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How to raise an eldest child

By Ines Bautista-Yao for Yahoo Philippines 23 hours ago


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Like it or not, birth order affects how we raise our kids


I am an eldest child, but I never felt like it was a blessing. I had to take care of
my sisters and cousins growing up and whenever there was a problem, I had
to fix it or take the blame. Then I had my firstborn. And the attention lavished
upon her actually shocked me. And I couldnt help thinking, was this how it
was when I was born too? I too was the eldest on both sides of the family. It
was then that I felt special and a bit shortchanged because I didnt remember
any of it. When everyone else came along, the story took a different turn.
Dont get me wrong, I love my sisters and cousins and cherish my role as

Manang, but all these changes definitely have an impact on eldest children.
And being cognizant of how we treat our kids is very important if we want to
be good parents. The eldest child is usually cautious Kathleena dela
Rosa, mom of two and psychologist at the Ateneo de Manila University, says,
I think its largely because of how parents deal with the first child. Even
while pregnant, youre hyper vigilant and over prepared. You try to get
everything perfect. And even if its not conscious, it carries on to the child.
The child feels that need to be perfect too. Justine Tajonera, mom of two,
agrees. Raising my eldest feels more unsure simply because he's the first. I
was and am more praning. I am more confident with my second. Christian
So, dad of two girls, has another perspective on why firstborns can be
cautious: The eldest can be difficult when it comes to new things. Your
younger child would likely have been exposed and consequently more
confident when seeing an elder sibling do something new to them. For my
eldest child, I would usually have to make an example of myself, or have her
cousins show her that she can do it. The eldest child are typically gogetters When you are older, adults rely on you to look out for the younger
ones. Dela Rosa says this is why eldest children are usually driven, natural
leaders, and go-getters. Even before my second one was born, my husband
and I already stressed her role as an ate, that she would help us take care of
her baby brothers, says Yumi Castrillo, mom of three. Whenever there
would be squabbles amongst them, we would always ask our eldest to be the
first one to give in, simply because she is older and should be more
understanding. How do you deal with your eldest child?1. Dont push
too hardEldest kids realize early on that, while they get certain privileges,
they also have the weight of responsibility, says Justine. Give them a break
sometimes and let them enjoy being a kid. And when they do a very kuya or
ate thing, let them hear your appreciation. One way to do this, according to
dela Rosa, is to be aware of your actions. Look within and be mindful what
messages youre sending. Be aware when youre pushing too hard. 2.
Manage expectations When your cautious child is showing apprehension,
its good to talk about it. I've learned that my daughter does better when
she's had time to think things through, shares Christian. I talk with her
about expectations regarding behavior, circumstances, and results. For
example, a week before a dreaded dental appointment, we discuss how the
visit to the dentist could be scary and painful. I've conditioned her to expect
not being happy about it so she can gather her courage. At the same time, I
would also discuss the benefits of visiting the dentist. 3. Explain why rules
seem different for the younger kidsIt's important for your eldest to
know that while the younger child may be subject to more lenient rules, they
were subject to the same rules when they were the same age, says
Christian. Justine adds, Before going on automatic mode and defending the
younger child, listen to what your eldest child has to say. They need to feel
that their side of the story is heard too. 4. Dont go overboard on the
praise As much as I believe in praising our kids, there is the danger of overpraise, warns Julie Lipayon, mom of three girls. Especially for mine because
she is the eldest apo on both sides of the family, so you can imagine the
attention and the unending amounts of praise that was heaped on her for
every little thing she didher first drawing, her first step, her first words,
everything! Over praising your child can make her even less confident to try

new things, terrified of failure, and desperate for approval. 5. But let them
feel special Be mindful of her needs and that she probably misses the full
attention given to her, shares Yumi. I would sometimes show her photos of
when she was an only child to make her feel that she was showered upon and
loved well, and explain why it is different now that the family has grown, that
the love must be shared.

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