LateShowWritersPacket6/23/16

ChrisBarrow
14248DickensSt.#115
ShermanOaks,CA91423
dukeberryman@gmail.com
2132595766


2COLDOPENINGS:

Ow!MyFunnyBone!

JonBatisteisworkingoutintheLateNightComedyGym,workingonhiscomedychops.He's
practicingmakingfunnyfacesinthemirror,andStephenwalksbywithacoffeemuginhis
hand.

SC:HIJON!

JB:OH,HEY,STEPHEN,CANYOUHELPMEOUT?I'MWORKINGONMYCOFFEEMUG
HUMOR.

SC:SURE,BUTYOU'REGOINGUPAGAINSTAMASTER.ILEARNEDMYTECHNIQUE
FROMALANTHICKE.

JonandStephenfaceeachother,eachwithawhite(LateShow)coffeemugintheirright
hands.Jonclearshisthroat,rollshisneck,andputsonhisgameface.

SC:READY?[JONNODS]I'LLSTART.YADA,YADA,YADA[SIPSCOFFEE]

JB:BAZINGA![SIPSCOFFEE]

SC:WHATYOUTALKINGABOUT,WILLIS?[SIPSCOFFEE]

JB:DIDIDOTHAT?[SIPSCOFFEE]

SC:KISSMYGRITS![SIPSCOFFEE]

JB:YABBA,DABBA,DOO![SIPSCOFFEE]

SC:DAPLANE,DAPLANE![SIPSCOFFEE]

JB:PRETTY,PRETTYGOOD[SIPSCOFFEE]

SC:OHMYGOD!THEYKILLEDKENNY![SIPSCOFFEE]

JB:I'MRICKJAMESBITCH!ARGH,MYFUNNYBONE![JONCLUTCHESHISRIGHTARM,
SPILLSCOFFEEOUTOFHISMUG]

SC:GOODWORKOUT,KID,BUTYOU'VESTILLGOTALOTTOLEARN.[STEPHEN
TURNSHISMUGUPSIDEDOWN]MYCOFFEEMUGWASEMPTYTHEENTIRETIME.

LET'SHAVEAGREATSHOWTONIGHT!

[ASHEWALKSAWAY,STEPHENGIVESJONASLAPONTHESHOULDER]

JB:OW!MYBONE!

TheStephenCam

WeseesecuritycamfootageofStephenwalkingwhilepreoccupiedwithhiscellphone.Being
distracted,hetrips,andthenlooksaroundtoseeifanyonenotices.Afterregaininghis
composure,hestartstotakeaselfie,butchangeshismindandtakesacrotchshot.Witha
shiteatinggrin,Stephenturnstowalkaway,andthendoesapratfallandbreakshisphone.
Later,theblurrycrotchshotispostedtotheshow'srealTwitterfeed,andStephencanclaimhe
washacked.

5MONOLOGUEJOKES:

Ilovenewtechnology,butIcan'tkeeptrackofwhatshowstowatchonwhichdevices.DoI
watchStarWarsonmyiPhone,orGameofThronesonmytoaster?CanIdownloadthe
WalkingDeadtomytreadmill,ordoIhavetoordermoreunderwearfromAmazonPrime?And
arethereanynewshowsformywatch?Thankfully,allyouneedtoseemyshowhereonCBS
isanoldfashionedcoalburningtelevisionyoucanprobablyfindoneatyourlocalSalvation
ArmyStore.

InDonaldTrumpnews,hefiredhiscampaignmanagerthisweek.Soon,we'llallbefiredby
DonaldTrump,it'spartofbeinganAmerican,likeapplepieandjuryduty.Firstyou'repolled,
thenyou'refired.Haveyoubeenfired?Don'tforgettoregister.WhenIgetfiredbyDonald
Trump,Iwantittobeonthe4thofJulyatleastI'llgetaparade.

IhadthebestFather'sDaythisyearbecausemykidsareoldenoughtobuymepresents.Igot
agiftcertificatetoAmericanGirl,"twin"walkietalkies,andanewpuppy.What'shername?
TaylorSwifty.

EverybodyisquittingtheRepublicanPartystatesenators,mayorsinNewJersey,evenLaura
BushisgoingtovoteforHillaryClinton.Youknowwhatthat'slike?Tothrowapartyandnoone
showsup?TheRepublicanPartyisabirthdaypartyforthekidnoonelikesatschool,andthat's
DonaldTrump.It'sjusthiminapartyhat,andasadclownwhodoesn'twanttobethereeither.
HopefullynextyearwillbebetterfortheRepublicansIhearthey'regoingonaDisneycruise.

Meanwhile,HillaryClintonisthemostdislikedcandidateinhistory.Ifyou'reaDemocrat,you
havetopretendthatyoulikeher,andthatmustbeexhausting.Shereallyistheultimate
sisterinlaw,isn'tshe?Youjusthavetogrinandbareitwhenshe'saround.[STRAINEDSMILE]

1NEWSSEGMENT:

Narcissism

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/mar/02/narcissismepidemicselfobsessionattent
ionseekingoversharing

Recently,BritishnewspaperTheGuardianreportedthatnarcissismwasatanalltimehigh
fueledbyselfiesandoversharingonsocialnetworkssuchasFacebook,Snapchat,andTwitter.
Ifyoualreadyknewthis,goodforyou.Youmustbekeenlyintelligent,andhaveaboveaverage
looks.Oratleastthat'swhatyouposted.

Butwhatdoes"narcissism"evenmean?I'manarcissist,andIcanbarelysayit.

Narcisism.AccordingtoWebster,thewordcomesfromthestoryofNarcissus.Helookedat
hisreflectioninapondforsolong,heturnedintoawaterlily,foreverstaringathisown
reflectioninthewater.Hewassovain,CarlySimonwroteasongabouthimcalled"You'reSo
Narcissistic".HisegomadeKanyeWestlooklikeawannabe.HisheadwasbiggerthanDonald
Trump'sonaDonaldTrumpgolfcourseinsideaDonaldTrumpcasino.

Themoralofthestoryisthatifyousitbyapondfortoolong,you'llturnintoaplant.Actually,it's
thestoryofabeautifulGreekgodwhoiswillingtogiveupeverythingjusttoadmirehimselffor
alltime.It'smorelikethestoryofHillaryClintonagoddesslivingintheGreektemplesof
Washington,DC,marriedtoanApollo,yetnotsatisfieduntilshecangazeuponherownimage
foreverinthegalleryofPresidents.

ButHillaryisnotateenagegirlnoracollegefratbrother.TheMillenialsarethenewMe
GenerationandIcan'tsaythewordMillennialseither.NarcissisticMillennialsaretheones
losingtouchwithcommunityanddrivingthisnew"I'mOK,You'reOK,IGotMoreLikesThan
You"culture.Idon'twanttobelievethatthisistheKimKardashiangeneration,agenerationthat
rewardsnarcissism.EspeciallybecauseIloveKim,andIhopeshelikesmyInstagramselfie.

Yes,Iknowtheinternetistheultimateplatformforselfpromotion.That'swhyI'm
StephenAtHomeonTwitter(elevenmillionfollowers).ButIthinkthefocusshouldbeontheall
theGoodWorksthatgetdoneonsocialnetworks.There'sanewtransparencyand
accountabilitythat'sbeenaffordedus.Anewwayofhelpingpeople,andfeelingcompassionfor
others.That'stherealmoralofthestory.But,youdon'thavetolistentomeI'mjustahuge
televisionpersonalitywithacollegedegree,aTesla,andmillionsinthebank.I'mexceptional.

I'mjustasking,"WhatWouldNarcissusDo?"[PULLSOUTIPHONE,TAKESSELFIE]


3CONFESSIONS
:

PleaseforgivemewhenItellyouthis,Audience,butmyglassesaren'treal,they'refake.It's
true,I'mafraud.IonlywearthemsoIcanlooksexywhenItakethemoff.[SEDUCTIVELY
REMOVESGLASSESTOTHESQUEALSOFWOMENANDGAYMENINTHEAUDIENCE].
Myhairisalsofake,butthat'sOKnoonecanseeitdownthere.

IhaveanotherconfessiontomakeIdon'trecycle.Well,Idorecycleinawayit'scalledthe
WalMartreturnpolicy,theytakebackanything.Justtheotherday,I"recycled"ahottub.Ionly
usedittowashmydog,butuseditwas.

There'sonemorethingImustconfesstoyou,AudienceI'mrichbutonlybecauseIstolefrom
theTakeAPennyLeaveAPennycupatthegasstation.Whileyouwerehelpingpeopleby
leavingpennies,Ibecameapennymillionairebyrobbingpeopleofthechancetohavecorrect
changeforgum.So,I'vedecidedtodonateallthepenniestothechurch.Now,whenyoumake
anoffering,you'llalwayshavethecorrectchange.Goinpeace.

2PITCHESFORSEGMENTS:

NewsFromTheFuture(GuestNeilDeGrasseTyson)

Stephenhasaccesstoasatellitevideonewsfeedfromthefuture,andhewantstoshareitwith
theaudienceandasciencerelatedguestsuchasNeilDeGrasseTyson.Thisisafake
pretapedsegment,sowhenitstarts,Stephenchangesintoacostumewiththeguest,anddoes
thescenelivewithfuturisticspecialeffectsadded.

Thesketchisdoneinthestyleofalocalnewsbroadcastcoveringnational,local,sports,
weather,andhumaninterestnewsstoriesfromthefuture.Thetimecanbeanywherefrom5
yearsto1000yearsinthefuture,andeachstoryisusedtoheightenrealcurrentevents.The
guestcanbeacoanchororareporterinthefield.

DukeBerryman,CBSHeadofEastCoastDevelopmentandSponsorDirectorship

StephenintroducestheCBSnetworkexecutiveinchargeoftheshow.He'saDonDrapertype
namedDukeBerryman.Wearingasuitandcarryingascotchontherocks,Dukestopsbyevery
onceinawhiletocheckinonStephen.HeenterstothesoundofDaveBrubeck's"TakeFive".

DukeisinterestedinhowStephenisdoing,buthealwayshasafavortoask.Thefavorsare
workrelated,andalwaysinvolvethenetworkreceivinga"guaranteedcheckinthemail"ifhe
cooperates.Stephenwantstohelp,butthefavorsalwaysrequirehimtodosomethingunethical
oroutrightillegal,likesingHappyBirthdaytoanEasternBlocDictatororhostafundraiserfor

thedeforestationoftheAmazon.

Stephenalwayssaysno,and,foramoment,thisputsDukeinadarkmood.Thelightsdim,
Duke'svoicesdrops,andhegivesabriefsoliloquyaboutthealienationofsuburbanlifeand
corporategreedwhilesippingonhisscotch.Stephensnapshimoutofhisexistentialmoment,
andDukequicklyrecovers.Heexistswithoutprompting,alwaysexplainingthathehasa
meeting"upstairs",andurgingStephento"thinkabout"hisoffer.Also,heneedshelpgettingrid
ofabody...