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What Steps Do I Take To Forgive?

Here is a great model to follow for practicing the art of forgiveness: REACH.
R = Recall the Hurt
use a pen and paper, a private computer document or journal entry
work small to big (choose a situation you can manage to forgive successfully)
choose a specific event
prepare to re-experience negative emotions like hurt, sadness or anger
precisely describe your experience and your feelings (e.g. "I was upset" is too
vague)
include the offender in your description (e.g. their motivations, actions,
feelings, statements)
recall with your heart, include feelings so that forgiveness is no just in your
head/logical

E = Empathy (this can be hard but push through!)


Empathy is vital to forgiveness - it allows you to think and feel differently
about the person
Empathy = seeing things from another's point of view (3 emotional levels)

Level 1 - understand - what were the thoughts and emotions of the


offender?

Level 2 - emotionally connect - feel and think with the offender

Level 3 - compassionately respond - develop compassion for the


person who hurt you
Think of empathy as: "I will not forget, but I will remember differently."
Good questions for the E step might be:

I wonder why she hurt me?

Could she be responding to fear, stress or pain in her own life?


Such as...

Maybe someone has hurt her in a similar way in the past?


One way to practice empathy is to write a letter as if you were the person that
hurt you. Talk from their perspective.

A = Altruistic (others-focused) Gift


Adapted from Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope by E. L. Worthington (2003)

Remember that forgiveness is a gift for both you and your friend that
hurt you. Empathy gets you ready for this giving this gift.
Consider a time when you were guilty of offending or hurting someone and
they gave you the gift of forgiveness. Did you experience humility or
gratitude? Consider a time when forgiveness was given begrudgingly or
manipulatively?
Not ready or don't want to forgive: What is blocking you? (e.g. I want an
apology from her first.)
Give The Gift of Forgiveness. You can do this verbally with your friend or
privately with the support of others.
If you are not ready, consider retracing steps of empathy with compassion
and love.
Consider other needs: support from others? More time? More information
from your friend experienced the event?
Still not ready...choose a smaller event that you can work through
successfully and keep this event in mind as a "forgiveness goal".
C = Commit To Publically Forgive
Sharing your decision to forgive helps to cement your forgiveness process.
This also helps to prevent a barrier when old feelings bubble to the surface.

Anticipate that wounds already forgiven will still hurt sometimes


(see: What Forgiveness Is Not)
You can also "share" with yourself - a journal entry, a written letter to your
offender.
Symbolize your forgiveness: a certificate of forgiveness, a rock placed in the
garden, a planted seed that grows into a beautiful plant or any small token
that has a personal meaning for you and represents your forgiveness
progress. Since forgiveness is a process, you can return to these acts of
commitment when old feelings of hurt or anger resurface.
You might want to review your first steps in the REACH process as
reminders of how you have already addressed this situation and your
feelings.
When you have shared with someone else about your forgiveness, you can
return to this person to talk about what you are experiencing.
Good reminders: Life is full of encounters with people who will hurt or
wound us, stressful or painful events and losses. Practicing forgiveness
helps develop a lifestyle of empathy and openness.

Adapted from Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope by E. L. Worthington (2003)

H = Hold Onto Forgiveness


Without the weight of negative feelings like resentment, bitterness, fear and
anger - flashbacks and memories pack less of a punch.
Ways to hold onto forgiveness:

1. Pain remembering an event is not the same as unforgiveness.


Acknowledge your own progress.
2. Work through negative emotions - don't squish them down.
Do not
start a cycle of negative feelings brewing.
3. Contact someone you shared your forgiveness with. Get the
support you
need to continue making progress with forgiveness.
4. Remind yourself that you have forgiven. Be specific. Use your
REACH
model notes to refer to how you were empathetic and
acknowledged
why you were hurt and any role you played in the
event.
5. Go back to your symbols - the letter, the certificate, the rock,
the plant.
Recall what the symbol represents.
6. Read journal entries or personal notes you made to remind
yourself of
the healing work you did in the REACH
process.
If negative feelings persist, this might mean there are some unaddressed beliefs
or emotions about the event that need to be readdressed. This sometimes
happens through seasons of life when an event might take on different meaning.
Build on the REACH work you have already done, repeat the process and pursue
continued healing.

Adapted from Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope by E. L. Worthington (2003)

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