Luna Tree

The Baby Project
by
Maya Berger
Luna TreePublishing
Zagreb, Croatia, Europe
ISBN-13: 978-1519689856
ISBN-10: 1519689853
Copyright 2015 by Maya Berger
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be used, reproduced or transmitted in
any form or by any means, graphic, electronic or mechanical, including
photocopy, scanning, recording, taping or by any information storage and
retrieval system, without the written permission of the author except in the
case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
For more information about permission to reproduce selections from
this book, please contact the author at: mayamhberger@gmail.com
First Edition
Luna TreePublishing
Cover design by Branka Moskaljov
Book design and layout by Rocky Berlier

www.concierge-publishing.com
Manufactured in the United States of America
M a ya B e r g e r v
Dedication
o my precious baby and to all the people who

believe that their health is preventing them
from making their dreams come true.
vi L u n a T r e e - T h e B a b y P ro j e c t
M a ya B e r g e r vii
Acknowledgements
his is the first book I have ever written. I wrote

it because I felt a need to share the sequence
of events that happened to me in a period of my
life when I thought I would simply settle-down
and have a baby. Instead, everything challenged
me, and I found myself in very demanding new
situations where I had to rely on all kinds of
professional and/or non-professional people who
deal with the mysterious process of healing people.
Through all the trials of my conventional and
unconventional healing, my husband stood by me
and was my greatest support. I am so very grateful
to you my love. You were also the greatest support
for me in writing this book and helped me to make
it even better than I was willing settling for.
I am also grateful to my first reader, Noe, who
encouraged me to publish the book and who
helped me find people who made the book readable
because English is not my mother language.
I am also very grateful to the editors and publisher, Cynthia Richmond and Rocky Berlier, two
people who helped me to learn and understand a
bit more about writing a story. It is not an easy task
viii L u n a T r e e - T h e B a b y P ro j e c t
to do and it took me a lot of time and adjustment

to see missing elements of the book and to try to
improve it.
In the end, without Energy in my life, I would
never have even come to this path of becoming a
writer (if I could even call myself that). Ive tried to
write a book a few times in my life, but was never
able to exceed past page five. So, for me to write a
book (in the first few months of my babys life) is
a great accomplishment, and one I would not have
the capacity if it were not for the support of these
people and the extra Energy wind blowing in my
direction. Thank you.
M a ya B e r g e r ix
Contents
Dedication............................................................................................................... v
Acknowledgements..........................................................................................vii
Preface....................................................................................................................... 1
Introduction........................................................................................................... 5
Chapter One
Meeting a Guy......................................................................................................9
Chapter Two
My Man and His Jungle.................................................................................29
Chapter Three
Here Comes the Bride................................................................................... 37
Chapter Four
New Wife, New Life......................................................................................... 53
Chapter Five
Travel Swim Heal.............................................................................................. 63
Chapter Six
The Right Diagnosis ....................................................................................... 79
Chapter Seven
Mixed Messages................................................................................................. 91
Chapter Eight
Back to Life.......................................................................................................... 117
Chapter Nine
Passing theTest................................................................................................ 133
Chapter Ten
My Golden Period.......................................................................................... 149
Chapter Eleven
The Miracle.........................................................................................................173
Chapter Twelve
The Next Level...................................................................................................181
Chapter Thirteen
The Luna Tree.................................................................................................. 193
x L u n a T r e e - T h e B a b y P ro j e c t
M a ya B e r g e r 1
Preface
he idea for this book came to me one evening.

I had just fed and put my beautiful, healthy
baby girl down for the night. I was counting
my blessings, reflecting on my journey through
infertility, mysterious illness, doctor after doctor,
finally a diagnosis and the miraculous healing
techniques that restored my body, mind and
spirit. My hope is that my story will inspire and
encourage others.
It can be so discouraging when you are not
healthy and are living in constant, debilitating
pain. It is confusing and crazy-making when you
go to doctor after doctor and every other type
of practitioner, often having to wait months for
an appointment only to have them scratch their
heads, shrug their shoulders and imply that your
symptoms are all in your head. A few practitioners
touched on some of my problems and tried to help
me, but ultimately it was a synchronistic meeting
with an acquaintance who had been diagnosed
correctly who told me, what you have sounds
like what I had. This is what helped me, this
serendipitous encounter is what began my road
back to health.
2 L u n a T r e e - T h e B a b y P ro j e c t
I have learned not to ignore synchronicity and

I now understand that we know our own bodies
and our own normal better than anyone. I have
also learned that our mind and attitude are huge
contributors to our healthy wellbeing. From my
experience with negative and indifferent physicians who didnt exhibit a bit of compassion or
warmth, the value and importance of a positive attitude must not be taught in medical school. However, it is such a critical aspect of healing. That
may sound easy, but again, when you cant sleep,
are in pain and concerned for your future, it can
be virtually impossible to muster a smile, let alone
think optimistically about restored health.
Chronic pain affects your personality and your
thinking. The patience it takes to carry on and
try the next thing is enormous. Add to that being
an empath, taking on the feelings of others and
trying to help them, being the one that others
come to with their problems when youre already
bankrupt of energy, which is a one-way street to
failure. Ive learned that we must guard ourselves
and our lives, get rid of our hidden enemies who
appear to us as friends.
Let go of the negative people in your life, and if
they are family, just create healthy boundaries.
Looking back from where I am now, I am not

sorry for anything that I went through. In spite
of the challenges, my path from wanting my own
family, including a baby, finding such a warm
and understanding husband, getting sick, going
through all sorts of treatments from Western
medicine, alternative modalities to Energy healing,
each step contributed to my learning and growth
and I became a better person and a better parent.
This is my story. I am grateful to be on the other
side of it all and I am happy to be able to share my
journey with you.
~Maya Berger
Introduction
ife is forever changing. Looking back on

history we know that very little remains the
same. Being able to be flexible and go with the
flow of life keeps us relevant. Refusing to change
will take us the way of the dinosaur. Yet, there are
the evergreen things, the ancient things that are
still true-blue and perhaps even more important
as we evolve and our ability to understand and use
them becomes greater.
One of these truths is a crucial part of my story
and it is called Energy. Now, I am not a physicist,
but I have experienced the power of Energy first
hand. Id like to distinguish the difference between
energy and Energy. Energy with a small e refers
to strength and vitality for physical activity. The
type of energy I am referring to, as an agent of
healing, is more related to physics. It is the Energy
that creates light and heat.
Everything in the universe, at its core, is
vibrating a frequency that is producing energy.
When ill
ness or disease is present, the fre
quencies of the cells of the affected organ or
area are not in-tune with their ideal vibrational
rate for optimal health. This can be observed
under a microscope. A liver cell has a different

fre
quency or rate of movement than a heart
cell or a lung cell. Cells in which the illness has
overcome the immune system demonstrate an
increased frequency. Frequency can be restored
by several means. Much like a tuning fork allows
a guitar player to tune his or her strings accurately,
sound, light, positive attitude, music, certain foods
and supplements, gratitude, appreciation of natural
beauty such as a sunset or a butterfly, and other
techniques are able to restore the bodys healthy
frequencies.
Likewise, many things are responsible for interrupting healthy frequencies. Stress, negative
thinking, low-frequency foods, discordant sounds,
grief, and many other elements can have a disruptive effect. It typically is the accumulated affects
of these causes over time that finally disrupts and
diminishes healthy frequencies.
Healing Energy is sacred, it comes from Source,
but it is scientific as well. There are many examples
of various modalities for applying this Energy.
For example, laying on of hands, Therapeutic
Touch, acupuncture, reiki, color therapy, sound
resonance, meditation, prayer, relaxing activities,
and even a good nights deep sleep can mend and
restore the bodys healthy frequencies.
If these concepts are new to you, I invite you to

suspend your disbelief while you read my story.
Perhaps youll close the book after reading the
last page with the inspiration to look into these
healing modalities for yourself.
Chapter One
Meeting a Guy
was thirty-nine years old and would be the big

4-0 in a few months and I still didnt have a
family. It felt like I had waited for so long to have
a little family of my own. By family I mean a
husband and a baby or more babies of my own. The
birthdays that end in zero seem to be milestones
that make us reflect on our lives, we think about
what have we accomplished and what we regret?
I felt that I devoted my life to my parents and my
sister, caring for them, their feelings, their desires,
even their development as people. I was giving
advice to my mother when I was just fifteen years
old, adult advice about her life. She always seemed
to be upset about something; about her friend not
spending enough time with her, about her sister
bullying her, about her sisters husband making
fun of her, about my fathers infidelity.
From the time I was very little, I learned how to
read faces so well that now I read peoples feelings
instantaneously, even though I really dont want to,
it just happens automatically. I can feel disturbed
1 0 L u n a T r e e - T h e B a b y P ro j e c t
and not know why, and then in retrospect I

recognize that someone was nervous, sad, angry,
or depressed around me and I just picked it up. This
is probably because of my mothers perpetually
changing moods, which I had to learn how to read
very quickly.
My father had all of us under his control where
he continually tried to tailor our lives, not letting
us learn from our mistakes and pressuring us into
all sorts of activities intellectual or physical that
he thought we should endeavor. He was also an
impatient teacher, who would yell constantly and
this would intimidate us so much that we couldnt
do the most basic thing after an hour of his teaching
or training. Yet, if we did give up, it wasnt just our
giving up of tennis or math, it was giving up of
his love and devotion. That was the only way he
would give his time and devotion to us.
For me, I was always very concerned about my
sister and how my fathers high expectations and
my mothers low self-esteem affected her. I was
psychologically stronger than her and I worried
about how vulnerable and awkward she felt in
society, how she didnt often socialize with other
children and she struggled with low self-esteem.
All of these issues had also brought her problems
in school as well.
M a ya B e r g e r 1 1
Throughout our childhood, our parents were

fighting all the time. My father was just unable to
stay monogamous, and it drove my mother crazy
but not enough to divorce him. We were stuck in
this family, where every once in a while my dad
was planning to leave the family, he even asked
me once to go with him.
They did finally divorce but I was twentythree by then and the family problems just kept
getting bigger because my mum and my sister
couldnt handle them well. So, I got stuck with
their emotional struggles too, picking up their
pieces. In many ways this made me even stronger
psychologically but I was feeling restless about it.
Basically, I wanted my own family so I could focus
on caring for them instead. The problems in my
family were just getting more and more draining
for me. I thought that if I had a husband and child
of my own, I could have a good justification to let
them work on their own problems without me.
Unfortunately, it is not that easy for some people
to have a baby. It seems like some women just
pop children out, having no problem getting
pregnant, no problem carrying a child, no problem
with delivering their baby, and little worry about
how they will raise them In contrast, my life was
full of certain problems that would be obstacles
and challenges for me to overcome before I could

reach my dream of having a family of my own.
First of all, up to this point, I seem to have been
rather bad at picking the right guys to settle down
and have a baby with. Even though I had already
had two long-term relationships lasting six or more
years each, I still didnt want to get married or have
a child with either of them. Then why was I with
them; especially when I just knew deep down that
it wouldnt work? Well, at the time, it just felt like a
nice harbor for me to be in, away from my family
and their problems. Guy problems never made me
so anxious like family problems, even though, of
course, there were problems there too.
I tried to break up a few hundred times with the
first guy, Dean, but still I ended up being with him
for six years. He was my first real boyfriend.
We met in our first year of University. At the
time, I just really wanted to have a boyfriend.
While always being there for my family, I now felt
a need for someone who would be there for me,
someone to share my experiences with. When
we were together it was great, but unfortunately,
there was a lot of time that we were apart.
He had his boys that he wanted to hang out with
daily, while I had a group of friends (both boys
and girls) from the University who I became very

close to and started to go out with regularly.
As a group of friends, we would go skiing
together (Dean didnt ski) and we would also
go to the seaside. I always had a great time with
them. Because Dean and I were spending more
time with our own separate group of friends
than with each other, we began growing apart. I
started noticing that he was lying to me about his
outings, like where he went at night and what he
was doing. I would hear from friends that he was
out on Friday night after he left me at my house
and he supposedly went home. I would confront
him about this and ask him what he was doing.
He would make an excuse like, My mum has a
birthday in two days, so I went to see what I could
buy for her as a present.
I would respond with, At 3 am?! When all the
stores are closed, on the way to the club?
Hed say, Yes, I was window-shopping.
Of course, and then by mistake you entered the
club. I concluded.
As a result of him lying so much I started feeling
more free to flirt with other guys. We still hung
on to each other for far to long. Maybe this was
because it was a first relationship for both of us

and it was just hard to let go.
The second guy, Petar, was so easy-going. He
was very cuddly, disarming, with all the charm of
a sweet little puppy. I actually loved that he was so
easy-going. After having someone as controlling as
my father in my life, it felt so nice to finally have
someone who looked to me without such high
expectations. However, the easy-goingness of this
relationship became a bit of a struggle for me as
well. After a while it became an emotional trap
that was keeping me there. No decent person
would ever want to abandon a puppy, it doesnt
feel humane, and it just felt wrong. Especially, if
you think they are completely incapable of caring
for themselves. And, thats exactly what I was
doing, taking care of him. Teaching him how to
get from one part of town by car to another, with
him asking me every five minutes, Where now?
Teaching him how to ask for directions, how to
buy a ticket, how to clean the flat and do the dishes,
how to change a light bulb or the filter screen on
the faucet, and things like that.
It makes you wonder, how does a person live
to be twenty-three years old and never have had
a chance to learn those things? However, I partly
knew the answer for his inexperience. Every time
he was leaving to go back to the University (he was

attending the University back then) his mother
would pack his bag for him. Like he was still her
baby boy. I guess mum was doing all those other
things for him as wellmaybe even brushing his
teeth and dressing him.
This relationship was fun for the time we were
together. This was mostly because he lived and
went to university in Dubrovnik, which is a six
hour drive to the coast. Every weekend I went
to visit him there and enjoyed the sea, the sun,
socializing with young, carefree students and
being carefree myself. It felt like a summer love.
After he finished University and came back to
Zagreb to live with me, the reality of the relationship
and the differences in our personalities hit me. He
had no job, wasnt really looking for one, he had
no money, no willingness to help me with any
house chores and he smoked pot all day long. His
slowness in understanding things also made me
really start to question his reasoning ability. But at
that stage of our relationship, I had my fair share
of problems too, which distracted me from really
paying attention to what he was doing.
Once, when we were almost four years into this
relationship, Petar and I took a summer vacation
to the Adriatic Sea. Our first stop was at my

friend, Teas house on the island of Iz. She and her
husband were there with their two kids and their
parents, so it was a full house. We came just for
few days after which we were all (except for the
grandparents) suppose to go on a sailing trip. It
promised to be a fun trip.
Then, one night during our stay there, I couldnt
fall asleep the entire night. I thought maybe it was
because I was sleeping in the living room on the
sofa and this wasnt very comfortable. However,
the next night it happened again. I couldnt figure
out what was causing it, but it was making me feel
very anxious and a little bit frightened.
Since he was a doctor, I called my dad to ask
him what to do and he told me to take some
sleeping pills. Thats when he told me that my
sister, Anna, had been institutionalized a few days
before because she was having serious mental
problems that they just couldnt manage on their
own anymore.
A few months earlier, Anna started to show a
few mental problems, which my parents tried to
ignore. But then these problems became much
worse and she ended up in the hospital. I really
didnt know about that last week or two of her
struggle, but I suddenly stopped sleeping at the

same time as she was institutionalized. Our minds
are such complex things!
My lack of sleep got so bad that I decided
I needed to go to a few psychiatrists to try and
help. This did manage to give me a little relief but,
unfortunately, it wasnt enough. There was a big
irrational fear that something bad would happen
to me when I lost control and fell asleep, I was
afraid that I too would get mentally sick and lose
my mind. Therefore, the psychiatrist prescribed
sleeping pills for me and this seemed to at least give
me some rest that I desperately needed. However,
it also created some conflicts with my desire to
eventually get pregnant and become a mother. I
also didnt feel like I was well enough physically
and emotionally to carry and raise a child.
When I finally broke up with Petar, I felt so happy
that I decided I was not going to enter another
relationship as quickly as I had that one. He was
as sweet and nice as a little fluffy puppy but he
just couldnt or wouldnt take care of himself. He
was lazy and lacked self-confidence; day after day
smoking pot, socializing with his friends in my
living room, and becoming like a part of my sofa.
Each day he waited there for me to come home
from work and make him lunch. It just wasnt
going anywhere for me. Id just had enough and

decided I am better alone than with someone
like that. I made the break and I was so relieved;
freedom was in the air! It felt so wonderful that I
could now do whatever I wanted and not have to
take care of anyone else but myself!
But, of course, thats when love finds you, when
youre not looking for it or hoping for it to happen at
all. Seven years prior to being with Petar, his friend,
Luca, made it known that he liked me. Actually,
back then a lot of Petars friends had let me know
that they liked me as well. However, at that time, I
had just started dating Petar, so I was more focused
on being with him. Its true, I was attracted to Luca
a little, but I didnt let myself think about it at all.
Apparently, Petar and his friends werent close
enough to have the guys code about flirting or
dating your friends girlfriend. It was a fun period
for me (and my little ego, which grew a little bit). I
was completely flattered by it all.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere Luca appears in
my life. I hadnt seen or heard anything from him
for a few years and then out of the blue here he
was in a cafe bar where I was having a drink with
some mutual acquaintances. He came into the bar
about a half an hour after I did. Apparently, one of
his friends called him to let him know I was there.
While we talked that night I mentioned that

I was going to London on a business trip with a
female colleague and he then told me he had
some unfinished business in London as well. He
suggested that he might as well do it the same
week and that we should meet there and spend
some time in London together. I said, Okay. So,
the date was set.
We met the second night that I was in London
and went to a Jazz club where we danced most
of the night. The music and atmosphere were
wonderful. The next night he took my colleague
and me to dinner and then to the theatre to see
Mamma Mia the musical.
He was such a total gentleman by taking my
colleague along with us. He didnt want her to
feel left alone or for me to feel awkward. So, he
graciously took us both. It was very sweet and
a great time. I still remember with a smile three
older ladies in front of us being totally into the
play singing all the songs while in a group hug.
At one point during the play he asked, Are you
all right?
I remember thinking, Is he watching me all the
time? The reason I thought this was because at
that very moment, for few seconds, I did feel kind
of nostalgic or sad, and I wasnt sure why. However,

I did wonder if he had really noticed the subtleties
of my feelings or was this just something he says
as a matter of habit? I wasnt sure. He did wait for
the answer and looked me in the eyes, but later I
noticed that he did ask it very often. Sometimes
just five minutes apart. How
ever, back then it
didnt really matter, because in that moment that
he chose to ask me, it was perfect and very touch
ing. Although after a few years, it became a little
less endearing.
The following night was adventurous because
we went to a bar called Below Zero, which is
an ice bar where you drink vodka dressed like
an Eskimo. My colleague didnt like the idea of
freezing for fun so she said, Ill happily pass on
that. You lovebirds just go on, have a great time!
Left alone, we froze together, drank a little bit
to much vodka and enjoyed each others company
without noticing anybody else, partly because of
too much vodka and partly because everybody
was trying to stay warm.
London all together was fantastic and Luca
was so attentive, considerate and observant of all
my needs and reactions. It was just so easy to let
myself slowly sail into a new relationship.
Some people were a little surprised about me

dating Luca, because in the past I had said that I
didnt even like him. Well, yes of course, I said to
Petar that I didnt even like Luca. But what else
should I have said? That I think he is handsome,
mysterious with a little bit of mischievousness in
his eyes, just enough to make a girl interested.
Our relationship did have a bumpy start though.
I wasnt really sure I was ready to date again. After
the break-up with Petar, I was now just so happy
being free and I really wanted to explore this
freedom more. I also felt that Luca had, perhaps,
an over idealized image of me as such a divine
person, as he used to say.
After being in a relationship with Petar for
such a long time, I really didnt think about Luca
in a seriously romantic way. However, now that
we were starting a relationship, it concerned me
because he had spent a much longer time thinking
about me romantically than I had about him. I was
afraid he would become disappointed in me soon.
How could anyone ever live up to such an ideal!
One day, Luca told me that my ex was still
periodically using cocaine and this really upset
me because I thought that he had stopped years
before. However, also I thought that it was not nice
of Luca to say anything about my ex anyway. It felt

like he was attacking me for the choices Id made
in the past while at the same time making him
look good for not doing heroin, even though they
were hanging out with the same group of people. I
mean, I was dating him so why did he try to make
Petar look bad? And it made me feel stupid in the
process too. This led to a fight between us where
we broke up.
A few days after the break up I received a bouquet
of fifty red roses without a note. I knew they were
from Luca as an apology, but I was still very upset
(the whole thing hit a nerve with me), so I gave
the bouquet to my cousin Sara. She said, Are you
sure you dont want to keep it? Its such a beautiful
bouquet. Ive never seen anything like it! But I
stubbornly said, No, I am just too upset. I was
infuriated with the whole thing and even that grand
gesture didnt change my feelings. I thought, You
made a mistake. Call me and apologize. Dont send
me enormous bouquet and say nothing. However,
after calming down a little bit, I chatted with my
girl friend, Melisa, on the computer at work and
she helped me to see that it was not such a horrible
thing that Luca did. Also, that he obviously regrets
it and was trying to make up.
Later that same day, Luca sent me a beautiful
poem about a boy looking at the stars. In the
seven years that we knew each other but werent

together, wherever Luca was, he would look at the
stars at night and always imagine me looking at
them at the same time. It made him feel connected
to me.
It was a beautiful poem, mostly because I knew
that hetravelled a lot. I could easily imagine him
sitting in the middle of nowhere in India, looking
at the stars, feeling melancholy and thinking of
me. At least that is the picture I had in my mind
when I read a poem.
After I read the poem, I wrote him back telling
him how much I really liked it and that we should
see each other soon. We met later that same day
and the most romantic period of my life continued.
After that first month of dating, we went to Rome
for New Years and it was beautiful. Unfortunately,
I still had a problem with sleeping and his snoring
was keeping me awake, so we slept in different
rooms. I felt really bad about this, but he was a
real gentleman. After some time we got use to
sleeping apart. Even later, when I finally started to
sleep better, sometimes it was just easier, because
of his snoring, to sleep apart. Though, not on trips
any more after that first time. It would be a big
burden for our pockets to pay two rooms or a suite
everywhere we go and there is some romance in

waking up in same bed when you are on holiday.
However, for me, this arrangement was not
unnatural, because even when I slept with a guy
in the same bed, I would sleep on my side without
cuddling during the night. Actually, similar to most
men, after sex I would like to move to my side
and sleep. They say its a man thing, but not in
my case. I believe there are just some people who
prefer to sleep alone and others who like to hold
each other throughout the night. Unfortunately,
with these troubles, my sleep is not very deep
and even the slightest movements or sounds can
disturb it.
Rome was magical but also full of tourists. Never
have I seen so many tourists in one place. The
Spanish Steps were virtually invisible due to the
number of people there. It was winter and people
were wearing dark colored coats and jackets, so
the stairs were covered in black.
While we were there, a little incident happened
in one of the clubs that we went to after our New
Years dinner. Some guy was looking at me in a
way that upset Luca, so he started shouting at
the guy. Luca was drunk by then and so was I,
so we left the club. It was the only time he was
aggressive like that though. After this incident he
controlled himself much better and, in time, he

seemed less jealous. In fact, nowadays, I think I
would be a little happy if he acted a bit more like
that. It seems like I can talk to anybody now and
he doesnt react at all.
At the end of January, we decided to go on a
skiing holiday to the beautiful slopes of France.
In the southeast part of the country there are
mountain ranges of the Alps, the highest and most
extensive mountain range in all of Europe. The ski
resort was named Courchevel. It is a part of Les
Trois Valles, which is one of the largest linked ski
areas in the world. And this is where some of my
physical troubles really began.
At this point, I wasnt aware that I had been
seeking and found a parent in Luca; someone who
was taking care of me. Every half hour he would
ask me, Are you all right? He would call me three
times a day while I was at work and would come
to my office if I was upset about something. Even if
a part of me didnt like the over attentiveness and
thought that he was exaggerating, or over reacting,
another part of me, the needy part, the part that
didnt get much attention from my parents when I
was young, truly enjoyed the attention.
The first day we went skiing, we got to the ski
slopes and we skied for about two minutes when
I just couldnt ski anymore, because my ski boots

hurt me so badly. This was perhaps a bit strange
because I had those boots forever. They were my
sisters when she went to high school. And even
though they had always hurt me a little bit, I could
always ski in them. But now suddenly, I couldnt
ski in them at all. Thats when we decided to go
buy some new ski boots for me.
The next day, after successfully skiing in new
ski boots, we went for a walk. However, this time
I soaked my winter shoes all the way to my skin.
I was feeling miserable and just couldnt walk in
them anymore, so we went back to the apartment.
Then, I just became too cold to ski! In the past I
had skied in storms, but now suddenly I couldnt
ski at all because I was absolutely shivering from
the cold. Something strange was happening to me
physically or psychologically and I just couldnt
understand what it was.
On the third day Luca was energetic but skiing
just too fast for me and going too far from our
mountain. I was really afraid that we would not have
time to get back before the rope-tow shutdown.
Weve gone too far! I shouted to him. The
rope-tow will stop working and well be stranded
out here on the mountain forever!
Ok he said, Lets just ski faster then!

I dont want to ski faster! I complained. And
youre going in the wrong direction! We should go
that way, I insisted. And dont ski behind me! I
added. Even though he was no Bode Miller himself,
whenever he skied behind me I felt self-conscious
about my own skiing.
I really didnt want to go too far and then have to
ski like a maniac to get back in time. Still, perhaps
the whole time in France I was also nagging him
a bit just to test how much he could tolerate (how
much my mummy loves me). I guess I was also
a little concerned that he still had this divine
image of me. And part of me just wanted to bring
him back to reality (just a bit). Through it all, he
was so nice and took it in stride.
Suddenly, I fell and tore a ligament in my knee.
I was so exasperated and in pain. It was like the
icing on an already horrible cake. When I think of
it now I cant believe how annoying I was to Luca
then. But then, it would take me some years before
I would finally understand many of the things I
was doing in my life.
I called my parents to tell them that I tore a
ligament in my knee and that I needed to come
home. I was shocked when they told me that I
couldnt stay with either of them. It made me feel

like I was an orphan and I broke-down and cried.
My mother recanted and called me back to say,
of course, I could come to her house, but by that
time Luca had already offered for me to stay with
him. He told me that he wanted me to move in
with him anyway, and it didnt have anything to
do with my knee or where to stay. He had wanted
to ask me earlier but he didnt know how.
I knew that, since we were still in the early
stages of our relationship, this might not be the
best of choices at this time, however it also felt
like maybe this was meant to be. As a result, and
with a little hesitation, I agreed to move in with
him. In reflection its interesting how destiny can
suddenly change the course of our lives in the
blink of an eye. Im still uncertain this move would
have happened so soon if I hadnt been injured.
Chapter Two
My Man and His Jungle
t was a cute apartment made for a single guy. In

the bedroom there was a black bed that went
from one wall to the other with black silk sheets,
which I hated. This sliding around on the sheets
was just not for me, while the black color made
me feel like I was lying in a coffin. Actually, all
the furniture in the apartment was black except
for the kitchen cupboards, appliances and the
living room sofa. I tried to add a little bit of color
by buying some light green colored sofa covers,
some colored sheets and a bed cover, and one
orange cupboard (my first choice would be light
pink or blue but Luca liked orange and for me
everything that wasnt black was acceptable). I
also arranged fresh flowers in vases just to warmup the apartment and make it feel homier.
My apartment, on the other hand, didnt really
look any better. Although it wasnt black, it was
missing some furniture and warm elements. I just
didnt have the money to make it beautiful. Also,
I wasnt at home that much anyway, I was usually
there just to sleep.
As Luca and I began living together, it was

harmonious. Luca was very attentive but we did
have a few conflicts from time to time as we
started to learn more about each other. However,
this was normal in any relationship as you learn to
make compromises. I also think, in the beginning
of a relationship, people try to change each other
to match their expectations. In time, you find out
what things you can actually change and what
things are just immovable boundaries.
In one conversation I said to him, We never go
out; ever.
He responded, Yes, we do. We went out last
Sunday.
That was a lunch with your family. I reminded
him.
Then he said resolutely, Yes thats the best kind
of outing.
But that doesnt even count for going out to
me. I protested. Going out for me is when you
get together with your friends. I explained,
and then added, And having lunch with family
is a duty.
This made him rather upset and he disagreed by
saying, For me the best time spent, is time spent
with family. How can you even say it is a duty?
Well, for me it is a duty. I countered. Id much

more prefer spending my time with my friends
than with my family. I grumbled. My family
only talks about problems and I feel compelled to
constantly try to solve them. I complained. My
friends I said sweetly, simply help me to relax.
Nobody asks me to solve his or her problems
except maybe relationship issues. But even that is
fun sometimes. Everything is easygoing with them
and it makes me feel happy.
We had several arguments like this and they
slowly seemed to resolve as I started to enjoy more
family lunches with him and his family and he let
me take him to birthday parties of my friends as
well as group gatherings.
After a while, this was enough for me as I began
realizing that there were other things which
were ultimately more important to me; like his
helping me with the house chores, doing things
for me when I dont have time, helping me solve
business problems or anything involving my lack
of technological knowledge.
Luca, on the other hand, is very technologically
experienced. His apartment was full of some
gadgets and tech-advanced stuff. The TV was huge,
like a two seat sofa and had two remotes; one for
TV, the other for satellite dish (SKY programs). It

had options to pause the real time TV, to go back,
to record programs. Nobody that I knew had those
options on TV yet at that time in Croatia. It was a
dawn of digital TV in our market. I was just lost
with these controllers and all the functions.
One morning, while I was lying on the sofa and
trying to watch TV, I somehow broke it. And that
was just the first thing I broke. Then I broke the
apartments sound system and later I ended up
breaking the shower head. I just couldnt get it to
spray normally. I was standing on one foot trying
to put the sprayer in the right position to shower
when everything just fell down and broke. I was
so distraught that I called my mother to come and
pick me up so that we could go and buy another
high tech shower head (all the other things I didnt
know how to fix, but this I could do).
My mother and I went through dozens of shops
until we finally found the right one. I bought it
and felt just a little bit better. My mum said, Hell
send you back to your apartment if you dont stop
breaking his things! However, Luca said nothing
about the TV remote or the sound system, he just
fixed them quickly, with a smile on his face, never
got angry, and never said anything about them.
He never even noticed that the shower head was
replaced because I changed it the same day that

I broke it. However, few months later I told him
about it and we laughed about my left-handedness
with handling high tech stuff.
I wasnt used to someone reacting so calmly
about unexpected trouble that happens to him
or to things he cared about. My father was always
very intense about everything, even when he was
picking up the phone you could literally feel the
nervousness coming through the other end of
receiver, chilling your ear by the second. Luca was
always happy whenever I called. Even when he
was in a meeting he would answer and say hed
call me later. For that, I loved him every day a little
bit more.
He was supportive of me in all of my decisions,
even when some of these may have looked
irrational to other people. It is important to me
to have my boyfriends support, to feel there is
someone standing in my corner cheering me on.
And I am so grateful that this is exactly what he
did for me. Especially, in the months to come when
I found myself in very difficult situations both
physically and emotionally. He was there for me
even when I found the only way out was through
some unconventional methods.
The ligament in my knee was still hurting me

a lot, and eventually I had to consider getting
surgery to fix the problem. I did some physical
therapy before the operation and then after as
well. However, even after doing everything I was
supposed to do to repair my knee, it still hurt a lot.
The doctors told me it was because of something
called, Sudeck syndrome, which happens in about
5% of all traumatic injuries. Its often due to long
periods of immobilization after an injury or an
operation like I had with my knee. He told me that
I needed to exercise more. So, I was exercising
every day for at least two hours. When I wasnt
exercising, I was walking with crutches or on one
crutch because it still hurt so much. I have to say
I was so frustrated that I couldnt walk normally,
even after one year from the day of the accident.
In all the pictures from that period, I look like an
invalid on crutches. Yet Luca, once again, took my
struggles and frustrations in stride.
He helped me every day with a million little
things, like driving me around to doctors, taking
me to work or for me to go get something done,
getting me juice, a book from another room, getting
food from a store, and just being there for me.
One time, I had to go to my therapy during my

working hours. I asked my boss if I could go and
I told him I would be back in an hour. I knew it
might take more time than this, so I was in a hurry.
Because of this, when I was in the parking lot, I
wasnt really concentrating and I bumped another
parked car.
I had hoped nobody was in it, but there was an
older gentleman who came out of it immediately
and started yelling. The bump was almost not
visible but he was raging like a maniac. I was
getting panicked that it was getting later and later
for my therapy session. So, I called Luca and he
came in a matter of minutes. I went to my session
and left them to work out some sort of agreement,
which they did.
I am just so grateful that Luca has always been
there for me when I needed him. That feeling
of security is such a nice thing to have. In fact,
despite all these little hiccups and struggles with
my health, he proposed to me a year later on the
anniversary of our first date.
Chapter Three
Here Comesthe Bride
t was a movie-style proposal, one that most girls

dream about. Although, to be honest, I dont
think that I ever really dreamed about the details
of getting married like most other girls or even
getting married at all. Perhaps, it was because my
parents marriage was not a happy one. I was just
fine with the thought that one does not have to
actually be married to be happy. However, I am
so happy that I did get married. The experience
of being proposed to in such a grand style was
amazing all by itself. And now, I must say I truly
enjoy my married life.
Luca was clever in how he mastermind the
proposal. Even though I knew we would be going
out to a restaurant to celebrate our anniversary,
I had no idea what he was really planning. In
anticipation of our anniversary dinner, I dressed
up for what I thought would be a nice dinner out
with my boyfriend. Luca led me outside and there
was this huge white car in front but I ignored it
thinking it was for someone else. I started to walk
towards the center of town but then Luca gently

guided me towards the car. Then I really took a
look at it and saw that it was a limousine. I was
shocked. My legs couldnt move. He had to almost
carry me into the car.
Luca often called me a hippie girl, because he
knew that I didnt really care much for this grand
style and fancy things. I thought of such things
as wasteful, extravagant or just showing off to
impress others. That just wasnt me. However, this
did impress me and I do now love to talk about the
proposal. And I suppose after sometime, I have
gotten rather used to the comfort of finer things.
When you get use to living like this, it is hard to
let it go.
We were in the car driving somewhere, but I
didnt know where and he wasnt telling me.
Where are we going? I asked rather nervously.
Youll see. He said.
Then I noticed we werent going into town.
I pressed him, But we are getting out of town.
Where? I hope not far!
Still, nothing from him, except silence and a
grin.
I noticed there was a gentleman sitting in the

passenger seat in front. And why is there another
man sitting in front? Are they going to take turns
driving? Are we going far? Are you crazy? Maybe
they are abducting us. I think maybe I had seen
too many movies.
Still, not a word from him.
Finally, a half hour later we arrived at a beautiful
castle. We went to a private room and the guy who
I thought was the extra driver/abductor took out
a guitar and started playing beautiful music in one
corner of the room.
Okay, I thought to myself, feeling a bit unsettled.
This is very romantic for a simple anniversary
dinner. Although, I do hope this guy wont be here
the whole time. He is hearing everything we are
saying and its getting on my nerves a little bit.
Knowing what I know now, Im really glad that I
didnt say that out loud.
After one of the courses, I excused myself to go
to the restroom, and when I returned, there was an
antique looking hat size box in place of my plate.
What is that? I said, now slightly frightened
that it might be an engagement ring. I honestly
never even imagined myself getting one.
Open it. He said, smiling.

I opened it, and there at the bottom was a
beautiful princess cut diamond sparkling back at
me. Contrary to all the reactions of all the girls
Ive ever seen on TV getting a ring, I really didnt
know what to say or do. Was he supposed to say
something now? I was thinking. Like, Will you
marry me? or Will you be my wife? or Do you
want to spend the rest of your life with me? But
he was silent.
I wasnt sure if he was creating a dramatic pause
or just waiting to see my reaction before saying
anything. Then, feeling uncomfortable I said,
perhaps a little bit clumsily, Well, are you going
to put it on my finger or what?
With a smile from ear to ear he put the ring on
my finger, and this is how we got engaged. It was
done rather quietly but was filled with emotion and
feelings of happiness and joy. In fact, on the way
back, I had intended to call my friends, Melisa and
Sara, to join us in the little ride through town in
the limousine, but instead we were so emotionally
drained, we both fell asleep and woke up in front
of our house.
The next day, I called a few of my friends to tell
them about the engagement and describe Lucas
proposal to them. I felt a little awkward about it

because not many of my friends got engaged before
their wedding. They just kind of set the date of
their wedding without a lot of racket about it. So,
my story was something that doesnt happen very
often. Especially, since I wasnt the kind of girl to
wait for something like that to happen.
Later, we also took my parents and Lucas father
out to dinner to tell them the news. Sadly, Lucas
mother wasnt alive to see her son getting married,
however, they were all very happy for us. Although
it was, perhaps, a surprise for them because they
told us that they had almost lost hope that either of
us would ever get married. Neither Luca nor I had
made great choices in our previous partners, who
neither of our parents liked very much. Happily
they were excited about this unity.
We made a date for the wedding pretty quickly
after the engagement, just six months away. It was
to be at the beginning of June when we could
have an outdoor wedding (I really liked outdoor
weddings that Ive been to). The weather is warm
and sunny then, and also most people are still in
Zagreb in June. They start to go on vacation in July.
Apart from the anxiety that I had about getting
married, I also had worries about my knee. I still
had problems walking sometimes and I wanted to
be able to dance on my wedding, to feel healthy,

capable of hiking, and diving or riding a horse on
our honeymoon.
Three months before the wedding, I started to
exercise on a special machine to strengthen my legs
called a Full Body Vibration (FBV) machine. They
are machines used by the Russian astronauts while
they are in space to reduce muscle atrophy. The
wedding and honeymoon were great incentives
for me to get my knee in shape, and I gave it my
best to get my leg back in form.
Anxiety really got to me ten days before the
wedding. I got migraines that just didnt go away
with any medication. I even ended up at the
hospital on an infusion pump.
The migraines were so intense; I just didnt know
what to do anymore. Then I received a phone call
from my high school friend, Leilani, from America.
She told me that she would be able to come to my
wedding (I was an exchange student in the US my
senior year of high school). In that moment, I just
knew that the very instant that she would arrive
I would be okay. And I was. She came three days
before the wedding and stayed in my apartment.
We went for dinner the first night she arrived and
talked about our time in high school, the people
we went to school with, and about her parents and

her siblings. Amazingly, my migraines just went
away. I think I just needed someone to redirect
my focus from the wedding.
The wedding wasnt huge, but not a small
event either. We had around one-hundred-andfifty guests. What I really wanted was a small
ceremony and then a party for friends. But Lucas
family wasnt happy with that idea. After all, they
have at least fifty people in their family and, of
course, everybody had to attend. With that many
people already invited, there was just no chance
of us having a small reception. This meant that
we certainly should invite all my friends and all of
Lucas friends. Then, of course, my parents and all
of their friends; suddenly there we were, forming
a small concert.
Since I didnt really want a big wedding, I didnt
get very involved in much of the organizing of it.
I suppose I wasnt much of a typical bride. In fact,
Id say that Luca was more of a Bride-zilla than I
was, and far more concerned over the details. This
was probably because of his big family. Whereas, I
would have been content with it just being us and
a few close friends.
He really did a great job at it too, as he set about
finding this wonderful wedding venue. It was a
really beautiful garden with a pool and big green

lawn. Nearby there was a hall for indoor dancing
and the main dinner. He also hired the catering, the
band, arrange for the lights, and for the professional
dance instructors who would be responsible for
keeping the party active and making sure that
everyone was having a wonderful time dancing.
And everyone did have a wonderful time.
Everyone, that is, except my very good friend,
Melissa, who managed to cry throughout the whole
wedding ceremony and reception. The reason for
her tears was, of course, a guy. By the end of the
party, however, she did smile a little, taking one
whole cake home with her and taking pictures of
herself with the attractive waiters.
You might be asking yourself, what did I do
for the wedding? Well, mainly I held my floral
bouquet, posed for photographs, and accepted
the cards and gifts offered to me. Actually, I
did get involved in some of the smaller duties
of the wedding planning, like finding the
photographer (I am an amateur photographer
myself), choosing the flower arrangements for
the reception, making invitations in the shape
of little boats and buying photo albums as gifts
from UNICEFs company in Zagreb. I was really
happy about that, because usually no one even
takes home these little guest gifts. At least this

way, we were giving money to charity.
I just wanted it to be behind us. I think I
wanted to go into the marriage as unnoticed as
possible. My parents didnt have a great marriage,
so frankly, I was afraid of it. I thought maybe no
one could really be happy in marriage. Perhaps,
if I didnt have a big party, I wouldnt even notice
that I was married.
The ironic thing is that, in reflection, I was
actually very happy that I was proposed to in
such a romantic and grand way and that I had a
bigger wedding. These are memories that will last
a lifetime.
For a present, from nearly all of our invited
guests, we received a trip around the world. We
had planned this ourselves as we opened a bridal
registry account with a travel agency. Guests could
pay as much as they wanted toward our honeymoon
as a present instead of a typical wedding gift. I
mean I like cooking sometimes, but crystal glasses
and china plates instead of a trip, never!
The trip would last for six weeks, but I had just
a little bit more than 4 weeks of vacation time
coming to me. This meant that I needed to think
of something to get the remaining time off. I really
couldnt think of how to make that happen, so I

left figuring this out for later (as I often did). I had
hoped that something clever would eventually
come to my mind, although, it often doesnt. And
then I get myself in some complicated situations.
Luca told me I should give notice at my job
because I was unhappy there anyway. Still, I was
afraid what people might think if I got married
and immediately gave my notice. As if I married
just so I wouldnt have to work.
Our honeymoon trip started in England. We
went to see Stonehenge and to visit Lucas relatives.
Then on to Rio de Janeiro, where we walked along
the Copacabana with all of the beautiful bodied
Brazilian people, feeling just as enthusiastic and as
beautiful as they are.
There was one incident where some guy threw
something looking like dog-poop on my nice
white tennis shoes while I was busy looking at
some ripped torsos playing football on the beach.
Then he wanted to clean it with some water and a
cloth and get money for it. What an entrepreneur!
Luca came to the rescue quickly and said we are
calling the police. Thats when the entrepreneur
disappeared without getting paid, and my poor
white tennis shoes had to be cleaned at the hotel.
Next, we flew to Peru; Cusco first, where I was

having headaches every evening and couldnt
understand why. Then on the day we were leaving,
Luca told me it is from the altitude and you could
take some pills or oxygen for it (he knew because
he had been there before).
Thanks for telling me. I said sarcastically.
Well, I told you before. He said.
Why didnt we go and get the pills or oxygen
then?
His only answer was, I dont know.
That was the first of many miscommunications
we would have over the years. One would think
that, after seven years of being together now, I
would get use to it. But no, I still get angry and
confused and have to correct my emotional
behavior again and again.
Cusco is a beautiful little town with rich,
luxurious churches and a lot of heritage from the
Incas. We also, of course, had to go to see Machu
Picchu and I am grateful no accident happened to
me there. I didnt fall down a mountain or anything
like that. It must be their Incan magic working
miracles on me.
After Cusco we went to Iquitos in the Amazon

where a sick monkey landed on my head at the
exact moment when I was taking off my vest.
The vest was over my head and eyes, so I couldnt
see what was happening above me. Then all of a
sudden I just felt something heavy fall on my head.
I started screaming and the guide took him off of
me saying, Poor thing he has a temperature, he
is sick.
I said to Luca, Oh, this is just lovely. Now Im
going to get Ebola!
But not a half hour later, when we went to an
animal sanctuary in the Amazon, and while we
were in a tree house, a snake escaped from its
little enclosure. I immediately ran for my life down
the stairs and into the jungle forgetting about the
monkey and Ebola.
The guide in the Amazon had a tonsillitis attack,
and the minute I found out I said to Luca, I am
getting that for sure! My immune system in those
days was really weak.
Of course, when we arrived in Santiago de
Chile, on the second day that we were there, I
got tonsillitis. I had a fever and a sore throat like I
never had before. My whole body hurt and I could
hardly move. We had to call the hotel doctor who
examined and gave me antibiotics to take every

eight hours. I was miserable being unable to
see more of the city. All I really could say about
the city of Santiago de Chile is that there was a
beautiful view from the hotel room where I spent
all four days of our time resting. It really was. We
had windows that went from floor to ceiling, but it
didnt compensate for the sadness that I felt about
not seeing more, walking through the streets,
eating in the restaurants, and feeling the vibe of
the place.
After beautiful Chile, which I didnt really see,
the Easter Islands were the next destination on
our itinerary. It is a place out of this world, wild
and mysterious. There are grand stone figures of
people called Moai standing on the shore of the
island looking at the sea, hoping that one day the
people that brought their makers to that island
will see them and take them home again.
Wild horses run around everywhere, on the
beach, in the town, through the cemetery, and
all over the island. There is just some magic in
the air like you are not really in our world but in
some fairy tale. Although, it is a beautiful place
of wilderness and mystery, I still found time to
complain about the weather being little too cold
and too humid for me.
Next, we arrived in Bora Bora to stay in a little

house on stilts above the water. There were coral
reefs around the houses, so that there are no big
waves, sharks or any danger. You go to your terrace,
down by the railing, down a ladder to the sea and
you swim in this turquoise colored water. You can
see all the colorful fish and feel the beautiful, soft
sand under your feet. It was a mesmerizing and
tranquil experience.
There was a place there, where you could swim
with sharks behind the coral reef, but first the guide
would feed them very well. We watched as others
went in and then Luca and I were almost the last
ones to go in. What I was most afraid of were the
stingrays. They were big and you could never know
where those lethal tails of theirs would end up.
I kept thinking about that Australian guy, Steve
Irwin, who died from a wound he received from a
stingray. He was very famous for his documentaries
about crocodiles and other dangerous animals,
and in the end he died because of a stingray.
This happened just before our trip, so I was even
more terrified of swimming with them. But I did
it so I could say I did or maybe I didnt, but you
werent there, so I can say I did.
One day, after being there for some time already,
I went to swim and when I was getting out of the
water I saw a moray eel, which is a big snakelike

fish, going in the rocks right under our terrace. I
could actually see it through a view-window in the
wooden floor whenever it was going out of its hole
in the rocks. After seeing it, I was a little bit more
careful when going into the water, especially by
myself. It felt a little bit safer with Luca.
Our honeymoon was almost over after Bora
Bora. We went to Sydney for three days and then
on to Singapore. When we got to Singapore we
were suppose to go to Bali from there, but thats
when I realized that I was suppose to be at work.
I thought maybe I would just call-in sick to get the
remaining time off, but unfortunately, my regular
doctor (who I knew very well) was also sick. That
meant that I had to call another doctor who told
me I had to come to her office to be examined
before she could give me a note for work. That
was a problem considering I was in Singapore.
This, of course, cut our trip somewhat short,
and instead of going to Bali, we went back home.
Unfortunately, because it was such short notice,
we couldnt get two tickets on the same plane.
Therefore, Luca, my new husband, stayed a few
days more alone in Singapore until he caught a
later flight.
Ironically, I ended up giving my notice within

a month after our return from our honeymoon
anyway. Yes, I could have planned that better.
Despite the disappointing way it ended, the
honeymoon was overall fantastic. Even my
knee didnt hurt so much during the trip. It was
probably because I exercised night and day on
those FBV machines. I was so grateful that I was
able to dance at my own wedding and go on this
wonderful honeymoon.
Chapter Four
New Wife, New Life
e came back from our wonderful honey

moon full of stories and impressions. I
guess after so much time off, I should have been
rested and ready to start working again, but it was
just a very boring job. They moved me from one
department for organizing eventswhere I really
enjoyed the workto another that I just didnt
like as much. I dont even know what they were
doing there.
This new job was also during the time when I
was going through operations for my knee, as well
as the follow-up rehabilitation therapy for it. Half of
the time I wasnt even at work. I tried to transfer back
to the old department. Unfortunately, I didnt have
good enough connections to make that happen.
There was another girl who had better contacts
than I did and she moved to that department. With
this change, I finally decided that Luca was right
and I should just quit the job, so I did.
Not having to work provided me with a great
opportunity to get my knee and health better. I
was excited; I had a plan. After I had that fall

on our skiing trip I had problems with my knee
and had a surgery but it was still hurting and not
healing as expected. This is why I went to another
doctor. The first one was a well-respected doctor,
who my dad also knew very well, but I decided to
see another doctor to get a second opinion. He told
me that my knee was not cleaned very well, so I
went in for another operation to get it cleaned up.
Exercise was part of my everyday routine; just as
it had been since the day I fell. I was exercising like
I was getting ready for a roll in a movie, for Conans
or some super-heros partner or something, it was
pretty intense. I was also getting rather good at
knowing so many exercise routines, I decided that
perhaps, I could teach others as well. Thats why,
after a year and half of this intense exercising, I
decided to enroll myself in school to become a
Pilates instructor. By this time, exercise was in my
blood, or at least, thats how I felt.
The second operation was a success and I started
my professional education to become a Pilates
instructor. I had previously completed my four-year
University education in economics, specializing in
marketing, but now I just felt I needed a change.
It was fun to go to school again. I really like
the challenge of learning new things; more than
I actually do to continue to do them. Once I learn

to do something sufficiently, I like to move on and
learn something else. I just feel that once I know
how to do something, it loses the excitement of
the challenge for me and then I hunger to learn to
do something new.
The School for Pilates wasnt as easy as I thought
it would be. Most of the students were people
that already worked as Pilates instructors in some
small studios but needed certification that they
completed the training. Some of them had even
completed studies at the University of Kinesiology.
This meant that I had to work twice as hard to
keep up with everybody else.
Every month we would have an oral exam and
then lead exercises for 10 minutes. I was always
good in learning facts, but I felt challenged in
leading the exercises. Mostly because I felt less
experienced than most of the people there,
especially the ones that were already doing it for
a living.
Two months before the end of my training,
I mastered most of the props used for Pilates
exercises and I found two students that were
wiling to workout with me at home. One was
my friend Mia who just had a baby and wanted
to get her body back to pre-pregnant weight, and

the other was a friend-of-a-friend who also had an
operation on her knee a year before and wanted to
strengthen her legs.
It was a great experience for me with few
demands because these were people that I knew,
and they had goals that I was confident I could
help them achieve, so I didnt feel much pressure.
However, as soon as I got a job proposal to work
in a studio, I felt more stressed. The owner of the
school proposed to an old student of hers to take
me as a novice in her studio. In the beginning I
dont think I was confident or firm enough.
I had a group of five students and it was strictly
a professional workout. No little chats between
exercises and no time to check out which
exercise we should do next. The first few weeks
were a struggle and the owner who gave me the
job said I needed to be more confident or she
would have to let me go. In the end, I did become
more secure and assertive in leading the group; it
comes with practice. Eventually, after six months
of working there, I felt confident enough to open
my own studio. That was really my dream, to
work for myself.
I found a great location for my studio and Luca
negotiated the lease. However, the building space
needed to be remodeled a little bit. Some of the

rooms needed to be rearranged in order to have
more space for exercise. It also needed space for
a bathroom as well as another for showering and
changing. It had two rooms for exercises. I painted
the one room for group exercises in a soft peach
color and the other, for one-on-one exercise,
in something between purple and magenta.
Everybody loved this second space.
Luca thought the whole studio was too small
and I should make it bigger. However, my dream
was to just have something small and simple that
I would enjoy working in. At that point in my
life, it wasnt about the money for me as it was to
fulfill a dream. However, it wasnt easy keeping
everything that simple, especially when you and
your husband were both raised by ambitious
parents. I began feeling a lot of pressure for my
studio and business to become successful as fast
as possible. Of course, then there are even greater
ambitions of opening more studios or a bigger and
better one. As you might expect, after some time
of trying to handle this pressure while working in
my studio at the same time, I forgot how to enjoy
what I was doing. I started feeling stressed and
tired all the time.
It was such a beautiful dream at the beginning.
When I was decorating my studio, choosing colors,
mirroring an entire wall, arranging the position

of the exercise machines and decorating the
reception space, it was exciting and I enjoyed it.
After the studio was completely finished, I
printed some pamphlets and distributed them
around town near the studio. I began with a small
group of ladies; we started at 7:30 am in the morning
before work. It was just the three of them, but for
me it was great because I was just starting to work
as an instructor in my own studio. Also, it was a
wonderful way to start the day.
A few weeks later two more groups started at
5:00 pm and 8:00 pm, and then at 7:00 pm and 9:00
pm. Many of the girls would bring their friends,
but then they would also become good friends
with other girls in a group. Groups were small;
around eight people were signed-up, but usually
only five or six women would show up at an
exercise session.
Soon I found someone to help with leading
the group exercises, because it was just getting
harder for me to physically keep up, and I also
started giving some private lessons. Not many in
the beginning, but there was one particular lady,
Helen, in her later thirties, determined to lose
weight that I wanted to help.
Helen worked in a bank and even knew some of

my friends that worked in the same bank. I never
really thought that a woman of her age would have
a young idol person (from our rather lackluster
showbiz scene here in Croatia) that she worships
and wants to be like. She admired a girl named
Natasha Sosek who was a TV presenter as well as
a fitness trainer, and Helen was inspired to be just
like her.
She was often comparing me to Natasha as well.
After deciding that I looked close enough to her
idol (not exactly flattering for me), Helen wanted
to see a photo of Luca. I think this was just to
compare Natashas boyfriend with my husband.
However, anyone could easily see that she was
slightly disappointed that Luca didnt look at all
like Natashas boyfriend! Poor Luca, he didnt look
enough like a male photo model. Of course, male
supermodels arent really my cup of tea anyway.
Thats just too much perfection, like Ken the
husband of the Barbie doll. I much prefer little
imperfections that make a man perfect, at least for
me. Most of all I like a mans character, along with
his eyes and his butt.
In a few months, Helen did achieve a more toned
looking body but because she didnt stick to her
diet, her weight didnt disappear as much as she
was expecting. Unfortunately, because she didnt

look close enough to Miss Perfect Natasha, after
the summer holiday Helen didnt come back. I
really missed her. She was very entertaining and
we laughed a lot together.
As the days passed by, and then months, there
was more work, but also more pressure. At one
point, the fun and play part of my business
simply disappeared, leaving just tension and
anxiety for me.
Generally, I believe that people dont do a great
job when they lose the excitement for their work.
And this was happening for me. I found myself in
constant self-inflicted pressure. I pressured myself.
We had enough money without my business
being a great success, so this was just something
I completely brought onto myself. I think it was
just the way I was brought up and built into my
character that made me push myself this way. It
also didnt help that my father was asking me every
few months about when am I going back to work as
a marketing expert. He just wouldnt take my new
business serious. This only made me want to prove
him wrong and that this was a serious business.
However, the pressure was really getting to me.
I started to open and drink a beer first thing when
I got home, to help me relax. At the time, I didnt

realize that this was a sign that I was starting to
crack. I told myself, A lot of people drink alcohol
after work. Its actually part of the European
culture to drink a glass or two of wine or drink
a beer after a day of work. However, this wasnt a
custom that I practiced and it was very unusual for
me to sit alone in the kitchen with a glass of beer
and a snack. On the other hand, having a glass
of wine or beer with friends was another story. I
could tell that this was different and I knew that
I had to change something in my attitude and
feelings towards the business that was suppose to
bring me joy. Unfortunately, I realized something
was wrong when it was already too late.
About six months after I opened my Pilates
studio, I woke up one night around 2 am with
intense lower back pain. I couldnt sleep on my
back, so I turned to sleep on my side. Then it
happened again the next night. I began sleeping
only on my sides, but even this didnt prevent me
from waking up every morning feeling like an
eighty-year-old lady.
I just couldnt move, like I was rusted. I had to
stretch each morning before I started my day. At
first I thought that I had pinched a nerve in my
back. I waited a few days for it to go away, but
instead it got worse. I started feeling some pain in

my hips as well. It was very difficult to find a good
sleeping position that didnt eventually wake me
up in the middle of the night.
I had heard that some memory foam mattresses
could help with problems like this, so Luca and I
went to buy one. But that was only a solution for
my sleeping problem, not for my health problem,
which was getting worse.
Chapter Five
Travel Swim Heal
hree weeks after the first pains in my lower

back, I began to feel pain in my tailbone as
well as my hips whenever I walked. I decided to
go to a few doctors. Since both my parents are
doctors, they always knew the best people to go
to when I had health problems. The doctors first
told me it was probably a problem in my vertebral
discs between L3, L4, and L5. I was supposed to
relax, get some therapies such as massage, TENS
(Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation)
machine, ultrasound, and to do some stretching
exercises for my back, as well as for strengthening
my core.
I followed this protocol for four weeks but the
pain wasnt going away. In fact, it actually got
worse. There was still pain in my lower back but
now it had progressed to my tailbone. It began to
hurt even when I was just walking and sitting for
a short while. The doctors told me that I needed to
totally relax and maybe I could swim, but only on
my back. I knew that I needed to relax more and
this provided a great excuse for Luca and I to get
away on vacation. Thats when we decided that

it would be a good time for us to go to Bali. We
missed going there during our honeymoon and
I needed a break, so this suggestion was perfect
timing. Plus, it was wintertime and we liked going
someplace warm in the winter.
Sitting on the plane for that long trip was a
little bit hard for me, but for Bali I managed it. It
is a beautiful tropical island with a wide variety
of plants from huge banyan trees to hibiscus,
bougainvillea, jasmine, and water lily. All you can
see around you are beautiful colors of green, violet,
purple, and yellowand the local people are very
friendly. I swam twice daily for half-an-hour, doing
a relaxed backstroke. I also got massages daily as
well, but sadly, there was no change in the pain.
A few months before going to Bali, I read the
book: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. In
the book, she mentions going to see an old healer
named, Ketut Liyar in Ubud, Bali. He is very well
known there and all the local people went to see
him, including the main character from the book.
So, one day while we were on a tour visiting Ubud,
I asked the guide to take me to see him. He asked
around for directions and we arrived at his home.
There he was, sitting on his terrace, just as was
described in the book, and he was smiling.
I explained my health problems to him, however,

it seems that the fame and celebrity had already hit
him. Instead of healing me, he spent time showing
me his name in the book saying, Me, Me, and
smiling! The only thing he suggested was that I
should go to Balinese massages; saying they are
very good and the pain would go away for sure.
He is my only connection to the actress, Julia
Roberts, she is my very favorite actress, and so I
took a picture with him. The movie was actually
filmed in Bali based on the book, and Ketut Liyar
had a small roll in it. Even though he was so
famous, and my only connection to Julia, I left
there feeling disappointed. I was really hoping
that he could help me and I would be going back
home without any pain. Unfortunately, that didnt
happen and this would be just the beginning of
visiting many different kinds of traditional and
non-traditional healers.
Once we came back home, the pain started
getting worse. I had one of the girls who worked
for me take over the groups in the Pilates studio
and I was just working with individuals. It was
easier for me since I didnt have to do the exercises
with them, I could just tell them what to do.
I went to a few different doctors who all gave
me different diagnoses. One told me I had a discus
hernia and Id end up with iron bands on my spine.

Another told me he could not see anything wrong.
Then another told me that they saw a lump on
the base of my spine, and still another said that I
might have had some kind of rheumatic disease.
However, when they ran some tests, they decided
that this was unlikely. It was all so frustrating; I
just wanted to get better and not be in pain.
While going through all these tests, I was also
going to a clinic for manual manipulation of the
spine and massage. I knew one of the doctors from
before, when I was going there for my ligament
problem. He also did his best trying to fix my
problem but without success. After a few months
of zero results, I simply stopped going.
My father gave me the address of a very good,
he said, manipulation doctor. A lot of people had
very good chiropractors or manipulation doctors
and I went to all of them. One by one I would
check them off my list. At the end I realized, they
just couldnt help me.
In the summer, Luca took me to a German
doctor who worked in Dubrovnik. This was the
town where Petar used to live when he went
to the university and where I used to visit him
often. I loved the part called Old Town within
these massive stonewalls. This is where Petars

apartment was and where the air smelled like
salty seawater. Every time I went to the port to sit
on the bench and look at the sea, I would feel at
peace. And thats how I felt when I got there with
Luca, at peace. The doctor there said that my spine
was not severely damaged and that cranial sacral
manipulation could help.
For two weeks I went to a health center in the
neighboring country of Italy, where they were
doing this cranial sacral technique. By then, it
was very hard for me to sit and I had to sit on a
pillow made from special foam for people who
have hemorrhoids. Seeing me with that pillow,
people would automatically assume that I too had
hemorrhoids. Also, I couldnt walk anymore.
Since the center was situated on the seaside,
I would often go out for a little bit each day
and walk by the sea. The walk lasted maybe 5
minutes, during which time I had intense pain all
through my legs, hips, knees and even my ankles.
I began feeling like an elderly lady since most of
the people in the center were elderly people with
bone, joint, and spinal problems It felt like I was
a young looking senior. I would come to dinner
and older people would say hello, some older
grandfathers would even flirt with me, it was like
I had ended-up in a retirement home to soon. I

would also go to the pools with other old folks
who couldnt move or swim, so we all mostly just
floated. They all played a game like Bingo called,
tombola and also dancing in the evenings, and I
started playing the game too.
However, I was even worse than them because
I couldnt dance. I would just go to my room
and then be very annoyed with the music from
downstairs. It was like I was an ill-tempered little
old lady and they were crazy teenagers dancing to
slow music songs.
I came back home feeling tired and depressed.
Going to doctors without results made me feel
miserable. Finally, the chief of the hospital where
I was a patient had a meeting with his colleagues
and they recommended that I go to a well-known
sports doctor. He treated many athletes at a rehabilitation center called, Terme Waterfall situated
in the eastern Croatian countryside. I was already
doing exercises for my core and getting spine manipulation as well as now getting treatments from
this sports doctor.
My days there were filled with treatments such
as massages, ultrasound, TENS and some magnet
treatments. One of my treatments involved going
into a room where some people were seated on a

bench and were covered with some yellow gauze.
The attendants had me lay down and then also
applied some yellow gauze on my back. I watched
as the attendant put the yellow gauze in a big pot
full of warm paraffin wax. It would be very warm
and, as they put it on me, it gave me a pain-relieving
feeling on my back.
Unfortunately, one time when we were hanging
out with one of the attendants there, while he was
on a break, he asked me:
What do you think the real color of the gauze
and the wax is?
Yellow, I said.
Well, actually its white. However, because
people sweat and they dont change the gauze or
the wax, after few times it starts to turn yellow!
After that, all I could ever feel was other peoples
sweat on me, so gradually I completely stopped
my warm wax therapy!
I spent between six to eight months there and
almost became part of the working team. I knew
all their problems, from relationships, to who
worked more and who did less. I knew the plans
for expansion of the center, how slow everything
went, and how desperate workers were to get

better conditions. I even took part in discussions in
their meetings. Other athletes would come and go
but I was like a permanent damaged fixture there.
After eight months went by, I was feeling a
little bit better. I could walk better; still with pain,
but for maybe at least fifteen minutes at a time.
Unfortunately, I still couldnt sit without pain, so I
stopped going.
One important thing I learned while I was there
was not to feel so sad for myself, because there
were people there who were in wheelchairs and
yet they were in far better spirits than I was. It is
very important not to lose your spirit. However,
this is easier said than done, especially when you
are living day in and day out in chronic pain. When
you dont see a way out, you tend to get depressed.
After coming back home from the center
Terme Waterfall, I had a new wave of motivation
to find something that would work for me. I knew
that homeopathy was one way to go and I found a
Russian homeopath that checked my health with a
special machine that tells you what organs are ill.
She of course didnt find much, just problems with
my back. Probably a slight protrusion of a disc she
said. She gave me these little beads to take, letting
them dissolve under my tongue. I was taking them

religiously but nothing happened.
Then I heard that some students of a famous
bio-energy healer from Slovenia named, Tomcic,
were healing people, so I went to them as well.
However, once again there was no improvement.
Although, I should have known better because I
went to that famous bio-energy healer before with
my knee and my sleeping problem and didnt see
any progress then either.
During the time I was going to Terme
Waterfall, I also went to another bio-energy
healer. I went to his home, where he took a
photograph of me and said I didnt have to go to
him anymore in person. Just call me or send me
a message and we will arrange an appointment
when you want me to work on you. You can pay
me through my account.
Do I have to do anything? I asked.
Find somewhere quiet and try to relax. He
said.
And then? I asked confused.
Ill work on you through your photo.
A good friend of mine said that she really felt
better when she did this, so I gave it a try.
That lasted a month and, once again, no results

were shown. Some people will say I was naive,
but you try everything when in need. Like the
time when I was leaving Terme Waterfall and
the sports doctor showed me a manipulation that
Luca could do at home. I had to lie down on the
floor and the doctor had made some marks with
a felt pen on my back where Luca would do the
manipulation. I was nervous and afraid that hed
do something wrong. He was nervous too because
he wasnt sure what exactly he needed to do,
and the result was really bad. He did some quick
movement and the spine started to hurt even
worse than before.
After this, I was just inconsolable. I was going
out of my mind with pain and crying all the time.
I felt that all the work the sports doctor did on me
went down the drain. So, I made an emergency
appointment with him. He asked what we were
doing, because it was much worse than the last
time he saw me.
We came home from that appointment drained
and devastated. The next day I needed to drive
to my exercise class but I couldnt find my car
anywhere. I usually parked it near the apartment,
wherever I could find a parking spot, but I couldnt
find it anywhere. Even my sweet Luca, who was
sick with a temperature at the time, went to look

for it but couldnt find it. Luck just wasnt on my
side, I thought, somebody stole my car! And it
was just a one-year-old car. The police said it was
unusual for a Hyundai Tucson to be stolen. They
asked me a thousand questions.
Where did you park the car? the officer asked
sternly.
Opposite of the house, a little bit toward the
center of the city. I said slowly with a bit of a
tremble in my voice.
I knew I was lying, because I usually never
really know exactly where I park the car. I would
park it somewhere in the neighborhood wherever
I found a free parking spot. But for some reason I
have always been afraid of the police, so I lied.
Did you lock the car? he further questioned.
Yes. I said meekly.
How do you know? he pressed.
Shit, how do I know? And then I lied again.
When I lock it, the lights blink twice.
But in truth I really do always check, its just
that I didnt remember to say that.
Do you know the address of the house where
you parked?
Oh no, I thought, this is too much, I cant lie.

Theyll ask the number and then Ill have to lie
again.
So, I just told him the truth. I dont.
The officer shook his head like he didnt like my
answer.
How did you buy the car? On credit?
No. I said, now feeling more anxious.
Can you repeat all these answers with a lie
detector test?
Shit, I lied a lot. I mean the last two answers
were true, but
Yes, I can, I say. I mean, what else could I say
now, no?
That afternoon two policeman came to our
apartment. They asked all these questions again.
They also asked if we had any enemies; someone
who would want to hurt us in anyway. And of
course, they wanted to know if I would willingly
submit to a lie detector test.
When I get scared I start to speak really slow
and my voice trembles, so even though I didnt
steal my own car, I was answering questions as if I
organized the theft myself. Its the fear of authority,

and I have it big time.
I was relieved when they finally left, but then a
new fear started to torture my mind. Luca and I sat
in our living room for hours after the police left,
thinking who might be the person that wanted to
hurt us and steal the car. At one point I remember
saying, I have a feeling as if I know the car is safe,
like maybe I lent my car to someone and I cant
remember who.
Early the next morning, I woke up with Luca
standing beside the bed saying something. I took
my earplugs out and heard him saying, I know
where the car is!
Where? I asked eagerly.
Near my workplace! he said excitedly.
And thats when it hit me, Of course! I had
driven to his workplace and then we went
together to the doctors. On the way back, I was
so depressed about what the doctor told me about
my back being much worse, that I forgot to get
my own car, and we just drove straight home.
Seriously, depression and chronic pain can make
you temporarily crazy!
Well, that was a relief, even though I had to do
the walk-of-shame through the police department
and tell them that the car actually wasnt stolen,

just misplaced!
Luca heard from a guy at work that there was a
Chinese healer who did wonders with acupuncture
and electrical current. So, I went to go see him. He
put some needles in certain points on my spine,
my butt, and on my tailbone area. He then put
some electric current through them. The electrical
current was strong, so I didnt feel anything else,
and he concluded that it was working, telling me
that I should come back the following day.
Nevertheless, I awoke with pain, so he started
to look for other points on my body to put the
needles. One place was really uncomfortable
for me because it was between my butt and my
woman parts. However, I thought, if that helps,
Ill do it. There was a nerve there that hurt a little
and it definitely went to my pain point, so I was
encouraged that finally I was going to get better.
After three appointments, he changed the place
of my visits from a not-very-pleasant-little-room to
an apartment where he was living when he would
come to the city. The apartment was owned by
a man who had been healed by this Chinese
acupuncturist. Hed had some kind of cancer. I
dont remember what kind. On the balcony there
was a dead pigeon. The kitchen and the living

room stunk and were a big mess. I mean, a real
mess. I am a messy person but this was just gross.
I laid down on the dirty sofa holding my vest
under my head and hoping it was all worthwhile.
There was also a girl who had a hernia and couldnt
move properly. She came two days in a row and
would watch while I was getting my treatment. I
remember that she wanted to get acupuncture as
well but was afraid of needles. On her third day,
she went through a treatment and immediately
got much better. She could walk and bend and
everything. After that, I stopped going because
I thought, if I went fifteen times and didnt get
better and she went three-times and was cured,
then I needed to find something or someone else
to do that for me, to cure me.
Chapter Six
The Right Diagnosis
ne day, as I was passing by, my next-door

neighbor told me that she went to a guy
who healed people with alternative modalities.
He was an older man and very pleasant. I made
an appointment and went to see him. I sat down
and he started to hit these little wooden drums
or bells. He told me to close my eyes. I guess the
frequency of the music, if that was music, should
heal me. After that he gave me an Indian wooden
stick and I was suppose to lie down in a magnet
bed holding that wooden stick. It was a surreal
experience, and while laying down I was thinking,
am I going mad? Maybe that is how you heal. You
go mad, and the fact that you have pain all over
your body, doesnt matter any more.
The neighbor who suggested this healer was a
manager for a big firm andafter my experience
with himI have always wondered how (if at all) it
helped her? It just shows how different we all are.
The pain continued to be very bad and I just
spent most of the day lying on the sofa, unable
to do the simplest of things. The depression

increased as well. My only goal for my day was
to be able to get up and go to a food shop around
the corner and then back again. Even that was
exhausting for me.
As you can imagine, I was desperate to find
anyone or anything that would help. Whenever we
would hear about a really good doctor who might
help, I would eagerly go to see them. But nothing
was working and I was getting more depressed
every time I would go to the hospital. With every
visit, my eyes would be filled with tears, although
I tried to cover it up so that my family didnt see
it. It was so frustrating because nobody could tell
me what was wrong with me and, of course, they
couldnt give me any kind of treatment.
Three times I went to different doctors who
wanted to give me a spinal block, because my
biggest problem was that I just couldnt sit. I was
an invalid, but kind of in reverse. Instead of not
being able to stand or walk (which I could do with
less pain) I just wasnt able to sit without intense
pain. Its not often that a person isnt able to sit
for more than five minutes. Therefore, not a lot
of people could relate or even understood how
frustrating it was for me.
It totally immobilized me and took away my

independence and freedom to go wherever
I wanted. I couldnt sit in a car; I couldnt even
work on a computer. I would try to half lay down
and put the laptop computer resting on me, but it
would hurt me so much that I wasnt able to really
spend a lot of time on the Internet to search for
anything or anyone that might help. I couldnt go
to a restaurant or cafe bar or eat at home sitting
at the table. Whenever I went to a friends house,
I would stand most of the time. A few times I
tried sitting with my cushion a little bit. However
the next day I would awake in greater pain from
the night before. All because I just wanted to be
normal and to hang out a bit with friends and have
a laugh. Unfortunately, I would be completely
incapacitated with pain the whole next day!
Again and again doctors wanted to try and
find the spot where they would give me a spinal
block, but they just irritated that area even more.
So much more that I wasnt able to even sit for five
minutes at a time for three weeks. Not even on
the special cushion.
One day I was talking to the wife of one of
Lucas friends. Her child had pain in one leg and
she was taking him to a rheumatologist who
was treating him for Ankylosing Spondylitis. She

recommended him to me, although he was a rheu
matologist for children. Even so, he was willing
to take me in and check my medical records and
listen to my problems.
After actually listening to me, which is
something that the doctors here never seem to
really do, he said that he was sure that I also had
Ankylosing Spondylitis. He recommended that I
go to a rheumatologist for adults. I was so happy
that finally somebody was sure they knew what
was wrong with me! I asked him if there was any
chance I could stay with him, but unfortunately,
he said that he worked in a public hospital for
children and there was no chance of that. He even
said that he has problems with his patients when
they outgrow the ages for staying with pediatrician.
Everybody wanted to stay with him.
At least now I knew what kind of doctor I
should go to! So, thats when I started to go to
rheumatologists. This is a very unique and busy
bunch of specialists, or maybe the system is wrong.
I use to wait for seven hours to get inside the exam
room. In the waiting room my back would hurt
even if I were laying down, which I did on the
filthy hospital floor; it was a nightmare.
Some of the specialists told me that there were

some indications that it was Ankylosing Spondylitis,
but they needed to do more tests. So, of course,
I did even more MRIs and RTGs. All together I
had three MRIs and two RTGs, and it was only
because every time I went for another opinion,
they wouldnt look at the images that others had
already made. They wanted me to make new ones
in their hospital.
Most of the specialists didnt see anything.
Thats when my father suggested I go to a doctor
who is the best at looking at MRIs. She saw some
changes in my joints and finally I had my diagnosis:
Ankylosing Spondylitis. Now the problem was,
that for most autoimmune diseases, there was no
real cure (just treatment) and that was the case
with mine.
There were some medications that would help a
little, so I started to take them. They helped maybe
20%, but I started experiencing big problems
with my stomach. I had intense pain as if I had an
ulcer so instead of oral use of medication I started
doing suppositories (my friend calls them, buttbullets) unfortunately they also turned out not
to be a good solution because after longer period
of using them I got hemorrhoids. Checking the
liver every month was a must and those results
were also getting worse.
Around that time I was at the seaside for our

annual summer holidays at my mothers house.
It was not the usual happy holiday for me. I was
low-spirited and not able to socialize because
I couldnt sit at the beach, in the cafe, or at the
neighbors. Most of the time I was at the house just
lying down or sometime I would go swimming in
the sea, doing the backstroke, which the doctors
recommended for me.
During this holiday, my mothers friend came
over and told us that she also had big problems
with her back. She told me that she had gone for
some rehabilitation at a relaxation center called,
New Energy where she got better. When I got
back to the city, she made an appointment for me,
and so I went.
What I understood about their treatment
was that it was some kind of meditation and
relaxation method. I had also heard that a lot of
people were having very good results with these
techniques. The techniques were dealing with
Energy. When I asked, what is Energy? They told
me, It is the friction of messages from the mindto-body communication.
Later, I would come to better understand
friction because I learned that negative thoughts
and words can impact your health in negative
ways. However, not just your health but also

your negative thoughts and words can attract
negative Energy around you in the form of
people, situations and events. Likewise, positive
or encouraging thoughts and words have definite
positive effects on all aspects of your life.
At the time (because of the pain I was in) I kept
thinking, I am not really interested in what you
have to say. I only want to feel better. I just cant
understand why is it that everyday someone gets
good results while I dont feel any improvement?
The treatment there consisted of lying down in
a very comfortable armchair that could recline all
the way back, and which made it easy to stretch
out completely. There were ten armchairs, so a
maximum of ten people could be in the room at
the same time.
This was a group relaxation and there was a
person they called the presenter who would
verbally guide us. The presenter would lead us
using imagery, allowing us to stop thinking about
the outside world and just turn off our minds.
At the same time they would transmit Energy to
each client. There were also experts who would
massage your acupressure points making the
circulation in your body stronger.
As I said, every day someone would say they

got better. Some people would come in with a
typical headache, or perhaps a migraine, and just
through these relaxation meditations, it would
disappear. Others would report that they have high
blood pressure and that it would drop, or some
complained of insomnia and, poof, it would get
better. I was listening to all these amazing results
but not experiencing any of it myself. At least, I
thought I wasnt.
What I wasnt aware of was that my spirit was
getting better. I wasnt as depressed as I was before,
which was wonderful. However, when I realized
that, it just made me more impatient that I couldnt
see or feel any physical results.
Almost all of the clients in the group got warm
feet and hands during these sessions and many
said that their whole body was warm, yet for me,
not so much. Feeling this warmth became my
standard test as the first step to know if anything
was happening for me physically. At each session
I waited to feel my hands and feet get warm but it
didnt happen.
A woman named, Laura, was introduced as the
director of the relaxation center and she gave me a
compact disc that was called Spine Regeneration.
Every night before sleep, I would listen to that CD

and relax myself. Then it happened. I would put
the CD on, go to bed and my feet would, seemingly
by magic, start to feel warmer. This made me so
happy. Finally, I was getting some results and my
feet were warm.
For me this was a big accomplishment on many
levels because even before I got sick, I always had
cold feet. I would typically go to bed wearing
socks, then with two pair of socks, then I would
get my feet warm by holding them under hot water
before going to bed. It got so bad that I bought a
pair of special socks that had some seeds sewn in
them where you put them in the microwave for a
minute for them to get warm before putting them
on. Having cold feet at night had really always
been an issue for me, so this was a breakthrough
for me and I was excited about it.
This breakthrough happened for me perhaps
six or even nine months after I started going to the
New Energy relaxation center. People often asked
me why I even continued going for such a long
time when I wasnt having any positive results. I
have three basic reasons.
First, I was really desperate to resolve my health,

and at the time I basically had already tried so
many things, this was as good as anything else.
Plus, I didnt really have anything better to do
and at the center I could at least socialize with
others without having to sit. After the relaxation
and while still reclining, we would talk about our
everyday lives, what we were feeling, seeing and
so on. The socialization was an added bonus to
the experience.
Second, since I had already paid for the sessions
and because it was an expensive way to learn to
relax, the least I could do, was to attend.
And third, I was always hopeful that if everyone
else there was getting some kind of positive results,
I would eventually benefit too. Thats the way I
am. Once I had the hopefulness of achieving my
goal in my mind, I wouldnt back down. I cannot
be the one who is not capable.
This whole experience became such an
important turning point for me that the New
Energy relaxation center became like my second
home. Once my feet started getting warm, I could
visualize in my mind that I could get even better.
It gave me great hope and encouragement while

helping me to shift my whole thought process to
a more positive one. Hope equals positive Energy!
Chapter Seven
Mixed Messages
t the New Energy relaxation center, people

talked all about their problemsall kinds
of problems, but I didnt. I thought it just seemed
pointless to share these things with people who
couldnt help me anyway. Relaxation, on the other
hand, was helping me and I felt it could help me
much more. At the time I didnt realize that it is
a combined technique of sharing your problems
and becoming relaxed, peaceful and full of Energy
to see your own problems in a new light and solve
them efficiently. Even though to others I may have
seemed like a very calm worry-free person on the
outsideand some people envied me for thatit
was really just a coping mechanism for me. Mostly
my colleagues at work, especially those who didnt
know me very well, would say things like, You
never worry about anything! Youll live for ever!
However, I was a person who experienced
things deeply, and because of that, I often got sick
easily. Still, even if I was feeling very sick, I didnt
show it. Its a defense mechanism that I really
wished I didnt have; however, I didnt know

how to stop it. I was born an empath, taking on
the emotions and feelings of others but without
showing my own.
Presenters were the ones that seemed to upset
me the most. I often thought to myself, They tell
others how they should live their lives but you can
easily see that they arent at all practicing what they
preach. Sometimes they would say that they have
some information about you without you having
told them anything (something like a fortune teller
or a psychic), like for instance one presenter said
to me, You can take off your necklace.
Oh, I thought I took off everything, meaning
earrings, necklace and wedding ring.
You have so many. He said smiling.
Well, my husband is good to me. Not exactly
the whole truth, because I begged him not to buy
me jewelry, I am just not a jewelry girl. I have worn
the same earrings and necklace for years. I dont
have an urge or the Energy to change these things.
However, Luca is a bit old fashioned in these things
and thinks that every girl likes jewelry more than
anything. Personally, I would prefer clothing, a
romantic weekend or a spa treatment.
The presenter, who claimed he received this

message from spirit said, That is why you married
a rich husband!
I was smiling pretending that I agreed, saying
Of course! However, I really thought maybe
these spirit messages from above got crisscrossed
somehow and were for someone else.
A few days later I could really see that he was
troubled by my status when he asked, So, how
do you feel about the crash of the economy?
Do you feel worried or scared about the future?
Because these feelings are bad for a person, they
are negative and dont do you any good.
One guy said, No, I am not worried.
I said, Neither am I.
Then the presenter turned to me and said, Of
course you arent, you have a rich husband.
Again, in front of a group of people, it felt rude
and inappropriate. I didnt understand why he
kept directing this negativity at me. Does he want
me to teach him how to get a rich wife or what is
his problem?
I asked him later if he had a problem with
money. Did he need money? In fact, I had heard
from others that he did need more money. He said,

Its not about a lack of money. These are just the
messages Im picking up.
I dont understand. I said, Ive never been
preoccupied with money, I dont even like it!
I have felt this way most of my life. Even when
I was in elementary school, I would tell people
that I lived on a different street than the one I
really lived on. I was embarrassed that I lived on a
street that was considered one where the wealthy
people lived.
He then said to me, You are the one with a
problem regarding wealth.
Yes, my problem is having money. I never
wanted it and surely didnt want a rich husband.
So, I dont understand why would you stress that
fact every time we talk? I replied.
So you feel normal about it, I guess. He
speculated.
But you are saying it like it is a bad thing. I shot
back. Like you think that is the only thing that I
care about.
This went on several times with him saying that
he got messages about me. But again, he wasnt
really getting it right and I told him that. It felt

like it was more of his projecting on me of his
own issues with money and not mine. This kind of
exchange went on for some time until finally I left.
As time went on, I actually started accepting
and feeling better about having money and status.
We had more of it than some people around us but
so what? No apologies any more. Im not going to
feel guilty for others not having it. I cant control
what they do or dont do in their lives. Luca and
I know that we help a lot of people and we also
know how to enjoy our life together.
In any regard, its not like we are rich by any
western country standards. We live in an Eastern
European country (well, geographically Croatia is
situated more in Central Europe but has the poorer
Eastern European living standards) where having a
little bit more means that you can take a trip once
or twice a year to another country. In the end, the
presenters messages in some weird way actually
worked. I stopped feeling guilty about having
a bit more than others. I dont know if this was
intentional on his part or not, but I still say that the
way the presenters talked to us was really strange.
Regardless of the false image the presenters
projected on me, I knew that my health was
more important than money. This is why I had

been spending more time than ever at the center,
focused on getting better. Unfortunately, my next
check-up at the rheumatologist didnt go so well.
My doctor told me that I should continue to take
the medicine he had prescribed. I complained to
him that it gave me stomach problems, however
he told me to take it anyway. I protested, It
doesnt help me very much and I still cant sit for
more than 5 minutes on a soft seat. Will I ever be
able to sit again?
Probably not. He said nonchalantly without
even the hint of a wink of his eye.
My eyes flew wide open. I couldnt believe what
he just told me.
But I dont have a baby yet. How will I carry a
baby? I said worried.
Well, you will not sit, thats for sure. Lay down,
walk
I have pain in my joints when I am laying down,
so I need to rest on an especially soft mattress.
What will happen if I gain thirty or more pounds?
It will be hard to get comfortable, even on the
special mattress.
Youll get another, he said unsympathetically.
After that visit I was even more depressed. It

seemed futile that I would ever be able to carry
a pregnancy, unless I stayed in a swimming pool
for the whole nine months. The pool was really
the only place I could get comfortable, as I felt
weightless in the water. First I had a problem
with sleeping and now with this sickness too. It
just seemed impossible that Id be able to have
children. I felt truly devastated.
My mother, my aunt and other acquaintances
would say, Dont go by what that doctor said.
You will find a way. It will get better in time. Why
couldnt you have a baby? I wish I felt their confidence. But their words would just make me feel
even more upset that no one seemed to understand
how bad the pain was. What I realized afterwards
thougha long time afterwardsis that they were
saying this because they just wanted me to get better. They wanted to believe that I wasnt that sick.
Perhaps, because it was too sad and depressing to
see me in the condition I was in.
Its actually a miracle that Luca wasnt on his
way out of our marriage. He had a wife who was
depressed and lying down on a sofa all day crying.
This must have been very hard for him.
As I said, it was hard to go on the Internet and
Google the illness, because there was no position
in which I could lay half sitting and have a

computer on me and search for more than twenty
minutes. And even if I could, I am not a great
expert at Internet searching, so it usually takes
me more time to find stuff.
Once, before I was given the diagnosis of
Ankylosing Spondylitis, I was Googling, where I
found other people that had a similar pain in their
tailbone. Most of them had broken their tailbones
somehow and then had to have surgery. It was not
an easy operation because there are a lot of nerves
in that area and there was a possibility that the
surgeon could cause even more nerve damage.
There was also the additional possibility that a
patient could go through the procedure and still
have pain.
We didnt know what else to do, so I went to
see a doctor in Zagreb, who performs this type of
surgery. He said that he could do it but he wouldnt
guarantee that the pain would go away.
You can arrange the operation downstairs with
the nurse. He said.
But I dont want to get operated on if Im not
sure what the result will be.
Then stop wasting my time. was his callous
answer.
He was so unprofessional and indifferent that

I decided not to go. He did me a favor, because it
turned out that I didnt need that operation. Its
doctors like this that make you appreciate when
you find a really nice one (mostly in private clinics)
who very patiently explains everything you need
to understand. It tends to make you feel better and
gives you confidence in them.
Sometimes though, when you find a doctor like
this nice guy, they are not as capable or as skilled
as a doctor as they represent themselves to be and
they can end up harming you even more. This lack
of skill can make a patients problem even worse.
Like the hotshot doctor I went to see for five
injection blockades. He did an internship in the
USA and swore that he had seen a patient with the
same exact problem as mine while working there
and told me that hed have to operate.
These kinds of misfits are common in my
country. I mean, maybe I was frustrated with my
condition and I was taking it out on the medical
system. Of course, my father wouldnt agree with
me, being a doctor himself. He would say we have
good doctors and medical services. Mostly they
are public.
People here dont have enough money to go to
private doctors, especially for surgeries. Therefore,
1 0 0 L u n a T r e e - T h e B a b y P ro j e c t
there arent usually enough clients for private

clinics. As I mentioned before, waiting for a check
up in a hospital can be a whole day event (that is,
after you get an appointment in which you have to
wait for few months).
Being in the condition I was, not being able to
sit or walk or stand for long, I used to lay down
on the filthy corridor floors of hospitals for six or
seven hours. And this was even when I went to
doctors through the connections from my father.
Most people that didnt have such connections
would wait for days, maybe months. Now, its not
like I am coming from some totally undeveloped
country, its not that bad. However the medical
system here is rather bad and disorganized.
This is partly why I went to so many alternative
doctors. You dont have to wait. You come in and
go out, maybe they help you and maybe they dont.
However, at least it makes you feel as if you are
doing something. Still my life was a shitty story, I
was miserable.
The happy part was going to relaxations and
for an hour and a half I could forget about my
problems, even though the pain didnt go away.
I even started to have headaches as well but they
told me it was part of the detoxing, so I accepted
it. At least something was happening.
M a ya B e r g e r 1 0 1
Headaches are something that Ive had since

I was three years old. They could last for days.
Sometimes I would have to get a kind of cocktail of
medicines injected in order for it to stop. Autogenic
training helped me with that a lot.
When I was a student at my last year of University,
a friend of mine, Vigo, told me that he was going to
Autogenic training and it was helping him to feel
much better. This impressed me because I knew
he was going through a rough time in his life and
this technique really seemed to be very beneficial
for him, so I decided to see what it was about.
All my life I felt I needed some group support
or some technique to learn so that I would know
how to handle and keep up with the problems in
my family that affected me deeply. These constant
tensions and imbalances were a part of my family
life for as long as I could remember and have made
an indelible mark on me. Its always been difficult
for me to really articulate what was wrong with
me, but I knew I needed to find some kind of help,
some technique that would bring peace to me
where I could feel safe and strong, inside and out.
A German psychiatrist created Autogenic
training; it is a method of relaxation using
visualization and progressive muscle relaxation.
After Id been a student of the technique for six

months, my headaches disappeared and had been
gone for ten years. So, it was a little disappointing
to say the least, when they suddenly came back
during this cleansing period at relaxation center.
A cleansing like this is a common thing that
happens to almost everyone during relaxation
and the process of releasing negative Energy and
accepting new Energy. Your blockages are getting
cleared and it may hurt like it does when you clean
an open wound with alcohol.
As much as Autogenic training helped me in
some areas like headaches, it didnt help me with
my sleeping problems, so I stopped going.
Luca was really great. He was helping me as
much as he could, and he didnt let it affect him
in a way that would make him more nervous,
depressed or less attentive. If I were in his shoes,
I truly dont know how I would have reacted. The
bad moods of others affect me very deeply and
quickly. I become anxious because I dont know
what Im supposed to do, while at the same time,
I feel that I need to definitely help somehow.
The thing is, in the end, everybody has to help
themselves, but at that time that was just a theory
that I was trying to put into action.
For the second time I started to become like a

member of a team where I was healing myself.
The first time was at the Therme Waterfall rehabilitation center and now the New Energy relaxation
center. Once again, I was learning a lot about the
people who worked there, what they like, what
they dont like about the center, what should be
improved, what their feelings were about the others who worked there, as well as other clients.
The problem with me is that I dont talk about
myself a lot but I am great at listening about
whatever things others want to share. You just
have to ask them direct enough questions and
they will share.
One guy was a bodyguard in a private firm and
the job was very stressful for him. He argued with
his colleagues, his wife and with his parents.
Eventually he got divorced. After he started to
work for this relaxation center, he became more
peaceful, he got back together with his wife and
they had a child on the way. Everything in his
life got in order. He was calm and a nice person
to talk to.
The people who worked there werent perfect,
but they were working hard to be calm, happy and
peaceful about everything that was happening
in their lives. The environment in which they

worked and also their way of looking at life were
both helping them to live their healthy philosophy.
Thats what it seemed like from the outside. When I
became an insider, I realized there were interesting
situations going on, gossip, and adultery, just like
in any other work place, but here they did it with a
genuine smile on their faces and they all had results
from Energy. That is why they kept working there.
Anyway, I started to hear about a master who
had healed a lot of them, and had also taught them
this technique of relaxation and the way of living
they were suppose to lead.
I came home one day and shared this with my
Luca.
It seems they have a teacher who is also a
leader and a healer who influences the presenters
work in a big way. They dont say who it is. Its
very mysterious or I just find it very mysterious.
Do you know his or her name? He asked.
No, nobody ever says the name, just master.
But it is a her, and I think she is Chinese. I replied.
Maybe its that Chinese woman that was here
about fifteen years ago. He reminded me.
I dont know. Who was that? I asked.

Dont you remember? There was a Chinese
woman here and she was healing sick people in
one big hall. People would come and stand in the
street waiting to get in to see her.
Hmmm, Maybe, that was her. But, I never went
to see her. I added.
I did! He said surprisingly.
Really, how come? So, how was she? Were you
sick? I asked anxiously.
No, a colleague of mine took me to see her. He
was very close to her. After that I went to China
for a year. He continued.
So, she inspired you to go? I concluded.
Yes, in a way! He confirmed.
I didnt know that! I mean, I knew you went
to China, of course, but you never mentioned
this healer. Did you feel anything when you were
there? I continued to ask.
Yes, I felt warmth through my body and I felt
dizzy. He said with amazement.
Do you think of her as a powerful Energy
person? There are a lot of people that claim to have
Energy healing powers and I went to some already,

so I am a little skeptical by now. You know. I said
a little cynically.
I know, but in my experience she does have a
powerful Energy. He affirmed.
There was a group of people from the relaxation
center that were being organized to go to see this
master in China. It was still very secretive, so I
didnt really know what they were supposed to do
there and what it would be like. What I did know
is that some people took out bank loans to finance
the trip and one person that worked in the center
asked me to lend her money to go. She came to me
totally frantic and asked directly, Maya, can you
lend me some money?
Expecting it to be like maybe a few hundred
Euros, I asked naively How much?
Ten thousand Euros. She answered.
I was looking at her waiting for her to start
laughing but she didnt. She was dead serious.
I dont have that kind of money! I said,
astonished.
Then, five thousand? She asked without
blinking an eye. When can you bring it to me?
She asked seriously.
I cant. I said to her, now I was aware of what

she was actually asking for, but I still felt a little
bewildered.
What was she thinking about me? Did she
think that I had money at home in a pillow
case, just waiting for her to borrow or maybe in
a bank account not tied to anything, just laying
around? It was a very weird thing to experience.
Unfortunately, this wasnt the only time this
happened to me.
At the time, I couldnt understand what
was wrong with these people. Why were they
spending so much money all the time on this
stuff? Afterwards, however, I understood that the
money they were spending on self-improvement
and learning about Energy as well as how it works,
was certainly worth it.
That winter Luca and I moved into a house in
the hills of the city. I never really felt at home in
the old dark apartment, because of the furniture.
I thought that, because it was a new apartment,
there just wasnt any point in wasting money
trying to change it. I really love a lot of colors in a
home and the old apartment was black with a few
beige items.
When we finally decided to move, I was so happy.
We moved into a house with a little garden that was
a little bit out of the downtown area and in a very

quiet neighborhood. We did some renovations to
the house and together we remodeled the rooms.
I had always dreamt of having a winter garden
room from which you could open a door and step
out to the real garden, so I was very pleased that we
renovated one of the rooms like this. The kitchen
was designed in the old English style that I love.
There was an aquarium in the wall between living
room and winter garden room. The bedrooms
were upstairs. It is a house that I truly love.
The first day of moving wasnt very exciting
though. The pain in my legs was still very bad and
when I realized that I would have to go to the first
floor to get my clothing, my cosmetics or whatever
I have upstairs, I started panicking.
That evening, when we retreated to the upstairs
bedroom, and perhaps from so much emotional
and physical strain, it was just impossible for me
because my legs hurt so much. It took five minutes
just for me to climb the stairs, with the last few steps
having to be done on my hands and knees, crying.
In hindsight, perhaps this was a bit dramatic from
me, however I knew that I would never be able
to continually climb these stairs daily. The only
solution was that we would have to put a bed for
me downstairs. Luca always remembers that day.

He later told me, I didnt know what to do or say.
I thought, what are we going to do now?
In reflection, getting a house with stairs probably
wasnt the ideal layout, especially considering my
health and the problems I had with my legs and
back. However, it really helped that the house was
beautiful and as I had always imagined my dream
house would look, except, perhaps for the location.
My ideal house would be somewhere near the sea,
in a warm climate. However, the interior of our
new house was so peaceful, calm, full of light,
and for me so beautiful. So, I powered through the
difficulty with the stairs.
As I became more involved in the relaxation
center, I started learning how to do a spine
correction massage. It was a bit demanding for me
at first because I had to stand for an hour, then I
had to press some points on another students
back really hard. At the time this student was a
guy who was also learning spine correction, so we
practiced on each other. Sometimes the positions
made it really painful to do this. However, I must
admit that when I was there in the center, I never
had too many problems with pain. I was always
more positive, happy, and the pain was always
more bearable. They said it was because of the field
of Energy there and I was starting to believe this.
I probably wasnt the best student when it

came to this massage work. And I kind of knew
that I wouldnt be earning money as a massage
therapist, but it got me a little bit stronger. I did try
giving Luca a massage a few times but he wasnt
thrilled with it. He said he likes massages with oils
and told me that the pressures to his back were
uncomfortable. That was my fault; I wasnt great
at doing the treatment.
One day Laura, the director at the center, asked
me if I would like to experience a Skype session
with a Chinese master. She said it would be a group
session and it would be at a very good price, so I
accepted the invitation. We were sitting in a half
circle around a plasma TV. There were ten people
in the room. Most of the people in the room had
already experienced sessions with her before,
either in person or via Skype. So, I was one of the
few who really didnt know what to expect.
I sat a little to the right and was not in view of
the little camera on the TV so, unfortunately, the
master wasnt able to see me.
The session was strange and confusing and I
walked out feeling absolutely nothing. Basically, I
didnt understand one thing that the master had
said. The organization of the session was very bad,
so my feelings and conclusion about it was pretty

negative. There were some people who left the
room talking about how much Energy they felt,
but for me, I didnt feel anything. Laura later asked
me if I wanted to continue to go to sessions but I
really no longer had any interest in it.
Two months later, just before summer, another
Chinese woman, called Lei came to the center. She
was a master of ancient Chinese astrology, which is
over four thousand years old. A Chinese astrology
chart can describe what kind of characteristics a
person has, the best ways to earn money, the times
when you may have bad health, what areas of your
body might be the weakest or may be affected,
what other signs/elements are best suited for you
in relationships, what elements you are lacking
as well as what you have an abundance of. All of
these can reveal the areas where a person is out of
balance as well as areas that are in balance.
I discovered later that Chinese astrology was an
important part of formalizing the philosophical
principles of Chinese medicine. I also learned
that a lot of businessmen seek the help of Chinese
astrologers to determine what trade area is the
best for them, when they should be buying and
selling investments, and much more.
What I learned about my astrology chart was,

apparently, I had no balance in my kidneys and
all my health problems were coming from there.
However, I already knew that bad kidneys are part
of my family genetics.
I later found out that Lei, who was actually a
cousin of the Chinese master, was also trained in
herbal medicine. She was offering a course and I
signed-up for it because I wanted to learn more
about how to help myself in a natural way, but
once again, it was poorly organized.
They told me, because nobody else signedup for the course, it would last for fewer hours,
just three, but I would be alone and therefore I
would get special attention to my questions. I was
looking forward to this. However, when I arrived
for the course there were three other people
there, employees of the center. This meant that I
wouldnt feel free enough to ask some personal
questions, as I would if I were alone. Additionally,
these other people from the center also had their
own questions.
I learned a few interesting things like the
best time of year when you are supposed to do
particular organ cleanses. Before this I had heard
about people who go on these liver cleanses all the
time and they dont know that spring is the best
time to do that. You can actually do more damage

than good if you pick the wrong time of year to do
that. All in all, I was hoping to learn more about
some special Chinese herbs that very few people
knew about and can help you get healthier in some
amazing ways, however we never got to that.
I also went to an astrology chart reading session
with Lei, but I dont really remember much of
what she told me. It seemed like it lasted just five
minutes but it was actually forty minutes. It just
went by so quickly. I mostly remember telling her
that I had bad pain in my hips and tailbone as well
as complaining about my parents.
I do remember her telling me, Your kidneys are
very weak! That is why you have that pain, and
that is why you have trouble sleeping! And dont
look for unconditional love from your parents, you
have a husband now, youll have your own family,
concentrate on that!
I know that. I was thinking at the time.
She recommended some herbs for me that Luca
went to London to buy. Also she recommended
a Chinese lamp that helps with pain in muscles
and joints. Luca came back from London with an
eleven-pound bag that was filled with these little
black beads that were composed of herbs.
I was to swallow forty beads/pills in the morning

and forty in the afternoon. It was exhausting
swallowing all those herbal beads as part of my
daily routine. I was also using the heating lamp on
my joints and spine every day. It felt good, because
it felt like lying down on the beach with the sun
warming my body.
Actually, my spine and hips would hurt if I were
lying on a pebble beach, or even on a sandy beach,
so this was the next best thing. I combined this
with an electrical massager and would massage
those areas during the heating time. In the end
it didnt really help that much as there wasnt a
long lasting result, however it felt nice when I
was doing it.
The thing is, if your spirit is low, and mine really
wasespecially after almost three years of pain and
despairthen nothing really can help you. I was
secretly hoping every time when I tried something
that it would help me, but I was too weak and
worried for anything to work. For instance, there
was one woman who came to relaxation saying,
I am the most positive person I know. Everybody
says so! And then in the next sentence she would
say how worried she was about her daughter.
Well she is at this age now, shes very sensitive.

They are going on a trip and there is a boy that
makes fun of her. I dont know how it will be
for them there. I cant protect heralso, it is her
senior year, and she should study more instead
of going on the field trips. They dont think of
anything in the school
And then someone said to her, Well, you are
worrying too muchLet the girl stand up for
herself. She is a dutiful girl, I dont think a field
trip will spoil her grades
Yes, well, I worry. She admitted.
But didnt we just talk about being positive?
No, it doesnt have anything to do with being
positive. Its my child of course I am concerned,
every parent would be!
So, people dont really see themselves as much
as they think they do. Many are in denial about
the ways they may be trapped in their own
negative thoughts.
Thats how I was. I was thinking I was positive;
all the while I was worrying about finding a
solution. The thing is when you are weak, a
solution can be in front of you and you will not

see it! But what human being will admit, that he or
she is weak. Certainly not people around me and
including me. I am still struggling.
Chapter Eight
Back to Life
fter two years of going to the Energy relaxation

center my circulation really got much better.
I didnt need my special microwaveable socks
to get my feet warm before bed. A friend, who
knew about my cold feet issue, had seen the socks
at a fair and told me about them. I asked her to
buy me a pair and ever since, the socks and I had
been inseparable. I kept them as a reminder and a
souvenir of those dark days. I knew how easy it was
to forget bad times in the past and was determined
not to let myself fall back into the same situation.
One day this guy named Ivan, from the center,
asked me if I was interested in doing another
Skype session with the Chinese master. She was
offering Skype sessions again but this time there
would just be one other person and she would be
able to see me and I could talk with her. I decided
to go ahead and give it another try. I guess Energy
created a chance for me to have a do-over with
this Chinese master.
I have to give credit to Ivan. He has this unusual
ability to persuade me to do things I wouldnt
ordinarily do. I find it really odd. There are times

when I know that he is going to invite me to
something, a show or an educational program,
and I also know that Im not going to want to go.
However, once he talks to me, I end up buying
not one but two tickets for the event. I just dont
know what it is about him. Maybe he is the best
salesman Ive ever met or he has some mystical
power. It isnt a physical thing, hes gay and I am
not attracted to him. Its just a mystery.
He told me I just had to go and I agreed that if
there were just going to be one other person, then
I would go.
It started out that there was only one more
person, but then five more people who worked
in the center came in! I was a little irritated with
that before the session started. I imagined there
was just going to be two of us and then there were
seven people sitting in the room. Luckily, they
didnt talk as much, since we, the two who had
paid, were given the advantage.
I sat there and the Chinese healer asked me how
I was and why I had come to the session. I told
her about the autoimmune illness, about all my
joints hurting, the problems I had with walking
and sitting as well as that I wasnt sleeping well
or through the night. Suddenly, I felt heat going

through my body and a heaviness. I am not sure
what she said to me after that, it was a little blurry,
but I felt really great. It was the first time I really
felt Energy.
This was not like the way you feel it but you are
not sure so you check with others. What did you
feel? And then someone says something like I
dont know like someone was moving me a little,
maybe? Or someone else might say with some
uncertainty, Well, a little bit of heat?, Like a little
wind?, or Like ants going through my body?
You can sense that they are unsure if they really
felt it or just imagined it. And then you might say
Yes, me too! Because when you think back you
kind of remember that you also felt a bit of wind
and maybe some heat. However, this wasnt like
that. This was strong, I felt the intensity of it a lot,
and afterwards I couldnt get up. It was really a
very powerful and unmistakable force.
I immediately bought a package of eight visits (it
wasnt cheap, but these days I would do anything
for those prices) and after three appointments I
really felt better. Like there was more life in me.
For the first time I was really feeling actual results
from a treatment and it was wonderful.
Luca and I made plans to go for an outing on

Saturday. It was a beautiful day and I felt better,
so why not? We went to a castle an hour from the
city and walked around a little. The castle used to
belong to my great grandparents, but after WWII
the new government confiscated their property
and it was never returned.
After this we went to a lake that was an hour
away and we walked around there; I was still
feeling fine. I did have a little pain but not like
before. Now, I was sitting and walking, it was
wonderful.
We decided to go to the coast of Italy, which
was another forty-five minutes away by car. When
I was younger a lot of people went to Trieste, Italy
for shopping and on excursions. Its the nearest
Italian town situated on the sea and, ever since I
can remember, women went there to buy beautiful
Italian shoes.
We arrived, walked around and sat for lunch.
By then I had to sit on my pillow because I had
been sitting in the car for almost three hours. Yet,
I still was able to go shopping and buy a pair of
boots, and then we drove home. For me it was the
greatest day in at least two or three years.
On Monday, I got some news that I didnt know
what to think about. At the Energy center they
were organizing a trip to the US to visit the Chinese

master for intensive healing sessions in a period of
ten days. It was yet another large sum of money
but considering how much better I was after the
Skype sessions, I imagined it would be even more
intense in person.
I decided to talk it over with Luca and he said
that if I wanted to, I should go. We would figure
out the money part. However, there was also the
problem of the long journey to the US. It would be
a twelve-hour flight and I knew that I couldnt sit
or even lay down for that long.
I went to a healing session and asked the
master for enough Energy to help get me to my
destination in one piece. I believed that Energy
would help me to get there, even if I had to stand
most of the time. Thankfully, I didnt. I bought a
business ticket and brought my own pillow made
from special foam and I laid on that. At this point,
I would do anything I could to get there, because
I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Just one other person was going with me. Her
name was Anna. I wasnt thrilled about it because
she didnt speak English and I would need to travel
with her to help translate.
Initially a guy named Tin, from the Energy
center, was supposed to travel with us and help
us, but because he hadnt fulfilled his business

quotas for the month he wasnt allowed to go.
Now, not only did I have no one to help me if I
got really bad, but I was responsible for taking
care of someone else. Tin was very disappointed
as well for not getting a chance to be with the
master and I was really furious at their continued
lack of organizational skills.
Even though I was feeling better, I still wasnt
in a condition where I could take care of or be
responsible for someone else. It was taking all my
energy just to deal with my own health issues.
Now, this was being foisted on me and I resented
it. As a result I was less than charitable to Anna.
Basically, I ignored her for most of the trip, only
helping her as little as possible. In reflection, I feel
bad about this but at the time it was important that
I stay focused on getting my own health better.
When we finally arrived at Oceanside, California
in one piece, I was very excited. I had really come
a long way, not just in travel distance but also from
where I had been with my health. For all the years
that I had been sick I didnt go anywhere, even
leaving the house was a major project, and now
here I was, on a trip by myself in the US.
We got in our rooms safely and the organizers
told us that the following day we would have the
first two-hour session. That next day the master

was there and she was a small, slightly fuller
Chinese woman whose age I couldnt really guess.
I was told she had just celebrated her 60th birthday
but she walked with the ease and quickness of a
much younger woman. Moving furniture around
as if it was made of balloons.
So, we had our first live session. I learned that my
kidneys were still weak, that I was generally weak
with no energy at all. I was also told that I rely
on my husband too much. I knew this was true. I
had always been a very independent woman, but
ever since I started going out with my Luca, he
was such a caring and attentive person, that I just
started relying on him more and more.
I missed that with my parents, that feeling of
love and caring. I was always nervous with them
because it was the wrong moment to call or ask
for a favor. With my husband it was always the
right moment and he was always there for me. So,
it was easy to just begin relying on him to take
care of me whenever I was sick and to help make
me well again. However, becoming too dependent
was really not making me better either.
While she was talking (she was about five
meters away, not touching me) I felt strong Energy
again. Everything she said to me would just feel

right and I would become aware of the things she
was talking about. They would just click in me like
somebody was installing a chip in me, or software
in my brain computer.
Afterwards, I went into the city alone without
Anna. I rented a car and went for a walk feeling
great. The colors where brighter, life felt better,
the people I encountered were nicer. The
following day I decided to invite Anna to go with
me. She didnt have a drivers license and couldnt
go anywhere. I was feeling more at peace, much
cooler, calmer and softer, so I thought, Why not?
The masters assistant, Kate, had told us about
the city of La Jolla near San Diego that is very
charming and peaceful with great shopping and
restaurants, so we went to go see it. It is a beautiful
spot on the Pacific coast with a promenade by the
ocean side.
It was very picturesque and there were sea lions
lying on the beach sunbathing and looking like
they were enjoying themselves immensely. We
also sat on the beach for a little while, soaking up
the sun and warmth.
Anna wrote her boyfriends name in the sand
and took a picture of it. She was a fifty-something
woman but acted young for her age. She wore

clothes that you would expect a younger person
to wear but it suited her personality and her figure
very well, I must say.
We talked about Energy and the master and I
realized that I could learn a lot from her. She often
went to intensive seminars like this one, at least
once a year. And every time she learned new things
about herself, about Energy, and about life in
general. It was interesting to hear her perspective
of Energy work and to hear someone so fully
believing in it. It was encouraging that she truly
believes that Energy can help in any situation; that
all you have to do is relax and just be sure the
result will be positive.
We went for a lunch in a cute restaurant with a
terrace that overlooked the ocean. Then afterwards
we went to browse through the shops for a little
bit, I even bought some trousers and a shirt. At
one point we lost each other, so I went to the last
shop where we were together and left a message if
she were to come back. Then I walked to the cafe
across the street and sat for a muffin and juice.
I thought to myself, well if she believes strongly
enough in Energy, it will lead her to me. Then
just twenty minutes later, there she was, not the
least bit anxious or upset. She was just peacefully
strolling around, looking for me. We talked a little

about our shopping and then returned to our hotel.
The second day of sessions I talked with the
master about my sleeping problem. I told her about
how it started because of problems in my family.
Again she told me some things to do regarding
my relationships with my family members. Some
of these things were not new to me but she told
me with such kind Energy, that I felt like I was
instantly changed. And I was changed because
when I went back home my relationships with my
family were much more positive.
One problem I spoke about with the master was
my sisters mental health. My parents constantly
wanted me involved in her situation but from
the beginning they really were ignoring that she
was having more and more problems. They were
getting divorced and they were dealing with that
while my sister was not coping well.
At the time my mother was totally hysterical. She
had gone through life, like a helpless child who
was completely dependent on my father, a control
freak. Once she was on her own, she was lost.
She did eventually find sanctuary in church
where she practically lived and sometimes even
slept (as an organizer of some events). I didnt like
this because I knew she was just exchanging the

influence of my fathers opinion regarding how she
lived her life with that of the people in the church.
In time, but were talking years (fifteen to be
exact), she would discover that sometimes she did
have her own opinions. However, at the time of
the divorce my sister, who was not a baby but still
a very sensitive person, started having greater and
greater problems.
My father on the other hand was all into himself
and his new life. Where would he live? What would
he do with his new girlfriend and her kids? Would
they like him? He would say he was concerned for
us, but from my perspective, the truth was that he
simply dismissed our family for his new one and
assumed that we would just take care of ourselves.
I started including my sister with me when I
went to visit my friends or to the holidays with
my boyfriend and me. I could see how she was
changing and becoming more and more isolated
and aggressive towards others. I even took her
for professional help but then my parents took it
from there. However, because they were medical
doctors they made everything even worse.
Instead of psychological treatment or cognitive
therapy, she was being prescribed medications,
and was not getting the help she really needed.

Out of frustration and a sense of futility, I isolated
myself from the situation. My parents werent
happy with that either. They kept insisting that
it was my responsibility to care for her as well. I
would respond by saying, I am not her parent!
And anyway, you never listen to my suggestions,
so what else can I do?
They just ignored me and continued to complain
that my sisters condition was worse and that I was
not helping.
On top of all this, I wasnt emotionally well
either. I was going to therapy myself, because I felt
like I was being torn apart. I wanted to help, but I
simply didnt know how anymore. I was frightened
that Id go mad too.
My mother was pouring herself into religion but
when she was at home, she was crying all the time.
My poor sister was brokenand I was feeling all
this guilt that they were putting on me about her,
while my father was showing me photographs of
his great holiday with his new girlfriend. It was
just crazy making!
Finally, after six long years of not sleeping, I
went to the master who told me not to feel sorry
for them. Feeling sorry, she said, would not help
them and, as she put it, it will just ruin you. This
was true; it was ruining me.
I had always felt I needed to do more for them
(even my mothers friends would call me to tell me
to help my mother) and I had guilt. However, in
that moment with the master I just felt relief as if
somebody had moved a heavy rock from my chest
and I could breathe again and it was beautiful.
Within just a few days of these sessions, my
sleep was better and I felt like the Hulk, or more
appropriately Wonder Woman, going around the
city invincible, being able to do whatever I wanted.
My spirit was just high, so high I felt I could fly. It
was quite a contrast.
On the forth day the event organizers told us that
we were going to Los Angeles to see a traditional
Chinese doctor who would prepare for us some
herbal remedies. Because of the terrible traffic in
L.A. it would be a two-hour drive to get there. I
was worried that I wouldnt be able to drive all
that way and back. But the master told me I could
do it, so I trusted her and we went.
Indeed, I was able to make it to the doctors
there and back, still with some minor pain in my
tailbone. The trip took almost the whole day, yet I
was very happy that I did it. It is weird how much
these Chinese doctors know just from looking at

your tongue, your ears (assessing the color, and
the shape), at your face and by taking your pulse.
They are like human ultrasound machines. He told
me what imbalances I had in my body and gave
me some herbs, but these were just a supporting
element in my healing process, the main effective
tool was Energy.
Sadly, the ten days we spent with the master
went by really quickly and it was time to go back
home. I was warned that when I got on the plane
to return back home I wouldnt feel as illuminated
any more. However, on the last day of sessions I
really felt like I got a strong connection and it
was helping me, even when the healing sessions
were over.
After the sessions, I went for a few days to
visit a girlfriend who lived in Los Angeles before
returning home. I told her all about my experiences
with the Energy but usually, especially when I was
in a bigger group of people, I didnt talk to anyone
about it because I just didnt quite know how to
explain it. Especially with people I didnt know.
When I returned home, I believed that the
Energy was still working on me and I was definitely
getting better. I now felt like I had to find the way
(money) to go there again. Even though my pain

was so much less now and I slept better, I wanted
to feel as if the illness had never happened, as if I
could press the reset button. I truly believed now
that this was possible.
Luca was so thrilled to see that I was happy
and able to do much more physical activity than
before. I was so much better that we decided to go
for a holiday trip to Thailand. This new relief was
like being let out of prison. Because of my illness
we werent able to really travel anywhere for three
years, but now we were both so excited to finally
go on vacation again.
Chapter Nine
Passing theTest
uca organized four different places to visit in

Thailand and we enjoyed ourselves immensely.
This was also when we decided that it would be
a good time to start working on having a baby. I
was thirty-eight years old and he was three years
older, so it was not like we were youngsters. Time
was moving quickly and our biological clocks
were ticking. I had been also experiencing some
hormonal changes that affected the regularity of
my period and I worried a bit that I might stop
having a menstrual cycle altogether. Considering
where we were at in our lives, the timing of this
vacation was perfect for such plans. It helped also
that I had been reading some romantic novels, one
among them was at the time a hit book in Croatia
named Through the Laces.
It was an erotic romance novel that I resisted
reading when a friend first introduced it to me.
However, with a lack of easy to read books available,
especially one without any substantial plot or
psychologically perplexing characters, I decided
to try and see if it would be something I might

enjoy. It turned out it was definitely something that
made my husbands and my love life more intense.
Its like watching an erotic movie. Lets just say, it
makes you feel more amorous.
It was just a perfect holiday. I did relax everyday
a few times and tried to be with Energy as much
as I could. I began noticing that I was standing
up for myself much more as well. I guess this was
because I had much more energy in me to express.
When we got to the island of Kho Phi Phi Don
it was beautiful. Unfortunately, the hotel where
we were staying had these really hard mattresses,
which really hurt my back and made sleeping very
difficult. Some people like really firm mattresses,
but if you dont, beware when going to Thailand.
Youll sleep on beds that feel like you are sleeping
on a concrete floor, and its the same in all kinds of
quality hotels there.
I went to the reception desk to ask if they had
a softer mattress because I have a bad back, but
they said no. However, I saw some mattresses
that they were moving around through the resort,
so I asked about those. I dont know if they were
embarrassed that they had those or they didnt
understand what I was asking, but they said they
didnt have anything like that at the resort. Yet,

here I was looking right at them. I then asked if
there was perhaps a shop nearby where I could
buy some large sponge, like a softer mattress cover
or something.
They said, No shops like that on Island!
I asked But perhaps in the village there is
someone with softer mattress that I can rent?
She said, I ask.
I think she said that just to get rid of me because
she never got back to me about it. I decided I
would just take matters into my own hands and
take a foam cushion from the lounge chairs that
were lying on the beach and put this on my bed.
Luca was entertained and in awe of my moxie,
walking twenty meters behind me pretending he
didnt know me. I was literally stealing it from the
beach in the evening and it wasnt an easy thing to
conceal. Carrying it around through little passes
covered with my towel, which of course covered
just about a third of the thing. But it was worth the
risk because I did sleep a bit better.
Then the next day while Luca went diving, I
went to breakfast and when I was coming back, I
saw it. On the veranda of one of the little cottages
at the resort there it was, smiling at me, an old,

battered, soft mattress. I rejoiced to myself, I
knew you were here somewhere!
I went inside the cottage where there were
two employees making a bed. I asked them if the
mattress was free to take. They gave me a look of
surprise but nodded yes. I explained I had been
looking for that mattress everywhere because I
have a bad back and I finally convinced them to
carry it to my room.
In the end, even though we had a great time
trying, we didnt make a baby. I was told that
Energy-wise, its not always a good thing to have
too much sex, especially in a short period of time.
It could put too much pressure on your kidneys
and mine were weak already. For men, frequent
sex can raise testosterone levels and increase the
chances of going bald at a younger age as well.
However, if you want to have a baby, these are just
things you accept and enjoy.
When we came home I started to go to the
relaxation center again. The Energy there
doesnt compare with the Energy of the Chinese
master, but it was much better than no Energy at
all. After having my experience with the master
in the US, I knew how vital Energy was for my
health and how important it would be to my

dream of having a baby.
It wasnt long before the relaxation center was
organizing another intensive with the master
again. This time it was in New Zealand. I really
had to think about this one. The organization of
these intensives was honestly the worse I had ever
seen. But I knew that in spite of this, the rewards
to my health from the Energy would outweigh the
negatives. I had my goal, and it was to get well
and maybe, since I knew that the Energy was truly
helping, have a baby.
A trip to New Zealand would be expensive, so I
consulted with Luca. We decided to give everything
we could for an intensive healing program that
would get me healthier and ultimately well enough
to have a baby. I mean, lets be honest, would you
rather have money and be sick or not have money
and be healthy? There really is no choice.
So, I prepared myself for another long voyage.
And traveling all that way was, once again, difficult
for me with sitting for long periods on the plane.
New Zealand is even further away than the USA,
so this made it significantly more challenging for
me but I made it to the resort.
It was a huge resort called The PowerLands that
had just opened on the Southern Island of New
Zealand with a lot of land and a river running

through it. The resort was in the middle of the
island and it took about three hours from the
airport in Christchurch to the resort.
As I understood it, there was a schedule when
the master would be coming to the resort to do
Energy healing sessions. With a holiday coming
up, the group of people from the Energy center
that were planning to go to this event wanted to
use the holiday time for their trip (its easier to
get vacation time during holidays). However, since
I wasnt working, I was able to leave earlier for
the resort. I had also heard that the master was
planning to come a few days earlier than the
scheduled event. So, for the first few days I was
the only client, except for the employees there,
who were all very nice to me.
Still I wondered, what would I do all day? I
had Energy sessions with the master, relaxations
that were led by an employee of the resort in a
relaxation room very similar to a relaxation
room at the Energy center in Zagreb, and spine
corrections. However, the day is long and, since
I didnt have a car, all I could do was walk around
and read. So, I walked and read. And walked some
more. And read some more. Then I would eat, then
another session, and, you guessed it, walk again.
After three or four days of this daily pattern, I

started to feel more peaceful, not looking for some
kind of excitement or people to socialize with. I
began feeling more content with quietly being on
my own, just nature and me.
The sessions I attended included resort
employees but even that was fine, because I learned
a lot from their questions, about their problems,
and from their behavior. When other attendees
finally started arriving I felt almost like a child from
the wilderness who wasnt used to being around
people and socializing, which is strange for me
because I am typically a very social person.
When everybody finally arrived, we attended
our first organized trip to see the Chinese doctor.
Once again, it was incredible what these Chinese
doctors can tell you from your eyes, ears, tongue
and pulses. He told me, You had a spontaneous
miscarriage.
I was being smug and said, No, I didnt!
But then I remembered that I had an abortion.
So, I told him.
Then he said, I know. Whoever did it, didnt
clean it properly!
That was actually true. I had to go twice for
cleaning because first time something wasnt
right. How they know that from feeling your pulse

is beyond me!
As the days went by I realized that this time my
trip was very different. The first time I got a lot of
strength, wellbeing, and a feeling that I could do
everything I wanted to. This time I got tranquility,
peace, and inner happiness. Everything was good
and everybody was great. I kept saying to everyone
to keep calm and not to forget this feeling when
they go back to civilization. I didnt even know
why I was saying that then. But now I know. Its
because its so easy to forget and just go back to
your old patterns.
One of the tasks I gave myself was how to get
over a certain fear I had as I passed a bull in one
of the pastures as part of my daily walks. Ten
cows surrounded him and he would watch me.
It was actually a terrifying experience for me. I
thought getting over this fear might also help me
to confront other fears that I had. Fears like, will I
ever be able to have a child, how will I do it, will I
ever be completely healthy again? There were fears
about my relationships with my parents, with my
friends. I worried about what they would think
about Energy healing, because up till that point,
I hadnt really talked much about it with anyone
except Luca. They knew that I was trying different
things like Energy healing but they didnt know

how it worked or anything else about it.
Probably for the people from the country,
walking past this bull wasnt a very big deal, but
it was for me. I really feared for my life. I kept
thinking, Well, this is great. I came here to get
better and now some bull is going to run me down
and that will be it for me. Done, life over! Every
time as I walked near the group, I would stop
dead in my tracks and then slowly start walking
backwards. I wouldnt even turn my back to him
until I was a safe distance away.
Every day I would decide, this is the day I will
walk by the bull, but I would still back away. Then
on one particular day I went for my walk and I only
saw some cows without the bull. A lady from our
group was also walking there and told me it was
safe to go on, so I did. Then I passed another woman who also told me it was okay! Then suddenly,
I saw the bull with a group of cows. There was a
third lady there who was walking a little on the side
of the road but had already passed them. She told
me, Go! I will keep an eye on the bull. As if she
could do anything but yell at me if the bull started
to run towards me. So, I started walking slowly,
I passed the cows, I passed the bull, and then he
turned around and looked at me and I just turned
my back to him and walked away slightly terrified

but I did it!
It was a great success for me, and my little fast
beating heart. The lady said the bull watched me
for half a minute, which felt like an hour in that
moment, and then he just turned and walked away.
And I became a little braver each time I would go
on my walks and pass him. It was like some kind
of test that I felt I just had to pass.
I also felt like Energy put those ladies from the
group there, on every corner of the resort, to
help me pass the bull, and thereby allowing me
to make a whole circle around resort. I feel like
I really learned a lot about myself there. I had a
lot of realizations about my behavior and the most
important thing, how to accept it and, ultimately,
change it.
Ive learned that it is really important to have
a goal. By focusing on a goal you take your mind
off yourself, your pain, any problems, and what
other people say. As much as I thought I didnt
care about other peoples opinions, I did. I still
do, but not as much.
Before I learned this valuable life lesson, I would
ask Luca, What are you telling people, they are all
looking at you in awe? He is very aggressive and
very straightforward about his ideas. I mean, I call

it aggressive, he says its passionate. Although,
his way does sound much better! But the difference
is only in choosing words.
I, on the other hand, am a person who cares
what others think, not wanting to hurt their
feelings. So everything I say is often packed in nice
little packages. I think I developed this behavior
by talking to my mother and trying not to hurt
her feelings, perhaps because she cried so much
all the time. Now-a-days Luca sometimes asks me,
What are you telling people?
I say, Well, the truth!
Some of my filters have just disappeared and it
feels great not to worry so much about what others
will think about what I say. Now, he is the one
saying, You dont have to be so insensitive about
other peoples feelings. And then I think, Well, I
wasnt. If my friends cant hear what I have to say,
then I dont need them as friends.
It is very different from the person that I was
when I was young, hiding where I live, just
because kids might have thought we had a lot of
money when we really didnt. We still dont. We
may have more than some but still not enough to
pay for my health as much as I need. So, what is
enough money?
During those wonderful sessions at the Power

Lands resort in New Zealand, I also learned that I
am very sensitive to energies; all kinds of energy,
bad energy as well as good energy. This is why I
got very good results with Energy healing but it
also showed me why, when I went back to the real
world, I would easily pick up negative energies
from others.
I would often talk with people who seemed to
love telling me all about their problems, and I would
start to feel worse and worse. Like somebody was
squeezing my chest. Many times I wouldnt even
have to talk to them and I would start feeling sick.
Usually these were habitually negative people who
were, perhaps, just waiting for someone like me
who would take away their stinky Energy. However,
I know that most arent doing this on purpose.
There are also people with positive Energy but
they dont seem to be as prevalent. When I first
got my yellow Labrador, Rio, we would go for
long walks, sometimes we would stop and hang
with other people and their dogs. There was a
particular couple in their forties I would often
see and I wouldnt even have to talk to them, but
just standing near them felt so good and relaxing.
Picture me standing beside some strange people
feeling enormously peaceful, like I am standing
beside Buddha or (so as not hurt my mothers

feelings) as if I were standing beside Jesus.
I have learned that our egos can be our enemies.
We often dont know how to dial back our egos
and this can keep us from growing. Sometimes
people might hurt our overly inflated egos, and it
can make us miserable or make us so angry that
we just burnout our life energy for nothing. Its
like being in a car and stepping on the gas pedal
but with the brakes on. Your gas is disappearing
and you are not moving.
The main purpose of these Energy sessions is
really to change old behaviors and to keep this
new vibration, even after the sessions. It isnt
totally about simply realizing what you are doing
wrong, its also about getting strong enough to do
something about it.
When you are in a masters pure positive
Energy field, it comes automatically, but when
you are alone you have to use your newly stored
Energy to change yourself. The same principle is
applied in all aspects of life whether its business,
relationships, or health. When we have a blockage
in any of those areas of life, we feel stuck and are
unable to move forward. The only way to get past
this is to let go of the old way of functioning and
embrace the new; we must change our behavior.
As the days passed I felt better and more in

control of my ego and I even felt I could be calm
and healthy for a longer time, like a year or more.
It was very encouraging. Clearly Energy healing
was changing my life and helping me change my
behavior.
Other people who came to this intensive had
some great results too. Some were clearing, like
this one woman named, Nika. She came with a
group of people from Slovenia. She was a pretty
blond woman in her late thirties who had some
emotional issues that she wanted to understand
better and learn how to control them. She was very
sensitive to Energy and she even saw Energy in
the form of color and shadows, but still she wasnt
completely convinced that Energy could help her.
One day she would be completely convinced
that Energy works and the next, she thought she
imagined everything. Still, through the whole stay
there she was crying almost constantly. Even when
she was smiling she was crying. Shed say, You
remind me of my daughter! or You remind me
of my mother! And then she would just look at us
and cry happily; detoxing her emotions. When I
saw Nika again a few months later at the relaxation
center in Zagreb, she looked much better and so
much happier.
There was also woman at the intensive that

had an illness similar to mine. She couldnt walk
or move very easily but started to look much
healthier. And by the end of the intensive she was
walking much better.
Everyone ended up having a beautiful time there
when we were together or alone, we were always
enjoying that positive field of Energy.
Chapter Ten
My Golden Period
hen I returned home from the New

Zealand Intensive I felt like everything
I touched turned to gold. It was so funny but
amazing as well. I got an interesting job offer to
work in a partnership, subletting apartments to
tourists for short stays during the holidays. It was
very serendipitous how this happened.
An acquaintance of mine named, Sasa, was an
economist working for an insurance company and
he also sublet apartments to tourists during the
holidays and was looking for more apartment units
to sublet. As it happened, I had been renting my
old apartment (where I used to live when I first met
Luca), to a lawyer as a business place but he needed
to move to a bigger office. I wasnt sure exactly
what to do with the unit until I spoke with Sasa
about the possibility of subletting my apartment.
This was really perfect timing. I fixed it up to
make it look like a cozy little apartment enough
for four people. Because of his other work for
the insurance company, Sasa needed someone
to handle the registrations, organize property

viewings, cleaning-service; advertising, etc. So,
ultimately I went into partnership with him to
handle the rentals for three additional apartments.
Altogether we had four apartments for short
holiday stays in the center of the city.
Zagreb is typically a destination stop for tourists
on their way to the beautiful Adriatic Sea and they
dont usually stay more than two or three days.
In the last five to ten years the number of tourists
has increased, so this was a great opportunity to
exploit, especially if you already had an apartment
to rent.
During this time, I also started taking courses
to become a presenter at the Energy center for
relaxation sessions and this was exciting for me as
well. A presenter is the person who leads clients
into the state of relaxation.
My good luck even extended to finding great
parking spaces everywhere I went. Maybe this
isnt such a big deal for most people but I could
never, ever find a parking space. Then after my
return, suddenly wherever I went there would be
one perfect parking space waiting for me. Even the
other students who took classes with me asked,
How do you find the best parking spaces here in
the middle of the day? I would simply say with

a smile, Its Energy! I had such high spirits that
my mind was never focused on thinking about any
kind of problem.
Before this time, I used to have conversations
in my head, Will I find a parking space? Surely, I
wont! Ill have to go to the garage and pay! Maybe
I should look anyway? Well, I knew it; I cant find
any free spaces, not even in the mud!! Shit, now
Im already late!
However, since returning from the retreat,
I came back with a new attitude and such a
positive outlook that positive Energy seemed to
follow me wherever I went. I no longer had these
negative conversations in my head; I was just so
positive that I would find a space that it would
just automatically happen.
One of the women from the intensive named,
Lara, that probably had the greatest progress in
the ten-days at the retreat, also came home with
a more positive attitude. For the first week and
a half she was telling everyone how great she
felt and how the trip had changed her life. She
was really glowing. However, after a while, she
started to go back to her old ways of living, and
her old ways of communicating with the people
around her. She began listening and taking in

their negative opinions.
The power of persuasion is a big influence
but can come at you in subtle ways. If you have
someone in your life that is always negative and
doesnt believe in the power of Energy healing,
and you hear about it every day, then day-by-day
it chips away at your own convictions. At some
point you begin to accept their doubts and they
become your own. You then start to lose your
belief in it as well. Our everyday thoughts have
such importance to who and what we ultimately
become that it is important to pay attention to
what you think about everyday.
Its often easy to forget how good you now
feel compared to how bad it used to be. You
might even adopt the notion that not much has
changed. That happened to me too, even though
Luca believed and actually saw the big difference
in me, from time to time he would say something
like, not much has changed. However, I would
remind him about when we first moved into the
new house and how I had cried and cried because
of how difficult it was for me then to climb the
stairs to get to the bedroom.
There were a million other things to remind him
about concerning how bad it was before and how
so much better my health was since the healing.

At the same time, I was reminding myself too. This
was an important thought because it reinforced my
belief and conviction in the power of Energy. We
need to be on guard about how very quickly our
memory of the bad things fade and we settle into
a complacency of life as we take on new patterns
of living a better and healthier life.
I have a great example of this in my life from
when I was seventeen years old. I went to the USA
as an exchange student and the first host family
that I was placed with was not such a great memory
for me. I didnt enjoy living with them very much
as they werent very warm people. Thankfully, I
was able to move to another family and I had the
time of my life with them. Now, when I talk or
think about that year in the USA, I always talk as if
I lived with the second family for nearly the entire
year and perhaps with the first one for maybe a
month. The truth though was that I was with the
first one from the middle of August till Christmas.
The strange part is that I have almost no memories
of living with them at all. I dont even remember
what I was doing those first few months. All I have
from that experience is a memory of the other
family and the great time I had with them!
The memories of the negative experiences fade
but these can serve a useful purpose when we use
them to compare our life before with our life now.

It can keep us focused on how far we have come
in our journey and how much we have achieved. I
stayed positive and in touch with Energy because
I knew that if you go back to your everyday life,
the old messages can come back. Gradually you
can start to act as you did before and that kind of
acting and thinking is what brought you into the
problems with your health in the first place.
This new way of thinking isnt easy. You have
to literally change your way of living starting from
when you go to sleep, waking up, doing relaxations,
doing meditation exercises, correcting yourself
when you react with worry, with fear or with
anger. And, of course, you should be in touch with
Energy as much as possible. Now, Im not saying
that I did all of these things 100% but I was doing
them as much as possible and doing my best not to
go back to my old ways. And this is an important
exercise as well. Its like an exercise for the mind.
The more you stay focused on the positive, the
stronger the mind becomes and the more you are
rewarded with positive Energy.
You also have to think about the people
around you and how you feel about them as
well. If you dont feel good around them, they
may be draining your Energy. You may need to

minimize your circle of close friends, in the best
interest of your health.
Luca is, perhaps, better at this than me. It
seems to come naturally for him to let go of
people who are influencing him negatively. He
has just three close friends now and they are
good supports for him.
I did my best to downsize from, perhaps,
twenty people to maybe ten. Although, among
these people there are about five that I consider
my closest friends. Which, by the way, downsizing
my social life made usLuca and meeven better
friends! So, if your relationship isnt working you
might try adjusting the number of friends you have
and make your partner your best and maybe only
friend! This is not professional advice, of course.
However, we found it helpful and valuable to
reduce the number of people in our lives who took
more of our Energy, the ones that left us drained
or worse.
This applies to family as well. Phone
conversations with my mother would often go like
this when she would call:
Hello? Id answer.
Hi. Even her tone started off feeling of low

energy.
I wouldnt want to ask her how she was, because
if I did I would be listening for half an hour.
So, Id go for lighter conversation. Whats up?
She would launch into some everyday life
experience that often had a negative or bad news
tone. Shed say something like, I just lost my
wallet. I was going to the shop and I stepped on
something and sprang my ankle and my bag fell
Then ten minutes would pass by.
I would make an attempt to change the subject
with, Well, I am just coming from a great
meeting and
And then I came home and the cleaning lady
broke the plate I had from my mother she would
ignore my attempt and continue.
Still trying to move the conversation to a happier
theme, Id interrupt her with some positive news,
And they gave me a big job
But then I saw that I didnt buy napkins and
now I have to go back she would just continue
with her litany of problems and just ignore any
attempts I made at changing the subject.
So, I would be forced to follow with something

like, Oh! I just came to the building and am going
to the garage, so the signal will be lost. Bye!
My father wasnt much different. Once I told
him about a dog I got, my sweet perky little Rio,
and how very happy I was about it. Not only did
he not hear me about the puppy but he also hadnt
even acknowledged my happiness about it. Three
months later he told me that he had heard from my
mother that I got a dog. He then warned me to be
careful when driving with him in the car because
he could jump on me and cause an accident. That
was after Id already been driving him around
with me for almost two months. Thats how my
relationships were with my parents. Now, I choose
my relationships and talk about meaningful things
and happy thoughts.
Recognizing where negative energy was coming
into my life wasnt only with my relationship with
my parents. I also let go of my previous persona
that I was some kind of a magical problem solver
or therapist. There were maybe two people
who truly listened to me and another twenty
where I was the only one doing the listening.
This was, of course, totally my fault. Most of the
time I just acted like a big ear for them to share
their problems, but I was sick of that too (quite
literally). So, I started to back away from listening

and even associating with some people that
seemed to have a talent to heap their crap on me.
Im not saying they were doing this on purpose,
but from my perspective, Id had enough and I
was finished being their toxic dump.
There was one friend who literally had to run
to the bathroom every time we met and started
talking. It didnt usually happen while I was talking
because I usually was just listening. She would be
talking and suddenly shed say, I have to go to the
bathroom and she would quickly disappear to the
toilet. After a few times of this happening, even
she noticed it and said, Every time I talk to you,
I have to go to the toilet! Isnt that funny?! That
happened for about two or three years with her.
However, it wasnt funny for me since this was
clearly a sign that she was using me as a way to
relieve herself of her problems, both figuratively
and literally.
Another friend used to call me often saying, I
called you this morning and you didnt answer!
I didnt even know what to say back, especially
because she always called me (and I mean a lot) to
complain that I am not answering my phone! The
only other person who does that is my father!
Finally, I would answer, I wasnt able to answer,

I was working.
I thought so! She concluded. Then why did
she have such a complaining tone, I wondered
quietly to myself?
Well, now you dont work. She continued with
the same disapproving tone.
No, now I drive.
And then she would launch into her problems,
I had just a horrible day today! I had a fight with
my dad. He doesnt want to help me take care of
my cats, Lisa and Berni. Does he really have to go
skiing now? When I have so much work on my
head. He is so selfish! And then, our street is
getting reconstructed, imagine that! It will take a
whole month!
Well, then its great you wont be there then! I
mean because of your work. I say.
Yes but.
From here, I just dont listen anymore. I think
there are people in this world that can make
a problem out of anything. They give so much
energy to really stupid and often negative things.
I do my best to interrupt and say something like,
mmmmh and start moving toward the end the

conversation with some soothing suggestions and
changing the theme.
There are still times that I dont always feel
particularly eager to talk to some people in my life,
but even so, most of these are happy and positive
people and not draining my energy.
A few days after I returned from New Zealand, I
was doing some chores in the center of town and
I called my neighbor who sometimes does some
tax advice for me. I remembered that I hadnt paid
her, so I went to her office with some breakfast to
see how she was. She rarely accepted money for
smaller things she does for me.
I had heard that her health wasnt very good,
but I didnt really know how bad it was till I saw
her. I hadnt actually seen her for a while, and I
was somewhat shocked over how much she had
changed. She looked thinner and with bags under
her foggy eyes. You could see she looked sad and
depressed. She then told me about her battle with
four different autoimmune illnesses and how
no one knew what to do. Every doctor wanted
to treat her illnesses from his or her specialized
field of medicine but each would also have a
negative impact on other organs, which were sick
too. I could certainly relate to this from my own

experiences with doctors. No one was taking her
whole health situation into consideration to figure
out what to do. So, I told her about my positive
experiences with Energy healing and she agreed
to go and try it.
All I saw, in that moment, was that there was
a possibility that she could be healthy and I had
to help her find it. I wished that I had found out
about that possibility earlier, but I suppose I wasnt
ready before.
I knew that the Energy center was a good path
of discovery for people. I had also brought another
friend to the center who was very sad about her
mothers death and seemed to be going in circles,
stuck in the moment (as the U2 song goes) and now
you cant get out of it. After losing her mother, she
got divorced, and then her health started getting
worse. So many negative things were happening
to her in a short period of time.
The results certainly speak for themselves and
all I can say is that they both got so much better
in just a few months. The biggest challenge was,
since we live in a lower economic country, that
the costs of healing treatments at the center were
expensive. This made it hard for clients to keep up
with the costs and then the people at the center

would put pressure on the clients to somehow get
the money when their health is in danger.
I mean if you look at it, what is more precious
in life, health or money and material things?
Everybody will usually say without hesitation,
Health! But then when it really comes time to
pay for the health treatments, people will say,
But Ive worked so long and so hard for this little
money I have, I need to leave something for my
child! Or, This is my parents house, they left
it to me and I cant sell it! Ill go get treatments
when I make more money! Or, I am not as sick
as some others, I can live with this disease for a
while longer, which often turns into years!
Additionally, even though these are all nice
gestures and kind thinking, acceptable for the
society that we live in, we cant honestly say that
health is the first priority to us. Instead we say,
Well, everybody has a problem with their spine
these days But we dont think, wouldnt my
child be happier if I were around, healthy and
happy, although with less money? Or Would my
parents (who are dead by now) be happier if I were
healthy and alive without the house they left me?
Its just todays society. Im not saying I am any
different. I had my dreams and goals, and still do.
But I question now, how much more money do I

need to make so I can continue to be with Energy
and do all the things that I was once too weak to
do? Before I was just a dreamer and dreamers are
weak people, without the Energy to truly make
their dreams come true.
Still, I find myself thinking, wouldnt it be nice
to go to the Caribbean Islands for few weeks,
a month or two, to South America, China or
Australia instead of giving all I have for improving
my Energy field. I mean, Ive got to live a little!
Before when I just started going to the center
for relaxation, almost everyone who worked there
would get on my nerves. The worst they could
say to me is, You are in reaction. The hair would
stick up so high and sharp on my skull from that
sentence that I could hurt somebody with it.
The thing is, a lot of the time prices would
change from one day to another, discounts would
appear from nowhere but just for the period of a
few hours, and sometimes just for certain people.
And, of course, if I said anything like, What do you
mean a thousand Euros? Yesterday, Lena paid seven
hundred Euros! Their answer would always be, You
are in reaction! And from that answer I would be
in an even bigger reaction. What the fuck?
They would look at me sadly and their heads

would shake disapprovingly. I was often stunned
and wouldnt know what to do or say. However,
over time I actually realized that I was in reaction,
which to a certain extent is just human nature. I
later learned to stop reacting about this and not
get emotional but rather to just think of what I
wanted and figure out how to get it some other way.
Perhaps, asking for something else, in other words
to find a creative solution. And this worked and
still works for me.
People around me were also reacting for all
kinds of reasons. Sometimes they may have heard
something that they didnt want to hear about
themselves when it was really true. For example, a
presenter would ask a client How are you today?
I am good, thank you. the client would say,
pretending that he is okay or maybe not even
pretending but not really being aware that
something was really bothering him.
Are You? You seem a little nervous or
preoccupied? the presenter might say.
No, I am great! the client would say now
irritated and in reaction.
And as the relaxation exercise continued he
would start to relax.
Then somehow after the relaxation treatment,

he would come to the realization that he was, in
fact, mad and irritated. Earlier that day hed had
an encounter with a pensioner who gave him
a hard time in line at the bank, and this made
him steaming like a teakettle now over it. The
realization over his anger didnt show itself until
he relaxed.
One time a friend called me saying, They are
idiots there! They dont know how to do business,
and they want to be a high-class business! Idiots,
I tell you!
I know, I acknowledged calmly. Weve talked
about this before; theyre not very professional
there! What happened? I asked.
Dario, the therapist in the center, told me
the other day while we went for a coffee that he
heard from another therapist that I have Herpes!
I told that to the presenter in confidence. Maybe
there was another therapist in a room when I said
that, but she shouldnt have gone around telling
it to everyone! Dont they understand what a
confidential conversation is? I asked them to give
that girl who was spreading the rumors notice! But
of course they wont do it! she yelled furiously.
I completely understood her reaction and wished
that mistakes like that didnt happen. Still she could
deal with it in a calmer and wiser way; maybe she

would get more satisfaction by doing that.
And then there were times clients just felt
stalked by phone or by a visit from someone from
the center. They were in reaction because they felt
that they couldnt move without hearing or seeing
someone from the center telling them that they
havent been there for a while.
Of course, they were all In reaction! because
they really were! The problem is that somebody
has to better explain what that means.
For the longest time I thought it was some magic
sentence that automatically turns you into some
kind of idiot. But it turns out its just about you
reacting emotionally. I often felt it was the way it
was said, with a smug look that drove me crazy.
One day a person in the center told me I was in
reaction and I knew that it was being used in the
wrong situation. I knew this because I also knew
something about the situation that this person
didnt know yet. Finally, I had an answer No, its
you who is reacting yourself. And then I left.
I felt better but then I thought what does it even
mean? Even though I felt better, I realized that it
was just because my ego was happy. In the end,
nothing really smart or good ever comes from that.
People would develop hostility because of these

little money games, but I was always explaining to
them that you get so much more in the end if you
just learn to look over these irregularities. After
all, in some countries it is welcomed to negotiate
about the price. If you are a bad negotiator it is
nobodys fault but your own. I found out that I am
not such a good negotiator but somehow, in the
end I get what I want. I explain it by Energy work.
You might say circumstances.
For example, perhaps they counted the wrong
amount of money I gave, or wrong number of visits
I was still entitled to, or maybe I got something
that I wasnt suppose to get by mistake. In the end,
I was content, though not always. Often I had to
fight for it and just like finally walking past the
bull, I learned something from the experience. I
gained confidence, courage, and I consider these
fights as opportunities and lessons to once again
conquer my fears.
After four years at the center, I could see that
the pressure the clients felt from the workers in
the center was too much for them. Clients didnt
understand the motives of the workers, who
truly believe that no one should turn their backs
on the development of and personal experience
with Energy. And the workers didnt understand
that with pressure you dont make things happen.

You cant make clients see the value of personal
development by threatening them that they will
be sick.
A person must recognize the value of something
on their own in order to buy it. They have to be
presented with real results; they have to feel the
change within themselves. They definitely have to
want it because without desire to make a change,
they will not get any results anyway. Its Energy.
Many people dont see it. Some people can feel it,
but still can Energy really be helpful? I personally
know it can. Because I had no other way out and
I embraced the idea of Energy helping me with
my illness. In the end, I got much more, but for
many people it is, as we say in my country, it is
considered, Selling the fog.
So, here comes a battle, a lack of understanding,
hate, gossip and all the things that do not support
Energy work. Clients are lost. Workers are
frustrated. And I just try to talk to as few people as
I can because the gossips are the worst.
For example, a situation might go like this:
The worker thinks, She doesnt understand
what a bad situation she is in. Shell soon develop a
serious illness, she is already sick. She has to change
her way of living. She doesnt see she is getting

sicker by the minute. She has to go to intensive
Energy healing week or at least a weekend.
The client thinks, I dont have the money or
the time to go right now. I wish they would leave
me alone. I dont even like to come here any more.
I am more stressed than I am relaxed! I come to
the center, and run for the wardrobe and then run
to the relaxation room, and then pretend to sleep
already so they dont ask me anything! And then
after relaxation I almost run out of the center with
my shoes in my hands so they dont start to talk
about me needing this intensive!
I have to say I understand both sides. That is why
I dont like to get in the middle. The workers there
are people who have experienced and worked
with Energy for a long time and have had great
results. Even though you look at some of them and
think she hasnt developed at all. Actually, she or
he was hundred times worse before.
Luca and I talked how nervous and crazy I was
before my healing. A good example of this was
when I was in the car. I realize now that I was a
maniac driver then. Once a tram driver got out of
the tram at the traffic light, knocked on the window
of my car, and started yelling at me, Should I beat
you or your car?
All the while I was just thinking, What is his

problem, I just pushed my car in front of the tram.
Okay, it was a little close, but I made it. No biggie!
People from the tram even opened their windows
to see what was going on. Yes, I suppose I was a bit
of an aggressive driver because a few men wanted
to hit me, and one even took out a gun!
The thing is, I wasnt even aware of this behavior.
I always just thought that these men were nervous
or crazy people while I was just minding my own
business perhaps bending the rules a bit, but
hey, everybody does that, right?
The same was true in relationships for me. A few
times I use to fight with my boyfriends, but not
because they were violent. This is so embarrassing
to say, but it was because I was violent. I would
literally chew the insides my cheeks. So, I could
tell you that I did have lot of anger and anxiety
inside me.
When I went to the intensive healing process
with the Chinese master, she changed the way I
operate, like putting the new software in my body
and mind, so healthy Energy replaces unhealthy
and it becomes automatic.
It is difficult to explain this to people who have
never experienced something like this. Because

if someone is a little bit stronger theyll think (or
better said, their ego will think) I dont need
any improvement. I am as healthy as any other
person, not 100%, but great for my age. I have a
business that is going smoothly, not all the time
but everybody has ups and downs. I have a wife
and kids, okay maybe our relationship is not the
best but somebody has to work and make money.
My kids are not as happy and successful as I
thought they should be but what can I do about
it? They have to find the way to their happiness
on their own. I gave them good conditions, better
than I hadall in all everything is great! Now, Ill
go and have some drinks with my friends, I do
feel the most relaxed with them! Really, there is
no room for improvement! Or they might even
think, Maybe I should work on myself, but how,
where, when?
Chapter Eleven
The Miracle
was feeling so much better and was even more

eager to learn as much as possible about Energy
but the money that we had was disappearing
quickly with the rates that they were charging. I
knew that I needed to take my education to the
next level but I didnt know how. Thats when
another lucky opportunity opened for me.
I guess (and this is only a guess) that the Chinese
master wanted to improve too, to go to another level
of Energy existence. But this isnt really possible if
youre always working with sick people that have
no idea about Energy, how it works, and how to
live to be in balance with it. I believe she wanted
to work on new projects; advanced projects that
were no longer with people who were uninitiated
about Energy work. She wanted to work on a
project with people who already understood
Energy and who really wanted something more
and were willing to devote their time and money
to it. I knew I needed to be in that group, but how?
Ever since my sisters illness and when I

developed sleeping problems, I thought about
the way our parents raised us. I knew that they
didnt know any better and were just following the
behaviors and patterns that they learned from their
parents or careers. When I was in my late twenties,
in order to address this issue for future parents, I
organized a class for parents of a kindergarten class
to educate them about the ways to rear children.
The educators there were people with degrees in
psychology and early childhood education. Since
then, I realized that although these were good
lessons for new parents, the greatest problems
with raising children has more to do with the
parents character as well as their learned behavior
patterns. To be more successful at parenting than
your parents, you have to change yourself.
The group that the master wanted to teach
would be a group made of people that were willing
to change their behavior and let themselves be
modeled in a way that was right by the laws of
Energy. In this case right means not to be sick
(i.e., being healthy, without sadness, feeling happy,
without anger) and feeling peaceful. Only then
can you go further to new levels of Energy life, like
living longer than average people (much longer)
or having Energy abilities, such as the capacity to
heal yourself.
Luca and I were still holding onto our dream

of having a child, but we almost gave up on the
idea because of my ongoing sleeping problem and
autoimmune illness. A street psychic once told
me Id have a child when I was forty and this had
always stuck in my head. So, with this milestone
coming soon, we were even more actively trying
to conceive but, unfortunately, without success.
Actually, we had been trying to conceive in a
natural way ever since we went to Thailand.
We even discussed other options to have a
baby, but just in theory because we still dreamed
and hoped for a child of our own. Adoption is
very hard in my country. And going outside the
country to adopt is difficult because our country
doesnt have an agreement with other countries
about adopting children. The use of a surrogate
mother isnt legal here, so we would have to go
out of the country to look for a surrogate mother.
And even then we would have to adopt our own
child when we came back in to the country.
Artificial insemination was also very complicated,
expensive and often unsuccessful.
In the end, I stayed with using alternative
methods for trying to conceive and started taking
some herbs from China that were suppose to
prepare my eggs for conception. And, of course,
I went to a few Skype sessions with the Chinese

master. On the last session before I went on
vacation the master asked me when I would come
again to her session, and I answered in a month.
I said this, perhaps, more just to say something
because I felt the pressure, which I really hated.
However, I really did believe these sessions were
good for me and later I really began to believe that
Id find a financial way to attend the sessions again.
It was summer and we went on our vacation to
the seaside. We had a house by the sea with our
own garden that went all the way to the beach,
so we had our private little beach and entrance
to the water; it was very romantic. However, we
were forbidden to have sex for the purpose of
conception because the Chinese medicinal herbs
(that I had just started the month before) were
strong and could possibly cause a spontaneous
miscarriage if we did conceive.
I was so terrified of this possibility that we hardly
had sex at all during the five weeks that we were
there. One day I noticed that I was bleeding a little
bit, and thinking this was just my regular cycle, I
waited six days but didnt have my full period. This
was odd for me and made me wonder. So, later
when we went to the village for our daily morning
breakfast by the sea, I decided to buy a pregnancy
test. When I got back to the seaside house and saw

the results I was shocked; it was positive! But I just
didnt believe it. Since I was drinking the herbs,
our sex was totally limited with about 98% safety.
I also knew that before, when we were really
trying hard to have a baby, I counted the days
for when I would be the most fertile, yet nothing
ever happened. Then there was also the fact that
I was bleeding a little bit, it just seemed like this
couldnt be possible at all. I also didnt want to get
my expectations too high and be let down.
The next morning we wanted to visit a nearby
island, so we rented a boat. However, before the
trip I repeated the test just to see if the first test
was some kind of mistake. It was positive again!
Now I was even more terrified. I knew the herbs
could possibly cause a miscarriage. I worried to
myself, Maybe thats why I was bleeding! I cant
believe I am really pregnant! I mean, truly from
just one time having sex? Is that possible? I knew
exactly the last time we had sex so would even
know the date of conceiving my child!
I was so out of my mind with these thoughts
and worry that when I was entering the boat, I
pushed it away from the shore before jumping-in
first. I heard Luca yelling, Jump in, youll miss the
boat, youll fall down! I jumped at the last second
and landed on the edge of the boats railing with

my lower belly. At that moment I thought, Okay,
if I still remain pregnant after falling on my belly
that hard, the baby would be a fighter and nothing
could go wrong.
And it didnt. When we got back home, I
immediately made an appointment to see my
gynecologist. To our amazement, she verified my
pregnancy tests and told us we are expecting our
first child. We were ecstatic, confused, out of our
minds. However, I didnt tell anybody for twelve
weeks because I was still very concerned about
carrying the baby to full term. I wanted at least
three months to pass peacefully and safely so that
there was a greater certainty that everything was
going well for the baby and me before revealing it
to anyone. I was just too afraid that the excitement
might be too much for both of us.
I didnt say anything to my parents either
because I thought they might smother us with
attention. They already had a daughter who
was sick, and another who was now forty and
seemingly without the prospect of ever having a
child. I knew that if I told them I was pregnant
they would go overboard with attention and
make me more nervous, which would not be
good for the baby.
We were so good at keeping this secret that

even when we went out to a restaurant with some
good friends, they didnt know I was pregnant.
I thought that our happiness and confusion was
so obvious that it could be seen from an airplane.
However, two months later when we finally told
them, they were genuinely surprised and said they
hadnt known a thing.
Chapter Twelve
The Next Level
was really motivated to get back to my Energy

and relaxation sessions! My motivation now was
to stay pregnant and have a healthy baby. I knew
I had to do something different for my child to
change the patterns and behaviors from my own
parents; something that would give her or him
good basics to develop on. This doesnt come from
the baby just being within the Energy field; it also
comes from my self-development, so that I dont
pass my programming and learned patterns to the
baby. I was ready to change and the way to do it
was through Energy sessions.
I knew I would come up with the money so
my child would develop healthy in the positive
Energy field. Of course, what I really meant by this
was that my husband would come up with the
money. Fortunately, Luca knew and understood
just how important it was for the baby and me to
be in the Energy field during the pregnancy. We
sold some real estate property that we had and I
was able to go.
Due to so many of my health problems, I was

concerned that getting bigger would make my
joints and my tailbone hurt again. I also heard
that at the end of pregnancy most women have
trouble sleeping and this made me concerned as
well. Pregnancy is typically not the most beautiful
period of a womans life; usually women get
through it by staying focused on the result, the
baby. In the end, I think 99% of mothers-to-be
are usually pleading with God for the delivery to
happen as soon as possible.
I had also heard that there were some possible
difficulties for a woman my age; that the child
might not develop well. However, I didnt really
think about any of that. I only stayed focused on
the belief that my baby would be developing with
great health and in connection with Energy, which
would follow his or her development even after
being born.
My pregnancy routine wasnt easy. I went to
sessions that began at 5:30 am and I had to wake
up at 4:30 am to get there in time. Now, thinking
back about it, I dont know how I did it every day,
Saturday and Sunday included. But I had so much
Energy that I could do almost anything.
In the beginning of the pregnancy I was throwing

up and felt a little sick, but I didnt really feel tired
from it. I started sleeping really well. I had heard
that most women sleep well at the beginning of
pregnancy because they are so tired, but really I
wasnt very tired that often.
I didnt take naps during the day and would go
to sleep at 10:00 pm to get up at 4:30 am or should
I say, what felt like the middle of the night? When
I was in my ninth month of pregnancy, people
would tell me that I looked so fresh and full of
sleep like never before.
I often had heartburn but I would still sleep
well and felt rested. My sacroiliac joint was
hurting a little bit when my belly was growing
but this was expected. I was thirty-three pounds
heavier during the pregnancy and for my thin
body structure that was a lot. The pain wasnt
intolerable though, and after some time it stopped
hurting altogether. Some people might explain
that away with pregnancy hormones, but I would
have pain; go to Energy sessions and the pain
would go away. This was proof to me that Energy
was working. I would recommend that anybody
who is pregnant go to Energy sessions its so much
better for you and the baby.
My gynecologist would always say that everything was perfect, and when the time came for my
hospital check-ups, two weeks before the delivery,
they said that everything inside looked like I was a
twenty-year-old pregnant woman.
Now, if you think the sessions are all milk
and honey, they definitely are not. If you expect
to develop yourself, if you want to change your
built in patterns so that the baby doesnt inherit
those bad patterns and the negative side of your
character, you have to change. And you have
to change fast because the baby is coming. The
change is not always pleasant, especially if you
are changing your character, the way you learned
to live to act to talk, react, and breathe. I listened
in those sessions about how lazy and spoiled I
was, how my child will be lazy and spoiled if I
continued to live the way I was living. I was also
told that I care too much about other peoples
opinion instead of relying on my instincts more.
Sometimes I thought the comments were not so
true. And it took a few months or even a year to
accept some of these comments and to become
really conscious of them.
Someone might ask what kind of life was I
actually leading? Well, the truth was that, while I
was sick I mostly was concentrating on my body,
on the pain, on the itch, on the feeling sick, on

the fact that I couldnt do anything. The more you
concentrate on such bad things, the more you
are marinating in negativity and wont be getting
better but actually worse!
So, during my pregnancy I only thought about
being relaxed. I needed to relax so that my past
health issues wouldnt bother me now while I was
pregnant and getting heavier. I kept asking myself,
Do you want your child to be lazy like you are?
Of course not! So, I started to work as a presenter
and I was even more in Energy and more active. I
even had a hosting business that I attended to, so I
was truly working harder than ever before.
I was accepting that I wasnt the most driven
person in the world before getting pregnant.
Often when I found a job that I really enjoyed
doing, I usually wouldnt have the energy to do
it for very long. Thats why I was dreaming of a
small business because I felt overwhelmed with
the thought of managing a big one. There were
times when I thought I could do everything, but it
drained my energy rather quickly. Mostly from the
added stress from my family relationships as well
as from all of the expectations of others that I felt
obligated to fulfill. In the end, I didnt really do
much but I still felt drained.
I learned that during pregnancy the baby will

get certain messages while he or she is still inside
your womb. This is a way you influence the child
even before they are born. To understand this, just
imagine every time you feel something, no matter
if it is sadness, anger, stress, or fear, your baby feels
it too. The same is also true after they are born as
well; they are very sensitive to your emotions and
they feel every positive or negative feeling that
you feel.
They say pregnant women are rather emotional
creatures but whenever I would feel myself getting
emotional, which didnt happen that often, I
wouldnt let myself react to those feelings. Before I
was pregnant, I would often cry during movies; it
didnt matter whether it was a sad or happy movie.
However, during pregnancy I didnt cry.
Nothing was too hard for me to do. I would
often say that I could hardly wait to deliver the
baby. I felt great and people kept telling me how
great I looked or that I should be pregnant forever.
Let me tell you, I truly admire women who have
four or more babies. I dont know how they
manage that. I believe it is very important that we
understand that we are not giving birth to just
another living creature but that we are creating a
better version of ourselves as well as our partner.
This is important because we do want to evolve

humanity eventually, right?
On a positive note, my relationship with my
parents was improving as well. They were very
happy with the news of our pregnancy. To them
it had seemed as if they would never have any
grandchildren at all. This was partially because
of their own way of handling (or not handling)
the process of raising their own children. The
problems just transfer from one generation to
the next and if nothing changes, these problems
become inherited; and the evolution of humanity
gets set back.
As they get older they just want a grandchild
that would bring a little happiness to their old
lives. I remember so many sessions where I was
blabbering about my problems with my parents
and how I didnt want their involvement in my
pregnancy or bringing up my child. I was afraid
of their influence on my child because I hold them
partly responsible for my sisters illness as well as
my own fears, anxiety and sleeping problems.
My father can be too controlling and an
emotional blackmailer. I remember talking to him
about my year of being in the US as a high school
student and how I wanted to go on to a University
in the US but felt that I had to go home after high

school because we didnt have enough money. I
felt like it was my duty to the family to come home,
especially after spending such a great year there.
My fathers response was, Well I thought we were
honest with each other! That we told each other
the truth! This was implying, of course, that we
had money but I was being dishonest by not telling
him what I wanted at the time.
I felt very bad and didnt even know why. I
whimpered something like, We were honest with
each other.
But he just stood up and said he had to go. I
watched him leave and I thought, What just
happened? I thought we didnt have money. I dont
understand. What does he even mean by this?
As for my mother, she is like some kind of forever
adult-child. She is happy and smiling one minute
and crying the next, which can be so exhausting.
There was always some drama with her.
If she was in a good mood, she wanted to be
the center of attention. If I said, I bought myself
shoes and showed them to her, she wouldnt even
acknowledge what I said or comment on them.
She would just automatically change the subject to
herself saying, I bought myself shoes too. Look! Do
you like them? They are so beautiful, arent they?

Then waiting for me to comment and I would say
a bit miffed, Yes, they look nice. But, of course,
that was not enough for her, and she would say
disapprovingly, Youre not saying it with enough
admiration! And I would think, You didnt even
say anything about my shoes!
There are always reasons for acting the way
you do and it goes a long way back in your family.
I really didnt want it to be spread to a new
generation, my child.
My parents did seem to change during this
period that I was going to the master. Not totally,
but my mother stopped complaining to me all
the time. I mean she has a dozen girlfriends and
a psychiatrist; she can spare me of her constant
complaints. And she did. She also stopped crying
and being overly sensitive.
Luca had Mrs. Gold, who was the lady who took
care of him since he was 16 when his mother died.
As a young man living on his own, she would clean
his apartment, do his laundry, cooked for him and
bought him things like a mother would do. When
we started going out together and I moved to his
place, she was still working for him and taking care
of him. At one point, I told her not to buy things and
not to do a lot of the housekeeping things as I would

do these now. She got very offended and cried,
Why doesnt she like me? Why cant she tell me
what she does and doesnt want? I often thought,
Because you cry every time I say something!
She would often go around the apartment
following me, even to the bathroom, telling me all
about her problems at home like, My daughter-inlaw, Sanja, says I dont need to cook for my son and
my grandchild. I told Sanja that they were hungry.
She replied that my son could cook for himself and
little Jana! Can you imagine?
I think she was defined by being a mother and
helper and didnt know what else to do with herself
if she wasnt fulfilling that role. Unfortunately, she
was just enabling her children to be (and remain)
dependent on her and it was driving her daughterin-law crazy!
I often wished that I had some invisible earplugs,
so I could walk around the apartment not hear her.
It took me a while to recognize that she actually
reminded me of my own mother and I just couldnt
listen to her at all. Eventually, I just stopped talking
to her altogether. Of course, she then complained
that I didnt say Hello in the morning! Actually, I
did say hello, but I would say it quickly in a low
voice and then disappear fast without asking the

tricky question, How are you?
This was how hard it was for me to handle my
mother. However, during these Energy sessions
it changed.
My father changed as well. He was a little bit
softer, not telling me all the time what I should
do, not involving himself in my pregnancy or
answering only when I asked him for his medical
opinion. He wasnt even as nervous, and he curbed
his swearing, which was refreshing to say the least.
Chapter Thirteen
The Luna Tree
t the time of my pregnancy I also started to

work as a presenter. It was a challenge for
me because I wasnt good at talking to a group of
people, even if they were my friends. Talking to
strangers was a new, and a little bit of a terrifying,
experience for me. However, I was once again,
seeing this as an opportunity to conquer my fears
just like facing the bull.
In the beginning, my voice would shake and I
wasnt sure what I should say about before and after the relaxation exercises. This was the time I
was to talk about Energy and how to use it to improve every day life. Unfortunately, it was made
even more awkward for me when no one would
say anything. However, it was important for them
to understand that they should be open to sharing
their experience if they wanted positive results.
For a lot of people (including me when I first started there) it can be very uncomfortable to open-up
in front of a bunch of strangers.
I would often talk about my life, my marriage, my

job, my health, and other relationships. Sometimes
these were just examples about the way I once was
versus the ways I have changed. Sometimes we
would just talk about simple things and exchange
recipes for some dish or make jokes. However,
there were other times they would really listen
to what I was saying and I could tell they really
understood it. I could see how they got softer,
more open and took-in the things I was saying;
as my thoughts found a place in their minds, we
would build a mutual trust. When that happened,
I felt truly happy, because I knew they were a step
closer to understanding the power of Energy and
also themselves.
I cant say that I knew a lot. Actually, I knew very
little. All I truly knew was that Energy has helped
me in so many different ways. I also know that we
dont rely on our intuition and Energy as much as
we should. We rely on our minds, which are often
full of worries, fear and social limitations, and they
dont give us a clear picture about who we are, or
about the power we really have to change our life.
The days passed by a little slower for me, perhaps
because I was so excited and eager to meet my
baby, the new member of our little family that
I always dreamed about but wasnt sure how to
make happen. I knew how to get pregnant, but

how to be pregnant and address my insomnia as
well as the pain issues without harming the baby
were a mystery to me.
Earlier, before I got pregnant or before starting
Energy healing, I went to talk to a female
obstetrician about prenatal medications as well as
the problem I had with sleeping for many years
and how I didnt know how to make it go away. I
had gone to a million psychotherapists and I got
some results by taking fewer pills than before, but
I could never just fall asleep without taking a pill;
even during the day!
The thing is, these doctors can be such
unemotional creatures. She just looked at me and
said, If you want to be pregnant, you are not
supposed to take any pills for sleeping, even the
smallest dose.
I then asked her, But if I cant fall asleep any
other way, what then?
She didnt even look at me, didnt give me any
other solution, she just repeated, If you want to
be pregnant, you are not supposed to take any pills
for sleeping, even the smallest dose.
Great. I thought Just great.
But that was before I understood Energy and

relaxation, and now here I was, using no pills
and sleeping like a baby, even at the end of the
pregnancy.
The only thing that made me a little nervous
was that I got an assignment from the Chinese
master. I was told that if I did the assignment, I
would get the date and hour for the baby to be
born, which would give him or her an even better
predisposition for life. However, I decided very
early that I had changed so much already and was
doing everything in my power so the baby would
be happy and healthy. I just didnt have any more
capacity to do this difficult assignment. Being
pregnant was enough of an assignment as it was. I
didnt want to push myself more.
Instead, I decided to find a professional astrologer
who could teach me more about ancient Chinese
astrology. This way I could pick the sign and which
character that I felt was best, and could also look
to see if there were any bigger problems in the
babys chart. My main concern was that there was
no big health issues and also that there is a good
balance of all of the elements within the chart.
I thought about, perhaps choosing another date
to determine other possibilities but this chasing
the best date and time could go on forever!

And now I dont really want to know those other
possibilities. At the time, I was satisfied with the
one I had chosen. I thought, Even if I were to
have the perfect date and time, who would do
the delivery; especially if it were at an odd or
inconvenient hour? Its not like we have some
great private hospitals where you can go in and
say deliver my baby on this date and this hour!
However, I did ask my doctor about the time
I would probably go for my caesarean delivery.
She told me it would probably be in the morning
between 8:00 and 11:00 am.
Then I asked the professional astrologer, Vanja,
who configured an astrological chart for me, when
was the best time for my baby to be born, a time
with the best aspects and placements. I already
had possible dates, but each date came with a
different hour of the birth. She told me about a
few possibilities and the one that sounded the best
was in the morning between 9:00 and 11:00 am.
When it came time for scheduling my delivery,
I went to my doctor at a public hospital and the
doctor was a friend of my fathers. I asked her if
there was any chance that she could deliver the
baby in that period of time. I could tell by her look
of surprise that this was probably the first time

anyone ever asked her something like that. My
father was red in the face from embarrassment. I
hardly ever saw him embarrassed like that before;
it was quite funny.
Eventually, she told me the probabilities were
strong about the timing, and this made me happy. I
did have another possible date that was like seven
days earlier than my due date, but the doctor said
that it would not be legal for her to do it then and
that I had to wait a little bit longer.
Imagine my fathers face when I asked her that!
I thought the earth would open-up and he would
disappear into it. He was just smiling very nervously,
like some schoolboy. All things considered, I was
very satisfied with my doctor. She answered all of
my questions patiently; questions that would be
unusual, even to my friends. I was definitely not
used to a doctor like that in our hospitals!
Now, when I look back at that situation, I think
that maybe I could have pushed myself even more,
to develop myself further. Then again, I was already
pushed to my limits; physically and emotionally. I
mean, I was pregnant, working at my job like crazy,
and waking up every day at 4.30 am; I thought these
were definitely my highest limits!
Sadly, the Chinese master didnt greet my actions

with happiness or respect. She told me some really
discouraging things the day before my delivery,
like I didnt care for my own baby enough to try
and give her good enough start in life. But it was
what it was. My belly was up to my teeth and all I
was thinking was, When will I be introduced to
my baby! MY BABY!
On one beautiful spring morning, I gave birth to
my perfect little baby girl and everything changed,
the whole world changed its color. I could hear the
music in my ears. I was happy beyond description,
as if I was reborn.
They brought her to me when I woke up and
I took her looking at her with such amazement
thinking, She is the most beautiful baby in the
world!
Did we really make her? This is just incredible!
Then Luca came in with the same amazement,
almost teary eyes and we were just smiling unable
to say anything for a while.
The thing is, all you can change is your future
and your childrens future! That is why I wrote
this book, so maybe some people will get the wish
to change their future, because it is possible. You
dont have to give up on your goals; there is always

the possibility to make it! To make it better, much
better than you thought it could be.
When I was in California, I learned about
a 1,000 year-old Coast Redwood tree, named
Luna tree, growing near Stafford, in Humboldt
County, California. This impressive tree
survived a major lightening strike and was
once threatened to be cut-down by the Pacific
Lumber Company as part of a clear-cut, removal
of all of the trees in a particular area of a forest
simply to harvest the lumber.
This practice is not only bad enough in terms
of the devastation it causes to the areas ecological
integrity, but to fell this majestic grandmother of
the forest was not acceptable to conservationists.
One woman, Julia Butterfly Hill lived on a platform
built 180 feet above the ground in the tree for 738
days. She finally reached an agreement with the
lumber company to save the tree and a 200 feet
buffer zone was built around it for $50,000.
Hill left the tree and wrote a book about what
she had learned. Sadly, in 2000 an unknown vandal
used a chainsaw to cut more than halfway through
the tree. A medical team quickly assembled to
build a bracing system around Luna to help her

withstand the extreme windstorms of the area,
peaking at between 60 and 100 miles per hour.
Thankfully, Coast Redwoods are resilient and the
40 % of her systems that were still intact have
allowed the tree to remain alive. Luna is expected
to live for at least another 200 years.
When I heard this story, I felt a kinship with this
tree that had been through so much and survived
it all. I knew that this woman, Julia Butterfly Hill,
was like my own inner voice that was telling me I
could survive and that I could withstand the heavy
winds and the pressures on my life and health.
That little voice inside me that was telling me
that I would one day be healthy again and stand
on my own. I also knew that my new baby girl
would embody this strength, determination and
resilience for how much we had to go through to
bring her into this world.
It is my belief that we can all be like the Luna
Tree. Sure there will be challenges, powerful
forces that will come along that can derail us, we
may have confrontations with those who believe
differently that we do, and sometimes things
beyond our control go wrong, but we are resilient!
Ego says, Once everything falls into place, Ill feel

peace.
Spirit says, find your peace, and then everything will
fall into place.
~Marianne Williams
I hope that you enjoy my story and that it
inspires your inner Luna Tree.

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The Baby Project

Book design and layout by Rocky Berlier

Manufactured in the United States of America

o my precious baby and to all the people who

his is the first book I have ever written. I wrote

to do and it took me a lot of time and adjustment

he idea for this book came to me one evening.

I have learned not to ignore synchronicity and

Looking back from where I am now, I am not

ife is forever changing. Looking back on

under a microscope. A liver cell has a different

If these concepts are new to you, I invite you to

was thirty-nine years old and would be the big

and not know why, and then in retrospect I

Throughout our childhood, our parents were

and challenges for me to overcome before I could

and girls) from the University who I became very

because it was a first relationship for both of us

he was leaving to go back to the University (he was

to the Adriatic Sea. Our first stop was at my

struggle, but I suddenly stopped sleeping at the

going anywhere for me. Id just had enough and

While we talked that night I mentioned that

of nostalgic or sad, and I wasnt sure why. However,

Some people were a little surprised about me

of Luca to say anything about my ex anyway. It felt

seven years that we knew each other but werent

everywhere we go and there is some romance in

controlled himself much better and, in time, he

I just couldnt ski anymore, because my ski boots

Ok he said, Lets just ski faster then!

couldnt stay with either of them. It made me feel

t was a cute apartment made for a single guy. In

As Luca and I began living together, it was

Well, for me it is a duty. I countered. Id much

TV, the other for satellite dish (SKY programs). It

replaced because I changed it the same day that

The ligament in my knee was still hurting me

One time, I had to go to my therapy during my

t was a movie-style proposal, one that most girls

towards the center of town but then Luca gently

I noticed there was a gentleman sitting in the

Open it. He said, smiling.

proposal to them. I felt a little awkward about it

be able to dance on my wedding, to feel healthy,

we went to school with, and about her parents and

really beautiful garden with a pool and big green

takes home these little guest gifts. At least this

couldnt think of how to make that happen, so I

Next, we flew to Peru; Cusco first, where I was

After Cusco we went to Iquitos in the Amazon

examined and gave me antibiotics to take every

Next, we arrived in Bora Bora to stay in a little

water I saw a moray eel, which is a big snakelike

Ironically, I ended up giving my notice within

e came back from our wonderful honey

was excited; I had a plan. After I had that fall

I actually do to continue to do them. Once I learn

to get her body back to pre-pregnant weight, and

needed to be remodeled a little bit. Some of the

mirroring an entire wall, arranging the position

Helen worked in a bank and even knew some of

was expecting. Unfortunately, because she didnt

I got home, to help me relax. At the time, I didnt