There is always a big question as who's lifestyle is easier: stay-at-home moms or working

moms? It is for sure that both types of mothers work very hard, but what is better for a
woman, to stay at home with kids, or to work is very hard to determine. So let's dig a little
deeper and find out all the pluses and minuses for staying at home or working while being a
mom.
Anyone who has children, especially infants and toddlers, will know and agree that this is
not an easy task at all. Keeping up with children is very tiresome and is equal to working a
full time job. There is a constant attention that kids require, no matter whether they need to
read a book, watch TV, eat, play or go for a walk. In addition, women have do the work
around the house cleaning, cooking and doing laundry.
Some experts in early childhood development believe that parental care cannot be
substituted by anything, including daycare, babysitter or nanny care, or even a relative care
for a child. There were two studies published in 2003, one conducted by the National
Institute of Child Health and Human Development and the other by the Institute of Child
Development of the University of Minnesota, that found that children who spent all day long
in daycare center were likely to be exposed to more stress and more aggression than kids
cared for at home.
Stay-at-home moms have the opportunity to directly supervise the child's care, making sure
it is in a familiar, comfortable, relaxed, and nurturing environment. They have the
opportunity to be in touch with their child on a regular basis, and are able to witness the
child's emotional and physical changes. They are given a better chance to be the first to see
anything new that happens in a child's life. Some mothers consider staying at home with
kids as "the most rewarding career" that one can ever imagine to have.
For some families, it is, in fact, less expensive for one parent to stay home rather than to
pay for a daycare or to hire a babysitter. They also benefit, in their words, by avoiding the
stress from unsatisfactory job. Staying home gives women more time to spend with children
and a spouse, and at the same time to maintain the home. For many families it is a better
way to keep the family life running smoothly.
But the life at home is not always that perfect for many women, and the major reason for
that is loneliness. For those used to work and being surrounded by other co-workers,
colleagues and friends at work, the change of pace can lead to stress, and sometimes to a
deep depression. For those who were happy with their work and tried to build a career, it
might even cause the feeling that they are losing their identity. The self-esteem suffers if
they do not feel the appreciation of their boss or colleagues. Many women also prefer

crowded busy offices to diaper changing and laundry, which they consider as boring and
upsetting.
As to working moms, unfortunately, they may not have the opportunity to spend as much
time with their children and spouses as they would like to. It is very stressful for many
women who do not have any other choice and have to work in order to keep both ends
meet. On the other hand, they have their own income and bring home a regular pay check
which means more independence, freedom and a little extra money to spend. They can
make their own decisions about money and purchases, and they know how the money is
being spent.
It is better for many working moms to use their potential, knowledge and abilities at work
rather than to stay at home. For them, intellectual stimulation, problem solving, and coping
with challenges increase feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence. If mom is happy and
challenged in her own life, she has a better chance to provide a happy and challenging life
for her children. When women are fulfilled in themselves, they have much more to give to
their kids. Modern women were raised to fulfill themselves intellectually, financially, and
socially, and very few might feel complete and satisfied if they give all that up to stay home
with small children.
To be a working mother is surely a hard task. After spending the whole day at work they
have to come home and clean, cook, do laundry, and everything else. Unless they have a
housekeeper or some other kind of helping hand, they have to do all the work by
themselves. Working moms deserve a big respect for their strength and energy to be able to
perform their jobs everyday.
Factors such as financial stability, work availability, spousal support, passion for work, kid's
age and health play a big role in the decision to be a working or stay-at-home mother. Being
a mom, in general, can be tough enough sometimes, let alone having daily chores and
responsibilities. The conclusion is, no matter what they have decided in their lives, all good
mothers deserve a big applause and respect just as much as anyone else.

Are Stay-At-Home Moms Better?

Can we really have it all a career, the good life and parenthood?
Can parents afford to raise a child on one income?
How can new parents decide whether to work or stay home with the kids.
Kristie Tamsevicius, author of I Love My Life: A Moms Guide to Working from Home says
that the answer has never been clearer. Since September 11, 2001, people are going back
to basics. Fueled by frustration with their current work environments, people long to spend
more time at home with their families. This desire has led millions of parents to say
goodbye to corporate America and hello to a work at home career.
One of the toughest decisions you face is whether you will stay at home with the children or
go back to work. Financially, it can be difficult to make the switch to living on one income.
Additionally, women often wonder if they are sacrificing their career by choosing to stay at
home.
New parents are overwhelmed with the onslaught of child relating expenses including baby
gear, clothing, diapers, and medical bills. In fact, according to the U.S. Department of
Agriculture, raising a child from birth to age 2 costs $13,400 a year. So how can families cut
back and survive on less income and endure these added costs?
The common myth is that if both parents work, there will be more income.
But this is not always the case. If you add up the numbers, oftentimes you are not getting
ahead financially by working and paying daycare.
When you subtract childcare costs, auto expenses, dry cleaning and other work related
expenses many find they are not making that much by working outside the home.
The truth is that we trap ourselves into thinking that we need two incomes to survive.
Whether its keeping up with the Jones or buying high tech toys, it seems when you make
more, you spend more. When our income increases, instead of banking the difference, we
raise our standard of living.
The pressures of dual working parents can weigh on a family. Sometimes working mothers
feel guilty for wanting to work away from home. Then there is the issue of balance. Juggling
the pressures of work and home can be tough. Trying to make sure meals are made, the
house is clean, and the bills get paid between running kids to soccer practice is trying.
We have to ask what we are teaching our kids with our busy lifestyles.
Are we teaching our kids that this pace of life is normal and desirable?
Will daycare teach your kids the values you would?
No one will love and teach your kids the way you do. Daycare will attend to the physical
needs of your child, but are they teaching your kids the values and lessons you would? In
situations such as the bullying kid at daycare, or the fight over toys is the daycare provider
shaping your childs character in the same way you would?
Children reap vast benefits when moms stay at home. Mothers can provide care with love.
They are there to discipline and teach proper behaviors. While spending quality time,

mothers can develop a lasting bond with their children. This bond creates a stronger sense
of security and well being within the child.
Kids enjoy other benefits too. Moms can provide a more varied diet and better nutrition.
And children receive more mental stimulation when one on one sharing time with mom.
How can moms learn to live on less and stay at home with the kids?
Shopping smart saves money. Thrifty minded moms cut coupons, look for sales, and buy in
bulk to cut costs. Many families are learning that a simple life beats the pressures of trying
to keep up. By setting a lower standard of living, you can learn to enjoy the simple things.
You teach your children that wealth lies not in material possessions, but in the joy of living.
Working from home can help parents to have the best of both worlds:
precious family time and extra income.
Statistics show that todays working people are eager to say goodbye
to corporate life and say hello to the joys of working from home.
Working from home offers a variety of benefits including being your own boss, flexibility, the
ultimate office space, no commute, increased control, time with family, and the sheer joy of
designing your own business and life.
Entrepreneurship offers thrills, stimulation, challenge, and a new powerful choice-driven
reality. It provides an option for single parents and families struggling with family and
career concerns. Its allowing dads to quit the 9-to-5 grind and stay at home with the kids.
Its providing a new chance for people who have been laid off or kicked out of the corporate
system. Its providing a new income-earning opportunity for people who cant live on their
retirement funds alone.
At-home careers offer an income for people with disabilities who have trouble finding jobs in
the traditional workplace.
So realize that as a parent, now you dont have to decide to work or stay at home, you can
have both: a career and time with your kids.
Kristie Tamsevicius, is the author of "I Love My Life: A Mom's Guide to Working from
Home"! Thousands of aspiring entrepreneurs have used her step-by-step home business
system to earn money working from home. Get a free ecourse Home Business Success
Secrets at www.Webmomz.com

Cuepacs chiefs sexist remark

By IZATUN SHARI

PETALING JAYA: Wanita MCA and Wanita Gerakan are appalled by the gender-biased statement
by Cuepacs secretary-general Ahmad Shah Mohd Zin, who complained about the upward trend of
female employees in the civil service, as well as his alleged complete misreading of government
policy on the issue.

Wanita MCA chairman Datin Paduka Chew Mei Fun said Ahmad Shahs condescending and
chauvinistic statement demonstrated sheer disregard and disrespect for women and their
contribution to nation-building.
She said it also reflected an utter lack of understanding of the actual state of female representation
in decision-making positions and the implications of gender dynamics.
It is shocking for a leader of an organisation which represents civil servants to express such a
blatant gender-biased position, she said in a statement Tuesday.
Chew was responding to reports about remarks by Ahmad Shah expressing concern over the
increasing female profile in the civil service, saying it would have long-term implications on the
progress and growth of the nation.
He was also quoted as saying that women civil servants tended to be inflexible and rigid, and thus
were unable to provide effective and friendly service, besides their need to go on long leave after
giving birth.
Chew said Ahmad Shahs inaccurate statement showed sheer disrespect for the Governments
intention of increasing womens participation in decision-making in Government institutions and
public administration bodies.
The Governments efforts in achieving at least 30% of women in decision-making (positions) would
be futile if such gender-biased mindsets continue to permeate society, she said.
Chew said that Ahmad Shah did not fully comprehend the national policy.
The Cuepacs secretary-general had said that almost three quarters of new posts in the
administrative and diplomatic service were being filled by women, claiming that this was contrary to
the present government policy to reserve only 30% of decision-making posts for women.
The actual government policy is to have women in at least 30% of decision-making posts.
Chew said Ahmad Shahs inaccurate statement was tantamount to sheer disrespect towards the
Government ... and its international pledge to the 1995 Beijing Platform for Action to ensure womens
equal access to and full participation in decision-making in government bodies and public
administration entities.
She noted that according to Gender Gap Index 2009, Malaysias overall rank had dropped to 101
last year from 96 in 2008.
Echoing Chews sentiment, Wanita Gerakan deputy chief Ng Siew Lai said it was wrong for Ahmad
Shah to question or worry about too many females in the civil service.

We should not worry too much about the current dominance of female employees in the civil
service. This is the nature of progress of society. However, we must also take measures to
encourage males to become civil servants, Ng said.
Published: Monday February 22, 2010 MYT 3:09:00 PM
Updated: Tuesday February 23, 2010 MYT 8:59:08 PM

Cuepacs concerned about 'female

dominance' (Updated with reactions)
KUALA LUMPUR: Cuepacs is concerned about the increasing dominance of female employees in
the civil service, saying it would have long-term implications on the progress and growth of the
country.
Its secretary-general Ahmad Shah Mohd Zin said on Monday that the trend now was that more
women officers were being appointed to important decision-making posts.
For example, almost three quarters of the new posts in the administrative and diplomatic service
(PTD) were being filled by women, he said, adding that this was contrary to the present government
policy to reserve only 30% of decision-making posts for women.
(The actual government policy is to have women in at least 30% of decision-making posts. -- ED)
The teaching profession was also dominated by women, he added.
According to Human Resources Minister Datuk Dr S. Subramaniam, the ratio of male and female
teachers was 30:70.
Ahmad Shah said that while Cuepacs appreciated the Governments gender equality policy, it
nevertheless wanted it to be implemented with great care so as not to upset the balance between
male and female employees.
He said both males and females had their own strengths and weaknesses and they should balance
each other for the good of the service.
However, the National Union of the Teaching Profession (NUTP) secretary-general Lok Yim Pheng
said that although there were more women teachers, the decision-making process in the education
service was dominated by men.
She said women teachers were performing very well and providing quality education to children.

She suggested that the ministry recruit more male teachers in certain areas like sports, physical
education, and co-curricular activities, saying that the ideal would be a 50-50 ratio for male and
female teachers.
In PUTRAJAYA, Puteri Umno expressed regret at the statement, saying that Cuepacs concern was
unfounded and showed the shallow thinking of its leaders.
Puteri Umno chief Datuk Rosnah Abdul Rashid Shirlin said the movement believed that the
appointment of more women to the PTD was supported by their ability and would not have a longterm impact on the development of the country as claimed.
She told Bernama that Cuepacs should instead look into factors which led to fewer males in
decision-making posts, especially from the aspect that women outnumbered men in institutions of
higher learning.
She also said that the 30% decision-making posts reserved for women only involved high-ranking
posts in the administration, which had yet to be reached, and did not apply to other posts, including
new PTD posts.
She said Ahmad Shah should rethink his statement which did not take into consideration the
contributions of women to nation-building simply because he could not accept the fact that there
were now more capable women than men.
Puteri Umno believes that the involvement of women in whatever field is based on merit and should
be balanced with that of men, she added. Bernama

06
Aug

08

On air: Should women stay at home after all?

By helenmaguire 157 Comments
Categories: First thing

Tom is our presenter today, and has written this:

Yup, its a man who is writing this. But before you say, hah typical, read this.
A study by Cambridge University has found that increasing numbers of men and women
believe working Mums are having a negative impact on family life. The suggestion is career

and family cant co-exist. Kids suffer. What do opinions like that mean for womens rights
was gender equality just a flash in the pan?
Plenty of strong opinions on the BBCs Have Your Say site.
Or why turn the question on its head: Isnt it about time men started staying at home? And
doing their fair share around the house in Italy men spend on average an hour a day on
household chores, a woman in full-time employment spends 6 hours a day doing
housework.
Look at Scandinavia. Women there seem to manage both career and children. Dont they?
According to this article, its not the generous welfare handouts, but gender equality that
makes this possible. Women can combine jobs and kids, because the men are pitching in.
Tom
1.

We cannot ignore innate differences between the genders. Women are born the with mindset
of mother while fathers are not. However depending on the socioeconomic circumstances in which
the woman finds herself, she may choose to stay at home or not.

Personally, I always like to see women be independent and I would never date, much less marry a
woman who is not. Women are human beings just like men and are therefore entitled to the same
priviliges and rights but also to the same RESPONCIBILITIES.
1.

Arnaud Ntirenganya Emmanuel

August 6, 2008 at 14:44

Hello Tom,
I want to believe that this practiced about 90% in Africa where women even those who are employed
close from work with their head in the air just heading at home to rescue the situation while men head
at drinking places.
Reply
2.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 14:44

This will definitely be a touchy subject. Whether a woman (or a man for that matter) stays at home
with their children instead of pursuing a career is simply a parenting choice. I think we are all probably
a little biased based on our own upbringings. My Mom stayed at home not because she wasnt
interested in a career (she was part of a successful advertising company) but because there were
several factors in our household so it just made more sense. And my Mom was happy to do it. The
question is, did I benefit from my Mom being at home? Sure I did. But I dont think this argument
should be about choosing one side or the other. There is a middle ground. I envision having children of
my own one day. And I would like to achieve a balance between raising my kids and my work. Maybe
it means working part time or from home until theyre old enough to go to school. Or maybe the man
I marry will be the one to work out of the house while I continue to work full time. In this situation,
you can have it both ways.
Reply
3.

Michael Chung in Hong Kong

August 6, 2008 at 14:44

Well, I dont think there is a bad effect on a child if the mum works. Take my case, without my mum
around me 24/7, I feel myself more independent and more responsible than my schoolmates!!
Reply
4.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 14:52

I think women should have a choice whether to work or stay at home. Some women have to work and
others do not. Women that stay at home are usually sacrificing financially to stay at home. While
women that work are sacrificing time with their kids to work. There are women that work and are able
to still raise their children and some men are staying at home, while their wife works. I personally
would rather stay at home while my kids are young. I realize that I would suffer professionally but
that is a risk I would gladly take.
Additionally, women must realize that there may be differences in pay if you work and have kids. A
man may make more money and should if he can performs a better job than the women and is
available more than the women is able to be avaialable.

Reply
5.

Timmy Gibson in Mufressboro, Tennessee

August 6, 2008 at 14:55

I think it is time for men to stop thinking that this is a society in which women have to be submissive
to the men. If a woman wants to work, then she should be allowed to do so.
Reply
6.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 15:00

As Steve Martin said in Parenthood, women have choices, men have responsibilities. Not suggesting
that staying home and raising kids isnt a responsibility, but in all honestly, how many men have the
option of not working? I know if I dont work, Im homeless. Nobody is going to provide for me.
Reply
7.

Arnaud Ntirenganya Emmanuel

August 6, 2008 at 15:01

Hello Tom,
Women who exercise liberty out of their home are seen as harlots, while to see men who stay at home
and help their wives (families) here in Africa its very hard except those with western ideology (lived
there).
Reply
8.

parth guragain

August 6, 2008 at 15:03

here in Nepal men expect women to stay at home.women are treated as slaves in rural area of
Nepal.if the society is to progress rapidly women should look beyond their four walls of house.
Reply
9.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 15:06

Assuming that parenting is a partnership and that the parents are sharing finances with each other
(which they would probably do) the man has just as much of an option as the women of not working.
Theres nothing wrong with the woman being the primary breadwinner in a family and the man staying
home to raise the children. Its no different than if the woman stayed at home its simply just not
what society is used to.
Reply
10.

nelsoni

August 6, 2008 at 15:18

Strike a balance, motherhood and career will go hand in hand without conflict of interest.
Reply
11.

Robert

August 6, 2008 at 15:19

I dont believewomen should stay at home but I do believe that a parent should be at home until the
child is school aged at least, and perhaps even 10. Whether thats the Dad or the Mother or both
alternating depends on the family situation.
Reply
12.

Brett

August 6, 2008 at 15:23

Im not a fan of both parents working and pawning the child off on daycare providers, friends or
relatives. At the same token, I wouldnt expect my wife (if I were to get married) to be the one to stay
home. We could weigh the pros and cons, who makes more money to provide for the family, and if she
can provide better than I, I would be happy to stay at home with my child / children.
Reply
13.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 15:26

@ Brett,
Well put. My sentiments exactly.

Reply
14.

Nick in USA

August 6, 2008 at 15:29

What a hornets nest of a title that is. I think the real question is: Does one parent need to stay home
with the children, in order to raise them properly? To this, I would answer, yes. As Melanie noted,
marriage is a partnership. Does it really need to be mum who stays home? Why not dad? If mum has
a better career, then it should be dad.
Reply
15.

Robert Evans

August 6, 2008 at 15:32

Rob I agree with you that the children should have someone looking after them. Although I think if the
mother is in a an important job then it should be her husband who looks after the children. Although
nowerdays both parents have to work because they both have important jobs. This means that the
grandparents of the children if in good physical and mental health. This situation happened when I
was younger because both of my parents had jobs.
Reply
16.

gary

August 6, 2008 at 15:32

No doubt about it, children fare better in the care of someone who has vested interest in their future
happiness. While it doesnt need to be a loving mom or dad, good results occur if it is, and better if
this responsibility is equally shared. Best results happen if the society understands its intersts are
served by meeting the needs and facilitating the accomplishments of every citizen, including those
who wear nappies.
g
Reply
17.

Asad_Babyl

August 6, 2008 at 15:36

I thought all of you decided not to have any more kids because the sky is getting polluted and is in
grave danger of falling?
Reply
18.

troop

August 6, 2008 at 15:40

My wife is the main bread winner. I work and have a tiny pension. We have an 11 year old son. Does
very well in school. Is a loving and good boy, happy as a lark.
The important thing is we always enjoyed him. He knows he is loved and valued above all else. He is
very affectionate.
We also live in a great area by the sea. There are no bad peer influences upon our son, such as gangs,
and or just aggressive people.
Worse is welfare state, where mothers get pregnant out of wedlock, and have men stop by for their
share of welfare money, and the single mother has multiple children by different fathers. Mother is
stay at home, but there is no solid character instilling going on, usually in slum areas or project
housing set up for the poor.
Kids really do need two parents, male and female to raise with good intent, love and observe their
folks being, honest, fair, helpful and generally good.
troop on Oregon coast
Reply
19.

Julie P

August 6, 2008 at 15:42

This is a decision that is made by two people in a committed marriage, if either partner decides to stay
and take care of the child or children, then that is their decision, along with if parents decide to work
our of the home. In either case both parents are still responsible from welfare of the child or children
regardless of the decision.
Reply

20.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 15:45

I have met several men that would not marry a women if she didnt work, even if they had children.
They thought that a woman that stayed home was selfish. It used to be normal for a woman to stay at
home while the man worked. I wonder why people think that philosophy should or can no longer
apply.
Reply
21.

Dwight in Cleveland

August 6, 2008 at 15:45

The trouble is that this question is proximal, but not related to the problem at hand. Since WWII we
have went from accepting women in the work place, to expecting them. Today in the US you have to
have 2 incomes to get by. This creates a situation where children are being raised by various
unreliable sources. That in turn leads to unreliable adults. For the best results to the benefit of the
community, a child needs one parent at home. The only matter of which gender is which one is best
suited for it. However, to do that would mean a drastic economical structure change where one income
would be enough.
To be honest, the father not being home is only existed as a common family structure for less then
120 years.
Reply
22.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 15:49

@ Asad
Do we really want to open that can of worms again?
Reply
23.

Abdelilah Boukili

August 6, 2008 at 15:50

haha

Its an ideal that women should stay at home to take care of their children, but this cant be possible
without a price as they are going to be denied the opportunities they can get through work. Today it is
becoming increasing rare for a woman in a developed country to be financially dependent on her
husband. In developing countries, many male workers and civil servants who have a low income prefer
to marry a working woman to cover financial needs.
The other changes concerning women is that a lot of them are now single mothers. It will be
impossible for many of them to stay at home, as they need a job to take care of their children.
Its up to women to choose which is best for them, to be full-time mothers or part-time workers to
come to terms with the financial needs to raise a family.
Reply
24.

Nick in USA

August 6, 2008 at 15:51

@ Parth
Put frankly, that is quite appalling. Perhaps the situation will change now that Nepal is a republic.
Reply
25.

Drake Weideman

August 6, 2008 at 15:51

I think an important point is, that like everything in life, the more time, energy, effort and attention
invested in something (in this case, children), the better the end result. For a society to be stong and
prosper long term, its children should be very carefully nourished & cared fortreasured, as they are
the future.
I believe that each child deserves a lot of time invested and for that to happen, someone should be at
home with the childwhether it is the mother or the father should be up to the individual family
situation (I dont believe in one size fits all solutions).
I believe that many children brought up in homes with working parents are very successful, but I also
think that the odds for their success greatly increase with a caring, attentive parent present.

If, due to money or life circumstances, a parent will not be able to stay at home with a child, then a
LOT of thought should go into whether that family should have a child.
Reply
26.

Julie P

August 6, 2008 at 15:53

@Angela,
Women have been holding down paying jobs outside of the home for a very long time. I have
documentation going three generations back of this on my mothers side of the family. In fact, my
mothers mother was the breadwinner in the family.
Reply
27.

jcheburet2002

August 6, 2008 at 15:57

Nowadays, there is little attention given to children by parents because the parents are busy working.
On one hand, a wife can stay home and take care of the home and children. On the other, the cost of
living is so high that the man being the sole bread-winner is a daunting task.
So, for me, this an issue that should be handled at the domestic level by the spouses. They can sort it
out through consensus.
My wife has a full time job like me. I appreciate her contribution, particularly when things are tough.
Reply
28.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 16:02

@Asad
That was hilarious, but true
Reply
29.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 16:02

@ jcheburet2002
I would just like to point out that your comment that nowadays, there is little attention given to
children by parents because the parents are busy working is (in my opinion) a misunderstood
generalization. It IS possible to be a working parent and still be able to be attentive to your children.
Its unfortunate that the generalization given to working parents is that their children automatically
suffer. That is not always the case. There is a middle ground here (I mentioned in an earlier post the
possibility of a parent working from home/part time until the child is old enough to be in school during
the day).
Reply
30.

John in Salem

August 6, 2008 at 16:02

The heart of the question is about choices and consequences. Things like gender equality and equal
rights are great concepts but they are NOT free.
If you choose to have children then THEY are the top priority in your life, and if you have made that
choice without thinking it through or using only the logic of, its my right, or, everyone else manages
to do it, then its your children who will pay the price.
Yes, men need to accept more responsibility for maintaining the home, and yes, its near impossible to
raise a family on one income, but those are not simply realities that have to be accepted they are
factors that have to be considered when making the choice to have a family.
And if you cant imagine what your answer might be in 10 years when someone asks you, What were
you thinking?, then youre not ready to make that choice.
Reply
31.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 16:06

@Julie P
I realize that some women did work. A majority of women did not work in the early 1900s. The
women in my family worked also but they worked because they had to work. Although I think my
grandmother just wanted her own money because my grandfather was cheap. Most of my relatives

think I am stupid for wanting to stay at home when I have kids, if I am able to. I am truthful to myself
and to the people I date. Most of the people I have dated would never want to stay at home but they
would perfer their wife to stay at home when they had kids.
Reply
32.

Vijay Srao

August 6, 2008 at 16:07

Isnt that why there is maternity leave?

The more generous the maternity leave and the better the child care provision is the more civilsed a
country is ,look at the Scandanavian countries.
Yes men and women should be able to have it all ,have a fulfilling job and enjoy time with their
families.
Reply
33.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 16:14

@troop,
Wow! too many stereotypical comments to address.
I would and have stayed home nourturing my children.
I saw it as my responsibility.
And, I gladly sacrificed for it.
Children need to be raised by family and not child care workers.
It is important that if the woman works, (as so many have pointed out for economic reasons) that she
make time to bond with her children.
Yes, this is also true for the father.
But, I felt that it was paternally optional, but maternally necessary.
Just because I have the right to do something does not mean that it is good for me and/or my family.
Why would we be setting ourselves back a century (or so) if women stayed at home?
Staying at home, caring for children, does not equal work that should be less valued.In fact, the idea
that women would be turning the clock back by staying home is a bit offensive and I feel quite

backward.
it suggests that child rearing is unpleasant and undesired by most women and it puts more value on
out of home work.
The well being of the children should come before any career decision and should be discussed way
before children are conceived.
Reply
34.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 16:16

@ John in Salem
Very well put. If people make the choice to have children, they should accept the responsibility of
raising them. Unfortunately, people dont all have the same viewpoints about how children should be
raised. But that is a whole other argument.
Reply
35.

Nick in USA

August 6, 2008 at 16:17

Has the cost of living really changed that much, since the times when a man could be the sole bread
winner? Why has it changed? I agree, it is nearly impossible for the average 28 year old man to earn
an adequate income to cover the costs of his wife and 2 children. I had enough trouble covering the
costs of my wife and myself. The bloated housing market certainly doesnt help the situation either.
Are we just living beyond our means and expecting too much, or is simple survival actually more
difficult now?
@ Asad
Did anyone claim the sky was falling?
Reply
36.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 16:19

@Julie P

I just wanted to say that I agree with your earlier post. The decision to stay at home or not resides
with the couple but they are both responsible for the welfare of the child.
My uncles and father were the bread winners. They took some responsibility with the children but it
was ultimately the womans responsibility.
Reply
37.

Julie P

August 6, 2008 at 16:20

@Angla,
I will sppeak for myself, I come from a working and/or middle class background, women from those
backgrounds have traditionally worked outside of the home. I believe that what is taking place with
women working outside of the home is a class issue.
If you want to be a stay at home parent, and it is agreed to between you and your spouse, then that
is your decision. However, I have had the same experience as you have; the men I meet want a
woman who holds down a paying job outside of the home. Many have stated it is a waste of a
womans mind not to.
Reply
38.

Robert

August 6, 2008 at 16:23

Vijay
Maternity leave is less than a year. Paternity leave is 2 weeks. What do the family do for the remaining
4 1/2 years before school starts is the question? Would you suggest that companies keep women on
paid leave for possible a decade to have a family (say three or four kids) ? I could imagine last night
guest having a few choice words about that.
Reply
39.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 16:24

@Vijay,
No, people cant always have it all.
In every situation there are good and bad consequences.
Sacrifice is part of parenthood and why not?
Do we just want things so easy that we can always do what we want all of the time and think that
things are fine?
When we have children, someone will have to take a significant amount of time out of their days to
raise them far past maternity leave.
The parents must decide if they want to raise their own children or have someone else do it for them.
Then, they will need to take the consequences of their actions.
If I choose to stay at home with my children, then I cant complain about my decision.
Similarly, if I choose to give my time and energy to my career instead of my children, then, I cant
complain when my children are more independent than I believe necessary or when they bond to
other individuals.
Reply
40.

Anthony

August 6, 2008 at 16:26

Should the woman stay home? Of course, how else are pies going to be made and dishes arent going
to clean themselves. I mean, whats next, theyll start reading, then get opinions!?!?!?
The truth is, the U.S. system is set up so that if you want to live comfortably, a family will need a
second form of income. I envy the past when you could support your family off of a minimum wage
income, but its all been changed.
-Anthony, LA, CA
Reply
41.

sushil

August 6, 2008 at 16:26

that is the narrow concept

but
widely practical
sushil bhatta
nepal
Reply
42.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 16:27

@ Angela
Lot of men dont like dealing with golddiggers. Its no fun to be a walking ATM machine. Where I live,
there plenty of women driving around in BMWs, that have no kids, that dont work at all. These men
are funding those lifestyles and then will have a HUGE alimony payment when they ultimately get
divorced. By providing for a woman, you open yourself to financial hell in divorce.
Reply
43.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 16:29

@Dwight
You stated the father not being home is only existed as a common family structure for less then 120
years.
What exactly do you mean by that? Men generally worked and women generally stayed at home with
the kids going back hundreds of years.
Reply
44.

Brett

August 6, 2008 at 16:32

@ Asad
Did anyone claim the sky was falling?

Chicken Little? Maybe he has that mixed up with WHYS? *shrugs*

Let him take things to the extreme, its amusing
Reply
45.

sushil

August 6, 2008 at 16:35

that is the narrow concept

but
widely practical $ used
sushil bhatta
nepal
Reply
46.

Asad_Babyl

August 6, 2008 at 16:39

No one is adressing my very reasonable post way up top. I guess thats because were pretty much on
the same page when it comes to upholding womens freedoms, but also lament frequent economic and
social obstactles preventing them from spending more time with the kids.
Reply
47.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 16:39

@ Angela
What exactly do you mean by that? Men generally worked and women generally stayed at home with
the kids going back hundreds of years.
Hundreds of years ago, pretty much the majority of jobs were just producing enough food so you
didnt starve. They didnt have office jobs really back then, so you didnt have a commute or go very
far away. Boys would normally help their dads out in the farmyards. Girls would help too, as well as

learn domestic duties. Remember, it wasnt really possible to travel that far from home back in those
days because the fastest method was by horse.
Reply
48.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 16:40

Again,
Somehow women staying at home is seen as backward or not fulfilling her full potential.
Why is that?
Do I need to have a career to be validated as a woman?
Do I need to act just as career-oriented men do, to be taken seriously?
I guarantee you that raising children teaches you lots about people and activity management.
And, a good mother is always using her brain to teach the children and get everything done that is her
work.
Why is raising children looked down upon?
My sister is a fulltime nurse and her husband stays at home with the children.
They have done this for at least 7years and she is quite successful. She pulls in the bucks.
Raising children and housework bores her.
She is not very maternal.
So, it works for them.
So, how many of you see this position for a man worthy?
Would you, as a man, find it immasculating?
Reply
49.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 16:44

@ jamily
I think the point is you cant have both. You cant both be a CEO and be a mother if you want mentally
balanced and happy children. You have to pick one or the other. Kind of like how I cant pick to not

work or I will wind up on the streets. Life isnt all fun and games and you cant have the dream life,
because its only a dream.
Reply
50.

Lubna

August 6, 2008 at 16:49

Hi gang !

Men in general are not as good child care providers as women are, especially if the

children were in the infancy and the early childhood periodTo me the most adorable and lovely noise
in this world is the noise of an infant crying, while (and I am talking from a personal experience
here ), many men cannot stand such a noise for a long period of time With my love Yours forever,
Lubna
Reply
51.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 16:49

@Steve,
But, that is precisely what I am saying to Vijay.
Yet, it does seem that in some posts, here, that mothering is not seen as a real job, which requires
much mental capacity to do it.
We are sacrificing one career for another.
Somehow parenting (mothering) has been portrayed as an easy and mindless profession which is
devalued.
If my husband was the bread winner and I stayed at home, I would want both of us to see it as an
equitable partnership.
Reply
52.

Vijay Srao

August 6, 2008 at 16:50

On August 6th 1945 in Hiroshima when the Enola Gay dropped Little Boy,did it make a difference
whether women were at work or at home with their kids?
@Robert @jamily5

Last nights female guest was a bit of a witch.

There are countries which provide pre-natal, post natal ,nursery/KG care for their citizens .It all
depends how you want to spend your tax dollars where does you society put its emphasis.Americans
pay federal ,state and local taxes and do not get much for their money and their priorities are
squewed.
@
Reply
53.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 16:50

@ Steve
When you say that you cant have both (be a CEO and a parent) are you referring to single parent
families? I think it is very possible to have an extremely successful career and be a great parent, but
you need the support from your spouse/partner to fill in the gaps for each other. In single parent
families achieving both these things would be much more difficult.
Reply
54.

1430a

August 6, 2008 at 16:52

hello everyone
Quite a controversal topic.
i think human beings are built according their requrements.Therefore there are some works which
women are not capable to do(heavy works) because they are not built with the substance provided to
that particular work.but yes there should be equality between both the sexes especially when the work
can be done by both.the problem with equal pay between men and women is an existing problem in
the mordern world.
thankyou
Reply
55.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 16:54

@ Melanie
Well, if you were wealthy, you could just hire a nanny, and both parents could work. But then youll
have distant children, its not in their best interest, and given that the vast vast majority of men work
and are expected to work and not be stay at home fathers, a woman cant both be a CEO and raise
kids at the same time. she would need someone else to do it like a nanny, and thats not really good
for kids, unless you want your kids to be strangers and never feel very close to you. So again, you
either can be a parent or a CEO, but not both. Passing your kids off to a nanny isnt parenting. Its
delegating the job to someone else.
Reply
56.

Jens

August 6, 2008 at 16:55

is this a seriouse question?

of course women should stay at home prefereably chained to the stove and out of the reach of the
remote control, so that they cannot watch/listen any TV/radio or read newspapers giving them ideas
of developing their own thoughts and actions.
is this a seriouse question?
Reply
57.

Jens

August 6, 2008 at 16:57

Vijay,
look how little americans pay in tax compared to other countries with better socail networks, like
norway, sweden and even switzerland.
as usual you get what you pay for, except for the UK where pay for what you have voted for, a bunch
of buerocrats that line their and their mates pockets.
Reply

58.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 16:57

@Steve
People have to be very careful with the people they marry. Most of my friends would want to work
when they have kids because they dont want to be a typical stay at home mom. I would love to stay
home if I have kids but I would never dream of being married and not working, with no kids.
You always discuss these golddiggers but the men get with these women. You do not seem like the
type of individual that would ever deal with a woman like that, so you dont have to worry about it. I
know several men that are with real golddiggers but they get into the situation and love it while things
are going well. When the relationship turns sour, they become digusted with the women. I know this
guy who is dating this girl and when she met him she said that she only dated athletes or people
involved in illicit activities. She is about to have a kid by this man, who plays professional football. She
is a true gold digger but he doesnt care or cant see it. I dont know whether to feel sorry for him or
not because she is definitely going to take him to the bank and she has said it to people around him.
However when people tell him these things, he thinks they are lying. In a situation like that the man is
responsible for what he gets. I do not think you resemble this person.
Reply
59.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 16:58

@ Steve,
True, A mother or father cant be a CEO and raise their children at the same time. But a PARENT can
(assuming here that there is a partnership). If the parents cover for each other, there is no need for a
nanny, and the parents can still have very successful careers.
Reply
60.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 16:59

@ Jens,

I agree I think the question would have been more effective if phrased does a parent need to stay
at home in order for children to be properly raised? This does not apply to women alone.
Reply
61.

Dictatore Generale Max Maximilian Maximus I

August 6, 2008 at 17:06

Q: Should women stay at home after all?

Preferably yes! If one looks at Nature it is the female which does the mothering or most of the
mothering. In some species both the male & the female share the responsibility of feeding &
protecting the offspring.
For humans and in our current state of thinking and being the concept of a house husband is okay
too!
The KEY point is: Is the welfare of the kid(s) paramount in the minds of the parent(s)? OR is the
lifestyle, parent(s) right to pursue a career, etc. more important?
Based on my personal observation homes which have a stay at home mother have (by and large)
kids who are:
>better behaved,
>more focused on studies,
>emotionally more healthy,
>less alienated etc. etc.
This is what I have observed regardless of race, nationality, religion etc. However, it IS a broad
generalisation and is NOT true for ALL cases.
In traditional societies like India the man is looked upon as the bread winner and usually is. In such
societies the issue of women staying at home becomes more pertinent when the society DOES NOT
have 100% or close to 100% employment for the males (leave aside the question of 100%
employment for all the adults)!

Situation also varies from country to country in terms of the population. For example, Singapore has a
total population of about 3 million plus (not counting the foreigners working here). As such I see that
many or most households have a working mother and father. If this wasnt happening there wouldnt
be enough Singaporeans to fill in the available jobs. The unemployment rate in Singapore is very very
low!
As usual and like most issues it is a very complex issue with elements of feminism, rights, and needs
of the society/the country, ideal environment for the kids and so on.
Reply
62.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 17:06

@ Angela
Sure, in some cases, if its painfully clear shes a golddigger, then yes, he sort of deserves what he
gets. But I know plenty of guys who got married to women with successful, good paying jobs, and
soon after marriage, they decide to quit or work part time, meaning hes supporting her (even with no
kids) and if/when she divorces him, the courts take the lifestyle he provided into account in the
alimony, despite her ability to work and make her own money. If you elevate a womans standard of
living, the courts will punish you for it.
I feel very bad for this one friend of mine who married a foreign woman. He doesnt make much
money, has a government job, but his wife is pestering him to get a higher paying job. She was a
lawyer, but quit to be a teacher (hence the gender pay gap myth), she works only a little bit. My friend
is going to wind up getting a job he hates, having a kid, and getting divorced and having to pay
alimony to a woman who comes from a wealthy family.. She pressures him very much to work in fields
he wont like just to get a bigger paycheck. When he married her, SHE was a lawyer.
Reply
63.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 17:07

@Melanie

I realize that some woman can have a good career and be a good mother. Many times the job or the
career will suffer. I do not think you can have a hugely successful career and spend the quality time
you need to spend with your children, in most jobs. My auntie worked part time while her children
were young and then started working full time when they were in high school. She has had a very
successful career but she had her kids young and my uncle was the bread winner and still is.
Reply
64.

Elias

August 6, 2008 at 17:08

Before World 2 which started in 1939 it was an accepted fact that women stayed at home and men
went to work. Men generally were employed in nearly all industries wether it was TV, radio, factories,
managing offices and the like. The war took men away from their work places and women were
needed to fill their places, especially in armanents factories and other instituitions. Accordingly more
women went to work and from then on it was an accepted fact that both men and women worked so
that the income became two fold, hence they could more afford to meet household expences, as a
result families moved into better houses and afforded a better standard of life. That was all very well,
as a consequence women were more independant met other men and the opposite is true, from then
on more and more devorces resulted with children living with one parent. However a successful
marriage is when a man is working and meeting all expences whilst his wife is content in staying home
with the children which is not often today. On the other hand if a man is not working and his wife is,
so that she alone meets all expences, the marriage is doomed to failure and heads for devorce.
Wether you agree or not this is generally a fact in life.
To make another point in Scandinavian countries where a woman stays at home doing the usual
chores and men work, for some reason or other, men usually tend to be too affecionate with their
children and in many ways mother their children so that his wife gets psycologically depressed and
feels not needed, Scandinavian men are pitching in much to much without knowing it.
Where as before the World War, few devorces resulted. We called this PROGRESS.
Reply
65.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 17:09

@melanie,
The problem is that in most cases, a parent cant always be home.
For most careers to blossom, people usually have to put more than the 8hour day in.
a mother and a father cant both be CEOs of a company and raise their children.
There is just not enough time.
And, there will be times when career clashes with child responsibilities.
If you choose career, then you are putting it first and distancing your children.
If you choose children, then, you are, in effect not putting the effort needed into climbing the ladder.
Parenting is a job, in itself.
There are going to be sacrifices: it is just a matter of who will be making them.
Reply
66.

Shaun in Halifax

August 6, 2008 at 17:11

If the question is SHOULD women stay at home, then my answer is no. It is a CHOICE to be made
and considered by each family.
If the mother feels shed rather stay home and raise her child, then more power to her. If there are
nearby grandparents or immediate family that dont mind looking after the child for a bit before/after
school so the mother can work a little, thats fine too. However we shouldnt force a woman to stay
home. Thats just plain silly.
And on the topics of stay-at-home dads. Its not called Playing Mommy or Mister Nanny its called
Being a Father.
Reply
67.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 17:14

@steve & Angela,

Sounds like your friends would have benefitted from a prenup.
And, it does not have to be as harsh as people make it out to be.

Reply
68.

Jens

August 6, 2008 at 17:17

Elias,
Where do you get the idea that in scandinavian countries woman stay at home???????? thes countries
are some of the most emancipated ones in the world, where equality is much more advanced than say
the usa or uk.
both men and women get time off after the birth of a child.
you must be talking of a different scandinavia than i know
Reply
69.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 17:17

@ Angela,
I agree. I think its important for us all to remember that if one chooses to stay at home or not
advance as far in their career because they are raising a family, this should not be viewed as a
sacrifices (which has a negative connotation). Lets be general for a minute: Ill assume that people
who have children, made the conscious decision to have them and are happy with that choice. If I
were to go without a certain amount of success in my career because I was creating a balanced
environment for my kids, I wouldnt see this as a sacrifice because its something I would want.
Reply
70.

Jens

August 6, 2008 at 17:20

Stve et al,
the discussion of CEO of a comany and beeing a mother is futile. how many ceos are out there?
discussion simpple jobs from working in a supermarket to working as an academic or teacher of
craftswoman makes sense.

i am very well educated and a faculty, but the position of CEO is way out of my reach. lets say real
here.
women can have excellent chances in having a child and a career. i see it in my enviroment. its just a
matter of how much EVERYONE is willing to participate, and yes participation also requires a sacrifice.
Reply
71.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 17:21

@Steve
i remember you referred to this situation before. I think it is bad when you go into a relationship
getting things out in the open. One of my friends is thinking about divorcing her husband because he
wants to change careers, as well. He is an engineer but want to move back home and become a
farmer. She went to school to become a teacher and after they had kids she stopped working, but he
knew all of this before hand. Additionally, my friend has an inheritance that she will lose if she gets a
divorce. Similar to your friends situation, she married him thinking one thing and now he changed. I
think it is selfish for your friends wife to make her husband change jobs. Especially, since she knew
what kind of job he had before she married him. That situation is difficult and hopefully they are able
to resolve it. She married him for better or worse and richer or poorer, she just needs to realize that
she choose to change jobs and not him. If she wants a different lifestyle, she can change jobs.
I hope to continue the conversation but I have to go to a meeting.
Reply
72.

Jonathan

August 6, 2008 at 17:21

Im sure were all tired of me and my pronunciamentos, but I want to commend to the attention of
everyone interested in this topic, or world population, demography, sociology, Europe, or really
anything to do with people or lifestyle, the New York Times article cited in the intro to this page. The
link is the phrase this article, in the last paragraphthe one that begins with Look at Scandinavia.
Amazing. Profound. Huge. Seismic. Thank you!

Reply
73.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 17:22

@Jamily
My friend is not married.
Reply
74.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 17:23

@Shawn,
If you believed the research that says that children do better with one parent at home:
Would you sacrifice to stay at home?
Would you have your partner do it?
Just because I can go out and work, does not mean that I should.
I think that in some ways the:
We have the right,
mentality has made us more self-centered and less understanding of the familys needs.
Reply
75.

Chris Hal

August 6, 2008 at 17:35

We live in a different world now. Families have to do what they need to make a living. What about the
impact of dead beat Dads?
Reply
76.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 17:37

@ Angela
She married him for better or worse and richer or poorer, she just needs to realize that she choose to
change jobs and not him.

Wedding vows have no meaning these days. Most of the 50% plus divorces are due to falling out of
love which are in the vast majority of cases, initiated by the woman. Thats part of the for better or
worse.. Its just an excuse used to get out of a marriage. Vows have no meaning anymore. The
infidelity rates are incredibly high too.
Reply
77.

sp

August 6, 2008 at 17:39

I can only speak from my own experiences. Im only 25 years old, so I can still clearly remember all
those times that my mom was too busy or too tired to attend my schools functions or my lacrosse
games. I often think about those kids who always had their moms with them. They seemed so happy.
But, now that Im older and growing up, I see those same kids sitting around bored and unhappy.
Theyve been so smothered by their parents all their life that now that they have to go out and live
their own, they have no idea what to do. Their social skills are lacking, theyre incompetent, theyre
lazy. This goes for many in my generation but all I hear from most of these smothered kids is I want
it! and Its mine! and Why cant I have a brand new $50k car on my $30k budget?!?
This may not be very helpful to the subject, but I think there is a correlation between these strange
adults and their parents smothering them while they were a child.
Reply
78.

Luz Ma from Mexico

August 6, 2008 at 17:43

I am a full-time working mom in a very demanding job (I am the executive assistant of a Senator). I
am married and have two children (7 years old and 3 years old). I have also been stay at home
mom, full-time student mom, part-time working mom.
In my experience and opinion, the only way that a full-time working mom can manage work and
family life is by having a partner who equally shares family responsibilities with her.
Good family networks and good childcare services also help a lot!

My husband and I have equally share family and domestic responsibilities since we got married (8
years ago). We were both full-time graduate students with small children. Now, we are full-time
working parents. I took time off my studies when my older daughter was born (for 18 months). But
right afterwards I return to my full-time program. I did the same with my second daughter: after she
turned 18 months old I came back to work.
I am very happy with my life. My husband and daughters are very happy. I spent every minute of my
free time with them. I have never missed birthdays, school events, etc. They do not feel neglected.
The clue is: good time management.
Reply
79.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 17:45

@Steve,
you wrote:
Wedding vows have no meaning these days. Most of the 50% plus divorces are due to
falling out of love which are in the vast majority of cases, initiated by the woman.I would agree with
your first statement. Wedding vows are not taken with the same kind of commitment that was
apparent previously.
However, I contest your second statement.
Prove it!
Reply
80.

Anthony

August 6, 2008 at 17:47

If a stay home mom consists of cleaning and cooking, then forget all that!!! Todays woman (my age,
27 and younger)cant compete with the moms of yesterday. They clean-up, but not clean, they can
cook eggs but thats about it.
-Anthony, LA, CA
Reply

81.

Dr.Ajit Joshi

August 6, 2008 at 17:47

In the times when women stayed at home, there was not much she could do in terms of making a
career or helping out the house financially. Women now have the choice and in India ,I have seen
them not only manage the home but also look after a job as well as care for her aging in laws. Women
are blessed with grit and determination and trudge on regardless. It is the men who should adjust to
the faster pace of life and help the women at home. It is the need of our times.
Reply
82.

Trinity, Trinidad and Tobago

August 6, 2008 at 17:48

People look fondly back on the days when Mum was at home and Dad was the sole breadwinner
brining home bacon (mixed metaphor there or just an obsession with food?) When women were at
home diligently cleaning, baking, child-raring and being perfect sex bunnies for their husbands did
anyone stop to ask them if they wanted this? If it made them truly happy?
The reality is that women had little choices in those days about what they could do with their life. It
was expected that they stayed home and raised kids and this may have been ideal for the kids but for
women who may have had greater ambitions I doubt this was the ideal.
The difference today is that women have a say in what they do with their lives; for the most part. If a
woman is in a position, financially, where she can stay at home and happily raise her kids she can
but she does not have to. And maybe women have become more selfish in their decisions choosing to
have a life that is fulfilling outside of the home but this is consequence of educating females and
allowing them to make their own decisions. I am not certain that it is all bad.
I have seen it both ways with my nieces and nephews and I think, honestly, that those being raised by
a full-time mom are better served. But I worry about the emotional health of their Mom sometimes.
So everything has a consequence. Why are women the only ones asked to make this choice? Last I
checked having a kid was a 2-person job (well two sets of DNA are involved anyway).
I am sure that there are many women who would love to stay home but cannot afford to do so and
ont the other hand there ARE many women who can afford to, but would not dream of giving up their
careers for their kids so their kids suffer (and what do we mean by suffer anyway? These kids are not

chained in basements are they?) The reality is that nothing is perfect.

That said I do think that the role of being a housewife is not as highly regarded as is should be.
Whether every woman can find it completely fulfilling is another issue completely.
Just for the record I have a working Mom. My Mom is the smartest person I know and she may have
been borderline.. something psychotic if she was forced to work at home which would not have
benifited me or my six siblings. And in the end we have turned out just fine with two happy working
parents.
Reply
83.

Jens

August 6, 2008 at 17:48

steve,
i have been married for nearly 13 years, no kids. we had in many ways for worse for many reasons,
but always, as yet pulled through, in the hope that the horizon has for better.
my wife often yelled at me in anger that she wanted a divorce, followed by an apology and an offer of
divorce since she was unreasonable. the issue for me is to make her realize that she is an euqual to
me, although I know I am the main bread winner, simply by earning power and not essentially by
choice. for her its hard to come to terms with that, since her scumbag dad treat her like a piece of
dirt, by telling her she is worthless and will only be the property of man.
only after this long she realizes that her income and contribution is as valuable as mine. it is not the
individual dollar amount or work at home that counts but the sum of it. plus she is now doing further
education, which seems to give her a purpouse in life
Reply
84.

Nick in USA

August 6, 2008 at 17:50

@ Jamily
Somehow women staying at home is seen as backward or not fulfilling her full potential.

This is part of our societys skewed perception of success. Contributing to the financial wealth of the
country is considered more worthy than contributing to the mental wealth (wellbeing) of the country.
@ Melanie
In my opinion, its not possible to be both a CEO and a successful parent. Proper parenting requires
constant nurturing, attention, and focus. A CEO needs to dedicate a minimum of 12 hrs./ day to the
company, and if the other parent works full time, there simply arent enough hours in the day to
dedicate to parenting. Not to mention, being a CEO has an incredible amount of external duties, which
occupy a persons free time. Its just not possible.
Reply
85.

Shaun in Halifax

August 6, 2008 at 18:00

@ Jamily
Im unsure what your question relates to re: my previous point Im in favor of having the choice to
stay home or not, but Id rather not have it legislated.
I was thinking in more practical, Real World terms. Here, if the government mandated that at least
one family member MUST stay at home there would be lawsuits up the yin-yang, and everybody
would run to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms screaming it violates my right for freedom of
employment (or something). I was merely trying to frame my response.
Reply
86.

Robert

August 6, 2008 at 18:08

SP
A stay at home Mum doesnt mean that you will be spoiled in future life . If the parent teaches the
child respect and hard work they turn out ok.
My Mum stayed at home but I had to do my chores, I had to manage my pocket money for the whole
week with nothing else and I got disciplined if I stepped out of line. I like to think Ive turned out ok,

worked for all my grown up toys and have yet to ever have to take out anything but a student loan to
pay for my comfortable life.
Reply
87.

Shaun in Halifax

August 6, 2008 at 18:09

@ Melanie
While I disagree with the blanket statements made about CEOs simply CANNOT be good parents I
feel it takes a certain calibre of individual to successfully juggle those two responsibilities. Kudos to
anyone who can.
Reply
88.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 18:09

I dont really see the big deal about this? In all honesty, working sucks. I do it becuase I have to. If I
had the option to not work, I probably wouldnt work. Feminism has been a dissapointment for many
women, becuase now they work jobs they most likely hate. Hence why so many women start leaving
the workforce by their 30s in the west. Most women I know hate working and pretty much all of them
aspire to marry a wealthy guy so they dont have to work. As a male, i dont have that option, but can
you really blame them? Do you enjoy waking up at 6:30Am every day? Sitting in a Aerochair for at
least 8 hours a day? Working on boring things all the time, having to do that for the indefinite future?
Reply
89.

Secouba Dembele, Mali

August 6, 2008 at 18:11

Its not all the Moms fault. Children need more time to socialize; meaning with BOTH parents,
siblings, and peers. Too much time in silenced classrooms, in front of televisions, and playing video
games is robbing our youth of the most important skill: the ability to get along with others.
Reply
90.

Melanie Chassen

August 6, 2008 at 18:19

@ Shaun in Halifax
Many thanks for articulating that as well as you did. I never denied the person would have to be of a
certain calibre to achieve that goal, but I did disagree with the general statement that its just not
possible. Thanks for that.
Reply
91.

Vijay Srao in Chattarnagar India

August 6, 2008 at 18:20

Women in this area tend to work in the home,in fact they are head of the household,in charge
@home,men are head of the family and responsible for things outside the house.the neighbourhood
kids will play with the babies ,it takes a village to raise a childand stuff.
50 miles away in Haryana, women work in the home and also work in the fields,men play cards and
smoke hookah(tobacco water pipe).
Reply
92.

Emmanuel (Brussels)

August 6, 2008 at 18:20

I think the question here is wether or not you consider women and men to be equal.
If you do, then youll agree that this equality can only proceed from freedom of choice, for women,
being the same as for men.
Of course no one is denying the biological shackles inflicted by childbaring, however, it should not be
a social (as well as physical!) burden for a woman that CHOOSES to work ! Any society claiming
equality of rights should offer the infrastuctures (nurseries and so forth) permiting women to have
the same choices as men concerning their careers.
The choice of staying at home or to continue working must be precisely that: a choice not an
constraint due to the lack of alternatives, for both parents.
Reply
93.

Stella J Karavas

August 6, 2008 at 18:21

In answer to your question: Should a woman stay home to raise children?

I believe that although men and woman are equal, we are very different on many levels. Both have
their strengths and weaknesses and areas of expertise. Women have an innate talent for nurturing.
Hence, I do believe that they should be the caregivers. The question in the US is can they afford to
stay home? In most cases they cannot. However, when there is an option, they should stay home.
Please note that affording to stay home does not include upgrades to BMWs and 6000 SF homes. As
Americans we have too many things which requires resources to maintain just observe all the
storage facilities popping up to store all our stuff. After two- three children, daycare is simply not a
cost-effective option either. However, extended family (e.g. grandparents) caring for children is a
wonderful option and would allow a woman to maintain her career and have it all. Hence, if a woman
is capable of keeping on top of her profession while raising her children, she should do so. There are
two very critical time periods that in child rearing The first 6 year window of time that it is critical is
between the ages of 0 and 6 where once the child enters the school system, the woman can pick up
her career where they left off. The second critical period is the teenage years 12 17 where women
should be home afterschool to monitor children, their social interactions, behavior and habits.
I truly believe that the undermining of our society (e.g. crime, deterioration of morals, values) is due
to the break-up of the family in which 70% of the time is the result of financial issues. We put all these
social programs in place to help those less fortunate to help children progress, curb bad behavior
etc..all implemented in teenage years a stage where the damage has been done reversing bad
learned behavior is close to impossible. We fail to see that the real problem lies with the parents and
their parenting. Our government cannot solve this issue. The Economist posted an article that
compared two cultures, one with little to no resources and one with many resources and options at
their disposal. Results strongly indicated that regardless of resources, the family who supported their
children, having expectations, putting education first and investing time resulted in children with a
higher level of education who will ultimately become contributors society.
Parents need to view children as an investment, the more time you devote to this investment, the
higher the returns. It is a long-term investment without a paycheck and rewards are delayed.
However, in the long run they will be self-sufficient, respectable contributors to society eventually

eliminating the need for all these government sponsored programs, lowering our taxes and putting a
parents mind at ease. If you dont believe in making this investment or sacrifice, then you should
reconsider bringing children into the world. Educating our children and teaching them that the ultimate
responsibility lies with the parent is key. Unfortunately in many cases this depends on the level of
education and/or cultural teachings or trends.
Reply
94.

Sonny

August 6, 2008 at 18:24

I am a man who has opted to stay at home and look after my 2 young children (3 and 1 years old).
Giving my wife the chance to study this has worked out well for both of us as Esther, my wife, really
enjoys her studies and I really enjoy my time with the children. I find it interesting and a privilege to
watch them grow and develop. I dont think it matters whether it is a man or a woman staying at
home as long as it is somebody who enjoys it. If working parents leave there children in care its
probably less damaging than staying at home when they are not happy. I dont see my children have
suffered because I have stayed with them and not their mum. They are both very happy and balanced
young girls. I am constantly perplexed because people think only a mother can stay at home and look
after the children.
Reply
95.

Emmanuel (Brussels)

August 6, 2008 at 18:25

Oh and of course that choice should be made considering the interests of the child That is that
parents should face their responsabilities, spend quality (not quantity) time with their children and so
on.
Reply
96.

Alison

August 6, 2008 at 18:26

I think the problem today is the hours required to have a highly successful career. If you are raising a
family, I dont think you should be working 60 hours a week (man or woman). Those people say they

want to provide the best life possible for their kids, but when I was a kid, I would have much rather
had more time with my dad than another toy.
I also remember that when mom was happy, we were all happy. If mom was unhappy, we all were. If
she hadnt had a chance to put her mind and energy into projects outside the home and take a break
from doing laundry and changing diapers, I dont think I would have had a very happy childhood. A
woman should do what she needs to in order to feel fulfilled in her life so that she can make her family
happy. But I dont think going after a career that requires you to be on the road all the time or work
60 hours a week is being a responsible parent.
Reply
97.

Anne

August 6, 2008 at 18:28

@ Steve
Do you think staying at home and looking after babies/children 24/7 is as stimulating as sitting in an
Aerochair for 8 hours a day? I think not. Try it some time. Working may suck but at least you have
adults to talk to and you have other things to talk about besides dirty diapers.
Reply
98.

Jens

August 6, 2008 at 18:30

Sonny,
and how exactly does it work for you to stay at home and your wife to study..
i mean somehow there needs to be some money to be coming in for like food
Reply
99.

Melissa

August 6, 2008 at 18:32

Wow I cant believe all the posts saying that it harms families and children for women to work. I
work and I have two wonderful children who I love. They love me very much. My turn to dig at stay-

at-home Moms many stay-at-homes spend much of their time volunteering, chatting with other
Moms at playgroups, and/or running an in-home business bugging other Moms to spend money on
their products. Also, is it better for a Dad to hardly ever be home or when he is to be consistently
attached to his blackberry??? Children, especially boys, need their fathers as well.
Stop putting down working Moms to justify your own existence.
Reply
100.

Keith

August 6, 2008 at 18:32

I think that not only should women be allowed to work outside the home, they should be encouraged
to do so. I benefitted from having a working mother.
Reply
101.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 18:33

@ Anne. Looking after children doesnt last for 30 years, a career does. kids grow up. How many years
do you think you need to change diapers or watch them before they go off to school at age 6??
Reply
102.

Jens

August 6, 2008 at 18:35

Alison,
this is not the worse thing. many expect you to work 60 hrs on a 40 hr pay.
i do probably 50 hrs, but 10 of them is me being interested in future research directions and i read at
home or play with thoughts on how to do something, while helping out in the house, talk to my wife,
play with the fur-kids. i am not too fond of travelling but it has to be done.
Reply
103.

Luz Ma from Mexico

August 6, 2008 at 18:36

@Sonny
I like your comment. Congratulations on being a staty at home dad and doing it because you want it.
I think that you said it well: If working parents leave there children in care its probably less
damaging than staying at home when they are not happy.
I have met many stay at home moms that hate being at home and their children suffer a lot.
Reply
104.

K. R. Carson

August 6, 2008 at 18:38

I have a friend who is an administrator at a university. Her husband teaches there and they have a
young child. I once asked her about the challenge of all the roles she has to play and she explained
that at one point she learned that she only has about five good hours of mothering a day and begins
to lose her attention span after that. Some women can be full time stay-at-home moms and love it,
but some cant. I would never be able to be a stay-at-home mom and I really value my friend for
being an amazing mother, but also amazing at what she does for her career. Her daughter is an
amazing young lady and has not suffered because her mother works. My friend and her husband have
an amazing community and they all help take care of each others children when needed. I grew up
with a mom who stayed at home until I was fifteen, but I have friends whose working mothers spent
more quality time with them than my stay-at-home mom did. My mom wasnt a bad mom, by any
means, but her being a stay-at-home mom did not cause me to benefit more than my friends with
working moms did.
Reply
105.

John in Salem

August 6, 2008 at 18:40

Question~
Does anyone know do they still have Home Economics classes in schools anymore?
Thinking back on the 60s I remember some of my girlfriends being in what I see now as incredibly
sexist housewife-training where they learned how to cook and sew and budget, etc.
Reply

106.

Anne

August 6, 2008 at 18:45

@ Steve
Being a parent lasts the rest of your life, from the day they are born to the day you die, not to the day
they go to school or stop wearing diapers. A career only lasts 30 years. You never retire from being a
parent.
Reply
107.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 18:45

@ John, I took a home economics class in 6th grade, which was in 1986. Boys and girls learned how
to cook and sew.
Reply
108.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 18:46

Ann,
It does not sound as if you have enjoyed your time in motherhood.
I am sorry for that.
You paint a rather drab picture.
But, the experience does not have to be this way.
Many times mothers get together and talk and socialize so that they do have adult conversations.
There might be times (especially with books on tape) that the mother can read while doing dishes or
laundry.
(Whoops, Anthony, I have just ruined your perception of the ignorant housewife see your post at
4:26 P.M.).:)
Motherhood can be just as fulfilling as a career.
Do I enjoy social work? Yes, without a doubt.

But, motherhood prepared me for such a career and I enjoy it, still.
There is no shame in childrearing!
Reply
109.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 18:49

@Steve
I understand that vows dont really mean that much to most people. However, if you are going to get
married you have to discuss these issues and be sure that you are both in this marriage for the long
haul. I am not sure if everyone is required to go through marriage counseling, or whatever the thing is
called before you get married, but it generally helps decipher whether the individuals are truly ready
to get married and and willing to stick through the long haul.
Reply
110.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 18:50

@ Anne
Being a parent lasts the rest of your life, from the day they are born to the day you die, not to the
day they go to school or stop wearing diapers. A career only lasts 30 years. You never retire from
being a parent.
Children are only dependent and helpless for a very short period of time. Im 33, and believe me, my
parents do not parent me anymore. If anything, I help them out financially now. My parents couldnt
claim they need to stay at home to work. I am an adult. You become an legal adult at 18. 18 year,
even if you had to change diapers until the age of 18, which you dont, thats still shorter than a 30
year career. You techincally are still parents, but you dont actually parent anymore, let alone not work
due to your kids after a certain age. You saying that its justified for a parent to still not work even
though their kids are 25 and 27 and living away from home? Sounds like an excuse not to work to me.
Reply
111.

Alison

August 6, 2008 at 18:56

Jens,
I apologize if you felt I was criticizing your parenting style. It sounds like you are a good father. Just
sharing my experience from childhood of feeling bribed with toys in exchange for time spent together.
Not saying I had a bad childhood, but if I had a chance to do it again, I would sacrifice that stuff he
was buying me for more time together. I think most kids would.
Reply
112.

Shaun in Halifax

August 6, 2008 at 18:56

@ John
I got my home-ec training in Grade 7 and 8. Although they euphamised the term into something
besides home-ec (dont remember off-hand what it is). And I think learning how to iron, sew and
cook (all traditionally things moms do because they looooove you) are valuable skills for everybody
to have. Specially for us bachelors.
Reply
113.

Heather in Texas

August 6, 2008 at 18:57

Im a single mom who works full-time. My daughter gets my full focus when we are together and I am
fully engaged in every aspect of her rearing. She has excellent carecare during the day. At daycare she
has positive experiences beyond what I could give her if we were home together all day.
Ive also taken care of foster children, who recovered, thrived and bloomed in my care, despite the
fact that Im gone at work during the day. Most of those abused and neglected children came to me
from two parent households and homes where a parent stayed at home with them. Simple presence is
not enough. Whats important is the love and nurturing that the children receive from parents and
that does not have to be full-time all day.
Reply
114.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 18:57

@K.R.Carson
My mother stayed at home after I was 10 years old. Most of my friends mothers worked and were
tried when they got off and they allowed their kids to do a lot more than my mother allowed me to do,
which was beneficial because I could not hang out all the time. I am sure my mother would have been
the same way if she would have worked and I know most of my friends parents would have been more
restrictive if their mother stayed home.
Staying at home generally helps during the childs early years. I usually tell the difference when a
parent stays home with the child. As someone stated earlier, kids who have a parent that stays home
are generally more respectful and have a better start when starting school. This occurs when the
parents actually take time to spend with their children.
Reply
115.

Sonny

August 6, 2008 at 19:02

@Jens
I live in Germany and the government has money available to support one parent to stay at home (it
does not matter who) for the childs first two years. My wife also gets student financing. We are not
rich and do not have a lot of money to spare but we are very happy.
Reply
116.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 19:02

@Ann
Everyone would not like to stay at home with their children and do housework but some people enjoy
it. My cousin stays at home with her children and she acknowledges that it is hectic and annoying at
times but she would not get the same enjoyment that she gets from watching her kids grow, change,
and learn anywhere else or from any other job. However, I know several women that need to get away
from their children for a few hours to enjoy their children.

Reply
117.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 19:04

@Steve
Everyone parent is not blessed with a child like yourself. I know many people who are dependent on
their parents until their late 20s.
Reply
118.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 19:14

@ Angela
Parents arent legally obligated to support their kids after the age of 18. If they want to spoil and
enable them, then they can continue to support their kids if their kids are not dependent due to being
irresponsible. Irresponsible could be doing drugs, or willingly going into fields where they cant support
themselves. Ie, getting $100k into debt for a Philosophy degree, then having to live with parents
becuase they only could get a job at starbucks. Its not as bad as being a drug addict, but lifes not fair
and you have to realize you cant do everything you want. I dont know if parents do more harm than
good.
I have a friend, who is 33, that STILL lives with his parents becuase hes never wanted to get a decent
paying job, despite him being highly intelligent, he outsscored me bigtime on the SAT
But in general, the diaper changing period is the first several years You can only use that as an
excuse for only several years. That time period is shorter than a career.
Reply
119.

Dwight in Cleveland

August 6, 2008 at 19:14

I just got finished reading the comments and most of my points were made, many by Steve. I am still
shaken by the whole thing. Thanks Steve for answering Angelas 120 year question. I would only add
that when we moved into the industrial and serviced based economy structure changed, but not

reality. Many of us feel that the best Americans are raised by their family unit. However with that
change, the natural course that would allow for family unit raised children were interrupted. Yet
nothing ever replaced it. Eventually we just accepted that mother should be the one to raise the
children. Then after WWII we just accepted the best way to raise a child is to get rich and buy them
stuff.
I have lucked into a great occupation. It allows me to be home with my little princess for sometimes
weeks on end. I am in the middle of a 6 day hilarious now. My wife works, and I am her major care
taker in those times. It really gets under my wifes skin but that is how things worked out. On the flip
side I have to leave for months on end too. So far so good. My in-laws jokingly sent me and my wife
mothers day cards. We walk through the parks all the time and people stop and tell me how they
have seen me and her walking since she was weeks old. They say they can tell I am a good dad. So
Lubna and others who say dads cant be equally nurturing, I contest. With that thought in mind, I thik
I hear the sound of a poopy diaper calling my name
Reply
120.

Shaun in Halifax

August 6, 2008 at 19:14

@ Angela
Im guilty of that unfortunately though Im only mid-20s.
However my excuse is that Im a full-time university student in a masters program, so that limits the
amount of hours I am able to work during the school year to 10-15 hours a week. If it werent for
parental help, I dont know how Id be able to make ends meet. And its not like I have the
extravagant student lifestyle (read: spending the student loan on booze and drugs) either. Okay,
maybe the odd party favor.
It has been tough to swallow my pride and accept parental help, but I realize how lucky I am to have
parents that are still able to occasionally help me out financially.
Reply
121.

John in Salem

August 6, 2008 at 19:18

Steve/Shaun~
Thats encouraging. The idea was always good but in my day those classes were exclusively female.
Boys couldnt even inquire without being labeled as, well, you know.
Reply
122.

Luz Ma from Mexico

August 6, 2008 at 19:24

@Angela
I have met very spoiled children that have stay at home moms. I have met many well-educated
children who do very well at school that have working moms. So, in my opinion, the problem is bad
parenting, not the amount of time that you spend with your children.
My husband and I have full-time jobs. My older daughter (7 years old) was in the top-ten percentage
of her class the past two academic years. My younger daughter (3 years old) does very well at
daycare, she is very social and outgoing. I rarely get complaints from their teachers about bad
behaivour or performance. What have worked for me and my husband is that we spend all our free
time with them, doing family activities. So afternoons, evenings and weekends are sacred in my
home.
Reply
123.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 19:28

@Shaun
I think it is good that you are saving money and staying at home. I know several people who stayed at
home throughout their undergraduate and graduate degrees. I ccould not stay at home with my
mother and pursue my degree, since it was in a different state. My mother still treats me like I a in
high school when I go home. She beleives you behave a particular way when you are in her house.
Now that I am 25, I still cannot leave my mothers house without telling her where I am going and
when I will return. If I go out, I have to be back home before 1am.

Reply
124.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 19:29

@Steve
If you eventually have kids you will help them out in any way you can, despite their age. If you are
able to.
Reply
125.

Julie P

August 6, 2008 at 19:31

Decisions that two married people concerning whther or not someone will stay home to take care of
the child or children and the house is a decision that they alone can make. If they both decide it is in
their best interest to both work, then they work out arrangements with rearing children. In some
famlies children do remain living at home after the age of 18 for many reasons, to many to discuss.
Being a parent never ends, parents worry about their children, are there for them in bad and good
times, parents go above and beyond the call of duty for their children. When their child hurts, so do
they, when that child is ill, so are they, etc. Its a job to the grave.
Reply
126.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 19:32

@Luz Ma
I realize some people are able to have a career and still raise their kids but most of the time
something suffers. All parents do not take the energy to be involved in their childrens life, especially
when they have been at work all day. However, if you take the time and commit it can work. I still
think it is the exception rather than the rule.
Reply
127.

steve

August 6, 2008 at 19:34

@ Angela
I really hate to cite to movies, but you really should watch the movie Parenthood, starring Steve
Martin. One of the aspects of it was that the father of Steve Martin would spoil his youngest adult son,
and enabled him to get in all sorts of bad situtations by always bailing him out of crises. I think the
father finally learned in the end that he had to stop..
Reply
128.

viola

August 6, 2008 at 19:37

The question assumes every woman who wants to be a mother and stay at home to raise them will
have a man who will happily accept that role. It also assumes that nothing will ever happen to such a
man, such as alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual and emotional liasons with other women, or other
types of happenings or illnesses which will prevent him from fulfilling that role.
If a poll were taken, I wonder how many men would translate Would you want your wife to stay home
to care for the children? as: Do you want to lose your freedom and tie yourself down to one woman
and her children?
Its a complex world and simplistic one size fits all solutions wont work.
Canada
Reply
129.

Shaun in Halifax

August 6, 2008 at 19:40

@ Angela
I completely understand about the frustration with parents, but we have to remember their house,
their rules.
@ Steve

I HAVE a philosophy degree. And Im proud to be able to join one of the oldest disciplines on earth and
to stand on the shoulders of great people like Socrates, Plato, Newton, Kant, Descartes, Nietzsche, the
Dali Lama, Kierkegaard, Hume, Marx and Adam Smith.
Because of my degree I scored in the top quartile on my LSAT. While philosophy doesnt give you
tangible skills like programming or chemistry you develop valuable real world skills like abstract
thinking, debating, logic, critical thought, writing and creativity. If your friends with philosophy
degrees cant find meaningful work, I suspect it is not a deficiency with their degrees, but rather an
inability to sell themselves and the value they bring to an organization.
Reply
130.

Prince Pieray C. P. Odor

August 6, 2008 at 19:41

Mothers should stay at home. Staying at home does not have the literal meaning that feminists have
given to it in order destroy it as a domestic value and gain membership. Staying at home means being
available to the needs of the family home, which include the necessity to keep the house clean and
orderly, and meet the needs of the their children and their husbands.
This means that women may work but the work should be such that they are close to their family
homes and, therefore, they can respond to the needs of their children without having to obtain
permission from any employer who may turn the request down for income and profit reasons and
without having to take a long time to arrive at home.
The duties of women at home are vital for the moral upbringing of children. This means the morality of
the societies outside the family homes and the nation generally. Mothers also have the duty of
moderating and moralising their husbands and helping their husbands cope with the stress of working
and the emotional battery that are received from offices.
It is clear that materialism, consumerism, corruption, violence, criminality and other social and
societal vices have increased since mothers were caused to desert their dignified, honourable, noble
amd respectable duties. It is also true that divorce, dislocations of families, loss of meaning for
marriage, single parenthood, the population of unmarried men and women, gayism, lesbianism, and
individualism have also increased and characterise the emphasis on career for women and mothers.

It is not surprising that women are becoming more corrupt than the men whose attitudes and conduct
or behaviour they ought to and should correct, as we have in Nigeria now and, indeed, all over the
world now. The United Nations established to achieve globalisation for the USA now uses women for
this purpose because of the corruption of women and in order to satisfy the demands of feminists.
Professor Joseph Stiglitz, a Nobel Laureate in Economics, observed the appointment of a woman in
preference to his colleague to be, in my words, based on emotionalism and corruption, his book
titled Globalisation and Its Discontent.
The duty of fathers in families is to work outdoor and provide the money that is necessary for all
feeding, clothing, education, and medical and other needs of their wives and children, and to protect
their wives and children against aggression by men, thieves, and other social nuisance. These duties
are divine, just as the duties of mothers is divine. Fathers are not meant to carry out domestic duties.
But they may do so based on choice or serious need for that; e.g, when their wives are sick. Fathers
also have the duty of correct their children and enforce discipline when children refuse to subject
themselves to the authority of their mothers. Mothers make such childrens unruly attitudes and
behaviour known to their fathers.
The role of women as primarily domestic and the role of men as primarily working outdoors were
established by God as we read in the bible. Its rejection is anti-God, godless, iconoclastic and
irresponsible. Nothing is homogeneous or monolithic in nature. The problem of morality, security and
peace in the societies, the professions and in the international relations and relationships of
governments is rooted in the desertion of the duty of bringing children up morally by their mothers.
This is due to the homogenisation of the duties of fathers and mothers.
Let it be noted that the old saying: When you educate a woman you educate a nation, means that a
woman that is well-brought up gives that to children and the sum of the children of the individual
families of the nation under this situation make the nation educated morally. Mothers who do not have
proper upbringing and are not moral or virtuous cannot give what they do not have.
The claim that when a father dies his wife suffers is due to the fact that feminists destroyed the
traditional system that imposed the duty to care for a dead mans wife and children on siblings of the
man and the close and extended members of their families.

Feminists, as the history of feminism says, was begun by the women who were deviant, immoral,
sexually promiscuous and dissolute. The private capitalists took advantage of their activities to drive
women and mothers to their factories and companies as their slaves to ear them fat, fatter and fatter
profits and wealth.
Women that I have discussed with in Nigeria say that a woman dos not feel fulfiled and responsible
and respectable without a family of husband and children. The unmarried women and the divorced
woman of Nigeria are really in agony but do not have the courage to say it. They are used as things
for the gratification of sexual instinct and lust by men, for whom they are public servants.
Prince Awele Odor
Lagos, Nigeria
Reply
131.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 19:47

@Steve
I completely agree. My mother is having that situation with my brother now. I was independent but
my brother is very dependent. He refuses to get a job although he needs one for various reasons he
caused himself. I told my mother to stop supporting him. All summer he has been at home and has
my mother put gas into his car. He get some money since he is in school and our father died while in
the service but he runs through it each month. He asks me for money when I am home and my
mother the rest of the time. He also had a party at the house over the 4th while my mother was away.
My mother found alcohol, pizza, and other items in the trash can. He told my mother they were from
his friends truck and he didnt have a party. She beleived him. My mother is a perfect example of
someone that jsut cant say no to her son. He is the baby, 19, and despite everything still gives him
money. I went to school out of state and my mother has spent more money on my brother and his
problems than she paid for my tuition, for a year. She always said that she would never be one of
thoise parents but she is.
So you never know what you will do until you get in the situation.

Reply
132.

Angela in Washington D.C.

August 6, 2008 at 19:49

@Shaun
Exactly. If I was able to stay at home with my mother I would have saved so much money. I believe if
you are able to stay at hom then do it.
Reply
133.

Luz Ma from Mexico

August 6, 2008 at 19:55

@Angela
I dont think is the exception. I neither think is the rule.
I could say I am fortunate because finally I have it all (good marriage, good children, good job), but it
was difficult to get to that point. However, my children have never suffered from my decision to pursue
a career. I enjoy working, so when I go home I am full of energy to spend with my children. I also
enjoy playing and talking with my children. I am not the perfect mom, but I think that I am doing very
well so far.
My point is that we should stop labeling working moms as bad moms and stay at home moms as
good moms. As I said before, I have met good mothers that either work or stay at home, and the
opposite. The same goes to fathers. It is about responsability, love and commitment.
Reply
134.

Dwight in Cleveland

August 6, 2008 at 19:59

Another take,
Here in the US the lack of mothers should be approached in the same light that lack of doctors, or
scientist, or other professions are. A stay at home parent could go a long way to curing many of our
societal ills. Less people driving to work everyday cold reduce our national MPG. Prison populations
and crimes will have a reduction according to most psychologist who say a child who had a parent at

home was less likely to commit crimes. That is bound to lead to more educated and dedicated
students. That will surely lead to less dropouts. In the end that will lead to fewer conservatives. Which
will in turn lead to less wars, corporate greed, and self-absorption (my word of the week).
Just think, making it possible for a parent to stay home will encourage world peace. But that will
require a complete overhaul on the perspective of how we compensate our workforce.
Reply
135.

Jens

August 6, 2008 at 20:13

Sonny,
i would be happy as well, if smucks like me are paying for you to stay home and your wife to study.
NEVER FORGET, it is not the goverment who has the money, IT IS THE TAX PAYERS who pay for this.
I am actually appauled by your attitued and quite frankly sickened. I have had no kids because I have
not had a great income and my wife has been studying.
Reply
136.

jamily5

August 6, 2008 at 20:39

After seeing Prince Aweles post, I wonder why mine were sanctioned for length!
Anyway, @luz,
I agree that quality is important.
But, the quantity of time is also quite important.
Is there a term: part time mother, or part time parent?
Many fathers have been repremanded for not giving enough time and energy to their children.
The emotionally unavailable father has been quite a phenomenon since the late 80s. And, at some
point, the career of motherhood and the career outside the home will want the same spot of time.
So, then, the questions become:
Should I choose my career and relegate my children to a carer, minder or nanny?
If I do, How much should this happen?

If it teaches the child independence and self reliance, is this good or premature?
Does it make the child feel as if he/she is not as important as the outside career?
Does it make the child feel a bit insecure?
Is the child either getting into trouble for lack of supervision or not emotionally able to handle the
independence that has been placed on them?
Are the parents placing appropriate responsibility on their children?
Will the mother and child have a good bond?
Should the mother continue with the career because it shows the child that the mother is well rounded
and has a life outside of parenting?
when is the mother being an emotionally unavailable parent?
Who decides how much work is too much?
If I choose my children,
then:
Will I resent my choice?
Will my children feel my resentment?
Am I being too cautious?
Am I limiting myself unnecessarily?
Okay, Ive changed persons from the third to the first.
But, all of these are questions that parents should talk about before deciding who and how much one
should work.
Reply
137.

Jens

August 6, 2008 at 21:35

Prince,
could you please summarize your ramblings. i am really not sure what you want to say.
But let me say one thing. No rights are divine, in my opinion divinity does not exist. rights are grant
on the basis that your rights do not infringe mine and vice versa. thats all its a common bases for
humans to interact with one another. we do not need a god to tell us what is right and what is wrong.

Reply
138.

Pangolin- California

August 6, 2008 at 22:06

Women should stay at home until the youngest child is in secondary school. I used to believe all the
feminist claptrap about equal parenting until I tried it myself. A woman working while her husband is
at home will divorce him eventually. Women will not respect a man who doesnt earn more money
than she does. Children at home without parents are disadvantaged compared to kids who have a
parent at home.
When a woman with children works the kids lose both the mother and the father. The myths of quality
time, equal parenting, and equality in partnerships dont stand up to reality. If you want an equal
partner consider homosexuality.
Reply
139.

Jennifer

August 7, 2008 at 02:05

I think it is ideal for a mother to be able to stay at home with her children if that is her preference but
its not always possible. If it is a two parent household with the other parent (father) in a very well
paying job then its not a problem, but on minimum wage, not possible to pay all the family expenses
so it has to be made up for in some way. In single parent households, its only rational that mom
would have to work.
No matter who decides to work, I think children should share quality time with their parents. There
are still people who think that moms are bad if they dont stay at home with their children, but with
society as it is, its not as harsh of a judgment as it would have been awhile ago. One parent working
does take away from the time that a family spends together when a parent is at work and a child in
daycare or etc.; but it has its advantages. Children should play and socialize with other children and
parents, even though they are working, have some time away from their children.
I grew up in a single parent household. My mom raised my brother and myself pretty much all on her
own. She worked and she went to school. It was extremely hard on her I know because she was often
really tired but she did what she had to do. It would have been so much better if my dad would have

helped her but he did not. I remember when my dad did offer to watch us while my mom was
working; she came home and I had gotten into the flour and chocolate syrup; put it all over myself,
my little brother, and the kitchen floor. It did not go well especially for my little brother who had
seizures. I do believe like Pangolin from CA said; if a woman is the main breadwinner and the man is
not contributing the woman will divorce him eventually.
Reply
140.

Roberto

August 7, 2008 at 03:27

Getting yourself fixed in advance fixes the immediate family problem.

Of course, the nagging problem of who raises the clones would always remain along with all the tacky
neighbors and their unruly brats breaking into cars at night and skipping school during the day whilst
sucking up your property taxes.
Who ever said life was gonna be a thornless rose garden?
Reply
141.

Iris Bason

August 7, 2008 at 03:44

I have read all the posts and again and again, the stay at home position is spoken of in such a
contemptible way, The only work is outside of the home when you earn a wage.
Being a fulltime mom (I am one) is very hard physical work, not to mention emotionally draining. I
cannot call in sick when I am ill, I HAVE to get out of bed and function, whatever. There is no-one who
kindly takes over for me or deals with my duties while I am indisposed I was a P.A. to a C.E.O. in my
respectable days. My husband is off early and comes home late to a clean house, bathed children
and a hot meal in the oven he interacts with them at bedtime, all calm and sweet the yelling,
rounding up and general hard work of getting children homeworked, bathed and ready for bed, done
part of my job which I accept.
I am certainly never bored, looking for something to do, idly chatting with fellow refugees from the
great world of business or running some home operated business. I am flat tack most of the time

with household chores or driving around town dropping off and picking up various children (and their
friends whose parents are borth working what would they do without me I wonder?).
The upside is we eat fresh, prepared from basics, food, no takeaways or instant frozen meals, my
children always have someone to listen to their tales of woe (no matter how boring). I know exactly
where they are, who their friends are and what is expected of them at school there is time to have a
quick chat to the teacher if needs be, when I pick them up. I made a conscious decision to have
children and was prepared to make whatever sacrifices necessary to ensure I give the world a pair of
well mannered, considerate, hard-working, law abiding people who will be a pleasure to have around.
Children are not fashion accessories they are everyones future and I think parents have a
responsibility on this front.
The downside is financial. We have to be careful with money and consider all expenditure on a need
or want basis surely this is a good lesson for children to learn you cannot have everything you set
your heart on or your friends have got, given to you as a sort of right life is not like that, so learning
the lesson early is good, in my opinion. It might also inspire them onwards and upwards to bigger and
better things.
When I worked in an office I was frequently bored by the routine, tired, irritated by the antics of my
colleagues, not to mention my boss who needed a lesson in manners. I had no time to myself, was
constantly at his beck and call (that was what I was paid to do) and frequently had to fill in for one of
my fellow workers who was ill or on holiday absolute hell, two demanding men all at once! I
therefore fail to see why a stay at home mom is considered a demeaning role. When at home,
everything you do is for your own benefit and that of your family.
I suspect that the expectations of living have risen to such an extent that not having it all, now, is
unacceptable, almost an admission of failure. People like myself are therefore thought of as stupid and
oppressed, not doing exactly what others are, that is, doing the job they love and do well, by all
accounts so far! My husband is also not such a fool, he enjoys all the comforts of home with no
domestic burdens he earns the money and I take care of the home that to me is a fair division of
labour he has his area of expertise and I have mine and no, I am not a religious zealot, the roles

could be quite easily reversed the bigger earner stays in work and the other becomes domestic! The
overwhelming aim should be the best possible care and environment for the children.
I do want to make it clear that I understand not all women have the option of staying at home even if
they want to and others prefer office work to domestic chores. I am just tired of having my choice
denigrated again and again I am not stupid just as you do not think you are stupid giving your life
and soul to a faceless company.
By the way, we do have an excellent pre-nup, drawn up by a brilliant lawyer. If my husband decides to
run off with his 22 year old secretary I will not be left destitute and starving nor will he be required to
fund my new life style should I decide to trade him in for a younger model a very expensive initial
exercise but the peace of mind, priceless!!
Reply
142.

parth guragain

August 7, 2008 at 09:32

@nick in USA
THANKS for your response.I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME overview of condition in Nepal.recently a hot
debate is going on in NEPAL regarding conducting miss nepal women are in forefront to not let it
happen.HEre in Nepal who are in showbiz are not regarded good by publi and women have more
disrecpect for them.SO it is women in politics who will decide in which field women should go.which is
a bad thing regarding progession of women .what do you think is these beauty contest helps
progression of women or these contest help in commersiliging women body .on oneside there are
women who doesnt have any human rights and on other side women are restricting freedom of
women.
Reply
143.

Prince Pieray C. P. Odor

August 7, 2008 at 09:33

I took a look at what people have written on the domestic duties of men and women as this is a very
important area of my research into values in Nigeria and I saw two comments on my contribution.

The first comment was posted by Jamily5 who wrote: After reading Prince Aweles post, I wonder why
mine was sanctioned.
Jamily5, I share your feeling and logic. It is a violation of your right and freedom of speech. I have
suffered such violation many times before. I have never had the opportunity to contribute verbally
after many efforts to do so. The person who received my call always demanded that I told her what I
wanted to say first. That is, you would agree with me, uncivilised and amounts to the violation of
transparency, my right not to be censored, and my right and freedom of speech.
I have since given up trying to contribute verbally. I have thought about giving up writing also, but I
have not decided on that yet. In essence, I just write in order to speak to their conscience and I do
not care whether I am posted or not.
They accuse, criticise and condemn governments and people but they are worse than the people that
they accuse, criticise and condemn. So, make your decision.
Jens, another contributor, wrote
Prince,
could you please summarize your ramblings. i am really not sure what you want to say.
But let me say one thing. No rights are divine, in my opinion divinity does not exist. rights are grant
on the basis that your rights do not infringe mine and vice versa. thats all its a common bases for
humans to interact with one another. we do not need a god to tell us what is right and what is wrong.
My response: I took time to cover most of the issues that I have come across in my research into the
issue of man-woman duties in marriages and family life. This is why it was long (Jamily5), but
certainly not a rambling (Jens).
By the way another important issue that I did not deal with is family income if a man loses his job. My
response to that is that employees my government and individuals are now forced or very
weightily influenced to employ women in preference to men and to sack men first in preference to
woman (in Nigeria). Women heads of ministries and personnel managers of companies prefer to
employ not less than 95% women. Women now pride themselves as the bread winners. Therefore ,

men losing jobs and lacking employment are owing to the fact that employment of women has
knocked down and out the employment of men. If women stayed at home men would have more
chances of employment and job security.
The best summery that I can provide now, without being too lengthy, is: Marriage is sacred, being the
only institution that God Himself established and because he forbade interference into marriages by
any one, government, organisation, ideological or philosophical groups, in any may, time and manner,
and for any reason. Refer to: a woman will leave her parents and join her man and they would be
one; and What God has joined together, let no man put asunder .
Therefore married people should live by the laws of God in marriage women to bring up children
morally, keep the house clean, neat and tidy, moderate the attitudes and conduct or behaviour of their
husbands, and provide food for everyone, including themselves. Men should work outdoors, provide
money to their wives for food, provide housing, medical, educational, and other necessities for their
wives and children, and provide security for them also.
Married people should not live by the philosophies, laws, convention, treaties, beliefs, models,
practices, standards, ethics or values of any government, organisation or person. It is anti-God, antireligion, iconoclastic, and anti-marriage for governments, organisations or any person to dictate, make
rules, laws, or conventions for married people or interfere into marriage in any way, manner or form
and at any time.
On the existence or inexistence of God: If there is not God there is no Jeni. If I should repudiate God,
I should repudiate Jeni. Indeed, I should repudiate Jeni even if I uphold God. If Jeni is Godless, I have
a God. If Jeni is irreligious, I am religious. If Jeni lives by feelings and romance, I live by reason, faith,
feelings and logic. If Jeni has no traditions, I have traditions.
It is contradictory to assert: i am really not sure what you want to say; and to assert: But let me
say one thing. No rights are divine, in my opinion divinity does not exist.
Prince Awele Odor
Lagos, Nigeria
Reply

144.

Pangolin- California

August 7, 2008 at 09:54

@ Iris- Try doing all that and being a man. People give you dirty looks and the other mommies wont
talk to you. The pre-nup was a good idea and some sort of amendment to a marriage contract should
be considered before a man ever stays home with the kids.
I was a stay at home dad initially due to a back problem then later due to economics as I was working
on a degree at Univ. As I had a previous incarnation as a sous-chef my children never ate food from a
box. It was three cooked meals from scratch and the farmers market 365 days a year.
As to the importance of caring for children. At some point you are going to look up from a hospital bed
and your life will be dependent upon somebody elses childrearing. You should be very concerned that
that child had everything he or she needed to grow up to be attentive, caring and conscientious.
Reply
145.

A.R.Shams, Pakistan

August 7, 2008 at 11:43

Working women should avoid marriage or mothers should avoid working out full time, especially if
they sincerely care about welfare of the children who are in need of constant monitoring and training
of the ideal mothers to help them grow up as decent personalities of the future.
Reply
146.

jamily5

August 7, 2008 at 12:14

@Iris,
You said it better than my attempts.
I hope all of those WHYSERS come back and read your response.
@Prince,
Agree about sensoring!
Once I sent a post three times, thinking that it was my computer: but, it was my length.
And, I never name-call, etc.

And, I have never been on the show, but I usually cant arrange my schedule for that.
Sorry about your luck, in that regard.
I just assumed that the show producers etc looked for strong debators on both sides of a subject.
Reply
147.

Leo Roverman

August 7, 2008 at 12:56

Look here, this issue about women at home is a bit of a red herring. I am of an age when I can look
back and say wether we did the best we could for our family. I come from a half continental
background where the man is head of the family and the woman is respected as head of the
household. I say that quite deliverately because you can do nothing without the other half. Once you
have a family your own needs go to the bottom of the heap. If you want a lifestyle you will have to
work and that will impinge because its not time for the family. The balance on the other hand is that if
at least one person stays at home you havent got the extra costs of farming out the offspring, but
you dont get the money either. If a new car, 2 hols in Spain a Year and exobrbitant mortgage is what
you want, then youll have to work. They werent important to me. An old car, older clothes were all I
NEEDED. Result two children that were monitored and are balanced people with roughly the right
rpioities. You takes yer Choice as it were.
Reply
148.

Ernest

August 7, 2008 at 15:55

I think the question of whether a woman should stay at home can not be answered with a simple YES
or NO. In my case, I was raised in a home where both parents worked full time. However, they always
found time to listen to our childhood disputes and point us to the right way to live. Although we would
have loved our mother to be there all the time, we knew she had to work if there was to be enough
income to cater for all our needs.
My point is that there is a middle groung in this issue. All family members have to be understanding,
supportive and willing to compromise if the family is to survive. Indeed I would never have wished to
stay at home with a mother who was always sulking about how she would have been happier if she

could go out and pursue her career. Compromise, love, understanding and support, based on every
familys individual circumstances, is the key to happy and successful families -not forcing women to
stay at home.
Ernest, Uganda
Reply
149.

A.R.Shams, Pakistan

August 7, 2008 at 16:55

An ideal mother would never prefer working out leaving home at any situation except in very rare
unavoidable circumstances.
Reply
150.

CARLOS DAVID PELISSARI FRANCA

August 7, 2008 at 21:26

Well, if women do not stay home who should stay? men? At least here, in Brazil, things happen this
way: women go out to work and pay another woman to take care of their houses. We have an old say
in Brazil, trocar o chico pelo Francisco what means something like to change Bob for Robert. After
all, someone has to stay home.
Reply
151.

Iris Bason

August 8, 2008 at 00:10

@ Pangolin: You gave me food for thought. I have seen a group of men standing, usually alone,
outside the school when I pick up my children, generally excluded from the group of mommies. I shall
now make a point of greeting them and, if possible, talking albeit briefly, when I pass by. Cold comfort
I know, but the mommies usually ignore me too as I am really not interested in the latest and
greatest in the world of soap operas, celebrities or body alterations. I prefer to keep myself updated
on world affairs (keep BBC World service on the home and car radio most of the time theres a plug
for them!) All important for talking intelligently to your children! On the food front, I am sure you are
aware as I am, that eating from real, fresh basic supplies is actually cheaper something I am
amazed that a lot of moms do not seem to realise!

@ Jamily5: Thanks for the positive comment.

@ Leo Roverman: Hear, hear!
Reply
152.

A.R.Shams, Pakistan

August 8, 2008 at 19:03

Children whose mothers work out mostly are spoilt drastically.

Reply
153.

wintersmith

September 10, 2008 at 14:24

I dont care how a family divides up the huge work of raising a kid, as long as they produce a
responsible, considerate human being.
Cmon people, whats important here is the result, not the means!
Why would you want to make families you dont even know conform to your own parenting ideas? If
you want to that badly, maybe you should feed em too.
Reply
154.

Rintu

April 10, 2009 at 16:21

Well, Ive read all of your comments but find nothing in support of women should stay at home,
cause I am preparing for a debate competition next week on the topic. can any one help me?
Reply
155.

Kgill

August 17, 2009 at 00:30

I dont see why it should be the woman, but I do think that it is best for families if one person is
home. Staying home is not doing nothing. I stay home. We save a lot of money because Im always
careful to plan household expenditures and I contribute my work so we can save. IE I cut up my own
chickens, make our laundry detergent, take care of chickens and garden, and cook mainly from

scratch. It lets us live a more bio-friendly, healthier lifestyle. My husband has less stress because
mostly he just has to work if something comes up during the day like a need to go on an errand, I
can handle it. Our children seem happy and are healthy. Our animals are too.
Reply

CBS) Look around these days, and you'll find women in positions of real power: a woman at the helm of the National
Security Council, two Supreme Court justices, and female board members of every Fortune 100 company.
It's just as it was supposed to be 40 years after women got in the front door.
But look for the women of the next generation -- the ones everyone assumed would follow in droves behind them,
and you're likely to find many of them walking right back out and staying at home.
Lisa Beattie Frelinghuysen was on her way to the very top of the legal profession. At Stanford Law School, she was
president of the law review. She went to work for a top law firm, and she clerked at the Supreme Court for Ruth
Bader Ginsburg.
But after she had her first baby seven years ago, she left, and never went back. Correspondent Lesley Stahl reports.
"I know myself, and I know that when I'm working at something, I work hard. When I was at the law review, I was
working until midnight every night. And my husband started a surgical residency where he was completely
unavailable," recalls Frelinghuysen.
"I was afraid that if I was working, there would be no parent there with the children. And I wanted to experience
getting to know my children, being there in a consistent way."
She's hardly alone. Every Wednesday morning, a church in suburban Maryland is filled with professional women
who have chosen to step out of the full-time work force to spend time raising children. They have organized a lecture
series for intellectual stimulation.
Tori Hall, a former analyst with the Congressional Budget Office, and Sheilah Eisel, once a top sales representative
for Oracle, come each week. They, along with Ann Geldzahler, a Yale graduate and lawyer, are all stay-at-home
moms.
"The bottom line was, it was an emotional decision not an intellectual one," says Hall. "It doesn't make sense to give
up a great job that pays a lot of money and has a lot of satisfaction for myself, just to walk away from that."
"I think about it for a little, and then I think I just, I love what I'm doing for right now. I do," says Geldzahler.
"I would say the first six months there were days that I had serious doubts, did I make the right decision," says
Eisel. "Now, there's like bumps in the road but I'm very glad that I'm staying at home."
Could it really be that this generation of women, the first to achieve success without having to fight for it, is now
walking away, willingly, and without regrets? Census bureau statistics show a 15 percent increase in the number of
stay-at-home moms in less than 10 years.
Linda Hirshman is a lawyer, philosophy professor, and author. She didn't believe it, until she started researching the
high-powered couples who announced their weddings in The New York Times in 1996.
"The first man I called answered the phone, and I told him what I was doing, and I said, 'Where's your wife?' And
he said 'She's at home in Brooklyn taking care of our daughter.' And it turns out, so are all but 15 percent of the
women I interviewed," says Hirshman. "Eighty-five percent of the women in my sample are staying home either
full-time or part-time."
She's still in the early stages of her research, but the trend has been documented by other studies. And she's
convinced it's going to be the 1950s all over again.

Why does it matter?

"These are the women that would have gone into the jobs that run our world. These were the women who would
eventually have become senators, governors. These women would have been in the pipeline to be CEOs of Fortune
500 companies," says Hirshman.
Frelinghuysen, Amy Cunningham Atkinson and Andrea Hagan are just the potential leaders she's talking about.
Atkinson went to Yale and had a great job as a television producer. Hagan became managing director at a top Wall
Street investment bank after Harvard Business School, where the subject of working moms came up.
"There were panel discussions about work and lifestyle issues, which as a 26-year-old, didn't mean a lot to me,"
recalls Hagan. "Until I had my own child did I realize what a juggling act it was going to be."
Do any of them wake up and say, "I'm June Cleaver. I'm living in the 50s?"
"I don't think we are. I think that's wrong," says Atkinson. "I worked for 20 years after college. And so my
experience in leaving to have children is different than hers. I think I would feel differently about my choice to stay
at home for a few years if I didn't have that experience behind me."
She says she's also different from many in Stahl's generation, who were determined to stick it out no matter what.
These women say they don't feel they have anything to prove. They have been successful, and if they want to take
some time out to be with their kids, why shouldn't they?
"I think there's a lot of focus on what I'm sacrificing by staying home. And what's hard to articulate is how much I
get back," says Hall. "I do it really-- a lot of it is for me. I enjoy seeing and being with my children."
Hirshman fought her way into the workforce, stayed there despite years of male colleagues refusing to eat lunch
with her and raised a daughter, too. She's not an impartial observer. There aren't two sides in the way she sees
things.
"The women that I have interviewed are completely dependent upon the goodwill of their wealthy incomeproducing husbands," says Hirshman. "They chose dependence."
But isn't it their right to choose? "It's different to talk about their right than what's the right decision," says
Hirshman. "As Mark Twain said, 'A man who chooses not to read is just as ignorant as a man who cannot read.'"
"These women are choosing lives in which they do not use their capacity for very complicated work," adds
Hirshman. "They are choosing lives in which they do not use their capacity to deal with very powerful other adults
in the world, which takes a lot of skill. I think there are better lives and worse lives."
"I think the women's rights movement was very much about giving women choices and respecting the many choices
that women make," says Frelinghuysen.
Adds Hall: "I think there's some people with preconceived notions that because I'm at home with my children all
day, I must be preparing husband-delight casserole in a cocktail dress. The mothers groups get together and talk
about Iraq policy."
Hirshman believes that women who remain in the workplace are going to be hurt by the ones who are leaving, that
there'll be a backlash. Graduate schools will stop accepting women, and companies will stop hiring them. Well, first
off, that would be illegal. And second, it's not as if men stay in their jobs forever; they leave all the time.
Harvard Business School did a survey and found that just 38 percent of its female graduates in their child-raising
years were in the workplace full-time. But Kim Clark, dean of the business school, told 60 Minutes the last thing he
wants to do is to stop admitting women. He says companies are going to have to change.
"I've had some friends say, 'It's driving us crazy. Why are they leaving,'" says Stahl. "I've heard that from
businessmen. They're frustrated. They are investing in these women for years."
"They're asking the wrong question," says Clark. "The right question is, how do we change to keep this talent active
and involved with us?"

One of his goals as dean is to convince the business world it's in their interest to come up with creative solutions to
keep women in as Eisel's company tried to do.
"They said, 'Come on back. Work part time. three days a week,'" says Eisel. "This is perfect! And it actually
worked out incredibly well for about three months."
She was supposed to work 30 hours a week, but Eisel says it ended up being more like 40 hours on a slow week, to 50
to 60 hours. She says it really wasn't the part-time situation she had envisioned.
"I couldn't say, 'OK, this is a $3 million deal. I have a mommy-and-me play date right now with the music class. So
sorry, can't come,'" says Eisel, laughing.
She says that working part-time also prevented her from getting top accounts: "I had great accounts, and then I had
a very frank conversation with my manager who said, 'How am I going to give you the top accounts? You're here
three days a week.' And I think part of it was I am there three days a week, but I can handle it."
But could she really handle it? "I couldn't handle many top accounts. But if I had one top account," says Eisel, who
adds that the option was never tried.
"A lot of companies are simply cutting people off. And when they go part time, the part-time stuff is peripheral,"
says Clark. "It's not fulfilling, satisfying. It's not worth it. But I know from my own experience, you can create
meaningful, high content, part time jobs."
Clark points to Angela Crispi, an employee of his who worked part-time for five years. "We changed her job. We
lopped a piece of it off, and restructured a couple of other people, and we created this job. And we kept her."
And they promoted her. She now runs the business school full-time, overseeing 1,000 employees. But what's a
company to do about the women who told us they wouldn't take even the greatest part-time offer? Clark has an
answer for that, too. Let them go, and bring them back later.
But can companies guarantee these employees a job when they get back, even after an extended period of time?
"It all depends on the relationship we have with them during that period of time," says Clark. "Maybe we create a
part-time thing where they're connected and so they continue to learn. It all depends on how we structure it."
Hall and Eisel say they will eventually return to the workplace. "I joke sometimes that this is my retirement now
and then I'll be working till the end of my days," says Hall.
Several of the women Stahl spoke to said that a 40-year full-speed-ahead career with no breaks is something that
only an all-male world would have dreamed up anyway -- and that it's in everyone's interest to make some room for
detours along the way.
"I think that there's a possibility that I won't achieve what I might have achieved if I never left the workforce," says
Frelinghuysen. "It's sad. But it's OK, because I have three wonderful babies that I love. I do think that you make
choices, and with some of those choices, although they may be wonderful choices, something takes a hit."
"What changes if you're out of the workforce for a couple of years? You haven't lost your brain power," says Hagan.
"You haven't lost your organizational abilities. Maybe you've gained some new ones managing at home. I think
people need to be just more open-minded."
"This is a new thing, that women are leaving the work place," adds Atkinson, who left her job as a producer at 60
Minutes. "I think that women like us, who have choices hopefully, we'll be able to make changes. Hopefully,
employers will see that this is happening and that we don't want to lose these great women. Let's make some
changes so that women can work differently."
Stay-at-Home Moms and Keeping Their Identity
Tips for SAHMs to Beat Isolation & the Feeling of Being Overwhelmed

Share Article |

Feb 5, 2010 Annie Tumlin

Stay-at-home moms have a challenging role to play - as a doting mother and loving
wife. Often, their sense of self is left straggling behind, holding on for dear life.

Of course one of the main requirements of being a stay-at-home mom is just that; staying
at home. But when constantly cleaning the same countertops and wiping the same faces,
bottoms, and messes each day, moms can begin to wonder where their actual self comes in.
Stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) can quickly lose sight of their own happiness, causing loss of
identity and sense of self, lowered self-esteem and confidence, and even depression and
anxiety.
To keep a healthy attitude and to be a better mother and wife, SAHMs need to take pride in
their job, take advantage of the many resources available for them, and schedule time for
themselves.

Full Time Mothers Need to Have Pride in Their Job

Ever since the burning of the bras in the seventies, wifely duties like cooking, cleaning,
and taking care of the home have been labeled as degrading to the independence of a
woman. Sadly this thought has been adopted by the masses to the point that some women
feel ashamed to admit they enjoy fetching their husbands slippers after a long day or
seeing the shine from a freshly mopped floor.
The never-ending debate between SAHMs and working moms is as heated as ever with
working moms proclaiming their right to work and questioning why they should spend years
of education only to downgrade to the life of a lonely housewife.
If women choose to stay at home, they need to remember why they wanted to and take
pride in all the responsibilities. Women have a natural instinct to nurture and dote on their
families; it should be embraced and celebrated that she has the ability to make a house a
home.

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There are Many Resources Available for Stay-at-Home Moms

Luckily in this technologically advanced era, women have a world of resources literally at
their fingertips. With social networking sites like Facebook and Cafemom, SAHMs can get
connected with other moms even when they cant get out of the house to appease their
need to be around other women for advice, sharing, and friendship.
Another great thing is the in of celebrity pregnancies; most magazines have articles about
pregnancy, childbirth, and raising kids when only 10 years ago motherhood was not so
graciously explored. There is relief in knowing other moms face the same challenges of
relying on toddlers for daily conversation and anxiously awaiting the garage door opening
for adult time.
Moms at home can find relief in play dates, church groups, the mall play area, and stroller
groups to seek solace from other mothers who have been there, done that. These
activities can ease loneliness, improve identity and confidence, and provide friendships
something moms have a hard time maintaining due to their home responsibilities.

SAHMs Must Schedule Time for Themselves

Typical jobs have scheduled breaks, lunch hours, even paid vacation. Staying at home
provides none of these benefits; unless a mother schedules them herself. Popular TV
talkshow host Dr. Phil McGraw always advises on his show that mothers should not feel
guilty for taking time alone. Not only is it a necessity for her, it is just as important to teach
kids independence and self-reliance.
On his show addressing mothers who have thrown up their hands in the utter rage of
motherhood, Dr. Phil explains that if a mother doesnt have passion and happiness in her
own life, she cant give it to her children. In his Four Step Priority Plan for Mothers, he
warns that a stressed, mentally exhausted, out of balance mother isnt being fair to herself,
husband or kids.

Putting in the extra effort to keep themselves happy, SAHMs can relish in the freedom they
have at home and the blessing to be around full time for their children and husbands.
Women are encouraged to explore the vast array of self-help books and programs for stayat-home moms and to truly take advantage of the help available.
Recommended reading to celebrate the humor in motherhood and find joy in the everyday
stresses:

Happy Housewives (William Morrow, 2005), by Darla Shine

The Girlfriend's Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood (Perigee
Trade, 1997), by Vicki Iovine

Baby Laughs (Plume, 2006), by Jenny McCarthy

Full Time Moms Can Beat Isolation

By focusing on her own happiness and taking "me-time" now and again, a stay-at-home
mom will be granted freedom from feelings of isolation and the overwhelming responsibility
of staying at home all day with her children.
From social networking sites and support groups women can find a place to seek comfort in
the shared SAHM experience. Women must give themselves as much love and attention as
they give their family members, and with a few tweaks to the schedule and a little more
time spent addressing their issues with other moms, a full time mom can maintain her own
identity as a woman, mother, and wife.
A Working Girl Can WinThe case against staying at home
By Meghan O'RourkeUpdated Monday, June 26, 2006, at 4:17 PM ET

with the kids.

Get to work, Linda Hirshman admonished American women in a

polemical article in the American Prospect last December, in which she argued that it's imperative for
women not to "opt out" of employment to stay home with the kids. Only by working, she claimed, can
women can have a fully "flourishing" life. A full-scale assault on Hirshman ensued, from conservatives

and liberals alike. What has riled everyone up isn't just Hirshman's message that only in the work
force will women find fulfillment. It's that Hirshman attacked the sacred cow of the motherhood
debate: the notion that it's a good thing liberated women are allowed to choose whether to work or
stay at homean intellectual paradigm Hirshman dubbed "choice feminism."
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The hostility is understandable. Hirshman's approach is dictatorial, contradictory, and often selfimportant. ("I am not the first to apply the long-standing insights of philosophy to women's lives," she
writes. Uh, thanks.) She claims there's a new epidemic of high-powered women opting out, when
substantial evidence suggests that their drop-out rates have held fairly steady for the past 20 years.
Finally, she challenges not only long-standing assumptions about gender (say, that women are more
suited to domesticity than men), but also our deepest assumptions about freedom: namely, that
having more choices is better than having fewer, and that how we organize our private lives is our own
damn business, thank you very much.

RELATED IN

SLATE

Emily Bazelon explains how Linda Hirshman gets Betty Friedan wrong. In March, Meghan O'Rourke investigated
why feminist wives are reportedly less happy than their traditional counterparts. In 2005, she criticized Lawrence
Summers' comments about innate differences between men and women and followed up here, and Will Saletan
argued that Summers got a bum rap for a silly speech. Finally, why do male traditionalists like to tell young women
how to behave?

Butthough I almost hate to say itburied beneath Hirshman's overblown rhetoric is a useful idea,
now set out in a short book titled Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women of the World: namely, that our
obsession with choice prevents us from asking tough questions about how to achieve further equality.
"Deafened by choice, here's the moral analysis these women never heard," she says: Until there is
more equity in the cultural norms for child-rearing and household tasks, each time a woman decides
to "opt out" she is making a political decision that reinforces an already ingrained social inequality.
Women who believe otherwise suffer from a mixture of false consciousness and impractical idealism.

It's when Hirshman is at her most radicalwhen she sets aside the language of personal fulfillment in
favor of injunctions about the collective goodthat she is at her most valuable. I would never write
this book, but I'm glad somebody did.

Hirshman has several problems with "choice" feminists. Firstand this is what really set the bloggers
offshe thinks that any woman who stays at home is choosing an impoverished life. Staying at home,
Hirshman argues, "allows fewer opportunities for full human flourishing than public spheres like the
market or the government. This less flourishing sphere is not the natural or moral responsibility only
of women." Second, she thinks that the "choices" women actually have are often illusory, shaped by
inequalities in the work force, and circumscribed by a cultural discourse that hammers home the
message that women are failing their children if they don't stay home. Finally, many women choose to
take time off without knowing very much about what impact it will actually have on their futures: A
recent study found that a full 93 percent of "highly qualified" women who have opted out want to find
a way back in and can't. And, according to several studies, women in the United States suffer a 10 to
15 percent dock in future earnings when they have childrena drop that doesn't affect men.
The reason all this matters, Hirshman persuasively argues, is that choice feminism creates a "mutually
reinforcing" cycle. Affluent and well-educated men rarely leave the workforce (and when they do, it's
usually to return to school or start a business); a portion of affluent and well-educated women do opt
out (and when they do, it's almost exclusively to raise children). When these women choose to devote
their skills to childcare rather than to the workplace, they are "perpetuating a mostly male ruling
class"precisely the type unlikely to help make the case for more flexible work arrangements that
would allow more women back into the workforce. The result is disempowering for less-well-off
women, who have fewer public female role models, and for the opt-outers themselves, who find it

hard to re-enter the work place and, if divorced, may have to depend on their husbands for support.
None of this, Hirshman points out, dovetails with the aims of feminism.
It is in forcing us to consider the implications of all this that Hirshman's book is most interesting: If
you are a woman who is committed to gender equality, who doesn't believe that a woman's place is
necessarily in the home, she argues, then you have to think about how your choices shape the
collective good. Her stubborn insistence is refreshing. Unlike others, she is willing to come out and
say, in no uncertain terms, that the luxury of making our own decisions as if they had no larger
implications isn't ethical at this point in time. If that makes feminism unpopular, so be it; but shying
away from persistent inequality by invoking the language of "choice," she observes, is hardly
feminism. If you buy her argument, then even if you find it hard to leave your baby at home, and
even if you find the workplace sometimes less-than-fulfilling, it's importantto society as a whole
that you work. This sounds extreme, but of course it's the lesson every man is taught when he's a
boy: Your responsibility to societythe way to become an adultis to work.
What does this mean in practice? It doesn't mean that America's children are going to go without
mothers. As Hirshman points out, the real debate isn't a choice between two extremes: a life where
neither parent sees the child, or a life where the child has a loving mother. Rather, Hirshman's hardboiled approach to the whole concept of choice cuts through the self-importantand often selfsabotagingidealism that women employ to justify their decisions. One of her best points is that
opting out is usually the culmination of many smaller decisions women make without thinking
strategically. So, she ladles outor, well, demands we takepragmatic advice of the sort that is rarely
provided to young women. She encourages women to tell their male partners before getting married
that they will not quit their jobs to raise children. She advises women to marry only men who will
commit to a 50 percent housework/childrearing division of laboror else to engage in a reproductive
strike, limiting the number of children to one. And she counselsso much for l'amour!that young
women marry only much older men or men who earn less than they do, in order to have more
economic bargaining power.
Whatever the flaws and limitations of this bookand they are very realit's liberating to be told to
think as calculatingly as men do about how to lead your life as a parent and an employee. The essence
of the mommy wars in recent years has been the assumption that the woman who stays at home does
so for selfless reasons, invoking the good of the children, future leaders of our country. But Hirshman
flips the terms of debate, reminding us that women who work aren't being selfish: even 40 years after
the feminist revolution, educated working women, especially those with top-level jobs, are still
pioneers. Women have the right to stick up for their own careers, not just for reasons of personal
fulfillment but for reasons of social necessity. Praising the man who comes home at 6, while worrying

about a mother who has part-time job, is simple sexism. And any mother who sniffily says to another
that she can tell which kids are in day care and which aren't should be "shown the door," as Hirshman
puts it. Until those who care about equality recognize that it will take collective action to create further
change, the kinds of policy amendments most women want to see won't take place, and women will
continue doing 70 percent of the houseworkwhile men continue to do less housework after marriage
than they did as bachelors.
The truth is, most men and women invested in equality do see that cultural norms aren't equal, but
it's hard to set aside the rhetoric of choice. In our late consumerist culture, choice is almost always
thought of as good. It also seems distastefuland, yes, paternalisticto assume that women who
aren't forced to make their decisions are unhappy with them. But if women really do stay in the work
force, even part-time, a few decades from now it may be easier for parents to opt out according to
their personal preferences, rather than their gender. If one parent didn't want to assume the bulk of
the child-care duties, as may well be the case, two could split it. The demand for elastic or part-time
work by men and women alike would lead to more flexible jobs.
Today, "choice" isn't as simple as it sounds and masks a deeper social problem: the difficulty women,
and especially less well-educated womenwho drop out in higher rates--face when trying to get back
into the work force. As irritating as Hirshman's brinksmanship is, her point has a place in the ongoing
debates. If women of the world unite, and get to work, they may flourish more fully in the private and
the public spheres

Table of Contents
Preface vii
Introduction 1
1 The Decision 12
2 The Stay-at-Home Mom's Inner Struggles 36
3 The Naysayers 58
4 How Staying at Home Impacts the Marriage 80
5 How Stay-at-Home Moms Benefit Kids 102
6 Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Changes You 124
7 The Good, the Bad, the Unforgettable 146
8 Great Advice 172
Postscript 197
Post-Postscript 199
Appendix: Dr. Laura's Resources for Stay-at-Home Moms 203

Read an Excerpt
In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms
Chapter One
The Decision
There was a time, long ago, when parents agonized over the sad necessity of finding some sort of child care
due to deaths, financial disasters, and other catastrophes. Under these conditions families often struggled
with feelings of failure, guilt, and loss at having to outsource the warmth of parenting to hired help.
The "greatest generation" isn't limited to those folks who served valiantly at war; it embraces the folks who
worked on the farms and in the factories, toiling at difficult jobs to not only serve their country but provide
for their families. Little mentioned are the women who birthed their babies, raised their kids, and managed
the home and the budget so that there would be food in the family's tummies and clothes on their backs,

taught their children right from wrong, and made sure they washed behind their ears and got to school on
time. In those days there was very little bellyaching about "finding yourself," "time for me," or "what is my
identity?"; women were respected for their commitments and talents, and in spite of hardships, they felt
important to their families and communities.
Just in case you think this is all anachronistic, contemplate this recent letter from a listener:
As I've been thinking and listening to your show, I've realized that our terminology surrounding women who
choose to stay at home with their families has changed. We've become "stay-at-home moms" or, often
negatively, "housewives," rather than "homemakers." My suspicion is that women have coined themselves
SAHMs because they're wanting to be competitive with their "workingmother" counterparts (as if staying at
home isn't working!).
Perhaps we've believed the lie that being a "homemaker" is old-fashioned and therefore irrelevant. However,
I have come to realize that though my primary motivation for spending my days in my home is in fact taking
care of my children, I do much more than that. I spend my days making a home, not just for my children,
but for my husband and myself.
Cleaning and organizing, playing with and teaching my children, shopping and running errands, taking care
of finances, doing laundry, taking care of doctor appointments, communicating with teachers, organizing the
family calendar, cooking meals, and making our home a comfortable, cozy, and welcoming place for us and
our extended family and friends, among other things, is not just being a "stay-at-home mom." I am making
a house a home, and I couldn't be happier with my job.
I have always told women who call my radio show agonizing about their decision and how it might impact
their self-worth that the woman is the soul, spirit, and center of a home.
Then came the Alice Walker types; Walker, revered as a trail-blazing feminist and author who touched the
lives of a generation of women, proclaimed motherhood as about the worst thing that could happen to a
woman. She compared being a mother, raising children, and running a home to slaverythat's right,
slavery! Follow that up with Gloria Steinem's declaration that stay-at-home moms were valueless, and what
young woman in her right mind would choose to become a valueless slave?
Since that time young women have barely given a thought to this sacrifice of personhood, and have sought
independence whatever the cost to their children and marriagesassuming they've even bothered with
marriages, when "shack-up" situations give you the freedom to hit the eject button whenever the mood
strikes. Obviously, women's independence requires children's independence; hence the drive toward kids
being separated from parents and home as early as possible, going into day care or preschool or the care of
nannies or babysitters for up to twenty-four hours in a day, regardless of illness and ferocious tears. GPS
cell-phone combos now enable busy moms to enjoy the fantasy of being wirelessly connected to kids who
are who knows where, and fifty-fifty custody arrangements give moms that career and dating time.
Let's be serious: Who in her right mind would give up all that freedom and opportunity to cook, clean, fold
clothes, and keep children busy all day, and then have to cater to the needs of a husband who saunters
through that front door at night after having a fun day at work? Yipes! When you put it that way . . .
Like Mother, Like Daughter
People generally plan to have households and relationships that run about the same way as their original
family. It therefore shouldn't surprise anyone when the adult daughters of stay-at-home moms (SAHMs)
choose to do the same; after all, it is what they are most familiar with, and therefore what they imagine and
hope they will get the most family support for. For these women, a childhood with a SAHM gave them a
sense of purpose and positive identity with respect to hands-on parenting. They also often describe a sense
of obligation and duty as a mother to be their children's primary caregiver, in spite of an all-too-common
societal perspective that this amounts to servitude.
Those women whose mothers worked generally also intend to work, because their own moms have given
them the idea that being a SAHM is boring and unfulfillinga curious thing to say to your children about
taking care of them, don't you think?
Some women had mothers who offered day care in their own homes so they could stay at home. These
women, having seen with their own eyes how their moms spent more time with those children than their
own parents did, may have decided that they wanted to be the ones raising their own children.
One woman wrote to me of her very own family experiment. It seems her mother was a SAHM while she
was growing up, but then went to school and started to work more and more, so that the writer's younger
sisters got less and less of their mom. She described their lives as being "punctuated with shacking up,
eating disorders, an abusive husband, divorce, poverty and a child born out of wedlock. I got the best of our
mom. Recognizing the difference between our lives, it made me want the best for my future children: a
SAHM."
In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms. Copyright (c) by Dr. Laura Schlessinger . Reprinted by permission of
HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

If I Could Afford Help, I Could Enjoy My Children More

Dr. L: Uh, Bebe do not go after the ball. [Hits golf ball and Bebe stays in the same spot.] Good girl. I'm Dr.
Laura.
Kimberly: And I'm Kimberly Neill and we're here with some of your questions. This is from a mom of two:
"I am a mom of a three year old and a 1 1/2 year old, happily married and living in an East Coast
suburban home."
Dr. L: Okay.
Kimberly: "I feel like all the Moms around me are living the celebrity lifestyle, with huge homes, 2 - 4
kids, and what seems like all the time in the world to go to the gym, and thoroughly enjoy their children."
Dr. L: Pfft. [Laughs]
Kimberly: "They all have some form of help (like a nanny or a babysitter)."
Dr. L: [Says sarcastically] Yeah, they're thoroughly enjoying their children.
Kimberly: Uh huh.
"I find myself saying, 'I wish I could afford some help so I could enjoy my children more.' Am I just thinking
'the grass is greener on the other side' or do I have a legitimate argument?"
Dr. L: You do not have a legitimate argument. In fact, you have a better life than they have. Do you know
how estranged people get when they have all the money, time to do all kinds of things like...
[Bends down to hit a golf ball with golf club] I don't know what I'm doing here, I've never done this before
but somebody said you put your thing...let's see. [Lightly hits the golf ball and it almost reaches the hole.]
Aww! Anyway [laughs]...I don't think this is a game I'm going to get real into.
Uh, no...my heart breaks. After I wrote my latest book In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms, I've got to tell you
how my heart just broke for how many times I got letters from women feeling bad for taking care of their
home, making it their nest, for spending time with their children, their way, with the kids helping with stuff.
For being there when their husbands come home, feeling happy to see them, and all of this. They're
feeling bad about this because they don't realize that ultimately the depth of their lives is what makes

them happy. Not all the frivolous things they get to do. It's the depth that makes one happy. And when my
kid was little I didn't have anything. And I love to tell the stories, but mostly I loved, for example, going to
the back of Target (because I could walk there), putting him into a shopping cart, and I would run around
and then spin it. You know? Didn't cost anything, it was a great ride, it's very expensive to go to all the
"happiest places on earth", you know. So, to me, the "happiest place on earth" was in the back of Target.
Deryk used to get up, "Can we go? Can we go for rides?!" And there was no nanny, there was nothing
fancy, it's just the "cute time". There was a little park we would go to, I would put him on the bicycle
behind me (because we had one car) and we would go to this park and we would get switches (sticks)
and cut off all the little leaves and then walk around, in between the trees, looking for monsters. And he
was my hero; he would save me. A nanny's going to do that?! And what, are they going to report to you
how it happened?
Forget about making the house perfect. Ask any husband...[motions with her finger for the camera to
come closer] ask any husband, "Honey, would you rather, when you came home, I was smiling and felt
sexy for you or the house was perfect?" And you know what you're going to hear? [In a puzzling
voice]"House? Perfect?" [Laughs] "House? What house?" [Laughs] "I don't care." And the women kind of
get compulsive about how things are supposed to look. It's about the 'living it'. It's about the 'tasting every
moment of it'. And you don't do it with nannies, and you don't do it with a bunch of cars, and you don't do
it with any of the fancy stuff.
Now that I'm older, my kid is almost 25, he's in the military...I have time to do all kinds of things. But I tell
ya, I can't wait to be a grandma and take the kid behind Target and 'Whee!' [Makes motion of spinning a
shopping cart] because that's the stuff they remember and so do you. And that's the stuff that matters.
I'm Dr. Laura.
Kimberly: And I'm Kimberly Neill.
Dr. L: And we'll be back with more.
But I've got to try to get this one in [points at golf ball and hole], let me see how I can get this one in. I
just...this is like the second time I've done this. [Hits the ball and it goes past the hole.] And you can tell
I'm not very good at it. But you know what? Perseverance [bends down, picks up the ball and puts it in the
hole] is everything! [Laughs]

II : KEMAJUAN 2001-2005

13.03 Melalui penyertaan yang lebih baik dalam pasaran kerja serta peningkatan

akses dalam pendidikan, wanita telah melibatkan diri dan memberi sumbangan dalam
pelbagai bidang kepada pembangunan negara. Penyertaan dan sumbangan ini dicapai,
antara lain, berikutan perubahan rangka kerja perundangan dan institusi termasuk
pindaan ke atas Perlembagaan Persekutuan, peningkatan keupayaan mendapatkan
pekerjaan melalui pencapaian pendidikan yang lebih tinggi serta pelaksanaan dasar
dan program gender sensitif.
Kependudukan, Tenaga Kerja dan Guna Tenaga
13.04 Penduduk wanita bertambah pada kadar purata 2.5 peratus setahun, iaitu 48.7
peratus daripada jumlah penduduk negara pada tahun 2005, seperti ditunjukkan
dalam Jadual 13-1. Peratusan penduduk wanita dalam kumpulan umur 65 tahun dan
ke atas bertambah daripada 2.1 peratus pada tahun 2000 kepada 2.3 peratus pada
tahun 2005. Pertambahan ini terutamanya disebabkan oleh peningkatan jangka hayat
wanita.
Jadual 13-1 : Struktur Penduduk Mengikut Jantina, 2000-2005

13.05 Wanita merupakan 48 peratus daripada penduduk dalam kumpulan umur

bekerja 15-64 tahun. Dalam tempoh Rancangan, kadar penyertaan tenaga buruh
wanita bertambah daripada 44.7 peratus pada tahun 2000 kepada 45.7 peratus pada
tahun 2005. Bilangan wanita yang bekerja dalam tempoh Rancangan bertambah
daripada 3.3 juta pada tahun 2000 kepada 3.9 juta pada tahun 2005, seperti
ditunjukkan dalam Jadual 13-2. Peratusan guna tenaga wanita daripada jumlah guna
tenaga bertambah daripada 35.6 peratus kepada 36.7 peratus dalam tempoh yang
sama. Penglibatan wanita tertumpu pada sektor pembuatan, perdagangan borong dan
runcit serta pertanian.
13.06 Dari segi struktur pekerjaan, peratusan wanita yang bekerja dalam kumpulan
pekerjaan bergaji tinggi adalah tinggi disebabkan oleh pencapaian yang lebih baik
dalam pendidikan. Peratusan wanita dalam kategori pegawai kanan dan pengurus
meningkat daripada 4.8 peratus pada tahun 2000 kepada 5.4 peratus pada tahun
2005, seperti ditunjukkan dalam Jadual 13-3. Dalam kategori profesional, wanita
terutamanya bekerja sebagai doktor, doktor pergigian, peguam dan arkitek.

Peningkatan yang ketara juga berlaku dalam kategori perkhidmatan dan jualan, iaitu
daripada 13.3 peratus pada tahun 2000 kepada 17.7 peratus pada tahun 2005
manakala jumlah wanita yang bekerja dalam pekerjaan bergaji rendah berkurang,
khususnya dalam kategori operator kilang dan mesin dan pemasang.
Jadual 13-2 : Guna Tenaga Mengikut Jantina & Sektor, 2000-2005

Jadual 13-3 : Guna Tenaga Mengikut Pekerjaan & Sektor, 2000-2005 (%)

Pencapaian Pendidikan
13.07 Kemajuan yang dicapai oleh wanita dalam bidang sosial dan ekonomi
sebahagian besarnya disebabkan wujudnya peluang pendidikan yang sama antara
lelaki dengan wanita. Enrolmen wanita di sekolah rendah dan menengah menunjukkan
nisbah penduduk mengikut gender, iaitu lebih kurang separuh daripada jumlah
enrolmen pada tahun 2005. Pada peringkat matrikulasi dan tingkatan enam, enrolmen

wanita adalah 67 peratus manakala di universiti awam meningkat dengan ketara

daripada 61 peratus pada tahun 2000 kepada 63.4 peratus pada tahun 2005. Walau
bagaimanapun, di peringkat lepasan ijazah hanya 48.8 peratus pelajar wanita yang
melanjutkan pengajian peringkat sarjana dan 35.7 peratus peringkat kedoktoran.
Penyediaan peluang pendidikan yang sama dan mampu dibayar membolehkan
Millennium Development Goal dari segi mencapai kesaksamaan gender dan
penghapusan ketidaksamaan gender dalam pendidikan rendah dan menengah dicapai
pada tahun 2005.
Latihan
13.08 Pelbagai program latihan kemahiran dan keusahawanan dilaksanakan bagi
membolehkan wanita memajukan diri dan mengambil peluang dalam pasaran
pekerjaan. Seramai 3,000 usahawan wanita mendapat manfaat daripada program ini
terutamanya penerima pinjaman Yayasan Tekun Nasional (YTN). Program yang sama
juga dilaksanakan di bawah Program Keusahawanan Majlis Amanah Rakyat (MARA)
yang menyediakan latihan kepada 8,000 wanita. Di samping itu, program latihan
dilaksanakan bagi membantu usahawan wanita menaik taraf perniagaan mereka ke
peringkat enterpris kecil dan sederhana (EKS). Di bawah Program Pembangunan
Keusahawanan Pertanian pula, sebanyak 154 bengkel latihan dikendalikan yang
memanfaatkan 6,328 wanita. Hasil daripada program ini, wanita telah menyertai
industri makanan berasaskan pertanian yang menghasilkan jumlah jualan sebanyak
RM94.1 juta. Pelbagai usaha dilakukan bagi melengkapkan wanita dengan kemahiran
dan pengetahuan dalam teknologi maklumat dan komunikasi (ICT). Program seperti
Internet Desa dan e-Industri Desa juga dilaksanakan.
Bantuan Kewangan
13.09 Dalam tempoh Rancangan, pelbagai skim bantuan kewangan disediakan bagi
memudahkan lebih ramai wanita menjadi usahawan. Di bawah skim YTN, sebanyak
RM200 juta dikeluarkan sebagai pinjaman kepada 46,000 wanita untuk membantu
mereka dalam aktiviti keusahawanan. Skim Mikro Kredit Bank Simpanan Nasional
memberikan pinjaman sebanyak RM446 juta kepada 49,000 usahawan wanita. Melalui
Skim Mikro Kredit di bawah Bank Pertanian Malaysia, sebanyak RM55.9 juta pinjaman
diluluskan kepada 5,600 wanita. Di bawah Skim Bantuan Khas Usahawan Wanita,
sebanyak RM18.5 juta diluluskan kepada 185 usahawan wanita. Pinjaman ini
membantu mereka melibatkan diri dalam perkhidmatan berasaskan teknologi
maklumat, perekabentukan dan pembungkusan produk, penyelidikan dan
pembangunan serta pemasaran. Di samping itu, bagi menggalakkan lebih ramai
wanita menceburi aktiviti berkaitan teknologi seperti reka bentuk, paten dan lakaran
rencana terperinci, Tabung Perolehan Teknologi untuk Wanita (TAF-W) telah
ditubuhkan dengan peruntukan sebanyak RM25 juta.
Taraf Kesihatan
13.10 Wanita memperoleh faedah daripada peningkatan perkhidmatan penjagaan
kesihatan. Dalam tempoh Rancangan, jangka hayat wanita meningkat daripada 75.1
tahun pada tahun 2000 kepada 76.4 tahun pada tahun 2005 berbanding dengan lelaki
daripada 70 tahun kepada 70.6 tahun. Kematian ibu mengandung yang merupakan
petunjuk taraf kesihatan wanita kekal rendah pada 0.3 kematian bagi setiap 1,000
kelahiran hidup.
13.11 Program kesihatan ibu dan kanak-kanak yang bertujuan mengurangkan

mortaliti dan morbiditi di kalangan ibu dan kanak-kanak, meningkatkan penjagaan

kesihatan ibu sebelum dan selepas bersalin serta memberikan pendidikan kesihatan
dan pemakanan telah dilaksanakan. Di samping itu, penekanan diberikan untuk
mendapatkan perkhidmatan kelahiran yang selamat. Hasilnya, kelahiran yang dirawat
oleh kakitangan terlatih meningkat daripada 99 peratus pada tahun 2000 kepada 99.5
peratus pada tahun 2005. Usaha bersepadu yang diambil untuk meluaskan liputan
perkhidmatan penjagaan kesihatan sebelum bersalin membolehkan 77 peratus wanita
mengandung mendapatkan akses bagi perkhidmatan ini. Usaha tersebut menyumbang
kepada pengurangan kadar kematian ibu mengandung setaraf dengan negara maju.
13.12 Menyedari wanita khususnya wanita muda berada dalam kategori berisiko
tinggi dari segi pendedahan kepada human immunodeficiency virus/acquired
immunodeficiency syndrome (HIV/AIDS), penekanan yang lebih diberikan bagi
meningkatkan kesedaran serta menyediakan maklumat dan pendidikan mengenai
bahaya HIV/AIDS. Sungguhpun usaha telah dilakukan, peratusan wanita yang
dijangkiti HIV meningkat daripada 7.9 peratus atau 466 kes daripada jumlah 5,938
kes pada tahun 2001 kepada 11.6 peratus atau 358 kes daripada jumlah 3,089 kes
hingga bulan Jun 2005.
13.13 Peningkatan insiden kanser di kalangan wanita khususnya kanser payu dara
dan servik memberikan implikasi yang serius kepada pesakit serta keluarga. Data
daripada Daftar Kanser Kebangsaan menunjukkan bahawa insiden kanser payu dara
telah meningkat daripada 52.8 peratus bagi setiap 100,000 penduduk pada tahun
2002 kepada 56.8 peratus pada tahun 2005. Memandangkan kanser boleh dirawat jika
dikesan pada peringkat awal, usaha telah diambil bagi menyediakan maklumat dan
pengetahuan kepada wanita mengenai kanser dan rawatannya serta menggalakkan
pemeriksaan kesihatan yang lebih kerap.
13.14 Memandangkan penggalakan dan pencegahan kesihatan penting bagi
memastikan wanita sihat dan kekal sihat, penekanan yang lebih diberi kepada
pelaksanaan pendidikan kesihatan dan program kesedaran. Sehubungan ini, program
Nur Sejahtera diperkenalkan pada tahun 2004 bagi mendidik wanita mengenai
kepentingan pemeriksaan kesihatan yang kerap serta mengamalkan gaya hidup sihat.
Di samping itu, Health Line diperkenalkan pada tahun 2005 bagi menyediakan
maklumat yang menyeluruh dan bersepadu melalui talian mengenai penyakit tidak
berjangkit seperti kanser, kencing manis dan penyakit yang berkaitan dengan jantung.
Langkah ini memperkasa masyarakat khususnya wanita mengenai pentingnya
kesihatan dan pengesanan awal penyakit.
Kemiskinan di Kalangan Wanita
13.15 Pelbagai program ekonomi, sosial dan latihan dilaksanakan oleh Kerajaan dan
NGO bagi mengurangkan insiden kemiskinan di kalangan wanita termasuk ibu tunggal
dan ketua isi rumah wanita. Melalui program berkenaan, insiden kemiskinan di
kalangan ketua isi rumah wanita berkurang daripada 12.5 peratus pada tahun 2002
kepada 11.5 peratus pada tahun 2004. Di bawah Skim Pinjaman Ikhtiar yang
dilaksanakan oleh Amanah Ikhtiar Malaysia (AIM), seramai 67,000 wanita daripada
kumpulan berpendapatan rendah terlibat dalam perusahaan mikro kredit. Wanita di
kawasan luar bandar juga diberi peluang menubuhkan bengkel dan premis gerai
perniagaan bagi memudahkan mereka melibatkan diri dalam perniagaan kecil. Di
samping itu, latihan ICT dilaksanakan bagi meningkatkan produktiviti dan kecekapan
mereka. Skim Khas Ibu Tunggal ditubuhkan oleh AIM pada tahun 2001 membolehkan
ibu tunggal menjalankan aktiviti yang menjanakan pendapatan dengan menyediakan

akses mudah kepada mereka untuk memperoleh bantuan kewangan. Seramai 2,800
ibu tunggal mendapat manfaat daripada skim ini.
Perundangan Sokongan
13.16 Dalam tempoh Rancangan, perundangan sedia ada dikaji semula dan
perundangan baru telah diluluskan bagi melindungi hak dan maruah wanita. Pada
tahun 2001, Perkara 8 (2) Perlembagaan Persekutuan dipinda bagi memasukkan
perkataan gender sebagai satu daripada asas untuk mencegah diskriminasi dan
seterusnya beberapa undang-undang telah dipinda. Mulai tahun 2002, balu kakitangan
Kerajaan telah dibenarkan terus menerima pencen selepas berkahwin semula
manakala pindaan yang sama dibuat ke atas Akta Keselamatan Sosial 1969 pada
tahun 2003. Akta Tanah (Kawasan Penempatan Berkelompok) 1960 telah dipinda pada
tahun 2002 bagi membenarkan isteri peneroka mendapat pemilikan bersama ke atas
tanah yang diberikan kepada suami mereka di bawah skim pembangunan tanah.
Peraturan Imigresen juga dipinda bagi membolehkan lelaki warga asing yang
berkahwin dengan wanita rakyat Malaysia memperbaharu pas lawatan mereka setiap
tahun berbanding dengan tempoh pembaharuan sebelumnya, iaitu antara satu hingga
enam bulan bergantung pada negara asal pemohon. Peruntukan yang sama juga
diberikan kepada wanita warga asing yang berkahwin dengan lelaki rakyat Malaysia
yang telah berpisah atau bercerai.
13.17 Sebagai suri rumah, wanita memainkan peranan terpenting dalam masyarakat.
Menyedari peranan ini dan bagi menjamin kestabilan kewangan wanita pada hari tua,
suami boleh membuat sumbangan pendapatan mereka kepada akaun isteri melalui
skim sumbangan pekerja persendirian di bawah Kumpulan Wang Simpanan Pekerja
(KWSP).
13.18 Pelbagai usaha dilaksanakan bagi memastikan penyeragaman dalam
penghakiman kes berhubung Undang-Undang Keluarga Islam di semua negeri. Dalam
tempoh Rancangan, 11 negeri dan Wilayah Persekutuan Kuala Lumpur, Labuan dan
Putrajaya telah menerima model yang seragam. Di samping itu, pelaksanaan dan
pemantauan yang cekap dan berkesan juga dilaksanakan bagi undang-undang dan
penghakiman berkaitan isu keluarga seperti perceraian dan nafkah kepada bekas
isteri. Sehubungan ini, bahagian khas bagi penyelarasan dan penguatkuasaan undangundang telah ditubuhkan di Jabatan Kemajuan Islam Malaysia (JAKIM).
Keganasan Terhadap Wanita
13.19 Dalam tempoh Rancangan, usaha diambil bagi membendung peningkatan
bilangan kes keganasan terhadap wanita. Di samping mengkaji semula perundangan
sedia ada dan memperkenalkan perundangan baru, program pencegahan dan
pemulihan juga dilaksanakan. Sejumlah 43 program yang dilaksanakan telah memberi
manfaat kepada 45,000 peserta. Kempen Wanita Menentang Keganasan (WAVE)
peringkat kebangsaan dilancarkan pada tahun 2002 bagi meningkatkan kesedaran
terhadap keganasan rumah tangga. Di samping itu, persatuan sukarela WAVE
ditubuhkan di semua negeri. Latihan diberikan dan maklumat disampaikan kepada ahli
persatuan untuk mengenal pasti penderaan dan rawatan kepada mangsa. Seramai 300
sukarelawan dilatih dan ditempatkan di pusat khidmat masyarakat, hospital dan
rumah perlindungan.
Jentera Nasional untuk Kemajuan Wanita

13.20 Kerajaan, sektor swasta dan NGO telah bekerjasama untuk meningkatkan taraf
wanita serta memastikan kerjasama dan penyelarasan yang lebih berkesan dalam
melaksanakan aktiviti bagi kaum wanita dan keluarga mereka. Dalam tempoh
Rancangan, Kementerian Pembangunan Wanita, Keluarga dan Masyarakat ditubuhkan
bagi menangani isu berkaitan wanita secara bersepadu. Sehubungan ini, Majlis
Penasihat Wanita Negara disusun semula dan keahliannya ditambah bagi
membolehkan pertukaran pandangan, percambahan idea dan maklumat mengenai isu
wanita yang lebih baik. Di samping itu, majlis pembangunan wanita dan keluarga telah
ditubuhkan di peringkat negeri serta di setiap kawasan parlimen bagi mewujudkan
jalinan dengan wanita di peringkat akar umbi.
13.21 Bagi memperkukuh lagi jentera nasional dan meningkatkan keberkesanannya,
Jawatankuasa Kabinet bagi Kesaksamaan Gender ditubuhkan pada tahun 2004 untuk
menyediakan hala tuju dasar dan memantau aktiviti berkaitan dengan pembangunan
wanita dan keluarga. Pegawai tumpuan untuk urusan gender telah dilantik di semua
kementerian dan agensi bagi memastikan perspektif gender disepadukan dalam usaha
penggubalan dasar dan pelaksanaan program serta penghapusan segala bentuk
diskriminasi terhadap wanita. Di samping itu, projek perintis bagi memasukkan
perspektif gender dalam proses belanjawan negara dilaksanakan di lima kementerian.
Bagi memastikan pengumpulan dan penyusunan data mengikut gender secara
bersistem, sistem maklumat mengikut gender juga telah dibangunkan untuk
memudahkan analisis. Menyedari pentingnya peranan wanita dalam pembangunan
negara, Kerajaan bersetuju menetapkan kuota sekurang-kurangnya 30 peratus wanita
memegang jawatan di peringkat pembuat dasar dalam sektor awam. Sehubungan ini,
sektor swasta dan NGO juga digalakkan untuk meningkatkan bilangan wanita di
peringkat pengurusan dan jawatan utama.
13.22 Memandangkan peranan NGO penting dalam melengkapkan usaha Kerajaan
membantu wanita dan keluarga, kursus bina upaya dilaksanakan untuk meningkatkan
kemahiran kepemimpinan, pentadbiran, perancangan dan pengurusan kewangan di
kalangan ahli. Di samping itu, sejumlah RM56.7 juta diagihkan kepada 550 NGO dan
majlis pembangunan wanita dan keluarga di peringkat negeri bagi melaksanakan
aktiviti dan program untuk wanita dan keluarga.
Penglibatan di Peringkat Antarabangsa
13.23 Dalam tempoh Rancangan, Kerajaan menunjukkan komitmen bagi
mempertahankan hak dan maruah wanita di peringkat antarabangsa. Malaysia terlibat
secara aktif dalam pelbagai mesyuarat dan inisiatif di peringkat serantau dan
antarabangsa. Komitmen ini termasuk Mesyuarat Menteri-Menteri Wanita APEC,
Jawatankuasa ASEAN Mengenai Wanita dan Suruhanjaya Mengenai Taraf Wanita di
Pertubuhan Bangsa-Bangsa Bersatu. Melalui rancangan dua hala, Malaysia terus
membangkitkan isu gender dan berkongsi pengalaman dalam meningkatkan taraf
wanita.
13.24 Selaku pengerusi Pergerakan Negara-Negara Berkecuali (NAM), Malaysia
mengambil inisiatif memasukkan isu berkaitan wanita sebagai sebahagian daripada
agenda NAM. Sehubungan ini, Malaysia telah menjadi tuan rumah Mesyuarat Peringkat
Menteri NAM Mengenai Pembangunan Wanita yang pertama pada tahun 2005.
Mesyuarat tersebut mengesahkan Deklarasi Putrajaya dan Program Tindakan
Mengenai Pembangunan Wanita dalam Negara Anggota NAM. Hasil Mesyuarat ini
antaranya ialah penubuhan Pusat Pembangunan Gender NAM di Kuala Lumpur.

Copyright 2005. All rights reserved

Three out of four Malaysian women indulge in retail therapy

By: (Fri, 25 Jul 2008)

KUALA LUMPUR (July 25, 2008): Six out of 10 Malaysian women say they are happy with
their lives. But it never hurts to shop.
A survey by global market research company Synovate showed that three quarters of
respondents admitted to indulging in shopping therapy, and also that they shopped for
bargains. But they do not splurge: the average expenditure on this "habit" is RM180 a
month.
The survey covered consumer attitudes on shopping and involved a sample of 1,000 women
aged from 15 to 64, across all income levels.
"Malaysian women spend an average of RM180 each month on shopping or 17% of their
monthly income, but what really stood out was the fact that Malaysian women hold back
most of their income for savings, which is timely given the current economic situation," said
Synovate managing director Steve Murphy.
What's good to hear for the men is that nearly half of the respondents could afford to pay
for what they wanted without sticking out their palms to their partners or husbands.
And who are the most financially independent? The survey put the women of Hong Kong
highest at 87% followed by the Chinese (75%) and Singaporeans (74%).
Most Malaysian women feel they have an equal partnership with their spouses with more
than two thirds (68%) having an equal say in the purchase of big-ticket items like houses
and cars. But again, Hongkong and Chinese women hold sway in this area.
So why do women like shopping so much? The survey said:
> Half of Malaysian women regard it as a fun-filled activity.
> Half of them say want to treat themselves to something special now and then.
> Seeking quality. 64% say they would pay for quality.
> Protecting environment. Nearly half say they will pay more for environmentally friendly
products.

--- end ---

Najib: No gender-bias approach to employment

Wednesday, 24 February 2010 07:34AM

The Star (Used by permission)

SIBU: Employment into the public sector will be determined by market forces, said Prime Minister Datuk
Seri Najib Tun
Razak.
He believed the trend where there was more women than men in the public sector would continue into the
future
because female undergraduates out-number the males in universities.
The criterion to join the public sector does not involve the gender issue, but more on the ability to meet
the expectations
of the Government and the public, he said after ending his visit to the state yesterday.
In Bentong, Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil said if
a survey was
conducted at the workplace, it would show that the productivity of women were equally as effective as the
mens.
In Petaling Jaya, Wanita MCA and Wanita Gerakan expressed disgust over the gender-biased statement
by Cuepacs
secretary-general Ahmad Shah Mohd Zin, who complained about the upward trend of female employees
in the civil
service.
Wanita MCA chairman Datin Paduka Chew Mei Fun said the condescending statement by Ahmad Shah
showed
disrespect for women and their contributions to nation-building.
Wanita Gerakan deputy chief Ng Siew Lai said it was better to find ways to encourage more males into
the public
workforce.
On another matter, Najib said the Government had agreed to exhume the remains of the 22 Iban warriors
who died
fighting the communist insurgency in the 1970s in the peninsula.
Tan Sri Abdul Taib Mahmud had agreed to allocate a site for the burial.
The Malaysian Bar

Women who stay at home and love it!

Ebony, Nov, 1996

1
2

Next

Do young girls still dream of sun-kissed kitchens with the smell of fresh baked cookies add
the sounds of their children's laughter drifting through the air? It's a safe bet that they do.
But they dream of running major corporations with the sounds of stock market ticker tape
clicking in the background, too.
There was a time when large numbers of women attended universities and colleges
primarily to find good husbands -i.e., men who earned enough money to support their
families without their wives' help. Back then, married women, and society, expected wives

to stay at home, nurture their families and volunteer their time to civic, social and
community activities.
Then the Women's Movement - followed by high inflation and high unemployment rates ushered in new expectations. In the '90s, most young girls anticipate that they, like their
mothers before them, will bring home the dough and bake it.
Nevertheless, there are women who stay at home and love it - and they haven't been
dragged there kicking and screaming in protest. They are home by choice, with the support
of their husbands and despite societal expectations to the contrary.
Some of these women decided they would buck societal trends and never work outside their
homes. Some stay-home to care for older or disabled relatives. Most are full-time moms
who stay at home with their children.
Among the women who have made these choices are Harvard University graduate Mattie
McFadden-Lawson, Atty. Toi Treister, former office worker Talese Dickson, and former store
clerk Bernadette RamseyRamsey-Nolan, for example, and her husband, Mario Nolan, decided that once they began
their family, she would stop working outside their home. For three years, the Chicago couple
worked and saved in order to make their plans a reality. After Ramsey-Nolan's daughter
Sarah was born a year ago, her husband, an Evanston, Ill., firefighter and paramedic,
became his family's primary breadwinner.
"I really do feel fortunate," she says. "I feel it's a privilege to be a parent and to have the
choice of staying at home with Sarah. A lot of people can't afford it. A lot of people don't
enjoy it."
As a result of their decision, the Nolans maintain what some would consider a modest
lifestyle. In order to save money, Ramsey-Nolan has covered their furniture with new
slipcovers, and she sews some of her family's clothes. Their home isn't decked out in
expensive furnishings and their walls aren't covered with elaborate artwork, but it is a warm
and cozy abode brimming with good vibrations.
"It's just a joy watching her grow and teaching her different things," says Ramsey-Nolan,
"and seeing new things that she does on her own."
Many women opt to stay at home because they want to be primarily responsible for molding
their offspring. Other women recognize the benefits to their children but worry about

permanently derailing their careers and losing sight of their hard-earned self-identity. But
women can avoid those pitfalls, says Mattie McFadden-Lawson, if they remain focused on
their personal goals and work on their self-development.
"Never just come home and sit," she advises. "Always have goals for yourself. If your goal is
to be home, then fine - be the best mom or the best person you can be at home. If your
goal is to be home until your children are a certain age and then return to work, that's
fine.... If you're home and you have goals, you can still achieve them. It's just a function of
staying on the path to accomplish them."
McFadden-Lawson talks a lot about delayed gratification, and she knows from experience
what she's talking about. A graduate of Harvard's John F. Kennedy School of Government,
she obtained a degree in public administration before her children were born. And she has
worked on Capitol Hill and as an international investment banking officer in New York City.
Now, she and her husband, Michael Lawson, live in Los Angeles with their two sons, Michael
Jr., 10, and Jonathan, 5. An attorney, her husband is a partner in a law firm.
Explaining why she didn't return to work after Michael Jr. began school, Mattie says: "I
wanted to make sure that I was aware of what was going on at his school and that I was
actively involved with the school. I donated my time there, and I was very much a part of
his educational community."
Staying at home also has allowed McFadden-Lawson to volunteer some of her time to the
political campaigns of Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif). It was work that connected her to the
community and allowed her to have control over her schedule. Finally, this year she realized
a long-standing personal goal when she enrolled in law school.
"I really feel that your destiny will take you where you need to be," says McFadden-Lawson,
"as long as you stay on the right path. But so many of us get off the path because we give
up. I have been very comfortable at home. I have not been one of those mothers who really
dreaded it. I got a chance to meet a lot of people. I got a chance to make a lot of friends
and to also get some great experience. It's been very worthwhile, and I'm just very pleased
with how everything turned out."
Women who stay at home and love it!
Ebony, Nov, 1996

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Talese and Victor Dickson of Olympia Fields, Ill., decided five years ago that she would leave
her 9-to-5 job and stay at home. With Dickson away at work most of the day and her
husband, a vice president of sales for a major telecommunications corporation, frequently
out of town, quality time math the children was often limited. And the couple did not like the
idea of entrusting the care of their children, Jacquea, 18, Makensi, 10, and Darien, 11, to a
stranger. Those feelings intensified two years ago when Brianna was born.
"You always hear about the day-care centers," say's Dickson, "and we did not want them in
an environment that may be dangerous for them. I just strongly believe in giving my kids
attention and affection, and I didn't feel they would get that in any kind of daycare service I
may have put them in."
Like the Dicksons, Dana and Toi Treister have made financial sacrifices so that she call care
for their offspring full-time. "I think you can tell someone who's watching your kids how you
want them raised," says Toi Treister, "but when push comes to shove, you can't really
reinforce that if you're not there every day."
Treister, an attorney, gave up a full-time law practice to stay at home with her 1-year-old
daughter, Olivia, and her newborn daughter, Natalie. She still works with a few clients from
the family's home in Pasadena, Calif., but her husband, Atty. Dana Treister, is the family's
major breadwinner.
The couples featured here are among what many parents would consider the fortunate few.
Most mothers, and fathers for that matter, would love to have at least one parent at home
minding the kids. What working couple hasn't wished for an at-home parent when faced
with the choice of staying home with a sick child or going into the office to attend an
important meeting?
Ten months ago, the Treisters were in a similar predicament. Both were managing
demanding careers, and they were placing the majority of Olivia's care in the hands of a
nanny. "With commute time and everything," says Toi Treister, "we were looking at probably
15 hours a day - at least - that we weren't at home with Olivia. We had an in-home
caretaker whom we trusted, but it just didn't seem light after a while."
Staying at home isn't a choice that every woman can - or wants to - make. But many, like
these women, love being at home and wouldn't have it any other way.