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A FEW WORDS FROM THE

WET BLANKET
AT THE MYSTICS' ORGY

Being a profoundly shallow analysis of various popular delusions and mass madnesses
by Dee Bunker, C.P.C. (Certified Professional Consultant)
aka Connie L. Schmidt, C.N.D.P. (Certifiable Non-Degreed Professional)
"We believe as much as we can. We would believe everything if we could."
~ William James

A true cynic might argue that the main attraction re angels and crystals and UFOs and channeling and those
experiential workshops and feel-good seminars and such is that these things are basically so darned entertaining and as a culture we're bored out of our skulls and constantly seeking new forms of entertainment. Assuming for the
moment that our cynic is right, then as your designated Wet Blanket I have to say that this penchant for amusement
at all costs could mean big trouble. The acclaimed Latin American author Carlos Fuentes wrote in a recent newspaper
column: "We are, argues Neil Postman, the New York University educator and social critic, Amusing Ourselves to
Death - to quote his insightful book title...Not that there is anything inherently evil in good old entertainment. The
danger lies in its supplanting important, meaningful information."
I've cited Sr. Fuentes a bit out of context, for he was writing about the recent Disney/Capital Cities/ABC merger, not
the new age movement. But I've co-opted his argument because it applies here too. And though I hardly qualify for
the title of true cynic, I have my moments.
I suppose a bit of time out to state my agenda is in order. I've often described myself as being a refugee from the new
age movement, leaning heavily towards the skeptical side but trying hard not to make a religion out of skepticism. In
truth, I'm a confirmed fence-sitter, and there's a lot to be said for fence-sitting, particularly because it's so easy to get
caught up in the fracas if you climb down on either side. The writer Ron Kaye said, "The argument between the
paranormalists and the hard-core skeptics is all too often an argument not of logic, but of conflicting arrogance." Not
to mention outright war. I am sorry to say this is not going to be the editorial that paves the way to peace between
the two camps. This is going to be a shameless letting-off of steam - my own brand of arrogance, as it were.
For though I may not be a true cynic, long-term exposure to what poet Leonard Cohen once called "the flabby liars of
the Aquarian Age" has convinced me that there's much to be said for the cynic's-eye view of cultural trends. For
example, can anyone honestly say that the entertainment angle is not a big factor in the new age / self-help
subculture? I think not. After all, there's hardly anything worth watching on TV (except during sweeps week, when
they drag out all those angel and UFO shows), and there's a lot of trash spewing out of the film industry, and few of
us can afford to take a spiritual trek to Tibet or a sabbatical to some remote paradise. Life is just so mundane. Ah, but
add crystals and shamans and Star People to the formula, and you have something to get excited about. Throw in a
dash of feel-goodism and excellence-for-the-masses (doesn't anyone see the oxymoronic, or maybe just moronic,
nature of the latter concept?), and you have the makings of a religion, which, like all good religions, is affordable
entertainment.
Or make that relatively affordable entertainment. A lot of this stuff ain't free. You either pay your money up front, or
you get gently hounded into making a "love donation." The up-front fee is a more honest approach, but that really
doesn't say anything for the actual value of what you're paying for.
Take those weekend personal-growth workshops... please. These things have been going on in their present form for
at least a quarter of a century, but there are always new generations of converts, as well as new twists on old
philosophies. People are still paying premium rates to be confined to motor-inn conference rooms with militantly ugly

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carpeting, and all for the privilege of sitting in uncomfortable chairs for excruciatingly long periods of time, waiting for
that moment of insight which will transform everything. The high points of these weekends usually involve screaming,
hugging, crying and the like. I've always suspected the reason folks feel so high at workshop's end is that they're so
glad it's over.
And all those business and real estate seminars are just as bad, the only difference being that they're somewhat
quieter and a little less emotional; instead of hugging, screaming, etc., there's rampant networking and, even though
the 1980s are over, lots of prattle about "excellence" and "empowerment."
Anyway, the net result is the same: after all those hours of self-punishment, the participants' natural opiates are
working overtime. Thus are the seeds of zealotry planted, causing the new graduates to spew forth into the real world
and become earnest and obnoxious proselytizers - at least until the next seminar comes down the pike and they're off
to be converted again.
Of course, religion has always served a deeper purpose than mere entertainment, as even our cynic must concede.
"Into the Universe and Why not knowing," lamented Khayym, concluding, "And out of it, as Wind...I know not
whither, willy-nilly blowing." Indeed, most of us can't stand not having the buffer of a Great Why behind all this mess.
I want there to be a Why, but that surely doesn't mean there is one, or that one is even necessary. Religion, anyway,
purports to give us a Why; the problem is that it does require the proverbial leap of faith - and too many people, upon
taking that leap, find themselves in a swamp of sticky dogma. But the bulk of humanity stays in the swamp for fear of
the Great Willy-Nilly who looms on the bank. Ambiguity is generally avoided like unwanted relatives.
On the other hand, there are those who, being playfully bold in a new-age sort of way, take the opposite tack and
embrace not mere ambiguity but actual chaos. For several years now, chaos has been all the rage among some of the
trendy folk, and you, too, can be a part of this exciting movement. For starters, there's a slew of glossy, expensively
produced books about chaos; you can buy them and toss them into your Greenpeace knapsack along with your books
on mindfulness and inner-childishness and global consciousness. If you're really pretentious (our cynic might add), you
can claim to understand how chaos works - not that there aren't people who do understand it, of course, but for the
most part you probably won't find them at your local esoteric guild or metaphysical learning center. Anyway, if you're
clever you can use your "understanding" of chaos to support whatever philosophy or treatment or way of life you're
hawking.
Towards this end, don't be afraid to invent big, scientific-sounding words. English is a flexible language, and most
people won't even ask what those huge words mean, for fear of seeming unintelligent and not up-to-date...Oh, but
don't get me started on the language issue. Neal Gabler said it better than I can when he wrote, "George Orwell told
us there would be days like these...days when language would be denatured of all meaning; days when the
foundations of knowledge would begin to crack..." I'm quoting Gabler out of context too - for the record, he was
writing about the O.J. Simpson trial and its effect on our epistemology, and he, by his own admission, was citing
Orwell out of context - nevertheless, the Orwellian reference applies equally well to the new-age/self-help culture's
ravishment of the English language. They have euphemized and jargonized the mother tongue to the point that I
worry about the future of language as a legitimate means of communication.
There is, at any rate, a pretty wide range of "things we do to forget we're doomed," in the words of the eloquent
social commentator Joe Bob Briggs. And whether we dance with chaos or march to the beat of the Ten
Commandments, it's apparent that humanity as a whole still hungers for the Why, and hungers even more when
contemplating all those threats (real and perceived) that seem more ominous as we lurch towards the end of the
millennium. The apocalyptic viewpoint doesn't seem like mere pessimism anymore, and we can't be sure if that loud
pounding in our ears is the sound of our own hearts or the thud of hoofbeats. Is it any wonder that some of us look to
the Star People for salvation? Here we are, whirling through space on this noisy and crowded rock that we bipeds
have made such a fine mess of; isn't it a natural that the old deus ex machina is looking better and better all the
time?
Not surprisingly, there's a hefty portion of capitalism behind all this too. I'm not one to knock capitalism - after all, I'm
not giving this book away - but it does sometimes make strange bedfellows with the mythic and the arcane. Look at
the current rage for mythological images. In the past few years a booming business has arisen in magic stones and
sacred feathers and all manner of shamanistic accouterments. Indeed, the collective unconscious has been ransacked
by new-age yuppie capitalists. The myths of the world have become downright trendy, the sacred images picked
clean. Everyone's who's not a Zen master is a shaman these days. The Native American contingent is pissed off about
this, and small wonder: we've stolen all their land and now we're trying to lay claim to their religions too. So much of
it comes back down to boredom and, possibly, to the Decaying Empire syndrome. The point is that a lot of money
ends up exchanging hands. There are those who are getting wealthy off this stuff, and most of them are not Indians.

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Besides the exploitative side of capitalism, the New age phenomenon in particular has also given rise to much
silliness, and so much of it is unnecessary, even when viewed from the entertainment angle. Dolphins, for example,
are perfectly fascinating in themselves. They smile, they play, they're clever, they make those cute noises, and some
of them will even have sex with humans. I read that in Penthouse so I'm sure it's true. I certainly do not advocate
inter-species sex, of course; my point is it's not necessary to believe, as some fringe elements do, that dolphins are a
race of enlightened alien beings who are sacrificing themselves for the greater good of humanity.
And (moving on to more mainstream silliness), multi-culturalism is a fine concept, but it becomes a sham when it is
presented at the cost of trashing the contributions of Western/European civilization, which, after all, was chiefly
responsible for giving rise to a society that affords us the leisure time to dream up multi-culturalism in its present
form. Such a sophisticated worldview does not, it seems, come naturally to our species. All cultures, from the most
"primitive" to the most "advanced," are inclined to put themselves at the center of the known universe. How about all
those Native American tribes who referred to themselves as "The People?" Doesn't that say something about how
they perceived everyone else? We all cut our teeth on warped histories. Leonard Cohen (whom I just can't stop
quoting), wrote, "History is a needle / for putting men asleep / anointed with the poison / of all they want to keep."
If that is true, then this is also so: to awaken from our sleep and seek a larger worldview is an anomaly in human
experience, and it is also a luxury afforded mainly to those who have the advantages of education, time on their
hands, and technology (or - pardon my political incorrectness - servants) to take care of the grunge work.
And take this inter-connectedness notion. Not only is it applied to the global consciousness/seamless-web school of
thought, but it is further used in an attempt to bring the arts and sciences together in a huge group hug. Now, it may
be true that to see how music and mathematics and sculpture and physics are related to each other is to understand
the world a little better. Indeed, the quest for that "silver thread" of connection between diverse concepts or paths or
people is always a worthy one. But I've found that in new-age culture, things often get carried too far and the whole
mess becomes a mushy and unrecognizable soup. It's not enough that poor old science is hauled out and waved
around like a trophy to prove the existence of God or to verify the claims of quartz-crystal hawkers. No, the disciplines
and traditions of all the arts and sciences are pulverized and thrown into the communal pot, with the explanation that
everything is related. In some cases one detects the unspoken hope that if enough ingredients are thrown into the
soup, the chef's lack of skill and knowledge can be cleverly disguised.
Or maybe that's just my "stuff." Perhaps, for example, if I had a true understanding of quantum physics (as all the
new thinkers seem to), I'd be able to apply the belief-is-reality principle to my own life, thereby creating a whole new
world of prosperity and abundance - or at least a house with an extra bathroom.
Many new-agers have alleged that science is too rigid and stuffy and that it needs to loosen up, that scientists need to
learn how to talk to each other and to the rest of us. There is truth in the latter allegation at least - I too think the
geeks should come out of their labs and let the rest of us know what they're up to - but the frantic drive to
interconnect-ize the world is no more useful than a hostile or elitist separatism. Soup, indeed: Silly Soup.
Although I have been targeting the new age with my invective, this doesn't mean that I think the new age movement
has no value. It is, if nothing else, a symptom of our culture's restlessness with the old Judaeo-Christian spiel (and,
again, a sign of our profound boredom). Certainly it is an indication of the depth of humanity's hunger for the
mystical, and even I can't deny an affinity for mysticism. At least it's safer than most drugs.
But I can push aside my own mysticism enough to see that it is not absolutely necessary to give the world a mystical
framework in order to find it a place of endless wonderment.
And, I hasten to add, my lambasting of Aquarian-age phenomena does not mean that I'm letting the fundamentalists
off the hook. It is certainly not my intention to give the born-agains any ammunition, because I have, if anything, an
even stronger quarrel with them than I do with the crystal fondlers and UFO "experiencers." Cowardice alone keeps
me from making the religious right the main targets of my satire (oh, how I long to lampoon that Christian men's
group Promise Keepers, and may yet do so); unfortunately, so many religious types have a tendency to react rather
intensely to criticism in any form. They are really not very good sports, whereas new-agers, by and large, are. But I
think it's safe to say that in many cases the evangelical set is more interested in political and social power than in
helping people experience God; furthermore, despite their righteous claims to the contrary, I do not think those who
have Found the Lord hold the key to reversing the crash of the empire. Given a choice between folks who
thunderously proclaim that AIDS is God's punishment to homosexuals, and those who actively support education,
prevention, compassion and the search for a cure, I'll take the latter group, thank you.
And since we're on the subject of born-againism...I strongly feel that any public official concerned about education

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should protest not only low SAT scores and math illiteracy, but also the Creationists' efforts to dumb-down science and
literature textbooks in the schools. Right-wingers are wetting their pants because they see evidence of new age ideas
infiltrating the schools. Now, this is certainly something to watch out for, what with the random silliness and the
tyranny of Eco-Political Correctness; P.C., no matter how well-intentioned, is at best an instrument of obfuscation and
at worst the Thought Police. But I'm much more worried about all those born-again censors and creation "science"
advocates. What are we to do about the loud righteous factions who, in the name of the Lord, would ban Kurt
Vonnegut and The Wizard of Oz and John Steinbeck and Maurice Sendak? What's going to happen if the science texts
are finally overtaken by those who, also in the name of the Lord, insist that the earth is only 10,000 years old and
that dinosaur remains were planted here by the Creator to test our faith?
Having said all this, I do not categorically reject all new-age ideas and traditional religious sentiments. They stem
from profound human needs, and besides, as I have to keep reminding myself, one should really keep an open mind
about everything. The problem, of course, is that it's so easy to stumble over that sometimes-fine line which
separates open-mindedness from credulity. The grief is that we too often fail to recognize hucksterism for what it is,
because it often comes so nicely wrapped in a pretty package of good vibes and trendy jargon and big words or, for
traditionalists, righteousness and salvation.
There is, however, a golden mean between nodding-head gullibility and sneering cynicism. Achieving this mean
requires critical thinking and a good healthy dose of skepticism, both of which can co-exist with a belief in the deity of
choice (though purists on both sides would argue this point). Anyway, whether we lean towards piety, agnosticism or
atheism, we owe it to ourselves and our children to practice and encourage critical thinking and skepticism, even if
Judaeo-Christian or other orthodoxies suffer as much as do new age ideologies.
The point is that we should never stop asking questions and should always pay attention to our doubts, even if they
make us or those around us uncomfortable and threaten to shake our own or anyone else's complacency...the Baptist
preacher's complacency, the astrologer's complacency, the rabbi's complacency, the crystal peddler's complacency. We
need to openly seek the "yeah-but" in every argument. This does not mean we should be afraid to take a stand; it
does mean that when we eventually do take a stand it will be based on something more than a transient passion or
some quack's messianic ambitions. And maybe we shouldn't be so afraid to court ambiguity. We humans seem to have
a genetic loathing for ambiguity, and when we see it floating around in the swamp, we try to ignore it. If we find it
swimming towards us and we can't get away, we pick it up in horror, holding our noses, and fling it on to the bank
where the Willy-Nilly lives.
This is a mistake, because ambiguity can be more entertaining than the Star People and the Ascended Masters and a
wild-person weekend all rolled up in one.
One final note: There are certain basic rules about honor and commitment that apply no matter which path one
chooses. Many of us have seen these basic rules grievously violated by new agers and traditional religious types alike.
So it pays to shop around. No matter how lofty that philosophy or "Way of Life" sounds when it comes from the mouth
of some sincere, sustainable-world-advocating Toastmaster smoothie who has surrealistically white teeth and a power
hairdo...it's wise to dig beyond the merchandising. Writer Ron Kaye advises that you look in their eyes, and if what
you see there does not reflect what they say, stay the hell away. That's very good advice, and there is some
checking-up you can do on a strictly pragmatic level too. If the philosophy/technique/way of life/religion does not
support responsible - and moral - behavior, in the material world, on a day-to-day basis, you might seriously question
its value.
And lest I wind up sounding as mystically abstract as a new-ager when I talk about "supporting responsible and moral
behavior," let me clarify. There are many ways we can check up on people and organizations. Do they pay their bills?
Are any lawsuits or other actions pending against them? Of course, the mere existence of a lawsuit is not necessarily
a red light, given today's litigious climate and the huge number of frivolous suits, but it's wise to get all the facts you
can before you make a commitment. What about any hidden agendas or undisclosed affiliations, such as being a front
for some loathsome racist organization, or being owned by some obscenely wealthy church? This is the Information
Age, and information, like spiritual enlightenment, is available for those who seek it.
Oh, yes, and a little knowledge of the metaphysical territory helps too; that way it's easy to weed out the gardenvariety flakes who are serving up a warmed-over goulash of stuff lifted from the Kabbalah, the Kama Sutra and the
Ukrainian Book of the Dead.
In the end, it really doesn't matter if we seek solace via crystals or Catholicism, colonics or charismatic Christianity or
Confucianism. In the larger scheme, these things are all just so many bright shiny objects strewn along the road.

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Some of us are more easily attracted than others by bright objects, but all of us, if we're wise, will allow a part of
ourselves to pretend we're dealing with Gremlins, and this will help us remember the three rules: First, we should
keep our eyes wide open, for there are tricksters everywhere. Second, we should wear a sturdy pair of boots, because
it gets messy in the swamps. And third and most important of all: we must refuse to abandon rationality, for
rationality is what impels us to question everything - which keeps us from becoming nodding-head dolls when we find
ourselves in the presence of piffle.
Copyright (c) 1991, 1996 by Connie L. Schmidt
Published in Cosmic Relief: Honoring & Celebrating The Global Paradigm Shaft

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