Fifty Books by Mark Baumer

Fifty Books
the time I wrote fifty books in a year
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
providence rhode island
fifty books
a book about a boy with one good lip

a book about the emotional animal within all of us
a book about the global struggle for dead milk
a book about the soft cheese that had a cold heart
a book about the man living inside of a zoo elephant
a book about the trauma of eating a celebrity
a book about a girl who was too big for childhood
a book about what it feels like to cry with your brain
a book about the person that hurt their keyboard
a book about the adverse effects of dying
a book about the toad that thought it was a giant baby
a book about the corporate structures nephew
a book about the first time i ate lunch
a book about the stress of being an adult poop
a book about the man who lived inside his sons
a book about the girl who was lucky to have feet
a book about a weather ballon on saturn
a book about someone who did something
a book about the mouse eggs i bought at radioshack
a book about the girl who said, bless you, after she yawned
a book about the people who tried but couldnt
a book about the guy in court who had pee on his butt
a book about the computer made of yarn and cheese
a book about a milk that drank an infant
a book about the remote control inside my ability to love
a book about the money inside my bank account that i cant touch
a book about the beeping noise at the end of that movie
a book about the blind cats that needed money because they were ugly and poor
a book about the thing i forgot
a book about only being thirty percent married
a book about soup broth that liked to wear scarves
a book about the lamp that slept in a water bed
a book about how to put a boot in a ship made of teeth
a book about the powerful mold rainbow
a book about how to nourish the unborn desires of thought
a book about the guy with two crossbows
a book about the day i died and left America
a book about the artificial growth inside my childhood that tried to smile
a book about the the last eleven presidents of the united states
a book about the bad man who was not good at math
a book about when my butt dried after i got pee on it
a book about when i thought my butt was dry but it wasnt
a book about the ornament that is nice and licks me
a book about how the books keep getting worse and worse
a book about the time i swallowed my spit
a book about the shrimp implants that live in my eyebrows
a book about the man who got a face job with his face
a book about the movie that was almost over maybe
a book about the sequel to the movie that was almost over maybe
After I finished doing grad school I got really

unemployed so I had to max out all my credit cards.
When my credit cards were done being maxed out I
was homeless because the sublet I was using ended and
I didnt have enough money to live anywhere else. The
day before I was officially homeless, I asked the internet
for fifty thousand dollars so I could write fifty novels
and live the rest of my life for free, but not enough
people on the internet wanted to give me money. They
all knew I just wanted to use it to live for free. I didnt
get any money. Despite everything going terribly
wrong with my life, things were pretty good. This girl I
met in grad school really loved me and she probably
would have fixed everything if her mother didnt get a
broken leg. After her mother broke her leg she couldnt
help me because she was too busy pushing her mother
around in a wheelbarrow. The first night I was alone
with myself after I moved out of the sublet I slept in
one of the classrooms where I used to do grad school.
It was sort of painful, but when I woke up I was not
dead which felt good and I think I just walked around
all day by myself. Then when it got to be night again I
continued walking around until I found a couch
3
without any snowflakes on it. I dont know if it was

legal to sleep on this couch, but I did it and the whole
night whenever the couch complained I told it to shut
up because I was a bad man. The next night I found an
entire mattress in an old mill. I slept on that mattress so
good I almost never woke up. I probably could have
moved back in with my parents. They were still capable
of loving and supporting me even though I generally
resembled an adult in every form besides maybe my
breath, but I decided not to move back home.
Something deep inside of me said, If you move back
home youll end up spending the rest of your life
yelling at your dad for spreading the bananas on your
toast wrong. Just about the time I was ready to give up
being homeless and maybe try swimming to Europe,
some lady I had never met accidentally called my phone
and asked if I wanted to assemble medical supplies. I
pretended my only desire in life was assembling medical
supplies.The lady on the phone told me where to go so
I could begin assembling medical supplies. I was ten
minutes late to the medical factory, but they needed
workers really bad so they let me in and no one even
said anything about my crooked eyelid that had gotten
4
bent out of shape from being homeless. I dont really

know what everyone thought of me at this time in my
life. It was probably not entirely obvious I was not
sleeping in real places every night because thankfully I
had found an abandoned gender neutral bathroom
where I was able to shower every morning. Money was
becoming a bigger and bigger issue in my life because
even though I now had a job all the money was still
really scared of the insides of my pockets. It took over
two weeks of working at the medical factory before the
first coins began to drip into my bank account. Luckily
the failures of my life made me feel both insanely happy
and massively depressed. Everyone who has never been
successful will tell you this is the winning combination
for remaining unsuccessful. Luckily, I wasnt the only
unsuccessful person alive on earth at that moment. In
fact, I was one of twenty temp workers doing medical
assembly line work. Each of us all made the same
medical inhaler over and over and over.The facility was
behind schedule so were asked to work twelve hour
days from six a.m. to six p.m. After a few weeks of being
homeless and working fulltime, I got tired of being
homeless so I borrowed a hundred dollars from the girl
5
who was busy pushing around her mom in a

wheelbarrow and I found a room that only cost a
hundred dollars a week. I had three roommates. They
were all collecting disability from the government. One
of them was blind and never left his room. Another
wore a bathrobe. His pockets were full of old cigarettes.
The third one thought my name was Greg. All three
of them (even the blind one) had eighty-inch flat screen
televisions in their rooms which they were renting
from a nearby electronics store. I did my best not to die
while living in this apartment filled with almost nothing
except televisions and second-hand smoke. Often,
while sitting on the assembly line making medical
inhalers twelve hours a day, I thought about all the
books I would write if I wasnt on an assembly line
making medical inhalers twelve hours a day. Sometimes
I would think, If only the internet had given me fiftythousand dollars I would not have to do my life like this
because I could be living for free. In my third week at
the inhaler factory I got a call from the university
where I had done grad school. The person calling
worked in the university library. She asked if I wanted
to come in for an interview. I was sort of confused why
6
she was calling me, but I vaguely remembered applying

for a job in the library six months earlier. Despite all the
issues I was dealing with in my life, I was hopeful about
this job interview, but before I became homeless I
threw out most of my good clothes. For the interview
I had to rent a suit. The medical factory didnt like
workers taking time off so on the day of the interview
I told the medical factory manager I had a brain injury
and had to go to the doctor. The suit I rented sort of fit
good enough that it wasnt obvious I didnt own it. I
put the suit on in a gas station and then walked three
miles from the medical factory to the university library.
The interview went well because I didnt talk about
how I was homeless or how I currently worked in a
medical inhaler factory and instead talked about how
good I was at using computers. After the interview, I
took off the suit, walked back to the medical factory,
and told the manager my brain was fixed. Life was sort
of normal after that. Each week I made a little more
money. Life mostly consisted of working long hours at
the medical factory and sleeping. Sometimes I tried to
read or write, but mostly I just made medical inhalers
on an assembly line which was okay because my bank
7
account learned how to breathe again. I used some of

the inhaler money to rent a new room in an apartment
with a guy named Sean. When I told the roommate
in the smoking robe I was moving out, he tried to
throw his flat screen television at me, but instead he
breathed too hard and his tooth fell out. The day after I
moved into the new room, the manager at the medical
factory told all the temp workers we were no longer
needed because they now had made too many inhalers.
I was without a job. I began wondering if I would soon
have to be homeless again. I didnt tell Sean about the
medical factory job ending. Instead, I woke up early
every morning and went to a coffee shop where I sat all
day and tried to write fifty books. I think I was trying
too hard to write fifty books at once because I couldnt
even manage to write one. I had never written a book
before so most of the books I tried writing were
actually just practice for writing real books. In my
opinion, practicing to write books is more fun than
writing real books.Two weeks later, I got a call from the
university library. They said, Well give you money if
you sit in an office eight hours a day for the rest of your
life. I guess they never found out I was homeless or
8
maybe they had and were being nice. Part of me figured

I would start the library job, abandon the fifty books
idea, and work at the library until I died which seemed
like an okay way to live the rest of my life, but people
at the library heard about the fifty book project
somehow and kept asking me if I had written the fifty
books yet. I got tired of making excuses. It felt
embarrassing. Around the beginning of June, I decided
I would wake up early before work and write a book
each day. After I decided this, I woke up the next
morning and wrote a book.That night after work, I did
the layout for the book and uploaded it on the internet.
Then the next day I wrote another book and did the
layout and uploaded that one on the internet. Its pretty
cool we live in a world where someone can literally
publish a new book every single day. So yeah, I basically
wrote a book every day or so. Sometimes I would feel
myself trying to create something that would take years
to finish before I would remember I didnt have years
to finish the thing I was trying to create. There were
some weeks when I only wrote and published one
book. Still, it seemed likely I would write and publish
all fifty books by the end of the year. Around the end of
9
September I had written and published thirty books. I

was feeling a little burnt out. I decided not to write or
publish any books in the month of October. When
November rolled around I got a little nervous and
began writing books again. On December 9, 2012 I
published the fiftieth book.They were all for sale on the
internet. Each one had its own ISBN. I think I waited
until the end of the year to announce I had completed
the project. A few websites wrote about. I cant
remember what happened next. It sort of wasnt a very
big deal. The books didnt feel real. It was just a relief
not having to deal with questions about whether or not
I would complete the project. I cant quite remember
what else happened in my life. In 2013 I moved out of
the apartment I shared with Sean. At my new
apartment I got bed bugs which ended up being a nice
life experience, but at the time it was psychologically
devastating. After I got rid of everything I owned, I
moved into an illegal mill artist studio. I lived there
about a year. Then about eight months ago I bought a
house which is strange. Since grad school, Ive gone
from being homeless to owning a home. Anyway, its
2015. I still work at the library. I will probably work at
10
the library until Im dead unless sales from this threethousand-page book take off and make me rich. Who
knows?
11
12
The Boy With One Good

Lip
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
THE BOY WITH ONE GOOD LIP

This book was written on June 2nd 2012, but it was born
and copyrighted in 1983 when the world was born. It is being
published by a boy with one good lip. Some of his business
friends are powered by kittens.
There is no introduction to this book except for whatever is
on this page.
This edition was published in 2012 by
The Boy With One Good Lip
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
If this book had a telephone its number would be:
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
If this book had some Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data it would look like this:
Baumer, Mark James, 1983-(still living).
[words. english. one good lip. tokiyo. creamy boss. blueberry scones.]
The boy with one good lip / by Mark baumer ;
60+pgs., 1.3 cm., estimated reading time about a half hour.
Originally published by a guy who once met Norman Mailer on planet Jupiter four-hundred billion years ago.
ISBN-13: 978-0615652962 (printed on paper)
ISBN-10: 0615652964
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I heard everyone in
Nebraska yelled too much and their lips fell off. 3. Everything in this book is true. 4. Almost 7.6 million years ago, a
swan pooped a baby.
Printed in the United States of America on paper.
June 2012
[insert
an image of a raindrop that

was swallowed by a dinosaur who was
pretending to be a whale thirty billion years
before the sun developed its first package of
armpit cheese]
15
The glass of milk that had been

waiting to be pressed on a good
lip for two years developed its own
lips and began working for a nonprofit that helped raise money for
people who wanted to sing, but
whose lungs were not the correct
temperature and therefore could
not keep their lips moist.
16
[insert
an image of an idea that will exist

tomorrow but not the day after tomorrow]
17
Everyone in the world moved

to Nashville because they were
selling algebra lessons for less than
a nickel.
18
[insert a button that when pressed can solve
all the problems associated with non-good

lips and also allow people to understand
every thought that has ever existed in the
world]
19
The boy with one good lip

worked for a creamy boss. Every
week, instead of giving his
employees paychecks, the creamy
boss gave them small slips of paper
that said, Good work boy.
20
[insert images of an abundance of spiritual
thoughts that were turned into crabs who

didnt know how to breathe underwater
so they bought houses in the suburbs and
dressed up like mommies]
21
The boy with one good lip was

sitting on a couch. The couch was
not safe. He climbed off the couch
and crouched under it until all
the innovative ideas in the world
killed off all of the raindrops that
used to live on earth. When the
last raindrop had evaporated the
boy with one good lip turned
into a branch that removed itself
from the face of a man who drew
the words oak daddy on his
forehead.
22
[insert a man who is smiling because he is

rubbing his lucky jar of salsa]
23
The one good lip began to scream

at all the other lips in the world.
It was upset because most of the
other lips in the world werent
doing anything. The one good lip
said,All my friends have faces but
their mouths are vulgar. The one
good lip was so upset at everyone
that it fell out of an apple tree
even though it wasnt anywhere
near an apple tree before it began
falling.
24
[insert an image of a guy who likes to make

cookies in his bed sheets]
25
A guy whose hair had been

replaced by lips was hired to
give a motivational speech. He
told everyone to gather all their
leftover face muscles and mail
them to pleasure spots on their
bodies.
26
[insert
a police siren that just wants to be

hugged by a popsicle]
27
The empty space where the other

lip was supposed to exist had been
replaced by a purple crayon that
was stolen from a third grade
teacher who had maxed out all of
the schools credit cards.
28
[insert
a bottle of shampoo for people

to rub on their faces if they cant afford
shampoo]
29
The good lip was tired of being a

good lip. It bought a leather jacket
and wore it while it kicked a hole
in his neighbors drum set.
30
[insert
a picture of a man with two large

lips playing with some kind of intergalactic
sword]
31
The boy with one good lip asked

a man with three thousand lips
where he got all his lips. The man
with three thousand lips pulled
back his entire face to reveal an
eyeball that was raining tears
on a hairy steak sandwich that
was eating a toucan that had
been scalped by some rain forest
diamond eaters.
32
[insert an image of an ant eating an entire

donut]
33
One of the lips on the boy with

one good lip remembered a vague
memory that wasnt quite accurate
and had been cluttered with nonphysical lip theory devices.
34
[insert
an image of a commercial that has

paused to wash its face]
35
The boy with one good lip began

eating almonds even though
his one good lip was allergic
to almonds. He pretended the
almonds were donuts. He ate
forty-thousand almonds. Later,
when he was an elderly man and
had to be taken care of by a younger
version of himself, his diarrhea was
filled with piles of completely intact
almonds that were repackaged and
sold at a local supermarket.
36
[insert
an image that is amazed by the

naivety and sophistication of all questions]
37
The lip that was not connected

to the boy with one good lip said,
Every power lip in the history of
mouths has made more mistakes
than every man who ever named
his child Wendy.
38
[insert an image of a guy pressing a piece of

corduroy salsa on his lips]
39

a girl with two underprivileged
lips if her lips had gone to college.
Her lips said college was too
expensive.The boy with one good
lip showed the girl the pigeon he
kept in his bad lip.The girl pressed
her lips on the pigeon.
40
[insert an image of a woman teaching her

fathers map how to breathe]
41
Two boys were waiting for

someone to press their finger on
them, and not stop pressing their
finger on them until the boys
eventually ended up in a beautiful
place that was a mysterious
battlefield that existed in every
part of the world that had not yet
been visited by the boys.
42
[insert an image of a guy organizing his life

so his life mimicked the shape of a plant]
43
The good lung looked at the

barcode on the other lung and
said, I feel like the only thing
missing in my life is an ability to
provoke, instigate, and discover
new thoughts inside my own
body.
44
[insert
an image of a guy with feathers

growing above his lips]
45
Insert a vague idea that isnt really

connected with anything else in
this book, but will have resonance
because of the readers thoughts
will connect these vague ideas to
the vague pieces in their own life.
46
[insert an image that is simple and has not

grown hair in any of its unattractive areas]
47
Last year, the creamy boss stopped

having ideas. He spent his entire
day doing a single pushup. The
first thing he did when he woke
up was begin his daily pushup.
He did not go back to bed until
he finished the pushup. It usually
took him nineteen hours to
complete the pushup.
48
[insert an image of a dinosaur the size of a

raindrop that lives in a box of sun pretzels]
49
A glass of milk shrugged for

two years. For the majority of
these years the lips on this glass
of milk were moist. The lungs
at the bottom of the glass of milk
developed a strong bond with
a woman named Tokiyo. She
leased a luxury automobile. Once
Tokiyo had been filled with bad
posture. Her doctor told her to buy
a neck brace for her lips. Tokiyo
bought a vacation in the Adirondack
Mountains. While she was hiking she
learned how to have ideas that her life

would be interested in creating. When
she got home her doctor told her that
the cancer in her lips had gotten worse.
Tokiyo bought some milk lungs because she
thought they were goldfish. The cancer in
her lips spread until one day she had an idea
of how to eliminate the cancer in her lips.
She began to work on eliminating the cancer
in her lips. A few hours later she didnt have
cancer in her lips. People were very interested in
her ideas. She sold some of her ideas so she could

buy neck braces for people who didnt have lips.
Sometimes the ideas she sold rarely helped people
eliminate the cancer in their lips. People failed to
understand that Tokiyo had eliminated the cancer, not
by having an idea, but by deciding that she was going to
use this idea to eliminate the cancer in her lips.
50
[insert an image of an image that has never

had an idea]
51
In Tokiyo, Oklahoma there are

over
fourteen-hundred-billion
unemployed human resource
employees who spend all day
rubbing the loose eyeball beneath
their good lip on the corner of
their local volcano while they
pray for someone to teach them
new systems of algebra.
52
[insert an image of a guy who likes to make

wet police sirens in other peoples beds]
53
A boy inserted a bottle of

shampoo in his lip. The boy
was six years old. The bottle of
shampoo developed a fungus. The
boy drew on the fungus with a
purple crayon. A doctor took the
crayon away from the boy and
ate it. The fungus began to giggle
because it had developed lips
underneath its boobs.
54
[insert an image of a guy playing the drums
even though he doesnt have any lips or

arms]
55

the ant eating an entire donut if
it remembered what it felt like
on the day it was born. The ant
nodded and then gave birth to a
new donut that it began to eat.
56
[insert
an image of an almond eating

someone who laughed at another almond
who farted and got an erection while it was
being eaten]
57
The boy with one good lip was

eating the trickles of sweat that
dripped off his face. Each piece
of sweat tasted like a donut. He
thought, The simple thing that
separates successful lips from
unsuccessful lips is the same thing
that separates good lips from
being stagnant and becoming
dying forms of human skin.
58
[insert an image of someone pressing a

button on the inside of their brain that
has never been pressed and has never
learned how to grow lips so it can talk
to the other lips inside this brain]
59

bought a restaurant and fed his
creamy boss until all the other
people that were creamy could
no longer put anything in their
stomachs eyeball.
60
[insert images of the boy with one good lip
feeling depressed because the only girl that

would press herself on his one good lip was
made of butter and she melted forty years
before the boy with one good lip was born]
61

was sitting on the ninth most
important discovery of the
modern business world. His good
lip was not safe. He climbed inside
his own lip and pretended he was
aware the he could be educated
by connecting to a consistent and
reliable asset that would provide
productive
and
well-priced
solutions to the situation that
made the boy with one good lip
climb inside his own lip.
62
[insert
a smiling jar of lucky salsa that is

getting rubbed by a man filled with walrus
teeth]
63
The one good lip fell out of a tree

filled with lips. The limb with all
the good lips broke. The boy with
one good lip caught his lip before
it fell on the ground. He was scared.
He thought the police would shoot
him because his one good lip had
broken the tree limb with all the good
lips. The boy with one good lip dug a
hole inside the leftover butter that he

dated in high school. The hole was not big
enough for the broken limb. The boy with
one good lip rented a van. It was thanksgiving.

People were buying extra lips so they could
eat more. Everyone went insane because the tree
with all the good lips was missing a branch. The
boy with one good lip soaked the tree limb in
an orchard of pigeons and tried to swallow it. He
could not swallow it.
64
[insert
images of people behaving like

beverages that failed to get into prestigious
colleges]
65
The man inside the boy who did

not understand male sexuality
said, We have to send our kids
to a developed production of the
local sun beverage or my behavior
will get poor test scores. It does
not seem like my babies know
how to talk to other babies.
66
[insert
an image of a child looking at an

eleven-year-old named Pam]
67
The reflection of the spilled

beverage glittered on the chair
next to the local sunset. Most
of the other chairs were at the
dance club. The man who owned
the dance club worried about
his future. His hat fell off and he
smiled. The receding parts of his
brain told him to father some
rosebushes. He took off all his
jackets. He was only wearing a
bowtie.
68
[insert an
image]
image that used to not be an
69
A boy with one good lip crawled

out of the tip of the bowtie. This
boy was not wearing a bowtie.
The man who owned the dance
club broke a chair and tried to eat
it.
70
[insert
an image that limps when it talks

about its own concrete]
71
The boy with one good lip looked

at the room full of strange men.
Most of the men were playing
with the boys crippled lip. One
of the strange men had a goldfish
in his left eyeball socket instead
of a pupil. The boy with one
good lip was named Handsome
Mysterious
Battlefield
of
Intelligent Beauty, but everyone
called him Tokiyo.
72
[insert an image of a square scratching the

eyebrow cloud]
73
A red car parked in the room full

of strange men. All the strange
men turned to fishies and were
loaded into the red cars trunk.
The driver of the red car asked
Tokiyo if he wanted to sell his
good lip. Tokiyo sold his lip to
the man driving the red car even
though the man driving the red
car already had two good lips.
Tokiyo no longer had any good
lips. The man driving the red car
had three good lips.
74
[insert an image of a bird that is nesting in

the beard of an airplane as it sinks to the
bottom of the birds invisible creamy lips]
75
For many years Tokiyo lived a

normal life. His face matured.
Some of his facial hair sometimes
hid his lipless face.
76
[insert
an image of a guy whose face is

holding his friends walruss teeth because
his friends hands are too shriveled to hold
his own walruss teeth]
77
Tokiyo wandered the city until

he got a fever. There was no one
left in the world who knew how
to cure fevers. Tokiyo peeled off
what was left of his face and said,
My face would have never even
been born if I hadnt glued that
one good lip to my stomach. The
city buildings all relocated to the
country. Everyone stopped wearing
clothes. Major conflicts were
happening near the ocean. Tokiyo

pressed his fingers on his tender
almond pouch. He could hear foods he
had eaten months ago continue to cough
on his secondary organs. A baby began to
grow in the empty parts of Tokiyos face

where the good lip used to live. The baby
was shaped like a centipede. The insect baby

on Tokiyos face ate all the dandelions left in
his beard. The baby was smaller than the smallest
woman inside the grocery store where limes were
born. Tokiyo could hear his body turning into a
stale dance club.
78
The Emotional Animal Within All of Us

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
THE EMOTIONAL ANIMAL WITHIN ALL OF US

This book was written on June 4th and 5th 2012, but it was
born and copyrighted in 1983 when a penguin stole my mother and impregnated my father with a kitten.
The Emotional Animal Within All of Us
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
You can call this book on the telephone:
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. emotional animals. penguins. juicy boy.
drip boss.]
The Emotional Animal Lives in a Crab / by Mark baumer ;
60+pgs., 1.3 cm., estimated reading time about 14 yrs.
Originally published by a living dove I once bought from a
man too tired to sell me his yawn sweat.
ISBN-10: 0615653995
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. At night, all the emotional animals in my eyelids like to rub their armpits on my
brain. 3. Everyone should believe everything. 4. On my last
birthday, one billion years ago, a marmalade cracker wiped
his cream on my friends butt crack.
June 2012
81
There is an emotional animal in all of us. It

has three legs. The toe on its third leg does
not look like a toe. It looks like a toy giraffe.
The toy giraffe has a secretary. Her name
is mittens. Business people will probably
be interested in becoming friends with the
secretary named mittens who lives on the
toy giraffe that is really a toe on the third leg
of your emotional animal.
82
The emotional animal in everyone was born

from a consciousness which exists inside
all humans who somehow evolved from
inorganic dead materials on a planet inside a
universe that was created from nothing.
83
Not only do humans have eyeballs and

feelings, but the emotional animals inside
humans also have eyeballs and feelings.
84
A famous doctor once imagined that the

emotional animal inside of him was a swan.
He spent the majority of his research years
asking his colleagues if their emotional
animals were swans too. Slowly, he began
to understand that none of his colleagues
or anyone hed ever met had a swan as an
emotional animal inside them. He thought
about publishing his findings in a book
titled All the feelings Ive ever felt live
inside the only swan thats ever lived inside
my emotions, but instead he decided that
everyones emotional animal is a unique
creature that is not similar to anything else
on earth and that his emotional animal
wasnt actually a swan but was a living,
breathing, emotional object similar to what
he would have been if he had dressed up
like a swan for halloween when he was six
years old.
85
Throughout recorded history, men and

women have tried very hard to smell the
emotional animal in each other.
86
The fundamental question we must ask all

emotional animals is whether or not they
also have emotional animals inside them.
87
88
I subscribe to the theory that all emotional

animals have emotional animals inside of
them. Each emotional animal inside of us is
filled with an infinite number of emotional
animals.
89
In a dream once, I was holding my emotional

animal in my hand because it was a grapefruit.
I began to peel the grapefruit. There was a
grapefruit inside this grapefruit. I peeled the
grapefruit that was inside the grapefruit.
There was another grapefruit. I peeled this
new grapefruit. I continued to find more
grapefruits. I spent the remainder of this
dreams existence finding new grapefruits
inside grapefruits. After thirty billion years
of peeling grapefruits inside grapefruits I
finally asked one of the grapefruits if there
was an end to the grapefruits. The emotional
animal in the form of a grapefruit that I was
holding said, Its probably all grapefruits
from here on out.
90
After a person becomes aware of their

emotional animal it is difficult to imagine
ever living life without an emotional animal
which in itself is one of the fundamental
reasons why it is so important to be aware
of our emotional animals.
91
In addition to the emotional animals that

live inside all of us, there are unemotional
pieces of lint that get wedged into creases of
our heart muscle.
92
It is impossible to describe the physical

shape and color of your emotional animal
to someone else.
93
Throughout history its been generally

accepted that humans would be worse off as
a species if they did not have consciousness,
but I would like to argue that if humans
evolved to a point where they never had
to think again then our emotional animals
would probably naturally learn to exist
outside of our bodies and in general humans
would be more emotionally happy because
their emotional animals would be physical
objects that they could hug and kiss.
94
95
Even though there are an infinite number

of emotional animals inside of me they do
not have the ability to exist forever. With
every new thought I create, large numbers
of emotional animals die, mutate, and run
away while this new thought Ive created
gives birth to an infinite number of its own
emotional animals that will someday die,
mutate, or run away.
96
As an exercise, I turned into a goldfish and

experienced my entire life as if I was a gold
fish.
97
In the prehistoric age that ended at some

point last night, humans used to sell their
emotional animals to other people.
98
The concept of an emotional animal exists

beyond the field of science because I learned
how to do math inside a school built out of
fried chicken.
99
The soap residue on the ceiling of the

bathroom inside my toy giraffes secretarys
apartment has developed a form of stomach
cancer that eats emotional animals.
100
For a long time, I ate a pile of leaves every

thanksgiving because my emotional animal
told me it wished it lived inside a boy that
lived inside an oak trees emotional animal.
101
102
It is possible that humans will never be able

to understand their own emotional animals
because their emotional animals are too
complex. This is not a criticism of humans.
Very few machines or systems understand
themselves. Computers do not have the
ability to recognize the nature of their
buttons. The basketball offensive system
known as the triangle does not realize
that it is a group of sweaty men who are
trying to defeat another group of sweaty
men. I once had a computer who thought it
was a piece of carrot cake that I had found
wedged in the armpit of a rusty swan. The
triangle offensive basketball system believes
it is a mustache on the face of an american
general whose emotional animal is a lima
bean that practices Buddhism.
103
Scientists will never comprehend even the

daily routines of an emotional animal, let
alone the sophisticated general needs of
its consciousness and its inner desire to eat
every thought that has ever existed inside
humans.
104
The emotional animal inside the secretary

named mittens who works for the toy
giraffe that exists in the toe of the third leg
of everyones emotional animal thinks its a
butterfly.
105
My emotional animal emailed me today and

said, Thank you for letting everyone put
their ice cream in my hair. I bought an ice
cream comb from a guy wearing a hat. He
said the comb has a limited warranty. I am
going to meet him at the circus tonight. He
said he was going to give me an elephant the
size of a kernel of popcorn.
106
An ape the size of a cubic millimeter crawled

out from the mouth of my toy giraffes
flamingo girlfriend.
107
I rented an automaton from the local

pharmacy when the emotional animal inside
of me went on vacation.
108
109
The fruit flies that gave birth to the tiny

dinosaur that lives inside my urethra are
capable of fairly sophisticated behaviors.They
understand the pleasure I experienced when
I discovered an electron in the crusted piece
of milk I found at the bottom of something
that looked like the deepest canyon in the
world, but was really my emotional animal
dressed up like a fluorescent disco melon.
110
First thing to remember about emotional

animals is that they have a large amount of
brain tissue in their armpits. Second thing
to remember is that the vivid taste of their
existence cannot be swallowed. Third, and
most important is that all emotional animals
are basically yellow stationary clouds that
have been consumed by the swirling blue
dolphins that live somewhere beneath your
retina and these dolphins can make you
blind if you look at yourself the wrong way
in a mirror.
111
A few days ago, I thought my emotional

animal was an octopus, but then I realized
my emotional animal was just an emotional
animal and I havent thought about my
octopus since.
112
After I feed my emotional animal a grain of

rice it starts acting like a pork dog that has
been on vacation inside its own butt for one
billion years.
113
Two thirds of my emotional animal lives

in forebrain. The forebrain consists of
the neocortex, the basal ganglia, the
hippocampus, an amygdale, an olfactory
bulb, and the thalamus. One eighth of my
emotional animal lives in my kneecap. The
rest of my emotional animal shifts to various
parts of my body on a daily basis and gives
me the strength to believe that my entire
body is an emotional animal.
114
The guy next to me on the bus a few

months ago told me not to press my
emotional animal on his spinal cord while
he chewed his gum. I apologized. He began
having a niggling debate with his own toe
about the exact definition of consciousness
and whether or not his spinal cord could in
fact be conscious.
115
116
Scientists must reevaluate every form of data

theyve ever discovered. I once saw a scientist
scratch the eyebrow on his helicopter. A
few days later, the volcano near the science
factory yawned. All the scientists got scared
and threw their emotional animals into the
top of the volcano.
117
The idea of emotional animals became

so obvious to me that I fell in love with
them before I even knew very much about
emotional animals. I never realized that
emotional animals contain all the same flaws
that humans do, but by the time all these
flaws were apparent, my love for emotional
animals was strong enough to infinitely
bond me to my emotional animals.
118
Before I discovered the emotional animal

inside of me I thought I only had one
physical organ. I have since learned that
none of my organs are physical and that
my thoughts will exist longer than any
individual piece of my body because the
emotional animals inside me are like a fever
that rubbed themselves on crops of wheat
cheese that will eventually be consumed by
the entire world.
119
The sensory organs in my brain went for

a walk yesterday. Near the local deli, one
of my sensory organs pointed at an object
that it thought was an emotional animal. The
object was not an emotional animal. It was a
pile of household waste. My sensory organs
told me to eat this pile of waste before
someone else thought it was an emotional
animal and tried to kill it.
120
Emotional animals are a gargantuan and

complex assemblage of nonlinear processing
elements.
121
The daily minutiae of reality does not believe

in emotional animals. Most individual forms
of daily minutiae of reality are upset at the
rest of the world because they grew up in
privileged households, but when they turned
fourteen their dad sold their household
to a crippled satellite that had essentially
forgotten how to float.
122
123
An emotional animal began climbing a pile

of flamingos that were cradled in the palm
of a secretary who was standing in a petri
dish being observed under a microscope by
a video camera whose feed was broadcast
to the deepest point of the only lake that
exists in Kansas. When the emotional animal
reached the top of this pile of flamingos it
yelled, Even though I cherish the idea of
being able to sense color I understand that
these abilities are a construct of my nervous
system and that all colors, even the blue and
red colors, dont even exist in the world.
124
A person can survive without their

emotional animal, but only in a vegetative
state, without awareness.
125
Every plausible theory regarding emotional

animals must be based on the neurons that
live in the kind of human brains who like to
talk about the off-limit areas of their bodies
when they are at parties inside three-inchtall whales.
126
For the most part, our emotional animals

have been evolving independently from
humans for the past thirty billion years.
127
The neocortical cells in everyones brain

look like tiny assholes. Sometimes emotional
animals live inside these tiny asshole cell
structures.
128
Emotional animals are responsible for all

inter-spatial communication in the brain and
are sometimes the only means of conveying
messages from the villagers who live in the
brain to the outside world. In short, from
time to time, our emotional animals have
access and control of every noise hole that
we have ever breathed thoughts from.
129
130
Only a small fraction of emotional animals

(somewhere between three hundred and
eight hundred million) are made up of
neurons that no longer exist on earth.
131
The world is a baby that does not know how

to care for its emotional animal so it pokes
itself in the eyeball until it believes it can no
longer feel emotions.
132
In the late 1970s, a woman who thought she

was a secretary inside a toy giraffe discovered
that if you dress your emotional animal up
like a mountain of data resembling a human
blob that it will get the discount price at the
local old creamy buffet.
133
It has recently, become trendy for people to

talk about nurturing their emotional animals
as a way to achieve higher consciousness,
but for many of these people, higher
consciousness has little to do with the
growth of their metaphorical state and the
nurturing of their emotional animals is rather
a way to literally abuse the physical parts
of their bodies that they believed have been
weakened because they are overcrowded by
too many emotional animals.
134
Sometimes it will be years before I come

across someone with a wall outlet installed
at the back of their mouth.
135
Before I was ready to acknowledge my

emotional animal, it would wake up at
five a.m. every morning and go wait in a
McDonalds parking lot for me to pick it up.
136
137
Someday I would like to know my

emotional animal in an intimate manner and
do so without blushing. And later, when I
tell someone about this intimate moment, I
would still like to not blush.
138
Regardless of what happens in terms of the

internet and digital technology, emotional
animals will always be the nerve center and
backbone of the universe.
139
I cant tell which emotional animal is

sleeping in my neck at the moment.
140
The first time I broke a bone I worried that

all my emotional animals were dying.
141
All the emotional animals in my body are

tired and they keeping yelling, My butt is
empty because I just pooped on someones
brain.
142
The Global Struggle for Dead Milk

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on June 6th 2012, but it was tired and
could not understand why it was dressed like a kitten.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. jupiter. neighbors. hot tubs. circles.]
The Global Struggle for Dead Milk / by Mark baumer ;
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., estimated reading time about 14 yrs.
Originally published by someone who had teeth in their
armpit.
ISBN-10: 0615654452
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Its wednesday night.
I just ate a spoonful of jelly. The person who lives inside of
me is tired of having a brain. 3. Jupiter is the only person
who still cares about humanity. 4. I am a person. 5. If you are
interested in financial independence then you should grow
a tomato and only eat this tomatoe for the rest of your life.

June 2012
145
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191
epilogue
The milk bubble was born on a moon three
hundred billion years after a female deer gave
birth to Jupiter. Get some financial independence in your life. A milk bubble crawled into
my milk bubble and made milk bubbles. I am a
sophisticated drip of nacho grease milk.
The milk bubbles on planet Jupiter squirted
milk bubbles on each others nipples. Dont let
financial independence ruin your life. The milk
bubble in my milk bubble told someone else
that their milk bubbles looked sexy when they
were smeared with lettuce. I am zoo balloon
waiting to be filled with the elephant milk.
Jupiter used to be filled with my breast milk. Financial independence can save your family. The
milk bubbles are starting to inhabit old people.
I am the neon-glowing president of unicorn
beeps.
The moon is a milk trophy filled with radiation
192
particles that make beautiful people into clouds.

If your financial independence is not sweating
then you dont actually have financial independence. The milk bubbles are ruining my global
strategy to not have global struggles. I am the
lima bean seed that your mother did not feed
to you in fourth grade so you forgot how to
grow that year.
The captain of the spaceship that discovered
Jupiter was named Gelbart. Opportunities for
financial independence exist. Our milk bubbles
are not creamy enough. I am a global whisker
sprouting from the forehead of the penis growing from the moons forehead.
The vegetation inside the milk bubble regions
of Jupiter is shaped like a giant foam baby that
is learning how to use a spoon for the first time.
Investment reality derived from low-finance,
pre-approved loans that live in your financial
independence. The french fries in high school
used to have a crush on my milk bubbles. I am a
pimple filled with observations on how to enjoy
life and feel beautiful.
193
Jupiter has started to melt on its own milk bubble population. The emotional independence of
your financial independence needs more love.
Somewhere on planet earth, everyone involved
with the re-stragerulization of their employers
voyager project is probably in the bathroom
making milk bubbles in the toilet. I am wearing
a croissant as a hat.
There is a chair on Jupiter that used to be
owned by the guy who invented Neptune.
There is cheese leaking from the cracks of my
financial independence. All the milk bubbles on
earth are sitting in the same car parked at a mcdonalds parking lot listening to a song about
how nice it would be if every jelly nipple in the
world fell in love with every milky yarn boy. I
am going to yell until I turn into a dirty crumpled paper towel.
My favorite store on Jupiter closed, said the
milk bubble. Crawl in this mouth wound if
you want financial independence. All the milk
bubbles were toasting their eyebrows with space
heaters. I am a well-oiled dental raft in a lake of
wall outlets.
194
Planet Jupiter is a skill that has to be learned.

If your house is not invested in your financial
independence then your house is not a house.
One of the teeth on my milk bubble is a purple candle. I am doing complex hand motions
while I talk because I dont remember what I
was supposed to say.
Jupiter serves a dual purpose to humanity. The
financial independence youve always dreamed
about is leaking. I found a milk bubble in my
cereal that said it was writing a book called
This book took me four billion years to write.
I am concerned about the butt tissues accumulating on our planet.
The economic data in the 1980s from the labor department of the united states does not
support the existence of Jupiter as a planet. The
financial security of your independence wants
you to buy it a puppy. Most domesticated puppies own milk bubbles. I am a bed and my best
friend is an over that likes to heat nachos on
the weekend.
195
Sometimes Jupiter climbs to the top of the universe and says, I just want to rub my milk on
the gravitational force of Pluto, but I know that
Im too fat and I would crush Pluto. Financial
independence wants to hold your soft lung and
teach it to breathe.The milk bubbles in my milk
bubbles are growing new milk bubbles. I am a
kneecap in my own brain.
196
The Soft Cheese That Had a Cold Heart

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Soft Cheese that had a Cold Heart
This book was written between June 7th and June 9th 2012.
During the writing of this book the kitten dressed like a kitten developed a fever.
The Soft Cheese that had a Cold Heart
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. jupiter. neighbors. hot tubs. circles.]
The Soft Cold-Hearted Cheese Boy / by Mark baumer ;
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., estimated reading time about 4 minutes.
Originally published by someone who dressed like pickup
truck.
ISBN-10: 0615655734
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Its saturday. The
fever in my brain wants my body to cough on a puppy. 3. Two
novelists turned into an air-conditioner. 4. I am not a person.
5. If you are interested feeling beautiful and sublime then you
should sell my fever to your dad.

June 2012
A soft piece of cheese with a cold heart was

born from a toaster that lived in a cave. The
toasters father was a politician who had once been
a child that liked to put his tongue on the whitestained concrete walls of the elementary school.
This politician grew up next to a pond. His mother
only had one eye. She supported her family by eating
leftover cotton candy. Her one good eye had a collection of dead honey bees that her grandfather had given
her. One of the dead honey bees looked like a piece of
rainbow-flavored popcorn. Her grandfather used to keep
the dead honey bee collection in his wifes ear. She had large
ears. His wife had been a gift from an elephant prince. They
had been married on christmas morning. The elephant prince
died a few months later. He was only fourteen. He died because
everyone at his high school owned a pistol and they had all shot
him. The entire high school was put on probation for a thousand years.
When the soft piece of cheese was old enough to go to high school the
entire high school was still on probation. The soft piece of cheese with a
cold heart had no one to play with so he decided to do drugs, but he could
not find any drugs. All he could find was a baseball. The soft piece of cheese ate
the baseball and developed nice leg muscles. The Tampa Bay Orioles signed him. A
few days later, the soft piece of cheese threw a no hitter in the north american championships. After the no hitter people kept asking the soft piece of cheese with a cold heart if
there were other soft pieces of cheese in the world. The soft piece of cheese was unsure if any
other soft cheeses existed in the world. Someone took a picture of his muscles because the muscles
inside the soft piece of cheese looked like girls who lived inside trailer parks. One of the legs on the soft
piece of cheese resembled a white slave named chive butter. The soft piece of cheese liked to play with
his slave butter. Eventually, the soft piece of cheese with a cold heart married the white slave named chive
butter that lived inside of him.
199
A pair of soft cheeses got married. The husband

was a little softer than his wife. The two of them
had a party. Someone brought a palm tree. After
the party, the husband got a job as a dental hygienist.
His wife had a nice pale face, but she scribbled on it with
an orange marker. At work, the husband wore a gray tank
top. His fingers smelled like garlic. He rode a horse to work.
200
The dinosaur who lived inside a raindrop

bought a piece of soft cheese and named it Feingold. He sold the piece of soft cheese to a twelve
year old boy who was the father of sixteen pigeons.
The boy only loved his third pigeon because it didnt have
any wings. All the other pigeons nibbled on the third pigeon because
it didnt have any wings. When the third pigeon turned four years old its
heart grew too big for its own chest so it moved in with the dinosaur who was
still living inside the raindrop.
201
The soft piece of cheese that had a cold heart

could not sleep because his heart was too cold
and his ears were sweating. Autumn leaves
sprouted from the heart. The soft cheese stuffed
these leaves in an envelope and tried to deliver
them to his donuts. A few years earlier he had
bought a unicorn that pooped donuts.
202
I went to the movies. My mother had been

hired to make popcorn. She was dressed like my
dad. He let her wear his face at work. I bought
an olive from a man in the bathroom. The movie was about my neighbor. She had a pimple on her
armpit. The pimple tasted like orange soda. My mother
began to bottle the pimple juice and sell it at the movies.
203
The soft piece of cheese said, I didnt do anything today. It was boring. I was going to eat
breakfast, but instead I took a frozen piece of
sausage out of the refrigerator and set it on the
ground. I looked at this frozen piece of sausage
until it melted and its shape reminded me of
my sister.
204
The daughter of a soft piece of cheese married

a wealthy woman who had given birth to eight
different soft pieces of cheese.These eight different
pieces of soft cheese each owned a pet bird. The pet
birds got married. Their husbands owned crossbows.
All the beef flowers in the village where I grew up were
shot with cross bows. The day after the funeral we dug up
the dead beef flowers and roasted them.
205
The soft piece of something soft stood on top

of a large hill and waited for its child to grow
a beard filled with llama teeth. The afternoon
tasted like soil. The llama teeth began to sprout.
The childs beard was wearing a striped shirt. An
insect chirped. One of the stripes on the shirt
was neon and it said, I am a female lasagna.
206
There were raviolis for sale. A piece of soft cheese

crawled into one of the raviolis. I ate this ravioli.
My knee swelled. I bought a vacuum. The vacuum
didnt work. My knee continued to swell. I rubbed
jelly on my knee. The knee stopped swelling. My
knee got a job as a hot tub salesman and became
eventually became a regional manager.
207
To celebrate a recent business success, a soft piece

of cheese bought a pelican. He also bought a new
plaid shirt. The pelican couldnt fly. It sat on the
porch all day and farted. Neighbors complained
about the smell. The soft piece of cheese tried to
teach the pelican how to fly to a rural area when it
needed to fart. The pelican yawned.
208
A glass of milk was waiting to be injected with a

syringe of soft cheese. I got scared and called the
police. The glass of milk was injected with the
soft cheese. Everyone at the party began to pee
on the dance floor. When the police showed up
they rubbed their nipples on the milk that had
been injected with soft cheese.
209
After college I lived in a cave and got a job hugging balloons at birthday parties. Sometimes I
hugged the balloons too much and they turned
into soft pieces of cheese. For each party, my
manager would peel three nipples off his chest
and put them in an envelope for me to deposit
in my bank account.
210
Six thousand mosquitoes gave birth to a unicorn last night. The unicorns left eyeball was
a crippled elf. When the crippled elf died we
removed the left eyeball. We fed a soft piece
of cheese to the unicorn. The hole where the
crippled elf had lived inside the unicorns face
sprouted a new eyeball.
211
The soft piece of cheese that lived inside my

tulips said, Tomorrow I am going to buy a new
pair of shoes and then I will eat them. A day
passed. The soft piece of cheese that lived in my
tulips did not buy a new pair of shoes. Instead,
he ate the garden hose attached to my neighbors tender winky.
212
The door to everyones soft piece of cheese is

overweight.
213
There was a financial crisis. Everyone died. All

the banks sold themselves to a team of investors who dressed like toaster flies. Earth began
to eat itself. The only thing that survived was a
soft piece of cheese who tried to make a living
selling his own toilet.
214
Yesterday, I bought some yummy areas. I installed them in my feet. A stomach ache developed. The instructions said, Dont install yummy
areas in your feet. I was worried so I bought a lawnmower. The lawnmower tried to uninstall the yummy
areas. A doctor said I would never walk again. He wrapped
my feet with soft pieces of cheese and gave me a tootsie roll.
215
Everyone in the world climbed on the roof

of my house last night and danced until they
turned into a soft piece of cheese. In the morning, I went outside and gathered all the snowflakes on my front lawn. Each snowflake was
wearing a t-shirt that said, I am a metaphorical
ham sandwich.
216
The soft piece of cheese was tired of being

a soft piece of cheese so he pressed a button
on his face and turned into a panda bear. The
city didnt allow panda bears to live inside of it.
A guy with hologram sunglasses was hired to
eat the panda bear. He had once eaten a baby
elephant.
217
Every night, a soft piece of cheese asked his

mother why he wasnt an avocado. His mother
always shrugged and said, Im a moth. When
she finished tucking in the soft piece of cheese
she usually went in her bedroom and had moth
sex with a light bulb.
218
A soft piece of cheese rented a soft piece of

cheese because he thought the soft piece of
cheese was a tootsie roll. When the soft piece of
cheese got home and put the rented soft piece
of cheese in his mouth he was disappointed. He
went crazy and watched television for nine billion straight days.
219
The guy who thought he was a soft piece of

cheese nodded and said, Yeah, whenever
someone asked him if he was a soft piece of
cheese.
220
Two-thousand years ago, a boy asked his father

if they could eat creamy dreams for breakfast.
His father shook his head and put a soft piece of
cheese in his sons armpit.
221
A girl on a bicycle rode her bike off a cliff. As

she was falling her knee began to swell. She
took out a surgical instrument because she
was a surgeon when she wasnt riding her bike.
There was a soft piece of cheese in her knee.
She removed it and used it as a parachute.
222
The couch sat on a piece of cheese and ate

pieces of cheese while he watched a television
filled with cheese.
223
The three-year-old child said, Im afraid of

becoming an adult. All the adults in my life
make me eat cheese and I think I am allergic to
cheese because every time I eat cheese I begin
to hallucinate and my ears inch even though I
wasnt born with ears.
224
The softest piece of cheese climbed on top

of the smallest piece of the world and it said,
Something is important. I am a profound
thought. Give me all your kisses. I will sell them
to a mule that has never been kissed.
225
My brain began to hurt so I rented a brain that

was not filled with all my old greasy toys. This
new brain told me that all the soft pieces of
cheese in the world were named Edward, and
that they were from a planet that had not been
born yet.
226
A soft piece of Edward asked if I wanted to

go with him to the jungle. I shrugged. I had
never been interested in jungles. The soft piece of
Edward put on a bulletproof vest because someone once tried to shoot the soft piece of Edward
with a machine gun. A helicopter crashed in my front
yard. The soft piece of Edward ran away.
227
Seven pieces of soft cheese were found at the

bottom of an empty bottle of wine. After they
were removed from the bottle, the police took
turns peeing in the bottle. The seven pieces of
cheese slept for six billion years. When they
woke they ate breakfast.
228
A mouse tried to have sex with a soft piece of

cheese, but his volcano got angry and made lava
juice all over the village and the soft piece of
cheese melted. A few years later the volcano was
drinking orange pimple juice.
229
The guy who owned my fathers automobile

dressed up the automobile in a plaid shirt and
drove it to a golf course. The golf course was on
fire. All the golf carts had exploded. Everyone was holding their faces while they screamed. Only a man wearing
hologram sunglasses continued to play his round of golf.
A few years later, someone bought the golf course and used
the land to manufacture cheese moths that smelled soft.
230
My mom and I went to the grocery store and

bought fruit loops. When we got home we
dumped the fruit loops on my dad. He was
sweating on the couch. The fruit loops got
soggy. I put them back in the box and brought
them back to the grocery store.
231
People kept talking shit about all the soft cheese

that lived in my pigeons beard. I tried to cover my pigeons beard with donuts. The donuts
turned into waffles. The waffles gave birth to
more people with shit coming out of their
mouths.
232
A soft piece of cheese gave birth to a soft piece

of cheese that wasnt quite frail enough to be
a soft piece of cheese so it grew up to be an
average person of medium abilities that existed
somewhere on earth.
233
Epilogue
I discovered soft cheese when I was seven years

old. It was 1973. I was playing in the backyard
with some friends. We were throwing ninja
stars at each other or something. The acorns on
my fathers christmas tree were falling. My little brother was a squirrel so instead of playing
with me and my friends he spent most of the
afternoon gathering the falling acorns.The ninja stars poorly made so it was tough to throw
them straight. Right before my mother called
me and my brother in for dinner, my friend
Henry turned into a soft piece of cheese. We
rubbed dirt on his face and kicked him, but
Henry would not turn back into Henry and
he remained a soft piece of cheese. My friend
Dylan got scared and began to run. Before he
made it a few steps he also turned into a piece
of soft cheese. By the time the sun set, all my
friends had turned into soft pieces of cheese.
My brother continued to gather acorns.
234
In high school my English teacher was a soft

piece of cheese. He taught me how to enjoy being a soft piece of cheese even though I wasnt
a soft piece of cheese. He also taught me how
to eat soft cheese when I was on a party boat.
During my senior year, my English teacher had
a heart attack and died.
235
In college I discovered a new kind of soft cheese

that was more polished, sparkling, and tender
than any soft cheese I had ever tasted. These educated soft cheeses were sympathetic, delicately
ironic, and psychologically aware of their ability to be
soft cheeses, but ultimately what made the soft cheeses
in college so delightful was their worldly, tolerant understanding of human frailty.
236
Before we continue, I would like to share a story from the other day. I was in the garden, tending to my soft cheeses, and a beetle walked up
to me and put my entire head in his mouth. I
was scared, but I quietly removed my head from
the beetles mouth and told him I wasnt a soft
piece of cheese.
237
Like most college boys, I joined the army after

I graduated. On the first day I was allowed to
hold a pistol someone rubbed soft cheese on
my face and I went blind. I spent the next seven
years fulfilling my duty by running around blind
in the Middle East, randomly firing my pistol
whenever I got scared.
238
At one point, some undercover CIA agents kidnapped me and tried to cut off my head, but
when they werent looking I tunneled my way
back from the Middle East to america. I wasnt
sure what to do with the rest of my life so I
bought a dog. The dog had three legs. When I
got home I washed the soft cheese off my face
and was no longer blind.
239
A few years ago someone urged me to fly to a

small town inside a gray van parked outside the
McDonalds somewhere in the Midwest. It took
me a long time to find the small town inside the
gray van parked outside the McDonalds somewhere in the Midwest.When I found it, I wasnt
sure what to do so I licked the side of the gray
van. It was soft.
240
After I licked the soft van a man climbed out.

He was holding a shotgun. He shot me. I lay
wounded in the parking lot as the gray van
drove away. I managed to pull myself into the
McDonalds bathroom. I spent the next four
years lying on the floor of the McDonalds
bathroom as I waited for my bullet wounds to
heal.
241
Because of the bullet wounds, I became a smalltime celebrity in my hometown.The local news
did a story about me. I tried to organize a parade for myself, but it fell through. One of my
childhood friends who didnt turn into a soft
piece of cheese said he could get me a record
deal with a production company in California.
242
I climbed into an airplane. The airplane crashed

in Kansas. I was probably going to die, but I
whistled and my dog found me and saved me.
Both my legs were broken. My dog built a log
cabin so I could heal. Every day he would bring
me three small pieces of cheese and a bottle of
tonic water.
243
A bear tried to eat the log cabin while I was

healing inside of it. My dog stopped the bear
from eating the log cabin. The bear became our
friend. Sometimes the bear would bring us the
head of a dead deer.
244
Something else happened after that. More

things happened. There was a lot of soft cheese.
I got tired of everything. All I wanted to do
with the rest of my life was build a house for me
and my dog to exist. People started to feed me
ketchup because I could eat an endless amount
of ketchup.
245
Afterword
I was fifty-three years old when I began writing this book. My heart had stopped working. I
wrote this book to restart my heart. It took me
twelve minutes to write this book. For twelve
minutes, my heart did not work. As I was writing this book I was filled with a lot of self-doubt.
I kept wondering why I was writing a book
instead of driving myself to a hospital. When I
finished writing the book my heart began to
work again, but one of my legs had fallen off.
I had a nephew in the country that was good at
fixing legs so I dragged my leg to him. He fixed
it. I told him that my heart had stopped recently
and I had written a book to restart it. He asked
if he could read the book. I let him read it. He
said, The book is very bad. You are lucky that
your heart restarted.
I gave up writing after that and bought a bird.
I named it after my oven mitt. The bird asked
246
why I was so tired. I did not tell the bird why I

was tired. Every night the bird and I ate rice for
dinner. My lower back developed a pain and my
legs began to shrink. I went back to the country
to visit my nephew, but he had died.
The bird flew away a few months after that.
I could feel my life slowly drawing to an end. I
decided to celebrate. I went out to dinner. The
restaurant I chose sold raviolis and green beans.
There was a live band. I was the only customer in the restaurant. The live band played me a
song about a worm that fell asleep for a gazillion years. I decided to imitate this worm when
I went home.
I slept for a gazillion years, but when I woke up
it was only Tuesday. I had gone to bed on Sunday. I felt proud of my ability to sleep. Still, the
long rest made me more tired and scared than I
had ever been in my entire life.
I went back to the country to investigate my
nephews death.
The policeman who had discovered my nephews dead body said the death was probably
from natural causes. I asked the policeman if
there were any suspects. The policeman shook
247
his head and said, Me and your nephew are the

only two people who live in this town. I asked
the policeman if he had murdered my nephew.
He nodded and said, I didnt mean to. I returned to the city.
It had been a while since I had changed the
sheets on my bed so I stripped my bed and went
looking for some clean linen. I found a pile of
bed sheets in the refrigerator next to a lone stalk
of asparagus. I began making my bed, but had
to give up halfway through because my head
began to ache.
I knocked on random doors throughout the
city until I found a doctor. He looked at my
head for a few minutes and then said he would
have to operate. I told him I didnt need any
anesthetic and fell asleep. While I slept I could
feel the doctor rubbing my forehead with his
tools. About a year passed. I couldnt remember
how to wake up.
After my coma, one of the sides of my mouth
drooped a little. There was a cashier at the local pharmacy that had a nice mouth, but he
wouldnt sell it to me. I bought a shovel instead.
Every night I would chew on the shovel in
hopes that it would strengthen my mouth and
the side of my face would stop drooping.
248
My bird returned. I built it a nest in my bathtub.

I no longer cleaned myself because it seemed
worthless to clean myself if my mouth drooped
all the time.
Sometimes one of my childhood friends would
call because they heard my mouth had started to
droop. It was nice to talk to them and I appreciated their pity. Once, a friend named Edward
called and invited me to his jungle. He said he
owned an entire jungle in Antarctica. I told him
I was too old to go to Antarctica and immediately regretted it. A few minutes later I stumbled
into another mild coma.
The second coma lasted twelve hours. When I
woke up my mouth no longer drooped. To celebrate I went to the orthodontist and got braces
to straighten my teeth which had gotten messed
up when my mouth used to droop. A few hours
later I regretted the braces and removed them
myself with a screwdriver.
My teeth bled, but they didnt hurt. I read a
magazine while I waited for them to stop
bleeding. For dinner I bought twenty chicken
nuggets and rubbed them on my body sweat.
The crispy outer layer of the chicken nuggets
made my teeth bleed even more. I was tired
of my mouth bleeding. I told my heart to stop
249
pumping so my teeth would stop bleeding. My

heart stopped.
The ambulance driver said he had gone to high
school with my sister. I couldnt speak because
my heart had stopped so I couldnt tell him I
didnt have a sister.
At the hospital someone poured ice coffee on
my heart. It began working again. It felt good to
be alive. Someone rubbed my chest for an hour
while I sipped on a small container of orange
juice. I was just about ready to commit to living
forever when an ant crawled up my left nostril
and I suffered my third coma. It was okay. The
third coma was very hilarious. I laughed the
whole time I was in it.
250
The Man Living Inside a Zoo Elephant

a book about a man living inside a zoo elephant
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
a book about a man living inside a zoo elephant
This book was written between June 11th 2012. Its about a
pair of mittens that wanted to be president.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. free the broccoli. #1 love ribosome]
The Man Living Inside a Zoo Elephant / by Mark baumer ;
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., estimated reading time is about 11 yards.
Originally published by someone.
ISBN-10: 0615657419
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Last night I watched
some people on the internet do drugs. 3. I am tired of people
on the internet doing drugs 4. I wish people on the internet
ate more popsicles. 5. If you are interested in not doing drugs
or being a beautiful dad then send my pigeon an email.

June 2012
A lonely piece of cotton candy or mitt

romney standing on top of a mountain
made from his own sexual dress shirt?
253
A single red mitten or mitt romney spilling a sexual ribosome on his own face?
254
Every ribosome in my body or mitt romney

rubbing butter on all his ribosomes?
255
Three penguins finding a baby trophy in

an oven or mitt romney ripping off my
dads arms and stapling them to my forehead?
256
Every elementary school in america turning into a greasy armpit or mitt romeny
snuggling inside his wifes ribosomes?
257
A puppy or mitt romney feeding himself

sausage until all the puppies in the world
die from watching a human eat too much
sausage?
258
The face of a nuclear holocaust or mitt

romeny laughing because his penis bought
another speedboat?
259
An adorable snowman or mitt romney injecting his nipples with human ribosome
growth hormones?
260
low-income bicycles with down syndrome

or mitt romney getting a hand job from
every upper-class, white male over the
age of sixty-three?
261
Should i dress like a suitcase or was mitt

romney born inside a tarpit?
262
Massive celebrations for all the empty

condiminiums or a walrus pooping inside
the white mans brain while hes sleeping?
263
An eskimo dressed like a twelve-yearold undercover transvestite police officer or mitt romney taking a goa Eskimos
dressed like twelve-year-old undercover transvestite police officers or mitt
romney taking a golf swing? lf swing?
264
Fourteen uneducated tootsie rolls getting their health benefits taken away or
mitt romney playing air guitar at his high
school prom?
265
A jelly bean dressed as a bottle of ranch

salad dressing or mitt romney milking a
cluster of his creamy ribosomes?
266
Thirty billion african americans getting

lynched on election day or mitt romney
rubbing mustard on his peanut butter
sandwich?
267
A tiger with a severe stomach illness

barfing on a zebra it just killed or mitt
romney filling his luxury sedan with
milk?
268
The last remaining buffalo in america

rolling down a hill in colorado or mitt
romney doing squats in a pair of his wifes
dirty underwear?
269
A pair of sunglasses made from blonde ponies or a statue of mitt romney made from
baloney?
270
twelve-year-old boy scouts trying to knit

themselves a crack pipe or mitt romney
snorting bath salts out of another mans
face?
271
Two adult male homosexuals not being allowed to eat at their favorite restaurant
on a friday night or mitt romney slapping
a pregnant chipmunk?
272
Four melted fudgicles on the sidewalk or

mitt romney throwing a parade for himself because he bought a new toilet?
273
A used condom or mitt romney dressed

like a clown?
274
Fourteen-year-old, overdeveloped pimple or mitt romney having fun while sledding with his family?
275
a guy whose dog only has three ribosomes

or mitt romney rubbing his wifes face in a
pile of softly knitted dirty syringes?
276
immigrants getting their testicles gently

squeezed by a stale, crusty hot dog bun
or mitt romney telling the joke about the
one-armed black pony that had aids and
lived inside his wifes favorite ribosome?
277
A used tissue or mitt romney whipping his

finger on a hamburger wrapper after he
poked it in the asshole of all his campaign
donations?
278
Seven loaves of bread wedged into the

tailpipe of a mid-sized charity golf tournament or mitt romney carving a vagina
into his forehead?
279
A picture of me drinking a glass of water

or mitt romney trying to rub his sexual
dress shirt on an email to an underage female who doesnt know how to wear sexual dress shirts that have been covered in
adult married white male sweat?
280
The seventy-year-old man who forgot to

eat cake on his birthday or mitt romney
creating a secret blog to post pictures of
pictures he drew on his penis during another boring corporate meeting?
281
Man pouring gasoline on his face or mitt

romney smiling?
282
Boy lying down in the middle of the highway because he found out santa claus
wasnt real or mitt romney singing karaoke?
283
Profound, deep, and magical thoughts or

mitt romney eating a baby?
284
Man telling his wife to give him some

rubber as he leans over to kiss her
or mitt romney trying to eat the cheese
growing on the back of his kneecaps?
285
Two bars of soap or mitt romney opening a

sausage factory to grind up all the dead
puppies in the world?
286
The piece of lint an unemployed college

graduate tried to use to clean up his debt
or mitt romney holding a machete?
287
Homeless dogs living inside of a dead

horse or mitt romney playing candyland?
288
The logical impossibility of a new ocean

growing in the palm of my hand or mitt
romney beating up the elderly woman
who accidentally crushed the tomatoes
when she was bagging his groceries?
289
A secret government military project

called the dirty snowflake or mitt
romney jumping on a trampoline?
290
Lo-fi radio signals evaporating from the

tentacles of a donut or mitt romney eating a honey filled meat cake made by a
guy named Beeftown?
291
The large happy analog breathing system

attached to the oldest three in america
or mitt romney filling the family puppy with piata confetti before his sons
birthday party?
292
Two vultures drinking from the musky

river flowing from the mouth of a dead
deer or mitt romney repeatedly slapping
himself in the face while saying, Boom?
293
The fattest peanut that ever existed inside a chocolate candy coating or mitt
romney paying his son three dollars to
stick his finger inside the mouth of a
dead prostitute?
294
A warm soft rain falling early in the

morning or mitt romney rubbing parmesan
cheese on his butt because he ran out of
toilet paper?
295
Some crab cakes or mitt romney paying

a department store manager a nominal
fee to clean up the mess his sexual dress
shirts made on one of the black manikins?
296
The father of a wizard who didnt have

any legs or mitt romney driving his golf
cart to the mailbox to see if he got any
letters from god?
297
Someone breathing on the back of your

dads while he rides the public bus or mitt
romney becoming so excited that he turns
into a gnome and decides to go swimming
inside the ribosomes of my favorite cupcake?
298
The day there were forty thousand rainbows in the sky or mitt romney telling
his children that he usually got aroused
whenever he pooped?
299
Epilogue
The elephant took off his pants at a dance club

and sweat on the customers until all the liquid
in his body had evaporated. He was not wearing
any clothes. The DJ continued to play music.
Married couples were trying to remember how
to communicate with each other in the corner
of the dance club. The elephant left the dance
club and walked naked into the parking lot. He
stole an automobile to wear on his face. The
flesh near his nostrils swelled. He drove the automobile until it turned into a river of gravy.
A fish asked the elephant why he was wearing
an automobile on his face. The elephant said, I
am a political chicken salad sandwich. The fish
turned into an ant and the river of gravy turned
into the sun. The elephant pretended his naked
body was a glass of orange juice and tried to
turn himself into milk.
The political chicken salad sandwich told the
300
elephant to remove his pants. The dance club

was filling with gravy. People were trying to
forget how to remember they were married.
The corner of the dance club began to swell.
The tuna fish sandwich was standing naked inside the elephant. Someone humped their automobile until it was the president of the united
states. The elephant drank some orange juice
until he was bigger than the sun. An evaporated
politician licked the gravy leaking out the backdoor of the dance club.
An elephant was wearing an automobile on
his face while he ate a chicken salad sandwich
and danced naked in a field of gravy. When the
music stopped he married the president of the
united states because the president of the united
states was an ant. Underneath the field of gravy,
glasses of orange juice were humping each other. The elephant removed the automobile from
his face and let a man crawl inside of him. The
man inside the elephant was pointing a machine
gun at a married couple. He told them they
werent allowed to marry each other. The automobile on the elephants face began to freak
out. A lot of married couples gathered around
the elephants wife and waited for something to
happen. Chicken salad sandwiches were leaking
301
down the walls of the dance club. The president

of the united states tried to drink the man holding the machine gun inside the elephant.
There was an elephant inside the automobile
that a different elephant was wearing on his
face. The elephant inside the automobile had
three arms. One of the arms tasted like gravy.
His other two arms were made of straw. The
lower part of his stomach was filled with ants.
He didnt know how to communicate with regular people. The elephant inside the automobile
being worn on a different elephants face got
divorced when he was three years old. Whenever this elephant smiled, people turned into
marshmallows. He liked to gather these marshmallows and plant them in his dance club. He
also planted bumblebees.
Yesterday, an elephant wore a shoe. The shoe
had three mouths. One of the mouths had
blonde hair and didnt like to eat orange juice.
The elephant soaked the shoe in a bucket of
orange juice every night. A few months ago an
orange juice technician taught the elephant a
new technique of how to soak his orange juice
in orange juice while thinking about capital
management.
302
An automobile sat on an elephants face and

apologized for sitting on the elephants face.
The elephant wearing an automobile on his
face said, I have never been very good at wearing an automobile on my face. Some capital
management leaked from the dance clubs gravy. Yesterday, a trashcan told the elephant that
it was not technically possible for humans to
physically turn into marshmallows. A garden full
of marshmallows would produce a poor harvest. The elephant wearing an automobile on
his face thought, If I owned a glass of orange
juice I would not let it be president. A glass of
orange juice dyed his hair blonde. The capital
management stopped leaking elephants from its
gravy.
A man spilled his automobile on my elephants
face. He apologized and bought my elephant
some new gravy. I didnt like the smell of this
new gravy so I traded my elephant for a new
glass of milk. The glass of milk was an ant that
was three years old and had been divorced six
times. Its present wife was a marshmallow. They
had been married the previous year after a
bumblebee stung the marshmallow in the face
303
and the ant saved the marshmallow by sucking

out the venom.
All the elephants living inside of automobiles
that are being worn on the faces of elephants
said, I have never physically been inside a zoo
elephant, or touched a zoo elephant, but all my
friends are friends with zoo elephants.
304
The Trauma of Eating a Celebrity

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on June 16th 2012. Its about the
snowman who ate my famous uncle.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. raccoons. food gods. love pigeons]
Title / by Mark baumer ;
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., estimated time of arrival is 7:12 p.m.
Originally published by a moose.
ISBN-10: 0615660487
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I was at a coffee shop
on Friday. 3. My brain was a blind dog. 4. I saw two raccoons
on an urban porch. 5. The raccoons were on drugs and were
looking for missile launchers.

June 2012
I bought a space helmet when I was ten years

old to protect myself because my mouth was
very rich and space helmets were the cheapest
form of protection. My life was important. The
only job I ever did was to put celebrities in my
mouth. Everyone wanted to be in my mouth. I
needed the space helmet to keep everyone out
of my mouth.
307
The space helmet didnt work very well. It was

made of styrofoam and crumbled when I sweat
on it. My mouth was unprotected. I tried to lie
down in a jelly so I could take a nap, but everyone heard I was lying down in a jelly and they
all crawled in my mouth.
308
Everyone was in my mouth for a day or two

before I realized everyone was in my mouth.
I tried to spit some of them out, but most of
them had tied ropes to the hooks at the back of
my head. It was very tough to remove everyone
after they had all attached their ropes.
309
The jelly where I napped did not reimburse

me even though it was their fault everyone had
crawled in my mouth. I was angry and I bit off a
piece of the jelly.The piece of jelly I bit off from
the jelly was larger than the entire jelly. After I
was done biting off a piece of the jelly there was
no jelly left.
310
Someone in my mouth called a fire truck. The

fire truck arrived when I was supposed to eat
dinner. It asked if everyone was in my mouth. I
nodded and said, They put their ropes in me.
The fire truck shrugged and went home. I ate a
bunch of hee-hee-yum-yums for dinner.
311
Even though everyone was already in my

mouth I still wore my crumbling space helmet
every day.
312
Most of the ropes in me began to swell after a

week of being inside of me. The ropes swelled
larger than the size of everyone. There was very
little room for anything in my mouth after the
ropes swelled. Everyone had to leave my mouth.
Im not sure where they went. It was very easy
to remove the ropes from my mouth after everyone left my mouth. The ropes were not as
swollen as I thought. I wrapped some of them
around my space helmet to keep it from falling
apart.
313
After everyone left my mouth, I was tired, but

there was no more jelly to lie down on so I
decided to go on vacation. The airplane I rented did not have any seats. Midway through the
flight I forgot where I was going. When the
plane landed I was disappointed because we
landed inside a cardboard box that I had thrown
out earlier in the week.
314
I sat down inside the cardboard box and tried

to nap. The cardboard box asked why my space
helmet was crumbling. I began to cry.The cardboard box hugged me. I was so lonely that I
married the cardboard box and had eight babies
inside of it.
315
My mouth began to dry up because I stopped

putting anything inside of it. Celebrities were no
longer interested in my mouth. Some of them
even had their bodyguards shoot me when in
the face. I got shot in the face forty-seven times.
316
I wasnt sure what to do so I rented another

airplane and left the cardboard box. As I was
leaving, my eight babies tried to crawl in my
mouth. I pushed them each on the ground and
said, Goodbye daddy. Something began chewing on my kneecap bone. I put on my space
helmet and climbed into the airplane.
317
It was my birthday. The airplane pilot gave me a

piece of birthday jelly. I had not eaten any jelly
since that time I ate all the jelly. The airplane
pilot didnt have any arms. His arms were jelly.
I was eating the airplane pilots jelly. When he
held out his hand he had not intended for me
to eat his jelly. He had held out his jelly for me
to shake. I did not shake the pilots jelly. I ate
the pilots jelly until there wasnt any airplane
pilot left. When all the jelly was gone I realized
it wasnt my birthday.
318
The airplane had nice cushions. There was so

much jelly in me that I began to cry. I laid down
on one of the cushions and took a nap. I stopped
crying a few minutes after I fell asleep. While I
slept everyone crawled back in my mouth and
attached their ropes to the hooks in the back
of my face. I didnt notice they were inside of
me for a long time because my nap lasted three
months.
319
All my brain cells were angry when they realized everyone was in my mouth again and they
had attached their ropes. The space helmet was
basically useless. I wanted to burn it on the roof
of the largest condominium in the world.
320
My uncle owned a pretty large condominium

in Nebraska. I decided his condominium was
the largest condominium in the world. It took
me a few hours to remember where Nebraska
was before I remembered that I was only ten
years old and I already lived in the largest condominium in the world because my uncle was
my legal guardian and had been ever since my
parents turned into jelly and I ate them.
321
It always rained in the poor section of Nebraska where my uncle built his condominium. A
few years before he built the condominium
he bought a snow machine to make snow in
Nebraska because it never snowed in Nebraska. The snow machine was very poorly made.
It began to rain a few minutes after my uncle
turned on his snow machine and it has not
stopped raining since he turned on that poorly
made snow machine. No one has ever been able
to figure out how to turn off my uncles snow
machine.
322
I spent an hour on the roof of my uncles condominium trying to burn my space helmet, but
it was too wet to burn anything. Instead, I put
the space helmet in a bucket and waited for it to
turn into jelly. After the space helmet turned to
jelly I burned it. Jelly is easy to burn if you are
standing on the roof of the largest condominium in the world.
323
My uncle wouldnt buy me a new space helmet or a surgeon to remove everyone from my
mouth. All he ever bought me were toy dolls. I
was tired of being ten years old and living in my
uncles condominium. After my uncle went to
bed I rubbed jelly on him and pretended he was
jelly so I wouldnt feel bad about eating him.
324
Everyone in my mouth got mad at me when

they found out I ate my uncle. People said I
should have been more appreciative of everything he did for me. I told everyone to stop telling me what feelings I should feel. Everyone
in my mouth was still mad, but they didnt say
anything.
325
The condominium was tired of living in the

poor section of Nebraska.
326
After I ate my uncle, his condominium moved

to New Mexico and opened a souvenir store
in Los Hijos. The snow machine continued to
make rain in all the poor sections of Nebraska. One of my cardboard box babies found me
and asked if I was ever coming home. I told
it I wasnt. The cardboard box baby shot me. I
started to bleed. The cardboard box baby cried.
I was almost dead. Everyone began leaving my
mouth. I asked my cardboard box baby what his
name was. He said, My daddy named me Moo
Lion for the Tilted Plains of Crabica. Before I
died I taught my cardboard box baby how to
eat celebrities.
327
I was only dead for a few seconds. One of the

people in my mouth was a doctor and he removed the bullet before it turned my entire
body into jelly.
328
The cardboard box baby named Moo Lion for

the Tilted Plains of Crabica who almost killed
me apologized for almost killing me. I told him
that our cultural was too violent for babies. He
nodded, but didnt seem to register the amount
of violence in his culture and the effect it had
on him. I was too tired to teach my own son a
life lesson. Instead, I logged onto the computer
and checked my bank account.
329
There were over fourteen trillion dollars in my

bank account. I was sad. I could almost not afford to live anymore. Inflation had been out of
control ever since I got shot. Fourteen trillion
dollars was equivalent to what a rusted nickel
was worth the year my father was born.
330
I went to the bank and tried to withdraw all

my money.The bank gave me a microchip.They
said the microchip was worth fourteen trillion
dollars. I accidentally put the microchip in a
bowl and added milk. The microchip turned
into a piece of frosted wheat. I ate the microchip.
331
My brain hurt. The world was changing. My

brain did not know how to change. I tried to
buy a new space helmet. All the space helmets
cost one gah-boo-boo-winky-pee-jillion dollars which was equivalent to three nickels before inflation got out of control. I didnt have
any rusted nickels. I used to have fourteen trillion dollars, but I ate a microchip and lost all
my money.
332
Someone shot me in the face as I was leaving

the place that sold space helmets. I was mad because most ten-year-olds dont have to worry
about getting shot in the face all the time.
333
The financial situation in america got so bad

that the united states sold the moon to a guy in
Russia for three gah-boo-boos.
334
I decided that money was a mental state of being and I wanted my brain to be happy, but instead of investing gah-boo-boos in my face I
tried to make honey in a pot of milky toast.
335
The guy in charge of who I wanted to be was

also in charge of fur distribution and he began
selling everyone coats made from human hair.
336
There was no jelly left in the world. I was hungry all the time because I only liked eating jelly.
337
Somebody told me I was an important reason

why we were all going to die.
338
Everyone was trying to crawl in my mouth, but

I had already crawled in my own mouth to hide
from everyone.
339
I got tired of being inside my own mouth. I

didnt know what else to do. There was a river
waiting for a bus. I stood next to the river. The
bus arrived.The river wasnt allowed on the bus.
I got on a bus and rode on it until the bus drove
off a cliff.
340
The cliff was very small.There was a pond at the

bottom of the cliff. The bus landed in the pond.
Only half the people on the bus died. The people who didnt die ate the people who died.The
people who didnt die had no choice. The bus
driver said, If we dont eat all the dead people
they are going to eat us until we are dead. I ate
fourteen dead people.When all the dead people
were eaten I climbed in the pond and swam for
thirty miles.
341
There were a lot of fish in the thirty miles of

swimming. The fish all wanted to nibble on my
pinkies.
342
At the end of the river I found a new friend

who didnt care that I liked to put celebrities
in my mouth or that I ate my parents because
they were jelly.
343
The new friend said he liked the way I had

crawled in my own mouth instead of saving
humanity.
344
A few minutes after I met the new friend there

was a wedding and we got married to each other. My new friend was forty-two years old.
345
I was excited because I thought the rest of my

life was going to be happy.
346
Unfortunately, my new friend turned out to be

a jelly muscle.
347
He cut off my arm and said he was going to

bring it to his jelly family for dinner. I pretended I was going to die and lay down in a ditch.
The jelly muscle laughed and went home to his
jelly family.
348
It was not very painful to lose my arm.
349
I was able to follow the jelly muscle all the way

to his home. He lived in a glass jar at the top of
a tilted piece of earth.
350
The jelly family seemed excited that they were

going to eat my arm, but before they could eat
it I jumped on their kitchen table and ate them
all.
351
As I ate the entire jelly family I screamed things.

My face was completely covered with jelly,
but I didnt have any tissues to clean myself. I
shrugged and sewed my arm back on my shoulder.
352
I dont know what happened next in my life

or what happened with the rest of humanity. I
was probably too traumatized to remember any
of the things that happened the rest of my life.
353
Epilogue
I feel likesometimes I dontknow

how toaccomplishthoughtsorsomethingI dont knowI thinkI wanted to
accomplishthoughtswell not quiteI
dont knowonceI was standing in line
somewhereI thinkthere was no oneI
think I wasthe only persontostand
somewhereI was standingandthere
wasno one elsestandingI feel like
maybeI remembereverythingsort ofI
dont knowmaybeI ordereda micro
original coconut withumsomechocolate flakesor somethingI think
When I was still a young I used toI dont
knowmaybeI was neveryoungI dont
354
think Ive ever beenI dont knowI think

maybeyeahI dont know
Its really interesting thatthere issomethingreally fascinatingmaybe
ImnotsureIfeelliketheres
somethingmaybethere isnt anythingI
dont knowsometimesI justfeelbad
butnot in a bad wayI just feellikeI
dont knowI thinkIjusthavelike
feelingsmaybe
Oh well...
Okay...
I thinkthis is going to sound weirdmaybebutI dont thinkI quiteknow
anythingI dont knowmaybe hospitals are
purplelike the way brown people arepurplebut maybe not
355
I thinkmy eyeballs have tentaclesmaybe

theyre growing from my face the waylight
bulbs grow on facessometimes
Itsprobablyimportanttothink
butI dont know
The wafflesunderstandI thinkbut
maybeI dont knowwaffles usually understandbecauseI dont knowwaffles are
umwaffles
I think Im tiredbut I dont care
A moderately famous person said, I want to
be an eternal piece of architecture. A different
celebrity said, When Im viewed at lower resolutions, my mouth becomes too compact to
be audible.
Normal people dontlikeumI dont
knownow that I think about itI dont
356
thinknormal people havehairusuallyI

meanI dont knownot quite sureits
just odd to seea pork heartI donteven
know
There is a part of methat getsloudI
dont knowmy face once got so louda dog
crawledin one of my mouthsI think
maybethe dogstarted peeingI dont
know
I think everybody has feelingsornot so
muchI thinkeverybody isyeahI guess
I dont know
Lets justbuys a space heater and plug it into
our own faces in hopes that we will become
more famous
Critical institutionskeephaving more small
babiesI thinkorat leastsoft pieces of
umbread.
357
I dont think the progressive enhancements of

fame are a new idea.
There are too many noise holes. I cant press all
the noise holes in my ear holes so I press them
in my face.
358
A Girl Who Was Too Big For Childhood

a book about a girl too big for childhood
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS

a book about a girl too big for childhood
This book was written on June 21st 2012. Its about the
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. raccoons. g2bfc. cats singing about the
end of humanity]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., there 1,917 lentils in this book
Originally published by a moose.
ISBN-10: 0615661181
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I am a white person.
3. I have been listening to a kitten make rap songs all afternoon. 4. At some point in this book I said, negro. 5. Im
sorry I said, Negro.
June 2012
one-legged motorcycle
A motorcycle lost one of its legs.
It grew a beard.
The motorcycle thought the beard would replace its missing leg.
The town gave the one-legged motorcycle a
trophy.
Everyone in the town was sad.
The trophy was made of bubbles.
The mayor said, We honor the one-legged
motorcycle with this trophy because in a month
we will have to burn the one-legged motorcycle.
The festival celebrating the one-legged motorcycle had raised thirty four dollars.
361
The motorcycle was useless.

It ate too many biscuits.
The town was running out of biscuits.
After all the bubbles melted the one-legged
motorcycle bought a microwave.
It was on sale.
The microwave cost thirty one dollars.
The mayor felt a mild sense of accomplishment.
He bought a sparkled notebook to celebrate
this mild sense of accomplishment.
The day after he bought his sparkled notebook
someone yelled bad things at the mayor.
In his sparkled notebook the mayor wrote, I
used to think I was a good person.
The beard on the one-legged motorcycle began
wearing a motorcycle helmet.
362
The one-legged motorcycle walked to candy

land.
A lot of birds were chirping.
The weather was yummy.
It tasted like clams.
All the clouds were dancing.
The one-legged motorcycle turned into a tootsie roll and the beard wearing the motorcycle
helmet began to eat the one-legged motorcycle.
The beard was standing under an elm tree.
It got cold.
The beard put on a sweater.
The weather and the sweater were both red.
After the beard finished eating the tootsie roll
he realized it was the worst day that humanity
had ever experienced.
363
the turd
Yesterday, I saw a turd on the sidewalk and it
said, Yesterday, I was drinking a cup of icedtea while the iced-tea was eating beans and one
of the beans that the iced-tea was eating said,
toad, and thats how I turned into a toad.
364
g2b4c
An eleven year old grandfather ordered a new
computer.
It was a g2b4c model.
The new computer was overweight.
The eleven year old grandfather started making
noise on the overweight g2b4c.
The noise sounded like someone sweating.
Everyone was a cloud.
The weather patterns were dancing.
Someones dad turned into a balloon.
The g2b4c got tired of listening to the eleven
year old grandfathers rap music.
365
All the rap songs were about cleaning your

mouth until your teeth turned into gold.
The g2b4c didnt have a mouth.
366
my pet bird used to know how to do

neon karate lady motions
The peacock said, I am about to lose my shit
because I got an email from someone who told
me that all my shit would be lost this afternoon
and now Im literally having a mental breakdown at the thought of all my shit being lost.
367
the shirt everyone wears when they

dance naked in the middle of their
buttholes football field
A stress-relief capsule was sitting in an empty
room.
Someone with two eyeballs entered the room
and said, Looks like you have the whole place
to yourself.
The stress-relief capsule said, Yep.
There was a television living inside a dog.
The stress-relief capsule watched the television
until there was a dog inside the television that
was inside a dog.
The room continued to fill.
The stress-relief capsule waited for the room to
get empty again, but the room only got smaller
368
and smaller until there was no more space left

in the room for the stress-relief capsule so it had
to leave the room.
Thirty years passed.
The stress-relief capsule got married to a puppy
that was born from a television that lived inside
a dog.
369
i cant wait until my dog hugs me

with the insides of his mouth, said
the liquid pork chop milkshake
The air conditioner bought an igloo in the
Pacific Northwest and stole a pair of flip flops
from a bottle of kombucha.
The igloo melted into the Pacific Ocean.
The Pacific Ocean bought the air conditioner.
Someone shot every college student in america
with a machine gun.
The Pacific Ocean laughed at all the dead college students.
Someone started shooting high school students.
The empty bottle of kombucha stole all the
guns and mailed them to Neptune.
370
The people who had been shooting all the high

school students bit off their hands and jumped
in the Pacific Ocean.
The only college student left in the world complained because the Pacific Ocean said it was a
negro when it applied to college.
The Pacific Ocean went to the most prestigious
university in Idaho.
The only college student left in the world was
not really a college student.
He worked at a coffee shop.
Once he drank his boss poop because he
thought it was an ice coffee.
When the boss asked the boy who wasnt a college student what he wanted to do with his life,
the boy nodded and said, drink poop.
371
t.c.p.w.a.g.d.a.w.l.t.h.r.f.c.i.t.l.t.c...
The calm potato wore a gray dress and wrote
letters to his roommate from college. In the letters, the calm potato talked about how calm he
felt about everything.
372
the summer that cake was not

technically cake
The husband specialist was married to the wife
specialist on the day their cake was delivered,
but technically they were not a couple until the
husband specialist got trained and certified as a
husband.
It was not easy to train and certify the husband
specialist because he saw no reason to be trained
and certified in something he already believed
he was specialized in.
After a lot of needling from the wife specialist,
the husband specialist signed up for night classes
at a local community college.
The husband specialist only did half of the assignments and didnt study for his certification
test.
The husband specialist failed the written seg-
373
ment of the examination and was forced to divorce the wife specialist.
He moved back in with his parents.
After a month of being depressed, the husband
specialist started making sounds with his mouth
while his friend Bruce made noise with a guitar.
374
my eyeball hurts because it has been

looking at the computer too much
and i wish i could buy a new eyeball
A cardboard box had a sign on it that said,Press
the add new box button if you would like a
new box. I could not find the add new box
button so I pressed a toad that was sitting next
to the box.
375
i like this story because the rainbow

saves everyone except the bad people
The rainbow bought some gypsies in the Taiwanese neighborhood of Oakland California
that had been relocated to Idaho. The locals
didnt like the gypsies and had been spitting on
them until the rainbow showed up and shot the
locals with laser guns.
376
this is the story about doing hula

hoops while riding the bus
We were sitting on every porch of every house
in every city of the world thinking about the
lawn chairs from the small town where our pubic hairs first sprouted from the armpits of our
cultural understanding.
377
i dont even know what this story is

about but i still like it
Half of the people related to me moved to
Neptune because they heard there was some
reduced fat, two-percent milk that wanted to
get drunk.
378
this is a very popular story because

it got a three percent rating in my
mothers book club
The background color in the picture on the
wall behind my boss office chair was ffff00
which is a very bright yellow, but I changed the
color to g2b4c and the now my boss thinks
the picture is overweight.
379
there are so many people eating

potato chips right now
The bag of potato chips asked the man with
noodles growing out of his face where he got
his noodles.
The man with noodles growing out of his face
said, You are not really a bag of potato chips.
You are just hungry and wish you were a bag of
potato chips so you could eat yourself.
380
the pet bird who taught my goldfish

how to do neon karate lady motions
I bought a neon flavored shit because I thought
it would hide my rusted armpits, said the boy
whose armpits were so rusted he could not remove his neon shirt.
381
the boss who had a fever

Seven fevers crawled into the boss that had a
fever.
One of the fevers was named K(d)oug.
The boss tried to eat some soup.
His face turned into a chimney.
Fever juices fell out the top of the chimney.
K(d)oug laughed and ate the soup that the sick
boss could not eat.
The other six fevers were named Pimpko,
Lerd, Wurt, Melonberry, Pift, and Lilooleeli.
The boss realized the only way that he would
get rid of his fever chimneys was if he quit his
382
job and the company hired a woman to replace

him.
The boss decided not to be a boss.
After the boss that was not a boss stopped being a boss he asked his former employer if they
would hire his sister.
The company laughed at the former boss fever
chimneys.
A guy named Glengoogigigoo was hired to
be the new boss.
The former boss continued to have fevers.
All the soup that he tried to eat turned into
more fevers.
The former boss decided he would rather be
remembered as the boss that went insane than
the boss who had fevers.
The boss that was no longer a boss killed the
Glengoogigigoo.
383
The former boss company hired a new Glengoogigigoo.

The boss that was no longer a boss killed the
new Glengoogigigoo.
People were concerned.
The Glengoogigigoos kept getting killed.
Finally, the company hired a lamb chop to be
the new boss.
Some of the fevers left the boss who was no
longer a boss.
He felt a little better and accepted that he would
always be filled with some sort of fever.
384
the guy holding a plastic bottle of

tonic water
The albino man held a plastic bottle of tonic
water while he rode the bus.
There was a non-albino girl sitting across from
him.
The albino man asked the non-albino girl if she
wanted to drink some of his tonic water.
She said she didnt drink from plastic bottles
because tiny plastic microbials once gave her
father cancer and she was tired of her fathers
cancer eating all of the familys money.
The albino man continued to hold his plastic
bottle of tonic water.
The plastic bottle slowly melted into the albino
mans stomach.
385
Tiny plastic microbials began to pee on the

tooth living inside the albino mans right kidney.
386
everyone hates this story because it

is about a naked wizard
I wanted to find a book I had never touched
before so I went to the island of empty salsa jars.
I found thirty-two empty salsa jars.
A wizard lived in the last empty salsa jar I found.
He asked me to explain the exact details that
brought me to his island of empty salsa jars.
I said, I want to touch a book that Ive never
touched before.
The wizard asked me to describe every book I
had ever touched.
I was tired so I told him I had never touched
a book.
He laughed.
387
There was a scar on the wizards chest.

The scar on the wizards chest said, When I
was your age I worked in an air conditioned
office building that my father had built on the
roof of our family dog.
Every day at four p.m. the scar on the wizards
chest would leave the air conditioned office and
walk down his familys dog to the bus stop.
He rented an apartment in the part of town
where poor people lived.
He was the richest poor person in the neighborhood.
The scar of the wizards chest was so rich that
he was voted most likely to become a wizard.
The wizard said, I am glad I turned into a wizard because if I had never turned into a wizard
then my dog would have been sold to pirates
after my father retired.
Because the wizard became a wizard he was
able to turn the family dog into a pretzel.
388
After his father retired, the wizard tacked this

pretzel to the roof of the office building that
used to live on the roof of the family dog.
389
a g2b4c
A girl who was too big for childhood called me
while I was talking to my wig braider.
I told the girl who was too big for childhood
to call me when I was done talking to my wig
braider.
We were at a tattoo parlor. My wig braider was
getting a neon crystal spray painted on his teeth.
I was thinking about buying a unicorn, but all
my money was invested in a new beeping machine for my toaster.
After my wig braider got done getting spray
painted we played some basketball.
My wig braider could dunk because he used to
be a dinosaur.
After the game my wig braider said, I have to
390
go to outer space to buy new basketball shoes.

He closed his eyes and didnt move for a few
minutes.
When my wig braider got back from outer
space he was wearing new boots.
He gave me his old boots.
They were too small for me so I called someone
who had small feet, but she was already wearing
boots.
My wig braider told me to throw his old boots
at the alien that had followed him back from
outer space.
I threw a boot at an elderly man.
He began to cry.
My wig braider said, It will be okay. That elderly man is my dad.
It was not okay.
The elderly man died.
391
I took all my toaster beeping investments and

gave them to my wig braider to pay for his dads
funeral.
The elderly man was buried in a shoe box.
After the funeral my wig braider said, That
wasnt my dad. I used your toaster beep investments to buy a new spacesuit.
My wig braider was wearing a tank top.
He said he had to go back to outer space.
I watched my wig braider close his eyes for a
few minutes.
While my wig braider was in outer space I
stumbled around someones basement.
A girl who was too big for childhood came
downstairs and said,You never called me back.
I blushed and said, I was in outer space.
The girl who was too big for childhood said,
You dont even know my name do you?
392
I shrugged.
My wig braider returned from outer space.
His spacesuit caught on fire.
I bought him a light bulb.
The space suit stopped burning.
The light bulb began to blink.
We went to an arcade.
I touched a machine full of stuffed animals.
A boy in a flannel shirt ate some quarters.
I felt uncomfortable because my wig braider
was wearing two pairs of pants.
A river of quarters floated into the arcade managers kidneys.
One of the wig braiders pair of pants was too
small.
393
His other pair was too big.

I asked the wig braider if I should dye my hair
orange.
He said we should buy a ferris wheel.
The girl who was too big for childhood was
sitting at the top of the ferris wheel.
She shouted, My name is Cynthia Lady Neon
Moon Puppy.
My wig braider bought the ferris wheel.
It cost forty-eight billion dollars.
We celebrated by sitting on a motel bed with
some of our friends.
Most of our friends had long hair and wore
male-style boots, but I could not tell what gender our friends were.
The motel beds began to sink.
I realized we were on a beach near Alaska.
394
My wig braider used the motels phone to call

his father.
I put on a dress shirt and made a confused face.
The wig braider hung up the phone and chased
seven seagulls across the beach.
One of the seagulls looked like it was going to
get eaten by my wig braider, but my wig braiders wig fell off.
Cynthia Lady Neon Moon Puppy came running out from behind a pile of dirt and threw
my wig braiders wig in the ocean.
I jumped in after it.
My wig braiders wig began to swim away.
I worried I was going to drown.
My wig braider rented a go-cart and swam after
his wig.
We ended up back in Idaho.
The palm trees were cloudy.
395
The bed sheets in the motel we checked into

had floral prints.
My wig braider found a dead mouse and hung
it on one of his gold necklaces.
396
cndy and ncky were best friends

Two people existed from the same neck muscle.
One of them had blonde hair.
The other shaved her head.
Their parents told them they had to get jobs.
The two people who existed from the same
neck muscle got a job at the video store.
A few days after they were hired the video store
burned down.
neck muscle tried to climb a tree.
They could not climb a tree.
They needed more necks to climb the tree.
397
The tree only allowed one person per neck.

neck muscle sat under the tree.
The one with blonde hair said,I want a puppy.
The other one tried to be a puppy.
It began to rain.
The rain turned into snowflakes.
The snowflakes turned into snowplows.
The snowplows turned into large army tanks.
The large army tanks turned into glass containers of jelly.
The glass containers of jelly slowly rotted until
they were an avocado.
neck muscle ate an avocado.
The sun went down.
398
People tried to burn the sky with fireworks.

The ozone melted.
Aliens tried to repair the ozone.
Some of the people on earth shoot at the aliens
with nuclear weapons.
The ozone melted even more even though it
had already all melted.
No one paid attention to the two people who
existed from the same neck.
The one with the shaved head fell asleep.
The other one stayed up late watching the puppy that lived inside the television that lived inside the puppy.
399
the end vol. 1

The car that owns the family across the street
ran away last night with a kitten named Yellow
Snowflake.
400
the end vol. 2

We bought a wheel barrow because we thought
it would be a good daughter.
401
the end vol. 3

The girl who was not too big for childhood
called me yesterday and asked if she could buy
one of my teeth.
402
the end vol. 4

I was going to touch a lamp, but someone had
already touched it.
403
the end vol. 5

After I ate bread, I touched my lip to make sure
my lip hadnt turned into bread.
404
the end vol. 7

Whenever I see people wear sunglasses I wish
they would turn into an alien.
405
the end vol. 8

I bought a rhinoceros because I heard they are
friendly and they know how to meow if you
cuddle with them.
406
the end vol. 11

Someone threw their comb at a traffic light because the traffic light was growing butterflies.
407
Epilogue
Nothing in this book makes any sense.

I am happy with the skin on my body after this
book was done being written.
Someone needs to sell me all their trophies.
I want to buy my dog a meat trophy.
There are two kinds of cheese. Both eat brains.
408
The only person who is still alive has butt tenacles.

I read a magazine about everyones butt tenacles.
There is an ever-lasting supply of waffles in my
brain.
IVE NEVER BEEN TIRED.
Someone sold my sweat in a milk jar.
There are too many meats and too many people
and not enough meat trophies.
Everyone should keep four-hundred billion
meat trophies in their refrigerator.
I want to be a religion.
409
Someone needs to by me a cinnamon spaceship.

Does anyone remember when we were still
monkies?
Where is all the dough that used to live in my
neck?
I want three kinds of flavored meat on my
birthday when I turn six, said the peacock that
lived in my wallet.
Whoever wrapped my entire body in plastic last
night while I was sleeping deserves to be the
president of the united states.
I havent laughed.
My arms are numb.
410
The triceps on my left thigh are beginning to

turn into an overweight male grandfather.
Someone should find my uncle because I think
he turned into a balloon.
I heard everyone is allergic.
Im worried about my arms.
Someone just bought my elbow.
I sold my elbow for a jar of raspberries.
There are flute monkies playing country music
outside my window.
I think I want to invent money.
There are too many people named Gork.
411
The lemonade stand that I invented so I could

retire ran out of nickels and went out of business.
I almost enjoyed something today, said the
lump of worm that was evaporating on the
sidewalk.
412
What it Feels Like When You Cry With

Your Brain
a book about what it feels like when you cry with your brain
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
What it Feels Like to Cry With Your Brain
a book about what it feels like to cry with your brain
This book was written on June 16th 2012. Its about the
What it Feels Like to Cry With Your Brain
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. denzel washington. laundry. Am I pretty?]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., four crinkled brain.
Originally published by a living person.
ISBN-10: 0615664784
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I am talking on the
phone. 3. Its not my birthday. 4. I will eat cake anyway. 5.
Even though its too late.

June 2012
Denzel Washington wore a gray wig and sat in

the bathroom of his motel. He was not wearing a shirt. His doctor recently told him he was
four-hundred pounds overweight. He went
outside. Things were wet. The weatherman said,
Everyone is going to start crying soon. Denzel Washington got wet.
415
People just want a reason to party, said Denzel Washington as he held his bowling ball and
waited for the bowling ball to start glowing.
416
Denzel Washington sat on the ground next to

the bus stop. He wore reebok sneakers. A tooth
in his head was missing. The earring in his right
ear was a feather. He bought the earring at a
carnival. Someone once told him that yellow
feathers reduce back pain. Denzel Washington
didnt have any back pain. He wore the feather
earring because he thought it was cool.
417
The air conditioning in Denzel Washingtons

house was broken. He smelled his armpits. The
maid who usually cleaned his armpits had retired. Denzel Washington could smell something that reminded him of the milk he had
drunk three days earlier.
418
Denzel Washington came out of the kitchen

and began yelling. He was holding a container
of orange juice. There was no juice left in the
container.
419
The other team kept making shots. Denzel Washington tried to make a layup, but he
missed the backboard. The other team scored
again. Denzel Washington grabbed the ball and
lay down on the court. He hugged the basketball until everyone went home.
420
The party invitation said, Bring your bathing

suit. Denzel Washington showed up wearing a
red pair of shorts. His beach towel had a picture
of Denzel Washingtons face on it. The party
hosts apologized and told Denzel Washington
that no one was allowed in the above-ground
pool because it had a leak. Denzel Washington
spent the rest of the party sitting next to the
pool, watching it leak.
421
Denzel Washington sat in his garage and got

drum lessons from J Mascis. Whenever Denzel
Washington messed up on the drums a baby koala ran up and punched J Mascis in the stomach.
422
There was a meeting about leveraging human

computation. Denzel Washington was invited
to be the guest speaker. He was still wearing his
red bathing shorts. His speech was about how
to improve multimedia retrieval systems while
maintaining the cultural heritage of every human thats ever lived. Before Denzel Washington
spoke someone threw a milkshake at him. The
milkshake hit Denzel Washington in the face.
Everyone laughed. Denzel Washington laughed
too. Someone wiped the milkshake off Denzel
Washingtons face using a spoon. Denzel Washington continued to laugh. He did not stop
laughing until all the pine needles on his face
were clean.
423
Denzel Washington forgot to take his laundry

out of the washing machine and one of his
neighbors pooped on the damp clothes in the
washing machine.
424
The documents that proved Denzel Washington

was not a robot got lost so he drew a picture of
his face on a piece of sausage.
425
Should I tell someone that I used to be a professional pine cone and that I once killed two
dead oak leaves, asked Denzel Washington as
he was driving his tuna can to the repair shop
to get new rubber.
426
Denzel Washingtons computer shut down this

morning while he was trying to send an email.
The computer would not turn back on. There
was a small red light hiding inside the computer.
Denzel Washington tried to touch the red light,
but it was deep inside the computer and would
not come out.
427
The box of recycling in Denzel Washingtons

kitchen had been piling up for weeks. There
were seventy thousand empty diet soda bottles.
One of the bottles had a slug living inside of it.
428
Denzel Washington had a fever. He called the

doctor and said, I think an insect nibbled on
my brain. The doctor told Denzel Washington
that he needed surgery. Denzel Washington said
he would perform the surgery himself.
429
I have seven grandchildren in my curly armpits, said Denzel Washington when he was
fourteen years old and had just been caught
stealing womens underwear from the k-factory
store.
430
A mother with pizza teeth told Denzel Washington to kiss her babies. Denzel Washington
ran away to his urban tee pee. The mother had
eaten so much pizza that literally all her teeth
had turned into fragments of pizza crust.
431
Denzel Washington said, All my fathers used

to work at a Chinese restaurant that sold laser
broccoli.
432
The guy who cut Denzel Washingtons hair

didnt use scissors. Instead he rubbed each of
Denzel Washingtons individual hairs with sandpaper until they were a medium length.
433
Denzel Washington started doing stand-up

comedy. At his first show he said, Ive never done stand-up comedy before. Everyone
laughed.
434
The guy who sold Denzel Washington a car

asked Denzel Washington what it felt like to
buy a car. Denzel Washington ignored the car.
435
A woman handed Denzel Washington a baby.

He held the baby. The baby had a brother. The
baby asked Denzel Washington to hold the
brother. Denzel Washington held the babys
brother. A woman danced on the babys forehead.
436
There was an alien standing at the top of a hill,

looking down at a village. Denzel Washington
shot the alien with an arrow gun.
437
Denzel Washington fell in love with a spoon.

The spoon said, Im dirty. Denzel Washington
nodded. The spoon took a bath. Denzel Washington put the spoon in his mouth.
438
The tattoo on Denzel Washingtons face itched.

He called a man who liked to itch faces. Denzel
Washington got his face itched.
439
Denzel Washington bought a red hat. Denzel

Washington had a large head. The hat was on
sale.
440
Two girls crossed the street. Denzel Washington chewed on some ice and waited for them
to finish crossing the street. The girls yelled at
an automobile. The automobile rented a pizza.
The pizza told Denzel Washington to grow a
mouth in his forehead. The mouth in Denzel
Washingtons forehead ate the two girls. Denzel
Washington built a snowman to celebrate.
441
Denzel Washington asked a pawn shop if it

bought penises.
442
All of the clothes in Denzel Washingtons life

were dirty. He went to the clean laundry store.
Most of the people in the clean laundry mat
had orange hair. One of them was videotaping
themselves. Denzel Washington punched the
video camera and it turned into mud. Denzel
Washington ate the video camera that turned
into mud.
443
A piece of Denzel Washingtons face smiled

while Denzel Washington wore a blue shirt. He
felt good. In middle school Denzel Washington
had been a professional trumpet. The blue shirt
that Denzel Washington was wearing started a
band. It couldnt find any gigs. Denzel Washington touched his cellphone. It did not like being
touched.
444
Denzel Washington made an effort to mentally be relative to the position where he used to
think he existed. He no longer understood himself. A piece of Denzel Washingtons brain tried
to explain the known through the unknown.
The unknown asked why Denzel Washington
why it was unknown. Denzel Washington ignored the unknown and talked to an empty
plate that used to be filled with dirt. The dirt
got ate. Denzel Washington joined a community garden.
445
The insignificant parts of Denzel Washington

tried to bring the significance of his image closer to our understanding of who Denzel Washington was.
446
A man wearing Denzel Washingtons body

gained weight. Denzel Washington tried to lose
this extra weight by purchasing an airplane.
447
Denzel Washington said, I usually imagine my

life as one involving a man dressed up as Denzel
Washington living out all the moments that Ive
ever bothered to remember.
448
A man inside Denzel Washingtons body was

wearing cutoff jean shorts and a purple shirt
with dolphins on it.
449
Very simply, I am standing naked in the mouth

of a god, said Denzel Washington as he stood
on the roof of his apartment, naked, at two
a.m., on a Wednesday night in the brontosaurus
month of commercial programming.
450
Denzel Washington collected images in a pouch

he kept on the side of his brain.
451
The image of Denzel Washington can unite

people with each other and it can make you
feel more emotions, said Denzel Washington
as he tried to sell a shirt with a picture of his
face on it.
452
Denzel Washington saw a small round, white

boy and called him a cantaloupe. Denzel Washington ate the boy until the boy turned into a
lampshade.
453
People named Denzel Washington were the

vehicle of all thought for people named Denzel Washington.
454
Denzel Washington was the name of the piece

of yogurt covered lint that Denzel Washingtons
mother used to feed him when he had a fever.
455
Someone made a movie where Denzel Washington was able to express every idea he ever
had by saying only one word.
456
Denzel Washington realized his resources were

becoming more and more limited.
457
Someone inside Denzel Washingtons face decided to become an abstract thought that can
only speak in algebraic constants.
458
Denzel Washington unconsciously told someone that he was thinking of exchanging his
body for a moth suit.
459
Epilogue
A human climbed on top of another human

and kissed his own bicep.
The human pressed his face on a non-human
until the non-human began to glow.
There was a mosquito that gave up eating other
mosquitoes.
A sage bush grew a face that was sad so it donated its face to a flower.
The human started talking to another human
about all the humans that had lived inside his
father.
A honey basket had six or seven other honey
baskets inside of it. One of the honey baskets
inside the honey baskets had a unique human
smell. All the snowflakes in this smell were not
460
quite organic. The human sniffed these non-organic snowflakes until his belly button turned
into a nipple with mental soup brain syndromes
that had never existed inside of a human before.
The human was a mediocre quarterback. Before
the state championship, he bought his coach
some chocolate. After the mediocre human
quarterback lost the state championship, the
coach went home and found his dog had eaten
all the chocolate. The coach called a dog hospital. The dog turned into a raisin.
Three bunnies were born inside a woodchuck
that was owned by the football team. One of
the bunnies had a human face. It ate some of the
other bunnies. There was an earthquake. The
uneaten bunnies fell into an earthquake tunnel
and didnt stop falling until they landed inside a
diamond village within the outer core of earth.
The human kissing his bicep suffered a stroke.
All the brain cells in his bicep ate chocolate
candy bars until the brain cells of his bicep were
small plastic toy versions of himself.
Disco music was playing inside the diamond
village. The uneaten bunnies danced.
461
The human pressed his plastic brain cells on the

non-human face of his computer screen and
waited for the young deer that lived inside his
favorite video to appear.
A honey butterfly ate the young deer inside the
popular internet video. People on the internet
began to scream until real-life humans started
sweating.
The human pressing his bicep on a non-human glow opened his mouth because he was
tired. He touched his hair with his left hand. He
opened his mouth again.
I have not cried since I put four pieces of love
in my butt yesterday, said the human.
A bowling alley sat next to a human and waited
for someone to ask it why it was sitting next to
a human.
Two loaves of neighborhood bread gathered on
a porch to yell at their disobedient children.
The human touched a former professor on the
side of his face to make sure the professor was
462
real. The professor drooled on his own salsa.

Something sat on the edge of a bed, waiting
for a teardrop to swell and drown itself in the
ice cooler.
People were touching ears and other things.
A guy yelled at another guy about all the soap
residue that existed under the humans smallest
toenail.
The human felt good about the sandwich he
found wrapped in an almond skin on the side
of the road.
A tricycle was on a tricycle. It did not know
how to ride the tricycle. The tricycle broke. A
dog barked and looked puzzled. There was a
lump of meat in the middle of a yard. The dog
did not want to eat the yard. The lump slowly
rose up and flew away. The dog watched lump
of meat pretend to be a kite.
The human wished he was a urine. The urine
lived inside the urine man. The urine man was
a non-urine man. Small pieces of the urine man
leaked from the eyes of the non-urine man.
463
A drum beat living inside a human face wore a

hockey jersey. On the front of the hockey jersey
it said, I was born on a meteor.
The human wore ski poles and broke his leg.
He drank hot chocolate the rest of the winter.
When his leg healed the human turned into
three humans. Each of the three humans had
to give a presentation on electric currents. One
of the humans was wearing a lot of winter hats.
Every time this human removed a hat there was
another hat underneath. There were an endless
number of hats. One of the hats held in a yawn
until it began to leak fruit smells.
A human practiced being a human before he
decided he was ready to be a human.
The poodle that lived in the small fragment of
meat eventually turned into a lake that floated
next to a kite that did not have any legs, but still
signed up for a popular dance competition at
the local night club.
The human lost his voice and had to buy a new
one that sounded hollow and metallic.
464
An object with eyes looked at the object that

didnt have eyes. The object with eyes blinked.
The object without eyeballs sat down. The
moon yawned. There was a fire in northern
Vermont. All the gazelles were trying to burn
the dairy farmers.
The human waited outside of a building. The
human was holding a stack of blueprints. Some
of the blueprints were crumpled. The human
wore regular jeans. It took over ninety-two
gallons of water to produce this pair of regular
jeans. Later, the human offered a plate of food
to another human who was trying to learn how
to make electricity from used tissues.
The object with a normal-looking face, but
swollen armpits accidentally spit warm liquids
on the object with a swollen face. The object
with swollen armpits lightly cleaned the face of
the object whose face was wet and swollen.
Thirty-five years ago, shampoo was invented by
a drug dealer named fluffy bubbles. A recent
documentary about his life revealed that he was
born as a piece of lasagna and spent the majority
of his life trying to prove to the world that he
could be more than a piece of lasagna.
465
A human with twelve or thirteen ears growing

on the left side of his face said, I can hear the
tall grass of my childhood blink. The next day,
this human celebrated their third birthday. At
the celebration some children made cake smears
on the inside of the above-ground swimming
pool.
Some humans emailed some other humans a
picture of a piece of lint that looked human.
A door opened. Someone entered a room. All
the ponies in the room were insulated.
The young man who was supposed to become
a wrinkled adult began having an allergic reaction to the development of his wrinkles and he
rubbed them off with an abrasive object that
was normally used to remove grease from the
heart of a dead flake of beef.
The human looked in a bowl. It was cloudy.The
human had filled the bowl with cloudy urine.
466
The Person That Hurt Their Keyboard

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on July 4th 2012. Its about how
swamps are not people even though they want to be people.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. golf tips. people being people]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., this book is forty years long.
ISBN-10: 0615666507
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. My back has been
hurting recently 3. This morning I stretched my hamstrings.
4. My back feels better. 5. Its important to strech your hamstrings.

June 2012
The guy next to me on the bus used to be a

person. He liked to hurt his keyboard.
There was once a boat. It sunk.The guy next to
me on the bus said, I wouldnt be on this bus if
my boat hadnt sank.
After the boat sank, the guy next to me on the
bus traded his keyboard for a pair of golf clubs
because he didnt want to hurt his keyboard
anymore.
A person on the bus said, I dont like golf. Ive
never even played.
His name was Mitchell.
469
When the bus stopped Mitchell asked if I wanted to carry his golf clubs.
It took us three weeks to walk to the nearest
golf course.
Every night Mitchell would buy me a can of
beans.
Before we went to bed I would spend an hour
oiling his golf clubs.
The golf course had an official snowflake mascot that wore a cardigan sweater.
There were no golf carts left in the United
States. They had all been replaced by large ponies. Each pony cost forty-five dollars to rent.
Mitchell and I rented two large ponies.
Every golf ball Mitchell hit went in the hole.
470
A crowd gathered. After he finished playing

someone gave him a free shirt because he broke
the course record. That night, for the first time
since we met, we could afford to sleep in separate beds.
The next day Mitchell was hired by the professional golfing association. We had to sit inside
a jet.
The jet landed in Mississippi.
We each ate four orders of onion rings when
we got to the hotel.
Mitchell continued to hit every golf ball in a
hole.
A lot of businesses paid Mitchell to touch their
products. He was hesitant to touch anything.
471
He continued to use the same golf clubs until

one of them broke.
A few people wondered if the golf balls would
continue going in the hole.
Mitchell bought a new club.
The golf balls continued to go in the holes.
We slept in a thousand different hotels and
Mitchell won hundreds of golf tournaments.
In Georgia, someone shot Mitchell in the kneecap with a pistol. He was midway through his
golf swing. The ball still went in the hole. He
hit six more golf balls that day. Each one went
in a hole. When the last golf ball went in the
hole, Mitchell rented a large pony and rode it
to the hospital.
People liked to ask Mitchell questions. He did
472
not know how to answer questions. He usually

shrugged.
Once Mitchell said, Sometimes I imagine that
I am a house and that the entire world is a small
pebble. For a long time I left the front door of
my house open and waited for the pebble to
crawl inside me, but the pebble never moved. It
was very frustrating, until I realized the pebble
was waiting for me to crawl inside of it.
A lot of people accused Mitchell of cheating.
Other golfers got tired of Mitchell always winning.
One golfer named Harvey Clem would routinely walk up to Mitchell and spit in his face.
Mitchell didnt mind getting spit on.
A few times fans tried to run out and stop the
ball from going in the hole, but they always
missed and the ball always went in the hole.
473
One night, before a big tournament, I suggested

we eat shellfish. Mitchell was allergic to shellfish, but he didnt tell me until we had eaten all
the shellfish. His arms and fingers swelled up so
much that he couldnt hold onto the golf club.
The next day he taped a golf club to his hands.
He could barely walk and struggled to climb on
his rented pony. Every ball still went in the hole.
For three years Mitchell was the greatest living
professional athlete that ever lived.
Sometimes I forgot about the crowds of people
gathered around him.
After a golf ball went in a hole it was my job to
remove it from the hole.
The only golf ball I never removed from the
hole was the golf ball that didnt go in the hole.
474
The last time Mitchell hit a golf ball it didnt go

in a hole. It finished two feet short of the hole.
A lot of people clapped.
Mitchell lay down next to the golf ball and
looked at it. He didnt move for seven hours.
While Mitchell lay next to his golf ball, a boy
in a wheelchair yelled and clapped.The boy believed his legs would heal if Mitchell tapped the
golf ball in the hole.
Mitchell did not know how to tap a golf ball
in a hole.
No one seemed to recognize the emotional
devastation that Mitchell was experiencing.
I lay down next to Mitchell and watched him
look at the golf ball.
475
Mitchell did not know how to make a ball go in

the hole if the ball didnt want to go in the hole.
Two days later someone finally told us we had
to leave because the tournament was over.
Before we left the golf course Mitchell kissed all
the pieces of grass near his left foot.
A pink cream-colored house stood at the edge
of a plum orchard that was next to the golf
course.
I laid Mitchells golf clubs on a porch.
Mitchell whistled and said, It would probably
take a man a few hundred years to ever figure out why all his golf balls didnt go in their
holes.
We walked until we found a lettuce store. I
476
watched Mitchell put lettuce in his mouth.

Millions of people had watched Mitchell hit
golf balls into holes. Very few people had ever
watched him eat a piece of lettuce.
For three days we walked whenever we werent
hungry.
Sometimes Mitchell watched me eat, but I
mostly watched Mitchell eat.
At the end of a gray cloud there was a swamp.
We could not walk across the swamp. Mitchell found a boat at the edge of the swamp. We
climbed into the boat and floated into the
swamp.
Mitchell and I floated in the swamp for seventeen months.
On weekends we ate toasted pheasant. The rest
477
of the week we ate whatever ended up in our

fish nets.
About once a month we found a few plastic
bags of bread, floating on the surface of the
swamp.We ate the bread until the plastic bags of
bread were empty.
Mitchell taught me to repair the fish nets with
human hair plucked from my own head.
The oars helped us float deeper into the swamp
and further from the gray cloud that hovered at
the edge of the swamp.
One afternoon, after we had been floating on
the swamp for three months, we came to an island where someone had built a tennis court.
Two men in white suits were hitting a yellow
pebble back and forth.
478
Mitchell and I climbed out of our boat and

watched the two men sweat on their white suits.
When their sweat gave up, one of the men in a
white suit ate a yellow pebble.
Mitchell and I climbed back in our boat and
floated until we found another plastic bag full
of bread.
A year passed.
Mitchell rowed until the swamp was not a
swamp anymore. It had turned into a professional tennis court.
None of the people who were involved with
the professional tennis court had ever heard of
the game of golf.
479
Mitchell bought a wooden tennis paddle from

a pregnant mother who had carved it with a
ripened mango knife.
At his first match Mitchell played barefoot. He
didnt score a point. His tennis paddle wilted.
After the match, Mitchell ate a yellow pebble.
Mitchell and I didnt have any money so we had
to sleep on some benches near a bath medicine
festival.
The tennis court was built on the top of a hill,
but the hill was not very big.There was not very
much space for an audience.
Mitchell practiced his tennis lessons every day,
but his abilities only improved slightly. He was
the four-hundred-and-thirty-sixth best player
in professional tennis. He never scored a point.
480
On Mitchells twenty-seventh birthday, his father showed up at the tennis court. His father
was holding a yellow pennant that said, Mitchell.
After the match, Mitchells father took us out to
dinner at a barn that sold various cuts of meat.
As we were eating breadsticks Mitchells father
asked Mitchell if he wanted to be a lawyer.
Mitchell shrugged and ate some more breadsticks.
In the fall, Mitchell started law school at Stanford. He became very busy trying to learn how
to make people innocent.
I got a job making sandwiches near the university.
I often put too much cheese on the sandwiches.
481
One afternoon, during lunch, I was supposed

to make a seafood salad sandwich, but instead I
put eighteen slices of provolone cheese on the
bread.
The manager of the sandwich shop recognized
my inability to make sandwiches so he made me
sweep up the sandwich crumbs.
On Fridays we got money. I spent all my money
on sweaters. Each week I bought six or seven
different sweaters.
The sweaters liked to eat sausage and egg sandwiches in the morning, but I didnt feed them
anything. Instead, I folded them and put them
in a large wooden chest.
I bought the wooden chest from a gnome who
installed an igloo in his bedroom because he
didnt want to sweat while he slept.
The igloo was made out of frozen pale berry
482
crystals that were stolen from a guy who had

too many frozen pale berry crystals. The guy
with too many frozen pale berry crystals didnt
notice when people stole his frozen pale berry
crystals.
I stole a sack of frozen pale berry crystals and
sold them on the internet for thirty thousand
dollars.
To celebrate all the money I earned I bought
ten thousand sweaters. Each sweater cost
six-hundred dollars.
I was in debt for over 1.7 million dollars.
I got so scared I almost killed myself, but instead
I stole some more frozen pale berry crystals.
Everyone liked my frozen pale berry crystals
because I wrote a book called, Frozen Pale
Berry Crystals, and it got turned into a movie
called Transformers 4 starring Shia Labeouf.
483
In the movie, Shia Labeouf buys forty-thousand sweaters and every morning he puts one
in a blender with some orange juice. When the
blender is finished he drinks the sweater juice.
It took me almost three hours to pay off my
sweater debt.
The Food Network called me and asked if I
wanted to be on a reality show.
The president of the Food Network had seen
Transformers 4 and he thought the movie
was based on a true story.
Everyone was disappointed when the first episode of my reality show aired because I didnt
put any of my sweaters in a blender. Instead, I
put one on my body. After a few minutes I took
off the sweater and folded it. I was tired so I
took a nap. When I woke up I put the sweater
in a wooden chest.
484
My reality show was canceled after the first episode.

I met a teddy bear after my reality show was
canceled, but the teddy bear never communicated with me and we broke up.
The teddy bear was named Levitation Fluff.
I sold the teddy bear to a professional teddy bear
researcher.
The researcher tweaked the code in the teddy bear so he looked purple whenever anyone
named Noodles held him.
The researcher had an uncle named Noodles.
Uncle Noodles hated the color purple.
Once, Uncle Noodles had a yellow dog that got
eaten by a picture of a polar bear that was sixty-five percent purple.
485
After Uncle Noodles yellow dog was eaten,

Uncle Noodles broke all the hummus containers in his dads house.
All the hummus in the world got out of control.
I was four years old when all the hummus was
out of control.
The hummus was so out of control that my
mother lost her job and my father tried to shoot
a woodchuck.
The woodchuck was a hologram created by my
dads brain to make his life feel more insane.
Sometimes I would watch my father try to
shoot the woodchuck.
Other times I would eat baloney and mustard
sandwiches.
486
I ate baloney and mustard sandwiches for eight

thousand days in a row.
The last time I ate a baloney and mustard sandwich I was on a bus.
The bus drove off a cliff.
No one died after the bus drove off the cliff,
but everyone sort of went insane and hurt their
keyboards.
I hurt my keyboard until Mitchell graduated
from law school and told me to stop.
487
Transformers 4
Sam put on a shirt. There was a picture of a

robot on his shirt. The robot was eating another
robot. Sam took off the shirt. He was tired of
robots eating other robots.
488
Slowly, the crunchy robot lowed its metallic

bear face into the handsome crunchy robot that
wanted to eat a metallic bear face.
489
The afternoon was warm. Sam called his

ex-girlfriend. She was sweating. Sam asked his
ex-girlfriend why she was sweating. She said she
was worried that robots were going to throw
yogurt at her.
490
One of the crunchy robots said,In america, the

major political dialogue has been about rights,
the fundamental rights of humans, set forth in
the declaration of independence, but little justice is provided to the crunchy robots that live
inside things that are not human.
491
Sam ate a bowl of crunchy robots. All the

crunchy robots were sad that Sam was eating
them.
492
Some people giggled. They were eating cola

drinks. Sam asked why they were giggling. The
people continued to giggle. One of the people
turned into a fat longhair and tried to eat Sams
crunchy robots. Sam ran away. It began to rain.
The cola drinks turned to mud.
493
One of the crunchy robots in Sams bowl

turned into a radioactive spider.
494
Sam gave birth to a child that was seven years

old.The child wanted to kill his daddy. Sam told
the child not to kill his daddy. The child turned
into a crunchy robot. No one killed their daddy.
495
Sam ate the radioactive crunchy robot spider.
496
One of the crunchy robots grew crabs from underneath its robot face. The crunchy robot was
a crab. A few minutes later, the crab arms fell
off the crunchy robot. He didnt have any crab
arms. The crunchy robot only had a crab face.
Sam put on a seagull costume.The crab face robot tried to run away by swimming to the other
side of the earth. Sam used his seagull technique
to fly to the spot where the crab face robot
thought the other side of the earth existed.
Sams seagull costume wilted. The crab face ate
the wilted seagull costume. Sam walked home.
497
A radioactive crunchy robot spider crawled into

Sams intestines and gave him colon cancer.
498
Sam was sweaty. He had walked halfway around

the earth. Once, an airplane dressed as a seagull
had eaten Sam. Before the airplane ate Sam an
older man yawned and the airplane that would
eventually eat Sam flew out of the older mans
yawn.
499
A piece of sweat on Sams left butt cheek was

disguised as a crunchy robot. It ate some pizza.
The pizza smelled like a dog. The heat on this
smell hurt Sams eyes. He continued to sweat
from his left butt cheek. Sam drank the sweat
because he was crying and he was afraid he
would get dehydrated.
500
Sam had his colon removed.
501
The film continued with no dialogue or music.

There was no soundtrack. People looked at the
silence. It didnt move. Some people thought
the silence was wooden. The silence slowly
evaporated into the screen. The film continued.
No one bothered to remember the silence.
502
The surgeon that removed Sams colon was a

miniature squirrel.The miniature squirrel ate all
the cancer in Sams colon.
503
Sams ex-girlfriend wrote him a letter. She

said, Im sitting in a glass of red wine in the
small garden near my friends hot tub. I spent
the morning trying to remove a piece of leukemia from the island where all my relatives were
born. One of my uncles died last night.We buried him in a canoe that is now floating home
towards Tennessee.
504
After the squirrel ate all the cancer in Sams

colon, all the crunchy robots went insane and
tried to kill the president of the united states.
505
One of the crunchy robots that tried to kill

the president was thirteen years old. His family
was poor. The thirteen-year-old crunchy robot
used to play basketball at the university of sixty tiny island gods, but his aunt got sick and
died. Before she died she was delirious and told
the crunchy thirteen-year-old robot to kill the
president because he had put the food in her
that gave her cancer.
506
Sam tried to stop the crunchy robots, but they

killed the vice president.
507
The crunchy robot sun bird flew to the solar

wound that lived inside the sun parakeets belly
and it said, We killed the small man who lives
inside one of the sixty tiny island gods.
508
No one was sure what to do so everyone prayed.
509
The peaches that had sprouted from the solar

wound told the villagers of the sun lip community to each plant one of their limbs in a hole
on the other side of the earth.
510
Democracy prevailed, a few minutes after the

vice president died.
511
A crunchy robot named Ruthmerson Wilkimian grew a fourth head and named it Thurmson. The crunchy robot named Ruthmerson
Wilkimian died a few minutes after the fourth
head was grown. The fourth head named
Thurmson survived the death of his body and
attended a public elementary school. One of the
teachers had lung trouble and asked Thurmson to give him one of his cheek pouches.
Thurmson gave the teacher his cheek pouch.
The teacher replaced his troubled lung with
the cheek pouch. The teacher had a slave that
could read. The slave was named Uncle Sesame.
He read to the teacher while the teacher ate.
Sometimes the slave would be naked when he
read to the teacher who was eating. Thurmson
didnt like living without a body so he stole the
teachers slave and lived inside the slaves parakeet belly.
512
A crunchy robot that lived inside a literate parakeet was elected to be the new vice president.
513
Someone tried to take a picture of the slave

head living inside the vice president, but the
eyeballs on the face of the stomach told the
person holding the camera not to make any
photographs.
514
Sam called his friend, but his friend didnt answer the phone because everyones dad had
been drafted by the army and had to go to war
against the crunchy robots. Sams friend was sad
because he worried that the crunchy robots
would eat his father.
515
Epilogue
The baby that was born from one of Sams teardrops was six
months old and had only eaten one deep-fried-yellow donut
particle. Sam tried to feed the baby more donut particles but
the baby wouldnt eat them because it wanted to be a crunchy
robot. The development of crunchy robots is a unique experience for every individual crunchy robot. Sam used a strip of
masking tape to attach the rest of the donut particles to the
back of his babys head. The president of the united states said
the only way to defeat the crunchy robots was to lure them to
the moon and blow up the moon. Sam went to a coffee shop
and sat down. He opened his laptops. Sam had two laptops.
He used one of them to talk to his ex-girlfriend. The other
one pretended it was a crunchy robot. One of the laptops was
wearing red sneakers. The president was inside the other laptop. Sam tried to remove the president from his laptop, but
the president said he was hiding because he was scared. Sam
was upset because he couldnt use the laptop to talk to his
ex-girlfriend while the president was inside of it. Most of the
crunchy robots who werent trying to kill the president were
sitting on a brown bench that had been nestled between two
green lawn chairs. A crunchy robot tried to sit on one of the
lawn chairs, but he was too heavy and the lawn chair broke.
The crunchy robot who broke the lawn chair was embarrassed that he broke the lawn chair and he decided he wanted
to kill the president because the president probably would
have laughed at the sight of a crunchy robot breaking a lawn
516
chair and falling on the ground. Sam found his old spaceship
in the garage and drove it to the moon. All the crunchy robots
followed him. A sermon once drank from the heart of a landfill where all the dead crab shells lived. The sermon in the
heart of this pulsing orchard ate some of the dead shell meat.
There were two mouths on the sermon. One of the mouths
was for making new sermons.The other mouth was for eating
crab shells. There were too many crab shells to eat. The sermon began eating with both mouths. New sermons were not
born. A mass of unborn sermons lived at the bottom of the
sermons belly with all the dead crab shells. The sermon continued to eat crab shells. The stomach at the heart of this
landfill sermon swelled. After the moon was blown up the
president decided to replace the moon with the overweight
sermon. On the way to the moon Sam called his grandmother. She didnt have a mouth. She had to use computer
software to talk. Sam told his grandmother that he was going
to blow up the moon. His grandmother told Sam not to blow
up the moon because all her inch worms lived on the moon.
The moon was making an oil painting of one of the moons
wives. All the moons wives were inch worms. The oil painting was eight-hundred-billion times larger than the inch
worm. The crunchy robots were obedient to their inner orbits. For nearly five billion years they had been crunchy robots. A giant moon bug tried to eat a crunchy robot as it
floated near the moon, but the giant moon bug could only
smear itself on the face of the crunchy robot. There was a
greenish liquid on the face of the crunchy robot.The crunchy
robot tried to wipe it off, but couldnt. One of the other
crunchy robots told the crunchy robot that had moon bugs
on his face to go home to earth and clean his face. The
crunchy robot with moon bugs on his face returned to earth
and used a sink. Sams spaceship moved at sixty-six thousand
miles an hour which is the same speed that earth uses to orbit
the sun. A small child made of chalk was waiting for Sam on
the moon. The moon said, This is my child. He is an oracle.
517
Sam lost control of his spaceship. The small child made of

chalk was crushed under the weight of the spaceship. It was
autumn somewhere. The moon was upset and burned part of
Sams spaceship. Sam watched his spaceship burn. The fire did
not work very well because there was no oxygen. The moon
gave up. Sam looked at the piece of the spaceship that had
been burned and was emotional stable because the spaceship
had not burned at all. It took Sam a few fragile moments to
put on his moon suit. His moon suit was sponsored by an
inexpensive brand of yellow soda. The moon said, There is
only one person in my world. I am the only person in my
existence. I live without fear of judgment or rejection. At the
very heart of my desire is an acceptance of convenience. The
less earth people need my actual presence, the more I will
depend on them to populate my isolation. The only face I
enjoy looking at is my own even though I have never looked
at my own face. After the crunchy robots landed on the
moon they punched one of the moons small rustic villages in
the eyelid. The moon said, I will miss being the moon when
I retire. I dont want a ceremony. There once was a moon
before me who got tired of being a moon and walked away.
No one ever saw him again. I want to be like that moon. Sam
tried to shoot the crunchy robots with a laser gun, but his
laser beams did not transferred well in the moons atmosphere. All the ponds that lived on the moon were made of
ice. Some of the ponds had lifetime memberships to the
aquarium. The water inside the aquarium on the moon was
made of ice.The pond objects made of ice liked to look at the
aquarium objects made of ice. Sam last used his laser gun to
shoot a decaying piece of ozone that a lazy mosquito forgot
to eat before the parade visited the sections of america where
Sam liked to hang out when he felt depressed about his lack
of menstrual abilities. The moon tried to turn into a crow
sitting in a tree at the edge of the horizon. When Sam was
thirteen his mother told him he couldnt wear her tampons
anymore. Sam ate his fathers baseball glove and ran away from
518
home for seven years. He survived by wearing spiderman pajamas and pretending it was Halloween every day. The
crunchy robots decided to take a nap. Sam went for a walk.
He found a meadow. There was a small bunch of cattle in the
meadow. The small bunch of cattle was looking for some tree
branches to eat. The meadow was the ugliest meadow in the
universe. Sam sat down and rubbed the meadow. Some of the
crunchy robots woke up and began eating the small bunch of
cattle. Sam continued to rub the meadow. The moon said,
Every winter when I am alone a creature visits me. We like
to study each other.The creature eats my wives. He has probably eaten fourteen of my wives. Sam ate his own laser gun.
It had turned into a milk rabbit. Everything on the moon
tasted like plastic. Sam took out a pen and began to draw on
his own moon suit. He drew a penis. The pen was six months
old. The penis on Sams moon suit said, Everything on the
moon is flame retardant. We should make our babies sleep on
the moon so they wont burn. People in the movie theater
watching Transformers Four began to boo. Everyone was
disappointed at the lack of explosions. A fragment of the
movie theater said, Society is concerned with moving images as a way to temper the madness in their own lives that
keeps threatening to explode in the face of whoever looks at
it. The oxygen tank on Sams moon suit stopped working.
He called his mom. She was angry that he went to the moon
without telling her.The other people in the world who arent
Sam watched Sam try to eat the oxygen inside the surface of
the moon. For a brief second, as Sam continued to not
breathe he became aware that gravity was not as important on
the moon. In one final effort to continue living, Sam jumped
farther and higher than he had ever jumped before.The gravity on the moon didnt even bother to hold on. Sam touched
the last breath he had taken. A few minutes passed. Sam drifted away from the moon. He watched some of the crunchy
robots sleep. He watched others violently beat on the moon.
The president called Sams spacesuit. Sam told the president
519
he didnt have any oxygen left. The president asked if all the
crunchy robots were on the moon. Sam lied and said, The
moon is empty and lonely. No one is there. The crunchy robots decided to find a moon that had not existed for hundreds
of years. The president nodded and shot a nuclear weapon at
the moon. As the nuclear weapon dug into the moons empty
loneliness Sam remembered his grandmothers inch worms
and began to cry. A few minutes after the moon blew up
Sams grandmother called and said, I am sad that humanitys
primitive abilities have managed to use the most modern and
terrible of weapons in existence to kill my inch worms. Sam
continued to cry, not for the moon, or for his grandmothers
inch worms, but for himself. He had not eaten supper in three
days. About the time when Sam was going to die because he
didnt have any more oxygen, he found a refrigerator floating
in the middle of the universe. There was a man in the refrigerator who said, I used to be an Indian. Sam crawled into
the refrigerator with the man. There was a lot of oxygen inside the refrigerator. The man had rigged it so the light didnt
turn off when the door closed. The refrigerator was mostly a
refrigerator. Neither the man nor the refrigerator knew
where they were going. They just floated.
520
The Adverse Effects of Dying

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on July 4th 2012. Its about how a lot
of people dont like paying taxes even though theyre probably going to spend their money on dumb things anyway.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. dont kill yourself. dont kill other people]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., this book is worth twelve bags of chips.
ISBN-10: 0615669174
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I am cooking some
beets right now. 3. My roommate is making music with his
keyboard. 4. The internet told me it was okay to eat the
leaves on a beet. 5. Its also okay to eat the leaves on a carrot.

June 2012
A person who was dying had a dream that he

was a person.
523
The family took a picture of some men deconstructing the person who had died. A butterfly landed on the shoulder of one of the men.
The arms of the butterfly were pink. One of
the arms only had one lung.The butterfly asked
the family if they would give him one of their
lungs.
A family member removed his own lung and
gave it to the butterflys arm. A piece of the butterfly that no one had noticed before ate the
lung.
The men finished deconstructing the person
who died. All the men went home. The family
member who gave away his lung regretted the
decision to give away his lung. He had worked
hard to have good lungs. He was not sure why
he had given away one of his lungs.
527
Later, the man with one lung sat quietly at the

dinner table. He did not eat. His lungs were
not hungry. Someone asked him why he was
so quiet and slow. The man with one lung began to cry. His uneaten food was removed so it
wouldnt get wet.
The man cried until he stopped crying.
It was midnight.
The sole lung inside the man was lonely. It
wrote a letter to a girl who moved to a spaceship and got married. The lung struggled to
write the letter. Its thoughts were fragmented.
The letter was written on a piece of carbon
even though carbon was not transferable to the
spaceship.
Eventually, the lung finished his letter. It said,
I had a dream that a space insect gave you a
disease. Watch out for space insects.
528
Before the six-paneled window died it said, I

want to become addicted to meditation. When
the six-paneled window was in college it used
to meditate by moving a piece of salt with his
brain waves.These attempts to move salt pebbles
were mostly failures. The six-paneled window
had tried too hard to become a piece of salt
without realizing that it already had the power
to move objects with its mind by physically listening to what its head told it to do and then
doing it.
531
The droplet of gasoline had been alive for a

couple hundred years. A cat ate the gasoline.
The cat had a mustache.
535
The forgotten kung-fu dojo thought, How do

I not die and become a better person to the
people in my life that are not dead?
539
Dying is unfortunate. You are the only person

who is responsible for yourself. If you die then
no one is responsible for you anymore. Other
animals or insects might eat you.
543
A seagull moved into the familys house and ate

the familys refrigerator. The seagull weighed
three-hundred seagulls. In 1837, an average
seagull weighed three-hundred pounds. The
seagull that ate the familys refrigerator had two
beaks.The seagulls mouths were shaped like babies.There was one beak on each of the seagulls
hands.
547
When everyone died we stood around and

watched from a long distance as everyone died.
551
The family only had one face. One of the family members borrowed the face and went to
the store to rent a generator. He hooked up the
wires of the generator to the face and waited for
the face to die. When the face died the family
member tried to keep the face alive by running the generator, but the generator ran out
of gasoline.
555
A glass of water signed up for prayer sessions.

No one in the prayer sessions like the way the
water glass prayed. One of the family members
spit on the face of the glass of water.
559
The removable heartache told the non-removable heartache that it was going to runaway to a
flower barn in the Pacific Northwest when the
apocalypse ended and everyone stopped eating
their own heartaches.
563
The four-year-old unemployed family told a

seventeen-year-old female lima bean that he
had only twelve minutes to live. A doctor accidentally implanted something radioactive inside the cancer that was most likely going to kill
him in a few minutes. The seventeen-year-old
female lima bean asked the four-year-old unemployed family if he liked teenage leafy vegetables. The four-year-old unemployed family
nodded. The seventeen-year-old female lima
bean started sweating. Someone asked someone
if she liked getting kissed by four-year-old unemployed families. Someone said she had never been kissed by a four-year-old unemployed
family because most four-year-old unemployed
families she had met were already dead from the
radiation.
567
People are dying. People are talking about people dying. People are tired of people talking
about people dying. People continue to die even
thought people are tired of people talking about
people dying. People start talking about people
dying in a new way that feels fresh and appeals
to people who are tired of people talking about
people dying. Some people get tired of the new
way that people are talking about people dying.
It still appeals to some people who used to be
tired of the way that people used to talk about
people dying. People start dying inside people
who are tired. People start crawling inside of
people so they can die. Tired people crawl inside people who arent tired. People who arent
tired become tired because thousands of people
have crawled inside of them. People who are
tired because thousands of tired people have
crawled inside of them decide to crawl inside of
tired people who havent crawled inside of any-
571
one yet. The tired people who havent crawled

in anyone and who have an exponential number of people inside of them stop feeling tired
and instead die. The thousands of tired people
inside tired people who are inside dead people begin to panic. A lot of hospitals are called.
The hospitals are tired of dealing with people
inside of people inside of dead people and instead focus on the sort of people who are inside
of people, but dont want to be inside of people. A lot of people are crawling out of people at the hospital. The hospital begins asking
the people who are crawling out of people for
money. The people who crawled out of people dont have any money. The hospitals crawl
inside the people who crawled out of people.
The hospitals are looking for money inside
the people who crawled out of people. There
is no money inside the people who crawled
out of people, but the hospitals enjoy being
inside the people who crawled out of people
even though there is no money. There were still
people inside the hospital when it crawled inside the people who crawled outside of people.
People continue crawling out of people inside
the hospital while the hospital is inside people
who crawled out of people who had once been
inside the hospital before it crawled inside peo-
572
ple who crawled out of people. Because of all

the wasted movement from crawling in and out
of things the worlds resources were becoming
diminished.The hospital was using the majority
of the resources. The people who had crawled
out of people could not get any resources. All
the resources inside the hospitals were inside
people who had once crawled out of people
while they were in a hospital, but the people
who had once crawled out of people could not
use these resources. The hospital was getting fat.
The resources tried to crawl out of the hospital, but the corporate structure of the hospital
would not allow any resources to crawl without
a permit. The hospital got so fat that everything
inside of it turned into mud. The permits cost
four billion dollars per hour to rent.
573
The Toad That Thought It Was a Giant

Baby
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Toad That Thought It Was a Giant Baby
This book was written on July 7th 2012. Its about a professional toad.
The Toad That Thought It Was a Giant Baby
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. raccoons. food gods. love pigeons]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., worth about three dead toads.
Originally published by the wu-tang clan.
ISBN-10: 0615674143
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I forgot I had legs today 3. There was a piece of me that didnt want to remember
where I used to wear legs. 4. The left foot sweated alone. 5.
All my tattoos think they are Tom Cruise.

June 2012
A giant baby had a giant

baby who had a toad that
thought it was a giant baby.
579
The toad gave birth to a

poop.
580
The poop was green.
581
At the center of the green

poop there was a purple
seed.
582
The purple seed tasted like

rainbows.
583
The toads rainbows liked

to wear brown shirts.
584
Everyone got angry and

confused because rainbows
are not brown.
585
The rainbow gave birth to a

poop.
586
Someone who didnt like

brown shirts raped the poop
rainbow.
587
After the poop rainbow

was raped he was afraid
to tell anyone and instead
stole all the candy from his
grandfather.
588
The sheriff told the poop

rainbow not to eat the
grandfathers candy.
589
The poop rainbow ate the

candy.
590
The sheriff had to shoot

the rainbow in the face.
591
The poop rainbow bled out

of his face after he got a
massive shotgun wound on
his face.
592
A snail god crawled out

of the poop rainbows face
wound.
593
The snail god put a band-aid

on the poop rainbow.
594
The sheriff tried to shoot

the snail god.
595
All the bullets bounced

off the snail gods shell.
596
Some of the bullets turned

into volcanoes.
597
The sheriff fell into one of

the volcanoes.
598
The snail god put a volcano

inside of a giant baby pistol
and shot a camel.
599
The camel was made of

things like plastic and
juice.
600
Some of the camel juice

got in the rainbow poops
wound.
601
Giant camel babies started

living in the womb attached
to the poop rainbows wife.
602
The wife got mad at her

womb and divorced the
rainbow poop.
603
A bunch of snowflakes
drifted down from the
grease soul of the moon.
604
Someones father told the

moon to stop raping the
rainbow poop.
605
The moon apologized and

said it had not been aware
that it was raping the poop.
606
nasa convicted the moon

for doing bad things and
told it to go live inside the
volcano with the sheriff.
607
The mayor hired the poop

rainbow to be the new good
sheriff.
608
A dinosaur that used to own

the volcanoes began eating
the mayors children.
609
The poop rainbow didnt

own a gun so he couldnt
shoot the dinosaur.
610
The rest of the mayors

children hid inside a giant
baby that had replaced the
moon.
611
There was no cheese inside

the baby.
612
All the cheese had been

sold to the mouth of Venus
where all of the snail gods
children lived.
613
The mayors family only ate

camel juice because the
only thing to eat inside
moon babies is camel juice.
614
The dinosaur wrote a letter

to the mayor and told him
that he didnt want to eat
the mayors family, he only
wanted to hold them inside
his mouth for a little bit.
615
Some lettuce crops began

growing on the dinosaurs
left eyebrow.
616
The mayor decided he could

trust the dinosaur that had
once eaten some children.
617
The dinosaur let the mayor

sit inside his mouth.
618
A school bus filled with

purple seeds watched the
dinosaur eat the mayor.
619
The school bus owned a nuclear weapon and threw it

at the dinosaur.
620
The nuclear weapon only

exploded a little.
621
One of the explosions kept

yelling the name Brian
over and over.
622
The poop rainbow realized

he was too old to be one of
those proper good sheriffs.
623
The dinosaur was elected

to be the new mayor.
624
The old mayors family tried

to return home, but the
moon baby would not stop
hugging them.
625
The dinosaurs first law as

the new mayor was to turn
all the camel juice into
gold.
626
A bunch of scientists were

hired to sit inside the new
mayors mouth and teach
him how to make camel juice
into gold.
627
The scientists only knew

how to turn camel juice
into cheese.
628
No one told the dinosaur

that cheese was not gold.
629
The poop rainbow bought

a cheese factory and put it
inside a giant baby.
630
The factory did not work

correctly because it only
made berries and no one
liked to eat a kind of berry
that had been inside a giant
infant.
631
The Corporate Structures Nephew

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on July 22nd 2012. Its about a guy
who wants to live inside his father.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. horses. yard sales. basketball sneakers]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., worth about three dead toads.
Originally published by the patrick ewing.
ISBN-10: 061567447X
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I went for a run today. 3. For almost a year my left ankle has hurt. 4. Today I
decided not to wear shoes when I ran. 5. Im tired of babying
my left ankle.
The photographs in this book are from a series called:
driving home from vermont 3:13pm-3:15pm.

June 2012
The corporation gave birth

to a nephew.
635
The nephew rode his bike to

work.
636
The bicycle did not have

health insurance.
637
The bicycles daughter got

a disease.
638
The bicycle bought a cookie

and a space heater to warm
the cookie. He hoped this
would cure his daughters
illness.
639
The corporations nephew

was treated as if it didnt
have the capability of being
a corporations nephew.
640
The bicycle took off his

shoes.
641
The corporation decided to

remove his shoes as well.
He began to throw them at
his nephews.
642
There were ropes attached

to the corporations shoes
so he wouldnt lose them.
643
The corporation had gold

emeralds inside his butt
that were as healthy as
fresh basil leaves.
644
All the nephews living inside

the corporation were rowing
small boats that they thought
were slowly moving towards
god.
645
Corporations used to be a
series of explanations that
enjoyed eating the horizon. All the non-corporations tried to explain to the
nephews inside all the corporations that most of the
babies that existed were
swimming in the horizon.
646
This is a story about a yellow corporation.
647
A grilled bicycle that frequently rubbed itself on

a pair of brown corduroys
bought a yellow nephew
from a purple tube of corporation that had recently
been accused of molestation in an area of the world
that used to be owned by
people who liked to illegally poach fern branches
from uneducated penguin
eggs while they were vacationing in the tuba sex of
a mouth that occasionally
enjoyed touching the raspberry cream of its lip corporation either before or
while it chewed the toasted crumbs of a grilled pair
of corduroy bicycle stains.
648
Im going to fix ever

bad idea my son has ever
thought, said the corporations genitals.
649
There was only one horse

left and it was inside the
corporation. On the left
pupil of the only horse was
a blind tooth that thought
it was a bird that hadnt
quite grown wings. In place
of the wings the bird had
grown two fish.
650
The mother looked at her

corporation and said, I
love you Mr. Oil Puppy.
651
The corporation sold his

mothers womb to a business
man who built a condo in
the space where the corporation used to live.
652
All the office meetings

were dressed as yellow
pears that were approaching manhood. The seagull
with a gold horn sprouting
from its forehead told the
yellow pears to paint their
skill level the color of an
empty hologram.
653
The nephews emptied their

beans in the shoe of someones child and told the
child not to eat the shoe.
654
A bicycle parked in front

of the corporation. The
flowers growing on top of
the corporation laughed
silently. The mountains
living inside this laughter
also laughed silently. The
whole universe was dressed
like a mouth that had decided to wear a replica corporate smile on its face.
655
There was no curvature on

the nephew sitting in his
uncles corporate boat. The
nephew had two brains. One
of the brains lived in a physical space. The other brain
lived in the mental properties that existed inside the
first brains physical space.
656
An evaporated corporation
continued to sell its fluids. There was nothing left
inside the body. The corporation had been dead for
an hour. The last secretion
was a boy whose face had
been replaced by a shrunken olive.
657
Some people dressed as corporations tried to massacre

everyones ability to dance.
One of the people wore a
pile of sprinkles on their
head instead of hair. Their
arms were moist and flabby.
658
The hospital where all the

nephews slept was sold to a
man in blue shorts who was
afraid of hospitals. The man
in blue shorts removed all
the walls of the hospital.
He replaced the walls with
church wafers. The nephews found an abandoned
discotheque inside the corporation and could no longer sleep.
659
The difference between a

corporation and a nephew
is that one of them is an
object and the other is a
smaller object.
660
The last empty rescue boat

that came for the nephews said, The water has
all evaporated but there
are still consequences for
touching its body.
661
A corporate nephew planted some seeds in the open

mouth of a warm ice cream
that had something it wanted to tell people.
662
The clothes underneath

the corporations antidepressants were covered in
dried lava twinkles.
663
Halfway down the leaking

oil stream of one of the last
warm villages in the rusty
corporations bean cradle,
there were seven mountain
peaks all looking in various
directions as their clustered lives prepared them
for an afternoon mist of oil
puppies.
664
The corporations father

had an eye patch and did
not know how to dance with
people who werent also
wearing eye patches.
665
The father of a troubled

infant with male genitals
said, Warm my sons lima
bean. I am wearing it. Warm
it until I am his dungeon.
The lima bean will worship
this warmth. I dont know
how long I can wear the
heat. My next child will be
a worm.
666
The corporation was six

years old when it fell out
of a canoe that was floating on the horizon of a soft
grain of leaf.
667
The corporations nephews

all climbed on top of the
little girl who had planted
the soft grain of leaf in the
horizon.
668
The soft grain of leaf was

scared because the corporation hired a dump truck
to remove it from the horizon.
669
There was a meeting. During

the meeting one of the nephews had to give a presentation about the soft grain of
leaf. The nephew said, The
three most important aspects to being a successful
corporation areknowing
your horizon, making sure
the horizon is soft, and
capitalizing on these soft
pieces with your mouth in a
form of relaxed breathing
methods.
670
After the meeting the corporation told the soft grain

of leaf that he had been
laid off. The soft grain of
leaf asked the corporation
if it could buy him a case of
alcohol. The corporation
filled a glass with leftover conference room donut juice. The soft grain of
leaf drank this juice as he
walked home. His corporate
car had been recycled.
671
A police officer dressed

as a bird with no feathers
stopped and asked the soft
grain of leaf why it was not
in the horizon. A song began to play. The police officer picked up the soft grain
of leaf and carried him to
a suburban neighborhood.
The soft grain of leaf had
sex a police officer in the
suburban
neighborhoods
koi pond.
672
Some drunk teenagers began peeing in the koi pond.

The police officer and the
soft grain of leaf continued to have sex. The fish
tried to have sex with the
teenage urine.
673
The corporation called the

drunk teenagers and told
them there was a party inside one of the nephews.
The teenagers tried to find
the nephew, but they were
too drunk. Instead, they
passed out on the lawn of a
single mother. She called
the FBI. The operator for
the FBI used to be a drunk
teenager. The FBI decided not to do anything. The
drunk teenagers remained
on the lawn for a week. The
single mother cut the grass
on Thursday. Some of the
drunk, teenage hair was accidentally cut off with the
lawnmower.
674
A nephew who didnt work

at the corporation once
tried to marry the single
mother, but she said, No,
because she thought she
could only love nephews
who worked at the corporation.
675
Twenty years ago, the corporation was working on

a fishing boat in Antarctica and all the fishes were
dressed as ice cubes.
676
The corporations father

was a professional basketball player. He played for
the Cincinnati Blueberries. One of the players on
the team dated an Olympic
figure skater. The corporations fathers other son
tried to be a professional
basketball player like his
dad, but he didnt have any
toes.
677
A few days after the soft

grain of leaf was laid off a
horse ate the soft grain of
leaf. The horse turned into
a bicycle.
678
Some of employees at the

corporation bought presents for themselves to displace the sadness they felt
after the soft grain of leaf
was eaten by a horse.
679
The corporation bought

some medicine. It tasted
like shrimps. The corporation did not eat all of the
medicine. A doctor called
at two a.m. The medicine was
drunk and trying to have
sex with the koi pond.
680
The horse got a scholarship

to play basketball in North
Carolina. The coach of the
basketball team drove an
ice cream truck and fed
the horse a lot of free ice
cream. The horse was not
very good at shooting foul
shots. The coach started
putting epoxy resins in the
ice cream. The horses pheromones suffered.
681
The red bean that shared a

dorm room with the horse
said he wanted to become a
corporate nephew when he
graduated college because
although his uncle was depressed and had marital
troubles, he was a corporate nephew and made a lot
of money every year.
682
The horse majored in cultural

geography,
but
dropped out after his sophomore year to move to China and become a bicycle.
683
Every afternoon a horse

that used to be a bicycle
fed the bicycle that used to
be a horse a piece of a soft
grain of leaf.
684
The bicycle got a disease

that made him smell like
cookies.
685
People who rode the bicycle got the disease and began eating themselves.
686
A plane that smelled like

cookies landed on the bicycle and the bicycle turned
back into a horse and rode
off into the soft grain of
leaf that he had been fed
for breakfast.
687
The First Time I Ate Lunch

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on July 25th 2012. Its about a football
that wanted to be a cat.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. yawns. bronze mustaches. love rats]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., three driblets of tears.
Originally published by a candy bar.
ISBN-10: 0615677983
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Democratic pizzas.
3. I thought I found sixty million dollars today. 4. But I was a
feather. 5. Someone glued me to the metal plate in my head.
walking down a street at sunset

June 2012
I was sixty-five years old

the first time I ate lunch.
An hour earlier, a college
football coach raped me
with his mouth. There were
fifty-three grains of rice
glued to mouth of the football coach. One of these
grains of rice said, I have
a vision of one day living
inside a deer carcass that
is being eaten by a calm
whale. The lunch was on a
steamship.
691
After lunch I tried to be

a person. I stood in front
of some other people and
waited for them to laugh.
No one laughed. I removed a
pair of rabbit ears from the
holes in my body where the
rabbits used to live. People
were still not laughing. I
felt like I had fallen off a
mountain that was impossible to fall off.
692
I asked a mountain if it liked

it when people accidentally put their faces on wrong.
The mountains eyes were
not very close together. All
the people I stood in front
of were waiting to laugh. I
told them about how I had
once met a mountain whose
eyes werent very close together. No one laughed.
693
Years later, after I thought

I had become a person, I realized I was still trying to
be a person.
694
Someone offered me lunch

when I was eight years
old. I attended elementary
school inside a commercial
jet that flew from Lincoln
North Dakota to Long River Tennessee every day. On
the day I was offered lunch
for the first time, the elementary school crashed
and died and I was forced
to be an orphan elementary
school dropout.
695
A gray piece of one of my

mouths bought a pile of boloney hair when I was fifteen, but my best friend was
bald so I let him borrow the
boloney hair and he ate it
all.
696
Before 1983, all lunches

were born at disneyland.
A large-breasted steak
sandwich was responsible for scheduling production of the lunches.
The large-breasted steak
sandwich liked to rape
the frail and unhealthy
lunches. Sometimes the
large-breasted steak sandwich would rape all the
lunches and there would
be no lunches available in
the united states for a few
years.
697
An uncomplicated quantity
of my limbs never existed
because I never learned to
properly grow afternoon
resources in my stomach.
698
A lunch from six hundred

years ago began to whistle loudly as a giant mouse
smiled from the bottom of
a vase of candy flowers.
The lunch was trying to get
a job at disneyland. It did
not have experience at anything. A few hours later,
someone wedged a penny
into the mayonnaise crumbs
of the old lunch.
699
All lunches are neither inherently good nor inherently bad.
700
The virtual environment forgot to create lunch and people didnt realize all their
food was the same color.
701
I was not good at standing in front of people. For

eighteen minutes I stood in
front of people and tried
not to be bad at standing in
front of people.
702
I fed my lunch a package of

my structure and it worried about where to store
my weight.
703
A small grub worm thought

he was eating my lunch, but
he was not anywhere near
my lunch. My lunch was on
the other side of the realm
of possibility. The grub
worm was on a tree that
I built with the leftover
steam from when I created
a yogurt swimming pool for
my granola penis.
704
One of the easier things to

do with your life is to organize a lunch that you never
eat.
705
The fat man getting raped

by my lunch said, Worse
damage has been done to
my asshole by the shits. My
lunch asked the fat man if
his asshole had gotten bigger the fatter he became.
The fat man said his asshole
was the same size it had always been.
706
One day my lunch was sad.

His girlfriend had broken
up with him. The lunch ate
a piece of himself. He understood that the horrible
grief he was feeling was a
routine of life.
707
I asked my lunch if there

was homework. He told me
to get a job so I could feed
his family. The child labor
laws in my region were lax
so I was able to give birth to
thousands of children and
put them to work.
708
There were lunches in all

of us and there were lunches inside the lunches, but
there were no lunches inside the lunches that were
inside the lunches within
us.
709
A boy was sitting outside

disneyland trying to eat his
lunch, but the police shot
him because they thought
his lunch was a gun and
that he was going to shoot
himself in the face.
710
There were some blueberry

plants for sale in my hometown. I returned home to
visit them. One of the blueberries was a grey insect
with a bumblebee tattoo.
711
Lunch is the saddest love

story that ever existed.
712
A scientist tried to invent

a new kind of lunch that
would eat every gun in the
united states of america.
There was a miscalculation.
The lunch killed both the
scientist and his wife and
then went on to kill all
their immediate relatives
before someone managed to
stop the rampage by watering down the lunch with a
garden hose.
713
Lunch used to be an amusement park that lived inside

everyones mouth.
714
My lunch spoon is good at

both stirring beans and eating ice cream.
715
There was a metal plate in

my lunchs boyfriends face.
For lunch, the boyfriend
served me cheese while I
floated in a swimming pool.
I ate some carrots with the
cheese. The swimming pool
was rented for a birthday
party. There were birthday parties at the swimming
pool every day.
716
Lunches have always been

an integral part of society.
We take for granted our
ability to make transactions with our mouths and
to share nutritional forms
of consumption with people
who have similar shaped
stomachs.
717
I once met a log who said,

The fundamental reason
why societys infrastructure allowed humans to
exist is because logs have
always thought highly of
the human race and we enjoy the variety of thoughts
generated by them that ultimately have little effect
on the worlds performance
as it overcomes various implementation bottlenecks
that restrict humanitys
understanding of reality.
718
This book was written to

answer a need for a text
on the efficient implementation of lunch. A vast majority of lunch books are
on lunch protocol. Lunch
implementation is everywhere. People are rarely
efficient with their lunch
choices.
719
Earlier this month, a woman with a face asked if I

wanted to go to lunch. I
said, Okay, even though I
had a glass jar filled with
beans. As we began walking
towards a place that had
lunch I began feeding her
beans from my glass jar. She
seemed confused. When we
arrived at the place that
had lunch we bought shampoo instead.
720
Lunch is a disease.
721
I can hear a snow

breathing in the
where I thought
stored my mothers
day lunch festival.
722
cloud
faucet
I had
birth-
At a bus station a person

asked me if I was wearing
a shirt. I did not remember
putting my shirt back on after lunch.
723
On the bottom of a mountain top I heard a man playing guitar. His son was two
dogs. I asked the mans guitar if I could have one of
the dogs. A storm fell down
the mountain. The dog on
the left told me I could be
a dog if I ate the dog on the
right.
724
I climbed on top of my lunch.

The world had flooded. The
only way to survive was to
float on my lunch until the
flood melted. At night, my
lunch got tired of floating
and tried to climb on top of
me, but I wouldnt let him
because I cant float.
725
A turtle called me yesterday and asked if I remembered eating lunch in the

desert. I told the turtle
that I had never been to the
desert. The turtle nodded
and said, My dad was a desert.
726
Painted on the roof of the

tallest piece of human decay was a flag that represented the island where
all the lunches lived when
after were tired of being
clouds.
727
The security guards at

disneyworld were not allowed to eat lunch. Most
of them brought toys from
home to chew on while they
watched people enjoy themselves. One security put
a frog in his underwear.
The frog pooped. Everyone
thought the security guard
had pooped himself because
no one knew he had a frog
in his underwear.
728
My lunch cant stop making

me have erections.
729
I love you, said the cold

sandwich to the arm attached to the tooth that I
forgot was a part of my face.
730
My fourth tooth was named

fat tits. All my other teeth
beat it up until my dentist
told me I had to go live in
an underwater volcano.
731
There were no lunches in

the underwater volcano.
732
Some of the people that

lived in the underwater
volcano were tiny and got
eaten by baby krill.
733
My teeth shrunk the more

I lived in the underwater
volcano.
734
One girl had teeth so small

that she was hired to be a
movie star on the television
show about teenagers with
small teeth.
735
The small teeth in my mouth

were no longer interested
in making noises or creating fumes.
736
The town of disneyland

bought the underwater
volcano and told everyone
to move to an underwater
cave. The people who did not
want to leave the underwater volcano were shot and
made into amusement park
map booklets.
737
I pretended I was a small

tooth and that I lived inside a celebritys mouth.
738
The mouth where I lived

was hired to be on the television show about the guy
who had sex with a swimming pool.
739
On Sundays I had to wake up

early and clean the swimming pool and make sure
it looked like a swimming
pool.
740
The mouth where I lived

did not eat very much, but
it liked to talk on the cell
phone so I had trouble
sleeping.
741
The underwater volcano

went crazy and ate some
people who were having a
picnic on the fried chicken
island at disneyland.
742
A man who used to be president of disneyland tried to

calm the underwater volcano, but the underwater
volcano climbed inside the
presidents fat tits and began to poop.
743
The Increase of Stress among Adult Poops

a book about the increase of stress among adult poops
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
a book about the increase of stress among adult poops
This book was written on August 1st 2012. Its about the guy
who was yelling at another guy.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. human kindness. love cheese. raisins]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., four inches of teeth.
Originally published by an old white man.
ISBN-10: 0615679455
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. My back has been
hurting lately. 3. I want to call the cops and tell them about
my back pain. 4. There are no ambulances left in my city. 5.
I want to live in a world without plastic.
man takes off his shirt after work

June 2012
canned meat is for sale.

there are worms. a small
ray of sunshine warms my
elbow.
747
seven frail gray birds watch

the evening news. my sister
lives in a balloon. a local
college professor finds a
turtleneck sweater in his
closet.
748
the moon buys a new car.

there are meat worms in
the trunk. the car is neon
yellow.
749
a father worries his new

child will get tattoos, wear
pants that hang low, pierce
their nose, and smoke cigarettes in the jacuzzi zone.
750
this is it, yells the man

wearing mittens at the premiere for the movie about
the girl who didnt have a
mitten.
751
the stress of being a young

male body is too much for
the average boy to comprehend so he becomes a girl
toy and sells his penis to a
shy, wimpy gorilla.
752
two young, naked men take

pictures of themselves and
mail the pictures to their
grandparents.
753
the landlord is gluing cotton panties to my ceiling. i

am going to jail soon so i can
eat the beef candy from inside the warden. a motel is
peeing on my cement jeans.
754
people who are good at

touching each other are
touching each other in a
way that makes it impossible
for anyone to ever touch
anyone else ever again.
755
old males do not touch

themselves. stress tells
them not to touch themselves. one old male rode a
horse across the arctic circle because the horse was
the only thing in his life
that wasnt stressful.
756
two humans are at swimming pool party. every hour,

thirty thousand new guests
arrive. each guest drops a
fragment of their human
particles into the swimming pool. someone chews a
corner of the pool because
they thought it was a cookie.
757
outdoor activities make

people feel healthy. the
ceiling fan is loud and only
has one arm. the chief medical examiner pinched his
own testicle. it is worth
thirty billion grams of
powdered urine.
758
all the babies are snorting

plastic. a face asks its brain
stem if it can be yellow. an
adult says, there are no
toilets.
759
the human party is built on a

gasoline puddle. the babies
grow plastic on their genitals. none of the babies can
make new babies. the puddles are snorting puddles.
the party eats the leftover
yellow.
760
the husband is on fire. he

has been on fire for an
hour. he kindly asks people
if they can help him. everyone is afraid of the burning
husband.
761
go punch a beef tree in the

head, yells the only beef
tree left in existence.
762
the domesticated yellow

puddle says, i dont know
where to poop my adult
stress.
763
the average adult male

creates four thousand tons
of stress every year. every
ounce of adult stress is
equivalent to a paper bag of
donut poop. there are forty-thousand thrift stores
in the town where i grew
up. my science teacher tells
me to donate my entire collection of adult poop to a
local thrift store.
764
people are trying to be sexy

in the way they used to be
sexy. there are some interesting relationships inside
the sex of a pale green plastic chair. we voted to cancel mahogany hour.
765
an eleven year old webpage

is lonely. i yawn. my eleven
year old relationship with
myself is not a person.
766
i wake up on an inflatable
mattress. my back is stiff. i
take three deep breaths. my
back feels better. there are
raspberries in a refrigerator. i put them in my mouth.
my inflatable mattress is
made out of raspberries.
767
i like every professional

sports team equally, says
the vanilla ice cream cone,
every professional athlete
is my favorite professional
athlete.
768
this is it, yells the shirtless man before asking

the host at the expensive
restaurant if it is shirtless
buffet night.
769
i am playing football with

some people i havent seen
in a while. the grass is blue.
everyone seems to have
plastic zucchinis in their
wallets. these vegetables
are worth a lot of money.
770
one guy who i have never

met in real life keeps scoring touchdowns. we both
have a friend named sushi.
771
after one of the touchdowns someone named the

dirty birthday takes off
all his clothes and sits
down on a nearby toilet.
772
most of the poop inside the

dirty birthday is shaped like
video games. he is wearing a
football helmet. the toilet
begins to crumble. almost
all the video games are yellow. they look like blocks
of cheese. i decide that i
want to rent a movie when
i get home.
773
after the football game,

the dirty birthday drives
me home. he is still naked.
i live in st. louis. the dirty
birthday asks me to rub his
rice field as he drives. i
cannot find the rice field.
it begins to rain inside the
automobile.
774
there is a long silence. the

dirty birthday says, here
are a list of all the words
i dont know. a few seconds
pass. he points at something
and says, butterfly.
775
a hand touches the inside of

a horses mitten. there are
free cereal berries on the
train. the horses mother
smokes on tuesdays. the guacamole container is empty.
there are too many tear
drips inside my burritos.
776
it is raining ink cartridges.
777
the teacher feeds chalk to

her gerbil. the back seat
of the automobile is filled
with leg hair. i pick up an
ink cartridge and yell at it.
778
this is it, says the wet

spots near the corners of
my face.
779
a pink muscle in the forehead of a young male asks

a warm, carbonated beverage out on a date. an older
guy says, somebody pulled
a good joke on somebody.
people are beginning to reheat their love juices.
780
i am throwing dishes at my
neighbor. the dishes belong to a local shrimp boat.
each dish has a picture of a
sleeping mitten on it.
781
a man is listening to men

yell at musical instruments.
the dentist puts his thumb
in a flesh wound because he
thought it was a mouth. the
musical instruments are
made out of corn flakes.
782
this is it, thinks the small

worm pistol after he buys
a ticket to the gun buffet.
people are eating plates
and plates of bullets. the
restaurant owner tries to
rub the mayor in a bowl of
crab sauce.
783
a corn muffin thinks about

penguins. three inches of
breeze grows from my armpit. the anthill develops
heat blisters.
784
i can hear two men touching

a third man while he sleeps.
i am not sure if i should
wear the same underwear
today. my genitals smell
like a picture of miniature
tennis balls being dipped in
organic donkey skin.
785
a curly-haired boy rests

his face inside a toy oven. a
piece of garlic yawns on the
toy oven. there are beetles
growing from the either
the lip of the boy or from
the garlics curly hair.
786
this is it, yells the chair

while a group of school
children take turns sitting
on it and masturbating.
787
the mitten in the movie

about the guy whose head is
a mitten. several birthday
carbohydrates. the swollen knee cancer of a young
collegiate athlete. twelve
mittens being consumed by
the mitten head.
788
the hole inside the flesh

donut asks the hole inside
the love donut if they can
make a baby by pressing
their holes together.
789
two men grow a yard full of

organic penises. neither of
the men is sure where these
penises are from. they try
to dig one up, but the penis
extends all the way down.
790
a group of men who are

afraid of their homosexuality press their holes together and grow wet spots
on their mittens.
791
the united states army buys

a new computer. several
boys get anthill blisters on
their genitals. the carbohydrates are beginning to
yell at the internet.
792
i am an arm, yells the mitten. the president tells everyone to reach deep inside
their bodies to find the magical garden of their emotions. i climb a mountain. it
is inside a larger mountain.
i cannot climb the thing i
am inside.
793
a male presses his dirty flesh wound

on the non-dirty flesh wound of
another male as they both wait for
the fried chicken helmets they are
wearing to catch on fire and melt
their faces together into one face.
794
this is it, yells the man

who has just eaten a love
letter that he still hopes
to deliver to the mouth of
his stress creator.
795
the doctor tells his daughter to become a yogurt

farmer even though his
daughter is a little boy
and he is not old enough to
make yogurt in his toy oven.
796
the headlights of an emotion climb into the moral

reasoning of my vitamin
jungle. there is a discussion
on the darkness of white
bread. new toddlers are being soiled.
797
two people try very hard

to make another person.
neither of the two people
realizes they are already a
single person. their efforts
to make another person are
really just their desire to
make the emotions of this
two person creature infinite.
798
this is it, yells every baby

as it is being created inside
its mitten hole.
799
The Man Who Lived Inside His Sons

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on August 5th 2012. Its about the
wrinkles.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. big league college football. tree babies.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., six fingers of truth.
Originally published by an wrinkle.
ISBN-10: 0615680615
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. It is 12:37pm on
Saturday. 3. I have not eaten breakfast. 4. Last night I ate
ice cream for dinner. 5. The neighbors are yelling about sex
again.
pictures of the wrinkles of a football or barry is warm

June 2012
A man got tired of living inside himself. He gave birth

to a son. The man who gave
birth to a son was already
living inside the son before
he even gave birth to the
son.
803
The son had an air conditioner for a head. The man

enjoyed the quiet, gentle
nights when his son would
run the air conditioner.
The air conditioner ran on
batteries.
804
The sons face ate fourteen

batteries every day. He got
a job at the greasy factory to pay for the batteries.
Sometimes the son would
feed the man living inside
of him a greasy battery.
805
At night, the air conditioner could be plugged into a

wall. The man living inside
his son no longer cared
about the global effects of
creating a son with an air
conditioner for a brain. The
world was slowly melting.
806
There was no reason to

wear clothes inside the son.
The man sometimes invited
other people over to live
inside his son. No one wore
clothes.
807
Once, a man visited the man

who was living inside the
son and the visiting man got
pregnant. The man living inside his son told the pregnant man to stay until after
the child was born.
808
The pregnant man got fat

and could not leave the son.
809
The pregnant mans baby

was born inside the son of
a man who was living inside
of his son.
810
The man who was living inside his son was tired of living inside of his son. He decided to live inside the baby
that had been born by a man
inside his son.
811
The newborn baby living inside the son did not know
what a man was so he let
the man live inside of him.
812
The man who had given

birth to the newborn baby
left the son of the man who
was now living inside his
baby.
813
The man living inside the

baby that was living inside
the son of the man who was
living in a baby did not enjoy his new home because
the new babys head was not
an air conditioner.
814
There was an apocalypse.

Everyone in the world died
except the man living inside
the baby and the baby living
inside the son of the man
that was living inside the
baby.
815
Even the son of the man living inside the baby that was
living inside the son died.
816
The man living inside the

baby and the baby who had a
man living inside of it were
living inside the dead son
of the man living inside the
baby. The apocalypse ended.
There were no more greasy
batteries.
817
The meaning of the apocalypse was simple. While

the apocalypse happened,
everyone died who was not
living inside a baby that was
living inside the son of the
man living inside the baby.
818
After everyone was dead

there was no reason for the
apocalypse to continue so it
ended.
819
For a while, everything was

the same. The baby continued living inside of the dead
son of the man who was living inside of the baby and
the man living inside the
baby living inside the mans
dead son continued living
inside of the baby inside of
a dead son.
820
Nothing changed for six or

seven million years.
821
After all the dead bodies

dried up and stopped smelling, the baby inside the
dried-up dead body of a son
of the man living inside a
baby started to get hungry.
822
The baby who was living

inside of the dead son had
been eating the same greasy
battery since the day he
was conceived. The man living inside of the baby that
was living inside his dead,
dried-up son ate whatever
leftover grease the baby
did not eat.
823
There were no Taco Bells

left after the apocalypse.
824
The baby could not fully

develop because Taco Bell
was the reason babies developed.
825
The satellites that Taco

Bell used to maintain in
their restaurants helped
babies develop, but all
these satellites had been
shut off by the apocalypse.
826
The battery grease did not

have any nutrients.
827
The baby living inside of

the dead son of the man living inside of the baby didnt
have any arms because it
had only ever eaten battery
grease and the nutrients in
the grease did not help babies grow arms.
828
The baby grew short beams

of light instead of arms.
829
The leftover battery grease

inside the man who was living inside a baby that had
been born inside his now
dead son gave birth to a
restaurant that sold tacos.
830
For a while the man inside

the baby inside the dead son
ate all the tacos made by
the restaurant inside him,
but the restaurant made
too many tacos so the man
began to feed tacos to the
baby with no arms living inside his dead son.
831
The workers inside the

restaurant inside the man
inside a baby inside the
mans dead son did not mind
working in a taco restaurant that was inside a man
inside a baby inside a dead
person.
832
The workers had good lives

and were paid a living wage.
After work they crawled
inside one of their assistant managers because the
suburbs existed inside the
assistant managers of the
taco restaurants.
833
Each suburb inside one of

the assistant managers of
the taco restaurant had a
mall.
834
There were taco restaurants inside these malls,

but tacos were not sold at
any of the taco restaurants
inside the malls of the suburbs that were inside the
assistant managers of the
taco restaurant inside the
man who was inside a baby
that lived inside the mans
dead son.
835
There were only hand dogs

for sale at the taco restaurants inside the malls of
the suburbs inside the assistant managers.
836
One of the workers of the

taco restaurant that sold
hand dogs was named hand
jones. He liked to listen to
music when he was not at
work. His favorite song was
the one about ladies inside
ladies inside babies.
837
The guy who made the song

about ladies inside ladies
inside babies had originally wanted to sing about having sex with ladies inside
ladies inside babies, but he
went to a beach volleyball
game and all the photographers were trying to crawl
inside a female volleyball
players butt to take pictures so the guy who wrote
a song about ladies inside
ladies inside babies decided not to make his song
about having sex with ladies inside ladies inside babies.
838
The ladies inside ladies inside babies song was about

the human desire for a lady
inside a penis to give birth
to a lady inside a baby inside the dead son of a man
that was living inside a baby
inside a lady inside a lady
inside a penis.
839
There were various feelings inside everyone who

was inside everyone else.
840
No one was quite sure how

to save the world.
841
Everyone lost track of exactly where the world was

located.
842
The taco restaurants increased their profits by

selling hand dogs made out
of old hand dogs.
843
New studies were released

that said, Overexposure to
old hand dogs raised concerns about whether old
hand dogs should live in
the human body.
844
The taco restaurants ignored these studies and began using old hand dogs to
make microwave popcorn,
margarine, vending machines, dad candy, baked potatoes, cat food, and other
products.
845
A hand dog is something

that people hold in their
hands. It is a metaphor.
846
Old hand dogs are hand

dogs that dont know how
to be hand dogs anymore.
847
Hand Jones found a hand

dog in his favorite aisle of
the grocery store. It told
him to start smoking heroin.
He didnt listen to the hand
dog because it was not really a hand dog.
848
At Hand Jones seventh

birthday party his family
gave all his friends hand
dogs. His friends got sick.
They all have Alzheimers
disease now.
849
People like to eat hand

dogs because inside every
hand dog there is the promise that we can all be hand
dogs.
850
Hand Jones father used to

be a hand dog before Hand
Jones ate him.
851
Once, Hand Jones crawled

inside a hand dog and a baby
almost ate the hand dog
while Hand Jones was inside
the hand dog.
852
Inside every hand dog is a

junkyard. Seagulls like to
eat hand dogs. There are
candy dads inside seagulls
inside hand dogs.
853
Sometimes the junkyard is

full of good worms.
854
The worms inside the junkyard inside a hand dog will

make your family turn into
a single worm that digs a
hole in the backyard of a
baby inside the dead son of
the man living inside the
baby.
855
The Girl Who Was Lucky to Have Feet

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on August 7th 2012. Its about how to
meet a girl that will love you.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. red lobster. goat island. jail toys]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., eleven inches of milk warmth.
Originally published by the one-armed egg.
ISBN-10: 0615682235
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I woke up at four
a.m. 3. I looked at my phone for a half an hour. 4. People in
my phone were talking to each other. 5. Some sporting things
had happened.
some kids across the street were playing basketball

June 2012
on monday, a small, educated cucumber asked if i

wanted to go to puerto rico
for vacation.
859
the small, educated cucumber told me to fly a helicopter to her house and
land on the roof.
860
only scientists can build

helicopters.
861
people with mouths who

used to sometimes be interested in science lived
across the street from my
house.
862
someone wrote me a letter

and said, helicopters will
not fit inside your mouth.
863
all the scientists in my

neighborhood were retired
and would not help me
build a helicopter.
864
when i was four i used to

think new york city was the
name of a dance club inside
my mouth.
865
i had a dream that on my

first night in puerto rico i
had a dream.
866
the local basketball players told me i was a dog.
867
the beach tourists tried to

ride me like a motorcycle.
868
i watched all the crabs

burn their children.
869
puerto rico bought a winter coat and sewed on a new

button.
870
i called the small, educated cucumber and told her i

could not build a helicopter.
871
she said, i accidentally

married to a small, educated, private business.
872
the economy was dressed up

like elephants.
873
there were a lot of fake

birds sitting on the elephants.
874
i bought a fake bird that i

thought was a frozen soup
cone.
875
the bird quietly waited for

his body to thaw.
876
there is a tongue in the human body.
877
at night i remove my tongue

and lay it on a piece of paper so i can trace it.
878
in the morning my tongue is

dried out and doesnt taste
good.
879
i heard all the yogurt shops

in puerto rico make their
yogurts from egg yolks and
goat hair.
880
instead of going to puerto

rico, i took the small, educated cucumber to red lobster.
881
the waiter had only one ear.
882
i bought a salsa pouch from

a man selling salsa pouches
outside the restaurant.
883
after we ordered, there

was an earthquake and our
food was lost so we had to
crawl into a hole beneath
our table and eat the salsa
from the salsa pouch.
884
the salsa tasted like dirt

and it wasnt until we had
eaten all the salsa that we
realized my salsa pouch was
actually a dirt pouch.
885
the mayor who owned the

red lobster restaurant had
a seizure and our dinner
was not refunded.
886
a few weeks after the

earthquake there was a
protest against the people
who caused the earthquake.
887
no one was really sure who

caused the earthquake so
all the protests were incoherent and jumbled.
888
people began to burn large,

formless objects they said
represented the earthquake people.
889
i wrote a letter to the senator asking him if he was an

earthquake.
890
the helicopter i had once

tried to build began cooking me dinner every night.
891
i like to eat rocks, said

the helicopter.
892
the senator got worried because a lot of people were

asking him if he was an
earthquake.
893
the retired scientists in my

neighborhood began living
underground because they
said, the earthquake has
escaped and it is going to
start eating people that arent living underground.
894
i wasnt sure how to organize my life so i ordered a

magazine subscription.
895
on the day my first magazine

was supposed to arrive, the
helicopter i tried to build
made a soup out of pebbles
and concrete flakes.
896
my teeth were slowly becoming soft nubs that wanted to recede back into my
body.
897
i called my doctor, but he

said he was busy dealing
with a girl who thought
she was an earthquake.
898
there was a scooter for

sale near the old elementary school.
899
i couldnt find the owner so

i dug a hole underneath the
scooter and left the money
in the hole.
900
the police started to follow me after i bought my

new scooter, but i didnt
know how to stop so i drove
the scooter until there was
no more gas.
901
one of the policemen asked

if i was aware i had planted
an earthquake.
902
i had to go to jail because

my lawyer didnt believe i
hadnt planted an earthquake.
903
before the court case started, my lawyer said, i know

youre guilty because everyone plants earthquakes
so its probably best if you
just go to jail.
904
in jail, i wrote letters to

the small, educated cucumber and apologized for not
taking her to puerto rico
and for planting earthquakes even though i knew
i had never planted any
earthquakes.
905
after a year in jail, i felt my

brain change into an insane
human being so i called my
doctor, but he said he was
too busy dealing with a
girl who thought she didnt
have feet and he told me i
was lucky to be a girl who
didnt think i didnt have
feet.
906
on christmas, the warden

gave everyone in jail a toy.
my toy was an eleven-inchlong goat hair.
907
sometimes i would tie the

goat hair around oen ear
and then try to tie it around
my other ear, but the goat
hair wasnt long enough.
908
on valentines day, someone

told me there was a giant,
chocolate heart floating
above the jail.
909
i went outside to look at

the giant, floating, chocolate heart, but there was no
giant, floating, chocolate
heart.
910
when i went back to my jail

cell, my eleven-inch-ling
goat hair was gone.
911
A Weather Balloon On Saturn

a book about a weather balloon on Saturn
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
a book about a weather balloon on Saturn
This book was written on August 9th 2012. Its about some
yogurt yelling at the police.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. floral pillowcases. old juice. yellow bucket]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., three pills of smooth juice.
Originally published by an alarm clock named coo coo loo.
ISBN-10: 0615682812
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I went to sleep at
nine p.m. last night. 3. There are two tomatoes growing on
my kitchen floor. 4. The bank paid me this morning. 5. I
want vending machines to sell soup.
man in shirt holds things

June 2012
i opened a juice restaurant

called the weather balloons of saturn.
915
the juice restaurant did

not sell juice.
916
on my dogs fifth birthday,

i bought him a thousand
goldfishes and he ate them.
917
my juice restaurant mostly

sold yogurt and smoothies.
918
i did not know how to make

yogurt so i found a yogurt
lady to make the yogurt.
919
the yogurt lady didnt know

how to make yogurt either,
but she learned so she
could be my restaurants
yogurt lady.
920
the birds on the telephone

wires in front of my juice
restaurant yelled a lot
during the lunch hour and
i always imagined they were
yelling, juicy at anyone
who went into my juice
restaurant.
921
people didnt like my juice

restaurant at first because
i only sold one kind of
smoothie.
922
my juice restaurant did not

believe in giving the customers any options.
923
i bought all my smoothie ingredients from a farm that

was three miles from my
juice restaurant.
924
sometimes the farm only had

peaches so i would make my
smoothies out of peaches.
925
other times the farm only

had corn so all the smoothies at my juice restaurant
were made out of corn.
926
a group of landscapers who

were working for the city
dug up the plant growing in
front of my restaurant and
in its place constructed a
marble statue of the citys
mayor.
927
a lot of cancer patients visited my juice restaurant

and asked if i would sell
them drugs.
928
in the winter the farm only

had leftover potatoes.
929
all the employees at my

juice
restaurant
were
named grasshopper.
930
my yogurt lady changed

her name to grasshopper
and said she would marry
me if i changed my name to
grasshopper.
931
some of my customers
changed their name to
grasshopper.
932
once, a guy came into my

juice restaurant and began
crying because there was no
juice and he was allergic to
smoothies.
933
i lived in a small apartment

with no furniture and every august there were bugs.
934
a man wearing a pillowcase

with floral designs began
living in my kitchen.
935
the juice restaurant did not

have any air conditioning
and sometimes customers
would fall over because
it was too hot in my juice
restaurant.
936
one of my uncles told me i

could improve my business
if i made a financial diagram.
937
there were no bathrooms,

but there was a bucket in
the corner of the restaurant that said, old juice.
938
the pillowcase on the mans

head was similar to the pillowcases my mom used to
use on her pillows.
939
my juice restaurant became

more popular after nasa
landed a mechanical orb on
the surface of saturn.
940
in the summer, business was

fair on thursdays because
every thursday a party of
tourists visited the city and
they were interested in the
local juices of the city.
941
i had to stop eating meat

after the pillowcase man
in my kitchen began eating
all the meat i brought home
from the grocery store.
942
the business next to my juice

restaurant specialized in
urban rabbit hunts, but it
was more of a drug front
for people who had cancer
and could not afford nationally licensed prescription cancer medicines.
943
most of my regular customers did not mind drinking

smoothies made from leftover potatoes.
944
on new years eve of the

year that was supposed to
be the best tasting pie of my
generation, the farm where
i got my smoothie ingredients from disappeared.
945
i hung signs on telephone

poles asking people if they
had seen my farm.
946
the man with the pillowcase

on his head who stood in
my kitchen demanded more
and more pudding products
from me.
947
the landscaping crew who

worked for the city constructed a statue of the
mayors face in front of every restaurant and business
in the city.
948
i found a new farm where

i could buy smoothie ingredients, but none of the
fruit was ripe and i was only
allowed to buy the ingredients at four a.m.
949
another person with a pillowcase on their head began living in my kitchen.
950
one of my customers got a

tattoo on his arm of a grasshopper.
951
a few weeks before thanksgiving, i got sick and sold

all my blenders.
952
it was a lot tougher to make

smoothies after i sold all
my blenders.
953
one of my employees quit

because he was circumcised
and decided that he wanted
to find out what happened
to his lost foreskin.
954
each piece of fruit in my

smoothies had to be manually blended with a wooden
spoon.
955
less and less people drank

my smoothies, but people
really liked the yogurt.
956
my yogurt lady began winning best yogurt every year

and people came from all
over the state to visit my
juice restaurant for the yogurt.
957
in a newspaper article
about my restaurant there
was very little talk about
my smoothies and the reporter only seemed concerned with the fact that
my juice restaurant didnt
sell juice?
958
the two people with pillowcases on their heads in my

kitchen bought a goldfish
and named it kitten.
959
the purpose of my juice

restaurant was to present
a basic illogical notion of
what juice restaurants are
to the general public.
960
at night, the two pillowcases would build a small fire

in the center of my kitchen
and sing rowboat songs to
their kitten.
961
every fall the mayor did an

investigation of my juice
restaurant and depending
on how much yogurt i fed
the city inspector i either
got a grade of p or a grade
of t.
962
one night i came home and

found the two people in my
kitchen wearing only their
pillowcases.
963
in the summer, a hairless

peacock would show up
in the parking lot of my
juice restaurant and walk
around until i called the
hairless peacock humane
removal society.
964
one afternoon, a man ran

into my juice restaurant,
yelled, they found bubbles on saturn, and then
passed out.
965
a vitamin salesman tried to

convince me to put his vitamins in my smoothies, but his
vitamins were very hot and
it rained every time i tried
to swallow one.
966
a third person wearing a

pillowcase on their head
started living in my kitchen, but the pillowcase was
blue and he began to follow me to my juice restaurant every day.
967
Someone Who Did Something

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on August 10th 2012. Its about something that is something.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. toilets. hunks of bubbles. oil cones]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., ten spits of rage.
Originally published by a confirmed group of sources.
ISBN-10: 0615682979
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Last night the people
in Los Angeles invited some people in Orlando to come live
with them. 3.If I lived in Orlando I would move to Chicago.
4. The big muscle will enjoy Los Angeles. 5. Someone will
make a movie about something.
woman with microphone and camera interviews woman
with grocery bag

June 2012
the greatest handsome

girl to ever live was born
inside a garbage pail of
yard bricks. each molecule
of her body consisted of an
underprivileged
athlete
who wanted to eat the
football fields that lived
inside the televisions at the
taco restaurant where all
the guacamole was farmed.
971
this handsome girl had a

hand dog.
972
the hand dog was named

baby fingers because each
of his fingers had become
pregnant in high school
and after two hours of
being pregnant each finger
gave birth to a baby with an
air conditioner for a face
which baby fingers then ate
while he sewed up each of
his fingers that were now
empty wombs waiting to be
strung back together into
the shape of fingers.
973
in his sophomore year of

high school, baby fingers
literally ate the football
yard every friday night
before the big game. the
two teams, the coaches, the
bus drivers, and all the
fans had to crawl inside of
baby fingers so they could
play the game.
974
baby
fingers
enjoyed
climbing inside of himself
after he put on his football
uniform.
975
people liked to pretend

that baby fingers was a
religious figure and after
touchdowns they would
rub their bibles on him.
976
one friday night, the other

team brought machine guns
to the game and after they
crawled inside baby fingers
they began to shoot the
inside of baby fingers with
machine guns.
977
baby fingers didnt mind

getting his insides shot
with machine guns. he just
took the football and ran
around for an hour as he
bled all over the football
yard that was inside of the
body that had been shot up
with machine guns by the
opposing team.
978
after baby fingers finished

bleeding he gathered all
the paper cups that people
left in the stadium and
climbed out of his body.
979
a
newspaper
reporter
tried to write a book about
baby fingers. the book was
supposed to be co-written
by the guy who was in
the movie about native
americans and egypt.
980
on the night the first

draft of the book about
baby fingers was due the
newspaper reporter got
tired and made bubbles
with his mouth.
981
the guy who was in the movie

about native americans and
egypt tried to write the
book while the newspaper
reporter did bubbles.
982
all the characters in the

book about baby fingers
had trouble remembering
how to breathe and were
high maintenance.
983
the guy who was in the movie

about native americans and
egypt had to leave before
the book was finished. he
forgot to attach all the
characters to their life
support machines. most
of continued to live even
though
they
couldnt
breathe.
984
the newspaper reporter

continued to make mouth
bubbles and didnt care
that his book had stopped
breathing.
985
sometimes people would

ask baby fingers why he
didnt eat basketballs. baby
fingers would look at his
hands and cry. he didnt
know why he didnt eat
basketballs.
986
on the day before the state

championship, baby fingers
walked to the river behind
his moms house and found a
small leaf that wanted to
be a famous football player.
987
baby fingers taught the

leaf how to be baby fingers
and the leaf taught baby
fingers how to be a leaf.
988
baby fingers climbed onto

the river and floated away.
there was a gentle breeze.
the only other objects in
the river were a couple of
log tails.
989
the leaf walked to the

football field, put on baby
fingers helmet, scored
eight
touchdowns,
and
impregnated everyone on
his football team.
990
after the championships,

all the football players
gave birth to trees and
people realized that baby
fingers wasnt baby fingers
anymore. he was a leaf.
991
the principal told the

leaf that was pretending
to be baby fingers that
leafs werent allowed to
graduate from high school
so the leaf failed out of
high school.
992
the leaf tried to go back

to the river and be a leaf,
but he couldnt and he
drowned. there was a
funeral. everyone showed
up because not many people
knew that baby fingers
had turned into a leaf and
everyone thought that baby
fingers had drowned.
993
meanwhile, baby fingers

continued floating down
the river. no one paid
attention to him because he
was a leaf. he ate catfishies
every night.
994
some of the catfishies used

to play high school football
against the papa that made
baby fingers. the catfishies
were happy that the son of
the papa they used to play
football against was eating
them.
995
baby fingers papa was named

lato heartworm.
996
lato heartworm was a

secretary for a lawyer
named gary wig in the late
1960s. gary wig hired lato
heartworm
because
he
thought he was a woman.
997
it wasnt until after gary

wig was consistently having
sex with lato heartworm
after work that gary wig
realized his secretary was
a man.
998
gary wig was going to fire

lato heartworm, but lato
heartworm ate all the
important case documents
and then ran out into the
swamp.
999
gary wig bought a flashlight

and threw it into the swamp
because he was too afraid
to go into the swamp after
lato heartworm.
1000
the judge heard about how

gary wig was having sex with
lato heartworm because
gary wig told the judge that
he had been having sex with
lato heartworm before he
knew his secretary was a
man.
1001
the judge decided to go

into the swamp to look for
lato heartworm.
1002
the judges legs were five

feet long so it was easy for
him to walk through the
swamp.
1003
lato heartworm ate swamp

berries and read the
while
he
waited
for
someone to come and get
him. the swamp berries
tasted like elves. the
werent that important and
lato heartworm fell asleep
because he got bored of
reading them.
1004
when lato heartworm woke

up the judge was having sex
with him. there was a smile
on the judges face that said,
i am specifically having sex
with you because gary wig
told me his secretary was
a man. after the judge had
sex with lato heartworm,
he carried him back to his
court.
1005
gary wig heard that the

judge had sex his secretary
and he began to cry. he told
a local reporter that it
felt like he had been raped
because he had always
felt a special emotional
connection to his secretary
which is why he had sex
with his secretary in the
first place.
1006
lato
heartworm
was
sleeping in the judges arms
when the judge left the
swamp and returned to the
court. gary wig was still
crying. the judge took out
a sword and handed it to
gary wig.
1007
lato heartworm woke up to

find gary wig and the judge
in a sword fight. gary wig
was using the judges sword
and the judge was using his
own penis as sword.
1008
lato heartworm didnt want

to see the conclusion of the
fight so he ran back to the
swamp to eat swamp berries.
1009
the judge won the sword

fight by stabbing gary wig
through the left eye with
his penis.
1010
gary wig was embarrassed

that he lost the sword
fight so he stabbed himself
in the other eye with the
sword that the judge had
given him.
1011
lato heartworm could not

find any swamp berries so
he caught a bubble fox and
cooked it.
1012
as lato heartworm ate the

bubble fox he wondered if
the judge would come and
sex him again. after all the
bubble fox was eaten, lato
heartworm fell asleep
using the fur of the bubble
fox as a blanket.
1013
the judge didnt go into

the swamp after lato
heartworm
because
he
could not remove his penis
from gary wigs eyeball
without killing him and the
judge knew that if he killed
gary wig then as the only
judge in the town he would
have to sentence himself to
a public hanging.
1014
gary wig did not mind

having the judges penis in
his eyeball even though
he was blind. the judge was
kind to him.
1015
every night the judge fed

hand dogs to gary wig.
sometimes
there
were
water noodles from the
swamp mixed in.
1016
the hand dogs the judge

fed gary wig were organic.
each one was filled with
the brain tissues of a
scientifically
generated
lab hamster. the hand dogs
made gary wig smarter and
sometimes when the judge
had a dilemma he would
ask gary wig and gary wig
would solve the dilemma.
1017
the hand dogs eventually

helped gary wig grow a
third eyeball on the top of
his head so he could look at
the judge.
1018
the judge and gary wig were

legally married on the day
after the homosexual war
ended when the president
told everyone that they
had to be married to a
homosexual.
1019
lato
heartworm
didnt
wake up for a long time.
he slept in the swamp until
an alligator found him
and stole his penis. the
alligator used the penis to
impregnate a tree and a few
days later baby fingers was
born.
1020
lato heartworm was not

disappointed
that
an
alligator had stolen his
penis. he decided to go back
to high school and get a
proper education. he met a
lot of catfishies and liked
to play football against
them.
1021
life got hectic after the

tree that gave birth to
baby fingers found lato
heartworm and demanded
lato heartworm give her
eight million dollars.
1022
lato heartworm tried to

turn into eight million
dollars, but instead he
turned into eight million
lato heartworms.
1023
The Mouse Eggs I Bought At RadioShack

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
history of philosophy.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. big explosions. high school romance.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., the size of small big penis.
Originally published by the asst. manager at Tubby Burger.
ISBN-10: 0615683932
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Last night I made a
bowl of millet. 3. I watched a movie on my computer about
some undercover police officers. 4. There were some big explosions. 5. I want to live in a world where I am a bicycle.
policeman stands outside of a concert

June 2012
the mouse eggs i bought

at radioshack were quiet,
gentle and did not bother
anyone.
1027
i put a mouse egg in my

mouth and it did not move.
1028
a mouse egg is an electronic

device. from a distance of
twelve feet it looks like a
cube, but in your hand the
mouse egg will feel like a
triangle.
1029
the mouse eggs i bought

at radioshack had six sons.
all of the sons looked like
mouse eggs except the one
named ben. he looked like a
blonde peach seed.
1030
when ben twelve he was

invited to a fundraiser for a
local politician. there were
shrimps and watermelons.
1031
one of the donation boxes

was stuffed with clam dip.
the president of clam dip
had donated a portion of
his clam dip to the local
politician.
1032
ben was nervous. he had

never been to a political
fundraiser. he ate some
clam dip out of one of the
donation boxes.
1033
the campaign manager saw

ben eat some of the clam
dip. ben was put in solitary
confinement. the floor of
the solitary confined room
was made out of rat logs.
1034
a rat log does not believe

in the scientific nature of
its own existence. if one
did a historical review of
rat logs they would find
that rat logs dont exist
scientifically.
1035
one of the rat logs asked

ben why he was in solitary
confinement.
ben
said,
because my father is a
mouse egg.
1036
the rat log said, the other

day i was at radioshack
and i saw your dad. he was
trying to paste a coupon on
a toaster.
1037
a coupon used to be known

as a personal experience
that one gathered and
stored in one of their skin
pouches as proof of their
existence if they ever met
god and god was skeptical
of their existence.
1038
ben was kept in solitary

confinement for twentyseven minutes. a doctor
had to shine a light in bens
eye after he left solitary
confinement to make sure
bens eye was still in the
correct part of his face.
1039
one of the assistant campaign

managers escorted ben
to the parking lot. on the
way, the assistant campaign
manager asked ben what the
clam dip tasted like. ben
said, it tasted like my best
friends quiet olive before
my father accidentally
stepped on it.
1040
a week after ben was put

in solitary confinement
for twenty-seven minutes
he began to sleepwalk.
one night, while asleep, he
walked to new jersey and
financed a new housing
development.
1041
on a family vacation once,

ben had tried to make a
documentary
about
his
parents. every night he
would film them while they
slept. as he recorded them,
he would reflect on their
lives and narrate the film
in his head.
1042
a few weeks after the

sleepwalking housing deal,
ben had a dream that there
were other people in the
world. after he woke up,
it took him a long time to
shake this feeling.
1043
on the day, bens parents

died he spent the morning
trimming a single blade of
grass in his front yard.
1044
in the afternoon, a crowd

of relatives had gathered
at radioshack. ben showed
up wearing a horizontal
striped shirt even though
his parents had hated
horizontal striped shirts.
1045
the horizontal striped shirt

was gold and blue. it had
been made in the northern
section of town from an old
wooden barrel.
1046
ben enjoyed the smokiness

and rough feeling of the
fabric, almost like a collar
made from sawdust.
1047
the wooden barrel had

originally been used to
transport rubbing alcohol,
but after it began to leak
a fisherman had used it to
store his nets.
1048
when the barrel fell apart

and no longer was of use
to the fisherman, a shirt
manufacturer
gathered
all the splinters and sewed
them back together into a
striped shirt.
1049
most of bens relatives at

radioshack wore crisp plaid
shirts. one boy had on a soft
flannel pattern and was
drinking a fountain soda.
the outside of the fountain
soda had an advertisement
for a movie about aliens.
1050
the dead mouse eggs that

were bens parents were
laid inside a styrofoam
box and wrapped in plastic
bubbles. some of bens
siblings
were
pasting
coupons on the outside of
their parents coffin.
1051
a man inside a radio sang a

song about how death was
the essence of pleasure
that no longer enjoyed the
conscious pieces of my face.
1052
the last thing bens father

had said to him before he
died was, sure is all right?
ben had misheard him. he
poured his father a bowl
of cereal and fed it to him
before his father repeated
himself. ben ate the rest of
the cereal.
1053
a priest was hired to say

something. bens parents
had never been religious.
the priest didnt have much
to say.
1054
most of the relatives

were worried about an
approaching typhoon so the
funeral ceremony ended
early.
1055
one of bens uncles handed

him the skeleton of a
trout. the uncle said it was
leftover from a fishing trip
bens father had gone on
when he was thirteen.
1056
the typhoon destroyed most

of the town. there were
neighborhoods that were
without power for three
months.
1057
ben stopped trimming his

fingernails. he soaked them
in rubbing alcohol every
night.
1058
one of bens old college

roommates visited ben in
this fingernail period and
told ben he wanted to make
a documentary about the
fingernails.
1059
that night, ben and his

old college roommate got
drunk and somehow his old
college roommate woke up
in ditch somewhere in west
virginia.
1060
the old college roommate

made a documentary film
about the ditch in west
virginia and got famous.
1061
bens fingernails continued

to grow. he spent his days
watching the old footage
of his parents sleeping.
instead of narrating the
film in his head as he
watched, he focused on
his fathers breathing and
made sure his own breaths
followed a similar rhythm.
1062
a man from the state

arrived one morning. he
trimmed bens fingernails.
ben didnt stop him. the man
from the state gathered all
the clippings and put them
in a pouch.
1063
a week later the man from

the state opened the pouch.
the clippings had turned
into mouse eggs.
1064
mouse eggs were neither

subjective nor objective
in thought. one of the
mouse eggs was insane and
believed he was a person.
1065
the insane mouse egg was so

intent on being a human that
he gave birth to a human
child, but the human child
was insane and believed it
was a mouse egg.
1066
the human child who

thought he was a mouse
egg was named pumpkin.
he lived in a castle, but
thought the castle was
an nba basketball player
named donny kibbles who
had been drafted by the
orangetown fruit pookies.
1067
donny kibbles doubted his

ability to play basketball.
in college he had been more
interested in his vegetable
garden. he liked to grow
eggplants.
1068
the
coach
of
the
orangetown fruit pookies
knew that donny kibbles
was the imagination of a
human child who thought
he was a mouse egg named
pumpkin so he didnt play
donny kibbles very much.
1069
donny kibbles sat at the end

of the bench and talked to
the tomato plant he kept in
his gym bag.
1070
some of the other guys on

the bench began growing
vegetables in their gym
bags.
1071
one guy named fluffy

clowder grew a blue
squash
inside
an
old
basketball sneaker.
1072
after
the
orangetown
fruit pookies won the
championship a fan stole
the blue squash from fluffy
clowders old basketball
sneaker.
1073
fluffy
clowder
was
depressed after his blue
squash was stolen so he
ate donny kibbles tomato
plant.
1074
donny kibbles was upset

that someone had eaten his
tomato plant, but he felt
better after someone told
him that fluffy clowder
had eaten the tomato plant
because he was depressed.
1075
the
year
after
the
won the championship they
didnt win a game.
1076
the human child who

thought he was a mouse
egg lost interest in the
and donny kibbles stopped
being a castle that people
lived in.
1077
donny kibbles got better

at gardening. he only ate
foods that he grew. his
basketball skills decided
to improve because they
were impressed with how
donny kibbles body was
more in touch with the
living world.
1078
the
year
after
the
didnt win a game they
went
undefeated
and
fluffy
clowder
wrote
a
book
called,
how
donnys tomatoes cured my
depression and i learned
how to win my life again.
two days after the book was
published fluffy clowder
climbed into a spaceship
on the side of his fountain
soda and no one ever saw
him again.
1079
The Girl Who Said, Bless You, After She Yawned
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS

guy who wanted to be a girl who was a teddy bear in brazil.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. juicy beaches. man universe. sparkles]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., three steams of breath.
Originally published by a young rapper named azealia.
ISBN-10: 0615684181
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I had a dream last
night I was in high school again. 3. The guidance councelor
lived on a bed made from male nipples. 4. I forgot where my
all classes were. 5. The basketball coach told me not to poop.
I was on an empty conveyor belt

June 2012
dear sparkles, i dont

believe in sparkles. please
dont be ashamed. use four
fingers, but not the sparkle
finger.
1083
i think i should make videos

about a heart-shaped juicy
beach that is in love with
a meditation animal living
inside the juicy beach.
1084
today i found out i was

smart because there were
cats in my tree house. i
woke up from a nap to the
sound of thousands of
hotels chanting about the
sun beams coming out of my
cats mouth.
1085
my favorite summer shoes

are made of cats.
1086
someone please pull the

plug on humans so the
internet can talk to itself
in peace.
1087
the only reason i listen to

suvs is because my moms
name is bubba and mercury is
the name of my boyfriends
tongue.
1088
a single piece of confetti

fell from the eyebrow
of the boy who spent the
whole night standing in
the corner, occasionally
kissing the wall when no
one was looking.
1089
i rented a cat. i dressed it

up like a teddy bear. there
was a baby shower. i gave
the cat to a baby raindrop.
1090
i need a man like me to wait

at home and kiss me when i
dont feel like me after a
long day of being me.
1091
the rice is on fire. i put it in

a flower pot and drove to
mick dix.
1092
i
bought
a
thousand
eyelashes
at
the
convenience store because
yesterday i had a dream
that i didnt have eyelashes.
1093
i bought a babysitter for

the tooth that fell out of
my face and then hid in a
bowl of rice that i ate after
i got home from the juicy
mick dix hamburger.
1094
the world was tired of the

world and turned the beach
into juice.
1095
i love juicy beaches, said

the magazine with a picture
of a juicy beach on the
cover.
1096
the mouth on the juicy beach

told the mouth on the nonjuicy beach to be quiet.
1097
every female on the juicy

beach began to rap at the
highest volume possible.
1098
the juicy beach literally

turned into a young man
dressed in barbequed meat.
1099
a juicy beach that enjoyed

being a juicy beach drank
some plane champagne.
1100
a young mermaid called

the juicy beach and asked
if she wanted to drink some
merlemomaids.
1101
the juicy beach drew

a picture of a quiet
mechanical chinese man
and said, this is me.
1102
man universe called me and

asked if he could be a juicy
beach.
1103
all the ceiling fans in the

world fell off the ceiling
at the same time.
1104
the young, insignificant

juicy beach asked the
older, famous juicy beach
a question, but an older,
famous juicy bear was busy
talking to her bear juice
and ignored the young,
insignificant juicy beach.
1105
the young juicy beach got

annoyed and turned into a
man who was allowed to do
whatever he wanted.
1106
some
people
on
the
internet grew old asses on
their faces and then told
everyone they liked beef.
1107
the juicy beach made a noise

hole in her body and sold
recordings of the noise
hole to children.
1108
in 1997, juicy beaches were

living on the street and
selling drugs to crippled
beefs.
1109
the juicy beach ate the juice

that came out of her noise
hole and then made more
noise with the juice she had
eaten from the noise.
1110
in japan, i am considered a
tiny pile of wet yawns that
have been hung out on a
string to turn into sparkles.
1111
all the dark juice is

pretending to be expensive
and made out of worms.
1112
the juicy beach visited the

juicy beach for a week to
remind herself that she was
a juicy beach.
1113
once, the noise hole in the

juicy beach said, you will
not be happy until you grow
chocolate chip cookies on
your shoulders.
1114
all the people in the

ghetto are trying to grow
juicy beaches from their
foreheads, but they can
only grow a witch bird that
thinks its a crow.
1115
someone who was hungry

bought a small package of
juicy beach juice, but the
manager of the juicy beach
juice store didnt want
hungry people drinking
his juice so he called the
cops and the cops shot the
hungry man before he could
drink the juicy beach juice.
1116
an illiterate jesus tried

to make juicy beach juice
in his basement. heart
shaped
tattoos
melted
into his cheeks below his
eyebrows. the man universe
was dancing on a bus full
of neon flavored barbeque
juice.
1117
the juicy beach was making

juicy but the hair needed to
be calm so the juicy beach
calmed her juicy.
1118
an empty white box of what

was supposed to be filled
with heart-shaped birds
was sitting inside a rowboat
that had been abandoned on
the juicy beach.
1119
sometimes the juicy beach

fills her bathtub with
meatballs and lays down in
it while pretending to be
tomato sauce.
1120
i want to learn how to be a

shoe, yelled the face that
was tied around the wing of
a heart-shaped crow.
1121
the juicy beach jiggled only

one of her juices while
the other juice didnt do
anything and just watched
the juicy beachs juice
jiggle.
1122
my forty-four-year-old dad
went back to high school
because he couldnt read
very well and mom got
remarried.
1123
i am a sixteen-year-old
daughter and my boyfriend
sometimes wears a crusty
wig.
1124
grew a ponytail and tried to
date the yellow mascot. the
principal told my dad not
to drink budweisers in u.s.
history class. after school
someone drew a penis on my
dads minivan.
1125
at a public assembly, my
forty-four-year-old
dad
read a poem about his juicy
breath wanting to be a juicy
beach.
1126
my dads juicy breath tried

to kiss the guy married to
the algebra teacher because
my dads juicy breath was
drunk and he thought the
algebra teachers husband
was a juicy beach.
1127
the principal bought my dad

some new jeans because the
jeans my dad was wearing
were too loose and faded.
1128
my dads new jeans drew a

penis on one of the lunch
ladys meatballs. she got
sad and hung herself with a
spaghetti noodle.
1129
on the day before prom my

forty-four-year-old day cut
off his pony tail and dumped
some juicy beach juice on it.
he went to my moms new
house and showed her the
damp pony tail. she petted
the damp pony tail, but said
she couldnt go to prom.
1130
my boyfriend dumped me
three hours before prom.
asked if i wanted him to take
me to prom. he had sewed
the damp pony tail back on
his head.
1131
we went to mick dix instead

and ate a bag full of dirty
meat. neither of us looked
at each other while we ate
the dirty meat.
1132
the guy working behind the

counter at mixk dix asked
if i had any extra eyelashes
he could buy. i sold him
fourteen eyelashes. he put
two eyelashes on some meat
and the meat grew heartshaped eyeballs.
1133
i could not eat all my dirty

meat so my forty-four-yearold dad fed my leftover
meat to his damp ponytail.
1134
the day after prom, my

forty-four-year-old
dad
asked if i wanted to go
kayaking. i told him i didnt.
he bought a kayak and tried
to use it, but his damp pony
tail fell off and the kayak
sunk.
1135
The People Who Tried But Couldnt

a book the people who tried but couldnt
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS

a book the people who tried but couldnt
This book was written on August 14th 2012. Its about trying
even though you could not try.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. hair smells. drink goats. prom drones]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., twelve years of masturbation.
Originally published by a blimpie toast.
ISBN-10: 0615684777
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Last night I had a
dream I worked at a Burger King inside a hockey arena. 3. All
my clothes were made from sewing pizza crusts together. 4.
I quit burger king to go work for a large financial company.
5. But I didnt change my clothes so my new coworkers
left pancake machines on my desk and my parents were
disappointed.
the park where the soccer ball runs around
June 2012
blimpie and toni decided

to go to prom together.
on saturday they went to
the mall to look at prom
dresses.
1139
the name of the prom dress

store was donut smoothie
palace three.
1140
all the prom dresses were

ugly and expensive.
1141
blimpie wanted to kiss toni

and toni wanted to kiss
blimpie. no one kissed. both
of them had small hips.
1142
blimpie and toni mostly

talked about prom dresses
while they tried on prom
dresses.
1143
all the prom dresses were

sparkly and smelled like an
old womans birthday party.
1144
blimpie said the dresses

were reminiscent of the
period of life when igloos
were still orange, purple,
and neon green.
1145
the mall was located near

a horse farm. horses were
always getting loose and
running through the mall.
1146
some of the store owners

in the mall had begun
shooting the horses.
1147
there were a lot of dead

horses in the mall.
1148
blimpie and toni each tried

on four hundred prom
dresses.
1149
there was a television in the

prom store. blimpie and toni
watched television while
they tried on dresses.
1150
the television was filled

with ants. some of the ants
were named after their
fathers. every ant father
was named donut smoothie
palace two.
1151
when the ants werent

inside the television they
ate prom dresses.
1152
all the girls in the town

where the mall lived were
mad at the ants for eating
the prom dresses.
1153
toni and blimpie continued

to try on dresses. the ants
got tired of being inside the
television and began to eat
the prom dresses that toni
and blimpie were wearing.
1154
one of the ants thought

he was eating watermelon
because
some
of
the
prom dresses tasted like
dehydrated watermelon.
1155
the
television
showed
pictures of people wearing
prom dresses in different
parts of the world.
1156
toni and blimpie watched

the people in the television
until the people in the
television were sweaty.
1157
the sweaty people inside

the television made toni
and blimpie want to kiss
each other, but instead
they took off all their
clothes and went to look
for dresses that had not
yet been eaten by ants.
1158
the ants continued to eat

prom dresses until an
exterminator was hired. the
exterminator said there
was nothing he could do.
the ants continued to eat
dresses. the exterminator
began to eat a dress.
1159
a few people who went to

high school with blimpie
and toni showed up at the
prom dress store. they were
holding beers.
1160
the owner of the prom

dress store didnt like
people drinking beer near
the dresses because beer
made people drunk and
when people were drunk
they liked to pee on prom
dresses.
1161
after the high school

people drank the beer they
began to pee on the prom
dresses that blimpie and
toni were wearing.
1162
some of the prom dresses

called the cops. a few
hours later two naked men
showed up and said, were
the cops.
1163
the high school people

were still peeing on blimpie
and toni.
1164
the cops couldnt do

anything because they were
naked.
1165
blimpie and toni were wet in

every area of their bodies
from all the pee.
1166
the cops started drinking

beer because they heard
they beer would help them
find their police clothes.
1167
blimpie and toni liked the

prom dresses they were
wearing even though the
dresses smelled like high
school urine.
1168
the dress store was next

to the food court. there
were some extra ketchup
packets in the dressing
room. blimpie and toni
rubbed their dresses with
the ketchup packets hoping
it would make them stop
smelling like urine.
1169
the prom dresses now

smelled like urine and
ketchup.
1170
the naked, drunk policemen

called an ambulance with
their radios because they
thought the urine and
ketchup smells were blood
and mustard.
1171
the owner of the prom dress

store died.
1172
the ambulance was a big

inflatable dinosaur that
danced when you poked its
belly button.
1173
the drunk cops kept poking

the
ambulances
belly
button.
1174
there was a funeral set up

for the owner of the dress
store. the high school
people made a river in the
corner of the store with
their pee. blimpie and toni
tied the dead owner to
the inflatable dinosaur.
the naked cops pushed the
ambulance into the river.
1175
a lawyer showed up and

told blimpie and toni that
they were responsible for
feeding the dead dress
store owners forty orphan
children.
1176
forty orphan children ran

into the dress store. they
were carrying a dead horse.
most of them didnt have
eyes or mouths and were
smeared with poop.
1177
one of the few orphans

with a mouth said, we were
all at a party last night and
someone drugged us. when
we woke up our eyes and
mouths had been removed
and a lot of people had
pooped on us.
1178
blimpie and toni were only

seventeen and this gift
of forty blind, mouthless
orphans
was
like
an
unwanted pregnancy that
would probably ruin their
lives.
1179
the two naked cops began

putting the orphans in a bag
to take them to the orphan
center.
1180
toni worried that blimpie

would never be happy if the
ophans were delivered to
the orphan center. blimpie
worried that toni would be
depressed for a long time
if the orphans stayed and
they had to care of them
forever.
1181
an hour passed. it was taking

the naked cops a long time
to put all the orphans in
the bag because the cops
were still drunk and were
still more interested in
peeing on prom dresses.
1182
the naked cops did not

finish putting all the
orphans in the bag until
after prom was over. toni
and blimpie were not able
to go to prom. the naked
cops danced together in the
moonlight.
1183
after prom there were

a lot of fireworks. toni
and blimpie dragged their
orphan bag home.
1184
toni got a job handing out

frisbees at the zoo. blimpie
qualified
for
welfare.
the orphan bag sat in the
corner of their one room
apartment and watched
television.
1185
the prom dresses that never

got worn at prom were
taped to the wall of the
one room apartment.
1186
after a year of taking care

of the orphan bag, blimpie
and toni finally looked
in the bag and found onehundred thousand ants.
1187
blimpie looked at toni and

realized toni was tired of
looking at blimpie and not
kissing blimpie. toni looked
at blimpie and realized
blimpie had realized that
toni wanted blimpie to kiss
toni.
1188
to celebrate their future

kisses blimpie and toni went
to the mall where they had
gotten their prom dresses.
they each found a dead
horse head to wear on their
face.
1189
the horse on blimpies face

was more attractive than
the horse on tonis face,
but blimpie did not mind
because when
blimpies
eyes were closed tonis lips
were good at doing popular
dance moves.
1190
the donut smoothie palace

three had turned into a
calzone purse store called
donut smoothie palace four.
1191
The Guy In Court Who Had Pee On His

Butt
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Guy In Court Who Had Pee On His Butt
This book was written on August 18th 2012. Its about how
to fix the failed education system.
The Guy In Court Who Had Pee On His Butt
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. breadsticks. butt mushrooms. numchucks]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., three body whistles.
Originally published by everyones high school principal.
ISBN-10: 0615687156
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Last night I had a
dream that I had to fight my dad. 3. We fought on the front
yard. 4. After we fought my mother drove him home. 5. She
dropped him off on the side of the road and he walked into
the forest.
look at this metal thing im holding
photos taken by Shirin Adhami

June 2012
A
corporation
put
a
cigarette in its mouth
and
complained
about
the unfair distribution of
the tax burden placed on
cigarette smokers.
1195
I hung a piece of meat in

the barn with a dangle of
yarn and made my children
watch it twirl around eight
hours a day for first fifteen
years of their life.
1196
My neighbor educated his

children by bringing home a
twenty-seven-year-old dog.
He told his children it was
their responsibility to keep
it alive. Eventually, after
four years, the dog died. My
neighbor told his children
it was their responsibility
to make the dead dog into a
puppet that didnt smell.
1197
Phil did not want to go to

the courthouse because
he had pee on his butt. The
pee on his butt was not his
pee. It was someone elses
pee. Phil worried that
everyone would know that
the pee on his butt was not
his pee. Before Phil got pee
on his butt he had been a
professional second grade
teacher.
1198
Once, someone cut off their

own head with a hockey
skate. The doctor made the
person eat the hockey skate
before he sewed the head
back on the body.
1199
Parents should build a shed

in their backyard, paint the
word school on it, and
make your kids sit inside of
this shed all day.
1200
The sign told us there were

a lot of different links to
help us go where we wanted
to go, but most of the links
went to the same place.
1201
A roomful of objects
waited for the hours of the
computer to finish draining
into their faces so they
could leave the room and go
out into the yard where the
objects would then drain
the hours of the computer
from their face.
1202
The aim of the tall

educational system was
to yell at the pimples.
The students did not have
eyebrows. Pimples like to
grow on the crevice of a
blind mountain. A boy licked
fleas from his armpit. Two
fleas had sex and gave birth
to a blind goat before the
boy licked them.
1203
A handout describing how

to read handouts was given
to everyone, but all it said
on the handout was, This is
a handout.
1204
One of the teachers told

us that math would be like
the extra candy people find
in a secret mouth that they
didnt know lived in their
face.
1205
The textbook asked the

children if they had eaten
all
the
governments
subsidized digital pony
meat that had been dumped
in the faculty parking lot.
1206
Some
computers
have
been working out at the
local gym. After their
workouts they showered
in the womens bathroom.
Most of the women were
upset because the naked
computers had beige gender
areas.
1207
On the fifteenth floor

of
the
new
private
educational system a man
handed
out
randomly
generated numbers which
the students then sent to
various colleges in hopes
that the colleges liked
their number.
1208
The eighth grade science

teacher had a lint pimple
on his forehead. Every
morning before class this
science
teacher
would
squeeze the pimple until
all the days lint had come
out.
1209
A small boy woke up in the

arms of a stranger who
kept telling him to softly
lick all the covalent bonds
until they were no longer
bonded together.
1210
I have to toilet, said the

little boy in a gray business
suit who was wearing a
neon orange bible on the
mustache area of his face.
1211
A school administrator told

the little boy to remove the
neon bible from his face.
1212
The little boy could not

remove the neon bible from
his face because the neon
bible was a face and the
face was a neon bible.
1213
One of the little boys

friends asked the little boy
with a neon bible mustache
if he could burn the neon
bible on the little boys
face.
1214
The neon bible mustache

boy closed his eyes while
the classmate began to burn
the neon bible on his face.
1215
A love nest cluster grew

at the bottom of the neon
bible mustache.
1216
The little boy did not like

being a neon bible. He signed
up to be a deer in one of the
class musicals. On the night
of the performance, the
little boy dressed as a deer
could not hold his toilet
anymore and he peed on a
girl dressed as a tree.
1217
A cellphone was yelling

at the man who owned the
cell phone. The cell phone
wanted the man to touch it.
The cell phones tiny screen
made ice cream. The man
tried to lick the ice cream.
The cell phone did not taste
like ice cream. The man said,
I am a tiny man living in the
technology age of digital
ice cream.
1218
A
television
watched
himself. He watched the
local news inside his
stomach. A woman on the
local news stuffed her
children into a white
crusted envelope which she
brought to the zoo and fed
to the elementary school
principal who was riding on
top of a hippopotamus.
1219
When a piece of the school

broke it fixed the broken
piece by dumping sand on
it. Eventually the whole
school was a pile of sand.
Children climbed into this
pile and read books made
out of sand, but the students
got tired of the sand books
and the principal bought a
single breadstick that he
let every student hold it in
his or her mouth for three
seconds.
1220
The breadstick that was

in the mouth of every
student for three seconds
had a large family and was
a respected member of
congress even though it
had a tattoo of a tomato on
its forehead.
1221
The breadsticks mother

was the police chief at the
local hospital. She took
babies from poor people and
fed them to the people in
jail who liked to eat babies.
1222
The breadsticks father was

a barrel of oats. Many years
ago, the police chief of the
local hospital had shoved a
handful of the oat daddies
into her womb and a few
evenings later she removed
her bread womb.
1223
For leisure, the breadstick

enjoyed peeing on butts. His
favorite butt to pee on was
Phils butt. Every couple of
weeks the breadstick peed
on Phils butt and then Phil
would feel embarrassed
the next day even though
pee is sterile.
1224
After the breadstick was

removed from the mouth
of the last child he applied
for a job teaching at a poor
elementary school that
could only afford one
raindrop a year.
1225
All the children at the

poor elementary school
had body odor and were
painted white with cheap
synthetic creams.
1226
When the one raindrop fell

on the elementary school
all the white painted
creamy body odors fought
over the raindrop until it
crumbled and was diseased.
1227
One creamy body odor

picked up a crumb of the
raindrop and ate it. His
insides whistled. Everyone
around him smiled and
waited
to
smell
the
whistles.
1228
The
breadstick
had
been hired to teach the
mathematics of the English
language,
but
instead
he taught the creamy
body odors about the
architectural design of
a theoretical planet that
had never been taught how
to orbit anything.
1229
One day, Phil showed up at the

poor crumbling elementary
school and began yelling
at the breadstick because
it had peed on Phils butt
the previous night and
Phil didnt have any clean
clothes to wear. The
students all laughed.
1230
A student laughed so much

at the pee on the butt that
he began to uncontrollably
pee on the butt too.
1231
All the students began to

pee on butts. All the butts
at the poor elementary
school got wet. The school
no longer had to worry
about not having enough
raindrops.
1232
Some of the damp butts

began to grow mushrooms.
The mushrooms didnt taste
like regular mushrooms.
The mushrooms tasted like
butt mushrooms because
they had been grown on a
butt.
1233
The students intellectual

curiosity increased. They
wondered what else they
could grow on butts.
1234
One student tried to grow a

palm tree on his butt. Palm
trees cant grow on butts.
A crop of bamboo grew
instead.
1235
Another
student
grew
prescription
medication
on his butt because all
the grandparents in his
neighborhood were sick
and couldnt afford the
prescription medication.
1236
Some of the teachers felt

uncomfortable with all the
things the students were
growing on their butts. The
government was called.
A
government
official
showed up at the school
and removed all the butt
growth.
1237
The students got very sad

as they watched everything
they grew on their butts
burn in a bonfire in the
middle of the faculty
parking lot.
1238
Everything
went
back
to normal. On Tuesday, a
teacher raised a chair over
his head and yelled at the
chair because it didnt know
how to read.
1239
The breadstick realized

everything was hopeless.
In his suicide note he
wrote, I am sitting in a
room with four hundred
billion children. They are
a reflection of my ability
to be four hundred billion
children.
1240
The breadstick called the

local news and at the press
conference he ate himself
before anyone could stop
him.
1241
At the funeral for the

breadstick, all his former
students cried while peeing
on Phils butt in hopes that
Phils butt would grow a
new breadstick, but nothing
new would grow on Phils
butt.
1242
Later, some people tried

to build a statue for the
breadstick. The pigeons
thought the statue was
a new bird feeder. The
breadstick statue was eaten
by pigeons.
1243
A scholarship fund was

setup in honor of the
breadstick. Poor people had
to paint themselves with
cheap creamy synthetics
until they got cancer to
get the scholarship funds.
1244
One boy painted his dog with

cheap creamy synthetics
and the dog got cancer. A
scholarship fund was given
to the dog. The dog went
to a college that allowed
cancer dogs.
1245
A museum of contemporary
thoughts and cultural
abstractions paid to remove
the cancer from the cancer
dog.
1246
The museum displayed the

cancer in a gallery. Some
of the wealthy benefactors
of the museum were even
allowed to eat a small
nibble of the cancer.
1247
The Computer Made Out Of Yarn And Feta

Cheese
a book about the computer made out of yarn and feta cheese
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Computer Made Out Of Yarn And Feta Cheese

a book about the computer made out of yarn and feta cheese
This book was written on August 21st 2012. Its about the
barn that was responsible for all barns.
The Computer Made Out Of Yarn And Feta Cheese
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. images of jesus sex. the mildest drink.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., fifty-thousand dots.
Originally published by the country of Panama.
ISBN-10: 0615688977
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I had a dream some
guys I knew were in Russia. 3. Then the guys discovered a
spaceship in the middle of outer space. 4. There was a field
on the spaceship. 5. The field was dating everyone I had ever
had a crush on in high school.
some pictures of some dots some other guy painted

June 2012
v
the image on page 44 was

of a guy filled with holes
that had peed inside the
same bathroom for three
consecutive years.
1251
the image on page 50 was a

desert where jesus had his
third birthday party and
where he lost his virginity.
1252

light source. there were
moths chewing on this
light source. the moths
were dusty raindrops. the
light source was not sure it
wanted to be a light source
when it grew up. the moths
glowed.
1253

of a cloud that had been
flattened in a letter
press. the cloud was twodimensional and could no
longer float.
1254

nebula that quietly asked
to be left alone. please do
not bother the nebula.
1255

bicycle. it didnt have any
wheels. all the pieces of
the bicycle were made out
of air.
1256

the noise your electronics
make while you wait for
them to do the things they
are paid to do.
1257

a warm sigh. it was a
combination
of
utter
hopelessness and a lung
that had gotten wet.
1258

movie about a space program
where all the spacesuits
were made out men and
other men crawled inside
these men.
1259

a coffee stain that i was
going to remove, but forgot
about because my arms fell
asleep.
1260

a fish that got sick and
thought it was a fishing
pole.
1261

guide book on how to talk to
strangers if you are a child
and your parents told you
not to talk to strangers.
1262
the croutons on page 17

were spicy.
1263

small child that started
dating the button on a shirt
that was abandoned at the
dry cleaners.
1264

a squishy. it had normal
eyes. there was a bug inside
the squishy. the bug was a
raccoon.
1265

bird. the bird was dressed
like an old woman. there
were tentacles in the old
womans yard. the yard
needed a new shirt.
1266

of a lady. she was wearing
shoes on her ears. her knees
were famous. sometimes her
knees were in magazines.
1267

an instructional manual
on how to talk to bears if
your nose is leaking salmon
flavors.
1268
the image on page 56 was of

a guy who danced alone on
top of his television every
day after he got home from
work.
1269

of a piece of raw carrot
juice. the doctor told my
daughter she had to dress
more like raw carrot juice
in middle school if she
wanted to have a baby at
prom.
1270

an automobile that tried
to float. it was sinking.
there were people inside
the automobile. they were
listening to music. they did
not realize the car had
stopped trying to float and
was now sinking.
1271

man trying to get a puddle
naked.
1272

nurse who didnt want to be
a nurse because she thought
all nurses were made out
of ham jam.
1273

gerbil. there was a crow
near the gerbil. six or
seven pieces of the crows
stomach were lined with
childrens fingers that the
crow had found poking the
gerbil.
1274
the image on the page made

out of sunshine wanted to
be the image on page 3 but
the image on page 3 had
ordered french fries and
was waiting for them to
arrive and crawl inside the
sexual hole where he liked
to keep his french fries.
1275
the image on page 40 asked

the image on page 5 if it
could barrow the image on
page 14.
1276
the image on page 10 woke

up at eight a.m. and put on
some yellow shoes and a
shirt made of pickles.
1277
the image on page 15

knocked on the door of the
image on page 21 and asked
if she had any face cream i
could rub on my chest.
1278
the image on page 60 called

the guy who dated the image
on page 28 and the two of
them laughed at the image
that was pretending to be
on page 51.
1279

really the image that was
supposed to be on page 35.
1280

not supposed to be in this
book, but his father called
someone who knew someone
who once had sex with the
image on page 10.
1281

tired of yawning so he
began salting his yawns in
hopes that they would stop
growing.
1282

contractually obligated to
talk about the cell phone
company that lived in the
tallest building on page 9.
1283
the image on the page that

was a container of garlic
hummus was stale and
wanted to be disposed of
inside a purple balloon.
1284
the retirement package on

page 54 was a seagull.
1285
the igloo on page 29 was a

woman with no eyebrows
who went to college with
my girlfriend.
1286
the first page wasnt

supposed to have an image,
but the guy who made all
the images said he wanted
the image made without
any breast milk to be on the
first page.
1287
the young person who was

not an image on any of the
pages was drawing pictures
of people from high school
who told him he drew like
a girl.
1288

priest. some of the people
who talked to the priest did
not like the way his breath
smelled.
1289
the image on page 39 was an

airport. eight out of every
one-hundred planes that
left the airport had aids.
1290

a giraffe that didnt like
spicy croutons.
1291
the image on page 59 was in

the american revolution. he
kissed george washingtons
horse on the lips.
1292

of a chicken dressed up
as a pickle that lived on a
hamburger that i ate two
days ago.
1293

on the track team in high
school. his best friend
owned a wheelchair. on
weekends
they
drank
smoothies
even though
people normally didnt
drink smoothies on the
weekend.
1294

medical school. it was built
on the desert made of jesus
sex.
1295
the image on page 1 had a

bad smelling haircut living
inside the rectum of the
image on page 30.
1296
the image on page forty

billion was armless and
liked to slap itself in the
face with the teeth of an
empty hummus container.
1297
the image on page 45 was of

a bird that was on vacation
near an air conditioner. the
air condition thought it was
a computer made at a farm
that grew beta leaves.
1298
the image on page 20 used

to be the image on page 38
before page 52 told the
image on 33 that there were
no images on page 49 because
the image on 58 killed all
the images in the world and
there were no images left.
1299
the image on page 46 liked

to drink milk that had been
thoroughly shaken by hand.
1300
the images on page 51 were

tired of being images. they
joined a parachute. all the
images inside the parachute
prayed
about
their
continual existence. more
images joined the parachute.
it began to function less as
a parachute.
1301
the railroad used to own

all the images in this book,
but most of the railroad
had been dissolved into
vanilla cookies.
1302
before the images on pages

5 through 17 were images
they were balls of yarn
in the midwest that never
believed they would be
anything more than some
balls of yarn in the midwest.
1303
The Milk That Drank An Infant

a book about the milk that drank an infant
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
a book about the milk that drank an infant
This book was written on August 22nd 2012. Its about news
anchorman who wishes he was hair.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. secret infants. fields of goat. numchucks.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., the width of a baby ohio county.
Originally published by the curlies.
ISBN-10: 0615689620
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I had a dream
last night that I was an intern for a television show about
democracy. 3. I had to organize files. 4. People would yell at
each other and then eat lunch. 5. There was a noise in my
belly that turned into a child.
all the telephone poles in my neighborhood

June 2012
the entire city of vacuums

stopped working. the vacuum
mechanic had retired from
repairing vacuums. he spent
all day planting teacups
in the ground, waiting for
them to grow into full cups
of tea.
1307
the vacuums in the city made

entirely out of vacuums
did not smell like vacuums.
they smelled like the time
i played basketball against
my friend pepino.
1308
pepino did not enjoy the

way i smelled when we
played basketball against
each other. we had to start
playing basketball near a
public outdoor shower so i
could take frequent breaks
during our game to clean
myself.
1309
some
of
the
vacuums
complained that i was using
all the water in the city. a
police officer was hired to
make sure i didnt shower
while playing basketball. i
smelled so bad that pepino
got a headache and died.
1310
at the funeral a lot of

people seemed upset by my
smell. i had not cleaned
myself in a long time
because i was depressed and
was unable to clean myself.
1311
the dirt where pepino was

buried was tired of being
dirt. it went to college and
learned how to be a pipe
system.
1312
the dirt that became a pipe

system taught all the other
dirt systems how to be pipe
systems.
1313
all the dirt in the world

became an elaborate pipe
system. children were no
longer allowed to play in
the dirt because they would
get lost in the pipes.
1314
most children had to stay

inside and play on the
carpet. their immune systems
were
underdeveloped.
some children had trouble
breathing and using their
eyeballs at the same time.
1315
a lot of the children in the

world went blind. the ones
who didnt go blind stopped
breathing and had to be put
on special machines made
out of pipes that used to be
dirt.
1316
most of the vacuums were

not very good at cleaning
floors because they had
been built to clean dirt not
pipes.
1317
the vacuum cleaners that

were specifically made
for pipes were expensive
and lived in the rich part
of town which was near
the dirt where pepino was
buried.
1318
sometimes i would visit the

pipe system where pepino
lived, but his mother was
always there and she said,
pepino cant talk to you
because you still smell and
because he is dead.
1319
i had reached the point in

my life where i was tired of
smelling so i bought a gun
and shot the police officer
who wouldnt let me use
the shower next to the
basketball court.
1320
the gun i used to shoot the

police officer was not a
real gun. it was made of
wood and only shot bird
feed.
1321
the bird seed i shot at

the police officer didnt
do anything, but i kept
shooting it at him and
eventually after a week he
was completely covered in
bird seed.
1322
one of the mutated vacuums

had recently grown wings.
the mutated, flying vacuum
ate all of the bird seed and
the police officer.
1323
i was able to shower and be

clean and not smell. the
mutated vacuum cleaner
with wings was happy i
didnt smell anymore and
decided to turn into my
friend pepino.
1324
it was nice that my friend

pepino was no longer dead.
i forgot about my sense of
guilt surrounding all the
bad smells i made that had
killed him.
1325
pepino was a nice boy again.

he was surprised about
how much the world had
changed. we decided to go
live in the pipes together
and build a castle so we
could both be king.
1326
there were no kings in the

vacuum city because no
one was willing to live in
the pipes. only kings were
allowed to live in the pipes.
1327
on the first day that pepino

and i were kings, a giant
moth with three rat tails
tried to eat our castle.
1328
pepino had to use his

hexagon jewel laser to
defeat the giant moth with
three rat tails. for dinner
that night we ate crunchies.
1329
the next day another giant

moth tried to eat our
castle. this giant moth had
four giraffe heads and a
lion painted on its dolphin
belly. it was defeated by
pepinos ability to melt a
candle very quickly.
1330
no
more
giant
bothered
our
because pepino had
the only two moths
world.
1331
moths
castle
killed
in the
i felt bad for the future

non-existence
of
giant
moths so i took the two dead
moth bodies and made them
have sex with each other
until the milk in one of the
giant dead moths drank
the milk in the other dead
giant moth.
1332
pepino and i raised the

giant moth baby as our own
child so our castle would
have a future king after
we stopped being the kings.
the giant moth future king
liked eating crunchies.
1333
every night there was a new

threat to our castle. and
every night pepino used a
different weapon to defeat
the threat.
1334
one night a medium size bug

spit in the river that flowed
near our castle. pepino used
his magic spit device to turn
the spit into an invincible
bug that would kill the bug
that had spit in the river.
1335
after the invincible bug

killed the other bug it
decided it wanted to kill
our castle and there
was nothing we could do
because the invincible bug
was invincible.
1336
luckily, pepino realized

the invincible bug was also
the most gullible being
in the world and he easily
convinced the invincible
bug that our castle was
located at the end of the
universe. the invincible,
but very gullible bug left
us alone and went to the
end of the universe.
1337
all the bad things that

could have happened to
our kingdom never quite
happened and we were
allowed to enjoy our
crunchies every night.
1338
it is very easy to make

crunchies. you only need a
food product that is capable
of being crunchy and then
you make it crunchy.
1339
a lot of people dont like

crunchies.
they
think
pebbles are the only
crunchies you can eat, but
pebbles are actually the
only crunchies you cant eat
because pebbles have never
been crunchy.
1340
the crunchiest crunchy is

probably the goat onion.
some people dont believe
goat onions exist. goat
onions are very obedient
and will be crunchy as long
as you ask them politely to
be crunchy.
1341
most people dont know

about goat onions. it is very
easy for goat onions to be
real as long as fields of
goat exist and are willing
to let you plant the onion
seeds in their pipes.
1342
if the fields of goat arent

willing to let you plant the
onion seeds in their pipes
you can always plant the
seeds in your own pipes and
maybe your pipes will grow
goat onions because maybe
you didnt know you were a
field of goat.
1343
most of the fields of goat

near our castle stopped
letting us plant the onion
seeds in their pipes so our
giant moth prince planted
the seeds in his pipes. he
liked crunchies. it was very
easy for him to turn into a
field of goat.
1344
we had endless crunchies

after that. it looked like
we were going to live a
complete and satisfying
life, but pepino got sick and
developed secrets.
1345
at first i didnt notice

pepino was sick or that he
had developed secrets. i
was too busy enjoying the
crunchies and being king.
1346
pepinos sickness advanced

quickly and his secrets
developed into one large
secret that ate the sickness
inside pepino.
1347
on the final day of the giant

secret living secretly inside
of pepino i went for a picnic
alone in the bumble bear
forest. it was probably the
most enjoyable afternoon
of my life.
1348
the bumble bear forest was

a beautiful and magical
place that used to exist in
the world before pepinos
secret ate it.
1349
i was eating some crunchy

bumble bear forest leaves
when i first noticed pepinos
secret eating all of the
bumble bear forest leaves
that i wanted to eat.
1350
i ran home and tried to warn

pepino about his secret,
but his secret beat me
home and i fully realized
the devastating impact of
pepinos secret.
1351
our
kingdom
quickly
crumbled as word of
pepinos secret reached the
neighboring villages.
1352
everyone was giddy at the

thought of our kingdom
dying because everyone
mistook
our
general
kindness as a thirty billion
year long reign of terror.
1353
even the giant invincible

bug that pepino sent to the
other side of the universe
heard about the fall of
our kingdom. the giant
invincible bug returned to
eat the field of goat that
was the giant moth who
was the prince we had made
from an infant that was
drank by milk.
1354
in the last few seconds of

our kingdom i sat beside
pepino and he looked into
my eyes for what seemed
like one-hundred years
before he admitted to me
what had already become
widely apparent.
1355
his secret was not as large

and out of control as the
rest of the world made it
out to be. it was a simple,
honest lie like any of the
giant,
hidden,
private,
tender areas that society
doesnt want anyone else to
know about.
1356
both of us were crying as he

said, i am a cucumber. i have
always been a cucumber. im
sorry i never told anyone. i
thought it would be easier
if no one ever knew.
1357
all the mutated vacuums

climbed over the walls of
our castle. pepino lay in the
middle chambers, unable to
move now that his secret
had been revealed. i was too
emotional to know what to
do next.
1358
a giant white light hovered

over our castle as everyone
began to cut off each
others heads. the white
light looked like a toy or
a milk bubble or the baby
infant that protects all
the regular people living
alone amongst the pipes.
1359
The Remote Control Inside My Ability To

Love
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Remote Control Inside My Ability To Love
This book was written on August 25th 2012. Its about a book
that is read by someone who cant read books.
The Remote Control Inside My Ability To Love
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. fat empty wallpaper desert animals]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., the reassurance that you will get eaten.
Originally published by a record label that invented lasers.
ISBN-10: 0615690629
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Two nights ago my
father, my aunt, and I all had the same dream. 3. It was prom,
we were on boats, the boats sank, some people were put in
canisters. 4. I opened one of the canisters. Only half a person
was inside. 5. After prom was over, Martin Luter King Jr. was
invited to our school to talk. Everything he said didnt help
the boats get unsunk.
i stood on a conveyor belt at the airport volume two
June 2012
i sat in an empty room and

tried to be a remote control
for my ability to love.
1363
the room was empty. the

walls had been removed
and were replaced by
emptiness.
1364
i did not move for thirty

days. the weeks sweat inside
my ear shape.
1365
i got fat. i was not sure why

i got fat. there was nothing
to eat in the room. i got fat
because i didnt move.
1366
i thought i was sitting on a

chair, but when i looked at
what i was sitting on it was
not a chair.
1367
the atmosphere living inside

the rooms boring nature
smiled
and
frequently
winked at me.
1368
the room had been built

by people that werent
humans. the first door was
installed by a concept that
didnt believe in doors. this
door was three inches wide.
1369
one of the corners of the

room whispered to its own
eyebrow. i did not know
how the corner whispered.
there was no mouth or
lungs.
1370
a rumor spread that we

were on a boat. i found no
evidence of water existing
anywhere near the room. if
the room was on a boat then
it was buried thousands of
years inside the boat.
1371
the ceiling grew a simple

illuminating substance. in
the winter this fur grew
thicker.
1372
thin layers of dust were

harvested each week. the
crops were taken to a lint
factory where they made
edible pockets.
1373
there was a wide crack in

the floor. i debated about
pressing my face on the
crack, but i did not want the
crack to leak on my face.
1374
i could hear the sound of a

fan running at night when
i slept. every morning i
looked for this fan, but i
couldnt find it. the fan was
probably three inches wide
and invisible.
1375
one of the windows in the

room had been painted. it
was removed when all the
walls were removed.
1376
the air was dry in the room.

my skin flaked. i enjoyed
packing the dry pieces of my
body in a small tin.
1377
some of the clocks displayed

the same wrong time every
hour. i could only trust one
clock, but i forgot what it
was dressed like.
1378
the room sometimes talked

about all the different
flavors it had been painted.
1379
there was always at least

one person watching me
from outside the room. i
could never tell if i was
naked or if the people
watching me were naked.
1380
the room levitated two or

three hundred feet in the
air. i stopped trying to leave
the room when i realized
i could not swim through
two hundred feet of air.
1381
one weekend so many people

crowded around the room
that the walls of the room
were constantly made of
human bodies.
1382
a desert was painted on

some of the pieces of wall
paper. the desert was empty.
men had never lived in this
desert.
1383
someone once slid a coupon

through the crack in the
floor. i picked it up. it was
not a coupon. i slid it back
through the crack in the
floor.
1384
only one part of my body

was allowed to sweat while
i was in the room. i could
not remember where this
part of my body lived. i was
afraid to sweat with any of
my bodies. i didnt sweat.
1385
food
was
served
infrequently or not served
at all. once a month, maybe.
i did not know how to eat
inside my cage. i waited for
the food to crawl inside
my mouth. the food never
moved.
1386
food was served maybe or

not served at all. once
a month, a piece of food
almost existed. i did not
know how to be food. i
waited for the food to
crawl inside my mouth. the
food never moved.
1387
no one else was allowed

in the room. love became
easier over time.
1388
the only other thing in the

room besides me was a pair
of blue jeans. i prayed to
this pair of blue jeans.
1389
the salt of these prayers

did not whisper or drip. the
shape of the jeans was damp
and empty.
1390
each one of the prayers

had its own system. i made
calculations and invented
larger systems to tell me
if the systems i had created
were functional.
1391
small hairs grew on the

prayers, but these small
hairs were less than a
fraction of a second in
length.
1392
streams of prayer data

gathered and scrolled
across my thoughts. i
could almost gather the
fluctuations
of
each
particular desire.
1393
the prayers that did not

develop as quickly as
the other prayers were
forgotten and lost weight.
their data scrolled less
frequently.
1394
i began to gather the

data from my thoughts in
concrete forms so i would
have objects to pile in the
storage area near my heart.
1395
i
imagined
televisions
arguing over the stored
prayers. i could feel the
heat from each argument.
there was no resolution.
the prayers continued to
grow more hair.
1396
people seemed worried

about the speed in which
this data grew. the piles
of concrete thought were
removed from the storage
areas near my heart.
1397
after i breathed my last

prayer i watched it leave
the room and i cried. i felt
the large arms of the room
hug me as i closed my eyes
and wept.
1398
there was an acceptance

of all the data i had
squandered in my lazy
prayer rituals.
1399
slowly, i began to work on

transforming my brain into
a single flat screen that
people could touch and
digest.
1400
all my earliest memories of

the room were removed as i
began to flatten the parts
of my thoughts that wanted
to be flat.
1401
the brain would not become

a flat two-dimensional
object. i was not satisfied
with its shape. i began to
scream out my eyeballs, but
it was useless.
1402
things changed. the publics

interest in my activities
dropped. for many hours, no
one stood outside my room
and watched me. the room
was alone. its whispers
grew.
1403
i ignored the whispers and

instead looked at myself.
there was my throat, but
i also noticed a second
passageway living in my
body. i did not remember
this second passageway.
it was wide enough for a
person.
1404
i began to crawl through

the second passageway. my
throat was concerned. i was
not excited. it was boring to
be inside my own body.
1405
the second passageway was

long. it stretched over
three or four hundred
miles. after an hour of
crawling inside my second
passageway i could no
longer see my throat.
1406
another hour passed. the

place where i crawled
began to widen. i was no
longer sure if i was moving
forward or sideways.
1407
the sun rose inside the

passageway. i saw i was inside
a very large room. it was
the largest room in the
universe.
1408
on the ceiling of this larger

room, someone had painted
the words of every thought
that has ever been thought.
the ceiling was very small.
1409
i took off one of my shoes.

i did not remember ever
wearing shoes. i stretched
the shoe until it was a
deflated balloon. as i blew
on the deflated balloon
i noticed it was covered
in mirrors. the balloon
became a reflection of the
entire large room.
1410
the balloon looked like

a television after it was
fully inflated. i sat and
watched the television
reflect things in the room
that i hadnt noticed yet. a
toy panda pretended it was
invisible.
1411
the television balloon grew

a new face on a pimple that
had eaten its old face and
the new face said, i would
like to tell you about how a
single remote control lives
inside everyones ability to
love.
1412
the balloon turned into a

single soap bubble which
became very important to
the object of love. love
was a deflating soap bubble
which cleaned our hearts.
three men rebuilt my heart.
they each had a different
mental disability.
1413
the heart that was built

inside the space where
hearts were supposed to be
built inside of me was not
funny enough and would
never be successful.
1414
every heart wore a coat

that thought it was not a
coat. the coat on my heart
liked to tell my mouth to
feed my heart cookies until
my heart was too fat to be a
heart.
1415
The Money I Cant Use In My Bank

Account
a book about the money i cant use in my bank account
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Money I Cant Use In My Bank Account
a book about the money i cant use in my bank account
This book was written on August 28th 2012. Its about a

peach pit I found in my mouth after I work up tomorrow.
The Money I Cant Use In My Bank Account
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. china, worldwide web, pizza mice]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., three glue sticks.
Originally published by a prestigious pair of mittens.
ISBN-10: 0615692907
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I talked on the phone
last night. 3. The phone had white rats. 4. I could hear them
chewing on the battery. 5. I am too old to use a cell phone.
a city pavement yard of fruit boxes
June 2012
i had a lot of money in my

bank account. i couldnt use
any of this money. the money
in my bank account that
i couldnt use was named
iplon chiquito. he was a
habitat archive specialist
for a naked man who owned
some private sectors.
1419
iplon chiquito was the first

one to show up at the office.
he was always the first one
to show up at work. it was
friday. he poured himself
some coffee and emptied it
on the rug.
1420
iplon chiquito checked

his email. there was an
email from a lady who
said something was broken.
iplon chiquito checked on
the thing that was supposed
to be broken. it was not
broken.
1421
a coworker called in
sick. there was a vague
email about a shift in the
standardization of the mail
services. iplon chiquito
looked at a website that
wasnt
compatible with
his monitor. the website
crumbled.
1422
somewhere a bathroom was

being used. a face washed
their hands for twentyfive minutes. iplon chiquito
logged into his bank
account and looked for
some granola he could eat.
there was no granola in the
bank account.
1423
a coworker walked over

to the window and said, i
havent drank any coffee
today. the coworker began
drinking coffee. the rug
got more damp.
1424
outside the window, china

was in the process of
building a new school
that would only develop
children who liked to
eat bugs that were good
at algebra. the children
who didnt like to eat bugs
that were good at algebra
would be tied together and
sold to the pacific ocean as
a small island.
1425
iplon chiquito tried to

remember if china was a
good place to live. he typed
the word, china? into his
computer. the computer
fell asleep. iplon chiquito
was afraid to go outside.
1426
another person arrived

at the office. there were
four people at the office.
the maximum occupancy of
the office was five people.
iplon chiquito called me
and said, dont bring your
mosquito to work today or
our office building will
collapse.
1427
iplon chiquito called his

mother and asked her if
she was going to visit him
in china. his mother said, i
have never been to china.
iplon chiquitos mother
could not afford to go to
china. she was not sure if
china would ever exist in
her life.
1428
a man named iplon chiquito

seemed relieved. he stood
up and walked to the
window. china had finished
building the new school,
but it had fallen apart in an
earthquake. two penguins
were sorting through the
rubble looking for their
babies.
1429
a phone rang. no one

answered it. the phone
continued to ring. it was
friday. no one was allowed
to answer the phone on
friday.
1430
some raw freshwater fish

and donuts were left in
the
conference
room.
iplon chiquito asked his
computer if he should eat
the freshwater fish. a small
parasite crawled into the
computer. the donuts were
quickly eaten.
1431
iplon chiquito was reminded

of a wooden pallet he had
once seen behind the office
building. he decided to go
look at the pallet during
lunch.
1432
the pure emotion and

sensation of being at
work
outweighed
the
intellectual commitment
of being at work.
1433
a triangle sat outside the

window. iplon
chiquito
looked out the window. he
could only see a bird. he
could not see the triangle.
1434
one of the coworkers had

gotten a new lampshade.
he kept looking at himself
in the mirror. he did not
enjoy the new lampshade. it
smelled like a watermelon
and was too round.
1435
iplon chiquito decided to

clean his desk. he opened
the bottom drawer and
found a sofa. the sofa was
dusty. hanging from the
neck of the sofa was a dried
up giggle.
1436
the office building only had

one leaf. this leaf rested
in one of the beige work
spaces. it sat on a manually
rotating cushion. most of
the office cushions were
made from lamb feathers.
1437
the new data organizational

specialist told one of the
coworkers about an ant
who was living in a broken
computer monitor on the
fifth floor of the office
building. for lunch every
day, the ant ate a paper bag
of ice cream.
1438
the office had a general

breeze
in
the
late
afternoon. the workers had
to make sure they wore a
belt or their tuna casserole
would get sandy.
1439
iplon chiquito painted a

yellow dot on the back of his
head. the yellow dot began
working out. the yellow
dots muscles learned how
to make people clap after
he flexed.
1440
the
yellow
dot
with
muscles on the back of iplon
chiquitos head was elected
chief of a local village. one
of the rivers had recently
dried up. this river had to
use a wheelchair.
1441
the
rivers wheelchair
was motorized and made
smoke.
the
company
that
manufactured
the
wheelchair
also
manufactured
cookies
and babies. sometimes the
company
accidentally
packaged the babies in the
cookie boxes.
1442
every month the wheelchair

manufacturer had a beauty
contest. the cookies always
won the beauty contest.
most of the babies were
ugly and plastic and people
didnt like to eat them.
1443
once iplon chiquito ate

a packaged baby that he
thought was a cookie. he
started a petition against
himself. no one talked to
iplon chiquito for a long
time.
1444
iplon chiquito decided to

go on vacation. he rented
an arcade and a sleeping
bag. the sleeping bag had
a built-in watch. iplon
chiquito played all the
arcade games successfully.
he won a plastic sheet of
someone elses face.
1445
when iplon chicquito got

back from his vacation
no one asked him how his
vacation was. he got upset
and yelled at his coworkers.
they all seemed confused
and said, you never went
on vacation. none of us have
ever left this building.
1446
the window still looked

out at china, but the china
outside the window had
relocated to some cheap
land in oklahoma. everyone
at the office building was
scared of china. some of
the coworkers told iplon
chicquito not to worry.
oklahoma
became
the
center of the universe.
iplon chicquito had never
left america.
1447
iplon chicquito realized

he would probably develop
an unstable balance of
emotions in his brain if
he didnt change his life
routine so be bought an
orange wig and a blonde
baby.
1448
the orange wig was obedient

and calm. it was good at
waiting patiently. iplon
chicquito fed the orange
wig small fragments of the
blonde baby.
1449
there was a chat box in the

center of the orange wig. if
you wanted to ask the wig
a question you could type
words into the chat box
and a few minutes later a
moth would land on your
shoulder and whisper to
you.
1450
iplon chicquito heard one

of his coworkers whisper
with their fingers. the
sound of computer buttons
gently being pushed made
iplon chicquito feel dirty.
he tried to press a button.
his computer was empty. it
had no more buttons.
1451
all the information piles

in the office building were
turned off. the man with
teeth was wearing a shirt. it
turned purple. he climbed
into one of the information
piles. he could not fix them.
the information piles were
thrown out before the man
with teeth could leave
them.
1452
last night, iplon chicquito

cuddled with his coworkers
inside an empty closet while
they watched a hologram
of a one-dollar bill eat a
hologram of another onedollar bill.
1453
iplon chicquito decided

he wanted to take a new
kind
of
multi-vitamin.
his heartbeat was having
irregular movements. he
wanted his pulses to be a
normal and routine shape.
1454
on thursdays iplon chicquito

cleaned his ears. the
company offered financial
incentives. he kept his ear
wax in a pouch beneath the
hair of his office chair.
1455
there were noises. iplon

chicquito waited for these
noises to stop. the universe
did not stop making noises.
1456
a man with slow objects

attached to the bottom
of his pant legs crouched
near iplon chicquitos desk.
he did not notice this man
until after the man had
fallen asleep.
1457
someone brought a plate

of cookies to the office
building. iplon chicquito
fed a handful of them to his
email. the computer still
had no buttons. fat leaked
from the internet.
1458
a phone began to punch

iplon chicquito until he
was naked. he tried to
gather his clothes, but they
had climbed a tree. iplon
chicquito could not climb
the tree. his body was too
naked.
1459
things in the office building

began to glow. the window
began to shrink. china
slowly faded. an insect
built a home inside iplon
chicquitos ear.
1460
the quiet, hidden, social,

late night space where
iplon chicquito liked to
dance became a louder,
more visible and awkward
location that was only open
early in the mornings.
1461
iplon chicquito said, i

can feel my body turning
into a light bulb that only
blinks when i want to eat
freshwater orphans.
1462
after sitting naked in his

cubicle for most of the day,
iplon chicquito climbed to
the top of the tree where
his clothes were and laid
down until helicopters
dumped gasoline on the
tree.
1463
in the back of iplon

chicquitos throat there
was a stack of files he was
supposed to organize a week
earlier. at the bottom of
the canyon built on the roof
of the office building was
a single flip flop. the boss
used to wear a necklace
with everyones face.
1464
the head or the fragments

of iplon chicquito were
drifting in a sauce and he
didnt like the noise that
his body was incapable
of making, but trying to
create.
1465
the mood ring at the bottom

of iplon chicquito was
still not regulated and
it needed its information
code checked.
1466
on the first day of fall,

the batteries inside iplon
chicquitos face had grown
their own face and were
dancing on the outside of
iplon chicquitos face.
1467
i was never able to remove

the iplon chicquito from my
bank account. once, after i
had lost all desperation in
my ability to live without
money i rented a jetski
and drove it towards the
largest waterfall in the
universe.
1468
people
in
helicopters
cheered me and threw
popcorn at my head. the
small kernels gathered
speed and weight as they
fell and caused large
disruptions to the water.
1469
i ended up crashing the

jetski into a bank owned
portable island. the natives
on the island were wearing
crinkled business suits.
1470
the bank decided to burn

all the iplon chicquito
in my bank account after
they heard i stole a jetski
and crashed it into their
portable island.
1471
The Beeping Noise At The End Of That

Movie
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Beeping Noise At The End Of That Movie

This book was written on August 31st 2012. Its about a book
of goals that will help us develop ourselves until we are all
non-puddles
The Beeping Noise At The End Of That Movie
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. arnold and jeanie have babies. non-owls]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., ten gorillion years.
Originally published by a group of eggplants that were old.
ISBN-10: 0615693504
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. A fat man who used
to be my coach sat next to another man who used to be my
coach. 3. One of the men told the other man that he was
getting fatter. 4. My roommate pooped and didnt flush last
night. 5. I dont know what happened next.
chairs on the beach
June 2012
the beeping noise did

not stop after the movie
ended. jeanie, arnold, and
i decided to get ice cream.
their ice creams were not
beeping. my spoon had lung
cancer.
1475
the ice cream was built in

a small factory downtown.
it was the only store
with customers. most of
the other businesses had
retired to the quiet side of
the mountain. there were a
lot of seagulls downtown.
1476
jeanie and arnold did not

put their ice cream in their
mouths. they talked to it
until it had melted. there
were puddles in the ice
cream factory. arnold lay
down in his puddle.
1477
the manager of the ice

cream
factory
enjoyed
watching his customers lay
in their ice cream puddles.
a song played from the
ceiling. the music in the ice
cream factory made it easier
to lay down in an ice cream
puddle. jeanie lay down in
her ice cream puddle.
1478

cream factory took off his
shirt and watched everyone
lay in their puddles. i was
the only one not laying in a
puddle.
1479
the beeping noise had not

stopped, but it had slowed
down. i think the beeping
noise enjoyed all the ice
cream i was eating. the
beeping noise sounded like
one long and gentle beep
that had forgotten it was a
beep. i enjoyed this endless
drone.
1480

cream factory asked me why
i wasnt making ice cream
puddles for him to watch
me sit in. i looked at all the
other customers. most of
them had turned into ice
cream puddles.
1481
i told the manager that a

beeping noise in my head
wanted me to continue
eating ice cream until the
beeping noise in my head
stopped.
1482
the managers head grew

a seagull. i watched the
seagull open its mouth. a
man wearing the skin of
a gerbil stood inside the
seagulls mouth. this man
in the skin of a gerbil told
me to feed him the beeping
noise in my head.
1483
i measured the beeping

noise in my head. the
circumference
of
the
beeping noise was too large
to fit inside the mouth of
the man wearing the gerbil
skin inside the throat of the
seagull that was growing
from the head of the
manager of the ice cream
factory.
1484
the whole situation did

not look like it would fix
itself. there were too many
puddles. these puddles
began to leak into ditches.
the ditches turned into
streams which eventually
reached the ocean. a whale
in the ocean tasted the
puddles and grew a tumor
in his babies.
1485
a bunch of boxes of orange

juice were delivered to
the ice cream factory
downtown. these boxes of
orange juice were from
ohio. the ice cream factory
did not know what to do
with the boxes of orange
juice. the beeping noise in
my head had never heard of
ohio.
1486
three terminally ill wives

showed up in one of the
ice cream puddles. no one
knew whose wives they
were. there were aspects of
social criticism on all their
faces.
1487
people began laughing at

inappropriate moments. an
airplane full of airplanes
filled
with
doctors
who were going to an
earthquake territory to fix
the wounded babies crashed
inside one of the ice cream
puddles. some of the
doctors inside the airplane
full of airplanes drowned.
other doctors ate ice cream
and learned to float.
1488
one of the puddles filed

some paperwork with the
state of ohio and became a
professional snowplow.
1489
the seagull on the roof of

the manager died.
1490
two small children licked

their bodies and were
covered in sprinkles.
1491
some of the puddles grew

arms.
1492
most
of
the
puddles
demanded to be invited
to parties. a few of them
climbed inside a box and
asked to be shipped to new
york city. the parties in new
york city were good.
1493
the state of ohio banned

puddles after children who
were licked and covered
in sprinkles snorted the
puddles and died.
1494
a new social networking site

called puddledotpuddle
was created.
1495
people began to burn their

puddles and a church
devoted to burning puddles
was built on the non-quiet
side of the mountain.
1496
little boys drank puddles

made out of whiskey and
grease, but the grease was
not normal grease. it was
made from feathers.
1497
a bus full of puddles left

the ice cream shop at one
a.m. it drove to the quiet
side of the mountain.
everyone was left holding
a spoon filled with lung
cancer.
1498
the beeping noise in my head

gained weight. it told me i
had to take medicine. i ate a
package of white crackers
and thought of doing the
white cracker dance.
1499
i was tired of all the puddles

in my life. the beeping noise
continued to be a constant
drone, but i accepted its
agitation. i decided to buy a
bus ticket. there were none
available until november.
i bought one and quietly
waited for my body to grow
a hair the size of november.
1500
there was a book called,

please make a list of goals
that will help us develop
ourselves until we are all nonpuddles. i wrote this book.
in the book, i said, its very
important to communicate
with yourself in a way that
proves to your parents that
youre a non-puddle.
1501
once, someone told me to

encourage myself not to
try too hard not to be a
non-puddle.
1502
before i tried to be a nonpuddle, i asked the state

of ohio to do a background
check on my previous
employment history, but i
did not have access to these
records and i had to begin
my non-puddle lifestyle
without knowing anything
about the person i used to
be before i tried to be a
non-puddle.
1503
i was worried i was going

to have trouble grading
myself and that i would fail
out of non-puddle training.
1504
i had not been participating

with myself very much
lately.
1505
if i didnt get a passing grade

then i would not qualify
for a non-puddle existence.
1506
from the perspective of a

non-puddle, it didnt seem
possible that i would ever
transition from being a
puddle to being a nonpuddle because i still didnt
believe i was a puddle.
1507
i understood i wasnt a nonpuddle, but i also didnt

feel like any of my human
cells wanted to be anything
except non-puddles.
1508
i was a non-detail of a nonexample of something that

everyone believed was nonexistent.
1509
the book i wrote on how to

make life goals told me to
make an outline for every
breath i would ever take
the rest of my life and then
eliminate all the puddlerelated activities.
1510
in one of the reviews i read

for my book, the person
said, i thought this book
would help me eliminate
all the people in my life
who had ever thought
about puddles.
1511
it was my birthday. i sat in

a puddle and took notes
about whether i was more
of a puddle than the puddle
i was wearing.
1512
the book i wrote also said,

it is very important to
find the mandatory age
requirement in your state
for all unqualified nonpuddles.
1513
briefly, i wanted to touch

on the experimentation of
making detailed records
of my thoughts whenever i
was trying not to be a nonpuddle, but then i realized
i had never had a moment in
my life when i wasnt trying
to be a non-puddle.
1514
on the internet, puddles

were more popular than
non-puddles, but after the
internet was discontinued
in ohio, these popularity
surveys were dumped in
a sandy area and then
flooded until the sandy
area became a non-sandy
area resembling the pond
where the beeping noises
used to live.
1515
i logged into a nonpuddle to gauge whether

my
technologies
were
conflicting with my natural
forms of communication,
but the connection told me
my password didnt give me
access to the technologies i
wanted to touch.
1516
for a long time i forgot

about the beeping noise, but
one day the beeping noise
started ringing and when
i answered it on the third
ring jeanie and arnold
asked if i wanted to go see
a movie.
1517
in the opening scene of the

movie, a six-foot-tall white
man stood on the porch of a
suburban home somewhere
in ohio and rang the
doorbell. no one answered.
the six-foot-tall white man
went to the back porch
and continued to ring the
doorbell.
1518
for the rest of the movie

the six-foot-tall white man
rang the doorbell. no one
ever answered the door. he
turned into a donut.
1519
after the movie, jeanie and

arnold asked if i wanted to
go to the ice cream factory
and make puddles. i told
them my non-puddle life
was too busy.
1520
instead, i went to a suburb in

ohio and dressed like a sixfoot-tall white man. i was
going to ring the doorbell,
but a puddle dressed like
an undercover cia agent
shot me because he thought
i was a donut.
1521
the only two people to show

up at my funeral were jeanie
and arnold. they were in
love with each other. after
i was buried they asked
the guy who buried me if
he would marry them. he
nodded and brought them
to a lake that used to be a
puddle and told them to
drink from it.
1522
being dead was okay. i was

more of a non-puddle after
i died than i had been before
i died.
1523
sometimes people would

remember me and mail me
thought cookies. if i hadnt
been dead then i would have
written a book about how
to mail thought cookies to
the people you know who
were dead.
1524
it used to be really easy

for people to mail thought
cookies because mailing
things to dead people was
free when i used to be dead.
1525
i got the most thought

cookies from the beeping
noise that used to live in
my head. he was renting a
condo on an island painted
on the chest of the man
wearing the gerbil skin
inside the seagull that had
died, but was stilling living
on the head of the manager
of the ice cream factory.
1526
the best thought cookies

were the ones made from
children
who
licked
themselves
and
were
covered in sprinkles.
1527
The Blind Cats That Needed Money

a book about the blind cats that needed money....
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Blind Cats That Needed Money Because They Were Ugly
a book about the blind cats that needed money because they were ugly
This book was written on August 31st 2012. Its about a book
of goals that will help us develop ourselves until we are all
non-puddles
The Blind Cats That Needed Money Because They Were Ugly
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. kitten hamburgers. white salad faces.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., three mouthfuls of paper.
Originally published by a man who finished eating a
hamburger.
ISBN-10: 0615695434
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I forgot my skates. 3.
I decided to play hockey anyway. 4. We all ate some pea soup
before the game. 5. I moved very slowly on the ice.
kittens eating hamburgers on the internet
June 2012
kitten networks were an

integral part of society.
some of the kittens turned
into logs. these logs were
used to build tunnels.
old people pressed their
mouths on these tunnels
and meowed.
1531
we took for granted the

giant heads ability to
transact kittens over the
networks.
the
smaller
heads were supposed to
benefit from the escalating
methods of creation. the
log sectors did not believe
in their file cabinets.
1532
the large white breads

were dressed like white
bread while they taught
themselves how to eat the
white mother of bread.
she tried to crawl inside a
kitten.
1533
most of the logs were

sick. the kittens were fed
chemicals and their faces
went numb. new kittens
grew from the sick logs.
1534
after the old people

were done breathing on
the tunnels, the kittens
tried to use the tunnels to
crawl inside of the large
white breads, but some men
wearing white bread on
their faces did not want
the kittens and burned the
tunnels.
1535
the men with white bread on

their faces told everyone
who lived in the tunnels
to eat corn. sometimes the
white bread men were bad
and filled kittens with
ointments.
the
kittens
did not like this mule
treatment. the drug kittens
were thrown in the ocean.
1536
the large white breads

spread mayonnaise on their
face. it was too hot to be a
large bread. there wasnt
enough mayonnaise.
1537
for
kitten
networks
to function as kitten
networks, the internet
needed to remove the white
bread from its face and
clean the fundamental
infrastructure of society
so that the performance of
society no longer needed
to wear white bread on its
faces.
1538
the white bread inside

the face made of white
bread
took
electricity
for granted even though
electricity
would
not
always flow through the
tunnels that were burned
after they were filled with
old people and kittens.
1539
the telephone was a quiet

mother. we needed to
reroute all the flowers
that were growing on the
kitten faces so they would
begin to grow on the white
bread faces.
1540
the kittens that werent

filled with drugs and
thrown in the ocean were
tied together and made into
a raft that was supposed
to go to outer space, but
the raft was thrown in the
ocean and it floated to the
island made of polar bear
heads.
1541
before the smaller heads

believed in the large head,
they believed in the island
made of polar bear heads.
the smallest head in the
world believed that the
large head was made from
the dead brother of the
island made of polar bear
heads.
1542
no one liked the smallest

head in the world. it was
turned into a mosquito.
the mosquito then had to
swim to the birth of its own
existence.
1543
the kitten networks used to

be less reliable. on the day
the internet tunnels were
dug, the kitten networks
were put on a ship that got
poked by the tall iceberg
lettuce whale. everyone
was afraid of the tall
iceberg lettuce whale. the
ship got poked until the
ship sunk.
1544
there were many factors

why the tall iceberg lettuce
whale was tall. iceberg
lettuce whales werent
usually tall because they
dont have legs. the tall
iceberg lettuce whale had
legs and was tall and could
walk on water. it liked to
run on top of the ocean and
poke ships until the ships
sank.
1545
there were two types of

kitten networks. one of the
kitten networks liked to
pray to a small bottle of neck
warmers. the small bottle
of neck warmers believed
in the god of resources. all
kitten networks needed
resources. the other kitten
network prayed to the
implementation of systems
that were beyond the depths
of the smallest burning
small loaf of white heads.
1546
mayonnaise used to be an
important resource because
everyone
thought
that
kitten networks were made
out of white bread.
1547
the god of resources was

not a shape. it was an empty
space. people and things and
kitten networks sometimes
tried to use this empty space
and they ended up getting
turned into an object that
was empty and forgotten
like the mouth of the first
wooden bowl of dinosaur
frosted flakes.
1548
resource god theory usually

occurred when network
performance was limited
and people were forced to
sit in the dark alone and
not touch themselves.
1549
the source of something

concrete related to data
hardware cannot help but
touch itself and spread
empty tunnels on their
mayonnaise bread.
1550
the bread on the faces of

everything white began to
bomb the island made of
polar bear heads because
a blue, hollow elephant
with a gourd face told the
face bread that all the
polar bears on the island
of polar bear heads were
filled with leaky gold and
fast food tacos.
1551
the slow kitten mayonnaise

could not be processed.
1552
the server platform and

a few of the associated
communication links were
too busy sitting alone in the
dark, touching themselves.
1553
a blinking icon told the

kitten wearing a goldfish
helmet to wait patiently.
this blinking icon was a
priest who had converted
all the bottles of neck
warmers into a bag of wool
scarves.
1554
the island made of polar

bear heads was not filled
with leaky gold. it was only
filled with fast food tacos.
1555
a piece of white bread grew

a tunnel in one of the fast
food tacos. four mosquitoes
were born in this tunnel.
each mosquito had a switch
on its forehead that turned
on a microwave inside a
house built on wheels that
was planted in a swamp.
these microwaves had once
been used to turn white
bread into mayonnaise.
1556
the god of resources did

not know how to make more
people. it called one of
the kitten networks and
asked the kitten network
if it could make more
people. the kitten network
was filled with drugs and
floating in the ocean. the
god of resources bought
a new wire and gave it to
the ocean so that it could
properly connect to the
kitten network. the drugs
were decomposing into
minnows.
1557
after the island made

of polar bear heads got
tunneled, a gas company
filled the tunnels with
small face oil and waited
for the small face oil to
have babies with the fast
food tacos. the babies would
grow up to be scientists.
1558
scientists were not able to

solve all the god problems
that existed outside the
space occupied by the white
bread faces.
1559
one of the baby scientists

discovered that the tacos
inside the island of polar
bear faces could be used
to make a clean, renewable
energy source. the white
bread faces got scared and
thought the baby scientist
was trying to build an
atomic weapon that would
melt all their mayonnaise.
1560
every mayonnaise breaded,

small faced, young white
bread got a tattoo on their
chest of the baby scientist
getting
tunneled
and
burned. none of the other
baby scientists ever figured
out how to make the tacos
living inside the island of
polar bear heads into a
clean, renewable energy
source.
1561
the mayonnaise breaded,

small faced, young white
breads got hungry and ate
most of the baby scientist.
1562
a few kittens were able

to escape the tunnels of
the island of polar bear
faces and they tried to
crawl inside america, but
the
mayonnaise
police
caught them and put the
kittens inside a boat made
of underdeveloped kittens
that were filled with drugs
made
from
genetically
engineered corn.
1563
this book was supposed to be

a paper i wrote in college
on how to make millions of
dollars by selling cocaine
grown from genetically
engineered corn.
1564
first you want to cut off

the corn farmers head
and stuff his family inside
the neck. then you want to
tie his head back on with a
wool scarf. one of his sons
will try to escape out of his
dads mouth. teach this son
to dig a hole. when the hole
is fourteen feet deep fill it
in with dogs.
1565
the objective of this book

was to provide a set of
techniques to overcome all
the implementation diseases
that occurred when people
thought their kittens were
networking devices they
could use to connect to the
internet.
1566
this book was organized

into four sectors. each
part was supposed to be
self-contained to allow
for detailed study of
that particular area. for
example, section 1.2 dealt
with
the
algorithmic
details of the fundamental
principles of the primitive
beliefs in breaded gods.
1567
the giant head gave birth to

all the smaller heads. the
smaller heads tried to give
birth to a new giant head.
the smaller heads could
only give birth to a tiny
kitten.
1568
the kitten said, the only

way a log will grow into a
giant head is if it learns the
essence of each brain cell
in the average human brain
and extracts the mental
baggage from each of these
cells.
1569
a restaurant that sold

white bread faces to the
poor was set up in the
neighborhood face that was
poorest. children traded
their fingers for a white
bread face.
1570
most of the restaurants

that sold white bread faces
were made from mayonnaise
bricks.
1571
to motivate the community

to eat its white bread faces,
the restaurants gave out
toys and told the people
who didnt have white
bread faces that the toys
would help invalidate the
design of the face they
were wearing.
1572
it was impossible for the

kittens filled with mule
water to exist in a world
that enjoyed eating the
faces of people who used to
drink from the mule water.
1573
thoughts or mental puppies

used to be an integral part
of the face that lived in the
brain. some of the thoughts
turned into wood. the wood
was used to build old people
who pressed their wood on
the face of the face we ate
that was living in societys
other brain.
1574
the giant head wanted to

be a smaller head so it
could ride the small rides
without worrying about
the methods of creating
small heads that did not
believe in the giant head
that created them.
1575
the white breads began

dressing like what they
thought
giant
heads
dressed like.
1576
most of the wood was sick.

the old people who had
eaten this wood began to
turn into wood that would
get sick and be eaten by
more old people who would
turn into wood.
1577
after the tunnels stopped

breathing,
a
simplistic
device grew from its lung
and made small infrequent
beeps to help amuse the
non-functioning lung.
1578
the men with white bread

face ointments were trying
to remove the ointment by
rubbing kittens on their
faces.
1579
twelve mayonnaise birds

swooped down and stole
all the kittens from the
internet. people who were
born from the internet
spread mayonnaise on their
internet screens. there
wasnt enough mayonnaise.
1580
the fundamental infrastructure of society was

never supposed to be the
fundamental
infrastructure of society. it only ever
wanted to wear mayonnaise
jeans and rub white bread
faces on its armpits.
1581
the white bread inside

the face that was a small
head born from the giant
head decided to build a
tunnel inside a bridge that
connected old people with
wood that was not sick and
that had been made out of
kittens
1582
kitten networks were an

integral part of society.
the logs have rotted. old
people tunnels pressed
their mouths on old tunnels
and meowed.
1583
The Thing I Forgot
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Thing I Forgot
This book was written on September 5th 2012. Its about a

lollipop that is afraid to grow hair.
The Thing I Forgot
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. the city of 29 books. ethiopian salads.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., half the legume family of soups.
Originally published by the part of my brain that doesnt
breathe.
ISBN-10: 061569604X
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I woke up at two
a.m. 3. I had trouble being a person. 4. My heart was making
light shapes on the ceiling. 5. Everyone in New York City
was naked and lived inside a television.
in a car at four a.m.
June 2012
i forgot a thing.
1587
i dont remember what i

forgot.
1588
something used to take up

space in my head.
1589
the thing i forgot was

replaced by the memory of
forgetting.
1590
i tried to remove the

memory of me forgetting
because the memory of me
forgetting was very large
and there wasnt very much
room for any other things
in my head.
1591
the thing i forgot grew

into multiple things.
1592
i could not remember

multiple things and the
memory of me forgetting
only grew larger.
1593
a doctor asked why i visited

his house on the weekend. i
told him i had forgotten a
thing. he gave me a bandage.
i put it on my head.
1594
my mother called and asked

why i had not called her in
fifteen years.
1595
i brushed my teeth for

seventy-two
continuous
hours because i could not
remember when i started
brushing my teeth and
it wasnt until i finished
brushing my teeth that i
remembered i had brushed
my teeth for seventy-two
continuous hours.
1596
someone left the oven on in

my apartment.
1597
i knocked on a door until

it opened. there was a bed. i
went to sleep.
1598
the lawn near my house was

overgrown. there was no
machine in the wooden hut
next to the apple tree.
1599
every egg i tried to open

was not a good egg. i could
not eat any of these nongood eggs.
1600
my
boyfriend
stopped
coming over because he said
my emotions had forgotten
how to be emotions.
1601
sometimes i looked at old

pictures of jelly crumbs
that i had found in the
street.
these
pictures
helped me remember what
jelly crumbs were.
1602
a child made a lot of

drawings and stuck them
on the refrigerator. most
of the drawings were of
giraffes and pancakes.
1603
the thing i forgot became

a thing that i forgot i had
forgotten.
1604
the thing i forgot i had

forgotten felt like it took
up less space in my brain,
but it probably took up
more space.
1605
when i eventually remembered i had forgotten a

thing i began to cry. my
tears attracted a mouse. the
mouse asked why i was crying. i told him i had forgotten a thing. the mouse died.
the dead mouse attracted
a painted snail. the painted
snail asked the dead mouse
why it was dead. the mouse
pointed at my tears. i tried
to point at the thing i had
forgotten. the painted snail
began to levitate.
1606
my brains thought i had

turned into a floating,
painted snail.
1607
a man dressed in a blue suit

gave me new credit cards
and pharmacy coupons.
1608
one of the lollipops i

bought had a babys face
drawn on it so i glued the
lollipop to the back of my
head.
1609
i realized i had not been to

work in almost thirty-five
years.
1610
the people who used to

help me press buttons had
all retired.
1611
i pressed the wrong button.

all my hair fell out. the
factory melted.
1612
a baby mother impregnated

the lollipop on the back of
my head. it gave birth to a
pile of skittles.
1613
i watered the skittles and

rubbed dirt on their face
so their bodies would be
immune to worms.
1614
most of the skittles were

eaten by squirrels. some of
the squirrels confessed.
as punishment i put these
squirrels in my mouth for a
few months.
1615
the squirrels in my mouth

got damp and turned into
river moths.
1616
one of the damp moths told

me my lawn needed more
love.
1617
i rubbed my overgrown
lawn until it grew onions
that thought they were
dogs. i fed the onions dog
food.
1618
one of the onion dogs grew

into a piece of kale. i oiled
the piece of kale and put it
in the oven. the oven was set
at fifty degrees. i cooked
the piece of kale for three
years.
1619
my uncle owned a salsa

factory. he bought the oiled
kale chip that had been in
the oven for three years.
1620
there were brains in my

head that regretted all the
dogs, skittles, and moths in
my life.
1621
a pastor moved into the

yellow house across the
street. he was fourteen
years old. i asked the
pastor if god could help
me remember the thing i
wanted to remember.
1622
i began wearing a bonnet

because i thought it would
hold my thoughts closer to
my brain.
1623
i painted the bonnet the

color of god. people
sometimes asked me if i had
cancer.
1624
the bonnet slowly made me

bald.
1625
all the hair on my head

turned into a single worm
that wanted to eat my brain.
1626
i fed the worm on my head

skittles and moths.
1627
the oven talked to me

at night sometimes and i
thought it was god.
1628
the voice i thought was god

told me to feed it my worm.
1629
i hired the fourteen year

old pastor to stop my oven
from pretending to be god.
the fourteen year old pastor removed the oven from
the house.
1630
a few weeks later i found

a bread leaf in my yard and
tried to cook it. my oven
had turned into a worm.
1631
the worm on my head fell

in love with the oven that
had turned into a worm.
1632
to celebrate the worm

marriage i bought a leaf
machine and tried to mow
my lawn.
1633
the onion dogs bit my ankles

and i bled a lot before the
fourteen year old pastor
cut off my feet to stop the
bleeding.
1634
sometimes in the morning

i forgot i didnt have feet
and tried to get out of bed.
1635
the two worms on my head

laughed even though they
didnt have feet either.
1636
i didnt cut my fingernails

for a year because i thought
they would grow into feet.
1637
the fourteen year old

pastor would sometimes
bring me the leftover
church meat on sundays.
1638
once i tried to kiss the

fourteen-year-old pastor
and make him my foot, but
he shot me in the face with
his bible rifle and i havent
been able to think about
much of anything since.
1639
Only Being Thirty Percent Married

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on September 7th 2012. Its about

going to a store and yelling at the non-organic meat until the
meat becomes ashamed of its family.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. techniques. online shopping. turtles]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., the arm thickness of a 3rd trimester baby.
Originally published by the fire department as a guide on
how to teach people to make good decisions.
ISBN-10: 0615698948
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I had a dream last
night that my friend and I bought hats that were too big for
our heads. 3. A different friend stole my pillow. 4. A carnival
made of pimples built a castle on their body. 5. The doctor in
charge of our zone did not have a heart.
boxes having relations with other boxes
June 2012
i only got thirty percent

married because my left
arm had been numb for
twelve years.
1643
when i was four it was

against the law to eat fruit
because fruit made your
limbs have dreams about
being sheep bread.
1644
a scientist with no arms who

did not believe in the idea
of human appendages had
invented a tree that liked
to make fruit with its limbs.
1645
people who dont have

arms usually dont like it
when people who do have
arms complain about their
marriage being numb.
1646
once my father bought a

twelve percent marriage
at a flea market and when
he brought it home the
marriage got hit in the head
by a brick and almost died.
1647
the brick was angry. it

had been fully married to
some lamb bread its entire
existence and the brick was
tired of being poor.
1648
the wealthiest brick in the

entire world was rich. it
had over thirty thousand
marriages. each one only
took up a fraction of a
percent. the brick lived
in the mouth of a man who
owned every hotel.
1649
the hotel mouth didnt

have teeth or marriages.
the brick got paid to be the
teeth. sometimes when the
hotel mouth got lonely he
pretended one of his hotels
was a fraction of a marital
percent.
1650
things or objects that are

paid to be teeth are paid
to touch a lot of food but
never eat any of it.
1651
i once knew a guy who paid

his partial marriage to
be the teeth in his mouth.
most of the food in thirty
percent of my marriage was
eaten by me. four percent
of all marriages in 1991
were built upon a common
trust in food.
1652
sometimes i ate so much food

that i thought my marriage
was thirty-three or thirtyfour percent because i
gained enough weight to
buy three or four percent
of all the excess groceries
in the world.
1653
the guy who owned most of

the internet began turning
some of the pieces of the
internet into food that he
stored in the mouth of his
motel husband.
1654
the website where people

bought used cars got
turned into a sweet relish
that tasted good on hot
dogs.
1655
i used to wonder why people

who were bald and couldnt
afford an expensive wig
didnt just wear hair made
out of sweet relish.
1656
some of the guys who liked

to stand outside of the local
convenience store used
to be bald. now, they wear
hair made out of their own
teeth. their mouths were
bald until they learned to
pay a brick to touch their
food.
1657
the technique of wearing

bricks in your mouth was
similar to the technique of
being only thirty percent
married, but wearing a
brick in your mouth was
probably more pleasurable.
1658
i invented the thirty

percent marriage technique
because i believed that not
everyone wanted to fully
committed
to
someone
elses teeth for the rest of
their lives.
1659
a lot of religious people

tried to burn crosses into
my forehead because most
religious
people
dont
believe in the idea of not
being fully invested in the
product of love.
1660
i was scared of religion so

i tattooed an upside down
cross under my left eye. i
also began wearing a cape
so i wouldnt get hurt.
1661
one the ninth of july, a

priest threw a burning
toaster at me. my cape
protected me. the burning
toaster landed next to an
elementary school.
1662
the newspaper told the

police that i had invented
the burning toaster and
that had burned down the
elementary school.
1663
a judge told me i had to

go to a holiday party as
retribution for burning
down
the
elementary
school. i asked him if i could
wear my cape to the party.
he said capes were allowed
at the party.
1664
the other person in thirty

percent of my marriage
asked for a divorce before
i went to the holiday party.
1665
i was worried that my cape

would not protect me at the
holiday party and that all
the bad guys would want to
make me cry because they
thought i had burned down
an elementary school.
1666
the holiday party was okay.

i ended up in a relationship
that was only five percent
of a marriage.
1667
one of the people at the

holiday party tattooed a
thousand baby minnows on
my face while i was sleeping.
1668
after the holiday party

ended it was tough to find
work because the tattoo
on my face of a thousand
baby minnows looked like
a tattoo of a thousand baby
sperms.
1669
i applied for a job at a

grocery store. the manager
asked if i had recently
been to a holiday party or
if i had ever been partially
married. i didnt get the job.
1670
behind the grocery store

there was a small trout
stream. i tried to hang
myself from the small
trout stream, but i only got
wet and a large, pregnant
outdoor house cat tried to
eat some of the minnows
tattooed on my face.
1671
one
of
the
minnows
seemed to understand the
difficulty of being only
thirty percent married.
he told me he had once
been in thirty percent of a
marriage with a drug that
was supposed to help him
grow arms.
1672
a police deputy drove his

car into the small trout
stream and asked me to
stop trying to hang myself
on the small trout stream
behind the grocery store.
i walked home. it rained.
some of the raindrops were
trout. they laughed at me
because i couldnt hang
myself on the small trout
stream.
1673
i went to the house where

my former partial marriage
lived. my ex-thirty percent
marriage was not excited
to see me. i asked why the
thirty percent marriage
didnt work. the house
where my former partial
marriage lived said, i wish
you were a radio.
1674
with monumental calm and

maddening
thoroughness
i was able to develop a
technique that would help
me turn four percent of
my body into a hand-sized
transistor radio.
1675
i used a method of
transformation that had
become popular in france.
a lot of people called this
transformation one of the
most important techniques
of the second half of the
twenty-first century.
1676
the important technique

of
hand-sized
radio
transformation was adopted
by
other
governments
around the world. a dirt
farmer who lived on the
side of a barren mountain
adopted the technique and
became a an electronic
pancake made out of bed
fluff.
1677
one of my best friends was

writing a book on bed fluff
and became very interested
in the technique of the
electronic
pancake.
he
began going to a meditation
temple to practice the
technique.
1678
as more and more people

turned
into
hand-held
electronics,
i
realized
that without machines,
the world would either be
forced to hang itself on a
small stream of trout or
get partially married to
a planet that had better
machine functionality.
1679
four percent of my body was

still a radio. the minnows
tattooed on my face were
still tattooed on my face.
my holiday party chaperone
called one night and asked
if i had been practicing a
technique. i told him i was
too coordinated to be a
dance floor.
1680
the minnows tattooed on

my face believed in the
technique of being able to
mechanically
transform
my thoughts into a pile of
burning trash that would
turn everyones body into a
small trout stream.
1681
the partial love affair

that became my ex-partial
marriage said, i only
want to partially marry
something whose
limbs
have never been numb and
whose face is not covered
in minnows that had never
eaten lamb bread.
1682
the person who was only

thirty percent married
to me was a scientist who
specialized in how to invent
humans that didnt have
limbs that were numb.
1683
people used to believe in

science because it made
them feel like their fathers
had never been children.
1684
i started writing this book

because i wanted to explore
the aspects of society that
could not afford to be
fully invested in marriage
because their mouths didnt
have teeth and were instead
forced to wear bricks inside
their faces.
1685
after i finished writing this

book i asked a person who i
thought was committed to
the technique of partial
marriages if they would
ever get thirty percent
married to a person who
wrote a book about only
being
thirty
percent
married.
1686
for a few months i was alone

and i began to doubt the
idea of partial marriages. it
was difficult to eat because
my brain had taught my
stomach not to believe in
anything.
1687
i sent the book to some

publishers, but they said it
was probably impossible to
publish because they didnt
think anyone would want to
read a book about marriage
that didnt talk about the
naked techniques of being
married.
1688
i moved to an empty part

of the world and tried to
become a standup comedian.
no one ever came to any of
my shows. i mostly stood in
a room full of chairs and
kissed a microphone.
1689
the guy who was in charge

of making sure no one peed
in the french fry grease at
the fast food restaurant
asked me if i would take
a picture of him and his
girlfriend at niagara falls.
1690
i got on a boat. it was wet. i

got scared. the guy driving
the boat told me to rent the
movie about how to control
my fear of boats before i
got on another boat.
1691
i bought a dog instead of

renting the movie about
how to control my fear of
boats. a few months later i
heard that the actor who
played the boat in the movie
about how to control my
fear of boats won a trophy
for being the greatest
actor alive.
1692
my dog was a good dog. he

ate most of the minnows
that had been tattooed on
my face.
1693
when i began writing this

book i was mad at everyone.
i thought it was their fault
that i was a man.
1694
i have come to realize that

no man is fully, one-hundred
percent, a true meat pile
of male flesh. each man is
made up of thousands of
decisions that were created
by the limbless percentages
of techniques that believe
in the numbing behavior of
our social constraints.
1695
The Soup Broth That Liked to Wear

Scarves
a book about the soup broth that liked to wear scarves
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Soup Broth That Liked to Wear Scarves
a book about the soup broth that liked to wear scarves

sweating on an uneaten ice cream cone.
The Soup Broth That Liked to Wear Scarves
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. shirtless men. internet birthday cakes]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., the amount of crumbs left on earth.
Originally published by the truck that wished it was a guy.
ISBN-10: 0615698956
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I was in a taxi cab.
3. I think we were on our way to a party. 4. I didnt know any
of the people living in the taxi cab. 5. Our bill was expensive
because we ordered fish.
the shirtless man went to the aquarium
June 2012
i woke up at six a.m. there

was a fan in the window.
i touched my face. there
were whiskers, but they
had not yet developed
into a form of caterpillar
fuzz that would grow into
a mustache of butterfly
wings.
1699
i sat at a computer. i opened

a word document. the
internet was not working.
i tried to write about a guy
who thought he was made
out soup broth.
1700
a fragment of a dream held

onto the fleapit sprouting
from the middle of my
forehead. in the dream i was
sitting next to a field that
i had dated in high school.
the field told me that she
was a salad. i began to put
lettuce in my mouth.
1701
i closed the word document

and opened a machine that
made boxes. i used the
machine to make thousands
of boxes. three hours passed.
my body was tired of making
boxes.
1702
the internet still did not

work. my roommate said the
internet would not work
until monday or tuesday.
i looked at my phone. i
had gotten an email from
someone who had eaten a
salty peanut.
1703
i looked at the word

document again. the soup
broth was struggling to
become soup broth. i yawned.
it was almost ten a.m.
1704
my roommates girlfriend
opened the refrigerator
and took out a plastic
container of lettuce. i
thought about the field i
had dated in high school.
1705
i decided to do some
laundry. i removed the
sheets from my bed. one of
the pillow cases thought it
was a cricket. another one
said it was my illegitimate
cousin.
1706
the washing machine in

the basement used to be a
piece of space exploration
technology. the landlord
had bought it from a guy
who used to work at nasa
and it was retrofitted to do
simple household chores. i
put quarters in the machine
and my clothes got wet.
1707
for breakfast i decided

to drop a lentil on the
floor. a mouse sniffed
the lentil. i told him the
lentil cost a nickel. the
mouse disappeared through
an astronomical portal. i
picked up the lentil and
cooked it.
1708
my roommate was in the

bathroom playing guitar.
his girlfriend sat at the
kitchen table and looked
at a grain of salt. she was in
grad school, studying the
psychological effects of
kitchen minerals.
1709
there
was
an
empty
container of milk on top of
the oven. i picked it up and
imagined it was a container
of red tangerine juice. i
closed my eyes, lifted the
container to my lips, and
drank.
1710
almost four thousand years

ago, the onion was invented
as a replacement for a
husbands face after a giant
eagle attacked a village.
most of the males in this
village were
bleeding.
some of the men bled for
the rest of their lives.
1711
for breakfast, i decided

to make soup broth. as i
was gathering all the soup
broth materials i noticed
one of my eyebrows was
slightly
heavier
than
my other eyebrow. my
roommate was still playing
guitar. i shaved off one my
eyebrows.
1712
i was no longer hungry. i sat

down at my computer again.
the internet was still not
working. i pressed the shift
key until my computer
beeped and fell asleep.
1713
my phone was getting

dressed. it said it had a
date at the aquarium. i told
my phone that it was not
allowed to go on dates. it
said it wanted to run away
and kill itself.
1714
i sat at my computer even

though it was asleep and
cried until my face was a
bowl of soup broth. i tasted
the soup broth. it said it
liked fish.
1715
my phone went to the

aquarium every day. his
favorite fish was the pink
stinky one.
1716
soup broth usually didnt

wear a shirt because he was
afraid his shirts made him
smell like soup broth.
1717
the soup broths best friend

was the guy who sold
popcorn at the aquarium.
when i was a child, popcorn
was
nutritional
and
fascinating.
1718
the fish at the aquarium

were not well behaved. they
liked to draw mustaches on
the children.
1719
the soup broth had two

children. one of them
died after a fish drew a
mustache on an ambulance.
1720
two people named barbara

and ted didnt want to have
children. they bought a bag
of celery instead.
1721
most of the fish at the

aquarium liked to dress
like my mom.
1722
when i was in college my

father told me to take
calculated risks. i decided
to become a bowl of soup
broth.
1723
most of my friends made fun

of me after i graduated. a
degree in how to be soup
broth
was
essentially
worthless.
1724
like every other person

who majored in how to be
soup broth, i was not sure
what to do with my life.
1725
sometimes i would go to the

supermarket and ask the
jars of soup broth what they
thought i should do with
my life, but they all told
me to get my ph.d. in soup
broth and then i would be
allowed to sit on a grocery
store shelf.
1726
all my non-soup broth

friends had majored in
useful things like how to
breathe properly when
sitting at a desk for eight
hours a day.
1727
i got invited to a lot of

birthday parties. people
always wanted me to be
soup broth. no one ever paid
me to be soup broth. i was
only ever soup broth when
people wanted free soup
broth.
1728
i ended up moving to
antarctica for two years to
teach english to a snowball.
1729
when i came home from

antarctica my parents were
dead. the only thing left
for me was my soup broth
education.
1730
i grew older. on another

lonely birthday, an email
popped up out of the blue.
it said, is it your birthday?
are you lonely? i nodded.
the email gently rubbed my
shoulders and said, happy
birthday.
1731
i put on a good shirt and

waited for it to get old and
no longer be a good shirt.
four hundred days later,
i was wearing a shirt that
wasnt good.
1732
a local photographer paid

me to sit in his yard while
he filmed my facial hair
growing. it took fourteen
days to grow a beard. as i
sat, not moving, i performed
a cost-benefit analysis of
every breath i took.
1733
i tried to use my soup

broth education for other
purposes. i had heard about
people who had turned into
seeds. i liked seeds. for a
month i tried to turn into a
seed that could be planted
intellectually in the brains
of the uneducated.
1734
after thousands of failed

attempts i realized it was
impossible to become a seed.
i had ears. seeds dont have
ears.
1735
a friend of a friend knew a

guy who was friends with a
guy who was a pharmacist.
when i was little i had
been afraid of men in white
coats. the pharmacist said
he could attach prosthetic
skin flaps to the sides of my
face to cover my ears.
1736
after i got the skin flaps

attached to the side of my
face i tried and failed again
to be a seed. i was still a
person who was almost, but
not quite an adult.
1737
the skin flaps began to rot.

i realized they were made
out of synthetic avocado
peels.
1738
i removed the skin flaps

from my head and put them
in a green-shaped box. the
box had been a present from
my girlfriend in college.
she had pet birds.
1739
even though i did not enjoy

the skin flaps that had
been attached to the side
of my head, their removal
created a void in my life
that left me searching for
something lofty to help me
get over my loss.
1740
the green-shaped box was

handmade. it had been sewn
together by a pair of orange
and gold finches. these
birds did not have hands,
but they were good at
making things that looked
professionally handmade.
1741
unfortunately, the gold

and melon flavored birds
did not like making the
boxes. it was tough on their
beaks.
1742
for three or four years i

was stuck in the same frame
of mind. at parties i would
sit next to the wall and ask
it why my soup broth ability
was so pathetic.
1743
a shirtless man who had

one hand in a bag of ruffles
potato chips offered to be
my mentor. he said he knew
karate, but i had never
seen him do a jump kick or
anything.
1744
my mentors best karate

move seemed to be that he
always had a bag of ruffles
potato chips and that he
always kept one hand in this
bag.
1745
i began to imitate my
mentor. i walked around
with my shirts completely
unbuttoned. instead of a
bag of ruffles potato chips,
i carried a jar of pickles.
1746
when i ran out of pickles i

refilled the jar with corn
niblits. when i ran out of
corn niblits i refilled the
jar with chocolate covered
tomatoes. the chocolate
covered tomatoes never
ran out.
1747
my friends began to respect

me more. they enjoyed my
jar of endless chocolate
tomatoes. i was invited to
more parties. a person who
didnt have any masculine
features began calling me
a lot.
1748
job
interviews
were
scheduled. they went well.
the jar of endless chocolate
covered
tomatoes
was
helpful. more and more
people kept reaching into
my jar.
1749
for a few months i enjoyed

the luxuries of my pickle
jar filled with chocolate
covered tomatoes, but then
one morning i got tired of
carrying around the pickle
jar and i left it at home.
1750
everyone wishes they were

a tiny boy in ohio who
had dinosaur arms made
from a machine gun that
shot bullets that werent
actually bullets because
they were feather marbles,
meaning they didnt hurt
anyone when they got shot.
1751
The Lamp That Slept In A Water Bed

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on September 12th 2012. Its the

pizza-flavored eggs that sometimes I pretend I have in a
safety deposit box that I keep in my bedroom closet.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. horse lamps. dog sheets, alabama twigs]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., four hours of blowing my nose.
Originally published by a guy didnt use a napkin in college.
ISBN-10: 0615699499
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. My girlfriend and
I got jobs landscaping in the desert. 3. She started a weekly
elderly basketball league, stole a deer, bought a wheelchair,
began selling ice cream at the beach, saw someone she knew
from college at an egg house, and got free eggs. 4. I sat and
watched her while I drank ginger ale and ate potatoes. 5. I
think I cried a lot and told her she was selling the ice cream
wrong.
a woman talks to a lamp
June 2012
i woke up at four a.m. and

was disappointed i had not
yet discovered the meaning
of life.
1755
this book was not supposed

to be about lamps or
waterbeds.
1756
i had recently started a

new diet because my friend
had been on it for a few
weeks and he said, it was
the answer to all of lifes
difficult questions.
1757
i once missed the bus. it was

tuesday. i had eaten too
many sugar noodles the
night before.
1758
after being on the diet for

three weeks, i no longer
had any feeling in any of
the smallest three fingers
on my left hand.
1759
there was a man on the bus

who was worried about the
global infrastructure of
all his noodles.
1760
i began to sneak handfuls

of bread from the bread
refrigerator.
1761
the man on the bus told me

he read a book once about
a lamp that never slept. the
book did not exist because
lamps had stopped being a
part of my life.
1762
every time i ate bread i

felt both depressed and
joyful. emotionally, i was
depressed because with
every mouthful of bread,
i knew i was further from
answering lifes difficult
questions,
but
i
felt
physically joyful because i
liked eating bread.
1763
the roof of the bus was

covered with an organic
garden that grew lamps
and noodles.
1764
my high school principal

called and asked if i wanted
to be an algebra teacher.
on the first day of class i
handed out beans. i asked
the students how many
beans there were in the
world.
1765
a lamp is an object that

believes it does not need
to save the world from
itself because its ability to
be a higher being does not
actually exist.
1766
there was a lamp next to my

bed. my roommate got sick.
the lamp next to my bed got
sick. the doctor told me
that i needed a new lamp.
1767
the water that my lamp

drank was contaminated.
the contaminants seeped
down from a mountain of
waste. at the bottom of the
mountain i sat in a room and
drew numbers on my chest.
1768
the lamp understood that it

was not always going to be
a lamp. it also knew that it
was impossible for lamps to
continue being the literal
manifestation of lamps.
1769
algebra liked to cause

trouble.
it
attacked
possums. sometimes it would
eat dinner three times
because three different
families offered to feed it
dinner.
1770
the water bed looked out

the window and said, when
i become a little old lady
i probably wont remember
where i am and ill wander
around the grocery store
until someone takes me
home.
1771
the lamps and the waterbeds

drank so much diet coke
that they were given a prize.
some of the prizes were old
teeth that my mother had
left out on the side of the
road with a sign that said,
free.
1772
when the bus arrived at the

centralized bus station i
marched up a hill and at the
top of the hill i watched
a man who was born in the
ocean move used tissues
from trashcan to trashcan.
1773
on my last birthday, i thought

i saw a lamp riding a bike,
but the bike was too much of
a residual element to be a
bike and the lamp probably
had the initial stages of
cancer that couldnt quite
be recognized yet using
scientific tests.
1774
in
years
past,
lamps
were used to process
uncategorized files. when
the processing was finished
the lamps were turned into
rainbows.
1775
an old friend called last

night and told me he was
going to mail me twentythousand lamps.
1776
in the algebra class i was

teaching, i developed a
new code for how to use
waterbeds. the equation
involved ignoring pillows
with my brain and sleeping
in a roomful of oceans.
1777
to use the lamp, it was

important to read all the
instructions carefully and
to not skip ahead or else
you would never properly
be able to figure out your
life.
1778
i emailed a lamp and asked

it if it was a new form of
technology. the lamp did
not know how to use the
yes button connected to his
machine.
1779
lamps were everything that

oceans and waterbeds were.
their thoughts all thought
the same thoughts. when
lamps dreamt about lamps
they were really dreaming
about me. everything the
lamp chose to eat yesterday
was a lamp. if you did not eat
a lamp then your universe
was not unlimited and
yesterday was a failure.
1780
a pair of lamps had a baby.

the baby had math class
with my neighbor. after
math class, the baby tried
to take advantage of the
endless opportunities that
were supposed to give it
happiness and success. the
lamp parents fed the baby
an ocean of sugar noodles.
1781
i could feel my nose

developing. it was starting
to get sick. i took a sip from
my waterbed. the mattress
was not as moist as it had
been when i went to sleep.
1782
the majority of lamps

were good. most of the bad
lamps got returned to the
store. somewhere a man
collected all the bad lamps
and created the eleventh
largest ocean in the world.
1783
lamps have never needed

or wanted a successful job
or career. they have never
been a part of a stable and
good family. very few have
ever discovered financial
security.
1784
on the 10,314th day i was

alive, i decided to become
a poor, thin light bulb that
wallowed the rest of its
life in obscurity.
1785
the lamp next to my bed

tried to write a book. it
was titled what your body
thinks when you talk to
yourself even though you
dont even have a mouth.
1786
another relationship between lamps and algebra

was invented a few minutes ago. the formation of
this new relationship was
supposed to economically change the future existence of nature, but it was
also supposed to inherently
teach people how to grow
plants from their eyeballs
and then burn these plants
until all the fossil fuels on
earth began to cry tears of
joy.
1787
on october 21, 1947 planet

earth got tired of being
obedient. it had orbited the
sun for almost five billion
years. the sun had always
been the dominant person
it its life. earth decided to
run away from the sun, buy
a lamp, drink the lamp, and
recklessly drive more than
sixty-six thousand miles an
hour towards an unknown
product of future doom.
1788
lamps
were
never
disappointed when they
realized they havent yet
discovered the meaning of
life.
1789
this book was supposed to

be about the time i bought
a lamp online, but they
sent me a cake shaped like a
waterbed.
1790
the diet that was supposed

to answer some of lifes
difficult questions ended
up giving me gout and the
doctor had to cut off one
of my legs.
1791
to celebrate my leg being

cut off, some of my friends
invited me to a barbeque
and we cooked the leg. it
was tuesday. a fire truck
showed up. the chief of the
fire department told our
barbeque that we werent
allowed to cook legs.
1792
for three weeks, i struggled

through the realization
that i would never again
have to trim the toenails on
my missing limb.
1793
one morning i woke up and i

discovered a man was living
in the empty space where my
leg had been. the man was
dressed like a waterbed,
but his face looked like
an imported antique lamp
made from camel hair.
1794
at night, i began to notice

that the man would sneak
into the
kitchen and
eat pieces of the bread
refrigerator.
1795
on the anniversary of my
first airplane ride, i signed
a document that officially
made the man living in
the empty space where my
leg used to be my legal
guardian. the first thing he
did after the document was
signed was teach me how to
never sleep again.
1796
every time i wanted to sleep

i ate a piece of my bread
refrigerator.
1797
instead of sleeping, i got

a job driving a bus. most
of the children on the bus
were quiet. they were doing
their algebra homework.
1798
on the morning after my

first year of not sleeping
i changed my name love
journey and i visited the
doctor. he said i had gout in
my other leg and it would
have to be removed.
1799
some of my friends were

concerned about me because
i didnt have any legs and
i had not slept for a year.
i was invited to another
barbeque. we cooked me
leg. the police showed up
and shot metal balloons at
us.
1800
it was very difficult to keep

living. my legal guardian
got tired of being my legal
guardian and he remarried.
his new wife was shaped
like a pancake that had been
left in someones mouth,
but hadnt been chewed.
1801
to make myself feel better,

i bought some waffles and
stapled them to the empty
space where my legs used to
be.
1802
there wasnt much else

for me to do so i moved to
hollywood. i got a job as a
goat on an underground
disney production about
the mouse that lived in
abraham lincolns spleen.
1803
on weekends, i called home

and talked to my lamp and
waterbed. they were older
than i ever remembered
them being. most nights
they just ate french fries
for dinner.
1804
everything in my life was

pretty stable. i went to a
new doctor. he was my old
doctors cousin. the gout
had spread to my left arm.
1805
after my left arm was cut

off i waited for my friends
to invite me to a barbeque,
but i didnt have any friends
in hollywood so i invited
myself to a barbeque and i
roasted my left arm alone.
1806
i expected the police or

the fire department to
show up, but no one seemed
concerned that i was
barbequing my arm. when
the limb was almost done
toasting, a possum attacked
me and stole the meat off
the grill.
1807
How To Put A Boot In A Ship Made Of

Teeth
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
How To Put A Boot In A Ship Made Of Teeth
This book was written on September 14th 2012. Its a garbage

man.
How To Put A Boot In A Ship Made Of Teeth
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. how to clean a baby tooth. jelly tongue]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., fourteen million beats per minute.
Originally published by the love pigeon.
ISBN-10: 0615700012
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Some men were
invited into my bedroom to play basketball. 3. They kept
yelling at my curtains. 4. The announcer sighed a lot. 5. I
was dressed in clothes from when I was fourteen months old.
a woman gets her teeth cleaned
June 2012
call your mother and

give her the telephone
information for the bridge
to the egg rainbow zoo
where all the lambs teach
the children how to create
rainbow lasers through
pure eyeball strain.
1811
wait next to an abandoned

teacup for the tow truck
to come and drag the dead
porcelain carcass to the
meat shop where the pennies
will float down from the
square clouds next to the
ceiling fans.
1812
a girl in the middle of the

street held her mouth wide
open and was eating a large,
thick spaghetti noodle that
was hanging down from the
blue heart pules of the
atmospheres inner cones.
1813
dad tried to open a pottery

catering business that sold
baskets of my moms best
pottery to the crowd of
people i hired to scratch
the inside of my throat
while i got my new haircut
glued on my face.
1814
a white tailed fluffy tear

drop with deer antlers was
resting on my cheek as it
waited for a train to finish
moving up the river to the
hen cottages of future
lettuce flavored sandwich
biscuits.
1815
i am a billion flavors of
tropical
emotion
right
now, said the man who
had just given birth to a
wet vacation towel from
a souvenir shop near the
grand canyon.
1816
in a factory somewhere
near the part of kansas that
most resembles a french
fry, three men removed
their belts and began using
bottles of glass cleaner
to sooth their stomach
bubbles.
1817
our
teenagers
were
behaving like the men in
the orgasm suits that lived
in a trailer park behind the
swamp where the zoo used
to be until the hurricane
freed all the honey bears.
1818
neon fish were slowly

crawling up the street
toward the pile of teeth
that had been left by the
patch of chickens who had
recently only been giving
birth to eggs that were
teeth.
1819
a sip of water was placed

in my mouth by a giant ear
who thought i should do a
better job telling my dad
that he was a good dad in
my life.
1820
the building stood on a

piece of wood and told the
other buildings that his dad
was a tall building who had
recently crumbled, but it
was okay, people would still
be able to purchase cake
from the small bakery that
lived in the tall buildings
foot.
1821
the hill looked at the sun.

fourteen people tried to
swim to the top of the hill.
most of them washed ashore
when the sun set and the
hill rolled over to go to
sleep.
1822
a local farmer turned on

his pesticide hose and raked
berries onto his face for his
beard to chew and swallow.
1823
the quiet emblem sewn in

the middle of the quilt was
dressed like a bald unicorn
that had once had thirty
horns, but had lost them
all after the chemotherapy
treatments.
1824
i removed my socks and

asked my neighbor to
watch them when i went on
vacation. i gave my neighbor
very specific directions and
told her that sometimes
my socks liked to nibble on
lint bunnies.
1825
the internet woke me up in

the middle of the night and
pressed my face on a girl
who liked to make glitter
out of yarn.
1826
there was a baseball game

yesterday.
the
winkies
played the twangles. four
thousand people stormed
the field and ate all the
winkles
because
they
forgot their uniforms and
were dressed like pretzels.
1827
remove the boot from your

teeth and clean both the
boot with your teeth. call
your dentist and ask him
if teeth can float. set up a
user name and log into your
account and begin deleting
the leftover fragments of
whatever is left of your
teeth. some of your teeth
will pretend to be sick and
not want to go to school.
1828
after all the teeth were

removed i felt sick. i drank
lots of liquids. there was
a festival in honor of all
the teeth i removed from
my face when i was eight. i
had just learned that girls
werent a weirder and
prettier versions of boys.
1829
the pirate ship made me

play basketball on national
television
against
an
overweight
sleeveless
t-shirt that had gotten the
walrus mother sick.
1830
the rainbow was crying

because the recent social
processes
of
birthday
celebrations
had
been
underwhelming.
1831
if i drank wine i would go

to a party and drink all
the bottles. then i would
drink the dog. afterwards,
i
would
call
thirty
psychologists and tell them
that my mother shouldnt
have given birth to the baby
wine god that was living in
my throat.
1832
if youve ever used dirt or

thought about your own
feelings then you should
read the email i just got.
1833
my neighbor was dancing

on his roof. he fell off the
roof. when the ambulance
showed up one of the medics
climbed on the roof as my
neighbors
replacement
and began dancing.
1834
the telephone was used as

a gravy ladle. the bridge
connecting the gravy to
our stomachs was under
construction. there was
a detour through the
eyeball.
1835
in about four seconds,

ninety-nine
percent
of
the worlds population of
invisible butterflies will
land on your shoulder.
1836
touch your boots. if your

boots meow then rub an ice
cube on their lips. a field of
grass should begin to grow
from these ice cubes.
1837
the people who invented

odd-shaped shampoo bottles were invited to my
house last night to pray for
a solution to their desire
for me not to rinse my hair
ever again.
1838
i am a candy cane. there are

too many people dressed
like me. i want my life
to be more of a unique
perspective. press my small
button.
1839
everyone grabbed a meat

woman and gave her a
balloon. the lambs were
born inside eggs. their
children
were
being
drizzled with christmas
tree frosting.
1840
a car drove by. it was

a quarterback on the
tumbleweeds. we sang about
muffins.
1841
i removed one of my boots

because my tooth was sore
and it needed to be rubbed
with my bare foot.
1842
the giant cupcake put a

help wanted sign inside her
male nipple and waited for
the shape of the economy
to swell so she could cut
off the nipple and sell it
to a family who were overwhelmed with their island
of pizza emotions.
1843
the people who moved

in down the street were
naked and they painted
their apartment so it was
naked too.
1844
on the bus, a girl sat next

to a boy who was licking
his own face because he
thought he was a baby seal.
1845
a man touched a plastic

orange cone. another man
climbed on a giant arm and
began painting the ceiling
of the vegetable garden
on the roof of his luxury
utility vehicle.
1846
some pigeons were tied to

each other because they
only had one wing.
1847
at the bottom of a hill i

waited for my sweater to
stop breathing. its mouth
was leaking exhaust on
my face. near the top of
the hill i saw a wagon.
inside the wagon two men
were dressed like wagons
because they wanted to
convince everyone in the
world to dress like wagons.
1848
i tried to order a new

television. when i got
home the television hadnt
arrived. people were angry
because they depended on
my television. i was tired of
not owning my own leg.
1849
head was dream. not the

butter areas of the head. the
body contained a sleeping
form of amusement.
1850
cubes were painting plastic

suitcases on my pond. the
pond was on fire. dim sugar
would be an obstacle.
1851
the declaration of love was

a dis-comfortable pleasure
that was allowed to be a
mental condition of choice
in our lives.
1852
a statue was built on the

side of a rape mountain.
people visited the statue
and took pictures of it,
but they ignored the rape
mountain.
1853
a button was pressed on the

soft location of my candy
cane. more lives were built,
waiting for people that
werent yet dressed like
people to move in.
1854
the strain in my mothers

eyeball was not from
rainbow lasers. i glued
my hair to the ceiling and
danced until my hair fell
off and i stopped floating.
a girl who was younger
than me began wearing my
mothers clothes.
1855
the face i built for my dad

was made of deer antlers
and a saltwater biscuit.
1856
the factory that made all

the wet vacation towels
also made all the french
fries factories constructed
in the midwest.
1857
twelve honey bears chewed

on a pile of teenagers who
were behaving like neon
fish that were slowly
outgrowing their egg teeth.
1858
the drip of water looked

at the patch of invisible
organisms
that
were
planted on the roof of
my mouth. the building i
worked inside of was a dirty
foot. i had to clean it with
an ice cream spoon.
1859
specified
values
were
resolved when a handful
of meat napkins were shown
to have intrinsic value
through various methods of
computation.
1860
the theoretical box for this

example was not displayed
anywhere in the world but
it still generated a behavior
format that was neither
visual nor optimistic.
1861
on the television a man

was screaming because one
of his boots was made out
of one of his illegitimate
daughters and he had been
wearing the boots for
thirty years without ever
knowing.
1862
last night, i took a bath in

a motel bathroom. there
were onions growing in the
sink. i looked at myself in
the mirror. i hesitated. i
had forgotten to rinse the
shampoo out of my brain.
1863
The Powerful Mold Rainbow

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS

loving the pieces of the unknown things that scare us.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. mold rainbows. sacrificial horse face]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., 3/4 of a roommates guitar collection.
Originally published by some chicken oil in a jelly jar.
ISBN-10: 0615700721
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I robbed a bank last
night. 3. We would have got away, but the elevator didnt
work. 4. We hid in a movie theater until someone recognized
me because I took off my mask to watch the movie. 5. The
maid in a hotel shot me with a machine gun, but it didnt
really hurt
These are some old baseball cards that I used to own.
June 2012
a mold rainbow did not

need additional motivation
for it to be a mold rainbow.
1867
the head of a sacrificial

horse was dragged across
the sun and placed in front
of all the children who had
been asked to trade in their
mouths for mold rainbows.
1868
the source of all the

interesting noises in the
month of september came
indirectly
from
mold
rainbows.
1869
some of the young heads that

were not quite horse faces
slept outside a government
office and waited for their
fair, easy smiles to grow
tall.
1870
people were not sure if they

were injured, but before
their injury reports were
generated, a young boy
with lots of injuries visited
a hospital specifically built
to treat wounded mold
rainbows.
1871
a diagonal raindrop dripped

across the summer lawn and
ran up the side of the house
where it stood on the top of
the roof and yelled to the
golden mold rainbow gods.
1872
the guy from the q-tip said

his wrist had turned into
a little boy who was going
to die from a mold rainbow
infection.
1873
four siblings, all named

gregory,
wore
their
smallest bodies to their
moldy
fathers
dentist
appointment
and
each
sibling took turns spitting
in their fathers mouth as it
got cleaned.
1874
a group of mold rainbows

looked at a group of
wolves that thought they
were birds made of orange
feathers.
1875
the administrator of all

the mold rainbows had
trouble with his muddled
thoughts and forgot one of
his knuckles at the grocery
store.
1876
there were eighty-four

bodies hiding inside the
only child left who was not
infected.
1877
one of the indigenous

school teachers rubbed his
enthusiasm on the dried
out riverbed and he wore
this dirty emotion as a shirt
that the small bodies in
his class could relate to
because all the families in
the region relied on the
river and ever since the
mold rainbow drank it up
everyone was kind of dirty
and useless.
1878
the centipede hired by

the government to burn
the towns that had been
infected twice said, my
mind is tired, but my fire
has a strong mind.
1879
there was an ear connected

to the other ear by a wire
that was not connected to a
brain. the ear talked about
the igloo of the giraffe.
some of the random moldy
tongues apologized.
1880
someone
named
honey
buffalo ran around the
paved area of the urban
grass huts and prayed for
rain with his sweat.
1881
a
space
program
was
invented by the government
to stop the mold rainbow
from turning the sun into a
mold rainbow, but the space
anti-rainbow program got
drunk and everyone in the
government traded their
bathtubs for a laser moon
beam.
1882
the open can of important

surprises was spray painted
with a message from a
group of freedom jellies
that said, dont open me if
you dont believe in large
bodies.
1883
there was a hole in the

side of the mold rainbows
universe. a mouse lived in
the hole. it wore a helmet
made from a pelican heart.
1884
the mold had filled eightythree percent of all the

vacant homes in america.
1885
a few boys walked down to

the empty river to worship
the piece of the sun that
had created the emptiness.
1886
the mold rainbow was

excited because when his
husband got home they
were going to pay a panda
bear to make them a cake.
1887
the rope that was supposed

to be connected to the moon
had never been connected
to the moon and all the
people who were climbing
this rope did not actually
know where they were
going.
1888
when autumn came and the

leaves were diminished,
someone glued a thousand
video cameras to the empty
tree so a record could be
made of the coming winter
with its mold rainbow
promises.
1889
twelve years ago, when

the mold rainbow was
twenty-six thousand years
old, a man dressed like his
wife ordered a new cable
television
subscription
package
that
included
fourteen billion channels
devoted to people who only
bled sweaty cream from
their wrists after they used
a dull boring piece of the
kitchen to open the wound.
1890
there was a lot of pressure

building in the mold
rainbows forehead and a
very thin ice cube was used
to relieve the pressure.
1891
mold
rainbows
were
floating in everyones brain.
1892
the toy store manager did

not want people who had
mold rainbows to visit his
store.
1893
the
mold
rainbows
called the airplanes that
delivered the toys and
the toy store went out of
business.
1894
a mold rainbow moved into

the empty vacant toy store
and began raising his family.
1895
some of the mold rainbows

were hungry so they
ordered a lot of meatloafs
from the local police
department.
1896
on a hot afternoon in 1971,

a meat cracker and a meat
cracker got into a fight
and their fight had sex with
a hotel which eventually
gave birth to the first mold
rainbow.
1897
every regime began testing

their own meat crackers to
see if they believed in this
theory of mold rainbows.
1898
circles that used to be

straight lines were gathered into metal sheds and
sprayed with non-organic,
anti-mold powders which
immediately killed them.
1899
to
understand
what
happened to the american
political system since the
mold rainbow was first
introduced, youd have to
go back to the year four
and watch all the radical
agrarians try to burn their
non-existent automobiles.
1900
theoretically, every person

consisted of one hundred
million baby adult mold
rainbow eggs.
1901
the sun did not learn to

set today. it was wearing a
warm gray suit. the mold
rainbows tattooed on its
cheeks were plump.
1902
a man in a flannel cowboy

shirt that had soft, crinkled
buttons was yelling at
his daughter because she
would not remove the mold
rainbow that she had picked
up and put in her mouth.
1903
the mold rainbow looked

at his mold rainbow and
realized his mold rainbow
was too old to be a mold
rainbow.
1904
the
vice-presidents
house was created by
three-thousand
satellite
transmissions that were
listed in the national
budget as mold rainbow
defense expenditures.
1905
a furious, burning pelican

heart ached inside my
medium intestine and waited
for the mold rainbow to
send it an invitation to its
annual summer pool party.
1906
the worst example of

someone who wasnt quite
a mold rainbow was also,
usually, the happiest person
in his community.
1907
the mold rainbows beauty

was so large and imperfect
that it was likely that mold
rainbows had never existed.
1908
as everyone with lungs

waited for their lungs to
become mold rainbows,
something else happened
and then something else
happened and then my uncle
convinced all the uncles
to move to the camp next
to the lake called body
camp and they were naked
together and mailed their
clothes to a normal-sized
corn field.
1909
the
local
metaphor
subscribed to a system that
created a bowl of moral
fiber that was only allowed
to eat the brand of flakes
sold by the mold rainbow
honey corporation.
1910
at midnight, one of the

forests burned all the
other forests and the moon
sang a lullaby to the road
as it quietly walked toward
the volcano that had been
constructed by all the
empty, used light bulbs
from the year of the mold
rainbow.
1911
from a distance, all of

earth looked like one big
mold rainbow. from an
even
greater
distance,
the round, spherical mold
rainbow of earth looked
like a wart.
1912
in the bible there was

no mention of the mold
rainbows. some of the men
who wrote the bible were
too embarrassed to mention
them. one of these men had
a pet inch worm.
1913
the powerful mold rainbow

felt like a stack of paper
whose monetary value was
significantly higher than
his material worth.
1914
anyone who had ever lived

in a developing country
sent the mold rainbow a
christmas card every year.
1915
two colleges were sitting

alone in a bathroom, hiding
from the theory of mold
rainbows, drinking from
a random container of
alcohol they found in the
sink,
peeing
wherever,
pretending their mouths
were guitars, trying to
make the invisible girls in
their bodies dance
1916
at one a.m. some gods and

children tried to defeat
all the mold rainbows by
using their bodies to make
a quiet chant, but the
mold rainbows ignored the
children and gods and only
a few clouds died.
1917
the first thing people

usually noticed about mold
rainbows was that they
didnt look like mold and
they rarely tasted like
rainbows.
1918
and when all the mold

rainbows had finished what
they wanted to do they gave
away all their possessions
and
climbed
into
an
invisible ship that sort of
floated, but mostly just
shrunk until all the mold
rainbows were gone and we
were forced to remember
them as small missing
fragments of gold that no
longer were present in our
daily lives.
1919
How To Nourish The Unborn Desires Of

Thought
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
How To Nourish The Unborn Desires Of Thought

This book was written on September 15th 2012. Its about a

party I went to last night.
How To Nourish The Unborn Desires Of Thought
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. forty televisions. cake breath. bimbos.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., 56 bread crackers.
Originally published by the snowflake gods.
ISBN-10: 0615701051
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Two small children
rang my doorbell. 3. I asked them if they had rung my
doorbell. 4. The small children said they didnt know how
to ring doorbells. 5. Ice cream music played down the street.
a doctor talks to an audience of people dressed like housewives.
June 2012
twelve televisions climbed

on top of my heart after it
had gotten fat and these
twelve televisions formed
a triangle. as the triangle
grew i knew i was no longer
allowed to exist inside the
only room where i had ever
lived.
1923
a man and another man were

being men. the man threw
an object to the other man.
the men smiled and slapped
each others man parts.
1924
the babies were not taught

how to be babies. one adult
who was wearing a baby on
his face tried to teach his
face to be more like the
baby his face was wearing.
the face was shaped like an
oil balloon.
1925
an arm attached to a man

who was using his other
arm to hold onto a rope
that was hanging from the
ceiling of a department
store on the moon pointed
at a small insignificant pile
of lint that had somehow
accumulated in one of the
moons crevices.
1926
i created a formula for how

to live forever. it involved
going to a birthday party
every day for the rest of
eternity. at each birthday
party i forced the person
who was celebrating their
birthday to eat a small
accumulation of time from
my body. in this sense, i
stopped accumulating time.
i lived forever or at least
until birthday parties were
un-invented.
1927
the first part of this book

focused on the twelve
televisions i used to wear
when my body was fat.
1928
the whole universe was

built by a triangle that
did not have any eyes. the
triangle spent its entire
existence looking for the
third eyeball that had yet
been allowed to grow from
your forehead. please grow
a triangle in your face.
your forehead deserves the
freedom to be an eyeball.
1929
life used to be an exciting

and sometimes terrifying
phenomenon, depending on
which side of blood wall
you were standing on.
1930
last night, i went to a party.

the party had some people.
everyone was pretending to
be a person. a few people
didnt show up at the party.
they had been shot across
the street from the fast
food restaurant where
everyone always gets shot.
1931
a small boy once had a

dream that his brain was a
worm. he told his mother.
she brought him to a doctor
who had multiple brains
that thought they were
worms. the doctor began
to burn his own head to
remove the worms so he
would be healthy when he
treated the child.
1932
a slug called the local

pizza company and asked
them if they could mail him
a death muffin that would
take forty years to eat and
that would also guarantee
the slugs death after he
swallowed the last bite.
1933
there were a pile of beans

in my hand. i began to
count them. after a few
minutes of counting there
were no more beans in my
hand. i was holding a pile
of caterpillars. i tried to
count the caterpillars, but
they were impossible to
count.
1934
the last part of this book

was supposed to be devoted
to a guy coughing in the
middle of the street during
a parade, but it turned out
that he wasnt coughing
because he was a horse and
horses dont cough.
1935
things that were supposed

to nourish the unborn
desires of being able to
think were not as easy to
push in our brains as the
things that would nourish
the unborn desire to be an
object that can sort of only
breathe when in front of
the television.
1936
i was as drunk as a river

that was completely made
of waterfalls from when
the dinosaurs invented
snow
and
god
first
made snowflakes so the
dinosaurs
could
build
their theoretical igloos
and in this almost pure and
inebriated state of being as
drunk as the cleanest river
in the world, i calculated
how long i would be dead
once i died.
1937
when i was six i was in a road

race against all the other
six-year-old boys in the
world. one of the six-yearolds told me he was going
to one day be the oldest
six-year-old alive. this sixyear-old then took out
a machine gun and shot a
bunch of people before one
of the road race volunteers
stopped him.
1938
a friend of mine was hired

to paint a whale for a nonprofit that was trying to
save the whales by painting
them pink. when my friend
was halfway done painting
the whale an image popped
into his head of the whale
growing long hair that
eventually turned into
a dog that barked a lot
and lived in his neighbors
apartment across the hall.
1939
before there were gods

or snowflakes or even
pink whales, everyone was
at a birthday party and
we all stood around and
didnt quite realize the
significance of the fact
that everyone in the world
at that moment was standing
in the same room.
1940
there was a canoe. it did

not know how to read, do
math problems, or think
abstractly. it could only
float. it enjoyed floating.
every day it floated. the
satisfaction of spending its
entire life floating made
the canoe happy. the canoe
was the happiest person
who had ever existed.
1941

concentrate on the efficient
scheduling methods of
organizing a successful
vacation itinerary, but the
airline that had scheduled
my promotional tour went
bankrupt and burned down
a salsa factory and the
planes emotions werent
stable enough to fly the
plane itself.
1942
the math god drew a picture

on the board of an equation
that had no solution. he
told his students that they
had to spend the rest of
their lives dealing with
this equation. some of the
students spent an inordinate
amount of time trying to
solve the equation that had
no solution and eventually
they went insane. the rest of
the students occasionally
pet the equation, but never
tried to solve it.
1943
after the snowflake gods

taught the dinosaurs to
invent
telephones,
the
dinosaurs got sad that they
werent snowflake gods and
ended up eating snowflakes
until the dinosaurs all got
fat and died.
1944
an angry man realized he was

angry and began to punch
a wall. his hands bled and
crumbled. the angry man
got angrier and angrier. he
did not understand why he
was not able to control his
emotions. he continued to
punch the wall. the angry
continued to exist and
would always exist.
1945
before the postal service

was invented most post
office buildings worked
at convenience stores and
people who didnt have any
money would stand by the
backdoor and wait for the
nacho cheese crumbs to
be emptied into the nacho
cheese crumb bucket next
to the dumpster.
1946
the pink whale told me to

think of a pink whale, but
instead i thought of a pink
television making bathroom
noises while he cooked a
bowl of noodle babies.
1947
a formula was built by a

team of scientists who were
living in an abandoned
forest. the formula was
supposed to nourish all the
unborn desires of thought
left in the world, but the
formula was lost when a
very deranged ant burned
down the abandoned forest.
1948
there was an apparatus

attached to my face. it
sometimes made me sad.
other times it taught me how
to be happy. once, someone
tried to buy this apparatus
from me, but after i asked
the apparatus what i should
do it told me i should not
remove it from my face so
i didnt sell the apparatus
attached to my face.
1949
the yellow sauce smeared

on my rabbit heart juice
did not know how to act in
public so i did not ever get
a chance to wear my rabbit
heart juice shirt with the
yellow sauce stain.
1950
yesterday, i was contemplating whether or not

i was really a human or
whether i was the first hot
dog ever created who had
figured out how to grow a
human brain. i decided i was
a hot dog and in order to
protect myself from eating
myself i pretended i was a
full-bodied human and not
a hot dog.
1951
three waffles tried very

hard to be a dog. every
day they woke up and were
extremely
disappointed
that they were not a dog. a
fourth waffle did not know
what a dog was and instead
celebrated
everything
that happened in his life
and eventually the fourth
waffle turned into a dog.
1952
back when people used to

eat other people, almost
ninety-nine percent of the
people that were eaten
were not edible.
1953
almost two billion people

in the world will never
read this book because they
cant read, but maybe i will
visit them and read them
the book out loud and then
we can both cry together
because i like to cry with
other people who are also
crying.
1954
i squeezed an ice cream

truck and apple juice
leaked out of the ice cream
truck. a dog ran up and
drank the apple juice. the
dog turned into a massive
triangle that told me how
to remove the thoughts
from the man with a chicken bone necklace who was
standing on the roof of my
fathers metal lawnmower
shed.
1955
four hundred televisions

rented a husband and
pressed his face into their
triangles.
1956
babies were attached to

each strand of hair on the
pink whales dog wig. the
babies were sweating oil
balloons.
1957
there was a formula for

how to improve my life
written on my face in the
area where people grow
mustaches, but all the
mirrors in the world had
disappeared and no one i
asked knew how to read
formulas.
1958
the second part of this book

was supposed to be about
the fourteen babies that
my neighbor wore on her
body in the evening as a
nightgown.
1959
i am the champion of giving

myself
trophies
made
from sugar cookies and
my stomach fat gives me
crumb presents whenever
i wake up from a nap after
i accidentally fell asleep
in the sugar cookie aisle
of the grocery store, said
the man who once traded
both his legs for a gasoline
can filled with chocolate
syrup.
1960
all the airplanes that

were supposed to come to
my birthday party made
excuses
about
getting
drunk and burning piles
of fields made from cows
because the babies attached
to their faces only wanted
to eat things that were by
products of milk.
1961
a man at a party said, the

only thing my father liked
to eat was gray meat so we
ate gray meat my whole
childhood.
1962
the people dressed like

bags of cheese legs were
comatose and didnt have
the strength to remove
their wigs so they paid the
man who cleaned their
cheese legs to remove the
wigs.
1963
ive noticed recently that

a lot of birds have wings,
said the bald man inside the
television made from bald
men.
1964
there used to be no reason

why people who were
tired would slowly let
their faces drift towards
the melting zone of the
burning baby canoe forest,
but
science
advanced
and eventually all the
advancements produced a
theory for everything.
1965
the fourth part of this book

was supposed to be about a
guy whose lips were stapled
to his stomach so he would
stop drinking chocolate
syrup from gasoline cans.
1966
a fish climbed on my
shoulders
and
danced
because he told me i had
nice shoulders.
1967
the neighbors downstairs

had a baby, but it wasnt a
big deal because they had
a lot of babies that were
hidden in the walls because
their father was a bread
oven and babies like to eat
bread.
1968
i heard your automobile

got its front tusks cut off
by poachers, said the very
tall man who had weak
arch support in his feet and
would eventually have to
retire from being a very
tall man.
1969
on the roof of some highpitched screams that a

bunch of girls were making
on the playground near
the villages waterfall
perched an eagle with two
and a half milk legs.
1970
a piece of garlic got a phone

call from the president of
a lumpy foam river wolf
flavored jar of applesauce,
but the piece of garlic only
drank rabbit hearts and
was busy transferring its
investments into crossword
puzzles so it ignored
the president and his
applesauce.
1971
i know this guy, said a guy

who knew some guys, but the
guy didnt actually know
the guy he said he knew
which didnt really matter
because it was a pretty good
story and no one got mad.
1972
the
snowflakes
face
swelled up a lot and
every piece of its body was
basically crippled after it
fell over thirty thousand
feet from the cloud where
it had been born.
1973
there was a lawn chair in

the backyard. it had a stain
on its chest. someone had
recently gotten out of
control with a container of
yellow sauce.
1974
a squirrel somehow got

into a department store
and a small child with
a b.b. gun was hired to
hunt the squirrel, but the
squirrel was dressed like
a heterosexual male gym
bag and didnt like to eat
walnuts so the small child
ended up getting fired for
not doing their job.
1975
The Guy With Two Crossbows

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on September 18th 2012. The night

I bought a taco in an envelope because I wanted to be sick
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. how to clean your own crossbows. robes.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., twelve hours of sunlight.
Originally published by a large bowl of plastic smoothies.
ISBN-10: 0615701906
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I sat next to a man
on a train. 3. He showed me pictures of his children. 4. One
of his children was a glass of milk. 5. The other children were
cookies.
a boy eats something red
June 2012
the guy with two crossbows

painted his face so it looked
like a polar bear.
1979
the feathers in the eyes of

the polar bear ran away
to east central mount
klondike high school.
1980
one of the teachers wore

a bag over his head and
taught the students how to
gently massage the noodles
in their mouth.
1981
there was a bomb threat

on the second day of class
and the high school got in
a van and drove to the third
smallest canyon in the
state.
1982
at the bottom of the canyon

a few white police chiefs
had once found gold lava
membranes.
1983
the volcano erupted again

on the polar bears four
hundred and fifty third
birthday.
1984
the people who had lava

canoes sat in their lava
canoes and ate cereal while
they watched the people
who didnt have lava canoes.
1985
the polar bear hid inside

a refrigerator and ate
cheese while he waited to
melt.
1986
the refrigerator never

melted and after the lava
disappeared it got a job at a
coffee shop.
1987
the coffee shop only sold

white coffee and not many
people drank it because it
tasted like milk.
1988
two weeks after it opened,

the coffee shop went
out of business and the
refrigerator remembered
he had a polar bear inside
of it and let the polar bear
out.
1989
the polar bear had finished

eating all the cheese and
was surprised that he wasnt
dead from lava.
1990
there was a tearful goodbye

between the polar bear and
the refrigerator.
1991
the refrigerator got on a

train and rode it north to
california where it hoped
to find a job at a coffee
shop that didnt sell white
coffee.
1992
the polar bear decided

he would dress like a
businessman and tend to
the earth as a responsible
member of the global
ecosystem.
1993
he grew a lot of vegetables,

but most of them were white
except the tomatoes which
were normal looking.
1994
a guy with two crossbows

decided to eat a tomato and
bought one from the polar
bear.
1995
he put one of his crossbows

down on the table while he
ate the tomato.
1996
the tomato cost him one

dollar and forty-eight
cents which was a significant
amount of money because
had not worked in three
years.
1997
his last job had involved

sitting on the roof of a man
who was worried his roof
was in constant danger.
1998
once, the guy with two

crossbows
had
gone
swimming in a pond, but he
realized it was tough to
swim while holding two
crossbows.
1999
it took the guy with two

crossbows a long time to
eat his tomato.
2000
one of his neighbors had

chickens. as the guy with
two crossbows ate the
tomato he watched the
chickens give birth to other
chickens and then those
chickens grew up and gave
birth to more chickens.
2001

went to a fair the previous
fall and watched a guy
dressed in polar bear
feathers try to eat a tomato
in under four hours.
2002
a clock on the wall ticked.

this clock said it had been
almost fourteen years since
began eating his tomato.
2003
there was an unfinished

jigsaw puzzle lying on the
floor next to some cactus
plants.
2004
a pile of eggshells rested

on a simple wooden table
which confused the guy
with two crossbows. he
wondered if the tomato he
was eating had come from
inside the eggshells.
2005
a poster was tacked to the

wall with the face of the
guy with two crossbows.
2006
he had found his second

crossbow in a swamp.
2007
next to a record player

there was a speaker covered
in moss.
2008
a coffee machine lay on its

side in the corner. it was
brewing orange juice.
2009
the man with two crossbows

was wearing a dusty gray
robe that he found lying in
a ditch behind kmart.
2010
the speaker made farm noises and the guy with two
crossbows made farm noises
in response to the speakers
farm noises.
2011
the other crossbow had

been carved by someones
father from the face bone
of a large extinct form of
bird mammal.
2012
the jigsaw puzzle was of a

blind, charcoal fox that
was trying to trade one of
its teeth for a computer
microchip.
2013

continued to eat the tomato
and as he ate it he thought
about when his polar bear
was a baby and the lava
people had come and tried
to eat him.
2014
both pockets of the robe

used to be filled with
sesame seeds.
2015

picked up a piece of the
jigsaw puzzle and raised
it over his head where he
squinted at it with his right
eye.
2016
a mouse now lived in one of

the robes pockets.
2017
the previous night there

had been a breeze and most
of the quails had turned
into logs.
2018
the other pocket of the

robe was still filled with
sesame seeds.
2019
a couple of tree branches

were drunk on the front
yard and had made a mess of
the onion flowers.
2020

fed the mouse a few sesame
seeds each day.
2021
four or five potatoes who

were members of the local
church asked the guy
with two crossbows for a
donation.
2022

removed his robe and
handed it to the potatoes.
2023
an eagle was perched nearby.

one of the potatoes told
to shoot it because potatoes
were afraid of eagles.
2024
a sun was growing, but it

was not fully grown. half
of the tomato had been
eaten. some of it dripped on
the floor.
2025

did not shoot the eagle.
the potatoes got really
scared and stole one of
the crossbows to shoot the
eagle.
2026
the police chiefs put the

guy with two crossbows in
jail after the eagle died.
2027
the potato church moved to

another village that had
less crossbows and fewer
eagles.
2028
six out of seven people

interviewed
said
they
thought the guy with
two crossbows should be
executed.
2029
a judge was rented from

a neighboring town and
decided that the town
should eat the guy with
two crossbows just like he
had eaten the eagle.
2030
as the guy with two

crossbows waited to be
eaten he cried because he
did not want to be eaten
and because he had never
eaten the eagle, but mostly
he cried because he would
never finish eating his
tomato.
2031
The Day I Died And Left America

a book about the day i died and left america
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
a book about the day i died and left america
This book was written on November 1st 2012. Its a berry

twinkle salad crunch pocket wrapped in meat.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. teeth. rib sauce. bert pujols. jelly nuggets.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., eleven yards of polar bear yarn.
Originally published by the greatest father twinkle of yink.
ISBN-10: 0615724345
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I woke up at four
a.m. to do the good busines of this god moment. 3. There
were only three or four shrimps in my brain. 4. The largest
beard on my face was really thirty seven beards. 5. Most of
my clothes were stapled to my armpit.
a bald man with glasses is afraid to look at me
June 2012
i was alberts rib sauce

dealer. he always dressed
like the baby meat gods.
one of them liked to pray
to the same large discount
store that had committed
suicide in the face over
four thousand times. me
and albert smoked some
rib sauce. i fell off mikes
trailer home at two a.m.
2035
the next day my robe was

brown. it had never been
brown before. the sun told
all the wrinkled men to
feed me some boobs until
all the people in my family
didnt have boobs. i watched
a pimple grow on the yellow
wrinkle. it was the whitest
yellow wrinkle ive ever
put in my mouth.
2036
my cousin had too many

grass stains on his nipples.
his wife asked if i wanted
to sew my nipples on their
wedding cake. i only had
one button on my white
tuxedo. it rained. i filled my
pockets with ice. the grass
boys sprouting from the
backside of all the white
men were yelling and a
little drunk. someone hung
my white suit on a branch.
2037
there were some things in

my cold thing. i removed
the things from the cold
thing. the things were cold.
i put them in a hot thing. the
things got warm. when they
got too hot i put them back
in the cold thing.
2038
i would like to tell everyone

about the time i was a white
nibble of corn. the young
boots on my soft mother
were rubbing steaks on the
drip machine. a few white
men were pretending to
be mouth wizards because
their lamps were crippled
and had turned to powder.
the sun was sweating beef
marbles.
2039
the one good lung that i

thought wouldnt get dirty
fell in a bucket of dirty
coughs and i had to clean
it with some shower heat.
while i was in the warm
dripping puddle i thought
about my penis eating food,
but when it was time for my
penis to eat food i couldnt
find my penis because it was
on the moon doing rib sauce.
2040
some of my friends were

thirty-nine
years
old.
their ears were all made
of pee breath. one of them
thought he was eight-yearsold because his brain was a
mosquito tooth.
2041
some men ran around. one

guy watched them all and
told everyone where to run.
a lot of people sat on their
own faces and pretended
to be drunk. one man ran
around so much that his
brother died.
2042
two weeks ago i bought new

shoes. the shoes were made
from bird meat. one of the
shoes didnt fit correctly
because it needed to be
vacuumed. the bottoms of
the shoes smelled like
feathers.
2043
sometimes when i leave the

house i forget to kiss the
plant that lives next to my
alarm clock and when i get
home it is dead so i call the
meat scientist named albert
that originally taught me
how to drink my pain from a
beef chandelier.
2044
i tried to run faster than a

grocery store. it was very
fast. other people were
trying to eat me. i was inside
the grocery store. the
noodles were laughing at
me. their faces were shaped
like tuna cans. once, a piece
of fried jelly laughed at
me, but it laughed so slow
that i thought it was rock.
2045
there was a squirrel in one

of the trees. it was eating
a flower. i tried to draw a
picture of the squirrel. all
my crayons were dirty and
covered in rib sauce.
2046
two overweight girls were

tired of being overweight
so they ate each other until
they turned into one large
pile of milk. everyone in my
neighborhood used to pay
for their milk with nickels,
but one of the nickels
bought an above-ground
swimming pool and invited
all the other nickels to
go swimming even though
everyone
knows
that
nickels dont float.
2047
i found an empty boy inside

a male snowman. i ate the
male snowman. the boy
used a q-tip to clean my
ear while i ate his father.
the snowman lived under
a fourteen-foot turquoise
couch.
2048
there was an advertisement

for a lady who got touched
on the face by another lady
who was trained to touch
peoples faces. my face
used to be friends with
the cotton candy tree, but
the cotton candy tree sold
all its cotton candy to the
mouth wizard that taught
my brown robe how to be
dirty.
2049
a few years ago, all the

people in the world were
white even though most
white people dont like
being white because white
people arent good at
anything except making
creamy tink-tinks.
2050
the ugly mans pony tail got

a degenerative skin disease
at the bus station. he was
smoking a cigarette and
pretending to talk on the
phone to the ice coffee he
was sipping.
2051
a boy passed me in the street.

i smiled at him and held up
one of my arms to show him
my muscles. he was confused
and walked to the side of a
bridge where he could spit.
2052
there was a bread car

looking at me. i took off my
shirt and threw it at the
bread car. it drove into a
tunnel. i picked up my shirt
and put it back on. the bread
car ran out of the tunnel. it
was crying. its breadcrumbs
had been touched in its rape
space.
2053
one of my best friends was

born in the middle of a
street with no name. i was
worried he was embarrassed
and would someday beat me
up because i liked to sweat
a lot.
2054
a hill winked at me. i asked

the hill why it winked
at me. it told me to climb
on him. i climbed on the
man dressed as a hill. he
continued winking. i didnt
know what to do. i tried to
make a trumpet noise, but i
didnt have a trumpet. the
man dressed as a hill let me
touch his trumpet.
2055
a lady once introduced

herself to me at a party. i
ignored her. there were
cupcakes inside bags made
out of pancakes. someone
had glued all these bags to
the wall. i forgot i didnt
have arms. i asked the lady
to rub the cupcakes in my
mouth with her finger.
2056
my face hurt. it was cold.

i looked for a bees nest
growing on my face. i could
not see any bees growing
in my face. bees dont like
to build nests in the cold
soil of my face because i
will sell them to the mouth
wizard that builds pimples
on my tink-tinks.
2057
a man sat at a table and ate

a piece of sugar. before he
put the piece of sugar in
his mouth he held a phone
to his ear. he was calling
his wife. she had planted a
baby in herself. the man was
sad because he did not want
the baby to grow up to be a
sugar man. the man who put
a piece of sugar in himself
did not like planting sugar
in himself.
2058
the only thing i was allowed

to drink was a powdered bag
of dust. for most of my life
i drank this powdered bag
of dust. the drink lord that
was my father did not drink
the same powder i drank.
he was friends will all the
rain clouds. his teeth were
always getting wet.
2059
two boys were arguing over

a piece of ham. one of the
boys took out his laptop and
pretended he was a liquid
cream donut. the other boy
began to pee on the donut.
the two boys laughed.
the liquid cream donut
crawled inside the laptop
and waited for the laptop to
grow wings so it could fly
to the party inside alberts
rib sauce.
2060
there were a lot of emails

in my rib sauce. i tried to
put all the rib sauce in my
left nostril. i could not
breathe. the emails were
sweating too much.
2061
the person who controlled

my breathing was yelling at
a puppy, but the puppy was
too stupid not to stop peeing
on my breathing machine
which made it difficult to
breathe so i spent the rest
of my summer vacation being
anxious about whether
i would remember how
to breathe when school
started up again. it was okay
because i was pretty sure
my rib sauce was in all the
grass boys and they were
very popular in the meat
demographic.
2062
all the puppies in the world

had two faces. one of their
faces was on their face.
their other face was on
their poops.
2063
the non-floating nickels

in my neighbors yellow
hamster cookie machine
went insane last night and
tried to shoot my house on
fire but their bubbles were
not sure if we should all
be bubbles and they could
not teach me how to make
bubble noises.
2064
i tried to go up to the
second floor of the rib
sauce, but the stairs were
greased with the non-sauce
byproducts and my pants got
a degenerative skin disease.
i mailed them to a doctor.
he sent me an email on my
birthday that recommended
that i buy a small goat and
feed it to my fathers lawn.
2065
deep in my robe i could

hear my heartbeat get weak
and turn into the soft noise
a muffin creates when it
doesnt have any horses
left in its own race.
2066
my chest had a slight

twinge on its yummy muscle.
it could not make love.
2067
at the party inside alberts

rib sauce baby, i heard that
a guy spent the whole party
kneeling on the floor next
to a paint can that people
had sipped on at the last
party.
2068
i havent worn armpit juice

in over a year. i dont like
when my nipples smell like
mint spices. once, my mouth
tried to eat my own rib
sauce because it smelled
like a mustard puddle that
had been peed on by a dead
dog or something.
2069
i am going to dress like

a
raincoat,
said
the
byproducts of a twinkle
that was in a relationship
with my anxiety while it
lived off the chewing
muscle on my yummy muscle.
2070
on friday, i called in sick

to work. i could not feel
my nose. i had snorted onehundred packets of salt
the night before because i
found one-hundred packets
of salt on the counter
of the fish shack where i
drank diet coke alone on
thursday night which was
okay because i liked to
dance alone on thursday
night.
2071
big people used to dress like

the people in my armpits
that didnt know how to
chew their own food.
2072
instead of going to work, i

made rib juice. i had never
made rib juice before. some
white people were in my
kitchen. it was tough to
make rib juice with so many
white people in my kitchen.
the rib juice tasted like
a bunch of white people
pretending not to be white
people.
2073
the palm leaf in my brain

was worried that it was just
a palm leaf and not a thing
that could make babies.
2074
all the people talking

near my face were making
my brain melt because
everyone was trying to
convince me that i was not
the greatest lava candle
ever and i would never
have the ability to melt all
the fast food restaurants in
the world.
2075
after i ate the bread juice

there were loud chewing
noises in my head and i was
surprised that everyone
else in the world couldnt
hear me make these chewing
noises, but when i called
people and asked if they
had just heard me chewing
they said they had not just
heard me chewing.
2076
all the bread made me pee

so i went pee after i ate
bread and while i was peeing
i thought how useless my
penis was because it could
not eat bread. men with
penises that cant eat bread
are probably the most
worthless humans alive.
2077
it was a calm afternoon.

most of the automobiles
in my village had stopped
working. a few people
drove their cell phones to
work.
2078
i had just bought a new

transistor radio. one of
the knobs fell off. all the
transistors had turned into
a wet paste that smelled
like blue marmalade.
2079
my uncle was in the woods.

a tree fell on him. he had
once taught me to blow
my nose. before i learned
i often rubbed my face in
dirt.
2080
i went for a long walk in

a beautiful section of the
village that had once been
abandoned by a subspecies
of fish that were white,
blind, could float, and
breathed oxygen because
this subspecies of fish each
had one good human lung.
2081
some of my aunts and

cousins were camping out in
my grandfathers backyard.
none of them had ever seen
a green star. everyone was
lying on their backs waiting
for the sun to set.
2082
psychologists were prescribing medication that

simulated the emotional
significance of watching a
sun god burn its children.
one of my rib juices overdosed on this medication.
scientific theories were
discovered. science stopped
being as good as it used to
be when it used to be good
at what it used to do.
2083
in 1932, after i had almost

mothered three billion
children, my father taught
me how to eat a roof lizard.
i used to like it when bread
victims would visit us on the
holiday and scratch my face
with their wounds. or when
all the males in my family
dressed like albert once a
year on the anniversary of
albert losing the first hair
from his brain.
2084
six years ago i taped a

microphone and a telephone
to my head and taught my
drink muscle how to sing.
all the black-haired white
people in my neighborhood
tried to sew me on their
own drink muscle. thirty
percent of babies dont know
how to breathe correctly
because their drink muscle
is made of rib sauce.
2085
everyone was sad because

i named everyone after a
grain of dust that had died
in the great depression. the
last winter snowflake was
in a movie about war babies.
my teeth were my best
friend before i learned
how to drink rib sauce. all
of the people in the yummy
muscle were not people.
they were muffin crowns.
some of them taught each
individual hair on my body
how to grow fingers.
2086
on the weekends, all my

shirts slept in a pile of
nickels that were floating
in rib sauce. i had to walk
to the bread store without
a shirt. one of the cashiers
accidentally gave me a
shirt discount even though
i wasnt wearing a shirt.
2087
The Artificial Growth Inside My

Childhood That Tried To Smile
a book about the artificial growth that learned to smile
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Artificial Growth Inside My Childhood That Tried To

Smile
a book about the artificial growth inside my childhood that tried to smile
This book was written on November 1st 2012. Its an allweather popsicle.
The Artificial Growth Inside My Childhood
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. yummy spots. wrinkle-dots, pea-pods.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., and a billion people calling to apologize
Originally published by the thing attached to my face.
ISBN-10: 0615724922
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Last night, I raced
some cars down the street. 3. One of the cars was a baby. 4. It
had no curtains on its face. 5. I just shivered.
i am eating an apple
June 2012
eighteen leaf munchies

were beeping inside the
leaf cloud.
2091
i attached a flickering
brain to the magic twinkle
of my feather button.
2092
yesterday, i sat on the toilet

with all my flukies.
2093
most of the dog flutes got

their faces tattooed.
2094
some of the circular oceans

were stained and could not
float while i drank with my
wrinkle-hole.
2095
grimple was the name

of the grimple-shape that
i thought about when i
closed my eyes.
2096
all the people on the

basketball
court
were
touching each other.
2097
a pete leaf used to be a

leaf that was named pete.
2098
an old naked man was

confused and tried to climb
a tree.
2099
the small boys were too

small and everyone thought
their wrinkle-holes were
pimples.
2100
something was standing

on the top of the tree and
touching the penis that was
glued on the trees face.
2101
my leaf mother was dressed

like a regular mother.
2102
the smallest twinkle was

named trom which was
short for dingle-tromtrom-trom-trom.
2103
i gave my mouth a present

and my face wore it the same
way a baby likes to wear its
stink bubbles.
2104
in the beginning of this

book i was slightly worried
my leaf munchies were
beeping too much.
2105
over on the other side of

the wrinkle-hole there was
a non-wrinkled seedling.
2106
my jingle father yawned

because his jingles were
bored.
2107
someone tried to grow four

beards and a drum machine
on their dong.
2108
my credit cards
getting soft.
2109
were
i rubbed cement
wrinkled canoe.
2110
on
the non-wrinkled parts

of my wrinkle-hole were
glowing.
2111
the thing on my face that

had never smiled before
decided to smile.
2112
no one taught my leaf tits

how to make a good noise
with its smile muscles.
2113
the inside of a unique noise

can make all the pieces of
the wrinkle-hole glow.
2114
there were four or five

yellow dots in my wrinklehole.
2115
the doctor was worried

that my wrinkle-hole was
too yellow.
2116
the color yellow was a

professional
basketball
player once and he liked to
drink cherries.
2117
after my face decided it

wasnt my face i learned to
make smile noises with the
wrinkle-hole.
2118
my face signed up for a

pleasure tunnel.
2119
all the pleasure tunnels in

the world came from the
same airplane built on the
tears from other grown
men crying.
2120
there was a dinky trying to

wobble in my high school
but dinkies werent allowed
to wobble in high school.
2121
the dinky had no friends

and his yearbook quote said,
my advice to everyone is
that im going to shoot you
all and dont eat french
fries.
2122
there were thousands of

billions of unhappy people in the world, but then
i made twinkle movements
with the tooth growing on
my beard and everyone in
the world was happy for
three or four miniature
nuggets of bliss.
2123
the last white man who

touched one of crinkles of
happiness had to peel off
his skin.
2124
white men dont clean their

crinkles enough and their
smiles forget how to smile.
2125
the basketball shoes that i

bought as a gift to myself
were unemployed.
2126
the government told all the

poor people in the world
they werent allowed to be
poor so a donut store hired
them all and made them
rich.
2127
on the day my basketball

shoes got rich, someone
tried to eat them because
they thought i was a donut.
2128
yesterday, the only son of

my leaf daddy ate forty-five
cupcakes while also eating
forty-five non-cupcakes.
2129
once, this guy yelled at

every truck and bird in the
united states of america
and a few hours later he
replanted some dead leaves
in a tree that had no leaves.
2130
the two little doors where

i was born will someday not
exist.
2131
a video screen was glued to

my face and two holes were
drilled into its surface.
2132
the big faces at the end

of my fingers reminisced
about the day their legs
all turned into a thousand
windows on a tiny red
balloon that had already
started to float away.
2133
there was a closet in the

back of my head where
the thoughts i didnt want
to look at lived and were
dragged behind me for the
rest of my life.
2134
the arm attached to the

smallest limb of my brain
was crippled.
2135
one of my wrinkle-holes
was bored and forgot my
body didnt have eight
billion metaphysical arms.
2136
three or four of my least

favorite
memories
had
reserved space in the front
of my thought spectrum.
2137
only eight percent of a persons intellectual curiosity

was utilized during humanitys lifetime.
2138
the parts of my body that

would one day become an
old man were not afraid of
the old man.
2139
the four beards growing

on my dong tried to feed
my body parts to a group of
wrinkle-holes.
2140
i was invested in forever

preserving
my
mouth
whiskers.
2141
three billion thousand

vacuums were collected,
sealed, and stored inside a
larger vacuum.
2142
i heard someone was living

on the floor of the stomach
that once lived beneath my
dads eyeball.
2143
The Last Eleven Presidents Of The United

States
a book about the last eleven presidents of the united states
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Last Eleven Presidents Of The United States

a book about the last eleven presidents of the united states
This book was written on November 3rd 2012. Its a

mosquito leaf.
The Last Eleven Presidents Of The United States
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. how to pee on a yarn crown. flea tunnels]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., fourteen degrees of easter.
Originally published by the g.i. joes.
ISBN-10: 0615725317
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I had a dream I was
reading a book on television. 3. The book was made of ants.
4. There were no ants left in the world. 5. The book was not
real.
i am eating an apple again
June 2012
a bird landed on the right

lens of my glasses while i
was trying to fly a plan and
i crashed the plane. the bird
that landed on the right
lens of my glasses died.
2147
the new space i rented

for my thoughts was not a
luxury studio as advertised,
but was instead a baby casino
that had been reduced
to a horizontal shape of
lopsided puddles.
2148
the eleven-year-old artificial growth on the side

of my face forgot how to
make people. he was not as
sophisticated as the older growths on my face. the
majority of the artificial
growths in the world were
created from many different kinds of emotions that
lived at the back of my
pleasure tunnel.
2149
most of my body lived in an

area of the human existence
that was no longer legally
allowed to exist inside the
human body.
2150
i rode the bus home from my

boyfriends house. he lived
in a motel owned by his
mother. one of the rooms
was filled with owls.
2151
one of the first presidents

i ever met didnt have
any hair on his teeth. the
knuckles on his left hand
were squishy.
2152
there were eleven people

in the restaurant. some of
them were dressed like a
white man who had just
stuffed
thirty
chicken
nuggets in his toilet hole.
2153
the oldest bus driver in our

village had been driving
busses since he was as old as
a nickel. his father taught
him how to drive a bus by
shooting the family dog on
the day before the eve of
the first christmas.
2154
i went to a casino last night

and lost four dollars. it
made me so depressed that
i slept in a cave. three years
later i had a dream about
that cave, but in the dream
the cave was not a cave.
2155
i was wearing a blue shirt.

there were a lot of nacho
stains on the front of the
shirt. i tried to get a refund
from the nacho bank. the
bottle of ranch dressing
in charge of all bank
transfers did not give me a
refund.
2156
once, i tied a hockey skate

to the side of my head and
i tried to play professional
hockey, but people kept
trying to knock the hockey
skate off my face with their
hockey sticks.
2157
i woke up yesterday and

thought, i havent slept
in twenty or thirty years.
then i went back to sleep.
2158
the guy standing in an

empty room said, do you
ever have that feeling that
youre not a quite a person
and that one day your brain
will crawl out of your head
and float away on its own
individual spaceship?
2159
there was a man sitting on a

park bench. he was trying to
read a book, but his mouth
felt nauseous and he kept
looking at his cell phone.
a bird landed on a nearby
lamp post. three men in gray
suits were feeding a yellow
shape in the pond. the man
sitting on the bench vomited
on the inside of his book.
2160
my roommates girlfriend
died last week because she
touched a cigarette. she
left a bunch of her stuff
in the bathroom. i flushed
most of it down the toilet.
2161
there was a hockey game on

television. i tried to stand
on top of the television
while i watched the game,
but i fell off the television
and my apartment flooded
while i was unconscious
and
three
ambulances
had to be called before i
remembered that i didnt
own a television.
2162
the first neighbor that

ever lived in a house liked
to play guitar at three a.m.
after he came home from
his job at the bread factory.
2163
a ninety-six-year-old man
asked if i wanted to have a
pleasant conversation with
him about our mothers, but
my eyeball hurt because
there were too many
chocolate-covered raisins
in it from when i traded my
computer for an eyeball
full of chocolate-covered
raisins.
2164
two teenage boys were

having sex with each other
on the sidewalk. one of the
teenage boys had a cell
phone in his mouth and was
talking to his mom while
he had sex with the other
teenage boy. people kept
throwing uncooked grains
of rice at the boys.
2165
a woman who cleaned

houses all day got on the
bus. she was holding a red
plastic bag. the bag meowed.
there was a cat in the bag.
she took the cat out and let
everyone on the bus touch
it.
2166
there
was
a
nuclear
reactor near my aunts
house. she went on a date
with him once. they went
to a restaurant. there were
squids in a fish tank.
2167
the two people behind me in

line at the nacho bank had
spent all their money on
pancakes.
2168
some
underprivileged
white children asked me if
i would teach them how to
skate. i tied a tree branch
on my foot and pointed at a
glass of milk.
2169
the ninety-six-year-old man

stood up and said, does
anyone want to have sex
with a ninety-six-year-old
man tonight?
2170
my dad called me. he was

sad. his favorite shirt had
not been nominated for any
prestigious awards.
2171
i asked a woman with a new

haircut if she would feed
me nachos, but she said, the
nacho bank prohibits me
from feeding people nachos
until my haircut isnt new
anymore.
2172
after my ex-boyfriend gave

birth to our first son, i ran
away from home and tried
to play professional hockey
for the team that wore
yellow and green shirts,
but they were friends with
my ex-boyfriend and when i
got naked they burned all
my clothes so i would be
naked the rest of my life.
2173
i tried to count all the

people in the world, but
stopped when i realized
there were over sixhundred people in the
world.
2174
there was a man fishing

at the edge of my bowl of
cereal last weekend.
2175
i like it when my teeth

swell and i have to press a
button on the inside of my
body for them to deflate.
2176
one of the last presidents

of the united states of
america was playing video
games instead of doing his
homework. in the video
game there was a digital
flower that the president
had to eat. when he ate
it the video game made a
loud beep and everyone in
america cried three tears.
2177
all the moms in the world

went to the same dance club
because there were free
breaded chicken breasts
for anyone who could raise
their hands over their head
and clap while dancing.
2178
i tried to take keyboard

lessons during a lightning
storm, but the smoke
machine in my butt wouldnt
let me sit down.
2179
a shirtless man with a thick

brown mustache and white
pants said he wanted to be
first shirtless man to get
elected president.
2180
my ex-boyfriend went to
a music performance and
fell in love with the object
onstage that didnt have a
mouth, but kept trying to
sing with its tambourine.
2181
on saturday i went to the

mall and tried to get my
ears pierced with eagle
feathers, but my sister was
working at the toothbrush
store which was next to the
eagle feather store and she
called my father who told
the police to shoot me if
they saw me wearing eagle
feathers in my ears.
2182
things were backed up on

the highway because a guy
wearing nothing except a
pair of white sunglasses
was blocking all the lanes
of traffic with his dance
moves and his invisible boom
box.
2183
if you like to wear pink

scarves when you make
snowmen and every piece
of gum youve ever chewed
is in a photo album that you
keep under your pillow at
night then all your dreams
will probably one day come
true.
2184
i was going to wash some

dirty dishes that i forgot
i had once glued to the
ceiling, but instead i sat
on the couch and waited
for my beard to get so out
of control that it ripped
the sleeves off my favorite
shirt and then painted my
arms the color of an outof-control beard.
2185
my grandfather thought
he was an immigrant so he
taped a box of noodles to
his face and then called
the police and said he hurt
himself.
2186
i was going to wear a

white suit to my own
birthday party, but then i
remembered the last time
i wore a white suit i ended
up kissing myself until the
police found me dead and
naked in the ditch behind a
gasoline warehouse.
2187
there was a green color

and then a blue color and
then a black color before
an object threw me in a
pool on my third birthday
and said i wasnt allowed to
come home until i learned
to swim.
2188
the president who was

responsible for feeding the
dolphins forgot to feed the
dolphins, but the dolphins
didnt die because dolphins
already know how to cook
themselves dinner.
2189
the guy who drove me

to the airport was not
wearing pants. he told me
not to wear pants either.
i threw my pants out the
window. the airplane was
disappointed and told me
to paint the hair on my legs
purple.
2190
my
ex-boyfriend
was
wearing a child on his head
while he tried to hitchhike.
he painted the child the
color of an adult beard.
the woman who worked at
the store that taught men
to be naked in the middle
of highways stopped and
picked up my ex-boyfriend.
2191
on the day before winter,

someone bombed the pond
of whales because they
were afraid the whales
would all die when the
pond froze.
2192
this morning i woke up and

i found a bunch of naked
people in my refrigerator. i
carried them to the ocean.
we sat on the beach and
played checkers.
2193
the man punching the inside

of my fathers automobile
was put in jail. the inside
of my fathers automobile
tried to jump off the roof
of the hospital, but a really
cheesy song began playing
and the inside of my fathers
automobile got emotional
and cried.
2194
a shirtless man picked me up

and threw me on the other
side of the yard. people
were yelling and throwing
dollar bills at me. the
shirtless man ran over and
began to punch me in the
face. i tried to pretend i was
a mosquito made of eagle
feathers, but my face kept
bleeding human blood.
2195
i realized i was a trash bag

so i decided to run until
my trash bag wasnt as fat
as normal trash bags, but
the police caught me and
burned me because all trash
bags are dirty and deserve
to get burned by the police.
2196
there were thirty or forty

thousand eagles all sitting
in the same building. they
were waiting for the large
eagle baby to grab the giant
native american cowboy
and eat his testicles so the
clouds would rain alcohol
and everyone could do a
touchdown dance.
2197
i was sad so i pressed my head

very close to someones
lips and waited for them to
kiss me, but when the lips
kissed the top of my head i
was still sad because they
were my moms lips and the
government paid her to kiss
my head when it was sad.
2198
for some reason, i felt

retarded. everyone in my
neighborhood was wearing
the same shirt except me.
i also couldnt find my
eyeballs. i had left them in
a taxicab. then there was a
blizzard and the taxicab
was burned when all the
piles of snow were burned.
2199
The Bad Man Who Was Not Good At Math

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on November 4th 2012.

38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. how to bad men do math]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., 53 thoughts.
Originally published by a small brain in my head.
ISBN-10: 0615725694
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. My coach wanted
to teach me to read. 3. I picked up a bookshelf and threw it
at him. 4. The coach kicked me off the team. 5. I went to
the carnival.
a chicken goes to a dance club
June 2012
two bad men urinated on a

hole in the desert.
2203
a giant crow wearing a

white beard ate the two bad
men.
2204
the hole in the desert gave

birth to a worm.
2205
the worm killed a desert

mouse.
2206
everyone thought the worm

was human because he was
dressed up like a desert
mouse.
2207
the worm left the desert

and got a job at a bank.
2208
some of the money in the

bank melted because the
economy didnt believe in
cheese.
2209
the worm ate cheese for

three years and then ate
everyone else in the bank
before moving to the city.
2210
everyone in the city was

scared of the new bad man
who dressed like a desert
mouse.
2211
bad men used to wear

buttons, but the new bad
man only wore a giant white
beard that he stole from
the floating thing that
killed his dads.
2212
the giant white beard got

naked and made all the
other bad men get naked.
2213
there was a building and it

had a penis on its roof.
2214
everyone
touched
roofs penis.
2215
the
once, when the white beard

was eating breakfast, a bird
landed on his shoulder and
turned into a small mouse.
2216
the bad man still wore the

desert mouses shirt every
day.
2217
the worm was not a worm

anymore and didnt need to
pretend to be a worm.
2218
the white beard was painting

red dots on everyones face.
2219
the last time i saw a red dot

on my face, i was a threeyear-old mouse and my arm
was a balloon.
2220
there wouldnt be enough

helium in the world if
everyones arm was a
balloon.
2221
then one day all the red

dots disappeared because
the white dot got tired of
red dots and ate them all.
2222
people started
bird colors.
2223
wearing
the white dot liked bird

colors.
2224
everyone thought they

could float because of
their bird colors.
2225
only earth could float

and everyone continued
to hug the earth so they
would feel like they were
floating.
2226
the white dot thought the

idea that everyone once
believed in science was
insane.
2227
there were giant burning

masses of energy floating
throughout the universe
and science told us that
it was okay to pretend we
understood the motivation
of these giant burning
masses even though it was
impossible to understand
the motivation behind a
giant burning mass.
2228
when the bad man got home

from work last night he
cooked his science computer
in the oven and ate it.
2229
there
were
literally
thousands and thousands
of things to do, but only
two or three of them were
worth doing.
2230
the bad man was tired of

being a bad man.
2231
the white dot told the bad

man to eat all the ice cream
and when he was done he
would not be a bad man.
2232
an ice cream cone said, all

i want to do with my life is
have a picnic with my dead
fathers.
2233
there were thirty or forty

people at the picnic.
2234
everyone thought there

would be free ice cream
cones at the picnic for all
the ice cream cones dead
fathers.
2235
a barrel of burning dead

fathers was thrown at the
sun.
2236
the sun continued to burn

because it was invincible
against barrels of burning
dead fathers.
2237
one of the motorcycles

on the sun ate some of the
burning barrel of dead
fathers.
2238
four people at the party

got a text messages that
said, im in a house full of
lollipops.
2239
everyone went looking for

the house full of lollipops.
2240
there was a tanning salon

on fire and people were
worried that all the
lollipops were burning
inside the burning tanning
salon.
2241
one of the burning lollipops

wrote a book about how its
impossible for lollipops to
burn.
2242
the ice cream cone man was

not sure if he should wear a
shirt, but his mother called
and said, i hope my son still
likes wearing shirts.
2243
the ice cream cone man

didnt even know he had a
mother.
2244
someone fed the ice cream

cones mother through
a peephole because she
was an inmate at a mental
institution.
2245
there were only four

million peepholes in the
world.
2246
not everyone who needed to

be fed through a peephole
could be fed through a
peephole.
2247
the ice cream cone began

campaigning for president
because he believed that
humans needed more access
to peepholes.
2248
the two men who had once

peed on a hole fell out of
an airplane.
2249
humans were once born

with an innate ability to
tremble when they were
trying to float.
2250
the white beard threw his

white dots at the two men
who couldnt float.
2251
one of the white dots

learned how to be a
parachute in college.
2252
the two men fought over

the parachute and the
parachute broke.
2253
one of the men fell on an ice

cream cone and the other
man fell in a deep hole that
had never been peed on.
2254
the ice cream cone was sad

because he would never be
president and there would
always be a need for more
peepholes.
2255
When My Butt Dried After I Got Pee On It

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on November 28th 2012. Its a garbage

man.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. poop. butts. jail. ]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., three billion driblets of urine.
Originally published by all the urine ive ever made.
ISBN-10: 0615736416
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Last night it was
cold. 3. I wore five blankets. 4. Everytime I woke up my
mouth was empty and dry. 5. The internet broke while I was
sleeping.
photographs of everything ive ever written vol. I
June 2012
someone pooped on
windshield of my car.
2259
the
i had to go to jail because i

never cleaned the poop off
my windshield.
2260
in jail, someone peed on my

butt every night.
2261
everyone said i smelled like

a moist bread hat.
2262
my boyfriend had my baby

and said he didnt want the
baby to know about the poop
on the windshield.
2263
i only ate freedom beans

because everything else in
jail reminded me of my lack
of freedom.
2264
sometimes the pee on my

butt would steal the
freedom beans and i would
make loud noises while
the pee on my butt ate the
freedom beans.
2265
we got to shower on
saturdays, but most of us
didnt shower because we
liked our dirt.
2266
after about sixteen years in

jail, i realized i was not in
jail anymore and i could eat
freedom beans whenever i
wanted.
2267
i was going to get a tattoo

on my face, but the freedom
beans told me not to so i got
a thousand tattoos on my
penis.
2268
after i got a thousand

tattoos, my penis hurt
because it had not been
touched in a long time.
2269
once, before my penis

hurt, i tried to eat a honey
bee and it made my tummy
swollen for a few hours
and i thought i was going to
die, but someone peed on my
butt so i never died.
2270
i tried to find the guy who

pooped on my windshield
but i didnt have a car
anymore.
2271
the guy who lived across

the street had a car, but
when i tried to borrow it
from him i accidentally
pooped on the windshield.
2272
i was afraid i was going to be

sent back to jail so i signed
up for kindergarten.
2273
i was the oldest person in

my kindergarten class.
2274
on my birthday, everyone
was a baby and there were
five hundred cakes in my
bathroom because i realized
i was an adult and could do
whatever i wanted.
2275
the police tried to shoot

me, but they got cake in
their guns and a baby got
shot.
2276
everyone was screaming for

the baby so i decided to go
to medical school and save
the baby.
2277
medical school was easier

than kindergarten because
it was online and i only had
to click some buttons.
2278
life was pretty boring and

some people invited me
to a movie, but i didnt go
because my emotions hurt
too much and i had to feed
candy to the tattoos on my
penis.
2279
on the last day of earth

there were so many poops
on everyones windshield.
2280
some of the people laughed

at all the poops, but they got
eaten by the poops because
the poops didnt appreciate
everyone laughing at their
situation.
2281
one poop tried to kill my

entire family so i rented a
helicopter and flew it into
the side of a bus filled with
poop.
2282
there were a lot of large

explosions in everyones
poop.
2283
a religious man was crying

because his poops were
eating the face of god and
the religious man was too
afraid to eat from the face
of god.
2284
three or four people

huddled around a television
and watched as a man inside
the television described
the end of the world as the
day of the poop zombies.
2285
i was pretty upset because

everyone only wanted to
talk about poop, but before
the poop zombie apocalypse
when i talked about poop
everyone said i talked
about poop too much. the
reality is that there is too
much poop in the world and
soon we are going to have
to eat it all unless we turn
into honey bees and our pee
tastes like honey.
2286
my sister got eaten by the

poop in her hair after her
husbands poop climbed
in her hair while she was
sleeping.
2287
there was some poop hiding

in a squirrel that tried to
eat my popcorn while i was
at the movies, but i made a
hat out of bread for the
squirrel and he did not
ever poop again.
2288
scientists tried to build

a hole in the side of the
universe where all the poop
could live, but the hole
in the side of the universe
was not very big and one of
the poops drowned in the
hole so all the other poops
killed the scientists.
2289
i called my dad and asked

how he was doing, but he
had a lot of cotton balls
in his mouth because he
was afraid if his mouth
was empty that poop would
climb inside of it.
2290
one of the children who

wore bird feathers in my
neighborhood dressed as
poop for halloween.
2291
a minivan was having sex in

an above-ground swimming
pool while its poop tried to
staple a mother and a father
to a baby that was floating
in a hot air balloon.
2292
the
football
season
was
cancelled.
the
quarterbacks poop was
green. he thought it was
dinosaur. he put it in his
mouth. the coach made
invisible yelling noises
while he ate the vomit in his
assistant coachs butt.
2293
i was trying to hide in a

cardboard box that was
made out of poop lips.
2294
even though, the world

had ended my psychiatrist
encouraged me to stop
talking about poop so much.
2295
i tried to mow the lawn.

i did not want to think
about poop ever again. the
lawnmower was broken.
the poops had eaten all the
gasoline. i tried to eat the
lawn with my poop mouth.
2296
on sunday, people still

went to church. it had
been replaced by the only
windshield in the world
that no one had pooped on.
all the poops tried to poop
on it. god didnt have a face,
but he had an invisible penis
that killed all the poops
that tried to poop on the
windshield that had never
been pooped on.
2297
there was a rich boy who

lived on a boat made of poop
and his sunglasses were
also made of poop.
2298
last night, i went to a

bowling alley inside a
small rectangular poop.
2299
my hair likes to wear fur

coats because i once owned
a dog and the dog drank
so much champagne that it
thought it was a squirrel so
i had to feed it cat food.
2300
i was in an airplane and i

didnt have any shoes. there
were a lot of fish tanks in
the airplane. i wore the fish
tanks as shoes.
2301
on the day after the world

ended all the poops that
killed everyone turned
into teacups.
2302
no one wanted to drink from

the teacups. some people
tried to sell the teacups on
the internet. no one wanted
teacups.
everyone
had
too many teacups because
everyone still pooped, but
the poop was a teacup.
2303
a horse was pooping teacups

in the mouth of a horse that
liked to eat teacups.
2304
i began to collect teacups

and was so happy that i
almost forgot the world
had ended.
2305
the helicopter that was

supposed to bring me to
the new earth had a heart
attack and died.
2306
i shaved my head and tried

to glue my hair on some
teacups.
2307
there were so many things

that i wanted to talk about,
but i couldnt because the
pee on my butt never dried.
2308
its crazy to think that the

world ended and everyone
now lives on a new earth
because someone once paid
me a nickel to poop on a
windshield.
2309
sometimes when i feel sad

i call the god who had his
face eaten off by poop and
i ask him what it feels like
to get your face eaten off
by poop.
2310
even though all the poop

got turned into teacups i
still sometimes see a car
moving slowly down my
street and for a second i
think its full of poop and
that the new world is going
to end soon, but the car
is never filled with poop
because poop cant drive.
2311
I Thought My Butt Was Dry But It Wasnt

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on December 1st 2012. It does not

know how to count its own fingers because books dont have
fingers.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. heat etiquette, arm goggles, lip swans]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., the size of a baby with no teeth.
Originally published by my fathers dentist.
ISBN-10: 0615738028
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. It was nose-dripping
cold last night. 3. I woke up in a place I had slept. 4. There
was a snowflake waiting outside my window.5. I asked it
how it learned to be a snowflake.
the pink thing that was afraid of snow
June 2012
a thing that was

important got wet.
2315
very
i was worried it would

always be wet.
2316
things happened and then i

wasnt worried.
2317
the thing that was important

stopped being important.
2318
i grew until i was almost

eight feet tall.
2319
most of my body was not

very good at being tall.
2320
i had to chop off my hand

because my house was a drug
dealer.
2321
a policeman tried to shoot

me because i only had one
hand.
2322
i rented a new shirt and

hid inside a three-foot-tall
baby.
2323
the
policemans
sister
started dating the threefoot-tall baby.
2324
sometimes i pretended i
could hug my face with my
penis.
2325
i looked at my wet spots a

lot to see if they were still
wet.
2326
a snowstorm visited my
town and tried to start a
band with my mom.
2327
the snowman my mom dated

had onion breath and ate
all my favorite blueberries.
2328
i bought a drum from a man

who tried to sell his baby
to a lifeguard.
2329
the ocean was tired of not

being a tree.
2330
my nipples only liked to eat

grapes, but the grapes were
orange and wore jeans.
2331
my beard had butt sprouts

and the butt sprouts were
dancing in my neighbors
lawn sprinkler.
2332
there were cranberries

growing inside my text
messages because all my
text messages were wet
from being close to my butt.
2333
i found a new important

thing that liked to touch
my brain more than all the
other thoughts in my brain.
2334
my head was almost sixteen

feet wide.
2335
i touched something that

was important and it told
me not to touch it because
it wasnt important.
2336
the man across the street

cut his chainsaw in half
with a butter knife.
2337
an object that lived inside a

different object invited me
to live inside of it while it
lived inside something else.
2338
everything that i thought

i wanted to accomplish
seemed impossible because
of my wet spots.
2339
i began to ask people how

they arrived in a spot where
they wre comfortable,
but no one seemed to
understand how to be
comfortable or where this
place was located.
2340
an entire football team

standing naked in the field
that was next to the field
where they wore helmets
and grunted.
2341
i tried to dress like a naked

football player for a job
interview.
2342
there was a grass stain in

my mouth from eating too
many grass stains.
2343
a crossbow knocked on my
door and asked if i wanted
to accept his meat cookies
as my personal savior.
2344
i signed up for a group of

instructions and i thought
they would help me but
after i followed the
instructions my wet spots
were still wet.
2345
a government official put

me in a room with three or
four other men who were
also worried about their
wet spots.
2346
i tried to pretend my wet

spots had never been wet by
hiding them inside my head
with all the areas of my
brain that were afraid to
get wet.
2347
there was a sense of

utter failure among all
the people who had once
thought they were immune
to failure.
2348
i climbed on top of the

peacock tree that had
grown from my forehead
and i told it to continue
growing until i was a cloud.
2349
it was very comforting to

be a cloud because clouds
have wet spots, but they
arent embarrassed by them
and when they are tired of
their wet spots they give
them to someone else.
2350
the wet spot that had

originally
been
wet
touched me on the lips and i
decided to get married.
2351
i got married to everyone

that was living inside of
a bus that had learned to
float because if the bus
hadnt learned to float
then the river where it
lived would have ate it.
2352
the bus was not very large,

but there was enough space
for everyone to plant their
crops and to raise a few
cattle.
2353
on the first night i was

married i ate a steak that
had been marinating inside
the buss gas tank for thirty
years.
2354
my husbands and wives liked

to touch my wet spots and i
began to feel happy about
them.
2355
one of my wet spots got

pregnant and gave birth
to three peanut butter
crackers which i ate.
2356
the police tried to shoot

me because i ate my babies,
but our bus was really good
at floating and the bullets
the police used could not
float.
2357
i watched one of the bullets

sink to the bottom of the
river and i laughed because
it looked like a goldfish
tooth.
2358
when i was thirteen i

bought a hamster necklace
made from twenty living
hamsters and i wore the
necklace to the semiformal
dance where i won a trophy
for smallest dress shirt.
2359
the guy who taught me to

laugh also taught me how
to be a loving partner to
all the people in my life
that had decided to be my
husband.
2360
one time i laughed so much

that everything in the
world that floated forgot
how to float and we all
sunk to the bottom of the
universe
like
goldfish
teeth.
2361
it was really tough to clean

my mouth at the bottom of
the universe so my breath
was not a good thing and
people that used to touch
my wet spots with their lips
stopped touching my wet
spots.
2362
a thing
happened
happened
progress
an adult
relevant.
that had not

in a long time
and all the
i had made as
was no longer
2363
almost every single thing

in my life was a wet spot
and if i found a part of my
life that wasnt a wet spot
then i talked about wet
spots until this non-wet
spot became a wet spot.
2364
the peacock tree that had

grown out of my forehead
was still growing and
my head was almost tenthousand acres deep.
2365
someone who had more wet

spots than anyone else in
the world told me i should
go back to school and
become a sprout.
2366
i tried to drown this

peacock tree in the gas
tank of the meat engine
that controlled all my
relationships,
but
the
peacock tree could float
better than all the arms
attached to all the balloons
and feathers in the world.
2367
The Ornament That Is Nice And Licks

Me
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Ornament That Is Nice And Licks Me
This book was written on December 2nd 2012. It a tray of

chinese food left behind the mall.
The Ornament That Is Nice And Licks Me
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. holiday dancing. professional bowling tips]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., one-eighth of a grain of juice.
Originally published by the the heat man that lives in air.
ISBN-10: 061573846X
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. There was some
people having a dream. 3. One of them asked if I was a puppy.
4. I was not a puppy. 5. Then I was a puppy.
my faced turned into a pillow and i began playing basketball
June 2012
i went to a christmas party

on june 17th, 1953.
2371
there was a pool and a

trampoline
and
people
were dressed like prunes.
2372
six or seven things happened

in the living room.
2373
i touched a couch with my

pants and then i touched a
potato chip with my mouth.
2374
i tried to show someone my

nose hair because it felt
like it was almost three
centimeters long.
2375
the people who were

dressed like pool water
didnt have any genitals.
2376
someone threw a ping-pong

ball at me because they
thought i was made of lava.
2377
most of the people with

genitals were drinking on
the roof.
2378
my genitals tried to climb

on the roof, but i fell in the
pool.
2379
it was cold because all the

trees in the neighborhood
were dressed like christmas
wreaths.
2380
i was not quite old enough

to drink at the party
because i would not be born
for another forty years.
2381
someone said they knew my

dad, but my dad had never
been born.
2382
i was the product of a single

kernel of semen that was
the product of an unborn
test-tube.
2383
the same song played for

three hours because it had
been slowed down to one
loud grueling trickle of a
heartbeat.
2384
i put a fried piece of

something that had already
been fried in my mouth.
2385
someone picked me up and

put me in their genitals
hole because they thought i
was a pleasure crumb.
2386
the ponies that lived in the

pony area were drinking
the pork chops that people
threw at them.
2387
i stole one of the pork

chops and wore it on my face
because i thought it made
me look like a celebrity
that people would want to
touch.
2388
no one touched me because

people that want to touch
celebrities dont want to
rub their face on a face
thats wearing meat.
2389
i tried to eat some birthday

candles.
2390
the guy who once beat up

the pork chop i was wearing
on my face with his genitals
asked if i wanted to climb
on the roof with him.
2391
i fell in the pool again and

someone had to pretend
that all the water in the
pool was yarn before i was
able to pull myself out.
2392
some of the ponies liked to

eat yarn so they jumped in
the pool and ate it until it
was almost empty.
2393
everyone started talking

to everyone who was not me
and so i touched the same
potato chip a few thousand
times before the inside of
my mouth began to hurt.
2394
i tried to talk to someone

who was looking at their
phone, but their phone
kept beeping so i pretended
my hand was a phone and
i looked at it until i was
alone next to the potato
chips again.
2395
ten boys in yellow shirts

went outside and took off
their shirts and lay them on
the ground in the shape of
triangle.
2396
some of the genitals on

the roof were making
interesting noises so i tried
to climb on the roof again
while making sure i didnt
fall in the pool, but i ended
up falling in a puddle on
the side of the house.
2397
the guy who fixed the air

conditioner in my moms
station wagon showed up
and told everyone to go
home.
2398
everyone started to go home

but i threw a pony at the
guy who told everyone to
go home and while the pony
was in midair it ate the guy
and when the pony finished
eating the guy there was no
more guy telling everyone
to go home.
2399
the pony landed in the bowl

of potato chips after it ate
the guy who once cleaned
my moms station wagon.
2400
i ate a pony that i pretended

was a potato chip, but the
guy who owned the ponies
beat on my genitals until
i pretended i had never
eaten a pony.
2401
someone was giving out

awards to some people
who were good at getting
awards and i hoped i would
get an award, but i was not
good at getting awards so i
didnt get an award.
2402
the lawn sort of decided it

didnt like living outside
anymore so it crawled
inside the
house and
there was even some lawn
that crawled inside the
refrigerator.
2403
thirty-four people were

huddled around a goldfish
that had fallen out of the
sky, but when i tried to pick
it up to put it in the pool
someone kicked me because
they thought i was bird
that ate goldfishes because
they had seen me earlier
touching a lot of potato
chips.
2404
the trampoline climbed

inside the washing machine
and went to sleep.
2405
a girl in a gray sweatshirt

took off her gray sweatshirt
and climbed on the roof.
2406
i found a pair of fingernail

clippers and used them
to trim the hand of a boy
who was not moving on the
couch.
2407
i wasnt sure what to do

with the clippings so i put
them in the mouth of a
different boy who was also
not moving on the couch.
2408
two children in green and

red sweaters were jumping
on the trampoline that was
sleeping inside the washing
machine.
2409
i heard someone on the

roof yell the words papa
snowman.
2410
my face was not capable of

growing a white baby.
2411
everyone was wearing white

babies on their face.
2412
i touched my face and

wished the pork chop on
my face was made from the
same thing that white babies
were made from.
2413
there were no ornaments

left at the party so i walked
down the street to the pizza
store and ordered a nice
ornament.
2414
the boy who worked at the

pizza store was wearing a
football jersey and said
his dad had once eaten an
entire motorcycle made out
of garlic bread.
2415
when the ornament was

done getting cooked i put it
in my mouth and it kissed my
insides.
2416
the ornament tasted like

sauce which made me wish
it tasted like cream because
i liked to smear cream on
my face when i used to be
a retired war veteran that
didnt have any legs and had
to be carried everywhere
by a gorilla whose lips
smelled like sauce.
2417
i sat down in a parking lot

and waited for a leaf to
fall in my mouth.
2418
the next morning a security

guard found me asleep in
the dumpster.
2419
the security guard gave

me a handful of milk and i
walked home.
2420
i ate all the milk before

i was home, but a lot of it
stained the pork chop i was
wearing.
2421
a few blocks from my house

a car accidentally hit me
and i fell off the side of a
cliff.
2422
as i was falling i imagined

i was an egg sandwich and
that a large human bird
would come and eat me, but
none of this happened and
i continued to fall off the
cliff.
2423
The Books Keep Getting Worse and Worse

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on December 3rd 2012. It is a book.

38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. yellow teeth. eye sinks. tookies]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., 3/4 of a white single cough.
Originally published by the house where I live but will
not always live.
ISBN-10: 061574141X
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I had a dream I could
not remember the combination to my high school locker.
3. I went to the beach. 4. There was a flood. 5. I slept with
a a warm leg and my friend was the editor of the student
newspaper.
im running really fast upside down. ha. ha.
June 2012
i wrote a book. it was not

very good. i sat in a corner
and made bubbles.
2427
the bubbles told me i had

nice fingers. my hair grew
new fingers. i sewed my old
fingers on the bubbles.
2428
the bubbles floated away.

i regretted sewing my old
fingers on the bubbles. the
new fingers were not very
good at being fingers.
2429
i wrote another book. it was

not very good. i made wet
noises in my pants.
2430
my dad wrote a review for

one of my books. he said my
book was dumb. he also said
he wished he had made more
children when he could
still make children.
2431
i kept writing books. none

of them were very good. i
felt like a balloon that was
being used as a rug.
2432
the three-year-old boy

down the street was armless
and liked to pretend i didnt
have arms either. we rolled
down hills together. at
the bottom of the smallest
hill in our neighborhood i
tried to eat him so i could
write a book about eating
an armless three-year-old
boy.
2433
all the books were the same.

i stopped trying. some of the
books tasted like a bowl of
human-hair that had been
soaking in milk for a a few
hundred years.
2434
a person i knew tried to eat

one of my books. he got sick.
his mom cried a lot.
2435
there was a mountain

dressed like a bear that
looked like a mountain. it
did not know how to read.
i threw blueberries at the
mountain instead of writing
a book about mountains.
2436

be about a guy who had
problems and then ate
something.
2437
i wrote this book in twentythree

seconds
while
wearing my own human face
like it was an entire giant
body.
2438
most of the books ive

written will one day get
wet because someday i will
pick them up and realize
how bad i am at writing
books. then cry on all my
books.
2439
this book was supposed

to be about a guy who
had problems and then
breathed until he didnt
have problems.
2440
most of my ideas were only

three inches tall, but i
thought they were a few
hundred feet tall.
2441
i wish i had written a book

about the empty space where
my brother was supposed to
exist.
2442
once, i found a purple leaf

in the woods and i thought
it was my sibling so i ate it
and waited for a tree to
grow out my butt.
2443
my brother used to live in

a bear that thought it was
a mountain and his sisters
were created from books
that i once wrote which
eventually made me realize
i was not an ant.
2444
i tried to use a flashlight to

write one of the books. i put
it in my mouth and turned it
off and on. that book was
going to be about the boy
whose ears glowed.
2445
a policeman once read one

of my books and shot me in
the face because i only had
one face. the bullet did not
kill anyone. it was not good
at being a bullet. i think
the bullet tried to rob a
bank, but everyone thought
i robbed the bank.
2446
i was going to hide inside

my friend and write a book,
but he was made of yarn
and he didnt have a face so
the policeman was probably
going to shoot me again.
2447
things were pretty hopeless.

my tooth fell out and gave
birth to a lima bean. i had
no teeth. i only had a lima
bean, but it thought it was
the seed of cheese panther.
2448
all my neighbors were

afraid of the cheese
panthers. they thought the
cheese panthers liked to
eat babies, but the cheese
panthers only liked to eat
cheese.
2449
a few months after the

bank got robbed there
was a political movement
somewhere and everyone
stopped believing in gravity.
the guy who created the
movement didnt have any
lips. he had kissed too many
people.
2450
i tried to write a book

about the guy who didnt
have lips, but instead i fell
in love with one of the
people he kissed. i tried
to remember if i had been
kissed. im pretty sure i fell
in love with myself.
2451
everyone was sad because

they couldnt float even
though they didnt believe
in gravity anymore.
2452
i thought about mailing the

person i loved a cannoli,
but it would get squished
and the mailman would
probably eat the envelope.
2453
sometimes it felt like the

world was standing at the
edge of my canyons waiting
for me to beep on my
streams.
2454
the lower part of my back

was stiff. i tried to remove
it so i could put it in a
jar and tell people i had
an interesting jar. all
my jars were small and
uninteresting and made for
salsa or something.
2455
i thought about pretending

i had never written a book
and becoming a dad, but i
decided to be a naked horse
that lived on the beach
while people roasted all
the ocean water until it
turned to meat.
2456
my first critical success as

an author was a book about
a dog that thought it was
bread and had a wound in
the center of its lung that
people thought was the
dogs love shape.
2457
before i gave up on the

project that was loosely
titled highway of babies, i
thought about having a baby
and leaving it on a highway
and then writing a memoir
from the point of view of a
father who left his baby on
a highway.
2458
it was very easy to make up

fake titles for all my stupid ideas, but it was a lot
tougher to work on each
stupid idea long enough
for it to be completed and
not feel stupid.
2459
before i began writing books

i wanted to be the assistant
manager of someones pill
cabinet so when people
tried to eat from the pill
cabinet i could feed them
yarn pellets. when all the
yarn pellets were eaten i
would write a book called
the day the yarn pellets
stopped the drip.
2460
i bought a pile of inch

worms because it was easy to
buy inch worms and i didnt
know what else to do with
my life.
2461
people kept pointing at the

nose on my face because it
wouldnt stop dripping.
2462
i was afraid that writing

books would one day make
my
physical
thoughts
completely paralyzed.
2463
for at least thirty-one

years of my lifewhich is
a maddening amount of time
because im not even twentynine years oldi spent most
of my waking hours not
enjoying the empty space
inside my face.
2464
the invisible octopus guy,

that sometimes stood in
the corner while i wrote
my books, fell over. i
stopped writing the book
i was writing and went to
help him stand back up. he
apologized told me what
parts of his octopus were
safe to touch.
2465
everyone left their baby

trash arms on the sidewalk
on tuesday even though
they wouldnt be collected
until thursday.
2466
for a few years, i blamed

the lack of critical success
of my books on my napkin
tissue nose disease.
2467
whenever i cant think of

anything, i like to lie face
down next to my neighbors
automobile and listen to its
lukewarm muffler noise.
2468
when i finished writing my

last book i was going to buy
the computer where my
body lived after my body
retired, but someone had
attached all its wires to
their navel and i was afraid
to touch them.
2469
at a party i went to recently

i thought the ceiling fan
was made of baby arms, but
it was made from a material
that was only seventeen
percent inorganic.
2470
the river where everybody

cried all their tears was
not a river. it was a time
machine. if you drank from
it you were allowed to
crawl back in your womb.
on the other side of the
womb was a man holding a
mouth that spoke of future
successful business ideas
that needed investment.
2471
i tried to write a book the

morning after i only slept
for five hours, but one of my
testicles was on a diet and
wanted me to rub yogurt on
it so it would stop growing
so little much hair.
2472
there were strong forces

in milk that made me want
to be milk, but my primary
goal in life was to only eat
lawns made from grass-fed
beef.
2473
i thought about all the

warm noises that i had made
when standing alone in
public places.
2474
all the pages in one of my

books fell out recently
and as i watched them land
on the ground i could not
comprehend how it was
possible that things could
fall and that things could
stop falling.
2475
one of the books i wrote

developed intense feelings
of happiness and joy even
though everyone thought it
was the worst person that
had ever been born.
2476
the tumors where all the

hospitals lived after they
became financially viable
to live in a tumor burned
down and the hospitals
were homeless.
2477
i was touching a computer

because
i
wanted
my
computer to make me
better at touching human
emotions.
2478
on the last day of the year

i put on a pair of sunglasses
and pretended i was a noise
that had never been made
before.
2479
The Time I Swallowed My Spit

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on December 8th 2012. Its feet are
numb.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. soft beats in the kneecap of a heart muscle]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., 3.4 sleeping roommates.
Originally published the entire city of Yew Nork.
ISBN-10: 0615741428
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. Some people invited
me to a birthday party. 3. I heard they wanted me to eat their
cake. 4. I ate a lot of their cake, but felt sick. 5. The cake was
made of applesauce.
a guy tries to float or invent a time machine while reading
poetry
June 2012
this book is a guide for how

to swallow your own spit if
you have trouble not making
everything wet while you
swallow your spit in your
bed.
2483
i rented an expensive jacket,

walked to a store that sold
coffee. the store didnt
have any chairs so i brought
a lawn chair with me. one
of the sleeves on the jacket
itched so i took it off and
laid it on the chair. the
coffee was not very good.
i poured in on my expensive
jacket.
2484
there was a bowl of

leftover food in one of my
refrigerators. i put it in a
spoon. the spoon was halffull. i wasnt sure what
to do with the rest of the
spoon. my landlord asked
me if i wanted to paint the
unfilled half of my spoon.
2485
i could hear some people

sleeping in a room i was
not allowed to sleep in. i
pressed my ear on the room.
i could not tell if the
people were pretending to
sleep or not.
2486
the area where my brain

lived yesterday was tender.
it had trouble blinking
when my eye muscles told
it to blink. bad stuff had
decided to live in one of
my ears. i called the police
and asked what i should
do about the bad stuff.
they told me to drink milk
because milk used to always
be white.
2487
someone left a plastic fork

in my bed. no one had ever
used it. there was still a
thin plastic covering on it.
i put on a shoe, but i could
not find my other shoe. i
worried someone had sold
it to a creepy invisible man
who liked to workout in my
bed while i was at work.
2488
i swallowed my spit once.

it tasted like spit. i was not
concerned.
2489
the spit did not like being

swallowed. i apologized. it
said, its not your fault.
2490
everything was my fault. all

the juices in my body wished
they were human. i was not
a juice.
2491
look at that juice boy,

yelled the shape on the
inside of my face that liked
to drink juice.
2492
on the other side of the

universe there was a juice
thing. i tried to touch it. my
arms were too short.
2493
it was not possible to get

to the other side of the
universe when you were on
this side of the universe.
2494
i began praying to the other

side of the universe. i was
not sure what else to do. i
once prayed to the tongue
on the other side of my
tongue.
2495
the
spit
i
swallowed
eventually got turned into
pee. i was sleeping. the pee
crawled on my face and
told me to stop sleeping.
2496
i went to the grocery store

to buy something to clean
my face. the woman at the
grocery store laughed at
me. she said, youre almost
thirty and you still pee
on your face while youre
sleeping.
2497
i was embarrassed so i didnt

buy anything to clean my
face and i walked around
for the rest of my life with
a dirty face.
2498
the people i worked for

eventually told me i wasnt
allowed to work for them
anymore.
2499
i didnt have any friends

and all my money went to
live with my ex-wife.
2500
there were some problems

in my life, but i didnt try
to remove my eyeballs so
everyone said i was a good
child and it felt good
because i still had eyes.
2501
once, i saw a snowman press

his face on the ground so
its important you make sure
youre thinking positive
thoughts while you sit on
your face.
2502
if you cant sit on your

face then give your face to
someone who doesnt have a
face to sit on.
2503
buy my perfume. it is made

out of my face. i like to
smile when people give me
money.
2504
my face was praying to the

snowman who was kneeling
on the ground and praying
to the internet.
2505
the internet did not listen

to me. it was busy talking to
people. i saw one guy on the
internet wearing boots on
his head.
2506
none of the prayers knew

how to leave my body. i was
praying to a person i hoped
i would one day make out of
my juices.
2507
yesterday, i woke up at
two a.m. i heard someone
talking. it was a phone. i
went back to sleep.
2508
at three a.m. my phone

beeped and i feel out of my
bed. there was a squirrel in
the corner of my bedroom.
it ate me. i live in a squirrel
now.
2509
it feels pretty good to

live inside a squirrel. most
squirrels like having people
live inside them. my squirrel
has two refrigerators. one
of them is orange.
2510
in the third grade some

of my friends had orange
refrigerators and i was
jealous because my mothers
refrigerator was white and
it smelled like mayonnaise
or dog biscuits.
2511
my dog really like dog

biscuits that smelled like
mayonnaise so my mother
kept all my dogs biscuits in
the mayonnaise jar and then
all my baloney sandwiches
smelled like biscuits.
2512
sometimes my teachers beat

me up after lunch when all
my math problems smelled
like the dog biscuits that i
had eaten with milk.
2513
one of the worst things

that ever happened to me is
when milk squirted out of
my eyeball during a math
test and my calculator
broke.
2514
my father had given me

the calculator on my
eighth birthday and he
said, if i had owned a
calculator when i was your
age i probably would have
become a famous engineer
and the president would
have invited me to his house
on christmas day and you
and your mom would have
been alone for most of your
life and you should be glad
that i never learned math
because i am a good dad.
2515
i woke up at three a.m.

because i was urinating on
myself. i was tired so i spit
on my wet spots and went
back to sleep.
2516
there were some weird

growths on my face when i
woke up. i tried to cut them
off with my toothbrush. one
of the growths laughed at
me because i was a grown
man and i still made wet
spots while i slept.
2517
my room was warmer

than it used to be. one of
the heaters had gotten
pregnant. it was sweating in
different places.
2518
the middle of my floor was

empty. i kneeled down on a
piece of the emptiness and
waited. the emptiness was
good friends with someone
who had hair. i used to have
different hair. now i have
the hair that i have.
2519
there were four apples in

one of my refrigerators.
i bought two of my
refrigerators for a dollar.
it was an okay investment.
2520
most of the other people

in the world did not seem
to think it was weird that i
keep peeing on them while i
sleep.
2521
i once heard a story abou a

twenty-nine-year-old male
who didnt like his testicles
so he put them on the
internet and a lot of people
made fun of the testicles
because they smelled like
raisins.
2522
when im sad i go to a
special place and throw
croutons at people who like
being hit with croutons,
but sometimes i eat the
croutons.
2523
if your lower back hurts

then you should let someone
spit on it. if your ears hurt
then you should try to spit
on your own ears. if your
landlord doesnt have any
clean teeth then you can
buy him a spit bottle and he
can spit until all his teeth
are clean.
2524
dinosaurs never learned

how to spit on themselves
and now theyre all dead.
2525
it feels really beautiful

when i have a dream about
being wet and then i wake
up and all the spots where
i sleep are wet.
2526
a few months ago i woke up

and i heard my spit talking
to the spit in someone elses
mouth about how all the
spit in the world should
get a job on a boat and then
burn the boat in the middle
of the ocean.
2527
when i was twenty-seven i

was on a burning canoe in
the middle of the ocean and
it wasnt that bad. i think i
ended up spitting on the
burning canoe until all
my spit was burned. then i
traded one of my paddles
for a bird feather.
2528
sometimes when im waiting

in line and im bored i will
spit on the people around
me until they tell me not to
spit on them anymore. then
i will point at one of the
spots on my body that used
to be wet.
2529
i thought i had finished

making all my wet spots,
but when i logged into my
computer all the wet spots
had not been saved.
2530
my ex-girlfriend told me
to stop making wet spots.
i was making wet spots in
her shoes. she ate some
chocolate and then made
wet spots with a different
guy.
2531
in the last three weeks

i have made wet spots in
my bed at least thirty or
forty times. i have started
sleeping in the bathtub, but
i still manage to make wet
spots in my bed.
2532
in second grade there was

a fire on the other side of
the mountain. all the little
kids tried to pee on the fire,
but our pee was too short.
2533
every couple of days i log

into one of my wet spots
and see if any of them have
dried yet, but most of them
are never going to dry and
it will be up to me to stop
making new wet spots.
2534
its always weird when you

go to the grocery store and
you see the man responsible
for the first wet spot you
ever made.
2535
The Shrimp Implants That Live In My

Eyebrows
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Shrimp Implants That Live In My Eyebrows
This book was written on December 8th 2012. I am a cold

log.
The Shrimp Implants That Live In My Eyebrows
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. some people change their face]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., three-fourths of a nipple.
Originally published in the dirty section of the internet.
ISBN-10: 0615741487
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I got an email from
someone. 3. They were made out of blood pressure. 4. I dont
like to yell when I am yelling. 5. Lets make toys.
a shape of where i used to live
June 2012
i bought a white pea coat

and wore it until it was
yellow and then i cooked it
in a teapot and waited for it
to make my rainbow tunnels
feel excited.
2539
the small people went to

the store that sold large
fingers
which
helped
people scratch their head
pimples that had never been
scratched before.
2540
a guy with thick-rimmed

glasses made bubbles with
his top lip for an hour while
his bottom lip pretended it
was a milkshake. when all
the bubbles and milkshakes
were finished, the guy asked
the crowd of spectators to
summarize the lecture he
had just given.
2541
some dudes tried to say hi

to the girl who was sitting
alone next to a bag of
children.
2542
after their most recent

victory, the team sat naked
on the carpet of their
locker room and waited for
one of them to take out a
champagne bottle that they
could all climb upon and
hump.
2543
everyone was afraid to touch

the ice crystals because
there were rumors that
the ice crystals were made
of brown rainbow streams,
but these ice crystals were
actually made of peanut
butter brownies and only
the smallest and least hairy
inch worm dared to touch
these ice crystals because
he had never heard of the
brown rainbow streams
that tended to leak from
the ozone holes where
airplanes used to empty
their waste products.
2544
a white man with broccoli

hair and a salsa beard waited
next to a microwave for his
dad to finish reheating the
leftover fava beans.
2545
two people with chainsaws

surgically
attached
to
their foreheads tried to
make out with each other.
2546
everyone in the world

wanted to touch some of the
crumbs that were sleeping
in my rainbow tunnel after
i climbed in a blueberry
muffin cave.
2547
i used to like when my

tooth decided to go on
a diet because i thought
i
was
a
professional
basketball player and all
my boyfriends/teammates
would dance better to
convince me to get chubby
with them on the weekend
when everything was a form
of pancake music.
2548
one of the fried mangoes

that used to visit me in the
summer called last night
and said, the first thing
that people should do after
they are born is give birth to
an object so that everyone
would be mommies.
2549
the bowl of cereal that

i ate for breakfast four
thousand years ago called
me yesterday and asked me
if i could email him some
money.
2550
some people who were not

allowed to wear socks
because their dads had
glued all their socks to a
helicopter that got shot
down over vietnam on its
way to prom tried to wear
my socks but i was already
wearing all my socks to
show that i was patriotic.
2551
i tried to call my mom

but i couldnt dial any of
the buttons on my phone
because i was wearing an
oven mitt on all my fingers.
2552
one thousand white people

dressed in nothing but
blinking christmas lights
walked down the middle of
the street while singing a
song about a piece of fried
chicken that invented the
noodle salad that my dad
used to glue to his face
before he learned how to
grow a holiday beard.
2553
an oversized infant went to

a coffee shop to look at the
donuts. he didnt buy any
donuts. instead, he kneeled
down in front of the pastry
case and gently rocked back
and forth. he did this for a
few hours, but about every
fifteen minutes he paused
his ritual to nibble on a
single roasted sunflower
seed he withdrew from
his light blue dress shirts
breast pocket.
2554
maybe ill get some lentil

soup tomorrow when i go
to the lentil soup store
tomorrow, said the song
that was playing in the
store that sold chocolate
birthday crowns to bald
people who were too
embarrassed to wear a
puddle of wigs on their
stomachs whenever they
drank too much takeout
chinese food.
2555
we opened a fish shack and

in the summers when it was
too moist to wear our heavy
sweaters we dressed in
thin permeable vests that
were more expensive than
anything we ever imagined
wed be able to afford,
but our little dirty shack
was a goldmine and we
probably would have all
been millionaires except
on the second month after
we opened a family traded
their baby for a lobster
and everyone on the beach
stopped eating fish.
2556
i was worried about the

ozone fallout in my region
of the city. for the last
month, large fragments of
ozone had been crumbling
from a piece of the sky
that lived just beyond the
horizon. some people had
died, but no one had talked
to them in years so it was
practically like no one had
died.
2557
things kept happening at

night which led people to
believe that if night stopped
existing that nothing would
happen, but the absence of
night was not an option. too
many people relied on the
nighttime hour for their
wellbeing.
2558
someday i will write an

autobiography
about
a
person who never drank
alcohol because he didnt
have a valve at the bottom of
his lungs to compensate for
the change in emotions that
resulted when a normal
person touched alcohol.
2559
i touched a piece of shrimp.

i put its babies in my mouth
while i waited for the bus.
there were three people
selling antiques on the bus.
i wanted to do something
with my life. my aunt called
and said she was going to
send me an email for my
birthday.
2560
i spent most of the week

eating the same bean every
day, but it was usually
wrapped in a different
tortilla. a woman i knew
also
touched
a
bean
wrapped in a tortilla. i
talked to her until my bean
was cold and had to go home
to do some other things.
2561
a man woke up and

masturbated on his own
pillow. his dna was very
insignificant. there were
two egg bodie. he put one
of the egg bodies in an
envelope and mailed it to
his ex-girlfriend. he was
not sure what to do with
the other egg body so he
put it in a bucket behind
his house in case one of his
pigs ever returned and was
hungry.
2562
a doctor called and said,

i have your test results,
but i did not remember
getting tested. the doctor
said he didnt remember
administering any tests, but
wasnt sure what else to
do with the large package
filled with test results.
2563
forty-five people died in

my
backyard yesterday.
most of them were wearing
snow pants and had been
drinking milkshakes when
i accidentally dropped a
cloud full of miniature
polar bears on them. the
miniature
polar
bears
were out of control and
didnt believe in any of
the foundations of modern
society.
2564
i was going to write a

biography about a guy who
liked to yell at his own
teeth while he was yelling,
but all his teeth fell out
and he forgot how to yell.
2565
some naked watermelons

were trying to save their
watermelons and one of
them said, imagine if our
melons were rainbows and
we didnt have to worry
about
saving
ourselves
from complete and utter
annihilation because we
would be dancing all the
time in our rainbow bodies?
2566
i bought a horse because my

accountant said that horses
were a better investment
than potato chips, but when
i tried to eat the horse it
ran away.
2567
a nice person was alone on a

saturday night so he bought
a baby and breastfed it so
he wouldnt feel so alone.
2568
some
bald
men
were
shirtless at my workplace
on friday. they were giving
away free nice things. i tried
to dance so they would give
me extra free nice things,
but the men said i was bad
at dancing and only gave me
one free nice thing.
2569
i bought an automobile so i
could drive it into the side
of a fast food restaurant
while it was having sexual
intercourse with every dead
elephant that had ever been
sold to the grease kings of
the elephant kingdom.
2570
one of my breasts used to

be named bill, but bill
called and said he was not
a breast so i renamed my
breast ricky and ricky
smiled.
2571
i was being not safe at work

and my manager had to call
the police who showed up
and shot a few bullets at my
head until i started being
safe again.
2572
the large boil that was

elected the president of
one of hairs on my rainbow
tunnel was actually a cloud
of miniature polar bears.
2573
i went to a restaurant that

used to not be a restaurant.
i wore a sweater. one of
the threads on my sweater
had thick-rimmed glasses.
people in the restaurant
that used to not be a
restaurant were not eating
because the food was
dressed like every dead
potato chip in the history of
shrimp milk.
2574
only three people were

watching television on the
last saturday night in 1991
because the environment
had not yet turned into
the crouton floating in
everyones milkshake.
2575
the people eating near

my face were not people
because when i put them in
my mouth they tasted like
what a ham salad tasted
like if it was entirely made
of ham.
2576
i wished people didnt feel

all the things that people
think they felt.
2577
my arms used to think they

were made from gods face,
but the banking regulations
convinced them to invest
all their pimples in the
middle of the deserts
rainbow tunnel because its
rainbow was only made of
various shades of brown.
2578
all the milk near my head

will someday not be near
my head ever again.
2579
i want a guy who does not

drip on his own milk when
his rainbow tunnel is tired
and mostly brown, said the
potted gray plant whose
leaves each had blond perm
curls.
2580
i turned on the radio so

my cookies would have
something to listen to
while i was eating them.
2581
rich people probably buy a

new rainbow tunnel every
time all the stripes in their
rainbow tunnel turn brown
even
though
rainbow
tunnels taste better when
they arent colorful.
2582
i had a thought that was

not a real thought because
it didnt happen in my head
and i only knew it was real
because i touched it while i
was sleeping.
2583
people will always enjoy

rocks because rocks dont
feel anything special when
you touch them.
2584
yesterday i bought
interesting potato
yesterday when i
to the potato chip
yesterday.
2585
some
chips
went
store
the guy who dressed up like

a pony for my birthday was
not a real pony because he
was afraid to touch ponies
or anything that had to do
with ponies.
2586
the acoustic-guitar song in

that song with the acoustic
guitar is not about acoustic
guitars.
2587
it used to be impossible
to eat something without
using your mouth.
2588
i was going to write a book

about the day i invented a
thing and the thing fell off
my head because my glue
was not supposed to be used
on heads.
2589
a group of rainbow tunnels

sat in a chair at the edge of
a field that used to be made
completely out of rainbow
tunnels.
2590
i touched a piece of shrimp

that was soft and would
eventually turn into a
handful of milk. i was not
sure how to stop touching
the piece of shrimp. i sat on
the floor and waited for
my hand to fill with milk.
2591
The Man Who Got A Face Job With His

Face
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Man Who Got A Face Job With His Face
This book was written on December 9th 2012. Its a

seventeen-layer cake.
The Man Who Got A Face Job With His Face
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. soft voices in my young old lady]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., three clunks. six clinks. a heart cheese.
Originally published by the thing that isnt money.
ISBN-10: 0615741746
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I watched a movie
about someone who was the greatest person who was ever a
person. 3. I decided to try and be the greatest person who was
not a great person. 4. Someone told me I would never be the
greatest person who was not a person. 5. I tried to hard to be
the greatest person who was not a great person.
a guy talks about the small thing that isnt god
June 2012
the man had a face, but he

didnt have a job.
2595
his face was his only job.
2596
all the other people in the

world had faces and jobs.
2597
even the people who didnt

have faces had jobs.
2598
the man with a face decided

to get a face job for his
face.
2599
face jobs were expensive.
2600
the face job the man wanted

cost almost three thousand
dollars.
2601
the man decided to sell a

few inches of his face so he
could get a face job.
2602
no one wanted to buy a

partial face from someone
who didnt have a job.
2603
he borrowed twenty thousand dollars from his dads

face.
2604
the new face was not very

good at being a face.
2605
the man still couldnt get a

job.
2606
the old face got a job being

someone elses face.
2607
the man tried to write

short stories about his face
and sell them.
2608
one of the meat market

places bought a story.
2609
the man got excited and

tried to buy a plastic bag
for his other face.
2610
all the plastic bags were

already being used by
people who were excited.
2611
some of the plastic bags

were filled with artificial
faces.
2612
a lot of people were

worried that their faces
were artificial.
2613
the man paid someone to

wear his face.
2614
the person wearing the

mans face immediately lost
their job.
2615
one face touched another

face for an extended period
of time.
2616
multiple faces sprouted

from the earth in the shape
of male oil.
2617
the oil of the man whose

face wasnt employed did
not like being touched.
2618
a face completely made of

oil climbed on the shoulder
of a hawk feather and said,
wear me.
2619
the man put an ad in the

newspaper that said, new
face. never been dropped.
please call my face if youre
interested in new faces.
2620
a face was accidentally

dropped in a puddle in the
middle of my bedroom.
2621
the puddle was made from

some things that i did.
2622
ive done a lot of things,

but only a few of them got
turned into puddles.
2623
some of my tendons were

strained
from
making
puddles.
2624
i had to sell most of my

tendons to make the last
puddle that sprouted in the
middle of my bedroom.
2625
its always been my goal

to make a puddle out of a
thousand male oil droplets.
2626
i bought a book i once wrote

called how to make a male
puddle from a thousand
drops of oil.
2627
there was going to be a

revolution yesterday, but i
ate pasta so the revolution
had to be cancelled.
2628
i wanted to create a school

for teaching children how
to make oil.
2629
in first grade, my school

was called worst precious
stream of john woodrow
leaf machine.
2630
the man who didnt have a

face because his job didnt
give him one thought he
could wear a small pasture
on his head even though
there was a black crow
standing in the middle of
the pasture.
2631
on the day i ate pasta i

realized the entire world
was a tunnel and that i had
never seen a real sunbeam
because all the sunbeams in
the tunnel were made from
incandescent objects.
2632
before i was qualified

to eat pasta in america i
had to mail my stomach
to a computer algorithm
that was responsible for
creating popcorn shapes
that were similar to all the
other popcorn shapes in the
world.
2633
two or three years ago

my elementary school was
replaced by a single gray
corn flake that had become
brittle and inedible.
2634
the guy wanted his face to

change all the faces in the
world.
2635
one of the faces was the

bodyguard for the most
important face in the world.
2636
a person who was important

was not as important as the
person who did the face
thing with the other face
thing.
2637
i wore a football helmet

on my face until someone
who didnt like football
helmets tried to kill me.
2638
a gray van was going to kill

me but then it ran out of
gas.
2639
i sewed one of my extra

faces on the gray vans gas
tank.
2640
two small imaginary small

things asked me to sew a
face on both their faces at
the same time, but i was not
very good at small things.
2641
once, before i was a small

thing, my face was a tail.
2642
it was very tough to be a

human when your face was
a tail.
2643
everyone
thought
that
people with tail faces were
made from dead squirrels.
2644
on the last day of the

squirrel
month,
my
father accidentally ran
over a squirrel with his
lawnmower and tried to
save it by sewing it on my
face.
2645
i got into college because

i lied and told the college
that i was born with my tail
face.
2646
there was a van parked at

the top of the hill where
faces werent allowed to
be and the van was eating a
worm that was dressed as a
tail.
2647
The Movie That Was Almost Over Maybe

Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
This book was written on December 9th 2012. Its a rich man
who thinks he is a poor man.
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. digitized images of people being sexed.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., fourteen million sexual emotions.
Originally published by the company that made love.
ISBN-10: 0615741762
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I want to start a band.
3. I dont know how to make noises. 4. I will buy a drum and
it will teach me to make noises. 5. When I am old the drum
will be my only friend.
people trying to float on a saturday night
June 2012
i went to a movie with my

illegitimate unborn t-shirt.
2651
the movie was almost over

maybe.
2652
the t-shirts fabric was made

of a flexible reflective
material.
2653
it had shaved its face off

with someone elses pizza
sauce.
2654
i dont like when people

shave their bodies with
pizza sauce because in
high school my basketball
coach made me wear pizza
sauce in my armpits for
three or four thousand
years and everyone was
afraid of me because the
pizza sauce leaked on my
genitals and all the babies
began growing on the upper
thigh area of some of my
basketball teammates.
2655
every parent with a teenage

child got upset at my
genitals for impregnating
the upper thigh area of my
basketball teammates.
2656
there was a lawsuit against

some of my genitals.
2657
i had to rent an attorney

that sympathized with pizza
sauce armpits.
2658
the first attorney that

offered to help was an
evil man who had a lot of
uncooked noodles that he
wanted to rub in my sauce.
2659
the music in the movie was

slowly falling asleep.
2660
i found an attorney that

only wore boots and had
sewn his head full of
blonde flavored noodles.
2661
when i was twelve my body

felt like a twenty-fiveyear-old lampshade.
2662
one of the movies stomachs

had turned into a honey
cloud.
2663
the human in the movie that

was dressed up like a flower
did not pay attention to the
human not dressed like a
flower.
2664
a family made from a single

fiber of dirt tried to drink
a jar of milk that was fortyfive times larger than
my face during my faces
largest moment.
2665
i was worried that the guy

who was supposed to do
something wouldnt be able
to do something.
2666
one of the people in the

movie started crying.
2667
i forgot how to be a
person because the hat i
usually wore tasted like
blueberries, but i couldnt
eat the hat or else i wouldnt
have any blueberries to
wear on my hat.
2668
there was some leftover

meatloaf in the refrigerator when i went home so i
ate it.
2669
people threw handfuls

of chili at the windows of
my apartment and in the
morning i went outside and
licked them clean.
2670
the next morning i ate a

thing and it didnt taste good
so i got a sex change and
earned a track scholarship
at a school that was good at
spicy foods.
2671
the hair in my hair wanted

to be a field of grass, but
i cut it off and ate it so it
would be best friends with
my yarn.
2672
i used to be a multitude
of quiet thoughts which
helped me pretend all
the children that were
unborn from my genitals
were actually living in my
pockets even though my
pockets were empty.
2673
every moment in this book

was going to made into
its own individual movie,
but some of the people
who work in fast food
restaurants
protested.
they were misrepresented
because i once tried to
press my genitals on all the
baseball cards i planned
to burn on the fourteenth
of december which is a few
days before my birthday. buy
me presents.
2674
there was a historian who

wanted to buy my leftover
holiday meat, but i already
sold it to a lobbyist who was
trying to pass legislation
that would outlaw the use
of uniforms in all forms of
childhood athletics.
2675
a man parked his automobile

in front of my snowman and
drew swastikas on all my
baby trophies from when my
genitals were elected the
most beautifully altered
organs
in
the
entire
universe.
2676
some of the professional

journalists who taught me
how to believe real ideas
found out that my genitals
had
never
performed
plastic surgery and all my
trophies and snowmen were
burned.
2677
i think i want to become

a professional music performer and never write
anything ever again even
though i dont know how to
play any instruments and
everyone who would have
ever wanted to be in my
band either died or told me
they never wanted to talk
to me ever again.
2678
there was a shirt for sale

yesterday. it had squeaky
fabric. i didnt buy it because
i was afraid i would never
be able to fall asleep ever
again.
2679
i wanted to wear a jacket

that had multiple hidden
pockets so i could fill all
the pockets with nacho
chips.
2680
the person who owned most

of the nacho chips in the
world used to be a crosscountry-running star in
college, but he started to
snort his own nachos and
people thought he was on
steroids so they peed on him
until he ran away forever
to live in a cave.
2681
i tried to buy a hot chocolate

made from dark chocolate
flavored chapstick, but
then i smelled someone
cooking a sandwich and i had
to go home to masturbate.
2682
the person who used the

internet was worried that
someone would make a movie about their life and in
the movie the person would
be played by a bag of dead
sharks that had all been
unhappy then they died.
2683
a thousand motionless trees

watched
forty-thousand
flightless birds try to float
high enough to nibble on
the good tasting branches.
2684
the snowman at the edge

of the cliff where all
snowman go to either melt
or get fat said, someone
somewhere in the world
needs to make a politically
entertaining
idea
that
takes into account the
contextualization of sex/
golf/puppies.
2685
the last masculine sandwich

that made me touch my
genitals was made out of
spicy concrete and hair
animals.
2686
my favorite movies used to

involve people who lived in
the mouth of a person who
was made of clay and who
didnt know how to legally
drive an automobile in bad
weather.
2687
a friend of mine bought a

discount haircut from a
desert penguin that sold
temporary
pagodas
to
entrepreneurs who werent
very
good
at
making
equitable decisions.
2688
the guy who was responsible

for making coughs in my
brain retired last night
and the new guy that i hired
only liked to eat desserts
made from dairy machines.
2689
i decided to buy an
automobile so i could get a
license plate that said, i y
d t m i w e y a w m g which
means, if you dont touch me
i will eat your automobile
with my genitals.
2690
the religious community

told me i had to do a better
job being like everyone else
in the world.
2691
there was a painting on the

side of my face and it was
created so the world would
enjoy it when i tried to cut
off my own head and sell it
for six-hundred-thousand
dollars.
2692
the dinosaur that was

supposed to eat everyone at
the end of the movie did not
eat everyone and instead
filled his mouth with noise
that sounded like the time i
said, more good ideas need
to climb inside my laptop so
i can glue my laptop to the
side of my face and yell at
the other laptop/glue/idea
heads.
2693
there
were
multiple
reasons why i didnt want
anyone to sew a new face on
my face, but one of the most
important reasons was that
i was afraid that my old
face would eat my nipples
if it got replaced.
2694
too many people were old

and not enough of those old
people had been properly
taught how not to die.
2695
one of the most valuable

things that i learned from
the internet gods was that
my own jesus power is the
same jesus power that
taught all jesus babies how
to use a laptop to create
objects that feel through
the love of beeps and flashy
lights.
2696
were there people in

our laptops or were our
laptops living breathing
people that weve touched
too much?
2697
a few weeks ago i was paid

to look good, but i took off
all my cake and it wasnt
until i finished eating the
cake that i realized i didnt
look good when i wasnt
wearing cake and i probably
wouldnt get paid.
2698
if you didnt know how to

touch me when i was dressed
like a snowball that had
emotionally caught on fire
then i probably wouldnt
let you touch my birthday
candles when it was time to
touch my birthday candles.
2699
people need to do a better

job of being people or else
someday people wont exist.
2700
i was going to make a movie

about how to dress like you
own a lot of jackets when
you actually dont own any
jackets, but the guy who
was going sponsor my movie
owned a jacket.
2701
halfway through my most

recent toilet operation
i realized i didnt have a
toilet and had to order a
new toilet before i could
finish the operation.
2702
i picked up a salt shaker and

emptied it in my mouth and
when i was done i threw the
empty object at the moon.
nothing happened. i spent
the rest of my life yelling
at the moon for not making
enough noise.
2703
The Sequel To The Movie That Was

Almost Over Maybe
a book about the sequel to the movie that was almost over
maybe
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
The Sequel To The Movie That Was Almost Over Maybe

a book about the sequel to the movie that was almost over maybe
This book was written on December 9th 2012. Its an image

of a tiger on a t-shirt.
The Sequel To The Movie That Was Almost Over Maybe
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. noises. feelings. emotions. arms.]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., fourteen distinct emotions.
Originally published by the guy who owns the rivers.
ISBN-10: 0615741789
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. I have been standing
all morning. 3. The people who arent standing are asking
why Im standing. 4. I realized I wasnt standing. 5. Im not
sure why I originally thought I was standing.
a guy waiting for something
June 2012
someone made a sequel to a

movie that was still being
watched because it hadnt
ended yet.
2707
the original movie was very

slow. only two or three
things
happened
every
couple of days.
2708
the sequel to the movie

still being watched did not
take very long to make. it
was finished before anyone
even finished watching the
original.
2709
it took three or four

thousand days to completely
watch the original movie.
2710
my boyfriend was in the

original movie, but he had
a minor part. he played an
urban convenience store.
his shelves were beige.
2711
after the movie was released

my boyfriend got famous
because every movie needed
an
urban
convenience
store. he broke up with me.
i started dating a guy who
dressed like a mirror.
2712
before i turned into a

leaf, i was the professional
quarterback for the denver
twinkle/thingy/horses.
2713
i was pretty good at being

a twinkle. all my twinkles
had their own twinkles. one
of my twinkles was holding
a balloon that was wearing
a mustache.
2714
no one was better at

throwing the rabbit skin.
i threw it like it was a bag
of children that needed to
be tossed in a very safe and
comfortable ditch.
2715
i threw the football so good

that no one could catch it
but me. sometimes i threw it
farther than anyone but me
could run and i would run
until i caught the football
and people gave me the
touchdown award.
2716
a lot of people did not

like me and said, you cant
throw the ball to yourself,
but i had already done what
they told me i couldnt do
so it made them feel like
they were dirty, no-good
liars and that only made
them more angry at me.
2717
then the people who owned

the football helmets were
tired of me being so good
that they turned everyone
into a leaf.
2718
i was so good that i made

everyone feel bad. its like
when you eat ice cream and
you eat it so well that you
feel bad for the rest of
your life.
2719
the horse twinkles told

me that i was not allowed
to touch the rabbit skin
anymore because my hands
had turned into ice cream.
2720
over one-hundred bodies

were on fire, but it was
a good kind of fire and
everyone felt good until
they celebrated with ice
cream and ate it so well
they felt bad.
2721
one of the ice cream cones

only cost a nickel and
its mom was a t-shirt that
sometimes got worn by a
guy who thought he was
a discount urban medical
supply store.
2722
someone
began
playing
dance music because they
thought the president of
a small egyptian town in
illinois was going to show
up at the party, but only the
usual shrimp dip was at the
party.
2723
the cake baby was sad

before it got dressed like
an ice cream cone and
was tackled by my rabbit
skin jeans during its prefootball career.
2724
there was a sign in the

bathroom that said, dont
put all the toilet paper
above the toilet because
toilet paper likes jumping
in toilets and it cant be
used once its wet.
2725
i sent the computer people

one of the noises i sometimes
made when i made noises
and they turned the noise
into a computer people.
2726
before i was a pillowcase i

was plugged into a computer
and there were data files,
but i could not touch any
of them because my doctor
told me i would get too fat
if i ate all the data files.
2727
i used to like watching

movies that didnt know
how to be watched, but now
everyone likes watching
movies that dont know how
to be watched and it doesnt
feel as fun as it used to and
im kind of surprised that
i used to not know how to
watch movies that didnt
know how to be watched.
2728
there was an airplane near

my soup, but i was paranoid
so i didnt eat the soup.
2729
i asked a person if she had

my popcorn tin, but the
popcorn was sold by a store
that was not nice to my dog
because last christmas i
dressed as a popcorn tin
and everyone thought i was
the grumpy old man who
liked to leave his burning
christmas trees in the town
swimming pool.
2730
there was a time when

people werent leaves and
i had to put the ice on my
lava so i wouldnt get too
excited and burn down all
the non-leafs.
2731
the original movie was

almost made of yellow
pudding, but the sequel
would have eaten the
original
because
the
sequels favorite thing to
talk about is eating yellow
pudding.
2732
one of the ears on the pizza

owned a sword that i had
once owned when i used
to have four or five ears
growing on the middle of
my face.
2733
i wanted to change my life,

but i hadnt yet watched the
movie that would explain to
me how to change my life.
2734
when the people in my

life wouldnt be as nice as
the person that only had
dogs and ice cream then
i created an angry place
in my forehead and i went
there on vacation for thirty
or forty hours.
2735
the person who used to be a

snowman thought he could
dress up like a butterkite
net, but all the butterkite
nets were busy trying to
catch butterkites so the
person who used to be a
snowman melted until he
was a carrot.
2736
i once only ate shrimp boys

when i was on an island made
of wooden sauce forks.
2737
one of the people who made

me shrimp milkshakes was a
clone and he had the same
haircut as me.
2738
a bear couldnt talk to the

police because i had already given them all my
shrimp milkshakes.
2739
my jean shorts were not

friends with the wallet
that owned my bank account
so i had no money.
2740
in the movie about the life

of a peanut, the person who
ate the first peanut was
discovered in a hut near
an abandoned ocean three
billion years beneath the
surface of the earth.
2741
i bought a small delicate

man. he had two hats.
my leather jacket was
fourteen. it was dating
a lawn chair. one of my
brothers had an enlarged
head. i broke all his toys.
the small delicate man
glued them back together.
2742
after the football helmets

turned me into a leaf, i
bought a leather boy and
turned him into a rabbit
skin that i could throw
over the forehead of a guy
that was an antler.
2743
someone made a movie

that was the sequel to the
sequel of another movie
that was not even finished
being made yet.
2744
in the sequel to the original

sequel about my ice cream
someone made my ice cream
eat another ice cream.
2745
a guy who didnt have any

bags for any of the things
inside his body put all his
food in external pockets
that he carried in a basket
that he wore on the top of
his head.
2746
the sequel to the original

sequel was created as an
educational instructional
video technique that had
once been married to a guy
that i taught how to make
sweat while only using one
inch of a brain.
2747
the
person
who
was
supposed to show up early
didnt show up until later.
2748
there was a machine that

made sweaters for people
that werent qualified to
wear sweaters.
2749
i used to have a pretty loud

mouth, but it did not know
how to dance alone so i had
to spend most of my evenings
around other people with
loud mouths.
2750
all we had to do was install

a pair of rabbit skin jeans on
my thighs, but i realized my
thighs were already made
of rabbit skin.
2751
each of the arms attached

to the arms that were
attached to my television
wre made from an egg that
used to live in new york
city and worked a job as a
puppy that had once been
a poor struggling graphic
designer.
2752
i
heard
some
people
yelling, but they were in
the normal area of the
emotional space that we all
have to enterso we dont
hurt ourselveswhen we
decide to make loud noises
with our lives.
2753
there was nothing about my

arm that made me excited.
2754
my
childhood
dentist
stopped selling his fingers
to other peoples mouths.
2755
i tried to look in the mirror,

but some people that
didnt have pig noses were
crowding the mirror space
and i had to go outside and
sit in a puddle to realize
who i was.
2756
there was a hot beautiful

love affair being had in
the husband vehicle that i
thought about buying.
2757
the motivated powerful

light bulb that influenced
all the other light bulbs
did not know how to be
powerful and influential
and eventually a different
light bulb became the most
powerful and influential
light bulb in the world.
2758
a soda machine tried to plug

my eyeball into the juicy
sprouts, but i convinced the
new york mets to give me
a lot of money not to plug
my eyeball into the juicy
sprouts.
2759
A Blade Of Grass That Enjoyed Making

Pottery
a book about a blade of grass that enjoyed making pottery
Mark Baumer
BUSINESS KITTENS
A Blade Of Grass That Enjoyed Making Pottery
a book about a blade of grass that enjoyed making pottery
This book was written on December 9th 2012. Its the son of
the garbage man.
A Blade Of Grass That Enjoyed Making Pottery
38 Pleasant St
Providence RI 02906
1 5 0 1 I N F O U S A
[words. english. the last book ever written]
50+pgs., 1.3 cm., a space in the mind where babies live.
Originally published by the love pigeon.
ISBN-10: 0615741819
1. Baumer, Mark, 1983-(still living). 2. This is the least
magical of all the magical things. 3. We are not quite aliens.
4. Lets all touch each other. 5. I was dressed in clothes once.
the worst pictures ever taken of the foods that live in a bad
place
June 2012
everyone has the power to

be minotaur poop.
2763
but we all choose to be

human which is why humans
are not minotaur poop.
2764
the goal of humanity should

be to fill our mouths to the
point of asphyxiation.
2765
then
we
will
grow
blowholes on the back of
our heads like the whale
machines.
2766
i was once a whale machine

inside the large-bodied salt
pond of my fathers sperm
whale as it floated towards
the mother ocean.
2767
this program was created

to inspire people not to
let their brains turn into
armpits.
2768
emotional responses are

systematic plans that our
bodies created so we dont
deflate every time someone
stops breathing on us.
2769
if my name was tom then

i would try to eat every
other person named tom
until there was only one
tom left in the world.
2770
people wear belts so that

when the world is ignoring
them it still feels like they
are getting hugged.
2771
someday, after i have eaten

the most impossible piece
of ordinary food left in
the world everyone who
was here tonight will say,
i remember when he could
barely even put a small
fragment of something
ordinary in his mouth
without passing out.
2772
recently, a store near my

house tried to sell me a
baby.
2773
the
argument
against
owning guns is very simple.
men dont need guns because
their penis thing can be a
gun. no one will rob a man
if he takes out his penis
and starts shooting it at
people. its not so easy for
girls unless their boobs are
lasers. its probably okay
for girls to carry around
machine guns.
2774
dont trust police officers

that pretend to make
rainbow faces around your
grandmother because i once
heard someone tell me that
the police are paid to kill
people who have been living
for too long.
2775
why isnt money made out of

hamburgers?
2776
people need to start

wearing seagulls on their
face instead of sunglasses.
2777
i bought seven chickens

named franklin because i
heard a secret that you can
trade seven chickens for a
bmw if all the chickens are
named franklin.
2778
the large green man who

lives in our bodies likes to
be fed other large green
men so we should all only
eat large green men.
2779
if people in your brain want

you to smoke crack then it is
important for your mental
stability that you smoke a
little crack so the people
in your brain dont feel like
you were ignoring them and
start to pee on your brain.
2780
i was at a party yesterday and

a bunch of angry dads were
cutting off pieces of their
stomachs and throwing
them on the bonfire.
2781
ive always been afraid of

headbutting other people
because i didnt want to get
poop on my face.
2782
when i dress up like a person

i usually look like a pork
tart, but when i try to put
thirty or forty pork tarts
in my mouth at the same
time i look like a person
who believes he is god.
2783
all the grass pedals will

eventually stop being grass
pedals and humans will
have to pretend to be the
grass pedals.
2784
i was touching the rubbing

area of my body, but i was
not rubbing it so it did not
feel good.
2785
it was a birthday party

somewhere in north america
so i rubbed my eyeball in my
armpit.
2786
i once went on a date with

something that did not own
any black leather pants so
i painted my entire body
the shape of black leather
pants and let them wear me.
2787
more people need to stand

next to the highway and
hold signs that say, i like
ice cream.
2788
yesterday, i climbed inside

an automobile that promised
to give me ice cream and
the automobile drove me to
a farm that had ice cream
with meat things which was
nice because i have never
eaten an ice cream made
out of meat and most of the
meat-flavored ice creams
tasted like blueberries
if blueberries were only
allowed to eat steak.
2789
a disabled man always asks

me to lick his face when im
done eating.
2790
i went to an elementary
school and tried to kiss
the small pouch of meat in
everyones breast pocket,
but none of the children
had any meat in their breast
pockets.
2791
my hair was not curly

enough to win all the
presents that people with
curly hair get every day
for having curly hair.
2792
i made a wig out of all the

leftover food in my suitcase
that i brought back with me
from place where people
dont have enough to eat
because i stole it all.
2793
over one-hundred people

were happy last night
because the factory where
artificial blueberry smells
are made was giving out
free samples to people who
liked artificial blueberry
smells.
2794
the thing that wasnt supposed to change anything

ended up not changing anything and all the people
who thought things were
going to change had to keep
doing the same things they
had always done with their
lives.
2795
i was going to go to the small

town of japan oklahoma, but
my snowmobile broke and
i had to sell it for a new
necklace of teeth that i
wear around my head incase
im ever out to dinner and
all my regular teeth fall
out.
2796
there was a twinkle on the

roof so i climbed on the
roof and tried to catch
the twinkle, but it wasnt
actually a twinkle it was
just a man holding a dime
over his left nipple.
2797
i was at a fast food

restaurant, straddling the
grease machine. someone
asked me if i was scared. i put
all the grease in my boot and
then wore my grease boot
to the parade celebrating
some uneducated people to
prove i wasnt scared.
2798
i sometimes rent the inside

part of my brain where
other people sometimes live
when their brains wont let
them party.
2799
the awkward sex that

everyone
makes
will
eventually become normal
and people will either have
to get better at sex or make
sex even more awkward by
wearing mittens and mouth
condoms or something.
2800
a bunch of guys stood in a

room made of televisions
and tried to all hump a
football at the same time
without touching
each
others genitals.
2801
a guy who liked to get

rubbed by white people
crawled in his own ass
cave and waited for all
the clouds and rainbows to
turn into gumdrops filled
with white people who had
extra arms for rubbing.
2802
two people were watching

the same movie at the same
time from inside the same
body.
2803
four teenage boys painted

upside-down crosses on
their eyelids and then
stood on their heads.
2804
i bought a pink frosted

piece of dirt and tried to
put it in my mouth, but my
mouth was already filled
with blue frosted pieces of
dirt that i found in a ditch.
2805
if everyone won a million

dollars except me then
i would still be happy
because i would put five
hundred bags of candy in
my mouth and rob a bank.
2806
all the people who were

invited to the parking
lot where people like
to park their cars were
disappointed
because
i
told them there was free
barbeque meats, but there
wasnt any free barbeque
meats.
2807
when i used to be short

some of the other people
in my neighborhood didnt
dress like people because
they were made of wood
and were trees.
2808
a bunch of people were

looking for me when i was
thirty-five because i was
pretending to be an egg and
i wore a live chicken on my
head.
2809
i was going to watch a

television show about a lot
of young guys who put too
much food in their mouths,
but it made me too sad
because i had already been
young and i had already put
too much food in my mouth.
2810
at two in the morning i like

to lie face down on things
that i own and pretend i
dont know how to move
while not even realizing
that i dont know how to
pretend i dont know how
to move.
2811
i used to think i would grow

up to be the kind of guy that
had a small hairy lady who
sat on his head while he ate
crispy potatoes.
2812
unfortunately, less than

one-hundred
people
enjoyed
the
artificial
blueberries that i rented
from
the
artificial
blueberry factory and when
i tried to get my money back
the factory turned into a
feather and poked me in the
eye before flying away.
2813
i used to be a speck of
dust that thought he was a
mouth made of cheese that
only ate cookies.
2814
yesterday, i was sitting in

an empty location by myself
while i tried to play a funny
game that no one thought
was funny.
2815

Fifty Books by Mark Baumer

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Fifty Books by Mark Baumer

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Fifty Books

the time I wrote fifty books in a year

a book about a boy with one good lip

After I finished doing grad school I got really

without any snowflakes on it. I dont know if it was

bent out of shape from being homeless. I dont really

who was busy pushing around her mom in a

she was calling me, but I vaguely remembered applying

account learned how to breathe again. I used some of

maybe they had and were being nice. Part of me figured

September I had written and published thirty books. I

The Boy With One Good

THE BOY WITH ONE GOOD LIP

an image of a raindrop that

The glass of milk that had been

an image of an idea that will exist

Everyone in the world moved

[insert a button that when pressed can solve

all the problems associated with non-good

The boy with one good lip

[insert images of an abundance of spiritual

thoughts that were turned into crabs who

The boy with one good lip was

[insert a man who is smiling because he is

The one good lip began to scream

[insert an image of a guy who likes to make

A guy whose hair had been

a police siren that just wants to be

The empty space where the other

a bottle of shampoo for people

The good lip was tired of being a

a picture of a man with two large

The boy with one good lip asked

[insert an image of an ant eating an entire

One of the lips on the boy with

an image of a commercial that has

The boy with one good lip began

an image that is amazed by the

The lip that was not connected

[insert an image of a guy pressing a piece of

The boy with one good lip asked

[insert an image of a woman teaching her

Two boys were waiting for

[insert an image of a guy organizing his life

The good lung looked at the

an image of a guy with feathers

Insert a vague idea that isnt really

[insert an image that is simple and has not

Last year, the creamy boss stopped

[insert an image of a dinosaur the size of a

A glass of milk shrugged for

learned how to have ideas that her life

her ideas. She sold some of her ideas so she could

[insert an image of an image that has never

In Tokiyo, Oklahoma there are

[insert an image of a guy who likes to make

A boy inserted a bottle of

[insert an image of a guy playing the drums

even though he doesnt have any lips or

The boy with one good lip asked

an image of an almond eating

The boy with one good lip was

[insert an image of someone pressing a

The boy with one good lip