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TableofContents:

HowToMakeBreakfast
EggsTyrell(JacksonSabes)
ReallyDeliciousFrittata(NadjaShannonDabek)
HuevosRancheros(AlissaMyer)
ChallengingNormativeRecipes:VeganProteinPancakes(DeNeileCooper)
5
OatBased,BasedAssPancakes(DanMuro)
6

HowToMakeLunchorDinner
BalsamicChicken(RussellGoldman)
7

VeganFettuccineAlfredo(MitchFehr)
7
SpicedLentilSoupwithCoconutMilk(SusannahClark)
BetterThanOliveGardenAlfredoSauce(JessicaBarrueco)
9
CreamyIndianCashewChicken(SusannahClark)
ChickenPiccata(BenKaufman)
BlenderPesto(SusannahClark)
VeganPastaSalad(MitchFehr)

HowToMakeDessert
SpicyChocolateCakewithChiliPepperFrosting(KylieMoynihan)
14
GreekYogurtCheesecakewithStrawberrySauce(CadeLeebron)
CitrusKissedHoneyButtons(LiliBorland)
LemonBars(CadeLeebron&NickMurphy)
17
SexuallyLiberatedBrownies(DeNeileCooper)
GlazedStrawberryPie(DanStorfer)

HowToMakeSnacks
BuffaloNachos(RussellGoldman)
NotQuiteGuacamole(JacobFeder)
LemonGingerHummus(ChristineTreuhold)
21

2
4
5

9
10
11
12

15
16

18
19

20
20

BrusselsSproutsandGoatCheeseTurnovers(MaxLuton)
ThreeBries(KylieMoynihan)

21

23
ActualGuacamole(MarcoMartinez)
24

HowToMakeFriends
PuttingYourFootBehindYourHead(RussellGoldman)
AvoidingPeople(SusannahClark)
GivingGreatMassages(KylieMoynihan)
TheArtofBloggingLikeYouMeanIt(MaxLuton)
28

HowToHaveSkills
Shoeshining(MarcoMartinez)
Unicycling(MitchFehr)
30
PerfectSoftServeSwirl(JessicaBarrueco)
Juggling(MitchFehr)
EasyKnitHat(CadeLeebron)
HowtoDefyGravityHeadstandingandHandstanding(MarcoMartinez)

CoverartbyRachelVerner&CadeLeebron
Editorialwork:ConorHunt&JessicaBarrueco

26
26
27

30

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Breakfast.
EggsTyrell,JacksonSabes:
Thisisreallyjustlikeanomeletservedonanenglishmuffin.Whatever,fuckyou!Ihaveanegg
allergyandstilleatit,soit'sworthit.
Ingredients:
Egg(2or3)
ShreddedJackCheese
CanadianBacon(organicandnitratefree(obi.))
Butter
EnglishMuffin
Optional:
GreenandRedpeppers
Potato
Onions
Garlic
Ginger
Salsa
Guacamole
Directions:
1.Startbycrackingyoureggsintoamixingbowlandpreheatingyouroventolike350
2.Beatyoureggs.
3.Turnonyourstove,inanomeletpan,meltsomebutter.
4.Whenthebutterismeltedandhasbrownedalittle,pouryoureggsintothepan
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5.Getyouromeleton,stirtheeggswithaspatulaastheycook,thenrotatethepantocookthe
stillrunnypartsoftheegg
6.Whentheeggsbegintofirmup,applycanadianbaconandshreddedcheese(inadditiontoany
othertoppings[excludingsalsaandguacamoleunlessyou'reintothat])
7.Whenyoucan,usethespatulatoturnonehalfoftheomeletontotheother.
8.Putmorebutterinyourpan,usethespatulatoliftuptheomeletsothatthebuttercangetupin
there
9.Whiledoingthis,toastyourenglishmuffin
10.Plateyouromelet.Holdthepanasifyouwereanassassinholdingaknife(solike,pinky
closetothepan),thenrotatethepantoturnthebeautifulgoldenbrownomeletyoujustmade
ontoyourplate.
11.Foldyouromeletoveragain,andplaceitonyourenglishmuffin.
12.Putguacamoleandsalsaonifyou'dlikeandeat.
13.Thetrueeggstyrellhasanotherstepofascensionleft
14.Putyoursandwichonacookietray.Puttwohandfulsofshreddedcheeseontop.
15.Putintheovenuntilthecheesemeltsover.
16.Takeout.Putonsalsaandguacamoleifyouwish
17.Eat.
Thisisaprettygoodbreakfast,andthingtomakeat4inthemorning,andlunch,anddinner.It's
justlike,good.Sodon'tfightit.
ReallyDeliciousFrittata,NadjaShannonDabek

Ingredients:
1dozenlargeeggs
1/23/4cupmilk(1%fatisgood)
about1/2poundfetacheese,crumbledwithafork

oliveoilforsauteeingandforgreasingcasseroledish
1goodsizedonion,chopped
1bagprewashedspinachor
1mediumstalkbroccoli,cutintobitesizepieces
1tspsalt
2heapingtspormoreoregano

Directions:
Preheatovento385.Spreadsomeoliveoilaroundagoodsizedcasseroledish.

Chopuponionandsauteeinmediumsizedpaninoliveoilonlowmediumheat.Whenthe
onionisnicelybrowned,addthespinachorbroccoli.Addatbspofwaterandcoverthepanfor
afewminutes.Takethecoveroff,addoreganoandsalt,stirfrequentlyuntilvegetablesarea
littlebrowned(andinthecaseofbroccoli,soft).Turnoffheat.

Inabigmixingbowlstirtheeggswithafork.Addthemilkandcrumbledfetacheese.Stiritall
upandpourintooiledcasseroledish.Thenaddthesauteedonions/vegetablesintothecasserole
dish(theywillsinkintotheeggmixture)andstir/spreadarounduntiltheonion/vegetablestuffis
fairlyevenlydistributed.

Bakefor3540minutesoruntilaknifecomesoutclean.

AliMyersHuevosRancheros

Ingredients:
Smallcorn(orflour)tortilla
Refriedbeans
Egg
Cheese(cheddarisgood)
Avocado
Salt
Pepper

Directions:
1.Warmtortillaandbeansseparately.
2.Oncewarmed,spreadrefriedbeansontortilla.
3.Fryegginpan,andonceitisalmostcooked,meltapieceofcheeseontopoftheegg.
4.Thentransfertheeggtothewarmedtortillaandbeans,putsomeslicedavocadoonthe
top,andaddsaltandpeppertotaste.
5.Ifyoulikespicythings,hotsauceisgreatoverthetopofit.

ChallengingNormativeRecipes:DeNeilesVeganProteinPancakes
Proteinpancakes:itsawarmalternativetothoseeverydayproteinsmoothies.Imixedthese
togetheronahopeandawhim,andtheyturnedoutreallyfluffy,sotryitwhenyoufeel
adventurousorreallywantpancakesbutonlyhaveafewingredients.Ialsodidntmeasure
things,soitsuptoyoutoexertyouragencyanduseyourownjudgementandexperimentation.

Makes:2pancakes
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Ingredients:
about3tablespoonsnutbutter
aboutcupmilk(dairy,almond,soy,etc.)
about4tablespoonsofpeaproteinpowder(Ilovethisstuffanditmakesgreencoloredpancakes,
butincaseitsnotavailableImsuresoyorwheyproteinwouldwork)
nonstickagent(ex.butter,veganbutter,coconutoil,oliveoil)

Directions:
1.Inabowl,mixtogethernutbutterandmilkwithafork.Heatupthestoveatthistime.
2.Addproteinpowdertothemixture.Idealpancakemixturesarenottoowateryorthick,soif
itstoowateryaddmorepowder,ifitstoothickaddmoremilk.Putanonstickagentinapan
andplaceonyourheatedstove.
3.Pourenoughbatterinthepantowhereyoustillhaveroomtowedgeyourspatulaunderthe
pancake.
4.Whenyoubegintoseebubblescomethroughthesurfaceofthepancake,flipitwithyour
spatula.Thismaytakearound2minutes.
5.Thesecondsidetakesmuchlesslongertocook,sokeepaneyeonyourpancakeandbeready
totakeitoffwhenyouthinkitmaybedown.
6.Repeatsteps35untilyourbatterisgone.
7.Enjoyyourpancakesandyourownselfsufficiency.

OatBased,BasedPancakes,DanMuro(sMom)

Ingredients:
cupoats
2wholeeggsor4eggwhites(butwhydothat?)
SumCinnamon
(youcanalsoaddvanillaextractandshitlikethattothemix,youcanalsomixinfruit[Ihavent
triedmixinginmeatbuthey,nobodysstoppingyou])

Directions:
1.Putyoureggs,oats,andcinnamoninabowl
2.
Optional,
butgoodifyouwantamorehomogenouspancake:putthismixtureintheblender
foralittlebit.
3.Oilapanandheaterup
4.Spreadyourbasedpancakemixevenly(nottothin,nottothick)onthepan
5.Dontburnit
6.Topwithmaplesyrup,fruitpreserves,freshfruit,nutella,etc,etc,milk,etc,cinnamon/sugar
mix,etc,butter,etc,maybetrysavorytoppings???,etc

LunchorDinner.

RussellsBalsamicChickenrecipe!

Ingredients:
2poundschickenbreastcutintotwoinchpieces
3largebakingpotatoesalsocutintoroughlytwoinchpieces
2largeyellowonionscutintoslices
1clovegarlicslicedintoslivers
Balsamicvinegarorbalsamicglaze(ifyouuseglazeyoucanuselessandlesssalt)
Oliveoil
Buttertoaddrichnessofflavor
Saltandpeppertotaste

Directions:
1.Placepotatoesinapotofwaterandparbroiluntiloutsideisslightlysoft
2.Inaseparatepan,sauteonionsandgarlicinagenerousamountofoliveoiluntiltenderbutnot
cooked
3.Addslicedchickenandmixwell,thenbrownslightly
4.Addagenerousamountofbalsamicvinegarorglaze,andmixwell(don'tbeshyabout
amount,butyoumayhavetoexperimentwithyourfamilytoseehowmuchistoomuch)
5.Addparbroiledpotatoesandmixwell(youmayneedtoaddmorebalsamic)
6.Addabouttwotablespoonsofbutterifyouwant(youcanalsoaddaquartercupofwhitewine
foraddedflavor)
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7.Cookuntilchickenandpotatoescanbecuteasilywithafork
8.Attheend,youcanaddtwotablespoonsofsourcreamforarichwinterydish

MitchsVeganFettuccineAlfredo
Serves:45
PrepTime:3minutes
CookTime:15minutes
TotalTime:18minutes

Ingredients:
1lbfettuccinenoodles(cookedaccordingtopackageinstructions)
2cupscoconutmilk(tothinthesauceout,addmore!)
1/2cuprawcashews
1/2cupwater
2tablespoonsnutritionalyeastflakes
1tablespoonlemonjuice
1teaspoonsalt
1pinchgarlicpowder

Directions:
1.

Cookanddrainfettucinenoodlesaccordingtopackageinstructions.Aswithallpasta,Iliketo
dropabitofoliveoilintothewatertopreventstickingandenhanceyumminess.Returndrained
noodlestothenowemptypotandsetaside
2.Inablender,combineremainingingredientsandblenduntilniceandcreamy,addingmore
coconutmilkifdesired.
3.Pourblendercontentsoverfettuccinenoodlesinthepotorskilletandplaceonmediumheat.
4.Cookuntilsaucebeginstothickenslightlythisusuallyonlytakesabout25minutes.Be
carefulnottoletyoursauceboilfortoolong,asthisresultsinaclumpysauce.Thissaucewill
thickenalittlemoreasitcools.
5.Nomnom

SPICEDLENTILSOUPWITHCOCONUTMILK//Serves6,SusannahClark

Ingredients:
11/2cuplentils,rinsed(greensuggested)
4cupslowsodiumvegetablebroth
11/2tsp.tumericORcurrypowder
2tsp.driedthymeor1Tbspfreshthymeleaves
1Tbsp.coconutoil
1largeyellowonion,diced
2stalkslemongrass,outerlayerremoved,lowerportionfinelyminced
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1tsp.seasalt,plusmoretotaste
1/2tsp.cardamom
1/2tsp.cinnamonpinchofredpepperflakestotaste
pinchoffreshgratednutmeg
11/4cupcoconutmilk(usefullfat,justbelieveme)
3Tbsp.lemon,limeororangejuice
afewhandfulsofswisschard,spinachorkale
1cupflakecoconut,toasted(optional)
choppedcilantro,forgarnish(optional)

Directions:
1.Addtherinsedlentils,broth,thymeandtumericorcurrypowdertoalargepot.Bringtoaboil,
turndowntoasimmerandcookforabout20minutes.
2.Whilethelentilscook,heatthecoconutoilinapan.Addtheonionandsauteuntiljust
browned.
3.Addthelemongrass,salt,cardamom,cinnamon,pinchofredpepperflakesandsomefresh
groundnutmegandsauteanotherminute.
4.Addtheonionmixturetothelentilsandstir,keepingtheheatonalowsimmer.
5.Addthecoconutmilkandgreensandsimmeranotherfiveminutes,stirringoccasionallyuntil
justwilted.Tasteforsaltandspiceandaddasyouprefer.
6.Finishwiththecitrusjuiceandservewarmwithtoastedcoconutflakesandcilantroontop.

Jess'(dad's)"BetterthanOliveGarden"AlfredoSauce

Ingredients:
3tablespoonssweetbutter
2tablespoonsoliveoil
2garliccloves,minced
2cupsheavycream
1/4teaspoonwhitepepper
1/2cupgratedparmesancheese
3/4cupmozzarellacheese
1(12ounce)boxangelhairpasta

Directions:
1Meltbutterinmediumsaucepanwitholiveoilovermedium/lowheat.
2Addthegarlic,cream,whitepepperandbringmixturetoasimmer.
3Stiroften.
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4AddtheParmesancheeseandsimmersaucefor810minutesoruntilsaucehasthickenedand
issmooth.
5WhensaucehasthickenedaddtheMozzarellacheeseandstiruntilsmooth.STIR
FREQUENTLY.
6Whilethesaucecooks,boilnoodlesfor35minutes.
7Placepastaonservingplatesandspoonsauceoverpasta.

CreamyIndianCashewChicken,bySusannahClark
Ingredients:
1cupuncookedbrownrice
1whiteonion,quartered
4clovesgarlic
1inchpiecefreshgingerroot,roughlychopped
2Tbs.tomatopaste
11/2Tbs.garammasala
2Tbs.freshlemonjuice
1/4cupyogurt
1/2tspcinnamon
1tspchilipowder
1/2cupcashews,plusmoreforgarnish
2Tbs.extravirginolive
1poundchickenbreast,cutintoasmallcubes
1redbellpepper,diced
1cupfrozenpeas
2scallions,finelysliced
cilantroleaves,forgarnish
coarsesaltandfreshlygroundpepper

Directions:
1.Throwthatriceinaricecooker,add2cupswater.
2.Inafoodprocessor,addthequarteredonionandpulseuntilyouhaveapaste,around45
secondsorso.
3.Totheprocessor,addthegarlicTHROUGHthecashews,plusapinchofsalt.Turnthatbaby
onandpulseheruntilyougetanicesauceyness.
4.Nowheattheoliveoilinalargesautpanovermedium.Addthecashewsauceandbloomfor
aboutaminute.Itwillgetniceandfragrant.

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5.Addthechicken,redbellsandhalfthescallions.Coverandcookonmediumlowuntilthe
chickeniscookedthrough,about10minutes.Addthepeasandcookanotherminuteortwo,until
theypopincolor.
6.Serveoverthecookedriceandgarnishwithcilantro,remainingscallionsandcashews!

BenKaufmansChickenPiccata
(FromAmericasTestKitchen)

Ingredients:
2largelemons
4(about11/2poundstotal)boneless,skinlesschickenbreasts(orthinlyslicedchickencutlets)
Salt
Groundblackpepper
1/2cupunbleachedallpurposeflour
4tablespoonsvegetableoil
1smallshallot,minced(about2tablespoons)OR1smallgarlicclove,minced(about1
teaspoon)
1cupchickenstockorcannedlowsodiumchickenbroth
2tablespoonssmallcapers,drained
3tablespoonsunsaltedbutter,softened
2tablespoonsmincedfreshparsleyleaves

Directions:
1.Adjustovenracktolowermiddleposition,placelargeheatproofplateinoven,andsetovento
200degrees.
2.Halveonelemonlengthwise.Trimendsofonehalfandcutintoslices1/81/4inchthick.Juice
otherhalfandsecondlemontoobtain1/4cupoflemonjuicethensetaside.
3.Removetenderloinsfromchickenbreastsandslicehorizontallyinhalf(toobtaintwothinner
cutletsofequalsizeifusingthinlyslicedchickencutlets,theyshouldbefinealready).
Generouslysaltandpepperbothsidesofeachcutlet.
4.Placeflourinapietinorshallowbakingdish.Coateachcutletinflourindividuallyandshake
toremoveexcess.Setaside.
5.Heataheavybottomed12inchskilletovermediumhighheatforabout2minutesuntilhot.
Add2tablespoonsofoilandswirltocoatpan.
6.Layhalfofthechickenpiecesinthepan.Sautecutletswithoutmovingthemuntilfirstsideis
lightlybrowned,22.5minutes.Turncutletsoverandsauteothersideforanother22.5minutes.
Removepanfromheatandtransfercutletstotheplateintheoventokeepthemwarm.
7.Addtheother2tablespoonsofoiltopanandreturntoheat.Whentheoilisshimmering,add
remainingcutletstopanandrepeatcookingprocess.Placetheseintheovenaswell.
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8.Addshallotorgarlictonowemptyskilletandreturntomediumheat.Sauteuntilfragrant
(about30secondsforshallot,10secondsforgarlic).
9.Addchickenstockandlemonslices,increaseheattohigh,scrapebottomofskilletwitha
woodenspoontoloosenbrownedbits,andsimmerliquiduntilitreducestoabout1/3cup,about
4minutes.
10.Addlemonjuiceandcapersandsimmeruntilliquidreducesto1/3cupsagain,about1
minute.
11.Removepanfromheatandswirlinbutteruntilitmeltsandsaucethickens.Swirlinparsley.
12.Spoonsaucedirectlyontochickenandserve!

BlenderPestobySusannah
(FromMarcellaHazansTheClassicItalianCookbook)

Ingredients:
2cupsfreshbasilleaves(seenotebelow)
cupoliveoil
2tablespoonspinenuts
2clovesgarlic,lightlycrushedwithaheavyhandleandpeeled
1teaspoonsalt
cupfreshlygratedParmesancheese
2tablespoonsfreshlygratedRomanopecorinocheese
3tablespoonsbutter,softenedtoroomtemperature

Directions:
1.Putthebasil,oliveoil,pinenuts,garliccloves,andsaltintheblenderandmix
athighspeed.Stopfromtimetotimeandscrapetheingredientsdown
towardthebottomoftheblendercupwitharubberspatula.
2.Whentheingredientsareevenlyblended,pourintoabowlandbeatinthe
twogratedcheesesbyhand.(Thisisnotmuchwork,anditresultsinmore
interestingtextureandbetterflavorthanyougetwhenyoumixinthecheese
intheblender.)Whenthecheesehasbeenevenlyincorporatedintothe
otheringredients,beatinthesoftenedbutter.
3.Beforespooningthepestooverpasta,addtoitatablespoonorsoofthehot
waterinwhichthepastahasboiled.

*Note:Thequantityofbasilinmostrecipesisgivenintermsofwhole
leaves.Americanbasil,however,variesgreatlyinleafsizes.Therearesmall,
medium,andverylargeleaves,andtheyallpackdifferentlyinthemeasuring
cup.Forthesakeofaccuratemeasurement,Isuggestthatyoutearallbut
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thetiniestleavesintotwoormoresmallpieces.Begentle,soasnottocrush
thebasil.Thiswoulddiscoloritandwastethefirst,freshdropletsofjuice.

Serves6.

BowTiePastaSaladwithPeasandSunDriedTomatoes(Vegan),MitchFehr
Adaptedfrom
SupermarketVegan
recipe
Ingredients:
18ounces
bowtiepastaorsimilar
2cup
frozenpeas
7.5T(cup)
preparednonfatbalsamicvinaigrette
3T
ExtraVirginOliveOil
2T
DijonMustard
cup
oilpackedsundriedtomatohalves,drainedandchopped,
T
ofthemarinadereserved
t
salt,more/lesstotaste
Freshgroundpepper,totaste
cupchoppedredonion
cupchoppedfreshbasil
(optional)Iliketoaddgarlicandbalsamicvinegartotheaboveingredients!
Directions:
1.Inalargestockpotfilledwithboilingsaltedwater,cookthepastauntilaldente,
addingthe
peasforthelastfewminutesofcooking.
Drainandrinseundercoldrunningwater,anddrain
again.
2.Inalargebowl,whisktogetherthebalsamicvinaigrette,oil,mustard,reservedmarinade,salt,
andpepper.Stirintheonionandletstandafewminutestoallowtheflavorstoblend.Addthe
pastaandpeamixture,sundriedtomatoes,andbasil,tossingwelltocombine.Letstandafew
minutesbeforetossingagainandservingatroomtemperature.
a. Thepastakeepsgreatinfridges(coveredofcourse),anditsgreatleftover!
b. Nottomentionitseasytomake,Imeanwow,onlytwosteps?!

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Dessert.

SpicyChocolateCakewithChiliPepperFrosting,Kylie
CAKE
Ingredients:
1(~18.25oz)boxofdevil'sfoodcakemix
11/2teaspoonsofgroundanchochilipepper
1/4teaspoonofcayennepepper
11/4cupsofwater
1/3cupofvegetableoil
3eggs
Directions:
1.Preheatovenandpreparebakingdishasinstructedontheboxofcakemix.
2.Emptycakemixintobowlandwhiskingroundanchochilipepperandcayennepepper.
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3.Usinganelectricmixeronmediumspeed(orastrongwhiskingarm),beatwater,vegetable
oil,andeggsintocakemixcontinuebeatingfortwominutes
4.Spoonbatterintobakingdishandbakeasinstructedontheboxofcakemix.Allowcaketo
coolcompletelybeforefrosting!
FROSTING
Ingredients:
1teaspoonofgroundanchochilipepper
1/8teaspoonofcayennepepper
1/2teaspoonofgroundcinnamon
4cupsofconfectioner'ssugar,ormoreasneeded
1/2cup(1stick)ofbutter,softened
1to2tablespoonsofmilkorhalfandhalf,ormoreasneeded
1/2teaspoonvanillaextract
Directions:
1.Siftgroundanchochilipepper,cayennepepper,groundcinnamon,andconfectioner'ssugar
togetherinabowl.
2.Beatbutterinanelectricmixeronmediumspeeduntilsmooth.Addinvanillaextract.
3.Addinsugarmixtureandmilkslowly,mixingasyougo(don'taddtoomuchwithoutmixing
itintothebutterfirst,orthepowderedsugarwillflyeverywhere!)
4.Addmoresugarormilkattheendasneededtocorrectconsistencyifthefrostingistoo
thick,addmilkiftoothin,addsugar.
5.Spreadfrostingontocooledcake!
Cade'sGreekYogurtCheesecakewithStrawberrySauce
Crust:
1andcupsgrahamcrackercrumbs
tocuppowderedsugar
6tablespoonsmeltedbutter
Mix,andspreadin9inchspringformpan,andbakeat350for10minutes.
Filling:
1teaspoongratedlemonzest
cupnonfatGreekyogurt
cupricottacheese
cup1/3lessfatPhiladelphiacreamcheese,atroomtemperature
2teaspoonscornstarch
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1teaspoonvanillaextract
3eggs
cupsugar
3cupsslicedstrawberries,forgarnish(ormakestrawberrysauce)

1.Pureeyogurt,cheeses,cornstarch,andvanillainafoodprocessororblender.Addtheeggs,
sugar,andlemonzest.Processuntilsmooth.
2.Pourthefillingintoprebakedcrust,andplacethepanonabakingsheet.Bakeuntilset,30
minutes.
3.Coolcheesecakeonawirerack,andthenrefrigerateuntilchilled,2hours.
4.Removethesidesofthepanandserve.

Strawberrysauce:
Blend2cupsslicedstrawberries,withsomepowderedsugar,andhoney.Drizzleover
cheesecake.

CitrusKissedHoneyButtonsbyLiliBorland
Makes3dozencookies
Activetime:20minutes
Totaltime:1hour15minutes(including30minuteschillingtime)
Ingredients:
1cupsallpurposeflour
teaspoonbakingsoda
teaspooncreamoftartar
teaspoonsalt
1cupgranulatedsugar
4tablespoonsunsaltedbutter,softened*(SeeTip)
1largeegg
1tablespoonhoney
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1tablespoonfinelygratedlemonzest
1tablespoonfinelygratedorangezest
1teaspoonlemonextract
Directions:
1.Whiskflour,bakingsoda,creamoftartarandsaltinasmallbowl.
2.Beatsugarandbutterwithanelectricmixeronmediumhighspeeduntillightandfluffy.Add
egg,honey,lemonzest,orangezestandlemonextract,andbeatuntilblended.Graduallyaddthe
flourmixture,beatingonlowspeedjustuntilcombined.
Coverandrefrigeratethedoughfor30minutesorovernight.**(SeeTip)
3.Preheatovento375F.Line2largebakingsheetswithparchmentpaperornonstickbaking
mats.
4.Rollthedoughinto36balls(about2levelteaspoonseach).Place2inchesapartonthe
preparedbakingsheets.
5.Bake,onebatchatatime,untilpuffedandbeginningtocrack,6to8minutes.Coolonthe
bakingsheetfor2minutes,thentransfertoawireracktocoolcompletely.
Tipsandnotes:
*Tosoftenbutter,cutintosmallpiecesandletstandatroomtemperature
**Coverandrefrigeratethedoughforupto1day.Storecookiesairtightforupto3daysor
freezeforupto3months.

CadeandNicksLemonBars
(adaptedfromBlueEyedBakers)

Forthecrust:
1cup(2sticks)butter,roomtemperature
1/2cupconfectioners'sugar
2cupsflour
1/4teaspoonsalt

Forthetopping:
6eggs,roomtemperature
21/2cupssugar
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Zestfrom1lemon
1cupfreshlemonjuice(46lemons'worth)
1cupflour
Confectioners'sugarfordusting
Tojuicethelemons:Microwaveeachlemonfor10secondsandthenrollitwhilepressingonthe
counterbeforeslicingandjuicingthelemon.
Preheatovento350F.Generouslybuttera9x13panandsetaside.Youcanalsolinethepan
withparchmentorwaxedpaperforeasycleanup.
Directions:
1.Tomakethecrust,mixtogetherbutter,flour,confectioners'sugarandsaltinafoodprocessor
orelectricmixer.Blenduntilcombinedfullyandpressintothebottomofthebakingpaninan
evenlayer.Bakefor15minutes,untilcrustisjustbarelygolden.
2.Leaveovenonandallowcrusttocoolonwirerackwhileyoupreparethetopping.
3.Inafoodprocessororinthebowlofanelectricmixerfittedwiththewhiskattachment,
combineeggs,sugar,lemonzest,lemonjuiceandflouruntilcombined.Pourovercooledcrust
andbakefor25minutes,untiltoppingisjustset.
4.Coolanddustwithconfectioners'sugar.

SexuallyliberatedBrownies
Imnotsurewhythesebrowniesweregivenasexinthefirstplace,butgoodforthem.Andgood
foryou,becausecookingisanexpressionofcreativity.
FortheBrownielayer:
10tbspunsaltedbutter
11/4cupswhitesugar
3/4cupcocoapowder
1/2tspsalt
2tspvanillaextract
2largeeggs
1/2cupAPflour
FortheOreolayer:
19

1packageofOreo(regularstuffedordoublestuffed)
FortheCookieDoughlayer:
1/2cupunsaltedbutter(atroomtemp)
1/4cupbrownsugar
3/4cupwhitesugar
1egg
11/4tspvanillaextract
11/4cupsAPflour
1/2tspsalt
1/2tspbakingsoda
1/2tspbakingpowder
1cupsemisweetchocolatechips
Directions
FortheBrownielayer:

1.Inamediumsaucepan,meltthebutterovermediumhighheat.Addthesugarandcocoa
powderoncethebutterismelted.Whisktocombineandremovefromheat.Addthesalt,
vanillaandeggsandcontinuouslywhiskuntiltheeggsarecombined.Addtheflourand
continuetomix.Setbatteraside.

FortheCookieDoughlayer:

2.Creamtogetherthebutterandsugarsinamixer.Addtheeggsandvanilla,makingsureto
scrapedownthesidesofthemixingbowl.Addtheflour,salt,bakingsodaandbakingpowder
andmixonlowuntileverythingisincorporated.Foldinthechocolatechips.Setdoughaside.

Assembly:

3.Preheattheovento350degrees.
4.Linethebottomofa9x9bakingpanwithtinfoilandthenspraythetinfoilwithalayerof
bakingspray.
5.Layerthecookiedoughonthebottomofa9x9bakingpan,pressingdowntoformthe
bottomofthesluttybrownies.
6.Layerasmanyoreosthatwillfitontopofthecookiedough.Noneedtooverlap.Onesingle
layerwilldo.
7.Pourthebrowniebatterontopoftheoreolayerandmakesureit'sevenlylayersontop.
8.Bakefor3035minutes.Testwithaknifetoseeifthecenterisdone.Iftheknifecomesout
clean,letthebrowniesrestbeforeserving.Iftheknifecomesoutwithbatterstillonit,allow
thebrowniestobakeabout5minutesmore.

GlazedStrawberryPiebyTheDanStorfer(10/10WOULDTRYAGAIN)
20

(serves68luckyindividuals)

Ingredients:
BasicFlakyPieCrustfora9inchpie
largeeggwhite,lightlybeaten
cupsugar
3tablespoonscornstarch
13/4cupcranberryorcranraspberryjuice
4cupsstrawberries,rinsed,hulled,dried,andhalved

Directions:
Removethedoughfromtherefrigerator.Ifnecessary,allowtositforabout10minutes
oruntilitissoftenoughtoroll.
Usingapastryclothandsleeverubbedwithflourortwosheetsofplasticwraplightly
sprinkledwithflour,rollthedoughinchthickorlessandlargeenoughtocuta13inchcircle.
Useanexpandableflanringoracardboardtemplateandasharpknifeasaguidetocutoutthe
circle.Transferthedoughintoapiepan.Foldundertheexcessandcrimptheborderusingyour
forkoryourfingers.Coveritlooselyandrefrigerateforaminimumof1hroramaximumof24
hrs.
Preheattheovento425F.atleast20minutesbeforebaking
Linethepastryshellwithparchment,pleatingitasnecessarysoitfitsintothepan,and
fillitwithriceordriedbeans.Bakefor20minutes.Carefullyliftoutthericeorbeanswiththe
parchment.Withafork,prickthebottomandsideandback5to10minutesmoreoruntilthe
crustispalegolden.Checkafter3minutesandprickanybubblesthatmayhaveformed.
CooltheCrustonarackfor3minutes,soitisnolongerpipinghot,thenbrushthe
bottomandsideswitheggwhite.
Ina2quartsaucepan,mixtogetherthesugarandcornstarch.Graduallystirinthecran
orcranraspberryjuiceuntilsmooth.Overmediumheat,bringtoaboil,stirringconstantly.Boil
for1minute.Removethepanfromheatandcoolcompletely.
Gentlyfoldinthestrawberriesandspoonthefillingintothebakedpastryshell.
Refrigeratefor4hoursoruntilset.Thinkabouthowlifeisbeautifulandenjoy.

21

Snacks.
BuffaloNachos,RussellGoldman
Ingredients:
12oz.pasteurizedprocessAmericancheese,cutintocubes
3/4cupmildsalsa
2cupsdicedcookedchicken
2/3cuphotbuffalowingssauce
1/2ofa12oz.bagoftortillachips
2cupsshreddedMontereyJackortacoblendcheese
1cupcannedblackbeans,drainedandrinsed
1/2cupeachchoppedtomatoes,greenonionsandblackolives

22

Directions:
COMBINEcheeseandsalsainmediumbowl.MicrowaveonHIGHfor5min.,stirringonce
untilsmooth.
TOSSchickenwithhotbuffalowingssauce.
LAYERchips,cheesesauce,chickenmixtureandremainingingredientson12inchpizzapanor
shallowbakingdish.
BAKEat350Ffor5min.untilhotandcheesemelts.

JacobFedersNotQuiteGuacamole

Ingredients:
3Avocadospeeledpittedandmashed
1Limejuiced
1Teaspoonseasalt
1TeaspoonGarlic
1TeaspoonGinger
TeaspoonGaramMasala

Directions:
1.Inabowl,mixandmashavocadoswithlimejuiceandsalt.
2.Mixinremainingingredients.
3.Profit.

ChristineTreuholdsLemonGingerHummus

Ingredients:
16ozcanofchickpeasorgarbanzobeans
1/4cupliquidfromcanofchickpeas
35tablespoonslemonjuice(dependingontaste)
11/2tablespoonstahini
2tablespoonsoliveoil
1teaspoonofdriedginger
1teaspoonofcandiedginger
1teaspoonofcumin
Apinchofsalt
Apinchofpepper

Directions:
23

1.Drainchickpeasandsetasideliquidfromcan.
2.Combineremainingingredientsinblenderorfoodprocessor.
3.Add1/4cupofliquidfromchickpeas.Blendfor35minutesonlowuntilthoroughlymixed
andsmooth.
4.Placeinservingbowl,andcreateashallowwellinthecenterofthehummus.
5.Addasmallamount(12tablespoons)ofoliveoilinthewell.Garnishwithparsley(optional).
6.Serveimmediatelywithfresh,warmortoastedpitabread,orcoverandrefrigerate.

Hummuscanberefrigeratedforupto3daysandcanbekeptinthefreezerforuptoonemonth.
Addalittleoliveoilifitappearstobetoodry.

BrusselSproutsandGoatCheeseTurnoversLove,Max
Ingredients:
12tablespoonsextravirginoliveoil
1largeshallot,peeledanddicedfinely
2clovesgarlic,minced
1520smallBrusselsSprouts,cored,outerleavesremoved,halvedthenslicedverythinly
1tspfreshlemonzest
Theinnerjuicesof1lemon
cupgratedPecorinoRomanocheese
3ozhoneyedgoatcheese(nothoneyedshouldsuffice.Ifyourebasic.)
2slicesbacon(butactually3becauseMERICA),cookedcrispandchoppedfinely
Exactly11macadamianuts,choppedfinely
1tspfreshthyme,minced
Saltandpeppertotaste
4sheetsfilodough,thawed(Getanotherrecipeforthat.)
1stickbutter(1/2cup),melted
Directions:
Inamediumskillet,heat12tablespoonsofoliveoilovermediumheat.Addtheshallots
andsautthosebabiesuntiljustsoftened(about23minutes).Addthegarlicandsautanother
minute.Addthebrusselssprouts,lemonzest,andhalfofthelemonjuice,thenkeepsauting
another34minutes(untilsproutsarejuststartingtocooktheyshouldremaincrunchy,cause
youllbecookingthemagaininsidetheturnovers).Removefromheatandletcool.
Inamediumsizedbowl,combinethecheeses,choppedbacon,nuts,thyme,andtherest
ofthelemonjuiceandmixwithaforktocombineintoaloosepaste.Addthecontentsofyour

24

skilletanduseyourforktoencouragethetwomixturestogetintimate.Saltandpeppertotaste.
Donteatityet.Thisshouldbeaverythickfilling.Mmmm.Yeah.
Letsmaketheturnovers!Youreonlyusingonesheetoffilodoughatatime,sokeepthe
restunderadamptowel.Itsabitchwhenitdriesout.Cutthesheetintothreeevenpieces
lengthwiseyoushouldhavelongandskinnysheets.Useapastrybrushtosmotherthestripsin
butter.Ooooh,baby.Takesomeofthefillingandlumpitinthecenteroftheendofoneofthe
strips.Foldthecornertomakeatriangleoverthefilling,andcontinuetofoldthetriangleover
andoverallthewaydownthelengthofthestrip.ItskindoflikefoldinganAmericanflag,I
think.Placetheturnoverseamsidedownonaparchmentlinedbakingsheetandbrushthetop
withbutter(Yeah!Morebutter!).Repeatwiththeremainingsheetsuntilyouhave12turnovers.
Placetheturnoversinthefridgefor2030minutes(untilwellchilled).
Preheatovento375Fandaftertheturnovershavebeenchilled,bakethemforabout
1518minutes(untiltheyregoldenbrownandcrispy).
Servethemhot.Ornot.Whatever.Itsyourcall.

ThreeBries,byKylie

BriewithBrandiedCranberries

Ingredients:
1(8ounce)wheelofbrie
3tablespoonsofbutter
3/4cupofvidaliaonions,chopped
3ozfreshcranberries
3tablespoonsofbrandy
11/2tablespoonsofbrownsugar
1teaspoonofsalt

Directions:
1.Preheatovento400.
2.Placebrieinasuitablesizedbakingdish(aboutthesizeofthebrieitself).
3.Inalargesautpan,meltbutterovermediumhighheat.
4.Addonionstobutterandcookfor34minutes.
5.Addcranberries,brandy,brownsugar,andsaltandcookfor5moreminutesthenremovefrom
heat.
6.Spoonfruitandonionmixtureoverbrieandcookinovenfor20minutes.
7.Servewithcrackersorcrustybreadandenjoy!

BiteSizedBakedBriewithRosemaryandHoney

25

Ingredients:
2sheetsofpuffpastry,thawedbutcold
1largeegg
asplashofmilk
4ouncesofbrie,cold
abunchofrosemary
1/3cupofhoney,plusmorefordrizzling
saltforsprinkling

Directions:
1.Placerackinthecenterofovenandpreheatto375.
2.Cuteachpuffpastrysheetintothirdscuteachthirdintofourrectanglescuteachrectanglein
halftoobtain48smallrectangles.
3.Whisktogethereggandmilkinasmallbowluntiltheyarebeatenandincorporatedtogether.
Brusheggwashonto24(half)ofthepuffpastryrectangles.
4.Placeasliverofbrieontopoftheeggwashandpour1/2teaspoonofhoneyontopofthat.
Sprinkleafewrosemaryleavesoverthehoney.
5.Takeapastryrectanglewithouteggwashandplaceitoverthebrie,honey,androsemary.
Presstheedgesofthetwopastryrectanglestogetherwithaforkandalsoprickthetopofthe
pastrypocket.
6.Repeattheprocessofsteps4and5forall24briepockets.
7.Placepocketsonabakingsheetlinedwithparchmentpaperandbrushtopsofpastrieswiththe
remainingeggwash.Sprinklemorerosemaryandsaltontop.
8.Bakeinovenfor1214minutesoruntilgoldenbrown.Allowtocoolslightlybeforedrizzling
withhoney,servewarmandenjoy!

BriePastrywithPears(oranythingyoudesire!)

Ingredients:
1largesheetofpuffpastrydoughor1tubeofrefrigeratedcrescentdinnerrolls
3pears
1/4cupofbrownsugar
pinchofcinnamon
about125gramsor4ouncesofbrie(ormore,ifyoudlike!)

Directions:
1.Preheatovento375andbutteramediumsizedcookingsheet(orjustuseanonstickone).
2.Peelandslicepearsinto1inchcubes.
3.Combinepearsandbrownsugarinabowl.
4.Layoutpuffpastryorcrescentrolldoughoncookiesheet.
5.Placepearsugarmixtureinthemiddleofthedough,keepingatleast3inchesfromtheedge.
6.Slicebrieandplaceontopofpearmixture.Sprinklecinnamonabovethat.
26

7.Foldedgesofdoughoverthefruitandcheese.
8.Cookinovenfor3040minutes,untilcrustisgoldenbrownandcenterisbubbly.
9.Allowtocoolfor10minutes,thencutintoslicesandenjoy!
**ORreplacepears/sugar/cinnamonwithanyfruit/nut/herb/vegetable/combinationyoudesire!
Somanyoptions!!**

Guacamole,MarcoMartinez
Ingredients:
45avocados
1largetomato
1mediumredonion
Salt
1/2freshlemon

Directions:
1)Dicethetomatoesandonionsandaddtothemashedavocadosinthebowl
2)Squeezelemonjuiceontothemix
3)Addsalt,stirandtasteuntilthedesiredsaltinessisachieved
4)Serve!

MakingFriends.

Howtoputyourfootbehindyourhead,byRussellGoldman
1.SitdownONTHEGROUND.Makesureyourbuttisinafirm,sturdyposition.
2.Ifyou'rerighthandedthenliftyourrightlegintheair.Ifyou'relefthanded(andasatanist)
thenliftyourleftlegintheair.
3.Useyourhandstopullyourlegbackasfaraspossible,butmakesureyourlegisstillelevated.
4.Nowpushyourlegovertothefarsideofyourneck.You'llfeelthisstretch,buttrustme,it'll
betotallyworthit.
5.Tuckyourfootbehindthefarsideofyourneck.
6.Pushyourfootpastthefarsideofyournecksothatyourfootisnottouchingyourbody,rather
justyourleg.
27

7.Holdthepositionforasolidminute.
8.Congratulations!You'vesuccessfullyputyourfootbehindyourhead.

Howtoavoidtalkingtosomeoneyoudon'twanttotalkto,SusannahClark

Optionone:TheFace
*Stepone:Quicklyturnyourbackonthepersonyoudon'twanttotalkto
*Steptwo:MakeTheFace.TheFaceinvolvescontortingyourlower
faceandneckintoasmanychinsasyoucanmanage,slightlyopening
yourmouthandturningthecornersdownintoafrown,andwidening
youreyes
*Stepthree:Turnaroundandwatchthemfreakout

Optiontwo:TheGetaway
*Stepone:Letthepersoncomeoverandtrytotalktoyou
*Steptwo:Quicklydartyoureyesbackandforth,squatslightly,and
mutter,"Imustgonow,"andthenscurryaway

Optionthree:Puns
*Selfexplanatoryexcessiveuseofpunsanddoubleentendresisa
goodwaytogetridofthosewithshortpatience

Optionfour:PhoneaFriend
*Stepone:Allowconversationwithpersontocommence
*Steptwo:Subtlytextafriendandtellthemtocallyouandpretend
tobehavinganemergency
*Stepthree:Answerphonewhentheycallandtrynottolaughassaid
friendattemptstosoundlikethey'reinperil
*Stepfour:Apologizeprofuselyandsprintaway

Optionfive:Run
*Stepone:Run

Optionsix:Shakespeare
*Stepone:Onlyspeakiniambicpentameter

28

Optionseven:Rodent
*Stepone:Acquireapetrat
*Steptwo:Bringiteverywherewithyou.Letitrideonyourshoulder.
*Stepthree:Ifthepersonisn'timmediatelydeterredbythis,insist
thattheykisstherat.
*Stepfour:Iftheystillaren'tdeterred,casuallymentionthat
you'reabouttoconsumetheratinstewformfordinner.Thenleave.

Massages,KylieMoynihan
Massagesaregreat!Especiallyifthey'resensual,butevenifthey'repurelyplatonic.Thekeyto
sortofgivinganalrightneck/backmassageisthepressureyouapplywiththeballsofyour
palmsandthepadsofyourfingers.Avariationofmovementsandpressurepatternsisessential,
butthereareonlyafewthatyouneedtoknowtomakeitfeelgood.Ifyou'recomfortablewith
yourmassagepartner,havehirlieonhirstomachandseatyourselfoveryourpartner'slegs.Start
withthelowerback.Placeyourhandsonhirsidewithyourfourfingerstowardshirwaistand
yourthumbscreatingpressureoneithersideofthespinethisareahassomelargemuscle
groupswheretensioncanbuild,butitalsomaybeticklishforsome.Kneadthisareawiththe
jointsofyourthumbs,movingslowlyupthebackasyougo.Whenyoureachtheneck,workthe
largemusclegroupsbetweentheneckandshoulderswithyourwholehandthumbsworkingthe
areabytheneck,fingerspushingandkneadingtheshoulderarea.Thisgroupofmusclesstoresa
lotoftensionandit'sgoodtoworkthisareavigorouslyforagoodamountoftime.Itisthennice
tomovebackdownthespine,thistimeusingtheknucklestorollacrossthemuscles.Alsobe
suretoworktheareaaroundtheshoulderblades.Alternatively,ifyou'renotsocomfortablewith
yourmassagepartnerthatyouwanttositoverhirbutt,youcanconfineyourattentiontothe
neckareaalone,onlyworkingthosenecktendonswithyourwholehand.
Andthat'showtosortofgiveanalrightneck/backmassage!Befree!Beloose!

There'sASecretFormulaForCreatingThePerfectOnlineArticle...ReadThisToLearn
It!
ByMaxLuton

1)Havea"Eureka"momentoveryouricedlatte.Starbucksisanotablyinspirationallocalefor
emergingbloggers!Startwriting,champ!

29

2)Writeintheformofanumberedlistand
boldphrasesyoudeemimportant!
Thisenables
potentialsharersto
1.convenientlydirecttheirfriends'attentiontopartstheyfindparticularlyrelevant
and
2.talkaboutthearticlewithoutactuallyreadingallofit.

3)
Throwinsomedeepinsights
fortheBasicstosay"aaaahsotrue!!#life"about,whetherthey
comprehendornot.Teens'extensionoftheirsociallivesintothedigitalrealmisanatural
consequenceoftheirdesperatesearchforsocialrecognition.

4)
Haveprofessionalqualityphotos.
Irrelevantstockphotosarebetterthananyfirsthand
experiencescapturedonyouriPhone.It'saesthetics,notactualcontentthataffectswhatpeople
choosetoshare.

5)
Thetitleshouldbeeithershocking,suggestive,optimistic,orindicativeofexclusivity.
Useweirdcapitalization.

6)Stresstheimportanceof
love,beauty,friendship,andnature.
Theseareuncontroversial,and
yetsocialnetworkersstillsomehowbelievethatsharingarticlesonthosesubjectswillinspire
somegreatsocialchange.

7)
Grammerandspellingdontactuallymatter.
Noonewillcareaboutyourmistakesifyour
topicismeanginfulenough.

30

8)Youwon'talwaysactuallyhaveaniceroundnumberofbullets,but
stickadudin
ifyouneed
togettoanevennumber,oramultipleoffive.Or,ifyou'refeelingsneaky,putafillerpointinto
throwoffyourniceroundnumberthisprovestoreadersthatyoudidn'tputtoomuchthought
intoit!

9)Ifyoucan'tthinkofanythingtowriteabout,
findadifferentinternetarticleanddebunkit.
Ifyoujustifyyourclaimsbyprovingthatyouvaluelove,beauty,friendship,ornaturemorethan
theauthoryou'rediscrediting,thenyou'veearnedyourselfshares!

10)Yourlastpointshould
leavethereaderfeelingselfrighteous
andinspiredtochangethe
worldbysharingyourarticle.It'sbloggerslikeyouwhocantrulymakeadifference!

Comment
Like Share

HavingSkills.

ShiningYourShoes,MarcoMartinez

Materials
(allcanbeboughtatRiteAid):
Shoepolish(inthecoloroftheshoeyouhave)
Horsehairbrush
Polishbrush
31

Clotheforbuffing
Water

Directions:
1)Usethehorsehairbrushtobrushoffallthedirtandgrimeofftheshoes.
2)Applythepolishallovertheshoe,inordertoachieveagreatshine,Irecommendbrushing
aroundthetoearea.
3)Letthepolishsettlefor1015minutes.
4)Buffoffthepolishusingtheclothe,usequickandsmallmotionsuntiltheshineisobvious.
5)Addsomedabsofwaterontheshoeandcontinuebuffing,thiswillcreateamirrorlikeshine.
6)Ifyouarenotsatisfied,addanotherlayerofpolishontheshoeandrepeat35untilyouare
happywiththeshine.

That'showIshinemyshoes!Irecommenddoingitevery2weeks.

HowtoUnicycle,MitchFehr
Materials:

Unicycle
Anearbyrailingorlowwall
Astrongwill
(Advanced)shinsofmetalalloyadamantium(orshinguards)

StoryTime:
Firstoff,Idliketodebunksomeofthemythsandrantalittleaboutunicycling.

Peopleofthemalegender
CAN
unicycle!Ithasbeendone,andmanyoftheprosaremen
withintactgenitalia!
Anybodycanunicycle!Evenifyouarentthemostcoordinatedorbalancedpersoninthe
world,youCANdoit!
Itsreallynotthathardtolearn.Giveitadayofdedication,andyoullberidingfor1030
feet(anditonlygetsmorefunandeasyfromthere!)
Unicycling,believeitornot,isagrowingsportacrosstheUSandEurope.Thereare
manypathsformanydifferenttypesofunicyclists.Thereareafewmaingenresof
unicycling(oneormoreofwhichwillsurelyberightforyou!)

32

Mountainunicycling,affectionatelycalled
muni
byunicyclists,involvesa
unicyclewithawide,deeplytreadedwheelandasmallmediumsizedwheel
(2436inchindiameter,typically,36beingHUGE).
Trialsunicycling,involvesasmallwheel(2024),wideinwidthwithmediumto
deeptreading,andistheequivalenttowhatyouwouldimaginewhenyouthinkof
BMX.Therearemany,manytricksthatsomecrazypeoplecando,andyoutube
willamazeyou.Search720unispinandbeinspired.
Thisonerequiresthoseadamantiumenforcedshins
Orshinguards
o Oryouaremagic
Commuting,whichinvolvesalargewheel(2640).Commutingisessentially
longdistanceunicycling,andthedistanceyoucangomaysurpriseyou.Some
unicyclistshaveparticipatedin100milebikeraces(andsomeofthecrazierones
werejugglingthewholeway,too!)
Performanceunicycling(circus,stage,etc.)caninvolveapartner,andconsistsof
lookingasawesomeandtwirlyasyoucanonstage,possiblywhiletossing
flamingorsharpthingsintotheairandcatchingthem.Usuallynot.

Directions:
Someterminology:
Pedal
whereyouplaceyourfootontheunicycle
Crank
(Crankarm)thesturdypieceofmetalconnectingthepedaltotheaxleofthewheel
Frame
theUshapedpartoftheunicycle,holdsthewheel,cranks,andseatposttogether
SeatPost
Theadjustableheightpartoftheunicycle(a
seat
witha
post
stickingoutofit)

1. Findarailorshortwall!Itwillsaveyoualotofgriefatfirst.
2. Startwithyourdominantfootontheunicycle,makingsurethatthecrankisnohigher
thana30degreeangletothedirectionofgravity(otherwisethewheelwillgetgoingas
soonasyouputweightonthepedal!Grabholdofthewallorrailtosupportyourself.

33


3. Putyourweightonthepedalwithyourdominantfoot.Asyouliftyouroppositefootoff
theground,trytomaintainacentralbalanceontheseat.Whenbothfeetareplacedonthe
pedals,yourenearlythere!Personally,Ifoundthatkeepingthecranksparalleltothe
groundasshownbelowisagoodplacetocomposemyselfandgetmybalance.

Parallel!

4. Onceyouareestablishedandhaveyourbalanceontherail,youcantryrockingbackand
forth,pedalingoncewiththehelpoftherailandthenpedalingbackwardswhatever
youthinkmakesyoufeelmorecomfortableonthething!
Nowiswhenitisimportanttorealizeakeyfact:
Unicycling(aswithrunning)isaconstantstateoffalling.Justasyouuseyour
leanforwardwhenyourun,trustingthatyourlegswillcatchyouoneachstep,
youllhavetoleanforwardabitwhenyouaresuccessfullypedalingonthe
unicycle.
Also,dontworryaboutfalling!Asthepicturesshow,yourfeetarenever
morethanafootawayfromtheground.Theunicyclemightbangaround,
butyouwont!
5. Nowitstimetostartriding.Whenyourereadytoletgooftherailing,releaseyourgrip
andapplyforwardpressuretothepedals.Therestisreallyuptoyou,butIllleaveyou
withsomepointers:

34

Beconfident!Youcantsucceedifyourescaredofhurtingyourselforifyou
expectfailure.
Ifyouarepedalingforward,leanforward!Elsetheunicyclewillshootoutinfront
ofyou.
Ifyoureslowingdown,leanbackward!Theforwardmomentumwillkeepyour
torsogoingforwardsifyoudontleanback(shootingtheunibehindyou)
Dontbeafraidtoextendyourarmstobalance!Unicyclingisallaboutgoofiness.
Dontfeargoofiness.

:)

HowtoMakeaPerfectSoftServeSwirl,JessicaBarrueco
1.Holdthecone(orcup)closetothespout:thisway,youcanmakesureyoudon'tmiss,and
alwaysknowhowmuchfrozendessertyou'regoingtobeusing!
2.Letitrunstraightforasecondorsotofillupthetallpartofthecone,thiscreatesaflat
foundationfortheawesomeswirlyou'reabouttodo.
3.Begintwisting,thedirectiondoesn'treallymatter.Makesuretomakeyourswirlstightand
keeptheconeclosetothespoutofthemachinetoensureacontrolledenvironment,andthatthe
centeroftheconeisn'thollow,thatmakesittipovereasier.Paceyourself,thefroyo/icecreamis
totallymorescaredofyouthanyouareofit.
4.Makecertainallofyourswirlsareroughlythesamesize.Ifthat'snotyourstyle,createa
widerbase,andmakeeachswirltighterasyoumoveupthecone.

35

5.Whenyoufeellikeit'stallenough,centertheconeunderneaththespoutandreleasethelever!
6.Enjoy!

HowtoJuggle!!!,MitchFehr
Materials:
3jugglingballs
Hands
Fightingspirit
Directions:
1.
Whenoneislearninghowtojuggle,itisparamountthatzehasalightheart.Takesomedeep
breaths,meditate,doayogaroutine,orjustchill!Jugglingisfun,youshouldbepreparedtohave
some
1.5.
Getafeelforhowtheballstoss.Thebestjugglersaretheoneswhoknowwheretheballs
willlandbeforetheythrowthem!Thiscomeswithpractice,anditsagreatexcusetojustplay
withballslikethekidyouoncewere
2.
Startwith"twoballjuggling":thistypeofjugglinginvolvesonlyonehand(usuallyyour
dominanthand).Thegoalistothrowthefirstballintheair(lovelystickmandiagram#2),and
whilethefirstballisatitsapexandbeginstofall,throwthesecondballintotheair(lovelystick
man#3),andcatchthefirstball(lovelyman#4)andrepeat!Dontworry,youwontbethrowing
bothballsatthewallinfrontofyouforlong!!

36

Note:Ipreferredstartingwithtwoballjuggling,andthreeballjugglingcameeasilyonce
Iknewhowtojugglewithtwoballs.Ifyoudprefer,youcouldstartwiththreeballinthe
nextstep.

4.
Trythreeballjuggling!Thisiswhenitgetsrealfun.
o
o
o
o
o

Startwithtwoballsinyourdominanthand,andoneinyourotherhand.
Beginbytossingball#1inyourdominanthandintheair,aimedatyouroppositehand.
Whenball#1hasreachedtheapexofitsflight,tossball#2fromyourweakerhandinthe
air,towardsyourdominanthand.
Catchball#1,andatthispoint,ball#2isprobablyatitsapex!Tossball#3fromyour
dominanthandtowardsyouroppositehand,andcatchball#2.
Rinseandrepeat!

5.
Onwardsandupwards
Onceyoucanjugglethreeballscomfortably,tryswitchingbetweentwoballjugglingand
threeballjuggling,tryingdifferenttosses(theInternetisagreatresource!),andincreasingthe
numberofballsyoucanjuggle.IhopegetasmuchenjoymentoutofjugglingasIhave!

Mitch

37


Woah,lookatthisguy!^

Heshavingsomuchfun!!

EasyKnitHat,CadeLeebron
Materials:
Oneskeinworstedweightyarn
Circularneedles,sizeUS11
Stitchmarker(optional)
Directions:
1.Holdingtheyarndouble,caston40stitches,andjoininacircle,beingcarefulnottotwist.
Placestitchmarkerifdesired.
2.Knitfirstrow.
3.Nextrow:K2,P2,repeatuntilhatisroughly9or10incheslong.Thislengthallowsfora
rolledbrim.

38

4.Whenhathasreachedthislength,begindecreaserounds.Firstdecreaseround:K2,P2tog,
repeattilendofround.Seconddecreaseround:K2tog,P,repeattilendofround.Thirddecrease
round:K1,P1,repeattilendofround.Fourthdecreaseround:SSK(orK2tog),K2,repeattilend
ofround.Fifthdecreaseround:K1,SSK(orK2tog),repeattilendofround.Sixthdecrease
round:Knitall.Seventhdecreaseround:SSK(orK2tog),repeattilendofround.
5.Youshouldnowhave5stitchesleft.Bindofftheremainingstitches.Addapompomifyou
want!

HeadstandingandHandstanding,MarcoMartinez
Defygravitybythisoneandonlyguide!Impressyourfriends,yourenemies,yourlover,your
father,yourWescam!Ipresenttoyoumystepbystepguideonhowtoholdaheadstandanda
handstandbecauseintheend,wereallbelieversthatourfeetshouldtakeabreakeverynowand
then.

Materials:
Determination
Drivetobypassthelawsofgravity
Yourselfofcourse!

Directions:
1)Inordertodoaheadstand,Irecommendstretchingoutyourneckbydoingneckrollsand
rotations.Continuestretchingoutthebackbydoingdownwarddogsandchildspose(See
FigureA).Standingonyourheadisobviouslyverycounterintuitiveandmorestrainingthanone
mightthinkbecausewearenotconditionedtouseourheadandhandsasthebaseofsupportfor
ourbodyweight.

2)YourfirststeptolearningaheadstandistopracticegettingintotheTripodposition.Thisis
byfarthemostdifficultpartbecausethepressureonyourheadandneckwillfeelimmenseat
first.Formatrianglewithyourheadandtwohandsandmakesurethetopoftheheadactsas
supportand
NOT
thecrownofyourhead.Thiswillagainmakeyourneckcryoutinpainand
youwillultimatelystrainyourbackifyoulearntoheadstandthisway.

3)Inthetripodposition,liftupyourkneesandallowthemtositonyourtriceps.Thiswill
acclimateyourbodytotheweightyouhavejustplacedonyourheadandhands.Practicegoing
fromthetripodpositionintothispositionmultipletimes,gettingaheadstandfromhereisjust
aboutgettingusedtocounterbalancingyourselfinanunfamiliarposition.

39

4)Fromhere,Irecommendstartingyourtripodagainstawall.Slowlyraiseyourlegsupuntil
theyshootstraightup.Practice,practice,practiceandyouwillbedoingheadstandswithouta
wallinnotime=)

1b)
Handstandsarenotthatdifficult,itisallaboutlearninghowtofallandcontrolyourweight
aboutshootingyourlegsup.Thereisnocorrectwaytoteachthembecausesomepeopleget
thembypracticingtowalkwhileotherswhohavedonegymnanisticshaveprobablylearnedto
holdthestand.
Sothiswilljustactasageneralguidewithpointersonhowtogetthemdown.
Forthis,Irecommendstretchingoutyourback,shouldersandneckbecauseitisalsoaweird
positiontogetusedto.

2b)Asifyouaretryingtodoacartwheel,youwanttothrowyourselfforward(ontoyourhands)
insteadoflaterally.Practicekickingupthelegsandfallingdown(asifyouvenotusedenough
powertobringyourselftoafullhandstand)

3b)Whenyouarecomfortablewiththis,startkickingupwithmoreforceuntilthelegshaveshot
straightupandyouarestandingonyourhands.Yourlegsshouldfeellikeapenduluminthat
uponreachingtheapexofitstrajectory,theywilleitherfallbackdownorfalloveryou(See
FigureC).Theidealfeelingtoachievehereisthat
themomentuminyourlegsislostatthepeak
andyouraimistonowcontrolthis.

4b)Sonowyouknowhowitfeelstogetthelegsup,butyouresometimesfallingoverornot
kickinghardenough.Inordertoachievebalance,youmustlearnhowtocatchyourselfinthose
situations.Whenyouvekickedtoohard,youcandothisbywalkingyourhandsforward.Onthe
otherhand,whenyouveunderkicked,youcounteractthisbywalkingbackwards.Anotherkeyto
thisislearninghowtogripthefloor,ifyouconditionyourhandstobelikefeet,thentheywillbe
likeyoursecondfeet!Yaaaaygoodluck!

Notes:
Trainingyourshouldersandcorethroughpushupsandcruncheswillhelpspeeduptheprocess
oflearninghandstands.Notmanypeopleknow,butyourabilitytobraceyourcorehelpsyou
holdtheposition.
Yogaandstretchingwillincreaseyourrangeofmotionanditwilltameyourfearofputting
yourselfintheseuncomfortablepositions.
IwasveryfrustratedwhenIfirstbegunlearninghandstands.Iwouldsometimesholdfor5
secondsandnevergetitagainduringpracticeorthereweresomedayswhenIwascompletely
undershooting.Ifyoureallywanttolearnthisthencommittopracticingagainstawall,onthe
field,inyourroom,wherever!Itwillbeworthitonceyoucangetitconsistentlywooooo=)(See
FigureD)
40


FigureA:TheChildsPoseandtheDownwardDog.Notetheevocativeimagery

FigureB:Tripodposition

FigureC:YouarelikeaPendulum,butalsolistentoPendulumbecausetheyreawesome

41


FigureD:Voila!!!!Whatisgravity??!!!

ThisbookwascreatedbytheSpring2014pledgeclass

JessicaBarrueco
OpheliaBenedetti
LiliBorland
42

MattCatron
KaitlinChan
SusannahClark
AllisonConley
DeNeileCooper
RamiElsabeh
JacobFeder
MitchFehr
RussellGoldman
NinaGurak
MayaHerbsman
ConorHunt
MaxLuton
MarcoMartinez
KylieMoynihan
DanMuro
JacksonSabes
NadjaShannonDabek
WillStewart
RachelVerner
andtheirCritic,CadeLeebron

43