http://www.focusonthefamily.

com/parenting/schoolage
children/talkingaboutsexandpuberty/talkingaboutsex
andpuberty

Fordecades,moviesandsitcomshavepresentedacaricature
ofthesweatypalmed,birdsandbeesconversationinwhich
Dadstammersthroughaconvoluteddescriptionofsextoa
preadolescentchildwho,itturnsout,knowsallofthe
detailsalready.Thehumorarisesfromthetensionmost
parentsfeelaboutdiscussingsexwiththeirkids.("What
ifwetellhimtoomuch?""Willthisrobhimofhis
innocence?""Whatifhestartsaskingaboutwhatwedo?")
Whatisn'tsofunnyistherealitythattoomanychildren
learnaboutsexfromeveryonebuttheirparents.Playground
slangandobscenity,adistorteddescriptionofintercourse
fromthetoughkidupthestreet,orworstofall,alook
atsomepornographicmaterialoncableTVortheInternet
oftenprovidesachild'sfirstjarringglimpseofsex.What
shouldbeseenasthemostbeautiful,meaningfuland
privatecommunicationbetweenamarriedcouplebecomesa
freakshowcuriosity."MomandDaddidthat?Morethan
once?!"
Effortsbypublicschoolstocorrectmisinformationfrom
thestreetandlackofinformationfromhomeoftenleave
outacriticalingredient:themoralframeworkwithinwhich
thefactsaboutreproductionshouldbepresented.Without
anethicalcontext,sexeducationbecomeslittlemorethan
basictraininginanatomy,physiology,infectiousdiseases
andcontraception.
Manychurcheshavemadelaudableeffortstoteachbiblical
principlesofsexualitytotheiryouthgroups.Butthese
importantconceptsarenotalwaysaccompaniedbyaccurate
medicalinformationorrefusalskills.Furthermore,youth
grouppresentationsusuallybeginlateinthegame(i.e.,
duringtheteenyears)andrarelyinvolveanongoing
dialogueaboutthissubject.(Kidsdon'tabsorbaccurate

medica
Thebestplaceforachildtolearnaboutsexualityisat
homefromthosewhocaremostabouthim.Anyonecanteach
thebasicfactsaboutreproductioninanhourortwo(or
theycanbereadinanyofseveralreferencebooks),but
youareinthebestpositiontoputthisinformationinthe
propercontextandgiveittherightperspectiveovera
periodofyears.Therearenocutanddriedformulasfor
carryingoutthisassignment,butkeepthefollowing
principlesinmind:
Givingachildfactsaboutreproduction,includingdetails
aboutintercourse,doesnotrobhimofinnocence.Innocence
isafunctionofattitude,notinformation.Aschoolage
childwhounderstandsthespecificsofsex,whileseeingit
asanactthat,inthepropercontext,bothexpresseslove
andbeginsnewlife,retainshisinnocence.Butachildwho
knowsverylittleaboutsexcanalreadyhaveacorrupt
mindsetifhehasbeenexposedtoitinadegrading,
mockingorabusivecontext.
Ifyoufeelsqueamishorinhibitedaboutbroachingthis
subjectwithyourchild,reflectforamomentaboutyour
ownattitudes.Doyouharboranyfeelingsthatsexual
activity,evenwithinthecontextofmarriage,issomehow
baseorsomethingthatGodreallydoesn'tapproveof?If
yourealizethatthisisanissueforyou,some
conversationswithyourpastor,acounselororbothmaybe
inorder.Hopefullythesediscussions,andperhapsa
readingoftheSongofSolomonandotherBiblepassages,
willalleviateanyuneasinessyoumightharborregarding
God'sattitudetowardsexuality.Booksthatarereliable,
informativeandhonoringtosex,marriageandtheCreator
ofbothcanalsobeveryhelpful.TwogoodexamplesareThe
GiftofSex:AGuidetoSexualFulfillmentbyDr.Clifford
andJoycePennerandIntendedforPleasurebyDr.Edand

GayeWheat.Butformanypeopleuneasinessaboutsexmaybe
rootedinlifeexperiences,especiallyiftheyinvolve
sexualabuseexperiencedduringchildhood,adolescenceor
evenadulthood.Itisnevertoolatetoaddresssuchissues
withanindividualwhohastrainingandexperienceinthis
areaandcanhelpyouworktowardhealing.
Don'twaittotellyourchildeverythingyouknowaboutsex

duringasingle,intensemarathonsession.Doingsorisks
eitherwaitinguntilit'stoolateordumpingmoreinthe
child'slapthanhecanprocess.Instead,information
shouldbereleasedgraduallyduringmanyconversationsover
aperiodofseveralyears.(Thesameprincipleappliesto
anyotherareaoflifefaith,values,responsibilities,
relationships,handlingmoneyandsooninwhichyou
intendtoofferguidancetoyourchild.Thesesubjectsare
tooimportanttobeconfinedtoasingleconversation.)
Inmanyinstances,youwillbegivinginformationona
needtoknowbasis.Yourfiveyearoldisprobablygoingto
wanttoknowhowthebabyinsideAuntSusieisgoingtoget
out.Butyourchildmaynotthinktoaskhowthebabygot
there,andyoudon'tneedtobroachthesubjectatthat
time.Ontheotherhand,ifyouhaven'tyethadany
discussionsaboutreproductionwithyourtenyearold,you
willneedtotaketheinitiativetostartsome
conversations.Shehasalreadyheardallsortsofthingson
theplaygroundandneedstohearfrommorereputableand
maturesources.
Whatifyourchildasksyouquestionsyoucan'tanswer?Be
honest,andthendosomeresearch.Yougainfarmore
statureinyourchild'seyesbyshowingcandorthanby
bluffing.Youmaynothaveadetailedknowledgeofthe
intricaciesofthemenstrualcycleorthedevelopmental

stagesofpuberty,butyou'renevertoooldtolearn.

HowCanIStartTalkingtomyKidsAboutSexuality?
Everydaylifeprovideslotsofopportunitiesfortalking
aboutsexuality.WhenwatchingaTVshowthatshowsayoung
persongoingthroughpubertyorgoingoutonadate,seeing
anadthatpromptsthoughtsaboutbodyacceptance,or
runningintoapregnantneighbor,wecanusethatto
initiateconversationswithourchildren.Theseteachable
momentsoccureveryday,andcanhelpmaketheconversation
easierandmorenatural.
Seemoreat:
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/parents/talkingtokids
aboutsexandsexuality#sthash.MyIyD85M.dpuf
WhenShouldIStartTalkingtomyKidsAboutSexuality?
Seemoreat:
Someofusplanthetalkformonths,expectingtosay
everythingimportantallatonce.Then,whenthetalk
doesntgoasplanned,wegetfrustrated.Buttalkingwith
childrenaboutsexualityisalifelongconversation.Doing
alittlebitatatimehelpssetrealisticgoalswhenwe
talkwithourchildren.Italsohelpskeepchildrenfrom
feelingoverwhelmed.
Itsbesttostarttalkingwithchildrenaboutsexuality
early.Childrenarecuriousabouttheirbodies,beingaboy
orgirl,anddifferentkindsofrelationshipsfromavery
earlyage.Theircuriositycreatesanaturalopportunityto
begintheconversationandstartbuildingarespectfuland
trustingrelationship.Foryoungchildren,youcanstartby

teachingthemthenamesoftheirbodypartsoraskingif
theyknowwhygirlsandboyslookdifferent.
Whenwetalktoourchildrenaboutsex,itsimportantto
keepourconversationageappropriate.Ifafiveyearold
asks,whatisbirth?wemightrespond,whenababycomes
outofamothersbody.Ifa10yearoldasksthesame
question,ouranswerwouldhavemoredetailandmightbegin
with,Afterninemonthsofgrowinginsideitsmothers
uterus,ababycomesoutthroughhervagina
Providingyoungpeoplewithinformationthatisage
appropriatemakesiteasierforthemtounderstandthatsex
isanaturalpartofhumanandemotionaldevelopment.It
alsomakesiteasiertotalkwiththemaboutthemore
complicatedaspectsofsexualintimacyastheygetolder.
Dontworryifyouhaventstartedtalkingwithyour
childrenaboutsexualityyet.Itsnevertoolate.Just
donttrytocatchupallatonce.Themostimportant
thingistobeopenandavailablewheneverachildwantsto
talk.

WhatKindsofThingsShouldITellmyKids?
Itsimportanttogiveourkidstruthful,useful,and
accurateinformationthatconveysourownvaluesaboutsex
andsexuality.Itsalsoimportanttopreparethemtomake
responsiblechoiceswhenevertheybecomesexuallyactive.
Bythetimetheyturn19yearsold,70percentofteens
havehadintercourse.Soinadditiontoconveyingourown
valuesaboutsexualrelationships,itsimportanttotalk
withteensaboutpreventingpregnancyandsexually
transmittedinfections.
Ithelpstothinkaheadoftimeaboutwhatmessageswewant

toexpress.Forexample,acommontopicthatcomesupwith
childrenisthedifferencebetweenboysandgirlsormen
andwomen.Someparentsmightwanttoconveythefeeling
thatboysandgirlsaremostlythesameexceptforsome
bodyparts,andboysandgirlscandothesamethings.
Otherparentsmaywanttoexpressthebeliefthatboysand
girlsarequitedifferentfromoneanotherinmanyways

HowCanIMakeourConversationsMoreComfortable?
Talkingaboutsexualitymaybeuncomfortableatfirst,but
itwillgeteasierintime.Beingopentodiscussing
sexualitycanbechallenging.Itscommonforparentsand
kidstofeelembarrassedoruncomfortablewhentalkingto
oneanotheraboutsex.Owninguptothatcanhelprelieve
thetension.Wemighttrysaying,itstotallynormalthat
thisfeelsawkward,butIloveyouandcareaboutyousowe
needtotalkaboutimportantthingslikethis.Intimeand
withpractice,itwillgeteasier.Thekeyistokeepthe
conversationopenandongoing.
Listeningtochildrenshowsthemthatwereinterestedin
andrespectwhattheyhavetosay.Wedontalwayshaveto
agreewithwhatwehear,butitisimportanttopay
attentiontowhattheysay.
Itcanbetemptingtojumpinandgiveourpointofview,
butifwespendsometimejustlisteningandasking
questions,wehelpourkidslearnhowtoexplaintheir
ideasclearly.Wegettoknoweachotherevenbetter,and
webuildtrustbyshowingwereallycareaboutourkids
thoughtsandfeelings.Wecanshowweunderstandtheir
pointofviewbysayingthingslike,IthinkIseewhere
youarecomingfromorIunderstandwhatyouarefeeling

andIoftenfeltthatwaywhenIwasyourage,too.

HowDoIAnswerMyKid'sQuestionsAboutSexandSexuality?
Ourkidshavevariousreasonsforaskingusquestionsabout
sexandsexuality.Theymightaskoutofcuriosity.They
mayneedhelpmakingadecisionormakingsenseofthe
world.Ortheymayneedtobereassuredthattheyare
normal.Kidsmayalsodisguisetheirrealquestionswith
otherquestions.So,nomatterhowsurprisingtheir
questionsmaybe,kidsalwaysneedhonest,factual
answers.
Herearesometips:
Trytofindoutwhatisreallybeingasked.Whatseems

likeastraightforwardquestionmightnotbe.Tofind
outthetruenatureofthequestion,wemightask,
Whathaveyouheardaboutthat?Whatdoyouthink
aboutthat?orCanyoutellmewhatyoualreadyknow
aboutthat?
Dontanswerwithtoomuchinformation.Wecankeep
answersshortandsimpleandexplainnewwordsthat
ourchildrenmightnothaveheardbefore.Aftergiving
ananswer,wemightencourageourkidstoaskus
followupquestionsbyasking,Isthereanythingelse
youwouldliketoknow?
Checktheirunderstanding.Afteransweringaquestion,
wecanask,Doesthatansweryourquestion?
Someparentsworrythattheywontknowtheanswersto
theirchildrensquestions.Itsperfectlyfinenottoknow
something,ornottohaveanimmediateanswer.Oneofthe
bestwayswecanteachourkidsaboutsexualityistofind
theanswerstogetherandthentalkaboutwhatweve

learned.Seekingoutinformationtogetherinbooks,online,
orbyaskingotherscanhelpbuildarespectfuland
trustingrelationship,aswellasmodelhowourkidscan
seekanswersontheirown.
WhatAreSomeQuestionsPreschoolersAsk?
Preschoolersaskverybasicquestions.Hereareexamplesof
howwemightanswersomeofthem.
Q.Howdobabiesgetinyourtummy?
A.Whenawomanhasababyinhertummy,itiscalleda
pregnancy.Womenhavetinyeggsinaspecialpartoftheir
tummy.Menhaveverytinyseeds.Sometimes,whenamanand
awomanhavesextogether,themanputshispenisinthe
womansvagina.Theycanstartapregnancyifoneofhis
seedscomesouthispenisandjoinswithoneoftheeggsin
herbody.Doyouhaveanyotherquestionsaboutthat?
Q.What'sthat?(pointingtoawoman'sbreast,orother
bodyparts.)
A.That'sabreast.Womenhavebreasts.Mendon't.Would
youliketoknowanythingelseaboutthat?
Q.HowcomeIhaveapenisandyoudon't?
A.Boyshavepenisesandgirlshavevulvas.I'mawomana
girlwhoisallgrownupsoIhaveavulvainsteadofa
penis.Andyou'reaboy,soyouhaveapenisinsteadofa
vulva
WhatAreSomeQuestionsElementarySchoolersAsk?
Hereareafewexamplesofquestionselementaryschoolaged
kidcommonlyaskandsomepossibleanswers:
Q.Isitokaytotouchyourself?
A.Sure,it'sokay.Itfeelsgoodtotouchourselves,but

weshouldonlytouchourselvesinprivate.
Q.HowdopeoplegetAIDS?
A.AIDSiscausedbyatinygermcalledHIV.Thegermhides
inpeoplesblood.Itcanalsohideinthefluidsthatcome
outofmenspenisesandwomensvaginas.Anditcanhide
inawomansbreastmilk.ThatswhypeoplecangetHIV
frompeoplewhohaveitindifferentways.Theycangetit
byhavingsexwiththemorbysharingneedleswiththemto
dodrugs.Babiescangetitfrommotherswhohaveitin
theirmilk.Thegoodthingisthatmostpeoplecanavoid
gettingAIDSbyusingcondomswhentheyhavesex.You
cannotgetAIDSjustbybeingaroundsomeonewhohasit.Is
thereanythingelseyouwanttoknowaboutAIDS?
Q.Doboyshaveperiods?
A.No.Onlywomenhaveperiods.Whatdoyouknowabout
periods?
Q.Whatdoes"gay"mean?
A.Somepeopleareattractedtopeopleofthesamesex.
Theyarecalledgay.Peoplewhoareattractedtopeopleof
theothersexarecalledstraight.Peoplewhoareattracted
tobothsexesarecalledbisexual.Doyouhaveother
questionsaboutthat?
WhatAreSomeQuestionsTeensCommonlyAsk?
Askidsgrowandbecometeenagers,theyaskmorecomplex
questions.Herearesomecommonquestionsthattheyaskand
somepossibleanswers:
Q.Howdoyouknowwhenpubertyisover?
A.Itcanbehardtotell.Somepeopledontexperienceall
thechangesthathappenduringpubertyuntiltheyre20
yearsold.Butitcanendearlierthanthat.Doyouhave

otherquestionsaboutpuberty?
Q.Howbigwillmybreastsget?
A.Itdepends.Breastscomeinallsizes,shapes,and
colors.Andwhenthey'redeveloping,theychangeallthe
time.Breastscanrangefromsmalltoenormous.Whether
yoursarelemonsorgrapefruits,they'renormal.
Q.Isittruethatagirlcan'tgetpregnantthefirsttime
shehassex?
A.No,that'snottrue.Ifyou'rehavingvaginal
intercourseandnotusingcondomsorotherbirthcontrol,
youcangetpregnantwhetherit'sthefirsttimeorthe
onehundredandfirsttime.That'swhymostpeopleuse
birthcontrolthefirsttimetheyhavesex.
Q.What'sthebestbirthcontrolmethod?
A.Differentmethodsofbirthcontrolarebestfor
differentpeople.That'swhyit'simportanttolearnabout
eachmethodofbirthcontrolsoyoucanchoosetheonethat
bestforyou.(Teenswhoarethinkingaboutbirthcontrol
mightfindithelpfultouseMyBirthControl.)
Q.Shouldpeoplehavesexifthey'reinlove?
A.Notnecessarily.Sexisjustonepartofawhole
relationship.It'sjustonewaytoexpresslove.Choosing
tobeinasexualrelationshipisabigdecision.There'sa
lottothinkabout.Andtwopeoplecanloveeachothervery
muchwithouthavingsex.Doyouthinkyoureinlove?
Q.Doesithurttoloseyourvirginity?
A.Somewomenexperiencepainthefirsttimetheyhave
vaginalintercourse.Thatsbecausetheymayhaveahymen
intheopeningoftheirvaginasthatgetsstretchedopen
duringfirstintercourseandmaycausepainandbleeding.
Guysdonothavehymens,sothisisnotanissueforthem.
Doyouhaveotherquestionsaboutvirginity?

WhatElseCanIDoToHelpMyTeenHaveGoodSexualHealth
AndRelationships?
Wecanfollowafewsimpleguidelinesthatwillmaketeens
lesslikelytoengageinriskybehaviorsuchasdrinking,
smoking,havingunprotectedsex,orhavingsexbeforethey
areready.

http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/whentotalktoyour
childaboutsex
ByLouanneColeWeston,PhD
Onenightatdinner,myhusbandaskedourthen6yearold
sonwhathewantedtodoforworkwhenhegrewup.He
replied,"Idon'twanttowork,Ijustwanttobeadad."
MyhusbandandIexchangedsmiles.Then,withoutmissinga
beat,oursoncontinued."ButI'mnotsureIwanttodo
thateither,becausethenyouhavetopeeinyourwife."
HiscommentcamesounexpectedlythatInearlychokedonmy
mashedpotatoes.Onthespot,Ivowedtostepupmyefforts
toprovidesexualinformationformysonwithoutwaiting
forthequestionstobeasked.Iexplainedthatwhile
daddiessometimesdoputafluidinmommies'bodiesinthe
spacebetweentheirlegs,itisnotpee.Itisavery
specialfluidcalledsementhatsometimescancausethe
mommytogrowababyinsideofher.Hesaid,"OK,Mom."

Evenparentswhoarerarelyatalossforwordsstumble

whenit'stimetotalkwiththeirkidsaboutsex.Some
childrenyoucanturnloosewithabook(seesidebar)and
thenfieldtheirinevitablequestions.Otherswillbemore
hesitant.
Here'sanimportanttip:Neveravoida"teachablemoment."
Diveinandofferaccurateinformationwheneveryourchild
sashaysanywherenearthetopicofsex.Don'twaitforthe
pointblankquestiontobeasked.
Keepyouranswerconfinedtowhatisasked.Forexample,
"Mom,howdoesthebabygetoutofyourbody?"Youranswer:
"Throughaspecialopeningbetweenmylegs.That'swhyit's
there."Ifyourchilddidnotaskatthatmomenthowababy
gotinthereinthefirstplace,don'tstartthere.Just
answerthequestionasked.
Object 1

Nameallthebodypartsatanearlystageinyourchild's
languagedevelopment("penis"and"scrotum"forboysand
"clitoris"and"vulva"forgirls).
Parentsoftenask,"Howoldshouldachildbebeforewe
starttalkingaboutsex?"Myansweralwaysis:"Younger
thanyouthink."Here'swhy.Ifyoutalkaboutsexual
mattersfromthebeginningofachild'suseoflanguage,
thereneverneedstobethebig"birdsandbeestalk."It's
justaseriesofsmallconversationsspreadoutovermany
years.You,astheparent,becometheobviousgotoperson
wheneverthere'saquestion.
Ifyoubecomean"askable"parent,youwillhaveoffered
yourchildanincrediblyvaluablegift.

BookSmart
Agoodsexeducationbookcanhelpyoucoverallthetopics
anditoffersaplacetopointyourchildwhenyourun
outofwordsorfeelyourcheeksreddening.Irecommend
thesefirsttwoforkidsandthelastoneforparents:
It'sPerfectlyNormal:ChangingBodies,GrowingUp,Sexand
SexualHealth,byRobieHarris.
It'sSoAmazing:ABookAboutEggs,Sperm,Birth,Babies,
andFamilies,byRobieHarris.
SexandSensibility:TheThinkingParent'sGuidetoTalking
SenseAboutSex,byDeborahRoffman.

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages
stages/preschool/Pages/TalkingtoYourYoungChildAbout
Sex.aspx

TalkingtoYourYoungChildAboutSex

AtwhatageshouldIstarttalkingtomychildaboutsex?
Sexualityispartofeverypersonslife,nomatterwhat
theage.Asyourchildgrowsanddevelops,shemaygiggle
withfriendsabout"privateparts,"share"dirty"jokes,
andscanthroughdictionarieslookinguptaboowords.Her
curiosityisnatural,andchildrenofallageshave
questions.Whensheisreadytoaskyou,asaparentyou
shouldbereadytoanswer.

WheretoBegin
Everydayeventswillgiveyouplentyofchancestoteach
yourchildabouttopicsrelatedtosex.Thesearecalled
teachablemoments.Forexample,talkingaboutbodyparts
duringbathtimewillbemuchmoreeffectivethantalking
aboutbodypartsduringdinner.Apregnancyorbirthinthe
familyisagoodtimetodiscusshowbabiesareconceived
andborn.Watchingtelevisionwithyourchildmayalsobea
goodtimetodiscusssexualityissues.
Teachablemomentscanhappenanywherewhileshopping,at
themovies,orevenatthepark.Usethemwhentheyhappen.
Youwon'tneedtomakeaspeech.First,findoutwhatyour
childalreadyknows.Letyourchildguidethetalkwithher
questions.Somechildrenmaynotaskforinformationif
theythinkyoumightbeuneasywithit.Othersmighttest
youbyaskingembarrassingquestions.Talkopenly,andlet
yourchildknowshecanaskyouaboutanything.
Whenyourchildbeginstoaskquestions,thefollowing
mightmakeiteasierforbothofyou:
Don'tlaughorgiggle,evenifthequestioniscute.
Yourchildshouldn'tbemadetofeelashamedforher
curiosity.
Trynottoappearoverlyembarrassedorseriousabout
thematter.
Bebrief.Don'tgointoalongexplanation.Answerin
simpleterms.Your4yearolddoesn'tneedtoknowthe
detailsofintercourse.
Behonest.Usepropernamesforallbodyparts.
Seeifyourchildwantsorneedstoknowmore.Follow
upyouranswerswith,"Doesthatansweryour
question?"
Listentoyourchild'sresponsesandreactions.

 Bepreparedtorepeatyourself.
Ifyouareuneasytalkingaboutsexoransweringcertain
questions,behonestaboutthattoo.Consideraskinga
relative,closefamilyfriend,oryourpediatriciantohelp
talktoyourchild.
QuestionstoExpect
Thequestionsyourchildasksandtheanswersthatare
appropriatetogivewilldependonyourchild'sageand
abilitytounderstand.Followingaresomeoftheissues
yourchildmayaskaboutandwhatheshouldknowateach
stage:
PreschoolChildren
"HowdidIgetinyourtummy?"
"WherewasIbeforeIgotinyourtummy?"
"HowdidIgetout?"
"Wheredobabiescomefrom?"
"Howcomegirlsdon'thaveapenis?"
18monthsto3yearsofage.Yourchildwillbegintolearn
abouthisownbody.Itisimportanttoteachyourchildthe
propernamesforbodyparts.Makingupnamesforbodyparts
maygivetheideathatthereissomethingbadaboutthe
propername.Also,teachyourchildwhichpartsareprivate
(partscoveredbyabathingsuit).
4to5yearsofage.Yourchildmaybegintoshowan
interestinbasicsexuality,bothherownandthatofthe
oppositesex.Shemayaskwherebabiescomefrom.Shemay
wanttoknowwhyboys'andgirls'bodiesaredifferent.She
mayalsotouchherowngenitalsandmayevenshowan
interestinthegenitalsofotherchildren.Thesearenot
adultsexualactivities,butsignsofnormalinterest.

However,yourchildneedstolearnwhatisallrighttodo
andwhatisnot.Settinglimitstoexplorationisreallya
familymatter.Youmaydecidetoteachyourchildthe
following:
Interestingenitalorgansishealthyandnatural.
Nudityandsexualplayinpublicarenotallright.
Nootherperson,includingevenclosefriendsand
relatives,maytouchher"privateparts."The
exceptionsaredoctorsandnursesduringphysical
examsandherownparentswhentheyaretryingtofind
thecauseofanypaininthegenitalarea.
SchoolageChildren
"Howolddogirlshavetobebeforetheycanhaveababy?"
"Whydoboysgeterections?"
"Whatisaperiod?"
"Howdopeoplehavesexualintercourse?"
"Whydosomemenlikeothermen?"
5to7yearsofage.Yourchildislearningmuchmoreabout
howpeoplegetalongwitheachother.Hemaybecome
interestedinwhattakesplacesexuallybetweenadults.His
questionswillbecomemorecomplexashetriesto
understandtheconnectionbetweensexualityandmaking
babies.Hemaycomeupwithhisownexplanationsabouthow
thebodyworksorwherebabiescomefrom.Hemayalsoturn
tohisfriendsforanswers.
Itisimportanttohelpyourchildunderstandsexualityin
ahealthyway.Lessonsandvalueshelearnsatthisage
willstaywithhimasanadult.Itwillencourage
meaningfuladultrelationshipslater.
8to9yearsofage.Yourchildprobablyalreadyhas
developedasenseofrightandwrong.Sheisableto

understandthatsexissomethingthathappensbetweentwo
peoplewholoveeachother.Shemaybegintobecome
interestedinhowmomanddadmetandfellinlove.As
questionsaboutromance,love,andmarriagearise,shemay
alsoaskabouthomosexualrelationships.Usethistimeto
discussyourfamily'sthoughtsabouthomosexuality.Explain
thatlikingorlovingsomeonedoesnotdependonthe
person'sgenderandisdifferentfromlikingsomeone
sexually.
Atthisage,yourchildwillbegoingthroughmanychanges
thatwillprepareherforpuberty.Asshebecomesmoreand
moreawareofhersexuality,itisimportantthatyoutalk
toheraboutdelayingsexualintercourseuntilsheis
older.Youshouldalsotalkaboutcontraceptionand
sexuallytransmitteddiseases(STDs),especiallyAIDS.Be
suresheunderstandshowthesediseasescanspreadandhow
shecanprotectherselffromthemandfrompregnancy.
Teachingyourchildtobesexuallyresponsibleisoneof
themostimportantlessonsinherlife.
Remember
Talkingaboutsexandsexualitygivesyouachancetoshare
yourvaluesandbeliefswithyourchild.Sometimesthe
topicorthequestionsmayseemembarrassing,butyour
childneedstoknowthereisalwaysareliable,honest
sourceshecanturntoforanswersyou.
LastUpdated
11/21/2015
Source
CaringforYourSchoolAgeChild:Ages5to12
(Copyright2004AmericanAcademyofPediatrics)

http://www.babycenter.com/0_howtotalktoyourchild
aboutsexages6to8_67908.bc

Howtotalktoyourchildaboutsex(ages6to8)
byMaryVanClay

Whattoexpectatthisage
Duringtheearlygradeschoolyears,children'snatural
interestintheirownbodiesstartstogivewayatleast
someofthetimetoanincreasinglycompellinginterest
intheirsocialworld.They'rebusytryingtomakeandkeep
friendsanddeveloptheirsocialandphysicalskillsonthe
playgroundandballfield.Theirinterestinsexatthis
agecanvarywidely.
Inmanygradeschoolersitsurfacesonlybriefly,nowand
thenjustoneofmanyotherthingsthey'recuriousabout.
Otherchildrenaremoreconsistentlycuriousaboutsexand
demandmoredetailthanbefore.
Yourgradeschoolerisalsoexposedtolotsofopinions,
ideas,andmisconceptionsthatcomefromotherchildren.
He'slikelytobelievethe"facts"hehearsfromhis
friends,nomatterhowoutrageoustheyare.
Andifyour8yearoldhassome10yearoldbuddies,hemay
beaskingyouquestionsyoudidn'tthinkyou'dhaveto
handlesosoon.Whenhehearsyouranswers,hemighttake
theminstrideorhemightreactwithaloud"Yuck!"This
isaclearandhealthysignthathe'sjustnotreadyto
learnmoredetailsaboutsexyet.
Mostchildrenundertheageof8can't,anddon'tneedto,

grasptheactualmechanicsofsex,anddiscussionsof
erections,periods,labor,andotheraspectsofsexuality
mayfrightenthem.
Howtotalkaboutit
Becalmandrelaxed.It'snoteasytokeepfromcringing
whenyourchildasksyouwhata"boner"is.Justdoyour
besttospeakcalmly,soyoucanrespectyourchild's
naturalcuriositywithoutbeingjudgmental.
Eachtimeyousuccessfullytackleasensitivetopic,the
anxietylevel(forbothofyou)goesdown.Ifyouavoid
thesetalks,yourchildwon'tlearnyourvaluesaboutsex,
butwilldevelopherownfromwhatshegleansfromfriends
andthemedia.
Manyadultsfeelawkwardtalkingaboutsexwiththeirchild
becausetheydon'thavemuchpracticedoingitandbecause
they'reafraidoftellingtoomuchonceadiscussiongets
going.Thebeststrategyistotrytoanswerquestions
calmlyandsuccinctly,howeverunusualorembarrassingit
seems.Iftalkingaboutsexishardforyou,tryrehearsing
youranswersinadvance,eitheraloneorwithyourspouse
orpartner.
Takeadvantageofquestionsthatcomeupwhenyou'reboth
ateaseinthefamilyroom,onawalk,orduringthose
quietmomentswhenyou'retuckingherintobed.Thecaris
alsoagreatplacetotalk,sincehavingtokeepyoureyes
ontheroadallowsyoutoavoideyecontact,whichmayhelp
youstaymorerelaxed.
"Theimportantthingisforaparenttoexplaindifficult
topicswithoutseeminganxious,"saysJeromeKagan,
professorofpsychologyatHarvardUniversity."Thechild
ispickingupthemelodyline,notthewords."

Reallylisten.Resistthetemptationtojumpinwith
speechestheminuteyourchildasksaquestionaboutsex.
Parentshavebeenknowntoembarkonalongexplanationof
conceptionandbirthonlytoheartheir6yearold
interrupt,"No,ImeanTimmysaidhe'sfromCalifornia
wheredidIcomefrom?"
Tomakesurethatyouunderstandhisquestion,youmight
tryrespondingtoyourchild'squestionwithanother
question."Howdobabiesgrowdoyoumean,howdoatwo
peoplestartababygrowing?Orhowdoesthebabygetfood
whenhe'sgrowinginsidethemother?"
Keepitsimple.Answerstoquestionsaboutconceptionand
birthcanbeabitmoredetailedforgradeschoolers,but
youprobablydon'tneedtogointodetailaboutsexual
intercourseyet.Andwhileyoudon'twanttosoundlikea
doctor,youshoulduseappropriatelanguage("penis"and
"vagina,"not"weewee"or"peepee").Itwilllessenthe
sensethatsexualtopicsareofflimitsandembarrassing.
"Howarebabiesmade?Thedadhasseeds,calledsperm,
whicharemadeinthetestes,inthatspecialpouchofskin
hangingbehindhispenis.Millionsoftinyspermaremade
thereallthetime.Theygetmixedwithawhiteliquid
calledsemen.
"Themom'seggsgrowinsideherbody,inherovaries.Every
monththemom'sovariesmakeanegg.Whengrownupsmakea
baby,semenfromthefather'speniscarriesthesperminto
themother'swomb.Justonespermjoinsupwiththeegg,
andthat'sthestartofanewbaby."
Yourchildmayormaynotbesatisfiedwiththatanswer.
Keepansweringherquestionsaslongassheshowsinterest,
butdon'toverloadherwithinformationifhernextcomment
is,"Okay.What'sfordinner?"

Encouragehisinterest.Nomatterwhatyourchild's
question,trynottosnap,"Wheredidyougetthatidea?We
don'ttalkaboutthingslikethat,"anddon'ttrytosteer
theconversationelsewhere.Eitherway,yourgradeschooler
willgetthemessagethathisperfectlynormalquestions
aretaboo,andthathe'sbadforeventhinkingofthem.
"Youwanttobean'askable'parent,"saysPepper
Schwartz,asociologyprofessorattheUniversityof
WashingtoninSeattleandcoauthorofTenTalksParents
MustHaveWithTheirChildrenAboutSexandCharacter.
"Yourkidshouldknowyoulovethiskindofconversation.
He'sconstantlyformingpicturesinhismindofwhat
realityisandthey'renotalwaysaccurate.Youwantto
betheretogivehimthetruthandassuageanyworries."
Soanswerhisquestionsandpraisehimforasking:"Whata
goodquestion!Askmesomemoreanytimeyouwantto."If
youdon'tknowtheanswer,tellhimhonestly,"I'mnot
sure,butlet'sgolookituptogether."
Yourwillingnesstotalkhonestlywithyourchildisan
ongoinggifthe'llneedashesteershiswaythroughthe
confusionsofchildhood,adolescence,andbeyond.
Useeverydayopportunities.Youdon'thavetowaitforyour
childtoaskallthequestions.You'veprobablyalready
beendiscussingsexualityforyears,simplybytalking
aboutthemommygoatnursingherbabyatthezooor
examiningthebrokenbird'seggshefoundonthesidewalk.
Keepusingthosemoments,aswellasscenesoffamilylife
inmoviesoronTV,totalkaboutrelationshipsand
sexuality.Booksalsoprovideperfectopportunitiesfor
talkingaboutsexandbirth.OnegoodchoiceisWhat'sthe
BigSecret?byLaurieKrasnyBrownandMarcBrown,the

creatoroftheArthurbooks.
Teachprivacy.Yourgradeschoolerunderstandsthe
occasionalneedfor"privatetime,"andheshouldknowthat
heneedstoknockbeforecominginwhenyourdooris
closed.Besuretofollowthesameruleyourselfwhenyour
childhasshuthisdoor.
It'salsoagoodideatocontinuetoemphasizetoyour
gradeschoolerthathisprivatepartsareprivate.It'snot
unusualandnotreallyeroticfor6yearoldsto
experimentby"playingdoctor,"sothere'snoneedtoscold
youryounggradeschoolerifyoucatchhimdoingthis.
Buthecanlearnthatnooneelseshouldtouchhimthere
buthisparentsororthedoctor,andthatheshouldsay
"no"toanyonewhotriestotouchhisprivatepartsagainst
hiswishes.
Whatkidsask...Whatparentsanswer
"What'ssex?"A6,7,or8yearoldismostapttoask
thisquestionifsomethingshe'sseenorheardusually
fromanolderchildoronTVintroducestheidea.
Don'tshyawayfromit,butrememberthatchildrenthisage
areprobablystilltooyoungfordetailsaboutthe
mechanicsofsex.However,even6yearoldscanlearnthat
there'sanemotionalelementtosex.
Youcantellher,"Theword'sex'issometimesusedtomean
whethersomeoneisaboyoragirl,likewhenweask,'What
sexisthebaby?'Sexisalsooneofthewaystwogrownups
canshowthattheyloveeachotherverymuch,bytouching
eachother'sbodyduringprivatetimetogether."Orsay,
"It'sshortfor'havingsex'or,itisawaytosay'making
love.'"

Ifsheasksformoredetail,youmightsay,"Grownupsuse
sextomakeeachotherfeelhappyandwonderful.Insexual
intercourse,aman'spenisgetsstiffandheputsitinside
awoman'svagina.Itfeelsgoodforbothofthem.Ifthey
want,amanandwomancanhavesextostartababy."
Relatedquestionsinclude,"Whydopeoplehavesex?What's
makinglove?Issexwhatyoudoinbed?Doesithurt?Ugh
willIhavetohavesex?"
"CanImakeababy?"Hereyoucanbegintoexplainthe
differencesbetweenchildren'sandadults'bodies,aswell
asthedifferencesintheiremotionalmaturitylevels.
"No,makingbabiesissomethingonlygrownupscando.Your
bodyisn'treadyyet,butitwillbewhenyou'reolder.It
alsotakesalotofgrowingupontheinsidetobereadyto
careforababy,andsonooneshouldmakeababyuntilhe
orsheisamatureadult."
Similarquestionsinclude,"Howcometeenagerscanhave
babies?"and"Whycan'tdadshavebabies?"
"Howdoesthebabygetout?"Childrenarefascinatedwith
pregnancyandbirth,andtheymayenvisionanythingfrom
MomvomitingupthebabytothedoctorunzippingMom's
bellyandlettingthebabywalkout.
Gradeschoolerscanbetold,"Whenthebabyisreadytobe
born,thebottomofthewombwhichiscalledthecervix
slowlystretchesopen.Strongmusclesinthewombpushthe
babydownthevaginaandoutfrombetweenthemom'slegs.
Thistakesafewhours."
Otherquestionsaboutpregnancyanddeliveryinclude,"Does
ithurttohavethebaby?Howdoesthebabygetfoodwhen
he'sinsideofyou?Whatdoeshelooklikenow?"
"What'smasturbation?"Oddsare,yourgradeschoolerhas

alreadyengagedinmasturbation,butatthispointhemay
behearingtheword(oreuphemismsforit)atschooland
startingtowondermoreaboutwhatitmeans.Because
masturbationisaloadedtopicformanyadults,yourchild
mayalsobewonderingwhetherit'sshamefulorunnatural.
Youcantellhim,"Masturbationmeanstouchingyourprivate
partsthepenisforboys,theclitorisforgirls.It
doesn'tdoyouanyharmtomasturbateinfact,it'sa
normalthingtodo.Butbecauseitinvolvesyourprivate
parts,it'ssomethingpeopledoinprivateonly."
Yourchildmayalsoask,"Isitokaytomasturbate?What
does'playingwithyourself'mean?Isitdirtytotouch
myselfdownthere?"
"What'spuberty?"Whenyourgradeschoolerstartstothink
aboutpuberty,she'sthinkingaboutgrowingup.Takehis
questionsseriously,butpaceyouranswers,deciding
questionbyquestionhowmuchinformationshe'sreally
readyfor.
Youcantellher,"Pubertyisthetimewhenyourbody
startstochangefromachild'sbodytoagrownupbody.
Peoplegothroughpubertyatdifferentagessomestartas
earlyasage8,othersnotuntil14or15,butmostat
aroundage10to13.Wecan'tpredictexactlywhenyou'll
start,butitwillbeattherighttimeforyourownbody."
Thisanswermaybejustenoughfora6to8yearold,who
couldbeoverwhelmedbydetailsofpubichairgrowthand
monthlyperiods.
Ontheotherhand,amature8yearold,particularlyone
whohasanoldersibling,maybereadyformore
information.
"Duringpuberty,girlsgrowbreastsandbeginhavingtheir

monthlyperiodsafewdaysofbleedingfromtheirvagina
whichshowsthattheirbodiesaregettingreadytobe
abletohavebabies.Boysstarttogetwidershoulders,
moremuscles,facialhair,deepervoices,andtheystart
makingspermintheirtestessotheycanmakebabies
someday,too.Girlsandboysbothstartgrowingmorehair
ontheirbodiesandtheirprivateparts."
Relatedquestionsinclude,"WhenwillIstartpuberty?AmI
goingtobedifferentallofasudden?AmIgoingtohave
toshave?WhatdoyoumeanthatDavid'svoiceischanging?
AmIgrowingfastenough?"
"What'saperiod?"Becauseyoungchildrenespeciallymay
linkbleedingwithpain,ifthey'veheardaboutgirls'
monthlyperiods,theyneedtobereassuredthatthisisa
normalandpositivepartofgrowingup.Mostgirlswill
wantspecificinformation,butboysaskaboutperiods,too.
Tellyourgradeschooler,"Aperiodandmenstruationare
thesamethingthetimeeverymonththatagirl'sbody
showsit'sabletohaveababy.Girlsstarthavingtheir
periodswhentheygothroughpubertyanditcouldbe
anywherefromaboutage10to15,thoughsomestarteven
earlierorevenlater.
"Duringherperiod,agirlbleedsthroughhervaginafora
fewdayseverymonth.Mostgirlswearasanitarynapkin,
then,insidetheirunderpants.Later,manyusetampons,
whicharelikeskinnynapkinsthatfitinsidethevagina."
Relatedquestionsinclude,"WhenamIgoingtogetmy
period?Doesithurt?CanIhaveababythen?"
"WhenamIgoingtogetbreasts?"Breastsareabigsource
ofpride,envy,concern,andembarrassmenttogirlsand
manyboysteaseaboutthem.Letyourgradeschoolerknow

thatbreastsizedoesnotdeterminewhetherapersonis
pretty,sexy,orpopular.
"Yourbreastswillstarttodevelopwhenyoustartgoing
throughpuberty,"youcantellyourgradeschooler."They
mightbeoneofthefirstsignsthatyou'regrowingup,or
othersignslikegettingyourperiodcouldcomefirst."
Gradeschoolgirlsmayalsoask,"Howbigaremybreasts
goingtobe?CanIgetabra?IfIdon'twearabrawhenmy
breastsaregrowing,whatwillhappen?"
"What'sawetdream?"Boysareasconcernedabouttheir
penisesasgirlsareabouttheirbreasts.Most6to8
yearoldboysaren'thavingwetdreamsyet,buttheymaybe
hearingaboutthemfromolderfriendsandsiblings.
Youcanexplain,"Awetdreamisasignthataboyisgoing
throughpuberty.Histestesaremakingalotofspermall
thetime,andwhenalotofithascollected,ithastoget
out.Thespermcomesoutinsemenwhenaboy'sasleep.
"It'snotthesameaswettingyourbed.Wetdreamsare
normalandnatural,andmostboyshavethem."
Otherquestionsaboutpenisesinclude,"What'sejaculation?
What'saboner?Howbigismypenisgoingtoget?Doall
boyshavethesamekindofpenis?"
"Whatdoes'gay'mean?"Unlesshe'salreadylearnedstrong
judgmentsabouthomosexualityfromadults,ayounggrade
schoolerisapttoacceptsamesexrelationshipsamong
adultsfairlyeasily.Butatthisage,yourchildmaybe
curiousabouthowdifferentrelationshipswork.
Youcantellyourgradeschooler,"'Gay'isanotherword
for'homosexual.'Agaypersonisattractedtopeopleof
thesamesexsoagaymanisattractedtomen.Agay
womaniscalledalesbian,andshe'sattractedtowomen.

"Whentheyloveeachother,homosexualadultscanhavesex
together,livetogether,andraisechildrentogether."
Yourchildmayalsoask,"What'sa'homo'?Whyis'gay'a
badword?Howcantwowomenormengetmarried?Howdogay
peoplehavebabies?"
"WhatareyouandDaddoing?"Manyparentsworrythattheir
childwillwalkinonthemduringsex.Itcanalsobe
acutelyembarrassingforyourgradeschooler.It'snearly
impossiblenottogetflustered,buttry(andthenstart
lockingthebedroomdoor!).
Youcansay,"Honey,weneedprivacyrightnow.Ifyougo
backtoyourroom,I'llbethereinjustaminute."Then
putonarobe,takeafewdeepbreaths,andgotalktoyour
child.
"Weweremakinglove,showinghowmuchwecareabouteach
other.Weusuallylockthedoorbecausethat'sprivate.We
forgotthistime."
Dependingonyourchild'sreaction,youcanask,"Didthat
upsetyou?Isthereanythingyouneed?"Makesureyour
childisn'tscaredorworriedbywhathesaw,andbesure
toemphasizethathedidn'tdoanythingwrong.
Don'tchide,"Youshouldhaveknocked!"Bynowyourchild
isalreadywishinghehadn'tgonein.
Ifyou'resureyourgradeschoolerunderstoodwhatshesaw,
youmighttrytoeasethetensionwithalittlehumorby
saying,"Well,thisisn'texactlyhowI'dplannedtoteach
youaboutsex!I'malittleembarrassed,butI'llgetover
it.Now,askmeanythingyouwant."
Agradeschooler'sresponsetoseeingyoumakinglovecan
rangefromanupset,"Wereyouhurtingeachother?"toa
curious"Whywereyoumakingthatnoise?"toan

embarrassed,"I'mgettingoutofhere!"