No,Iforgot.Imsorry.

Istarebackoutofthewindowofourbig,graySUV,
huggingmykneestomychest.Mymomsighsexasperatedly.Wecanprobablygetyou
apairatashopontheship.Theyhavetonsofcutelittleshopslinedupontheeighth
floor.Theresawatchshop,agiftshopShecontinuestorambleon.Iputonmy
headphones,leaningmyheaduncomfortablyintothegapbetweenthewindowandthe
backoftheseat.2hoursin,andmykneesarealreadythrobbing.
IthinkImusthavefallenasleeptoAliceCoopereventually,becausethenext
thingIknow,my14yearoldbrotherisshovingmyfeetbacktomysideofthecar.I
curlupagain,squintingintotherainpatteringonthewindowoutside.Imakeoutneon
signsandcantellweareinFloridabecauseofthemanysurf,water,andbeachshops
andseafoodrestaurants.
Howmuchlonger?Icomplain.Mydadlooksupintherearviewmirror.
Aslongasittakestogetthere.Mybrothersnorts.Ibitebackmytongue.He
knowsImsickofhimsayingthat.
Attaboy.
Dad.Notjoking.
Nottoomuchlonger.About3hours,mydadreplies.
Lookattheroad,notather!Mymomscreechesashegetsneartothecenter
oftheroad.
Ichewattheinsideofmycheek,pickingupabookIbroughtfortheride.SoonI
havetoputitbackdownbecauseIgetcarsickagain.Mystomachchurnsaswedrive
overrough,windyroads.Therainceasesafterawhile,andIseeapink,pastelpainted
hotelwithwhitetrimmingandpalmtreeslinedupatthefront.
ThankGod,Imutter,throwingallmystuffintoabagIbrought.Istumbleoutof
thecarassoonasmydadparks.

IdistancemyselffrommyparentsandmybrothertotakeinthesurroundingsasI
walkthroughthehalls.Iseeagothiclookinggirlsittinginsideofacircularwindowsill,
gazingoutofthewindowintothesea.Sheisverystylish,withablackbowlerhat,Doc
Martens,anddeepredlipstick.
Befriendher
,Ithinkimmediately,withoutreallyknowing
why.AsIwalkbyher,Irealizehowmuchsheremindsmeofmyoldbestfriend,Harper.
Theydressthesameway.Theyhavethesamedemeanor.Maybethatswhymyfirst
instinctwhenIsawthegirlisthatshewouldunderstandme.

ThewindwhipsmyhairaroundinmyfaceasIstumbleacrossthedeck.Irun
towardsthedoortotheinteriorofthe13thfloor,tuggingitopenwithallmystrength.
Afterwhatseemslikeaneternity,itopensupveryviolently,andIcollapseinsidethe

room.IfalldownonmybuttasIpullthedoorclosed.Ihearthelaughterofguysand
lookup.Aboutfourguysmyagestandaboveme.
Well,shit,Iavoideyecontact.
Needhelp?Aboywithsandy

Okay,Idareyoutokissher.Damonsmirks.SamanglesmesoIamleaning
acrosshisarminsteadofhischest,raiseshiseyebrowsatme,andthenkissesme.We
looktriumphantlybackatDamon.
Dareyoutogofindtheothersandsendthemallindifferentdirectionssothey
getlost,Samjerkshisheaddownthehall.Damonshrugsandstandsup,runningdown
totheotherendoftheship.Wehearhisfootstepsechooffthewallsuntilheisoutof
sight.Grinning,IlookupatSam,whoisalreadyglancingdownatme.Helooksdownto
mylipsandpullsmeuptohim.
BeforeIcanevenbreathe,heiskissingmelikehislifedependsonit.Imnot
sureifhedneverkissedagirlbefore,orifitwasayouonlyliveoncemomentforhim,
orifheevenmaybelikedme,butIwaslonely,soIletithappen.Ievenkissedhim
back.Iwasntexactlysurewhatwashappening.Hewindshishandsinmyhair,leaning
backagainsttherail.Ibreakofftogetair.
Iknewthiswasgonnahappen,isallIcanthinkoftosay.Iimmediately
reprimandmyself.
Metoo.Hesays,leaningback.Ipullaway.
AndI
knew
therewasathirdgirlyouliked,Ismirk.Samrollshiseyes.
Goddamn,yesthereis.Hepullsmebacktohim.AfterawhileIhearaslight
coughbehindus.Iturnaroundtoseenoneotherthanthecaptainoftheship.
Samstartstolaugh.Hello,Isay,standingup.
Thecaptainmerelywavesslightly,walkingpastustotherailing.IgrabJennys
purse,andthenItakeSamshand,leadinghimaway.Igetasickfeelinginmygutas
wewalk,andIbegintowalkfaster.Wegouptothe13thfloor,hopingwecanfind
Jenny.
IdontlikeSam.WhydidIleadhimonlikethis?No,Idontlikehimlikethatat
all.
Buttheresnothingwrongwithkissinghim.Youhave3daysleft.Nobodyfromhome
willknow.
SowhydidIfeelsosick?Istillcouldntputmyfingeronit.Ididntkisshim,
hekissedme.SoIwasntworriedaboutpeoplefindingout.Iwasntworriedabout
securitycameras...wasI?
Youdidnothingwrong.Youreateenager.Teenagerskiss.
I
supposeIfeelsicktomystomachbecausemyfirstkissdidntmeantanything.Butthen
again,Idneverworriedaboutthatbefore.
Damontapsonmyshoulder.Iturnaround.HeiswalkingwithSam.
Whyareyouwalkingsofast?Damonlaughs.

IhaveacurfewLook,IjusthavetofindJennysoIcangiveherthepurse
back.Iliftupthepurseinmyhand.
Ohyeah.Shoot,Ijustsawherintheelevatorgoingdowntothe7thfloor.I
completelyforgotyouhadthat.
Heylisten,mycurfewisprettymuchnow,soImgonnago,Samsays.He
winksatmeandleavesintheotherdirection.
Whatwasthatabout?DamonfollowsmeasIslowdownagain.
Hejustfreakinmadeoutwithme,andImjustscaredhethinksIledhimonor
something,andIguessIjustfeelreallybad.
Dontyoulikehim?
Me?Samoh,Godno.Imeanno,thatcameoutwrong.Ijustdontlikehimlike
that.

Everyonethinksyoulikehim.
Wellgreat!Ilaugh,gettingintotheelevatorwithDamon.Why?
Yall
always
hangout,andflirt,andTheelevatordings,cuttinghimoff.
Iwasjustbeingnice,
Jesus,
isthatwhatIget?Cantchicksanddudesjustbe
friendswithoutpeoplethinkingtheyreplanningongettinmarriedorsomethin?Iscoff.
ThatshowIfeelexactly,Chris!Jennygetsontheelevatorwithus.Ijust
rememberedyoustillhadthat.Iwasgonnareapplymylipstick.Shetakesherpurse
fromme.Badtime?
Sammadeoutwithher,andshesfreakingout.
Isthatabadthing?Jennypushesthebuttonforfloor11.
Ijustdontlikehim!Icrossmyarmsindignantly.
Huh.Wellthatswhatyougetforbeingnicetohim,Iguess.Damongetsoffat
floor8aftersayinggoodnight,andtheelevatorkeepsgoingup.
Wellyeah,sincehedidnthaveanyfriendsthefirstday,butIdidntwanthim
piggybackingonmeallday,Icontinue.
Whoa.Harsh,Jennylaughs,puttinganothercoatofherlipstickoninthe
elevatormirror.
Well,Igroan.Thatcameoutwrongtoo.ButIjust...Ijustwantedforpeopleto
likeme,thatsall.Ivebecomethiscompletedifferentperson,andthatswhoSamlikes.
Ijustdontlikehim,andIdontlikehavingalltheseguysthinkImsomeslut.
Well,yourenot.Aslut,Imean.Buttheresalwayssometruthofourrealselves
insomeonewepretendtobe.Iknewlookingatyouforthefirsttimethatyouwerenta
stuckupbitchlikeyoupretendedyouwere.Isawhowyoutookineverypersonina
room,figuringoutifyouhadachanceofbefriendingthem,oriftheycouldlikeyou,and
whatyouneededtodotomakethemlikeyou.Ithinkmorepeopleseethroughyour
facadethanyouthinkdo,andtheylikethatsliveroftherealyouthatshinesthrough
morepowerfullythanthefakeyou.

Youthink?Wegetoutoftheelevatorandwalktowardmyroom.
Wellduh.Fakeyouisabitch.Youthinkthatswhatmakepeoplelikeyou,but
peopleactuallyreallylikeyoubecausetheyrealizethattheyallhaveafakeselftoo.We
allseethroughthosefakeselvesthough.Weallknowyoureareallynicegirl.Weall
knowImreallyinsecure,andthatswhyIwearmylipstick.NotbecauseImaCali
model.WeallknowColeisntrichbecausehismomisrich,weknowitsbecausehe
gothisdeaddadsinheritance.Itswhatconnectsusteens.Werealljustmaskstrying
tobecomefriendswitheveryone,butatsomepoint,wejustgottatakeoffthemaskand
acceptthatnoteveryoneisgonnalikeus.Itsokaythatyoujustwantedtobepopular
here.Weveallbeenthere.Itsnotacrime,butweddoanythingtogetit.Weallwantit,
whetherweadmititornot.SoIsuggestthatyoustopworryingaboutwhatpeoplewill
thinkwhenSamtellsthemyallmadeoutbecauseheskindofweirdandwould
consequentlymakeyoulookbadorsluttyorwhatever,andjusttellpeoplethatyou
dontlikehim.Justgivethemthetruth,Chris.Itsallwecandointhismessedupworld.
Westopatmydoor.
Jenny,IdontthinkIveevermetsomeoneassmartasyou.
Well,mygradesdontshowit,butwatchingtheworldfromaquietcorner
insteadofparticipatinginthemasqueradesureteachesmealotabouttheimportant
stuff.Goodnight,Chris.Shestandsonhertoestohugme,andwavesasshewalks
away.

IsitdownonthestoolnexttoZachandwatchourfriendsdance.Hegetsup
eventuallytojointhem,soIbegintodoodleinmyjournal.Itssoembarrassingtohave
ithere,soImovefromthestooltothebenchneartheback.Itdoesntfazemeasa
slowsongcomesonuntilZachreachesouthishandforme.
Zach,Idontdance.
Sureyoudo.YoudancedattheWhiteHotParty.Itwashot,too.
Comeon.No.Idontfeelgood.Zachrollshiseyesandwalksaway,leavingme
withasmallsmile.Jennyeventuallygrabsmyhandandpullsmeout,makingmedance
withher.Ibegintolaughatherattemptstoswirlingmearoundandgettingmetobe
happy.Zachmakesapoutyfaceatmefromacrosstheroom.
Jenny,IgottagodancewithZach,Ilaugh.
Pull!!Sheshrieks,shovingmetowardhim.Istumbleintohisarms,buthe
catchesmegracefully.Asweslowdance,Ifeellikeanawkwardpenguin,butitsokay.
Imsurethatshoweveryonemustfeel.
Imgonnamissthissomuch,Isigh.
Thecruiseorthepeople?
Both!
ImgonnamisshavingallthesepeopleIcanrelateto.

Thatespecially.
Ithinksomethingaboutallbeingherewillfullyinsteadofsomewherewhere
wereforcedtobetogether,likeschool,helpsusconnectongreaterlevels.Ofcourse,
weregonnahavethetypicaldouchebags,butwecanthelpthat.Thesongendstoo
quickly,andIfeelmyfacegettinghot,soIturnaroundandwalkbacktothebench.
Yall,weregoingdowntotheLagoonforsnacks,Jamescallsloudly.Everyone
startsimmediatelyclamberingfortheirthingsandrushingdownthestairs.Jennyand
ZachandIfollowthem,hungry.Whenwegetthere,IsitnexttoZachandlaughashe
triestoorderaPinaColada.Eventually,hebecomessatisfiedwithavirginone,and
sipsitthoughtfullyashetellsBeathatno,hedoesntwantanychickenfingers,thank
you.Suddenly,hepicksupmyjournal.
Sowhatsreallyinhere?Heasksme.Iknowitsnotsomestoriesyoure
writing.
Well,theyare.Theyrejustnonfiction.
Nonfiction.Soitisadiary.
Imean,ifyouwantmetofeellikeathreeyearold,goonahead.Itakemyeyes
offhim,laughing,andcatchsightofSam,scowlingatus.WhenherealizesImlooking
athim,heturnsawaytoflirtwithJenny.Irollmyeyes,lookingbackatZach.
Goahead,readit.WhatdoIhavetolose?Zachthumbsthroughit,readingmy
deepestthoughts.Ifeelincrediblyvulnerable,andtakeitbackfromhimafterhereadsa
fewpages.AsIstaredownatitinmylap,Zachengulfsmeinahugehug.
IknowifIsaythatIunderstandwhatyouregoingthrough,youllthinkits
completebullshitandIknowthatitistoo,becauseIcantpossiblyknowexactlywhat
youregoingthrough,butIreallydounderstandyourfeelings.Thatemptiness,that
unquenchablelonelinessthatyoufillwithfakethings.Igetit.

IsitbackagainstthesofanexttoZach,neglectingtoparticipateinthedancinggoing
oninthelounge.Jameseyesusforawhilefromhisarmchair.
Yallgonnadance?
Imtired,Ibringmykneesuptomychinandwrapmyarmsaroundmylegs.
Comeon,yourealwayssomuchmorefunwhenyoureawake!Jamesgrins.I
smilebackathiscontagiousgrin.
No,nottoday.Imjustreallygonnamissthisplaceanditsbringingmedown.
Awe,okay.Jameswinksandgetsup.Well,Imgonnapickupsomechickson
ourlastnight.Yallhavefun.Hesauntersoutoftheloungeandontothedancefloor.
Wewatchhimforawhilethroughtheglassdoors.
Youknow,youcangodanceifyouwant.Goparty,itsyourlastnight.Im
wastingyourtime.
Yourenot,Zachlooksup,surprised.Imtiredtoo.Ifeelthesamewayyoudo.

Itskindalike,Idontwannahavetoomuchfunthelastnightoritllmakememissit
more.
Well,atleastsomeonegetsit,Ismileupathim.Hiseyesregardmewarmlyfor
asecond,butthenhislookflickersawayintospace.Ilookbackupatourfriends
dancing,whenIrealizeZachissayingsomething.
What?Ilookaway.
Howembarrassing!!
IcringeinternallyasZachlaughs.
Isaid,Screwit,letscuddle.Internallyfreakingout,mystomachseemstotwist
intoanexcitedknotasZachpullsmeintohisarms.Ileanmyheadagainsthisshoulder.
Thanksforbeingthereforme,Isayeventually.
Itwasmypleasure,heresponds.