Alyanna cuaki

BSN3A
12:25-3:25W
restless, always restless, she later was devoured by a lonliness so great
that neither success nor her friends could assuage it.
the main thing that I sensed back in my childhood was this inescapable
yearning that I could never satisfy. Even now at times I experience an
inescapable lonliness and isolation
I have so many questions in my head that probably in the next chapters of
this reflections would only be filled with doubts and beyond the
unanswerable.
These are the lines that struck me most in this chapter. I may be too caught
up in a lot of things to think about isolation. i never had the chance to have
an even light of crack in my life for isolation to enter but I know it exists and
it happened to a lot of people I know and probably It will happen to me. I
dont know how to handle it and how to welcome it once it comes knocking in
my door. Will I let it devour me like Janis Joplin did? Will I accept it as a visitor
who comes visiting once every 3 months? Or will I completely shut it out and
avoid it like an ex-boyfriend trying to get back at me?
I dont believe that I am awakened by this thing called journey of life nor I am
one of those people that are just drifting their way through it. Although I
know age is just a number and it doesnt necessarily represent ones
awareness about his existence, I am fully aware that there is something
more from what I know. That there is something more than what I have
experienced now and what I believe in now. I have so much more to feel and
to learn for me to truly identify myself as an awaked being.

I wonder how one can truly tell if one is caught up in something. Is it defined
by the 24/7 thought of it? a devoted time of each day, or the constant
blabbering of such?
I am open to seeking and thinking of what life has in its sleeves. As I grow, I
wanna unravel it like an endless supply of yarn. I will knit it day and night
and make sweaters and scarves out of it. I wanna make a lot out of it.

Alyanna Cuaki
BSN3A
12:25-3:25W
I believe that I am trying to live an examined life because of the ideas
passed unto me. Those ideas are vital I think. Without them, I have nothing
to question, nothing to wonder about. Living an examined life is important. If
not the most important, probably one of the most important.
Will my seeking and thinking come to the point that I wouldnt be able to
endure even a line of poetry? Or find things that I used to like intolerably
dull that itll nauseate me.? Do I even want it to reach to that point? Should I
just stop to this imaginary line of when I should stop seeking and
questioning? Dissatisfaction might ruin me I think. Always wondering and
always being unsettled for the unanswerable might just drive me nuts. I tried
it and the most common topic for philosophical skepticism is: RELIGION.
Although I have come into terms about my issues with God and that is I told
him that i dont truly believe in all the things that are written in the bible and
what his followers say about him. I believe and I want to believe that He is
a good God and that He truly listens and that He has not forsaken this
damned world. A blind belief. I think people need something to believe in and
even atheism is believing in something, right?

There is a very thin line between knowing that you listen and that you are
aware of the music coming from dimensions beyond and not knowing and
not being aware. Does one ever truly know that they are listening? Or are
they just assuming that they are listening? No one knows. I dont know. I
might never know. Do you know for sure? Or are you one of those people
who group together and name themselves as philosophers of the thinkers
and seekers of the beyond.

Alyanna Cuaki
BSN3A
12:25-3:25W
The story of Sisyphus baffled me so much that I changed my twitter name to
sisyphusss. Why mention this? My social life is a slight representation of
me I believe. Many people asked me what my name meant and I told them
to just google it because the story is too long and I dont think theyll
appreciate it as much as I do. I think of highly of that myth because it is a
PERFECT representation of how I perceive life.
I may be young but as I see it from the many adults I have talked with and
books I have read and situations I have thoroughly thought of. Life may be
just one B.S cycle that we were all made to believe that after all these
eternal bliss is the reward. No one knows what is beyond the endless pushing
and carrying of that boulder.
Is there an ending? Is there even a pushing? Do we even have to push? Is
there even a god that is punishing us or people from way way back just
made us believe in some crap for people today to keep on pushing? It may

be a political science thing or a psychology thing. You know, economy,

people might need to have something to believe in or ideas to be put in them
for order and justice and for the world to work because scientist and
philosophers believed that if people didnt believe in anything there would be
disorder and anarchy. They give us the illusion of freedom for their plan to
work. Who knows?
I think the search is never over. I think humans as we are, hardly satisfied
creatures. People will always have thirst for more. I have thirst for more. I
dont even completely believe in what I believe in today. I only believe in the
fact that everything that I believe in is a thin line. A thin line of right and
wrong. Of love and hate. Of truth and lie. Of illusion and a fact. I never am a
white and black person. Im always in between. As you can observe, almost
all my reflections have questions in them. It is more of a question paper than
a reflection paper. My search is never over and I hope to find people who will
help me find my answers.
Alyanna Cuaki
BSN3A
12:25-3:25
I dont know what to feel about death. I have been thinking about it for
myself for so long. I have always retracted to death like its an easy way out.
If this wont work out, I could always just kill myself so the jokes on you
life! Thats how my mind works and I hate it. I talk about death like its a
friend. Like its an option every day. I think people label this suicidal.
I have been this way for so long that I forgot how to not be this way.
Churchill said that anyone who isnt afraid of death is lying and I m
wondering, am I afraid of death? When I think about it. It doesnt necessarily
races my heart rate. What scares me about it is how Im going to die. Am I
going to hit a truck? Get killed? Burn to death? Etc. but what comes after it

leaves me inert. Im neither afraid nor unafraid. I dont know what to feel. Is
there even an afterlife? Or are we going to be as dead and as lifeless as our
physical being?
Although, my mind is maze of suicidal tendencies I want to perceive death as
a gate. To a new and a hopefully better dimension. Whatever is in the next
world I hope it is something good. I want to believe that it is something good.
Am I paralyzed by death? By the fact that I am going to die anytime? That
where were all bounded to is death? No. I dont think about death that way.
In fact, I think this life is just a plain Sisyphus myth kind of life that I am
better off in the next life. I want to speed up my time here to the next. I think
so lowly of myself that I never understood why when people of higher power
use death as a threat? Is it a threat? Or is it a gift? Why are people so afraid
of the unknown? Maybe because they are unprepared. Doomsday preppers
must be feeling super crazy and paranoid thinking about death. Since they
are too prepared for the apocalypse, they dont know what to prepare for
when they die and for what comes after it. I hate the way I perceive life this
way though. I am still reasoning it out to myself. To not see life as a constant
repetitive punishment. Its hard. Its sad and it makes me feel hopeless.
Alyanna Cuaki
BSN3A
12:25-3:25W
I have always considered myself as an idle, unproductive, lifeless, soulsucked entity. I am so swallowed in my self-loathe that I couldnt see myself
strong enough or courageous enough to seek and achieve my desires. Even
though I have slight crack of light and hope in my brain it always ends up to
the conclusion that I am bound to fail. I think in whatever I put my mind into,
the end route is a massive big slap of failure.

I think being alive is something. It is between beautiful, inspiring and painful

and frustrating. Life is such an overused word and has such a wide definition
that I dont even know how to define it in a metaphorical sense. I think
human race is garbage but I also think in some twisted way it is beautiful.
Being alive is such an experience. It is easy and hard and nothing ever is
right or wrong. Like everything is always a thin line. I dont know how to put
all my thoughts in scholarly way.
I think everything is an illusion or not. See? I cant really conclude on
anything. Im sorry but Im a lazy skeptic and also because Im rushing into
doing thing reflection.

Alyanna Cuaki
BSN3A
12:25-3:25W
I think personal judgement is such a personal thing that most people should
keep it to themselves. So many things and words run in my head every day
and I dont see the relevance of always shoving it into other peoples mind.

I think how I judge things are logical and rational. Im aware when my
opinions are completely wrong and twisted but I still choose to stand in
them. I think judgment is very important. It determines our decisions and our
way of life and how we perceive others so I dont get it when people my
generation tell me dont judge me, but I did this and that. Im like of
course im gonna judge you but my judgement should be irrelevant to you. I
stand by whatever my thoughts processes and then from there I can either
hate myself for thinking that way or accept it.
My longings are shallow. I just wanna be brilliant in my field, raise a kind
child, and have a fantastic career. Success is differently defined by each one
and for me, I want rush into it. I dont know. I dont wanna linger on the
process of my success cause betweet that there is this thrill and rush of not
knowing whether youll achieve it or not. I dont like that feeling. I wanna be
in control. I wanna be assured of such. Who knows? My definition of success
might change. i have time to grow and learn. I wanna grow and learn.