How to Choose a Wife

Speech by Vuyani Lingela on 05 August 20091

Do you ever wonder why we go to school and university to learn new skills to prepare for our
careers yet we never go to any school to learn how to choose a wife. This is strange considering that
when our career choice does not workout we can change the career. On the other hand in marriage
we commit our entire lives to a single partner. “Until death do us apart”, does it sound familiar.

Tonight I will talk about the experiences of some of the people around me as well as my approach
in choosing my wife. I know that in this room we have a mixture of people who have many years of
experience in marriage and some people who do not have experience. I am by no means an expert
in the field of choosing a wife but I can share my personal experience.

In 2001, I met a gentleman who became my friend in Johannesburg. He lived with his wife and they
seemed to be happily married. However, one day he shared with me a said story about his
relationship with his wife. He told me that although he cares about his wife of seven years, there is
no chemistry between them to an extent that they do not have any sexual relationship.

In 2004, I was attending a summer school where I met a fellow student who shared with me his
personal experience with his wife. He told me that in their marriage they experienced more
differences than similarities to an extent that they decided that the only solution to their problem
was to divorce within a year of their marriage.

When I was a student in Japan in 2000, I read biographies of some of the people that I admire. One
of the lessons that I drew from their life stories was the fact that the criteria for choosing their wives
were based on factors beyond their physical characteristics. For example, how many times have you
heard someone saying that I will or will not marry a fat or slim lady, tall or short lady, lady with
long or short hair, a lady with green, black or blue eyes, or even a black, white or Asian lady?

I have come to realize that the physical characteristics of your wife might only be very important in
the short term, for example when you take your wedding photos and when you go out for honey
moon. I am afraid beyond that, other more important factors will determine the sustainability of
your marriage. In my view there are two decisive factors which one should consider when choosing
a wife. First, it is her family background. Second, it is her vision for the future. I guarantee you that
with this approach you will never go wrong.

Let me share with you my personal experience where I have applied this approach. When I was a
student in Japan, I was active outside the university because I wanted to absorb the Japanese culture
as much as possible. One of the persons that I met at a reception party, following a panel discussion
where I had participated with Dr James Lovelock, a renowned UK scientist and an author of the
Gaia Theory, invited me to spend a weekend with her family. I visited her house and we spent
Friday night talking about South Africa, Japan, our families, and our dreams for the future.

We spent Saturday morning and the afternoon sightseeing. In the evening we had a dinner and
continued talking. It turned out that this family and I had a lot in common. For example, their son
was the organizer of a panel discussion with Dr James Lovelock. I also knew the son because we
met a few months earlier at an international conference on lifelong education. The husband was a
member of a Japanese organization that had invited me to participate in their seminars and he

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Vuyani Lingela first presented this speech at the Forum Toastmasters Club Meeting in Pretoria, South Africa on 05
August 2009, where he was presented with an award for the Best Prepared Speaker.
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recognized me because he had read about me in some of the newsletters of his organization. The
members of this family had a special skill, to sing “Nosy Sickle’s Africa”, which we sang together.

Later in the evening I offered to walk a dog with their daughter and she kindly accepted. It was
during this walk that I asked this lady to marry me. That was in 2001, we have been married for
seven years and we have three children. Our first daughter is five years old, the second one is three
years old and our son is 11 months.

Fellow toastmasters, I believe that choosing a wife is similar to choosing a long term investment
portfolio. I have heard that when you choose an investment stock you should be aware that its
performance in the past is not a predictor of its future performance. I have also heard that the most
important factor to consider when choosing an investment stock is the management of the company
of your choice. In the same way, I believe that you should never commit to marry any lady before
considering the background of the family that has raised her as well as her vision for the future.

The good news is that you can accomplish all of this over the weekend.

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