DEFINING CONFRONTATION

What is a confrontation?
Most clients come to an interview because having stuckness or no alternatives for solving a
problem or a limited range of possibilities. The task of the interviewer is to assist in freeing
the client from stuckness and facilitate the development of creative thinking and expansion of
choices. Stuckness may also be defined as an inability to resolve conflict, reconcile
discrepancies and deal with incongruity. In short, clients often come to the interview because
they are stuck for a variety of reasons and seek the ability to move, expand alternatives for
action and become motivated to do something to rewrite their life stories. (Ivey & Ivey, 2008)
Stuckness is an inelegant but highly descriptive term coined. (Perls, 2008)
Confrontation leads clients to new ways of thinking and increased intentionality. We
will find that not all clients respond to the skill; be ready with other listening skills. But if we
start with careful listening and summarize the conflict accurately, our chances of success are
greatly heightened. (Ivey & Ivey, 2008)
Confrontation

Predicted Result

Supportively challenge the client:

Clients will respond to the confrontation of

1. Listen, observe and note client

discrepancies and conflict with new ideas,

conflict, mixed messages and

thoughts, feelings and behaviours and these

discrepancies in verbal and nonverbal

will be measurable on the 5 point Client

behaviour.
2. Point out and clarify internal and

Change Scale. Again, if no change occurs,

listen. Then try an alternative style of

external discrepancies by feeding

confrontation.
them back to the client, usually
through the listening skills.
3. Evaluate how the client responds and

whether the confrontation leads to

client movement or change.
If the client does not change, the
interviewer flexes intentionally and tries
another skill.
(Ivey & Ivey, 2008)
Our clients often become stuck because of internal or external conflict or both.
Internal conflict occurs when they have difficulty making important decisions, they feel
confusion or sadness or they have mixed feelings and thoughts about themselves or about
their personal or cultural background. External conflict could be with others (friends, family,
co-workers or employers) or with a difficult situation, such as coping with failure, living
effectively with success, having difficulty achieving an important goal financially or socially
or struggling to navigate their cultural or ethnic identities. External conflict may lead to
internal feelings of incongruity and internal conflict can lead to external conflict with others.
For example the inability to make a decision may also result in conflict with a significant
other who needs to know what is going to happen.
Confrontation is not a direct, harsh challenge but is a more gentle skill that involves
listening to clients carefully and respectfully and helping them examine themselves or their
situations more fully. Confrontation is not going against the client but it is going with the
client, seeking clarification and the possibility of a new resolution of difficulties. Think of
confrontation as a supportive challenge.
Confrontation is the word that helping professions have chosen for challenging clients
to think in new ways, to examine themselves more fully and to consider themselves and their
relations with others more carefully. We may prefer to call it a listening challenge to
creativity. Confrontation is not a skill that we use frequently, but it is a powerful tool when

needed. Clients often need challenges to increase their motivation to change and a supportive
confrontation helps them reach core issues of their problem or conflict more quickly and with
greater precision.
Our listening skills are important in helping the client identify conflicts, incongruities
and discrepancies. Once we have established sufficient relationship, developed a working
relationship and heard the clients story, we will identify instances of internal and external
conflict. (Ivey & Ivey, 2008)

Confrontation, step 1: Identify conflict by observing mixed messages, discrepancies and

incongruity.
This session, while abbreviated and edited, illustrates the fundamentals of confrontation
supporting while challenging.
Interviewer and Client Conversation
Maya: [Her body language shows

Process Comments
The client demonstrates conflict or

excitement]. I found this wonderful friend on

incongruity between desire and excitement

the internet. Were emailing at least four

about meeting the internet friend and internal

times a day. It feels great. I think Id like to

anxiety and hesitation. There is the inevitable

meet him. But it means I may have to go out

external conflict of being involved with two

of town. [Her body language becomes more

people at once. Which discrepancy might you

hesitant and she breaks eye contact]. I

discuss first? Clients who discuss mixed

wonder what my partner would think if he

feelings and conflicts usually show them

found out. Im a little bit anxious but I really

nonverbally as well, through vocal tone

want to meet this guy.

Counsellor: you really want to meet him but

and/or body language.

This paraphrase and reflection of feeling

youre a little bit anxious.

confront the mixed feelings in the client. This

catches both verbal and nonverbal

observations. Note that a confrontation
Maya: Yes, but what would happen if my

always occurs as part of other micro skills.

The client responds and turns her focus to the

partner found out? It scares me. Ive got so

discrepancy with her partner. There are at

much involved with him over the past two

least two issues in this situation.

years. But, wow, this guy on the internet

(Ivey, Ivey, Zalaquett & Quirk, 2012)
Our ability to observe verbal and nonverbal incongruities and mixed messages is
fundamental to effective confrontation. It will be helpful if we review the brief exchange
above and once again identify the internal and external conflicts that Maya faces. (Ivey, Ivey,
Zalaquett & Quirk, 2012)

Examples of internal conflicts

Internal conflicts can be identified in clients through mixed messages in nonverbal behaviour,
incongruities between two verbal statements and discrepancies between what the person says
and what he or she does. An important part of counselling is helping clients sort out mixed
and confused feelings, thoughts and behaviours. The clients thoughts and feelings about her
present partner versus the excitement of the new internet friend clearly represents an internal
conflict. The client has discrepancies within herself that need to be resolved. (Ivey, Ivey,
Zalaquett & Quirk, 2012)

Examples of external conflicts

Discrepancies between the client and the external world include conflicts with other
individuals, ranging from friends and family to people at work or contacts in the community.
Another type of external conflict is between the client and challenging situations, such as
college choice, a new job, a major purchase, the decision to adopt a child, dating somebody
from a different culture or dealing with sexism or racism. Much of our counselling and
interviewing work will focus on discrepancies that clients have with their external world.
For example, Maya faces what for her is a major conflict (the external attraction of the
new person and the potential external conflict with her present partner). Inside, this results in
mixed and torn feelings. Drawing out these emotions by using the basic listening sequence
will be important in confronting the conflict. In such situations, we can see that our support
while challenging is very important.
Discrepancies between us and the client can be challenging. Many counsellor or client
relationships will have discrepancies, whether it is the counsellor not fully agreeing with a
clients choice or differing values or life experiences. Counselling is for the client, not us.
This is a time to maintain professional behaviour and accept and understand where the client
is coming from. If we sense difference or feel a conflict between us and our client, support
the client by listening. If we listen carefully, most discrepancies between us and our clients
will disappear as we understand how they came to think and behave as they do. Note our own
or the clients discomfort with differences between us, question ourselves silently, draw out
the clients perceptions and work to understand them. Keeping ones thoughts and feelings to
oneself is part of being non-judgmental. However, there are times when it is wise to use the
influencing skills of feedback or self-disclosure with clients. This provides a new perspective
that may be useful.

As an example, Maya may be making an unwise decision that we anticipate will lead
to even more difficulty in her life. Summarizing the clients point of view and then sharing
our alternative thoughts via feedback or self-disclosure may help prevent problems.
Furthermore, Maya may fail to see her own contributions to the problems with her present
partner by blaming him. On the other hand, it is possible that Maya will take the blame
herself and feel guilty while failing to see the internet friend is the real intruder.
The distinction between internal and external conflict needs constant attention. All too
often external issues result in internal conflict and anxiety for the client. For example, a
women may think that her partners abuse is her fault and may stay in a dysfunctional
relationship while blaming herself for the situation. Discrimination in the form of racism,
ableism, ageism or other forms of oppression can result in depression and learned
helplessness. Narrative therapy terms this externalization of the problem. When clients
blame themselves for the difficult challenges they face, help them discover that it is the
outside world that is the problem, not them! In these situations, we may need to take an
action stance and inform clients of what is really happening. These clients often benefit from
the new perspective we provide through feedback and other influencing skills. (Ivey, Ivey,
Zalaquett & Quirk, 2012)

Confrontation of abuse
Lets assume that one of Mayas issues is her partners abuse. If so, then working through the
abusive relationship needs to take precedence over the internet possibility. Often, a woman
who has been abused may leave one relationship but soon repeat the problem by selecting

another man who abuses her again. We might confront the abuse issue and help her build
awareness. We will likely encounter this issue in our practice. The external issue obviously
affects the internal world of the client. (Ivey, Ivey, Zalaquett & Quirk, 2012)

Comments
We would first listen to Mayas story of excitement over her internet friend with
special attention to the emotions Maya expressed. As we listened, we likely would hear some
of the issues troubling her with her present partner. At this point, the focus of storytelling
would move to uncovering what is happening currently and the nature of abuse. The basic
confrontation from this is clear but needs to be worked through carefully. On one hand, you
still have positive feelings for your partner but on the other hand, he consistently treats you
unfairly and sometimes the situation gets dangerous. Continuing, on one hand, you realize
that staying with him is likely to lead to more fear and possibly serious hurt for you but on
the other hand, where do you go? Here we are actively rewriting the story that Maya is
living with her present partner.
If we sense danger in the situation, we take an active role, confront the situation
directly and help Maya move to a new living situation. Part of this will be the positive asset
search, drawing out strengths and capabilities. These can come from stories about past
successes and your own feedback and observations about her strengths.
But Maya has emotional needs for a relationship. Here we look at the story and its
possible endings. We also may need to explore Mayas family history and her past
relationships with men. If she seems to have a pattern of earlier abusive relationships, this
needs to be confronted. Once Maya has a better understanding of her past and present, then is
the time to examine the wisdom of the internet relationship.

The above is ideal and very possibly Maya will be taking up with the internet
relationship before she fully understands what is going on. Counselling and therapy take time
and sometimes we see our clients move to repeat negative patterns. There is little we can do
about it but hope that Maya will return and we can pick up the pieces and then move forward
to a healthier and more positive self. (Ivey, Ivey, Zalaquett & Quirk, 2012)

Confrontation, step 2: Point out issues of incongruity and work to resolve them
Interviewer and client conversation
Counsellor: Could I review where weve

Process comments
This summary indicates the counsellor has

been so far? I know you have been having

been listening. The counsellor communicates

some difficulties with your partner that

respect and a non-judgmental attitude, both

youve detailed over the last two sessions. I

verbally and nonverbally.

also hear that you want to work things out

The counsellor summarizes the major

even though youre angry with him. You

discrepancies that lead to internal and

have a lot of positive history together that

external conflict and checks out with the

you hate to give up.

client to see if the listening has been

On the other hand, youve found this man on

accurate.

the internet that youre excited about, and he

doesnt live that far away. In the middle of all
this, I sense you feel pretty conflicted. Have I
got the issues right?
Maya: Yes, I think youve got it. I hear what

Resolution of conflict and discrepancy occurs

youre saying; I think Ive got to work a little

best after the situation is fully understood.

harder on the relationship with my partner

Through having thoughts and feelings said

but wow I sure would like to meet that

back, the client starts some movement.

guy.
After 10 minutes, Mayas thoughts and feelings evolve to a new perspective.
Maya: [said with conviction] Ive got so

Even though the conflict is moving and the

much time invested in my partner; Ive really

client is starting to show evidence of new

got to try harder. [The nonverbal again show

ways of thinking that werent there in the

hesitancy]. How am I going to work this out

first two sessions, conflict remains. But the

with my internet friend?

Counsellor: [solid supportive body language

creative process of change has started.

You can confront and help clients face

and vocal tone] It looks like you really want

discrepancies, incongruity and conflict if you

to work it out with your partner. You sound

are able to listen and be fully supportive.

and look very sure of yourself. Lets consider

what the possibilities are with your internet
friend.
(Ivey, Ivey, Zalaquett & Quirk, 2012)
Labelling the incongruity and saying it back through non-judgmental confrontation
may be enough to resolve a situation. Focus on the elements of incongruity rather than on the
person. Confrontation is too often thought of as blaming a person for his or her faults; rather,
the issue is intentionally facing the incongruity and helping the client think it through. The
following summarizes key dimensions of effective confrontation (supporting while
challenging).

Clearly identify the incongruity or conflict in the story or comment. Using

reflective listening, summarize it for the client. The simple question how do you put

these two together? may lead a client to self-confrontation and resolution.

Draw out the specifics of the conflict or mixed messages, using questions and
other listening skills. If necessary, share your observations. Aim for facts; avoid
being judgmental or evaluative. Address each part of the mixed message,

contradiction or conflict one at a time. If two people are involved, attempt to have the

client examine both points of view.

Periodically summarize each dimension of the incongruity. Variations of basic
confrontation include On the one handbut on the other hand, You say but
you do, I seeat one time, and at another time I see, and Your words say
but your actions say Follow with a checkout: How does that sound to you?
When incongruities are pointed out, the client is confronted with facts.
Many clients are unware of their mixed messages and discrepancies; point these out

gently but firmly. (Ivey, Ivey, Zalaquett & Quirk, 2012)

Confrontation, step 3: Evaluating change
The effectiveness of a confrontation is measured by how the client responds and reflects. If
we observe closely in the here and now of the session, we can rate how effective our
interventions have been. We will see the client change (or not change) language and
behaviour in the interview. When we see instantly or gradually changes, we know that our
intervention has been successful. When we dont see the change, it is time for intentionality,
flexing and having another response, skill or strategy available. (Ivey, Ivey, Zalaquett &
Quirk, 2012)

References
Ivey, A., & Ivey, M. (2008). Essentials of intentional interviewing. Australia: Thomson
Brooks/Cole.
Ivey, A., Ivey, M., & Zalaquett, C. Essentials of intentional interviewing.
Ivey, A., Ivey, M., Zalaquett, C., & Quirk, K. (2012). Essentials of intentional interviewing.
Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole Cengage Learning.