oneself occur through wisdom, truth, strength,
freedom, and love, the result is unity and self-fulfillment. Harmony with the u
niversal forces is established; continuous supply of the life force regenerates
and unifies all levels of the personality. When discipline and letting go of one
self occur through blindness, weakness, fear, lack of inner freedom, and error,
the result must be separateness and stagnation.
These two principles might be visualized as the primary motivating cosmic forces
of the human entity. It all depends on the manner in which they are used. The d
isharmony caused by the misuse of these forces creates unrest and inner worry. F
or the deep knowledge that the soul cannot fulfill itself to its maximum potenti
al, that it is missing out on what is available for all beings, can never be ent
irely squelched. It is only a question of understanding the inner message.
These words are, of course, very theoretical and abstract; just reading or heari
ng them merely opens you up to a philosophical concept. But when you are serious
ly engaged in doing the pathwork, you will fill in the gaps by deep personal exp
erience of how these words apply to you, in what way, and why. Many of my friend
s have already made very important recognitions in this respect.
The masculine and feminine principles of discipline and strength versus self-sur
render and letting go of the self meet in the last analysis and become one. Each
becomes the other and each helps the other to integrate more fully and harmonio
usly. Through healthy strength, flexible discipline, and mature self-responsibil
ity the entity becomes strong enough not to fear self-surrender, and wise enough
not to do so indiscriminately. Through healthy, relaxed openness and outgoingne
ss, the personality finds the strength and discipline required to live productiv
ely in union, by living self-sufficiently as an individual.
To begin establishing this benign cycle of interflowing movement between the mas
culine and the feminine principles, you have to determine your specific fears fi
rst. This is not always easy, for they are so hidden. They manifest subtly and y
et distinctly once you begin to be aware of them. Try to ascertain to what exten
t and in what respect you fear and resent the role of your own sex, and therefor
e avoid contact with the opposite sex. Examine what you believe are the injustic
es, which you unconsciously exaggerate in order to hold on to yourself, so as no
t to risk the danger of self-forgetting. This is a much more fundamental aspect
of the problem than the more superficial rebellion against sexual injustice. Try
to reach the level of awareness in which a much deeper fear of losing yourself
exists. Once you are aware of it, you can truly examine and overcome the obstruc
ting fear which divides you within yourself.
You may well argue that it is justified to be on guard. Aren t many people out to
take advantage of one s love, or one s need to love and be loved? Doesn t self-forget
ting create stronger needs which may be frustrated? Does this not mean more int
ense pain when rejection occurs? The answer to the first question is yes. It is
true that many people are too childishly selfish not to abuse openness and outg
oingness, especially if the latter is blind and comes from wishful thinking. The
answer to the other two questions is no. Healthy involvement does not bring mor
e pain than isolation. Fulfilling one s needs only partially does not make them mo
re stringent than when they are denied altogether.
There is a never-failing key to this problem however, which, when used, will eli
minate the conflict. It makes possible to use cautious wisdom while not having t
o hold on to yourself and thus restrain your best qualities and outgoing forces.
Once you have found and used this key, your life must change drastically. The k
ey is the willingness to see the reality, even if you do not welcome it.
If you are unaware of your needs or their intensity because you have displaced t
hem, this blindness to them must make you equally blind to other people around y
ou who are supposed to fulfill your needs. Using this key is nowhere near an ins
urmountable feat. It is very possible to utilize it. Becoming aware of your need
s and their original direction and force directly leads you to an awareness of h
ow much others are capable or willing to fulfill them. If you can face these fac
ts, being able to first stand the possible frustration of your will, then wisdom
and perception of truth will forever be your guiding lights, showing you to wha
t extent it is reasonable and productive in any given instance to have expectati
ons, and therefore to let go of yourself. Basically, most human beings fight, of
ten blindly, against four inner conditions. These are: (1) the lack of awarenes
s of real and specific needs; (2) the extent and urgency of such needs; (3) the
frequent lack of awareness of specifically who is supposed to fulfill the needs
and in what particular way, since all the original desires have been displaced;
(4) the extent of the ability or disability, the willingness or unwillingness, o
f the other person to satisfy your needs to the full extent. Because you do not
have clarity on these four points, your relationships become fraught with fricti
on, with misunderstandings, with hurts, with real or imagined rejections. This m
ust lead to withdrawal in one form or another. Yet, if you are aware of these fo
ur aspects, even if only to a partial degree, you will become instantly capable
of evaluating the interaction between yourself and the others in question. The i
ntensity of your need may not be automatically diminished, but to the degree tha
t you are aware of your need, it will become bearable. As it becomes bearable, y
ou no longer need illusion and wishful thinking. You can look the truth in the f
ace and accept what is, no matter how imperfect or how far it is from what you w
ish at present. Your blind needs issue blind, unconscious demands which are ofte
n quite impossible to fulfill. The moment you are aware of your need, you can al
so envisage the fact that someone else may be personally unsuited for filling yo
ur need and you may relinquish your demands. No longer displacing your needs wil
l generally mature you sufficiently to be able to tolerate frustration if need b
e. This discipline of self-awareness and the self-responsibility of facing the r
eal situation makes you grow; it inevitably increases your self-respect, self-li
king, and gives you a sense of security in yourself.
Apart from the frequent unreasonableness of unconscious excessive demands on you
r part, it may also happen that your demands are in themselves quite reasonable,
but other people may be driven into a different direction and are incapable of
fulfilling them. This has nothing to do with rejecting you. Once you truly see t
he truth and gain the insight into these interplays, the freedom you will have g
ained cannot be measured in words. Your ability to observe yourself and conseque
ntly others in a spirit of objective detachment, ascertaining trouble spots with
out guilt or anger, is the healthiest way conceivable of practicing discipline a
nd self-responsibility. In this way you can face the reality of the relationship
in question and your fear will vanish. If you can accept a no without becoming an
angry or hurt child within yourself, then your independence and self-respect sh
ould consistently grow and give you sufficient security to truly let go to an ex
tent that is the appropriate and healthy one at any given phase of your life. Th
e limits, however, are not set by mechanisms of fear and distrust, but are simpl
y one s presently active potentials in this respect. Your present readiness to tol
erate the frustration of your will and to relinquish it if need be, together wit
h your ability to face what is, rather than closing your eye in wishful thinking
and persisting in applying a forcing current because you do not wish to give up
your will, as well as your capacity to objectively evaluate the unreasonablenes
s of your demands, will open the flow of true relating.
So, my friends, let us briefly recapitulate: self-fulfillment is dependent on fu
lfilling yourself as a man or a woman. Both manhood and womanhood can only be fu
lfilled by recognizing your barriers to and fears of the full functioning of you
r manhood or womanhood. This recognition will make it clear that the barrier to
the other sex must go. In order to accomplish this, determine and experience the
extent of your fear or your holding back which are a result of your blindness a
nd unwillingness to objectively evaluate others and yourself. Even those who are
most actively engaged in the work of this path and have made most remarkable pr
ogress are as yet utterly unaware of the strength of their unreasonable demands
and commands that, like the rest of humanity, they issue into their surroundings
. It is all so easily rationalized, covered up, explained away. But if you can o
nly bear to look at the raw demands you issue forth, if you can just face that,
my dearest friends, you will no longer fear the demands others make on you becau
se then, and only then, can you cope with them. If you can look at these raw dem
ands of yours with a little laughter at your childishness, you can begin to eval
uate the situation in relation to reason, justice, and fairness. A large step wi
ll be taken forward if this capacity is acquired; a step leading directly to fre
edom from fear, distrust, insecurity, isolation, separateness, and stagnation. S
uch objectivity must open the door to full relating and living, to that immeasur
able happiness which every individual human soul so desperately yearns for.
I cannot emphasize strongly enough that you need to look at your demands without
excuses. Then you will be able to withstand the demands of others. Do you not k
now that your unconscious excessive demands make you prone to the unconscious ex
cessive demands of others? And these two forces make a real relatedness absolut
ely impossible. For as long as lack of awareness of one s own needs creates excess
ive one-sided demands, disappointment and fear must create a barrier of separate
ness. Follow through this sequence, my dearest friends.
Are there any questions?
QUESTION: Our demands are so hard to find. We all know that we have them, and y
et it is very hard to find what they are.
ANSWER: It is not as hard as you think if you approach it in the following way:
Whenever there is friction between you and others, look at your naked feelings
by asking yourself what you expect of the other, what you would want, or what y
ou fear that they would demand or want from you. If you look at confused, distur
bed, and disharmonious feelings, you must dare to let out the irrational and hav
e the courage to allow your unreasonable inner child to manifest on the surface.
To the extent you can do so, you will gain information about your innermost sel
f, unadorned by superimposed rationalizations. In this way you will find your de

mands and be able to subsequently come to terms with them. Face your anger about
the fact that your demands often remain unfulfilled. Also face your apprehensio
n of other people s demands on you which may vaguely feel like a stream rushing to
ward you. The more you realize what your own demands are, the better you can cop
e with those silent, subtle currents of demands flowing toward you which in the
past have made you compulsive, guilty, confused, and wavering.
A disharmonious mood will so often yield information about unconscious needs and
demands, either your own or those of others you feel you cannot cope with. Some
times both occur. It is impossible to cope with something whose existence one co
nsciously ignores and only feels it as a dull, vague force. The minute you can p
inpoint in clear-cut terms what you previously did not dare to acknowledge becau
se it was uncomfortable or beneath your dignity to do so, you will become strong
and capable. The procedure is simple, provided you take the daring step to own
up to your unreasonable feelings and requests, your unfair demands, and your chi
ldish selfishness. Let the irrational voice reach your surface awareness. View i
t with a little distance and detachment and a maximum of honesty. You are all so
indoctrinated with a compulsion to cover up this little voice. Relatedness, the
true flow of union, is determined directly by the following chain-reaction: fa
cing the selfish, greedy child within you brings liberation, dignity, and streng
th which, in turn, makes it possible to relate in the most satisfying way. Thus
you will truly become men and women, each fulfilling the destiny of your own sex
.
The factors discussed in this lecture appear to be far apart from one another. O
n the one hand, I discussed self-fulfillment in a cosmic sense; on the other, I
spoke about the immediacy of the selfish child dwelling to some extent in all in
dividuals. But these two aspects of human life are so interwoven, so interconnec
ted! Only when you honestly face this inner little child, as it truly exists, c
an it begin to grow beyond itself and into its spiritual potentials. Its growth
will enable you to dare take personal risks. You will no longer have to hold on
to self-protective behavior in the pseudo-safety of isolation. However, you cann
ot risk revealing yourself if you cannot trust others. How can you trust others
if you do not even know what they ask of you and what you ask of them? And how
can you trust yourself if you persist in blinding yourself to your real needs, t
o your demands that come from the childish voice within you that keeps demanding
more, angrily and endlessly? Only when you know this aspect of yourself can yo
u trust yourself. Only when you perceive reality around you and in others, at le
ast as far as your needs are concerned, can you come to terms with reality and t
rust your ability to do so. When you are capable of enduring the frustration of
your will with equanimity and harmony, you can indeed trust life, and therefore
you can relate well to others and fulfill yourself. What is more, you are then e
quipped to find the partner you need because your eyes are open. You do not keep
them deliberately shut because you prefer to cling to a rosy illusion due to yo
ur unwillingness to tolerate frustration. So, my friends, look at this inevitabl
e chain reaction.
It would be useful if my friends participated more actively in the discussions f
ollowing the lectures. That you do not do so is to your detriment. Even if you h
ave not reached these specific levels of awareness in your private work, it is p
ossible to study the lectures and determine when you are confused and in what re
spect you remain unresponsive. Determining this will prove very revealing for yo
ur immediate problems. When you come with a question about something you do not
really understand, the answer may help to open the way. Even if there is no pers
onal inner response to something said in a lecture, that should not in the least
deter you from participating; quite to the contrary, it should furnish you with
material for participation.
Now, my dearest friends, study, meditate, and try to assimilate in your work the
material I have given to you. Even if you can experience these words only to a
partial extent, what you gain can still mean the beginning of a new life as well
as a new inner understanding of self-fulfillment. For only when you are fulfill
ed can you contribute to life in the true sense of the word. People can contribu
te to life through their work, but this still leaves something to be desired. So
me spark of aliveness will be missing if the self is not fulfilled. For this is
indeed the life-flow without which all actions, all contributions to living rema
in somewhat stale.
Be blessed, every one of you. Receive love and strength from the universal force
s which are all around you and deep within you, if you but tap this source throu
gh doing the inner work of such a path as this. Be in peace, be in God!
2.
18 Bible Verses about Loving Your Husband
1 Corinthians 7:1-40 ESV / 94 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: It is good for a man not to hav
e sexual relations with a woman. But because of the temptation to sexual immorali
ty, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husban
d should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husb
and. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband doe
s. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife
does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time
, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so tha
t Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ...
Genesis 2:24 ESV / 86 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife,
and they shall become one flesh.
1 Peter 3:1-22 ESV / 83 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not ob
ey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when
they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external th
e braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear b
ut let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable bea
uty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For thi
s is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting
to their own husbands, ...
Ephesians 5:22-24 ESV / 78 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head
of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself i
ts Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in e
verything to their husbands.
Proverbs 31:11-31 ESV / 59 helpful votes
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
es him good, and not harm, all the days
d works with willing hands. She is like
r food from afar. She rises while it is
ehold and portions for her maidens. ...
1 John 4:12 ESV / 54 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful

and he will have no lack of gain. She do
of her life. She seeks wool and flax, an
the ships of the merchant; she brings he
yet night and provides food for her hous
Helpful Not Helpful
No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love
is perfected in us.
Titus 2:4-5 ESV / 45 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-con
trolled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that
the word of God may not be reviled.
Titus 2:1-15 ESV / 42 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine. Older men are to be sobe
r-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastn
ess. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slav
es to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to
love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home,
kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be rev
iled. ...
1 Peter 4:8 ESV / 36 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of s
ins.
1 Corinthians 13:13 ESV / 35 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is lo
ve.
Hebrews 13:4 ESV / 34 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled,
for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 ESV / 34 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy
gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all my
steries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, b
ut have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up m
y body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind
; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on
its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ...
Ephesians 5:22-25 ESV / 27 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head
of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself i
ts Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in e
verything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the chur
ch and gave himself up for her,
Helpful Not Helpful
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and
he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he w
ill also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Deuteronomy 24:1-4 ESV / 20 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes b
ecause he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of di
vorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs ou
t of his house, and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, and the latter m
an hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and
sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his w
ife, then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be hi
s wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord.
And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the Lord your God is giving you f
or an inheritance.
Titus 2:4 ESV / 17 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
And so train the young women to love their husbands and children,
Romans 1:26-2:1 ESV / 13 helpful votes
Helpful Not Helpful
For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women excha
nged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewi
se gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one a
nother, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the d
ue penalty for their error. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, G
od gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were fil
led with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are ful
l of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers,
haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to pa
rents, ...
Helpful Not Helpful
For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

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Unless otherwise indicated, all content is licensed under a Creative Commons Att
ribution License. All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are take
n from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright 2001 by Crossway Bible
s, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Contact me: openbibleinfo (at)
gmail.com. Cite this page: Editor: Stephen Smith. Publication date: Aug 7, 2015
. Publisher: OpenBible.info.
I Love You Messages for Husband: Unless you express your love for your husband,
he will never know how you feel for him. Sweet little things like leaving I Love
You notes in his shirt pocket, posting cute quotes on Facebook, sending I Miss
You texts while he is at work and sharing funny pins on Pinterest go a long way
in rekindling the romance in your marriage. Such romantic gestures can become th
e foundation of the intimacy in your relationship as husband and wife. If it is
a special occasion like your wedding anniversary or his birthday, go one step fo
rward and write a heartfelt message on a greeting card to profess your love for
him with style and grandeur.
1) Every single day that I spend being your wife, I realize how lucky I am to li
ve such an amazing life. I love you.
2) If my life was a ship, you would be the anchor that holds me in place and the
sails which take me on a beautiful journey. I love you.
3) My life s biggest security is not just in loving you, but in knowing that you w
ill always be there to love me back no matter what. I love you baby.
4) It doesn t matter who the boss of this house is, as long as we end the day with
a romantic kiss. I love you.
5) If my life were a business, entering into an unconditional and irrevocable pa

rtnership with you has been the most profitable decision ever. I love you.
Cute love message for husband
6) Your love for me is flawless, your commitment impeccable. Your only concern i
s my happiness, you make me feel so special. I love you.
7) Amidst the suffocation caused by life s problems, your love comes as a breath o
f fresh air. I love you.
8) My life s biggest achievement is that I get to be with an awesome man like you
every day. I love you.
9) There should have been a cautionary warning below your name in our marriage c
ertificate that reads
Beware of Hot Husband. I love you.
10) Hours, days, months, years and decades can go by, but I will never forget th
e moment when you held me in your arms, looked into my eyes and whispered I Love
You in my ears it still gives me the shivers. I love you.
Greeting card message to say I love you to husband

11) From all of life s troubles, you have given me bail. My life has become, a lov
ely fairytale. I love you.
12) I could easily say that I love you to death, but I really want to live forev
er to love you eternally.
13) Much more than just attraction, lust and passion, our marriage embodies hone
sty, care and affection. Love you.
14) The best part of our marriage is that the look in your flirty eyes still mak
es me feel like the most beautiful girl alive. I love you.
15) Who cares if opposites attract or not? Even if we weren t opposites, I would ve
still loved you a lot.
3.
Relationship with a spouse or partner
While people are being treated for cancer they may be too ill to look after them
selves and become dependent on their spouse or partner for help with personal ca
re as well as household tasks. Many people said their spouse or partner had been
supportive and looked after them while they were ill. A woman with ovarian canc
er said that her husband had gradually taken over more household tasks and event
ually accepted the need to get outside help. Some said their relationship had be
come stronger or they were closer as a result of the illness; Diane says her hus
band has become more protective of her. Several said that there had been no effe
ct on their relationship, which had continued the same as before the illness.
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She says that being diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukaemia one year into her m
arriage altered the dynamic of the relationship but her husband looked after her
very well.
Show Text VersionPrint transcript
Having cancer can put a strain on the relationship with a spouse or partner, par
ticularly where the partner has had to assume a caring role as well as coping wi
th the emotional impact of the illness, and some people we spoke to said there h
ad been relationship difficulties. For instance, those who said their partner wa
s struggling to cope with the impact of the illness sometimes said that it made
it more difficult for them to cope themselves. A woman living beyond colorectal
cancer said that her partner s way of coping had been to go to the pub every eveni
ng during her illness; he moved into the spare bedroom so that she would sleep be
tter but he still sleeps there now, which upsets her greatly. Christopher said th
at he had been so focused on his prostate cancer that he hadn t paid as much atten
tion to his wife as he should.
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Carole developed depression after her breast cancer, which altered her behaviour
towards her husband; he found this difficult to deal with but they have since r
estored their normal relationship.
A woman whose kidneys had been damaged by ovarian cancer treatment was living ap
art from her husband so that she could get dialysis on the NHS in the UK and he
could remain in paid work in Canada; they spoke on the phone every day.
Some people said that once they had recovered from their illness and were no lon
ger so dependent on their partner, there had been challenges in restoring equali
ty in their relationship. Sometimes people felt their personality had changed af
ter having cancer and this had altered the dynamics within their relationship. M
arilyn said that living with chronic leukaemia had made her more confident, whic
h was changing the dynamics of her marriage after 41 years. A man who had recove
red from testicular cancer suggested that couples might benefit from counselling
to help them renegotiate the terms of their relationship after cancer.
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Her husband had done everything for her while she was ill with ovarian cancer bu
t now that she was well he found it difficult to let go and still wanted to be i
n control of everything.
Unfortunately a few people we spoke to said that their long-term relationship ha
d broken down during or after their cancer. This is not unusual after having to
share the burden of potentially serious illness; dealing with such a challenge c
an reveal flaws in a relationship that had not been apparent before the illness.
Some people believed that their own emotional reaction to the illness had contri
buted to or caused the break up of their relationship. Alan (Interview 22) had b
ecome depressed and irritable during his colorectal cancer, thinking that he wou
ld never get well again; he said that this contributed in large part to the down
fall of his marriage.
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Having lymphoma made him really angry and he coped badly; he didn't accept offer
s of psychological help and his personality changed for five years or so, by whi
ch time his wife had left him.
Some relationships broke up during the illness because the person s partner didn t f
eel able to provide the necessary support.
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His long-term girlfriend gave him no support at all after his testicular cancer
diagnosis and made it quite clear that she no longer wanted to be with him.
Other relationships remained intact until the person with cancer was well again
before breaking up. It was common in these relationships for partners to remain
supportive throughout the illness but to leave once the person with cancer had r
ecovered sufficiently to no longer be dependent upon them. Julie s partner had sup
ported her throughout her leukaemia treatment but their relationship broke up af
ter she came home from a long period in hospital. She explained' It was just that
the leukaemia had held us together for so long, and we were arguing and things
and we just felt that it was a time to part . A man had a physical relationship wi
th a woman throughout his penile cancer treatment but they are now just great fri
ends .
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Ann says that in hindsight her husband didn't cope well with her leukaemia; he l
eft her just as she was getting better after a stem cell transplant.
Six years after being treated for cervical cancer, a woman developed a pain in h
er uterus which she attributed to a possible recurrence, but it wasn t. It was at
that point that her husband decided he could not cope with the prospect of suppo
rting her through cancer treatment again, so he left. A woman who was living wit
h chronic myeloid leukaemia said that, having supported her before their marriag
e, her husband changed his behaviour towards her and tried to stop her doing thi
ngs she believed were helping her to stay well; she asked him to leave.
Several people said they had felt anxious about the prospect of seeking a new pa
rtner, assuming that no-one would want them because of their cancer history and
its physical impacts, such as loss of reproductive organs. A woman treated for c
ervical cancer had continual vaginal bleeding while taking hormone therapy, so c
ouldn t contemplate starting a new physical relationship during that time; the ble
eding has since stopped and she feels ready for a new relationship.
Some people had entered a new relationship since their cancer experience and sai
d that their new partner was understanding and supportive. Judging when to discl
ose information about the cancer and its effects could be tricky. Some people sa
id they told their new partner about it early on before things got serious in ca
se they were rejected because of it. Steve explained to his friend that he d had s
urgery for penile cancer before asking her to marry him; he was relieved that sh
e didn t knock him back .
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Her new partner is understanding about her past cervical cancer; she tried to hi
de her fear of problems being found when he accompanied her to a check-up, in ca
se he panicked.
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Julie was nervous about telling her new partner that she'd had leukaemia treatme
nt which had made her infertile; she told him early in the relationship and he s
aid it didn't matter.
Please spare 10-15 minutes to complete our survey and help us understand our aud
ience better - click here.
4.
Definition Essay: Bravery
Some things are easy to understand and describe. A rose is a rose and a nose is
a nose after all. However, other concepts are more difficult to interpret. Trust
is one of these concepts. Understanding is another. Then again, bravery might b
e the most difficult word to comprehend. What makes one person brave and another
not? How can the word bravery be defined?
Many people hold a common misconception about bravery. They believe that bravery
is the same as being without fear. But being brave and being fearless are two d
ifferent things. Many people skydive, do public speaking, ask questions, or ente
r relationships not because they are unafraid but because they are willing to ov
ercome this fear. Or perhaps they are willing to go ahead despite the butterflie
s in their stomachs. To some, this is a foreign concept that prevents them from
trying new things. However, others understand that bravery is being terrified and
doing it anyway, as Laurell K Hamilton said. Being brave is ignoring fear for a
moment and carrying on.
5.
Bravery is also closely tied to selflessness. The book Divergent by Veronica Rot
h describes bravery as being the ultimate selfless action. The lead character st
ates that selflessness and bravery aren t all that different. Bravery is when you pu
t yourself in danger to help or protect another. Mothers are brave when they giv
e up sleep in order to comfort their child. Teachers are brave when they give up
their own time to improve their teaching. Firemen are brave when they rush into
a building to save someone trapped inside. Bravery is taking a risk to give som
ething of yourself in order to make life easier for another.
Above all, bravery is instinctual. It is something that cannot really be thought
through. Oftentimes, bravery is a spur-of-the-moment emotion that leaves little
time to think your actions and consequences through. Brave people don t hesitate.
They can leap forward when others are still working their way through a problem
. In order to be brave, one should not overthink situations. It s an instinctive a
ction that just happens. If you talk to someone that has just performed a brave
act and ask them why they leapt into danger, their response is often
I don t know.
I just did it.
If there weren t any brave people, the world would be a much different place. Perh
aps it would be a sadder one, lacking in policemen and nurses. Bravery is essent
ial for humans to work together and for the world to continue to change and grow
.
Humans have been attracted by tales of bravery, heroism, courage from time immem
orial. It is something in out bent of mind which makes us admire the absurd, mak
es us stand up & take note of something which on the first look looks crazy, but
on further analysis throws up a story of grit and determination. It is this hum
an infatuation with the macho persona that made psychologists & behavioral scien
tists delve deeper into the behavioral attribute which mirrors this all: bravery
.
Bravery can be simply defined as being brave or possessing & displaying courage.
In heroic parlance, it's being able to face & deal with danger or fear without
flinching or batting an eyelid. Also known as Courage, fortitude, will, and intr
epidity it's been associated with various characters both in mythology & busines
s parlance. But it's not just their domain; the common man in his life time come
s across various such situations & more often than not displays varying degrees
of bravery & grit. It is this common man that I am interested in. Being brave do
esn't mean being fearless it rather means a person does what he should do, despi
te the literal Damocles sword on your head.
It is not much for human fancy but for the very fact that bravery is an attribut
e very necessary for the smooth functioning of the human world today, has height
ened its importance for psychologists. You take the case of a policeman standing
up to criminals, naxals, or the common man in an office refusing bribes or the
case of a woman braving chauvinistic males to rise up the corporate ladder, in a
ll these cases we find how the world survives because of a few individuals who f
ind inherent courage to brave odds and emerge successful. It suffices to say tha
t bravery as a behavioral trait is highly alluring, and people tend to look in a
we at those who visibly possess it, but what we should realize is bravery is som
ething which is inherent & comes in differing forms & origins; hence its study h
as to encompass all such factors. Bravery in its various forms after all keeps u
s going, keeps this world inhabitable.
CONCEPTUAL FRAMEWORK
Bravery is a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without s
howing fear, but one often misconceived notion of people is that being brave mea
ns being fearless. Being brave doesn't me you don't fear the adversity; it means
you have the strength of will to overcome whatever fear you have.
Bravery as a concept can apply to a fairly large number of instances, therefore
a quick classification of bravery will help us look at its various aspects in gr
eater detail:
Physical bravery: It entails acting or doing something in spite of possible harm
that can occur to one's body. The heroic stories of the past or the instances w
here we act for our beliefs even in the face of physical danger are a typical ex
ample of this.
Moral bravery: It involves acting in a manner that will enhance or reinforce one
s beliefs to be good and true. This basically is in face of social disapproval a
nd other forms of backlash. In today's world, it symbolizes standing up against
the over jealous khaps or the moral police.
Psychological bravery: It deals with acting against one's own natural urges & in
clinations, facing our inner demons & overcoming them. This generally doesn't ha
ve any societal moral implication. Examples of this can be overcoming one's addi
ctions like drugs, tobacco addictions etc.; getting over irrational anxieties &
forms of parasitic relationships.
Basing on the above we reach at a working definition of bravery as:
"Bravery is a behavioral trait which allows us to overcome our inhibitions, our
inner fears & gives us the strength to do what we feel is right, irrespective of
any form of backlash. It is something which imbibes in us a sense of self-belie
f which can make us scale mountains & do things which we believed we never could
."
Review of Literature:
Instances of bravery have been documented in various books relating to wars & co
rporate moves. "Number the stars" which won the Newbery Medal in 1990, tells the
story of two ten year old girls, whose homeland is occupied by Nazi Germany dur
ing the second world war, it documents the hardships they faced & the courage sh
own by their parents in shielding one of them(who was a jew) from the nazis. Bro
adly it describes the condition of the entire Danish countryside. It is a story
of grit & determination shown in face of unfathomable risk. [1]
In the corporate world we have the example of Citibank CEO Vikram Pandit. He is
a true visionary, brave man who took over as the head of citi group during the c
redit crunch period. With steely resolve, Pandit wrote down billions of dollars,
closed scores of branches, jettisoned parts of the business, cut dividends, and
slashed jobs. He wasn't done yet. Next, he tapped the sovereign wealth funds in
the Gulf and Asia for nearly $30 billion, set up a new risk-management team. He
also cut the bank's exposure to the risky sub-prime market. All these measures
were never easy to take, some unpopular others highly risky, it needed a man of
steely character, & Mr. Pandit was just that. [2]
"Matterhorn," is about a company of Marines who
tpost on a remote hilltop in Vietnam. The story
f a young second lieutenant, Mellas, who joined
uely patriotic reasons that are quickly left in
.[3]
build, abandon, and retake an ou

is told from the point of view o
the Marines for confused and vag
tatters by military incompetence
One of the "ten most famous battles " of the world. A handful of Sikh soldiers21 to be exact - of the 4th Battalion of the Sikh Regiment (then XXXVI Sikh) for
med part of the British Indian Army and fought thousands of Pathans in the North
Western Frontier Province (now Pakistan). All 21 Sikh soldiers died in the batt
le as they fought to the last man and last bullet; but they did not yield even a
n inch of ground that they were defending. On learning of this glorious, gallant
and unparalleled action, members of both houses of the British Parliament rose
in unison to pay homage to the great Indian soldiers. Each one of the 21 soldier
s was posthumously awarded the Indian Order of Merit, the highest British gallan
try award then given to Indian (equivalent to the Victoria Cross awarded to the
British). [4]
Courage (shauriya) appears as one of the ten characteristics (lakshana) of dharm
a in the Hindu Manusmruti. Islam also presents courage as an important factor in
facing the Devil and in some cases Jihad to a lesser extent.
"Courage is the self-affirmation of being in spite of the fact of non-being. It
is the act of the individual self in taking the anxiety of non-being upon itself
by affirming itself ... in the anxiety of guilt and condemnation. ... Every cou
rage to be has openly or covertly a religious root. For religion is the state of
being grasped by the power of being itself." [5]
Empirical Study and Generalization:
I have followed the interview approach to study the behavioral traits of a few o
f my friends. I picked the people to interview on the basis of a few past events
, in which they exhibited bravery in one form or another. Each interviewee had a
different tale to tell, we will analyze their cases as we progress. The basic q
uestions which I put to them involved a gamut of objective & short answer questi
ons. Their responses were dully noted.
The following is the list of questions that I put to my interviewees, some of th
e questions differed in language when put to different interviewees. Due to pauc
ity of space I won't delve into the details of their cases.
Did you experience any form of an internal drive to act?
Was it because of the closeness with the person or was it a general sense of wro
ngdoing that drove you?
Were you certain of success before you acted upon your belief?
Would you describe yourself as fearless? If no then how come you overcame the fe
ar of failing?
Did you factor in the possibility of a backlash or any negative impact on your f
uture?
If you knew that the party was wrong in picking up the fight would you have stil
l saved them or would you have taken the moral high ground & stepped back?
Do you believe in taking risks?
Do you think your above trait has had an influence on your life, (success or the
lack of it etc.)?
When going on a leisure trip you find a person seriously wounded & people around
him/her having a verbal duel, would you
rush him/her to the hospital
try to solve the verbal duel 1st
mind you own business
Respondent no. 1
Case Prologue:
My friend Mr. X had been to a restaurant in Gurgaon along with his friends. Ther
e they saw a couple was being denied entry into the restaurant for no good reaso
n and the manager was even misbehaving with them. All of a sudden the manager su
mmoned the bouncers who manhandled the couple and were going to bash them up. My
friend X, along with his pals interfered, they were outnumbered, but eventually
they managed to save the couple. In the process though, X got a few blows & was
injured.
Interview Findings:
I will jot down the pertinent findings from the interview with Mr. X
I found that X intervened to save that guy because he believed that it was a cas
e of injustice & that someone should rise up to the occasion, since such an inci
dent can happen to nearly anyone.
X didn't know if he would succeed in saving the couple, but he knew if he tried
it would make a difference.
X realized that in process of rescuing the couple he & his friends might get phy
sically injured or face legal hurdles.
I found that X didn't think of himself as someone who was born fearless, X belie
ved that his sense of right & wrong egged him on.
X was basically a risk taking person, & he felt that his risk taking nature had
helped him overcome his inner demons.
Respondent no. 2
Case Prologue:
This person, Mr. Y, was a student of engineering, in a NIT. In his final year, a
friend of his (Mr. A) was accused of cyber-crime & data theft, he was heavily p
enalized by the institute Disciplinary Committee. Mr. Y along with his other fri
ends decided to protest this. They managed to get their entire batch together &
sat on a silent protest. The sheer magnitude of the protest made the Director of
the institute take note. After speaking with Mr. Y & his friends, he convened a
meeting of the Disciplinary Committee, and after a long-stretched process of re
investigation Mr. A was found guilty of a minor offence, the penalties were redu
ced proportionately.
Interview Findings:
The following are my findings from my interview with Mr. Y which are pertinent t
o us:
I found that Y acted not just because he could empathize with his friend, but be
cause he believed that the ruling was flawed, having not considered the evidence
s properly.
Y didn't know if he could make any difference to his friends' condition, but he
wanted to make the college administration aware of the real case. He believed in
a just trial.
Mr. Y knew pretty well that by making a stand, he and his friends risked being s
ingled out & the college administration could victimize them through unfair grad
ation etc. but they went on with their plan.
Mr. Y defended his friend since he knew that the case against him was amplified
in nature, the punishments & the charges were disproportionate. Had Mr. A actual
ly been guilty of all the charges, Y would never have taken up his case.
Mr. Y believed that it they had been pushed to the limit by the administration.
He felt that it wasn't their inherent fearlessness but the fact that pushed agai
nst the wall he & his friends didn't have a choice but to act.
I found that Mr. Y wasn't always a risk taking person, in fact he even narrated
how not taking a risk had affected his career, but in this situation he made an
exemption.
Respondent no. 3:
Case Prologue:
My friend Mr. Z was out with his girlfriend, they came across a case of eve-teas
ing, wherein a bunch of miscreants were misbehaving with two girls. The general
public was aloof to their plight. But Z intervened & tried rescuing the girls, i
n the ensuing tiff Z got injured, but seeing his courage the people around the s
cene also intervened & they chased away the miscreants.
Interviewing Z was quite an eye-opener, since he had risked not just his own saf
ety but also the safety of his girlfriend to rescue to unknown girls. The findin
gs are as follows:
I found that Z acted since he was both disgusted with the behavior of the bunch
of guys, and the public which was turning a blind eye to the plight of the helpl
ess girls.
Z knew that public follows a herd mentality, he knew that if he took a stand the
people around will follow sooner or later, luckily for him they joined in soon.
Z wasn't sure if he could take on the miscreants single handedly but he neverthe
less wanted to give it a try.
Mr. Z knew that getting engulfed in this issue might risk not just his safety bu
t that of his girlfriend also.
Mr. Z believed that he was quite a fearless person, & but he didn't believe in t
aking random risks, rather he was more of a pragmatist.
Generalization:
My interviews gave me an insight into the thinking process of the common man, wh
o could don the colors of the superhero & save the day for another commoner. In
reality he wasn't someone of superhuman strength but someone who:
Had a realistic sense of wrong & right.
Acted on his belief & didn't shriek away from making a stand
Wasn't by definition a risk loving person
Was a person who factored in the pros & cons of a situation, but invariably deci
ded to back his beliefs
Empathized with the person facing the repression.
Findings of the study and Generalization:
The findings of my study gave me a holistic idea of the situations which invoke
behavioral traits mirroring bravery in us. I will analyze the findings of my stu
dy in the following lines, and try to relate it to the various aspects of braver
y.
After going through the responses, I found that the most prevalent forms of brav
ery are
Physical Bravery
Moral Bravery
Psychological Bravery though important is something which I didn't directly find
in any of my test subjects, but I believe that this form of bravery is somethin
g which we all exhibit in our daily lives. When we get over the anxiety of the f
uture, we in some forms exhibit this, when we get over our fear of water & try t
o swim we exhibit this.
On basis of my interview the following components of bravery came up:
Empathy: The test subjects realized the pain & stigma that the party being subje
cted to repression underwent; their empathy drove them to act. It wasn't sympath
y or pity; it rather was the tacit realization that such a misfortune can beset
them also.
Clarity of thought: I found that in all of the cases, the respondents had a clea
r picture of what is right & what is wrong; they took the initiative because the
y believed that the other person was being wronged.
Self-belief/Confidence: All the respondents were to some degree or the other con
fident of their abilities. They believed in themselves & hence backed themselves
up. It was never a half-hearted attempt.
Risk appetite: I found that the risk taking ability of the person didn't have a
direct correlation with his readiness to exhibit acts of bravery. Hence this sha
tters the age old belief that brave people are those who are most comfortable wi
th taking risks.
Fearlessness: Though important, I found that being brave doesn't mean being fear
less, it's just that certain situations bring about a reaction in the subjects w
hich makes them appear fearless. But it's just the strength of their inner convi
ction, not fearlessness which makes them act.
Pragmatism: I found that today's brave were practical about the approach they fo
llowed, they measured the pros & cons of the situation and acted in a manner whi
ch would ensure the success of their mission best. They followed the more realis
tic path even if it were the less glamorous.
Implication of Group work:
As we can see, bravery or the lack of it influences the way a person behaves in
public to a great extent. I believe when in a group the following implications a
rise:
Groups tend to give the individual a sense of security, as in case of respondent
1, I think being in a group had its effect on his decision to act.
A brave person, I feel is an asset to have in your team for he/she would be an i
deal team-mate, one who is confident yet composed, one who is there to hold the
group together in case of any external threat or danger.
Brave individuals don't shriek away from taking the charge, making them ideal le
aders.
On an individual level I believe, being brave increases a person's appeal & enha
nces scope for future benefits.
Brave individuals are generally well known this in turn gets them & their group
the kind of visibility which can be leveraged for their benefit.
One negative of an overtly brave individual maybe that he/she might get the grou
p involved in a potentially unsafe situation, as in case of respondent 3, even t
hough not a case of group behavior, Mr. Z could have unknowingly landed his girl
friend in trouble.
Contribution to OB:
The above study of bravery is one of its kind, having studied bravery in a quali
tative basis I could arrive at working model to define bravery of a person. As c
an be seen I could find that there is a correlation between bravery & a few othe
r traits viz.
Empathy
Clarity of Thought
Self-belief
Pragmatism
Using these above traits we can arrive at a bravery scale for a person, this cou
ld help various organizations like the police force or private security organiza
tions etc. in their selection process. I believe a more detailed study which inv
olves a greater number of people as its sample, can further clear the doubt rega
rding the fearlessness trait & bravery. Also I feel a study can be undertaken to
study psychological bravery in a select population like inhabitants of a drug r
ehabilitation camp etc.
Conclusion:
After having studied the behavioral trait of bravery in detail, after having con
sidered its various forms & manifestations, I realize that a lot of people exhib
it it in their lives in varying proportions. Not every form of bravery is notice
d, not every form of it documented, but starting from the woman who fends of eve
-teasers to a corporate CEO who takes charge of a troubled giant in times of a d
ownturn, we have brave people whose constant vigour & zeal keeps the world runni
ng.
Bravery is a highly preferred behavioral trait; it is something which keeps the
world going. It is something that we seek in all the people around us, it is the
difference between an entrepreneur & a wannabe entrepreneur, and it is the key
to achieve success in any form of activity in life. We can correlate the success
of an idea to the amount of courage put in by its proponents, ceteris paribus.
On the whole I can say the above study has helped me arrive at a definition of b
ravery which I feel encompasses most if not all aspects of it:
"Bravery is a behavioral trait which allows us to overcome our inhibitions, our
inner fears & gives us that strength of conviction to do what we feel is right,
irrespective of any form of backlash. It manifests itself in face of physical, m
oral, & psychological danger.
Brave people have been instrumental in bringing about the greatest changes in ou
r lives, & I believe the likes of Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jack Welch
, Winston Churchill were brave enough to face their demons & succeed."
6.
If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it .
As the saying goes by William A. Ward. I am sure that you have understood the t
opic, the topic is, DREAMS. Dreams are nothing but the thoughts and ideas of one
s mind. They predict the character of the person. If ones thoughts are good they
he/she will see good dreams and if someone s thoughts are bad they he/she will se
bad dreams. From the above line it is clear that dreams are good or bad, intent
ions of people.
All of us dream, several times at night. It is believed by some that we sleep in
order that we may dream. Dreams can come true if somebody makes them true, as t
he saying goes, A dream is just a dream, unless you make it come true . Dreams prov
ide us the actual picture of our thoughts. Dreams may tell us about any physical
event which took place with us or which is going to happen with us. The dream i
s trying to inform the dreamer about his condition in any walk of life. Basicall
y, we can dream about anything logical or illogical, fictious or non-fictious an
d reasonable or unreasonable.
Dreams can often give some people good ideas, which they could not imagine. It i
s said that Robert Louis Stevenson got his idea for Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from
a dream. But some people think that they are not able to apply these ideas in t
heir life so there is a well-known saying about them which says that: IF YOU CAN
DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT . Mean to say that whatever one watches in dream he/she sh
ould try to implement it in his/her personal life and if that idea is good one t
hat one should also pass it to others and also ask them to implement it on their
lives as well. In somebody s darkest or boring hour, dream can give somebody hope
, courage and determination to some creative work which somebody has not done be
fore.
All successful people are big dreamers. They imagine what their future could be
ideal or bad. Generally, everybody in this world dreams, but everybody has not a
ggressiveness to work out on the ideas that they got in their dream.
Every time, dream comes it provides different information about different topics
.
Everybody should first make a plan that how he/she should implement the idea whi
ch he/she had got in his/her dream the one should apply it in one s life.
So, in my opinion one should try to implement on the dream what it says because
it always provides the best idea. Learn from your dreams what you lack .
Another saying which says: Hold fast to dreams, for without them we are like bir
6.
How do we embrace vulnerability?
We are all vulnerable there is no question about that, we don t need to learn how
to become vulnerable, but on the contrary we just need to stop suppressing it.
We have to let it out, to embrace it. I see vulnerability as being a very strong
and beautiful flower that tries to flourish inside us, but we wont let it live,
we are constantly throwing cement and rocks on it, hoping that it won t come out,
we don t want it we are suppressing it!
While on the contrary we need to embrace this flower, this feeling, to accept th
at it s perfectly ok to feel shame, to feel hurt, to feel disappointed, etc.
You might ask yourself, how can I embrace this feeling if it s causing me pain, wh
y do I have to allow myself being hurt?
Because if you trust yourself, if you are confident enough that you will raise u
p again when you fall, then you will not be so scarred to fall.
And here is my personal judgment, that if you build your confidence, if you trus
t yourself you will not be afraid to be vulnerable and you will accept this feel
ing easier.
And when you accept it you might see that, you will enjoy your life better, your
relationships, your friendships, and that you will not be afraid to expose your
self, to be vulnerable. You will not be afraid to say I love you first, you will
not be afraid to speak to the girl you like, you will not be afraid to ask your
boss for a promotion, because you will trust yourself that you will handle any
situation and that you will learn something from any experience, good or bad. In
any situation, there is something positive and negative; you just need to see t
hem both, not just the negative side. As you accept the concept of day and night
, you might accept the concept of positive and negative feelings. They are both
useful; we just need to find the proper use of it.
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Bob Van Oosterhout +7
Jun 3 2011: I see vulnerability as an ingredient of love. We cannot fully love w
ithout being vulnerable at some time. It seems that embracing vulnerability for
it s own sake could potentially take us in a wide range of directions, some of whi
ch could be destructive. (Embracing vulnerability when confronted with a sociopa
th would not likely be very helpful to either)
Embracing love requires acceptance of risk along with the recognition that it is
worth it. Love is an ongoing quest. In order to fully love another our love mus
t eventually expand to the entire world because trying to put boundaries on love
starts to feed ego and self-interest, which are the opposite of love. Love is a
continuing challenge that requires strength and courage as well as understandin
g and empathy.
Love is a decision, a commitment, a transcendence of self. It is an active proce
ss that requires that we be grounded and clear. Vulnerability seems more like a
passive condition - a receptivity that does not necessarily filter out potential
negative influences.
When we embrace love, we will feel vulnerable at times but as our capacity for l
ove deepens, we recognize that fear, hurt, loneliness, abandonment, and rejectio
n are part of the package of opening our hearts. We also realize that these emot
ions are temporarily very painful, but that working through that pain actually d
eepens our capacity for love. Embracing love makes vulnerability less of a risk
because we realize that our love will deepen when there is a response to opening
our heart and that our capacity for love will also deepen when we are rejected
as we work through the pain. We actually become less vulnerable as our capacity
for love grows.
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Maxime Touzel 0
Jun 4 2011: That is why i say it is Love we must truly learn to embrace and not
vulnerability.
The brain can emit to forms of feelings ; Love and Fear, when vulnerability is r
ecognize as a part of Love, it's not truly Love that leads the thought but Fear.
It's hard to understand and even harder to do.
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Debra Smith 0
Jun 7 2011: @Bob, how do you choose to whom to give your love and whom to ignore
?
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Maxime Touzel +1
Jun 9 2011: There is no choice.
You Love those you don't Fear and you Fear those you don't Love.
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Jun 10 2011: Very well said, Maxine. Sustained fear centers our focus on ourselv
es which stops our heart from opening.
Fear is a natural emotion that will arise in response to our perceptions of a wi
de range of situations. To the extent that we are in balance, we can choose to c
larify the nature of the risk and how we will respond to it. Risk is part of lov
e and love recognizes that it is worth it. We have a choice to feed fear or feed
love.
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Bob Van Oosterhout 0
Jun 10 2011: Debra asked "how do you choose to whom to give your love and whom t
o ignore?"
I believe love is our essential nature and that it grows and deepens if we keep
obstacles out of the way. Putting limits on love creates an obstacle. Loving fam
ily and friends can be self-centered and therefore only an illusion of love. Tru
e love, by its nature, opens us to all.
The definition of love that makes the most sense to me is a commitment to the fu
lfillment of the best interests and potential of another person. Realistically,
we can only take this to a very deep level with one or a very few people. Howeve
r, excluding others from our love by ignoring the effects of our actions on the
fulfillment of their potential closes our hearts and limits our capacity to love
.
The only way to truly love another is to love everyone.

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Debra Smith 0
Jun 10 2011: Its nice to hear you say that.
carole lyc +1
Jun 15 2011: Very nicely said. Love is a selfless act? It's true that the more y
ou give love to others the more love you have within your heart. Love nourishes
the heart. The heart's food is love.
Cornelia Valeria 0
Jun 15 2011: I really enjoyed your comments Bob, as much as your videos. Well I
think you gave us all the essence in your first line vulnerability is an ingredie
nt of love and as most of us here will agree that love is the essence of life, we l
l keep this ingredient and use it wisely
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Maria Serrano Lopez 0
Jun 16 2011: Right on..."Vulnerability" is a wonderful place to be!
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Joe Delsen +3
Jun 7 2011: Cornelia, I believe in the power of love like Bob and Maxime stated.
I think this is also what you said as a pre-requisite in order to handle vulner
ability otherwise we fall into hurt helplessness that Debra mentions.
It is hard to give love when we don't first love ourselves. I believe we can tru
st ourselves and build our confidence first by separating our core identity as s
omeone of great worth (conscious human being or our belief as God's children), g
reat intellect and good will and our external identities (the way we look, caree
r or skills and reputation). We recognize and affirm our own core nature and tha
t of others - a deep respect and deep love. As we move forward in our relationsh
ips, we recognize, we appreciate, we encourage our accomplishment and the accomp
lishment of others.
We give real love as Bod said, a love that is given without conditions and the o
nly reason is we want the other person to be happy. Once we give love with condi
tions, it's not real love, it's transactional, there is no net worth and our exp
ectations of receiving something causes frustrations and anger. The love wanes o
nce the condition for giving and receiving love is gone.
I believe our heart is meant to love and our love is meant to make others happy.
When our hearts are loving and we are deeply happy, our minds are also inspired
and it all cause us to trust and hope more. When we misuse our heart and our lo
ve, we break the very resource of our happiness, it brings out our weaknesses.
The power of our loving energized hearts is what I believe will transform our wo
rld. Like Bob have noted, our love needs to expand because our hearts is not mea
nt to be selfish.
http://bit.ly/ThePowerInfo, http://bit.ly/ThePowerToTransform
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Jun 12 2011: Joe wrote: "It is hard to give love when we don't first love oursel
ves. I believe we can trust ourselves and build our confidence first by separati
ng our core identity as someone of great worth (conscious human being or our bel
ief as God's children), great intellect and good will and our external identitie
s (the way we look, career or skills and reputation). We recognize and affirm ou
r own core nature and that of others"
Loving ourselves is simply a matter of seeing ourselves clearly. Loving involves
seeing them clearly. When we put fear into perspective and get ego out of the w
ay, we are able to see more clearly.
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Laurens Rademakers +2
Jun 21 2011: We can embrace vulnerability by looking at several great strategies
from the past. One theme comes back in these traditions: vulnerability is an op
enness of the senses, and a readiness to accept the unexpected.
1. Religion: Many important religions have the notion of "fragility" or "vulnera
bility" at their core. Is there a better example than Christianity itself? Chris
t who undergoes infinite suffering at the hands of the powerful, and whose tortu
red body becomes the very locus of the vulnerability of humanity as a whole. Ide
m with Buddhism: to become a Buddha you will suffer infinitely, and expose your
desires to so much battering, that they are no longer desires. Then comes elight
nment, which could be re-interpreted (coarsely) as the attainment of total vulne
rability and fragility. The list goes on.
With the advent of protestantism, and our capitalist, technocratic, liberal visi
on of the world, this notion has lost importance, as man had to become a "master
" of himself and the actions around him. Our rational, modern view of life has i
ndeed neglected the notion of fragility which permeated our world for centuries.
2. Art: most of the great artworks of history are characterised by a very import
ant element, namely that something is "broken". Van Gogh's sunflowers are, so to
speak, vulnerable, battered flowers - which is why they're so superb.
3. Philosophy: fascinating thinkers found vulnerability to be a key of their wor
k. Think of Nietzsche's "amor fati" - love of our fate, love of that which we ca
n't control. Freud has pinpointed the fractures in our subconscious, which guide
our desires. Postmodernism's based on one great "perhaps", a fundamental doubt,
a constant lack of certainty, an incapacity to put the world in definite catego
ries - a certain vulnerability in our vision of the world.
4. Even politics: think of Gandhi's strategy of vulnerability - the hunger strik
e, nonviolence. By choosing to become the most vulnerable, he became the most po
werful
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Maxime Touzel +2
Jun 1 2011: We can never accept it to be OK to feel shame, to feel hurt or to fe
el disappointed, these feelings are not OK. It's easy to recognize this as the w
ay these feeling make you feel (bad).
On the other hand, if we embrace vulnerability, they will manifest themselves ev
entually. It is not vulnerability we need to embrace, but Love, as Love is what
you are speaking of but you seems to recognize the vulnerable state of Love, it
is true that Love can be easily overcome by Fearful means, but Love is way stron
ger than Fear.
One who really embrace Love can never be defeated. The bad feelings that might b
e part of the journey will instantly disappear if you truly are in a Loving stat
e of mind. You will forgive the oppressor and be compassionate to the oppressed,
you will reduce the anger of the oppressors even though they might not feel goo
d to lose a part of their Fear because for them to know that you don't Fear them
, confused their mislead hearts but drags them unwillingly to the good side "Lov
e". They might get angry even more, but as they throw their anger away they will
only reduce their negativeness, so that they reach the state of mind where they
really question themselves as to whether or not what they are doing is good or
bad.
However hard it is, Love is the only solution, no doubt on that. It is never eas
y in this environment but it is the righteous way.
Love > Fear
Cornelia Valeria +1
Jun 2 2011: Dear Maxime, thank you for your comment. My point to accepting the f
eelings that make you feel bad as you say is that we should learn to accept and
control our feelings. What you feel and how you react to experiences in life it
is always up to you. Nobody can hurt me without my permission. said Ghandi.
One can chose its own thoughts, reactions and emotions in almost every occasion,
and one can chose to amplify the bad feelings or accept and manage them. If we
are confident that whatever we feel it cannot hurt us unless we allow ourselves
to be hurt, we could embrace with love all our feelings.
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Bob Van Oosterhout 0
Jun 10 2011: I believe emotions are a temporary response to our perception of th
e situation we are in (which includes our thoughts). Emotions pass on their own
if we do not resist them. We can continually stimulate the same emotion by dwell
ing on it or justifying it in our mind. Painful emotions are part of life just a
s love is part of life. If we resist pain, we resist love and we resist life. Th
e key is to recognize that pain is temporary but we can choose to make love last
.
I made a video podcast for my students on Understanding Emotion. You are welcome
to view it at
http://exp.lcc.edu/users/bobv/weblog/dd6c6/Understanding_Emotion.html
Eva M 0
Jun 25 2011: Yes! "LOVE IS THE ONLY SOLUTION"!
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Debra Smith +2
Jun 1 2011: In order to embrace vulnerability you have to believe that the rewar
ds of doing so outweigh the potential risks and losses.
People shut down and lose hope of finding sincere and meaningful connection afte
r experiencing rejection, loss or ridicule. They then demonstrate a sort of lear
ned helplessness. Learned Helplessness can only be overcome by multiple positive
experiences that reaffirm life.
So, in answer to your question, I think we may not be able to just 'snap to it'
and decide today to embrace vulnerability but we can look at the eventsand behav
iours that destroy the will to be open and vulnerable to others. We can decide t
oday to make the world a bit safer place where ever we are by refusing to treat
people in ways that reduce their emotional safety. We can be the change that we
want to see in the world by demonstrating the qualities of vulnerability to the
limit of our own ability and by being brave.
Thank you,Cornelia for a really important and worthwhile question!
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Alok Bhat +1
Jun 25 2011: whether we embrace it or runaway from it.we will always be 'vulnera
ble'.
Eva M +1
Jun 25 2011: It is true that our vulnerability is a beautiful inborn quality in
each of us. It means being open, sensitive, defenseless. It is not protecting on
e s own tender underbelly. It is putting oneself into the hands of others, entrust
ing the deepest and most tender feelings of oneself to others.
Accepting our vulnerability is not equal with accepting our faults and shortcomi
ngs. The constructive way to deal with shortcomings is to overcome them. And yet
, the emotional vulnerability is not a weakness of that type, even though many p
eople try to override it becoming hard and guarded.
The way to embrace vulnerability is to trust and love others. The reason why peo
ple don t want to be vulnerable is because they have too many negative assumptions
about others. There is that old script in people s minds that you are going to be
hurt, rejected, laughed at, that s why you need to protect yourself. But these as
sumptions make others into monsters are hurtful by themselves. Who if not a very
cruel person would laugh when you express your love? And then if in your mind t
he others are about to hurt you, if they are the evil ones, you are not going to
expose yourself. One needs to LOVE others and see in them the heart that they a
re in order to show oneself in truth.
We are ALL sensitive and tender. And we all need a sanctuary for delicate flower
s. We need to provide one another with respect, kindness, trust and love
love th
at is embracing, not rejecting. And we need to trust in Love. In the Love that w
ill protect us, instead of us protecting ourselves. Love will take care of us. I
t surely will.
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Mahadevan Venkatakrishnan +1
Jun 21 2011: Cornelia, Nice question. Recognising our vulnerabilities, accepting
that we are still human and maintaining a healthy self-esteem, i feel, will hel
p us embrace our vulnerabilities. No one is perfect. The maturity to do this wil
l only come in those who learn to trust, learn to love and live their emotions.
Thank you.
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Kristen Nebeker +1
Jun 18 2011: Vulnerability is important to embrace. If we can allow ourselves to
be vulnerable (really just accepting that we are vulnerable as humans, no matte
r how much we try to protect ourselves), we can really appreciate so much more a
bout each other. Getting to know someone, seeing their weaknesses mirroring your
own, allows you to really love and appreciate that person. Then it becomes cycl
ical, as you both share, you can both grow and appreciate each other. The more y
ou know, the more you grow.
I think many of us have heard or know from experience that babies and children c
ry daily, or multiple times daily, while adults cry much more infrequently. In m
y experience, children are overall "more emotional" than adults. As a society, w
e see that as something to be trained and matured out of us. When we stop our te
ars from coming, do we not also block other emotions? As we cry less, do we also
laugh less? Are we sure it's worth the trade-off?
I think we can embrace vulnerability by embracing ourselves. If we allow ourselv
es to be authentic, and feel all of the feelings as they come, acknowledging the
m as part of this beautiful, limited human experience, we can embrace vulnerabil
ity. If we can remember that feeling pain means that at least we are still alive
and feeling, maybe we can embrace vulnerability
1.
THE QUARRELSOME WIFE
BY MARLENE GRIFFITHMAR 27
By Marlene Griffith, Contributing Writers
How to Bless Your Husband With Your Communication
Photo by hang in there
It s important to check ourselves often so that we are not blindly sinking ourselv
es and damaging our communication within our marriage.
I love the book of Proverbs. It is filled with so much wisdom, and every time I
read it I am so incredibly convicted and it checks my sin instantly. Very humbli
ng!
Let s look at some of what the book of proverbs says about dealing with a woman wh
o is argumentative, nagging, complaining, and cranky.
Proverbs 19:13b a wife s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.
Proverbs 25:24 it is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house w
ith a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21:19 it is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and
fretful woman
Can you, right now list out traits of your husband that you just can t stand? This
week so far, have you started any conversation with your husband that starts wi
th either of the following? :
I told you to
You never .
I can t stand it when you
You are so annoying when you
How many yes s did you have? One, two, three all?
Scripture instructs women to be meek, gentle and
e character traits that come naturally to women,
opposite of the fallen woman s tendency. We are
, meek and submissive heart. We want to prove to
y can do and probably do it better.
submissive not because these ar

but because they are the exact
not inclined to seek out a gentle
men that we can do anything the
When it comes to our communication it ought to be:

Gentle and soft. Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word s
tirs up anger.
We must filter our words. Our words come from our thoughts. Our thoughts come fr
om our heart. And our heart is a reflection of our relationship with the Lord.
In control of our words. Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, transgression is not
lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
Patient: James 1:19 quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger
Proverbs 12:2 the tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools
pour out folly.
James 5:9 do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be ju
dged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.
Ephesians 4:32 be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as G
od in Christ forgave you.
Proverbs 31:26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teachings of kindness is on
her tongue.
How can you begin to practice this?
It all starts with prayer. Pour your heart out to the Lord in prayer, ask Him to
help you. Be diligent with your quiet time and stay in the Word.
Psalms 119: 11
st you
I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin again
Choose grace
Romans 6:14 For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under the law,
but under grace
Some other practical tips:
Be intentionally respectful to your husband, in a non-sarcastic-obviously-trying
-to-be-respectful kind of way. But in a way that is fitting for a wife who seeks
to live out the Lord s will in every aspect of her life. It will eventually begin
to come naturally to you.
When you catch yourself going to critique, or about to start a sentence with any
negative connotation stop right there and pray. Repent and ask the Lord to help
you find words that are loving, soft, gentle, and pleasing to Him.
Grab a journal and write in it every time your husband does something that bless
es you or anyone he encounters. For instance, my husband will often stop by the
grocery store to grab a gallon of milk so that I won t have to run out and do it.
I used to see it as something he ought to be doing, but I realized

he just saved
me the trip of loading up the kids into the car, to then unload them at the sto
re, to then wait in line while they are trying to grab at everything in the chec
kout line, to then load them up in the car to head home, unload them when I get
home and still be totally energized to have dinner ready on time.
Proverbs 31:10-11?An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than
jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gai
n
Do you have any practical tips or ways to bless your husband in your communicati
on?
CATEGORIES: WIVES
PREV
2.
3.
Everyone, or nearly everyone, reports daydreaming on a regular basis, with studi
es indicating that as many as 96% of adults engage in having at least one bout o
f daily fantasies. Psychologists have long been interested in the vagaries of ou
r mental meanderings. William James, credited with being the founder of American
psychology, famously studied streams of consciousness to provide data for his fun
ctionalist theory of the mind. In 1890, he wrote that When absorbed in intellectu
al attention we become so inattentive to outer things as to be absent-minded,
abstr
acted, or distraits. All revery or concentrated meditation is apt to throw us into t
his state that transient lapses in the control of attention may lead to a shift
in attention from the external world to internal mentation.
While James pursued his studies of consciousness, across the Atlantic, Universit
y of Leipzig psychologist Wilhelm Wundt used introspection to understand how the
mind works. They may have had similar methods, but they had very different theo
ries. James was interested in finding out how the mind adapts to experiences; Wu
ndt wanted to learn about the mind s structures. Today, neuroscientists combine th
e best of both of these worlds, looking at brain scans while their study partici
pants complete various mental tasks. Serendipitously, it was while studying the
brain s activation during tasks involving memory and attention that neuroscientis
ts first discovered the neural basis for daydreaming. While in between tasks, th
e researchers noticed that a set of brain structures in their participants start
ed to become more active. These same structures turned off as soon as the partic
ipants began to engage in the cognitive tasks that were the original focus of th
e research.
Eventually, scientists were able to pinpoint this set of specific brain structur
es which we now know as the brain s default network. This network links parts of th
e frontal cortex, the limbic system, and several other cortical areas involved i
n sensory experiences. While active, the default network turns itself on and ge
nerates its own stimulation. The technical term for such a product of the defau
lt network is stimulus independent thought, a thought about something other than e
vents that originate from the outside environment. In common speech, stimulus i
ndependent thoughts make up fantasies and daydream, the stuff of mind wandering.
Apart from entertaining us when we re bored, what does the default network do for
us? Some researchers propose that it s actually a type of watchdog or sentinel, r
eady to spring into action when we need to attend to an outside stimulus. Howev
er, the preponderance of evidence suggests that the default network is there to
help us explore our inner experiences (Buckner et al., 2008). Specifically, we

engage our default network when we re thinking about our past experiences, imagini
ng an event that might take place in the future, trying to understand what other
people are thinking, and assisting us in making moral decisions.
It seems, then, that our default network makes daydreaming possible. The effect
of daydreaming on our psyche may depend, furthermore, on the nature of our dayd
reams. In a series of questionnaire studies, York University psychologist Raymon
d Mar and associates (2012) asked men and women ranging from 18 to 85 to report
on the frequency and vividness of their daydreams as well as their life satisfac
tion, levels of loneliness, and social support. For men, the more frequent their
daydreams, the lower their life satisfaction. For women, vividness but not freq
uency was related to lower life satisfaction. For both genders, people who daydr
eamed about their close family and friends reported higher levels of life satisf
action. Those who daydreamed about romantic partners that they didn t currently ha
ve (past or potential), strangers, or fictional characters were lonelier, had le
ss lower social support, and tended to have lower life satisfaction.
Although this was a correlational study, the Mar findings suggest ways to use da
ydreaming to your advantage. Your daydreams will be more likely to bring you hap
piness if they re about the actual people you know rather than the imaginary peopl
e you would like to know. The Mar findings also suggest that there are times wh
en it s better not to daydream. Anytime you ve drifted off to la-la land while some
one is giving a boring talk, speech, or seminar, you may suddenly come to the re
alization that you have no idea what this person just said. You ll be in trouble i
f you need to take a test or answer a question directed toward the inattentive y
ou. In a social situation, such as a date or family meal, the consequences can
prove embarrassing if not relationship-killing.
Other evidence suggests that the content of your daydreams can interfere with yo
ur memory, even when you ve paid attention to the information you re trying to learn
. University of North Carolina Greensboro psychologist Peter Delaney and colleag
ues (2010) instructed college student participants to daydream about a situation
either very much like or very much unlike what they were doing at the moment. T
hose who were told to imagine themselves in very different circumstances had poo
rer memories than those who were instructed to daydream about someplace close.
If you re going to engage in mental time travel, and there s something you need to r
emember, better keep that travel pretty close to home.
You might expect that with its tendency to reach inward, your default network s ac
tivity could make you more creative. This is only partly true. University of B
ritish Columbia researchers Melissa Ellamil and her colleagues (2012) found that
it s the temporal lobe in the cortex that generates creative ideas. The default n
etwork decides whether to like those ideas or not. Reinforcing Delaney s findings
regarding memory and daydreaming, Japanese researchers Hiraku Takeuchi and coll
aborators (2010) showed that the people more likely to generate creative ideas i
n a laboratory task were less able to deactivate their default networks. Creati
vity may, then, come at a cost if your goal is to learn and remember new informa
tion.
These studies on daydreaming suggest 4 practical ways you can put your brain's d
efault network to best use for you:
1. Tune out your default network when you need to focus. Your best chance to lea
rn something new comes when you deactivate the network. If you feel your inner t
houghts are crowding out the new information, take that extra step to turn down
their volume.
2. If your daydreams are bothering you, change them. We know from the Mar study
that people who daydream about unobtainable relationships feel unhappier and les
s satisfied. As difficult as it may be, try to fantasize about the relationships

you now have or those that you might reasonably be able to start in the near fu
ture.
3. Use your daydreams to help, not hurt, your memory. From the Delaney study, we
learned that students who daydreamed about faraway places or situations had poo
rer memories than those whose daydreams stayed closer to their current realities
. If you use your daydreams to elaborate on your experiences now, you'll have a
better chance of remembering those experiences in the future.
4. Don't stifle your creativity, but don't let it interfere with what you need t
o know. Creative people seem to be more likely to engage in flights of fancy, as
the Takeuchi study showed. Before you let your imagination run rampant, make su
re you're paying enough attention to what is going on around you to get that inf
ormation to stick in your long-term memory.
Your daydreams can mold your memory, your attention, and even your happiness wit
hin your relationships. Daydreams may be the stuff of your brain s default networ
k, but they can also prove to be the source of your personal fulfillment.
Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo (link is external) for daily updates on psychology
, health, and aging. Feel free to join my Facebook group, "Fulfillment at Any Ag
e (link is external)," to discuss today's blog, or to ask further questions abou
t this posting.
Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. 2013
Buckner, R. L., Andrews-Hanna, J. R., & Schacter, D. L. (2008). The brain's defa
ult network: anatomy, function, and relevance to disease. Annals of the New York
Academy of Science, 1124, 1-38. doi: 10.1196/annals.1440.011
Delaney, P. F., Sahakyan, L., Kelley, C. M., & Z
The Good and Bad of Indulging in Fantasy and Daydreaming
By THOMAS CLAVIN
Published: July 28, 1996
IN ''By Force of Fantasy: How We Make Our Lives'' (Basic Books)Dr. Ethel S. Pers
on discusses how and why people fantasize, the advantages of daydreams, how one'
s fantasy life affects their personal and professional goals, the ways that fant
asies enrich lives and how fantasies influence relationships.
Dr. Person is a professor of clinical psychiatry at the College of Physicians an
d Surgeons at Columbia University, and she has a private psychiatric practice in
Manhattan. She is a graduate of the New York University College of Medicine, an
d from 1981 to 1991 she was the director of the Columbia University Center for P
sychoanalytic Training and Research.
She and her husband, Stanley Diamond, have a home in Amagansett.
Q. Is there a difference between fantasies and daydreams?
A. The terms are often used synonymously, but there are differences. Daydreams a
re building castles in the air, taking time out for a reverie. They are idiosync
ratic and repeating, you concoct a daydream that becomes a favorite and at will
you can call it up again. Most daydreams are self-soothing and for sexual arousa
l.
In addition to some of these aspects, fantasies have to do with future goals and
dreams. They could be romantic, professional, even physical, like transforming
yourself into an athlete or changing your appearance. That is why fantasy is so
crucial to how we lead our lives. We are really infused by our fantasies, they c
an help establish goals and provide motivation to strive for them.
Q. Why do people feel guilty about daydreaming?
A. One reason is that we live in a culture that is so committed to rationality t
hat we tend to downgrade anything that is non-scientific. That is combined with
the longstanding work ethic to be productive, and time spent daydreaming is not
viewed as productive, it can be considered shirking. We're not getting something
visible done when we daydream.
Also, because we don't tell each other our daydreams, we keep them secret, we te
nd to underestimate their importance. There is no external validation; they're n
ot worth anything to others and by not sharing them there is no opportunity for
approval. And individually, we don't look too closely at our own daydreams. We h
ave them, usually for a short period of time, they go unexamined and then it's o
n to something else.
Q. You write in your book, ''Fantasies deepen our connection with other people.'
' If we rarely share fantasies, isn't that a contradiction?
A. No, because fantasies influence interpersonal relationships and how relations
hips are formed and with whom. When we form intimate relationships, we're often
responding to subliminal cues tied to our fantasies. For example, if a man fanta
sizes himself as a rescuer, he may not recognize that the woman he will seek out
is one who requires, to some extent, rescuing, and a woman who fantasizes about
being rescued in some fashion is more likely to respond to a man who in subtle
ways indicates a willingness or ability to play that role. Many men and women ha
ve formed deep relationships because of reciprocal fantasies and may never discu
ss or even be aware of this subliminal connection.
Q. Do people begin to repress their fantasies during childhood, and if so, why?
A. There is a developmental sequence to fantasies. For very young children, they
are an important and necessary part of the way they relate to and absorb life.
Then as children develop the ability to reason, they become slightly ashamed and
are less likely to share daydreams and fantasies. They will express them more t
hrough play. Fantasies become more internalized, and there is less time devoted
to daydreaming. Some of this is suppression, on their part or outside influences
, like parents or teachers or peers. But the nature of daydreaming is that it wi
ll change over time. It's just part of the developmental process.
Q. Are all people born with the same capacity for fantasy?
A. All of us have the capacity to fantasize, yet there can be major differences
in fantasy lives. Some people are great visualizers, their daydreams and fantasi
es are vivid, as if watching movies or painting pictures in their minds. Others
have imaginary dialogues, whole and intricate conversations in their heads.
Some people don't feel that they fantasize at all, that they don't originate int
eresting daydreams and fantasies. If we're not as good as others in doing that,
many still tend to have a vicarious fantasy life through movies, books and TV. I
f you know what a person's favorite book or movie is, that's an indication of th
eir fantasy life whatever the apparent extent of it is.
Q. How do male and female fantasies differ?
A. There are significant differences in sexual fantasies because men and women h
ave different sexual feelings, needs and sometimes views. But fantasies based on
gender are not just what you want to do in bed. Females are more likely to have
fantasies involving body parts. Universal feelings like anger and love may be e
xpressed using body imagery in a way a man can't. A fantasy that your breasts ar
e filling up with milk can be a joyful one that will never be part of a man's ex
perience even in fantasy.
5.
WHY WOMEN'S LIBERATION? from Black Maria (1971)
(Editors Note: A statement from the Black Maria Collective on women's liberation
. Black Maria was a literary magazine with roots in the CWLU)
Over the last year we have heard many women express their opinions and doubts
on the subject of women's liberation. These are some of the issues raised in rap
groups, at speaking engagements, and overheard conversations among women. In ou
r own group we have often struggled to find some of the answers. It's presumptuo
us to say the following are complete answers or that every woman would answer th
em in this way (in fact we were not able to come to a consensus on each question
in our own group). Our hope is that the following discussions will provide a st
arting place for deeper thought.
Why do you need a movement? If you really want liberation you can get it.
The society has established standards which prevent individuals from fulfilling
their potentials (i.e. a woman should get married and take care of children). A
movement helps change the climate of social custom in order that women have the
freedom to choose alternatives to the previously rigid customs. Only when large
numbers of people demand a change to their oppression are they taken seriously,
and after a while demands that seemed silly at first become thought of as perfec
tly acceptable; to reach this level of tolerance, women must discover their pote
ntial and begin to react against the forces obstructing them from their goals.
What does a liberated woman have that an unliberated woman doesn't have?
A sense of her own identity and the realization that her life is her own to cont
rol. She is not dependent on other people for her security -emotional and moneta
ry -nor does she believe what social custom has determined is her nature. She re
jects the idea of women's natural dependency and passivity as a myth, and is con
cerned with the fulfillment of her potential as a person.
I don't like women. I get along better with men.
This is one of the most common statements by women about women. And it is one of
the first emotions to be totally transformed as a woman begins to question what
society and men expect of her. Rap groups, small gatherings where women meet to
talk about their lives and feelings, often help us to understand how much we re
ally have in common, what and who all of us are up against. In the long run, we
have realized there is nowhere to turn but to each other. Hundreds, thousands of
women are finding strength, a real feeling of sisterhood by uniting with other
women. We are rediscovering ourselves.
Doesn't women's liberation discriminate against men (or... aren't you being unfa
ir-more strongly stated-aren't you a man hater)?
It seems when the issues of equal jobs and equal pay are discussed this issue is
raised. Women are not asking for "token" jobs and pay which another person is b
etter qualified to receive. They are struggling to inch their way into those ski
lls, professions and academic endeavors which they have the aptitude, strength a
nd interest to succeed in. Women are not saying these are rights due only to the
m but human rights belonging to all. They have a history of struggling against d
iscrimination, not of promoting it.
Aside from the struggle for a decent job and pay commensurate to the work exchan
ged women are often forced (emotionally and physically) to perform an additional
multitude of chores and responsibilities; supervising children, washing clothes
and dishes, cooking.... All this takes place after a work day which is as grind
ing and tiring as any males. This not only exhausts her but tends to shackle her
time, keeping her from more stimulating endeavors.
Do mothers in the Women's Liberation Movement neglect their children?
I think that women who are working for equality and who are finding their own li
ves freer can give more to their children. Many women who are feeling the frustr
ations and loneliness of being a housewife take it out on the children by being
bitchy and overly demanding. It is also a freeing thing for children who now hav
e a mother who can really relate to them, instead of one who is caught up in the
game playing that goes on in so many families.
Does wanting to be pretty mean you're a cop-out?
No. A movement should make it possible for women to find support for working tow
ards the realization of important goals, it should not restrict or dictate "corr
ect" ways of dressing or acting or thinking. There is room among people who agre
e on some points to be different: ways of dressing are not intrinsic to the ques
tion of women's freedom as concerns her inner needs. The reaction against a "pre
tty" looking woman assumes that she is looking that way for the purpose of attra
cting someone to her, whereas she may only be living up to her own standards of
being comfortable.
Don't most women who join women's liberation do so because they're ugly?
The women's movement encourages us to take off our masks, to look honestly at ou
r lives, to take risks, to speak freely about our needs and desires, to offer fr
iendship, affection, and understanding to other women, to struggle for the right
of all women, all people, to choose what they will become. Ugliness is not phys
ical.---it is anything social, political, or psychological which limits or denie
s full human development (beauty).
6.

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When your legs don't work like they used to before

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help us explore our inner experiences (Buckner et al., 2008). Specifically, we

s satisfied. As difficult as it may be, try to fantasize about the relationships

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