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Robbins-Madanes Training

Reconnecting with what youve lost Maggie

Film Transcript
C
Cloe Madanes
T
Anthony Robbins
M
Maggie
Audience

C: Do you ever feel held back by a loss that has stopped your progress in life? Do you ever have
trouble smiling or truly letting go with a feeling of love, fun, or joy? How much of your time and
energy is spent struggling with feelings of failure about something that happened in the past?
What would it be like to regain freedom in your emotional life so that you can experience
complete joy and playfulness, even if at other times you still feel sad or fearful? This film will
show you a technique for overcoming loss and finding emotional freedom, no matter what losses
or difficulties you may have experienced.
We begin with Tony Robbins speaking at a seminar in front of 2000 people. Maggie stands up to
talk about the loss of her seventeen-year-old son eight years ago.
T: Whats your name, wherere you from?
M: Maggie Kessley and Im from Suny Valley, California.
T: Wow, a long way. Wow. [Audience cheers]
M: I had to completely shift and, um, realign my values. I didnt realize for the last, um, eight
years Ive been struggling to try to give my sons death some meaning and what I was really
having a difficult time facing was my biggest fear which is failure. And whats the ultimate
failure a mother can feel but not being able to protect their child? So Ive given myself
permission to realign my values so that I can start feeling some joy and some fun [audience
cheers] and I can still give.
C: Maggies feelings are universal for any parent that has lost a child: the feeling that you could
have done better in protecting them and that since they have died, you have failed. Parents feel
this even when there is no possible way that they could have prevented the death. Its not a
logical reaction but it is emotional and it can ruin your life. Having been at the seminar, Maggie
understands that she needs to make a change so that she can experience joy again. This will be
Tonys goal from now on.
[Audience is clapping]
T: Now let me ask you a question. Your son or daughter, who was it?
M: My son.
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T: Your son, what was his name?

M: Leonard.
T: How old was he?
M: Seventeen.
T: He was seventeen years old and you should have been there protecting him?
M: I realize that consciously that wasnt possible but in here, as a mom
T: I understand.
M: That was my job.
T: And what would he want for you?
M: He would want me to be happy right now.
T: How, how unhappy would his spirit be, would his soul be, seeing you the way youve been the
last eight years?
M: He would be tormented.
T: So are you gonna beat yourself up for that too or?
M: No.
T: What was one of the funniest things he ever said to you?
M: Are you really gonna go out like that? [All laugh]
T: Hes talking about your life the last eight years. [Maggie laughs]
C: When Tony asked what was the funniest thing the son ever said, Maggie said it was a moment
of playful criticism. Tonys response was that the sons comment was really about Maggies
behavior over the last eight years. Tonys comment locates the son in the present tense, in a
position of observing and advising her.
Now take a moment. Think of someone who loved you who has since passed away. What would
they want from you right now? What would they say to you about the way youve been living
your life? Do they say that out of concern and love for you? What could you do to honor their
wishes for you? If you like, press pause and write it down. Now Tony will help Maggie to explain
the response she has taken to her sons death.
M: Im sorry.
T: He was talking about your life the last eight years, you heard me the first time. So sometimes
its interesting to step out of yourself and stop thinking that youre the most powerful force in
the universe, cause theres a lot of ego in that and your not an egotistical woman, and
sometimes when we loose something that is a great source of love for us, the way we connect
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with our self is through pain. And so, as horrible as the situation may be, and Ive not lost one of
my children so I can only imagine, I can only imagine, so Im not belittling in any way, but I also
know what youre capable of. And sometimes that first three months, six months, year even two
years, theres so many anchors, therere so many pieces its hard to find that meaning but its
impossible to find the meaning when it becomes an addiction within you to meet your own
ability to connect with yourself, and for somebody whos always taken care of everybody else its
even harder to give yourself that permission.
C: When we loose an important source of love, one way we hold onto it is to connect with
ourselves out of a feeling of pain, guilt, or regret. Although Maggie could not have prevented her
sons death she still beats herself up about it as though this would prolong her identity as his
mother. At some point she became addicted to her pain as a source of connection. Now she
needs to find new ways to connect with and honor her son right now, today. One way to do that
is to find other ways of connecting with her self, apart from thinking about his death.
T: So Im really, really pleased your giving yourself that permission but I think if you were to
close your eyes right now and, do you have a spiritual belief, a religious belief?
M: Yes I do. I believe in God.
C: In order to help Maggie, Tony needs to know the religious beliefs that influence her. If Maggie
believes in God and that her son exists in some way after death, she needs to align herself
emotionally with what she believes. She needs an experience that is not just intellectual but
emotional and physical that will change the way she unconsciously reacts to the fact of her sons
passing.
T: Do you believe in a hereafter?
M: Yes I do.
T: Do you believe your boy then is still vibrant?
M: Yes I do.
T: Then I want you to right now with your eyes closed, Margaret, I want you to feel him holding
you, kiss you on the top of the head, and then looking into your eyes. Feel his presence
completely. You let me know when his presence is completely with you.
M: Hes right here in front.
T: And I want you to listen carefully to what hes gonna say cause what hes gonna say will not
only free you but it will also remind you forever whats the truth. Listen carefully now as he tells
you the truth, thatll set you free.
C: Whenever people get stuck in a position of helplessness and grief, there is always an answer
that they have not been listening to. Tony knows that Maggie already has the answer that will set
her free and that it would be most healing for her to receive the answer through the voice of her
son. Paradoxically, the presence that she misses most in her son is the presence that will answer
her questions now and set her free from her grief.
T: And feel the depth of what he is telling you. That sets you free in every cell in your body. Not
just in your head like you were a moment ago but in your heart, in your soul, in your spirit, your
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hands, your feet, your face, your smile, your eyes. Ears hearing, eyes that now have insight, not
just sight. Feel the strength he sends into you, the strength you knew he always had and now he
feels. Can you feel his strength? Hear what hes saying to you and let it pierce you. Hear the
truth. And as you start to take in the truth, watch him begin to smile when you begin to truly
take in the truth. Not fake take it in, really take it in. Theres no one else in this room whos had a
loss in their life that is severe enough for them to think now about whats really true. Sometimes
the loss is a family friend. Sometimes those losses are not even people, its loss of a, an ideal, a
dream or an innocence you may have felt was taken from you.
Breathe deep. Breathe deep and feel like youre filled with something thats always there. Theres
never been a moment in your life when you went for a breath and the air wasnt there. Its always
there waiting for you. So there is no fear of the past or the present. There is no meaning that is
lasting that is not one that empowers. Theres only the illusion we create. What is the strength
within you that could be activated now? What can be awakened for a lifetime? What could make
you smile where you used to cry? What could make you smile where you used to cry and it would
be a real smile? What m[cuts off] is infused with the love of God, the love of yourself, the love of
life? What could you hear that would make you smile or laugh? What could you do so that you
step forward now? Thats it, and stepped into a new light forever. Never looking back, but
knowing you, its in you, and its before you.
Each step forward brings you closer to that which you love. Each step forward brings you closer
to that which you love most and every day you could take another step. Sometimes we think its
too far away, but we all know that adage that the greatest journey begins with, the journey of a
thousand miles begins with a single step. We know that phrase. Its time to live it.
When youre filled with faith, you know that everything youve ever needed has been provided
for you, its time to take in the precious present, the presents that have been given to every one
of us. Maybe what you need to do is take some baby steps. Little baby steps is all you need. A
bunch of little baby steps become a big step. Its so easy. Thats it. Thats it. Thats it. Forever.
Thats it. Thats it, forever with a joy that comes with that, everyday waking up looking forward
to the day. Looking forward to what the next steps will bring. Looking forward to glorify and
laughing, appreciating every moment of life forever. Sometimes we get the giggles for no good
reason and then we know theres an unconscious gift in it all. And that was just for you Margaret
and no one else. It had nothing to do with anybody here, especially those who couldnt relate to
such a situation because they havent had that situation. What do you feel now?
M: God loves me.
T: Yea. Always has?
M: Yea.
T: Always will. And you love God?
M: Very much.
T: I know. Thats why you smile. [Maggie laughs] And what did your son tell you?
M: That Im a beautiful free spirit that needs to be out there.
T: Mm. How big did he smile? Give her a big hand for this. [Audience claps]
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C: When we are in grief we are mourning a part of ourselves that we miss, the happiness we felt
in the past, or the presence of mind we should have had to prevent a tragedy but paradoxically,
when we over focus on grief we are also preventing ourselves from being whole right now in the
present. As long as Maggie was focused on the circumstances of her sons death and what that
meant about her as a mother she was unable to be the mother that she needed to be for him
right now. She has to let go of the responsibility she feels for the past in order to be fully
responsible for herself right now in the present. When she can let go of her grief she can be the
mother that she was meant to be.
T: How big did he smile when you got it? Cause you didnt get it right away, did you?
M: No.
T: Where did it go in your body when it, when you, when it finally penetrated you? Where did
you feel a rel[cuts off], enter, penetrate, or release?
M: It was in here.
T: Yea.
M: And my sons smile which I dont see very often any more.
T: Well how could he smile when youve been sitting there beating yourself [bleep] up for eight
years? Would you be smiling if he was miserable for eight straight years?
M: No.
T: Beating himself up as if he did something to you? No. Is he also more whole now?
M: Very much so.
T: Can you feel that?
M: I see a whole being.
T: Yea. Guess what?
M: What?
T: Now youre being the mom you always wanted to be. [Audience claps] Is that just a bullshit
phrase or is it the truth?
M: No, its very much the truth.
T: Yes. So now you can reclaim the pride along with the happiness.
M: For a change.
T: Yea. Hows that? Now, lets talk about getting laid. [Maggie laughs] Cause thats the real
reason youre depressed. [Maggie laughs]
C: Tonys joke contains an important truth. People often focus on one part of their life as if it will
solve all the other parts and meet all of your other needs. Just as focusing on money will not
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help you to experience love, focusing on the loss of happiness will not help you to be happy right
now. Tony wants to make sure that Maggies need for connection and love are being met by a
real living person in her life.
Now take a moment to ask yourself, when you focus on your loss, what are you trying to
retrieve? Happiness from the past? An identity about yourself? A source of love and connection
that you felt has been lost? Now ask yourself, what are you doing to experience these things right
now: happiness, identity, and love. The truth is that these feelings are only experienced by being
fully present in the moment. Tony will now help Maggie to experience the love she felt with her
son in a new way.
[Maggie and audience are laughing]
T: Now food will never replace that intimacy with the right person.
M: No.
T: I know youve been with the wrong person. Right?
M: Yea.
T: Yea. You dont have to hold your breath on that. Youve been with the wrong Who heres
been with the wrong person? Say, I. [Audience answers I] More than once. Say, I.
[Audience answers I] To a level of extreme stupidity that its hard to even imagine and you
kind of laugh cause otherwise you wanna kill your f[bleep]in self. Say, I. [Audience answers
I, Tony laughs] Youre amongst family, [audience laughs] the family of humanity.
M: Yea.
T: It would be very interesting if you were to take your sons love as Gods love, and Id like you
to put that microphone in that persons hand right beside you, hell hold it for you, and Id like
you to take your hand like this and I want you to do this with your fingers which really doesnt
mean anything but it really feels good. [Audience laughs] And I want you to take your hands like
this and I want you to bring, first bring this hand on your heart, which is not very far from your
breast by the way, and then youll bring this hand on top, like this, and I want you to breathe in
your heart [Tony inhales and exhales deeply] and I want you to imagine in your heart all of your
sons love and his wicked sense of humor. [Maggie laughs] Thats right [Tony laughs], thats
right. His wick cause he has a wicked sense of humor, doesnt he? Yea, I know. And what I
want you to do right now is I want you to feel all that inside and that humor, that wicked sense
of humor and his love, and then I want you to feel all the love Gods got in you, in fact I want no
one else to do this. Standing up now. [Audience laughs] Because no one else here has ever had
anyone in their life who did something that hurt their heart, did they? No one has had that
experience, have they? I didnt think so.
So what Id like you to do is Id like you to just breathe for a moment. Breathe in your heart,
deep in your heart. But when you breathe deep in your heart I also want you to feel a strength,
like a renewal. Feeling that renewal, like wow. There must be something there that loved me
enough to give me the gift of life. I didnt have to earn this life, I didnt have to pay for this body,
thank God, could you imagine the expense? This heart keeps on beating even though I ignore it
most of the time. A hundred thousand times a day this heart beats, pumping through sixty
thousand miles of blood vessels. Thats enough, by the way, if you put em end to end they go
around the earth twice at the equator. Thats whats in you.
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Think of the power of your heart, pumping along, feeling what you need, even when you pretend
its not. Think of the ears you have that you didnt have to pay for, didnt have to work for.
Theyre just given to you as a gift. Who gave you that gift? Where did that gift come from? What
made you so worthy of that gift? How about those eyes that can see so much and take it in, turn
it into feelings. Whats it like when you look at the crashing waves, a magnificent flower, or a
man or woman you love, a child? And all those eyes helped create that. The muscles you move
with. Think of the power of this gift right now. This gift called you and what you reside in while
youre here. How about that tongue? Now thats a gift. What has that tongue given you in the
past that you cherish, appreciate, enjoy. Hmm. How about that skin that can feel a caress or
excitement or tension or touch?
Feel it. Feel the magnificence of it all, the power of it all. And you may be wondering, what made
you deserving of this? And some of you forgot that you won the race. You remember the race
that you began many, many, many moons ago? Remember it now. With your eyes deep inside
you, filled with energy and love and your heart as well, remember it.
You got up early that morning, you put on your Nikes, you were very excited. You knew this was
the most important race of your life. You fully prepared, you lined up at the starting line, and the
one gun went off. Bam! And you and ten million other sperms went on the race. [Audience
laughs] Then you were swimming your ass off, tail wiggling like crazy, and you had to get there
at just the right time. If you were first you didnt win and if you were last you didnt win. You had
to get there at just the right moment and boom! Nail that egg. [Tony and audience laugh] And
you were the victor over ten million other sperms and this is the booby prize: [audience laughs]
your life. You won! You won! Youve already won. Yes, you are more than significant. Youre
more significant than nine million nine hundred ninety nine thousand other sperm. [Audience
laughs] So just think: I am the victor. I could have ended up on the side of the walls some place
or something. [Tony and audience laugh] Stuck in between some magazine pages. [Audience
laughs] But not me! Not me. I was one of the special ones that made it, one of the few who do
versus the many who talk. What a victory. And standing over your body you are the prize. You
are the prize. This is the trophy: life. Life. Your life. Some of you forgot you won, and theres a
reason.
Along the way, the unbelievable love that created you, the unbelievable love that created you,
you forgot because somebody didnt like you in the moment, love you in the moment, was mean
to you in the moment, and Im just wondering if you can think of some people who didnt love
you and it hurt you but if you could do it from a place of going, I wonder why? If it wasnt me,
and it really wasnt, could it be they felt insignificant themselves? Could it be they felt uncertain?
Could it be they felt like they werent enough in all kinds of other areas? Could it be someone
else didnt love them? Could it be they dont realize they were the sperm that won the race? And
I want you to do this. Open your eyes and youre gonna take your hands and youre gonna
breathe in your nose like this [Tony inhales rapidly] and youre gonna build energy right in here
and then what were gonna do is this. Youre gonna take your hands out and your gonna go
[Tony inhales] and then youre gonna bring your hands in where your hand that the fingers are
held on top and youre gonna bring it in. Touch your heart like this and youre gonna feel like
when youre doing this [Tony inhales] in through your nose and like your snapping out to the
stars all the love youve ever felt in your life, the love you have for God for letting you, being the
victorious sperm [Tony inhales, audience laughs] and youre gonna feel like youre connecting all
the stars. Then youre gonna bring it in and you bring it in and bring that love back into you and
bring it back behind you and into the people that never loved you. They never loved you cause
no one loved them. They never loved you cause they didnt know how to love. It had nothing to
do with you.
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I want you to think of the people that hurt you most and send that love back in. So take the love
in your heart, breathe it in, [Tony inhales] and as you snap it out, how high? Raise your body up
high, your arms up high. Feel an extension like youre, youre taking in, youre snapping love into
the stars, bringing love back inside you, and then back behind you into your past that anybody
who didnt love you and fill them up, and then back out again. Feel all the love youve got and
then in, all the way in. Again. Strong, in, all the way back to those who need love. Out, in, out.
Feel all the energy, all the love youre having, spinning in the stars, then bring all the love in the
universe into your heart, deep into you and behind you. All those that didnt love. Back up again.
All you can feel, extending out to stars, take everything in the stars in. Out again. In, out, take
the breath in, out. Faster now. Every time you give it out more energy. Breathe it in and out your
nose now each time. Every time you breathe in, bring more, bring it all the way back. See all
those people filling up faster, stronger. [Tony inhales and exhales rapidly]
Extend it all the way up. Feel yourself filled with more love than ever before. Then bring it in, all
the way back to everyone whos ever needed it, including you. Think about all those people that
hurt you. Just feel them filled with love. If they would have had that love they could have loved
me. So Im a give it to them cause Im the winning sperm. Get a hug from the person next to you
and have a seat.
Whoooa, yes! Maggie, tell us. Give her microphone back. So, what about your son?
M: What would you like to know? [Tony laughs]
T: Give her a hand ladies and gentlemen, [audience cheers] give her a hand.
C: When Tony asked Maggie about her son she responded openly with no sign of pain. Her grief
is healed. At the beginning of the conversation Maggie had stood up with the feeling of
constriction and un-consolable grief. Intellectually she knew better and she knew that she had to
realign her values and her beliefs but emotionally she did not know how to do it. Tony
recognized that she was trapped in an old pattern of grief that had become addictive. By focusing
on the loss of her son and her sons love Maggie had learned to connect with herself in a very
intense way. Maggie needed a full body experience where she understands the importance of
letting go of her sons death. Tony guided her to experience her son telling her to let go. Next
Maggie needed a physical exercise that she could do on a continuous basis to help her to expand
her heart and her love beyond her focus on her son. By expanding her love she will strengthen
herself and find a deeper meaning in her life and in her love.
Here are some steps for overcoming loss and rediscovering love and joy in your life:
First, what are the true deeper wishes of the person you have lost? What would someone that
loves you want you to experience in your life? Would they want you to let go, to find the ability
to smile, or would they want you to dedicate your heart to expanding your love and helping
others?
Second, what needs have you been trying to meet by remaining in grief? When people loose an
external source of love they often find an intense way to give themselves love and connection
through their grief and suffering. This can become addictive and very destructive. What are
some of the ways that you can experience love and connection? Who else in your life could
receive your love and connection right now?

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Third, focus on gratitude. Gratitude is a special emotion because the presence of gratitude erases
conflicted emotions such as anger, guilt, and fear. What can you be grateful for? Think for
instance in your human body, the air you can breathe, and the comforts of privileges you enjoy
compared to so many people around the world. If you want to be realistic about your life you
need to honor and feel grateful for these privileges.
Fourth, expand your love beyond a single source. It is easy to believe that all of your love comes
from one person but it is not true. You only feel the love that you give. Practice the exercise of
sending your love out to the world and feeling it return when you bring it back in. This will make
the experience of love more plentiful in your life.
Fifth, remember to focus on your body. So many people become stuck in one or two emotional
states without realizing that they can always use their body to shift their emotions. If you are
feeling sad or depressed, pay attention to your posture and your breathing. By stretching your
body, breathing fully, and doing the expansion exercise that Maggie did you can shift your state
to one of gratitude and openness whenever you need to.

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