CANCHOR April 1, 2010 1

Contents
NEWS CANCHOR Vol. 82, No. 23 2010

3 Chilean Earthquake
Knocks Earth Off It’s Axis.
How freakin’ crazy is that?
SCIENCE!

4 Obama Declares Cute

Cat Videos Harmful to Ameri-
can Economy. Obama takes a
stance against Internet Cats.

5 New Fossil Solves

Extinction Mystery. Dinosaurs
wrapped it before they tapped
it.

6 Gamer to Play for De-

prived Gamers. Gamer holds
solo marathon for gamers
everywhere.

7 Gigantic Kitten Fights

Godzilla in Times Square. Two
walk in, one walks out in this
epic catfight.

8 Chess Club Sabotaged

by Average Joe. Conspiracy
comes of of old VP puts Club Sensual Message Aaron Buckley slathers Editor Andrew Augustus in soothing lotion. Photograph by Alexander Hoffman - Canchor
in checkmate.

LIFESTYLE ARTS SPORTS

13 Soy un Perdedor. So-
cialists give our Raver a leg
cramp.
16 How to Survive a Zom-
bie Attack. The Canchor’s
own zombie tells you how to
survive.
17 McDonald’s. We review
the best of them all. Greasy
burgers.
21 Justin Beiber’s My World
Rob rates this album as
2.0.
WORST. ALMBUM. EVER.
22 RIC Mainstage Changes
Shows Again. “Chicago” and
“Pippen” are exit stage left.
In comes “Carousel.”
24 America the Beautiful.
For those cheap and easy
dates, try Patriot Cinemas.
28 Editor in Chief Takes the
Plunge. Kam faces biggest
challenge of his life in Costa
Rica.
29 RIC Now Home to Midget
Tossing Champion. Seriously.
We couldn’t make this shit up.
30 NFL Becomes NFFL. The
NFL goes for the flags.

18 Spice Up Your Life. Have

great sex by joining your local 24 Rock Hunt and OSFS 31 March Madness Snips.
BDSM scene.
Festival Headline April Enter- Vesectomies go up during big-
tainment. WXIN holds yearly gest basketball week.
concerts yet again.
19 Bermuda Triangle. Ever
feel like you just need to 25 Attack the Gas Station.
disappear for a while? Or Contains: Chinese Delivery
forever? Gangsters. A must see for
everyone.
How to Raise Your
Xenomorph. Because who 27 The Bluffers. A silly car-
doesn’t want an alien who’ll toon you’ve probably never So I herd u liek Mudkipz. Canchor Layout Editor
have babies through your heard of. Daniel Jordan heard about your interests. Photograph by
stomach? Madeline Maloney.

on the cover: Photograph by Hayden James for CANCHOR.

The Canchor is student-run and published weekly during the academic year. Editorial decisions for The Canchor are made by a majority vote of its student editorial board. No form of censorship will be
imposed by the college. Any material found to be unsuitable or unacceptable in the board’s opinion will not be published. The views expressed in The Canchor, unless otherwise noted, are those of the
individual authors and do not necessarily represent those of The Canchor or of Rhode Island College’s faculty, administration or student body. The first copy is free. Each additional copy is $2.25.
Copyright © 2010 The Canchor. All rights reserved.

2 CANCHOR April 1, 2010

 World News:
Kitten vs. Godzilla

News
page 7

OBAMA AGAINST KITTENS NEW FOSSILS DEPRIVED GAMERS KITTEN VS GODZILLA AVERAGE JOE

Chilean Earthquake Knocks Earth Off Its Axis

Truly badass rendition of Earth’s inevitable destruction in 2012 courtesy of zastaki.com.

An 8.8-magnitude earthquake in Chile killed over 790 people in February,

but NASA tells us that the quake also produced a greater global effect.
The earthquake actually knocked the Earth slightly off of its figure axis – the
axis about which the Earth’s mass is balanced – by about three inches. The Earth’s
north-south axis was offset by about 33 feet. This caused, among other things,
our days to become almost imperceptibly shorter by about 1.26 microseconds (microseconds being one millionth of a second).
Earthquakes making this kind of global change is not a new concept, though. The 9.1-magnitude Indian Ocean earthquake in
2004 generated a tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands is said to also have shifted the Earth’s axis by just under three inches,
but likely shortened our days by 6.8 microseconds.
Richard Gross, a JPL research scientist, developed the preliminary calculations on the effects of the Chilean earthquake with
a group of fellow researchers. According to him, despite the higher magnitude of the 2004 earthquake, its effect on the Earth’s
rotation was smaller. Quake location and the angles and position of the faults responsible play a significant role in how and to
what degree things are affected. Whereas the 2004 quake took place relatively near the equator, the Chilean earthquake took
place in the mid-latitudes, which gave it more power over the axis.
The most powerful earthquake ever recorded (at magnitude 9.5) occurred in 1960. The quake was called the Valdivia earth-
quake, named for the Chilean city that was the most affected. – By Brian Walsh

CANCHOR April 1, 2010 3

 News

Obama Declares Cute Cat Videos

Harmful to American Economy
By Edward Taylor

In an emergency joint session of Congress, President Obama declared that cute

Internet cat videos are hindering the progress of the recovering economy. Surprised reporters in
Washington, who had assumed the session was to discuss the recent passing of the health-care bill, were
surprised to find large screens mounted on the House chamber walls. The meeting was one of the few meetings in
recent congressional history where every member was in attendance.
While waiting for the president to arrive, large screens played videos demonstrating what some call, “A plague on
American efficiency.” Congress was shown videos of cute cats which were posted online, including largely popular videos such
as “Keyboard Cat” and “Ninja Cat.”
Bellowing laughter and “aww” sounds could be heard coming from the House Chambers, frightening several employees. Slide-
show videos of what many call “Lolcats” were a hit with most of the congressional members. Several members of Congress were
later found quoting some of their captions to one another after the meeting.
Mr. Obama, an hour late to the emergency session, was reported to be stuck in traffic. The president began his speech directly
upon his arrival. The large screens which had been playing the topic in question were turned off, which resulted in the sighing
disapproval of Congress.
Mr. Obama declared a state of emergency, declaring that cute and also funny cat videos were hindering the recovery of the
American economy. Mr. Obama went on to say that workers are distracted by these videos while working in the office, and that the
e-mailing of these videos among coworkers causes a chain reaction. Companies allowing their employees to surf infamous Web sites
such as YouTube were shocked to find a decrease in their workers’ productivity. The president added that several companies have
gone out of business from “cute cat video addiction.”
The president’s speech moved on to those even more affected by the shocking phenomenon. The unemployed are one of the
demographics most largely affected, he said. The videos keep the unemployed glued to their computers rather than looking for work,
and there has been a major spike in Cheeto consumption as a result of this. Another demographic was students, with one out of every
four students claiming they either failed a test or neglected to finish a paper as a result of online cat videos. Kitten videos seem to be
most devastating among women.
The president’s eye-opening two-hour speech could only be described as awe inspiring. Mr. Obama, not having enough time to
set up upon his arrival, used no teleprompters, and the speech ended with a standing ovation by the members of Congress.
“It was poetic, and changed my life,” a janitor who accidently stumbled into the session said. He spoke on condition of anonymity
because he had not yet mopped the hallway.
President Obama left the Capitol and returned to the White House to work over the next steps in fighting what he called “the
online menace.”
While some are still divided, many in Congress believe that the control of how many hours people are allowed to watch cute cat
videos online is necessary, and that is the last speed bump in the road to economic recovery. Meanwhile, others have been reported
I can haz article? Courtesy of culturekitten.com

saying that Obama’s new plan is a Communist plot and they “have a right to watch as many kitten videos that they can possibly
stomach.”
While there is a major division among the left and right on this hot-button issue, there is one thing that is certain. A once innocent
picture of an overweight cat with the caption, “I can has cheeseburger [sic],” has sparked a debate that may change a nation.
Several days later, an Obama staff speech writer stepped forward with words of apology. He stated that Obama had not been stuck
in traffic, but that his speech was unprepared, as he had attempted to watch only a few videos for reference while writing the speech
but became distracted for over four hours.
Vice President Joe Biden could not be reached for comment. His assistant told The Canchor “he [was] too busy pwning noobs
and leveling up his night elf hunter.”

4 CANCHOR April 1, 2010

 News
New Fossil Solves
Extinction Mystery
By Rahm Foreskis
A new find from the Liaoning Province in China may
finally answer the question of why dinosaurs went extinct
roughly 65 million years ago.
An actual Paleontological rendition of red hot dinosaur sex courtesy of Raul Martin.
It has been the consensus of the scientific community, based
on iridium levels in a specific layer of the Earth’s soil, that at
the end of the Cretaceous period a large asteroid struck the
planet and caused a chain reaction that resulted in mass ex-
tinction. However, recent studies suggest that the asteroid was
merely the final blow and that the dinosaur population had been
steadily decreasing for a time before the catastrophic event.
The Liaoning province, already famous for producing re-
markably well-preserved fossils and providing proof that many
dinosaurs had feathers, has now offered evidence as to why
there was such a decline. On March 26, scientists unearthed a
fossil of two dinosaurs in the act of mating, the male wearing
what is clearly a primitive condom.
Yes. This is a dinosaur condom. Your argument is invalid. Courtesy of willywardrobe.com
CANCHOR April 1, 2010
“At first we thought it was the first preserved dinosaur geni-
talia,” said paleontologist Henry Diggins, who discovered the
specimen, “But then we noticed that no other soft tissue was
preserved. Moreover, we noticed a distinctive rim as well as a
reservoir tip that identified it unmistakably as a prophylactic.”
The sheath appears to have been made from pebbled skin,
probably from a herbivore or a small reptile, that was haphaz-
ardly sown together. Scientists theorize that the skin must have
been fairly absorbent in order to be effective as birth control.
“This proves that dinosaurs, or at least the therapods [car-
nivores], were much smarter and more dexterous than we’ve
previously given them credit for,” said Diggins. Evidence also
suggest that this was already a common practice when these
animals were killed, since upon closer inspection the contra-
ceptive was fitted with a number of barbs and grooves, sug-
gesting its duel role as a pleasure enhancer.
“This makes sense, as the specimens have been identified as
velociraptor mongoliensis,” Diggins said, “and we all know
raptors were freaks.”
It should also be noted that these are the first V. mongoliensis
specimens found outside of Mongolia, making this discovery
doubly rare. As to how these animals came to use such ad-
vanced birth control methods – or any at all, for that matter
– scientists postulate that sexually transmitted diseases during
the Cretaceous period must have been as much of an epidemic,
if not more than, they are today.
“Fortunately, or unfortunately depending how you look at
it,” said Rhode Island College paleontologist Percival Wulfric,
“these animals had no concept of abstinence, so the lack of
misinformed abstinence-only education methods meant that
diseases and pregnancies actually did decrease, as opposed to
our society.”
Wulfric, 32, said he is expecting his first grandchild.
A cast of the specimen will be put on display at the Boston
Museum of Science later this year.
5

Gamer to Play For All Deprived Gamers
By Hayden James
Rhode Island College super
senior Justin Darwalington, 32, has
announced that he will be off the grid
for about three days for his annual
Gaming for Deprived Gamers Marathon
(GDGM). The event is in memory of
Darwalington’s friend and founder of
GDGM, Thomas Jeremy, who died
tragically when he forgot to eat and
drink anything during release week for
“Gears of War” in 2006.
Due to his current unemployment
status, he has had to change the usual
event location from his apartment to his
mother’s basement. He said the move
hasn’t shaken his resolve to play video
games and that nothing should come
between a gamer and their television
screen. He did admit though that oc-
casionally he lifts his legs off the floor
when his mother is vacuuming.
“This event is very important to me
because I know that there are gamers
out there who have jobs and friends who
might not have the time to play Xbox
or even Playstation,” said Darlington.
“I know how tough it is being a gamer
with a life…well, no, I don’t, but this
is for them. I’m playing for all of those
people that sacrifice their time online
for regular lives.”
The event usually lasts for several
days, and typically takes a weekend.
According to Darwalington, several
games are selected for play, which he
then attempts to beat as soon as pos-
sible. If he hasn’t finished a game, the
event isn’t over. During last year’s
GDGM he selected “Assassin’s Creed,”
6 CANCHOR
News
“Bioshock,” “Dirt 2,” “NHL ’09” and
“Coffeetime Crosswords.” During the
third day of consecutive and uninter-
rupted gameplay he was halted halfway
through “Coffeetime Crosswords” by
a pizza delivery ordered by an alleged
prankster neighbor.
“I remember being furious that some-
one could be so disrespectful to me and
to this tradition,” said Darwalington.
“It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t right, it was
absolutely despicable.”
The alleged prankster, Matthew Pic-
carelli, was a neighbor in an adjacent
apartment from Darwalington’s who
claimed that it wasn’t a prank at all but
rather an attempt to get Darwalington to
eat something.
“I know him well, and I know how
dedicated he is. I know he wouldn’t stop
to eat on his own. He’s a great competi-
tor but everyone has their limits,” said
Piccarelli. “If I thought I could I’d be
there right beside him, but I just don’t
have what it takes. He might consider
me his enemy now – but that’s the sacri-
fice I was willing to make to ensure that
great gamers continue to play.”
Darwalington did admit he liked the
pizza.
This year’s selection include “Battle-
field: Bad Company 2,” “Forza Motor-
sport,” “Final Fantasy XIII” and “Cof-
feetime Crosswords II.” Darwalington
plans on completing the “Coffeetime
Crosswords” first to avoid any interrup-
tions.
“I didn’t complete the first one [“Cof-
feetime Crosswords”] but I’ll complete
the second. This is something I have to
do for gamers everywhere,” said Dar-
walington. “I cleared it with my mom
already and she said she won’t be admit-
ting anyone into the basement. I know
this year’s marathon is going to be one
to remember.” Courtesy of trippenbach.com.
April 1, 2010
 News

Gigantic Kitten
Fights Godzilla in
Times Square
By Dan Mothra

NEW YORK – During a blood feud, a mutant

kitten, standing over 100 feet tall, and the legend-
ary Godzilla destroyed Times Square and most of the
Manhattan borough of New York City, causing over $9
trillion in damage. During the attack over 9,000 New
York residents were killed, 20,000 were wounded and
10,000 still remain missing. Godzilla eventually beat the
kitten by luring it with a nearby tuna freighter into power
lines and then proceeded to disappear into the sea while
growling angrily.
Many residents who survived the attack turned their
anger on President Barack Obama. In the words of one
resident, who spoke on condition of anonymity because
he was not authorized to release any information, “If
Obama wasn’t so dead set on passing that damn health-
care bill and had paid more attention to global warming,
the iceberg that held Godzilla would never have melted
and we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
Other residents claimed that it was divine punishment;
according to Manhattan resident Marian Ditonno, the
attack was from God, judging America for performing
animal testing to measure the effects of recent stem cell
research.
Regardless of the reasons for the attack, New York
Courtesy of the screaming, screaming people of New York City (hear shown not screaming).

Mayor Michael Bloomberg called for a unification of the

people, saying, “Despite this terrible disaster, we must
stand together as a city and as a nation. The only way
the people of New York will recover from this attack
is through unification with those around them and the
assistance of the American people not directly affected
by the attack.”
President Obama also commented on the attack; in an
interview with Brian Williams, anchor of “NBC Nightly
News,” he said, “I don’t think that anyone could’ve been
prepared for such an attack and I commend the people,
firefighters and police officers of New York City for their
actions during and after the attack. It is imperative that
the rest of America provide assistance to those in need.”
The feud was reportedly started on March 22, when
Godzilla, after being agitated by the noise and lights
surrounding New York, spilled the mutant kitten’s milk
saucer, causing the kitten to retaliate.
It seems that this time, there are plenty of reasons to
cry over spilt milk.

CANCHOR April 1, 2010 7

 News

Average Joe Sabotages

Chess Club
By Nick Roads

The Rhode Island College Chess

Club has allegedly been mired in ob-
scurity in recent years, and word on
the street is that the man responsible
for running the club into the ground
is none other than former club Vice
President Joe Robillard.
The Chess Club’s fall from the elite
student organizations on campus has
gone largely unnoticed, but several
anonymous sources have speculated
that Robillard has had a hand in the
club’s downfall.
The Canchor launched an investiga-
tion, and asked Robillard to comment
about the accusations being charged
against him. After taking a moment to
collect his thoughts, Robillard began
typing on Facebook chat. He said,
“They say the Russians have fixed
chess; have made it great. I say that
me, ME, I made chess great. And now
I must destroy it.”
Robillard’s puzzling remarks
prompted more questions than answers,
which lead The Canchor to investigate has dispelled the notion that the Chess time president and founder of the RIC
further, digging for the truth behind Club is floundering, and discovered Backgammon Club, disagrees.
the story. Chess Club founder and two- that it is, in fact, hosting a prominent “I don’t give a [expletive deleted]
time President Nick Lima was asked tournament on the Rhode Island chess what they say, the Backgammon Club
to respond to the accusations against scene this spring. is hands down the best gaming club
Robillard. “The Chess Club isn’t failing, we on campus. The Chess Club can go
“I have no idea what you’re talking will be co-sponsoring the Rhode Island [expletive deleted] themselves.”

about. What are you, an idiot?” Lima,
the current club treasurer, said.
Current Chess Club President
Matthew Boyden-Wilson said, “Joe
[Robillard] was a busy man when he
was involved in the Chess Club, he had
a passion for the game, but sometimes
he didn’t have the time to come to
meetings.”
After seeking the truth, The Canchor
State Chess Championship in May,”
said Boyden-Wilson in interview.
According to club Secretary Hayden
James, the Chess Club isn’t failing; its
rise to prominence on the RIC student
organization scene is just beginning.
“We’re doing big things now,”
James said, “and Joe was a big part of
the beginning of those ideas.”
However, Frank Wellington, two-
Joe Robillard plotting at Chess Club last year. /Mandy Wray Dion
Wellington also said that he thanked
Robillard for “bringing the Chess Club
down to where they belong – in the
gutter of RIC clubs.”
While opinions may vary wildly
about whether Joe Robillard destroyed
the Chess Club, clearly big things are
in store for the organization, but the
Backgammon Club may have other
plans.

8 CANCHOR April 1, 2010

 FALSE ADVERTISMENTS

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10 CANCHOR April 1, 2010
CANCHOR April 1, 2010 11
 Staff Information

THE CANCHOR
EDITORS

Editor-in-Chief
Kameron Spaulding
editorinchief@anchorweb.org

CANCHOR STAFF CONTACT Managing Editors

Katie Carroll
Casey Gaul
Chet Argobast • Milton Beige • Mike General 401.456.8280 managing@anchorweb.org
Dikda • Rob Duguay • Rahm Forenkis Advertising 401.456.8544
Editor-in-Chief 401.456.8790 Business Manager
• Lo Ho • Balls “Balls” McCoy • Dan Fax 401.456.8792 Vacant
Mothra • Cross Roads • Dan Ronelia • Web www.anchorweb.org business@anchorweb.org
Edward Taylor • Braaaaaain Thomas • News Editor
General Information
Weyland Yutani info@anchorweb.org
Hayden James
news@anchorweb.org

Lifestyles Editor
Adam D. Bram
opinions@anchorweb.org

A&E Editor
Justin Wilder
arts@anchorweb.org

Sports Editor
Andrew Augustus
sports@anchorweb.org

Layout Editors
Sam Mandeville
Daniel Jordan
layout@anchorweb.org

Photography Editor
Mandy Wray Dion
photography@anchorweb.org

Graphics Editor
Zach Serowik
graphics@anchorweb.org

Copy Editor
Nicholas J. Lima
copy@anchorweb.org

Technology Director
Alex Tirrell
technology@anchorweb.org

Advertising Manager
Nicholas Bernardo
ads@anchorweb.org

Circulation Manager
Adam Chapasko
distribution@anchorweb.org

Faculty Advisor
Lloyd Matsumoto
lmatsumoto@ric.edu

Professional Advisors
Doug Hadden
Rudy Cheeks
12 CANCHOR April 1, 2010
 Opinions

Soy un Perdedor
Stark Raving Mad
By Adam D. Bram

People…I am scared. I am scared

for my safety, I am scared for your safety
and I am scared for the safety of America.
America, this country I love so much. I
love the freedoms of this land. But these
freedoms are being taken away one by
one.
I wish this weren’t so. I’d love to tell
you that everything was okay, that we
weren’t heading into a fiery apocalypse
as stated in the Holy Book. I’d love to
tell you that I’m just being needlessly
paranoid and that I just need medication
and a straitjacket. But I just can’t do that.
It would be doing you all a disservice.
The government, the Maoists and the
Nazis that have been given free reign
over this great nation are taking away our
right to feel good.
The other night, I was lying in bed,
when the back of my thigh contracted
in a painful way and stayed there. The
socialists gave me leg cramps. I know
this because my leg was not being flexed,
nor was it deprived of oxygen or water.
The temperature did not dramatically
fluctuate, I always keep my salt levels
high, and my period isn’t for another two
weeks.
“But Adam,” the naysayers might say,
“what makes you think it was the gov- Chinese…Food. People, they’re Stewart will copy me exactly and try
ernment?” The clues, people. There have putting chemicals in our Chinese food. to make you think I’m crazy, but think
An artist’s rendition of the future of America courtesy of Adam D. Bram.

been clues, and I’m sorry I’m not up to
my usual standards; I didn’t notice until
it was too late.
It was when the so-called vice presi-
dent swore on live television during the
Interesting side note: what kind of gov- about it! Louis C.K. is a stand-up come-
ernment do they have in China? Commu- dian. They’re like musicians, in that they
nist! They’re putting cramping chemicals can tour all over our country. He can visit
in our American Chinese food in order not only the food chains, but also all of

The only defence against the Socialists./Photographer

passing of the unhealth-care bill. What
we thought was a gaffe was really a code
to our communist president. Let’s just
examine this word, this filthy word that I
will not utter here for your sake.
First there’s the F, followed by the
U. Put that together, it spells Fu. Fu is
a Chinese word meaning “happiness”
or “blessing.” It also sounds like how a
baby would ask for food without being
able to talk.
to turn us into China! And the so-called
president is happy about it!
But who is actually carrying this out?
They have to be using a third party, or
else more people would be on to them.
Well, if we go back to the board here,
Biden’s true gaffe is telling us exactly
who the government has carrying this
heinous act out.
C, K.
Comedian Louis C.K.!
I know you may scoff. I know Jon
our nation’s reservoirs in one fell swoop!
Wait a second…Jon Stewart used to be a
stand-up comedian…Oh my god, he’s in
on it, too. And neither of them are strang-
ers to the word in question!
People, I’m not telling you to take
down Louis C.K. or Jon Stewart in order
to save our country. Not at all. I’m telling
you to take down Louis C.K. and Jon
Stewart to save yourselves! Nobody likes
cramps! You’ll have to excuse me for
now, for I feel a good cry coming on.

CANCHOR April 1, 2010 13

 Opinions

Where is the craziest place you’ve had sex

on campus, not including your dorm room?
Q & Canchor
ANONYMOUS
‘On stage during the Vagina Monologues...it was more STAFF ACCOMPLISHMENTS
interesting than watching people read for two hours.’
Zachary Serowik Creative Writing (aka future retail manager of
I’ve had to help someone into
America). 20XX. a moving car during a faulty
Chinese fire drill.
‘You know that little balcony by Browne? Yeah...no
Got pulled over by campus
one goes there.’ police while underage with 30
SAM2 Making Things Pretty.
beers, two open in the cup hold-
Graduating Class? Haha. ers and two stolen state signs,
and was told to just hurry up
‘The roof of the Student Union. and get back to my dorm.
With your mother.’ Curled. With the stones and
Cassie Gull Major: Shooping.
the brooms on the ice.
Class of Fuck You.
I gave away my fake adoptive
‘The Quad during Free Period. You couldn’t see me cuz son at his demonstrative gay
wedding.
I’m a ninja!’
Translucent Penguin I don’t fucking know! With a minor in linguis-
Stole a stop sign, a Do Not
tics. After Colony 196. Enter sign, and an 18-foot
Dunkin’ Donuts sign.
‘The Donovan truck. Who knew they didn’t lock that
Slept with the former SCG
shit?’ treasurer in attempt to acquire
Sailor Jupiter. Fighting evil by moonlight.
funding for a purple Anchor
Class of 1997. bus.

‘In the back of the Athletics golf cart, or so I’ve been Walked across the top of the
sky bridge.
told...I don’t remember.’
Warren Turner Communications.
Smoked weed on the 2nd floor
2013 of Donovan. Rode in the pas-
senger seat of a stolen car.
‘Inside the sky bridge during free period, and on Weber Never been to jail.
Beach.’ Consumed a live goldfish.
Wan Koff Majors in Sex Outside (Public Relations).
Graduates: When I feel like it. Touched first vagina when I
was 7.
‘In the Greenhouse; we had to use some plants as a
12 years in the woods, spend-
make-shift condom.’ ing all my time with small
Kiss & Don’t Tell Majoring in Pun-tang.
boys...earning my Eagle
Will be in college for my whole life. Scout Rank.

14 CANCHOR April 1, 2010

 Photo of the Week

This week’s winner:

Laura Horton
I felt that, to know the man, you must see the man.
Submit your photos to
photography@anchorweb.org
CANCHOR April 1, 2010 15
 Lifestyles

How to Survive a
Zombie Attack
By Braaaaaaain Thomas

With spring just around the corner, you

know what that means, zombies are thawing out
and it is time to prepare for the oncoming hordes of
zombies. Everyone is looking for advice and who
better to ask than a zombie? So, here I am to answer
all of the questions that have been gnawing at your
brain.

Where is the best place to go on campus in

case of an attack? The best place to go in case of
a zombie attack is the Quad. Now, you’re thinking,
“Won’t the quad be full of zombies?” Yes, and that’s
why it is the perfect place to hide. They will expect
you to hole yourself up in a closet or something, not
be right under their noses (if they still have them
attached).

What should I do if I see a zombie? The average

person would tell you to run, but that’s silly. Zom-
bies see by motion. If you see a zombie, you should
stay perfectly still. In fact, lie down on the ground,
stomach up. Everyone knows zombies don’t look
down. While you’re at it, close your eyes. If you
can’t see the zombie, they can’t see you.

If I have a chance to prepare, what should I

bring/wear? Bring as much as possible! Remem-
ber, this may not be a zombie attack, it could be
the apocalypse. You should bring everything that
is valuable. Forget survival stuff, animals survive
in the wild all the time and they don’t need tents or ropes. If
you bring that stuff, everyone will make fun of you – even the
zombies.
As for what you should wear, bring loose and baggy clothes.
If a zombie can’t tell how much meat you have on you, they
might ignore you. Zombies are picky like that. If you really
want to confuse the zombies, cover yourself in meat sauce. Your
scent will baffle nearby zombies, allowing you to move freely.
Should I bring a gun? What are you, a Republican?
vampires. There is only one way to truly kill a zombie: tickling.
It is a little-known secret that zombies are very ticklish. So
ticklish, in fact, that by doing so, they will instantly fall apart.
However, please do not go around killing my brethren; I
like them very much. In fact, there is one thing a zombie wants
above brains, and that’s a hug. It is why we hold our arms out
when we walk. If you give a zombie a hug, make sure to make The only defence against the Socialists./Photographer
it a full hug, with your head on our shoulders. By exposing your
tender neck to our ever-hungry jaws. It represents a sign of trust
that will touch us to our no longer beating hearts. We will in no
way take advantage of this to bite you and eat you. I promise.

If I have to kill a zombie, what is the best way? I shouldn’t Well, I hope that helps answer your questions. If you have
tell you this, after all these people are my brothers and sisters. any more you can always visit me at the Ducey Media Center.
However, I did start this article, so I might as well do my due I’m in the basement chained, but don’t let that frighten you. I
diligence. Some people think that beheading zombies is how broke the lock weeks ago.
you kill them. That’s just a Hollywood myth, like sparkling

16 CANCHOR April 1, 2010


McDonald’s
High-Quality Foodstuffs
By Milton Beige
Hello all, and welcome
to the first installment of The
Canchor’s new restaurant
column, High-Quality Food-
stuffs. This week, we have
a rare find: A wonderful and
fairly obscure restaurant called
McDonald’s.
My friend and writing
partner, Mr. Snuffles, dressed
up in our best outfits and trav-
elled down a small road to our
destination. The atmosphere
was incredible, with pleasant
colors and lighting bright
enough for me to actually see
what I’m eating. It made me
feel very welcome – especially
when an employee actually
said, “Welcome,” as soon as
we walked into the door,
before immediately asking for
Chef Ronald McDonald knows the value of good exercise before cooking. Promotional still courtesy of McDonalds.
our order. This level of service
CANCHOR April 1, 2010
Lifestyles
is sadly unheard of in most of
the gourmet world.
The amazing thing about
this restaurant is the speed
in which our food arrived.
No sooner had we put our
order in, than our appetizers
arrived. We ordered a delec-
table finger-food they call a
“McNugget,” which is lightly
breaded and seasoned chicken
in bite-sized cuts. We had not
even finished these when the
main course arrived. Now, as
I am watching my figure, I had
gotten a simple salad, but I was
pleasantly surprised to find
pieces of delectable bacon hid-
den in the ranch dressing. Mr.
Snuffles, however, received
what I assume is the signature
dish: a multi-layered sandwich
dubbed the “Big Mac.” When
I smelled that intoxicating
bouquet, I just had to ask Mr.
Snuffles for a bite.
It was heaven. I tasted a
double-helping of ground beef,
crisp lettuce, American cheese
(land of the free!), fresh dill
pickles and bulb onions, and
a sauce with a taste I could
not put my finger on. When I
asked the young waiter what
the sauce was, he told me it
was a secret, which is a won-
derful marketing strategy. Not
only that, but it came with the
most delectable pommes frites
I have ever eaten. It was as
though my mouth was having
an orgasm.
Sadly, we had to leave in
the middle of dessert. We
ordered a scrumptious apple
pie, but Mr. Snuffles got it all
McDonald’s
736 Branch Avenue,
Providence, R.I.
over his fur and needed to be
taken home and washed right
away. Fortunately, we took the
pie, as well. When we got the
check, we were astounded to
find that the entire meal had
cost us less than $20 Ameri-
can! They probably lowered
the price because of Mr.
Snuffles’ accident, but it’s still
a great bargain for such amaz-
ing food in such an amazing
atmosphere.
One last note: I have
recently caught wind of an
aggressive expansion plan, so
you may soon find one of these
incredible eateries near your
location. I surely hope so, for
McDonald’s certainly is High-
Quality Foodstuffs.
Rating: 5 out of 5 esophagi
17
 Lifestyles
Spice Up Your
Sex Life
By Casey Gaul
Has your sex life lost that spark? Do you get the
feeling that your partner is becoming bored with the same old
sexual routine? Are you bored? Give BDSM a try! First thing’s
first:
Set a safe word.
A safe word is any word that you’re unlikely to say during
play that signals to your partner that you’re no longer comfort-
able with the situation. This is essential, because in some role-
playing scenarios, such as rape fantasies and other situations
18
where you might pretend to
resist, saying “no” or “stop” is
part of the game.
Safety is important. If you and your
partner are using any kind of bondage,
make sure you have a strong pair of scissors or
alternate cutting implement nearby so that no one gets stuck in
problematic bindings.
Decide whether you’re the slave (submissive) or the
master/mistress (dominant).
The slave usually does whatever his or her master/mistress
commands them to do, from sexually pleasuring their partner to
being a whipping post or subject to other forms of pleasure abuse
(e.g. hot wax, clothespins, spanking, or even tickling). While
experimenting, you can try switching roles with your partner to
figure out where you feel most comfortable and most sexually
aroused.
Couples new to the world of BDSM should generally start
small. Find one aspect of the lifestyle that you find exciting and
Photos of what your love life has been lacking courtesy of sodahead.com and the Internet.
implement it in the bedroom. If that works out well, expand your
activities, picking and choosing what you and your partner find
enjoyable.
Simple bondage is a good way to start out.
Find a good pair of cuffs. Hand cuffs, fuzzy cuffs, leather
cuffs, anything will do. I would specifically recommend Japa-
nese Silk Love Rope cuffs that come in the wrist size and ankle
size. These cuffs are especially good because they’re comfort-
able, effective and can easily be removed by the wearer should
it become necessary. In early bondage play, you can do anything
from spanking to just having your way with your partner.
Another staple of BDSM is the clamp. Whether it’s clothespins
or high-quality nipple clamps, these accessories can add a lot of
fun to your playtime. Remember that they aren’t for everyone,
though, and keep an open mind and an open ear.
Remember, as in any intimate sexual relationship, communi-
cation is key. Always be aware of the needs and concerns of your
partner and don’t be afraid to express your own to them.
CANCHOR April 1, 2010

The Bermuda Triangle
Travel Tipz
By Lo Ho
Have you ever wanted to travel to
someplace mysterious and full of wonder?
Do you wish to travel to a place where
you won’t want to leave? You might want
to try the Bermuda Triangle on for size.
The Bermuda Triangle stretches out
from the Straits of Florida, the islands
of Bermuda and Puerto Rico, forming
a triangle that stretches for miles. You
wouldn’t have to worry about sharing
your space or whiny little children. It’s a
great location no matter the time of year.
It’s always warm and sunny and you may
just want to stay forever. Most vacationers
are known to love the locality so much,
they now call it home. A matter of fact,
the first visitors arrived on Dec. 5, 1945
and still sip on the finest cocktails and
soak up the sun.
There is plenty of space for you to call
Square miles and miles of tropical paradise. Courtesy of whoyoucallingaskeptic.wordpress.com.
CANCHOR April 1, 2010
Lifestyles
home for your stay in this tropical get-
away. There are many abandoned cruise
ships and passenger planes just floating
along the sea and offering you the classi-
est of accommodations, but what if you
are on a budget? Travel from land on a
canoe, water dingy or a life raft and you
have affordable accommodations for your
stay.
The Bermuda Triangle also offers
many forms of entertainment. Seasoned
travelers to the area love the nightlife.
Over the past few years, more and more
nightclubs have been popping up where
you can mingle, drink and dance. For
kids, there are a few playgrounds on ships
to keep them busy. For elders, there is
enough shuffleboard to pass the endless
hours you spend in the triangle. For the
single males and females, there are also
a few strip clubs and a number of Chip’n
Dales locations to relieve your loneliness.
The Bermuda Triangle is a great place
to stay for a week, but keep in mind, you
may not want to leave. Make sure you
have a going away party before your
departure to this land of mystery, just in
case you don’t come back. Just make sure
you pack enough socks and underwear,
because I guarantee you that you won’t
come back. There are new vacationers to
the area every day – you will never meet
the same person twice.
Make sure the Bermuda Triangle is
on your list of places to visit before you
die. Make it last because, like I’ve said, it
could be the last place you will ever see.
So, grab a boat or a plane and head down
to the Bermuda Triangle. You will have
the time of your life.
19
 Lifestyles
How to Raise Your Xenomorph
By Weyland Yutani
So you have decided to acquire a
Xenomorph to be your companion and
guardian. Xenomorphs, however, require
a lot of love and care. This guide will
help you raise your new friend in a way
that ensures years of happiness.
Though you surely have considered
this in making your decision, it is impor-
tant to stress once again that this will be
a very expensive endeavor. It is best to
have a large income, and a small fortune
saved, before starting on the path to ob-
tain your new pet.
Step 1: Acquiring the eggs: The
best way to find your Xenomorph is to
hatch it yourself. But before you take this
step, you must prepare your home for
the new arrival. The ideal place to raise
a Xenomorph is in a large space. Open,
but private, and easy to clean. Also, make
sure there is a large enough enclosure for
your adult Xenomorph to sleep, as they
can be quite temperamental. But more on
that later.
Xenomorph eggs are difficult to come
by. Many pet stores refuse to sell them, as
they are a Class 10 restricted item in most
countries. Also, it is not highly recom-
mended to raid a wild hive, as queens are
very protective of their young. Your best
bet is an independent dealer. You can find
them on craigslist.org, though you will
have to sift through the code words.
Step 2: Finding hosts: Once you have
your egg, you will need to find a host for
it. Now, you may be tempted to create an
“enemies list” for this occasion, but it is
better to find people whose disappear-
ances will not be noticed. The homeless,
drifters and fugitives in hiding are good
places to start. You can also use animals,
but the hatchling (a.k.a. “Facehugger”)
will be unable to latch onto anything
smaller than a rottweiler. Also note that
20
using an animal will change the physical
appearance of the adult slightly, though
not too substantially.
There are two more important things
to remember at this stage. The first is to
make sure you are never too close to the
egg before it hatches, or the hatchling
may confuse you for a host. Secondly,
you must make sure you can immobilize
and contain your actual host, and have a
foolproof way of disposing of them (and
the hatchling) after they’ve served their
purpose.
Step 3: Care and feeding: Once the
larva (a.k.a. “chestburster”) emerges,
you’ll have less than 24 hours until it is
fully grown, but while it is still small, it
will need to be contained so that it does
not run off and get itself hurt. During
this phase, as well as when it becomes
fully-grown, it will need food. Now, how
Xenomorphs actually get their nutrients
is still debated between even the most
premier breeders, but all agree that they
love to hunt live prey. The larva will
adore hunting rodents, though as it ages
it will need larger prey to stalk. A good
idea would be to invest in a cattle farm.
Once it has reached its adult size, it will
need to be kept in its enclosure overnight.
Xenomorphs love to play, but their play
can be fairly rough and you do not want
anything unfortunate happening while
you’re asleep. Xenomorphs can breathe
anywhere, so they don’t care how much
fresh air you give them. In fact, they love
dark hiding places, so a secure basement
is a good choice (this is also the ideal op-
tion to keep a host in Step 2).
Xenomorphs are very durable animals.
Courtesy of geeky-gadgets.com
However, if your Xenomorph should in-
jure itself, it is best not to get too close. Not
only is Xenomorph blood dangerously on
the low end on the pH scale, but injured
CANCHOR April 1, 2010
 Arts & Entertainment

Justin Beiber’s “My World 2.0”

Rob’s Worst Album
By Rob Duguay

Xenomorphs can also get surly and may
attack. As they can also use their acidic
saliva and long, sharp tail for defense;
you should give them a wide berth. They
are very resilient and can heal themselves
well enough, so you should never have to
worry about paying a vet.
Step 4: What to do if you have a
queen: Unfortunately, it is impossible
to tell whether you will get a normal
Xenomorph or a queen until its larva has
emerged. However, once this has hap-
pened, and if the larva has a slightly flatter
head than you expect, you have a queen
on your hands. You have two options at
this point. You can either sell your queen
larva to a breeder for a new egg, or raise
it and become a breeder yourself.
If you choose this second option, you
will need to buy a property with a lot
more room. Queens can grow as tall as
an elephant, and much longer from head
to tail. In addition, they will continuously
lay large clutches of eggs with no need
This offensive image of Justin Bieber’s travesty of a musical album courtesy of Island Records.
Are you fucking kidding me? Just
what the world needs, another snot-nosed
kid that looks like Hilary Swank in “Boys
Don’t Cry” to make girls that don’t even
know what else to do with themselves go
absolutely crazy.
For anyone that cares, which I really
don’t know who should, this piece of crap
is the second installment of a two-part
debut studio album and it’s bad enough
to even make the plastic skeleton of Mi-
chael Jackson explode into smithereens.
For the sake of the ever-so-famous rule of
the number of words you need to have in
an article for The Canchor, I will use the
rest of the allowed space to continually
trash this album.
The lyrics to the chorus in “Baby” are
so terrible that I’m willing to bet anyone
on the Rhode Island College campus that
a student at Henry Barnard School can
write a better song. “Never Let You Go”
makes me want to never let go of my stop
button in fear that my eardrums will ex-
a flash in the pan within two years.
Just wait and this Bieber kid, the Jonas
Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift,
Jesse McCartney and all of these other
talentless pop brats will have a crapola-
reality TV-3D film extravaganza that’ll
have third grade kids go mindless.
I really don’t know what else to say
other than if you actually have a decent
taste in music and some self-respect,
please do not buy Justin Bieber’s “My
World 2.0,” as if a second volume was
absolutely necessary. Don’t go to your
local record store and buy this record, and
if you have a brain you shouldn’t even
bother downloading it from the Internet.
Whatever happened to good ol’ Rock
and Roll? Elvis, Johnny Cash are Buddy
Holly are sitting up in heaven wondering
what the fuck is going on in a world where
no rock and roll is really on the airwaves
anymore. Listen to Sabbath, Zeppelin –
even some White Stripes and other new
stuff that’s actually good and rocks your

to mate, and nesting queens have a bad
temper.
To harvest the eggs, wait until the
queen is asleep, and then take the eggs a
few at a time, so that she will not notice
too many are missing at once. Again, do
not get too close to the eggs while mov-
ing them. Once you have separated them,
put them in a room with dry ice to keep
them preserved until you can sell them.
Make sure that you advertise in code, so
as to not tip off the authorities.
One last note. On rare occasions, a
normal Xenomorph will convert live prey
into an egg in a queenless environment. If
this happens, follow the steps above.
Now you know enough to care for
your new companion. If you survive, you
will be ensured many years of fun and
company.
plode because of the trash that is flowing socks off. I can’t stress it enough, please
through my speakers. under any circumstances don’t listen to
If it doesn’t get any worse, he has a Justin Bieber. It’ll rot your brain, your
single out with Sean Kingston; you know, mind and eventually your life.
that kid who had the most annoying song
of 2007, “Beautiful Girls,” called “Eeenie
Meenie,” which has the enlightening lyr-
ics “Shawty is a eenie meenie miny moe
lova” and the Shakespearean “Eeenie
meenie miny moe / Catch a bad chick by
her toe.”
Yeah, I’d actually prefer playing that
game with my toes than listen to this
dance-pop, depraving, god-forsaken
piece of music filth. Why should you
even care about this album? Why are
you even reading this article? Don’t you
have better things to do? Justin Bieber is
probably going on tour, but nobody really
cares, nobody will show up, and the kid is

CANCHOR April 1, 2010 21

 Arts & Entertainment

RIC Mainstage Musical Changes

Yet Again
By Balls “Balls” McCoy

Students in the RIC Department of Music, Theater, Children Are Asleep,”  “Blow High, Blow Low,” “The Highest
and Dance are in a tizzy again as director Bill Wilson an- Judge of All” and “This Was a Real Nice Clambake.”
nounced yet another change of show for this year’s spring Tickets will be available from the Nazarian Center Box Of-
musical. Originally, the department was slated to perform fice as soon as they are re-printed.
the 1975 vaudeville-style hit “Chicago” (which was revived
on Broadway in 1996 and is still running), only to discover
after casting that they had been denied the performance rights.
Wilson quickly chose and recast the show to another from the
1970s, Stephen Schwartz’s (of “Wicked” fame) 1972 pop show
“Pippin.”
After recasting the actors for “Pippin,” Wilson was informed
by the licensing company that their request for “Pippin” had
also been denied, so he has decided to abandon the 1970s and
choose a more classic musical, settling with Roger and Ham-
merstein’s classic show, “Carousel.”
“I guess the ’70s are cursed,” said Wilson. “If we can’t do
a moth-ridden show like this, I don’t know what else to pick.”
Show choreographer Angelica “Gel”  Vessella totes some
slight disappointment in this new choice. “I really missed doing
Bob Fosse-style choreography in the last two shows we staged,
so I was really excited to do “Chicago” or “Pippin,” she said.
“I’m not going to let it get me too down. I don’t care what
anyone says – this production of “Carousel” is going to have
feathered fans in every number!”
The show features classic songs such as “You’re a Queer
One, Julie Jordan,” “June Is Bustin’ Out All Over,” “When the

COMPLETELY REAL ADVERTISEMENT

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22 CANCHOR April 1, 2010

 COMPLETELY REAL ADVERTISEMENT

CANCHOR April 1, 2010 23

 Arts & Entertainment
REAL ADVERTISEMENT America the Beautiful
By Chet Argobast
Do you love film? Do you like not
spending a lot of money? Does in-theater
gunfire enrich your film-going experience?
How about floors sticky with the unsavory
fluids of a fellow patron? If you said yes to
any of the previous statements then have we
got the place for you!
At Patriot Cinemas, located on Newport
Ave. along the East Providence/Pawtucket
line, you won’t be judged for your physical
health, economic stability or mental sanity.
Not because their staff is overly kind, but
because you’re amongst peers. With a daily
ticket price of $2, and a special dollar deal
on Tuesdays, Patriot attracts groves of hardly
homeless, delinquent drop outs, and the bored
elderly who happened to find some quarters
in their retirement fund.
“I paid for a ticket in pennies once,” said
Bill, a frequent male patron. “It’s a different
type of date…that you take to Patriot; usually
one with really low standards who’s already
slept with you.”
But who couldn’t enjoy a $4 date with
times this tough? Roman Polanski, that’s
who! Too many witnesses…
Rock Hunt and OSFS Festival
Headline April Entertainment
By Justin Wilder
T H E B RYA N T
G R A D U AT E P R O G R A M S
Rhode Island College’s student body
The Bryant University Graduate School of Business prepares students for
success in their chosen professions. As a graduate, you will join an has entertainment under control with two an-
impressive alumni community that includes industry leaders across the
country and around the world. nual upcoming events. Check out the WXIN
THE BRYANT MBA ONE-YEAR PROGRAM Rock Hunt and the Ocean State Film Festi-
Full-time, day program for all majors
• No professional experience necessary val, because our peers have worked hard to
• Distinguish yourself in a competitive job market
• Gain hands-on experience with the Business Practicum bring us local music and film on the cheap.
THE BRYANT MBA TWO-YEAR PROGRAM
Part-time, evening program for professionals from any field Tuesday, April 6 kicks off the first round
• Develop high-level business skills for long-term career success
• Enter and progress through the program with a supportive team of this year’s Rock Hunt. Formal Action,
• Build your network while enhancing your resume
THE BRYANT MASTER OF PROFESSIONAL ACCOUNTANCY (MPAC)
Gamblin’ Hands, Indiana Handshake and
Full-time, day program for accounting majors
• Meets the 150 hour requirement for CPA licensure
This Time Around will rock out from 8-11
• Complete in Summer/Fall, Summer/Summer, Fall/Spring or Spring/Summer
• More than 40 top global, national and regional accounting firms recruit at Bryant p.m. at Firehouse XIII, located at 41 Central
THE BRYANT MASTER OF SCIENCE IN TAXATION (MST) St. in Providence. Only three bucks with a
Part-time, evening program for tax professionals
• Build an expertise in all areas of taxation
• Network with tax executives and industry professionals
RIC ID, but $5 without. Where else can you
• Flexible scheduling options
listen to unheard local sounds from a slew
LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT BRYANT UNIVERSITY
GRADUATE SCHOOL HAS TO OFFER of different genres? Listen to 90.7 WXIN or
www.bryant.edu/gradschool • 401-232-6230 check out www.ricradio.org for more infor-
mation on this year’s Rock Hunt.
Graduate School of Business
1150 Douglas Pike If the show and listening online just isn’t
• •
Smithfield, Rhode Island
enough, then head to the Ruffstone Tavern
24
You can hurry now to catch such block-
busters as “Tooth Fairy,” “Alvin and the
Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” or “The
Princess and the Frog,” Disney’s “Colored
Francie” of the Barbie doll franchise (yes,
that’s the original African-American Barbie
doll’s name. Funny but true, funny but true?).
Other films of worthy mention include “The
Wolfman,” “When in Rome,” “Precious,”
“The Blind Side” and “The Hurt Locker.”
“It’s like renting a date movie, but it’s at a
movie theater,” said Mike, a movie goer exit-
ing the cinema alone. Carrying a plastic milk
quart in the pocket of his camouflage jacket,
I asked Mike if he had purchased the milk
inside the theater.
He answered, “Milk bottle doesn’t make it
milk.” Mike stumbled into the mid-afternoon
sun, probably off to make love to something
plastic. For the children’s sake we can only
hope.
Whether you’re looking for the film you
missed, a cheap two-hour good time, or a
non-sexual way to get syphilis, head to Pa-
triot Cinemas where they’ll serve it low price
and with a smile all day.
and hang out with the bands in this year’s
hunt on Thursday, April 1 at 17 Metcalf Ave,
North Providence.
Next Thursday, April 15 brings the forth
the annual Ocean State Film Festival, put
together by The Ocean State Film Society.
Starting at 7 p.m. in the Helen Forman The-
ater, this panel-judged and audience-voted
event is free to the public.
Since the clubs started, their festival has
grown in popularity each year, says Tara
Maharjan, president of the OSFS.
“It is a wonderful event that showcases
the creativity of RIC students through the
medium of film,” she said.
Last year’s festival had 10 student sub-
missions as well as a previous year’s film
screened.
CANCHOR April 1, 2010

Why Attack the Gas Station?
Just Because!
By Dan Rohelia
There is definitely something to be
said about slapstick comedy. It’s a genre
that indulges in our most innate cravings
for senseless violence, as well as our taste
for good humor. Perhaps slapstick com-
bines these two virtues into something
we just can’t help but keep coming back
to: the thrill of just seeing people knock
each other around for the bloody sake of
it. And, whether you want to admit it or
not, there is no denying that these kinds of
movies are just plain fun to watch.
And why wouldn’t it be? Especially if
it’s Kim Sang-Jin’s Korean hit “Attack
the Gas Station.” If there’s anything better
than watching a bunch of characters beat
each other up, it’s watching characters
beat each other up in a foreign language.
The movie itself even sets up its premise
of seemingly pointless violence early
on, directly presenting the viewers with
a question: “Why do they attack the gas
station?”
Giving the audience a minute to ponder
this little mystery and wonder what it
means, they are given some clues. Four
young rogues, who reject any ideals of
law and order, decide to assault a gas sta-
“Attack the Gas Station” screenshot courtesy of Fun and Happiness Productions.
tion in what can only be described as the
most hilarious five minutes of property
destruction to ever exist in a foreign film.
With no motive other than to have fun
and harass the workers, the boys destroy
CANCHOR April 1, 2010
Arts & Entertainment
anything that stands, break anything that
glows, and completely disregard any
sense of mercy and morality. It is then that
the viewers are given the answer to their
question: “Just because!”
As swift and chaotic as the first raid on
the gas station proves to be, the antiheroes
decide to assault the same location a sec-
ond time; however, this time their thirst
for action is not as easily satisfied. They
choose to stick around for a while and
“get to know” the workers…by taking
them hostage, of course.
Throughout the course of the night, the
characters begin to flesh out in their re-
spective roles in the posse. No Mark takes
the lead as the quiet, collected chief of the
four, usually deciding how to move for-
ward and keep the group entertained. Mad
Dog acts as the troupe’s brute strength and
enforcer, wielding a heavy stick to assert
his authority over the hostages. Paint is
the maverick artist, who defaces slogan
posters and recreates images for fun. And,
perhaps the most unusual of the bunch,
Rockstar delivers an oafish charm with
his irrational and ill-informed outlook on
life and how things tick.
There are a number of supporting char-
acters, including the gas station attendants
and their extremely unlucky manager, the
latter who receives the blunt-end of the
proverbial trauma stick. School bullies
and innocent bystanders constantly get
thrown into the mix, usually taken as
hostages or just never heard from again.
The entire movie becomes a collective
of disorder, hilarious beatings and revela-
tions as the group grows by the minute.
Regardless of social status or authority,
everyone is treated on the same level by
the four main leads: just another meat
puppet to pummel around for fun. In fact,
the disregard for authority and order is
subliminally frequent. The plot also pokes
fun at some of the more poorly developed
aspects of Korean life, such as the corrup-
tion of local law enforcement and social
status in high schools.
Throughout the entirety of it all, it’s
hard not to love the collaborative beatings
and ridiculous mayhem that ensues. It’s
the kind of violence and comedy where
everyone is seen as an equal. I recom-
mend this movie to just about anyone for
its random humor and its accessibility
towards any audience.
You don’t have to understand much
about Korean culture to enjoy this movie
like I did. In fact, this movie will espe-
cially appeal to those who love a little
bit of anarchy mixed in with their lives.
“Attack the Gas Station” is a fun attempt
at some great gag laughs and subliminal
political messages. And why is it fun? Just
because!
25
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The Bluffers
Rental Raves
By Adam D. Bram
Last time I did a Canchor Rental
Raves, I made up a George W. Bush bi-
opic. What did Oliver Stone do later that
year? Make a George W. Bush biopic.
To stop that from happening this year,
I’ve decided to actually do a real review.
However, being April Fools, I won’t re-
view a film, but rather a television show
called “The Bluffers.”
I swear this is a real show.
This was an obscure cartoon produced
in the Netherlands in 1986. It only ran for
one season, but was translated into sev-
eral languages, including English (whose
dub has surprisingly good lip synch), and
enjoyed a decent syndication and VHS
life until the early 1990s. Unfortunately,
a voice cast list is nonexistent at the mo-
ment for any language.
The overall plot centers on the country
of Bluffonia, which has been taken over
by a greedy and secretive dictator named
Clandestino. Clandestino has turned the
once-lush countryside into a desolate
wasteland. In the one small surviving
patch of forest live our heroes the Bluffers,
a group of woodland critters who think
they can restore their home by stealing
Clandestino’s most guarded and prized
treasure, the so-called “Secret of Getting
It All.” Each episode, they try, and each
episode, they fail.
Of The Bluffers themselves, the stories
usually center around five characters.
Square miles and miles of tropical paradise. Courtesy of
Zock (short for Zocrates) is a wise owl
who is the de-facto leader, despite not
going out in the field much. Then there’s
Zipper, a blue squirrel who fits the he-
roic stereotype, Honey Boy, an extremely
dense bear who is usually surrounded by
a scattering of bees the way flies tend
to congregate around a smelly person,
Sharpey, a sarcastic fox who fits the
jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold stereotype, and
Blossom, a pink mouse with a heart on the
tip of her tail, whose only purpose near as
CANCHOR April 1, 2010
Arts & Entertainment
I can figure
is to flirt
unsuccessfully
with Zip and
have a double-
X chromosome.
Other char-
acters that get
minor roles
on an epi-
sodic basis
include the
shy psychic
snake Psycho,
the axe-crazy porcupine Prickly-Pine,
the Asian goose Ginsing, the militaristic
buzzard Regal Eagle and two rabbits who
are in the opening credits but never seem
to appear except to fill space in crowd
scenes.
Honestly, this is a real show. This ex-
ists. I didn’t make this up.
I’ve only been able to watch three
episodes out of the 13 produced. The first
two I watched all the time as a kid, but
haven’t been able to see since then. The
third is the Halloween episode and is the
only full English episode currently watch-
able on YouTube.
The plot of that one revolves around
the Bluffers using trick-or-treating in an
attempt to scare Clandestino into giving
up the Secret. Sharpey accidentally steals
what he thinks is the Secret but what is re-
ally a malfunctioning device Clandestino
created to taunt our heroes. While he still
thinks it’s the real deal, however, Sharpey
acts like a total jerk and tries to horde it
for himself. Then it breaks and a lesson is
learned. The other two episodes revolved
around Clandestino trying to stop time
so that it’s always Feb. 29, his birthday,
and Clandestino building a museum of his
“greatness” in fear that he’s never proven
he’s done anything substantial.
The episodes are about a half hour in
length, and each contains two
mercifully short musical numbers, which
range in quality from meh to god awful.
The most memorable from the episodes
I’ve seen is from the “Museum” episode
where Sillycone, Clandestino’s cheerful
British robot butler, does a pseudo-rap
about how secure the Secret on display
is. The mediocrity of the in-story songs is
matched by the pure unfiltered awesome
that is the main title theme, which had
the show been more successful would
be remembered as one of the greatest
earworms in children’s television, second
only to “DuckTales.”
It suffered by shoehorning simple
child-targeted humor and morality les-
sons into a very deep, more adult plot and
setting. As such, it’s not a great show by
any stretch of the imagination, but it’s
enjoyable to strange kids and people who
saw it as a strange kid. If I were to find
it on DVD, I’d watch it with my future
children and probably enjoy it more than
they would.
I have to state again, for the record,
that this is not a joke. This show is real.
This show exists. If any readers out there
remember it, even if you thought it was
just a fever dream you had as a kid, I’d
love to hear from you.
Rating depends on the episode.
27
 Anchor Editor-in-Chief
Takes the Plunge in Costa Rica
By Casey Gaul
Anchor Editor-in-Chief Kameron Spaulding is cur-
rently in Costa Rica shooting recreational and promotional
kayaking and white water rafting videos. Ríos Tropicales, the
“largest white water rafting and sea kayaking outfitter in Latin
America,” is the company behind the three-day trip.
The majority of the filming will be done on rivers like El
Chorro River and Pacuare River.
Spaulding, a seasoned rafter and kayaker who spends his
summers as a white-water rafting guide on the Hudson, Moose
and Sacandega rivers in upstate New York, described the
Pacuare River as “the biggest commercially rafted river in this
hemisphere.”
It was on that river that a sudden and staggering event oc-
curred.
Spaulding got down on one knee and asked the woman who
had been his girlfriend for four years, Anna Shippee, to be his
wife. And, due to either an overwhelming amount of love or a
complete lack of good judgment, she accepted him.
“I’m excited for Kam and Anna. Any girl that can match or
28
out drink Kam is a keeper. Also, on Kam’s side of this, he can
finally stop visiting Lilly’s every week for his ‘special time,’”
said long-time friend Bob Kazarian.
“I’m wicked happy for Kam and Anna. Can you say BEST.
WEDDING. EVER? I’m also excited about the potential wed-
ding happy hour with Dr. Matsumoto,” said Kameron’s future
Best Man Joe Robillard.
Kam’s friend and Canchor Sports Editor Andrew Augustus
seemed less enthused about the engagement.
“It was so sudden and tragic. He was my mentor, my best
friend. He was everything I aspired to be. And now that he’s
gone, I can only seem lost in this world with no direction,”
mourned Augustus. “Kam, this Bud’s for you.”
“Anyone who know Kam and Anna know that they are perfect
for each other,” said co-worker and friend Katie Carroll. “I re-
ally hope it works out, too because I already bought a gorgeous
dress for the wedding!”
“Kam and Anna, I wish you two the best,” said Kazarian.
“And Anna, make sure he is not wearing sandals at the altar.”
Pacuare, the largest commercially rafted river in the hemisphere. Courtesy of the Internet.
CANCHOR April 1, 2010
 Sports

RIC Now Home of Midget Tossing Champion

By Andrew Augustus

Rhode Island College The entry fee was $20 a throw.

is a public institution where All went to charity to the local
students come to continue homeless shelter.
their education to get a career
started. Normally, very few What was your initial re-
high-profile citizens come to action upon entering the
this school. The student I am venue?
about to introduce entered RIC There were a ton of hot girls.
as a normal citizen – just an- It was a shitty looking titty
other student trying to further bar but there were a lot of nice
his education and start a career girls there. Then I saw the
to have a happy and successful midget who was dressed as a
life. leprechaun and was dancing,
Then, RIC junior Levi not only dancing, but dancing
Garrett received a letter from to 50 Cent’s “In da Club.”
the United States government
saying that he had received How did your throws go?
enough votes to be an official I had one throw. Before the
candidate for President of the throw I told the midget that
United States of America. this was my lifelong dream
However, he could not win and I wanted to throw him as
due to his age and not living in far as I could. He then told me
the same county for more than to throw low and finish high
Levi Garrett demonstrates his award-winning midget-propelling technique. Courtesy of Casey Gaul.

six years. and he will travel the furthest.

Not being a champion, he I took his advice, that little
tried to pursue another dream: fucker went 9 feet and 1 inch.
throwing a human a far dis-
tance. This is his story about When did you find out
how he became the champion you were the number one
at midget tossing and ranked in the country?
third in all time. I knew already because the
U.S. record was around 8 feet.
What sparked your inter- As soon as I threw him past 9
est in midget tossing? feet I knew I had it and I was
When I saw my first midget at launched into greatness.
the age of four, and I was eye
to eye with a grown man, I was What are your future
intrigued. plans in this sport?
To go over to Scotland and
How did you hear about actually compete in the world
midget tossing? championships. Locally, I
One day, Me, Nate Grist and am going to defend my title
Everton Carter were bored against all challengers for I am
and all of us decided to go to midget tossing in it. The toss- each other and said “roadtrip.” the King of Kings of Midget
the titty bar. In this titty bar ing was in Milford, Conn., and How much was the entry tossing.
there was a magazine that had at that time we all looked at fee?

CANCHOR April 1, 2010 29


NFL Transforms
Into NFFL
By Mike Dikda
The NFL has become a league filled
with thugs and violence, Roger Goodell
announced on March 26.
In order to change the image, Goodell
has decided to take away the pads and the
tackles all together and replace them with
flags and two-hand touch.
“I feel this can bring back the image
I want the National Football League to
have. I don’t want to run a league full of
steroids, guns, violence, woman beating
and anything negative. One way we can
keep all the players calm is by taking any
form of aggression out of the game so they
do not feel the need to be thugs off the
field,” said Goodell at a press conference.
Goodell started changes way back
when he started to ban celebrations in the
30
Sports
end zones after a team scored. He began to
get the NFL away from the National Foot-
ball League mantra and more towards the
concept of No Fun League. This change,
at first, came as a surprise to many of the
owners; however there is one owner who
is affected greatly by the change.
Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis was
the most angered and frustrated of all of
the owners once the news spread. “Who
the hell am I know supposed to draft now.
All I know are thugs and questionable
characters. I feel Goodell is just trying to
screw over my team and I won’t stand for
this,” said Davis.
Hall of Fame coach and broadcaster
John Madden didn’t seem too phased by
the new changes. He actually seemed very
happy and excited for the new season to
start.
“With this change Brett Farve can
play forever. I always thought Farve was
unstoppable but now since he can’t get
tackled, his chances of getting hurt have
severely decreased. I can now feel confi-
dent in saying that my lifelong dream of
dying while watching Brett Farve playing
in a game in the National Football League
can actually happen. I love you, Brett.”
So far, no one has dropped their spon-
sorships with the NFFL as of now. Most
are intrigued to see if a league like this
can sustain and live. Only time will tell,
as the opening throw is supposed to be in
September at Gillette Stadium where the
Patriots will be facing the Colts.
Flag football will soon be a national sport with sponsors and tantrums and shit. Courtesy of cnu.edu.
CANCHOR April 1, 2010
 Sports

March Madness Snips

By Dr. Bell Snippets

As college basketball players surgery slots during the

were preparing their balls for the start first days of the tourna-
of March Madness, many other men ment, dubbing the
were preparing to have their own fixed. marketing campaign
This March Madness has seen a “Snip City 2010.”
continuation of a growing trend among Such prescribed
men to get a vasectomy to coincide pushes appear to be
with the tournament. having an effect. This
The reason? Recovery for the year, many doctors
minor procedure requires the patient reported having twice
to remain comfortably off his feet for as many vasectomy
approximately 48 to 72 hours – the appointments at the begin-
perfect length of time for a serious ning of March than at any
basketball fan to peacefully enjoy the other time over the past
opening days of the college tournament year.
on the couch, armed with a beer and a “This was supposed
frozen bag of peas. It’s the ultimate ex- to be a little low-budget
cuse for getting off work and ignoring kind of local thing,”
the “honey-do” list. Oregon Urology In-
That’s not to say that March Mad- stitute administrator
ness is the only reason men get vasec- Terry FitzPatrick told A vasectomy
tomies, even at this time of year. NPR’s Scott Simon is a minor
“I don’t know if these were the guys in an interview. “The surgical
who were on the fence and this pushed thing has just blown
them over the edge, or if these are guys up on us.” procedure
A doctor, likely reviewing the status of your testicles. Courtesy of blog.usa.gov/roller/govgab.

who would be doing it anyways,” said in which the

Dr. Bruce Neal, an urologist at the
Oregon Urology Institute.
man’s sperm
The surgery, while reversible, is a ducts are cut
serious decision not to be made lightly. and tied,
The price tag alone can be as high as
$1,000 without insurance. Still, the preventing
practice has existed for years, and it has sperm from
grown increasingly more common as
word spreads and popularity increases.
being released
It’s a trend that doctors have cleverly with
begun to capitalize on over the past ejaculation.
few years, marketing the surgery in the
weeks leading into March by offering
discounts on the procedure and giving
patients bags stuffed with coupons for
pizza and bags of frozen veggies.
“Let our Boys Take Care of Your
Boys,” reads a promotion used by a
Green Bay, Wis. doctor. The Oregon
Urology Institute advertised prime

CANCHOR April 1, 2010 31

 Spaulding
&Spaulding’s
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Here at The Canchor we strive to
keep the Rhode Island College
community healthy and confident!