Why Listening Is So Important

There is a saying about listening that eloquently summarizes the nature of the
process. The source of the words is unknown, but the message is universal
God gave us two ears, but only one mouth. Some people say thats because
God wanted us to spend twice as much time listening as talking. Others claim
its because God knew listening was twice as hard as talking. And so it goes
that listening is an important skill, but it can be so hard to do it well and so
challenging to make it meaningful.
Why is listening important? If someone listens to another with full attention,
conviction, commitment, and support, the speaker feels affirmed and
important and has a sense of his/her value and the validity of his/her feelings,
ideas, and experiences. Michael Nichols, PhD. underscores this when he
says in his book, The Lost Art of Listening that To listen is to pay attention,
take an interest, care about, take to heart, validate, acknowledge, be moved,
appreciate (p.14). When one is accepted and recognized for who they are,
one may feel freer to express their feelings and explore deeper and
understand better who they are and how to make good decisions for issues
they may be facing. Thus, a good listener can be a soundboard for the one
who is speaking. Effective listening can also give the speaker a sense of
being understood for what he/she is feeling and experiencing. Being
understood is a great source of support when a person may feel very isolated
and in need of connection.
So what does being a good listener entail? To accomplish the support,
validation, and connection listening can offer, it is of vital importance to put the
speaker first. Most of us listeners have agendas, whether it is to get our own
ideas across, give our opinions for solutions to problems, be recognized for
our own worth, have our own feelings acknowledged, or satisfy our need to
give some support or encouragement that is superficial or not even rooted in
reality. But as Dr. Nichols succinctly puts it, Listening means taking in, not
taking over (p. 83, The Lost Art of Listening). To be a good listener, one has
to suspend his/her own agenda.

Being a good listener thus means being fully interested in the speaker to the
extent that ones own self-interests are put aside. This includes any
distractions that may get in the way of the speaker being heard, whether those
distractions are in the physical environment or the listeners mind. It means
not interrupting the speaker, not interjecting comments, not thinking about
what one might say next, not losing interest because the speakers content is
dull or boring, not becoming annoyed or even hostile because you dont agree
with the speakers views, and maintaining eye contact and a body position to
express engagement with the speaker. One must be fully connected with
what the speaker is saying and how it is being said. Good listening requires
being totally present and aware and keeping an open mind without judgment.
And finally, it is extremely important that the listener creates an atmosphere of
complete safety and confidentiality for the speaker. That is the only way that
feeling and thoughts can be shared comfortably, and the speaker can be free
to be who he/she really is.
Good listening also involves understanding the factual content of what the
speaker is saying and clarifying information that isnt clear. It may be helpful
to paraphrase what is being said so the speaker knows you are listening and
understand what he/she is saying. In addition, it is important to pay attention
to the emotions and feelings the speaker is conveying by reflecting back those
feelings with phrases such as You must feel This may help the speaker
be more aware of his/her feelings when hearing them mentioned by the
listener. Nonverbal communication, such as the speakers posture,
demeanor, facial expressions, and voice tone may yield helpful information.
Summarizing at the end what the speaker has said may help put everything in
focus for the speaker and the listener.
What is the role of healing in the listening process? Elizabeth Johnson Taylor
mentions in What Can I Say? that listening itself is a healing response (p.25).
In other words, it can be part of a persons healing. When people feel listened
to and heard, they can gain a sense of their own importance and that their lives
have meaning and value. Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. has frequently talked
and written about the power of story. She has said that letting a patient tell
his/her story is one of the greatest gifts one can give. Our stories are full of
meaning for us and remind us of who we are. When someone listens to that
story intently and with focus, we are validated. And supported by that
validation, the speaker may discover a potential within to grow and heal wounds

and successfully deal with challenging situations. Sometimes when the listener
reflects back to the speaker what the listener hears in the story, it can open up
new avenues of thought or feeling for the speaker. It may inspire the speaker to
look at his/her issues in a new way or examine feelings more intently and with
new insight. This can lead to better self-understanding and self-acceptance.
Just being totally free to express what you think and feel can be very healing for
someone not used to such openness. Taylor also mentions in What Can I
Say that Listening lances the psychic wound so that powerful pent-up feelings
can drain, and healing can begin (p.25). In addition, Dr. Nichols points out in
his book that when we are listened to we have an easier time of actualizing who
we are. This could be a very important part of dealing with an illness where it is
very easy to lose a sense of identity and a sense of self-worth.
And finally, active and attentive listening can result in healing connection,
especially when one is isolated by an illness. By listening to another, one
affirms that that person is not alone, and by that affirmation, the speaker can be
brought out of isolation. There is such a need for human connection, especially
in our modern society where everything occurs at such a fast pace, attention
spans are shorter than ever, and the technology that connects us electronically
also tends to make us feel more alone. Affirming a persons thoughts, feelings,
and life experiences by empathetic listening creates a powerful bond with that
person that unites through the commonality of shared human experience. In
Dr. Rachel Naomi Remens workshop, The Healing Power of Story, she
comments that the stories we tell each other and listen to reveal the truth about
our human situation. We can see hidden connections between us. When you
listen to someone and hear that persons story, you are being let into that
persons life. This is a very intimate experience and a great privilege and a
great source of connection. Dr. Remen further points out that when we actively
and compassionately listen to others, we can become aware that we are all part
of a larger story and that underneath the differences are many similarities.
On the other side of the coin, what does listening do for the listener? Hearing
what the speaker has to say can be enlightening for the listener. One can learn
information that is helpful in promoting understanding between the two and
strengthening the relationship. Hearing what someone else has to say can
make you more aware of your own story and enable you to connect better with

yourself. It might allow you to see your own life through new eyes and change
some of your behavior. Hearing someones story can be healing because
similar and familiar experiences can remind the listener of a shared humanity.
Listening to another can make one aware of what is sacred and spiritual in
everyday life and how one can see the Divine in another person. We may be
able to find meaning in our life by listening to another. And finally, we may gain
a sense of our own significance and purpose by the power of our presence to
another and the willingness to give the gift of our full attention for the benefit of
a fellow human being.
Finally, how does effective listening contribute to the establishment of a good
doctor-patient relationship or a good relationship between other health care
professionals and the patient. First of all, focused and supportive listening can
help the patient open up and convey important medical facts and express
underlying significant feelings and emotional and spiritual needs. This process
not only establishes trust between the patient and provider, but can assist the
health care professional in obtaining important information that may facilitate
arriving at a diagnosis or aid in the patients treatment. It would allow
consideration of the total patient and the different needs, be they physical,
emotional, and/or spiritual, that may require attention in the patients care.
Careful listening helps build a strong professional relationship that leaves
channels of communication open when new medical problems or personal
challenges arise.
Active listening between family members and the patient can be very supportive
and healing for both parties. If the patient is willing to talk about the illness and
how it has affected his/her life, the associated fears, the hopes and aspirations,
or unresolved issues or conflicts, then open and attentive listening from family
members or friends can have a sacred nature that can bring all together and
bolster the strength of the patients support system. If the patient is physically,
emotionally, and spiritually able to listen to family and friends in return, topics
previously deemed too difficult to discuss may be honestly brought up so that
tension and anxiety can be lessened or even eliminated and more open and
meaningful communication can take place. Patients and their families and
friends can learn from each other about illness and how to respond to the
changes that are happening. As a result, a mutually supportive system can be
established.

So, listening is important, but it has to be open, supportive, selfless, caring,

focused, non-judgmental, and meaningful. Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen summed
it up best when she said in her Healing Power of Story workshop, When you
listen, you offer a sense of belonging to parts of a person that have become
homeless. And the refuge is not a hiding place, but a place to find identity and
grow. Listening offers a place of refuge to a person from everything that
diminishes them.
Donald M. Friedman, M.D.
Spirituality and Healthcare
www.DrDonFriedman.com
DrDonF@gmail.com
215-546-2327
Philadelphia, PA.