Leader’sEdge
Difficult conversations:
How to destroy your opponent
L eaders ensure “difficult conversa-
tions” occur. Leaders realize the po-
tential costs to not having difficult
conversations:
•• Low morale — Others see the con-
versations not happening and accept
that the culture fosters the avoidance of
needed conversations.
•• Procrastination — The conversa-
tion sits inside somebody’s head and
can limit their productivity as well as
everyone else’s. You have probably
heard the stereotype: Accountants
hide behind the numbers. That is
probably false at times and true
at other times. However, is it
possible we also sometimes
hide from confrontation?
•• Status quo — The
same unacceptable results
that inspire the need for the
difficult conversation are
allowed to continue.
The “difficult conversa-
tions” I’m talking about are not
of the firing kind — those may
require a different set of tactics entirely.
Rather, these are conversations related
to problems that must be solved (prob-
lems between co-workers and unfulfilled
requests, to name a couple of examples)
that are so common in our day-to-day
activities.
If you accept the notion that leaders
understand the costs of avoidance and re-
alize “difficult conversations” are required
in many cases to help a person, team or
“Leader’s Edge” is a six-part Disclosures column by Brian Kush, CPA,
CISA, CITP, focusing on management, leadership and interpersonal
skills essential for CPAs. Brian is a featured VSCPA speaker who travels
the state offering in-house CPE courses. Want to learn more or book
Brian for your firm or company? Contact VSCPA Customized Education
Manager Lydia Sartori at lsartori@vscpa.com or (804) 612-9425.
10 Leader ’s Edge • Disclosures • May/June
By Brian Kush, CPA, CISA, CITP
company move forward, then how do we
get better at holding such conversations?
First, recognize what you
bring to the fight
The most important thing you bring to a
difficult conversation is not a solution. The
most important thing you bring to a dif-
ficult conversation is yourself! That sounds
too obvious, but the question that will help
make it more strategic is: “What are you
bringing?”
Are you bringing someone who:
•• Just came out of another meeting that
you are still thinking about, or someone
who has taken a few brief moments to
center or calm yourself so you can be
fully engaged?
•• Assumes he or she knows how the
conversation will go, or someone who
is open to new possibilities and seeing
another side?
•• Seeks to “win” a conversation and “de-
feat” the other person, or someone who
seeks to “defeat” the problem?
Identify your opponent
and your purpose
When we think of the word “opponent”
we think of an adversary or competitor —
a person. But who is your opponent? Most
of the time, the opponent is the current
state or the current results. Your opponent
is not another person.
Your opponent is not THE other person.
Your purpose is to beat the opponent,
and since the opponent is a behavior, ac-
tion, result or impending result, you will
need all the help you can get. Ensure the
specific result or action that needs to be
changed (the opponent) is very clear.
Remember, the person you are about to
have that conversation with is your team-
mate! They are on your side. It may just
take some “leading” for both of you to see
that.
Realize the history of the
battle will have at least three
different stories
When approaching a difficult conversa-
tion, remember that your version of past
events, your story, is only a part of the
understanding process (the first story). You
will need to uncover the other person’s
story, and then you can empower the
problem-solving process by developing,
together with the other person, the third
story.
The third story is respectful: It has con-
sidered both of the other stories, after they
are both fully heard.
The third story is resourceful: It is writ-
ten (co-created) by a team — both of you!
The third story is resilient: It identi-
fies the true opponent (actions, behaviors,
results) and the opportunity to crush that
opponent (what is the result we want?).
When you change the “you vs. me” ap-
proach to a “we vs. the problem” approach,
there will be a major shift in your effec-
tiveness. Have you ever heard the saying,
“People are not resistant to change, but
they are resistant to being changed?”
Maybe it’s the same with difficult
conversations. Are we resistant to them
because we don’t want to solve problems
or are we resistant to them because we see
our very vulnerable selves as THE prob-
lem? You can lead that shift:
•• Explicitly state that you want to present
the issue at hand as you understand it (in
your words) and then you want to fully
hear out the other person’s side of the
story.
•• Invite him or her to help you co-create
the stronger third story, which will be
the basis from which problem solving
begins.
Listen, listen and environment where discomfort
listen some more
The most empowering gift you can pro-
vide a person or team when they provide
“their story” is the gift of your ear — listen-
ing with your full attention.
Many times a “difficult” conversation
ONLY requires listening. Have you ever
been in a conversation with someone,
expecting a big fight and you resisted your
urge to interrupt? Then they simply vented
about something. You bit your tongue.
Once they were all talked out, they (magi-
cally) forgot about the “fight” at hand, or
Leader ’s Edge • Disclosures • May/June 11
shockingly they changed their mind or
attitude.
Sometimes, many times, all someone
wants is to be simply understood. We relish
that more than we do being “right.” But in
an ironic twist, when we feel like we are
not understood and respected, we will fight
hard to be “right.”
So, what’s the best way to make some-
one feel understood and respected? Make
them feel and see your sincere, deep desire
to listen to and consider what they have to
say. Listen without interrupting, without
condemnation and without conclusions.
Listen with your mind and your body, and
listen by asking clarifying and curiosity-
based questions. In short, listen like you are
on the same team with the same purpose!
Finally, crush your opponent
Once you have the problem and events
defined in the third story, then it is time
to do what you do well — problem solve!
Brainstorm solutions: Throw out all kinds
of ideas, consider what has worked in
similar situations, or consider having the
other person create and present their ideas!
Evaluate the options, decide on the best
actions and send your TEAM to battle to
defeat the opponent.
Crush your opponent together!
Every time the need for a difficult
conversation presents itself, there is also a
tremendous opportunity. It’s the opportu-
nity to lead a “difficult” conversation into a
team-based problem-solving exercise. Both
individual parties will grow and so will
trust. The more you build trust with your
cohorts, the stronger your relationships and
teams will become, and stronger results
will follow. 
Brian Kush, CPA,
CISA, CITP,
is a leadership coach
and president at
Moxie Partners, and
author of “Auditing
Leadership”
(Wiley, July 2009). Contact him at
brian@moxiepartners.com or
(571) 313-1735.
Every time
the need for a
difficult conversation
presents itself,
there is tremendous
opportunity.
Ask questions
to solve
problems
Many people focus on a future
conversation as “difficult”
based on their perception of
what will happen. They see it as
“unavoidable conflict” or they
focus on “what can go wrong.”
Try taking a different outlook by
answering some questions like
these:
•• How might this conversation
build trust in our relationship
or in our team?
•• How might this situation
present an opportunity for us to
be creative? Maybe brainstorm
together on potential solutions?
•• How might this conversation
be an opportunity for us to
learn more about each other?
•• How might this conversation
be the first step in creating an
is not avoided, but rather
welcomed as an opportunity
to realize a break-through or
turning point?
•• How might this conversation,
once completed, stand as
evidence that we are in this
together as a team with some
common purpose?
Leaders do this. You can do this.