Lesbians Who Engage in Public BDSM

LESBIANS WHO ENGAGE IN PUBLIC BONDAGE, DISCIPLINE,
DOMINANCE, SUBMISSON AND SADOMASOCHISM (BDSM)
A Dissertation
Presented to the Faculty Of the
School of Human Service Professions
Widener University
In Partial Fulfillment
of the Requirements for the Degree
Doctor of Education
By
Marcia A. Matthews
Center for Education
May, 2005
Dr. William Stayton, Th.D.
Dissertation Committee Chair
Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission.
UMI Number: 3167341
Copyright 2005 by
Matthews, Marcia A.
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Title of Dissertation:
LESBIANS WHO ENGAGE IN PUBLIC

BONDAGE, DISCIPLINE, DOMINANCE,
SUBMISSION AND SADOMASOCHISM (BDSM)
Author:
Marcia A. Matthews
Approved by:
illiam R. Stayton, Th.D.
Widener
University
arol Cobb=fNfeltleton, D.S.W.
'atricia B. Koch, Ph.D.
Date: Friday, April 1,2005
Submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Degree of

Doctor o f Education.
COPYRIGHT BY
MARCIA A. MATTHEWS
.2005
In loving memory of
my grandmother, Angeline LaRose,
whose unconditional love
still feeds and nurtures my heart.
To my mother, Coradina LaRose Matthews

and my late father, Dr. Francis Matthews
for instilling in me the value
of higher education,
for which I am forever grateful.
To my partner, Robin Fradkin;

if not for her love, support,
and endless patience,
the completion of this dissertation
would not have been possible.
Acknowledgements
The remarkable people who participate in BDSM and who
are so self-aware and honest it sends me reeling are all
too often categorized as freaks in this society. This is so
far from the truth that it demanded attention and research.
The women I encountered along the road to this work's
completion inspired me with their intelligence, compassion,
sanity, and humanity.
First and foremost, I would like to
thank those six brave and sincere women for sharing their
stories with me.
I'd also like to thank my tireless committee: Dr.
Patricia Koch, whose relentless edits and revisions were
inspired and essential to the thorough completion of this
dissertation; Dr. Konstance McCaffree, whose guidance and
support was integral to my process and whose presence was
sorely missed during the final stages as she worked to
recover from illness; and to my chair, Dr. William Stayton
whose indefatigable cheerleading and encouragement gave me
the strength to carry on through this arduous process.
My undying thanks go to my study partners-in-crime,
Dr. Sandra Greenberg and Keith Cetera. Their support and
long Sunday afternoons of exhaustion-inspired laughter
helped keep my eyes on the prize.
ii
Thanks also to my wonderful support network of family,

friends, and colleagues. Their patience throughout this
process was immeasurable.
My gratitude goes also to Dr. Frances Bonds-White,
without whom I never would have pursued this dream.
I would like to thank my partner, Robin for her
infinite editing, proofreading, formatting, and computer
fluency. Without her, I'd still be lost transcribing the
endless hours of interviews.
I would also like to recognize the night I was
introduced to BDSM - July 5, 2003, an evening I will not
soon forget.
Special thanks to Zachary for giving silent support
from his spot napping by my feet while I worked; and to the
babies, Simon and Piper, for comic relief during those
last, long hours.
iii
Abstract
This phenomenological study looked at the previous research
and therapy on bondage, discipline, dominance, submission
and sadomasochistic
(BDSM) sex play from psychodynamic,
behavioral and sociological perspectives. This collective

body of research generally focused on gay and straight men
and lacked an investigation of BDSM from the individuals'
subjective experiences. More specifically, research was
lacking on lesbians who engage in public BDSM sex play.
Thus, the purpose of this study was to examine the
subjective experiences of lesbians who engage in public
BDSM in order to advance current knowledge of the lesbian
BDSM scene. Using a phenomenological approach, six face-toface in-depth interviews were conducted. In these
interviews, the participants were asked to describe: how
they had gotten into public BDSM sex play, what the
experience was like for them, and what effects
participanting in the scence had on their lives. The data
were analyzed using the process recommended by Moustakas
(1994). All of the women expressed having some interest in
exploring BDSM, some since childhood or for many years
before actually getting involved in the scene. Some of them
had initial misgivings about their interest in BDSM, but
iv
when the opportunity presented itself, they took it. As

"newbies", the women were socialized into the scene. All of
the women experienced feelings of nervousness or
anticipation prior to scene play and most of the women
engaged in negotiation. During scene play, tops reported
being hyperaware of everything going on, getting into
performing and being exhibitionists. Bottoms reported
feeling "in the zone" in which they were allowed to
selfishly concentrate on the sensations of their bodies
while being "safe" and cared for. Both tops and bottoms
experienced an exchange of energy/power. After scene play
and during aftercare, participants reported catharsis and
healing, feeling cherished, protected and sexually
satisfied. The major theme that pervaded throughout the
stages of scene play was one of connection with one's
partner and the overall community. A sense of fun and
sexual satisfaction was also pervasive. Three major themes
emerged from the effects that BDSM sex play has on the
women's overall lives. The women gained a sense of
empowerment and skills that improved their overall
relationships. While these themes were overwhelmingly
positive, a minor concern about others' misunderstanding of
BDSM also emerged.
v
Table of Contents
Dedication..................................................i
Acknowledgements.......................................... ii
Abstract................................................... iv
List of Appendixes...................................... viii
CHAPTER ONE: Introduction.................................. 1
Purpose of This Research Study....................... 4
Delimitations......................................... 5
Definitions of Terms.................................. 6
CHAPTER TWO: What Do We Know About BDSM Sex Play?........ 11
Introduction......................................... 11
Theoretical/Historical Overview..................... 13
Psychodynamic Perspective............................13
Behavioral Perspective............................... 15
Sociological Perspective.............................17
Research on BDSM..................................... 24
CHAPTER THREE: Methodology................................ 3 9
Rationale for Qualitative Study..................... 39
Phenomenology........................................ 4 0
Participants and Setting.............................41
Data Collection: The Interview Process.............. 42
Data Analysis........................................ 44
Reliability and Validity.............................45
vi
CHAPTER FOUR: Lesbian Women and Their Journeys

into Public BDSM Play..................................... 47
Abby's Story
47
Sarah's Story........................................ 48
Hannah's Story....................................... 48
Lisa's Story......................................... 49
Kate's Story
49
Danielle's Story..................................... 50
The Journey into BDSM Play
50
First Experiences: The "Newbie" Phenomenon.......... 56

Common Themes........................................ 65
CHAPTER FIVE: Experiencing the Public BDSMScene.......... 67
Preparation Before a Scene.......................... 68
During a Scene: What is the ExperienceLike?......... 75
After a Scene: Aftercare.............................84
Overarching Themes in the Public BDSMPhenomenon....86
The Essence of Public BDSM Sex Play................. 92
BDSM's Impact on Women's Lives...................... 94
CHAPTER 6: Discussion and Recommendations............... 110
Discussion.......................................... 110
Recommendations for Future Study................... 116
References................................................118
vii
Appendixes
122
viii
List of Appendixes
Appendix A
Consent Form...........
122
Appendix B
Interview Questions................................. 124
Appendix C
Demographics Questionnaire..........................125
Appendix D
Participant Instructions............................126
ix
CHAPTER 1
Introduction
Sexuality is a multifaceted, evolving, fluid, unique
and "complicated phenomena"
(Califia, 2000, p. 177). As a
result "we live in a sexually multi-cultural society where

the creation of distinct subcultures within the dominant
American culture" has emerged (Bettinger, 2002, p. 94). One
of the most prominent subcultures to emerge has been the
bondage, discipline, dominance, submission and
sadomasochism (BDSM or, often, S/M) subculture.
Although many people participate in BDSM play, there
still remains a lot of misunderstanding and "social stigma
attached to SM"
(Moser, 1988, p. 43), which stems, in part,
from the lack of research on the participants' perspective.

Houlberg (1991) notes,
"Sadomasochism subcultures are by
necessity, somewhat secretive; for that reason, the

participants' perspective is extremely necessary in fully
understanding the subculture"
(p. 182).
Much of the research that has been conducted on

individuals who engage in BDSM sexual behavior has focused
on attempting to quantify and categorize specific sexual
behaviors. While important, this process can often negate
the magnetism that the individual feels toward entering
"the scene"
(M.S. Weinberg, Williams & Moser, 1984,
Califia; 2000; Taylor & Ussher, 2001,). However, it has led

researchers to identify various aspects of BDSM such as the
consensual, erotic and recreational nature and the variety
of sexual behaviors that may be incorporated into a
particular scene (Alison, Santtila, Sandnabba, & Nordling,
2001; Califia, 2000; Queen, 1996; T.S. Weinberg, 1987).
There still is, however, much we don't know about the
S/M subculture as Taylor & Ussher (2001) assert that,
"over
the past 100 years or so, numerous theories have been put
forward in an attempt to explain the apparent attraction of
S/M"
(p. 294). These theories include psychoanalytic
theory, behavioral theory and the sociological perspective.

Yet, despite the offerings of previous research and
theoretical perspectives, an important aspect has been
overlooked, the subtle nuances of individual subjective
experiences that BDSMers have (Taylor & Ussher, 2001). This
gap may lead many professionals, as well as laypeople, to a
possible misunderstanding of an individual's draw toward
BDSM sexual behavior and play.
To those that are less knowledgeable, BDSM is seen as
comprising "violent, dangerous activity" when, in fact,
"safe, sane and consensual is the universally accepted
credo and philosophical core of the D & S [dominance and

submission] subculture"
(Brame, Brame & Jacobs, 1993, p.
49). According to Califia (2000), "It is a consensual

activity that involves polarized roles and intense
sensations.... The basic dynamic of S/M is the power
dichotomy, not pain"
asserts,
(p. 165, 171). Califia further
"The exchange of power is more essential to S/M
than intense sensation, punishment, or discipline"
(p.
175). The power dynamic is an important facet of BDSM.

However, an individual's subjective experiences are also an
important and much less understood aspect.
Alison et a l . (2001) suggest that BDSMers "only engage
in a limited set of behaviors and not others suggesting
that sadomasochism is a label for a number of independent
phenomena"
(p. 2). One of these phenomena within the BDSM
community is that of public BDSM play. Public play involves

engaging in BDSM in public clubs and dungeons as well as
private parties hosted by organizations or individuals.
What distinguishes play public is playing in a space with
other people where other people are also playing. Such play
is not necessarily open to the public.
Preferences for playing publicly and privately vary
within the BDSM community. The reason for individual
behavioral preferences is yet unclear and additional

research is needed in this area to clarify these phenomena
(Alison, et a l ., 2001). Previous literature has "ignored
the individual experiences of those who engage in S/M,
whilst its subjective meaning has been relegated, dismissed
as fixed and unitary, or irrelevant"
(Taylor & Ussher,
2001, p. 295).
Purpose of this Research Study
Based on the gaps in understanding, the purpose of
this study was to explore the subjective experiences of
lesbians who engage in public BDSM sex play. To do this, an
interview format was utilized so that women could tell
their stories in their own words to describe the experience
of participating in public BDSM sex play and the feelings
that accompanied that experience. These stories also
illuminated the wider impact that the participants' BDSM
experience has had on their lives. A qualitative research
approach, phenomenology, was used to best understand the
women's lived experiences and the phenomenon of public BDSM
sexual play. The overarching question that was explored
was: What is the experience of public BDSM sex play like
for lesbians who engage in this behavior? This phenomenon
gave rise to the following sub-questions:
1.
Could you tell me the story of how you got involved in

public BDSM play?
2.
How do you feel before, during, and after scene play?
3.
What meanings does your involvement in the scene hold

for you?
Delimitations
The focus of this study has been narrowed in order to
both fill the gap and advance the current body of

literature on BDSM. The researcher has limited this study
in the following ways:
1.
The interviews were conducted with lesbians/ queer

women from large urban cities on the East Coast, which
allowed the researcher access to data collection.
2.
The interviewees were limited to six individuals to

allow for the collection of in-depth stories that
illustrated the lived experiences of the women
interviewed.
3.
The study was limited to adult participants who were

age 21 or older.
Definitions of Terms
Although several of the following terms are not used
in this study, they are terms commonly used within the BDSM
community. References to these definitions are found in the
following sources although they have been adopted for this
study: Brame et a l . (1993); Warren (2000); Varrin (2001);
and Bannon (1992).
Abductions: A negotiated scene that includes kidnapping a

person and bringing them to an undisclosed location.
Aftercare: The caretaking between top and bottom that
occurs at the end of a scene.
Age Play: A role-play where one or both partners take
personas of people older or younger than they really
are. Common examples are Teacher/Schoolgirl,
Daddy/Girl and Babysitter/Naughty child.
Bondage:
Restraining, binding, or otherwise immobilizing a
person within a sadomasochistic scene.

Bondage & Discipline: The combination of restraint and
control w i t h p u n i s h m e n t or humiliation.
Bottom: Someone who enjoys the submissive role in the

scene.
Collared: To be collared is to have accepted a collar from

a dominant. This presumes a certain degree of
continued submission, the degree of which is up to the
individuals involved and may range from highly
dedicated to extremely casual.
Dominant: An individual who accepts the submissive's power
and uses it for their mutual pleasure.
Do-nothing bottom/ Do-me-queen: A bottom that gives nothing
back to the top, whose sole interest lies in receiving
attention.
Exhibitionist: Act of publicly exposing parts of one's body
that is conventionally covered, especially to seek
sexual gratification or stimulation.
Fisting: Insertion of the hand into the anal or vaginal
cavity.
Knife play: Using a knife as part of a scene. This often
does not involve cutting, but is used to gently
scratch the surface of the skin, threaten, and
stimulate.
Lesbian Sex Mafia: First lesbian BDSM group which started
in New York in the 1970's.
Masochism: The condition of responding to or being
dependent on receiving punishment, bondage,
discipline, humiliation and/or servitude in order to

become sexually aroused and reach orgasm.
Negotiating: The negotiating of ground rules between
partners who are going to engage in S/M play.
Newbie: A person who is new to the scene.
Nipple clamps: An S/M toy that places pressure on the
nipples for erotic stimulation.
Piercing: The inserting of needles into the body for erotic
effect. The piercing can be temporary or permanent.
Permanent piercings are maintained by inserting
various kinds of piercing jewelry.
Play party: A BDSM party which, unless it is explicitly
allowed, does not typically include safer sex.
Punching: Hitting with closed fist.
Rough trade: When individuals hit, punch, kick and slap one
another.
Sadism: The condition of on inflicting humiliation,
punishment, torture, restraint, or pain on one's
partner in order to achieve sexual arousal and
facilitate orgasm.
Sadomasochism: A consensual activity involving polarized
role playing, intense sensations and feelings,
actions, and fantasies that focus on the playing out
or fantasizing of dominant and submissive roles as

part of a sexual scenario.
Safe, sane and consensual: A slogan popular in the scene
defining the components of proper play.
Safe word: A word or phrase which permits the submissive to
withdraw consent and terminate the scene at any point
without endangering the illusion that the dominant is
in complete control.
Saint Andrews Cross: A diagonal shaped cross used for
bondage.
Scene: A consensually created bondage, dominance, or
sadomasochistic interaction involving two or more
partners for whom specific roles are mutually agreed
to and enacted.
Sex Party: A BDSM party in which safer sex is allowed.
Submission: The act of yielding to another's wishes or
desires.
Sub-space: A state of mind that a submissive enters when
there is a deep connection between the dominant and
submissive.
Suspension bondage: A set of techniques for suspending
submissive, using ropes, webbing or chain so that no
part of the body touches the floor.
10
Switch: A person who enjoys the dominant/ top and

submissive/ bottom roles. A switch may be dominant to
one person and submissive with another or may be
dominant or submissive with the same person at
different times.
Takedown scenes: Wrestling between two or more individuals
usually involving pinning one person to the floor.
T op: Someone who enjoys the dominant role in the scene.
Vanilla sex: A term used by players for the sexual habits
of non-SM players.
Wet sex area: A area set aside at a BDSM party specifically
for having sex.
11
CHAPTER 2
Literature Review: What Do We Know About Bondage,
Discipline, and Sadomasochistic Sex Play?
The purpose of this study was to explore the
BDSM sex play. This chapter will focus on what we know
about BDSM and who practices it. The chapter opens with a
brief introduction to the phenomenon, followed by a
theoretical/ historical overview of the topic that includes
the three prominent perspectives used for research and
therapy: Psychodynamic, Behavioral and Sociological. The
next major section presents research on BDSM, including
sections on survey, women and BDSM, content analysis and
ethnographic research.
Introduction
For the purpose of this study BDSM is defined as the
consensually engaging in sex play that can involve any form
of "physical and/ or psychological pain", dominant/
submissive role playing, bondage and discipline for the
understood purpose of sexual foreplay or arousal
(M.S.
Weinberg, et a l ., 1984, p. 379). It seems that it is not

uncommon for people in the United States to include
elements of BDSM into their sexual repertoires even if
12
those individuals do not identify themselves as "being into

BDSM or being in the scene."
Much less is known about the prevalence of public
BDSM. Often individuals
who engage in public BDSM do so at
conferences, play parties and private gatherings, which is

where the public BDSM culture can more easily be seen and
identified.
At every gathering, there is always proper
etiquette to follow and often senior members provide

sexuality education for those novice attendees who areopen
to learning.
The establishment of appropriate etiquette
and norms is twofold in that it provides for both the

inclusion' and exclusion of members into the subculture.
It is through this "adult socialization process where
real or imagined sexual contact leads the subject to,adopt
new behaviors and sexual scripts"
(Alison, Santtila,
Sandnabba & Nordling, 2001, p. 10). Through this process

BDSMers often identify with and assume specific roles such
as top, bottom, and switch.
"The person engaged in a
'scene' who is 'in control' is called a 'top',
'master', or
'mistress', the person being controlled is termed a

'bottom',
'submissive', or 'slave'
(although, in fact, both
actors are engaged in control, power transference, and the

direction of the 'scene')"
(Houlberg, 1991, p. 171). There
13
are some BDSMers who identify as switches, which refers to

the person who enjoys and derives pleasure from both the
top/ dominant role and the bottom/ submissive role (Varrin,
2001, Califia, 2000).
For some BDSMers, their sexual
scripts, roles, and the variety of scenes change over time

as new pleasures are explored and personal limits are
tested. To understand this current phenomenon, we first
need to consider the differing theoretical perspectives
that have been applied to BDSM throughout history.
Theoretical/ Historical Overview
In this section, the three major theoretical
perspectives applied to the understanding of BDSM will be
discussed: Psychodynamic, Behavioral, and Sociological.
Psychodynamic Perspective
Richard von Krafft-Ebing, a German physician, coined
the terms "sadism" and "masochism" in his treatment of
sexual pathology, Psychopathia Sexualis in 1886.
"The word
'sadism' was derived from work of the French writer Marquis

de Sade (1740-1814) and 'masochism' from Austrian novelist
Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895)" M.S. Weinberg, et
a l ., 1984, p. 379) . Early research and therapy in
sadomasochism (S/M) focused on the analysis of individuals
14
from a psychodynamic perspective. According to T.S.

Weinberg (1994), both Freud (1938), and Krafft-Ebing (1965)
considered S&M as evidence of individual psychopathology
leading to various degrees of neuroses or psychoses. Blum
(1991) writes:
Teasing the child during feeding, play, or
interrupting rest or sleep, allowing the infant to
torment the adult, excessive or inappropriate
stimulation, and difficulties in providing appropriate
soothing and comforting are all probably significant
in the evolution of sadomasochistic tendencies
(p. 442).
Kernberg (1991) regarded masochism as "an ingredient of
infantile sexuality"
(p. 333) and stated that "the degree
of severity of this perversion depends on the degree of ego

and superego pathology"
(p. 334). He purported that the
degree to which the masochistic perversion would affect a

person's life lies on a continuum with one end at normality
and neuroses and at the other end, psychoses.
This was
dependent upon the predominance of aggressive feelings and

behaviors as opposed to libidinal components of the
individual and the regressive nature of his or her
personality structure (Kernberg, 1991).
15
One of the biggest criticisms of the psychodynamic

literature is that it is based on overgeneralizations from
small clinical samples. A lot of the stigma that remains
today, such as the common notion that BDSMers participate
in "deviant" and "sick" behaviors comes from the early
psychodynamic perspective, which focused on BDSM as a
pathological behavior often stemming from some childhood
trauma or experience (T.S. Weinberg, 1987) or the result of
infantile sexuality gone awry (Kernberg, 1991). As a
result, psychoanalytic therapy tries to delve into the
underlying feelings in the unconscious that are assumed to
lead to this type of behavior. The goal is to have BDSMers
work through these misguided feelings and emerge as
"healed" and no longer interested or involved in BDSM
sexual behavior. Yet in a study comparing people who
practiced S&M and those who did not, Moser (1988) found
that there was no difference between them regarding
psychiatric problems or their daily functioning.
Behavioral Perspective
According to Breslow (1989), behavioral theory in
general does not address BDSM specifically. However,
"behaviorists do address the general subject of sexual
16
deviations....within this framework, sadomasochism is often

subsumed under fetishism"
(p. 270).
Breslow presented three different behavioral theories

that attempt to explain BDSM behaviors. First, he looked at
the work of Raymond (1956) who explained BDSM from a "one
trial association" which views BDSM occurring as the result
of an "individual forming a rapid association during some
sexual experience, apparently in much the same way as
imprinting occurs"
(p. 270).
Secondly, Breslow looked at the work of McGuire,

Carlisle & Young (1965) who considered a slower process in
which the learning of sexual behavior takes place. They
proposed that this process begins with a sexual experience
or an incident that's sexually arousing. Then, the
individual incorporates this experience into future
masturbation fantasies, resulting in orgasm which serves to
reinforce the behavior and repeat the cycle (Breslow,
1989). In the case of BDSM, an individual would find an
experience of dominance or submission to be arousing and
then would incorporate it into his or her fantasies and
sexual stimulation.
In his third behavioral theory, Breslow cites the work
of Fenichel (1945) who suggested that certain sexual
17
arousal or pleasure was associated with pain. That pain

then becomes the foreplay for sexual arousal and pleasure.
The common theme of all the behavioral theories is that
BDSM is learned behavior.
Breslow concluded by suggesting that additional data
are needed in order to reduce the misunderstanding and
acquire an accurate picture of BDSM in all its diversity.
He believed that the behavioral theories are too simplistic
and stresses that "more complete demographic and behavioral
data are essential in order to better understand who
sadomasochists are, what they do, and what they have in
common with each other"
(p. 2 72).
Sociological Perspective
It wasn't until the late 1970's that a different body
of research began to emerge; S/M was being studied from a
sociological perspective (T.S. Weinberg, 1987). It was the
sociologists that first started looking at S/M sexual
behavior from a cultural and community perspective
dependent upon meanings. T.S. Weinberg (1994) expressed an
unchanging view of S/M as a social behavior.
A concept that emerged from the sociological
literature is frames. According to Weinberg,
"frames are
culturally produced and transmitted components of a group,
18
which its members use to define and categorize situations,

settings, scenes, identities, roles, and relationships"
(p.
267). Failure to view behavior, like S/M in its social

context will result in "misframing" or misinterpretation.
For example, Baumeister (1988) framed masochism as:
a means of temporarily abandoning a conscious
awareness of one's self as a reflective, symbolic,
choice-making entity, what he calls 'high-level selfawareness,' while replacing it with a 'low-level'
awareness of one's self as a physical body,
concentrating on physical bodily sensations,
(p. 267)
Frames are further broken down into smaller components

called "keys." According to Weinberg,
"Humiliation,
costumes, and props are all examples of keys, which have

the symbolic power to transform identities"
(p. 267).
Therefore, individuals who engage in BDSM sex play use

frames to help them disengage from their true selves and
facilitating their escape from high-level self-awareness.
This temporary identity escape can lead, then, to personal
fulfillment. Weinberg adds that this is a way to lose
"oneself that is functionally similar to long distance
running, intoxication, drug use, or
meditation....Masochists use pain, bondage, humiliation,
19
fantasy, and role playing to facilitate this

process....[Therefore,] masochism may be healthy for the
individual rather than self destructive"
(p. 267).
M.S. Weinberg, Williams & Moser (1984) identified five

major concepts
(meanings) that were critical to BDSM
involvement: dominance and submission, role playing,

consensuality, a sexual context, and mutual definition. In
addition, T.S. Weinberg (1994) added pain, and limits,
fantasy and control to the list of BDSM meanings. Each of
these areas is discussed below.
Dominance and Submission
According to T. S. Weinberg (1994), exploring the
patterns of dominance and submission is the key to
understanding S/M. M.S. Weinberg, et a l . (1984) defines
dominance as the appearance that one partner rules over
another and submission as "an appearance of obedience to a
partner"
(p. 3 81). The appearance of rule over someone can
take many forms including physical and psychological

stimulation and bondage. Not all physical stimulation
involves pain; for example, bondage and humiliation are
other types of stimulation.
20
Role Playing
Role playing is "an exaggeration of those sets of
expectations that surround the particular dominant and
submissive roles chosen, for example, master and slave"
(p.
381). BDSM then refers to individuals who engage in scene

play that involves activities where one person is either in
the dominant or submissive role in order to act out sexual
fantasies. Setting up a scene is sometimes a carefully
negotiated and scripted process or can be a more
spontaneous experience.
Consensuality
Consensuality is "a voluntary agreement to enter into
dominant/submissive 'play' and to honor the 'limits'"
381). The BDSM motto is safe, sane and consensual
(p.
(G.G.
Brame, W.D. Brame & Jacobs, 1993; Warren, 2000). In order

to abide by this motto often times prior to scene play
individuals will choose a "safe word", which indicates when
the limits had been reached.
Sexual Content
Sexual content is "the presumption that the activities
have a sexual meaning"
(p. 381). According to M.S.
Weinberg, et a l . who over an eight year period observed and

interviewed a variety of S/M participants stated that the
21
majority of the participants they observed "defined what

they did as sexual in some way and did it in a setting that
sustained such meanings"
(p. 386).
Mutual Definition
Mutual definition is defined as "An assumption of a
shared understanding by the participants that their
activities are S/M"
(p. 381). Many individuals, straight
and queer, engage in a variety of sexual behaviors that may

appear to the onlooker as BDSM when, in fact, the
participants themselves do not consider them as such (M.S.
Weinberg, et a l . 1984).
Pain
According to T.S. Weinberg (1994)
"pain has
traditionally been subsumed in definitions of S&M...,

however, it is not... necessarily perceived by S&M
practitioners themselves as central to or even necessary
for S&M"
(pp. 269-270). So, what is the function of pain?
It can serve as a sexual stimulant that arouses someone. It

can trigger the production of endorphins which may result
in a feeling of euphoria and well-being. Because of these
properties, pain is often used to express dominance and
submission. In fact, "it may not be pain itself, but what
it symbolizes (i.e., that one is completely in control of
22
or under the control of, another person) that is erotic for

some people"
(pp. 270-271). In BDSM sex play pain can range
from mild psychological pain such as humiliation to more

extreme forms of pain that include a beating that is long
and hard enough that is can draw blood or cause bruising
and soreness for days.
According to Califia (2000) , "It [S/M] is a consensual
activity that involves polarized roles and intense
sensations.... The basic dynamic of S/M is the power
dichotomy, not pain"
asserts,
(p. 165, 171). Califia further
"The exchange of power is more essential to S/M
than intense sensation, punishment, or discipline"

175). The power dynamic,
(p.
(i.e. the exchange of power from
one person to another) is the important facet of BDSM that

makes it erotic to some. Pain is the symbol for this power
exchange.
Limits, Fantasy, and Control
Limits, fantasy and control are intertwined concepts
that have a common denominator, trust (T.S. Weinberg, 1987,
1994). In BDSM sex play scenes are discussed by both the
dominant and submissive; therefore, neither individual has
complete control. BDSMers develop a variety of scenes from
very casual to very elaborate with differing limits and
23
scripts. As a scene progresses, what occurs is due in part

to how the responses of each partner are interpreted and
responded to by the other, particularly the dominant
partner.
In addition to the concepts previously discussed,
Taylor and Ussher (2001) conducted a "qualitative study of
twenty-four self-identified sadomasochists, recruited
through SM clubs and agencies and informal networks"
(p.293) in which they identified some other important
meanings attributed to BDSM. These included transcendence,
learned behaviour, and intra-psychic. Transcendence
"involved positioning S/M within a spiritual or mystical
framework...or a heightened state of consciousness or as in
some way making them [the participants] more astute, more
enlightened or more alive"
(p. 305). This meaning was
closely connected to the participants'
"understanding of SM
as the result of a learnt association, usually originating

in childhood...[and] usually involved some awareness of S/M
as having a neuro-physiological component in which pain and
arousal became inseparable"
(p. 3 07). Finally, the intra
psychic component, a more psychodynamic-systemic approach

"generally involved SM being in some way related to certain
psychological aspects of their personalities, sometimes
24
understood as the result of experiences in childhood"
(p.
307) .
In conclusion, it is clear that there are several
different perspectives on BDSM, with some overlapping
assumptions and meanings. However, there still remains an
inadequate amount of information and knowledge on this
topic (Breslow, 1989). Breslow suggests "that this failure
of understanding is due to a number of factors. The first
is the lack of precise definitions of the phenomena being
studied. Another important factor is the lack of empirical
data on which to base the theories and hypotheses used to
try to explain the behavior. This current study approached
the phenomenon of public BDSM sex play from a sociological
perspective in order to shed light on the social context
and meanings of this behavior based on the insights of the
participants.
Research on BDSM
T.S. Weinberg (1994) wrote a review article focused on
the most important sociological research on sadomasochism.
This research has been conducted through surveys, content
analyses, and ethnography. These different types of studies
are discussed below.
25
Survey Research
Spengler's
(1977) work utilized an exploratory and
descriptive study. Spengler had 245 West German male

sadomasochists in his study, who were recruited through ads
or by distributing questionnaires at S&M clubs and
organizations. The study focused on the subculture,
opportunities for sex and the various ways subjects dealt
with social conflicts around their sexual needs. Spengler
was the first to do this kind of work and his approach to
S&M was from a nonjudgmental perspective which focused on
the social aspect of S&M. From his study, Spengler found
that many of the participants experienced self-acceptance
and positive feelings about their BDSM involvement.
Following Spengler's work, T.S. Weinberg (1978)
published his own paper where he addressed the issue of
males and females in our culture being dominate and
submissive, respectively. Yet, it was observed that in the
BDSM community most of the men are submissives. In order to
address this phenomenon, Weinberg drew heavily from
Goffman's
(1974) work on frame analysis. According to T.S.
Weinberg (1987), "frame analysis conceives of human

interaction as being bounded or 'framed' by social
definitions that give the behavior a specific contextual
26
meaning"
(p. 52). Therefore, what may appear to the
outsider as a violent act may, in fact, be a carefully

negotiated scene in the BDSM community. T.S. Weinberg
observed that "within the play frame, men often take roles
such as naughty child, and slave...so that it is not the man
as his real self who is being degraded by a woman, but the
man in some other role who is being punished"
(p. 53).
Kamel (1980, 1983) focused on how the BDSM leathersex

[gay male] identity was acquired. Through taped interviews,
conversations with men in bars and S&M literature, Kamel
"saw becoming as S&Mer as a social process through which an
individual slowly recognizes and makes sense of his
feelings in terms of social frameworks developed within the
leathersex world"
(p. 54).. In his work, Kamel identified
six stages an S&Mer goes through while becoming

increasingly more involved in the BDSM subculture. These
stages are: disenchantment stage, depression period, second
closet, curiosity, drifting stage and limiting. In the
disenchantment stage the individual becomes "disillusioned
with the gay world" and specifically that "the men he meets
are not masculine enough"
(P. 54). The depression period is
marked by isolation and a "retreat into a 'second closet'"

(p. 54); this gives way to a curiosity which is heightened
27
"by stories about the hyper-masculinity of the leathersex

subculture"
(p. 54). In the attraction stage "the
individual begins to learn some of the norms and values of

the S&M world and starts to see that S&M may be part of his
own erotic possibilities"
(p. 54). In the fifth stage, the
drifting stage, "the man may attempt to involve himself

actively in S&M by searching for partners"
final stage, limiting,
(p.54). In the
"the individual discovers what does
and does not fulfill him"
(p. 55). Kamel points out that
the six stages do not apply to every gay sadomasochist.

T.S. Weinberg and Falk (1980) explored the social
aspects of the heterosexual S/M scene. Through interviews
and content analysis of various forms of literature, the
researchers examined the norms and values identified in the
subculture. The authors found that there were a variety of
ways in which individuals connected such as "through
advertisements in S&M publications, participation in clubs
and organizations, through exposure to this behavior in
other subcultures such as swinging or prostitution, and
through chance"
(p. 55).
In a later paper, T.S. Weinberg and Falk (1983) teased

out S&M themes in popular culture and discovered that
novels and poetry with explicit S&M trace back to the 18th
28
century. They also identified a number of movies made in

the 1940's and 1950's that had spanking and humiliation
scenes with sexual undertones. According to T.S. Weinberg
and Falk, current movies, TV videos and records are much
more explicitly S&M than in the past. These researchers
admit that their basic argument,
"that S&M themes are found
throughout popular culture and are not unique to 'deviant'

subculture, requires more complete documentation (p. 56).
Women and BDSM
Much of the literature on BDSM revolves around a
sexist assumption that women are not involved in BDSM, or
if they are, it is to a very minor degree. Thus, most of
the research has focused on men. Yet, the research that has
included women has demonstrated that women are also active
participants in this phenomenon, although some gender
differences can be seen.
Breslow, Evans, & Langley (1985) conducted a study
that distributed questionnaires through two SM publications
by the same company and direct mailed to advertisers whose
ads appeared in a different SM publication. Of the
questionnaires distributed the researchers collected 182
samples, where 13 0 were males and 52 females. The results
indicated that there was no significant difference in ages
29
between the males and females, males reported a higher

level of education than females. However, it was reported
that overall both groups of participants were better
educated than the general population. This study indicated
that males identified as being into BDSM at an earlier age
than females and that females were introduced to BDSM by
"another person"
(p. 310). Both groups considered BDSM as
foreplay and it was interesting that the researchers found

that both groups enjoyed the various BDSM sex behaviors to
the same degree.
In another study, Baumeister (1988) based his research
on the "assumption that there are both male and female
masochists"
(p. 478). His study consisted of- analyzing the
content of letters that were sent to a sex-oriented

publication. The results found that there were slightly
more female dominants than males. In addition, Baumeister
(198 8) found that:
female masochistic scripts (expressions of desire
and imagination) surpassed male ones in relative
frequency of pain, in contextualizing pain as
punishment for misdeeds in an ongoing relationship,
humiliation involving exhibitionistic display, in
in
30
genital intercourse with partner, and in presence of

nonparticipating spectators,
(p. 478)
Clearly, the results of this study indicate that women

participate equally in the BDSM scene; however, their
fantasies, behavior and desires may differ.
In a more current attempt to bring much needed meaning
to the diverse practices of sadomasochistically oriented
behavior, Alison et a l . (2001) focused their research on
looking at the relationships between the individual acts
performed by individuals engaged in the sadomasochistic
subculture during the preceding twelve months. More
specifically, the researchers examined the existing facets
of sadomasochistic behavior, the relationship between those
behaviors and other domains, and how flexible people were
with those sexual repertoires.
The study included one hundred and eighty-four
subjects (22 women and 162 men) who were members of two
sadomasochistically oriented clubs. Most were recruited
from a club that caters to a mainly heterosexual population
with varying sexual preferences. A small percentage was
recruited from a homosexual club (Sandnabba, Santtila,
Alison and Nordling, 2002). The participants were
31
predominantly highly educated heterosexual, bisexual, and

homosexual persons. Although not explicitly defined, the
authors imply that the homosexuals in their study were all
male.
The researchers analyzed the data from the 184
questionnaires using the Smallest Space Analysis
(SSA) and
their results yielded several interesting findings. The

findings identified the overall classification of behaviors
into four categories: hypermasculinity, administration of
pain, humiliation and physical restriction. The researchers
graphed the specific S/M behaviors of the participants that
more highly correlated with each of the categories. For
example, hypermasculinity included behaviors like rimming,
the use of a dildo and cockbinding, while administration of
pain incorporated the use of clothespins, spanking and
caning. The humiliation category encompassed such behaviors
as flagellation, verbal humiliation and the use of a gag.
In the last category that the researchers identified,
physical restriction, they bondage, handcuffs and the use
of chains were prevalent.
Overall, it seemed that BDSM took on different
meanings and functions for participants based on their
32
gender and sexual orientation. For example, they found that

in regards to humiliation behaviors
(e.g. face-slapping,
verbal humiliation, etc.), women were more likely to engage

in them than were men. However, heterosexual men were more
likely to engage in humiliation behaviors than were
homosexual men. While men were more likely than women to
engage in hypermasculinity behaviors
(e.g. fisting, enemas,
etc.), this study showed that homosexual men were more

likely than heterosexual men to engage in such behaviors.
The researchers believed an important finding was that
the more extensive and intense pain experiences (skin
branding and electrocution) were associated more with
hypermasculinity, whereas spanking and caning were
associated more closely with humiliation. They hypothesized
that different genders and sexual orientations may assign
different meanings to the "intent within which pain is
administered and received"
(p. 9). The authors noted that
until further research is done, such nuances will remain

unproven.
They recommended that further investigation is
necessary to examine the ways in which individuals play

within their own contexts.
33
Content Analysis
While content analyses of S/M materials is removed
from studying behavior, it can still provide insight into
the meaning of BDSM. Two content analysis studies will be
presented that shed some light on meaning.
Houlberg (1991) emphasized that the social subcultures
of S/M needed to be studied. Houlberg examined the monthly
magazine of a West Coast sadomasochism club as a means of
understanding the subculture represented within the Club.
While the sexual orientation or any other demographic
information on the clubs members was not detailed, it was
mentioned that the composition changed from primarily gay
males, in the 1970s and 1980s, to a majority of
heterosexual men, women, and couples. This publication was
used for a number of reasons including recording its
history, sharing stories, poems, etc. reflecting the S/M
interests of the club's members, reporting on the club's
major conflicts, and keeping in touch with the longerdistance members.
Utilizing a descriptive content analysis by items,
Houlberg (1991) examined forty-seven issues of the magazine
published by the Club. He then reported the results of the
34
content analysis under the following seven subject content

areas: The content analysis yielded the following results:
1.
Media reviews accounted for 2% of the Magazine's space

and looked at S/M story lines on popular shows like
Hill Street Blues and the Oprah Winfrey Show.
2.
Poetry accounted for 5% of the Magazine's space and

the poems tended to concentrate on the feelings (both
physical and emotional) expressed by tops or bottoms
with regard to a scene.
3.
S/M issues accounted for 10% of the Magazine's space

and focused on long-term S/M relationships, different
levels of dominance, masochistic survival, and
definitions of S/M terms, like torture.
4.
How-to information took up about 12% of the Magazine's

space and included articles that gave specific
directions for engaging in S/M behaviors, like fur
braiding, and how to write a Slavery Contract.
5.
Photography accounted for 14% of the Magazine's space

a n d was p r i m a r i l y d e v o t e d to erotic images of members
and at local and national events.

6.
Stories accounted for 17% of the Magazine's space and

included fantasy stories that tended to fall into
35
those with vanilla titles and those with more explicit

titles.
7.
Organization was the largest content category,

accounting for 40% of the Magazine's space and
included monthly statements from the Club's treasurer,
a column from the editor, membership reports and
expense reports.
In discussing his findings, Houlberg concluded:
"In
addition to being the only repository of the Club's history

and the importance of the magazine to individual members,
publication may serve to help create 'shared meaning' for
Club members"
(p. 180). The editor of the magazine
explained this concept of 'shared meaning': "We share

experiences which few people in the world understand, and
develop new vocabulary and concepts. Shared, our
experiences become a legacy for every newcomer"
(p.180). It
is interesting to note that throughout the Magazine there

was always a strong emphasis on the protection of the
members' identities.
In summary, Houlberg concluded that his research was
"descriptive in nature, focusing on activities of a
sadomasochism Club as detailed in the Club's magazine,
36
however, the major weakness of this investigation is the

lack of actor viewpoint data"
(p. 182).
In a second study utilizing content analysis,

Baumeister (1988) looked at gender differences in
masochistic scripts. Baumeister reviewed self-reported
masochistic experiences by ordering and then reviewing 36
issues of a back ordered sex oriented publication.
Participant's submissions were included in the study if
they coded on one of the following series of dimensions:
"indications of pain, bondage, and/ or humiliation as
intentional, thematic elements"
(p. 482). While Baumeister
initial assumption that there are females as well as males

who engage in masochistic behaviors proved true, there were
differences between the groups. For example, he found that
woman's scripts (desires) a higher frequency of pain,
viewing pain as punishment within a primary relationship,
in humiliation that involved exhibitionist displays, in
partner intercourse, and in the presence of voyeurs.
Although content analysis does not provide the
researcher the opportunity to directly engage with the
participants it has still offered useful data about the
various areas, topics, fantasies and desires of individuals
that identify with the BDSM scene.
37
Ethnographic Research
Ethnographic research allows the researcher to
submerge him or herself in the field of study so that
firsthand observations and personal interviews can be
conducted in order to obtain a more in-depth understanding.
A major challenge is gaining entree into the BDSM world.
Thus, there are few ethnographic studies.
In a review of the sociological and social psychology
literature, T.S. Weinberg (1994) cited Brodsky's
(1993)
retrospective ethnography of the Mineshaft, a gay leather

bar which existed in New York until it closed in 1985.
Brodsky's work set out to answer the question,
"what did
going to the Mineshaft do for those who went there?"

(p.266). What he found was very interesting: "that it
served to organize risk reduction, providing a safe place
in which S&M experimentation could occur in the presence of
experienced S&M practitioners...and it was a setting that
facilitated socialization into the leathersex subculture"
(p. 266). While all of the men of the Mineshaft engaged in
his own individual scene play which had specific meanings
to each, it also served to as a place to "hook up all these
performances with a common set of facilities, rules,
symbols, and emotion"
(p. 2 66). Since this was a
38
retrospective study of a club no longer in existence, more

details about how this was accomplished were not given.
To conclude this chapter, it is important to note that
in order to further the body of literature on BDSM we first
need to decide how to define it (M.S. Weinberg et a l .,
1984; Breslow 1989; T.S. Weinberg, 1994; Sandnabba et a l .,
2002). However, despite the differences in definitions of
BDSM, there are some common meanings. According to T.S.
Weinberg (1994) these include "It is erotic, consensual,
and recreational or play-like behavior.... It involves
fantasy...[and] needs to be mutually defined as both sexual
and S&M"
(p. 269).
In order to get the depth and richness of data that we

need to further increase our knowledge of BDSM we need to
understand the experiences of those individuals that live
in the scene rather than inflict our own preconceived
notions on this phenomenon (M.S. Weinberg et a l ., 1984;
T.S. Weinberg, 1994). Since there is no previous research
regarding the experience and meaning of BDSM sex play for
lesbians, it is critical to study this phenomenon from the
participants' perspectives.
39
CHAPTER 3
Methodology
The existing body of BDSM literature tends to consist
primarily of pathological views of BDSM, the cultural and
community perspective, and research into the specific sex
behaviors individuals engage in during scene play. In
contrast, this phenomenological study sets out to examine
BDSM from the subjective experiences of the participants
who engage in public BDSM.
This chapter begins by discussing the rationale for
selecting a qualitative research approach, and in
particular phenomenology.
The selection of the
participants is presented next followed by a description of

the data collection process. Finally, the data analysis
procedure is explained.
Rationale for Qualitative Study
Unlike previous research and in an attempt to advance
the current body of literature on BDSM, I was interested in
capturing participants' subjective experiences of BDSM in
the setting in which the phenomenon occurs. Through the
collection and analysis of qualitative data, it was my
intention to capture a glimpse into the lived experiences
of lesbians/queer women in the scene. By its very nature,
40
qualitative research allows for and supports the kind of

approach "in which [the] researcher interacts with study
participants in their own natural settings"
(Gall, et a l .,
p. 547) . It was my intent through qualitative methods to

accurately portray the individual experiences of each
participant in this study, free from preconceived notions
and misinformed theories.
Phenomenology
Phenomenology is the study of a particular phenomenon
through the eyes of those who live it. It is important to
capture the richness and the thickness of individual
stories in order to gain insight into the essence of a
particular phenomenon.
Because often, phenomena are not
widely written about in research texts, it is important to

go directly to the source for accurate and full
descriptions and information.
One of the key components of
phenomenology is to "identify central themes... using a

selective reading approach, in which [the text is read]
several times and...statements/phrases that were
particularly essential or revealing about the experience
being described [are identified]"
(Creswell, 1998) . The
reporting out of phenomenological data consists, in part,

of organizing specific quotes from in-depth interviews and
41
listing them under a heading of "meanings" in order to

accurately and non-repetitively discuss the integral themes
within the phenomenon. Such a process treats each statement
as having equal worth in terms of describing the lived
experiences of those within the phenomenon (Creswell, 1998;
Moustakas,
1994).
Participants and Setting
The participants in this study consisted of six

lesbians/queer women from large urban cities on the east
coast near the researcher's home. Convenience sampling was
used to recruit participants for this study since it is
often difficult to find people who participate in BDSM
activities for inclusion in research studies (Weinberg,
1994) . According to Gall et a l . (1996) , the use of
convenience sampling is a method employed by researchers
whereby the participants are "available and easy to study"
(p. 235). It was vital that each participant selected had
"experienced the phenomenon being studied and share[ed] the
researcher's interest in understanding its nature and
meanings"
(p. 601).
Since the purpose of this study was to gain an indepth understanding of the meaning of the phenomenon,
it
was only necessary to secure a small number of detailed,
42
comprehensive descriptions of lived experiences. All six

participants were selected through a key informant who also
scheduled the interview times and locations. As soon as all
six participants were selected, I began conducting the
interviews. None of the participants who were asked to be a
part of this study declined, in fact, all six women we
eager to be interviewed and share their experiences of
being in the scene. Interviews with the participants who
volunteered to cooperate in this study were conducted
either in their own homes, in the home of a mutual friend,
or at the home of the researcher. The locations were agreed
upon and convenient for all parties involved.
Data Collection: The Interview Process
For the purposes of this study, one interview was
conducted with each participant.
The interview was a
loosely structured dialogue that set out to answer the

interview questions posed and, more importantly, fully
capture the meaning of all aspects of each participant's
public BDSM experiences.
I started each interview with a brief explanation of
the study and then asked the participant to read and sign
the consent form that was approved by the institutional
review board at Widener University. Following the agreement
43
for consent, I asked each participant to read and complete

the demographic questionnaire, which included: age,
education level, occupation, religious preference,
race/ethnicity, socioeconomic status, number of years
involved in the scene, participant self-identity (top,
bottom, dominatrix, mistress, sadist, masochist, slave,
switch, etc.), sexual orientation (lesbian, queer, etc.).
Additionally, participants were asked if they had a primary
partner and, if yes, do they also play privately? If yes,
whom does the couple include in private play?
The
participant was also asked if she was in an exclusive

partnership/relationship or polyamorus. Some of the
participants expressed feeling limited by the pre-selected
categories on the demographic questionnaire so I instructed
them to write-in whatever response(s) that they felt would
be more accurate to them.
Once the preliminary information was collected, I
began the interview by asking each participant the first
interview question. With her permission, I tape recorded
the response for the sole purpose of transcription and data
analysis. I listened to the responses and when appropriate,
I asked clarifying questions. If the participant left out
some key information in her original answer, I would ask
44
the pre-scripted probing questions to further enhance the

interview. I proceeded through all three major interview
questions and concluded the interview by asking the
participant if there was anything else she felt was
significant that she wanted to add before we ended the
interview. Once the interview was completed, I thanked the
participant for volunteering to do the interview and turned
off the tape recorder.
Throughout the six interviews, participants appeared
comfortable, relaxed and open as they answered the
interview questions as asked. In addition, the participants
gave thought to their responses and took the time to
consider additional information that they wanted to share
before moving on to the next question.
Data Analysis
I analyzed these data by first having all six
interviews transcribed. These data were then analyzed using
the process recommended by Moustakas (1994). First, I went
through each interview word-by-word and wrote out, using
post-it notes, all of the expressions relevant to the
experience. This is referred to as horizontalization. These
expressions were then clustered into invariant themes.
Individual textural descriptions, using verbatim examples
45
from the transcribed interviews, were found for each theme.

As the researcher, I then added structural descriptions of
the phenomenon to the text. Finally, the essence of the
phenomenon was described.
The data reporting for each participant begins with a
description of demographic information and the story that
she told of how she initially got involved in public BDSM
play. Next, the themes that emerged from the responses to
the interview questions are shared.
This research was about discovering the meaning of a
particular phenomenon from the data collected as opposed to
testing an existing theory. Therefore, the data were
analyzed utilizing the procedures of case study analysis. I
looked for meaning and themes, which were compared across
cases and finally synthesized (Gall, et a l ., 1996).
Also, it is important to note that all participant
information was kept confidential and stored in a locked
file cabinet in my office. In a further attempt to protect
participant confidentiality, following the completion of
this research all participant information was destroyed.
Reliability and Validity
Case study researchers have differing views on how to
ensure reliability and validity of case study data (Gall et
46
a l ., 1996) . As a result, it is difficult to make sure that

the reliability and validity of the qualitative study is
sufficient. To ensure the reliability and validity of these
results, the interviews of the participants were audio
taped. To guarantee accuracy, the audio tapes were then
transcribed immediately following the interviews and the
interviews were read several times in order to identify
participant themes for each of the interview questions. The
themes were also cross-checked by another researcher who
read all of the transcripts. Participant themes were
derived directly from the participant responses to the
interview questions. The participants appeared to take the
interviews seriously and answered the interview questions
appropriately, thus aiding in establishing reliability and
validity of this study (Gall et a l ., 1996).
47
CHAPTER 4
Lesbian Women and Their Journeys into Public BDSM Sex Play
BDSM sex play. This chapter serves as the backdrop for
understanding this phenomenon. It begins with discussing
the backgrounds of the six women (whose names have been
changed for purposes of confidentiality) who participated
in this study. The chapter then moves into presenting the
journey each woman took into the public BDSM scene. Next,
the phenomenon of being a "newbie" and being enculterated
into the scene is discussed. The chapter concludes with a
summary of the common themes that were presented in the
women's lived experiences of this journey and the essence
of being a "newbie."
Abby's Story
Abby is a 26-year-old, white female. Her religious
preference is Jewish. She earned a Bachelor's degree and
works full-time as an Administrative Assistant at an
educational publishing company. She identifies her
socioeconomic status as "middle-middle class". She has been
in the BDSM scene for six and one-half years and selfidentifies as a "top". She identifies her sexual
48
orientation as "homosexual" and is in a monogamous

partnership in which she plays privately with her partner
as well as publicly.
Sarah's Story
Sarah is a 28-year-old, white female. She has no
religious preference, has earned a Master's degree and is
currently employed full-time as an educator. She identifies
her socioeconomic status as "upper middle class". She has
been in the scene for two years and self-identifies as a
"bottom/ switch". Her sexual orientation is "queer". She
does not have a primary partner at this time; however, she
plays privately as well as publicly. She is polyamorous and
needs emotional connections along with sex play.
Hannah's Story
Hannah is a 41-year-old white female. She has no
religious preference, has earned a Master's degree and
currently works in health care. She reports that her
socioeconomic status is "middle class". She has been in the
scene for fourteen years and identifies as a "switch". Her
sexual orientation is "dyke". She has multiple partners
with whom she plays privately as well as publicly. She is
not in a primary relationship and identifies as
49
polyamorous, believing that BDSM is all about finding new

ways to connect.
Lisa's Story
Lisa is a 46-year-old white female.
She identifies
her religious preference as "agnostic" and her ethnicity as

"Jewish". She earned a Master's degree and works full-time
in health care. Her socioeconomic status is "upper middle
class". She has been in the scene for twenty-five years and
identifies as a "bottom/ masochist". "Queer" is how she
identifies her sexual orientation. She has a primary
partner and they do not play privately. She is polyamorous.
Kate's Story
Kate is a 36-year-old white female.
She has no
religious preference; she earned a Bachelor's degree and

works full-time as a registered nurse. She identifies her
socioeconomic status as "middle-middle class". She has been
in the BDSM scene for five years and identifies as a
"bottom/ switch". Her sexual orientation is "lesbian". She
is not in a primary relationship. She identifies as
polyamorous and does not necessarily need an emotional
connection with the person with.whom she plays.
50
Danielle's Story
Danielle is a 35-year-old white female.
Her religious
preference is "Buddhist and Jewish". She earned a Master's

degree and works full-time in Internet retail sales. She
identifies her socioeconomic status as "upper middle
class". She has been in the scene for five years and
identifies as a "switch, bottom, mistress, girl and
masochist". Her sexual orientation is "queer dyke". She has
a primary partner with whom she plays privately as well as
publicly. She is polyamorous and feels emotional
connections are nice but she does not have to have them in
order to play with someone.
The Journey into BDSM Play
All of the women showed interest in BDSM in some way
previous to becoming involved (e.g. fantasies, reading
books, playing childhood games). Some of the women took
more initiative in pursuing this interest, while others
were more reactive to opportunities. For some of the women,
their interest was evident for a long time, even in
childhood. At first, some of the women expressed concerns
over these feelings (e.g. was something wrong with them).
But none seemed to be bothered enough by their concerns to
keep them from pursuing their interest. It seems that it
51
took the older women longer to pursue their interests,

perhaps due to lack of opportunities. Whereas, for the
younger women, there were more accessible opportunities
(e.g. the Internet, clubs, etc.) for them to get involved
in the scene. All of the women finally took steps to become
actively involved in the BDSM scene with the encouragement
of someone they knew (e.g. friend, relative, sexual
partner). The texts of how some of the women's interest in
BDSM play was awakened are shared below. We'll begin with
the stories of the older women.
Lisa, the oldest of the participants
(46), tells about
her journey into public BDSM that began at seven years old:
Actually I have known that I had been a bottom since I
was seven years old. So, when all the kids were
playing doctor or house, my downstairs neighbor and I
were playing Man from Uncle, which is a spy show. Both
of us must have been bottoms because both of us always
wanted to be the foreign spy. So the other one would
play, like, Napoleon Solo, who would capture the
foreign spy and then we would take turns tying each
other up, slapping each other across the face and
feeling each other's tits (what we had of them at the
time.) So we were doing interrogation scenes at the
52
age of 7. [laughter] And so I always kind of had these

sort of kidnapping interrogation kind of scenes. I
always had these fantasies, even before I knew about
sex, so the S/M stuff was always kind of there even
before the sexual stuff was there.
(Lisa, lines 2-12).
Lisa's experiences with BDSM continued as a teenager,

although she tried to "subdue" these feelings:
And when I was, I think about 15...a friend of mine
and I, he was gay, went out to a club one night. I met
this guy who...wanted to take me home. I mean, this
was back in the 70's when people did that. And what
happened was my friends kept saying,
go with him" and I was like,
"no..."
"oh go with him,

I'm like a little
afraid, but I really want to. You know, that kind of

thing. And then so I ended up, I went home with him.
And while we were having sex, he held my hands down
and he was like pulling my hair and slapping me in the
face and I was really enjoying it. The next day I went
home and I was thinking about this and like, oh my
god, what does this mean? Who can I talk to and I
can't talk to anybody about this. I really subdued it
for a long time. I would find myself at his doorstep
53
every couple of months, knocking on his door. That

went on for a couple of years and I guess I lost touch
with him.
(Lisa, lines 12-22)
Hannah (age 41) was also interested in BDSM for many

years before taking action through the encouragement of her
oldest best friend. She describes her journey into public
BDSM in this way:
I was interested and thinking about it for many years
before I ever did anything more substantial than buy a
book...so really the beginning of the beginning
mentally was really many years before I stepped out.
But, I mark 1991 as the year I started actually
looking for education and parties and connections in
the public scene. I was in San Francisco at that time
and I believe I had both internal and external
encouragements in that process....1 went through my
Saturn return and so that was the internal part and I
just sort of felt like it was time to actually do
things that were interesting to me but scary. Then
also my oldest friend moved to San Francisco. We were
hanging out a lot and she moved in with some roommates
from the college she went to who were very pervy. We
54
were all hanging out together and I thought, well,

this would be a nice way to - this is nicer than just
going to Outcast meetings where information - highquality information is being dispersed and there is a
social aspect also.
(Hannah, lines 2-13)
Sarah, who is younger (28), was introduced into the

scene by her sister and described her journey into public
BDSM play this way:
My sister actually is really involved in the scene as
well. She was living in Seattle a couple of years ago
and she was telling me about some of the sex parties
that she was going to. I just [laughter] was totally
astounded, but it totally turns me on. At the time I
was in a monogamous relationship, very vanilla, living
in Mexico. My partner was Mexican. Even talking about
strap-on sex with her was a huge no-no, a lot of shame
involved. I just knew that
[laughter] I needed to be
able to experience other activities. That's definitely

one of the reasons that I broke up with her. And when
I moved back to the States, I made it a priority that
this was something I was gonna explore.
(Sarah, lines
2 - 10)
55
Abby's journey into public BDSM play began when she

took the initiative to become involved in a chat room
online. As the youngest of the participants (26 years old),
she benefited from the greater opportunities to connect
provided by the Internet:
I was like a junior in college. I found a chat room
online that had pretty much like a regular crowd. This
was like before a ton of people were online so it was
like a little bit more civil. It was a regular room
that we all hung out in that was like a local room.
(Abby, lines 2 8-31)
It was through this on-line chat room that Abby met someone
who was "well connected" who could introduce her into the
scene.
I met someone there and we talked privately and stuff. We
weren't really interested in each other because we
weren't really compatible, but he was really wellconnected. ..1 knew him as the person who sent out that
[e-mail] list
[for local munches] who, to me, was pretty
important. And so, we met in person....He brought me to

my first party.
(Abby, lines 31-42)
56
First Experiences: The "Newbie" Phenomenon

Hannah describes that the "enculturation" process for
"newbies" involves introduction into the scene by people
that you know. This helps to soothe your anxiety and
creates a more comfortable environment of a "social
network." She says:
It is intimidating to walk into a room full of
strangers. And so I sort of buddied up to the two of
them [friends that she came with]....They just
introduced me to their friends privately. I got
exposed to their personal, social network. It's all
about the friends of friends of friends...I did go to
meetings and go to events with them and with their
friends and that was certainly in terms of social,
what's the right word? Enculturation? I got to see
what was going on in the scene by being in it with
some company along. But more than that, for actual
play contact, actual experience, it was all about
friends and friends of friends and it still is.
As a "newbie", one is allowed to watch and learn
without being pressured to participate. Lisa describes her
57
"newbie" experience as just watching, while overcoming her

initial anxiety:
A friend of mine took me to Hellfire one night when I
was about 19 or 20. This was an S&M club and was a
really wild place. We walked in and there was this big
muscle guy lying on the
ground and there were three
women standing over him, like, peeing all over

walked into this place and I went,
him. I
"Oh my god." I sat
at the bar and held on to the bar for dear life the
whole evening. I mean he [my friend] was out in the
back with some guys doing whatever and I just stayed
at the bar. The next week I went back by myself.
(Lisa, lines 23-28)
Danielle was really "gung-ho" to get into the scene,
but she also went through an enculturation process with the
help of her partner and friends:
I was working at XXXXX,
which is agreat place to get
involved with stuff and one of the things that
was
going on was this monthly party. It was called Throb

and all the girls from XXXXX would go. I just wanted
to go and get into it and break out into my new life.
It was a really great opportunity to jump right in...
I just decided that I wasn't gonna be nervous or
58
afraid to do the things that I wanted to do anymore.

So I really was very gung-ho in terms of wanting to
explore things that I hadn't...just my fantasies and
thoughts would often kind of drift towards kinky
things...1 met this lovely woman who is in the scene
and we started dating and it was great. So I had an
escort to these parties, which I would have gone to,
y'know, gotten up my courage and gone by myself, but I
didn't have to. So [laughter] it was a lot easier to
have somebody be your date for a party...so I started
going to these parties with this woman that I was
dating. She and I started playing...I guess I was
identifying as a bottom at that time. I just didn't
know anything; really.... These parties were crazy.
Women were doing all sorts of really amazing, sexy
unusual things with each other that I had never seen
before. My girlfriend, my ex and I had been to one
play party once where we kept all of our clothes on
and stood in the corner and sort of jerked each other
off while we were watching people and that was pretty
exciting...and then ran away. It was hot!
[laughter].
And then ran away and never connected, but we were all
59
like, "Oh my god! I can't believe we did that!"

(Danielle, lines 5-44)
Kate expresses the insecurities that she felt in going
to her first party:
I had always really been interested but I happened to
be with somebody [a sexual partner] who was willing to
go to play parties. The first one I went to was one of
the ones that were like pansexual. But it's
essentially kind of...more like a club event actually
because there's alcohol served so people can leave
their clothes on. It's really just about beating and
getting beaten. There's not a lot of sex. In fact, I
think that there can't be any. There's like
requirements like you can't touch genitals, underwear
still has to be on. So we went to one of those in some
fancy place, one of those real big ones and I was
willing to go with them. Well, it was with a woman and
her kind of primary partner, because I felt safe,
going with them. That was the first one I went to....1
don't know if I was nervous. I think it was so chaotic
trying to, it was like strict fetish dress code...1
actually didn't have any so we're like making the
dollar store fetish wear kind of thing and I wore like
60
black jeans and just a "wife-beater" t-shirt that they

like cut holes in. Then I made this harness made from
yellow clothesline [laughter]. And we were like trying
to get in thinking, are they gonna stop us with the
dress code? Now I know, just don't show up in your
brown leisure suit and they'll let you in. So I was
nervous about that.
(Kate, lines 2-25)
As a newbie, Kate used an interesting strategy (wearing the

collar of a friend) so others would leave her alone until
she felt more comfortable on her own:
I mean, I was a little bit, felt a little bit funny
about the presence of guys there; although most of the
guys were submissive. So they really would just leave
you the hell alone. Like, the most they could be was
annoying. But then also I wore like the collar of one
of the women that I went with and so nobody really
bugged me or approached me. Y'know, it was nice. I
felt like really safe. And we did do some play - there
was like a women's room.
(Kate, lines 25-31)
At first Kate was disappointed by the lack of sexual

excitement until a clandestine experience happened:
61
She was just kind of beating my ass and it wasn't

doing much 'cause I knew it wasn't gonna end in any
sex. But then, they like tied me to a cross and that
was kind of interesting. I don't know if it was
actually titillating, but I thought it was
sociologically fascinating. Then she took me to the
bathroom and she had a dildo. And you couldn't do this
in public but she put the dildo up my cunt and she was
like, "Ok you have to keep this in for the rest of the
evening." And then it really heightened the feeling,
like feeling like it was sexual 'cause it was. Before
that, I was just like, this is just a strange party,
y'know?
Because of the drinking and the smoking and
then there was like dancing...so it didn't feel really

sexual until that but after that it felt pretty
sexual.
[laughter] (Kate, lines 32-42).
Although Sarah was extremely nervous to go to her

first party, she ended up learning a lot from the
"smorgasbord" of BDSM activities that she observed, some of
which she chose to partake in:
Well, in the beginning I was extremely nervous. Just
because I didn't have any concept yet of what it was
exactly that I wanted. I just knew that I wanted
62
experience. I was pretty sure I was a bottom and I was

pretty sure that I wasn't a masochist....One of the
best experiences that I had kind of in the initial
phase was going to a submit party in New York. They
had a smorgasbord night so I could watch all these
different kinds of activities taking place. You could
experience them. There were experienced tops who were
gonna kinda be working you over and there was kind of
no shame. It was just like, we know that you're
newbies here. It's ok. Just try out whatever you
want....XXXX, who's pretty well-known in the scene in
New York gave me a fabulous flogging [laughter] and I
was like, "Oh, I've got language for that. I like
thuddy, not stingy." And then, I played with this
really cute transguy, who gave me a fabulous paddling
and I was, like, I liked to be paddled. Great! I know
that now.
[Laughter] And then I played with this other
woman who did a cropping and a pinwheel all over and

it was very, very sensual and I just absolutely adored
that. And I was like, "Ok, three activities I know
I'll like. Woo h o o !" [Laughter] And that was really a
relief. I got to watch other people do piercings and
fire play and more intense floggings. I think that's
63
kind of a boundary for me. For right now, I don't

think I really need to experience that.... Visually, I
ruled out the things that felt like I wasn't ready to
push myself to that boundary yet....1 definitely knew
that I had hit my limit with the paddling. Like, it
became so intense that at the end I was gonna say
"stop," but luckily it stopped. Because, y'know, you
don't wanna use your safe word either [laughter].
(Sarah, lines 32-63)
Abby notes that when she was in college, finances
affected the type of scene that she could attend:
He [my friend] was well-connected...makes a ridiculous
amount of money. So he brought me to my first party.
So I was like I really wanted to go, but it's the kind
of thing where you have to know somebody so I went as
a guest with him to my first party. We didn't play and
I didn't play at all at my first party. I just kind of
watched.... There was a public club called
Restraints...but what kept me from going to that was
that it was like $35 to get in. I was in college and I
only made like $4 0 a week on work-study, so it would
have been like a whole week's pay for something I
wasn't even sure I would like....So that would have
64
been my only opportunity to go someplace without

having to know anybody and then it shut down.
(Abby,
lines 33-58)
Abby goes on to describe a few different types of parties
that she attended before she found the scene that she was
most comfortable in (e.g. queer play parties). She explains
that there is much more social networking at these parties,
which contributes to more action:
I never really played at any hetero parties except for
once and it went pretty badly. I didn't enjoy my scene
at all. Mostly because people came in couples and the
single men who came were not appealing to me at all.
So there wasn't a lot of opportunity to play. It was
my social scene so I would go and I would watch other
people play and learn stuff and hang out in the
kitchen and talk to people. That's kind of like how I
made a lot of friends....But once [women and queer
play parties] started appearing, I haven't been to
hetero parties since because what's the point
really?...At women's parties, the people who host the
party are true hosts, whereas people who hosted hetero
parties,
it was just a title....A true host was like
someone who was an ambassador. Plays kind of like a
65
diplomat between people. Like if you think of a host

at a regular party, they would circulate and introduce
people who didn't know each other....Y'know, it kind
of helps with the networking and at women's parties
oftentimes, someone who's like a bottom would be like,
"Oh, I'm really interested in being singletailed
tonight. If you know anyone who's here that does that
and is free to do that," and then the host finds
someone.... So that yenta action means that there's a
lot more play happening at women's parties than there
ever was at hetero parties because it's really common
at hetero parties for there to be a whole wall of
wallflowers.... Women's parties were the first time I
saw a lot of much harder play that I was actually
interested in watching that wasn't like a big snooze
fest. (Abby, lines 72-140).
Common Themes
Three major common themes emerged during the telling
of these women's stories about their interest and
introduction into public BDSM sex play. One of the common
themes that came out of the journeys was that all of the
six women in this study expressed having some interest in
exploring BDSM, some since childhood or for many years
66
before actually getting involved in the scene. Each of the

women had different ways to express their interest. Some of
them had misgivings about their interest in BDSM, but when
the opportunity presented itself, they took it.
Another common theme that emerged from the lived
experiences of these six women was that they all had to
overcome a sense of nervousness prior to engaging in scene
play. However, this was alleviated through their
enculturation as newbies into the social network, which is
the final theme. The essence of being a newbie can be
captured in this way: newbies (in the queer women's scene)
are often embraced by those that have been in the scene
longer and have oftentimes created a social support network
at the parties. Newbies are not pressured or forced to
participate. They may even be "watched over" or protected.
Educational and informational opportunities are offered so
that newbies can learn proper scene etiquette and begin
learning what makes them hot and what their limits are.
67
CHAPTER 5
Experiencing the Public BDSM Scene
BDSM sex play. This chapter explores the various
experiences the women in this study shared about the scenes
they have participated in and enjoyed. The phenomenon of
public BDSM sex play is explored in three stages. The
chapter begins by exploring the preparation that takes
place before a scene, including the anticipation process
and negotiations. Next, the experiences and feelings that
are part of the phenomenon of the scene itself are
disclosed. These include some shared feelings but only some
experiences that are unique depending on the role a person
in playing in the scene. The last stage explores the
phenomenon of aftercare that occurs after the scene occurs.
Two overriding themes emerged from the collective
experiences of the women. The major theme was one of
connection and a minor theme involved the fun and sexual
satisfaction experienced. The essence of the phenomenon is
then presented. The chapter concludes with an exploration
of the overall impact BDSM has had on the women's lives.
Overwhelmingly the women felt that their public BDSM sex
68
play had positively affected their lives in two ways:

through developing their sense of empowerment and improving
their relationships. Yet, they still felt they needed to be
guarded and concerned over the misunderstanding of BDSM in
mainstream society that is shared by the people that they
know.
Preparation before a Scene
The phenomenon of public BDSM sex play starts even
before the scene begins. Before a scene, all of the women
in this study described going through a preparation
process. This process includes planning and negotiation
(either before reaching the party or at the party). The
primary feeling expressed by all six women prior to scene
play is one of nervousness or anticipation. Each of the
women describes in their own words their initial feelings.
Anticipation and Planning
When asked how she feels before a scene, Abby, a top,
states,
"I'm definitely a little bit nervous. Especially if
it's somebody new because your reputation is all you have

(Abby, lines 174-175). Similarly, Sarah describes her
anticipation of scene play in this way:
69
"In the beginning I was extremely nervous. Just because I

didn't have any concept yet of what it was I wanted. I just
knew I wanted experience"
(Sarah, lines 32-33) .
Lisa has had a lot of experience in the BDSM scene but

still gets nervous:
For me...I'm pretty much an exhibitionist so when I
play in public, I can take a lot more pain than I can
when I'm in private. Before I play, I'm always
nervous, I'm always nervous. And sometimes I'm like a
little shaky and stuff....I start out being very
conscious of my surroundings and after a while
everything around me just kind of disappears.
(Lisa,
lines 78-82)
For Hannah preparing for a scene involves focusing,
which includes getting dressed:
...there's [pause] there's a huge, there can be a very
big amping up of anticipation....If I'm pulling out
all the stops, so to speak, and starting with getting
dressed in something completely fetishy...I don't need
to do anything much else to get my headspace
ready....If I'm not in full shmoo [fetish dress], then
I do have to do something to sort of focus.
(Hannah,
lines 72-76)
70
Hannah describes more about the process of getting her

"headspace" ready:
Especially if I'm topping,
I'm mentally preparing for
it for as long before the date
as I
have. I
mean,I'm
not obsessing over it, but I'll come back to it maybe

once a day mentally and think about what we'll do and
how we'll do it and what parts are optional or if this
was this way, it could flow into that. But if not, it
could maybe go here....It's like writing your own
custom porn. It's a fun thing to think about. I do
notice that, especially topping, that the more
preparation I put in up front, the better the scene is
for both of us...My planning often seems focused on my
play partner's pleasure, but if I'm self-generating
ideas, I'm already editing
out what
I don't
wannado,
what I don't think is hot.
I'm only
drawing
from a
pool of things I think are good plain fun (Hannah,

lines 78-82, 89-92, 113-115).
Danielle also enjoys the "dressing up" part of the
preparation:
...it's fun to dress up for a date, and often times
this is where I have dates with other people, at a
play party. So it's fun kind of for me to make myself
71
attractive for another person. And for myself. And for

just random people.
[laughter]. I mean, I feel like
there's something very beautiful about the gifts that

we share with each other in these spaces and so I
really enjoy the preparation time that goes into it.
Danielle stresses how thoughtful and mindful she tries
to be in order to keep her nervousness at bay:
I like the intention behind it and the thoughtfulness
that I try to bring with it because I feel like it's
not just the same thing as going to the movies...so I
try to put some mindfulness into my preparation....1
try to be thoughtful and intentional about what I am,
about like the beginning and the end. It's the
container that you create for an event or a
situation... .'Cause otherwise, it can just be
terrifying and nerve-wracking. Am I gonna be rejected?
Danielle continues to describe her preparation
process, which includes her exciting "secret":
It's about going on a trip, a kind of emotional
trip....It's fun to walk, like to make that journey
72
from wherever you live to wherever the party is and

like, you have a secret. Y'know? And, like, all the
other people that you pass on the street, they don't
know where you're going. They don't know what you're
doing. So boy, they probably wish they did because
it's gonna be good and you look hot and they're all
just doing their regular lives. And, y'know, I mean,
they probably have their own secrets, too, that's a
whole 'nother thing. And it's fun to walk down the
street and see someone walking toward you and think,
"Are you going to the party?" And you walk into there
and it is, to me, now after so many years, its home.
This is a magical place.
(Danielle, 138-148)
Negotiation
Another aspect of preparing and planning for scene
play is negotiation, which is extremely important. Some
individuals who engage in scene play are better at
negotiating than others. Lisa is one participant who has
particular difficulty negotiating. She describes her
struggle in this way:
Oh, I am so bad at negotiating. So bad.
[laughter].
I'm really actually quite bad at it and actually the

last S&M conference I went to I took a class on how to
negotiate.
[laughter]. Because for as long as I've
been playing, I've always had a hard time doing that.

Like, I don't play using safe words. I never have
because I don't know, I just never needed them. And I
also try to play with only experienced people which I
think helps a lot.
(Lisa, lines 104; 106-110)
Sarah seems to be more at ease with negotiating or

perhaps has developed this skill out of medical necessity:
With all three of the people I'm playing with
currently, I did some basic negotiations beforehand.
I've got a condition called vulvodynia so I have to
talk to them about. Like, if it gets painful, it's a
bad painful. So, we're gonna have to spread out the
penetration between mouth and vagina and ass.
(Sarah,
lines 133-136)
Hannah talks about the difference between setting up
scene with someone she's played with before and someone
new:
[If] we know each other well and we've played before,
we don't have a lot left to negotiate about. If it's
someone new, well, that's a different process and it'
very, it can be very talky. There's lots of
74
information that should go back and forth.
(Hannah,
lines 83-86)
Danielle emphasizes that it is even important for her
to negotiate with her private partner when they play
publicly:
We'll negotiate what we're gonna do at a party. Mainly
because I don't like surprises. I like to know, not
necessarily what's expected of me. I don't need a
whole itinerary, but we both think about what it is
that we want to do. And then we jointly pick something
that we're gonna d o ....I don't wanna be waiting around
for you while you're doing something else, cause the
not knowing [what you're doing]
is when all the little
insecurities come up. I wanna know who you're playing

with. Let's figure out how to schedule.
(Danielle,
lines 224-233)
Abby explains how people can get bad reputations if
they don't abide by the negotiated plans that they made:
It's kind of like every new scene you do is like a job
interview. For a top anyway. I mean, no one wants to
play with a do-nothing bottom either. You can get a
reputation that way. And there are also what are
called "black hole bottoms" that are like a
75
phenomenon. Basically people who in the course of the

scene start asking for things that you didn't agree to
do beforehand. So you'll sit down with them and be
like,
"Ok, so you want to try flogging; you've never
tried that before? Do you have any sensitive areas?

Have you had any surgeries? Is there any place to
avoid?" You go over all the stuff and talk about what
you're gonna do and not do...so that some things will
still be a surprise and get enough information to be
able to create a mini scene in your head that is
appropriate... (Abby, lines 185-195)
The preparation that happens before the scene sets the
stage for the experiences and feelings that occur during
the scene itself.
During a Scene: What is the Experience Like?
All of the participants were asked to talk about what
it was like for them during a scene. For example, how they
felt and what kind of things they were aware of during
scene play. Various themes emerged from the descriptions
that the women gave of the phenomenon of public BDSM sex
play. It is interesting to note how the descriptions
differed between being a top or a bottom.
76
The Top's Experience: Hyperawareness and Performance

When the women are in the role of top, they describe
feeling hyperaware of everything going on and get into
performing and being an "exhibitionist." This
differentiates private from public play. For example, when
Sarah tops in public, she says:
That definitely feels like I'm taking a step outside
of myself and playing a role. I really get off on
it...Kind of giving yourself permission to be a showoff in public is fun....You really are an
exhibitionist.
(Sarah, lines 148-149; 254-255; 264)
Danielle also discusses being an exhibitionist:

I'm an exhibitionist. I'm happy if people are watching
m e . ...It took me a little while to like it and also
not feel like I was responsible for putting on a
performance.
Sometimes I am in performance mode and
that's just like high comedy and anything can happen.

But then you're not in the moment of the experience
that you're having. For me, if I'm in a performance
mode, I'm thinking about my audience and the people
around me and not necessarily going deep.
(Danielle,
lines 321-326)
77
Abby, the only primary top in this study, also

describes feeling hyperaware during a scene:
It's kind of like being on stage in a way, but
different. I'm really aware of myself. I'm very
hyperaware of what I'm doing and how I look. And I'm
aware of what I'm doing to the other person. I'm aware
of them and their body and how they're reacting to
what I'm doing. Then I'm peripherally aware of other
people....I think any top who says that they're not
showing off at all is lying 'cause otherwise why would
you do it?...When you're playing publicly part of the
point is to put on a show for the people that are
watching. So you have to make sure it's a good
show...I do things when I'm doing a public scene that
I don't do at home because it just looks better that
way...So usually I feel pretty satisfied with myself.
I have kinda have an ego thing going. I feel, like,
really in the zone. Kinda like when you're in a
meeting at work and you come up with a great idea and
everyone's like,
"That's a great idea!" So all of a
sudden all of these people are really thinking you're

great.
(Abby, lines 225-230; 240-243)
78
The top generally orchestrates the performance and

makes some decisions during the scene. Abby describes how
she handles this:
My philosophy is if I'm playing with a new person is
always, if they have 100% of capacity of what they can
take, is to only go to about 60%. You never want to go
to 100% with someone the first time.
'Cause then
they'11 get the impression that you play too hard and
you want to leave them with the really happy glow of
"that person's really great". That usually happens
around 60%. If you don't go far enough, it's boring
and if you go too far, it's too hard and then you're
too hard as a top.
(Abby, lines 256-261
The Bottom's Experience: Feeling "In the Zone"

The women who bottom describe this as a very freeing
experience, in which they can totally "let g o". This allows
them to feel "selfish" and "cherished" as the center of the
top's attention, while also feeling "safe." The overall
experience of being a bottom can be expressed as feeling
"in the zone".
Lisa discusses both the physical and emotional
experience of being a bottom as follows:
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After a while everything around me just

disappears.... I mean I like the physical sensations
and I like the endorphins it brings up and all the
sort of physical stuff surrounding that. Um, but, the
emotional stuff, I mean, what I crave is the
intensity.
(Lisa, lines 81-82; 87-89)
In Sarah's first suspension bondage scene she talks

about her experience of feeling free:
I think something that's really resonated with me is
the feeling of being; one of the things I've really
enjoyed is bondage. I really love the feeling of
someone devoting that time and energy to me. It feels
like I'm being cherished. It feels like I'm being
appreciated for being beautiful. For giving something
up but also for being extraordinarily strong. The
first time that I did a suspension bondage scene, it
just blew my mind. In that sense of being bound, of
being so-called unable to move or react, I felt so
free. I felt like I was flying. I felt like I was
absolutely expressing myself, in a kind of pinnacle of
expression and that was really surprising to me, but
that's one of the meanings that I really like about
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it. That it makes me feel strong and beautiful and

cherished.
Sarah emphasizes how good it feels to be allowed to

feel "utterly selfish":
There are times when I'm bottoming when it feels
utterly selfish [laughter] and it's really a beautiful
thing to be allowed to be utterly selfish sexually.
It's not something that I ever allowed myself to be in
previous relationships with other people. I felt like
I had to give and give and give and be there for the
partner and make sure that he or she was getting off.
But it's really nice to have this open consent. Yep,
really this can be all about you. And you getting off
and as hard as you wanna get off and as many times as
you wanna get off.
Danielle also describes submission as a "selfish"

delight: "The other thing I like about S&M is that it's
inherently selfish.... The act of submission to me is really
fulfilling and enjoyable....I also like the freedom that
comes in these places"
(Danielle, lines 272; 318-319).
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Shared Experience: Energy/Power Exchange

Ultimately, engaging in public BDSM is a shared
experience between the top and bottom. A few of the women
describe this phenomenon in terms of exchanging energy or
power. It is interesting to note, however, that this was
not a predominate theme, with not much dialogue devoted to
the concept of power (although the issue of empowerment was
a major theme in how BDSM experiences affected their
lives).
Kate describes the concept of shared power in this
way: "I think both positions have a lot of power to connect
but I also think there's lots of people who go to parties
who don't really understand"
(Kate, lines 149-151).
She goes on to explain that she has come to frame the

power dynamic in a political sense:
I was just really kind of interested in getting my
rocks off and then, I was like this has an interesting
kind of, well not social component, I guess, political
component. So that was kind of a neat little thing.
The girl I'm dating now was in a heterosexual marriage
for a long time and has always really wanted to be
tied up but her politics always really kind of
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prevented it...she so needs to be tied up in so many

ways. I can tell it's really helpful for her but it's
really hard for her. But one of the things I've tried
to explain is that actually, y'know, the power stuff
is all around us. The fact that we're playing with it
actually speaks a lot to it. So I guess I wasn't
expecting cool political and personal ramifications,
but they're there.
(Kate, lines 224-232)
Danielle refers to BDSM sharing as an "energy dance":

Totally for me there's an energy exchange. Most of the
time I'm more of a bottom, I'm yielding. I'm wanting
to give something to another person but I'm wanting to
be told what to do and follow directions and be
small...that has been one of the most freeing
experiences of my life because I just have always felt
like I have been too needy. Needing lots of
reassurance from people, I don't like doing that as an
adult. It feels annoying... But when I'm able to do
that as a girl and more of a younger posture
[through
BDSM], it feels completely natural. We have this

amazing dynamic that allows for her to give that to me
and allows me to ask for it without feeling like that
kind of neurotic adult needy person. I think it's
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changed the way that I'm an adult too.
(Danielle,
lines 179-194)
Danielle frames this exchange as taking a journey
together in which the two people can have very different
experiences:
You're taking somebody on a journey. You're not
responsible for where they go. You are responsible for
making sure they can take care of themselves and that
they're gonna come out better than they were before.
S&M play is often like a mutual path that people go
down together, but experiences on both sides can be
very, very different. But you're taking this journey
together, which is great and you're having this
exchange... you're doing it together but your
experiences are your own. And that is actually just
kinda how I want to live my life.
(Danielle, lines
351-357)
As we learn from the women's own words, the phenomenon
that occurs during the public BDSM sex play has some shared
meaning for the participants but also scene play is a
different experience depending on the role that one plays.
This is expressed by Lisa in this way:
84
I play differently with different people. I've played

Daddy/Little Girl scenes and Submissive Slut
scenes...the kind of scene I'm playing with that
really dictates how I',m feeling up here in my
head...it's forever expanding of my desires and what I
want to do and that's really great for someone who's
46 going on 47 [laughter]. (Lisa, lines 119-131)
As Hannah describes: "Actually playing brings up
literally every feeling I can imagine. Every feeling in the
book depending on what we're doing and who's participating"
(Hannah, lines 125-127).
After a Scene: Aftercare

The BDSM experience continues even after the scene,
itself, is over. This continuing phenomenon is referred to
as aftercare. The major theme emerging in aftercare is the
feeling of catharsis and healing. Part of this is being
cherished and protected. Lisa describes the concept of
aftercare, a very important aspect of scene play that
involves caretaking
(e.g. holding, caressing, reassuring)
for the bottom, in this way:

I get sort of saturated and then afterwards I just
need like a lot of aftercare.
I do need a lot of
85
aftercare. For me it's always like foreplay because I

always want sex afterwards....It's just like an
extension of foreplay.
(Lisa, lines 91-93; 96)
Catharsis and Healing

A main theme emerging from the aftercare stage is one
of catharsis and healing. Hannah brought up the issue of
"catharsis" as a very common thing. She describes how that
feeling can emerge after a scene:
It's very, very clear and I've heard this a dozen
times and I've done it. You have a stored up bunch of
rotten feelings, a break-up, a death you, got fired,
who knows what and you need catharsis. This is a way
to get there and it's reliable, it's more
reliable... than going to therapy or talking to
friends, or whatever and they're going around and
around and around and they're not getting there
[catharsis]....1 know plenty of vanilla people who
need to go on some binge or bender to get there.
(Hannah, lines 15 7-160)
Danielle compares her experience after a scene to "an
amazing emotional enema"
(line 339). For her it is like:
...when you process a scene or when you talk about it

afterwards, yeah, you just can talk about how you
86
related with someone else in a way that feels really

caring and thoughtful. Yet you can be honest - as
honest as you need to be, y'know, and not worry about
hurting someone's feelings.
Sarah describes how much of an emotional release

occurs for her during aftercare: "Recently I've really
started crying, crying, crying and it really freaked me
out. At the same time, it was like a relief. It was a good
cry and that released, felt cleansing and also safe and
protected..." (Sarah, lines 96-98).
Overarching Themes in the Public BSDM Phenomenon
Two overarching themes emerged from the interviewees'
public BSDM experiences that spanned all three stages of
the phenomenon: before the scene, during the scene, and
aftercare. The major theme that resonated for all of the
women was a sense of connection provided by their
involvement in public BDSM. A minor theme was expressed as
the sense of fun and sexual satisfaction that they gain
from public BDSM. Not often coupled with BDSM play, these
themes may be unique to lesbians and/or women's experience.
As such, they are important findings.
87
Connection
The theme of connection was reflected in more dialogue
provided by the women than any other concept. This
connection was two-fold: with one's play partner and with
the community overall.
Danielle describes how the BDSM community makes it
easier to connect:
I think one of the things that I love the most about
it [BDSM] was just how direct the kink world is.
Whatever you want is fine and there will be somebody
that you connect with on some level that will, y'know,
it's like one of those matching games where you're
like, what are the things that go together? And then,
it's just so simple that it's not about the way the
dating world is....Much less game playing, much less to
put forth an image that you think somebody else will
find attractive. You're like,
"Hey, I like spanking
and you like to spank people. OK, let's!" Really that

works. You take it from there, which feels much more
honest. I'm much more able to be myself than in a
dating situation where I get very unsure 'cause I'm
not having these cues. I don't know the rules of the
88
game....[In BDSM] we could meet in this basement in

this moment and do this kind of play and we were both
getting what we wanted and it was really enjoyable.
(Danielle, lines 65-76; 93-94)
Danielle goes on to describe the strong sense of
community she feels:
So you walk into this space and it's home. And it's
home for a lot of reasons because I've been naked and
been doing all sorts of things in front of all these
people for years now. We know each other intimately.
There are people who I only see at these parties and
yet I feel like we have this special relationship that
I don't have with other friends of mine that I've
known for ten years. And, also because they are people
who are like me. We share the same values and we share
the same experience of the world... where you can have
this unspoken collective experience that can be really
powerful... That's my spot. It's like our clubhouse.
T his
is m y social club.
(Danielle,
lines
151-165)
Additionally, Hannah describes her experience of being

able to add scene play to her friendships and how that has
broadened the spectrum of those friendships and added an
89
element of intimate connection. Throughout her interview,

she stressed over and over again that she framed her BDSM
sex play as a way to "connect with people":
It's [BDSM play] a way of finding ways to connect with
people. With parts of themselves that maybe they don't
bring to the table in every day life, when you're
going to dinner and a movie for instance. It offers
sort of a different basis for, or a different facet or
aspect of relationships. So I have friends who I've
known for a year or two before we've ever played, but
once we add that
[BDSM sex play], it brings another
dimension to our friendship. These are people with

whom, who I love, but, and not at all romantic
with...not necessarily about dating per se or romance,
but it brings extra dimensions immediately if that
gets folded in.
I often think of it as an adventure
we're having together. Like other people would hike a

mountain together and have the experience of the day.
(Hannah, lines 128-130; 194-200)
In addition, Hannah explains that her involvement in
public BDSM has made dating a lot easier for her:
90
So I'll go to a party with a friend with the vague

idea that we'll do something fun together. We might
end up talking to ten new people and hook up several
different ways. People like to see play. It's nicer to
approach someone if you've actually seen them playing
with someone and you get a sense of where they're at.
[Otherwise] it's just another layer of dating hooha....It's like,
"Well, I think you're cute. I don't
know if you're a top or a bottom or if you primarily

do D / s . I don't know if you're a bondage queen or a
huge sadist". There's a lot of information that you
need to get from people before you know if you're
gonna be able to have a play compatibility. So if you
see them doing their thing, that's a nice chunk of
information to take away.
Further, Hannah believes that BDSM is a way for her to

express love to someone:
There's lots of people who think you can't possibly be
in a lov i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p or a loving context w i t h
anyone if one of you is beating the other and I know

you can. I know. Y'know the last time I beat someone
into the floor until they collapsed in a pile of
91
tears, I was very clear from beginning to end that it

was all about love.
(Hannah, lines 234-237).
Fun and Sexual Satisfaction

A minor theme that emerged from all stages of public
BDSM sex play for lesbians was a sense of fun and sexual
satisfaction. Sarah's discussion of very satisfying sexual
experiences that she was having lends insight into the fun
aspect of BDSM play:
I was lucky to find a very hot top in New York and she
and I have been playing over probably the last 8
months. What I've really liked about this is that
[laughter] is that sexually, it's just so fucking
good. She can just get me to a place where I'm having
orgasms that are just above and beyond any kind of
sexual experiences I was having before that.
(Sarah,
lines 84-87)
To further highlight the theme of fun, Hannah talks
about her experiences of scene play this way:
I often think of it as literally plain old, good plain
fun. It seems like a vigorous healthy-vitalityinducing thing to do with your time. I can't imagine a
92
game of tennis enriching my life more than a scene

[laughter].
Abby thinks of BDSM sex play as 'cool': "Kind of like when

you're a little kid and you want to help make the brownies,
y'know? You're part of something that's really cool"
(Abby,
lines 309-310).
The Essence of Public BDSM Sex Play

Regardless of how the women in the study selfidentify, the feelings that surface during preparation for
scene play is nervousness or anticipation. Feelings of
nervousness are experienced differently for the top in the
study, whose feelings stemmed more from ensuring that her
reputation stayed intact; whereas, the other women, who
primarily identify as bottoms, focused more on getting in
the right "headspace" or mindset to engage in scene play.
In addition to the feelings that surfaced prior to scene
play, negotiation was also identified as an important
aspect of preparing for a scene. It is important to talk
about likes and dislikes as well as the bottom's
limitations, especially when playing for the first time
with that bottom. Negotiation is also key for primary
partners who play with others in the public BDSM scene to
93
ensure that feelings aren't hurt, expectations are clearlycommunicated and that both partners get their needs met.
The experience of scene play varies greatly amongst
tops and bottoms.
Tops tend to experience a sense of
"hyper-awareness" wherein they are aware of the space,

their audience and the performance they've orchestrated.
Tops tend to keep their wits about them from start to
finish; whereas, bottoms are freer to let go and get "in
the zone."
Bottoms also find themselves feeling safe,
cherished and taken care of during a scene.
Although the
top and bottom experiences differ, both play partners

generally experience the power exchange between the top and
the bottom as well as a sense of shared energy and of
taking a journey together.
After the scene and during after-care, the
overwhelming feeling is that of catharsis and healing.
The
experience was described by one woman as an "amazing

emotional enema". There is also a two-fold feeling of
connection after a scene: not only do partners feel
connected with one another, but there is a larger
connection with the entire community.
After a scene, there
94
is a sense of sexual satisfaction and of vigorous,

vitality-inducing "good old plain fun."
BDSM's Impact on the Women's Lives
Each woman was asked what kind of impact, either
positive or negative; their involvement in public BSDM sex
play has had on their overall lives. Three major themes
emerged from their responses: self-empowerment, improved
relationships, and concern over others' misunderstandings
of this phenomenon.
Self-Empowe rment
The women experienced empowerment in three major ways,
including building their confidence and self-esteem,
developing their identity, and helping them to heal.
Building Confidence and Self-Esteem

Many of the women discussed the fact that their
experiences in BDSM helped them to build confidence.
Abby
explains that "the confidence doesn't come from

nowhere....People kind of give that to you....There's like
a lot of community reinforcement"
(Abby, lines 337-338).
Experiences like that served to build Abby's ego, which

carries over into her day-to-day life. She also discusses
95
the effect that being in the scene has had on her self
esteem :
From going from being a teenager and adolescent with
pretty low self-esteem and whatever and looking for
approval, I've kind of learned... that it's ok for me
to pick and choose what I want to do.
I don't have to
please everybody....My happiness and my satisfaction

is worth something.
(Abby, lines 406-410)
She actually has seen changes in herself:

Now I actually have the strength to turn down offers
whereas... before I would like just do it [some type of
BDSM activity] because I was asked. But now I actually
think, Am I gonna have fun doing that? Is that gonna
be a hot scene for me? Is that what I want to spend my
energy on tonight? I really pick and choose
carefully.... It's like, Yeah, I am good at that, but I
don't really feel like doing it right now. I am great
at algebra but I don't really feel like solving your
problem.
Sarah has "learned that [she's] pretty fucking

gutsy...and it's so nice to know how brave you are"
231; 235). She also acknowledged,
(lines
"I think...I'm a bit of a
96
show-off and that's fun; I can get off on that... giving

yourself permission to be a show-off in public is fun
(lines 247-248; 254). Lisa describes that when she is
bottoming to someone: "I'm like a really prized object like
your most favorite piece of jewelry. Something that you
love and you take care of and that you really look after"
(Lisa, lines 169-171).
Danielle explains how BDSM has helped her trust
herself:
It's like... learning to trust your own experiences as
true....For me it's been important to not need
confirmation from somebody else to trust my own
experience. Urn, and that I got from s/m.
So that's
cool and that's also filtered out to the rest of my

life. Not needing other people to confirm my own
experience of something. Or the validity of whatever
it is that I'm doing.
She describes how she's able to both be empowered and

empower others in her play:
I've gotten this feedback from people... that I give
them permission to shed some of their inhibitions and
that just makes me happy....So that is part of also
why I do this and what's important about it. It is
97
magical and sex and sexuality and that energy. For me,
it is one of the most creative forces and experiences
of my life...1 have found in S&M play the freedom to
use my imagination and to be creative in ways that I
have never found in any other medium. So it's almost
like an artistic medium for me. Y'know? And so it
really has brought out these creative impulses and
parts of my personality and imagination and really
helped me grow. I think I need that to be a person.
So, it's not really just about having an orgasm.
(Danielle, lines 455-456; 461-469)
Becoming empowered also involves further developing
one's identity. Some of the women described how their
involvement in public BDSM impacted this process for them.
Hannah seems to feel strongly about this:
What we're doing in the scene is figuring out how to
be female-bodies, whether we're butch or femme or
genderqueer or any number of self-expressions. Claim
it and own it. Let it find a way for it to be in a
place where we stand empowered. That's just hard.
Women are still beleaguered on that level in the
culture and dykes more so.
98
Overall, Danielle gives a lyrical description of how

public BDSM can help to build confidence and self-esteem:
"It's like a practice room. It's like my runway. It's like
a mirror that you dance in front of"
(lines 446-447) .
Healing
Many women described how their involvement in public
BDSM had healing powers for them. For example, Hannah
describes how public BDSM has empowered her to
get more in touch with her own body:
It's how much do you bring your whole body along for
the ride? How much are you inhabiting your whole
physical self....I mean it sounds ridiculous, but it's
almost like a deep sports analogy....I have friends
who are marathon bikers or tennis players or they go
rock climbing and I'm like, I don't do any of those
things. I do this and it fulfills a lot of the same
needs.
(Hannah, lines 13 0-140)
She continues by describing how BDSM has helped her to

heal her "body shame":
Some of the feelings that I've had repeatedly from
playing have been instrumental in...my recovery from
growing up fat in this culture...very much a lot of
body shame as well as a lot of body distrust.... You
99
feel really good about being in your body at the end

of a good scene. That has been hugely instrumental for
me. It's very powerful.... I 'm more willing to wear
tight clothes or a sexy outfit. I'm less willing to
give up my personal space on the subway. All those
kinds of subtle interior thing that bleeds through and
the more you act as if the more natural it seems to
act that way all the time. That can be very healing.
Lots and lots of people have used BDSM for a healing
context. I don't think it works very well unless it's
also hot for people. But it's a very powerful ground.
Sarah relates how her experience in the BDSM scene has
also been very healing and positive for her in overcoming
traumatic events:
I have been a victim of date rape and lots of
different instances where I've been sexually assaulted
and these kinds of things. The conclusions I've come
to are that it's [public BDSM] really been a healing
experience for me and I still don't get it. It doesn't
intellectually make sense for me yet....But I do know
that at the end of it all I feel more healed rather
than re-traumatized. That's very clear for me and...I
100
just wonder though if it is re-traumatizing for some

people or if it can be both at the same time. How is
it different when I'm topping and when I'm bottoming?
I mean, those are questions that I'd really like to
explore in therapy. But I think at the end of the day,
I definitely feel like I'm empowered by this
experience and that it's positive.... Definitely
healing.
Lisa has also experienced some healing through her

involvement in BDSM. She said, "Years and years and years
ago, I worked out a lot of stuff with my relationship with
my father and that was great for me.
whole lot"
I mean, I learned a
(Lisa, lines 118-119).
Perhaps the overall sense of empowerment is best

expressed by Kate: "I think it made me happier" line 248).
"It's fun to explore parts of yourself"
(line 253).
Improving Relationships
All of the women described ways in which they believed
their experience with public BDSM sex play had improved
their relationships in many aspects of their lives. The two
major themes that emerged involved learning to communicate
better and learning to trust others and be nonjudgmental.
101
Better Communication
Many of the women gave examples of how they've applied
the communication skills they've developed through BDSM to
situations outside of the scene play. For example, Kate
relates what she has been able to take from scene play
regarding communication:
From watching other people play I've been very touched
by their play and also learned about
communication.... Even once I saw at a play party a
scene go a little bad and watching the way the people
communicated and tried to kind of back off from it and
were able to and it being fine....1 was like wow, the
world should be such a good place....1 think the use
of a safe word would really help a lot of things.
(Kate, lines 192-196; 201-202)
Abby gives another example of how negotiation in the
BDSM scene has carried over into improving the
communication in her day-to day life:
The negotiating, communication relationship kind of
stuff
[was the biggest change.] You know, like this
sounds ridiculous, but when [my partner] and I go

grocery shopping, she's always paranoid about
102
money...so now we make an agreement before we go.

Y'know, like a negotiation. We hold hands and I say,
"I will agree to stay closely to the list if you will
agree to not yell at me" and we'll agree to have a
harmonious grocery shopping trip....It's better if we
have a negotiation before.
Sarah talks about how she's learned the importance of

honesty in sexual communications:
What BDSM has brought into my life that I would just
really, really appreciate is the ability to be honest
-- with partners about sex and pleasure. And having a
voice, finally, for all of those desires and fantasies
and needs and wants and being able to say that to
people and not feel ashamed for a second...And I think
it's really revolutionized the way that I talk to
partners as well and the way that our relationships
work. Because there's a foundation of honesty for us
that's really built our trust. Now looking back at
other relationships where I was not sexually honest
with people, I think that it affected the entire
relationship and our ability to be honest on many
different levels.
103
Learning to Trust and Being Non-Judgmental

Open and honest communications helps to develop trust.
Many of the women expressed that they learned to be more
trusting and non-judgmental from their public BDSM
experience. For example, Sarah explains:
I've learned you've gotta trust people to have their
own boundaries. I've learned a lot about how you
really can't judge anybody on the basis of how they
look when they walk in or what they're wearing when
they're there or anything about what they're going to
be into. And I find that very inspiring.
(Sarah, lines
240-243; 292-293)
Lisa also discusses the issue of trust: "I think that
it's an important thing to know yourself and know what your
limitations are....1 think you also have to learn how to
trust people and trust your instinct on that"
(Lisa, lines
199-201).
Kate believes that being privy to others' sexual
experiences during public play has helped her to be more
non-judgmental:
That's that whole other adage about don't compare your
insides to other people's outsides....If you're never
kind of around other people having sex...all you have
104
to compare... sexual experiences to is another sexual

experience in which you were a primary part so I
wonder if that is in some way limiting.(Kate, lines
264-267)
Concern over Others' Misunderstandings
While the majority of the comments made by the women
about how their experiences with public BDSM sex play were
positive, they did express some misgivings about how others
may misunderstand their involvement in this behavior. This
was the only "cost" that they mentioned to their
participation with BDSM. For example, Sarah relayed these
concerns about what the scene has cost her:
I would say because of the field that I'm in it does
cost me emotionally just to be guarded and
a little
paranoid about what would happen if folks in the

religious right got a hold of this information and
knew that I worked with teenagers and held that
against me. So there are like fabulous photo shoots
that people have asked me to be in that I would
absolutely love to do or kind of more like public
demonstrations and things like that that I can't do.
105
Kate shares her thoughts about both being in the scene

and being somewhat of a public figure:
Well, the public thing, I mean the public is almost
like a little bit of a drawback. Especially 'cause I'm
kind of, at this point... starting to be a public
figure. I definitely think about how it affects my
public image. So I thought, as a bottom, does that
like kind of detract from my public image as an
entertainer? Then I decided I don't care. Let people
think what they want. I mean what fun is it to fight
all this time for our rights to love who we want. And
now we're gonna be like, "Oh no, I don't want people
to think badly of me or think that I'm weak or
something". So I've just decided that I just don't
care about that. Oh, well, I don't know.
If I started
having people come up to me and say, "Oh I saw you at

blah, blah, blah" y'know maybe I would feel
differently. And I actually have had interactions
where actually a student that I precepted was at a
play party that I was at. And she just walked up to me
like we were at the 7-11. She was just like,
"Hi, how
are you?" She had just sort of gotten done getting her
ass beat and I was like,
"Yeah, I'm fine." I mean, I
106
didn't feel ashamed, but I felt like at least lower

your voice. We're not at the 7-11.
(Kate, lines 12 7-
114)
Hannah discusses feeling misunderstood by the larger
society:
Honestly, I often still feel like we are generally
misunderstood at least in the larger world. Kind of,
what we're doing and why we're doing it. What kind of
fun we're having. From the mainstream cultural markers
that I perceive, it's a plastic, one dimensional take
on what we're doing. It doesn't have any grasp; any
depth.
She describes that she has "emotional struggles" with

friends who don't understand about how safe BDSM sex play
is :
Cost to me personally? There have been emotional
struggles, not with myself, but with friends about
understanding what I was doing and why I was doing it.
And whether or not it was safe on any number of
levels. People worry a lot about, you're gonna hurt
yourself doing that. When I think especially in my
community. We're so safety-trained, it's insane. If I
107
hear "safe, sane, and consensual" once more, I'm gonna

puke....If this is how we can present ourselves to the
vanilla world, they'll stop attacking us because we're
not crazy, we don't drop people off building, and
everyone said "yes" to doing this.
(Hannah, lines 263-
274)
Danielle also talks about safety and misunderstandings:
I do have safety issues that I'm always thinking
about, in terms of important things to think about.
Like, even though things are consensual, if somebody
gets hurt will the police think that something's
consensual?... Just because you have an agreement with
somebody, if they're somehow incapacitated, and can't
say, "Yes, I really volunteered to be here and to do
that", you are at risk of being misunderstood in a
very scary way....It's important and you should always
take into consideration what you have to think
sometimes about worst case scenario. Think about what
is it that I'm willing to give up to do because while
we might live in a supportive community. That's just
this tiny little community. It's not really the rest
of the world.
108
Overall, the women seem to have an interesting

perspective that BDSM is integrated, to some extent, into
the wider community. As Lisa puts it:
I also want to say that there are so many people who
are into S&M that don't even know it. I'm talking
about the people who go to horror films and the people
who ride roller coasters. They're all forms of S&M and
people don't realize it.
(Lisa, lines 215-217)
Three major themes came out of the discussion of the

impact of BDSM on women's lives. The notion of selfempowerment included building self-esteem through play,
developing an identity, and emotional healing. The women
also noted that through scene play, they experienced
improved relationships through learning to better
communicate, learning to trust others, and learning to be
non-judgmental. While the themes that came forward were
overwhelmingly positive, the concern about others'
misunderstanding of BDSM also emerged. The women discussed
friends w o r r y i n g about w h e t h e r t h e y ' d get h urt
in the scene
or whether they were playing with the appropriate consent.

There was also a concern about players being in the public
eye and then being recognized in the scene. It is important
109
to note, however, that these concerns were minor compared

to the many positive results of playing in the BDSM scene.
110
CHAPTER 6
Discussion and Recommendations
BDSM sex play. This study was phenomenological and used
face-to-face interviews of six women in the BDSM scene in
order to capture the essence of the phenomenon. The
interviews were transcribed and then analyzed using a
process described as horizontalization, which refers to
going through the texts of the interviews and all the
expressions
relevant to the experience. These expressions
were then clustered into relevant invariant themes.

Demographic information as well as quotes from each of the
six interviews were organized into textural and structural
descriptions of the phenomenon. Finally the meanings and
themes were synthesized into the essence of the phenomenon
of the participation of lesbians in public BDSM sex play.
This chapter will discuss the findings of the study and
recommendations for future study.
Discussion
This phenomenological research was in response to the
call for research on BDSM from the participants'
perspective. For instance, Taylor & Ussher (2001) called
I l l
for an examination of the subtle nuances of individual

experiences among BDSMers. Houlberg (1991) pointed out that
there has been a lack of the actor's viewpoint in BDSM
research. Other researchers have emphasized that we have to
gain a better understanding of the people who engage in
BDSM and what they have in common (Breslow, 1989) .
Others
have noted that people of different genders & orientations

may assign different meanings to BDSM and that private &
public play may be different (Alison et a l ., 2001). Through
the use of phenomenology, we're able to understand the
experiences of the women participating in the study as
recommended by M. S. Weinberg et a l . (1984) and T. S.
Weinberg (1994) rather than inflicting preconceived notions
on them.
This study goes beyond any previous research because
it specifically explored public BDSM sex play among
lesbians, a phenomenon that had not been studied before. In
fact, much of the BDSM research has targeted heterosexual
or gay men.
The backgrounds of the participants, however, are
similar to those of men and women studied in previous
research (Alison et a l ., 2001; Breslow, Evans, & Langley,
1985) in which they are bettered educated professionals,
112
often with high status positions. Similar to the findings

regarding the women in the Breslow et a l . (1985) research,
the women in this study were introduced into the BDSM scene
by another person (e.g. friend, sexual partner, sister)
even though all the women had expressed interest in BDSM,
perhaps even since childhood. In fact, the women in this
study described the "newbie" phenomenon involving
introduction into the scene by people that one knows, who
also socialized the new participants into the "social
network." This helped to soothe the newbie's initial
anxiety and allowed them a chance to observe and learn
without being pressured. Alison et a l . (2001) also noted
that an adult socialization process took place in the two
S&M clubs that they studied. Baumeister (1988) observed a
gender difference in BDSM behavior in which women were more
likely to be spectators than men. In this current study,
voyeurism was an accepted, even encouraged part of the
newbie experience so that the women could learn proper
scene etiquette as well as begin to learn what makes them
hot and what their limits are.
No previous study has looked at the entire BDSM scene
phenomenon as this study has done, including the
113
preparation before a scene, what experiences happen during

a scene, and the aftercare that occurs.
Clear themes emerged for each stage. The preparation
that occurs before a scene includes the feeling of
anticipation and active planning (that can occur well in
advance of the scene). The pre-scene has never been studied
before, although a pre-scene activity that has been noted
elsewhere is the negotiations that take place in order to
script roles (T. S. Weinberg, 1994; Weinberg, Williams, &
Moser, 1984). These negotiations also keep the play "safe,
sane, and consensual" by setting limits (Brame, Brame, &
Jacobs, 1993) . The themes that emerged in this study
regarding experiences during a scene differentiated between
the experience of the top and the bottom. Women who topped
described feeling hyperaware and enjoying performing (being
an exhibitionist). This feeling may be similar to the
transcendence described by Taylor & Ussher (2 001). Women
who bottomed described a different type of transcendental
feeling, which they called being "in the zone." When they
were "in the zone," they "lost" themselves into the
experience and were not aware of what was happening around
them. They were very aware of their own bodies, however.
The feelings they describe are similar to those identified
114
by T. S. Weinberg (1994) in his research in which he noted

that BDSM was a way to lose oneself similar to long
distance running, drug use, or meditation (although he did
not specify if this was more the experience of the top of
bottom).
Regarding the experience shared by the tops and
bottoms, the women described this as an energy/power
exchange. However, unlike most of the previous research
conducted with men that emphasized that the power dynamic
is the most important feature of BSDM (Califia, 2000; T. S.
Weinberg, 1994; M. S. Weinberg, Williams, & Moser, 1984),
in this study the women did not discuss much about power
dynamics nor pain. But they did discuss the catharsis and
healing that they felt during aftercare.
Probably the most important finding was the
predominance of the major theme of connection that was
interwoven throughout all of the stages. Clearly for these
women, public BDSM sex play served to provide them with a
twofold sense of connection: to their partners and to the
queer women's BDSM community. This essence may be something
based on gender and more important to women than men, or
perhaps it is more unique to the lesbian experience.
115
In addition, another overall theme that was interwoven

throughout was the sense of fun and sexual satisfaction
that the women received from their involvement in the
public BDSM scene.
The findings support the use of sociological theory in
understanding the meaning of public BDSM sex play among
lesbians. The women expressed a clear sense of empowerment
from their BDSM experience. This empowerment involved
building of their self confidence and self-esteem and the
facilitation of healing from previous hurts and traumas. In
addition, the women felt that their BDSM experience
actually helped them to improve relationships in their
lives by helping to develop their communication skills and
helping them to learn how to trust others and be nonjudgmental. It is interesting to note that Panter (1999)
also found that the most salient theme for the female
sadomasochists that she studied for her dissertation was
their sense of personal empowerment, which they
characterized as both personal and interpersonal.
Finally, this study did not support the psychodynamic
approach to BDSM that labels it as pathological. Similar to
T. S. Weinberg's
(1994) conclusion that it may be healthy
rather than self-destructive, this study found that the
116
women felt they received positive benefits from their

experiences. The only concern they had was having to face
the misunderstanding of mainstream society over BDSM, that
was sometimes reflected in the people that they knew, such
as friends who were not into the scene.
Recommendations for Future Study
There is a wealth of information that still needs to
be gathered about lesbians who engage in public BDSM scene
play. Given the small sample size and convenience sampling
used in this study, the results have limited
generalizability. A larger random sample should be selected
to further study, both qualitatively and quantitatively,
the lived experiences of lesbians who engage in BDSM scene
play in order to increase generalizability. Such
information is needed to adequately educate and train sex
therapists and sexuality educators in the field of BDSM.
Future research could focus on the themes identified in
this study and examine them in more depth to reveal the
multi-layered meanings that individuals ascribe to their
BDSM experiences. For example,it would be invaluable to
further study and document the ways in which BDSM scene play
promotes an atmosphere of healing, as reported by several
participants. Additional research in this area would serve
to neutralize the current pathologizing literature and

normalize what is for most participants a positive and
nurturing experience.
118
REFERENCES
Alison, L., Santtila, P., Sandnabba N. K., & Nordling, N.
(2001). Sadomasochistically oriented behavior:
Diversity in practice and meaning. Archives of Sexual
Behavior, 30(1), 1-12.
Bannon, R.
(1992). Learning the ropes: A basic guide to
safe and fun s/m lovemaking. San Francisco: Daedalus.

Bettinger, M.
(2002). Sexuality, boundaries, professional
ethics, and clinical practice: The kink community.

Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, 14(4), 93104 .
Blum, H. P.
(1991) . Sadomasochism in the psychoanalytic
process within and beyond the pleasure principle:

Discussion. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic
Association, 39(2), 431-450.
Brame, G. G . , Brame, W. D., & Jacobs, J.
(1993). Different
Loving: The world of sexual dominance & submission.

New York: Villard Books.
Breslow, N.
(1989). Sources of confusion in the study and
treatment of sadomasochism. Journal of Social

Behavior, 4 (3), 263-274.
Breslow, N . , Evans, L., & Langley, J.
(1985). On the
prevalence and roles of females in the sadomasochistic
119
subculture: report of an empirical study. Archives of

Sexual Behavior, 14 (4), 303-317.
Bridges, S. K . , Lease, S. H . , & Ellison, C. R.
(2004).
Predicting sexual satisfaction in women: implications

for counselor education and training. Journal of
Counseling & Development, 82 (2), 158-166.
Califia, P.
(2000). Public sex: The culture of radical sex
(2nd ed.). San Francisco: Cleis Press.

Creswell, J. W.
(1998). Qualitative inquiry and research
design: Choosing among five traditions. Thousands

Oaks, C A : Sage.
Gall, M. D., Borg, W. R., & Gall, J. P.
(1996). Educational
Research: An Introduction (6th ed.). New York: Longman

Publishers USA.
Houlberg, R.
(1991) . The magazine of a sadomasochism club:
the tie that binds. Journal of Homosexuality, 21(1-2),

167-183.
Kernberg, 0. F.
(1991). Sadomasochism, sexual excitement,
and perversion. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic

Association, 39 (2), 333-362.
Moser, C.
(1988) . Sadomasochism. Journal of Social Work &
Human Sexuality, 7(1), 43-56.
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Moustakas, C.
(1994). Phenomenological research methods.
Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Panter, A.
(1999). An exploratory study of female
sadomasochicts' sexuality: Behavior, fantasy, and

meaning. Dissertation Abstracts International, 60(4B) : 1867.
Queen, C.
(UMI No. AEH9928379)
(1996). Women, S/M, and Therapy. Women & Therapy
Special Issues:Sexualities, 19(4), 65-73.

Sandnabba, N.K., Santtila, P., Alison, L., & Nordling, N.
(2002). Demographics, sexual behavior, family
background and abuse experiences of practitioners of
sadomasochistic sex: a review of recent research.
Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 17(1), 39-55.
Taylor, G. W . , & Ussher, J. M.
(2001). Making sense of S&M:
A discourse analytic account. Sexualities, 4(3), 293314 .

Varrin, C.
(2 001). Erotic Surrender: The sensual joys of
female submission. New York: Citadel Press.

Warren, John.
(2000). The loving dominant
(2nd ed.).
Emoryville, CA: Greenery Press.

Weinberg, M. S., Williams, C. J., & Moser, C.
social constituents of sadomasochism.
(1984). The
Social
problems, 31(4). 379-389.
121
Weinberg, T. S.
(1987). Sadomasochism in the United States:
A review of recent sociological literature. The

Journal of Sex Research, 23(1), 50-69.
Weinberg, T. S.
(1994). Research in sadomasochism: A review
of sociological and social psychological literature.

Annual Review of Sex Research, 5, 257-279.
122
Appendix A
Consent Form
Investigator: Marcia Matthews, M.Ed.

Date of Submission: January 5, 2005
Title of the Study: Lesbians who engage in Public Bondage,
Discipline, and Sadomasochism.
Explanatory Information: The purpose of this study is to
examine the subjective experiences of lesbians who engage
in public bondage, discipline, and sadomasochistic sexual
behaviors.
Participants in the study will be interviewed
and the interview will be approximately one hour.
The
interview will be conducted in a private location
previously agreed upon by both parties. The date and time
will also be mutually agreed upon. All interviews will be
audio taped and transcribed. If you volunteer for this
study, you will also be asked some demographic data.
Benefits: Because of your participation in this study, you
may help to provide new and useful information to the field
of human sexuality, which can serve to advance the work of
sexuality educators, and sex therapists.
Risks: It is possible that your participation in this
interview will stir up some uncomfortable feelings.
If
uncomfortable feelings emerge and you wish to stop the
interview you may do so at any time and if you choose to
you may resume the interview whenever you feel ready to do
so. In the event that this occurs, this researcher, an
experienced therapist, will be available for consult during
and after the interview.
If additional support is required
and you are not already seeing a therapist that you would
like to make contact with, you will be given a referral to
an experienced sex positive therapist.
Alternatives: The are no alternative procedures or
treatments that might be advantageous to you.
Confidentiality: All information collected in this study
will be kept strictly confidential, except as may be
required by law.
If any publication results from this
research, you will not be identified by name.
The
interview tapes and transcripts from this study are being
123
kept in a locked file cabinet in the researcher's office

and destroyed after one year.
Compensation: There is no monetary compensation for taking
part in the study.
Questions and Contacts: By signing this form, you are
agreeing that the following statement is true: all of my
questions have been answered to my satisfaction before I
consented to participate in this study, but if I have any
further questions about this study, I can call Marcia
Matthews, investigator, at 610-203-9099. If you have
questions about the rights of research participants, you
may call Dr. Barbara Patterson, Chairperson of Widener
University's Institutional Review Board at 610-499-4106.
Voluntary Consent: You are free to withdraw or refuse your
consent, or to discontinue your participation in this study
at any time without penalty or consequence.
I voluntarily give my consent to participate in this
research study.
I understand I will be given a copy of
this consent form.
Signatures:
Participant's Name
Date
Participant's Signature
Date
Investigator's Name
Date
Investigator's Signature
Date
Widener University's Institutional Review Board has

approved the solicitation of participants for this study.
124
Appendix B
Interview Questions
1.
Could you tell me the story of how you got involved in

public BDSM play?
How old were you when you first got
into the scene? How do you feel before, during and

after scene play?
2.
What meanings does your involvement in the scene hold

for you?
3.
Has it changed overtime?
If yes, how?
From the above, what has the most meaning for you?
Why?
Additionally, this study includes the following probe

questions to be used if needed and provided the questions
were not answered in the participant's storytelling
process:
1.
What has being in the scene cost you emotionally, if

anything?
2.
What have you learned about yourself through your

experiences with public BDSM?
3.
Has your active participation in public BDSM changed

your life?
If yes, how?
125
Appendix C
Demographic Questionnaire
1 . Age in years:
2 . Education Level:
3 . Occupation:
4 . Religious Preference:
5 . Race/ Ethnicity:
6 . Socioeconomic Status:
(lower class, lower middle class, middle-middle class,
upper middle class, and upper class)
7. Number of years in
the scene:
__________
8. Self Identify:
(top, bottom, dominatrix, mistress, sadist, masochist,
slave, switch, etc.)
9. Sexual Orientation:
(lesbian, queer, etc.)
10. Do you have a primary partner? ___________ If yes, do
you play privately, apart from the BDSM scene? __________
If yes, whom do you include?
11. Are you in an exclusive partnership/ relationship?
12. Are you polyamorus or in your BDSM sex play, do you

need an emotional connection with participants or just sex
play?
126
Appendix D
Participant Instructions
There is little research on BDSM in the lesbian

community.
The current research that does exist is often
based on existing theories rather than from the

individual's perspective.
The purpose of this study is to
examine the subjective experiences of lesbians who engage

in public BDSM sexual behavior.
Participation in this study is strictly voluntary and
involves a one hour interview.
taped and transcribed.
The interview will be audio
You will be asked for some
demographic information before the interview questions.

All the information gathered in this study will be kept
strictly confidential.

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LESBIANS WHO ENGAGE IN PUBLIC BONDAGE, DISCIPLINE,

DOMINANCE, SUBMISSON AND SADOMASOCHISM (BDSM)

UMI Number: 3167341

All rights reserved.

UMI Microform 3167341

ProQuest Information and Learning Company

LESBIANS WHO ENGAGE IN PUBLIC

arol Cobb=fNfeltleton, D.S.W.

'atricia B. Koch, Ph.D.

Date: Friday, April 1,2005

Submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Degree of

To my mother, Coradina LaRose Matthews

To my partner, Robin Fradkin;

First and foremost, I would like to

Thanks also to my wonderful support network of family,

(BDSM) sex play from psychodynamic,

behavioral and sociological perspectives. This collective

when the opportunity presented itself, they took it. As

CHAPTER FOUR: Lesbian Women and Their Journeys

First Experiences: The "Newbie" Phenomenon.......... 56

(Califia, 2000, p. 177). As a

result "we live in a sexually multi-cultural society where

(Moser, 1988, p. 43), which stems, in part,

from the lack of research on the participants' perspective.

"Sadomasochism subcultures are by

necessity, somewhat secretive; for that reason, the

Much of the research that has been conducted on

(M.S. Weinberg, Williams & Moser, 1984,

Califia; 2000; Taylor & Ussher, 2001,). However, it has led

(p. 294). These theories include psychoanalytic

theory, behavioral theory and the sociological perspective.

credo and philosophical core of the D & S [dominance and

(Brame, Brame & Jacobs, 1993, p.

49). According to Califia (2000), "It is a consensual

(p. 165, 171). Califia further

"The exchange of power is more essential to S/M

than intense sensation, punishment, or discipline"

175). The power dynamic is an important facet of BDSM.

(p. 2). One of these phenomena within the BDSM

community is that of public BDSM play. Public play involves

behavioral preferences is yet unclear and additional

(Taylor & Ussher,

Could you tell me the story of how you got involved in

How do you feel before, during, and after scene play?

What meanings does your involvement in the scene hold

both fill the gap and advance the current body of

The interviews were conducted with lesbians/ queer

The interviewees were limited to six individuals to

The study was limited to adult participants who were

Abductions: A negotiated scene that includes kidnapping a

Restraining, binding, or otherwise immobilizing a

person within a sadomasochistic scene.

Bottom: Someone who enjoys the submissive role in the

Collared: To be collared is to have accepted a collar from

discipline, humiliation and/or servitude in order to

or fantasizing of dominant and submissive roles as

Switch: A person who enjoys the dominant/ top and

Weinberg, et a l ., 1984, p. 379). It seems that it is not

those individuals do not identify themselves as "being into

who engage in public BDSM do so at

conferences, play parties and private gatherings, which is

At every gathering, there is always proper

etiquette to follow and often senior members provide

The establishment of appropriate etiquette