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Helei Gomariz

Karen Tucker
ENC 2135
28 Oct. 2015
Inside My Bubble
The best summer of my life happened a year ago. Someone told me about a summer
orchestra festival in North Carolina, and I decided to apply, just for the heck of it, with no real
hope of getting accepted. A few weeks later the results came in and much to my surprise they
had accepted me with a substantial scholarship. I think the places that I feel most comfortable are
around musicians, mostly classical, but not necessarily, and thats why Eastern Music Festival
was such a great experience. Without EMF I would have never met Kayla or Ana Luna or Gaby
or Antonio or any of whom I consider now to be my closest friends. It was there that I
experienced the greatest happiness of my life but also the greatest sadness. We were only
together for five weeks, which might seem like a long time, but goes by quicker than one could
possibly imagine. There are huge, important, and defining memories of that summer that I feel I
should remember the best, yet I mostly remember the smaller details, the routine. I remember
waking up at six every morning and running to Gabys room:

Gaby hurry up, were going to miss breakfast!!!


Give me five minutes, Im almost ready I promise!

Hey Eloise have you seen Gaby?


No. she said with a glare.

Im pretty sure Eloise started to hate me near the end. Even the unpleasant aspects, communal
bathrooms, curfew, early mornings, became pleasant because I knew I would never be alone.
There was a friend around every corner. Sometimes it would have been nice to have a little bit of
privacy, but I would not trade that experience for the world.

Its amazing how something as simple and taken for granted as music can be such a life
changing experience. We were all classically trained musicians. We knew the same repertoire,
had played the same pieces (for the most part), and spoke with certain vernacular that most other
people, or even non-classical musicians would be able to understand. We would talk about atonal
composers, neopolitan 6ths, bow weight distribution, different types of rosin, and so on (if you
are not a musician and are reading this props to you if you know what any of those things are).
Around this time I also phased out of any music other than classical music. I used to listen to
alternative and classic rock, but for some reason a few years ago I stopped listening to any of that
and became a classical music snob. It probably had a lot to do with my boyfriend at the time,
who had been judged by the Florida Flute Association to be the best flute player in Florida. I
think that listening to classical music so much gave me an advantage in the festival setting that a
few of my friends did not have.

The day that the festival ended came the great depression. I have never seen so many
people crying at the same time. I would never see most of these people again. Music is a much
more powerful force than people may realize. Music is what created this festival and what
created my experience. It is not just a song or a symphony, it is a common factor shared among

the ninety-five people who were chosen to participate in this festival. The only reason why I
even considered doing violin as a career was through motivation from the people at EMF. The
competition was real.

This was also the summer that I played Rite of Spring, one of the most difficult pieces in
the history of orchestral repertoire. It was without a doubt the best concert I had ever played in,
and the audience thought so as well. There was something about the adrenaline rush that I had
never experienced as vividly or intensely. Even in rehearsal I had never been able to get all the
notes, but somehow in the concert I did. Probably one of the reasons why it was so difficult to
leave EMF was because I knew I would never get the chance to play with the same group of
people again and would never be able to replicate what had happened in that concert.

North Carolina had been my reality for five weeks and within eight hours I was back in
Tallahassee. My room was just as I had left it. My bed was made and there was still a small pile
of clean laundry sitting on my desk. A fine layer of dust coated all surfaces. I had spent most of
the car ride home crying or sleeping so I dont remember much, but somehow I had left my little
bubble of the world in Greensboro and travelled back to reality, which was Tallahassee. For
months afterwards I would text and skype my friends constantly, but now that everyone had
returned to their real lives nothing would be the same. The only things we had left were photos,
videos and recordings. I remember looking through the photos on my phone every single day just
to assure myself that it all had really happened and hadnt been some sort of wonderful dream.
Every time I saw someones face, laughing or smiling or annoyed or angry, I would either start
laughing or crying, both out of some sort of happiness. Those few weeks after my wonderful

summer ended were the most depressed I think I have ever been. I imagine what it would have
been like without technology: no photos, phones, email, textingwe would be able to write
letters to each other?

Im not sure if I can emphasize enough how isolated we had been. I left the campus a
total of two times during the five weeks that I was there. A week into the festival my boyfriend
broke up with me, and he was the only person from home who I had been talking to besides my
parents. I was around the same ten people for twenty-four hours every single day (even counting
sleeping time because I had a roommate). After five weeks we had no choice but to go home. I
will always feel like a part of me is still left there in Greensboro, but what I still have with me are
the memories in photos, videos and recordings of the best friends and the best music that I have
made in my life.
The thing is life there was definitely not as perfect as I made it seem
So how was chamber?
The first violin sucks.
I heard he was pretty good.
Maybe at solo rep, but definitely not at practicing his part.

Why did she get first chair? Shes not a very good leader
I like her, do you think you could do better?
Well no, but they should have put someone else up there, like Sara.

I heard that the violins of Mahler 6 had to have a sectional

Oh my god, theyre all so bad and so out of tune, its like none of them can count.
I mean were windsthey just play as a section, but they do have the melody a lot and they
have to be able to give us cues.
At Eastman the violins are so much better.
Same at NYO.
Im going somewhere better next year.

Michael hasnt even played a concerto


How did he get in?
I dont know, I just really dont want to be his stand partner, hell screw me up.
Dude my stand partner right now keeps speeding and it throws me off so much.
Oh that sucks, yeah I heard him practicingso out of tune

Shots fired. When all the egos gather together all hell doesnt break loose all at oncebut
little snippets of it slowly and steadily push their way into our lives causing drama, hatred and
discrimination. When I say discrimination the first thing that usually pops into peoples head is
race or skin color or religion or sexuality. Here Im talking about instruments. Originally
orchestral music began in small ensembles that grew into larger sections and as orchestras grew
bigger the sections became more divided and collaborated less with one another. A lunchroom in
high school has basically the same concept as a lunchroom at a summer music festival. You
dont only enter the cafeteria, but you also entered the cast of Mean Girls.

Over there in the corner you have the flutes. Theyre pretentious because they all go to big
music schools. There at that big table you have some of the violins sitting with the conductors.
Theyre major suck ups. Over on the patio you have the bass playerstheyre pretty chill. Then
at that round table are the clarinets and theyre so weird and sort of obsessed with themselves.

I can easily say that most of my friends this summer were string players, and while other
instruments bash the string section, none of them bash the violins harder than the violins
themselves. Talent is the most highly valued attribute. You often hear: Shes a bitch, but shes
so good, did you hear her tchaik? I think having an ego is a part of any form of art, but that does
not mean that I condone actions that will boost an ego at the expense of anothers feelings. There
will always be someone better than you, but there will also always be someone worse than you
and that can be the kickstart to a massive ego.

Imagine standing in a huge room. This room is called the Carnegie room. Carnegielike
Carnegie hall? Carnegie Mellon? Sounds important and prestigious. It is just a room, a very
lavishly decorated room, but a room all the same, and has nothing to do with Carnegie hall or
Carnegie Mellon University, but nevertheless there is power in a name. Sitting in that room are
fifty or so other violinists, both students and faculty members, who have been playing the
instrument for just as long as you have or fifty years longer. Half of these professors graduated
from Juilliard. Half of them teach at a university. Half of them perform with major symphonies
such as the Chicago Symphony. Youve heard these kids talk. They talk shit about their friends,
they talk shit about people who arent their friends. They will analyze every single sound that
your instrument makes. You walk out onto the floor. You practiced hours in preparation for

thisits not even a big deal! Just a studio class. Your fingers start sweating. Oh crap, now my
shifts will be messy. This makes you more nervous because now you know for sure it wont
sound like it did in the practice room. Your knees begin to shake. You play and youre out of
control, it doesnt even feel like youre playing. Every single sound you make shocks you just
enough to break your focus, the focus that you never were able to grasp ahold of completely in
the first place. This is performance, for me at least. I know some people do not experience these
sensations but they are the lucky few. Very few. Even though this community sounds like the
least appealing terrifying community to be a part of, in reality the violin community is very
supporting. Sure they discriminate and talk bad, but they never do it directly to anyones face.
Since weve all experienced the same type of performance anxiety and gone through the same
milestones we can all relate very easily to one another and be forgiving of mistakes. The
problems arise when people get stuck on their current level and forget that they struggled to
make it to the next level just like everyone else .

Oh my god, great job!

(Wow that was not her bestI heard her in the practice room.)
(Thats not how she actually plays though, she just got really nervous, I could tell.)

The world of music is vastly complex, more than anyone can imagine. It causes
psychological trauma, but also fixes it. In it you find your soul mates, the people who you will be
able to connect to for the rest of your life, and you see how cruel humans can really be. It is
interesting because although I have experienced this, I am able to look at it through a lens.

Wow, he sucked.
That concerto is really hard and I dont think you could have performed it any better.
I oftentimes found myself defending those who were being discriminated for their performance
abilities because I knew that if I ever had the courage to perform in front of an audience of fifty
or so violinists it would never my real talent.

Even though the festival holds scarring memories for me it also holds great ones. I have
learned, from experience, that the only way I learn is from experience. I think that accepting
failure is a part of that experience that will one day shape me into the person I was meant to be.
Failure to me can mean a great many things: failure to choose friends wisely, failure to perform
your best, failure to take advantage of your opportunities. For me personally most of my failure
is musical in nature, and that is why I will never be a music major. Now dont get me wrong,
music has changed my life, I might even say for the better, but it has also made me realize that
there is definitely more to life that I want to experience. Being a musician can trap you in a
bubble from which you may never escape.

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