Playscripts Sample Chester Who Painted The W

Great Short Plays: Volume 9 (1st ed. - 09.12.
11) - greatshortplaysvol9_2gm
Copyright 2011 Catherine Butterfield, Cusi Cram, Michael Elyanow, Mary Gallagher, Laura Jacqmin, Julia Jordan, Matthew Lopez, Scott Organ, Marco Ramirez, and Kyle John Schmidt
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Table of Contents
Airborne
by Laura Jacqmin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Alien Monster Bowling League
by Matthew Lopez . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
Backflip
by Catherine Butterfield . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Baggage Claim
by Julia Jordan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31
Chester, Who Painted the World Purple
by Marco Ramirez . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
A Few More Dumb Propositions
by Michael Elyanow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
The Last Hat
by Kyle John Schmidt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
A Moment Defined
by Cusi Cram . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73
The Mulligan
by Scott Organ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83
The Perfect Guy
by Mary Gallagher . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95
Author Biographies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Airborne
by Laura Jacqmin
Cast of Characters
PRIVATE MARGARET JENSEN, a woman. 19 years old. Tiny.
COMMANDING OFFICER, a woman. Older than Jensen, but not by
as much as youd think. Was she Jensens commanding officer?
Is she trapped in a dream of reliving this moment?
MEN, at least three. Maybe more. Silent. Must be physically strong,
and larger than Jensen.
Setting
Maybe a black cube, and nothing else. Or maybe nothing at all.
Notes
In regards to staging, the stage directions in the text are open to
interpretation. Previous productions have used a cube and fans; a
long length of cloth coupled with precise choreography that ended
with the men hoisting Jensen just as she hit the ground; or, just
the actors themselves. The exploration of how Jensens fall can be
physicalized is encouraged. However, the actress playing Jensen
shouldnt actually flythat is, no harness or wire flying should
be utilized. The point is that the fall is created in the minds of the
audience: dont make it easy on them by literally recreating it.
The characters are all members of the military, but full-on military
costuming is not required.
Acknowledgments
Airborne received its New York City premiere production at The Ensemble Studio Theatre in its Marathon of One-Act Plays 2010. The
play was directed by Dan Bonnell and the cast was as follows:
PRIVATE MARGARET JENSEN. . . . . . . . . . Megan Tusing
COMMANDING OFFICER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Amy Staats
MEN. . . . . . . Brynne Morris, Ed Boroevich, and W. Tre Davis
Airborne received its premiere production in the CuDCs 2009 Source
Festival, Washington, D.C. The play was directed by Rahaleh Nassri
and the cast was as follows:
PRIVATE MARGARET JENSEN. . . . . . . . . . Brynn Tucker
COMMANDING OFFICER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Clay Teunis
All production groups performing this play are required to include
the following credits on the title page of every program:
Airborne received its New York City premiere production
at The Ensemble Studio Theatre in its Marathon of OneAct Plays 2010.
Airborne
by Laura Jacqmin
C.O. Private Margaret Jensen, prepare for your jump.
(JENSEN mounts a block, her arms at her shoulders like she is
gripping a backpack, then out at her sides, as though holding onto
the exit door of a plane. She looks down at the ground below her.)
(A cluster of MEN appears on all sides of her, holding tiny batterypowered handheld fans. They turn on the fans full-force, pointing
at her face. The wind whistles through her hair.)
Private Jensen, on the count of three, you will jump out of the plane.
You will wait one second, then pull your chute.
Your chute will take you sideways, then back.
And youll descend to earth, light as a feather.
Private Jensen, are you prepared?
JENSEN. Sir yes sir!
C.O. One.
Two.
Three!
(JENSEN jumps. Her arms out for a second, like she is flying.)
Then, disaster.
The chutes are designed for much heavier recruits. Private Margaret
Jensen, youre only a little over one hundred pounds.
You are whipped one direction, towards the fuselage. This is the
way its supposed to happen.
Then you are whipped the other direction, back towards your original drop. This, too, is the way its supposed to happen.
But your chute gets tangled in itself. Thats not supposed to happen.
And suddenly, in the space of a second, Private Margaret Jensen,
you are descending to the earth, light as a feather
Head first.
(JENSEN is whipped to the left. Then, to the right. Her chute is
tangled.)
(She repositions herself on the block, now falling headfirst. The
MEN redirect their fans so that they are blowing above her, down
into her face.)
Private Jensen, what are you thinking in this moment?
JENSEN. Im thinkingI should have eaten the cake.
11
12 Laura Jacqmin
JENSEN. The cake the Army gives us at every meal, I should have
eaten it to gain weight.
The wind in my face.
Im going down so slowly.
Why am I going down so slowly?
C.O. Your chute is still functioning perfectly.
It only feels slow. Therell be no sudden drop. Youll coast on the wind.
(Beat.)
Try to pull yourself up.
Right now! Pull yourself up! If you land on your back, therell be
something to work with. If you land on your back, therell be options.
Just dont land on your head, Private Jensen.
Pull yourself up!
(JENSEN struggles to pull herself up. She is unsuccessful.)
JENSEN. I cant.
The chute.
Its tangled.
My feet
I cant.
C.O. Call for help.
JENSEN. HELP ME.
(Silence.)
I can seeI can see the other guys from Airborne. Theyre going
down all around me.
Theyre looking at me.
C.O. Whats on their faces? What are they thinking?
JENSEN. I think they would help me, if they could. I think they
would.
I see the guy from Mundelein County He was in my Basic unit.
He called me a cunt. He made fun of me when I had to carry my
tampons on the Victory Forge march.
He called me
I can see his face. Even from far away, I can see his face and he can
see mine and
(JENSEN is breathing more quickly.)
C.O. What are you thinking, Private Jensen?
JENSEN. Im thinking about Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter,
Minnesota.
I was supposed to go. I was all set to go.
Airborne
13
Just a few years. Just a tour or two.

Gustavus Adolphus College.
Winters in Minnesota.
Scarves and lecture halls and chapel on Sunday.
I was supposed to go. I didnt tell anyone. It was my secret.
C.O. Take deep breaths, Private Jensen. Try to stay calm.
JENSEN. I just wanted to be a good soldier.
I didnt want to be a slut or a dyke or a bitch, and those are the only
three choices they give you.
C.O. Youre not a bitch.
JENSEN. Thank you.
C.O. Youre not a dyke.
JENSEN. Thank you.
C.O. Youre not a slut.
(Silence.)
Private Jensen?
JENSEN. The guy from Mundeleinhes going down the same rate
as I am. I can see him. Hes opposite me, but twenty yards apart.
Hes swimming. With his arms, hes swimming.
Hes trying to get over to me.
Ive seen it beforetheir chute fails, some guys grab another guys
anklesthey go down on the same chute, together.
It works. Ive seen it work.
He wants to get to me. He wants to get to me!
C.O. Private Jensen
JENSEN. On Victory Forge, he called me a cunt and he made fun
of my tampons and he opened one of my trash bags and he threw
it all over the ground and there was blood on the dirt and I was so
ashamed of bleeding, I wanted to die, and that night I snuck into
his ruck and I fucked him and it was great and we never talked after that, he never told anyone, and I can see him, swimming, great
strokes towards me across the sky but hes just staying in one place,
stationary, and he keeps looking down at the ground and its coming up too fast and hes turning red and I think Im going to die.
C.O. Youre not going to die.
JENSEN. Im so scared. Im so scared its going to hurt. Im scared
Im going to scream and I dont want to scream in front of the guy
from Mundelein County.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
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by Matthew Lopez
17
Cast of Characters
HUBBARD, a monster
SALLY, a monster
NELSON, an alien
Acknowledgments
Alien Monster Bowling League was commissioned by and premiered
at Ars Nova (Jason Eagan, Artistic Director; Jeremy Blocker, Managing Director) as part of THE WII PLAYS, a collection of short plays
by the Ars Nova Play Group, opening February 1st, 2011, with the
following cast and crew:
SALLY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Donnetta Lavinia Grays
HUBBARD. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Andrew Garman
NELSON. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Zach Shaffer
Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Laura Savia
ighting Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Grant Yeager
L
Production Design . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dan Scully
Sound Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jorge Muelle
Costume Design . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tilly Grimes
18

by Matthew Lopez
(A bowling alley in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The sound of balls

striking pins is heard.)
(Offstage we hear a group of voices laughing and beer mugs clinking. Then HUBBARD storms on in a huff quickly followed by his
wife, SALLY. They are both monsters.)
SALLY. Hey, hey, hey, calm down.
HUBBARD. God, I cant stand them!
SALLY. Calm yourself.
HUBBARD. All that trash talking.
SALLY. Its part of the game, you know that.
HUBBARD. This is different.
SALLY. Why? Because youre not the one doing it?
HUBBARD. No!
SALLY. Yes.
HUBBARD. No! Theyre being mean about it. We dont trash talk mean,
we trash talkyou know, trashy. Its all in good fun. This isnt fun.
SALLY. Theyre just trying to get into your head and, you know
what? Its working.
HUBBARD. Jerks.
SALLY. Hey, come on now. Sit down.
(He obeys. She strokes his fur.)
HUBBARD. Lets just go home.
SALLY. Go home? Are you crazy? Hubbard Grabowski does not run
from a fight. Especially not on the lanes. This is your game, monster.
Our kind have been dominating the Milwaukee Bowling League
since anyone can remember and the Grabowskis are the royalty of
Milwaukee Monsters. Youre the Bobby Kennedy of monster bowling.
HUBBARD. Just leave me alone.
SALLY. What is going on with you?
HUBBARD. I dont want to talk about it.
(He buries his face in his paws.)
19
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Matthew Lopez
HUBBARD. I hate them.

SALLY. I know. But they dont matter.
HUBBARD. If they didnt matter, they wouldnt be league champions.
SALLY. They wont be for long.
HUBBARD. I wouldnt count on that.
SALLY. Hubb!
HUBBARD. Everything was just fine. This was our thing, you
know? Ours. We owned it. Nobody could beat us. Humans? Pft!
They may have invented the game, butwell, you know.
SALLY. Yeah.
(She laughs at the thought.)
SALLY. Its kind of pathetic, isnt it?
HUBBARD. I wouldnt say pathetic. Its sweet, the way they try.
(SALLY pretends to be a human, struggling mightily to lift a ball
and chuck it down the lane. HUBBARD laughs, despite himself.)
HUBBARD. We were all so happy. Everyone getting along well. The
humans didnt mind losing to us as long as we werent eating them.
Nobody was scared of us anymore. We fought for our place and we
earned it through our hard work. And they respected us for it and
no one could take that away from us. And then they come. One second weve never even heard of them. The next, theyre everywhere.
You know my Pop said he cant even get a tee time anymore down
in Coral Gables, theyre all over the place? Everything weve worked
for has just disappeared.
SALLY. Nothings disappeared. Youre still the same awesome monster
you always were.
HUBBARD. Without a bowling trophy.
SALLY. So get it back. Nothing about you has changed because
theyve arrived. Its all in your head. And you know what you still
have that those stupid aliens can never take away?
HUBBARD. What?
SALLY. Me.
(She wraps her arms around him then starts to squeeze his biceps.)
SALLY. And your big monster muscles.
(He blushes and smiles sheepishly.)
HUBBARD. Come on, cut it out. Someones gonna see.
21
SALLY. No ones looking.

Make a muscle for me.
HUBBARD. No.
SALLY. Do it.
(Reluctantly, he does.)
SALLY. Whos my big strong scary monster?
(No reply.)
SALLY. Come on, Hub.
HUBBARD. (Quietly:) Im your big strong scary monster.
SALLY. What?
HUBBARD. Im your big strong scary monster.
SALLY. Who has the most frightening roar of any monster in all of
Milwaukee?
HUBBARD. Not counting Peter Sawiski?
SALLY. Not counting Peter Sawiski because hes // originally from
Akron and also half werewolf.
HUBBARD. Because hes originally from Akron and also half werewolf.
SALLY. Who? [Has the most frightening roar of any monster in all
of Milwaukee?]
HUBBARD. Me.
SALLY. You got that right! So whos afraid to play tonight?
Hubb?
(She pokes him in the ribs.)
HUBBARD. Im not.
SALLY. No you are not!
(She tickles him.)
HUBBARD. Dont tickle me.
SALLY. Make me stop.
HUBBARD. You know I cant stand it.
SALLY. Big bad monster, cant take a tickle-wickle.
(They play fight, then canoodle.)
(As this is happening, NELSON enters. He is an alien, slimy in
every meaning of the word. He watches for a second.)
22
Matthew Lopez
NELSON. Well isnt that just sweet?

(They quickly pull apart.)
NELSON. Hello, Hubbard.
HUBBARD. (Through gritted teeth:) Nelson.
NELSON. Interesting pre-game strategy you got there. Hope it
brings you luck. Youre gonna need it.
(HUBBARD instantly tenses. SALLY holds him back.)
SALLY. (Whispering in his ear:) Dont let him get to you.
NELSON. Nice to see you, too, Sally. Whoevers doing your fur
these days is a GENIUS.
(NELSON stretches.)
NELSON. So here we are at the start of a new season. You think
youve got what it takes to win your little trophy back?
HUBBARD. Well see what well see.
NELSON. I hear youve been practicing all through the off-season.
Imagine that: Hubbard Grabowski having to practice bowling. I
couldnt believe it when I heard it.
HUBBARD. We all have to stay on top of our game.
NELSON. Oh, that we do, Hub. That we do. Me? I actually got here
a whole five minutes early to get just a bit more stretching in. I think
thatll really improve my game. You know, me and my friend Kenny
was just placing bets on how close to 900 each of us can get tonight.
Care to join us?
HUBBARD. No, Nelson, I dont believe I would.
NELSON. Oh, wed handicap ya, dont worry about that. Wed give
you a good 100-point head start, if you want, before we start counting.
HUBBARD. Again, thank you but no thank you.
NELSON. Your funeral. I was just lookin to make this game interesting. Since we all know how its gonna end up.
HUBBARD. Its gonna end up with your head in a toilet if you
(SALLY squeezes his arm.)
HUBBARD. I left my wallet at home. Maybe next time.
(NELSON surveys the lanes before him.)
NELSON. God, I love this game. Dont you, Hub?
23
HUBBARD. Considering Ive been playing it about a hundred years

longer than you have, yes, I would say I do.
NELSON. Aw, dont be sore. Just because we were conquering planets while you were still coming out of your caves doesnt mean we
dont appreciate all that youve taught us in the lastwhat has it
been?
(Checks his watch.)
three years? Funny. Youve been playing this game almost a centurynot to mention walking upright and speaking Englishand
we picked it up (Snaps.) like that. Well, everyone has his own pace, I
guess. No shame in it.
(NELSON looks out at the lanes again.)
NELSON. This is a nice planet. A little small. Im used to bigger.
And I havent quite gotten used to the smell. But still, theres a lot
to be said for it. The first time I ate a Philly Cheese Steak just blew
my mind. Both of them. Paris is a great little town. And aardvarks?
Freaky. But bowling. Thats why we came here. We didnt have these
opportunities back home. Granted we did master interstellar travel
around the time this planet was in the Pleistocene era. But bowling?
Why didnt we ever think of that?
(We hear the sound of a ball hitting pins.)
Strike! Nice. Never get tired of that sound.
(He turns to face them.)
Well, Ill let you two get back to preparing.
(He snickers then starts to exit. He then stops, turns.)
Hey, HubI ever tell you about the time I bowled a 301?
(Pronounces it three hundred and one.)
HUBBARD. Thats impossible.
NELSON. You ever hear of someone who bowled a 300 and didnt win?
(Obnoxious laugh.)
Feel free to use that one. You dont even have to credit me.
See you on the lanes, sucker.
(He snickers some more and exits.)
(HUBBARD seethes then gets up and kicks something.)
SALLY. Easy, baby.
HUBBARD. I wanna bash his green, pointy little face in!
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
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Backflip
by Catherine Butterfield
25
Cast of Characters
PHILLIP
PSYCHIATRIST
Acknowledgments
The Backflip had its World Premiere at the Egyptian Arena Theatre
in Los Angeles in 1993, and featured the following cast:
PHILLIP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Robert Barry Fleming
PSYCHIATRIST. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Monica Horan
Authors Note
You need an actor who can do a backflip.
26
The Backflip
by Catherine Butterfield
(PHILLIP sits in a wing chair facing a PSYCHIATRIST. He tilts
his head, listening to something. [Note: Phillip can be Phyllis, if
desired.])
PHILLIP. For instance, now its getting quieter.
PSYCHIATRIST. Quieter?
PHILLIP. A moment ago you could hear a great deal of conversation, a kind of buzz.
PSYCHIATRIST. And now?
PHILLIP. And now nothing. Or almost nothing. A kind of settling
down. A cough. (Actor may comment on whatever else is happening in
the audience.)
PSYCHIATRIST. Anything else?
PHILLIP. A sense of slight confusion. And expectation.
PSYCHIATRIST. Expectation.
PHILLIP. Yes. I feel as though as though Im being watched carefully.
PSYCHIATRIST. Ah, thats interesting. And who is watching you?
PHILLIP. I dont know.
PSYCHIATRIST. Does this happen frequently? The sense of being
watched?
PHILLIP. Its an operative part of my day to day existence.
PSYCHIATRIST. Meaning?
PHILLIP. Meaning its constant. Constantly watched. Constantly
observed.
PSYCHIATRIST. Exposed?
PHILLIP. I suppose.
PSYCHIATRIST. Can you see them? These observers.
PHILLIP. No. But they can see me.
PSYCHIATRIST. And if you turn off the light? (PHILLIP frowns
slightly.) Why dont you turn out the light?
(PHILLIP reaches out and turns off the light on the table next to
him. The room goes to black.)
PSYCHIATRIST. What now? Do you still feel youre being watched?
27
28
Catherine Butterfield
PHILLIP. No. But I can feel them listening. (A laugh in the audience.)
And laughing.
PSYCHIATRIST. At you?
PHILLIP. Yes, I think so.
PSYCHIATRIST. What did you do to deserve a laugh?
PHILLIP. I dont know. Sometimes its very clear to me, I feel that
they are on my side. Other times, I feel Im being judged, or that
theyre laughing at my expense. Right now I feel (Actor, depending
on the night, will either say theyre on my side, or Im being judged.
Or even, its somewhere in between.)
PSYCHIATRIST. Why dont you turn on the light now? (PHILLIP
does.) You know, dont you, that there is really no one there? That
youre really not being watched.
PHILLIP. (Doubtfully:) Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST. You dont sound sure.
PHILLIP. Are you?
PSYCHIATRIST. What?
PHILLIP. Are you sure, I mean absolutely sure youre not being
watched?
PSYCHIATRIST. Yes. I can say with a fair degree of certainty that
there is no one watching me.
PHILLIP. Im watching you.
PSYCHIATRIST. Besides you. The idea of being perpetually
watched by a group of people is simply not a reality-based notion.
PHILLIP. What about God? Isnt God watching you?
PSYCHIATRIST. I am an atheist, so no.
PHILLIP. You are an atheist, so no. Im not sure that makes sense.
You could be an atheist, and He could still be watching you.
PSYCHIATRIST. (Carefully:) Since I do not believe in his existence, I
do not have the sense of being watched by him.
PHILLIP. I see. Sure.
PSYCHIATRIST. What are your feelings about the existence of God?
PHILLIP. I dont rule out that He might be a member of the audience.
PSYCHIATRIST. Only a member.
Backflip
29
PHILLIP. Well, you know, a charter member, if Hes there. Box

seats. What do you think about that? That I might believe God is
watching me.
PSYCHIATRIST. I have no problem with that.
PHILLIP. And yet you, being an atheist, certainly cant consider that
a reality-based idea. I should think you would want to cure me of
this strange delusion.
PSYCHIATRIST. I would consider it unethical to attempt to convince you that there is no God. However, I feel comfortable trying to
help you with this other problem.
PHILLIP. What if I were to tell you that I enjoyed it? The sensation
of having an audience for my life. What if I were to say I found it
comforting?
PSYCHIATRIST. Do you?
PHILLIP. Yes, I think I do. It heightens my sensation of being alive.
It gives my life importance. Look at you. You go about your daily
life, doing the thousands of meaningless tasks that make up your
existence, and who is there to witness it? Youre not married, are you?
PSYCHIATRIST. No.
PHILLIP. I have a theory that most people marry just to supply
themselves with an appreciative audience for their lives. But you
you live alone, correct?
PSYCHIATRIST. Perhaps we should focus more on your life.
PHILLIP. Whos there to applaud your efforts?
PSYCHIATRIST. I applaud my own efforts.
PHILLIP. Well, thats fine. But how much nicer to have outside validation. If you were to, in the privacy of your own home do a backflip, for instance, it would be followed by dead silence. But I do one
(PHILLIP stands in the middle of the room and does a beautiful
backflip.)
PHILLIP. and what do I hear? (Listening:) I hear applause! (Actor
may comment if he hears something else.) Its very nice.
PSYCHIATRIST. Well, thats fine. But its not reality-based.
PHILLIP. Whos to say?
PSYCHIATRIST. Im to say. And if we work together soon youll
say it, too.
PHILLIP. Oh, I hope not.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
Baggage Claim
by Julia Jordan
31
Cast of Characters
MARIA
FISHER
SAM
Acknowledgments
Baggage Claim was originally produced by The 24 Hour Plays at the
American Airlines Theater, NYC, 2004. It was directed by Trip Cullman with the following cast:
MARIA. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Maria Bello
FISHER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Fisher Stevens
SAM. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sam Rockwell
32
Baggage Claim
by Julia Jordan
(An empty airport in the middle of the night. Baggage level. FISHER
sits on lower bench. MARIA appears at the top of the staircase in
a white gown. She clears her throat to get his attention. He turns
around. He is not who she is expecting.)
MARIA. Excuse me?
FISHER. Yes?
MARIA. This bench is taken.
FISHER. It was quite empty.
MARIA. Theres another just down there.
FISHER. This one suits me.
MARIA. For what?
FISHER. Sitting. Im waiting for someone.
MARIA. There are no arrivals for an hour.
FISHER. Im early. I dont like that rush hour traffic. Its too busy. All
the honking. Cars zipping around, moving in and out of lanes, in
front of me. Why must they zip? What is the point of zipping? I cant
count the dashes properly.
MARIA. What?
FISHER. The dashes between the lanes. I count them. As I go. It
calms me.
MARIA. Thats why theyre honking. Youre driving too slowly. Because of the counting.
FISHER. Whos to say?
MARIA. The speed limit.
FISHER. That limits how fast you can go, not how slowly.
MARIA. No, I think on a major highway there is a limit on how
slowly
FISHER. No one informed me. If things arent clearly stated to a
person, written in the handbook, included in the rules and regulations, put on a road sign How? How is a person to know what is
expected of them? Tell me.
MARIA. Im telling you something. Telling you clearly. I need this
bench. Please.
33
34
Julia Jordan
FISHER. There is another just down there.

MARIA. Why do you need this one? Why? Tell me.
FISHER. Because a Ms. McCauley is going to come down those
stairs. And see me. And feel guilty. Just the back of my head. That
would be terribly lonely, dont you think? As she descends the stairs
to just see the back of my head, alone at three thirty in the morning.
MARIA. Thats a half hour from now.
FISHER. The cumulative effect of even that short a period of time
can appear devastating.
MARIA. I cant believe youre doing this to me.
FISHER. Im not doing anything.
MARIA. Youre sitting here
FISHER. Youre right. Im sitting. Im waiting. Im attempting to destroy Ms. McCauleys psyche. Im doing three things.
MARIA. Sir
FISHER. What did you call me?
MARIA. What?
FISHER. Could you call me that again?
MARIA. Sir?
FISHER. Yes, please.
MARIA. Sir. I need you to understand
FISHER. I understand perfectly. You want me to move. People do.
Generally. Away, they tell me. Get out! they shout. Out from
here! Elsewhere for you! And quickly! But Im not moving. No
more. No more moving.
MARIA. Im not shouting. Im politely asking
FISHER. I appreciated the proper address.
MARIA. Youre welcome, Sir, but
FISHER. I like your dress. Very pretty.
MARIA. Im meeting a man here. At this bench. At three.
(FISHER looks at his watch.)
FISHER. Not at three.
MARIA. Yes. At three.
(FISHER shows her his watch.)
Baggage Claim
35
MARIA. Hes coming. We met here. Three years ago, at three in the
afternoon.
FISHER. Its just past three in the morning.
MARIA. I think if you heard the story
FISHER. Stories are lies. Lies are stories.
MARIA. We bumped into each other. And we met and
FISHER. Literally?
MARIA. What?
FISHER. Literally bumped?
MARIA. Yes.
FISHER. Thats nice. People so rarely use language accurately.
Truthfully. It is a better policy.
MARIA. There was all this confusion over where the luggage was.
Which flights at which carousel. The voice over the speaker said,
Northwest flight 237, carousel 1. United flight 148, carousel 6. And
all the people trudged to their assigned carousel but as soon as they
arrived at their carousel the voice said Ooopsy.
FISHER. Said what?
MARIA. Ooopsy. Northwest carousel 6, United Carousel 1. So we
all trudged back. And then it happened again. The voice. Ooopsy.
And I was tired and exhausted and looking down at my feet, watching one place itself in front of the other and I walked smack into
this man. Just a man. Like any other. But we did this little dance
trying to get around each other and this man, this particular man,
and I We laughed. We looked at each other and laughed. First
thing he ever said to me was a laugh. And every time Ive seen him
since Weve laughed. And smiled. Except sometimes But mostly,
the vast mostly, we are happy. Laughing. Like the moment we met.
And tonight, one year later, hes asked me to meet him here. At three
in the morning. So we could be alone, I think. Cause I think he is going to go down on one knee and
FISHER. I did not say, Ooopsy.
MARIA. What?
FISHER. I have never in my life uttered the word oopsie. I may
have said oops. But not oopsie. And even if I did It was not
in the rule book. There was no commandment that thou shalt not
use a colloquialism to acknowledge a mistake or two. And I know
it was because of the Ooops. She said they were phasing out my
36
Julia Jordan
position, nothing to do with my performance. Her lie exactly. They

list flight and carousel numbers on a screen now. Little digits on a
screen. I just wanted to see all the people moving. Where I told them
to. When I told them to. It was very calming.
(Silence.)
FISHER. Im sorry.
MARIA. Dont be sorry! I was lonely. I was alone. But then I bumped
into this man. You made me bump into this man and
FISHER. Now hes not coming.
MARIA. Hes coming.
FISHER. People can be disappointing.
MARIA. People can be late.
FISHER. Ms. McCauley is very prompt. The back of my head alone
will look very lonely surrounded by all the linoleum. Loneliness
and linoleum are very accentuating.
(She kisses him.)
FISHER. That was strange.
MARIA. Im sorry.
FISHER. Why did you do that?
MARIA. Seemed like the thing to do.
FISHER. It was mildly upsetting. That particular day of oopses
was very upsetting. I needed calming. Ms. McCauley had regretfully
declined to have dinner with me.
(She kisses him again.)
FISHER. You did it again.
MARIA. It seemed like the
FISHER. Thing to do. Yes. It wasnt. Please dont do it again.
MARIA. Why?
FISHER. Its not calming is it?
MARIA. It can be.
FISHER. Not from a stranger. Who just willy nilly
MARIA. Will you come to the wedding?
FISHER. Pardon me?
Baggage Claim
37
MARIA. It will be on a beautiful day in a beautiful place. You could

drive there early before the traffic. Drive slowly and count the dashes
on the road. There will be a big sit down dinner
FISHER. With assigned seating?
MARIA. Absolutely.
FISHER. Could I be the one to tell them where to sit? All the people.
The wedding guests. Sitting according to me.
MARIA. Would you do it correctly?
FISHER. What are you insinuating?
MARIA. Well certain people cant sit next to certain people. Certain
people are fighting.
FISHER. Fighting upsets me.
MARIA. Then assign seats correctly.
FISHER. As long as no one, including you, upsets me.
MARIA. I promise I wont kiss you.
FISHER. You could. If you didnt all willy nilly. If you let me tell
you to.
MARIA. Alright.
FISHER. Just to see, if under those conditions, it could be calming.
Would you?
MARIA. Sure.
FISHER. Now I mean.
(SAM holds flowers at the top of the stairs behind her, and has
with him a musician. She kisses FISHER on the lips. FISHER
sees SAM. SAM turns around and leaves with the musician and
without MARIA noticing.)
MARIA. What?
FISHER. That was very upsetting.
MARIA. Sorry.
FISHER. A person does need to prepare themselves thoroughly for
upsetting things.
MARIA. It was just a kiss.
FISHER. If he didnt show up. That would be very upsetting.
MARIA. Dont worry. He will.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
Chester, Who Painted

the World Purple
by Marco Ramirez
39
for my grandfathers, and your grandfathers, too

and for Michael Russotto and Mauricio Salgado,
who broke my heart every time
41
Cast of Characters
CHESTER, a ten year old boy.
ABUELO, his grandfather.
YENIFFER, our narrator.
STORE CLERK / LAWN GUY / ANNOUNCER, maybe one actor,
maybe three.
Acknowledgments
Originally performed by The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts
as part of Mermaids, Monsters, and the World Painted Purple, directed by
Gregg Henry.
42

by Marco Ramirez
(Lights up on YENNIFER, who speaks to us directly.)

YENNIFER. The story of the boy named Chester who painted the
world purple. A true story. For real.
(She takes a breath. Continues:)
YENNIFER. Once upon a time, not long ago, in a city like this, in
a time like this, in a whole everything like this, there was a boy
named Chester.
(Lights up on CHESTER. Young. A fun-loving city kid.)
YENNIFER. He liked lots of stuff: baseball cards, skateboarding
shows on TV, SuperSourApple Bubblicious, but most of all? Most of
all what Chester liked, was his grandfather.
CHESTER. Abuelooo!
ABUELO. (Offstage:) Whaaaaat?! Whaaaat Im on the way, ya vengo, ya voy, Chestersito.
(ABUELO enters. Hes sweet, slow, hilarious, and very adorable.)
YENNIFER. Chesters grandfather was old, not like a million, but
like a lot, like thirty, or no, like even older, like old enough, like old like
when you start losing stuff.
ABUELO. Where did I put it my pillow.
CHESTER. Over here, Abuelo.
(CHESTER hands him a WHITE PILLOW.)
ABUELO. Where did I put it my cap.
(CHESTER hands him a GREY CAP.)
ABUELO. Where did I put it el clicker.
(CHESTER hands him an OVERSIZED REMOTE CONTROL.)
ABUELO. Okay Okay
YENNIFER. Chesters Abuelo liked lots of stuff, too. Melted vanilla
ice cream. Fruit Loops. The check-out lady at Valu-Mart. But most of
all? Most of all what Chesters Abuelo liked, was baseball.
(ABUELO watches a TELEVISION. BASEBALL sounds.)
45
46
Marco Ramirez
ANNOUNCER. (Offstage:) Ball one!

ABUELO. Swing! Idiota! I cant believe it, SWING!
ANNOUNCER. (Offstage:) Strike two!
ABUELO. Not at that!
YENNIFER. Back in his younger years, Chesters Abuelo had played
baseball.
ABUELO. I was a pitcher. And a good one, too.
YENNIFER. Though, sometimes, the story changed.
ABUELO. I was a second-base. And a good one, too.
YENNIFER. Like old when you start losing stuff.
ABUELO. I was a catcher. And a good one, too.
CHESTER. (Genuine:) Awesome.
(CHESTER takes the cap back, a ROOSTER sound.)
YENNIFER. Eight A.M.
ABUELO. Whats for breakfast?
CHESTER. Fruit Loops.
(CHESTER enters with two bowls, he hands one to ABUELO.)
ABUELO. I like Fruit Loops. Little crunchy circles. Little crunchy
colors. A beautiful thing.
(He looks down into the bowl.)
ABUELO. Hey.
CHESTER. What, Abuelo?
ABUELO. When did they stop making them in the yellow?
CHESTER. The what?
ABUELO. The yellow Fruit Loops? When did they stop making the
yellow?
CHESTER. Abuelo, theres yellow in there
ABUELO. (Stubborn:) Dont lie to me. Dont tell me what it is when
what you say it is it isnt is. And they stopped making red too.
CHESTER. What?
ABUELO. Theres NO YELLOW! Or RED!
CHESTER. Abuelo theres
YENNIFER. But Chester stopped.
47
(CHESTER looks at the bowl, then back at his grandfather.)

YENNIFER. Because there WAS yellow, and there WAS red, and
because he realized what was going on. And what was going on
was, his grandfather,
ABUELO. (Looking into the bowl:) This is weird, eh?
YENNIFER. Day by day,
ABUELO. Is this a different box than the one yesterday? How come
they dont make it with BLUE anymore either?
YENNIFER. Was losing his colors.
ABUELO. Or the red. Or the yellow. Or the orange
CHESTER. (Lying, badly:) II dunno, Abuelo, its, weird, huh?
ABUELO. Very weird. Very very weird. We have to call to the Fruit
Loops people to say: Hey, Fruity guy, why you no making the colors?
Why you no making the blue or the yellow or the red or the orange?
CHESTER. Yeah You like the yellow.
ABUELO. I LOVE the yellow. Tastes like bananas. Or lemon. Or
both, I dunno, tastes like yellow.
CHESTER. (Nervous:) Its weird, huh
ABUELO. Wheres my cap?
(CHESTER HOLDS THE CAP OUT before his grandfather, who
doesnt notice it.)
ABUELO. Where is it, hm? Wheres my cap, nio? Chester?!
(CHESTER is almost frozen, so afraid.)
CHESTER. (Lying, again, badly:) Maybe. Uh.
(He moves behind his grandfather.)
CHESTER. Oh, here it is.
(He puts it on ABUELOs head. ABUELO feels it.)
ABUELO. There we go.
CHESTER. (Nervous:) There, we go.
ABUELO. You know what today is?
CHESTER. No
ABUELO. Come on. You know what today is. Pass me the clicker
(CHESTER passes him the clicker, afraid, ABUELO clicks and
squints, trying to watch TV. He leans in closer, nothing.)
48
Marco Ramirez
ABUELO. This broken? This need batteries?

(CHESTER sneaks out.)
YENNIFER. And Chester thought.
ABUELO. Todays game is the most important game of the season.
Maybe of the decade. Maybe of my life. Chester? Whered you go,
Chestersito?
YENNIFER. And Chester left.
ABUELO. Is the TV broken? Whats going on?
YENNIFER. And Chester did the only thing he could do.
(The STORE CLERK enters, he suspiciously holds a PAPER BAG.)
STORE CLERK. Hey kid.
CHESTER. Yes?
STORE CLERK. What you gonna do with all this, anyway?
YENNIFER. He went to the hardware store.
STORE CLERK. Whatchagonnado with all this PAINT?
CHESTER. I I just What does anyone do with paint? Ima paint.
STORE CLERK. Paint what?
CHESTER. You ask everyone who buys a nail what it is theyre gonna
do with the nail?
STORE CLERK. No.
CHESTER. Well then. Thank you very much.
(CHESTER snags the bag from the STORE CLERK.)
ABUELO. Silly TV.
(He clicks it OFF.)
YENNIFER. Noontime, Abuelo takes a nap.
ABUELO. Three hours till the game of the year. The game of the
century. The game of my life.
(CHESTER sneaks into the apartment.)
YENNIFER. So noontime, Chester painted everything.
STORE CLERK. (Still in shock:) Purple? Why purple?
YENNIFER. Because of the Fruit Loops. And because Chester knew,
if it was the only thing Abuelo could see
49
(The STORE CLERK exits. CHESTER mimes PAINTING

things. As YENNIFER names them, he enters holding a purple
phone book, a purple cap, a purple pillow, etc.)
YENNIFER. He painted the sink, he painted the refrigerator door,
he painted Abuelos cap, he painted Abuelos clicker, he painted
Abuelos pillow.
(Abruptly, ABUELO wakes up.)
ABUELO. Uh! Eh! Oh! Eh Well. I was a dreaming, Chester. You
should see it. I was a dreaming, I had a meeting with the Fruit Loops
guy, and I said to him everything we talked about, I said Hey! Fruity!
Why you gotta change things, eh? People like the Loops the way they
are Why everythings gotta change? Then there was a chicken
it was a funny dream.
CHESTER. Sounds funny.
ABUELO. Very much funny What time is it? The game starts now.
The most important game. Wheres el clicker?
(He turns the TELEVISION ON. BASEBALL SOUNDS. But he
doesnt see anything.)
ABUELO. How come I cant see nothing on the TV. Chester? Chestersito, how come the TV looks so like nothing.
CHESTER. (To himself:) Oh man.
(CHESTER bolts out the door.)
YENNIFER. He took a bus. Then a subway. Then another bus. He
ran six blocks. He almost got hit by an ice cream truck. Then he
jogged up the stairs, got in an elevator, snuck right past security,
and, eventually, there he was.
(The LAWN GUY enters, stopping CHESTER.)
LAWN GUY. Kid, what are you doing on the field? You know youre
not supposed to be here. Theyre about to start the game!
CHESTER. (Exhausted, out of breath:) I know, its just, I ran, I had to,
for Abuelo
LAWN GUY. Who?
(A beat.)
YENNIFER. And Chester took a breath. And Chester told him his
story.
CHESTER.(Getting emotional:) My grandfather, he lost yellow, then
he lost blue, then red, then orange, then green, and, all he has is
50
Marco Ramirez
purple, and he has to see the game today, the baseball, I have to do
this, he HAS to watch his game
LAWN GUY. -Youre not making any sense
CHESTER. Sir
LAWN GUY. Get off the field
CHESTER. BLIND.
(A beat. It hurts to say it out loud.)
CHESTER. Hes going blind. Hes getting old andAnd I need to
do this for him.
LAWN GUY. (Compassionate:) Look Kid I could lose my job
CHESTER. Im sorry but you have to let me
LAWN GUY. I dont HAVE to ANYTHING
CHESTER. I took a bus, then a subway. I ran six blocks, almost got
hit by an ice cream truck.
LAWN GUY. I cant just let you paint this field, this ENTIRE field,
purple.
CHESTER. Yes you can.
LAWN GUY. No I
(The LAWN GUY stops.)
YENNIFER. And the Lawn Guy didnt know why, but he had this
sudden feeling like, yes, thats exactly what he needed to do. Like,
yes, if his own mother was alive, thats exactly what shed want him
to do. And he didnt know it, but his mother, who was in another
place, smiled for the first time in years, and was very proud of him
when she heard him say this one word:
LAWN GUY. Fine.
(The lawn guy, smiling, starts to exit. CHESTER paints.)
YENNIFER. So Chester painted up and down.
LAWN GUY. (Just before leaving:) I hate this job anyway.
YENNIFER. Chester painted home plate, third base, second base,
first base. He painted the pitchers mound. He painted the outfield.
He even painted the scoreboard. And, just as he was running out of
paint, just as the players were walking onto the field, he got in an elevator, jogged downstairs, ran six blocks, took a bus, then a subway
and eventually
(CHESTER walks into his apartment.)
51
ANNOUNCER. (Offstage:) Top of the ninth inning, folks!

CHESTER. Abuelo?
(ABUELO sits, in his chair, staring straight at the TELEVISION,
frozen.)
CHESTER. (Afraid:) Abuelo?!
(A beat. When ABUELO talks, he sounds very, very afraid as
well, maybe he even sounds older.)
ABUELO. Im here, Chester.
CHESTER. You had me worried.
ABUELO. Where you been, Chestersito?
CHESTER. Out. I beenI been out.
ABUELO. Youre missing the game.
CHESTER. Hows it going.
ABUELO. You know. All the same. Someones winning. Someones
losing. You know
CHESTER. Good.
ABUELO. The weirdest thing happened Chester
(A beat. CHESTER worries. No.)
ABUELO. In the middle of the eighth inning. Guys at bat, right?
Two strikes. Two outs. The pitcher throws like a curve ball, and
CHESTER. And what, Abuelo?
ABUELO. I have no idea.
(A beat.)
ABUELO. Everything Everything turned off.
(CHESTER closes his eyes, defeated.)
CHESTER. Im sorry.
ABUELO. Dont be sorry. Dont be Dont be sorry, nio.
(A beat)
ABUELO. It was a good eight innings. Chester. It was
(A long, sweet pause. ABUELOs grateful.)
ABUELO. It was a GREAT eight innings
(A beat.)
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com

by Michael Elyanow
53
Cast of Characters
GAY 1
GAY 2
LEZ 1
LEZ 2
54

by Michael Elyanow
(INT. A BLANK STAGEDAY.)

(GAY 1 and LEZ 1 meet.)
LEZ 1. Hey, gay.
GAY 1. Hey, lez.
LEZ 1. You hear?
GAY 1. Hear what?
LEZ 1. We can get married.
GAY 1. We can?
LEZ 1. We can.
GAY 1. Hooray!
LEZ 1. I know!
(GAY 2 has walked into the mix.)
GAY 2. Know what?
LEZ 1. Hey, gay.
GAY 2. Hey, lez.
GAY 1. Hey, hun?
GAY 2. Hey, what?
GAY 1. Marry me.
GAY 2. Who, you?
GAY 1. Of course.
GAY 2. We cant.
LEZ 1. We can.
GAY 2. Says who?
LEZ 1. The courts!
GAY 2. We can?
GAY 1. We can.
GAY 2. Hooray!
GAY 1. I know!
GAY 2. Lets do it!
55
56
Michael Elyanow
GAY 1. Get married?

GAY 2. You bet!
LEZ 1. Hooray!
(LEZ 2 has walked into the mix.)
LEZ 2. Hey, gays.
Gay 1.
Hey, lez.
GAY 2.
Hey, lez.
LEZ 1. Hey, hun?

LEZ 2. Hey, what?
LEZ 1. Marry me!
LEZ 2. Who, you?
LEZ 1. Of course.
LEZ 2. We cant.
GAY 2. We can!
LEZ 2. No. We cant.
GAY 1. We cant?
LEZ 1. Says who?
LEZ 2. The People.
GAY 1. What people?
LEZ 2. The Voters. The Bigots. The Haters.
All. Oh my!
GAY 1. Too bad.
LEZ 1. I know.
Lez 2.
Eh, whaddyagunnado?
GAY 2.
Eh, whaddyagunnado?
LEZ 1. Say, hun?

LEZ 2. Say, what?
LEZ 1. Civil union me!
LEZ 2. No.
LEZ 1. Why not? Its the same thing as marriage. Same protections,
except for a couple hundred small adjustments. Besides, its not like
its not every kids dream to fall in love with someone and go down
with them together to city hall and file for a civil union certificate
57
and enter into a civil union contract by getting civilly-unioned before an assembly of their closest family and friends.
LEZ 2. Actually, it is like its not.
GAY 2. A lot like its not.
LEZ 1. Yeah, I guess.
GAY 1. Hey! What if
LEZ 2. If what?
GAY 1. Nevermind.
GAY 2. No, what?
GAY 1. Its dumb.
LEZ 1. Whats dumb?
GAY 1. Nothing. An idea. A proposition.
All three. SAY IT!
GAY 1. Okay. Well. What if you marry him? And I marry her? You
think The People will let us marry then?
LEZ 2. You bet!
GAY 1. Hooray!
LEZ 2. Great idea, gay!
GAY 1. Thanks, lez!
Gay 2.
Hang on!
LEZ 1.
Hang on!
Gay 1.
What?
LEZ 2.
What?
GAY 2. I dont love her.

LEZ 1. And I dont love him.
GAY 2. I love you.
LEZ 1. And I love you.
LEZ 2. That doesnt matter.
GAY 1. To The People.
LEZ 2. Right.
LEZ 1. Does to me.
GAY 2. And me.
GAY 1. It does?
58
Michael Elyanow
Gay 2.
Of course!
LEZ 1.
Of course!
LEZ 2. Boy, you really didnt think that one through, did (you)
GAY 1. Hey, I know! What if
LEZ 2. If what?
GAY 1. Nothing. Nevermind. Another dumb propo
ALL THREE. SAY IT!
GAY 1. Wellwhat if I changed?
GAY 2. Changed? How so?
GAY 1. Got an operation.
GAY 2. What kind?
GAY 1. Think about it.
LEZ 2. Yes!
GAY 2. (Realizing:) NO!
GAY 1. Why not?
GAY 2. You are not a woman trapped inside a mans body.
GAY 1. True. But then Id legally be the opposite sex.
GAY 2. Even more to the point.
LEZ 2. Hold on, gay. I think gays got the right idea.
GAY 1. Thanks, lez.
LEZ 1. I agree. And Ill join him!
LEZ 2. What? No!
GAY 2. YES!
LEZ 1. Im becoming a man!
GAY 1. Hooray!
LEZ 2. Stop.
GAY 2. You just said.
LEZ 2. Changed my mind.
GAY 2. Thought you might.
GAY 1. Okay, hold on. This is what The People want, right?
LEZ 1. Marriage between a man and a woman or a woman and a man.
59
GAY 1. We can give them that. Of course, they wont need to know
that the marriage between the man and woman theyre getting is one
between a man and a woman who was a man
LEZ 1. Or a woman and a man who was a woman.
GAY 1. Theyd just see the marriage they want to see and thatd
make them happy.
LEZ 1. Happy People.
GAY 1. Happy enough to let us get married.
GAY 2. You would do that?
LEZ 2. Change?
LEZ 1. I would.
GAY 2. For The People?
GAY 1. For you.
LEZ 1. For us.
GAY 1. For Love.
Gay 2.
But
LEZ 2.
But
Gay 1.
But what?
LEZ 1.
But what?
GAY 2. But I love my gay.

LEZ 2. And I love my lez.
GAY 2. The way he is.
LEZ 2. The way she is.
GAY 1. Sorry.
LEZ 1. The cornerstone of any successful marriage is compromise.
GAY 2. Well, if youre gonna become a woman
LEZ 2. And youre gonna become a man
GAY 2. Then I will, too!
LEZ 2. So will I!
Gay 1.
You will?
LEZ 1.
You will?
Gay 2.
LEZ 2.
You bet! You bet!
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
The Last Hat

by Kyle John Schmidt
61
Special thanks to Elizabeth C. Lay
63
Cast of Characters
MOLLY PARSONS
TIFFANY
MR. WILSHIRE
PETER
Setting
This play takes place in a pre-modern pseudo-Dickensian world.
Think top hats and monocles, petticoats and gloves, knickers and
button-ups.
Acknowledgments
The Last Hat was originally produced as The Totally Rad Hat Blues
during the 2008 Frontera Short Fringe at the Hyde Park Theatre in
Austin, Texas, with the following cast and crew:
MOLLY PARSONS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Karen Anderson
TIFFANY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Steph Bates
MR. WILSHIRE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Boss
PETER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Maxim Overton
irector. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Elizabeth C. Lay
D
Costume Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anna Selina
The Last Hat received its world premiere during The Tens, a showcase of ten-minute plays by the acting apprentices of Actors Theatre
of Louisville, with the following cast and crew:
MOLLY PARSONS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Monica Bergstrand
TIFFANY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Emily Kunkel
MR. WILSHIRE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Will Steele
PETER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Daniel Desmarais
irector. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Legg
D
Dramaturg. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mik Mroczynski
64
The Last Hat
by Kyle John Schmidt

(A dressmakers shop. TIFFANY, an underling, bursts in the door.)
TIFFANY. Im late! Im sorry! It was unavoidable!
(But no ones there. TIFFANY whirls around, joyous, and gets out
her sewing. To the audience:)
I want the world to know: Last night a man kissed me for the first
time. Which became three times. And once on my mouth! Hes quite
well known. Its very impressive. And were going away. Forever.
Thats what he said. Im taking you away, Tiffany. Forever!
(MOLLY PARSONS, the owner of the dress shop, storms in and
declaims:)
MOLLY PARSONS. I am very sad about wearing hats today. Tiffany.
Today may be the final day I ever wear a hat.
(MOLLY PARSONS measures her head using a tape measure.)
TIFFANY. Are you sick, Molly?
MOLLY PARSONS. Yes. Very.
TIFFANY. And right in the middle of the busy season. I may not be
able to work overtime. Even today, a very impressive man may come
and steal me away. Who knows? I dont.
MOLLY PARSONS. Im not dying, Tiffany. Its much worse! Yesterday, my sister remarked that my hairline was receding.
(Pause.)
Back here.
(Pause.)
From the nape of my neck. Going to the crown.
TIFFANY. Oh no.
MOLLY PARSONS. But theres more. My sister also reported that my
hair was proceeding. Yes, proceeding down my forehead. It seems
as though my follicles have begun marching in tandem, climbing
up my neck and down my forehead. Three millimeters! My hair has
receded and proceeded three millimeters from yesterday!
TIFFANY. You can still wear a hat if you dont have hair in all the
right places. Take my Uncle George for instance
65
66
Kyle John Schmidt
MOLLY PARSONS. I wont take your Uncle George for instance!

You do realize my migrating hair could very well travel down my
face, inside my mouth, line my throat, and Ill never speak again.
Today may very well be the last day I can say everything Ive always
wanted to say.
TIFFANY. What do you have to say that youve never said? You talk
all the time. Yesterday I said three words. One was hello. One was
farewell. And the other was uh-huh, which I peppered throughout
your twelve-hour monologue.
MOLLY PARSONS. But I never say the right things! Ive spent my
life talking as much as I can hoping that one day Ill finally say
something I mean. And theres one man whos always held my heart
captive and that one man will receive my final declaration before
the mess settles in.
TIFFANY. Who?
MOLLY PARSONS. I shall wear my finest hat. Now where is it?
TIFFANY. You must tell me who!
(Ring-a-ling! The door announces someone has arrived. TIFFANY
turns excitedly, but then is disappointed when MR. WILSHIRE
appears.)
MR. WILSHIRE. Molly Parsons! We have a problem. Hi little Tiffany.
MOLLY PARSONS. Just the man I want to see. (Aside:) Voice dont
fail me now!
TIFFANY. Mr. Wilshire, your dress is not ready.
MOLLY PARSONS. (Not what she wants to say, but all she can say:) Mr.
Wilshire, your dress is not ready.
MR. WILSHIRE. My sisters dress, you mean. I dont wear dresses.
MOLLY PARSONS. Mr. Wilshire. Will you excuse me? I cannot conduct business without my favorite hat.
MR. WILSHIRE. No. I need my dress now. My sisters dress that is.
Right now.
MOLLY PARSONS. Its not my fault. Tiffany has been slacking and
gossiping all morning. You should see her when youre gone, just
talk talk talk, I can hardly get a word in edgewise. You know Im
not good with words, gesticulating sure, I could do that all day, but
using words. Well-chosen words! Excuse me, my finest hat, its in
the back.
(MOLLY exits abruptly.)
The Last Hat
67
MR. WILSHIRE. Wait, theres a problem! I have a problem! (To

TIFFANY:) Oh Tiffany, I dont want you yelling at me about this, but
my sisterthe hippopotamus rexhas gained a full forty pounds in
the past two weeks. Im about ready to get a tent with drawstrings
and call it a day.
TIFFANY. Its actually not a problem, Ive used elastic bands around
the arms, waist, and collar.
MR. WILSHIRE. Oh good. Tiffany, youre in a noticeably better
mood than usual.
TIFFANY. (Explosively:) I was kissed last night! Three times! Here,
here, and here! And once on my mouth! And hes coming to take me
away! Today! Its VERY impressive!
MOLLY PARSONS. (Entering:) Oh Tiffany. Not that delusional fantasy again. I assure you Mr. Wilshire, if you opened that ones jaw
youd find cobwebs and mushrooms.
TIFFANY. Its not a fantasy.
MOLLY PARSONS. Tiffany, stop distracting us. Mr. Wilshire. Dear!
Lets have one of our talks.
MR. WILSHIRE. No, I need that dress now. My sister is standing
naked in wait. Its not a pretty sight, believe you me. Say your peace
and make Tiffany work faster.
TIFFANY. Im done.
MOLLY PARSONS. You forgot a pocket.
TIFFANY. What?
MOLLY PARSONS. You bald-faced underclass bean pole, sew
another pocket!
TIFFANY. They cost extra.
MR. WILSHIRE. Im not paying for more pockets.
MOLLY PARSONS. I have something desperate to tell you, Mr.
Wilshire.
MR. WILSHIRE. What?
MOLLY PARSONS. Okay. Well. However, Ive misplaced my finest
hat and you have neglected to help me look for it. Thats what! Im
offended. Stop sewing, Tiffany, Ive been wronged.
MR. WILSHIRE. What have I done?
MOLLY PARSONS. No, I refuse to speak. Im hatless.
TIFFANY. Just say what you have to say.
68
Kyle John Schmidt
MOLLY PARSONS. You say what you have to say.

TIFFANY. I have nothing to say.
MOLLY PARSONS. Then stop talking!
MR. WILSHIRE. Can a man get a dress without woman interfering? I wonder! Good day!
(MR. WILSHIRE picks up the dress and tries to leave.)
MOLLY PARSONS. Mr. Wilshire, I have a confession. Weve been
friends for years. I feel comfortable with you. You listen well. So here
goes: I. Think. Tiffany has a monster crush on you!
TIFFANY. What!
MR. WILSHIRE. Ew. Sorry, Tiffany. To be blunt: youre
(MR. WILSHIRE produces a disgusting sound).
TIFFANY. But I dont like you. And theres a very well-known, highly impressive man coming to take me away today!
MOLLY PARSONS. Yeah right, Tiffany.
MR. WILSHIRE. Your little confession has not only re-contextualized all of our interactions previous, but all future conversations.
Pockets, indeed!
TIFFANY. I was kissed! Three times! Last night! Once on my mouth!
MR. WILSHIRE. Molly, thank you for the dress. Which will be given promptly to my sister. Good day.
(MR. WILSHIRE leaves. MOLLY PARSONS is crushed.)
TIFFANY. Molly Parsons! What have you done!
MOLLY PARSONS. Nothing. And everything wrong. If I had to go
back, I wouldnt have become a dressmaker. I would have become
some sort of inventor technologist. I would invent ways to make my
innermost intricacies readable, understandable, and unflinching.
TIFFANY. There is a man coming for me.
MOLLY PARSONS. Oh Tiffany. There are hundreds of men coming
for me. Women, too. When word gets out about my migrating hair,
Ill probably become the most sought after freak show spectacle in
all the world. Theyll come on ships, up from the shores, jangling
nickels in their hands, storming to our door, a line all the way to
the deli, because they want to view the Woman With Hair in Her
Throat. And I wont even be able to tell them, stop gawking at me!
(MOLLY PARSONS measures her head again.)
The Last Hat
69
MOLLY PARSONS. Two more millimeters.

TIFFANY. Tell Mr. Wilshire what you feel while you still can.
MOLLY PARSONS. I cant!
TIFFANY. Why not! Hes always here ordering dresses and Ive never seen his sister. No one has. But hell be back tomorrow to order
another. And, like always, hell bring truffles and strudels, taffy and
almond bark. Will I get any? Even a taste? No.
MOLLY PARSONS. Of course not, you eat too much and are no fun
to share with.
TIFFANY. Molly Parsons. He comes here to see you.
MOLLY PARSONS. Do you really think so?
TIFFANY. Ive never seen his sister. No one has.
MOLLY PARSONS. Tiffany, dont be a jerk. Shes afraid of wind
germs. Thats what he said. You go outside, you get wind germs,
shes a smart healthy woman.
TIFFANY. Then why does she need so many dresses? His house
is probably full of dresses that no one wears. But he buys them because he wants to see you!
MOLLY PARSONS. I cant believe thats true.
TIFFANY. If youre not going to tell him, then I will!
MOLLY PARSONS. No! Tiffany! No! Stop that! I cant without my
favorite hat!
(Enter PETER with a hat.)
PETER. Special delivery.
TIFFANY. Peter!
MOLLY PARSONS. My hat! Of course! I sent my favorite hat to the
shop for repair! Peter, you have saved my life. Heres a wooden nickel.
Now run along.
TIFFANY. He cant. Peters come to ask for my hand in marriage.
MOLLY PARSONS. Oh Peter. I will not tolerate anyone playing
practical jokes on Tiffany.
TIFFANY. Molly, this is no joke. Were going to run away. Together!
And make out! Like all the time!
MOLLY PARSONS. But Tiffany. If you leave, Ill be all alone!
TIFFANY. Youve had your chances, Molly. Thousands of chances.
70
Kyle John Schmidt
MOLLY PARSONS. Youre right. Chances to speak are overgrown

throughout my life. Peter, Ive been meaning to tell you that Ive fallen in love with you.
TIFFANY. WHAT!
MOLLY PARSONS. This hat was just a clever ruse to get you inside
my shop for this momentous declaration.
TIFFANY. Peter already loves me. Find another.
MOLLY PARSONS. I have found another. Peter?
PETER. Im in love with Tiffany.
MOLLY PARSONS. Thats laughable. Only fleas and mice are in
love with Tiffany.
PETER. Molly, the truth is my youth is fading.
MOLLY PARSONS. Youth is always fading.
PETER. No, its much worse. Not three days ago, my sister remarked
that my hairline is receding.
MOLLY PARSONS. Its far better for hair to surrender to our combs,
then to battle on across our bodies.
PETER. Theres more. My eyesight: slowly dimming. My hearing:
admirably failing. My posture: stooped! My energy: pooped! Look
close, Im rapidly aging!
TIFFANY. Oh Peter, I dont care how you age.
MOLLY PARSONS. Neither do I.
TIFFANY. Last night was the grandest time I ever had in my life.
MOLLY PARSONS. I was available, you just had to ask.
TIFFANY. I want to grow old with you. At a different rate. But old
nonetheless. I love you.
MOLLY PARSONS. I love you more. And Tiffany smells. Marry me.
PETER. This has never happened before. Two women wanting me?
Im torn!
(MOLLY PARSONS wraps PETER in a kiss. MR. WILSHIRE enters.)
MOLLY PARSONS. Mr. Wilshire! Youve returned!
MR. WILSHIRE. And you have remained. Good morning, Peter.
Shouldnt you be heading back to your shop?
PETER. No, Im choosing a wife. And Molly has been making some
very persuasive arguments.
The Last Hat
71
MOLLY PARSONS. Peter!

TIFFANY. Mr. Wilshire, Molly has something very important to tell
you.
MOLLY PARSONS. Mr. Wilshire, you mustnt believe these young
things. But you should know, I do have something to ask you and
you must reply honestly.
(MOLLY puts on her recently repaired best hatthe hat she can
be herself in.)
Do you like my hat?
MR. WILSHIRE. Yes.
MOLLY PARSONS. Thank you. Oh thank you. Here I thought I lost
it, but it was at the repair shop.
TIFFANY. Now say what youve always wanted to say.
MOLLY PARSONS. I will! Mr. Wilshire. This is near impossible to
say. But you should knowthatmy hair is eating my face!
TIFFANY. No!
MOLLY PARSONS. Its true Tiffany, just up the back and down the
front. Sorry Peter, well have to break up.
PETER. If you wear a hat, no one will know. Take my Aunt Regina,
for instance
MOLLY PARSONS. Mr. Wilshire. Say something to me. Reassure
me. Comfort me. Proclaim to me. No one else talk. Please.
MR. WILSHIRE. Well, Molly Parsons, your hair is of little concern
to me. I have something to let you know. This may surprise you.
MOLLY PARSONS. I like surprises. Confess. Let me listen.
MR. WILSHIRE. I have come back to let you know that I must tell
you that little Tiffany should know that I have reconsidered her offer and officially return my affections.
TIFFANY. What!
MR. WILSHIRE. Tiffany, though I find you sluggish in both work
ethic and appearance, your declaration was flattering and well-reasoned. I agree, and as any fool worth her salt could see: I am desirable. And your honesty has disarmed me: lets get married.
MOLLY PARSONS. But. Im in love.
MR. WILSHIRE. Youre engaged to Peter, I understand, hes very young.
PETER. But not for long!
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
A Moment Defined
by Cusi Cram
73
Cast of Characters
ELLA, late twenties, hip
BEAU, late twenties, hipper
Acknowledgments
A Moment Defined had its World Premiere as part of The Subway
Plays at HB Theater in New York City in June, 2003. It was directed
by Christian Parker and featured the following cast:
ELLA. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jen Albano
BEAU. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Matt Dawson
74
A Moment Defined
by Cusi Cram
(The downtown 2 train. The train is stalled. ELLA looks out. She
is visibly peeved. BEAU laughs to himself.)
ELLA. (Not looking at BEAU:) Are you gonna share?
BEAU. Share?
ELLA. Your mirth, your merriment, your subtextual joie de vivre.
BEAU. Are you still pissed about the cab?
ELLA. I just want in on your inner joke.
BEAU. Its just a cab from 121st and Amsterdam to Williamsburg
costs
ELLA. I KNOW how much cabs cost, that I know.
BEAU. Well, then
ELLA. Well then? Well then? What exactly do you mean by well then?
BEAU. Nothing, I mean nothing.
(Pause. Beau looks away and chuckles to himself.)
ELLA. (Turning to BEAU:) Were stuck in a tunnel for like five whole
minutes here and you know how I feel about places where oxygen is
not abundant, where air does not move freely and easily of its own
accord and youre smirking.
BEAU. I thought you said you didnt mind the train at certain times.
And I am not smirking.
ELLA. I would never say something like that. And you are smirking.
BEAU. Am not. But you did, you did say something about being OK
with riding the train at off peak hours.
ELLA. I would hardly call this off peak.
BEAU. Its a Tuesday at 1 am.
ELLA. Exactly.
BEAU. It seems to me thatthat if something were going to happen
it seems to me there are busier times.
ELLA. Define your terms.
BEAU. What terms?
ELLA. Busier times, what precisely do you mean by busier
times?
75
76
Cusi Cram
BEAU. (Rapid fire:) Rush hour, Saturday and Sunday between noon
and six, bank holidays, the week before Christmas, pre and post
Theater time, the 4 train after a Yankees game. Those terms/times.
ELLA. Why were you laughing?
BEAU. I thought I was smirking.
ELLA. You know what I find funny, is that no one has told us anything. GOD I FUCKING HATE THE SUBWAY!
BEAU. Jesus! Well take a cab next time.
(The train begins to move again. ELLA begins to sob.)
BEAU. Oh honey, Ididnt mean to laugh to myselfor be
ELLA. (Sniffling:) Snotty.
BEAU. You have this thingthis whateverI know its not rational
I need to
(ELLA snuggles up against BEAU. She nestles for a minute.)
BEAU. Youve been in a weird mood all day.
ELLA. Yeah.
(A little pause.)
BEAU. Is itisityourcycle?
ELLA. Dont. Justno it is not. I hate the word cycle. Bad word. Just
let me have thisthis fear
BEAU. I was trying
ELLA. Dont.
(A little longer pause. BEAU smiles to himself.)
BEAU. Marco cracks me up.
ELLA. I know.
BEAU. That thing he does with his straw. How does he do it? And
then that story
ELLA. I heard the story.
BEAU. How could he swallow his Dads hearing aid and not know?
How?
ELLA. No idea.
BEAU. Junes shoes were cool.
ELLA. She got them at a sample sale.
BEAU. You should go with her sometime. She has good shoes.
A Moment Defined
77
ELLA. She does. Good earrings too. Beau, did you notice anything
weird tonight?
BEAU. The food. The food was weird. But thats Marco and June,
theyre all like, theres the best Ethiopian restaurant in the entire
world in Inwood. Or lets go for Bolivian food in Flushing, its their
thing. It used to bug me, doesnt anymore.
ELLA. Why not?
BEAU. I like their stories, like their shoes.
ELLA. Thats it?
BEAU. Marco and me, me and Marco, Marco and I, we have a bunch
of stuff in common. Its just hard for other people to understand.
ELLA. I understand.
BEAU. Its complicated.
ELLA. No it isnt. Your father invented the Bing Boing, a famous toy
and Marcos father invented crazy glue, a famous glue. End of story.
Is this train even inching? We could crawl to Brooklyn faster.
BEAU. Its more complicated than that.
ELLA. What is?
BEAU. Marco andwhat we have in common.
ELLA. How is it complicated?
BEAU. I thought you got it.
ELLA. I get it. You both work for your fathers, feel weird about it,
but not that weird.
BEAU. I mean its hard, hard, I mean maybe no matter what you
do, or try to do, itll never
ELLA. Be as important as the Bing Boing?
BEAU. Youre like Medea today, Medea on crack.
ELLA. Im sorry you feel stunted by a bouncy, orange toy.
BEAU. Youre like all disdainful of the Bing Boing. But that toy, that
toy brings joy to a lot of kids and thats something. I mean, yeah.
ELLA. Yeah, then, yeah it bounces joy into a lot of lives.
BEAU. I meanyou should read some of the letters I get from kids
and Moms toothis one Mom said the Bing Boing changed her life.
Before she got it for her kid all he would do is sit on her lap and he
would scream if she had to like even peeso
78
Cusi Cram
ELLA. Sowhat?
BEAU. Lets be honest whos paying your rent? Bing and Boing.
ELLA. I told you as soon as I finish the memoir the rest of my advance
is yours.
BEAU. I dont care about the money.
ELLA. I do. And dont even say it.
BEAU. What?
ELLA. How Im not that different from you. My memoir is all about
my Mom who banged the last thirty years of rock and roll. I know, I
know, I know, were all just parasites obsessed with shoes and fame.
Were Americans.
BEAU. Youre not making sense, Ella.
ELLA. At dinner we talked about Korean steak joints, and the best
place to get a French pedicure and money and then some more
about money and how we didnt really have enough money to buy
the shoes and the apartments that we really want, but that one day
when the right people die and the big breaks come we will, we will
have enough money to have more and better things. We forgot to
talk about the world, Beau. We didnt mention the heartbreaking,
mindbending things that are going on in the world.
(The incomprehensible drone of a PA system. It goes on for a long
time and then stops suddenly with a crackle. ELLA jumps to her
feet. She yells in the direction of the PA system.)
ELLA. OK. OK. That just was not good enough for me. NOT GOOD
ENOUGH! We have computer guided cruise missiles but you cant
figure out how to transmit information in some sort of comprehensible way on the fucking 2 train? Can you hear me? When I speak is
it in gibberish?
(BEAU gets up and sits ELLA down.)
ELLA. I mean what if I spoke in gibberish, how long before they
would lock me up? Maybe Ill try it as an experiment and then write
a FUCKING letter to the MTA.
BEAU. Head between your knees.
ELLA. And I miss tokens.
BEAU. Head between your knees, Ella.
ELLA. Why change something that works? Why not change something that absolutely doesnt.
A Moment Defined
79
(BEAU forces ELLAs head between her knees. ELLA pops her
head up.)
ELLA. Tokens worked.
(BEAU pushes her head down again.)
BEAU. And take those deep yoga belly breaths.
ELLA. Fuck you.
(ELLA takes a few deep breaths. ELLA rises on deep exhale.)
ELLA. Beatrice said I needed more sex in my memoir.
BEAU. So this is all about your book?
ELLA. Beatrice said that I was writing a small book. She said she
knew that they had paid me for a small book, but that everybody
was hoping that I would write a bigger book for a small book price.
BEAU. What does bigger mean?
ELLA. More cocks, more blow jobs, maybe a threesome?
BEAU. Your editor said that?
ELLA. Yes.
BEAU. No she didnt.
ELLA. Not exactly in those words.
BEAU. What were her words, exactly Ella?
ELLA. Intimate details about sex with famous people sells books,
Ella. Why not write a book that sells, Ella. Your mother is dead, after
all, Ella.
BEAU. What did you say?
ELLA. I nodded my head. I was like one of those car ornaments that
cant stop nodding. I think I was still nodding when I left the building. I nodded down Third Avenue and thought something is not
right. I mean, I saw my Mom kiss Mick Jaeger and a Beachboy, that
one who didnt die, but its not like we had a family bed or anything
and I think its detrimental to even imagine your motherI mean,
what is this FUCKING world all about?
BEAU. You dont have to write that kind of book, Baby. I completely
understand why youre angry. Ill get my lawyer to call her.
ELLA. You dont have a lawyer, your father has a lawyer. And I am
the opposite of angry, Beau. I am focused.
BEAU. You seem angry.
80
Cusi Cram
ELLA. After the meeting, I couldnt decide if I wanted a hamburger

or a cocktail. Then I saw the U.N.
BEAU. The U.N.?
ELLA. I thought maybe there was this really great dining room
there where all the delegates go and have cocktails and hamburgers when things get really bad, like when the whole world is falling
apart maybe there is a place that they go and find some comfort.
BEAU. Is there?
ELLA. Yes, but non-Ambassadors arent allowed. Theres another
cafeteria for visitors, but they dont have cocktails.
BEAU. Bummer.
(The train starts to move again.)
ELLA. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Did the train
just start moving again?
BEAU. Yeah.
ELLA. FYI, wherever we stop next I am so getting off. I went on a
tour of the U.N. The tour was in French, so I didnt really understand
it all, but it was soso
BEAU. What? What was it?
ELLA. Defining.
BEAU. Defining?
ELLA. Havent you been waiting, waiting for that particular moment, that ding, that sudden knowledge that nothing will ever be
the same again?
BEAU. No.
ELLA. ButwaitI mean that cant possibly be true.
BEAU. I like my life. I like my friends. Most of the time, I like you.
ELLA. But dont you feel amorphous, like jello in a dish or likelike
eggs before you fry them, like
BEAU. I dont feel wobbly or shapeless. I feel solid.
ELLA. Wow. You feel solid? How can you possibly feel solid?
BEAU. I just do. Tell me what happened at the U.N., Ella.
ELLA. I was just struck, struck by the fact that every day people
from like Guyana and Laos come to work at the U.N. and they sit
behind their little plaques with their countrys name on it and listen
A Moment Defined
81
to simultaneous translation on their little head sets and try to make

the world a better place.
BEAU. I would say that they fail to make the world a better place,
thats what theyre doing there, failing.
ELLA. Exactly. But in spite of that, they still keep trying. They show
up for work with their bad briefcases filled with documents they
probably dont understand and they try. Isnt that somehow beautiful?
BEAU. Do you want to work at the U.N., Ella?
ELLA. I just want to let this moment, this time, this chaotic point in
history affect me. I want to think that there is something I can do
that is hopeful. (Beat.) I dont want to write my memoir.
BEAU. Dont, then.
ELLA. Lets make a pact right here in this crummy, hellhole, to be
different, to believe that we can change the world a little bit, even if
we cant.
BEAU. Yeah, uh. Wowee
ELLA. Simultaneous translation please, Beau.
BEAU. You figure out your stuff, Ella. Ill figure out mine. I help the
world in my own way.
ELLA. By marketing the Bing Boing?
BEAU. Toys dont hurt people. I feel like if youre not like actively
hurting people, youre living an OK life.
ELLA. And OK is enough?
BEAU. Yeah. Sue me, I want to enjoy dinner with my friends and
enjoy their shoes and their stupid jokes and I dont knowI cant
Im notIm not a dweller.
ELLA. And I am?
BEAU. Im just not capable of being miserable about stuff I cant control.
ELLA. But I want you to be miserable.
BEAU. Sometimes I think you really do. And that scares me more
than anything going on in the world.
ELLA. I just want you to feel what Im feeling.
BEAU. Really pro-United Nations?
ELLA. Moved.
BEAU. Im moved.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
The Mulligan
by Scott Organ
83
Cast of Characters
BILL
EDDIE
Acknowledgments
The Mulligan had its World Premiere in the Atlantic Theater Companys 453 New Works Series, directed by James Pinkowski with the
following cast:
EDDIE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Dowling
BILL. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Scott Organ
84
The Mulligan
by Scott Organ
(A bar. A table. BILL sits at the table with a beer. Nearby, EDDIE
stands with a beer. Theyre not together. They drink. BILL sees
EDDIE standing.)
BILL. Have a seat.
EDDIE. No thanks.
BILL. No, no I mean it.
EDDIE. You mean it?
BILL. Yeah. You know. Im not just saying it.
EDDIE. Thanks. Yeah. Okay.
(EDDIE sits.)
EDDIE. Dogs are barking.
BILL. What?
EDDIE. My dogs.
BILL. Oh. Okay. Right.
EDDIE. My feet.
BILL. No. I know.
EDDIE. You know?
BILL. Yeah.
EDDIE. Because you looked like you didnt.
BILL. Okay. You caught me. I didnt. I was being polite.
EDDIE. Busted.
BILL. Yep.
EDDIE. Hey. No harm, no foul.
BILL. Okay.
EDDIE. Life is hard enough as is, you know
BILL. You got that right.
EDDIE. Without having to interpret some guys vernacular
BILL. YeahI have no idea what youre talking about.
EDDIE. Heynow thats more like it.
(Pause. They drink.)
85
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Scott Organ
EDDIE. Place is busy today.

BILL. Yep.
EDDIE. And how many people do you think are going back to
work? A couple drinks for lunch and back to work.
BILL. I dont know.
EDDIE. I am. Are you?
BILL. Got the day off.
EDDIE. Not me. Not me. Its back to work. So I have a couple beers,
whos the wiser?
BILL. Yeah. I dont know.
EDDIE. As long as I get my job done, right? What do you do?
BILL. Im out of work right now.
EDDIE. Oh. Well that blows.
BILL. Yeah.
EDDIE. I been there.
BILL. It does blow. It blows.
EDDIE. No, I know. And of course you got your wife on your back,
right?
BILL. How do you know Im married?
EDDIE. How do I know?
BILL. You couldnt see the ring
EDDIE. Married men look a certain way.
BILL. They do?
EDDIE. Yes, they do. Here. What about me?
BILL. What about you?
EDDIE. Am I married you think?
BILL. I dont know. Yeah?
EDDIE. You see? Because thats absolutely correct. We have a certain look.
BILL. What look?
EDDIE. A certain I know my place look. Were retired, you know.
From the game of trying to get laid. Weve got the look of retired ball
players. We loved the game, had our day, but now we just sit around
with other retired ball players and talk about the good ole days
The Mulligan
87
And our wives, theyre kind of like the car dealership we open after
retiring. We love it, put our time into it, it is, in fact, our lives. But
get a couple beers in us, what we fantasize about is not the day we
started selling Subarus. No. We fantasize about being back in the
game. So maybe we get a girl on the side, you know?
BILL. I love my wife.
EDDIE. Good. Thats good. I love mine too.
BILL. My wife is not the problem.
EDDIE. Wish I could say the same.
BILL. Yeah, well
EDDIE. But thats the thing
BILL. What?
EDDIE. You know. Look. I love my wife too. But love has no bearing
on problems, you know?
BILL. Yeah, I guess so.
EDDIE. Sure, you know, love, love, love, everybodys got that going
on, but what about the bills, you know?
BILL. Yeah. I know. I know.
EDDIE. Sure. I absolutely love my wife. But that doesnt necessarily
make things easier.
BILL. No, youre right.
EDDIE. Its hard no matter what.
BILL. You got that right.
EDDIE. Love dont pay the bills.
BILL. Yes, Ive noticed that.
EDDIE. My wife, God bless her, she, uhh, you knowyou do what
you gotta do at work. I work a lot.
BILL. Yeah?
EDDIE. And she does, too. But I guess I work all the time. And I lost
a lot of money in the stock market, you know?
BILL. Yeah, I never had that problem.
EDDIE. They say if you cant afford to lose it, dont put it in. But, you
know, I thought I was gonna get rich. But, then again, Im not the
sharpest knife in the drawer. Whats your name?
BILL. Bill.
88
Scott Organ
EDDIE. Mines Eddie. I lost a lot of money, Bill. So I work a lot. You
know, and my wife is cheating on me
BILL. Im sorry.
EDDIE. Yeah.
BILL. You know this for a fact?
EDDIE. Yeah. She doesnt know I know. But I do. An interesting
thing, Bill.
BILL. Yeah?
EDDIE. All the evidence is there.
BILL. What do you mean?
EDDIE. The little crimes people commit. An affair. Whatever. People wear that shit like a neon sign on their foreheads. Its just that
most of us prefer the safety of delusion, so we just dont see it. But its
right smack there in front of us. Its just too painful to acknowledge.
So most of us choose not to see it. But its there.
BILL. Well. Im sorry.
EDDIE. Ah, you know I work hard at my job, I like it, I like to do
well at it, and also so my wife and I can be secure, you know? And
I guess she gets lonely and starts banging the physics teacher at the
school where she works. Lifes funny that way.
BILL. Yeah, it is.
EDDIE. A guy just tries to do the right thing.
BILL. Yeah, no. Thats true.
EDDIE. But, uh, sometimes, what is the right thing, you know?
BILL. No. I know.
EDDIE. Life is frickin funny like that. Cracks me up sometimes.
BILL. I been out of work for 6 months.
EDDIE. No shit?
BILL. Yeah. My wife still has her job, shes a secretary. But I was the
one who made most of the money.
EDDIE. Six months. Jesus. So meanwhile your self esteem is taking
a pounding.
BILL. Yeah, it is.
EDDIE. And, you know, whos the guy she fell in love with?
BILL. Yeah, thats right. Shes asking
The Mulligan
89
EDDIE. Youre asking

BILL. Right. Right. Where is that guy?
EDDIE. And it gets so big. Am I still in love, did we just fail, all
that shit.
BILL. And our house burned down.
EDDIE. It did?
BILL. Yeah. It burned to the ground. Everything burned down.
EDDIE. Oh, man. Im sorry.
BILL. And how are you supposed to maintain a marriage when you
begin to feel that youre just this piece of shit. And who deserves who?
And then if youre not careful it gets to I just need somebody to pay
me some attention. You know? And whos to blame? Anybody?
EDDIE. My wife and the physics teacher. She did the deed, you
know. But I guess I opened the door.
BILL. Well
EDDIE. No, youre right. We need to be responsible.
BILL. I dont want to lose my wife.
EDDIE. Of course you dont. You would do just about anything to
prevent it, wouldnt you?
BILL. Thats right. I would.
EDDIE. No. I dont want to lose my wife either.
BILL. Of course.
EDDIE. Dont you wish life had time outs?
BILL. Yeah.
EDDIE. You know, time out, folks. Everybody freezes or something. Take a nap, gather your chi or something. Whatever.
BILL. Would be nice.
EDDIE. Or if life had mulligans.
BILL. Mulligans?
EDDIE. You know, in golf. You get to replay one hit.
BILL. Oh.
EDDIE. You know, hey folks, I call do-over.
BILL. Yeah.
90
Scott Organ
EDDIE. You fuck up the project at work. Or you didnt try hard
enough to get that girls number 6 years ago. You know?
BILL. I wouldnt mind that.
EDDIE. But youre not drinking your days away, are you?
BILL. Oh, no. No. Im, uh, Ive got this meeting with the insurance
company. No. I just had to get out of the motel. And Im early for the
meeting. So I came here.
EDDIE. Thats good. The booze is not gonna do the trick.
BILL. No. I go out. I look for work. And, uh, its not as easy as it used
to be.
EDDIE. No. I guess not.
BILL. My wife and I. We dont talk.
EDDIE. No?
BILL. No. I think we both want to, but we dont. Isnt that bizarre?
EDDIE. I dont know.
BILL. In the same room there. At nights. For hours.
EDDIE. Doesnt sound like things are too good right now.
BILL. No. No, theyre not.
EDDIE. Im sorry.
BILL. Yeah, theyre not so good.
EDDIE. A mulligan would be nice right about now, wouldnt it?
BILL. Yeah, it would.
EDDIE. What would it be?
BILL. What would I do over?
EDDIE. Yeah.
BILL. I dont know.
EDDIE. Because remember what I was saying before, and youve
got this big blinking neon sign on your forehead.
BILL. I do?
EDDIE. Yeah, you do.
BILL. You can see that?
EDDIE. Yeah, I can. I can see it.
BILL. I guess I do.
The Mulligan
91
EDDIE. Hey, man. Youre a good guy. I can see that about you. I can
see that about people.
BILL. You see that about me?
EDDIE. Yeah, I do.
BILL. Because Im not. Not really, Eddie. Not really.
EDDIE. You can be a good guy, partner, and still do the occasional
bad thing. It doesnt take it all away.
BILL. It doesnt?
EDDIE. No way, man. No way. Theres bigger things which persevere.
BILL. No. I dont know. I dont know.
EDDIE. Im telling you whats true.
BILL. Laura just, uh, wont look at me.
EDDIE. Uh-huh.
BILL. I never thought my life would go this way.
EDDIE. No. We never do.
BILL. I love her.
EDDIE. I know you do.
BILL. And I talked her into it.
EDDIE. You talked her into it?
BILL. I did, yeah. I did. I thought we could start over.
EDDIE. Uh-huh. What did you do?
BILL. What did I do?
EDDIE. Yeah. What was it?
BILL. Are you a cop?
EDDIE. No.
BILL. I cant say.
EDDIE. But I know you want to. I know you do. I see it plain as day.
BILL. You do?
EDDIE. Plain as day, my friend. We all want to confess. We do. Why?
To feel better. To start again. To be straight with the world. And here
I am. Here I am. A couple of strangers in a fern bar. And you stand in
your kitchen there, and theres a little quiet part of you that just wants
to talk to your wife. But you dont. Why? And you sit here with me.
And you want to tell me something. But you dont. Why? Because the
92
Scott Organ
whole world will change once again. The whole world will change.
And thats terrifying. But let me ask you something, Bill
BILL. What?
EDDIE. Do you want the world to stay the same? Do you?
(Pause.)
BILL. I burned my house down.
EDDIE. You burned your house down?
BILL. Thats right.
EDDIE. Why did you do that?
BILL. I took my grandfathers gun collection outa few other things
of value. I took them out of the house. Its all insured.
EDDIE. For the money.
BILL. The money? No. For my wife. For us. So I dont have to feel like
the sack of shit that I do
EDDIE. Okay. Okay.
BILL. Okay?
EDDIE. Youre not a sack of shit.
BILL. No?
EDDIE. No. Do you feel better?
BILL. I dont know. I guess.
EDDIE. You will.
BILL. I will?
EDDIE. I guarantee it. You take my word on that. Maybe not today.
Maybe not in 2 months, but you will.
BILL. How is it you knew I had something eating me up like that?
EDDIE. Like I said, I can just see these things.
BILL. But youre not a cop.
EDDIE. No.
BILL. What are you?
EDDIE. Im an insurance investigator.
BILL. Youre an insurance investigator.
EDDIE. Yeah.
(Pause.)
The Mulligan
93
BILL. Where?
EDDIE. Eastern. Across the street. I work for Eastern.
(Long pause.)
Im just doing my job, Bill.
BILL. Fuck you.
EDDIE. You asked me to sit down. You asked me. Im here on lunch.
Im having a beer and you invite me over.
BILL. Fuck. You.
EDDIE. I wasnt trying to trick you.
BILL. No?
EDDIE. No. I was trying to help you.
BILL. Youre trying to help me?
EDDIE. Thats right. I can see what it is people need, you know?
Like I said. I saw you, Bill. And you wanted to talk. You needed to.
BILL. Youre enjoying this.
EDDIE. No. No, Im not. I dont enjoy busting you. Some people,
yeah. Not you.
BILL. Not me?
EDDIE. You know, theres very few reasons why people decide to
break the rules like this. And all of them fall under the auspices of
money of course. People do it for drugs, people do it for the girl
they got on the side. And theres the rare person who does it for his
family, you know. Its all the same crime, of course, but
BILL. What are you going to do?
EDDIE. Im going to do my job. Im going to do my job. The wife
is banging Mr. Physics, the least I could do, is do my job, dont you
think?
(Pause.)
Yeah. I dont think youre a sack of shit.
BILL. Yeah. Gee, thanks.
EDDIE. This is what you wanted, Bill. You made this. And itll be
better in the long run
(Pause.)
BILL. You asked me about my one do-over?
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
The Perfect Guy

by Mary Gallagher
95
Cast of Characters
TINA
KITTY
DAN
All the characters are in their late 30s.
Time
Early fall, 2008. Shortly after dinner.
Place
A hallway or pantry at Tina and Binkys place, with something to
put stuff on and something to perch or lean on.
96
The Perfect Guy

by Mary Gallagher
(TINA [with her unseen husband Binky] is entertaining KITTY

and DAN, who have never met before.)
(Footsteps are heard, two pairs of high heels. TINA enters, followed by KITTY, both carrying dinner dishes, which they plunk
down as they talk.)
TINA. So wadaya think?
KITTY. So far, hes fine
TINA. I think he is perfect!
KITTY. Hes great-looking, thats for sure
TINA. My God, Kitty, Im drooling! And smart, hes like Joe Genius
at the law firm, Binky says
KITTY. He seems like hes bright, hes read a book lately, at least
TINA. He reads like a maniac. Like at the office, Binky says everybodys talking about who would want to try out for Survivor: The
Galapagos, and Dan is like, You know I was reading this book last
night, and everyone goes, Oh, uh-huh. But I mean, you love that.
KITTY. And hes funny too. I mean I think hes said a lot of funny
things tonight
TINA. Are you kidding? God, he is hysterical! He gets Binks laughing on the phone, like Binks cant stop, like with tears
KITTY. And he offered to help clear the table.
TINA. That, I could not believe.
KITTY. Of course, he is a guest
TINA. But still. They wont, you know?
KITTY. Its like the last bastion, the Alamo
TINA. Or even if they did it for some brief exciting era, now its over.
You get up, you pick up a plate, and they dig in, they get this look,
this rigid look
KITTY. Sort of daunted, but entrenched
TINA. And they start talking sports.
KITTY. Or corporate talk. To the best of my knowledge, Fred.
97
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Mary Gallagher
TINA. Right! Right! Thats the best thing about Binky being Binky.
When people start that crap with him, it just doesnt cut it. To the
best of my knowledge, Binky
(They start giggling. They lean on each other, giggling. DAN enters.)
DAN. Hey.
TINA. Hey.
KITTY. Hey.
DAN. You guys are having a good time in here. Binks and I are
missing it. We feel ripped off. We feel we should express that.
KITTY. And were glad you did.
(He keeps looking at her for a beat. There is clearly a strong mutual
attraction. Then:)
DAN. Also, Binky sent me to inquire, I quote, What is the coffee
situation?
TINA. Its working, tell him. Whats he think this is, the Dog n Suds?
DAN. Uh
TINA. Hes the one that bought the espresso-maker, so hes gotta
learn to wait. Tell him to pretend hes in, you know, whatsit
KITTY/DAN. Tuscany.
TINA. Tuscany.
DAN. How bout if I tell him its almost ready?
KITTY. To the best of my knowledge, Binky.
DAN. (Grins:) Just an estimate, based on available datawell
crunch more numbers, Binks.
(DAN exits. They listen for a beat till hes gone.)
(Then TINA pokes KITTY.)
TINA. (About the vibes:) WOO!
KITTY. Yeah. Its great. So far.
TINA. What is this so far? There is no hidden horror. Trust me. I
told you, I looked into him. Not only is he not attached, he has the
perfect history. He was married once, so hes not afraid of commitment. But they were really young and it just didnt work out. But
theyre still friends, he even plays squash with her new husband,
so clearly hes not bitter. But, theyve been divorced for years, and
hes dated a lot and lived with two other women, so hes not hung
up on her. No kids, so there is no issue of maybe his kids will hate
The Perfect Guy
99
you. But he has a niece that he adores, so hes not opposed to kids.
Plus he doesnt smoke, he drinks like just enough, he gets loose but
not sloppy, and hell smoke some dope if someone passes it around,
but he doesnt buy dope, and even when he smokes it, he never turns
into an asshole. I mean, if you dont take him, take Binky and Ill
take him!
KITTY. I really am attracted to him
TINA. Tell me about it! Its likea force!
KITTY. Yeah?
TINA. Yeah! Also you keep grinning.
KITTY. I do? Oh God
TINA. You both do. Me and Binky feel left out.
KITTY. God, how embarrassing
TINA. So whats the hold-up?
KITTY. (Beat, then:) Youre gonna get pissed off.
TINA. I might, Ill tell ya. I oughta get anointed Queen for coming
up with him. Or Pope. Cause do you know whats out there?
KITTY. I know, I know, believe me Okay. Look at the evidence.
Hes a corporate lawyer. He makes a lot of money.
TINA. Its not that great, he makes like what Binky makes
KITTY. Compared to say the average income of the average working
TINA. Okay, okay, right
KITTY. He drives a BMW. He went to Fiji on vacation. He makes
jokes that he lost half his investments in the meltdown, but he says
hes not worried yet! And he owns a condo and a small apartment
building!
TINA. So? What are you afraid of?
KITTY. Who do you think he votes for?
TINA. (Stopped; then stalls for time:) Huh?
KITTY. I knew it!
TINA. No no, wait, hold on
KITTY. God, its all so depressing
TINA. No, wait a minute, we dont know
KITTY. You know, you know in your heart
100
Mary Gallagher
TINA. I dont! You never know. Binkys just the same as Dan, hes
practically a clone of Dan, and Binky never votes for them
KITTY. Only because you tell him if he votes for them, he wont get
laid for four more years.
TINA. He wouldnt do it anyway. Sometimes, yeah, he talks the talk,
just to get me all wound up, but once inside the booth, you know
KITTY. This is denial, Tina.
TINA. No! Even when Reagan died, the Great Communicator and
the state funeral and all, and everyone kept saying, Ronald Reagan made us feel good about ourselves again, and then theyd play
these sound bites from his speeches? And Binky said, Tina, listen
to his voice, he sounds like a child molester.
(Doing creepy Reagan:)
Come with me, little girl, its morning in America
KITTY. Yeah, yeahwe can all sneer and laugh at them, but do
you think they care? They sell yo-yos in the gift shop of the Ronald
Reagan Presidential Library, yo-yos with Ronald Reagans name on
them, thats how much they care.
TINA. All Im saying is, Binky doesnt vote for them.
KITTY. Its how Dan votes that worries me!
TINA. Well, I dont think its fair. For you to justassume
KITTY. I bet Binky knows.
TINA. (Lying:) I dont think they talk politics.
KITTY. Get Binky and Ill ask him.
TINA. Oh, great, thats great! Why dont you just ask Dan? Go ahead,
just (Throws up hands.)
KITTY. (Bleakly:) Because if he votes for them, Ill cry, or puke, or
something
TINA. (Beat; then, gently:) Look. Why dont you wait. You know? Enjoy it for a while. You guys could have so much fun. And he could be
the greatest lover in America. Dont ruin it before you even
KITTY. No, I cant face falling for him, getting suckered in, but all
the time suspecting, probing, and then finding out! No. Id rather
end it now. One clean
(Chopping motion.)
Ill go back in, Ill ask him.
The Perfect Guy
101
(KITTY turns to exit. TINA grabs her.)

TINA. Now, damnit, Kitty! This is really self-destructive. I dont
think you want to have a good relationship. Or even a good time!
I thinkI think, and I am serious, you are avoiding real live men
KITTY. No! There are certain thingsprinciples, gut instincts, call
them what you willthat every person has to cling to. Thats what
makes us who we are. I would not ask you to give up the deepest
convictions that you have
TINA. (Annoyed:) Name one!
KITTY. and you would not want me to throw away my most dearlyheld beliefs
TINA. I want you to have a nice man in your life! I want you to be
happy!
KITTY. Yeah, I know. And I want that too, I do! But I cant stand
the way this country has been going, and I have to do everything I
can to make it change. So Im not having sex with anyone who votes
for them.
TINA. (Beat, then, flatly:) Youre talking about every man who makes
real money
KITTY. No Im not!
TINA. Well, the vast majority
KITTY. No, no, in 2000, Bush didnt even win! He sneaked in the
back door only because his brothers flunkies blinded senior citizens
and wouldnt let black people vote! And then the Supreme Court
the Supreme Court!chickened out!
TINA. Oh God, here we go
KITTY. And in 2004, they lied and stole their way back in again. Not
to mention people who stopped voting years ago because they were
too weak and wasted, drained, from all those years of rage to drag
their bodies to the polls!
TINA. Whoa, whoa, you just skipped eight years. Clinton was one
of ours, and the guy would screw a cantaloupe.
KITTY. Clinton broke our hearts, but getting blowjobs at the office
is not the same as screwing everybody but the rich. Look what happened when we got stuck with George the Worst! EVERYTHING
THATS TERRIBLE! And it will take us years to get out of this huge
mess!
TINA. Dont ask Dan tonight, okay? We dont need a bloodbath here.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
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www.playscripts.com

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Great Short Plays: Volume 9 (1st ed. - 09.12.

The Rules in Brief

toll-free phone: 1-866-New-Play

Just a few years. Just a tour or two.

Alien Monster Bowling League

Alien Monster Bowling League

(A bowling alley in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The sound of balls

HUBBARD. I hate them.

Alien Monster Bowling League

SALLY. No ones looking.

NELSON. Well isnt that just sweet?

Alien Monster Bowling League

HUBBARD. Considering Ive been playing it about a hundred years

PHILLIP. Well, you know, a charter member, if Hes there. Box

FISHER. There is another just down there.

position, nothing to do with my performance. Her lie exactly. They

MARIA. It will be on a beautiful day in a beautiful place. You could

Chester, Who Painted

for my grandfathers, and your grandfathers, too

Chester, Who Painted the World Purple

(Lights up on YENNIFER, who speaks to us directly.)

ANNOUNCER. (Offstage:) Ball one!

Chester, Who Painted the World Purple

(CHESTER looks at the bowl, then back at his grandfather.)

ABUELO. This broken? This need batteries?

Chester, Who Painted the World Purple

(The STORE CLERK exits. CHESTER mimes PAINTING

Chester, Who Painted the World Purple

ANNOUNCER. (Offstage:) Top of the ninth inning, folks!

A Few More Dumb Propositions

A Few More Dumb Propositions

(INT. A BLANK STAGEDAY.)

GAY 1. Get married?

LEZ 1. Hey, hun?

LEZ 1. Say, hun?

A Few More Dumb Propositions

GAY 2. I dont love her.

A Few More Dumb Propositions

GAY 2. But I love my gay.

The Last Hat

Special thanks to Elizabeth C. Lay

The Last Hat

by Kyle John Schmidt

Kyle John Schmidt

MOLLY PARSONS. I wont take your Uncle George for instance!

The Last Hat

MR. WILSHIRE. Wait, theres a problem! I have a problem! (To

Kyle John Schmidt

MOLLY PARSONS. You say what you have to say.

The Last Hat

MOLLY PARSONS. Two more millimeters.

Kyle John Schmidt

MOLLY PARSONS. Youre right. Chances to speak are overgrown

The Last Hat

MOLLY PARSONS. Peter!

ELLA. After the meeting, I couldnt decide if I wanted a hamburger

to simultaneous translation on their little head sets and try to make

EDDIE. Place is busy today.

EDDIE. Youre asking

The Perfect Guy

The Perfect Guy

(TINA [with her unseen husband Binky] is entertaining KITTY

The Perfect Guy