I’m working on a deadline, so my analogies won’t be as protracted as usual.

Going down a sloping pitch and with the wind behind us, SCB started, for want of a
better word, sluggishly. In a way, the pitch and the elements were too much in our favour,
as a gap developed between the defence and the bullocking Kaka and myself upfront,
leaving the midfield overrun like Hannibal’s centre at Cannae. Arrigo Sacchi once said
that there should never be more than 20 yards between the defence and the strikers and he
may have been onto something. Fortunately, James Mellor and Danny Higham have high
class engines, and their work-rate and ability in possession in the middle of the park
helped us enormously until we tightened up and regained our shape. Cannae was won
through the Carthaginian flanks dominating the field, and so it was with SCB. Most of
the play went down the right, with the commanding Ligio Martinez and the ever-
threatening and constantly dribbling David Goldman wreaking fair havoc, so much so
that Birkbeck eventually positioned three men down their left flank to deal with them.

The left side was every bit as strong: Rob Cumber’s new found fitness regime is yet to
bear fruit, but the green shoots of improvement were there as he went on some gasping
overlapping runs from Amish Patel, a man as reborn over the close season as Cristiano
Ronaldo in 2006, and SCB’s quality was beginning to tell.

The game was still a bit scrappy, and the pitch was in no way helpful, but the Blue and
Green machine was as solid as a rock at the back, with Mike Gowland, who added centre-
back to his many preferred roles, and Scott Meyern, a one man wrecking machine,
leaving Steve Rolfe with precious little to do, apart from pull of the odd stunning save.

Half-chances came and went. Kaka shot narrowly wide after I knocked a throw in to him
on the edge of the area. James hit one straight at the keeper, and eventually we won a
corner. Kaka’s first corner had whip and pace and the keeper could only just tip it round
the post to stop me surely scoring. Kaka’s second corner was even better, arcing high like
Icarus himself before plunging headlong beneath the bar to make it 1-0 to the mighty
Chartered. Rob Cumber’s protests about no longer being corner-taker were silenced by
his squawk of delight.

After what shall forever be described as ‘The Corner’, we went about our task in much
the same manner. Scott went on a bulldozing run forward, but the final pass of a series of
1-2s went agonizingly astray before the coup de grace. Without James Perkins to control
proceedings, (he was only reffing) the team lost a bit of shape and control. We kept on
winning corners though. I was put free down the left after some lovely interplay between
Scott, Rob, James and Amish and crossed the ball in, where it was deflected. The keeper
attempted to claw the ball back over the line yet the referee gave a corner. However, it
was a marginal decision and in a bout of honesty SCB demanded that the decision be
reversed and a goal kick was resultant. Not to be disheartened, we went on the attack
again and I cleverly won a corner off Vinay Chainani, SCB to the core but playing for the
opposition. I trotted to stand in front of the keeper with a wry smile, hoping, nay,
expecting to kick start my goalscoring for the season with a simple tap in. A goal duly
followed.
Incredibly for all, especially after reading earlier sections of this report, it was the
opposition who scored! The corner was headed straight up in the air, was cleared, and the
opposition broke with pace and verve. Scott and Rob manfully tried to stem the tide, but
there was nothing that could be done. A fine finish made it 1-1.

We were rocked by this, and rocked further by injuries to James and to Goldie, who
apparently popped his knee out and then back in. Playing with 9 men, we did the sensible
thing and got men behind the ball. The storm was weathered, restricting the opposition to
a couple of shots apart from Amish showing desire above and beyond that to which mere
mortals operate, sprinting stretching and straining every sinew to get a last second block
in to stop the striker stroking in a score.

Goldie came back on; showing no ill effects and another corner was won down the right.
Kaka whipped in another fine ball and who should be there by Mike Gowland, sneaking
in like a thief in the night, to tap the ball over the line at the unmarked back post.

The half finished 2-1. We were winning, but the performance wasn’t all it could and
should have been. In the second half we would be against the wind and the slope, but we
knew we had the quality to overcome. Perkins replaced Mellor in the James stakes, and A
team reshuffle led to Super Danny Higham moving to centre back, where he was like a
panther in his speed and ferocity, and Mike Gowland joining James (mark 2) in the
middle.

The second half was a huge improvement. We kept the ball on the ground a lot more, and
moved the flagging opposition around. The defence and strikers were closer together and
the opposition keeper had a shocker. Amish showed more desire for the ball than the
opposition centre backs and prodded the ball underneath the keeper to make it three, I
pounced on a keeper fumble to roll the ball to Gowland who, after a couple of practice
swings, managed to make it 4. Kaka, who seconds earlier had spun and shot from outside
the area only to have the ball thump the bar like a Zidane headbutt to shrieks, squeaks and
swearing from all over the pitch, pounced on the loose ball after the keeper had come and
completely missed it and rolled it in to make it 5.

There was still enough time for the opposition to get 2 goals back as they charged
forwards. One goal, where Steve was unsighted by the covering Rob, was celebrated with
humility becoming a consolation in a pre-season friendly, but their third was greeted with
a lap of honour by the whooping striker. Maybe his family were there. Maybe he had
some money on it. I don’t know.

At 5-3 the game opened up to an absurd amount. Kaka got punched in the face by the
goalkeeper challenging for a ball. The keeper injured his wrist, so hard was Kaka’s jaw,
and that jaw was waggling in delight after he marked up his hattrick, having had three
bites at the cherry, pummelling the replacement keeper until he could take no more.

There was still enough time for a last ditch lunge from Danny Higham, winning the ball
and letting the man know that he’d been in a game with the boss. I had a shot well saved
at my feet to stretch my non-scoring run to 2 games this season, and that was that.

It wasn’t the prettiest performance, and hopefully we won’t be on that pitch much more,
but we got the job done and straightened out a lot of the first half problems as the game
wore on. There’s still room for improvement and that will come as the fitness and
understanding strengthens. A big challenge awaits next week against Mottingham before
the season begins in earnest.