Identifying and Managing Difficult,

High-Conflict Personality Clients

By Paul Fisher
Paul Fisher is the principal of Fisher Mediation in Los Angeles, California, and the co-chair of the Emotional and Psychological
Issues in Estate Planning Committee.

Howmanytimeshaveyouworkedwithaclientwho,atfirst,appearstobeanappealingandcharmingindi
vidualoranunfortunatevictimofsomeoneelseswrongdoing?Later,yourealizetheclientischronicallyad
versarial,manipulative,inflexible,unreasonable,impossibletoplease,andtakesnoresponsibilityforconflicts
heorshehashelpedcreate.AsexplainedbyforensicpsychologistSherrieBourgCarter:Theybelievethat
theirdistortedorexaggeratedviewsofasituationareaccurate,makingitdifficultforthemtounderstand
whyothersdonotagreewiththem.Theytendtodisagreewiththeirattorneysassessmentofthestrengths
andweaknessesoftheircaseandlegalstrategies.Whenchallengedtheybecomedefensiveandentrenched.
SherrieBourgCarter,RepresentingMentallyandEmotionallyDisturbedClientsinFamilyLawPractice,22Am.
J.Fam.L.128(Fall2008).
Thinkbacktoyourfirstmeeting.Hadyouknownthenwhatyouknownow,youneverwouldhaveac
ceptedthecase.Sometimes,however,youarestuckwiththecaseandhavetomakethebestofit.Theseare
the10%ofclientswhocause90%ofyourgrief.Attorneyshavetoldmeinmediationaboutthepain,agony,
andmentaltorturetheygothroughwithdifficultclients.
Thisarticlewillhelplawyersidentifydifficult,highconflictpersonalitiesandpresentapproachesonhow
tobettermanagethembydiscussingthefourmostcommonhighconflictpersonalities:borderline,histrionic,
narcissistic,andantisocial.Fortheseclients,thedriveforconflictarisesfromtheirpersonalities,ratherthan
theissuesoramountofmoneyinvolved.Thereisalifelongpatternofblamingothersandnottakingrespon
sibilityfortheiractions.Howtheseindividualsarehandledcaneitherescalateorcontainthedispute.This
articlealsodiscussesenablers,thepeoplewhoencouragedifficultclientsintheirmisperceptions.Toolsthat
workwitheachdisorderareexplored,andbecausetheseclientsmaysueformalpracticeiftheyaredissatis
fied,howtoprotectyourselfand,ultimately,howtofiresuchaclient.
Highconflictpersonalitydisorderscauseclientstoseethingsdifferently.Thesedisordersoccurin10%of
thepopulation.Another10%to15%ofpeoplehavemaladaptivetraitsthatdonotqualifyasadisorder.
KathieNichols,BreakingImpasses:StrategiesforWorkingwithHighConflictPersonalities,20Am.J.Fam.L.
226(Winter2007).Apersonalitydisorderisanenduringpatternofinnerexperienceandbehaviorthatde
viatesmarkedlyfromtheexpectationsoftheindividualsculture.DiagnosticandStatisticalManualofMental
Disorders(4thed.)(DSMIV).
AlbertBernsteindescribesthesepersonalitiesasemotionalvampires:theylooklikeeverydaypeople,but
theyaredangerousinthedark.Hecautions,Theywalkintoyourofficeandendupinthecourtroomwith
youoragainstyou.Theybelievetheirneedsaremoreimportantthananyoneelses,thatproblemsarenot
theirfault,andthatrulesareforotherpeople.Theyareanextraordinarydrainonalawyerstime,attention,
andemotionalenergy.

Borderline Personality Clients

ThehallmarkofborderlinepersonalityindividualsisIhateyou,dontleaveme.Thoughtheyrepresentonly
2%ofthepopulation,theseindividualsaretheonesmostoftenfoundinhighconflictlitigation.Females
makeup75%ofthisgroup.Theirgreatestfearisabandonment,whichisperceivedineverydayevents.Their
copingmechanismistocontrolandmanipulate.Theyhaveintense,angryoutburstsandseveremoodswings.
Onagoodday,theyidealizetheirattorney:Yourebrilliant.Onabadday,theydevalueandberate:Youre
theworst.Theyinflictabuseasadefensemechanism.Bewaretheycanappearsexuallyalluringandmay
abusealcoholordrugs.Iftheyfeelabandonedbytheirlawyer,theymayseekrevengethroughbargrievances
andmalpracticeclaims.Theseindividualsmaychangetheirstoryfromonemeetingtothenext.
Whentherelationshipisnew,clientswithborderlinepersonalitiesfantasizeabouthowwonderfulitwill
beandhowgreatyouare.Evenifyouagree,keeptheirexpectationsrealitybasedoryouwillbesetupfor
devaluation.Lettheclientknowtherewillbeupsanddownsinthecase,andtherelationship,andthatyou
willworkthroughthemtogether.Berealisticandreassuring.Donotreinforceextremeexpectations.Eventu
ally,badeventswilloccur,andtheclientwillbedissatisfied.Listenrespectfully,eventooutbursts,without
beingdefensive.
Published in Probate & Property, Volume 26, Number 1, January/February 2012. 2012 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All
rights reserved. This information or any portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.

Donotreacttointenseemotions.Yourresponsesshouldbemodestandconversational.Workwiththecli
entonhismisperceptionsratherthancriticizinghim.Thoughdoubtmayheightenhisanxiety,youhaveto
testhisreality.Youmustbalancesupportingthepersonandbeingdetachedwhenyouanalyzeanddiscusshis
claims.Thoughnecessary,addressingtheweaknessesofhiscasewillcreatedoubt,causingastrongreaction.
Patientlystandyourground.Ifyoubecomeemotional,effectivecommunicationwillbelost,andhewillfeel
abandoned.Thoughthisclientwantspositivefeedback,ifapositiveanalysisconflictswiththelaw,givingthat
desiredinformationwillleadtounreasonablyheightenedexpectations.Donotignoreorbeabruptwiththis
client.Misunderstandingsandpoortreatmentmayleadtorevengeforbeingabandoned.

Histrionic Personality Clients

Histrionicpersonalitydisordermakesclientsseethingsdifferently.Theybelievethattheirdistortedorex
aggeratedviewsofasituationareaccurate,makingitdifficultforthemtounderstandwhyothersdonot
agreewiththem.Theytendtodisagreewiththeirattorneysassessmentofthestrengthsandweaknessesof
theircaseandlegalstrategies.Whenchallengedtheybecomedefensiveandentrenched.Carter,supra.For
theseclients,conflictisdrivenbypersonalitiesratherthanissuesorthemoneyinvolved.
Somehistrionicpatternsincludedenialofinappropriatebehavior,inabilitytoacceptresponsibilityfor
theiractions,avoidingmentalhealthtreatment,andblamingothers.Nichols,supra.Howtheseclientsare
handledcanescalateorcontainconflict.
Histrionicpersonalitydisorderexistsin2%to3%ofthegeneralpopulation.Thehallmarksofhistrionic
personalityarefearofbeingignored,drama,andexhibitionism.BillEddy,LCSW,HighConflictPeopleinLegal
Disputes(HCIPress2005).Iftheyarenotthecenterofattention,theymaydosomethingdramatic(makeup
stories,createascene)todrawthefocusofattentiontothemselves.DSMIV,supra.Thesepersonshaveun
derlyingdependencyneeds,whichtheyattempttofulfillbyseekingattention,affection,andstimulation,in
cludingseductiveorsexuallyprovocativebehavior.Theyappearconfidentandselfassuredbutareactually
deeplyinsecureandhaveshallowfeelings.Theymanipulatewithdrama,charm,andtempertantrumsasthey
seekattention,affection,andapproval.
Histrionicpersonalitiesmayexaggeratestories,createdetailednonexistentfacts,andattempttopersuade
youthattheyarevictims.Theyarenotconcernedabouttruthifdistortiontellsabetterstory.Therearefre
quentcrises,emergencyphonecalls,anddramaticreportsaboutopponents.Emotionsmaybeusedtoget
yourattention.
Itiseasytobecomeabsorbedandseduced.Beforeacting,askthehistrionicclientforsupportingdocu
mentsandwitnessverification.Independentlyverifytheclientsclaims.Givetheclientfullattention,includ
ingeyecontact.Avoiddistractions,anddontinterruptwithquestions.Beempathetic.Supporttheperson,
butdontimmediatelysupporttheposition.Supportingunverifiedclaimsvalidateshighconflictbehavior.
Expectandprepareforcrises.Thisisatestofhowyoumanagethesituationandtherelationship.Takethe
firstcrisiscallassoonaspossibletoavoidenhancingclientinsecurities.
Itisdifficulttosettleadisputebecausehistrionicclientsmayseeitasacknowledgmentoftheircontribu
tiontotheproblem.Reframethereasonforcompromise.Thereareenormousbenefitsforyourclientin
reachingsettlement.Doatrialbudget.Includeworkforpleadings,discovery,motions,preparationfortrial,
andtrial.Includefeesforreportersatdepositionsandexpertwitnesses,aswellasincidentalcosts.Discuss
thetimeyourclientneedstodedicatetothelitigationandtrial,andhowitwillaffecthislife.Objectivelyana
lyzeeachissuethatmightcomeupattrial,butdosowithoutchallengingtheclientshonesty.Emphasizethat
eveniftheclientisright,thereisariskthatajudgeorjurywillbelievetheotherparty,theclientwillhaveto
paytheattorneysfeesandcosts,andthequalityofhislifewillbeseverelyaffected.
Arecentillustrationofthis:Beforethemediation,Ispokewithplaintiffsattorney,whocomplainedthathe
wasreceivingseveralmultipageemailsfromhisclientdaily,indicatingthatshedidnotwanttomediate,
thatshedidnottrusthim,andarguingwhyshewasright,thedefendantwaswrong,andwhysheshouldgoto
trial.Duringmediationcaucuseswiththeplaintiffandherattorney,theplaintiffinitiallywasverycharming.
Sheeventuallyberatedherattorney,claimedshedidnothingwrong,andrefusedtotakeresponsibilityfor
anyoftheconflict.WhenIdiscussedthedifficultlegalandfactualissues,shetriedtodeflecttheissuesby
changingthesubject,havingemotionaloutbursts,andaccusingherattorney.Whenherattorneyquestioned
heraboutapparentfabricationofnewfacts,sheberatedhim.After10hoursofmediation,wesettledthecase.
Whenitwastimetosignasettlementagreement,theplaintiffchangedhermind,refusedtosign,andleftina
rage.Overthenexttwodays,Ihadmanytelephoneconferenceswiththeplaintiffscounsel.Theclienthad
bombardedhimwithlengthyemailsrearguingalltheissuesandcomplainingaboutwhatapoorjobhedid.
Theattorneytoldmehisclientwasdrivinghimcrazyandthatsheowedhimalotofmoney.Eventually,the
Published in Probate & Property, Volume 26, Number 1, January/February 2012. 2012 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All
rights reserved. This information or any portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.

clientagreedtoaconferencecallwithbothofus.Wefocusedonthecostsoftrial,thetimeitwouldtake,and
thepossibilitythatthejurymightagreewiththeotherpartynotwhethershewasrightorwrong.Afterthe
conferencecall,theclientsignedthesettlementagreement.
Notallpersonalitydisordersrespondtothesametreatment.Besupportiveofthehistrionicclientsemo
tionalneedsandhissenseofbeingwronged,threatened,ordamaged.Considersuggestingthattheclientsee
amentalhealthprofessionaltohelprelievethestressoftheconflict.Mostimportantly,donotignorethiscli
entwhenfrustratedorangry,oryoumaybehisnextvictim.

Narcissistic Personality Clients

Narcissisticpersonalitieshaveanextremepreoccupationwiththemselves,lackempathy,andseektobe
treatedassuperiorandadmired.Theyareoblivioustotheirownbehaviorandportraythemselvesasvictims.
Theygenerallymakegoodfirstimpressions,appearingconfidentandperhapsarrogant.Theymayhavea
senseofentitlement,believingtheyaremoretalented,intelligent,andattractivethanothers.(Thinkofyour
brotherinlaw.)
Theseindividualscanbedemandingandinflexible.Theymayexploitpersonalandprofessionalrelation
ships.Nichols,supra.Mostimportantly,theydonotacceptresponsibilityfortheirbehavior.Criticismismet
withanextremereaction.Theymayseefailureasunacceptable,becomingupsetiftheycannotwin.Theyare
selfcentered,selfabsorbed,andhavenosensitivitytoothersneeds,interests,orfeelings.Eddy,supra.
Narcissisticpersonalitiesbelieveeverythingissomeoneelsesfault,nottheirs.Theyarerisktakers,dis
dainfulofothers,andoblivioustotheconsequencesoftheirownactions.Theyarefrequentlyindisputeswith
theirattorneys.Manysuccessfulpeople(notincludingme)havesometraitsormomentsofnarcissism.An
overinflatedsenseofsuccessandtalentarecharacteristicofnarcissisticpersonalities,andthisoftenalienates
thosearoundthem.Carter,supra.Narcissisticpersonalitiesconstantlyfeelinjuredbylifeevents.Because
theycannotacceptresponsibility,theyfindfaultwithothers,andthatleadstolegaldisputes.
Relationshipsareseenasopportunitiesforexploitation.Lyingandexaggerationarecommon.Inbusiness
relationships,theymaybesuedforbreachofcontractorbreachoffiduciarydutybecausetheydonotbelieve
theiractionsareharmfulwhenothersdo.Inemploymentrelationships,theymaybesuedforharassment
becausetheyareinsensitivetohowtheyaffectothers.Intrustandestateorfamilybusinessconflicts,they
maysueorbesuedbecauseoftheirsenseofentitlement,senseofsuperiorityortheircompletedisregardfor
theinterestsandfeelingsoftheirrelatives.Eddy,supra,citingD.Dutton,TheAbusivePersonality:Violenceand
ControlinIntimateRelationships(TheGuilfordPress1998).Theirsenseofsuperiorityandlackofempathy
allowsnarcissisticpersonalitiestobeviolenttowardbothfamilyandnonfamily.
Oftennarcissistsreceivenegativefeedbackfromsociety,whichleadstotheiranxietyanddepression.Asa
resulttheymaybecomeabusive.AccordingtopsychiatristChristineD.Forest,understandingthisdynamic
willhelptheattorneybecomemorepatientandempathetic.Narcissisticpersonalitieshavegreatdifficulty
reachingcompromiseandthisleadstolitigationbecausethecourtsystemiswherenarcissistscanprovethey
areright.Compromiseisdifficultwiththesepersonalitiesbecausetheyfeeltheyhavedonenothingwrong,
havenotcontributedtotheconflict,andareentitledtoabettershareoftheoutcomethanothers.
Iftheirattorneyconfrontsthemwiththeirownbehavior,theybecomeextremelydefensiveandmayattack
theirattorney.Theymayevenfiretheattorneyandfindanotherwhoismoreagreeableandprovidesthespe
cialtreatmenttheyexpect.Thispatternmayberepeated.Dr.Forestsuggeststhat,ratherthanconfrontthe
client,bepolitebutfirm.Stressthattheattorneyclientrelationshipisprofessional,notpersonal,andthatthe
attorneysopinionsareprofessional,notpersonal.Bewareoftheprospectiveclientwithahistoryofdis
chargedattorneys.Alwaysaskwhypriorrelationshipsended.
Settingclearboundarieswiththenarcissisticclientisnecessary.Althoughhewantstobendtherulesbe
causehefeelsheisexempt,doingsowillmaketherelationshipunmanageable.Befirmandconsistent.Allow
briefventing.Ifgivenfreereign,thisclientwilltalkabouthimselforrantforhours.Providethisclientwith
positivefeedbacktosupporthissenseofbeingwronged,victimized,ordamaged.Donotsupportunverified
claims,however,orthiswillfurtherfuelhisdesireforjusticeorretribution.
Illustration:Georgeboughtadrycleaningstoreandclaimedtheseller,Sam,didnotdisclosethatthestore
hadbeencitedbythecityforfailuretocleanupawasteleakandthatitwouldcost$225,000toremediate.
Georgestoppedmakingpaymentstowardthepurchaseprice.GeorgeandSamwerebrothersinlaw,and
Georgehadborrowedthedownpaymentfromhiswifeswealthy,elderlyparents.Samclaimedthewastewas
nothisresponsibilitybecauseheownedthebusinessforonlythreeyearsandithadbeenrunover19years,
witheachownercontributingtothemess.IncaucuswithSamandhisattorney,Samsaidhesoldthebusiness
toGeorgebecausehedidnotwanttodealwiththecitationandthecleanupwasnothisresponsibility.Hedid
Published in Probate & Property, Volume 26, Number 1, January/February 2012. 2012 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All
rights reserved. This information or any portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.

nottellGeorgebeforethesalebecauseheneededthemoneytopurchaseanother,largerdrycleaningstore.
Healsowasnotconcernedabouthisfamilyrelationships.HewasdisdainfulofGeorgeandfelthewasfroman
inferiorfamilyandhadnobusinessintelligence.Hewasconfidentajudgeorjurywouldunderstandthathe
hadlittletodowiththeaccumulatedwaste.Whileinthehallway,SamsattorneytoldmethatSamwouldnot
listentohim,beratedhimwhentheydiscussedtrialrisks,andexpectedtobevindicated.Backincaucuswith
Samandhisattorney,wesupportedSamssenseofbeingvictimizedbythepersonheboughtthestorefrom
andbyGeorgewhostoppedmakingpayments.OnceSamfeltsupported,hewasmoretrustingandwasable
tostopfocusingonhisemotionsofbeingvictimizedandinsteadmovehisattentiontosolutionsthatwould
leadtoresolution.
Suggesttothisclientthebenefitsofpsychologicalcounselingtorelievethestressoftheconflict.Thereis
noneedtomentionthenarcissistsbehavior.Counselingmayallowtheclienttobemoreflexibleandmake
yourrelationshipmoretolerableandproductive.

Antisocial Personality Clients

Antisocialpersonalitiesarebyfarthemostfascinating,challenging,anddangerousclientstodealwith.This
groupisskilledatfoolingattorneys,judges,andmostmediators.Theymakeup2%to4%ofthegeneral
populationandhalfoftheprisonpopulation.Approximately70%aremen.Thereisastrongbiologicalcom
ponentinvolved.Nichols,supra.Morethan75%ofsociopathsarealcoholdependentand50%abusedrugs.
MarthaStout,TheSociopathNextDoor(BroadwayBooks2005.)
Theseindividualstakeadvantageofpeople,andintheextremesomeenjoycommittingviolentcrimesto
getwhattheywant.Eddy,supra.RobertHare,professorofpsychologyattheUniversityofBritishColumbia,
explains:Agoodpsychopathcanplayaconcertoonanyonesheartstrings....Yourbestdefenseistounder
standthenatureofthesehumanpredators.Selfawarenessisimpossiblefortheantisocialpersonality.Just
asthesociopathhasnogenuinerelationshipwithothers,hehasonlyatenuousonewithhimself.
Antisocialpersonalitiesexploitothersasameansofovercompensatingfortheirfearofbeingdominated.
Theirhallmarksincludesomeorallofthefollowing:aggressiveness,charm,anddeceitfortheirownbenefit,
recklessdisregardforsafetyofothersandthemselves,desiretodominateothers,impulsiveness,playingthe
victim,andalackofempathy.Theydesirerevengeforwhattheybelievearepastinjustices.Theymayration
alizehurting,mistreating,orcommittingacrimeagainstanother.DSMIV,supra.Someresearcherssayanti
socialpersonalitieshaveaglib,superficialcharmthatallowsthesociopathtoseduceothers,haveakindof
gloworcharismaandgrandiosesenseofselfworth,andengageinpathologicallyingandconning,andpara
siticrelationshipswithfriends.AccordingtoDr.MarthaStout,thereisalwaysfailuretoacknowledgerespon
sibilityforproblems,callousness,noempathy,nointerestinbondingemotionally,andnoconsciousness.
Sociopaths,ultimately,areloveless.Tothesepeople,othersevenfriendsandfamilyareserviceable
gamepiecesatmost.Sociopathsdonotcareaboutotherpeople,buttheylearntoappearemotional.Dr.For
estdescribesthesociopathascapableofengaginginantisocialactsjustforfun,toseehowfartheycanpush
others.Theythenemotionallydetachfromthemtowatchthemstruggle.Thetrueantisocialsareremorseless;
theyarethegrownupversionofthechildrenwhocruellytorturedefenselessanimalsforfun.
Theseindividualsmayusethelegalsystemtoharmabusinesspartnerorfamilymember.Gatheringaccu
rateinformationfromthisclientmaybedifficult.Anantisocialpersonmayomitcriticalinformationandmay
trytodeceivehisattorney.Claimsmustbeindependentlyverified.Also,hemaybeinfinancialtrouble.
Antisocialpersonslackofremorsemakesitdifficulttonegotiatewiththem.Theymaydowhateverhelps
them,includingactingremorseful.Themostusefulapproachwithanantisocialpersonistoremainskeptical.
Acceptthatsomepeoplehavenoconscience.Trustyourinstincts.Flatterymayonlybecounterfeitcharmand
nearlyalwaysinvolvesintenttomanipulate.Likewise,donotbetakeninbyfavors.Corroboratetheseclients
claims.Explaintheconsequencesoffuturemisconduct.Donotbesurprisedwhenyourwarningsareignored.
Bepreparedtoenforceconsequences.Theyareadeptatappearingnormalandcredible.Theyarenotafraid
oflyingorusingandhurtingotherpeople.Theyarenotafraidofauthority.Theycanbeeffectiveinlegaldis
putesthroughtheirpersuasionandsuppressionofevidence.
Antisocialsknowhowtoappealtosympathy.Whenwepity,weare,forthemoment,defenseless.Those
whohavenoconscienceuseemotionalvulnerabilityagainstus.Carter,supra.Ifyoufindyourselfoftenpity
ingsomeonewhoconsistentlyhurtsyouorothers,andwhoactivelycampaignsforsympathy,chancesare
youaredealingwithasociopath.Neveragree,outofpityorforotherreasons,tohelpasociopathconcealhis
orhertruecharacter.Ignoretheplea,Pleasedonttell.Whenhesays,Youoweme,youdont.Whenhe
says,Youarejustlikeme,youarent.Othersdeservetobewarned.
Illustration:Petitionerwasthemotherofdecedentandformerspouseofrespondent.Respondentwasde
Published in Probate & Property, Volume 26, Number 1, January/February 2012. 2012 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All
rights reserved. This information or any portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.

cedentsfatherandsuccessortrusteeofdecedentstrust.Thetrustcalledforequaldistributionoftheestate
tothefatherandmother.Thefather,however,madedistributions,whichhecalledloans,fromthetrusttothe
partiessurvivingdaughter.Petitionerwaselderlyandclaimedthedistributionsweregiftsthatwouldnotbe
paidbackduringherlifetime.Respondentclaimedhespentalotoftimeadministeringthetrustandclaimed
extremelyhighextraordinaryfees.Thisbecamejustificationforhisallegedwrongfulacts,apleaforsympa
thy,whichherepeatedlikeamantra.
Duringthefirstdayofmediationhedidnotappreciatelearningoftheriskoflossandtheattorneysfeeshe
wouldincurattrial.Ontheseconddayofmediation,twoweekslater,Ilearnedfrompetitionersattorneythat
respondentmadeanadditionaldistributiontothesurvivingdaughter.Respondentsattorneywasnotaware
ofthis.Respondenttriedtoconcealthisfromhisattorney,disregardingtheeffectthismighthaveatmedia
tionortrial.Itwasnotuntilthisdistributioncametolightthathebegantocometogripswiththerealityof
losingandthecostofgoingthroughtrial.Thoughheappearedtobeunabletosaynotothesurvivingdaugh
tersrequests,hedidnotcareabouttheconsequencesandwasremorseless.

Double Trouble: Managing

the High-Conflict Personality Clients Enabler

Bewaretheenabler.Thisisapersonwhoisoftenpresentinmeetingswithyouandyourclientandwhopar
ticipatesasmuchormore.Itmayfeellikethereisabarrierorfilterbetweenyouandyourclient.Theenabler
makesitfeellikeyourjobastheattorneyismuchmoredifficultthanitshouldbe.Youmayhavedoubletrou
ble:ahighconflictpersonalityclientandhisenabler.Imaginetryingtotameatwoheadeddragon.Ignoreone
headandyouwillgetburned.
Anenableraidsanotherinpersistentselfdestructivebehaviorbyprovidingexcusesorhelpingthatindi
vidualavoidtheconsequencesofhisorherbehavior.MerriamWebstersMedicalDictionary(2007).Enabler
isatermcoinedinthealcoholrecoverymovement,referringtoapersonwhoenablesaspouse,parent,child,
orfriendtocontinueeitherasubstanceorprocessaddiction.BrianLukeSeaward,ManagingStress:Principles
andStrategiesforHealthandWellbeing(Jones&BartlettLearning2006).Theenablerissometimesreferred
toasanegativeadvocate,onewhoadvocatescontinuednegativebehavior.
Enablersmayprotecthighconflictpersonalitypersonsfromtheconsequencesoftheiractions,eitherpas
sivelybynotchallengingtheselfdestructivebehaviororactivelybyprotectingthepersonsfromtheconse
quencesoftheiractions.Enablershelphighconflictpersonalitypeoplebycoveringupforthem,allegedlyout
ofconcern,loyalty,andlove,butinfacttheyneedtobeneeded.Thus,enablersmayhaveanaddictivenature,
motivatedbyadesiretoavoidargumentsandconflict,andsometimesfinancialoremotionaldependenceon
theotherperson.TheodoreMillon&SethGrossman,PersonalityDisordersinModernLife(JohnWiley&Sons
2004).
Dr.Forestindicatesthatenablersfearconfrontingrealityandaretooafraidtolookatthetragicpicture.
Theydonotknowhowtoaddresstheproblem,sotheychoosedenialandbecomeenablers.Whenyouseethe
personwithyourclientzealouslycoveringupaproblemandtheirpositionisillogical,andyourguttellsyou,
Thisdoesnotmakesense,thisistheredflagforanenabler.Theenablershelpfulnessispartoftheprob
lem,notthesolution.Theenablersattemptstohelpmaintaintheproblem,byminimizingconsequences,
makeiteasierforthehighconflictpersontocontinuehisbehavior.KatieEvans&J.MichaelSullivan,Treating
AddictedSurvivorsTrauma(GuilfordPress1995).
Enablers,intentionallyorunintentionally,advocateforthenegativebehaviorofthehighconflictperson.
Enablersadoptoragreewiththehighconflictpersonsdistortedviewofreality.Beingsupportiveofthehigh
conflictperson,theyfocusattentiononotherspurportedbehavior.Theyhelpthehighconflictpersonavoid
takingresponsibility.Enablerspretendnothingiswrong.Eddy,supra.Whenenablerssupportthehigh
conflictpersonsdistortedviewoftheworld,thehighconflictpersonbecomesmoreconfidentinhisorher
position.Thiscanleadtolegalentanglements.
Someattorneysalsomaybeenablers.Theydonotcarefullyexaminefacts,documents,andotherproofthey
needtosuccessfullytrythecase.Inasmallnumberofmymediations,Iamthefirstpersonwhobreaksthenews
toahighconflictpersonthatthereareproblemswithhisposition.Beforethatmoment,hisattorneyhasnot
helpedhimobjectivelyanalyzetheissuesoflawandfactandtherisksoftrial.Thiscanbequiteashocktothe
highconflictperson.Occasionallythismomentisalsoashocktotheattorneywhoboughttheclientsstory
withoutsufficientlyverifyingtheclaimsordefenses.
Tomanagetheenabler,beempatheticandsupportiveoftheenabler,butnotsupportiveofhisposition.
Supportingunverifiedclaimsvalidateshighconflictbehaviorandtheenabler.Provideconsistentemotional
support.Iftheclientandenablerfeelyouarepullingaway,itcanbeseenasrejectionandleadtoretaliation
Published in Probate & Property, Volume 26, Number 1, January/February 2012. 2012 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All
rights reserved. This information or any portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.

againstyou.Dr.Forestsuggestsnotopenlyconfrontingtheirdenialofthefacts.Trytogivethemanewperspec
tiveonreality,thatis,Haveyouconsidered...orCouldthejudgeorjuryconclude...?Donotgetpulledintotheir
world.Setlimitsonwhenandhowyoucommunicate.Donotbelieveeverythingtheytellyou.Verifywhatyourclient
andhisenablertellyoubeforeactingonit.Encouragetheenablertoletthehighconflictpersonindepend
entlydoallpreparationworkforyouratherthanhavingtheenablerdothatwork.Assisttheenablerinletting
thehighconflictpersonexperienceconsequences,responsibility,andpainoflitigation.

Managing High-Conflict Personality Clients

Setclearboundariesandmaintainthem.Donotgetpulledintothehighconflictpersonalitysworld.Setlimits
onwhenandhowyoucommunicate.Donotgiveoutyourcellphonenumber.Dontbeseducedphysicallyor
emotionally.Avoidbendingboundariestoreduceemotionalintensity.Insistthatyourretainerstaycurrent
becauseoncethisclientfallsbehind,youhavelostcontrol.Remainprofessionalanddonotallowtheclientto
beabusive.Verifywhatyourclientsaysbeforeactingonit.Informyourstaffoftheselimitsandinsistthey
followthem.
Itwillbetemptingtobendboundariestoreduceemotionalintensity.Avoidit.Alwaysbeprofessionaland
donotallowtheclienttobecomeabusive.Thoughtempting,donotignoretheclientwhenyouarefrustrated
orangry.Thiswillescalateproblems.Aboveall,takecareofyourselffirst.
Theseindividualsevokestrongfeelings.Listentoyourmindandbody.Theimmediatereactionmaybe
flight,butotheroptionsincludepreparingandconferringwithcolleaguesandsettinglimits.Givetheseclients
yourfullattentionmaintainingeyecontactisimperative.Makesuretherearenodistractions.Initially,donot
interruptwithquestions.Beempathetic.Mimicbodypostureandthenadoptmoreopenposture.Besupportive
ofthepersonbutnotimmediatelysupportiveoftheposition.Supportingunverifiedclaimsvalidateshigh
conflictbehavior.
Recognizethatinsomecasesthepersonalitydisordermaybetooseveretomanage.Attemptingtorepresent
someonewhowillnotfollowlegaladvice,willnotconsiderreasonableoffers,andrepeatedlymakeslifemiserable
fortheattorneycanbeenormouslyfrustrating.Considerwithdrawingfromtherepresentation.Carter,supra.There
isanadage,Tenpercentofyourclientscause90%ofyourproblems.Getridofthem.Thesooner,thebetter.
Whatwedoasattorneysdependsonwhatisgoingoninsideourselves.Wearealllimitedbyourthoughts,
emotions,andhabits.Bedeliberatelyawareofwhatisgoingoninyourselfandyourenvironment,momentto
moment.Thisgivesyoutheopportunitytonoticethingsthatinfluenceyou,suchasemotionsandphysicalsen
sations.Thesedistractusfromwhatweshouldbepayingattentionto.First,becomeawareofsensations,and
thendecidetoholdontothemorletthemgo.Thatis,ifthereisanger,irritation,orevenattraction,ifyouare
awareofit,makeachoiceaboutwhatisgoodfortheclient,notwhatisgoodforyourself.Mindfulnessallowsus
tounderstandothersandtorespondtootherswithcompassionandempathy.Ithelpseliminateemotionaland
physicaldistractionsthatinterferewithgoodjudgment.
Stayawareofyouremotionalandphysicalreactionstotheclient.Beingawareofthereactionshouldbea
warningalarm.Understandwhatyouarereactingtoandwhyyouarereacting.Considerwhatisgoodforyour
professionalrelationshipandtheclient.Itmaybenecessarytodetachfromyourreactions,tocalmyourmind
andbody,andthentocomeback.Thentocalmlyreply.Withpracticethiscanbedoneinmoments.

Firing High-Conflict Personality Clients

Somehighconflictpersonalityclientsattempttotakeovertheirattorneyslifeorarecombative,abusive,and
donotfollowadvice.Dr.Forestindicatesthereisnoneedtolettherelationshipgetthatfar.Assoonasyou
realizeyouhaveahighconflictpersonalityclientthatiscausingdifficulty,beginbuildingacasefortermina
tion.Therewillbereasonstofiretheclient,buttheymustbeobjective,notpersonal,andwithinprofessional
boundaries.
Createdissonanceprofessionally.Whentheclientisoverlydemandingofyourtime,setreasonablelimits
onwhenyouwillmeetorspeak,orspacemeetingsfartherapart.Whentheclientdoesnotwanttomeetor
speakwithyou,requiretheclienttomeetyoufrequently.Requirethattheclientsbringachecktopayfees
currentateachvisit.Enforcetheseboundaries.
Reframetherelationship.Whentheclientcontinuallymakesoutrageousdemandsofyou,indicatethatthe
clientwouldbebetterservedbyanotherattorneywhoisabletomeetthesedemands.Whenitispossibleto
framethelegalissuesasrequiringtheexpertiseofanattorneyspecializedinthatarea,suggesttheclientseek
suchanattorney.
Keeparecordofalltheignoredrequestsforinformation,ignoredproposals,advice,warnings,missedap
pointments,andfailuretokeepcurrentonbillings.Bepatientwhilebuildingyourcase.Maintainsanityby
Published in Probate & Property, Volume 26, Number 1, January/February 2012. 2012 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All
rights reserved. This information or any portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.

conferringwithcolleaguesanddetachingemotionally.
Dr.Forestrecommendsthat,whenyouwanttoterminaterepresentation,calmlyandpatientlyhavethe
clientfacetherealityheistryingtoavoid.Duringthattime,providetheclientwithaCYAletter,summarizing
theadvicenotfollowed,missedmeetings,billsnotpaid,andsoon.Alwayscommunicateonaprofessional
levelandneveronapersonallevel.Fortheclientswhodonotlistenanddonotwanttohearanalysisandad
vice,donotcontinuetryingtoconvincethem.Donotcreateapowerstruggle.ThisisasfarasIcango.Thisis
yourcase.Dowhatyouwant.Thisisfinal.

Published in Probate & Property, Volume 26, Number 1, January/February 2012. 2012 by the American Bar Association. Reproduced with permission. All
rights reserved. This information or any portion thereof may not be copied or disseminated in any form or by any means or stored in an electronic database
or retrieval system without the express written consent of the American Bar Association.