Vol. LXI, No.

THE GARGOYLE
The University of Torontos Runner Up Since 1954

16 November 2015

SPORTSBALL

ON

CAMPUS

Those sports teams are at it again! The Gargoyle investigates who was hitting what balls with which paddles. What was
the meaning behind it all, and who was watching? Is there really a God watching over us? pg
STUDENT POLITICS

STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS: UTSU SUES

STUDENT BODY

Student/defendant turnout less than 5% PG 69

STUDENT LIFE

UC LIT CANCELS FRESHMAN JOUSTING

AFTER STAFF RAISE SAFETY CONCERNS

Rules in favour of jetpack drinkoff PG 2

INSIDE

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THE GARGOYLE

2 NEWS

monday 16 november 2015

submissions@ucgargoyle.ca

THE GARGOYLE
Issue 5
Vol. lxi

photo of the week

15 kings college circle

room f6
toronto, on m5s 3h7
(416) 946-0941
ucgargoyle.ca

MASTHEAD
managing editor-in-chief
sophia park
content editor-in-chief
penelope evans
opinions
glynis starrunner
arts & culture
aziz yilmazkaya
science
e.g. pask
avant-garg
anya zaporozhchenko
comics
penelope evans
copy-editor
emma fox
production manager
susan yan

Young students play soccer outside University College. NASA Crew of STS-132/THE GARGOYLE

illustrator
susan yan
staff
haley park
alexandra tesla
blvcktoques
erik dean
iris robin
ted zhang
staff emeritus
mackay-clt
illya mykytyn
lo ileea
carla mesa guzzo
sebastian watts
front cover
sophia park & penelope evans
back cover
h. elizabeth
contributors
chris cannistraro
alan coleridge
h. elizabeth
arielle grimes
shania perera
kieran stacey
emily sweny
vanessa varsity

THE EXPLAINER
about this issue

As students grab issues of The Gargoyle, they discover a newfound dignity within themselves. Eminating from the
scant dozen pages comes a faint light and the absence of penis. After years of parodying themselves, The Gargoyle
has moved on to bigger and better papers for inspiration.
You pick up the issue. You softly smell the pages.
Ah, my favourite, you coyly remark to yourself.
The irreverent homosexual pornography of
The Gargoyle. Ive loved you like Ive loved the
basement of Innis College. Wait, whats this?

Sometimes when a paper deeply admires another

paper, that paper has certain urges not unlike your
own.

You violently rifle through the pages, tearing off

section D from space and time. But the dicks are
absent. Gone is the loving embrace only a man can
provide another man.

When two papers at a university are bordering

on incest, however, a repression of these urges is
desirable. One way to repress these urges is to
transform themselves absolutely.

Instead is award-winning journalism in a dollar

store package.

In full.

Do not imagine the paper boner.

In entirety.
This is how you find The Explainer:
1. After three days in the depths of University
College, you find a map. This map has no title,
has not been touched in three years. You can
just sense the three years absence, after all.
2. Crawling on your hands and knees through the
hidden sewers where the mutant students are
kept, you find another map. It points back to
your start. How foolish of you!
3. The third map is protected only by the silver
fangs of a rubber snake. You nervously
dispatch it. Seems like that one might come
back to haunt you.
4. Boo! The Explainer was behind you the whole
time! He was hiding and was waiting for you,
because you needed something explained!
That is what he does!

They look as if a shadow of their sister paper.

The Gargoyle has only deep fondness for The
Varsity. This is why your explicit, visceral mandate
was replaced with award-winning journalism in a
dollar store package. This is the essence of their
sisterhood.
Thats kind of sweet.
They think so too.
Wait, I can feel it flowing! This is it! Im
unstoppable!
I am going to leave now.
...

Ive sought you out, The Explainer, you whimper.

I havent had a boner in ten years. Explain that!
The blood did not flow to your member.
Oh. Is there a solution?
You must come to understand this Varsity Issue.
It is an issue not unlike other issues, and yet, this
issue will become that which we even fear to utter.

Im back in bonertown.
Yours in sisterly love,
Sophia Park and Penelope Evans

monday 16 november 2015

THE GARGOYLE

University of Toronto tormented by otherworldly ritual

What are sports? The Gargoyle investigates
h. elizabeth
TROUBLED FRIEND

This past week, Joshua Delbert, a second

year University College student, made
a shocking discovery. While on his way
to class, Joshua found himself drawn to
strange chanting coming from north of
Hoskin Avenue. The chanting was so
compelling, said Joshua, that he ignored the
warnings given to him by his frosh leaders:
I was told that beyond Trinity College
lay a pit where robed men sacrifice the
proletariat freshmen, and that if I were to
pass beyond its copper towers I would be
putting myself in certain danger. Though I
found no pit, I found something even more
terrifying than any sort of sacrifice.

occur on campus, and how long it has gone

on under their noses. Joshua claims that his
discovery has troubled him so much that
he is considering transferring to OCAD,
as there is little chance of such ritual
overtaking the arts university.
So far, the office of the Provost has issued
no statement.

The chanting led Joshua to a structure akin

to the ancient Roman Colosseum, where
fellow students had donned full regalia
and face paint. They took turns running
and smashing into each other, as onlookers
demanded that they to bleed blue. Joshua
remarked that they seemed possessed, as
if something was compelling them their
own destruction. When I tried to ask an
onlooker what was going on, they emitted a
strange noise, and when I asked again they
barked SPORTS .
Sports has been the word on the tip
of the University of Torontos collective
tongue, as faculty and students alike
wonder what exactly caused this ritual to

In defence of fascism
The size of the f makes all the difference
ALAN COLERIDGE
CONTRIBUTOR

Im a fascist. There, I said it. When you

think of fascists, you probably think of
Nazis. Well, Im not a Nazi. I cant believe
I needed to say that.
The distinction between Nazis and fascists
is vital to political discourse of today; it
is as delicate as the difference between
the bourgeois and the upper class. What
is even more vital, however, is the difference between Fascism and fascism. While
Fascism may have more capital, size isnt
everything.
As a fascist, I despise Fascism, which is a
radically right, anti-Semitic, transphobic,
ableist, racist, sexist institution. fascism,
on the other hand, is a complex form of
educated conservatism, free of any such
prejudices; any reservations that fascists
have regarding minority groups is entirely
based on fact, such as the facts that one
reads in The Varsity. Besides, fascism is
only slightly classist and even that is for
the general good of humanity.
Poor people, as we know, are poor because
they failed at some crucial aspect of life.
Take me for example. I was poor once. I
started as a prince. My father was dedicated to hiding the suffering of life from me,
but one day I left my palace and saw the
world for what it was: I saw a dying man, I
saw a poor man. I left home that day and
decided to change the world. That was a
psychologically trying time, and it is when
I reflect on this portion of my life that I

nearly sympathise with those who demand

trigger warnings in every conversation.
I daresay I may have PTSD, though my
psychologist hasnt quite figured it out
yet. Anyway, I pulled myself up by my
bootstraps, became an ascetic monk in the
wilderness and now Im working an unpaid
internship on my way up the journalism
ladder.
I would argue that it is my enlightened
position that got me here. Were it not
for fascism, I would still be where I was:
depressed and without a Ferrari.
Alan Coleridge is a fifth-year philosophy
specialist at Trinity College.

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