HD489-Evidence

HD 487A- Reflective Study Research I

Cherilyn Helguera
March 3, 2015

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Introduction
The research question I will try to obtain an answer for is How does being
molested as a child affect a childs emotional well-being? This question relates to
my life because I was molested as a child. My earliest knowledge of this horrific
time started at the age of four years old through the age of seven. During this life
changing experience I was left feeling dirty, helpless, and betrayed. I didnt
understand at the time how much this experience was altering my emotional wellbeing. I also lived a life of secrecy and guilt. My actions later in life led me down a
path of rebellious destructive behavior.
When I lived with my mother, I remember behaving in ways that a young
child under four years old should not be doing. I can not remember the act of
being molested at this time in my life because I was either too young to
remember or I blocked it out of my life. During this point in my life after my
parents divorced my mother continued her life as a lesbian. Everyone in our
home was homosexual and I remember mainly women being apart of my life.
When my mother lost custody of me I went to live with my father and his
new wife. She had three daughters who were older than me. I thought this would
be a safe environment for me, but unfortunately, I was wrong. It was not long
after moving into my fathers house that they needed someone to care for me full
time. My father and step-mother worked long hours and my older step sisters
were full time in school.
I remember attending school at the age of four and my caregiver picking
me up and taking care of me. During those hours of care she would make me

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food, play games with me, and give me baths. These were not typical games and
baths because they always consisted of fondling. It was disgusting and I hated
everyday having to be with her.
I wanted to tell my father whom I trusted more than anyone, but he was
hardly home and when he was, he was drunk. My step mother didnt seem to
care about me because she worked long hours and was always tired when she
came home. I did not have a close relationship with two of my step sisters. They
were much older and so distant. They were always more concerned with their
own lives and continually motioned me away to leave them alone. This made me
feel unwanted and desperately wanting to be loved.
I was very close to the younger of the three step sisters, but I had trouble
telling her about what was going on because my caregiver was a family member.
I was also told by my caregiver to never tell because it was my fault why all this
was happening. I felt responsible that this person was doing this because of
something I had done.
When I was seven years old I was home from school and my caregiver
motioned me to the room. As I entered she had me take off my pants and began
to do fondle me and tell me things I was not comprehending at the time. These
were sexual words that obviously excited her but was not understandable to me
at this age. I wanted her to hurry and finish but it seemed like an eternity. All of
sudden there was a knock on the door. My step mother came home early from
work. I was excited, maybe now she would be caught. My caregiver had me hide
in the closet and put my pants back on. She told my step mother I was playing

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outside and that she was changing her clothes because she spilled something on
them.
I wanted to scream and tell my step mother that I was there and let her
know what was happening. The fear was so gripping, I stayed quiet as I was
always told. Once my step mother left my caregiver told me to go outside and
come back in shortly. I did what I was supposed to do again and nothing unusual
was noticed.
Between those three years of not only sexual abuse but there was
physical abuse. My step mother agreed that this person could spank me when
needed because I was a defiant child. I did not do my chores in a timely manner,
I did not eat all my vegetables, or I did not remember to brush my teeth. I was
told I needed a firm reminder.
The spankings were given a minimum of three times per week. I could
not understand how I could be spanked so much for simple things I did wrong.
One time in particular I came home from school and I was scolded by my
caregiver for not taking out the bathroom trash. I emptied all the other trash cans
but that one I missed. She took me to the bathroom to show me my mistake. She
then proceeded to pull my pants down and spank me.
This time was different, it was harder and with great anger. I was
screaming when one of my step sisters came home. This one was the youngest
of the three which whom I was closer to. She screamed at my caregiver to leave
me alone. She grabbed me and took me into my parents room and tried to lock

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the door. The caregiver continued to push on it to try to get me but my step sister
continued to push with all her might. She managed to shut it and lock it.
As they screamed at each other through the door I was so frightened. I
knew later when noone was around I would be punished far worse. I was curled
up into a ball crying hysterically. It was not due to so much the physical pain of
the spanking but more of the years of the abuse. Once my caregiver stopped
screaming and banging on the door my step sister came to me to hold me.
She asked if I was alright but I could barely speak. She held me and told
me that she will fix this and my caregiver would never hurt me again. I know she
only knew of the physical abuse, but how could I tell of the sexual abuse. I was
still gripped with fear and unable to communicate.
That night my step sister talked to my parents about the confrontation and
demanded that my caregiver not take care for me anymore. Surprisingly they
agreed and I was set free from this person. Because this person was a family
member I was never fully set free. Whenever I saw her I was gripped with fear
and withdrew from the areas she would be in. I always stayed close to the
youngest step sister and did not venture too far from her.
Going through this traumatic experience in my life it made me want to
protect all children. I know that many children who experience sexual and
physical abuse feel insecure, low self-esteem, angry, and withdrawn. Untreated,
that child will continue with emotional issues which could lead to alcohol and drug
abuse as well as suicide.

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I want to explore the emotional well-being of a child due to the effects of

being molested. I want to understand the effects of a childs development and
what alters their life experiences due to this event. I will be looking for
empowerment vs. helplessness and isolation vs. security.
Methodology
The best method for me to collect data for this study is by conducting my
interviews face to face. Unfortunately, my participants live relatively far from me.
In order to keep a face to face interview I will conduct my interviews via Skype.
By doing an interview face to face I can witness the participants
emotions regarding their experience. I will also listen to them which could lead to
further information that I am not currently looking for. I am personally connected
to my participants which could lead to an understanding of my own personal
experience.
It is important to me to interview women who have had a similar
experience to mine since we would be able to relate to one another versus a man
who was molested. The psychological well-being of these women could be
similar to mine. I will use these research questions during my interview:
How old were you when this experience happened?
How did this affect your childhood? Give Examples
Was this person or persons held responsible for their actions?
Did this person remain in your life after the experience? Were they family
or a family friend?

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Did this experience affect future relationships? Whether friendships or

personal?
If you have children or are apart of childrens lives (relative and/or
personal) how do you feel towards these children? Do you see yourself
more protective or possibly over-protective toward these children?
Critical Assessment of Research Design
The main limitations of this study is the limitation of participants and
individually interviewing them. Having more participants can provide more data,
but taking into consideration culture, gender, family support, and the experience
itself can offer thorough information.
Since the participants are close relations to me could possibly
compromise the data for this study. This can be a difficult and sensitive topic
which could make it difficult to not only ask these questions, but make it
emotionally difficult to get through the actual interviews. Also by conducting these
interviews via Skype, I can not fully see the participants body language and if
there is distraction in their environment it could limit them to fully indulge
information due to discretion or embarrassment.
I will do my best to be sympathetic to their personal experiences. Since I
am personally aware of some of the stories from my participants I will alleviate
these possibilities by being genuinely interested in their stories. I will withhold my
personal feelings regarding the perpetrator in order to focus my attention on the
victim, my participant.

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