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Citation: 6 J. Contemp. L. 231 1979

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THE NEW (LEGAL) DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

Robert J. Morris*
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) was one of America's great and cynical
humorists. He began writing devilish definitions for a weekly newspaper in 1881 and these became a book entitled The Cynic's Word Book
in 1906 - the predecessor in interest to what we know as The Devil's
Dictionary.
Unfortunately Mr. Bierce did not live to see the great advances in
American jurisprudence which have beset, nay plagued, the latter half
of the twentieth century. Thus in this particularly crucial and arcane
area his Dictionary is notably deficient, for the redress of which condition the following seventy odd definitions are most humbly offered.
It is earnestly hoped by this author that this present addendum may
work to the end that the name of Bierce might take its richly deserved
place on the jurist's bookshelf along with the likes of Prosser, Corbin,
and Crater. For whatever edition of the original Devil's Dictionaryyou
may possess, the following is offered as a pocket part (q.v.).
Alienation, n. Use of the Socratic method (q.v.). In property law,
the making of enemies, especially of one's family, in land swindles,
mine saltings, horse-trading and will-making.
Appeal, n. In law, a Ptolemaic faith born of a Newtonian hope in
the bosom of a Galilean fool living in a Euclidean universe.
Assignment, n. In contracts, an action whereby A, the assignor,
transfers to B, the assignee, certain rights or obligations. If A transfers equally to both B and C, the latter take equally, each being a
half-assignee.
Bankruptcy, n. The light at the end of the tunnel. A second chance
at incompetence and fraud. A reprieve from justice which ought to
place the debtor in jail if you, but not if me.
Black Letter Law, n. Concrete, solid law, embodying such substantive and tangible concepts as title, corporation, justice, implication,
and truth, not to mention the intent of the legislature.
Bright Line, n. A legal sign seen as through a glass darkly on a
listing ship about to capsize in its own vortex.
Citation, n. Decoy; an exercise wherein law review writers make
"creative bibliography" via footnotes which take the reader's eye off
J.D. Candidate 1980, University of Utah College of Law.

231

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the ball. Often abbreviated "cite," which is said to be for sore eyes,
but is in fact a cause of sore eyes. A speeding ticket is a citation, as
is an honorary doctorate - proving that cops-and-robbers is not a
game confined solely to academe.
Code, n. Encrypted language which must first be decoded before it
can be understood. Some codes, such as the United States Code,
have never been decoded or understood and thus are'relegated to
that arcane library which contains Egyptian heiroglyphics, scriptural exegesis, and most television scripts.
Commerce Clause, n. In constitutional law, the universal solvent.
The true Christmas Saint who brings goodies to all, to be distinguished from Santa Claus, who merely brings them if you've been
good.
Hitch your wagon to a star
Makes no difference who you are
Total power's yours because
You've a friend in the Commerce Clause.
Gert Pakalolo
Commercial Paper, n. Fodder; paper in forms which can be traded
or pledged for value, sold outright, or given as gifts. Legal pads,
notebook fillers, toilet tissue, newsprint, purloined research papers,
old tests, and canned briefs are commercial paper.
Con Law, n. The law of cons, and sometimes of ex-cons, all of whom
receive greater protection thereby than the rest of us. To be distinguished from "con game," which occurs in plea bargaining and rate
increases for public utilities and other monopolies.
Concurring, adj. Dissenting.
Contracts Clause, n. In constitutional law, a great black hole, once
a quasar but now relegated to the realm of the Privileges and Immunities Clause.
Conviction, n. (1) If you're a crook, the law's way of telling you to
slow down. (2) Something you believe with all your heart, might,
mind, and strength - for the purpose of this litigation, anyway.
Criminal Lawyer, n. A grammatical redundancy, like "tiny infant"
or "sweet sugar."
Cure, v. To ripen or season, as a ham or a default. It takes about
four months in a smokehouse and a thousand dollars worth of sugar
to cure a default.
Distinguish, v. (1) To bestow the title of Juris Doctor and thus to
outfit in a three-piece suit. (2) To explain crucial differences be-

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DEVIL'S DICTIONARY

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tween apparently similar cases - such as differences in typeface,

the names of judges and their spellings, uses of commas, and paragraphing. Some opinions, like some judges, are never distinguished.
Due Process, n. Equal protection.
Equal Protection, n. Due process.
[NOTE: The two definitions immediately preceding have been condensed from the law review articles and legal treatises of 5,000 eminent jurists, whose scholarly perspicacity has greatly advanced legal
knowledge throughout the known world, if not within our holy religion.I
Equity, n. From Equus, the horse. A system of getting around the
law at full gallop wherein one horse's arse gets from another that
which he couldn't get by due process of law (q.v.).
Execute, v. To carry out, as certain miscreants are carried out to the
guillotine.
Fee, n. Absolute ownership, as of your property by your lawyer.
Fiction, n. A kernel of truth in an otherwise usual legal opinion.
Going Public, v.ph. Streaking or flashing past the front door of the
S.E.C.
Headnotes, n. Graffiti. Interstitial material composed between a full
house and a royal flush upon a wall of separation to aid in one's
briefs.
Hornbook, n. A scholarly legal treatise which poses one of the few
true existential dilemmas left to us since Vietnam, to wit, whether
to believe what it says is the law or what the professor says is the
law - the two usually being mutually exclusive.
Immaterial, adj. Substanceless, ghostlike, ephemeral; descriptive of
the quality of work usually done at the state capitol or by Congress,
as well as the quality of service rendered by public commissions.
Inalienable Rights, n. pl. Those rights which the Army takes from
you during basic training and gives back to you one by one as privileges.
Incompetent, adj. Tenured.
Incorporation, n. In constitutional law, magic, sleight-of-hand,
whereby the nine-man prestidigitator chooses a number between 1
and 10 and changes it into a 14; in business law, a gathering of eagles
about an incorporeal carcass for the purpose of skinning the body
politic and getting immunity for themselves.

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Indian, n. Living proof that constitutionally mandated racial discrimination is alive and well in the United States, if not in Tucson.
Indigent, n. A poor person, often of a minority, always recognizable
because he or she is the one who usually goes directly to jail, does
not pass Go, but does collect $200, in welfare.
Infamous Crime Against Nature, n. Total abstention from good
wine, imported liquor, Columbian coffee, and fine cigars.
Infant, n. Child, Little Devil, liability, vandal. The living proof of
one's own folly, libido, mortality, and rapidly approaching death.
Irrelevant, adj. A characterization I apply to some interest of yours
about which I don't want to talk or am ignorant of.
Jargon, n. A Greek mythical hero, a golden god, who got fleeced.
"When trying all the whys and whats
Or simply lying on our cots
Our minds are full of blanks and blots,"
Quoth Jargon and the astronauts.
Porfiro Wong
J.D., Lat. Juris Doctor, an academic degree conferred for the purpose of authorizing its recipient to doctor the law, as well as heel
himself.
Journal of Contemporary Law, n. Successor in interest to Slick
Comix. A most serious and scholarly treasury (a fact proved by its
publishing this Dictionary), containing things both old and new, but
mostly obscure.
Judge, n. Ringmaster. v. To toss a coin.
Judicial Review, n. A song-and-dance routine; mummery. Often
spelled "revue" and accompanied by a smorgasbord. A process of
immense cost-benefit value to the public in that it combines author
and critic in the same judge. To be compared with "law revue"
which does not depend on talent.
Jury, n. Twelve or fewer average dupes, a full jury still being somewhat less than a full deck. Jurypersons are often referred to as
"peers," but you and I know that we have no peers. If it were so, all
of them would, like the poor defendant, likewise be presumed guilty
and would be his accomplices in crime. Lucky for us the Constitution does not mandate twelve jurors, else our follies would be paraded before more witnesses than absolutely necessary.
Justice, n. (1) A judge (q.v.) raised to a higher power; (2) mirage.

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Law Review, n. Warranty; validation of the law school experience

and one's boggling investment there, if not one's very existential
meaning in an indifferent, duty-risk universe. Job security and anonymity rolled into one.
Life, Liberty, and the Pursuitof Happiness, n.ph. A cheap cigar, a
can of warm beer, and thou.
Lis Pendens, Lat. The sword of Damocles. Constructive notice,
which means about as much as constructive pregnancy.
Lives, Fortunes,Sacred Honor, n.pl. A trinity which once made its
fleeting appearance upon this continent, but then disappeared
again, giving rise to the speculation that God is a leftist and Dred
Scott his vicar.
Meander Line, n. From water law, descriptive of the train of thought
of a typical law review comment, court opinion, or law school Socratic discussion.
Mr., Ms., n. An honorific appelation used in direct address. When
used in law classes to simulate respect and formality, a prostitution
of the honorific.
Mortgage, n. A Faustian transaction with the home-buyer in the
role of the good doctor.
National Debt, n. The only aggregate sum of money greater than
your student loan, the United States and you owing a living to
somebody or other.
Negligence, n. Bread and butter.
Of the People, By the People, For the People, prep. ph. An exercise
in being prepositioned by a whore.
Oil and Gas, n. pl. Cause and effect in a Mexican dinner.
On all Fours, adj. ph. Descriptive of one's bodily position during an
interview with the dean, senior partner, or judge. In case law, a
precedent whose headnote (q.v.) numbers match.
Outline, n. A capsule summary in writing, or skeletal diagram, of a
law school course, any relation of which to that which will be tested
on the final exam being purely coincidental.
Per os, Per anum, Lat. Inscription often seen on the shingle of a
dentist and a proctologist who are in the same office, if not cahoots.
Pocket part, n. The best part-coming after the IRS part and the
alimony part, on the way to the bank.

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Pollution, n. A brooding omnipresence in the sky.

Privilege Against Self-Incrimination, n. Free admission of guilt in
open court, when exercised; the bearing of testimony; the irrebuttable presumption of guilt. Automatic conviction on a hanging tree.
Quasi, adj. A meaningless particulate which no one knows the pronounciation of and which is always hyphenated in English words
like quasi-contract and quasi-judicial. No one knows the origin of
the word, if word it be, but many within our holy religion, as well
as scholars at Notre Dame, claim that continued usage of the word
gives one a hunchback, a theory which certainly rings a bell.
Rational Basis, n. Our guess.
Ratio Decidendi, Lat. About 9 to 1.
Redemption, n. When a miscreant Note meets its Maker.
Resume, n. A capsule summary in writing of your incompetence, if
not irrelevance and immateriality. Unjust enrichment for the
printer, and impediment for you. The only publication you will
probably ever get.
Reversion, n. Backsliding to your old pre-law school ways, including
a sense of humor, the milk of human kindness, values other than
money, and never saying, "Sue the bastards," or "estoppel."
Risk-Creating Conduct, n. Trial, especially to the court.
Rules of Construction, n. pl. Statutory rape.
Self-Dealing, n. The capitalist shuffle, played by the board of directors, who are real cards that ought to be dealt with.
Seriatim, Lat. A rank of heavenly beings a little lower than the
chubs.
Separation of Powers, n. ph. The exercising of the awesome power
of government only on odd or even days, most days at the capitol
or Congress being odd, by a totalitarian government. The placing
of the separate bureaucracies to which you must repair to get a
driver's license in as widely disparate locations as possible so as to
maximize inconvenience to the taxpayer. Cutting the legislators off
from all contact with the people so as not to allow facts to impinge
upon their judgment.
Sic Utere Tuo Ut Alienum Non Laedas, Lat. The two aliens growing
in this womb are not ladies.
Socratic Method, n. The soybean extender of law school, stretching
what would otherwise be a one-year course at most into a three-year

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curricular nightmare high in cholesterol. Spoon-fed textured vegetable protein.

A teacher whose method Socratic
Proved bilious, inane, and erratic
Did his homework one day
Reading Plato, they say,
And then stored his technique in the attic.
Clem A leksandreyevitch,
"The Lawyer's Chapbook"
Sovereign State, n. Federal vassal.
Stream of Commerce, n. River of blood; flood of litigation.
Strict Scrutiny, n. Voyerism of a suspect class.
Sua Sponte, Lat. The Portuguese navigator who discovered Blackacre and claimed it for his prints.
Supreme Law of the Land, n. ph. Decisions handed down by OPEC,
GM, AT&T, ITT, IBM, and USS.
Trademark, n. Prepuce tattoo.
Treaty, n. In Russian, the other half of "trick or."
Trier of Fact, n. Believer in fiction (q.v.); at times, the judge, the
jury, the wife, or the mother-in-law.
Uncle Sam, n. Your rich uncle from whom, however, you will never
inherit because at present he is without a will.
Widget, n. A silver new nothing with a handle. Widgets can be
purchased only in lots of 1 million and are manufactured only by
defendants.