Power Exchange: Interaction and Identity in a BDSM Community

A Dissertation
Presented to the Faculty of the Graduate School
of
Yale University
in Candidacy for the Degree of
Doctor of Philosophy

by
Elizabeth Ruth Busbee

Dissertation Director: Harold W . Scheffler

May 2008

UMI Number: 3317068

Copyright 2008 by
Busbee, Elizabeth Ruth

All rights reserved.

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Abstract
Power Exchange: Interaction and Identity in a BDSM Community
Elizabeth Ruth Busbee
2008
Sadomasochistic power-play activities are known as BDSM, a condensed version of
three acronyms: B / D for bondage and discipline, D / S for dominance and submission, and
S/M for sadism and masochism. This dissertation draws on two years of ethnographic
fieldwork in a BDSM community in the Southeastern United States.
Interview participants expressed dynamic identities in personal narratives that
addressed the origins of desire. Television shows, films, novels, and internet technology
were all cited as fantasy influences. Complex erotic identities emerged from early moments
of self-awareness. BDSM identities are performed in diverse ways, often involving power
exchanges of dominance and submission.
Headspace is a way of describing the state of mind that arises from engaging in
BDSM. Emotional displays, including headspace, are shaped by culture. BDSM scenes are
a form of ritual, including three phases that resemble rites of passage. When participants
are in headspace, they experience a liminal state and share a feeling of communitas or
camaraderie with their partners.
BDSM requires negotiation of risk levels, which must be mutually agreed upon by
all participants, whether the interaction is brief or has a long-term relationship dynamic.
Risk acceptance is personal, relative, and contextual, requiring partners to establish
compatibility based on shared or similar levels of risk acceptance, referred to as risk
footing.

BDSM social networks are private communities of practice, in which members

share a specialized lexicon and complex interactional styles. Practitioners of BDSM,
particularly individuals who engage in the power exchange of dominance and submission,
demonstrate an increased awareness of their own linguistic practices and those of their
partners. Heightened levels of metacommunicative competence can be attributed to the
importance of education in BDSM social networks.

Table of Contents
List of Tables and Figures

Acknowledgements

Introduction and Overview

I. Origins
1.
2.
3.
4.

Leather History
Atlanta
Theoretical Overview
Research Methods

13
22
30
40

II. Activities
5. Anatomy of a Scene
6. Power Exchange Techniques
7. Headspace and Liminal Space
8. Risk and Ethics
9. Public, Private, and Performance

'

56
63
79
93
106

III. Identity
JO. Demographics and Openness
11. Research Participants' Histories
12. Fantasy and Technology
13. Identity Categories and Persona
14- Gender Performance
15. The Power of Naming

116
129
141
151
165
176

IV. Communication
16. Lexicon
17. Verbal Scenes and Humiliation
18. Face-Work and Footing
19. Metacommunicative Competence
20. Nonverbal Communication and the Body
21. Fetish Attire and Flagging

184
193
202
216
227
236

Conclusions
22. Knowledge and Inclusion

254

Appendix: Transcription Conventions

263

References Cited

264

List of Tables and Figures

Table 6.1
Qualities of Discipline

67

Figure 6.2
BDSM Activities

78

Figure 7.1
The Flow of Emotion

80

Table 11.1
First Reported Interest in BDSM Activities

132

Table 14.1
BDSM Gender Matrix

168

Table 16.1
Sample BDSM Lexicon

188

Table 19.1
D/s Compatibility Responses

225

Acknowledgements
"So much of the satisfying work of life begins as an experiment; having
learned this, no experiment is ever quite a failure."
(Walker 1983:32)
Although 1 have not walked the traditional path, as my dissertation research topic
demonstrates, I am satisfied with the direction my studies have followed. I want to thank
everyone who has encouraged me to be an individual and seek new paths for growth.
From an early age, my family supported my experiments and encouraged me to be an
individual.
Thanks to Dr. Harold Scheffler for supporting my academic pursuits during my
years at Yale, and for generously sharing his time and helpful critiques. Thanks to Dr.
Karen Nakamura for editing and encouragement during the writing process. The idea for
this research was sparked during a graduate course taught by Dr. Joshua Gamson, who has
kindly provided critiques of this dissertation.
I am very grateful to the members of the Atlanta BDSM community who took the
time to share their lives and their stories with me. Workshop presenters and group
organizers generously gave their thoughts and time. Without the help of everyone I met in
Atlanta, this project could never have been completed. I hope I have represented you well.
Outside of Atlanta, several close friends offered assistance during the writing
process. Coby Griffin endured two New England winters far from the comforts of home,
to help keep me sane. Brook Vaylin and Robert Masselli shared their friendship and
support. Anatar Marmol aided with interview transcriptions. Dr. Davis Gammon and
Richard Watkins provided scholarly wisdom on early drafts.

Finally, this project would not have been possible without the Yale University
Department of Anthropology. Thank you for all the opportunities and fellowship support.
This research was aided by a FLAGS grant from the Fund for Lesbian and Gay Studies at
Yale University.

Introduction and Overview

"It turns out, it's a lot of work, and it takes a lot of skill, and you have to
make some commitments to deal with things when they come up and talk. .
. but see the thing is, what you get on the positive, on the upside, makes it
so much worth it. . . Honestly, it's edge play, it's skydiving, it's motorcycle
riding, it's, you know, this is relationship extreme, and you get that high.
You have more danger, you have more risks, you can. . . get hurt worse.
Your adrenaline's higher, but it's so much better."
(Brad, Interview)
This dissertation is an ethnographic study of a BDSM community in Atlanta,
Georgia. I conducted research over a period of two years during 2002-2004. I utilized a
triangulated approach for gathering information, including participant observation,
conducting semi-structured interviews1 with individuals and couples, and recording
naturally occurring conversation.

defining BDSM
For the purposes of this research project, I primarily utilize the term BDSM to refer
to sadomasochistic power exchange activities. BDSM is a condensed version of three
acronyms: B/D for bondage and discipline, D / S for dominance and submission, and S/M
for sadism and masochism (Miller and Devon 1995:9). Research contacts most often
referred to their activities as BDSM, although more specific activity terms were used when
appropriate. A broad range of relationship styles fit under the heading of BDSM.
Individuals involved in BDSM may practice only certain types of activities on an occasional
basis, or they may be involved in lifestyle or "around-the-clock" relationships with other
people. According to one source, two aspects differentiate individuals who experiment

Interviews were transcribed, and notes on transcription conventions are included in the appendix.

with BDSM from those who identify as lifestyle practitioners. Those two distinctions are
"consciousness and degree of erotic need" (Brame, et al. 1993:7). The majority of the
participants in this research project engaged in BDSM activities on a regular basis, and
considered themselves part of the Atlanta BDSM lifestyle community.
BDSM has developed into an umbrella term for a diverse array of interests and
practices. Throughout my research, I came across numerous terms that were often used
interchangeably with BDSM. However, through my interviews I came to realize the varied
connotations of those other terms. To most outside observers, the "leather scene" and the
"fetish scene" are one and the same, but to someone with an insiders perspective they are
not. One could devote an entire volume to the discussion of labels and lexical choices,
including the connotations of different terms and the political load they bear,2 but that is
beyond the scope of this project.
Lynda Hart begins Between the Body and the Flesh: Performing Sadomasochism with a
discussion that problematizes the use of terms such as "lesbian" and "sadomasochism,"
arguing that we have become so narrow in our conceptions of identity categories that
members of sexual minority groups risk losing sight of common properties and interests.
She explains:
"Identities are necessary in order to function in 'reality.' I see them as
prosthetic devices, which is not to say that they are any less 'real' than
anything else. They are, however, in a conflicted relationship with sexuality
and its practices. In some sense, a sexual identity, any sexual identity, is a
fundamentally unstable concept. For, as I understand sexual desires, they
are always mutable, shifting, contextual, changeable, and anti-ontological."
(Hart 1998:2)

For example, consider the word kink which frequently carries negative connotations of deviance.

Although I do utilize other terms for identity categories where they are specifically relevant
and appropriate (such as my discussion of the gay men's leather scene), BDSM is the
primary name for these activities and the people who engage in them. In choosing to
utilize it, I hope to convey the flexibility and diverse range of possible alternative sexual
expressions.

chapter overview
The four chapters in the first section, Origins, present an initial perspective on the
community being studied, and introduce relevant vocabulary and social background.
Chapter One begins with a review of sexology research, along with an historic overview of
BDSM in the United States. The end of World War II saw the beginning of the gay men's
leather culture known as Old Guard. Newer training traditions have emerged in recent
decades, and my research contacts represented a mixture of Old Guard members and other
BDSM subcultures. Chapter Two describes the city of Atlanta as the ethnographic setting.
Perceived by many as an oasis of liberalism in the conservative Southeast, Atlanta has large,
diverse communities of sexual minorities. Despite many changes that were taking place in
Atlanta during my research, e.g., old facilities closing and new ones opening to fill the void,
the Atlanta BDSM scene was thriving amidst the transformation.
Theoretical overviews from anthropological literature are presented in Chapter
Three. I evaluate feminist critiques of ethnographic methods and discuss the power
dynamics inherent in anthropological research. Issues of representation influenced my
decision to stay in the United States and conduct research "at home." Research methods

are the subject of Chapter Four. I discuss several challenges unique to conducting research
among relatively private subcultures involving adult activity. Private social networks are
difficult to locate, and issues of trust affect the ethnographer's ability to access sensitive
information and engage in collaborative methods.
The second section, entitled Activities, consists of five chapters. Chapter Five
outlines the components of a scene, which is the base unit of BDSM practice. The seven
stages of a scene are described in detail, from negotiations to aftercare. The range of power
exchange activities is the focus of Chapter Six. I outline three elements of effective
bondage and four categories of disciplinary actions. I introduce activities involving
dominance, submission, sadomasochism, and fetishism.
Chapter Seven discusses the mental component of BDSM, which is called
headspace. Emotional displays, including BDSM headspace, are shaped by culture. I argue
that BDSM scenes are a form of ritual, which mirror the three phases of rites of passage
(Van Gennep 1960). When participants are in headspace, they experience a liminal state
(Turner 1969) and share a feeling of communitas or camaraderie with their partners.
Chapter Eight contains an analysis of risk perceptions and ethics. Members of the
BDSM community abide by a code of ethics, including the motto "safe, sane, and
consensual." Participants acknowledge that BDSM inherently involves some degree of
physical and emotional risk. Rather than using words like "safe" or "dangerous,"
workshop presenters taught audiences ways to rethink risk negotiation. Practitioners were
encouraged to utilize concepts such as "shared levels of risk acceptance," engaging in

something I refer to as compatible levels of risk footing. Distinctions between public and
private activities are explored in Chapter Nine.
Identity is the topic of the third section. Demographics and the public face of
BDSM are outlined in Chapter Ten. I discuss regional differences regarding race in
Northeastern and Southeastern BDSM lifestyle communities. Concerns about privacy and
discretion curtail "coming out" experiences for many participants, and group advocacy is
limited. Many people seek validation and a feeling of "normalcy" through community
involvement.
The complex question of desire emerges as I present research participants' histories
in Chapter Eleven. I split interview narratives into two categories, based on the age at
which the speaker first knew he had an interest in BDSM. Fourteen people described early
childhood experiences that they considered related to BDSM; some of these stories were
limited to fantasy, and others involved childhood games that incorporated spankings, fetish
dressing, or other BDSM practices. On the other hand, nine respondents experienced
their first BDSM thoughts as teenagers or young adults. Interview participants often cited
television shows and comic books as sources of early BDSM fantasies. Some saw Batman
in bondage on television, and others tied up their Barbie dolls. The roles "of science
fiction, fantasy, and internet technology are explored in Chapter Twelve.
Complex erotic identities emerge from our earliest moments of self-awareness.
Chapter Thirteen describes identity categories and persona that people construct for
BDSM interaction. Identity is situational and dynamic, and interview participants
emphasized that their BDSM identities existed alongside other diverse aspects of their

personalities. This chapter identifies dominants, submissives, tops, bottoms, sadists,

masochists, switches, and fetishists as types of identities. I also discuss the roles of persona
in role play scenarios.
Chapter Fourteen examines the way gender is performed as an additional aspect of
identity. I provide an overview of relevant gender theory, and propose possibilities for a
BDSM gender matrix. I discuss the topics of transgenderism and transsexualism as they
arose in interview data. Many informants also mentioned gender as a factor in BDSM play
preferences. Personal identities are often constructed through the taking of new names.
Chapter Fifteen considers the performative activity of re-naming and its effects on BDSM
identities.
The fourth section is Communication. Chapter Sixteen traces the development of
queer linguistic studies, which began with the construction of a "lavender lexicon" (Leap
1995). In this chapter, I construct a limited BDSM lexicon, with emphasis on compound
words that share common roots. Serving a function similar to "queen" in Gay English
(Hayes 1976), the word play can be paired with a nearly endless list of nouns to create new
phrases for scene activities. Play is one example of a larger linguistic pattern that emerges
in BDSM speech, which I call domestic language. Like the phrase "tearoom games"
(Humphreys 1975), domestic language has connotations of lighthearted, innocent fun, and
speakers may use these terms to minimize negative impressions involving risk and harm.
Chapter Seventeen describes the role of language in scenes. Detailed verbal
negotiations are often the first step in a BDSM scene. Long-distance scenes may take place
on the telephone, and written correspondence between dominant and submissive partners

10

often involves elaborate rules for written communication. Some players incorporate
elements of verbal humiliation and degradation in their play. Unequal power dynamics
emerge in relationships involving dominance and submission, which place partners on
different levels of interactional footing. I explore the relevance of Goffman's theories
about conversational power dynamics, face-work, deference, and demeanor in Chapter
Eighteen.
BDSM communication requires specialized knowledge in addition to vocabulary.
Participants engage in detailed negotiations and relationship communication during their
involvement in the BDSM lifestyle. Building on social knowledge of language referred to
as communicative competence (Hymes 2001), 1 present the idea of metacommunicative
competence in Chapter Nineteen. Speakers exhibit metacommunicative competence in
verbal play, during scene negotiation, and in maintenance of long-term BDSM
relationships. The chapter closes with some observations on a relationship compatibility
workshop 1 attended at a BDSM conference in Atlanta.
Nonverbal communication is the emphasis of Chapter Twenty. Eye contact is one
form of nonverbal communication that is frequently linked to power, and interview
participants explain the importance of eye contact in training submissives. Posture also
speaks volumes about an individual's status within the BDSM identity matrix. I explain
grooming restrictions and other modifications that can be imposed on submissives' bodies.
Fetish clothing, or lack thereof, is also a versatile marker of BDSM identification, as
discussed in Chapter Twenty-One. Attire can be symbolic, and dominants often bestow
tokens of ownership upon their slaves. Additionally, the color of an object can have

11

significance. The system of/lagging, also known as hanky codes, attributes meaning to
particular hues. Other "private symbols" such as leather insignia help community
members recognize each other (Brad, Interview), even in settings outside of BDSM social
networks.
Chapter Twenty-Two concludes with a discussion of education and its importance
in the BDSM community. I explore the connection between levels of knowledge and
degrees of social inclusion. One group member described his social network as "a selfselecting community" in which a novice's willingness to learn opens doors to multiple
educational opportunities (Field Notes, May 16, 2004). Members of the Atlanta BDSM
community emphasize sensible play techniques and ethically responsible interactions. In
the words of one woman, "We must be responsible for and understand the situations we
co-create" (Catherine, Interview). It is my goal that this dissertation increases
understanding of the activities and practices involved in BDSM relationships.

12

I. Origins
1. Leather History
history of sexology
During the 1800s, the French referred to flagellation as le vice Anglais, the English
vice. The English blamed the habit, which had grown somewhat common among educated
gentlemen, on public school discipline. However, additional factors were probably
involved:
"Clearly, it made some difference who wielded the rod; a boy whipped by a
young nanny or nursemaid about whom he had childish sexual fantasies, or
by a schoolmaster whom he adored in adolescence, may well have found
flagellation a powerful stimulant in later life. But in the great majority of
cases, this particular deviation appears to have depended, and still does, on
some innate urge toward masochism."
(Tannahill 1992:382)
Brothel proprietors and prostitutes frequently offered specialized services for gentlemen
interested in flagellation. The more well-equipped brothels had a variety of implements
and furnishings for their whipping clients, including the Berkley Horse, invented in 1828.
This device was so popular it earned its designer Theresa Berkley "a net profit of 10,000
($17,000) in eight years, a substantial sum for the time" (Tannahill 1992:387).
In 1886, Richard von Krafft-Ebing coined the term masochism and popularized
sadism in the first edition of Psychopathia Sexualis. The term sadomasochism originated from
the writings of the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (Krafft-Ebing 1898).
Krafft-Ebing thought that the potential for both tendencies were often within the same
person; thus the two labels were combined to create a term for one type of sexual
persuasion. Psychopathia Sexualis became a socially acceptable read among Victorian era
socialites due to its perceived validity as a medical text. As a result of the book's

13

unintended popularity, it reached a much broader and more diverse audience than merely
being read by members of the medical community. Readers saw their own sexual
proclivities in print for the first time and realized they shared their desires with other
people.
The categorization and classification of human sexual behaviors continued with the
work of Alfred Kinsey. Sexual Behavior in the Human Male was the first such inquiry to
focus on actual sexual practice, rather than idealized behaviors. Kinsey found that twelve
percent of women and twenty percent of men reported being aroused by sadomasochism
(Kinsey 1948). Furthermore, "According to estimates by the Kinsey Institute and others, 5
percent to 10 percent of the adult American population regularly engages in some form of
D&LS"

(Brame 1993:7).
Changes at the individual level are critical to community formation. Individuals

who previously experienced feelings of isolation must be able to recognize that their tastes
are not unique. Lay readers of Krafft-Ebing and Kinsey were given the opportunity to
understand that they were not alone in their erotic tastes, thus providing the incentive to
seek out others who shared their preferences. Knowledge about sadomasochism spread in
subsequent decades by practitioners themselves, albeit with the help of the media and the
medical establishment. In time, the transition was made from practice to community, and
social networks emerged that shaped the current cultures of BDSM.

leather history and Old Guard

"It. . . we. . . emerged from that great burst of American culture following
the war against Hitler: bebop jazz, abstract expressionist painting, the beat

14

poets, film noir, and the first great generation of American S/M. Yes I
know Americans didn't invent S/M. We have the frescoes of Pompeii as
proof of that. But in the years after the war, we have a direct if little known
ancestry traceable to our time. Each of those art forms - modern film,
modern music, modern art, and modern sex - was pioneered by angry,
rebellious youngsters unable or unwilling to join Ozzie and Harriet's bland
suburban America."
(Mandrake 2007:5)
BDSM culture has been shaped by certain social changes throughout history. Most
of the rules for interaction in BDSM communities are informed by a set of practices and
traditions called "Old Guard." Old Guard practices originated following World War II,
from 1939-1945. The war afforded the first homo-social experience of most young men's
lives, as well as their first time away from home (Chauncey 1994). D'Emilio explains how
new opportunities arose from changing social structures:
"Young adults who in peacetime might have moved directly from their
parents' home into one with their spouse experienced instead years of living
away from kin and away from settings where easygoing intimacy with the
opposite sex led to permanent ties."
(D'Emilio 1983:23)
The separation these young military men from their conservative families fostered an
attitude of greater sexual permissiveness, and the delay of traditional social maturity led to
further erotic experimentation.
During the war experience, discipline was necessary for the survival of everyone
involved. When veterans returned from the war, some of them sought to remember the
positive aspects of their war experiences. The positive elements included maintaining
social and romantic networks with men, and it also included discipline and camaraderie.
In many areas of the country, gay war veterans developed small communities within biker
bars, where masculinity was held in high esteem. Discipline came in the form of rules for

15

sadomasochistic activities, and many of the traditions and ceremonies of the military were
modified and maintained within BDSM bars. Modifications of traditions include:
christening motorcycles instead of christening boats, wearing leather hats in the place of
military hats, and the development of leather insignia in lieu of military regalia (Baldwin
1999). By the 1970s, this new set of traditions had become somewhat formalized, and is
now known as the Old Guard.
Old Guard traditions focused on hierarchy and bodily discipline, along with
specific standards for attire and leather regalia. The Old Guard was a fairly closed society,
with a large set of unwritten rules and training techniques. Hyper-masculine values and
aesthetics were shown in the wearing of leather and the rules governing its acquisition.
Collars were to be worn by "bottoms" only if they had been given to them by a "top"
(Baldwin 1999:75). In this way, leather was earned. Seniority in the scene was the key
factor in social hierarchy, rather than an individual's status as a top/bottom or
sadist/masochist.
Over time these gay BDSM communities separated from the biker bars, but the
traditions remained. Aspects of motorcycle riding translated easily into ethics for BDSM:
"Everything biking was, S/M was too: freedom, danger, challenge, courage,
expression, life and death decision making, and the mysteries of the road.
It was courtesy even when being a badass, cheating the odds, flirting with
death, doing what everyone warned you not to. The qualities that made a
good rider make a good master as well."
(Mandrake 2007:6)
Gay men's motorcycle clubs, or MCs, evolved into leather groups. According to one
author, this change took place in a group in the Southeast. He writes about a club he
joined in the late eighties:

16

"It started out as 'TNT MC'*, but shortly after I had met them, they
changed it to 'TNT L/L'*. They kind of had to; they only had one member
left that still had a bike.
* - The terms ' M C &. 'L/L', refer to Motorcycle Club &. Levi/Leather. In
the earlier days, these were common terms used by BDSM groups, in order
to interact a bit more openly in public, without the S/M aspects of the
group(s) being referred to. Both terms answered, most, un-asked questions,
about the leather attire and were used like 'security blankets', to soften the
truer nature of the group(s), and avoid some public prejudice."
(Master Regi- 2005)
In some ways, the strengths of the Old Guard may have hindered its evolution.
Driven by media depictions of gay leather men, an influx of novices overloaded the
community. For all the Old Guard's reliance on social networks, group acceptance, and
training techniques that were both rigorous and time-consuming, the new blood became
too much. While there are still many people who identify as Old Guard practitioners, the
face of the community has changed. Currently, women are allowed to participate in some
Old Guard practices, and leather dykes have created their own social networks and leather
families.

social change for women

"In fact 'life-style' is a uniquely modern concept. Life-style incorporates the
notion of sexual choice, and choice has simply not existed for most people
in most historical periods."
(Blumstein and Schwartz 1990:314)
World War II affected the social lives and sexual experiences of women just as
dramatically as men's lives. "In an era that frequently associated homosexuality with the
reversal of gender roles, the Women's Army Corps became the almost quintessential
lesbian institution" (D'Emilio 1983:27). Back home in the United States, the overseas

17

absence of millions of young men forced many young women into the wage-earning work
force for the first time. An entire generation of young women found themselves outside
"the confines of household and family" (D'Emilio 1983:29) and able to explore alternate
modes of sexual expression. Like the young men of their generation, women found
themselves in same-sex social environments in the workplace, and the possibility existed for
friendships to develop in numerous ways. Emerging lesbian identities fell into two
categoriesmiddle class and working classthat reflected the differing experiences of
women during the Victorian era. These dissimilar identities also became loosely paralleled
in the butch-femme dynamic.
Following his 1948 work on male sexuality, Kinsey published Sexual Behavior in the
Human Female in 1953. In this study, he found that the longer women were in school, the
more likely they were to be sexually involved with other women. D'Emilio explains,
"Higher educationand the better occupational choices that it offeredapparently
enhanced the possibility of a woman-centered erotic life" (1983:95). This trend continues
into the present day, as more college educated men and women are likely to identify as
homosexual or bisexual.
As gay men were establishing leather networks within biker bars during the 1960s,
women were engaging in a sexual revolution to raise feminist consciousness. Following the
first wave of feminism, the 1980s escorted in a backlash of conflicting opinions among
feminist theorists, and sexuality was at the forefront of the discussion. During the so-called
"sex wars" or "culture wars" of the 1980s (Hart 1998:41), vehement arguments were made
both for and against the value of leather sexuality or sadomasochism in liberating women.

18

Anti-sex feminists were reacting against portrayals of the oversexed "introvert" of Havelock
Ellis3 and Krafft-Ebing. Hart elaborates:
"At the height of the sex wars in the 1980s the battle lines of s/m politics
were clearly drawn. Pro-s/m feminists and lesbians claimed that s/m sexual
practices were safe, consensual and nonviolent. Anti-s/m lesbians and
feminists
argued that sadomasochists internalized
the violent
dominant/submission patterns of heterosexist patriarchy and were thus
unwitting victims who perpetuated the oppressive model."
(1998:56)
Perhaps 1982 can be considered the critical year for publication of contrasting
opinions on the feminist debates over sadomasochism. The edited volume Against
Sadomasochism: A Radical Feminist Analysis (Linden, et al. 1982) contains numerous essays by
feminist authors who denounce BDSM as a tool for women to oppress each other.
According to many authors represented in the volume, women cannot enact
sadomasochistic fantasies in a healthy way that is devoid of harmful power dynamics. The
opposing view was set forth in another collection of essays, Coming to Power: Writings and
Graphics on Lesbian S/M, edited by members of the organization SAMOIS. The authors, all
pro-sex leather women, argued instead that feminism, sadomasochism, and lesbianism
could coexist and be a source of pleasure for women.

emergence of a pansexual network

Despite the existence of gay men's leather sexuality and lesbian feminist
sadomasochism in seemingly parallel worlds, organizations did develop that were more
inclusive in design. The Eulenspiegel Society was formed in New York City in 1971,
making it the first BDSM organization in the country. Originally a group for masochists
See Studies in the Psychology of Sex, 1897-1928.

19

only, the group quickly broadened its membership to become a pansexual organization,
welcoming anyone with a genuine interest in BDSM. The TES Creed can be found on
organization's website:
"We support sexual liberation as a basic requirement of a truly free society.
Our special concern is freedom for sexual minorities and particularly the
rights of those whose sexuality embraces D/S or dominant/submissive
fantasies and urges.
These rights have largely been denied through negative public attitudes,
internalized to a great extent by those possessing such inclination
themselves."
(The Eulenspiegel Society)
The Eulenspiegel Society derived its name from a character in German folklore
named Till Eulenspiegel, who is described as follows:
"German folklore tells many tales of the peculiar behavior of the foolish yet
clever lad Till Eulenspiegel. This rogue used to feel dejected on his
wanderings whenever he walked downhill striding easily, but he seemed
very cheerful when he had to climb uphill laboriously. His explanation of
his behavior was that in going downhill he could not help thinking of the
effort and toil involved in climbing the next hill. While engaged in the toil
of climbing he anticipated and enjoyed in his imagination the approach of
his downhill stroll. One feels tempted to see in such strange behavior a
paradox reminiscent of masochism, an expression of worldly wisdom. It
sounds like a reminder to keep one's chin up in hardships and worries and
not to become presumptuous in times of ease and comfort."
(Reik 1941:109)
A second excerpt from Masochism in Modern Man continues the explanation:
"Willfully and obstinately the masochist opposes his own rhythm to that
which rules all our lives. He is one measure (or several) ahead or behind in
the suspense as well as in the perverse act. By this detour we again have met
that rogue Till Eulenspiegel and his peculiar conduct during his
wanderings. When he is leisurely walking downhill he is downcast. When
he toils up the hill he is happy. He gladly submits to discomfort, enjoys it,
even transforms it into pleasure. This, however, constitutes the very essence
of masochism. The masochist and Till Eulenspiegel obey another rhythm,

20

their own. They do not march in step with us. Perhaps that is because they
hear another drummer."
(Reik 1941:114)
Emergence of BDSM lifestyle networks continued across the nation. Although one
would logically expect large sexual minority groups in more liberal areas of the country, the
Southeastern United States also became home to numerous BDSM organizations. In the
next chapter, I discuss the unique qualities that drew me to select Atlanta, Georgia as the
site for this research.

21

1. Origins
2. Atlanta
Growing up in South Carolina, I was often told amazing stories about Atlanta.
Everything important, exciting, or dangerous always happened in Atlanta. Menial things
took place there too, of course; people always joked that when you died, in order to get to
heaven you had to fly out through the Atlanta airport. Only once I moved to Connecticut
to attend graduate school and started traveling by plane on a somewhat regular basis did I
understand the humor.
During high school, I became interested in gothic, electronic, and industrial music.
One day after school a friend showed me a copy of Propaganda magazine, featuring photos
of a night club in Atlanta that catered to the black eyeliner crowd. I was fascinated, and I
phoned them up the next day to find out about their admission policies. The bored bar
employee on the phone told me I had to be twenty-one to enter, and since I wasn't nearly
cool enough to try finding a fake I.D., I had to wait.
Once in college and of legal drinking age, a few friends and I took a spring break
vacation to Atlanta, with the goal of conducting some serious shopping and checking out
this infamous night club. For the sake of respecting the dead, I'll call it Dominion, may it
rest in peace. We went there expecting a gothic dance club, but what we found was
something very different. Dominion was, in fact, a fetish club, and I stared mesmerized
watching the stage most of the night, dancing very little. I was fascinated with the BDSM
scenes I saw taking place, and vowed that evening to eventually understand it. When I
settled on BDSM as a dissertation topic, the question arose as to where my research

22

location should be. To me, the decision was an easy one, and I packed my belongings, cats
in tow, and headed home to the Southeast.

unbuckling the Bible belt

The American Southeast is a strange place, and to an extent Atlanta is stranger still.
It isn't unusual to see a car with Fulton County tags displaying both a "Jesus Saves"
bumper sticker and a gay pride flag. Religious conservatives and sexual radicals coexist in a
delicate balance, often grudgingly under the same roof. One sunny afternoon I asked
someone to recommend a restaurant to me that could serve decent comfort food. She
suggested a place in one of the gay neighborhoods, telling me it was populated with "blue
hairs, queens, and blue-haired queens." What politics would strive to keep apart, a good
country-fried steak can nearly always unite.
Although only 470,688 people lived within the Atlanta city limits as of the 2005
census, the Atlanta metropolitan area boasts a much larger population.
"Metro Atlanta marks a milestone today as the U.S. Census Bureau reports
that it surged past 5 million people last year. According to the bureau's
county population estimates, the 28-county metro areaknown officially as
the Atlanta-Sandy Springs-Marietta Metropolitan Statistical Areashowed a
population of 5,138,223."
(Auchmutey 2007)
The metropolitan area is defined by commuting patterns, and is a testament to the urban
sprawl that has taken place as the population has boomed. Much of this growth was
spurred by the 1996 summer Olympics, and the population increased by well over a
million people during the 1990s (Wikipedia Foundation, Inc. 2007).

23

Atlanta has long been dubbed the unofficial "Capitol of the Southeast" or the
"Buckle of the Bible Belt," as it is a hub for commerce, travel, and culture. In addition, the
relatively liberal environment of the city attracts wayward small town souls who feel a lack
of fit between their personal ideologies and the conservative environments in which they
were raised. I wasn't the only one in my home town who looked to Atlanta as an escape; a
number of my college friends moved to the city after graduation, in hopes of finding
greater social acceptance and a larger community of artists and intellectuals. Whether they
found the mental or artistic elite they sought is unsure, but for the handful of my friends
who left South Carolina seeking asylum in a gay-friendly environment, they most certainly
found that in Atlanta.
Statistically, the city of Atlanta's gay and lesbian population is estimated to be the
third highest percentage among large cities in the nation, following first-ranked San
Francisco and second-place Seattle:
"Atlanta's reputation as a magnet for gay men and lesbians was bolstered by
a recent analysis of population and demographic data that ranked the city
among the top three major U.S. cities with the highest percentage of gay
residents.
Some 12.8 percent of Atlanta's adult population about 39,085 residents
identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, according to the analysis conducted
by the UCLA School of Law's Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation
Law & Public Policy."
(Lee 2006)
I could not find statistics for the gay population of the metropolitan area, though I assume
the percentage numbers in rural areas would be lower. Historically the largest and most
visible gay neighborhoods are Midtown, which is popular with gay men, and Decatur,
jokingly called "Dick-hater" by locals, due to its large lesbian population. Although

24

Midtown is within the Atlanta city limits and part of Fulton County, Decatur is technically
a small city within Dekalb County. Both areas are within the perimeter of Interstate 285,
often viewed as the dividing line between the downtown area and the suburbs.
Annual gay pride events routinely draw crowds of over 300,000 (The Atlanta Pride
Committee 2006). Like New Orleans, the fairly tolerant atmosphere of Atlanta draws
relatively liberal-minded people from several surrounding states. According to one author:
"Just about everyone along the East Coast of the U.S. knows Atlanta
is the queer 'Mecca' of the South. Gays and lesbians have flocked to this
Southern metropolis over the years in droves - and for good reason.
Atlanta is a world of its own; separated by space and time from
everything around it. Like the mythical Atlantis, this city represents a liberal
and cultural wonderland in the midst of America's ultra-conservative Biblebelt. Planted deep in the heart of unfriendly territory; Atlanta is a city that
embraces gays and lesbians as a vital and sought after population. Rainbow
flags grow like weeds throughout the suburbs and SUVs sporting gay
stickers are a dime a dozen on the downtown streets."
(Vess 2003)
The tolerant atmosphere of Atlanta is viewed as both a blessing and a curse to the
City Council and to the relatively conservative residents. Atlanta also has the dubious
distinction of being nicknamed the "Sex Industry Capital of America," having largest sex
industry per capita of any city. Creative Loafing, the local free news and entertainment
paper, explains on its website:
"As Atlanta magazine once pointed out, you're more likely to live next door
to someone who works in the sex industry here than someone who works at
Home Depot. Meet your neighbors and ponder which ones work as
strippers or escorts."
(Freeman 2006)
While the local administration may not be thrilled about the presence of dozens upon
dozens of strip clubs, lingerie modeling studios, 24-hour sex shops, and fantasy emporiums

25

(I'm still not sure what that last one involves, nor was I ever brave enough to find out), they
certainly smile upon the business travel and resulting income it brings. Atlanta itself has
more nude dance clubs than any state, which bring in over $200 million in collective fiscal
impact for the state, the businesses, and the employees (Parker 2000). Not surprisingly,
Atlanta is a tremendously popular business convention destination, and the local adult
magazines even list incoming conventions each month so that adult service providers can
plan their schedules accordingly.
Atlanta has a tumultuous history of inconsistent legal opinions and social
acceptance of queer sexuality. Nearly everyone in the queer community nationwide can
cite the details of the Hardwick incident. In 1982, Michael Hardwick and his sexual
partner were arrested in Hardwick's home in Atlanta. The cause for arrest was consensual
oral sex, and they were charged with sodomy. The district attorney dropped the case, but
Hardwick took measures to challenge the constitutionality of the Georgia state sodomy
laws. The resulting court case was a devastating blow to sexual freedom at a national level:
"In 1986, in Bowers v. Hardwick, the United States Supreme Court, on a 5-4
vote, upheld the Georgia statute, dismissing the claim of a constitutional
right to homosexual sex as 'facetious.' Although the Georgia statute itself
was overruled by the Georgia Supreme court in 1998 in a case involving
heterosexual conduct, Bowers v. Hardwick remained intact until it was
repudiated by the United States Supreme Court in 2003 in Lawrence v.
I exas.

(glbtq, Inc 2006)

In addition to the state repealing its sodomy laws, the 1990s saw other improvements to
the legal standing of gays and lesbians. Cathy Woolard became the first out lesbian elected
to city council in 1997, and she became president of the city council in 2001.

26

BDSM in context
It should stand to reason that any city with such a large volume of adult business
and such a large population of sexual minorities would invariably have a significant
population of individuals openly participating in BDSM activities. Atlanta is perceived as a
safe haven where gays, lesbians, and transgender people can form social networks with likeminded friends. The BDSM community is no different, and it has the same diversity and
visible presence (compared to most other cities) as the rest of the queer community.
Every research contact that I made pointed me in a different direction or
mentioned a different email group or social function that I should make an effort to
attend. Atlanta has a remarkably diverse array of BDSM groups and subcultures, and I
quickly became aware that I would need to narrow my focus and make a few critical
choices in order for my research to be effective. One person can't be in multiple places at a
time, and once I became fairly well acquainted with the workings of the BDSM scene, I
often found myself having to choose between meetings and events being held at different
places.
After a night of running back and forth between different events in distant areas of
town until 4 AM, I realized I had to make a choice, and narrow my focus to a specific
group or cluster of individuals on whom to focus my energies. I chose what seemed to be a
logical path, and I aligned myself with the group that was the best fit for a particular set of
relevant identity categories: young, female, exploring. I realized I could never be a true
participant observer in an all-male environment, or an African-American group, or an
organization primarily comprised of married couples over 50. There were simply too many

27

social networks that, while fascinating, would always place me in a situation of sticking out
like a sore thumb. The feminist ethnographer in me couldn't support the idea of an
environment in which the politics of difference would perpetually intervene. I wanted to
engage my peers, on equal interactional footing, in a dynamic that would lend itself to the
most honest conversations, interviews, and BDSM scenes. As an additional justification,
there hasn't been any major research conducted on the "next generation" of BDSM, to the
best of my knowledge. I wanted an opportunity to bring something new to the existing
literature about sadomasochism and other sexual minority groups.
A note on participant observation: in traditional anthropological projects, an
ethnographer goes forth into a foreign land where she attempts to live amongst "the
natives" but is always already viewed as an outsider to a certain degree. One of the central
weaknesses of ethnography, particularly when it is subjected to feminist critiques, is its
reliance on Us/Them distinctions. This creates binaries that are inherently unequal and
have been criticized as such. One possible way for feminist, activist, post-colonial, postmodern, and queer scholars to overcome such binaries is to work "at home" within the
United States. There is a reduced risk of damaging power differentials in such a study, and
the researcher has unique access to the community she is observing. Particularly relevant
with sexuality research is one's ability to pass, to go native, to fit and blend in a way that
one cannot do in a different culture.
I am a strong believer in the validity and necessity of anthropology "at home." In
choosing a research project, I considered these factors. I wanted an opportunity to study in
an environment where I was interviewing empowered individuals who could act as

28

collaborators in my research, and who would be informed about and supportive of the
project. There is a great deal of literature on feminist theory in anthropology, much of
which speaks to these issues. I will discuss the ways this literature influenced my research
methods in Chapter Three.

29

I. Origins
3. Theoretical Overview
One of the criticisms of anthropology, both from outside the academy and within,
involves the colonial history of the discipline. Although the sub-field of cultural
anthropology has moved beyond the production of ethnographies with the goal of
understanding colonized peoples, the methods originally developed for such purposes are
still in place. Traditional ethnographic approaches continue to impact how we as
anthropologists theorize about cultures and affect the techniques used to conduct field
research. During the last few decades, feminist scholars have offered critiques of
anthropological research methods and the process of writing ethnography. A number of
authors have raised areas of ethical concern and offered possible options for modifying the
hierarchical power dynamics seen as inherent in a colonialist anthropology. Following a
review of relevant sources, I discuss alternative ethnographic approaches.

feminist critiques of ethnography

The issue of power is critical to feminist critiques of representation. Many authors
have argued that the process of ethnography is inherently linked to unequal power
relations, in which one individual lives among members of another culture and studies
their lives. The ethnographer later returns home to analyze his field notes and publish her
findings. Such an approach leaves little room for conflicting native voices or multiple
perspectives on ethnographic reality. Anthropological scholars turned a critical eye toward
their own field methods, and asked whether or not a more egalitarian process was possible.

30

Stacey and Abu-Lughod published articles asking, "Can There Be a Feminist

Anthropology?" Feminist scholars, at odds with positivism, sought research methods that
would allow for the value of human experience. Stacey suggested that although the
ethnographic methods of participant observation and interviewing both relied on the
validity of experience, which is integral to feminist projects of equality, these methods could
have a detrimental effect on the individuals being researched, by placing informants or
collaborators in a potentially vulnerable position (1988:23). By telling their life stories to a
researcher, and living closely with that researcher for over a year in most cases, Stacey
contends informants are "at grave risk of manipulation and betrayal by the ethnographer"
(1988:23). The vulnerability is not assuaged by the fact that informants have little input
into the final authorship of ethnographic texts.
Abu-Lughod problematizes the conflict between objectivity and fieldworker
experience:
"To ask whether there could be a feminist anthropology is to ask what
difference feminism could make to the doing of anthropological research
and/or to the writing of accounts of the lives of other cultural groups. To
consider those questions is to provoke a reconsideration of the problem of
'objectivity' since if objectivity is the ideal of anthropological research and
writing, then to argue for feminist ethnography would be to argue for a
biased, interested, partial, and thus flawed project."
(1990:9)
One solution Abu-Lughod presents is the possibility of polyvocal ethnography, in which text
is restructured to present the ethnographer's perspective as one of many voices, allowing
the reader to experience the full range of voices involved in ethnographic production.
Native voices would exist in a more equal position to that of the researcher/author. AbuLughod discusses the reticence of feminist ethnographers to experiment with literary and

31

ethnographic form, placing partial blame on politics of tenure (1990:17). Unconventional

women ethnographers, she adds, offer many innovations to writing culture:
"They use different conventions (often focusing on individualstheir
statements, their everyday activities and concerns, and their interpersonal
relationships), are more open about their positionality (locating themselves
as participants using first person pronouns), less assertive of their authority
or omniscience, and direct their works to slightly different and larger
audiences than the professional writers of standard ethnographies."
(Abu-Lughod 1990:18)
Gorelick characterizes feminist methodology as arising from a moment of crisis in
the social sciences. During that moment, women became visible in the academic discourse
and began producing writing for each other. Feminist methodology includes a critique of
the concept of false consciousness, which assumes the existence of a higher truth that is
known to the researcher. An undesirable epistemological power dynamic is created, which
can potentially be mediated by "substituting 'truths' for Truth'" (Gorelick 1996:35).
Gorelick also echoes the need for a polyvocal ethnography, and speaks to the
ethnographer's dilemma about the production of texts and the nature of responsibility for
writing:
"The researcher is transformed in the process of researchinfluenced and
taught by her respondent-participants as she influences them. Theory and
practice emerge from their interaction. The researcher is ultimately
responsible for the final version, however.
She cannot avoid this
responsibility."
(1996:33)
Further, feminist researchers cannot be merely additive in their attempt to be all-inclusive,
but must instead understand the multi-layered and interactional nature of identity.
Strathern evaluates what she calls "An Awkward Relationship" between feminism
and anthropology, blaming this awkwardness on the tendency of feminist scholarship to

32

function across disciplinary boundaries. She-does claim, however, that the disciplines in
which feminist scholarship has had the greatest influence are anthropology, history, and
literature. Strathern explains that one characteristic of anthropology's resistance to
feminist paradigm shifts lies in the diversity of its methods, "Thus there is no one
anthropology" (1987:84). She also characterizes ethnography and feminist theory as being
at odds with each other. Ethnography relies on documentation of an Other, while feminist
scholarship places much emphasis on shared experience. Strathern elaborates, "Because
the goal is to restore to subjectivity a self dominated by the Other, there can be no shared
experience with persons who stand for the Other" (1987:88).
Some theorists argue that data collection involving ethnography and interviewing
gives voice to female experiences. Thus, scholars in anthropology and women's studies
have gained from each other's research methods. Echoing Strathern's description of the
awkward relationship between feminist theory and anthropology, Gottfried acknowledges
the considerable methodological impact the two disciplines have shared. Gottfried
explains, "insight into and appropriation of experience is critical to feminist projects of
social transformation" (1996:5). Such experience-based writing has much to offer those
who are producing ethnography. Feminist theory and post-colonial anthropology have
similar roots and often the same proponents within the social sciences. In feminist
scholarship, "the researcher attempts to narrow the distance between herself and other
subjects and engages with them" (Gottfried 1996:5). Anthropologists have also sought to
alter unequal power dynamics previously inherent in interviewer-subject relationships.
Gottfried advocates additional change:

33

"Research involves power relations and the conduct of research is

embedded in the hierarchies and constraints of academic life. . . These
constraints cannot be overcome by simply altering the methodology or
applying a particular theory. Methodological change ultimately depends on
changing the structure of the university."
(1996:1546)
Another approach is "halfie" ethnography, in which anthropologists with multiple
cultural roots may effectively utilize their own diversity. In "Ethnography as Politics,"
Harrison urges anthropologists to use their own unique lenses through which they see the
world as valuable ethnographic tools.
"Multiple consciousness and vision are rooted in some
interpenetration of national, racial, sexual, or class
Anthropologists with dual or multiple vision may be
convert their 'extra eyes' into useful research tools and
weapons."
(Harrison 1997:90)

combination and
oppressions. . .
uniquely able to
effective political

Representations informed by these views overcome the binaries of Ethnographer and

Other inherent in colonial anthropology. In this view, the anthropologist herself is both
ethnographer and the other. Harrison stresses the role of ethnography in maintaining
systems of political oppression. Like other postmodern writers in anthropology, Harrison
seeks to both acknowledge and limit observer bias, and regards partial truths as staples of
ethnography. She argues that previous ethnographic traditions must be destroyed before a
truly liberating social science can emerge. This can be accomplished through ethnography
with native voices, including the polyvocal decolonized text suggested by Abu-Lughod.
In Fictions of Feminist Ethnography, Visweswaran also makes a case for "halfie"
ethnography, in which feminist scholars representing the third world may utilize their own
ethnic connections to their field sites. She discusses the blurring of genres, particularly

34

autobiography and ethnography, mentioning that our "natives" now have the authority to
write back, posing us as the "anthropological fictions" (1994:9). Issues of ethnographic
identity are elaborated, and she explains, "Identities are constituted by context and are
themselves asserted as partial accounts" (Visweswaran 1994:41). However, such partial
knowledge is an aspect of any feminist ethnographic project. One's identity may be
multiple and conflicting, and it is the job of feminist anthropologists to elaborate these
conflicting aspects of selves. Multiple voices, as well as silence, are markers of agency in
women's discourse (Visweswaran 1994:151).
Visweswaran argues for deconstructive ethnography in both practice and method,
citing the existence of multiple stories or versions of the truth. Deconstruction arises at a
historical moment framed by postmodernism and dialogic approaches to ethnographic textmaking. Visweswaran outlines the differences between reflexive and deconstructive
anthropology with great clarity; she creates an analogy in which reflexive or interpretive
anthropology is to the "modern" period of anthropology, as deconstructive anthropology is
to postmodernism (1994:83). She explains the difference between the two periods and
their analogous methods and politics:
"Perhaps the major distinction to be made between reflexive
and
deconstructive ethnography is that reflexive ethnography, like normative
ethnography, rests on what Betsey terms the 'declarative mode,' while
deconstructive ethnography enacts the interrogative mode through the
practice of deferral, a refusal to explain."
(Visweswaran 1994:78)
In A Thrice-Told Tale, Wolf presents a series of events that took place at her field site
from three different perspectives. One is a fictional account, another comes directly from
her field notes (edited and subject to personal biases through the very writing of notes),

35

and a third version is written as a standard ethnography. Wolf uses these different versions
of truth and positionality to speak about feminist and postmodern critiques of
ethnography. In the commentary following the fictional account of events in Peihotien,
Wolf makes note of the differences between men and women's freedom to pursue alternate
or experimental forms of writing (1992:50). Further, ideas initially put forth by feminist
scholars may be ignored by the academy, only to be widely accepted as valuable critiques
when they are later adopted by more mainstream male theorists. Wolf explains that a
strength of fiction lies in its ability to portray the experience of the senses, including the
experience of conducting fieldwork.
"Fiction can evoke a setting, a social context, an involvement of all the
senses in ways that enhance understanding. But it is no substitute for a
well-written ethnographic account, and I don't see how it saves us from our
colonial inclinations."
(Wolf 1992:59)
Postmodernism, on the other hand, often entails a retreat from experience.
Wolf stresses the importance of experience, including acknowledging that
experience is inherently messy. Even field notes, "the first sacred text in the preparation
of ethnography" (Wolf 1992:86) are problematic:
"They cannot be pure descriptions of reality, no matter who collects them
or writes them down. Even if observed and recorded by a villager, they
would report a perspective that would outrage at least some other villagers.
The fact that we choose to write down a particular piece of information
implicates it in the beginning of an analysis. Our field notes are the first
ordering of 'what we know.'"
(Wolf 1992:91)
By virtue of taking notes of certain events and not of others, the fieldworker is already
beginning to select the type of data, and thus the type of representation that will be

36

produced. Rather than seeking to write the truth, we can instead only strive to produce
"less false stories" (Wolf 1992:126).
When engaging in such projects, I believe feminist ethnographers make a critical
step towards questioning their own authority. If we believe we can present more than one
possible version of the truth, one's depiction of reality becomes construed as subjective and
situationally dependent on the eyes and past experiences of the observer. One could argue
that the original question, "Can there be a feminist ethnography?" has not been
conclusively answered in the anthropological literature. I believe feminist ethnography is
achievable. Clearly the field methods of colonialism are not well suited to such a project,
without considerable modification. I believe these modifications can be made, and that
ethnography can not only become harmless to its subjects; it can also become liberating. A
critical first step towards an anthropology of equality involves the acknowledgement by
scholars that theory and method are inextricably linked, informed by and informing of
each other.

our cultures, ourselves

A critical question involves ethnographic authority: who has the authority to write
ethnography? About whom are they qualified to write? This question may best be
answered by the model of "halfie anthropology" elaborated in Harrison and Visweswaran,
as well as the "virtual anthropologist" explained in Long Slow Burn (Weston 1998). There is
a great deal of concern with rewriting the canon within anthropology, and opening the
field of anthropology to writers working outside of the academy; this is one of many places

37

where post-colonial theory and feminist theory meet. I think that individual scholars are
right to represent their own communities and their own cultures; third world scholars are
well suited to write about themselves for some purposes, as are American anthropologists
writing about their own communities. I have drawn this into my own research philosophy.
I was raised in the United States; thus, I study here.
The questions of representation and the Other are also discussed by Jordan in "On
Ethnography in an Intertextual Situation: Reading Narratives or Deconstructing
Discourse?". Like Harrison, Jordan examines the role of the "new cultural anthropologist"
(1997:45). Jordan criticizes past ethnographic texts on several grounds, including their
tendency toward use of the single voice. The ethnographer seeks to document the lives
and cultures of different people using the perception of his or her own cultural upbringing,
combined with perspectives taught during anthropological training. According to Jordan,
we should reexamine the way ethnography is being conducted, and consider reconstructing
ethnographic text-making to include those being studied. Thus, the ethnographer becomes
decentered (Jordan 1997:4445). I have attempted this in my research and writing. I am
not representing a foreign Other in my work, and my writing draws heavily on participants'
voices in interviews.
In addition to selection of field sites, or the "What do we write about?" question, I
think that a feminist ethnography must also be informed by the "How do we write about
it?" question. Abu-Lughod's polyvocal ethnography is one useful suggestion, in which
informants are recast as collaborators, and the text is as much the natives' voices as the
author's, possibly more. One potential problem with multiply authored works and

38

experimental ethnography, however, is its limitations within the academy. Often the very
women and minorities that would be most likely to write in this way are the individuals
most restricted in the forms of writing acceptable for them; politics of tenure and academic
acceptability ensure this paradox.
In addition to utilizing a multiplicity of voices in the production of ethnographic
text, questions arise involving informants' access to the finished material. The educated
informant plays a role, and provides one possible solution to Stacey's concern about
informant input in and access to the final text. Such is the case in my study, as the
majority of participants are college educated and highly literate. I agreed to make the
finished version available via the internet, so they can download and peruse it at their
leisure. I am also publishing some of my ideas and writing questions in my online journal.
Nearly everyone I interviewed is connected through this particular website.
Any time I was introduced to a new person in Atlanta via BDSM social networks, I
briefly discussed my research project with them. I primarily did this out of ethical
obligation to my institution's Human Subjects Committee in the interest of full disclosure.
Invariably it also helped break the ice and started more personal conversations, in which
the other person expressed their relief that someone was "finally" studying BDSM culture.
I repeatedly heard it was wonderful someone was bringing BDSM to academic audiences,
and many individuals in Atlanta hope that the project will be published for a broader
audience. I was repeatedly asked to "show people what we are really aboutshow the world
that this is a safe, healthy, and positive thing." It is my goal to fulfill that request to the
best of my ability, using the words, stories, and experiences they have shared with me.

39

I. Origins
4. Research Methods
I arrived in Atlanta in the summer of 2002 with the intention of producing a
doctoral dissertation in the linguistic anthropology of BDSM. I had originally hoped to
investigate the role of language in the development of interactional identities, power
dynamics, and community networks, including fictive kinship. Knowing that identity is
mutually constructed through shifts in power and linguistic dominance, I wondered how
submissive individuals used language to maintain the BDSM social dominance hierarchy.
My goal was to locate sites of BDSM activity within the Atlanta metropolitan area, develop
an understanding of the social networks therein, and proceed with my data collection in a
way that would be most conducive to extensive discourse analysis.
In my previous field methods classes I had been encouraged to "let the field speak
to you" and determine the nature of the project. This qualitative, right-brained approach
to being a somewhat passive receptacle for great anthropological knowledge, while
tremendous in theory, can be somewhat shocking when put into practice. All research
projects undergo changes once they have begun, and this project was no exception. What
was unusual, however, were the reasons behind the changes. What follows is a description
of my research methods, with a discussion of some issues unique to conducting
ethnographic research on matters related to sexuality.
I would like to discuss several problems that arose, as a corollary to detailing my
research methods. I believe many of these issues are specific to performing fieldwork
among semi-private subcultures involving adult activity. Among these challenges were the
following:

40

1. difficulty locating sites of action in a relatively discreet community

2. issues of access and trust frequently involved in discussions of intimate behavior
3. technical problems with recording, both in terms of sound quality in large or
crowded areas, and in regards to limited recording privileges in most private
locations
4. establishing a pseudonym selection protocol for a large number of individuals,
many of whom have multiple "scene names" in addition to their legal names, and
for numerous BDSM organizations and facilities
5. weighing the desire for a collaborative, community-based ethnography versus the
necessity of retaining absolute privacy of interview content
All of these issues contributed to an inevitable shift in my research focus, limiting the
nature of the project to an ethnography of community rather than an ethnography of
communication.

locating sites of action

Adult-oriented activities necessitate privacy. As a result, businesses and
organizations catering to BDSM activities are often difficult to locate or identify. Even in
the age of internet technology and advanced online communication, face-to-face
interaction remains essential in the development of interpersonal relationships. Although
one can find a seemingly infinite amount of information on alternate sexual practices
online, nothing can replace the camaraderie of "real world" friendship.

41

One of the first fieldwork challenges an ethnographer faces is locating sites of

action, or finding the physical spaces in which the research informants interact. In a
traditional ethnographic project, that cultural space surrounds the ethnographer; however
in researching somewhat private or closed communities, one must look a bit deeper. As an
analogy, when Malinowski went to the Trobriand Islands, there was little question as to
who was or was not a Trobriand Islander. Identifying members of the Trobriand Island
culture who engage in certain erotic practices, on the other hand, would have posed a
challenge. Often researchers come across these issues by accident.4 Luckily, my previous
accidental encounter with the Atlanta fetish bar laid the groundwork for me to locate
multiple sites of BDSM activities.
When I arrived in Atlanta in June 2002, I knew three people well enough to call
them friends. Brenda, who I met at Dominion during a spring break trip many years prior,
was kind enough to rent me a room so I could conduct preliminary research in summer of
2001. Jen was a professional dominatrix I met during that summer research trip; she later
became the owner of a commercial dungeon facility in Atlanta. My new landlord Joe took
me to lunch and showed me around the neighborhood. One day I talked with him about
my research interests; he later told me I was the most interesting tenant he ever had.
Although Joe wasn't going to be a fountain of knowledge about BDSM in Atlanta, Brenda
and Jen both went out of their way to introduce me to people they knew during my first
few months in town.

I know one anthropologist who had a similar experience during his doctoral research. Rudolph Gaudio
initially went to Nigeria to study religious iconography among the Hausa-speaking community. Instead, he
found an underground community of gay men that became the focus of his research.

42

Despite their generous efforts, making new friends can often be a slow process.
Most adults work full time "vanilla" jobs, and many individuals only interact with the
BDSM community on weekends. My first six frustrating months in the field produced
little data, and the research opportunities during the remainder of my time in Atlanta were
sporadic. Rather than having the option of studying a culture that is visible and active
24/7 (as in the Trobriand example), I was limited to part time observation and study by
virtue of the types of BDSM interaction I could locate. Although I knew there were
couples in full-time BDSM relationships, I was having a difficult time meeting them. I was
introduced to Jen's coworkers at the dungeon, but this wasn't quite the level of authentic
lifestyle play I was seeking. I spent a weekend with an old friend in Charlotte, and
attended a fetish event while I was visiting. Several people I met were familiar with the
large fetish bar in Atlanta, but this was the extent of their knowledge, and didn't assist in
my quest for research networking.
Oddly enough, my first serious conversation about BDSM took place in a hospital.
Jen found out from reading a friend's Livejournal5 that one of her friends was in the
hospital recuperating from a heart attack. Jen described Master Bill, as I'll call him, as a
"living piece of leather history" (Field Notes, July 26, 2002). I recalled meeting him the
previous summer and liking him immensely, so I was delighted to accompany Jen on a visit
to see him, as soon as he was out of cardiac intensive care and could have non-family
visitors. I describe the afternoon visit in my field notes:
"Jen and I went to visit Master Bill at the hospital today. He was in good
spirits, surrounded by his leather family. He even said that since he doesn't
A web-based journaling site, LiveJournal.com, nicknamed "LJ," allows users to post updates about their lives
so that friends can read them, make comments, and stay in touch with one another.

43

have any *family* this *is* his family. There was another D/s couple there
that I was introduced to, who were both incredibly nice. Cory was taking
detailed instructions from Bill on what he needed to do so that Bill could
have internet access wired up to his laptop computer while he was in the
hospital. We were all laughing at him, good-naturedly of course, because
even a heart attack couldn't slow him down. He was incredibly concerned
about the construction of a piece of dungeon furniture he had been doing
for the new playroom at Dominion, and he made sure to give Cory detailed
instructions for that. The piece sounds really interesting - it's a bondage
barrel, a round steel drum wrapped in heavy weight leather and mounted
on a stand so it can be straddled without rolling away. Pretty neat idea,
actually. [Cory's partner] kept rolling her eyes about Bill's insistence on
giving orders (always politely though) from his hospital bed, and his
unwillingness to just lie there and relax. Apparently that's not something
he's very good at doing. Jen and I both gave the sub, Cory, our phone
numbers in case there was anything we could do to help. He passed them
along to Bill as well, just in case he needed someone to talk to. Jen and I
have both had our share of medical problems, so we know how boring it is
to be stuck in a hospital room."
(Field Notes, July 26, 2002)
Months later, after he recovered, Bill gave me a fascinating interview. Some of the things
he had experienced amazed me.
Each person I met during those difficult (and admittedly a bit lonely) months put
me in touch with another person, until I eventually established a clearer picture of the
nature of BDSM in Atlanta. From the individuals I met at Dominion 1 was able to learn
about lifestyle organizations that met on a regular basis, and 1 began attending meetings
and making my presence and intentions known. Once I had finally overcome the initial
hurdle of finding and making contacts, I began the process of establishing myself as a
person of integrity within the BDSM community.

finding openness in a closed community of practice

"culture: The system of meanings about the nature of experience that are
shared by a people and passed on from one generation to another."

44

(Robbins 2001:275)
Though culture is a potentially nebulous term, anthropologists have generally
defined culture as learned, shared ideas about behavior. This definition stresses the
necessity of teaching cultural practices to new members of a social group. Further, ideas
about cultural practices must be shared, or located in social interactions. The term culture
connotes practice, through maintenance of religious norms, standards for dress and bodily
presentation, and linguistic usage. Culture is inextricably linked to language. People who
claim a shared cultural identity (or subcultural identity within a larger whole) also share a
language, dialect, or argot.
The term community is more closely tied with place. Community signifies a
geographically bound area in which members interact on a regular basis, or at least have
the option of interacting. Communities can be imagined; that is, large groups of
geographically dispersed individuals may share some common ideology (Anderson 1991). I
define a speech community as a group of individuals who interact in conversation on a
somewhat regular basis. These individuals may not be in the same geographic space
(thanks to internet and other communication technologies), but they generally have direct
personal acquaintance with each other in some way.
Cultures defined by ethnicity generally equate birth or socialization with
membership; on the other hand, communities of practice are defined by what members do. A
community of practice is one form of speech community. Eckert and McConnell-Ginet
define a community of practice in the following terms:
"A community of practice is an aggregate of people who come together
around mutual engagement in an endeavor. Ways of doing things, ways of

45

talking, beliefs, values, power relationsin short practicesemerge in the

course of this mutual endeavor. As a social construct, a community of
practice is different from the traditional community, primarily because it is
defined simultaneously by its membership and by the practice in which that
membership engages."
(1992:464)
As a result, it is behavior or activity that defines membership, rather than physical
characteristics or geographic location alone.
The idea of community is also linked with notions of power and access:
"community describes not a static, place-based social collective but a power-laden field of
social relations" (Gregory 1998:11). Another defining characteristic of BDSM
communities involves the dichotomy of public versus private social networks. For the
purposes of my argument, I consider a public or open social network to have the following
characteristics:
1. Members freely discuss activities outside of the community itself.
2. Members display outward signs of alliance with the group.
3. Novices with common interests are welcomed into the fabric of an open social
network without having to prove themselves in any significant way.
Some examples of an open community would be an office social network, a bridge club, or
a softball league.
I refer to social networks involving private activities as closed communities. Social
groups that develop around relatively private activities often exhibit the following
characteristics:
1. Group activities are not discussed outside of group functions.
2. Physical markers of alliance with the group are infrequent.

46

3. Novices or initiates must often prove themselves before becoming integrated into
the group.
Some examples of closed communities would be sororities and fraternities, addiction
recovery/support groups, secret societies, or dog fighting rings. Note there isn't necessarily
illicit activity involved with the groups, only a certain degree of discretion mandated in
member interaction with the outside world.
Clearly all social networks exhibit some aspects of both categories, and specific
subcultures within larger groups often prove the exception to the rule. Whereas the Old
Guard was a very closed community, many BDSM social groups welcome novices and have
very transparent practices, encouraging openness and education both within the group and
to the public. Despite this openness, a general practice of discretion and maintenance of
privacy prevailed in the BDSM functions I attended.
Conducting research in this setting required a considerable amount of trust be
developed before I could expect anyone to speak openly with me about the nature of their
activities. As I mentioned previously, I chose to focus my energies on one specific network
of individuals, rather than attempting to be everywhere at once. My ease in fitting into a
specific subset of the larger population was facilitated by the relatively open nature of that
specific network. My small (but slowly widening) social net was cast in one particular
direction, and I began to cultivate my friendships. Once I had an opportunity to speak
with an increasing number of people, inform them of my research project, and gain their
consent, I began to take more detailed field notes of my experiences at the fetish bar and
other locations.

47

technical concerns and limitations

As I began enlarging my social network and becoming more at home in the BDSM
community, I began approaching individuals about interviews and other forms of
recording. Nearly everyone I asked about an interview was interested in the project and
responded positively to my inquiry. During my research, I utilized a triangulated approach
to data collection, involving participant observation, interviewing, and recording naturally
occurring conversations. In accordance with Yale's Human Subjects Committee policies, I
obtained verbal consent from everyone I interviewed. As I was introduced to new people, I
explained who I was, why I was in town, and what I intended to do. I wanted to be certain
everyone was comfortable with my presence and my role as a participant observer.
In larger venues such as night clubs, it was impossible to discuss the project with
everyone in attendance. In those situations, my field notes only describe performers or
people participating in BDSM activities who gave consent to be mentioned in my writing.
I made the decision to omit mention of specific individuals in the audience for the sake of
their privacy. This seemed sufficient measure for venues that were basically public, and
open to anyone of legal age. The acting manager at Dominion was comfortable with me
conducting research at the location, including audio recording, but I ran into serious
technical difficulties once I attempted this. Because of the powerful sound system in place,
there was so much background noise that my recordings were rendered completely useless,
thus eliminating the possibility for one portion of my conversational data collection.

48

Other facilities had more strict policies on admission, and were only open to
members or guests of members. This was the case with the primary meeting venue for the
group I call NewCrop, the BDSM organization on which most of my research focused. I
took three approaches to obtaining consent for my note-taking at NewCrop meetings.
First, I spoke with the organizers of the group, to be certain all of them were comfortable
with my presence at their meetings. They were extremely helpful, and also granted me
interviews. Second, I spoke with the manager of the venue, who gave me his approval but
advised I address the owner as well. The owner agreed to allow note-taking and
observation, but asked that I not engage in any audio or visual recording of the activities
that took place. This permission enriched my field notes tremendously, but posed a
further hindrance to the linguistic portion of my research goals. Third, I gained
permission from the specific individuals whose BDSM scenes I was closely observing.
Rather than limit the research focus to semi-public sites such as S/M bars or fetish
organizations, I also augmented observation in public venues with data collected in homes
and other private spaces. Research contacts offered me invitations to private BDSM parties
and other "leather family" gatherings. The majority of these functions took place in
environments in which note-taking was the sole means of data collection.
In addition to extensive participant observation, I was able to conduct and record
semi-structured interviews with twenty-five individuals and couples (and one polyamorous
triad), using snowball sampling and individual recruitment. I gave individuals the option
of inviting their partners, either to be interviewed together or separately, and this offered
insight into their interactions as couples. Due to the highly private nature of many BDSM

49

social groups, snowball sampling was the most effective way of utilizing informant
networks, particularly to include individuals who do not engage in BDSM in locations
commonly designated for such activities.
As well as reducing potentially unequal power dynamics inherent in ethnographic
research (Acker, et al. 1996), the open nature of the semi-structured interview process
enabled participants to collaborate in the production of data by selecting topics they
deemed relevant and focusing the interview time in ways that reflected their personal
prioritization of issues (Abu-Lughod 1990). As a result, interview lengths varied
dramatically. One woman answered all of my questions fully, but briefly, in 20 minutes.
Several longer interviews lasted over two hours. It was my hope that by allowing a higher
level of informant control over topic choice, the degree of interviewer bias would be
reduced (Gottfried 1996). I believe this was successful: certain questions received rather
lengthy answers from one group of individuals, but only garnered one-word replies from
others. I conducted several follow-up conversations, as one means of verifying preliminary
conclusions and addressing additional questions.
Despite having a somewhat small number of interviewees relative to the larger
network of acquaintances I met during my participant observation, it was a diverse group.
I interviewed men and women, of various ethnicities and backgrounds, ranging from early
twenties to late sixties. The levels of experience varied from a total novice, who had the
desire to experience BDSM but had not yet engaged in any activity, to veterans with
decades of lifestyle experience. Age was not necessarily commensurate with experience
level. I spoke with individuals who identified as dominants, submissives, switches, and

50

fetishists. Some of the men and women I interviewed were active in BDSM lifestyle
relationships around the clock, and others only participated on a periodic basis as a means
of exotic entertainment. Although many of the people I interviewed identified as bisexual,
queer, or open, others were gay or straight. More than one identified as
transgender/transsexual/transitioning.
Although I left much of the interview content to the whims of the participants,
there were about a dozen questions I asked everyone. I was curious about their
identifications, both personally and within the realm of BDSM. I asked about their
personal histories, to better understand how they became interested in their particular
activities, and so I could learn what those activities were. One question addressed the
participants' roles within a larger community of BDSM practitioners, and another touched
on ways of communicating that role to society at large. I asked about their experiences of
race and class within the social networks in which they interacted. I inquired about their
personal experiences with BDSM headspace, and the role of ritual and spirituality. Finally,
we discussed terms of address, scene negotiation, and other matters of communicative
interaction within a BDSM framework.
The third type of data collection involved recording naturally occurring
conversations. Due to the aforementioned audio quality limitations of recordings made in
public places such as bars, and the restrictions placed on my recording in many other
locations, this portion of my research turned out differently than I intended. In the
dissertation prospectus, I anticipated that my ability to utilize audio-visual recording devices
to study nonverbal communication would be limited, based on the highly private nature of

51

many relevant field sites. However, I had no way of anticipating the crippling effect these
limitations would place on the linguistic portion of my study, the scope of which was
drastically reduced.
In Chapter Eighteen, I discuss how shifts in interactional footing construct roles of
dominance and submission (Goffman 1979 and 1982). In addition to investigating
linguistic construction of fictive kinship through lexical choices such as identity markers
participants use for themselves and others, one of my goals for future research is to
conduct discourse analysis on the communication of dominant/submissive couples. This
would include analysis of conversational "power moves" such as topic uptake and
retention, interruptions and supportive overlaps, and length of speaker turns (O'Barr and
Atkins 1980).

alphabet soup and the problem of pseudonyms

"At one point while we are all watching scenes, Devon points to Dominion
Steve tying up a young woman and says something to the effect of, 'This is
amusing! My slave's slave is beating his slave!' I ask for clarification.
Devon's slave, the petite dark-haired woman he was sitting with during the
lecture. . . apparently her slave is Steve, and the woman Steve is topping is
the bearded guy's slave. Yikes. I'm gonna need a map."
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)
Following traditional anthropological convention, I have given pseudonyms to
most of the individuals, organizations, and locations mentioned in this project. Explaining
the necessity for using pseudonyms was a part of my routine informed consent script, but I
tried to make things mildly amusing for participants by asking some to choose their own. I
ran into complications with pseudonyms on a few occasions, because several individuals

52

had multiple nicknames in the BDSM community in addition to their legal names. Others
chose names of others within the same social network as pseudonyms, which I often didn't
realize until I met that person months later, when I had to change the original pseudonym.
When I selected a name for someone, I tried to find something that best suited the
individual's character, or had the same general impression as their chosen "scene name."
This explains why certain pseudonyms may seem odd to the reader. Even more
challenging was the task of renaming the various BDSM lifestyle organizations that operate
in the Southeast. Most of these organizations have long names that make up witty
acronyms of significance. I tried to create similar, appropriate, witty acronyms to serve in
their place. I accept the responsibility for all bad puns and eye-roll-worthy humor herein.
I should mention a few exceptions: some individuals specifically requested that I
use their real names. Often this request was made by a nationally-known educator, author,
or figure within the BDSM community, who wanted appropriate credit for the information
I garnered during their interviews or while attending their workshops. I have honored
these requests.

issues involving privacy and collaboration

In my dissertation prospectus, I proposed a plan to engage research participants at
all phases of the study, using multi-level collaborative research methods informed by
feminist theory. It was my goal to put feminist theory into practice, giving participants a
voice in the selection of topics to be discussed in interviews as well as naturally-occurring

53

conversations. One benefit of direct transcription of participants' voices is that they

emerge as unique individuals in the data and in the final written work.
In a conference paper for a methods panel, I gave the following statements about
my undergraduate honors thesis, written while attending the South Carolina Honors
College at the University of South Carolina:
"Further, I have allowed the women in my study to be active makers of
ethnographic text. During several stages of the research project, I shared my
materials, thoughts, and tape transcriptions with them to gain their
feedback. I wanted to make certain that I was representing them in the
manner best suited for their vision of the world and of themselves. In this
respect, my thesis was a collaborative effort to a certain extent. They were
able to speak to the world, through my writing, in their own voices taken
from transcriptions of participant observation, naturally occurring
conversation, and personal interviews."
(Busbee 1998:6)
I anticipated a similar approach would be suitable for this project. However, after serious
consideration, I had to weigh my desire for a collaborative project against the potential
harm in violating the privacy of the participants. Although I have consulted several
participants during the writing of this dissertation, I have predominately chosen to err on
the side of caution, rather than risk making a decision that would jeopardize the trust I
have been given.
As with any ethnography, I have made every attempt to present the data in an
unbiased fashion. I am aware that there are many sides to every story, and "the task of the
ethnographer is not to determine 'the truth' but to reveal the multiple truths apparent in
others' lives" (Emerson, et al. 1995:3). As a cultural anthropologist with a background in
linguistic anthropology, I recognize the role of language in shaping power dynamics, both
in conversational practice and in ethnographic writing. It is therefore necessary for those

54

of us responsible for producing ethnographic writing to be sensitive to our own linguistic

practices and the voices we use in representation of others and ourselves.

55

II. Activities
5. Anatomy of a Scene
The BDSM community is based on practice and shared interaction. Although the
level of individual involvement in BDSM-related activities varies, one common
denominator connects these diverse participants. The base unit of BDSM practice is a
scene, which is a finite interaction between consenting parties that involves some type of
BDSM activity. Any sort of BDSM activity, referred to as play, can comprise a scene,
provided it is logistically feasible. BDSM scenes are a site of identity in practice, and they
reinforce social ties between couples, partners, casual playmates, and organizations. Scenes
offer opportunities for trust and relationship building, for development of technique, for
living out one's fetishes or fantasies, or for enriching role play involving power dynamics.
BDSM scenes can be public or private, individually performed or carried out by a
group. Although the vast majority of BDSM play takes place face-to-face, there are many
other options for enacting scenes. One couple I interviewed, who I call David and Diane,
explained that the bulk of their play took place over the phone, because they lived in
different cities. Verbal humiliation was a central element in their scenes, as discussed in
Chapter Seventeen. I have also spoken to dominants who interacted with submissives via
the internet or through written letters, often including detailed instructions for procedures
that their submissive partners were expected to complete.
During my fieldwork in Atlanta, I attended dozens of BDSM events, and observed
numerous instances of play. A pattern emerged involving the structure of BDSM scenes.
The majority of the scenes I observed fit this pattern, as did most scenes described by
interview participants. The following seven stages typically comprise a BDSM scene:

56

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

Negotiation
Equipment setup
Warm up
Primary play
Cool down
Cleanup
Aftercare

negotiation
During negotiation, participants express their likes and dislikes, and they decide on
a set of activities for the scene. Concerns about health and safety are discussed, as well as
individual limits or restrictions on participating in certain activities. Some scenes require
more comprehensive negotiation than others, either due to the nature of the activities
involved and the potential for risk or complication, or because the play partners are
relatively unacquainted with one another. Partners that have an established relationship or
who play with one another on a regular basis are generally quite familiar with each other's
likes, dislikes, needs, and medical issues.

equipment setup
The nature of the activities agreed upon during scene negotiation determines the
necessary equipment. A scene taking place in a private play location may require little or
no preparation. For instance, giving someone a spanking may simply involve bending the
recipient over a chair or over a lap. Alternately, scenes requiring specific structural pieces
may involve making use of a particular location or traveling to a shared play space. As an
example, a sterile field and specialized implements are necessary for many types of medical

57

scenes. I frequently observed dominants setting up for medical scenes involving temporary
piercing with needles, such as this example I describe in my field notes:
"She sat two chairs facing each other next to an end table covered in
supplies: sharps container for disposal, sterile disposable alcohol swabs,
heaps of latex gloves, sterile boxes of gauze and waterproof bandages, etc.
She sat facing the entrance to the room, with a large yellow toolbox full of
other medical supplies to her left. In the box were heaps of needles, all
organized into smaller bags, presumably by gauge and length, based on the
color of the caps. "
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)
Often couples come to meetings of NewCrop or other organizations to make use of
elaborate dungeon equipment, which is available at facilities but unobtainable or
impractical in home environments.

warm, up
The majority of people I interviewed stressed the importance of establishing a
particular frame of mind, or headspace, in their scenes. For some, BDSM is a way of
forgetting about daily stresses. Others seek the adrenaline rush that comes from heavy pain
or the emotional closeness that comes from surrendering control to another person.
Regardless of the specific headspace desired in a scene, most BDSM players prefer some
degree of "warming up" that gets them mentally and physically involved. Intense physical
activity of any type (be it jogging, lifting weights, or being whipped) requires a certain
amount of slow and steady progression to get one's body properly and safely engaged. I

Needles come in different lengths and diameters. The larger the diameter, the smaller the gauge of the
needle. BDSM players reported using needles as small as 25 gauge and as large as 18 gauge for temporary
piercing scenes. The color of the needle's hub (not the "cap" as 1 incorrectly wrote in my field notes)
corresponds to the gauge, unless it has an aluminum hub. Needle caps, or sheaths, are usually clear.

58

observed many stage shows at Dominion, and performers often began their scenes with
some sort of warm up or lighter play:
"The scene started with the Domme ceremoniously removing her opera
gloves. She quickly but effectively warmed up Vanessa with a few spanks
and strokes of her hands over Vanessa's skin. She then leaned Vanessa over
a tall bar chair that was sitting at the front of the platform. Latex gloves
donned, she quickly and efficiently did a series of piercings on Vanessa's
back, along the sides of her spine. I was shocked at how effortlessly she slid
the needles in, almost without ceremony or thought. By this I don't mean
she didn't do them safely - on the contrary, her hands were steady as steel
and Vanessa took it like a champ."
(Field Notes, February 21, 2004)
On the other hand, BDSM players may intentionally omit the warm up phase of a scene,
for any number of reasons. Time restrictions or other limitations could be an issue.
Alternately, the dominant may simply wish to plunge the submissive headlong into
overwhelming sensation, as a means of establishing an intense power dynamic:
"The scene was extensive, fast and furious, with none of the slow build and
warm up usually expected. Kylie didn't need it, and Damien clearly had too
much he wanted to do to her to be bothered with formalities."
(Field Notes, February 21, 2004)

primary play
The largest component of a BDSM scene is usually the main phase, which I refer to
as primary play. This phase is the heart of the scene, the activity for which the negotiation
took place, and the emphasis of the players' mental resources. The majority of the scenes I
observed involved a combination of bondage and sadomasochism, although they didn't
always appear to involve pain. Here I use the term sadomasochistic activity to describe any

59

intense bodily sensation that is intentionally being performed on a recipient. Sensation play
or sensual touching with hands or implements is one example of such activity:
"Devon's date Lisa, dressed as Pocahontas, got up in the hanging sling,
where a group of people (including a few I hadn't met yet) took turns
running fingernails over her, tickling her, and toying with her nipples. She
squirmed quite a bit, and it was a fun sensation play type scene to watch. It
was good to see a balance of energies, with some light play thrown in, since
I know a good many people involved in BDSM are not into pain although
that is counter to the stereotype. All the players were laughing and talking
amongst themselves and having fun. At one point she asked for something
to snack on and she was brought a nacho, the nacho ended up being used
for sensation play too, as someone used the pointy edge of it to poke
around sensitive areas of her chest. Very amusing. After the scene was
over, the nacho lay dead on the ground, broken and looking horribly used.
Devon and I had quite a laugh about that."
(Field Notes, March 20, 2004)
A tremendous mental component exists in addition to the physical element of BDSM
scenes. Headspace is discussed in Chapter Seven.

cool down
A variety of events can signal the end of a scene, both.intentional or otherwise. I
have observed a few instances in which individuals were forced to end scenes prematurely,
either due to a player's fatigue or medical issues, or because of unusual circumstances
beyond their control (e.g., heating/cooling system failure in the building, the end of a play
party or meeting, etc.). Most of the BDSM scenes I have observed, at least the majority of
those ending of the players' volition, included a cool down phase. This equivalent of a
theatric denouement generally took place regardless of whether the primary play ended in a
dramatic climax (mental, sexual, or otherwise). During the cool down portion of the scene,
emphasis is placed on bringing the submissive out of headspace. The goal is to come down

60

from the endorphin rush and return the players' concentration back to their surroundings.
I once heard a submissive complain about her inability to retain her focus during a scene.
Her dominant friend responded, "It's your job to lose focus - it's our job to keep it. Now
[after the scene] is when the tops lose focus!" (Field Notes, June 12, 2004).

cleanup
Once the activities of the BDSM scene have come to a close, two final steps remain:
cleanup and aftercare. Depending on the location of the scene, players may be able to
postpone cleanup, but in a shared dungeon facility or semi-public space, cleanup is most
often completed immediately following the scene. This is considered the polite way to
handle the situation, allowing other players to use shared equipment more quickly. Shared
dungeon facilities often have cleaning supplies out in plain view for anyone to use,
including disinfectant spray, bleach solution, alcohol wipes, paper towels, or similar
products.
How a player chooses to clean his or her own equipment is a personal decision.
Some couples have a dedicated bag of equipment for use on each other; thus cleanup of
implements that only touched unbroken skin may be unnecessary. Common hygiene
protocol dictates that any structural pieces or communal equipment should be thoroughly
disinfected after every use. Most parties and meetings have Dungeon Monitors in place to
make certain these standards are maintained. I rarely saw anyone break these rules, as
most members of the BDSM community are adamant about clean and safe play.

61

aftercare
Aftercare is a term players used to describe the physical and emotional support a
dominant gives a partner after the conclusion of a BDSM scene.7 In some cases, the
submissive's body has been stressed, so water or juice is given to return blood sugar or
electrolyte levels back to normal and rehydrate. In addition to the physical stresses of
intense play, there can be emotional tolls as well. I saw some dominants gendy hold,
massage, or cuddle their play partners during aftercare. Often players will go over their
experiences of the scene and talk through their thoughts as a means of deepening
emotional connections.
Although cleanup is considered a universal requirement, attitudes towards aftercare
differ. Some dominants feel that it is part of their obligation to safe play. O n the other
hand, I have heard jokes along the lines of, "You want aftercare? Here's a band-aid!" For
those who do engage in it, aftercare can extend past the end of a scene. At times, I have
observed players who engaged in a BDSM scene periodically reconnect through the
duration of the evening, to share smiles and exchange knowing glances.

Aftercare is conspicuously absent from one dictionary of BDSM terms (Murray and Murrell 1989), which
may indicate a more recent origin. I have no reason to believe it is local to Atlanta, as workshop presenters
from various regions of the United States used it during meetings and conventions.

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II. Activities
6. Power Exchange Techniques
"It wasn't really until my twenties that I discovered actually that the rest of
the world was doing vanilla and I just, for the life of me, what a bizarre idea!
Why, why would anyone continually have sex in the exact same manner?
It's like eating blueberry pie every damn day when you are standing in a
New York pastry shop with the rainbow cookies and everything else - and
the cannolis - and this is impossible!"
(Catherine Gross, Interview)
To understand a community of practice, one must first gain a working knowledge
of the activities they share. In Chapter One, I defined BDSM as a condensed acronym for
bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. Fetishism is
an additional element of BDSM play. In this chapter, I provide an overview of BDSM
activities that constitute these broader categories of power exchange.

bondage
"Nancy Drew got tied up at least once in every book."
(Petra, Interview)
Bondage exists in numerous forms and degrees of complexity. Although I observed
some BDSM scenes that exclusively involved bondage without any other activity, generally
bondage appeared as a prelude to other forms of play. The primary goal of bondage is to
restrain a human body, often in a pose that either confines or stretches the individual. I
saw dominants utilize bondage to position their play partners for maximum access to
desired areas of the body, to facilitate other activities.
"Steve puts an intricate rope harness on her torso, starting at her neck and
working downwards, putting knots every six or eight inches in the rope.
She squirms when he passes the knotted rope between her legs and brings it
back up along her spine. Once he finishes the rope work, he bends her

63

over the bench in the opposite direction, head towards the table at the front
of the room. He uses a large flogger on her shoulders and butt, and she
squirms noticeably with each strike. After a few minutes, once the strikes
have gotten more intense, she stands up, shivers, goes back down, and
generally can't stay still for anything."
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)
Bondage is a diverse subculture within BDSM. There are entire groups devoted to
bondage, numerous popular websites for bondage enthusiasts, and dozens of exquisite
books of bondage photography or art. Many bondage participants do not consider
themselves to be dominant or submissive; thus, I have chosen the neutral term enthusiast. I
observed several BDSM scenes in which play partners took turns tying each other up,
chatting casually and making jokes as they proceeded. Some individuals characterized their
interest in BDSM activity as exclusively limited to bondage. The majority of bondage
enthusiasts that I met expressed a preference for rope bondage. However, a few individuals
described their primary play interests as mummification and sensory deprivation, which are
accomplished through the use of hoods or encasement devices such as body bags. Latex
bondage was also mentioned by several rubber fetishists.
The degree of complexity varied immensely in the bondage scenes I observed, from
a simple set of leather restraints attached to someone's wrists, to elaborate bondage using
the Japanese shibari style of rope art.
"There was one visually impressive scene taking place for the majority of the
evening in the suspension gazebo in the middle of the room. Despite their
warnings at the last meeting that the piece was not structurally designed for
full suspension, one took place anyway. 1 realized upon closer examination
that the couple using the piece had taken ropes and trussed up the entire
top part of the structure: rather than using the single wench and pulley that
was already in place, they took ropes to each one of the four corner
8

A flogger is a type of whip, with a single, solid handle and numerous strands (also called tails, lashes, or falls)
made of leather, rubber, or other material.

64

supporting beams and tied them all together in the center. This took place
after a brief discussion between the couple and Master Bob [the dungeon
monitor for the evening, who was in charge of overseeing scene safety].
This way, the weight of the woman being suspended was supported by the
entire structure, rather than just one piece of it. Quite a good idea. I
watched the couple's scene casually throughout the evening. One thing
about shibari, or Japanese rope bondage, is that it is slow and painstaking to
do safely. It took the guy at least fifteen minutes to get her up each time,
then another fifteen to get her down."
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)
Shibari has its own rules for ways of tying rope, and many of the ties and techniques have
existed for centuries (Midori 2001).

Shibari enthusiasts often prefer to use hemp rope,

because of its organic character. Hemp rope leaves desirable rope marks on the skin, and it
can be quite scratchy. The other preferred form of rope for bondage is braided (not
twisted, because the twists can pinch the skin and cause tissue damage) cotton, nylon, or
polypropylene, all of which can be machine washed (Wiseman 2000).
In addition to rope, numerous other devices are frequently used in bondage scenes.
Mummification, or full body encasement, can be achieved with plastic wrap, vinyl bondage
tape, plaster or inflatable medical casting materials, lycra bodysuits, or stockings. Selfadhesive elastic bandages (made of a material that sticks to itself but not to skin), air casts,
or straightjackets are used in medical bondage scenes. A diverse array of leather bondage
equipment exists, including straps, restraints, cuffs, arm binders, and body bags. Latex
implements come in the same forms as leather implements, and are also available in
inflatable varieties.
Three elements are necessary for effective bondage:
1. The tie should be successful in restraining the person.

65

2. The tie should be aesthetically pleasing. This is particularly relevant for ties
involving rope.
3. The individual being restrained must be comfortable enough to remain in the
desired position for an appropriate length of time.
It should be noted that comfort is a relative term. Many people stressed the importance of
having their physical limits tested via bondage, but they also desired safe ties that wouldn't
compromise their circulation or general well-being.

discipline
"The chief function of the disciplinary power is to 'train'. . . It 'trains' the
moving, confused, useless multitudes of bodies and forces into a
multiplicity of individual elements - small, separate cells, organic
autonomies, genetic identities and continuities, combinatory segments.
Discipline 'makes' individuals; it is the specific technique of a power that
regards individuals as both objects and as instruments of its exercise."
(Foucault 1979:170)
The importance of discipline in BDSM carries over from Old Guard traditions for
behavior, obedience, and self-control. From a research perspective, discipline poses a great
paradox. Of the activities in BDSM scenes, discipline is both the most prevalent and the
most elusive to document. My field notes are ripe with examples of sadomasochistic
activities, dominant/submissive role play scenarios, and bondage games. The element of
discipline is often present in these scenes as well, but it poses a unique challenge for the
ethnographer to recognize, document, and understand.
I have found that discipline fits into four categories, which I define and explain
below. One can engage in discipline that is physical or behavioral, in a way that is either

66

proactive/proscriptive, or reactive. Discipline in any of these four categories may also be

transient or situational, involving rules in place for the duration of a particular scene.
Alternately, disciplinary rules may be part of ongoing, extensive training in a lifestyle
situation.
Table 6.1s Qualities of Discipline

physical

behavioral

proactive
bodily protocol
endurance training
postures
verbal protocol
etiquette
service standards

reactive
corporal punishment
bodily marking
rule reinforcement
denial
restrictions
humiliation

Physical discipline involves modification of the body in some fashion. Proactive

forms of physical discipline set standards for bodily demeanor. A dominant may direct a
submissive play partner to sit in a particular way, or to hold a certain posture during a
BDSM scene. In long term relationships, dominants often set rules for a submissive's body
language. Old Guard standards, for example, state that a submissive should always walk
one step behind and to the right of the dominant. This is an example of ongoing proactive
physical discipline. Other examples involve training the body for specific types of scenes,
such as increasing tolerance for extreme forms of bondage, or increasing the quantity of
pain one's body can comfortably process.
Behavioral protocol also exists for submissives, and there are entire books devoted
to development of proper slave etiquette (Abernathy 1996) and maid training (Mistress
Lorelei 2001). Often sexual behavior is modified and controlled through discipline: a
submissive may be expected to perform erotic acts in a specific way, or there may be

67

restrictions placed on the type of sexual arousal allowed. Many dominants place verbal
restrictions oh their submissives, instructing them to use certain forms of address or
manners of speaking.
I have observed the use of discipline as a reactive event, when proactive disciplinary
standards were not met. Physical reactive discipline takes the form of punishment,
including traditional forms of corporal punishment. I observed spanking, paddling, and
caning, all of which are classic elements of discipline in a domestic or academic setting.
When rules are broken, discipline is a means of reinforcing authority. At times, the body
is marked as a visible sign of punishment. Punishment may also involve behavior
modification, verbal scolding, or humiliation. Activities or privileges can be restricted, and
the submissive's desires, sexual or otherwise, may be denied.

dominance and submission

"The only time I'm ever submissive is when he ties me up."
(Gabby, Interview, speaking about Cameron)
"I identify myself as being submissive, and specifically as wanting to submit
control to women. . . I don't identify myself as being masochistic."
(Mark, Interview)
As with discipline, the roles of dominance and submission are both ubiquitous and
elusive. Behind every physical action is an intent, and often the activities in BDSM scenes
are a means of establishing roles of dominance and submission. For many individuals,
dominant/submissive power exchange is the lifeblood of their involvement in BDSM, and
they are driven by the psychological elements therein.

68

According to one author, dominance and submission are distinguished from other
aspects of BDSM lifestyles because they are role-based and constructed largely through
verbal and nonverbal communication.
"Submission depends on the individual's ability to align his will with that of
the dominant and to use his intelligence to fulfill her wishes gracefully and
efficiently. The dominant, for her part, must be ready and able to direct the
submissive's will with her own."
(Abernathy 1996:5)
These relationships are typically based on roles, chosen from tropes such as Mistress-slave,
headmaster-schoolboy, and so on. I discuss role play persona in dominance and
submission in Chapter Thirteen.
The power exchange of erotic dominance can be negotiated on a scene-by-scene
basis. In other cases, D/s evolves into a complex relationship dynamic that is embedded in
a couple's daily interactions. Many individuals I interviewed described being in "24/7
D/s" relationships, in which one partner is dominant over the other at all times. However,
there is a place for realism here, and they emphasized the practical limitations of
interacting in die outside world. Some submissives placed limits on the areas of their lives
that a dominant could control, such as, "My Master can control my life, but I control the
choices involving my children" (Field Notes, April 9, 2004). Submissives have a vital role
in negotiating and co-constructing the nature of their D/s relationships.
It is worth clarifying the difference between the terms dominant and submissive, and
the similar binary top and bottom. A dominant individual is exercising some degree of
control over his or her submissive counterpart. The existence of a counterpart is not
necessary to define an individual as dominant or submissive. Dominant is an identity

69

category based on personal choice and self-reference, rather than practice. Just as a young
adult may identify as heterosexual or homosexual prior to engaging in any erotic acts,
someone may elect to identify as dominant or submissive.
The terms top and bottom, as I use them here, refer to one's role in an activity or
scene.9 In a BDSM scene, the top is generally the individual who is performing an action
on another person, and the bottom is usually the partner who is the recipient of those
actions. For example: a bondage top ties up another person, a top uses a whip or crop on
a bottom, and a bottom receives discipline from a top. The primary differences between
dominant/submissive and top/bottom involve agency and control. A dominant can order
his submissive to give him a spanking, placing the submissive temporarily in the role of the
top. The dominant still maintains control over the scene, but is the bottom for the
duration of the activity.

sadism and masochism

"The belly's hunger gives no clues as to the complexities of cuisine."
(Rubin 1993:10)
Sadomasochism, or S&.M, is generally the most commonly recognized element of
BDSM play. For the ethnographer, the overt, physical nature of sadomasochistic activities
makes them easy to identify, document, and categorize. My field notes are full of examples
of spanking, whipping, and sensation play. As I have attempted to elaborate previously,
these physical activities often are the outward expression of something more complex:

This is not to be confused with other uses for top and bottom, particularly in gay men's vernacular, in which
top and bottom refer to insertive/receptive sexual roles.

70

reactive discipline, establishment of erotic dominance, or pleasurable torment for a bottom

who is in bondage.
As indicated by the following quote, not everyone begins their path in BDSM the
same way:
"I couldn't imagine why they would want to ruin a perfectly good bondage
scene by hurting the person who was tied up."
(Brad, Interview)
Brad and his slave/wife Petra began as bondage enthusiasts who shared an interest in
dominance and submission. Bondage was a way to act out roles in their relationship. Brad
explained, "I have always been kinky," and Petra confessed, "I tied up my Barbies"
(Interview). Eventually Brad became bored with bondage, and he related saying to Petra,
"I've tied you to every [piece of] equipment here. . . and I don't feel like doing the same
thing again" (Interview). From that day forward, they began to explore additional interests
in the BDSM realm, including sadomasochism. By the time we met, Brad was an
accomplished and respected top, known for his creative sadism.
Brad's story reflects a common theme in the BDSM community, in which activities
fall into a hierarchy of levels of acceptance. Everyone sees things they deem unusual, often
based on the distance of that particular activity from the individual's personal kink. Rubin
contends, "Modern Western societies appraise sex acts according to a hierarchical system of
sexual value" (1993:11). Many people I interviewed described their initial shock at the
activities they witnessed during their first BDSM community experiences. As I explain in
Chapter Twenty-Three, often they later came to enjoy those activities once they understood
the proper, safe techniques for engaging in them.

71

When I explain my research topic to strangers, the most common response I hear
is, "Why would anyone enjoy pain? It hurts!" I give them two answers, beginning with,
"Everyone has different taste. Like some foreign foods, S&M is not for everyone." My
second answer is a bit more complex, and it is based on the way that sadomasochists have
explained things to me. Crucial to understanding a masochist's enjoyment of pain
(because generally it is more difficult to comprehend this half of the S&M dyad) is the
recognition that sensation is always situational. When one is aroused, relaxed, or
otherwise in a mental state that is pleasurable, bodily experiences are different than usual.
Simply put, a pinch or a nibble that would be painful (not to mention shocking and
completely inappropriate) in an office environment could feel quite different in the
bedroom.
To translate pain into pleasure, the body requires more than a conducive
environment. A physical reaction takes place, similar to a runner's high, allowing the body
to process extreme sensations in a positive way. The brain's pathways that interpret
pleasure and pain are linked. Breathing also plays a large role in pain tolerance.
"When you breathe and how you breathe it aerates your muscles differently
and affects your ability to tolerate pain. And you will find studies absolutely
to back that up, across the board."
(Catherine, Interview)
In response to Catherine's explanation, I related my experiences involving breath control
in ballet and yoga. I asked her to elaborate, and she responded with the following:
"These things are not secret - if you study any religion that ever mixed
experience and pain, flagellants or what have you, throughout history they
all have similar components. These components are about how one
breathes, repetitive messages of the brain, a strain on the body, can we say
S/M pain? Fighting through that, and generally combining these things

72

especially with an environment that is not, ah, sharp. And what I mean by
that is this: every time there is a movement around our bodies that has a
punctuated beginning and a punctuated end, we naturally are drawn to that
movement, we will look to the side immediately."
(Catherine, Interview)
She refers to the ability of a masochist to maintain focus on sensation, despite
environmental distractions. I elaborate on the idea of BDSM headspace in Chapter Seven.
The range of activities involved in S&M is enormous and specialized. Offering a
how-to manual on BDSM is not my goal in this dissertation; there are several excellent
resources that describe activities and techniques in great detail.10 However, the reader of
this work should be familiar with the broad categories of S&M activities I observed,
documented, and describe in future chapters. Below is a brief list of some categories of
S&M play I witnessed during my research in Atlanta.
Edge play: I have heard two different definitions for this term. One refers to any
BDSM play involving sharp edges, such as knives or scalpels. The more common usage
refers to play perceived as "on the edge" in terms of risk, safety, or intensity. Clearly this is
a matter of perspective, but certain activities (fire play, cutting, branding, piercing) are
generally accepted as edge play. When I visited Atlanta for a week in May 2002 to locate
an apartment, Jen asked me to assist in a performance she was giving that weekend. She
asked if I was afraid of fire, and I responded, "Not really, no more than any sane person
would be." A few days later I found myself onstage, entrusted with a riding crop that had
been specially modified for BDSM fire play.
"Mary and Jen began with the fire batons, one in front of the other, using
them like baton twirlers. Jen stood in front, running the fire up her arms
10

For introductory guides to S&M, see Easton and Liszt 1995a and 1995b, Miller and Devon 1995,
Wiseman 1998, among others.

73

and legs, over her body. They did this until the flames started to die out,
then it was my cue. Mary attached Jen to the St. Andrew's cross while
Jillian shot fireballs out over the audience as a distraction. I lit up my
flaming crop, then took it to Jen's backside in quick strokes. I did this until
the fire ran out as well. Last song was another Prodigy tune, and the grand
finale included the fire floggers and Mary lighting up Jen's back directly.
Ouch."
(Field Notes, May 11, 2002)
Extreme bondage or immobilization: Although I have discussed bondage as a separate
activity from S&M, I did periodically observe bondage performed in such a way as to be
overly restrictive or a source of discomfort. As a result, the bondage itself became
sadomasochistic.
"The two shibari rope bondage experts were tying each other up in the
suspension area in the middle of the room. First the blonde latex designer
as the bottom, then they switched. This prompted my favorite sound bite
of the evening: 'I can't do a backbend in a corset!' as the dark haired
shibari workshop presenter was bent over in reverse by the other woman."
(Field Notes, April 10, 2004)
Impact play: Striking the body with an object such as a whip, crop, cane, or hand.
Impact play was the form of S&M I observed most frequently.
"She whipped and struck <Name> with all her might, pausing to bite her
breasts and the skin near her armpits periodically. <Name> had said she
was 'an impact kid,' so she definitely got what she wanted with this scene. I
don't know how long they had been playing when I started watching them it couldn't have been long because the play party had just started, according
to the schedule. The top quickly and steadily picked up her pace, and
<Name> vocalized in response, growing more intense as they went along."
(Field Notes, April 10, 2004)
Insertions: Utilizing bodily orifices as a source of pain or pleasure, including anal or
vaginal penetration, urethral catheterization, or use of mouth gags.
"One thing I saw that I hadn't seen before was a fisting scene, going on at
the front of the room, on a small table covered in medical pads. The
woman's head was towards the rest of the room, for some degree of

74

discretion, but it was still obvious what was going on, purple nitrile gloves
and all."
(Field Notes, June 12, 2004)
Psychodrama: Although it can have more specific implications, I use this term
broadly to represent a mental element of S&M, in which the subject is tortured
psychologically, using techniques such as interrogation, humiliation, or degradation. In
the handout accompanying their presentation on humiliation at NewCrop, David and
Diane describe masochism as having three features: "pain, loss of control, humiliation or
embarrassment" (Handout).
"David did the bulk of the talking, while Master Diane sat on the edge of
the large table and interjected occasionally. It was a perfect dynamic, given
the subject of their presentation. As the presentation neared an end, they
segued nicely into a scene, in which David was asked to strip down to a pair
of women's underwear, and receive a spanking over Diane's knee. They
ended the session by Diane instructing him to masturbate in front of the
crowd."
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)
Sensation play: Although all S&M is inherently based on sensation, this term is
often used in reference to bodily sensation that is painless, but potentially intense.
Sensation play often involves textures, including touching the skin with soft fur, ice, or
rough objects.
"On the table, Cameron ended up being the victim again. He was laid on
his back, shirtless and blindfolded, but unrestrained. Yvonne, back in
clothes and glasses, went to a smaller table against the back wall that had a
crock pot and several other items on it, including a stack of Styrofoam cups.
She ladled hot wax from the crock pot into one of the Styrofoam cups, then
got a foam paintbrush to use on Cameron. Someone standing next to me
remarked that he thought it was an interesting approach to use a brush for
waxing someone - I agreed, noting that it would put the wax on the skin in
an interesting texture, much different from that of dripping it. She began
brushing the wax in long lines on Cameron's torso, then Gabby lit up a red
candle and started dripping it on him, after first testing the heat of the wax

75

on the inside of her arm like a baby bottle. Cameron squirmed calmly with
the brushed-on wax, but jerked when Gabby dropped the red wax on him.
After a few moments, Yvonne started using her brush Jackson Pollock-style
to fling/drip the clear paraffin wax on him as well."
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)
Spanking: Spanking is technically a form of impact play, but there are specialized
websites, videos, online communities, and magazines devoted exclusively to the technique.
One theory suggests anatomy is behind the appeal of spanking:
"Spanking allegedly produces a temporary warmth and redness on the skin
of the buttocks, called reactive hyperemia. Given the proximity of the
buttocks to the genitals, this hyperemia may contribute to sexual warmth."
(Baumeister 1988:48)
Styles of play specific to bodily areas: Different techniques exist for applying sensation
to certain parts of the body, and each type of activity has its own equipment and
terminology. "Nipple torture" and "genital torture" are two examples of anatomy-specific
forms of play. The following example comes from a workshop I attended during a
weekend-long BDSM event in Atlanta I refer to as Dreamplay. The workshop focused on
CBT, an acronym players often use to signify activities involving male genital torture, or
"cock and ball torture."
"She then moved on to using Vet wrap, which is a form of bandage I've
used with horses before. It sticks to itself but not to anything else. She
wrapped up his penis and balls in a little package, then used it like a
hanging boxing target. She made a point to explain to the audience that
she chose the color turquoise (for the Vet wrap) for a reason, telling us that
it 'flags' CBT. She mentioned gay men's handkerchief codes and the colors
that are associated with certain activities, saying that teal is the color for
CBT, so it was only fitting. She said this form of bondage was genital
isolation, which could also be accomplished with a number of chastity
devices available on the market today (holding up one and exclaiming, 'and
now it comes in hot pink!' which is apparently her favorite color). A
member of the audience (no pun intended) stood up and showed off his
chastity device which was made out of metal."

76

(Field Notes, April 9, 2004)

fetishism
BDSM scenes often include the additional element of fetishism. One reference
defines a fetish as "preoccupation with something, as shoes, feet, etc., and its use in sexual
excitation" (Murray and Murrell 1989). In theory, any object can be fetishized, although
certain types of fetishes are more common than others. For the purposes of this project, I
am primarily interested in fetishes as they intersect with other forms of BDSM play. An
individual's fetishes may influence and be influenced by the scenes in which he or she
engages. Some fetish/activity connections are logical: a foot fetishist may desire to display
his or her submission by kissing a partner's feet; a boot fetishist might volunteer services as
a boot-black, polishing shoes and boots for a BDSM organization fundraiser; a rubber
fetishist may dress in latex clothing11 for a night club outing; someone with a medical fetish
might engage in play piercing or catheterization. As a result, fetishistic elements can easily
arise in scenes involving dominance and submission, or sadism and masochism. The
additional element of role play enables BDSM scene participants to take on characteristics
of different persona, which can develop into a specific type of fetishized behavior.
Sometimes, a fetish is an isolated erotic preference. I spoke with quite a few
individuals who declared themselves to be exclusively fetishists; they had no interest in the
other offerings of the BDSM world. Foot fetishists, spanking enthusiasts, and rubber
fetishists seemed to be more likely than others to fall into the "fetish-only" category.
Although there are many online websites and communities devoted to fetishes, most social
11

Fetish clothing is the topic of Chapter Twenty-One.

77

BDSM opportunities promoted diverse behavior. There are internationally-known rubber

fetish events, for instance, but attendees are frequently depicted engaging in rubber
bondage or forms of sadomasochism.
The elements of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism,
and fetishism all combine to create an elaborate web of interactional possibilities for
practitioners of BDSM. Rarely does one element occur in isolation, and the majority of
the scenes I observed included multiple aspects of BDSM play. One could envision the
following Venn diagram, in which each separate piece of the puzzle is integrated into a
larger body of activities.
Figure 6.2: BDSM Activities

Realize that the possibilities for a BDSM scene are quite diverse, so any description on my
part is merely representative of the things I have witnessed and experienced. This is not
meant to be all-inclusive, but only to serve as a point of reference, since the BDSM
community exists primarily through its interactions.

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II. Activities
7. Headspace and Liminal Space
"It was getting late at this point, so I resigned myself to dancing for a final
time at the club that had given me so many wonderful memories. 12 I don't
know how long I danced; it seemed like forever because I didn't stop when
the pain started, but it wasn't long enough. It never is. Dancing is how I've
always found my personal ecstasy, my inner peace, and I wanted to shed a
final bit of sweat and tears as tribute to the place. Seemed only fitting."
(Field Notes, February 21, 2004)
I learned ballet from my aunt, who is one of the most gifted women I know. In my
dance classes, she always pushed us to perform, to improve, and to test ourselves. She
often said, "If it hurts, you're doing it right!" to help us understand when our bodies were
being strained to the proper degree. These challenges were issued in a way that was
encouraging, positive, and healthy - usually mixed with a sense of humor - and we became
better artists, stronger athletes, and more expressive performers as a result. As I sought to
understand the physical and psychological experience of sadomasochism, I repeatedly came
back to the dance analogy. I imagine that the physical and mental pressures of ballet elicit
a type of "good pain" similar to the masochistic experience.
To the best of my knowledge, no one enjoys pain that arises from an actual medical
procedure. However, different forms of consensual pain that come from certain
sadomasochistic practices can create an adrenaline rush and a feeling of pleasure.
Headspace is a way of describing the state of mind that develops while engaging in BDSM
play. It is both emotional and physical, exhibiting endorphin production similar to a
"runner's high." Headspace is highly varied, situational, and personal. Practitioners

12

These field notes were written after the closing night of Dominion.

79

experience it in different ways, and require uniquely individualized forms of stimulus to

reach the desired headspace.

cultural shaping of emotional response

According to some researchers, every human being is hard-wired for the existence
of certain emotional states (Lutz and White 1986:407). However, these natural human
emotions are not displayed universally. What one culture defines as a certain feeling might
not exist as an emotional category in another language. An emotion commonly recognized
in more than one culture could be indicated by completely different facial expressions,
behaviors, or talk. Further, men and women within the same cultural group may exhibit
disparate behaviors for the same emotion.
Such differences result from cultural schemas for emotion and from the display
rules put in place by these schemas. The emotions present in human beings are shaped by
several factors, resulting in a flow of emotion similar to the diagram below.
Figure 7.1: The Flow of Emotion (Heider 1991:7)

antecedent
event

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The antecedent event is the occurrence that leads to the production of emotion. The
antecedent event could be someone's death, theft of a goat, or the announcement of a tag
sale. How this event is culturally constructed, whether it is an occasion for joy, despair, or
apathy, affects the person's perception of and reaction to the event. An inner state results
in the individual, and this can be altered by cultural schemas for the manifestation and
performance of emotions. When language is added to the model, it also shapes the way an
individual expresses emotion. Heider's model is useful in understanding the emotional
experience understood as BDSM headspace.

energy exchange
"Brad and I sat and talked for a while, almost an hour altogether, with Gina
and Sybil at our feet, relaxing and being goofy. Sybil complained about her
inability to focus during a scene, to which Brad responded that she wasn't
supposed to. 'It's your job to lose focus - it's our job to keep it. Now is
when the tops lose focus!' This was said after a particularly goofy comment
on his part, but I don't remember what. At one point Gina needed to go
home and Brad checked her sobriety, jokingly but with seriousness, to make
sure she was down from her headspace enough to drive safely. He made
her walk a straight line, stand on one foot, etc. Quite amusing to all of us."
(Field Notes, June 12, 2004)
I asked interview participants about the types of headspace they experienced during
BDSM play. Their answers related to varying motivations for engaging in BDSM activities,
and they spoke to the different ways BDSM is experienced: mental, spiritual, erotic, sexual,
or therapeutic. Different modes of operating and feeling produce different headspaces.
The following examples, taken from interview transcripts and field notes, demonstrate the
physical manifestations of inner emotional states.

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"You mentioned headspace. That's kind of on a more personal level, and

that's kind of hard for me to get into without a long term [relationship].
When I was collared, my domme after a few sessions she was able to get me
into that, a deep headspace almost every time. She said that when I got into
a headspace I looked stoned, and I can kinda feel it, because when I was in
deep headspace I would have a very hard time making coherent sentences.
Outside of that there've been a few times, a few scenes with women that I've
known for a while. I did not see them regularly, but we have a strong
friendship, and when we did scene together they were able to make a
sensual side to it that I don't normally get and it kinda clicked that strong
headspace."
(Mark, Interview)
Mark's words speak to the vulnerability of becoming deeply submissive to another
individual. The power exchange of dominance and submission takes place largely in the
mind, where creative fantasies can plunge someone into an intense feeling of trust and
companionship. Many dominants seek this sort of reaction from their submissive play
partners. Brad flatly stated, "I don't play with people that don't give energy back" because
he found it frustrating to have a one-sided interaction (Interview).
As I became more comfortable with my place in the Atlanta BDSM community, I
slowly learned enough to undertake a bit of play as a participant observer. From my
firsthand experiences, I started to understand the importance of such an energy exchange.
At one meeting of the NewCrop group, I was approached by Yvonne about engaging in a
scene with her. She was one of the group's organizers who had been very supportive of my
research efforts, and she had become a friend I trusted and respected. I was flattered by
her request, and agreed to top her. We chatted at length prior to our scene, and I asked
about her preferences, limits, and so forth. The topic of energy exchange came up in our
conversation:

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"I told her that I always had a balance, between good and bad sensations,
meaning that when I did something painful I would reward her with
something that felt good. She grinned and nodded that she understood.
She had told me when she asked me about the scene that she had just
finished topping a few people, so she needed that energy back - I trust that
with her considerable experience as a top she knew where I was coming
from."
(Field Notes, May 8, 2004)
In this case, the balance of mental energy that Yvonne needed to reach a positive
headspace came from switching roles, and from playing "on the bottom" so to speak, after
being the top in other scenes. At one point she asked to lay flat, telling me that she "could
get into a floatier headspace" in that position (Field Notes, May 8, 2004).
The balance and inner calm that Yvonne sought represents one end of the
headspace spectrum. Others sought the endorphin rush of heavy pain play. At this level of
physical intensity, reactions varied tremendously. In one case, I watched someone's stoic
response to a play piercing scene, in which the only physical evidence of his inner state was
the dilation of his pupils:
"Her first taker was a heavily tattooed man with dark hair, a ski cap on,
crooked teeth, and a charming frequent smile. He struck me as someone
with a tough exterior but a very gentle nature underneath. I liked him
immediately, perhaps because he reminded me of several friends I've had in
the piercing/tattooing scene - or perhaps because of his taste in music.
Either way, he took his coat and shirt off, after they talked for a while, and
she eventually placed eight needles on each side of his chest, midway
between his nipples and his collarbones, in a starburst pattern. She started
with longer needles with aqua green hubs in a plus-sign formation, then
filled in the x-sign angles with shorter needles that had pink hubs. I was
sitting about ten or fifteen feet away, so I can't guess what gauge they were.
He took it all with a smile, seemingly unfazed except for the slight change in
his pupils that comes from the endorphin rush of such things."
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)

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The man in this example exhibited a highly controlled emotional response to the stimulus
of the needles. The headspace and outward emotional displays of other players were quite
different.
Consider the following example of a dramatic emotional display, which took place
during a play party that followed a large, regional, annual BDSM convention. Unlike the
majority of the NewCrop group meetings I attended, this play party was open to anyone
who had attended the convention or was a card-carrying member of a recognized
community organization. The attendance at this event was enormous; people filled all of
the available play spaces at the facility, and cars overflowed the parking lot onto the street
for several blocks.
"When I took my quick trip around the main room, I noticed most of the
play spaces were already taken up, including the two side rooms that were
open. Most notable, to my eye, was a scene going on in the piece I know as
'the gazebo' in the middle of the room. A trio was at work/play there: a
heavy-set attractive blonde woman, who looked to be in her late thirties or
so, was standing in the gazebo. She had approximately 2" long needles in
her skin on her arms, chest, and hips. The needles were attached to the
eyebolts in the gazebo using black monofilament - at first I thought they
were just clamps. The domme was a middle aged woman with short curly
salt and pepper hair, olive skin, and a prominent jaw, wearing a black
leather corset and skirt. She had an acrylic cane she was tapping the
monofilament with, rhythmically moving from one strand to another, as if
the woman were a human dulcimer. The bottom was making incredible
sounds, animal ones, really, grunting each time the strands were struck.
Her fists were in balls, her eyes wild, and she changed to shouting 'y e s '
when the top began flogging her heavily, two-handed, over her shoulders."
(Field Notes, June 12, 2004)
Master R, a dominant I know in the Northeast, refers to "bringing out the beast" within
the submissives that he trains. He explained to me that we all have this inner animal, and
once it is unleashed, our desires and appetites for things (such as sex, food, sensation, etc.)

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become insatiable. The woman's inner beast emerged in the gazebo scene, and her
outward emotional display was evidence of her inner state or headspace.
Pain produces intense headspace, and brings the mind and the body into synch in
unusual ways. Escape from identity awareness is one possible motivation for experiencing
intense pain.
"To sum up: Masochistic pain may function as a technique for removing
higher-level self-awareness, while promoting a low-level awareness of self as
physical object. Pain brings self-awareness down from symbolic identity to
physical body."
(Baumeister 1988:39)
Baumeister argues that pain has the capability of freeing the social mind, which supports
the argument of "unleashing the inner beast." Scarry also writes about the ability of pain
to reduce an individual to a primitive, pre-linguistic state of mind:
"Physical pain does not simply resist language but actively destroys it,
bringing about an immediate reversion to a state anterior to language, to
the sounds and cries a human being makes before language is learned."
(Scarry 1985:4)

playing mind games

Some scenes I observed were more subtle, evidencing neither the "floatier
headspace" Yvonne described nor the wildness of the "inner animal." Tops often play
subtle games with their bottoms, in an effort to elicit a particular response or to push the
boundaries of their play partners. At times, the top can see things that the bottom cannot,
and this may be used to the top's advantage:
"The dom was incredibly skilled, first of all, working the woman over with a
number of difficult implements, including two-handed floggers and a short
singletail (the room wasn't big enough for anything terribly long). He also

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had a wonderful sense of mind control, playing little games with her to
push her buttons. At one point he had a large multi-bladed knife he
threatened her with, holding it in front of her face so she could see it
(charmingly enough - she couldn't, and he brought back her glasses for a
moment so she could) then raking the dull side of it over her back when she
clearly thought it would be sharp. After a moment of this, once she had
relaxed and gotten used to the idea, he turned to the sharp side, telling her
firmly to be still (she was quite squirmy otherwise) and delicately raking it
over her skin."
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)
The implement resembled a claw from a science fiction or horror film, with several large
knives where there would be fingers. One side of the device was dangerously sharp, but the
back side of it was quite dull and perfectly safe to use on the skin. What the bottom didn't
realize was that the top's first few strokes with the device were limited to the dull side of
the blades. Only once she processed this fact and realized she was safe, did he actually use
the sharp edges of the implement.
Other times, the mental games are more overt, open to plain view of both play
partners, and in this case, the audience of the workshop being taught:
"Next, she brings out a cupping set, which is a traditional Asian medical
device that produces pressure. She explains a traditional fire cupping set
then tells us that this is the same thing, but without the fire. She puts it on
his balls and he looks pleasantly puzzled, 'I'm not sure how I feel about
this.' Lolita is delighted to have found something new to experiment,
saying how much she enjoys the 'mad scientist role play.'"
(Field Notes, April 9, 2004)
The wide range of possible power exchange activities in BDSM provides ample opportunity
for such experimentation.

In traditional fire cupping, alcohol is poured into the cups, lit on fire, and the cups are placed on the skin.
The fire consumes the oxygen and burns out, creating suction. Newer cupping sets use a handheld device to
create suction manually.

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Only one person I interviewed mentioned drug use as an aspect of his BDSM
explorations. The following is an excerpt from the transcript of my interview with
Cameron and his partner Gabby:
"C: When it comes being beaten to a bloody pulp, I think the first time
was back then I was doing lots of drugs. I mean lots of drugs. Okay, usually
when I was doing the stage shows I was [taking drugs], so when this
happened, it got really weird, and so it was just like, I was in this different
realm, and it was strange because I was onstage and I had all these lights on
me and I saw the crowd, I heard the music, I heard the voices, and it just,
putting it all together at the time? I was there, but I was not there, so for
me it was changing my perspective on things.
E: Could you have gotten that kind of a rush without the drugs?
C: The drugs and the pain? The combo was what I think was the clincher.
Just the drugs was fun, just the pain was fun, added the two together? It
was like you know, boom and then after I quit doing the drugs and so forth
even now I enjoy getting hit a lot. The physical pain is a lot much easier to
deal with than emotional pain, and when you have lots of physical pain,
your endorphins are going, your chemicals are hitting the brain. Your
mind's able a little bit to stand more, you know, I mean five minutes, give
me like ten minutes after being beaten, I'm up and about going doot-dodoo-do-doo-do-doo and all hyper again.
G: Sometimes you're not, depends how hard I hit you.
C: Yeah, depends if I can walk.
G: Yeah, you couldn't walk this afternoon.
E: You didn't seem to be limping in the door. Both of you walked in the door
perfectly fine, so I'm assuming there were no permanent injuries.
C: <laughs and nods>"
(Cameron and Gabby, Interview)
Despite popular media representations to the contrary, I would consider the presence of
drugs in a BDSM scene to be an unusual exception to the rule. Community standards of
safety and consent were widely followed, as mentioned in Chapters Eight and Twenty-Two.

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One warm spring day in April, I had an interview with a gentleman named Bart,
who I had met several months prior via a mutual acquaintance. We got together at a steak
restaurant in what's known as Atlanta's gay neighborhood, and he offered to treat me to
lunch, since I was a "starving college student" and he had "a real paycheck and a real job,
young lady" (Bart, Personal Communication). Bart is a self-described spanking fetishist
who asked me to use his nickname rather than a pseudonym. He publishes stories in
spanking magazines internationally, and expressed his desire to be open about his interests.
Over the next few days, I received a series of emails from Bart, elaborating on his interview
responses and clarifying his answers. In one of the emails, he described his headspace in
detail, explaining what motivated him to pursue being spanked. Although this excerpt is
lengthy, I have chosen not to truncate it and risk diminishing the impact and integrity of
Bart's words:
"It is highly charged and extremely sexual. It is sensuous. It is a
little embarrassing to be exposed and vulnerable. I've often wondered as an
executive and as an Aries, getting spanked allows me to escape for a little
while. I am relieved of being in control albeit even if just for a few
moments. I adore the feeling of my bare skin touching the bare skin of a
lady's thighs. I want badly to feel a lady's hand on my bottom. I anticipate
to the point of grand exhilaration that moment when the lady actually starts
spanking. It is a terrific feeling when she pauses every so often to run [her
hand over] the bottom skin. It is even more thrilling if she allows her hand
or fingers to get close to and even touch my anus and my testicles.
I had one female friend who enjoyed spanking me. While I was
across her lap, she made me spread my legs enough so that she could see my
anus, testicles and I guess at times, my penis. She paused frequently and
would fondle these areas. . . gently. Once she had gotten me relaxed, she
would immediately start spanking me again very hard. She would alternate
so that I was tensed up from the sting and then relaxed from her softer
touch in sensitive areas. I love it when a woman spanks with her hand until
her hand is (maybe) worn out and sore, and, she switches to an instrument
or implement such as a leather paddle or a hairbrush. Perhaps her hand is

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not sore. . . and she just wants to use something that is more effective in
reddening my bottom.
The classic over-the-knee position is the best. It is what I think
about when I daydream or fantasize about spanking. All of this leads to the
'why', I believe. All of these sensory and mental feelings combined to give
me a rush of sorts. While not a sexual climax of the traditional sense, the
feelings are quite similar. I've had spankings or strappings that while they
were occurring I wanted them to end. When they ended, I wanted them to
not stop.. . I wanted more. It almost falls into the love/hate category."
(Bart, email correspondence, April 2004)
During scenes that were limited to bondage, intense physical restriction appeared
to be the goal of the activity. Participants described seeking a particular headspace that was
achieved through giving up control of their body postures and pushing the limits of their
flexibility. Hannah is a young woman who functions in the corporate world during the
day, and spends her weekends performing onstage with the Hedonists at Dominion. She is
also an internationally known latex fetish model and a lifestyle submissive with a penchant
for rope bondage.
"For me, going into the ropes, especially before a rope suspension is
probably the closest thing to a spiritual experience that I've felt. . . I think
it's the fact that you can move but you can't move. You're restrained but
you're not. Your physical body is retrained but you know that your mental
isn't. It's like for me, you can actually let go. And that's, I guess that's
where I have found, especially when you're working with someone that
really knows ropes and knows what they're doing and their ties, and
especially with suspension you can actually let go. . . When I have a really
intense suspension, when I come out, I am like 5 years old. 1 talk really,
really quiet. I don't want to say 'childish,' it's childlike. . . I think what it
is, is the fact that your physical body is your strength, and I think so many
people are afraid to let go. Once you can't actually physically move, and
you realize that, then you have to."
(Hannah, Interview)
As described by Hannah, BDSM can be spiritual in nature and evoke headspace
that is both therapeutic and freeing. During interviews, 1 asked participants if they had

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experienced anything in BDSM play that they viewed as spiritual or ritualistic in nature.
Of all the questions I asked, this elicited the fewest clear responses. Many people expressed
confusion that I would ask such a thing, or simply responded with answers indicating they
were not religious. However, the few positive responses I received were so emphatic that I
felt compelled to relate them here.

liminal space, spirituality and ritual

"Submission is a turning away from the social and a penetration into a
sacrosanct internal space. This may be why many submissives compare their
erotic experience to a religious or spiritual surrender. The surrender is a
means of achieving a kind of freedom from ego, a condition where one is
completely trusting and undefensive."
(Brame, et al. 1993:74)
Like Hannah, Anna performed with the Hedonists when I first met her. During
our interview, she talked at length about the spiritual element of BDSM.
"There is a spirituality about it. The headspace that it could
possibly get you into, I think provided the situation was right, the people
were right and whatever. And you can have that kind of attachment with
that person too.. It'd have to be a shared thing. This is what it's all about
after all, the trust between two people and those two people need to - if it's
going to be spiritual. . . if one is, and the other isn't, it's not going down as
far as it needs to go.
An example is whirling dervishes, when they dance, when they spin,
they go into a trance. Runners get the runner's high. I know that my father
had really incredible thought patterns that would just blow my mind when
he would come back from running. And I know from my doing rituals,
from being in headspace, from running, from working out. They are
similar, but if you are going into it with a sort reverent, ritualistic way of
doing things. That's what you're looking for, it can be exceedingly spiritual,
die love and trust between two people can be that in itself, to whatever you
believe in, you can make an offering of that act, as a sacrificial act, as a gift
to whatever, whoever deity you believe in."
(Anna, Interview)

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I responded to her explanation, saying that as an anthropologist I've learned about world
religions, and that many spiritual systems have forms of bodily offering. Anna mentions
the Sun Dance, piercings, and flesh offerings. I commented that Western religions are
detached from the body and focused on denying bodily impulses, so it's essential for
BDSM participants who are involved with the body to critically examine that belief. Her
response:
"On this plane, our bodies are attached to our spirit. We have to get over
it, and figure out, they can actually work together! I can actually work on
my body, my mind, and my soul at the same time."
(Anna, Interview)
Catherine echoed Anna's sentiments about the potentially ritualistic nature of some
BDSM interactions. She added:
"There are very good reasons why ritual works - it's called repetition.
When things sound the same and move the same, it lulls us into a quieter
headspace. The street noise and the white noise of our lives and the things
we live in start to quiet and go away. Our focus changes."
(Catherine, Interview)
BDSM scenes can be compared to rites of passage, and headspace is a form of
liminal space. Van Gennep described rites of passage as having three phases: separation,
margin or limen, and aggregation (1960). In the first phase, ritual participants are detached
and symbolically (sometimes also physically) removed from society at large. The second
phase, or liminal phase, places the participants in a grey area of ambiguous social standing.
During the third phase, participants reenter society anew, in a different status than before.
Turner elaborates on Van Gennep's notion of ritual, describing members of stage two as
existing in a liminal state that is "betwixt and between" other cultural roles (1969:95).

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Liminal persona are separate from the rest of society, existing in a distinct group, in
which a feeling of camaraderie or communitas is formed. Communitas refers to the sense of
community that emerges among participants of a ritual. Anna had a unique perspective
both on the spiritual element of BDSM and on the role of the stage in establishing a
liminal space for the performers.
"I think it helps, with the headspace that way. You kind of know where you
are going, and most of the people with whom I've worked, we kept
everything pretty much up onstage. I never heard, there were a lot of times
that I would get so far into it, that I never heard what even happened when
we walked onstage or what the audience reaction was. I'd hear it once I got
off, and for the most part it was favorable, but we pretty much kept I guess
in our own little bubble onstage. I could have cared less what was going on
during it, outside of it, though I wanted the audience. . . to react well to it
and to get into a secretive headspace with us. So that we could find some
way to - I guess it's similar to having an actor onstage portraying a certain
emotion and having the audience feel it too. But there's still that fourth
wall up - that voyeuristic quality to it."
(Anna, Interview)
In this example, Anna expressed her desire for the audience members to become part of a
"secretive headspace" and become engaged in the feeling of communitas the performers
shared onstage.
I believe that participants in BDSM scenes create the feeling of communitas
offstage as well. Play facilitates bonding between individuals. The vulnerable, liminal
headspace that submissives may experience is counteracted by the aftercare a dominant
gives. If the bottom or submissive is analogous to the ritual inductant (to use Turner's
terminology), then the dominant or top can be compared to the shaman or ritual
facilitator. Thus, the dominant carries the submissive into and out of liminal space and
watches over the ritual journey, all the while controlling the experience for the submissive.

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II. Activities
8. Risk and Ethics
The ability to "let go" or escape from reality through the headspace of BDSM can
be a freeing, exhilarating experience for scene practitioners. The desire for relaxation and
stress relief is a great motivator. However, the many positive elements of BDSM exist in a
balance with the potential for risk and harm. Members of the BDSM community are well
aware of the physical and emotional risks involved with play, and make every effort to
ensure health and safety. In this chapter, I discuss the potential for mental and physical
risk that many BDSM practitioners face. I outline community ethics for safe play and
ideologies of risk acceptance.

safe, sane, consensual

Members of the BDSM community abide by a shared ethical standard for behavior
referred to as the leather code. The leather code is the motto of "safe, sane, and
consensual." Safety refers to the physical well-being of scene participants. Players engaging
in risky activities take measures to ensure that although their play partners may experience
physical hurt or pain, they do not experience bodily harm or injury.14 Sane play is intended
to be positive for the mental and emotional health of both partners. BDSM is therapeutic
for many individuals, and personal motivations for engagement in scenes are diverse.
Consensual is a mutually agreed upon standard for conduct. According to the leather code,
all participants in a BDSM scene must consent to the activities they experience.

O n e author explains that dominants often compete to be the safest (Rubin 1982).

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Consent is complex and relative. Two strangers meeting at a play party who choose
to engage in a scene will generally go through elaborate negotiations before they play. On
the other hand, a couple in a long-term relationship involving dominance and submission
may have loose guidelines that they follow, often at the discretion of the dominant.
Certain standards for consent are constant and non-negotiable. Children, animals, and
individuals incapable of giving proper consent are never to be involved in BDSM scenes.
At every play party I have attended, in Atlanta and elsewhere, the hosts enforced a
certain standard of conduct. Private parties often have house rules posted, elaborating the
basic standard of "safe, sane, and consensual" along with any specific rules relevant to the
household. I attended one party in New York where the list of house rules included the
directive, "Do not scene with the cats." Although intended somewhat tongue-in-cheek,
apparently one of the host couple's cats had wandered into a BDSM scene at a previous
party and found itself accidentally acquainted with a roll of bondage tape. The hosts never
knew whether the accident was the fault of the cat or the guests.
Play parties at semi-public venues are generally more specific about outlining rules.
I use the term "semi-public" to describe a location that is closed to minors or nonmembers. A BDSM organization may rent a large facility for meetings, in which case
members of the organization are welcome, even if they are not among the facility's private
membership. First-time attendees of NewCrop meetings had to sign a copy of the facility's
dungeon rules, present identification for age verification purposes, and receive a brief
orientation on safety. House rules were very clear and specific, and dungeon monitors

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enforced them rigorously. NewCrop meeting attendees seemed generally pleased with the
rules of the facility, although there were a few exceptions.
"Another person talking with us was into edge play, particularly fisting and
heavy vaginal play, which he griped weren't allowed at the venue. He
lamented the passing of Purgatory Dungeon, where, as he explained,
'Anything went. They trusted that if you were there to do something you
knew how to do it. And if you didn't, they'd stop you.'"
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)
Apparently the owner of the facility I refer to as Purgatory Dungeon was a heavy lifestyle
leather top, and a member of the Old Guard. Unfortunately, Purgatory closed shortly after
my arrival in Atlanta, so I was never able to see those players in action.
The only other negative feedback I heard about the safety measures at NewCrop
meetings pertained to a specific person chosen as a dungeon monitor.
"We talked about our lives outside of BDSM, since she is in school too, and
about scenes in general. We were also asked to talk more quietly by the
female dungeon monitor. This got chuckles from everyone seated on the
edge of the table watching ('Yeah, cuz they want privacy and quiet when
they're doing public scenes!' and 'What's she gonna do? Tell that girl to
spank her more quietly?' and the like). By the end of the evening, I realized
that *no one* appreciated the dungeon monitor's presence."
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)
The Master who gave me a tour of the facility had pointed out the other dungeon monitor
at the beginning of the evening. He informed me that she had over thirty years of scene
experience, but she looked so hostile that I never summoned the courage to introduce
myself. I never saw her at another meeting of NewCrop, although she was present for
other functions held at the facility.

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Although I present a more elaborate discussion of community standards for

behavior in Chapter Twenty-Two, one example bears mention here. In addition to the
leather code, members of the BDSM community also share a notion of risk acceptance.
"Another thing Peggy mentioned [she asked me to use her real name] was
the idea of 'risk acceptance' rather than safety. She said the term safety was
misleading because all sadomasochistic activity inherently involves a level of
risk. It is simply up to practitioners as intelligent adults to know,
understand, and agree to those risks as partners. Risk acceptance is
personal, relative, and contextual. The emphasis in terms of compatibility
was on shared or similar levels of risk acceptance, so that players are on the
same level of risk footing, so to speak."
(Field Notes, April 9, 2004)
BDSM scenes involve acceptable levels of risk, which must be mutually agreed upon by all
participants, whether the interaction is limited to a brief scene or a long-term relationship
dynamic.
Surprisingly, the topic of legal risks rarely arose in conversations. The majority of
BDSM play takes place in private homes or semi-public adult environments. Drug use is
very rare, and alcohol is prohibited at most play spaces, with the notable exception of
Dominion. The amount of intense play I observed in different locations was inversely
related to on-site alcohol consumption. Bars like Dominion had stage shows but very little
serious play, whereas BDSM scenes were central at alcohol-free spaces such as 1009.
Jen was the owner of a commercial dungeon facility, and she gave a presentation on
professional dominance to the NewCrop group. She explained the differences between
lifestyle and professional dominance, both from her personal experiences and from
technical and legal perspectives. She mentioned the legal risks involved in her job:
"You don't usually sue your partner. Anybody can sue anybody for
anything nowadays. It's the United States! Freedom of speech - even in

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front of a judge! <laughs> As far as being a pro, you've gotta know you're
running a business. It's like if you cook at home and you spill something
on the floor, and somebody slips and falls, nine times outta ten they ain't
gonna sue you. If you slip and fall in a restaurant, oh, you've got whiplash
and everything else. . . People will try to capitalize on a market space versus
a personal space. Because, if it's a business, therefore people have got
money, as far as people are concerned."
(Jen, Interview)
Jen also talked about the diverse equipment professional dungeons have on premises, and
the large skill-set her employees were required to have, joking that a professional Mistress
must be "skilled in their own kink, plus everybody else's kink."

mental and emotional risks

Headspace poses its own unique set of inherent dangers. Chapter Seven
acknowledged the vulnerability that can come with an intense submissive headspace, citing
Mark's narrative as one example. Later in our conversation, Mark elaborated upon the
dangers of falling deeply into headspace, often at inopportune times.
"When I get into that headspace, if I need to, I can force myself out of it.
The problem is, it's easy for me to slip back into it, and there have been
times where I was thinking back to that moment and how she pushed my
buttons, and I start to find myself start to slip back. Another time it was
about a week or so after that happened, I was driving down the highway,
thought of that moment and slipped into it and it scared the hell out of me
because here I was driving and I'm going into this, almost getting into this
semi-stoned state. Fortunately I had some cds with me popped 'em in, and
started listening to them. She was die singer in a band and I had that
band's cd with her singing. I don't know why that snapped me out of it
because it was her voice on it."
(Mark, Interview)
Obviously the interstate is not where one should be experiencing a distracting emotional
headspace, particularly given the dangers of Atlanta traffic.

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Headspace is also situational. Whereas Mark expressed a difficulty in controlling

the depths of his submissive headspace, Hannah described the necessity of maintaining
control. When I asked her about her experiences as a professional submissive, she
expressed concern over the degree of headspace those scenes allowed her to achieve.
"It's a little bit different. I find myself to be a little bit more self-conscious. .
. and a little bit more shy because you don't really know the person. I don't
really allow myself to get into a headspace because they don't know how to
read my body, and I have to be able to read my body for them to let them
know, 'Hey, stop.' I mean, you still get a little bit of an adrenaline rush but
it's still like a mind control kind of thing. It's like you know when you let
go, and you know when you can't."
(Hannah, Interview)
Hannah's ability to control the emotional manifestation of her submissive experience
served as a protective mechanism, which could potentially guard her from overzealous play
partners.
Another submissive woman faced difficulties stemming from her inability to gauge
the depths of her own submission. During one of our conversations, Sybil told me about a
negative experience she had with a new play partner. In response, I offered some of the
knowledge I had gained from interviews with other submissives, in hopes of shielding her
from further dangers.
"On the downside, she explained, 'Anyone can do anything to me
when I'm in a submissive headspace - I didn't realize I was that submissive.'
I smirked at this (because I realized it earlier) and went over some good
safety practices for a starting submissive: play with close trusted associates,
or at least have a trusted friend observe for your safety, outline limits
thoroughly and refuse to play with someone who doesn't respect those
limits, make sure you have good aftercare with either a friend or (preferably)
the top who worked on you, etc. She agreed that she had taken most of
these precautions, but that her friends weren't quite nearby all the time.
She also had a bad experience with a so-called Master and a violet
wand. She said that he couldn't answer her questions about it, which made

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her nervous. Further, she wanted to know about it without necessarily

feeling it, but he kept touching her with it anyway. Luckily she knew
enough to know this wasn't cool. I told her some basic info about the
devices, which are annoying to me because of the way that they feel, but
they are totally safe on all of the body, except for eyes of course."
(Field Notes, February 16, 2004)
Sybil's comments speak to the importance of self-awareness, and the valuable role that
friends can play in protecting one another from harmful influences.

trauma and regression

In addition to role play scenarios of dominance and submission, some practitioners
of BDSM develop persona for scenes. Persona are alternate personalities that individuals
may act out in certain situations.15 One specialized form of role play is referred to as age
play, in which consenting adults act out the role of younger people. Advocates of age play,
who call themselves littles, only interact with other consenting adults in their BDSM scenes.
Age players should not be confused with less scrupulous individuals who engage in erotic
acts with minors.
I attended one workshop on age play, held during the Dreamplay convention. I
had no prior experience with this form of BDSM, and nobody I interviewed specifically
expressed any personal interest in age play. It is a common misconception that most
BDSM practitioners are victims of sexual abuse, who use their erotic interests as a means of
coping with childhood trauma. I found this to be untrue, based on participants' stories of
their childhoods and their early interests in BDSM. As an interesting aside, many players

I explore persona in detail in Chapter Thirteen.

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have educational backgrounds in the social sciences, and have a remarkable awareness of
human emotion.
Sensitivity to emotional distress was evident in the age play workshop. Consider
the following excerpt from my field notes:
"One example: a top told a story about a bottom who thought she was in
adult headspace, but when she got told a bit of bad news she was
inconsolable, and clearly was responding as though she was in child
headspace. In order to console her, he said that he had to think as though
he was dealing with an upset child. So he gave her a piece of chocolate,
telling her it was 'magic chocolate' and that it would make everything
better. Apparently this worked."
(Field Notes, April 10, 2004)
The top in this story showed both sensitivity and creative responsiveness to a unique
dilemma. His emotional tool kit included two different approaches to one individual, and
he utilized an interactional approach that was specifically keyed to the bottom's needs.
Several participants in the workshop emphasized the importance of constancy and
emotional support in maintaining a healthy age play relationship.
"[The moderator of the panel] asked about trauma - how is it dealt with in
little headspace? Lady Catherine said that she has a protective place, usually
her lap, for her children. She stressed the importance of validating their
feelings through language and tone: 'I respect you and this is real' etc. Lady D
elaborated that this is psychological, not play, if you hit a dark place. She
said that if she was playing Mommy with someone who wasn't hers
(meaning, not collared or owned or whatnot) they set a contingency plan
ahead of time just in case."
(Field Notes, April 10, 2004)
BDSM practitioners engaging in the bodily play of sadomasochism are always prepared for
environmental or medical emergencies. However, mental or emotional emergencies can
also happen. Contingency plans are a critical aspect of role play or age play scene
negotiation.

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physical safety
"Recent evidence suggests that masochists do not seek failure, harm, or
injury. It appears that masochists persistently seek pain but carefully avoid
injury."
(Baumeister 1988:33)
Sadomasochistic play requires specialized knowledge, particularly in regards to
hygiene and disease prevention. For example, certain types of medical scenes require the
establishment of a sterile field. In one workshop, the presenter talked specifically about
urethral play, and the dangers of attempting such activities without expert guidance.
"Next, Lolita16 explains urethral play, basically saying that because inserting
anything into the urethra is invasive, that this play is only to be done by
someone trained. For using urethral dilators/sounds, which are metal rods
that 'contrary to popular belief you do not shove into the penis - they slide
down into it' (paraphrasing), you should start with catheters. First off, they
are flexible and less prone to causing damage internally. Second, they are
sterile out of the package and disposable, unlike sounds which must be
autoclaved for sterility prior to each use. She instructs to use sterile gloves
for this type of play, and says that she will give interested parties further
instruction on creating a sterile field. She says this could be its own demo
for an hour or two."
(Field Notes, April 9, 2004)
She told the audience of the CBT workshop at Dreamplay that urethral insertions
belonged to a separate workshop, and invited audience members to speak with her
privately if they were interested in instruction.
Other workshop presenters stressed the importance of practicality in high-risk
BDSM scenes. Urethral insertions carry the risk of introducing dangerous pathogens into
a body cavity. Play involving needles carries a different set of risks. Disease transmission is

16

Peggy, Lolita, and Catherine are nationally-known BDSM educators. I am using their names, rather than
giving them pseudonyms, to ensure they receive proper credit for their ideas and workshop materials.

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obviously an issue, but sterile conditions are not necessary, because the bottom is only
receiving the equivalent of a pin prick.
"Catherine begins her presentation with a discussion about safety. She tells
us, 'Do not confuse this with safe sex,' explaining that ' y u will get stuck
eventually,' because everyone does. She tells us to understand the risks
involved. The first thing to keep in mind is that you should have a clean
environment, and she tells us that 'sterile is not possible,' not in a home or
play space, but that 'clean' is a reasonable goal. Always use gloves, and
know where your gloves have been. An open box of gloves is open to any
airborne bacteria, and the box touches whatever surfaces it's placed on. She
explains that we are only dealing with pinpricks here, so play piercing is
invasive, but not overwhelmingly so. In other words, she explains that you
are generally okay on germs unless something touches the tip of the
needle."
(Field Notes, April 10, 2004)
By clarifying that everyone involved with needle play has the potential to receive an
accidental needle stick, she is referencing the ideology of risk acceptance.
During the same workshop, the presenter also discussed the issue of disease
transmission as it related to BDSM play involving blood. The primary message to the
audience involved preventative planning. She encouraged everyone in the BDSM
community to obtain hepatitis vaccines, and she emphasized the importance of having
appropriate equipment on hand, in case of accidental needle sticks.
"She discussed the tendency we have to be 'alarmist' regarding disease risks,
saying that we should instead be realistic about things. HIV dies quickly in
air, so that isn't really a major concern. The thing to be worried about
instead is hepatitis, which is virulent and stable for long periods in air,
reactivated by any moisture. Luckily there is a vaccine for hepatitis, which
she encouraged anyone playing with blood to get. It's effective for 96% of
the population, so odds are it will be useful. She also suggested keeping
cutters on hand for needles in case of sticks, rather than having to draw a
needle back through the skin, etc."
(Field Notes, April 10, 2004)

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Proactive risk management strategies are crucial to minimizing BDSM scene emergencies.
However, even the safest players eventually face accidents. Proper preparation reduces the
trauma participants experience.
I have mentioned the importance of proper breathing, both in allowing the body to
process physical sensations, and in achieving a headspace during play. Understanding
proper breathing has a third purpose, and it relates to bodily emergencies. The following is
another excerpt of my field notes from the Dreamplay piercing workshop:
"She encourages us to know the symptoms or signs of shock and fainting,
using an audience member to demonstrate breathing modification
techniques: stand behind the bottom, with your stomach to their back, and
hug them with your arms under their ribcage. Breathe slowly and deeply,
and they will match your breathing patterns. She even asked the girl why
she breathed along with her, since she didn't explain what she was doing
before she did it. The girl said she didn't even know, which drove home
the point of how automatic it is. (I learned this lesson in the hospital after
my first back surgery. I was having problems resuming normal breathing.
My dad stood with me for hours, holding my hand, and taking slow, deep
breaths when my monitor showed I was slowing down. It worked.)"
(Field notes, April 10, 2004)
Not all scene interruptions are traumatic or serious, but even minor disruptions
can be cause for alarm. During one scene, crisis was averted by the intrepid ethnographer.
A male dominant and his female friend, a novice who was learning technique, were
dripping hot wax on a female submissive. They had lit the body waxing candles from a
silver decorative candle that was already burning on a shelf in the room.
"They then proceeded to drip wax on her back and shoulders, the woman
cautiously at first, and the dom warned her to keep an eye on where the
flame was, not just on where the wax was falling. She nodded, realizing she
had almost lit the girl's hair on fire. After a moment of this, I noticed an
odd sound. Almost a hissing. I realized the source was the silver candle
that had been burning, which was now catching totally on fire, only about
two feet away from the woman who was tied up. Calmly, I said, 'Excuse me

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- you might want to blow that other candle out.' The dominant said, 'Nah,
it's okay, it's fine.' I said, 'No really - you need to take a look at it.' He did,
jumped visibly, then started blowing it out. The bottom asked what was
wrong, and the girl and the dominant answered at the same time 'it's on
fire!' and 'nothing - it's fine' respectively. Not knowing which one of them
to listen to, she looked over her shoulder at me, and I smiled calmly at her.
There really wasn't anything for her to worry about, but the idea of a fire is
always scary, especially when you're naked and bound, 1 would imagine.
Once the fire was under control, the dom looked pointedly at me, and gave
me a serious 'thank you very much for letting me know.' I nodded and said
'no problem.' They went back to waxing her."
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)
What I found most notable in this example is the difference in responses given to the
concerned bottom. Notice that the top, an experienced player, responded in a calm
manner, to reassure his play partner. The other woman did not yet understand the
potential vulnerability of the bottom's current headspace. She replied honesdy, but
without considering the impact of her answer. Responding to a potential emergency in a
calm fashion is the most effective means of maintaining a safe headspace for everyone
involved.
Periodically, there are times when a player chooses to throw caution to the wind,
although these instances stand out in my field notes as exceptions to the rule. During the
closing night of the famous fetish bar Dominion, several well-known performers returned
to the stage for a last hurrah. Players were considerably less cautious than usual, which
suited the energy of the crowd and the atmosphere for the evening.
"At this point in the performance, Damien went to the supply tables
downstage left, and collected a few things. He pulled a flogger out of a
bucket, dripping, and the 'in the know' portion of the audience gasped.
We realized what he was about to do - Fire Marshal be damned, he was
about to break a lot of laws and light that flogger on fire. Since the tragic
night club fire in Rhode Island, Atlanta had outlawed indoor pyrotechnics,
and even though contained fire doesn't exactly, technically count as

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pyrotechnics, all such activity had stopped in the subsequent months.

There hadn't been a fire show at Dominion in ages, and he was probably
thinking what the manager was thinking when he decided to serve after
hours: 'Screw it - we're gonna go out with a bang, even if we have to pay a
few fines along the way!'"
(Field Notes, February 21, 2004)

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II. Activities
9. Public, Private, and Performance
"Why is sex supposed to be invisible? Other pleasurable acts or acts of
communication are routinely performed in public - eating, drinking,
talking, watching movies, writing letters, studying or teaching, telling jokes
and laughing, appreciating fine art. Is sex so deadly, hateful, and horrific
that we can't permit it to be seen? Are naked bodies so ugly or so shameful
that we can't survive the sight of bare tushes or genitals without withering
away:
(Califia 1994:81)
The activities I observed in Atlanta most often took place in semi-public venues,
where BDSM scenes were open to the watchful eyes of meeting attendees and fellow
players. As a result, the majority of my field notes describe semi-public scenes. The
preponderance of field notes from meetings, play parties, and stage performances is
misleading, because the imbalance of my data belies the frequency and relative importance
of private BDSM activity. Everyone I interviewed characterized their play as taking place
both in public and in private, but the nature of my access as a researcher limited this
ethnography to a primary focus on semi-public scenes and performances.
During conversations and interviews, I asked participants to describe the nature of
their involvement with BDSM as either public, private, professional, personal, or a
combination thereof. Private play was the most common response, and scenes between
romantic partners or close friends comprised the majority of people's experiences. All but
a few interviewees also participated in semi-public play at meetings, play parties, or other
scene events. In addition, I interviewed several people involved with performance groups
and a few women who were employed as professional dominants or submissives. This

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chapter discusses different degrees of privacy in BDSM scenes. I examine the nature of the
audience and the role of performance, on and off stage.

definitions
BDSM scenes can occur in five different categories of openness:
1. private personal play
2. semi-public scenes
3. public play
4. staged performances
5. professional sessions
Private scenes take place behind closed doors in homes, hotels, or other locations.
Generally the participants are the only ones present, and there are no observers. Private
scenes are by far the most common type of BDSM interactions, and form the foundation
of long-term dominant/submissive relationships. Unfortunately, private play is difficult for
an ethnographer to observe and document. O n numerous occasions, research contacts
described private scenes to me, predominately off-record, in friendly conversations. Out of
respect for their privacy, I never included such personal dialogues in my field notes.
However, everything I experienced inevitably became background information, and these
conversations undoubtedly helped me develop a more nuanced understanding of BDSM.
The majority of my field notes portray semi-public play. Semi-public scenes take
place in locations with somewhat restricted access. At minimum, admission is limited to
adults over the age of eighteen, but venues may have further restrictions based on group
memberships, guest referrals, or other criteria. The degree of voyeurism and performance
varies among different venues. At times, I saw scenes unfold in small rooms adjacent to

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hallways, where observation was restricted to one or two people standing in the doorway.
When it was possible, I tried to take advantage of such positioning. Playing the role of the
voyeur is not a new theme for social scientists researching sexuality. Humphreys utilized
the role in his study of sex in public bathrooms: "In terms of appearance, I assumed the
role of the voyeur - a role superbly suited for sociologists and the only lookout role that is
not overtly sexual" (1975:27-28).
Other times, scenes occurred in a large open area, in plain view of any onlookers. I
have witnessed scenes taking place in front of over a hundred people. To a certain extent,
the specific location chosen for semi-public scenes dictates the size of the potential
audience. However, scene participants are not necessarily "looking for an audience;"
voyeurism is simply part of the bargain one strikes when using a shared facility. Some
players completely ignored their observers, but others played to their audience to different
degrees, acknowledging them with eye contact or vocal interaction.
Only once did I attempt to observe a semi-public scene in which participants had
made a concerted effort to veil their activities. At one play party, three women went into a
large, tiled area that was designated for water sports.11 I watched the women gather around
a plastic chair, which resembled ones I have seen in hospital bathrooms. They promptly
pulled the plastic shower curtains completely closed behind them, so I was unable to view
the remainder of the scene without being intrusive.
Despite the large degree of openness exhibited in some semi-public scenes, the
nature of the observers is inherently restricted. One corollary of the "safe, sane, and

17

Water sports are forms of play involving bodily fluids or other fluids. The two most common forms of water
sports are golden showers, in which a top urinates on a bottom, and enemas.

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consensual" rule is that audiences must also be able to consent. Rarely did I hear of
anyone engaging in heavy sadomasochistic activity in an otherwise "vanilla" atmosphere,
but I did hear a few stories of milder BDSM play taking place in completely open, public
spaces. I interviewed an older gentleman who had over 30 years of involvement with
BDSM. He delighted in bringing his lifestyle out in the open, but this had caused a few
confrontations in the past. For example, consider the following narrative taken from our
interview:
"Well, first of all I try to pick a time when likely it's slow, so we were there
just before closing at 11:00. . . So I am quite careful about that. I have had
female slaves on leashes led through a mall at times. I had the security guy
at <mall name> asked me to take the leash off of the girl. The one at
<another mall name> approached me and said, 'What's this about?' and I
said 'Well, this is our lifestyle.' He said, 'Oh, ok, now I know what to tell
people when they ask me.'"
(Master Bill, Interview)
His good-natured personality undoubtedly contributed to the kindness of security
personnel. O n another occasion, he was approached by a police officer with a humorous
regard for enforcing downtown leash laws.
"At Dragon Con 18 we were going down the street, I had a submissive on a
leash, and I got stopped by a cop who wanted to make sure the leash was
not over six feet."
(Master Bill, Interview)
Stage performances, the fourth category of BDSM scenes, are intended for audience
consumption. These can be large-scale dramatic performances in front of hundreds of
people, or they can be smaller displays put on for an audience friends. Performances may
be rehearsed to various degrees. I frequently witnessed fully choreographed displays
18

Dragon*Con is a science fiction and fantasy convention that regularly draws over 20,000 people to
downtown Atlanta on Labor Day weekend. Many of the attendees spend the weekend in costumes, so a
collar and leash would not be out of the ordinary (Dragon*Con 2008).

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onstage at some venues, but other shows seemed loosely scripted or even spontaneous.
Larger performances featuring entertainers with national acclaim were promoted well in
advance. Spontaneous scenes put on by club employees or their friends often came as a
surprise to the audience, or even to the participants. I saw a few impromptu birthday
spankings administered onstage at Dominion, where the birthday boy or girl was selected
from the crowd.
Finally, I regard sessions, or paid scenes taking place with professional dominants or
submissives, as a separate level of scene privacy. Although sessions fit the description of
private play, there are a few major differences setting professional sessions apart from the
other types of scenes I have described. Professional dominants and submissives fulfill a
unique role in the BDSM world, exchanging their scene time for income and gifts.
According the professionals I interviewed, the overwhelming majority of their clients are
successful businessmen who require the utmost discretion and privacy. Clients eschew
BDSM community interaction, largely as a result of privacy concerns and perceived risks to
their careers.

voyeurism and performance

"In a public space, I love it when I have an audience at the start of a scene,
and I don't at the end of it."
(Brad, Interview)
The element of performance is a central aspect of BDSM play, particularly more
extreme forms of sadomasochism and elaborate erotic bondage. A common theme in
interviews was the enjoyment of performance and audience response, whether the response

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was positive or negative. Unlike Brad, who joked about his desire to frighten away his
audience, others derived pleasure from the presence of voyeurs. I asked Yvonne whether
her involvement with BDSM was private or public, and she responded:
"Private and public. I definitely enjoy going to play parties and Dreamplay
events and I go to Dominion and stuff like that. I enjoy doing public play
because there's - it has a certain exhibition streak that's really cool. . . You
can get your jollies when you know that people are watching you and
getting turned on by what you're doing and think that you're hot."
(Yvonne, Interview)
I generally followed up this question by asking interview participants whether their public
play was different from their private play, and I asked them to describe how the headspace
was different as a result. I spoke with one professional dominant I've nicknamed Mistress
Sheba, who gave me a very entertaining interview. Parts of the audio recording were so full
of our laughter that they were difficult to understand and transcribe.
"Oh yeah. Public play, they all are different energies. Private play is more
intimate, actually I have an agenda, you know. I would think I'm more
focused, I'm focused on all the play, but I guess the private has my most
attention. Public, it's an audience thing and it's strictly ego. It's like, I've
got to look great, you know, I've got to look wonderful! I've got to make
this woman or this man just go into sub space for a while. My feelings are
not really with them at that moment like in private play, it's more of how
can I make this look like this is the best damn session ever."
(Sheba, Interview)
Although Sheba would like to entertain her partner in a semi-public BDSM performance,
she is also focused on the response of the audience, to make sure she leaves them with a
positive impression.
During Anna's interview, I asked how she constructed scenes differently when she
was performing. She acknowledged that some activities completed behind closed doors
have a different type of energy, and private scenes may even involve totally different forms

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of play, such as sexual activity that would be somewhat inappropriate in semi-public

venues. 1 asked Anna about her experiences when she had a large audience, in contrast to
having no audience. She joked about "Vegas BDSM Productions!" and said, "Sadly it
never went that far. . . yet!" amid much laughter. She then elaborated on her answer:
"At home it was very impromptu. . . rarely, rarely did we ever dress up for
something at home. It's more like, 'You're in jeans, you're cute, let's spank
you!'. . . When you cater it to people and want to give them a show and
have a good time, so yeah, there's a lot of dressing up and doing some stuff,
like you said, 'just because it's pretty.' But then again, you know, you can't
go as far onstage as you can at home providing you're within a good,
consenting relationship. In theory, if I had a boyfriend on stage, we could
do the show, wait till the club night was over and take the boyfriend home,
and then that's like a continuation of it."
(Anna, Interview)
Other participants described similar situations, in which performances or other semi-public
play could later continue in a private setting. Most other interview participants denied
"cleaning up their act" when playing in front of an audience, explaining that they engaged
in the same forms of kink at home and in private. However, legal limitations on public sex
acts would pose an impediment to couples' erotic activities.
During the time I spent in Atlanta, I observed numerous stage shows of varying
descriptions, performed before audiences large and small. At the closing night of
Dominion, which was also the club's tenth anniversary, I watched a scene that stands out
in my mind months later. I am including detailed field notes of this performance for two
reasons. The players, who I call Damien and Kylie, are partially responsible for my initial
interest in studying BDSM. I watched them perform during my first trip to Dominion
many years ago, and the intensity of their onstage interaction sparked my curiosity about
BDSM as a research topic. In addition, I feel this passage best captures the spirit of

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Dominion performances, because they often included an intense mix of eroticism and
humor.
"The top, a man probably not much older than me, with dark hair
and a few distinguishing and unusual tattoos, practically stalks his bottom
onstage, prowling around them as if they are being hunted. He feeds on
their energy and the energy of the audience, growing bolder as the show
goes on. The first time I saw him, he was wearing a black vinyl corset and
high heel platform boots, which at the time I had never seen a man do. I
admired his style immediately. His poise, his posing, and his dexterity are
striking, his whip lightly rolling off his wrist as if it were a natural extension
of himself, effortless until he throws his whole body into it, sometimes even
leaping at someone as he strikes them.
Last night I watched as the entire crowd stopped dancing and
watched, awestruck, as he worked. I heard whispers of 'that's Damien that's
him!' throughout the crowd. Obviously I wasn't the only one there to see
him. Not surprising. I had learned in advance that he would be
performing, along with Kylie, but I had no idea they would be performing
together.
I watched as he worked on Kylie, a seasoned switch and masochist
with a cocky attitude and a pain tolerance from hell. She's a delightful
show-off onstage. She's always commanded an audience, particularly during
her solo performance shows, where I've seen her do such extreme things as
pierce herself, put cherries inside her thong and then feed them to the
audience, or spit chewed-up ice on crowds. They love every minute of it. . .
His strikes were audible over the loud dance music in the club,
mainly due to the vinyl shorts she was wearing. I noticed he struck her each
time high enough to clip the edge of the shorts for sound, but not high
enough to damage the flared bones of her hip. His aim was dangerously
precise and the crowd started screaming as the strikes became more severe.
I could tell he was feeding off of their energy, and she was too - wanting to
take more for the crowd. She was stood up again, facing the crowd, and
Damien ripped off each of the clothespin zippers19 from her chest, and
removed the clothespin from her mouth with his hands. She grinned at
him devilishly as he threw the zippers out towards the audience, as he had
done with the rope earlier. There were a few clothespins left that hadn't
been attached to the zippers; these Damien picked off one by one using his
whip. She must have known this was coming, because she gathered up her
hair and held it out of the way, with both hands behind her head.

19

To create a zipper, several clothespins are attached to the skin in a row. Thin rope or cord is run through
the center spring of each clothespin, so they are connected. When the cord is pulled, the clothespins come
off, one at a time, in quick succession.

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Next, Damien picked up a candle from a supply table downstage

right, the kind that you see in religious imagery, a tall glass cylinder full of
wax. It had probably been burning for some time, as there was a good inch
or so of wax pooling in the candle holder. He tossed it on her chest, almost
as an afterthought, with little ceremony, as he walked by her. Putting her
back over the bondage bench, he used a long dressage whip on her ass
briefly, before moving to stand at stage left of her, facing the crowd, where
he started whipping the clothespins off of her back, one side at a time, in
small clusters of two or three. Like I said, dangerously good aim. Once
these were done, and some more whipping of her rear had taken place, he
spun her back around and whipped her crotch. This received a much more
positive reaction. I smirked to myself, recalling shows in years past where
Kylie had beaten herself to orgasm in front of amazed crowds using this very
technique. Gauging from her flushed face and heavy breathing, she wasn't .
far from it again, at this point. Damien, sadist that he is, wasn't quite ready
for that. . .
Not quite satisfied with her responses, he enlisted the help of the
two assistants. Standing Kylie up facing the girls, he gave each of them one
end of a piece of rope. Holding the bighted section of the middle of the
rope, he stood behind Kylie, who was straddling the rope looking as though
she would start jumping double-Dutch any moment. Almost. Damien
starting moving the rope in a (not entirely dissimilar to jump rope) fashion
between Kylie's legs and she almost fell over. The three rope-wielders
quickly increased the tension on the rope little by little until they were all
almost touching one another, and Kylie doubled over in climax. One boy
standing near me told his friends, 'Omigod Damien just made a girl come!!'
Very funny.
Obviously Damien wasn't quite satisfied with this, and proceeded to
repeat this performance with the rope a few more times. Kylie was wideeyed, grinning and rolling her head around, mouthing 'oh my god thank
you damn you' and such at Damien. Damien was visibly cackling with
laughter. At one point he even checked his watch, looked at the audience
and shrugged, then kept going, all with a very marked over-the-top
expressiveness that makes him so irresistible to watch. There are good tops,
and there are good performers, but rarely do you see someone who is so
good at both."
(Field Notes, February 21, 2004)
In this example, Damien was clearly making efforts to amuse and entertain the large
audience watching his show. He interacted with them by throwing scene memorabilia over

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the crowd in classic "rock star" fashion, and the intensity of his play with Kylie was
obviously influenced by the cheers of the crowd.
Despite the attention many performers pay to their audiences, BDSM scenes don't
necessarily have to occur onstage to bear the element of performance. The nature of the
audience depends largely on the privacy of the play environment: partner only, casual
observer, or intentional audience. To a certain extent, all BDSM play is staged, even if the
only viewers are the participants. The brain is the largest sex organ, after all, and visual
stimulus feeds that desire. The double entendre of the term "play" is no accident.

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III. Identity
10. Demographics and Openness
Chapters Five through Nine discussed the nature of BDSM scene activities. In this
section, my analysis moves beyond the scope of practice and into the realm of identity
formation. As I explained in Chapter Four, the individuals in this research project came
together as a community of practice. For many people I met, BDSM was more than a
hobby. For some, it was a way of life that defined how they chose their relationships and
social contacts.
Even the people most involved with BDSM community activities and organizations
were quick to clarify that their erotic preferences were only one aspect of their diverse
identities. The importance of normalcy arose in many conversations, wherein participants
reaffirmed their status as "virtually normal" 20 with regards to non-BDSM activities. As a
result, a paradoxical pattern of limited openness presented itself, which is discussed in this
chapter. I also include a conversation about the challenges of finding validation within the
BDSM community.

race and regional location

"Looking back at the NewCrop meeting, several things stand out as overall
patterns or points of note, from a broader perspective. First, everyone at
the meeting appeared to be white. No one even visibly debatably ethnic.
This is very different from my experiences at similar group functions in
New England, which often were very diverse. This bears further study,
obviously. I do know there are minorities active in the scene, I'm just not
sure why they are conspicuously absent from this particular group thus far."
(Field Notes, January 20, 2004)

This phrase originated in Sullivan 1995.

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Although the African American population of Atlanta is sizeable,21 1 rarely saw

more than a handful of black men or women at 1009. Night clubs like Dominion were
sometimes more diverse, and most of the gay bars I visited were racially mixed,
proportionate with the city's overall makeup. In addition to hosting a large gay pride event
every year, Adanta also has Black Gay Pride weekend, which is widely attended. Perhaps
the overwhelming whiteness I experienced was specific to 1009, but if there was a primarily
African American BDSM location in town I was not aware of it, nor were any of the
individuals I interviewed.
The low attendance of African Americans at BDSM functions may be confined to
the Southeast, or it may be unique to Atlanta. My limited experiences doing preliminary
research among BDSM communities in Connecticut and the New York metropolitan area
painted a very different picture.
"I recall a breakfast I had at Mistress Vivian's house once. We were sitting
around the table discussing our jobs and whatnot, and it came to my
attention that almost everyone there had numerous college degrees in
related fields: I was the anthropology grad student, T has a doctorate in
sociology and is a teacher and former social worker, Kay is a therapist with
graduate degrees in social work and psychology or something, Vivian's
house-girl had an education doctorate, and so on."
(Field Notes, January 27, 2004)
In this example, the woman who was hosting the overnight party, whom I call Vivian, is a
well known professional and lifestyle dominant. She is African American, as were many of
the party guests, including some of her submissives. The majority of people attending her
gatherings were middle class, college educated professionals.
21

As of July 2006, the city of Atlanta was 59% African American. Racial makeup of the other towns in the
metropolitan area differs greatly. African Americans comprise 30% of the city of Decatur, less than 20% of
most areas north of 1-285, and over 80% of some areas in the southern half of the perimeter (Wikipedia
Foundation, Inc. 2008).

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Although I asked questions about race in every one of the interviews I conducted,
few people had many answers, short of stating that they didn't see much diversity within
BDSM social circles. Sheba echoed this sentiment, and I asked her why she felt this was
the case.
"Black people, we have a lot of issues, actually. We consider kinky stuff a
white thing, believe it or not, <laminatiori> 'That's that crazy old white shit..
. ' So you will see that a lot of black women in domination will cover their
face, because they don't want to be known as this kinky person. The black
community is very judgmental, very, very judgmental. So to come out and
say I am a dominant woman is almost like saying, 'Okay, I don't need a
man in my life' you know. Because we suffer the ratio of too many women
versus men. If we seem dominant, then we'll scare off our men. I don't
give a fuck about black men, because I don't even date within my race, I
date outside my race. So 1 could care less. <laughs> So it doesn't bother
me, but it's because of intimidation from the black community that you
don't [see] a lot of black women in this lifestyle."
(Sheba, Interview)
Several of my African American friends (both in the Northeast and in the Southeast) have
noted that BDSM is something "for freaky white people," elaborating that the history of
slavery in the United States leaves few African Americans wanting to play openly with
submissive power dynamics. This reticence may be more common in the Southeast,
resulting in lower numbers of African American attendees at BDSM events.
Sheba also mentioned the difference between Northern and Southern perceptions
of professional dominant women. When I asked my first question about identity, she gave
this response:
"Of course I always capitalize on my race, Black. Being in the South, of
course I make more money that way. When I go up North I'm just a
regular domme <laughs>."
(Sheba, Interview)

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Her race was a selling point in the Southeast, where many white men found her exotic and
attractive, thus making her business more profitable. Later in our discussion about
regional differences in professional dominance, she elaborated:
"Down here, my blackness is for, to make a right. <pauses> I guess you
could say to make them feel okay for being white, that sounds so silly to me,
but it is what it is. U p North, it's more like a taboo, <laminatiori> 'Ooh
yeah, I want some hot chocolate!' <laughs> It's more that than in the
South. In the South, it's all about extreme verbal humiliation, dealing with
me being a black, powerful woman, and them being a subjugated, white
male."
(Sheba, Interview)
Despite her laughter, she raised very serious points about the presence of racist
assumptions in both parts of the country, in which blackness is a marked category. Many
people spoke about BDSM having therapeutic value, and Sheba explained that some white
men in the Southeast found pleasure in sessioning with an African American domme who
could explore power relations through BDSM. Sheba's clients in the Northeast perceived
her as exotic or taboo, and in the Southeast she was expected to provide some sort of
penance for white guilt. In both situations, race becomes a fetish.

being virtually out and the limits of openness

According to my observations in Atlanta, the BDSM community appears to be
primarily white, middle class, highly educated, and often middle aged. Other researchers
elaborate, "Empirical observers describe practicing masochists as remarkably normal, at
least with regard to their nonsexual activities" (Baumeister 1988:30), citing the high
frequency of masochism among politicians and men in power Qanus, et al. 1977).
Participants in female domination are described as "better educated and from higher

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income and occupational brackets than the average American" (Scott 1983:6). Jen
confirmed this characterization of her client base in her presentation to NewCrop (Field
Notes, May 8, 2004).
Once one acknowledges the makeup of the BDSM social network, the question
arises as to why the demographic is so homogeneous. One could cite the availability of
leisure time and financial resources in the educated middle class, or the accompanying
privilege and perceived freedom to experiment sexually. Another option has to do with a
desire to escape social pressure and responsibility:
"High levels of esteem and agency (or responsibility) produce the most
complex and elaborate selves, which may be the most burdensome selves.
As a result, such individuals may seek the strongest modes of escape - such
as masochism."
(Baumeister 1988:36)
The majority of the individuals I got to know during my field work are relatively
mainstream in many aspects of their lives outside of BDSM. They have corporate jobs, pay
their taxes, go to the gym, and some raise children. I began to wonder, what is the result of
having a marginalized community of otherwise non-marginal individuals?
One answer to this question centers around methods of identification. Personal
characteristics can be physical, behavioral, or both. Generally physical characteristics are
external or visible to the observer, while behavioral or practice-based identities are often
situational or private. For instance, every culture has certain categories for gender or race
that are based on physical appearance. One can often identify an individual's gender or
ethnicity based on the way that person looks (however, the prejudices that can accompany
those perceptions are a topic for a different discussion). There is a large literature on the

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history of African Americans and passing, and transsexual individuals also experience
varying levels of success while blending in after transitioning.
On the other hand, members of practice-based groups often have the luxury of
choice about being out or remaining stealth in their identities. Gay couples fall at both
ends of the spectrum at once: as an individual one can easily pass as heterosexual, but
couples' behavior often necessitates openness. In my experience, many BDSM
practitioners fall at the opposite end of the spectrum - for all practical intents and
purposes they appear vanilla unless they choose to come out to someone. Thus, the luxury
of the closet is afforded to anyone who elects to stay in it. I believe this has a pivotal role to
play in community activism, or lack thereof.
The following paragraph from my field notes comes from a conversation I had with
Jen one evening:
"We spoke at length about the transitions in the Atlanta community, about
the changing of the guard, how things were shaping up during the time of
my research. We also talked about the changing perceptions (and
mainstreaming or not) of BDSM in popular culture as a whole, nationally
and beyond. I asked her about coming out discourses, whether she as a
member of the gay community saw linkages/patterns, whether leather
sexuality would have the same social recognition and validation that gay
sexuality had earned over the last few decades. She said she didn't think so
- that while things were becoming slightly more accepted there is still that
fear factor, that bdsm isn't palatable in the way that gayness would be. I
thought about the Andrew Sullivans of the gay world and wondered
whether there could be 'virtually normal' D/s ers. I think the majority of
them already are."
(Field Notes, May 22, 2004)
The expression "virtually normal" was popularized by Andrew Sullivan's book bearing the
same title (Sullivan 1995). Although he was referring to a political stance for the
homosexual community in the United States, I believe the phrase can also apply to

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practitioners of BDSM. To clarify, I am not supporting Sullivan's argument, merely

employing his turn of phrase.
"Proponents of legitimation argue to the straight world that gay people are
'just like' straights, that we are merely a minority, and that prejudice against
us is, therefore, irrational and unconstitutional. Within gay and lesbian
communities, legitimationistslike writers Hunter Madsen, Marshall Kirk,
Bruce Bawer, Andrew Sullivanhave urged us to narrow the focus of our
movement from cultural transformation to public discrimination. Some
have called for the movement to minimize the public exposure of drag
queens, sadomasochists, effeminate men, butch women, political radicals,
multiculturalists, and anyone not aspiring to join the middle-class
mainstream. This suppression of internal dissent is called 'education' by
some neoconservative voices."
(Vaid 1995:37-38)
The argument for appearing virtually normal has its advocates and its detractors. In my
view, this paradigm has tremendous impact on advocacy and community action. Being
"kinky but virtually normal," so to speak, engenders a community that will enthusiastically
educate its own kind, but accomplish minimal external advocacy or public education. If
no one is willing to speak out, societal perceptions seldom change.
Initially I assumed the community members' general reticence to go public about
their lifestyle, was a result of perceived risks of openness and value judgments others would
place upon BDSM sexuality. According to one author:
"Modern Western societies appraise sex acts according to a hierarchical
system of sexual value. . . The most despised sexual casts currently include
transsexuals, transvestites, fetishists, sadomasochists, sex workers such as
prostitutes and porn models, and the lowliest of all, those whose eroticism
transgresses generational boundaries."
(Rubin 1993:11-12)
Another author argues that the model of being virtually normal reinforces the "hierarchy
of shame" attached to societal perceptions of marginal sexual practices (Warner 1999:49).

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Following this line of thinking, coming out about one's BDSM involvement could produce
disastrous effects in the workplace or home.
Many people I interviewed claimed to be completely out about their involvement in
BDSM. However, when pressed further, they clarified that they were in fact only out to
other people in the community. Their family members, coworkers, and close friends
outside of the BDSM social network were often not aware of their activities or lifestyle
tastes. Surprisingly few people cited perceived risks as an impediment to the coming out
process. Instead, the individuals I interviewed often seemed to feel it simply wasn't
necessary to be fully out. Although the privilege associated with being virtually normal
could be partly responsible, the defense most often given was that "BDSM is only a
bedroom issue."
In his discussion of gay history in New York City, Chauncey describes a similar
phenomenon:
"Managing a double life was relatively easy for many men because they did
not consider their homosexual identity to be their only important identity.
Identities are always relational, produced by the ways people affiliate
themselves with or differentiate themselves from othersand are marked as
different by others."
(1994:273)
I spoke with several people who supported Chauncey's perspective, explaining that their
interests in BDSM were simply one facet of an elaborate personal identity. By choosing to
come out about one's involvement in BDSM, the perceptions of others could potentially
be restricted to a focus on that one characteristic.
Another theory cites the therapeutic value of personal escape as critical to keeping
masochism private.

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"If masochism centers around escape from one's normal identity, then
attempts to establish a full-time identity as a masochist may ultimately be
self-defeating. . . At this point, obviously, masochism would cease to be an
escape from self."
(Baumeister 1988:55)
An individual cannot be any one thing all the time. According to Baumeister's argument,
much of the headspace and erotic excitement of masochism comes from the fact that it is
different from a practitioner's everyday life. Increased outward involvement, presumably
through BDSM community functions, could have a detrimental impact on the nature of
that headspace. I see some validity in Baumeister's words, but I never heard anyone
describe their personal BDSM activities as routine or lacking in serious erotic interest.
During our interview, Brad brought up the idea of private symbols, and he discussed
his thoughts on being out about BDSM.
"Private symbols. . . I had the triskelion on my car, and I had a leather pride
stripe sticker on one of my cars. But someone from my office asked me
about it and I freaked. Cuz he was like, <lamination> 'I've seen the gay
pride sticker, but what's that? It looks like it.' You know? And I made
such a bad lie, I was like, um, <lowers head and mumbles in a low voice> 'It was
on the car when I bought it, and I didn't take it off.' It was sad, yeah, you
know, and they so didn't believe me. And I'm sure that afternoon they
went and looked it up <lamination>, 'Let's find out what the he-ooooh.' So
I took it off of the car that night. But I figured that the triskelion was a bit
more obscure. . . So, but I love that, and I love having those private
symbols. I don't want there to be too much recognition. I would like for
the leather pride flag to have as much recognition as the gay pride flag,
because I think people who want to be that out should be able to fly the
leather pride flag and have that be okay. As long as they leave the BDSM
symbols like the triskelion and stuff alone, so that we can have that."
(Brad, Interview)
The right to choose one's own levels of openness is central to Brad's narrative. He
recognized the value of being out or public about BDSM, but preferred to retain the luxury
of choice. I won't describe the appearance of the triskelion here; to do so would contradict

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the privacy Brad seeks. The designer of the triskelion BDSM emblem posted the following
explanation on the internet:
"The BDSM emblem has no 'obvious' symbolism because it was created to
be enigmatic. To the vanilla observer who would be put off by BDSM, it is
merely an attractive piece of jewelry. Thus, we can wear it freely as a
friendly salute, nod, and wink to other BDSMers we should happen to pass
on the sidewalks and in the hallways of our daily lives. To the insider,
however, the Emblem is full of meaning."
(Quagmyr 1997)
My research contacts had varying mindsets about the risks, advantages, and necessity of
being open about their BDSM activities, but the common theme involved taking the
correct approach for one's personal situation.

validation and finding the right fit

"He then asked me if he was unusual - asking if I thought a lot of
people would look down on the kinds of things he was interested in as
being really unusual. I told him I didn't think so - from all of the people
I've spoken with over the years he seems pretty tame. He laughed at this,
and seemed relieved.
I'm amazed how self-aware people arehow many older people I talk
to about this that need assurance that they are somehow normal. Funny
thing is, in every way that they present themselves to the outside world, they
are. It's only these things that they hesitate to share with the world that set
them apart as being different, and I'd argue, as I told Bart today, that even
these differences are probably surprisingly 'normal.'"
(Field Notes, January 23, 2004)
Social perception was one factor in the decision to come o u t about BDSM
involvement. Although the majority of the younger people I interviewed were open with

their partners, friends, and sometimes even family members, there was a noticeable
generational difference. In Bart's case, he was upfront with his wife about his interests in
spanking, and they had experimented with the activity together, but she decided it wasn't

125

right for her. I spoke with others who hadn't divulged their erotic preferences to their
partners, for fear of rejection - either about that particular BDSM activity or in regards to
the relationship more generally.
Bart and I shared a lengthy email correspondence about BDSM and other topics.
In one of his emails, he reiterated the importance of feeling "normal" and knowing that his
tastes weren't entirely uncommon.
"I've often thought to myself, 'Why does a grown man want to be spanked
like a naughty boy?' I am extremely grateful, as we discussed yesterday, that
I've come across so many people who have this desire. It is a large relief to
know that I am not weird or perverted. Although there are probably a load
of vanilla people who would think that this penchant is undesirable and
freakish (and, not understood), I think there's sufficient evidence to support
that these desires are wide-spread. I see people on Yahoo spanking groups
from all-over the world. I do enjoy a lot seeing references to spanking on
TV shows and/or movies, lately. It is uplifting to know that there are
apparently screen writers, producers, directors, etc., who share this
penchant, or, minimally think there's enough of an audience that they
weave spanking into story-lines."
(Bart, email correspondence, April 2004)
Although Bart opted not to be very active in BDSM lifestyle circles, he was aware and
marginally involved with some Atlanta group functions. For him, mainstream
representation of BDSM themes was reassuring.
Others sought acceptance within the BDSM community, rather than outside of it.
Members of the next generation groups often felt they were invalidated because of their
age. Some people wondered whether they were "normal" by BDSM standards and would
fit in with a larger group of practitioners. Celie characterized herself and her husband Fred
as "middle aged, middle class, suburban freaks" (Interview). They lived OTP, which is
Atlanta slang for "outside the perimeter" of Interstate 285, the highway that encompasses

126

the downtown area. During our interview, they spoke about their experiences of being at
the fringe of the BDSM social network, partly due to location, but also because of
parenting obligations that limited the amount of free time they had for leisurely adult
activities.
For Lydia, her satisfaction with BDSM social involvement hinged on the nature of
the group she was attending. When we talked one evening at 1009, she expressed her
happiness about NewCrop being formed:
"We talked about UPS and other groups, and she mentioned that
NewCrop was the first place she felt the most welcome, that older people at
the other meetings she had been to over the years were very cliquish and
difficult to communicate with as a rule."
(Field Notes, April 7, 2004)
Several members of NewCrop echoed her sentiments, saying they had felt out of place at
other group meetings, either by virtue of age differences or other factors. Other people's
perceptions of experience and seniority may have also played a role.
"Another interesting conversation I had with these guys had to do with the
overall makeup of the group. Devon was expressing his frustration about
the dungeon monitors, the woman primarily, saying that hopefully after this
first date type meeting is over they will be more trusting of the group
members and more respectful of the abilities of the participants. After all,'
he explains, 'we might be young but we have years of experience represented
here. A lot of these people have been playing for ages. . . Steve has been a
Dominion performer for years, for Christ's sake. . . ' This was said since we
were specifically watching him play at that point in time. Several people
during the night mentioned issues of age/seniority and respect within the
BDSM community as a whole, with regards to presumed inexperience on
the part of younger players. The group seemed set on making themselves
known as serious players, as safe players, and as people that were 'here to
stay' so to speak, within the community."
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)

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The members of NewCrop made efforts to represent themselves positively to the

larger BDSM community, and I was able to meet many of my research contacts through
attending the group's functions. The individuals I interviewed had diverse interests,
backgrounds, and experiences. Their stories will emerge in the following chapters.

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III. Identity
11. Research Participants' Histories
Drawing on interview data, this chapter explores the ways research participants first
discovered their interests in BDSM. I begin with a brief theoretical overview and a
discussion of relevant interview questions. Finally, I address two very different sets of
personal histories that emerged in our conversations.

theories of erotic origins

"The major traumas and frustrations of early life are reproduced in the
fantasies and behaviors that make up adult eroticism, but the story now
ends happily. This time, we win. In other words, the adult erotic behavior
contains the early trauma. The two fit: the details of the adult script tell
what happened to the child."
(Stoller 1991:24-25)
While conducting research for Pain and Passion, Stoller explored the world of
BDSM in hopes of understanding the nature and causes of sadomasochistic sexuality.
Although he draws a link between childhood experience and adult sexual proclivities, he
acknowledges that developmental experiences are only one aspect of a more complex
puzzle. The question of why "the same trauma results in different pathologies in different
people" (Stoller 1991:43) remains unanswered.
Money argues that BDSM eroticisms are "vandalized" versions of the "lovemaps" or
idealized sexuality we possess (1986). In the majority of people, lovemaps cause our erotic
tastes to navigate towards vanilla, heterosexual, romantic attractions. BDSM sexualities
involve atypical paraphilias. Money characterizes paraphilias, defined as preferences for
unusual sexual objects or activities, as growing out of trauma in two potentially different

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directions. At one extreme, the positive example is the healthy sadomasochist or fetishist.
At the other end of the spectrum, the possible outcome is someone preoccupied with
harmful or murderous fantasies. Although unhealthy sadomasochists undoubtedly exist,
during my research I didn't encounter anyone that I would characterize as mentally ill or
obsessive about their BDSM fantasies. Sadomasochists with murderous or abusive
fantasies would be an ill fit for the "safe, sane, and consensual" lifestyle community.
Numerous developmental psychologists, psychiatrists, and other social scientists
have pondered the origins of sexual desire. The debate of nature versus nurture carries the
bulk of this discussion. I won't presume to be an expert on sexual development. My goal
in this chapter is merely to relate personal histories as they were told to me; most research
participants felt they had clear understandings of the experiences that shaped their erotic
interests.

desire as a multifaceted question

Research interviews included a query about the origin of participants' interests in
BDSM activities: "What began your interest in this lifestyle? When? How have your
interests grown or changed through time?" Due to the semi-structured nature of the
interview process, questions were often asked in slightly different order, or in slightly
different ways. If someone already answered a question earlier in the interview, then it was
omitted.
The origins of desire are complex, and I found that my interview questions were
actually more multi-faceted than I realized. During one of the final interviews I conducted,

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Rick pointed out that my question of "When?" was in fact three different questions. The
subtleties of interpretation meant that I received quite varied responses. I later realized
that the question could be interpreted in any of the following ways:
1. How did you first know you had an interest in BDSM?
I originally intended this interpretation of the question. Although children
may not have the vocabulary or sexual awareness to realize that tying up the
kid next door is a type of bondage, as adults they can pair the memory with
the language of BDSM.
2. When did you first engage in erotic BDSM?
Quite a few people mentioned having sadomasochistic desires at a very
young age, but these desires were not acted upon until the age at which first
sexual explorations took place. Usually they reported being curious about
BDSM as children, but not acting upon those fantasies until the late teens
or young adult years.
3. When did you become involved in a BDSM lifestyle relationship or
social network?
I learned how interview participants first knew the BDSM community
existed. They related stories of their experiences, beginning with their
initial interactions and ending with their current positions of involvement
in social networks and organizations.
Casual discussions led me to believe there would be a large degree of gender
disparity in participants' answers, but upon closer examination of interview transcripts this
was not the case. I recorded interviews with twenty-five people, ten men and fifteen
women. For the purposes of this discussion, I divide participants by biological sex, rather
than chosen gender. At least one participant self-reported as currently transgendered and
exploring gender transition options. I have categorized that individual as male, which was
the person's gender at birth, because it remained his full-time gender presentation when we
met and conducted our interview. Further, experiences of childhood were shaped by
initial sexual identification and peer perceptions of the individual. Simply put, people

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experience their childhood years categorized by their biological sex, even though some
adults later choose to identify as a different gender.
I have also split responses into two age-based categories. Respondents often
described childhood experiences of sadomasochistic sexual awareness or interest in
dominance and submission. I have used puberty as a dividing line; on the other side of
that line are stories designating the late teen years or young adulthood as the time of their
first BDSM interests.
Table 11.1: First Reported Interest in BDSM Activities

males

females

childhood
pre-puberty -14
Bill
Brad
Cameron
David
Mark
Jason
Catherine
Celie
Erin
Gabby
Hannah
Jen
Petra
Yvonne

young adult
post-puberty - 9
Bart
Fred
Rick

no answer - 2

total - 25

Bob

10

Anna
Diane
Lydia
Sheba
Tammy
Tracy

Angel

15

The majority of interviews yielded answers to nearly all of my questions, so the two
participants listed as giving "no answer" bear explanation. In an earlier interview question
I asked participants, "Is your involvement personal, romantic, professional, etc? Public or
private? How?" Master Bob answered my question by speaking about how he first engaged
in BDSM with romantic partners, when asked about the nature of his involvement. I did
not follow this up with a question about his first yearnings/thoughts, because our

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conversation rapidly moved in a different direction. To derail our conversation and divert
it back to an earlier question would have been disruptive.
I was originally scheduled to interview Brad, Petra, and Angel at the same time, in
the home they shared. However, due to another commitment, Angel arrived for the
interview a bit late. When she arrived, Brad and Petra had already answered the first
several questions on my list. At Brad's insistence, Angel quickly answered my first few

questions until she was caught up with the other two. In the process, this question was
overlooked.

childhood realizations
"You know the story of how I got into spanking? Okay, I was playing with
two little girls in the neighborhood. I was, I was eight years old. The oldest
of the two girls was seven and the youngest was five, and we were playing
house. I was the Daddy, the oldest girl was the Mommy, and the youngest
was the little girl. The little girl was bad and had a spanking. So it was all
perfectly innocent play and all, and the first time I spanked her, she kinda
liked it. . . We got a little braver, little braver, little braver, keeping an eye
out for our parents, but we were all perfectly innocent. Then the older girl
said, 'Hey she's having too much fun, you spank me this time!' I think once
the little girl, the youngest one, was not able to play with us, so we made up
a game, yeah, and I wound up spanking the older girl. She seemed to enjoy
it. <laughs> 1 was certainly enjoying it! And so uh, incidentally, years later I
ran into <Name> here in Atlanta. This was happening up in Minneapolis.
E: Well that's randoml Did you get to spank her?
We almost did. We couldn't get hooked up, but I asked her if she was still
into spanking and she said yes. She said her r o o m m a t e takes care of her

needs now, and they're both nuns."

(Bill, Interview)
Fourteen of the people I interviewed very clearly described childhood experiences
that they considered related to BDSM. Rather than posing the question of "Why?" which I

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consider a leading question that would force participants to draw lines of causality, I simply
asked "When?" David began relating his childhood experiences in the following way:
"I've had an interest in S&.M and power games since uh, I think it was
about five or six years old. I remember there were thoughts and in my play
just as a kid. . . there was a cultural influence on that. I know there's a
study out there, that a lot of people's tastes and fetishes might be shaped by
the time they reach ten years old. Well, I don't know - I haven't read that
study - and don't know how exactly how it applies."
(David, Interview)
He elaborates about cultural influences on his desires, citing his interest in Wonder
Woman comics as one catalyst, which I discuss further in Chapter Twelve. David
continues:
"That's not the only memory though, that's not the only. Before that, I was
about four or five years old and I was playing doctor with a neighbor who
was visiting our house. We were back in my bedroom, and she wanted to
be the patient and so she's laying on the bed and pretending to be under
anesthetic and I'm standing over her, and in that moment I thought, 'I am
so happy to be here right here, right this minute. I'm not sure of what I
want to do, but I'm glad I have the option to do so.' And I know I was no
older than five, I was five. So I didn't really start exploring, 1 didn't become
sexually active until college. I didn't want to accept that responsibility until
then. I didn't feel like I was ready to do that."
(David, Interview)
Several aspects of David's story are particularly interesting. First, he makes a distinction
between the development of his sadomasochistic interests and his sexual experiences.
While some participants describe BDSM as inherently linked to their sexuality, others
made subtle distinctions between the two as involving similar, overlapping, yet distinct
spheres of experience. Third, David relates the uncertainty that can come with newfound
power and the vulnerability that can accompany the ability to control another person's
actions.

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Vulnerability was a theme in another childhood narrative. Celie also described

experiencing her first BDSM play at a very early age.
"I remember preschool age, playing under a big pine tree, that - this was in
the North with huge trees with leaves all the way to the ground - and
playing under there where I had to reveal myself, and someone's making me
do it, that kind of thing. And that was - I may have seen images like in
Dad's Playboys or something, but things like that, 1 think was when I first
realized there was something different about me <laughs>."
(Celie, Interview)
Although the theme of exhibitionism or bodily exposure is common in stories involving
consensual dominance and submission, Celie was aware that her actions may have placed
her in the minority, in relation to other children her age.
The role of indirect parental influence, in Celie's case through accidental exposure
to her father's copies of Playboy magazine, only emerged in a few of the narratives I
recorded. Hannah also cited the preferences of adults in her life as having an effect on her
interests.
"I think it was a natural progression. I mean, when 1 was little, my
grandmother had five inch stiletto heels. I mean, her wedding picture from
like 1954 here she is in five inch stiletto heels! She had a major shoe fetish.
I mean when she passed, I think she had probably about 150 pairs of shoes.
. . I kept some of her shoes, too. There's that, and she loved lingerie. She
would just buy lingerie just to buy it. And so when I was little, I would
always dress up in the high heels, and you know her frilly robes and what
have you, and just prance around the house, and get into her makeup and
her costume jewelry. . . So I think it kind of started then. And then I think
it became, as I got older I started exploring things."
(Hannah, Interview)
In Hannah's case, her earliest interests were fetishistic rather than sadomasochistic. The
childhood game of playing "dress-up" took on a different dimension of role play for her.
Hannah mentions the "natural progression" that she experienced, which moved from

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experimenting with attire and sexy dressing into other realms of BDSM activity. As an
adult, she incorporates her fetish for latex clothing into her scenes.

early adult explorations

Although fourteen of my respondents indicated they experienced their first

interests in BDSM as children, many others described a different scenario. Nine of the
individuals I interviewed explained they were older when they began having thoughts
involving BDSM. Consider Fred's narrative:
"I think I became more interested when I was older, when I was a teenager.
Going through puberty and stuff like that, I never got to explore but it was
kind of like, I wasn't as offended as everybody else around me seemed to be
offended by it. . . I moved around a lot when we were growing up, and my
father was in the <military service>, so we spend a couple years here and
that's how he got promoted and stuff, so a lot of times I had, I was normally
the odd man out, because I wasn't in the clique, I wasn't - I was a new kid a
lot, so that helped as well. . . You could reinvent yourself, or you could be
odd, you know. I wasn't born and raised here, and you know, this may not
be for me, but I have no problem with it, whereas I guess if you're there all
the time you have to have this reaction whenever you hear it - how society
says you have to behave and I could dodge a little bit of that."
(Fred, Interview)
He relates his feelings of being different, and draws a connection to his fantasies. His role
as the perpetual "new kid" allowed him a certain degree of social flexibility, or freedom to
"be odd."
The notion of peer group conformity, or "fitting in" as it's commonly known,
shapes many experiences of adolescence and early adulthood. In Sheba's case, peer
interactions in college had a tremendous influence on her sexual development, in ways that
she considered both positive and negative. Her response described a dramatic scenario.

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"When I was in college there was a good friend of mine from debate team.
She was very aggressive and we sort of went through the same experiences.
But my senior year she used to tell me all kind of kinky stories. I got a kick
out of her kinky stories. But she was telling about, <lamination> 'You know
I got these slaves' and I was laughing, like 'Slaves?' She's like, <laminatiori>
'Yeah they came over they clean my house, they eat my pussy, then they just
leave.' Really? And I was like HUH? And she had me come over to her
house while she had some slaves there and I was just mesmerized and I was
also sexually aroused at the fact that these were grown men on their knees
naked, before her, doing everything she wanted to do. And that's when I
knew that I wanted to do this and she began to talk to me and tell me."
(Sheba, Interview)
She continued, explaining why she felt that her training as a dominant didn't need to
involve any initial experience as a submissive.
Sheba explained that she went through enough of those experiences by virtue of
being a woman, and I encouraged her to say more on the subject.
"I can give you one big example: I pledged and I was hazed like hell. 1
know what public humiliation feels like. I know what it feels like to be spat
on, and to be talked about and to be ridiculed and to have paddles and
spankings.
E: For sororities?

Yeah for sororities. . . I pledged a sorority. I was the line before anti-hazing
law came about. So we were all supposed to dress the same, we were all
denied food on some terms, but public humiliation was- the biggest. That's
why I'm good at public humiliation 'cause I was publicly humiliated and
even to the point where I think the worst thing they could have done to me.
It was not the spanking and spitting and the slapping, I mean, I'd been beat
up on. . . But the biggest this was, we were all told to strip nude while our
big sisters picked every little flaw of our body and talked about it. If that
didn't make me stronger, nothing did. They broke me. They broke me
down mentally, emotionally, physically. . . You know, now that I look it was
bullshit. It was stupid. It wasn't worth the goddamn three Greek letters,
and it doesn't show sisterhood."
(Sheba, Interview)

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As a result, Sheba eschewed Old Guard training styles, in which a dominant must first
begin training as a submissive. Despite how negative her sorority hazing experiences had
been, she considered them a learning experience. Sheba explained that hazing gave her an
understanding of the vulnerability and powerlessness a submissive can feel.
Other narratives cited early adulthood as a turning point for erotic focus. Bart told
me that he didn't remember having "a strong spanking feeling or thoughts" until his early
twenties. After our interview, he sent me the following addendum:
"As I shared with you, my solid realization that spanking was something
that I was interested in and intrigued by came about in my early 20s. I had
thoughts about it before then but my early 20s was when it became a 'living'
set of thoughts, almost constant in my mind."
(Bart, email correspondence, April 2004)
Although he mentioned one occasion as a child, when he wished his friend's mother
would have followed through on a spanking threat, Bart considered the onset of his
interests to be in early adulthood. The phrase "a 'living' set of thoughts" indicates a
change took place during that period of his life, as his erotic fantasies became more fully
developed. Pre-pubertal fantasies may be nebulous and non-sexual, but post-adolescent
fantasy has a greater erotic element.

abuse myths
A common conception places a causal link between childhood abuse and adult
BDSM activity. I was curious about the validity of the abuse theory, though I made every
effort to extract stories in a non-leading way. Rather than asking questions that specifically

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addressed abuse, I posed open-ended, non-judgmental inquiries. As a result, I received a

diverse array of responses on dozens of subjects, many seemingly unrelated to BDSM.
Out of the twenty-five people I interviewed, only two made mention of childhood
trauma. Erin drew a direct link between her masochism and emotional pain:
"I've always been a bit of a masochistic kind of child anyway. Fascinated
with fire, with blood, with cuts, with burns. I mean, my right arm is going
to be the mark of how far I ve gone with branding, cutting, with all sorts of
different things, because I'm left handed. How long before I make myself
stop? How much can I endure? And part of it also was for me to deal with
a great deal of emotional pain from very, very, very, very young, that I did
not know how to alleviate."
(Erin, Interview)
Erin mentioned emotional pain, but she did not offer any details, and I declined to pry any
further. O n the other hand, Hannah openly discussed being a victim of childhood abuse,
but she denied it had any bearing on her interests in BDSM.
"In some ways it's kind of hard, because I was also physically abused as a
child, and sexually abused. And as an adult, I mean I did do a lot of
research, because I thought it was abuse. But I found out, through reading
and educating myself that it wasn't that. I know a lot of people that are
abused get involved [with BDSM] because they think that it's getting that
stuff out. But that's not it for me. I do it because I enjoy it."
(Hannah, Interview)
Hannah mentions the notion that "a lot of people that are abused" become
involved with BDSM, but I don't believe one can draw a direct link between the two
populations, unless many of my research participants were dealing with forms of denial.
To quote one author:
"Sadomasochistic sex does not re-enact or endorse genuine oppression; it
simply uses obsolete symbols to enact escape and fantasy. People who have
really suffered victimization or cruelty would not want to re-enact such
things in sexual games."
(Baumeister 1988:45)

139

Although my interview subject pool was relatively small, I would have expected to hear
more narratives of abuse if the causal theory were true.

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III. Identity
12. Fantasy and Technology
As discussed in Chapter Eleven, a majority of interview participants described their
first BDSM interests as taking place during childhood. Although I didn't ask any
questions related to causality or influences, most people I interviewed volunteered
information on the matter. Several themes emerged from the narratives, including the role
of entertainment and media in affecting personal development. Television shows, movies,
and books, particularly comic books, were cited as important cultural influences. In this
chapter, I explore the role of media and technology in the creation of BDSM fantasies. I
begin with stories of individual erotic experiences, and then my discussion moves to the
function of science fiction conventions and internet technology in establishment of BDSM
identities.

individual realizations

In the great nature versus nurture debate, external or social influences play a
questionable role in individual development. Although many interviewees explained that
they had "always been kinky," thus supporting the biological determinist stance in the
debate, they felt that nurture also played a large role. The specifics of their erotic tastes
were often influenced by childhood experiences. American children watch a great deal of
television, and nearly everyone I interviewed mentioned television or comic book
superheroes as a starting point for their interests in BDSM.
"I think that looking back I can see where there were signs growing up as a
kid, especially like comic books and superheroes. I always had a thing; first
woman I ever found attractive was on the old Batman TV show. Julie

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Newmar as Catwoman? That was the first. I mean even when I was four
years old she was like literally the first woman I thought would be attractive.
. . I know I'm not alone. I've talked to some professional dominants who
say they've heard other guys say that."
(Mark, Interview)
Batman has the dubious distinction of being the most often cited pop culture reference for
kink. During our interview, Brad explained, "I have always been kinky." I was waiting for
him to mention playing cowboys and Indians, but instead he said there was " a lot of
Batman and bad guys." Petra added, "I tied up my Barbies."
Yvonne also held television responsible for sparking her initial interest in BDSM.
"I think that some of them [BDSM thoughts] started coming out of me
when I was really young and I would see things on TV or things like that
and they would turn me on. And so, but I didn't really understand it or
even know there was an outlet for it until I was about eighteen and I started
dating Lee. . . So he and I started dating when I was eighteen, and he was
really kinky and kind of introduced me to, 'Hey look there's all these

things.'"
(Yvonne, Interview)
Her response also speaks to the multiple implications of the "When?" question, as I
discussed in Chapter 10. In her case, early childhood was cited as the time period for
initial interest in BDSM activities. However, she didn't actively engage in any of those
activities until she was eighteen and dating a partner who was also interested in BDSM.
Films were another source of developmental influence. Films involving the
Marquis de Sade were mentioned in several interviews.
"I was just always masochistic, [into] self mutilation. One thing that sticks
out specifically was the movie Wax Works, where people are getting sucked
into the different scenes. The girl who walked into the scene with Marquis
de Sade, and when he cut that white top of hers off and bloodied her back,
stripe marks and everything, with that single tail, and how they finally let
her out of the shackles, she crawled across the room and clung to his leg.
I'm like, 'I know exactly how you feel.'"

142

(Erin, Interview)
Erin was able to draw a parallel between the film character's masochism and vulnerability
and her own similar feelings. The emotional empathy that followed enabled Erin to better
understand her own feelings.
Bart described a similar experience: he and his wife went with another couple to
watch a movie about the Marquis de Sade. As the two couples left the movie theater, his
friend's wife made comments that implied she was personally interested in BDSM.
However, Bart explained he never worked up the courage to call her and ask, "Did I read
you wrong?" He told me that he kept his interests hidden for many years thinking, "I must
be a weirdo!" As he got exposed to more magazines and online groups, he realized that he
was not alone, because "surely they wouldn't be publishing magazines unless there was a
market for it" (Bart, Interview).
Books were also cited as a source of fantasy inspiration. When I interviewed Lydia,
she elaborated on the ideas that sparked her interests in BDSM.
"Back in 1994, when I was a senior in college, a friend of mine introduced
me to the Beauty series,22 so that was my first interests, first time I ever came
across BDSM or anything. I identified with it a lot."
(Lydia, Interview)
Lydia described her BDSM training as a mix of Old Guard and newer styles, and many
aspects of her personal identification were influenced by fantasies fostered through years of
reading. In addition to talking about the Beauty series, Lydia also told m e about the G o r
pleasure slave idea, derived from fantasy books.

22

Here Lydia refers to the Sleeping Beauty trilogy, written by Anne Rice using the nom de plume A. N.
Roquelaure. Originally published in 1983-1985, the novels were The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, Beauty's
Punishment, and Beauty's Release. They were later released as a box set under both of the author's names
(Roquelaure 1999).

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"My boyfriend at the time was basically my owner, I was his kajira. 1 subbed
to him for four years, and he introduced me to the Gor books, which I
really, I really liked."
(Lydia, Interview)
The Gorean fantasy world is based on an extensive collection of books by John Norman, 23
which have spawned an entire BDSM subculture, both online and in face-to-face play.
According to Lydia, kajira is defined as a female slave, with a specific training emphasis on
erotic pleasure. Norman frequently makes use of the term, most notably in the title of the
nineteenth book, Kajira of Gor (Norman 1983).
Other aspects of fantasy and science fiction emerged as relevant influences. Comic
book superheroes were frequently mentioned in interviews, as David jokingly explained:
"The Wonder Woman comic book series came out when I was six years old,
and that was to tie up or be tied up with that lasso, yeah that definitely
worked. I had a Wonder Woman doll."
(David, Interview)
In another conversation, the theme of superheroes arose, and Brad explained why he felt it
was such a common source of influence.
"From the late fifties, early sixties, on up, there's been a superhero culture
in the media that's more and more prevalent, and the people who draw
comics tend to draw the women nice to look at, they draw the men nice to
look a t . . . and usually people get tied up. They're captured, they're put in a
cage, made to do stuff - they're put under mind control and made to do
things they don't want to do. . . So that can be really influencing in the
formative years."
(Brad, Interview)
The theme of superheroes was not confined to people of one generation; nearly everyone I
interviewed made mention of them, including one Old Guard dominant who was over the
age of fifty.
23

Tamsman of Gor, originally published in 1966, was the first in Norman's Gor series (Norman 1966). He

used the name John Lange for this first book. The Gor series later expanded to over two dozen novels.

144

science fiction fantasies

The presence of comic book superheroes and fantasy imagery is common in
narratives of childhood and adult interests in BDSM. Often the child who is a comic book
fan grows into an adult science fiction enthusiast with an active involvement in BDSM. As
one woman suggested, there is the temptation to relate to fantasy characters, and to
personalize one's erotic role playing experiences using the themes from comic books.
"Maybe it's because that in comic books they have so much of a fantasy life
that it's a very short hop over to the other stuff. . . In the comic books, they
can be He-Man."
(Diane, Interview)
During the same interview, her partner David agreed, and he elaborated on the ,
connections between science fiction, fantasy, and BDSM.
"Just the fact that the background to sci-fi fantasy is so rooted in
imagination anyway. . . and plus there's stuff in these stories about the
person fighting against the authority of whatever, you know, or trying to be
converted to a another way of authoritarian thinking or something like, you
know, a struggle between that. There's definitely overtones that carry
through, power overtones."
(David, Interview)
David brings up several ways BDSM mirrors science fiction and fantasy stories, namely the
emphasis on creative role play that permeates many BDSM scenes and the presence of
dominant and submissive power dynamics.
Yvonne offered a similar commentary on the connection between BDSM and
science fiction, in which she also mentioned Batman and Robin, as well as Wonder
Woman.

145

"I think one of the reasons sci-fi people are so kinky is you're watching,
there's so much kink in sci-fi. I mean think about, you know, Wonder
Woman. She's constantly tying people up and just the whole outfit is a
domme sort of thing. And Batman and Robin, they were always having
fights, you know. Actually, you'll love this story, my first sexual fantasy was
while watching a Buck Rogers episode."
(Yvonne, Interview)
During our discussion of her personal background, Yvonne spoke extensively about the
stages of her BDSM development. Her first experiences occurred as a child, while
watching television. In college she became involved in a relationship that had a large
amount of BDSM exploration.
In the narrative that follows, Yvonne elaborates on her transition from personal to
public play, and the role of conventions in confidence-building and BDSM community
development.
"So he and I did quite a bit of play, but it didn't become more public and
more anything besides just the bedroom until probably those parties in
<City> when I was going to school. That's when I first started seeing people
wearing leather and latex and going out. . . And then shortly after that, he
and I got into conventions. . . We started doing conventions in '97 I think,
and we went to our first Chattacon and Dragon Con that year. And all of a
sudden I was like, 'Wow, this is cool and there are people like me, that are
kind of geeky and pretty freaky too.' So then at that point I felt like I had
found my people. . . From there we started throwing parties, different
parties at conventions and started doing some public scenes at those and
really enjoying it. And really it started coming into being a lot more self
confident, because I've always been on the heavy side, I mean not
overweight, and not really being able to just feel good about my body and
feel sexy, but you know at conventions I could put on a latex top and I had
people asking to take my picture and people asking to play with me, and all
of a sudden I was like, 'Wow, I'm hot.'"
(Yvonne, Interview)
During my research, I heard several similar stories of young people finding their niche
where the worlds of science fiction and BDSM converge.

146

When we met, Yvonne was one of the organizers for NewCrop. She was also one
of the people responsible for running Dreamplay, a convention held in Atlanta every
spring. Dreamplay is one example of a specialized play convention, several of which take
place in Atlanta. These large events cater to a mix of BDSM, science fiction, fantasy,
gaming, and artistic interests. In her words:
"It's more of a party con, I mean, with a lot of kink thrown in and a little
bit of art and stuff like that too. We do have artist guests, and we have a lot
of cool performers. It's kind of like how would you describe burning man,
if you've never been before. It's kind of hard to define it. But yeah, it
started out definitely more sci-fi and it's gotten more kink oriented as it's
gone on."
(Yvonne, Interview)
Thus the science fiction and fantasy connection operates at two levels, both
personal/individual and social/interactional. In addition to providing fuel for fetishes and
affecting the erotic tastes of developing young people, there is an open acceptance of
BDSM at some science fiction conventions.

internet technology
"I'm just old enough to remember what it's like to be hunting for
information on SM and not have the internet, because I was in college in
1990, 1991."
(David, Interview)
In addition to the role media has played in fueling fantasies, primarily through
television and books, more recent technologies have affected BDSM development.
According to many of the individuals I interviewed, the role of the internet in identity
formation cannot be underestimated. Like science fiction, the internet has influenced
individual BDSM awareness and the establishment of social networks.

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Several interview participants cited the internet as a source of comfort as they

sought the existence of a BDSM community. Many people felt they were unique in their
desires, and worried they would never find partners with similar interests. By finding
resources online, BDSM practitioners realized the prevalence of their preferences.
"I see people on Yahoo spanking groups from all-over the world. I do enjoy
a lot seeing references to spanking on TV shows and/or movies, lately. It is
uplifting to know that there are apparently screen writers, producers,
directors, etc., who share this penchant, or, minimally think there's enough
of an audience that they weave spanking into story-lines."
(Bart, email correspondence, April 2004)
Bart mentioned finding elements of BDSM in television, film, and internet materials.
These resources enabled him to better understand his fetish and to meet others with
similar tastes.
The subject of online chat rooms and user groups arose in a few interviews, as
resources for networking and socializing, like Bart mentioned. In a rather different
example, Sheba cited an experience with an online group as a major catalyst in her
transition into professional dominance.
"Year 2000 I got me a computer, I know, so behind the times right? I got a
computer, and we were doing lifestyle stuff through email. I got on Alt.com
and I was doing a lot of lifestyle stuff with that. O n e day I w e n t as far as, I

was in a Yahoo clubthey weren't called groupsI was in this Yahoo club
and everybody was bashing this pro domme, <laminatiori> 'We don't want
no pros in here, get your money from somewhere else.' I didn't know what
pro domme meant. I thought pro domme mean professional people that
just dominate. I went to, oh god, I forget that chick's name, I went to her
websiteshe still operates to this day tooand I looked at the website and I

saw the prices and I was like, 'Oh my god. People get paid to do what I'm
doing?' And arrogantly I said to myself, 'If these bitches are making this
cheese, I know I could rack up.' And I felt like, if they could do it, I could
do it too."
(Sheba, Interview)

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Without the existence of online groups, many individuals would have had delayed
introductions to the world of BDSM.
The internet allows for private, anonymous inquiries into adult matters, at a very
low risk of personal exposure. Adult-oriented DVDs can be ordered online and delivered

in discreet, anonymous packaging. Alternately, adults can download streaming video

directly from the internet onto their home computers. Both of these approaches enable
viewers to obtain BDSM film materials with minimal risks to their privacy. In addition to
influencing the development of individual BDSM identities, as Sheba experienced, online
interaction enables people to form networks they would not be able to access otherwise.

BDSM practitioners in small towns or rural areas have equal access to web-based
information as their urban counterparts.
Members of NewCrop utilized internet resources, including a designated website
and social websites like Livejournal, to organize meetings and disseminate information.
Additionally, Livejournal was often used to collect information from members on a variety
of topics. Meeting dates were discussed, presentations announced, and munches
scheduled through the group's Livejournal community. Prior to the presentation David
and Diane gave at one meeting, they posted a poll on the Livejournal community to collect
information.
"On the back of the pink handout are key outlooks to humiliation play, and
a note on gender differences. These two make great anthropologists. They
explained in their talk that they have read the sexologists and pulled this
data from them. The bottom of the pink handout is a humiliation
questionnaire that was used prior to tonight, on Livejournal, for members
to fill out."
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)

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There is a generational difference in computer literacy and internet savvy.

Members of the "next generation" of BDSM, as the under-forty crowd is often called,24
have grown up with computer technology and are generally quite competent operators.
Although most older individuals are active online as well, many older people 1 met
lamented the lack of similar technology during their youth. They described years filled
with anxiety, w o n d e r i n g w h e t h e r or n o t they were t h e only ones w i t h their desires. M a n y

shared with me the relief they felt when they first saw BDSM-related materials, usually
adult magazines, which indicated they were not alone. A common sentiment was, "I wish I
knew sooner" that other people shared their proclivities, as many of them wound up in
(often regrettable) vanilla marriages. For members of the next generation, it is not
uncommon to join a BDSM community in one's early twenties.

24

I am taking the phrase from NewCrop as well as New York's "TES-TiNG," an acronym for The
Eulenspiegel Society - The Next Generation, a BDSM group for adults under 35.

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III. Identity
13. Identity Categories and Persona
"Being dressed up in brassiere and panties, handcuffed to a bed, and
spanked, afterwards licking a prostitute's feet or genitals, is simply
incompatible with one's identity as a male U.S. Senator. . . This may indeed
form part of the appeal of such activities: Participating in them temporarily
removes that identity."
(Baumeister 1988:41)
identity as multiple, fluid, situational
Like many facets of personality, sexual preference and erotic tastes are not merely
enacted or situated in activity. These characteristics become part of an individual's
identity, or notion of self. Rather than simply stating, "1 enjoy
frequently expressed the stance "I am

," interview participants

." This chapter explores the interaction of

identity and practice. I examine the categories of identification that fit within the matrix

of BDSM and correspond to the acronyms and activities outlined in Chapter Six. 1
conclude with a discussion of alternate persona that may arise in BDSM play.
Human beings are multifaceted, and our interactions are shaped by certain
culturally-recognized characteristics such as race, gender, class, age, religion, sexuality, and
so on. Our perspectives of reality are colored by the multiple lenses through which we view
the world. Throughout any given day we carry with us the baggage of multiple layers of
cultural identity. One can envision wearing a different pair of tinted sunglasses
representing each facet of our identities. O n some days these lenses fit neatly over each
other and add vibrant colors to our perspective. On other days they may not fit together
entirely well, or they may refract our vision, producing a view that is varied and potentially
contradictory.

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Sexuality is one of these lenses; it overlaps and is informed by the view all the other
lenses provide. The lens of desire is socially constructed during the viewer's lifetime.
"Our thesis is simply that desire is created by its cultural context. Sexuality
emerges from the circumstances and meanings available to individuals; it is
a product of socialization, opportunity, and interpretation."
(Blumstein and Schwartz 1990:310)
Several of the narratives in Chapter Eleven provided evidence of the early onset and
exploration of erotic tastes. Chapter Twelve hinted at some of the cultural experiences that
may have shaped desire.
Moving beyond questions of origin, I also asked interview participants about their
current roles and practices. No one gave me a simple, one-word answer. Instead, I
received multiple answers from everyone, ranging from ethnicity to economic background,
and from sexual orientation to gender. The answers also encompassed every imaginable
category of BDSM practice. Although participants spoke about the types of play they
preferred at other times during the interviews, answers to the question about BDSM roles
often involved terms that linked practice to identity. For instance, several people described
themselves as dominant or sadistic, without immediately elaborating on the forms of
sadism they enjoyed. In addition to possessing multiple lenses or overlapping sets of
identities (for example, one can be a male and a homosexual at the same time), many
interview participants indicated they perceived the varied aspects of their erotic identity to
be fluid, flexible, or situational.
Although categories themselves may not be culturally perceived as entirely fluid
(such as male/female, homosexual/heterosexual), membership or inclusion in categories
can change throughout a person's erotic life experiences. Blumstein and Schwartz also

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argue "that sexuality is situational and changeable, modified by day-to-day circumstances

throughout the life course" (1990:307). Further, certain aspects of identity are situationally
relevant, and certain cultural lenses are more salient in one setting than another. For
example, one's identity as a masochist is generally irrelevant in a corporate board meeting,
though it may be a topic of conversation among a close group of friends, whether or not
those friends are also involved in BDSM.
The various forms of BDSM sexual orientation, outlined in detail in the sections
below, exist among many identity categories relevant to the individuals I interviewed.
However, sexuality differs from the other lenses in one critical regard: it emerges from and
exists in action. While many facets of individual identity exist a priori, erotic identification
materializes through practice, desire, or a propensity to act in a certain manner. As I
discussed in Chapter Twelve, fantasy shapes erotic tastes. Although a specific fantasy may
never come to fruition, the themes that pervade an individual's fantasies often emerge in
sexual practice to varying degrees.
Several questions arise regarding the interplay of identity and practice. To what
degree does lived experience create identity? Must one participate in a particular activity to
validate one's identity? During my interviews, several people mentioned they perceived
themselves as fitting into a particular category, although they had not engaged in the
activities appropriate to a member of that category (i.e. "I see myself as

, but I've never

gotten to do that yet."). For individuals, patterns of desire appear sufficient to establish
identity. In interviews, people spoke about the impact their childhood fantasies had on
their sexual identity. Although there were a few cases where early fantasies were put into

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practice, such as David and Bill's narratives, opportunities to play out fantasy may not arise
until later in life.
Desire may not be sufficient to produce peer recognition within the BDSM
community. As a society, we set different standards for various types of personal
identification. For instance, we may recognize someone as heterosexual even if they have
no sexual experience. However, we don't consider someone a painter if they've never
created art. Which types of identification or social categories require some amount of lived
experience to qualify for inclusion in that category? In the case of BDSM, the answer to
this question depends on the specific social network in question. To be considered an Old
Guard Dominant, one must engage in a meticulous path of training, under supervision of
individuals who hold a particular form of social status within the leather scene. In the
Atlanta group I studied, I found people more willing to recognize novice practitioners as
valid, though inexperienced, provided they were upfront about their lack of relevant
experience and evidenced a willingness to learn.

dominants and submissives

As discussed in Chapter Six, many of the physical activities in BDSM scenes also
have the effect of establishing a power dynamic involving dominance and submission.
Among the labels available to practitioners of BDSM, dominant and submissive are perhaps
the most widely used and easily recognized in popular culture. A dominant is someone
who engages in asymmetrical power exchange with someone else, usually referred to as a
submissive. These terms represent the "D/s" identity paradigm in BDSM. Rather than

154

merely engaging in physical activities together, a dominant and submissive, by nature of the
type of play they choose, also interact mentally. They are not merely physically stimulating
each other. To use a phrase repeatedly overheard during my observations, they are
exchanging power.

Not everyone who is a dominant goes through rigorous Old Guard training, nor is
that training approach necessarily suitable for everyone interested in BDSM practice.
Nonetheless, dominance is a form of identity based on performed action. To be a
dominant one must practice (or at minimum, desire to practice) dominance, and learn
suitable safe techniques to be respected within the community as a whole. However, not
everyone who practices dominance chooses to identify as such. Many of the older Masters
joked that they accepted the title grudgingly, only after community members addressed
them as such for several years. The tide "Master" is often bestowed by peers; the process of
naming is explored in Chapter Fifteen.
Although the terms are a complimentary pair, one can be a dominant or submissive
without a lifestyle counterpart or a particular level of experience. One example was Jason,
a young man I met at a NewCrop meeting. Our interview was particularly interesting
because Jason was a novice dominant who had only nominal scene experience, but a large
mental catalog of ideas he hoped to soon encounter. In my field notes, I mention some of
my initial confusion about him:
"Amusingly, I had assumed he was a submissive because of the way he
approached me, very introverted and soft-spoken. We actually joked about
this after the interview, that he wasn't offended I was grateful. . . "
(Field Notes, April 6, 2002)

155

Jason had come to the NewCrop meeting with the goal of learning more about BDSM, and
he wanted to find a play partner. Jason said that he "wasn't a fetishist at all" but was
curious to explore his dominance.
Dominant/submissive roles were discussed in several interviews. Master Bob
described himself as a "middle aged. . . Caucasian white male, average American" who was
"dominant. . . slightly verging on sadistic, mildly sadistic. I have my moments but it's not

my thing." He later clarified that this meant he was a "sensual dom" rather than a sadist.
Anna also described herself as being dominant only, though she made an unsuccessful
attempt at submission in a past relationship:
"I am dominant only. I have a real problem being submissive in that kind
of way. . . Generally speaking, even if I do something that would be
categorized as submissive, I'm still doing it, I think, in such a way that lends
itself to me having control over the situation, if it's what I want to do. I
have a real issue with control. <laughs> I've known that for a long time.
And I, it's kind of difficult to say, but I will go ahead and say that I did sub
once for a boyfriend. Because you know, I thought it was a good long
lasting relationship. He loved me, and then I thought I would try it to see
what happened. He couldn't read things well, and either that orI'm really
good at hiding stuff. I completely freaked out, underneath my skin where I
guess he couldn't see it or he didn't notice. Whatever, you'd think that
someone [who is] that connected with you would understand."
(Anna, Interview)
Like Anna, most people placed an emphasis on playing the role that made them happiest,
and several others had learned through trial and error, which is a natural part of selfdiscovery.
When I interviewed Hannah, she said that one of the things she most enjoyed
within her BDSM experiences was showing herself being happy in submission, being happy
with her choices, and demonstrating that it was not about abuse. She said she had actually

156

dated men who had a problem with her independent nature. Because she was submissive
in scenes, partners expected her to behave like a slave all the time, which she had no desire
to do. I asked Hannah if she felt there was a difference between a submissive and a slave.
She responded:
"I think outside society people, and some of the people that are more rigid,
they put labels on there. I'm not into the labels. I mean, yeah you can say
that I'm acting submissive, that I'm being submissive to this person. But
when it comes to, you know, personal experience, like the guy I was dating.
I was submissive to him in the D/s, but when were done with that he wasn't
able to handle that I was my own person outside of that, that I did my own
thing. He was not able to handle that. He wanted me to be submissive all
the time and you know, that's just not me. When it comes right down to it,
I'm in control of me. Now when you go into that D/s role play sure, you
can.
(Hannah, Interview)
Her sentiment was echoed in most interviews; nearly everyone acknowledged the
importance of keeping BDSM in perspective as only one aspect of their identities as
complex individuals.
Consider Catherine's answer to my inquiry about her identity:
"I am a complicated person. . . There are many sides of me, I've been in
many places. I've been involved for a long time. So, I am owner. I am
trainer and I mean I earned it. I am not that, <lamination> 'I came to AOL
and got a little handle and became one.'
I have been a paid trainer in
New York for servants in homes who were hired. I go in, I work with them,
I also work as hard as the people who train with me, I have the files to back
it up. I am owner. I like owning property. I am sadistic. I enjoy
dominance. I understand how to create my world. I am also masochist. I
am also slave, and at various points in my life I have been different places.
And each of those were not-not for short periods of time. I held one
collar26 for nine and a half years. That collar made sure that I became a top.
So, I am all those. The best part of all, I am actually a whole person."
25

AOL is an acronym for America Online, an internet service known for hosting myriad adult-themed chat
rooms. A handle is an online nickname or identity.
26
To "hold a collar" means to be in the possession of another person. Usually, a collar is "worn," but when
the word "held" is used, it implies the collar is symbolic of ownership.

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(Catherine, Interview)
In addition to the outside lenses we all wear, individuals can enact multiple layers of
BDSM identity.

top/bottom and sadist/masochist

In addition to the terms dominant and submissive, two other binary categories are
options for BDSM identification. These categories are also based in practice, and each half
of the pair relies on the other for definition. There is a subtle difference between
dominant/submissive, sadist/masochist, and top/bottom. A top is someone who is
physically stimulating a bottom in a scene, or enacting something on the bottom. The top is
the giver, and the bottom the recipient, in activities that can be purely sadomasochistic,
fetishistic, sexual, or any combination thereof.
The interplay between the categories top/bottom and dominant/submissive can
seem confusing, but consider an analogy: every square is a rectangle, but not every
rectangle is a square. Likewise, some tops and bottoms are also involved in domination
and submission. On the other hand, nearly every example of domination and submission
includes the roles of top and bottom by default. Theoretically, it could be possible to
dominate someone without topping them: a dominant could order his submissive to whip
him, placing the dominant temporarily on the bottom or receiving end of the whip. The
dominant bottom would retain control over the duration and intensity of the whip strikes,
and the submissive top would obey the dominant's instructions.

158

A person can view himself as a top in one situation or a dominant in another. In

addition, some people switch between dominant and submissives roles. For many people I
interviewed, dominance and submission were characteristics of the relationships they were
in, but they topped others or bottomed to others outside of the relationship. In these
cases, the emotional connection and mental intensity of the dominant/submissive power
dynamic was reserved for their more intimate partners. Furthermore, many dominants
made a clear distinction between bottoming for the sake of learning versus submitting
control to someone else. As Rick mentioned, "The best learning I've ever had has been
bottoming" (Interview). He identified as a dominant who only switched or bottomed for
the purpose of learning new things. By opening himself to those experiences, he learned to
be a better top.
Sadists and masochists can also be both tops/bottoms, or dominants/submissives,
or all three at once. The distinction between sadist/masochist and top/bottom lies in the
specific nature of the activities in which they partake. Sadomasochism involves some
degree of pain, which is administered to the masochist/bottom. Continuing the square
analogy, all sadists/masochists are tops/bottoms, respectively, but not all tops/bottoms are
sadomasochists. Consider this excerpt from my interview with Erin:
"Well from the start, I am definitely a masochist. I enjoy heavy pain and
lots of aggression, violence, a lot of resistance play. Shove me around, pull
my hair, push me up against the wall, you know, that sort of thing. Single
tails, I'm definitely a masochist - give me the pain. Marking? Happy.
Happy, happy, happy, you know, let's go. I also like the opposite. I also
like to be the one inflicting the damage to that degree. So it's almost, as
cruel as I can be, I can be that compassionate. It's huge, a spectrum, but
when it comes down to the interpersonal part, once you get away from the
actual play scene I like the mental aspect where submissive/domination,
true power exchange cannot come from somebody unless they possess their

159

power, in my personal opinion. I don't meet very many people that are
capable of that. I don't, and it frustrates me because I teach, when I train
submissives from that standpoint which is why I thoroughly identify as a
switch because I can be either/or. It depends on the dynamics of the
person that I meet."
(Erin, Interview)
Her explanation touches on the variety of ways one individual can identify, and the
socially-situated nature of those identifications.
I also spoke with several dominants who considered themselves masochists and
would bottom for scenes that involved pain without submission. For example, Jen spoke
about a previous relationship she had with a woman who was her submissive but had a bit
of a sadistic streak. Jen identified as dominant but masochistic. During their play, Jen
often ordered her partner to perform sadistic acts upon her, but the woman would never
have enacted such things without Jen's direct orders (Interview).

switches
"We all serve each other."
(Yvonne, Interview)
As Erin explained, the unique dynamic that play partners share can affect the
identity of both individuals. Several of the men and women I interviewed identify as
switches, meaning they are comfortable in either the dominant or submissive role, or the
corresponding top/bottom roles. Whether one chooses to dominate someone or submit
to them could vary based on a number of factors. For instance, one woman was dominant
with men but submissive with women. Another woman enjoyed being dominant for
certain sadomasochistic activities with her partner, but she identified as a bottom for

160

bondage scenes. Others were in relationships in which both partners were switches, and
their power exchange fluctuated daily.
In our interview, Yvonne elaborated on her position as a switch:
"I'm pretty much down the middle of almost everything. I consider myself
pretty equally bi [bisexual]. Although at times of my life it has, changes in
shifts, back and forth and I can't tell you exactly why it happens. And same
for dominance, they switch pretty equally. . . Generally I am more
comfortable subbing for men, and domming women. Although I am not as
into dominance and submission in my play so usually I say top or bottom. .
. It's more about body sensation than ordering around."
(Yvonne, Interview)
For her, gender played a role in her position relative to her BDSM partners. Yvonne also
demonstrated the distinction between dominant/submissive terminology and top/bottom.
Not everyone I interviewed had such a positive perspective on switching roles in
BDSM. Sheba gave me her point of view:
"I used to be very biased against switches. I used to have an attitude when I
found out that a dommeI actually have respect for them now, but once
upon a time I didn't have respect for dominant women who were
submissive, so but now it's changed. Um, because of course my mind has
opened and has changed and only because if you can't identify with
something that you want then of course, you know. Being female
supremacist, I have no problem with females submitting to other females. I
like that, but I hate to think of a domme who's submitting to a Master. I
still to this day, and this may get me in trouble, but it's how I feel, I don't
consider any male dom dominant unless they are gay. I only respect gay
male doms. I have no, really no real respect for Masters that are hetero. It's
the deal of a man beating on a woman, you can see that in the vanilla
world."
(Sheba, Interview)
Although Sheba was the only one to articulate this perspective in an interview, I heard
others express similar ideas in casual conversations.

161

fetishists
Fetishists comprise another aspect of BDSM identity possibilities. One's identity as
a fetishist seems separate yet complimentary to one's position vis-cL-vis the matrix of
dominant/submissive, top/bottom, and sadist/masochist. As mentioned in Chapter Six,
some people identify only as fetishists, and don't see themselves situated anywhere else in
the community. These fetishists reported having no interest or personal engagement in
power exchange or other BDSM activities. Others maintained that their fetishism
complemented their dominant or submissive identities, such as the panty fetishist who was
also a switch, or the foot fetishist who was a submissive.
Fetishes are not necessarily object-based; one can fetishize an activity as well.
Several masochists characterized their love for pain as a fetish. Others identified one
particular type of BDSM play as their sole interest.
"As we also discussed, I initially fantasized more so about spanking women.
Over time, and actually pretty all of a sudden, my fantasies turned to my
being spanked by a woman. I consider myself a switch but if made to
choose, I'd go for the FemDom 27 session or scenario. So, why? I don't
really know in all honesty. I've read a lot of speculation and conjecture
about why. But, I cannot say with 100% conviction why I enjoy the
prospect of or the actual occurrence of being made to bare my bottom, get
across a lady's thighs and have her spank me."
(Bart, email correspondence, April 2004)
For Bart, spankings were the only activity within BDSM that held his interest long term.
Bart originally was a top, one who gave spankings, but he couldn't figure out at which
point that changed for him.

27

"FemDom" is an abbreviation for Female Dominance. I rarely heard it used in spoken discourse, but 1 saw
it frequently in print advertisements for professional female dominants.

162

persona
"Masochism seeks to escape the normal, familiar self, as defined in a
symbolic,

high-level,

long-term

manner.

Two

important

-ways

of

accomplishing this are to re-focus awareness on the self in a physical, lowlevel immediate manner, and to create a new, fantasized identity that is
fundamentally different from the self that is escaped."
(Baumeister 1988:36)
A common theme in interviews was the importance of BDSM as a positive outlet
for stress relief, or a n escape from m u n d a n e reality. Baumeister argues that masochism

allows people in positions of authority to experience a different level of self, and I argue
that this is true with' any form of BDSM play. Pain is not the only avenue to a mental
vacation. Any activity that differs gready from the usual daily routine has potential to
provide stress relief. Further, I would argue that BDSM activities, in which one loses
traditional status or identity and replaces it with something new, are designed with selfexploration and re-identification in mind.
Going a step beyond the "escape from reality" paradigm, participants in BDSM
often recreate reality, or co-construct alternate realities and alternate performances of self.
Baumeister continues:
"Becoming someone different is a further step in escape from self. Indeed,
one could argue that changing one's identity is the ultimate fulfillment of
masochistic desires to be rid of one's ordinary self: One becomes someone
else."

(1988:43)
During a few of my casual chats with people in the BDSM scene in New York City, there
was some discussion about the existence of separate persona28 that individuals created for
their BDSM scenes. Very few people I interviewed in Atlanta used this particular term.
28

I utilize the term persona because it is concise and accurate, although it originated in a different regional
BDSM social network.

163

However, the theme of alternate selves, which can be realized in different BDSM contexts,
arose frequently.
Persona exist in different tropes: dominant women who take on the role of the
femme fatale, submissive m e n w h o wear diapers a n d act like babies, role players w h o b e c o m e

human ponies or puppies, and so on. Often these roles serve as a way of "letting go" and
separating oneself from normal identity, both in the day-to-day world and within the
BDSM world. In other words, an individual may have one identity within the BDSM
social network for majority of their play, and utilize a different persona for specialized
activities. Often these persona are reserved for acting out fantasies that may be perceived
as slightly marginal, even by BDSM community standards.
Persona play a role in establishing ritual space, delineating specialized forms of role
play, or pushing an individual's personal boundaries. I attended one presentation on
humiliation play, and members of the audience received several handouts. One handout
titled "Tips for Tops" began with the following words of advice:
"If the role of humiliating sadist is awkward, think of it as an acting job. It
is acting, after all, but acting out a part of you that's real."
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)
The dissociation of a persona from the "normal self allows an individual to do or say
things they otherwise may not say or do. BDSM scenes create safe spaces in which persona
are allowed to emerge.

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III. Identity
14. Gender Performance
This chapter discusses the role of gender as a facet of personal identity, and
explores the effects of gender performances on BDSM activities and social roles. Following
an overview of terminology, I propose a BDSM gender matrix. Transgender issues are
briefly explored. Finally, I discuss the influence of gender on interview participants' play
preferences and fetishes.
Feminist scholars have described the sex/gender system, in which sex is the biological
category of an individual (male or female) and gender is the socio-cultural production and
construction of incidents of the individual's biological sex.
"As a preliminary definition, a 'sex/gender system' is the set of
arrangements by which a society transforms biological sexuality into
products of human activity, and in which these transformed sexual needs
are satisfied."
(Rubin 1975:159)
In other words, what is biologically male or female is a universally-recognized physical fact,
while social display rules for masculine or feminine behavior vary widely across cultures.
Others have criticized the sex/gender model, citing that gender is utilized to
construct biological sex as a phenomenon that exists above and before the effects of
discourse. According to Judith Butler:
"There is no gender identity behind the expressions of gender; that identity
is perfqrmatively constituted by the very 'expressions' that are said to be its
results."
(1990:25)
Butler appears to be engaging in an academic and theoretical version of the classic chicken
and egg debate. Which comes first? Which constructs or is constituted by the other? To

165

Butler, gender is not a noun, but an effect29 that is performatively produced and proscribed
by dominant social guidelines. Rather than existing as an isolated entity, gender
constitutes identity:
"Gender is the repeated stylization of the body, a set of repeated acts within
a highly rigid regulatory frame that congeal over time to produce the
appearance of substance, of a natural sort of being."
(Butler 1990:33)
Because Butler's language can be unnecessarily convoluted, I will cite another author's
summary of Butler's argument:
"Butler's main idea, first introduced in Gender Trouble in 1989 and repeated
throughout her books, is that gender is a social artifice. Our ideas of what
women and men are reflect nothing that exists eternally in nature. Instead
they derive from customs that embed social relations of power."
(Nussbaum 1999)
When articulated in a clearer fashion, Butler's argument seems straightforward enough.
Our gender displays are mitigated by culture.
The performance of gender meshes with the performance of BDSM identities in
complex ways. Some gender theorists have argued that although the majority of
individuals function within a heteronormative set of gender options, known as the
"heterosexual matrix" (Butler 1990), there are possibilities to be explored outside of this
limiting range of identifications. In addition to the fluidity of gender expression normally
available to those seeking to operate outside the realm of heteronormativity, BDSM offers

29

I would like to suggest an alternate term: that of emotive affect, as used by Butler (i.e. "affectivity" in Butler
1990:92). Ordinarily, effect (with an e) is a noun, and affect (with an a) is a verb. However, in anthropological
studies of emotion, the term affect is used as a noun also. Affect refers to vocal or visual performances of
emotional displays that are made more obvious or noticeable in order to accomplish a specific social purpose
or follow a proscribed cultural rule.

166

an added layer of complexity to gender expression, through role play and the development
of persona.

the BDSM gender matrix

In discussions of the heterosexual matrix, several questions arise. Butler asks
whether transgressive gender behavior always presupposes what it parodies, which assumes
transgressive performances are in fact parodies. Butler implies that all gender

performances are inherently limited by our linguistic and conceptual realities (1990:9).
Nussbaum problematizes Butler's position in the following way:
"In other words: I cannot escape the humiliating structures without ceasing
to be, so the best I can do is mock, and use the language of subordination
stingingly. In Butler, resistance is always imagined as personal, more or less
private, involving no unironic, organized public action for legal or
institutional change. . . She tells usthis is the central thesis of The Psychic
Life of Power that we all eroticize the power structures that oppress us, and

can thus find sexual pleasure only within their confines. . . For Butler, the
act of subversion is so riveting, so sexy, that it is a bad dream to think that
the world will actually get better. What a bore equality is! No bondage, no
delight. In this way, her pessimistic erotic anthropology offers support to
an amoral anarchist politics."
(Nussbaum 1999)
A less pessimistic theory would be: there is an opportunity for original, creative gender
performances outside of the heterosexual matrix, which can be conducted within a queer
community of practice.
I argue that BDSM culture has its own gender matrix that exists in ways both
mirroring and distorting the standard heteronormative model. Masculine and feminine
identity categories exist not unlike those of mainstream society; however in the BDSM

See Butler 1997.

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social network gender identities do not necessarily reflect sexual identity. Culturally
constructed gender is more salient than biological (or modified, in the case of transsexual
individuals) sex. The BDSM gender matrix allows for masculine or feminine
performances, regardless of sex, in dominant/submissive or top/bottom dyads. I outline
the matrix in the table below, including a few possible tropes or roles for each category.
Table 14.1: BDSM Gender Matrix

dominant/top

submissive/bottom

masculine
Master
Daddy
Sir
boy
butler
cuckold

feminine
Mistress
Mommy
Dominatrix
girl
maid
kajira31

During my research, I encountered different individuals whose behavior fit into the
categories outlined in this table. Although they chose many different titles for themselves
(discussed in Chapter Fifteen) and some exhibited highly individualized performances,
most gender performances fit roughly into one of the four broad categories I describe.
Even during animal-based role play, in which submissives behaved as though they were
puppies, ponies, or other animals, gender was expressed in one of two ways.
Old Guard roles form the basis for the development of the BDSM gender matrix.
Historically, roles such as Master/slave or Daddy/boy were only held by men, which may
account for the lack of separate gender paradigms for women. As women were gradually
included into leather family structures in recent decades, they often took on roles
previously held by men, without changing the titles or meanings. As one example,
consider the roles of the "leather Daddy" who is a dominant top, and the "boy" who is a
31

As discussed in Chapter Twelve, a kajira is a female erotic slave (Norman 1983).

168

submissive bottom; this is a masculine set of identifications that can be claimed by both
men and women. The title "boy" refers to a service position, and I knew one woman in
New York who proudly held that title. She trained under two gay male Masters, and later
became a well-known dominant. Master Bill's story was similar:
"I definitely identify with my dominant side, but I'm not the kind of a
dominant that is overbearing. I'm a sort of gentle, Daddy dominant.
While I will train guys from time to time, I prefer to train women. . . When
I first got into this lifestyle as such, or I realized what I was doing with my
wife, we divorced, I met a man from upstate New York. I can't be explicit
about that, because though he's dead by now, I was sworn to secrecy. He
invited me to come to his mansion and train in Old Guard leather style. So
I was submissive to all the higher ranking dominants, but at the same time
[asked toj train a male and I said, 'I'm not gay.' The Grand Master said,
'Neither is your slave.' <laughter> So needless to say I had to learn how to
get along with the same gender and dominate, and I'm glad I did, because
it's helped me."
(Master Bill, Interview)
It is interesting to note that the dominant or top role is presented as being not only
masculine but also virile, procreative, and protective by virtue of "Daddy" or "Papa Bear"
being a parental term. One cannot be a "Daddy" in the traditional "vanilla" sense of the
term, without having produced offspring, or taking responsibility for raising someone else's
child. The term "boy" on the other hand, is both emasculating, diminutive, and associated
with childhood, in addition to having a history of use in the Southeast as a demeaning
term for adult African American men.
In addition to co-opting masculine roles for dominance, women have innovated
feminine models as well. The feminine equivalents to the Daddy dominant trope are
either the caring "Mommy" or stern "Governess." The classic leather-clad "Mistress" may
act as a female counterpart to "Master." As discussed in Chapter Fifteen, these titles are

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viewed by some as inherently problematic, because of the negative connotations they often
have.
Submissive roles are split into gender pairs based largely on the variety of service
being offered to the dominant or top. Traditionally, butlers and maids both attend to
houses, but in different ways. The role of well-dressed maid appears much more frequently
than the butler in BDSM imagery, regardless of the maid's sex. Cross-dressing "sissy
maids" are trained in the same manner as female maids, although additional emphasis may
be placed on dress, posture, and decorum (Abernathy 1996). Alternately, a male cuckold
may be denied intimacy, but sexual service is the primary function of a female kajira.
During interviews, women often spent more time talking about gender. The topic
seemed to warrant further analysis or discussion. Men usually declared their gender in
simple terms (i.e. "male, bisexual, dominant") and moved on to other topics. Many of the
men I interviewed didn't even mention their gender identity in response to my question.
The notion of the male as "unmarked" or unexamined was consistent with the categorical
terminology for BDSM gender options. Masculine categories/terms existed prior to their
feminine counterparts in leather history. I was often told that male submissives are the
most numerous category within BDSM, perhaps because men traditionally have roles of
social dominance in the "vanilla" world. This may explain the preponderance of terms for
male submissives, which implies some diversity in the types of submissive roles they play.

transgenderism and transsexualism

"I'm the big hairy guy, who, ah is actually a transgendered lesbian."
(Brad, Interview)

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The topic of transgenderism arose in a few interviews. In these examples,

transgender identity was all-encompassing, not limited to BDSM gender identity. For
instance, a biological female may play the role of the butch leather Daddy in BDSM
interactions, but interact with the "vanilla" world as female in both sex and gender. For
individuals who are trartsgendered, who feel they were born into the wrong body, shifting
gender is a 24/7 proposition. Because he was only in the initial stages of coming to terms
with his gender dysphoria, Brad was still living full-time as male. Thus, I gave him a male
pseudonym. His wife Petra didn't consider herself transgendered, but said that she
definitely had a "little bit of a tomboy streak" (Interview).
When I asked Sheba how she identified, her response focused primarily on gender
and race, explaining that she was an African American woman who was also dominant.
Sheba is a biological female, not transsexual or transgender, and she related an ongoing
joke:
"Definitely female. I mean, I don't think, unless somebody is very homoshocked, I have to say. At one point in time, I used to get these,
<laminatiori> 'You were born woman, right.7' I think it was stupid because
it's obvious if you look at me, that you could tell. And I don't put a lot of
makeup on on the website, so you can tell I'm not a TS, 32 you can tell I'm a
female. But I always thought the ones that act that way really wanted me to
be one. . . that's a big fetish out there. You know, I used to get offended,
but I'm like, 'Do you want me to be one? I can arrange for someone to
come over, you know.' But black female is the main thing I identify with."
(Sheba, Interview)
What Sheba describes in this narrative is the fetishization of transsexualism. Several
professional dominant women I met made comments about the perceptions of gender in
their line of work. One tactic to damage another professional female dominant's business
32

TS is an acronym for transsexual. A less commonly used acronym is TG, for transgendered.

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was to spread rumors that she was transsexual. On the other hand, many prospective
clients inquired about transsexuals as a tool for fulfilling their fantasies, which alludes to
the contradictory views that heterosexual male clients may have about transsexual women.
Transsexual women may be perceived by heterosexual men as sexually off-limits yet exotic
or exciting.

gender's role in play preferences

In addition to personal identity, many individuals mentioned gender as a factor in
their BDSM play preferences. Gender affected partner selection, sometimes interacting
with sexual orientation in non-traditional ways:
"It was actually kind of interesting. As I've gotten older, I've found that I
prefer to play with girls because it's less sexual for me. And I feel like a
woman is able to read a woman's body better. I feel like there's better
communication there than with a male."
(Hannah, Interview)
Hannah described herself as heterosexual, but her partner choice was based more on
communication and emotional comfort rather than sexual desire. For her, BDSM existed
as a separate set of activities, only loosely related to her sexuality.
Yvonne identified as bisexual, and explained that she often preferred to take on
different roles within the BDSM matrix, depending on the sex of her partner.
"Generally I am more comfortable subbing for men, and domming women.
Although I am not as into dominance and submission in my play so usually
I say top or bottom. . . It's more about body sensation than ordering
around. So generally, most of the time, topping women and being topped
by men. That's not necessarily always true either."
(Yvonne, Interview)

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In addition to object choice and role preference, gender can affect the nature of BDSM
scenes as well. Several professional dominant women reported that their client base was
almost entirely male. During her presentation to NewCrop, Jen described the gender of
her clients as "at least 90% male" (Field Notes, May 8, 2004).
The issue of gender differences played a large role in another NewCrop meeting.
During their presentation on humiliation, David and Diane discussed the ways that men
and women eroticized humiliation differently. Consider the following passage from my
field notes:
"They explained that while both sexes had interests in the verbal element of
humiliation, they differed on the types of verbal humiliation they fantasized
about, according to the research they had read.
Men fantasized about:
1. stripping away their identifications, particularly titles or job-related status
2. golden showers, scat play, play involving bodily fluids
3. oral humiliation, such as boot worship or having things put in their
mouths (i.e. gags, dildos, etc)
4. cuckolding
Women fantasized about:
1. fantasy settings
2. being put on display or exposed, particularly their genitals
3. being objectified, such as pony play, where they were not human"
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)
These conclusions were drawn from reading the research of others, as well as a survey they
conducted of NewCrop members on the Livejournal website. Humiliation is discussed in
more detail in Chapter Seventeen.

gender crossing as fetish

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A common theme in the realm of professional female dominance is that of forced

feminization. Professional dominants refer to their paid scenes as sessions. In forced
feminization sessions, men pay to be dressed up as women, often while being humiliated
for seemingly effeminate behavior. However, since the client is paying for this activity, it
cannot truly be viewed as "forced."
"One of the things that I kind of enjoy doing is playing with guys that cross
gender. Lots of times, I've kind of surprised some people. You get the guys
down there in a little French maid costume or the little petticoats and all of
that. I'll smack the seat of his panties, or something like that, and oh, he's
just thrilled that someone is willing to pay some attention to him."
(Master Bill, Interview)
The most colorful descriptions of submissive identity options were applied to men who
identified as feminine in play, for whom gender-crossing was a fetish. I heard expressions
such as "sissy," "sissy-slut," "sissy maid," and so on. The process of cross-dressing someone
in a forced feminization scene was sometimes referred to as sissification.
Cross-dressers do not generally identify as transsexual or transgendered, and they
are predominately heterosexual. Rather than seeking to permanently modify their bodies
through sex reassignment surgery (transsexual) or transitioning to live full time as women
(transgendered), cross-dressers are only choosing external, temporary modifications of self
through wardrobe, make-up, and wigs. Many of the stories that were forwarded to me via
the internet included scenarios of cross-dressers being caught, generally by attractive

33

A less common, yet related form of play is the paradoxical forced bisexuality, in which men are asking to be
"forced" to perform sexual acts on each other. It is important to note that most of the professional
dominants that I conversed with explained they did not engage in this type of session for legal and safety
reasons. However, it raises an interesting issue about the differences between one's declared identity/sexual
orientation and actual sexual practices.

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women, and having to suffer the consequences of their gender transgressions.34 The
language of these stories evidences a certain degree of internalized guilt and hegemonic
masculinity. By utilizing the same moralistic language of humiliation during forced
feminization sessions, professional d o m i n a n t s may inadvertently reinforce their clients'

heteronormative perspectives.

' A detailed example is provided in the domestic language section of Chapter Sixteen.

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III. Identity
15. The Power of Naming
performative language
"Name-giving is a powerful activity, a symbol of sovereignty."
(Lerner 1986:182)
This chapter discusses naming as one aspect of BDSM identity formation. Naming
is performative, enacting, and constitutive of identity. By naming something, the speaker
bestows a potentially life-long identity upon the recipient. According to linguistic
definitions, performative refers to a speech act that causes something to be, or creates
something, by virtue of its utterance alone. Elocutionary phrases such as "I promise" or "I
pronounce you husband and wife" are considered to be performative utterances (Austin
1961). These expressions "do not describe a pre-existing state of affairs but actually bring
one into being" (Cameron 1998:271).
The social validity of a performative utterance largely depends on the nature of the
speaker. The speaker must be socially ratified or granted the authority to make such
pronouncements, either by members of the community or the nation-state. For example,
the statement "I now pronounce you husband and wife" is performative only when spoken
by a priest, a notary public, or other such official. In order for a marriage to be recognized
by the state, the union performed by the speech act must be documented and recognized
by the nation-state. In non-state functions or social events, a performative utterance merely
requires a necessary level of communicative competence or professional credibility, which
can be highly situational, individual, and transient.

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As described in Chapter Fourteen, the postmodern notion of performativity was

derived from the linguistic definition of performative:
"Performative acts are forms of authoritative speech: most performatives,
for instance, are statements that, in the uttering, also perform a certain
action and exercise a binding power... If the power of discourse to produce
that which it names is linked -with the question of performativity, then the
performative is one domain in which power acts as discourse."
(Butler 1993:225)
Using the above definition as a starting point for her discussion, Butler develops an
argument for gender as a form of social performance, which she calls performativity. This
modified notion of performativity involves the ways individuals perform gender and enact
identity. Utilizing Butler's definition, BDSM identities are highly performative in bodily
presentation, verbal expression, and otiter outward manifestations.

feminist theology and the power of naming

Giving someone a name is a unique variety of performative utterance. When a
baby is named by its parents, that name usually remains throughout the child's life.
Nicknames, given later in life, often refer to a particular characteristic of an individual's
personality or appearance, or they may relate to a life-changing event. The domain of
name-giving was historically a male prerogative:
"Thus, the divine breath creates, but human naming gives meaning and
order. And God gives the power of that kind of naming to Adam. If we
read the Hebrew word 'adam' as 'humankind,' then we would expect God
to give the power of naming both to the male and the female of the species.
But in this instance, God granted that power specifically to the human male
only."
(Lerner 1986:181)

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Feminist historians and theologians have questioned the act of naming and its social
ramifications for gender equality.
Mary Daly originated the phrase "name reality" (1973) in her discussion of the
significance of gender in early Christianity. Naming does more than give something a
label, it also establishes a certain relationship between the name-giver and the named.
Consider the following quote from Gerda Lerner's The Creation of Patriarchy, which
mentions the power held by a name:

"Naming has profound significance in the Old Mesopotamian belief system.

The name reveals the essence of the bearer; it also carries magic power. The
concept lives on through the millennia in myth and fairy tale. The person
who can guess the name of another acquires power over him, as in the
German fairy tale 'Rumpelstilskin.'"
(1983:151)
One criticism of naming as a masculine privilege comes from the power dynamic it
establishes. Lerner explains, "This authority also implies intimacy; it implies
interdependency" (1986:181).
Many feminists have called for linguistic change in historical and theological
discussions.

In an essay criticizing patriarchal language in religious contexts, one author

explains:
"To understand why people currently use exclusively masculine God language
and why we should attempt to create female God language, we must first
explain the nature of God language and its limitations. We must then describe
the process by which God languages are created and changed."
(Gross 1992:168-169, original emphasis)

Gross also comments, "A God language does not really tell us about God, but it does tell
us a considerable amount about those who use the God language" (1992:170). Further,

35

For examples, see Ruether 1989 and Saiving 1992.

178

she argues that retaking the right to name things is a critical aspect of feminist scholarship
(Gross 1996:111).
Lerner explains that a concept must exist before creation can occur. That concept
can be an aspect of an individual's personality, waiting to be signified by a nickname:
"There is also, in these myths from the third and second millennia B.C.,
evidence that a new concept of creation enters religious thinking: Nothing
exists unless it has a name. The name means existence. The gods receive
their existence through name-giving, as do humans. . . But before creation
can take place, there must be a concept, something 'within them,' which
will later be 'named' or 'called' into life."
(Lerner 1986:150)
In Atlanta, I met individuals involved with BDSM who had chosen new names for
themselves or others. These new names served several social functions, allowing
community members to become more open about their erotic tastes while simultaneously
preserving some aspects of their privacy.

re-naming in BDSM
"A person newly endowed with power is renamed."
(Lerner 1986:151)
One critical piece of BDSM identity formation comes from the choosing or
receiving of a new name, often called a scene name. Everyone has a legal name, given to
them at birth. However, as Lerner explains:
"But there is another kind of naming, which we might call 're-naming,'
which signifies the assumption of a new and powerful role for the person so
re-named."
(Lerner 1986:182)

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Scene names may be voluntarily selected by an individual for various reasons, or they may
be bestowed upon another person, formally or informally. Traditionally, Old Guard
dominants earned the title of Master, and could give names to their slaves. The majority of
the people I met in the Atlanta BDSM community used names they chose for themselves,
although there were exceptions.
Paid professional dominants tended to rename themselves for purported reasons of
safety and security, often expressing concerns about potential stalkers, but many of them
placed ads online or in magazines that contained photos of their faces. The dominants
who discussed their work with me often made jokes about the names chosen by other
professional dominants, as well as prospective submissive clients. Jen joked, "All the
clients in this city are named Jim!" (Interview) and one of her coworkers interjected "Oh,
it's Bill week again" when she was taking the dungeon's business calls. One woman who
worked with Jen explained that she chose a scene name because her real name sounded too
"soft" and she felt it would affect her business. She was concerned that clients would see
her name in advertisements and think she was a submissive.
I know a dominant woman in New England who uses an initial as a scene name I'll call her Sir T. She told me an amusing story about her friend who lived out of state.
The young woman was planning to relocate to New England, become a live-in
slave/partner to Sir T, and continue taking sessions as professional dominant, which she
had done in her previous location. Sir T ordered her to change the name she was using for
her sessions. T said the woman was allowed to keep the first name, but the last name was
so preposterous that no one on the East Coast would take her seriously. I agreed that the

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first name was lovely, but the faux surname sounded like a disease. When 1 related this
story to Brad and his household, he jokingly replied, "I am the Lady Typhoid Mary!"
One look through any magazine devoted to BDSM reveals certain trends in
naming. Names of famous literary sadomasochists abound (Marquis de Sade, Mistress de
Sade, Venus) as do names that refer to gothic imagery (Raven, Rose), history (Cleopatra,
Kali) or the arts (Ilsa, Valkyrie). Often women choose names that derive from their real
names, or are lengthened versions of tbeir given names, because they are perceived as being
m o r e dignified. As a rule, names for dominants are always capitalized, including p r o n o u n
references, b u t submissive names a n d p r o n o u n s are always lower case. Q u i t e a few

submissives explained that the automatic grammar correction features of most word
processing software led to some frustration involving the use of the lower case first person
p r o n o u n "i".
In some cases, d o m i n a n t s were granted names or titles by others within the BDSM
community, generally as a sign of respect. O n e example was the d o m i n a n t I gave the
pseudonym Master Bill:
"I d i d n ' t start referring myself as a Master, n o t even a d o m i n a n t . People
started calling me Master <Name>. . . It's n o t a title that I took. It's a title
that was bestowed u p o n m e . So I d i d n ' t begin using it until, it wasn't until
after other people started referring to m e as Master <Name>. W h e n they
did that, I felt t h e n I had earned it."
(Bill, Interview)
Bill perceived the title Master as a status of sorts, that had to be attained through time and
effort. H e h a d to establish himself as a respectable member of the BDSM community
before anyone would consider calling him Master. Often names were linked to rites of
passage or personal journeys, after which an individual could emerge changed a n d wiser. I

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knew a friend who renamed herself after moving from one state to another. She chose a
derivation of her middle name, because she desired a new start and a new outlook on life,
which she felt could be achieved in a new place.

gendered titles
Although Old Guard terms are still prevalent in BDSM communication, numerous
other lexical options allow for flexibility in role, title, and status. Defining roles for
dominant women has been slightly problematic, at least in regards to language. Original
language exists for male dominants, including titles such as "Master" or "Sir." In modern
English, the female equivalents of these terms, "Mistress" and "Madam," have taken on
decidedly different meanings. "Mistress" often refers to a woman who is having an affair
with a married man, and a "Madam" is known for organizing prostitution. Several
professional dominant women expressed difficulties in choosing titles for themselves. As
Vivian joked, the term dominatrix was unacceptable, because "there are no tricks in what I
do!" The neutral term domina was often seen as a solution to the problem.
During interviews, I only came across one example of gender crossing in selection
of titles. Diane goes by "Master Diane," as she explained during our interview:
"Perhaps I have just found the match for me. We experimented a little bit
in the beginning. Master sounds right. It just rolls off the tongue well, it's
a very strong name, strong connotations. Mistress? Lots of clumsy syllables.
<]aughs> Master just seemed to fit. And I've actually corrected people. I
was doing some work here recently with someone else's sub, and he insisted
on calling me Mistress during the day that we were working together. I was
like, you can call me Ma'am for today. It just grated for some reason,
maybe because I'm so much of a tomboy I don't want to be girly-girl."
(Diane, Interview)

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Both David and Diane came across as being very conscious of language, particularly lexical
choices for BDSM identity. They also talked at great length about the terms bottom,
submissive, and masochist, and why they chose the terms they did. Like Sir T, David
laughed about comical BDSM names:
"I used to joke at <BDSM group name>. . . We essentially had
memberships, but we didn't call them that. We had memberships, and you
could put your scene name on the card. We have a lot of kittens, lions,
lords and knights. I said, we can do a Ren [Renaissance] Fair version of
Noah's Ark!"
(David, Interview)
Not all BDSM practitioners choose to use scene names. Some of the people 1
interviewed opted to use their real names, with or without a title such as "Master" or
"Mistress." Others eschewed titles, preferring simplicity. During our interview, Jason said
that he wasn't a fan of "pomp and circumstance," that he wasn't a fetishist at all, and
didn't need fetish clothes for a scene. Further, he didn't plan to choose a scene name as
his dominance developed, because he felt someone should be submitting to him as an
individual, without the construction of a separate character.
Regardless of the names they choose, participants in BDSM are electing to shape
their own identities through the use of language. The next six chapters examine the
importance of language in BDSM interactions.

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IV. Communication
16. Lexicon
"To briefly digress again, you will recall (from the readings I gave
you) that Islamic art never depicts the Godhead. They consider it untoward
for mortals to show Allah's face or to use his name with too much
familiarity. We were like that once. We didn't talk a lot about what we did
in the dark. There weren't names for everything. We didn't know what to
call it. We didn't call it anything, certainly not sadomasochism. None of us
read von Sacher-Masoch or the Marquis de Sade.
Today it's words, words, words, but in the beginning there was no
need for generalized vocabulary. You knew everybody by name. The low
men on the scrotum pole might answer to 'boy' or 'meat' or 'hey-you-getyour-ass-over-here,' but certainly not to 'slave,' or 'ronin,' or even 'bottom.'
Top and bottom were sex positions, not personality archetypes. Most who
occupied the lower cases would, over the years, graduate to seniority,
becoming ancestors of today's leather daddies."
(Mandrake 2007:8)
One cannot overstate the importance of studying language as a part of culture
(Sapir 1949:207), because language is a mechanism through which human beings create
and maintain cultural practices and social standards. Thus, discourse exists as a form of
social action, rather than merely the manifestation of subconscious grammatical machinery
(Goodwin 1990:4). Throughout the chapters that comprise this section, I build upon the
previous sections that discussed activities and identity, and move forward with an analysis
of the role communication plays in BDSM. This chapter explores the specialized
vocabulary in BDSM communication.

from the lavender lexicon to leather linguistics

Sociolinguistic studies of any culture frequently begin with the construction of a
lexicon, which includes a list of specialized terms and their particular use in that culture.
When studies of gay men's language first emerged in the 1970s, the academic focus of the

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earliest articles was vocabulary, or argot, used by members of the homosexual community
(Farrell 1972, Dynes 1985). A similar volume devoted to sadomasochistic language was
published nearly two decades ago (Murray and Murrell 1989).
In the years that followed, studies of gay men's slang, becoming known in queer
academic circles as the "lavender lexicon" or "lavender linguistics" (Leap 1995), developed
more depth and scope. It is my aim to follow the same path with the study of BDSM
language, or what I call leather linguistics. I, too, am beginning with a description of
terminology and building upon that knowledge over the next several chapters.
In one of the first books to take a more ethnographic approach to the study of
homosexual vernacular, Leap described five functions of "Gay English discourse" in the
lives of gay men:
1. language of desire
2. format for performative display
3. release from shame
4. cooperative discourse
5. language of risk
(Leap 1996:xii)
I argue that these same characteristics also apply to BDSM discourse. In previous chapters,
I have explored the notions of performance, desire, and risk. I elaborate on the function
of shame in Chapters Seventeen and Eighteen. The cooperative function of language in
relationship building is a major theme of Chapter Nineteen.

the role of specialized language

Specialized vocabulary plays a large role in BDSM interaction, both at the
descriptive level and at the level of ideology or abstract notions. Terms describe

185

implements, activities, people, events, and ideas. Not only is a shared vocabulary critical
for medical safety in certain situations, it is equally important that scene participants
engage in a mutually satisfying mental experience. Elaborate verbal negotiations that often
precede BDSM scenes are most effective when speakers are able to operate with similar
ideas about the shades of meaning many words can convey.
In addition to terminology that is widely accepted and used among the BDSM
social scene as a whole, special interests groups often have their own distinct lexicons. Subcommunities exist for numerous forms of play: Atlanta has local meetings for spankers,
conference sessions for bondage enthusiasts, monthly munches for age players, and so
forth. There are online communities for nearly every special interest imaginable, many of
which used terminology that was unfamiliar to me.
Despite the diversity of BDSM, lexical themes emerge that are shared among an
array of speakers. The words play, slut, or training can be combined with almost any other
kink-related word, forming new compound words. Some examples include role play and
pony play, cane slut and pain slut, maid training and waist training. The formula word +
slut mimics a pattern seen in Gay English as well, regarding queen:
"As we would expect from the process of categorization, the richest features
of social Gayspeak are found in the lexicon, particularly in compound
constructions. Perhaps the most widely employed stem word for building
compounds is queen. . . There is no limit except each speaker's imagination,
and neologisms are constantly being coined."
(Hayes 1976:259)
The widest variety of compound words contain play. Unlike several terms
commonly overheard during my research, which seem to be of relatively recent origin, play

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has been utilized in BDSM speech for decades. It is defined in The Language of
Sadomasochism as follows:
"play 1: n (OED 1200, 'amusement'; probably 20 th century) Participation
in sadomasochistic scenario.*
2: v (OED 1391, 'amuse oneself through activity'; probably 20 th century)
Participate in sadomasochistic scenario 'Submissive needs playmate for
play' (personal ad, adult bookstore, Columbus, Ohio, 3/12/87)."
(Murray and Murrell 1989:106407) 36
Although the definition given by Murray and Murrell is still accurate, their description
doesn't mention the ubiquitous nature of compound words containing play, nor do such
terms or phrases appear elsewhere in the volume.
The majority of BDSM vocabulary involves words that are consistently understood
to have only one particular meaning. Other phrases, such as edge play, may have multiple
connotations. Some define edge play as sadomasochistic activity involving knives, scalpels,
or other sharp objects. However in its more common use, the phrase pertains to activities
that are perceived as being "on the edge" in regards to community acceptance, safety and
risk level, or infrequency of occurrence. Examples are asphyxiation, branding, cutting, and
so on.
The table below contains a limited example of the BDSM vocabulary I encountered
in Atlanta. Every term listed here appears in my field notes, audio recordings, or both.
The majority of the activity terms are defined in Chapter Six, and most identity terms are
discussed in C h a p t e r Thirteen.

35

In this example, the asterisk simply indicates that the phrase "sadomasochistic scenario" appears with a
definition elsewhere in the text.

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Table 16.1; Sample BDSM Lexicon

Activity terms:
Word + play: abrasion play, age play, ass play, blood play, edge play, electro-play, fire play,
genital play, heat play, invasive play, knife play, needle play, nipple play, percussion play,
pony play, puppy play, role play, toy play, urethral play, vaginal play
Word + training: diido training, gait training, voice training, waist training
Other: asphyxiation, aftercare, bondage, branding, breath play, CBT, cutting, fisting,
flogging, genitorture, mummification, OTK, presenting, sensory deprivation, spanking,
whipping
Object terms:
Implement terms: bit gag, clover clamps, collar, cuffs, cupping set, fire batons, flogger, glory
hole, grounding probe, hemp rope, MFP rope, parachute, singletail, slapper, spreader bar,
St. Andrew's cross, stun gun, violet ray/violet wand, Wartenburg wheel, zipper/repeating
zipper
Medical terms: autoclave, bleeding down, catheter, needle hub, needle migration, needle
sheath, nitrile gloves, sterile field, Surgilube, Tegaderm, TENS unit, urethral sounds, Vet
wrap
Identity terms:
adult baby, bottom, cane slut, cuckold, dominant, fetishist, impact kid, little, masochist,
newbie, pain slut, pervert, player, pony-boy/pony-girl, relatedriess-oriented individual,
rigger, sadist, service boy, sissy maid, slave, slut, submissive, switch, top
Concept or event terms:
BDSM, collaring, contingency plan, dual relationship, eye knowledge, flagging, flying,
giveback, hand knowledge, munch, Old Guard, pervertables, play punishment,
polyamory, primary kink, risk acceptance, risk footing, risk negotiation, safe word, scenes,
soft spot, triad, tribute, vanilla, validation, v-relationship, yummy

Here are additional explanations for terms not previously introduced:

an impact kid enjoys sadomasochistic striking of the body
MFP is an acronym for multi-filament polypropylene rope
a munch is an informal dining gathering, sometimes with a workshop

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OTK is an acronym for "over the knee," a position for spanking

a parachute is a leather device that allows weights to be h u n g from male genitalia
via small chains

percussion play refers to bodily impact or striking

pervertables are items with everyday use that can also be utilized in BDSM
scenes, many of which can be found at hardware stores
when presenting, a submissive positions parts of his body to become more
accessible to the dominant
a rigger is a bondage top; generally this term is used in rope suspensions
soft spot has two meanings: the phrase may either refer to the sensitive area
beneath the buttocks, or to a strong activity preference
a triad is a polyamorous relationship among three people who are romantically
involved with each other equally
tribute is the monetary compensation professional dominants receive for their
sessions; the term is perceived as more tasteful than payment or fee, and derives
from the phrase "pay tribute to a goddess"
a v-relationship is a polyamorous relationship among three people; two people
are both equally involved with the third person, but not with each other

domestic language
When play is heard outside of a BDSM context, it brings to mind connotations of
lighthearted fun and games. I am sure this is n o accident. Research contacts

frequently

reiterated that BDSM was not about abuse, nor was it always scary or dangerous. Several
people conveyed to me that they hoped my research and writing would reach a large
audience and shed light on the safe and consensual nature of their activities.
Use of words like play is part of a speech practice I call domesticating language. The
tendency exists in other subcultures as well: gay men engaging in sex acts in public
restrooms refer to the activities as "games," and the restroom locations are nicknamed
"tearooms" (Humphreys 1975). Although I haven't heard "tearoom" used with specific
BDSM connotations, "games" has been adapted to refer to some BDSM scenes.
Sadomasochistic implements are most often referred to as toys. Further, domestic discipline is

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an entire sub-genre of scenes focused on spanking, paddling, and caning. Domestic

discipline scenes frequently involve role play, using tropes such as teacher/student,
babysitter/naughty child, boss/secretary, and so on.
While I was in Atlanta, Bart loaned me a suitcase full of spanking magazines and
videos. I watched several of the videos and took extensive notes on their content. Most of
the spanking videos included domestic role play scenarios, specifically situations where the
person being spanked was caught misbehaving in some fashion or another. What
interested me most was the consistency: although the videos featured different
actors/players, the types of settings and specific postures for spanking were remarkably
similar. In addition, the dominants all spoke in a similar fashion, even using many of the
same sentences. Obviously these phrases are erotic triggers

for a large portion of their

intended viewing audience (or they aren't very creative).

I am including a section of my field notes for the purpose of illustrating verbal
patterns of domestic language. The video I describe was one of several promoted as "real
sessions" with different professional dominants, and I think it is fairly representative of the
videos as a group.
"The video starts with a shot of the Mistress against a stone fireplace
in a luxurious setting. She introduces herself as a professional Mistress
'who deals almost exclusively with domestic discipline.' From there, the
video is a recording of an hour-long discipline session with a man who is
being punished for being a naughty schoolboy. The room has the requisite
chalkboard, desk, chart of the alphabet o n the walls, and everything. Below

the chalkboard are a cane and a paddle, hanging on hooks. She is in a

white blouse and dark skirt, and there is a man standing in the corner, in
the style of the naughty schoolboy. She addresses him by his first name,
talking to him about what he has done wrong.

37

David and Diane refer to these triggers as erotic shorthand, which I describe in Chapter Nineteen.

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Apparently his infraction is this: he has stolen his sister's panties

and worn them to school. She tells him over and over that he has been a
very bad boy, a very naughty boy, and she uses extensive verbal role play
during the entire video. . . The session/video proceeds with her saying that
she is going to call his mother and he asks her not to, to which she responds
that he will get a spanking for being so insolent. The 'student' is placed
over her knee, fully dressed but with his pants pulled down just enough to
expose his rear end, and rhythmically spanked for quite some time. She
pauses briefly to talk to him, continuing to refer to him as a 'bad, naughty
boy' who 'needs to be punished' for misbehaving. There is also an
emphasis placed on 'how his sister would feel if she knew' and so forth.
Apparently there is another side line story about one of his friends
who put him up to misbehaving, so she threatens to open the blinds in the
window so 'all your friends who are playing outside at recess can see how
you are being punished.' She puts him back in the corner, then realizes
from his mouthiness that he isn't understanding or getting the point yet.
She tells him he 'needs to learn a lesson' and paddles him this time instead.
After some more verbal play about calling his mother, and her repeatedly
asking him (as one would a child) 'do you understand what I am saying to
you?', she points out the cane on the wall. Actually, she has him point it
out, by asking him what he sees 'over there.' She gives him ten hard strokes
with the cane for being so naughty, then another ten, and sends him on the
way. At some point about VA through the video, she steps out of the picture
'to call your mother' and comes back telling him that his mother and his
sister are 'both very upset with your behavior.'"
(Field Notes, January 23, 2004)
Most of the videos emphasized corporal punishment, often conducted in response to
surprisingly similar infractions involving gender-crossing and fetish objects (i.e. panties).
The themes of humiliation and exposure also emerged in many of the videos.
Bart provided me with another excellent example of domestic discipline
terminology. He sent me an email, passing along the content of a post from an online
spanking group. I traced the material to a BDSM educational website called The Iron
Gate, where the author of the original posting goes by the name Master Paddledom.
Entitled "Reasons for Spanking," the essay outlines several different types of spankings:
play, erotic, behavior correction, punishment, guilt therapy, relaxation, bottom warming,

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and comfort. He defines each of these types of spankings as being inherently different in
their intent, mode of delivery, and result.
All of the descriptions are ripe with the sort of lexical tendencies I have described.
For instance, the behavior correction spanking is explained in the following way:
"Exactly like the spankings that were given when you were a child.
Behavior has been unacceptable and the spanking is given as a reminder
that this behavior will not be tolerated. The sub may not even have realized
that the behavior was not acceptable and may feel no guilt whatsoever.
(Before that is. lol) The spanking is a means of correction and control and
behavior modification. It communicates the Master's disapproval."
(Master Paddledom, no date given)
Alternately, punishment spanking is intended so the submissive can feel he has received
appropriate "justice" therefore forgiveness is possible. The author also explains that this
type of spanking "is used to sweep the cobwebs from the relationship." The image of
sweeping is fitting with the domestic model of BDSM, and also gives voice to the
importance players place on communication, even via non-traditional means.

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IV. Communication
17. Verbal Scenes and Humiliation
"I always tell them that if I ask a question they don't feel comfortable
answering they don't have to. Further, if something is said that they aren't
comfortable having on tape I offer to erase it. She said, 'Of course. But
you say that as if I don't have a choice.' I stopped, speechless. She
continued, 'I bet I'm the first person who has said that,' and I agreed. She
made a comment to the effect of, how little control people realize they have
over their lives. . . "
(Field Notes, March 10, 2004)
scene negotiation
Language plays several key roles in BDSM interactions. As mentioned in Chapter
Five, verbal negotiation is often the first step in a BDSM scene. Depending on the
activities about to take place, and the nature of the participants relationship, these
negotiations may be very simple or quite extensive. Partners in long-term relationships that
include consensual dominance and submission may agree that the submissive has few or
no limits. In such a situation, scenes are dictated by the preferences of the dominant
partner. On the other hand, players who are new to each other often engage in more
elaborate consultations prior to their play, to establish a shared notion of both partners'
boundaries and preferences. Relevant medical issues are almost always discussed when
they pertain to the type of play being considered. For instance, bondage scenes require
communication about circulation problems, a latex allergy would be noteworthy in a
medical scene, and consumption of prescription blood-thinning medication would be a
significant factor in determining impact play limits.
Although medical negotiations are often bound by concrete language and ideas,
other aspects of scene negotiation require players to share a common vocabulary, some of

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which was defined in Chapter Sixteen. Even more complex are negotiations of abstract
concepts such as emotional vulnerability, or awareness of the highly subjective nature of
pain perception or intensity. I often heard mention of risk acceptance, and players
explained the importance of sharing an idea about the desired intensity of a scene.
Physical pain, personal risk, and emotional intensity are innately individual and relative.
During Dreamplay, I attended a workshop on compatibility in dominant and
submissive relationships run by a woman who asked to be called Peggy aka O. The
emphasis was on communicating one's wishes within the framework of such a partnership,
and the presenter made certain that workshop participants understood the distinction
between the things that they need, things they would like to have or want, and compromises
they are willing to make or efforts they are willing to offer their partners in something she
called giveback (Field Notes, April 9, 2004). Although the importance of this type of
communication skill is discussed in detail in Chapter Nineteen, it is worth noting the
attention paid to the language of negotiating desires.
One initial goal I had for this dissertation was to conduct discourse analysis on
transcripts of BDSM scene negotiation, but this was impossible because of the limits placed
on my ability to record audio content. However, I was given permission to observe,
participate to the extent I was capable, and take detailed notes on my experiences.
Although my primary role was that of an observer, on a few occasions I was able to be more
involved and play the role of a participant-observer. I learned a bit about basic play
techniques during my preliminary research, and this knowledge certainly expanded during
my two years of field work. During the play party held at Dreamplay, I was asked to

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participate in two BDSM scenes, allowing me to document my experience of the

negotiation process firsthand. Granted, every scene is different, as is every negotiation, but
the following two passages from my field notes reflect what I witnessed during the play
party.
"After watching several scenes this haphazard way, with large crowds milling
about in between me and the people I was trying to observe, I decided to
step out for a moment and talk to Ron. I had sent him out to my car to get
a bag I had in my trunk. . . it had enough space that I could safely stow my
purse, notebook, and recorder while I played with him. He came back with
it and my car keys, and we sat down in the hallway to talk about the scene
he had asked me to do. He explained that he had gotten this really nice
violet wand kit with lots of attachments, and that he wanted to see what
they all felt like. Simple enough. I asked him if there was anything else he
was into, and he said he also liked a fair bit of pain, and that he was a
switch (which I took to mean he didn't really want any heavy D/s headspace
stuff, just sensations) so he wanted to know what this would feel like for
future use on someone else too. I asked him the obligatory health
questions and told him he would need to be sure to get my attention loudly
if there was any problem because the room was so loud I would have a hard
time hearing if he uttered a safe word at normal volume. He agreed,
explained that he was healthy, and we went looking for a suitable play spot."

(Field Notes, April 10, 2004)

During my scene with Ron, who I originally met at a NewCrop meeting, I noticed several
people watching us interact. One older couple was sitting next to us, and they watched
enthusiastically, interjecting jokes and comments throughout the scene. In a more
structured environment this would have been inappropriate, but given the extremely close
quarters and crowded nature of the Dream play party space, the atmosphere was much
more relaxed.
Another gentleman was also paying close attention to us, and he approached me
after Ron and I concluded our play:

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"Jack introduced himself to me. He was a tall, reedy, soft-spoken

man with dark hair (must have been dyed - it was too perfect not to be) and
a tan. He spoke with a slight yet charming Southern drawl, telling me that
he really enjoyed being spanked and caned by a beautiful woman such as
me. Flattery will get you everywhere with me, so of course I was thrilled.
He said that he wasn't interested in a bunch of pageantry so to speak, just
stingy sensation. I imagined it would go something like the scene with Ron,
then, where I could just relax and dole out sensations without a lot of
elaborate ceremony or role play. It was getting late, and I was brain drained
from the day, so this was a good thing. I asked him the medical questions
and we agreed on safewords...
I warmed him up with a bare hand spanking, one palm at a time,
then the two-handed technique that Master Bill demonstrated to me at
Dominion years ago. Once his cheeks were bright pink, I knew he was
ready to move to something more severe. I learned that you have to warm
up skin properly or else you can do serious damage with a cane. I stood off
to the side, gauged my distance, checked for passers-by, then started striking
him with the thinner of the two canes. I started lightly, and sensing no
major response, moved up pace quickly. He did say he wanted major sting,
after a l l . . . I checked with him, he said he was great, so I went back to work,
much to the 'ouch's of the peanut gallery. After a few more minutes with
the cane, he asked me about the strap I had used on Ron. I offered to let
him see how it felt, and struck him with it about a dozen times. He said
that he liked that. I also had a wooden paddle, and tried that, but he said
'Nah, that has a little thud under there, and I really just want sting.' Proof
positive that you can have S/M without D/s, since he was clearly setting his
limits in a reasonable way, with a high level of control over the situation."
(Field Notes, April 10, 2004)
During my brief scene with Jack, the lines of communication remained open. He
obviously felt comfortable making requests and giving me feedback, which he was able to
do without disrupting our play. I honored his requests and responded to his comments by
changing my play tactics to suit his preferences, which was entirely appropriate given our
lack of prior acquaintance and the limited scope of our activities. T h e r e are undoubtedly

many dominants who would not have been comfortable with the degree of specifics Jack
requested. I consider this scene to be a good example of play that is sadomasochistic,
involving the roles of top and bottom, but without specific elements of dominance and

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submission. Jack was seeking a scene in which he could be a masochistic bottom; for my
part of the equation, I was pleased to share in the experience.

long-distance scenes
Most of my data involve face-to-face interactions, but BDSM scenes can also happen
at a distance. Language does more than facilitate play in person; it is also the medium that
allows long distance scenes to take place. As mentioned in Chapter Twelve, internet
communication is a tool commonly used in early explorations of one's erotic interests.
Online chat rooms often serve as a set of social training wheels, allowing seemingly
intimate interactions without the risk of full-fledged engagements "in real life."
Those individuals opting for online pursuits often utilize specialized text
conventions, following rules for written expressions laid out by a dominant partner.
Written correspondence is often called email training or postal training, and the protocol may
involve the same capitalization standards outlined in Chapter Fifteen. Dominant names
are written in upper case, and submissive names in lower case; this includes pronouns.
Further, 1 spoke with some dominants who instructed their submissives to refer to
themselves without using the first-person "I" as an exercise in erasing the agency of the
submissive. One night, I found myself at a 24-hour Chinese restaurant after a long evening
at a play party. Among my dining companions were a dominant man and the slave he and
his wife kept; she used this protocol throughout the meal. I was surprised to hear her
order food using the phrasing "this one would like chicken fried rice, please." The waiter
seemed surprised as well.

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Telephone communication is another common outlet for couples in long-distance

BDSM relationships. Unlike letters sent through the mail, and email to a lesser extent,
phone conversations have the advantage of instant gratification coupled with the
potentially erotic presence of a partner s voice. The following quote comes from an essay
on power dynamics in the language of phone sex operators:
"The telephone, as a medium that excludes the visual, allows for the
creation of fantasy in a way that face-to-face interaction cannot. In the
absence of a visual link, the speaker is able to maintain a certain anonymity
that can potentially allow for a less self-conscious and, in the appropriate
circumstances, more imaginative presentation."
(Hall 1995:188)
The construction of fantasy can happen regardless of the element of anonymity. Even
between partners who know each other well, the situational suspension of disbelief still
takes place.
Distance was an issue for one couple I interviewed, but they dealt with it in
innovative ways. Diane spoke of her relationship with David, joking about how she
sometimes amused herself while they were talking: "In actuality, 9 5 % of our play has been
on the phone. Humiliation play is excellent to do over the phone. . . people calling me
and I'm there, doing my nails!" (Interview) All humor aside, she emphasized that their
relationship was solidly built on trust and friendship. She explained that because so much
of their play involved humiliation, it was necessary that they share a certain level of
closeness:

"There's some personal involvement in it, it's a little tough because we live
two and a half hours away. I mean, we're best friends, we talk on the phone
all the time about how just normal life is going. . . and for the type of play
we do, there has to be that friendship and care."
(Diane, Interview)

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The main focus of David and Diane's relationship involved one-sided humiliation, in
which Diane was the verbally dominant top, and David was the recipient of die
humiliation. Humiliation is a specialized form of power exchange that falls under a
broader umbrella of dominance and submission.

humiliation and degradation

". . . there is no society that does not provide in the very features of its
organization the conditions sufficient for inducing shame."
(Garfinkel 1956:420)
Humiliation play represents a broad category of BDSM activities, encompassing any
form of endeavor that is enacted with the purpose of making someone feel shame. One
form of humiliation is cuckolding, in which one partner is expected to remain faithful to the
other, while that partner engages in sexual activity with others. From what I have observed,
the male partner is usually the cuckold, while the female partner is sexually active with
other males. In addition to the inherent asymmetry of this situation, the female will often
deny sex to the male partner, or explicitly state that her need to go outside of the
traditional monogamous relationship is because he does not satisfy her sexually. In theory
the paradigm could work for any gender pairing, though I have not observed any instances
aside, from heterosexual couples. The term cuckold seems specific to this gender
arrangement.
Diane kept David as her cuckold. During our interview, they explained the origin
of that aspect of their relationship. When they first became romantically involved, she had

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just ended a five year relationship, so she wanted to remain free to explore sexually with
others. They continued:
Diane, speaking to David: "I had already made up my mind that I was
going to do this. And that actually opened up a little part of the
humiliation play for us, because then you were able, you felt secure enough
to let me know how humiliated you felt that I was running off with
whoever."
David: "I didn't realize 1 was into cuckolding <laughs> until about that
time."
(Interview)
Diane clarified that she was always completely open with David about her other sexual
partners, out of her respect for him and to maintain honesty in the relationship. Although
she was free to choose her other sexual partners, David did not have the same luxury. If he
did go outside of the relationship, he had to seek permission from Diane before acting.
She explained, "He is my slut. My slut has to ask permission to do certain things"
(Interview). Other dominants required their submissives to engage in a similar discourse of
requests.
A few hours after our interview, Diane and David gave a presentation on
humiliation play at the NewCrop meeting. They began with a dictionary definition of
humiliation, followed by an explanation of humiliation as a feature of masochism.
According to one of the handouts they gave the audience, only one of the three features of
masochism (pain, loss of control, humiliation or embarrassment) has to be present for
sexual arousal to be masochistic. Another handout gave suggestions for verbal humiliation
scenes, with advice for the hesitant top:
"If the role of humiliating sadist is awkward, think of it as an acting job. It
is acting, after all, but acting out a part of you that's real."

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(Wiping the Slate Clean, Handout)

I was able to take notes on their presentation, for later inclusion in my field notes:
"During the presentation, David and Diane used a lot of audience
participation, to outline key ingredients in humiliation play. The answers
David approved to put on the board, in order of their importance:
1. desire
2. trust - knowing a partner will value you after/outside the scene, this

3.
4.
5.
6.

means the top must be responsible for aftercare, and the bottom must
be responsible for knowing their own confidence
knowledge
communication
imagination
forgiveness

Note: many other answers that were given. fit under one of these basic
themes, David explained. They explained that while both sexes had
interests in the verbal element of humiliation, they differed on the types of
verbal humiliation they fantasized about, according to the research they had
read."
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)
In addition to stressing the verbal element of humiliation scenes, the items in this list
reflect an overall emphasis on intra-relationship communication and metacommunication,
a topic explored in Chapter Nineteen.

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IV. Communication
18. Face-Work and Unequal Footing
This chapter applies Goffman's ideas about interaction to models of BDSM
communication. The three essays I utilize are "On Face-Work" and "The Nature of
Deference and Demeanor" from Interaction Ritual: Essays on Face-to-Face Behavior, and
"Footing," originally published in the journal Semiotica and reprinted as a chapter in Forms
of Talk. I provide an overview of theoretical models for conversation, including areas of
potential fit to interaction between dominant and submissive partners in BDSM
relationships.
To Goffman, language is a social process of symbolic interaction. The self is not
merely individual, but social, forming multiple speaker and hearer roles. Goffman's early
writing takes a Durkheimian stance on interaction; and he refers to the version of self
presented to the social collective as "sacred." Further, everyday interaction is construed as
religious, because of the ritualistic aspects of conversation. This is a functionalist approach
to social organization, and Goffman examines the ways that social institutions and
practices maintain a coherent whole.
Face is the way we hold ourselves in social esteem, and face must be maintained
through deference and avoidance rituals. Questions arise regarding agency, since all
speakers share the duty of saving face, both their own and that of others. My concern is
this: What happens when one person's face is worthy of saving and another person's is not?
In most cases, this is the reproduction of social hierarchy, which must be constructed
collaboratively. Speakers of a given language must agree to create social inequality and thus
hegemonic structures are put into place. One example of this inequality is use of second

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person pronouns in some languages; the options available to speakers for addressing
another person always reflect social hierarchy. Occasionally, individuals consent to being
in socially asymmetrical relationships, and these partnerships involve the ritualized facework Goffman addresses. In BDSM relationships that emphasize dominance and
submission, asymmetry may be seen in face-work, deference rituals, and conversational
footing.

conducting face-work
In the essay "On Face-Work: An Analysis of Ritual Elements in Social Interaction,"
Goffman elaborates a model of self as socially constructed through interaction. Face-work
is defined as follows:
"By face-work I mean to designate the actions taken by a person to make
whatever he is doing consistent with face. Face-work serves to counteract
'incidents'that is, events whose effective symbolic implications threaten
face. Thus poise is one important type of face-work, for through poise the
person controls his embarrassment and hence the embarrassment that he
and other might have over his embarrassment."
(Goffman 1982:12-13)
A person has face or maintains face when the version of self that is presented to others is
consistent and positive. Goffman explains that a person's face is not internal or located in
the body:
" . . . but rather something that is diffusely located in the flow of events in
the encounter and becomes manifest only when these events are read and
interpreted for the appraisals expressed in them."
(1982:7)
Face and perceptions of the self are largely social rather than individual, developing
through interactional processes.

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Members of a group are expected to perform a certain amount of face-work on

behalf of others:
"Just as the member of any group is expected to have self-respect, so also he
is expected to sustain a standard of considerateness; he is expected to go to
certain lengths to save the feelings and the face of others present, and he is
expected to do this willingly and spontaneously because of emotional
identification with the others and with their feelings."
(Goffman 1982:10)
In relationships involving dominance and submission, the amount of face-saving one
performs for others depends on one's status. A dominant is expected to do much less facework for others than a submissive, unless it is to maintain the face of another dominant.
Further, a submissive must work to maintain the face of his dominant partner. The result
of face-work is that people conduct themselves to maintain their own face and other
participants' in a conversation. When individuals cease face-work, the patterns for
interaction change. This takes place in certain BDSM scenes, particularly during scenes
involving disciplinary punishment or verbal humiliation.
According to Goffman, "The members of every social circle may be expected to
have some knowledge of face-work and some experience in its use" (1982:13). The
necessary experience, for a submissive, comes in the form of submissive training and voice
training (Miller and Devon 1995:237, Abernathy 1996). Such knowledge is critical to the
construction of semi-public scenes. Goffman outlines three ways individuals may threaten
another person's face: innocent, non-intentional actions; malicious actions; and incidental

offenses. Often face-threatening maneuvers are intentionally executed by dominants.

These maneuvers may be of the malicious kind or may feign innocence. Face threatening

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maneuvers that would be classified as malicious in most settings are usually conducted for
the amusement of the dominant, without intent to cause real harm.
The two basic kinds of face-work are avoidance and corrective face-work. Goffman
explains that the avoidance process takes place when individuals avoid contacts during
which a threat to someone's face is likely to occur. Such avoidance takes place in BDSM
communication. Some submissives are instructed not to speak unless they are addressed
directly by a dominant or they have asked permission. In addition, submissives are taught
proper forms of address for their dominant partners, which may include a title and/or a
correct form of phrasing, such as "Master, may I please worship your boots now, Master?"
or "Whatever Mistress wishes" (Abernathy 1995:14-22).
A second form of face-work is the corrective process. Correction happens when
participants acknowledge that a threat to face has taken place and begin correcting it.
Goffman refers to the reestablishment of social/ritual equilibrium as an interchange, and he
also explains:
"I use the term ritual because I am dealing with acts through whose
symbolic component the actor shows how worthy he is of respect or how
worthy he feels others are of it. . . One's face, then, is a sacred thing, and
the expressive order required to sustain it is a ritual one."
(1982:19)
When a submissive transgresses the rules of his dominant, the corrective process begins,
following the phases of the process that Goffman lists: challenge, offering, acceptance and
thanks.
Face-work is not always accomplished smoothly. For example:
"When a person treats face-work not as something he need be prepared to
perform, but rather as something that others can be counted on to perform

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or to accept, then an encounter or an undertaking becomes less a scene of

mutual considerateness than an arena in which a contest or match is held."
(Goffman 1982:24)
In such aggressive interchanges an individual accomplishes two things: he saves his own
face at the expense of another individual, and also demonstrates his proficiency in
conversational power exchange. When such breaks in collective face occur, the correction
process begins, unless one's face is not viewed by the collective as worthy of attention.
Face-saving maneuvers may be accomplished by observers. Thus, face-saving does not have
to necessarily be done by either the person whose face was threatened or by the person who
threatened it.

language socialization
One aspect of socialization into the BDSM community is a willingness to abide by
the appropriate rules.
"A person's performance of face-work, extended by his tacit agreement to
help others perform theirs, represents his willingness to abide by the ground
rules of social interaction. Here is the hallmark of his socialization as an
interactant."
(Goffman 1982:31)
Goffman explains that when a physical, spoken interaction can take place, interactants
abide by a set of rules and conventions for conversational practice. These rules vary among
speech communities, even within a limited geographic area. Because of this variance, the
rules for spoken discourse and nonverbal communication can differ among BDSM
communities. Generally, dominant individuals are less bound by these rules than

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submissives are; they may modify them, abide by them, or toss them out altogether in
favor of something else.
Rules for communication construct talk as a bound unit of interaction, rather than
as an ongoing process. As a result, a speaker learns to handle interactions "as something
that must be pursued with ritual care" (Goffman 1982:36). Great care is taken in the voice
training of submissives:
"At its simplest, voice-training involves teaching a slave when it is
appropriate to maintain silence (which is most of the time) and when and
how to speak."
(Abernathy 1996:22)
More advanced forms of voice training include teaching a submissive to respond to a
dominant in a way that verbally erases the will or independence of the submissive, or that
places the submissive under restrictions regarding the use of first-person language. In
addition to my experience at the Chinese restaurant described Chapter Seventeen, I knew
one submissive woman who addressed all spoken communication and written
correspondence to her dominant using "this submissive" as a replacement for "I".
A speaker bases his conduct in an interaction on the self-image that he wishes to
portray:
"In general, then, a person determines how he ought to conduct himself
during an occasion of talk by testing the potentially symbolic meaning of his
acts against the self-images that are being sustained."
(Goffman 1982:28-39)
In other words, we all monitor ourselves and our roles in interaction. Members of
dominant and submissive relationships do the same thing, although perhaps to a more

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extreme degree. Self-awareness is a major factor. For BDSM players who enact multiple
identities and persona, the nature of face-work obligations varies.

deference and demeanor

In "The Nature of Deference and Demeanor," Goffman continues to explore
Durkheimian ideas about the sacred elements of social life through analysis of rules
regarding deference and demeanor in conversational interactions.
"Rules of conduct impinge upon the individual in two general ways:
directly, as obligations, establishing how he is morally constrained to conduct
himself; indirectly, as expectations, establishing how others are morally
bound to act in regard to him."
(Goffman 1982:49)
Obligations and expectations are different in dominant/submissive relationships.
Goffman explains, "When an individual becomes involved in the maintenance of a rule,
he tends also to become committed to a particular image of self" (1982:50). Self images
such as BDSM persona must be maintained through conversational practice.
Goffman distinguishes between two classes of conduct, symmetrical and
asymmetrical. Interactions between a dominant and a submissive are inherently
asymmetrical, unless a dominant asks the submissive to speak out of role. Goffman makes
another distinction between substance and ceremony; a ceremonial rule would pertain to
the way a dominant should be addressed or serviced when approached by a submissive.
According to Old Guard rules:
"When walking together, bottoms walk half-a-step behind and to the left of
Tops with whom they are involved or playing. It is up to the Top or the
experienced bottom to extend a hand or invite a handshake."
(Baldwin 1999:77)

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Additional behavioral examples include kneeling or remaining at an appropriate distance

from a dominant.
Deference is one form of avoidance ritual, which is defined in the following terms:
"By deference I shall refer to that component of activity which functions as

a symbolic means by which appreciation is regularly conveyed to a recipient

of this recipient, or of something of which this recipient is taken as a
symbol, extension, or agent."
(Goffman 1982:56)
Dominant and submissive individuals differ in the amount of deference they would be
expected to show for one another. According to Goffman, although an individual may
desire deference, he is not usually allowed to give it to himself. Deference must be earned
from other individuals as a result of an interaction. Because individuals have this need,
they are forced to engage others in conversation, which assures that members of a society
will interact with one another. Goffman jokes:
"If the individual could give himself the deference he desired there might
be a tendency for society to disintegrate into islands inhabited by solitary
cultish men, each in continuous worship at his own shrine."
(1982:58)
Unlike most vanilla social situations, dominant individuals in BDSM communities may
request deference from submissives, and they are largely exempt from the social rule for
offering deference to other speakers. This also points to the need of a dominant to have a
submissive to conduct face-saving maneuvers.
Acts of deference usually contain an implicit agreement that the speaker will
behave in a certain manner during an upcoming activity (Goffman 1982:60). These
implicit conversational contracts often occur during scene negotiation, as discussed in

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Chapters Five and Seventeen. A submissive is to approach the dominant in a particular

way, presenting himself for approval (Abernathy 1996:18). In contrast, the dominant is the
one who is approached, who is the recipient of face-saving maneuvers, but who later is the

giver of sensations to the submissive. Both partners follow rules for deference and
demeanor, pledging to treat each other in a certain way. The promise is met through
verbal and nonverbal means.
Goffman discusses two groups of deference forms, avoidance rituals and
presentation rituals. Avoidance rituals have to do with personal space, and are not to be
confused witii avoidance in face-work. Goffman explains:
"Where an actor need show no concern about penetrating the recipient's
usual personal reserve, and need have no fear of contaminating him by any
penetration into his privacy, we say that the actor is on terms of familiarity
with the recipient."
(1982:63)
The result of familiarity is that the actor need not maintain avoidance rituals in the
presence of the other person. In some BDSM relationships, dominant and submissive
partners are inherently on unequal footing, operating on asymmetrical levels of familiarity.
The dominant may generally assume such familiarity with her submissive, but the reverse is
seldom true (Miller and Devon 1995). Thus the submissive must perform both avoidance
rituals and presentational deference rituals for a dominant partner. Goffman outlines four
types of presentational deference, including salutations, invitations, compliments, and
minor services. These reflect the actor's appreciation of the recipient.
Goffman gives demeanor the following definition:
"By demeanor I shall refer to that element of the individual's ceremonial
behavior typically conveyed through deportment, dress, and bearing, which

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serves to express to those in his immediate presence that he is a person of

certain desirable or undesirable qualities."
(1982:77)
As I discuss in Chapters Twenty and Twenty-One, dominants and submissives often dress
differently and carry themselves in different manners. Goffman continues:
"The well-demeaned individual possesses the attributes popularly associated
with 'character training' or 'socialization,' these being implanted when a
neophyte of any kind is housebroken."
(1982:77)
A well-trained submissive knows postures and carriage, rules for speaking in public, ways to
attend to a dominant, and general rules of respect for dominant individuals outside of the
relationship (Abernathy 1996). Goffman acknowledges that the rules for demeanor may be
symmetrical or asymmetrical, just as the rules for deference, adding:
"The extreme here perhaps is the master-servant relation as seen in cases
where valets and maids are required to perform in a dignified manner
services of an undignified kind."
(1982:78-79)
Rules for dignified demeanor certainly apply to a submissive individual performing
domestic services for a dominant partner.

unequal footing
In "Footing," Goffman argues that the speaker-listener dyad, which we typically use
to construct and perceive conversational interaction, is insufficient. There are more
complex things taking place in conversation: more than two people are typically present,
and there are additional levels of interaction. The speaker can function as one or more of
a list of things, including principal, author, animator, or a figure in a story. The hearer

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may be an addressed recipient or an unaddressed recipient or bystander. Further, aspects

of a conversation may be embedded in discourse that operates on several levels at once.
Footing refers to the multiple speaker alignments and power dynamics and at work in
conversation.
A shift in conversational footing is similar to a code switch, only it takes place
within the same language or dialect.
"A change in footing implies a change in the alignment we take up to
ourselves and the others present as expressed in the way we manage the
production or reception of an utterance. A change in our footing is
another way of talking about a change in our frame for events."
(Goffman 1981:128)
Changes in footing frequently occur in natural talk. The following example from my field
notes took place at an age play workshop during Dreamplay:
"When I walked in, they were talking about the 'dual relationship' the
parent figure has with both the adult side of his/her partner and the child
side. They explained that there was a time and a place for each persona,
and that the bottom (assumed to be the 'little' partner, although later 1
learned that this was not always the case) relied on the top to set the pace
for the interaction. In my terms, I took this to mean that the top defined
the interactional footing for both partners. This implies they share an
understanding for when and where it is appropriate to act which way."
(Field Notes, April 10, 2004)
Footing shifts in role play scenes enable participants to establish persona while maintaining
safe ethics and minimizing risk.
Linguistic performances of BDSM participants rely on elaborate and dynamic rules
for footing. This situation sets the stage for failed performances as well, including
disjunctures in timing and the selection of persona. Consider the magic chocolate example
(described in Chapter Eight) from the same age play workshop. The risks of emotional

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trauma due to failed footing shifts or poorly-timed code switches are quite significant.
These risks also raise questions of agency and accountability. How do age players take
responsibility for dealing with adult problems if they can shift into child mode in the face
of stress? Apparently this isn't a common problem, as panelists emphasized the importance
of knowing when to be in what role, headspace, and style of footing.
Goffman criticizes the scholarly language available for thinking about discourse as
being too general and for assuming the relevance of folk categories (speaker, hearer).
Instead of relying on these categories for linguistic analysis, he argues we should split these
divisions into smaller units for discussion. Once theorists move beyond these limits and
engage the idea of multiple bystanders or recipients of speech, then further conversational
possibilities become available. Among these possibilities is subordinate communication,
defined as:
". . . talk that is manned, timed, and pitched to constitute a perceivedly
limited interference to what might be called the 'dominating
communication' in its vicinity. Indeed there are a number of work settings
where informal talk is subordinated to the task at hand, the
accommodation being not to another conversation but to the exigencies of
work in progress."
(Goffman 1979:133)
Certain BDSM discourse fits the model of subordinate conversation. In BDSM
scenes, subordinate conversation could be referred to as discursive sideplay. Submissive
speech would not necessarily be viewed as a subordinate communication ot interruption,
unless it took place on different footing from the predominate conversation, most likely
being controlled by dominant individuals. Often the submissive may receive permission to
speak as an equal with his or her dominant. When not given this permission, a submissive

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may be expected to remain silent. Any breach of this silence would in fact be a
subordinate discourse, but it would also be recognized as a more serious offense by the
dominant (Abernathy 1996). It is possible for submissives who are receiving voice training
to speak out against the will of their dominants, while not being closely monitored. This
would only be effective if they were speaking to other submissives, thus accomplishing a
concealing collusion.
Goffman acknowledges the multi-voiced nature of most human interaction. As
speakers, we are capable of operating on numerous levels and changing our conversational
footing quite frequently. When we do this, lamination occurs:
"For often it seems that when we change voicewhether to speak for
another aspect of ourselves or for someone else, or to lighten our discourse
with a darted enactment of some alien interaction arrangementwe are not
so much terminating the prior alignment as holding it in abeyance with the
understanding that it will almost immediately be reengaged."
(Goffman 1979:155)
Lamination is frequent in BDSM scenes, particularly when players utilize persona in
speech, as explained in Chapter Thirteen. Alternately, a dominant may break role or shift
footing to check on a submissive's safety. Changes in footing also occur at the beginning
of a scene during the negotiation phase. As discussed in Chapter Eight, a dominant has
the submissive's health and safety as a top priority, and both parties must be able to speak
as equals when it is necessary and appropriate.
Frameworks for conversational participation are frequently ritualized:
"That is, we self-consciously transplant the participation arrangement that is
natural in one social situation into an interactional environment in which it
isn't. In linguistic terms, we not only embed utterances, we embed
interaction arrangements."
(Goffman 1979:153)

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Thus, speakers in dominant and submissive relationships must modify the predominant
social frameworks for conversational interaction, bending the rules to create new ones. In
BDSM interaction, the social self is experienced by testing linguistic boundaries and rules
for deference, demeanor, and footing.

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IV. Communication
19. Metacommunicative Competence
"We must be responsible for and understand the situations we co-create."
(Catherine, Interview)
Practitioners of BDSM often demonstrate advanced awareness of language use. In
this chapter, I explain how metacommunicative competence operates within contexts relevant
to BDSM. Metacommunicative competence involves scene negotiation and discussions of
risk, verbal play activities, and relationship compatibility awareness. The teaching of
metacommunication skills takes place at the local level, where a multi-faceted emphasis on
education frequently pervades BDSM community functions.

the nature of metacommunication

Reflexivity is one defining characteristic of human language. Along with other
rules involving grammar and morphology, the principle of reflexivity is universal, applying
to every language spoken in the world.
"Closely linked to the speech act grammatical categories of language is the
final design feature of language, reflexivity. This refers to the fact that we
can use language to talk about language itself, such as when we comment on
its form."
(Foley 1997:39)
In other words, we can use language to casually reflect on conversations with friends, or to
critically analyze our verbal interactions in a detailed manner. It is from this reflexivity that
the notion of metacommunication arises. Metacommunication is simply defined as
communication about communication.

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Speakers of a language develop a certain degree of skill in the use of that language.
However, linguistic competence involves more than knowing grammatical structures and
vocabulary; a large variety of social and situational knowledge is also required of the
interactant. Broadly speaking, die social knowledge of language is referred to as
communicative competence (reprinted as Hymes 2001). According to another source:
"The capacity of persons to select and recognise the language variety
appropriate to the occasion is known as their communicative competence. . .
We discuss communicative competence not only as a part of our
commentary on notions of correctness, but as a means of elucidating what a
speaker's language ability might consist of."
(Milroy and Milroy 1999:100)
When speakers enter new communities of practice, they become integrated into those
social networks, and fine-tune their communicative abilities. Different social environments
require varying levels of communicative competence. A failure to perform at an
appropriate level of interactional proficiency may be excused if the individual is new to a
community, and thus viewed as a novice or inexperienced speaker.
I define metacommunicative competence as a speaker's ability to analyze conversation,
or to talk about talk. Metacommunication is reflexive, operating above and beyond.
interactional proficiency, involving an individual's ability to construct effective discourse
about verbal interaction. Traditionally, much of what is done in linguistic anthropology
involves conducting metacommunicative analyses of other people's speech. However, most
of the data I outline here refer to individuals' abilities to assess their own communicative

competence, to evaluate their own choices of words, and to utilize detailed

metacommunication practices in the processes of relationship building and negotiations of
intimate activities.

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the language of negotiation

O n the surface, BDSM relationships differ from other relationships because many
of them contain an element of sadomasochistic play, which can carry potential physical
risks to the participants. In one workshop I attended at Dreamplay, the presenter
explained that the term safety was misleading because all sadomasochistic activity
inherently involves a level of risk. As discussed in Chapter Eight, practitioners must be
able to understand and agree to those risks. Rather than using language of safety, research
participants spoke instead about the idea of risk acceptance.
The ability to effectively navigate discussions of risk acceptance requires that
speakers use a common language of negotiation, and have a high level of
metacommunicative competence in their discussion about risk terminology. Players must
know how to negotiate scenes, and they must adequately engage in metacommunication,
which can be accomplished by talking about the verbal techniques they plan to use to
conduct their negotiations. For example, the following hypothetical sentence could be part
of a simple, non-metacommunicative scene negotiation: "I'm diabetic, so please make sure
we have some orange juice handy after our scene." Alternately, consider an effective
metacommunicative statement: "Before we finish our negotiation, remind me to tell you
about my medical condition. We need to talk about the way to handle potential issues that
may arise." Metacommunication must take place to ensure that players have compatible
notions of risk and shared or similar levels of risk acceptance, to ensure that partners are
on the same level of risk footing.

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During our interview, Anna talked about her many experiences with BDSM stage
performances. She also explained how she handled scene negotiations with play partners
in her personal life:
"Generally with the private partners, things get discussed, you know, you're
sitting around the house, they obviously have seen you and know what you
do [in scenes]. So, you talk a bit beforehand, over dinner, in the car,
whatever. Well, you know, or even sometimes afterwards. Maybe after the
session, <laminatiori> 'Maybe I, well I've always been curious about this.
And since we've done this and there's this trust here, well maybe we should
try something else.' Otherwise, you just get used to people. It's pretty open
about how you talk about things. And you know, it's just pretty concise,
people just mention what they like and what they want, and <cocks head to
the side and frowns> I don't think I've ever, no, I've never overstepped my
bounds with anybody."
(Anna, Interview)
In response, I mentioned Brad's idea about high levels of metacommunicative competence
in BDSM practitioners. I asked for her thoughts, and she replied:
"I have to say that it's true, except for the one incident with the one
boyfriend where he just couldn't read [her body language]. He's not a good
top. . . Yeah, he's much better as a submissive. He might think that he's a
top. How you know, in a relationship where you think you have a fairly
good unspoken communication. Sadly in that one instance that didn't
happen. But for the most part, you know, hey, tell me what you like and
don't like. Okay, I'll make a note of it and I'll tell you what I don't like
either. I'm pretty obvious about what I don't like. I don't do this, I don't
do that."
(Anna, Interview)
According to Anna, her partner, who was poor at understanding body language and
spoken metacommunication, was the exception to the rule.
Risk negotiation involves more than discussions of physical safety. Emotional pain
and trauma can often have more severe implications than physical damage. As a result,
many individuals incorporated metacommunicative discussions about emotion into our

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interviews and conversations. Research participants were aware of their own interactional
styles and proficiencies, and frequently discussed how they spoke with partners about the
language of emotions. In a discussion about role playing, Catherine stressed the
importance of validating her partners' feelings through language and tone. As a dominant
in scenes involving age play, her message is, "I respect you and this is real" (Field Notes,
April 10, 2004). Not only was Catherine aware of her own speech style, but she was also
able to articulate the potential effects her approach to communication could have on her
partners.

metacommunicative competence in scenes

Practitioners of BDSM rely on metacommunication in the negotiation of
individual scenes. Negotiation also takes place in the establishment of protocols for longterm relationships, and it continues throughout the duration of many relationships. In
addition to being useful in various forms of negotiations, BDSM participants often put
their metacommunicative skills to use during scenes. As explained in Chapter Seventeen,
language serves as a medium for long-distance exchanges via telephone, internet, or mail.
Ultimately, talk itself can be a source of erotic pleasure. Higher levels of
metacommunicative proficiency may translate to more effective verbal scenes.
In addition to having an emphasis on metacommunication in their relationship,
David and Diane discussed the need for metacommunicative competence during a
presentation they gave to a NewCrop. Their workshop on humiliation stressed the
importance of articulating what was play and what was serious, to prevent harming the

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emotions of one's partner. Good communication was high on the list of elements David
and Diane's audience deemed necessary for conducting humiliation play. Trust was also
high on the list, and audience members suggested three ways that language could be used
to build trust. First, recipients/bottoms in a humiliation scene must know that their
partners will value them after the scene and outside of the scene's context. Second, the top
should give appropriate aftercare to his or her partner. Third, "the bottom must be
responsible for knowing their own confidence" (Field Notes, March 6, 2004). Bottoms
must be aware of any vulnerabilities or triggers they may have, and be honest about those
vulnerabilities during negotiations.
During their presentation, Diane and David spoke at length about the ways one
can derive erotic pleasure from talk. The presentation's target audience seemed to be tops
who were curious about humiliation. Much of the presentation was constructed in a way
that explained the humiliation headspace, giving scene ideas and reassurance to nervous
novices. David posited that "bottoms fantasize about humiliation more than tops do"
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004), which suggests that bottoms may receive more gratification
from that particular type of scene. If so, tops present in the audience must have had more
than a passing interest in the activity, or they would not have attended the meeting. People
were always welcome to enter the play space after the lectures were over, once the play
parties were underway.
Diane and David also introduced a new term: erotic shorthand is a type of language
used in verbal play. Erotic shorthand allows established partners to obtain the maximum
degree of erotic reaction from each other, while putting forth a minimum amount of verbal

# * .

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effort (Field Notes, March 6, 2004). One could think of erotic shorthand as a series of
hotkeys for a partner's body. Over time, partners learn which sorts of terms or phrases
map to appealing experiences or ideas.

relationship compatibility awareness

Individuals who are committed to dominance and submission often show an
increased awareness of their own linguistic practices and those of their partners.
Metacommunicative competence can enhance relationship dynamics. Consider the
following:
"We have so much emphasis on communication in our relationships, and
with each other, and training and there's this culture of it. . . You don't do
this with vanilla relationships! We do it with workshops, we do it with
training, we do it with weekly or monthly meetings and munches and
talking about people. So what happens is, you develop this competence in
order to assess your own levels of competence in areas, so we are more
aware and have higher metacognitive skills."
(Brad, Interview)
Brad's argument was that people involved in BDSM relationships have a better sense of
self-awareness and corresponding conversational awareness, as well as a willingness to
discuss relationship issues with partners. He argued they had healthier relationships than
most couples, as a result.
All partnerships that evolve into long-term relationships inherently require a
certain amount of compromise, change, and effort. When elements of BDSM are added,
the need for compromise expands. Besides negotiating household arrangements, finances,
family, jobs, and other vanilla concerns, the power dynamics of BDSM often necessitate
further concessions. Partners must decide which areas of their lives will be involved in

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dominance and submission; submissives may initially set parameters that keep certain
aspects of their vanilla lives out of their BDSM commitments. For instance, couples with
young children usually agree to keep their play areas private and their public lives clear of
kink-related entanglements. Couples may decide to keep finances separate, or opt to place
them under the control of a dominant partner. In other cases, if the submissive has better
money management skills, bill-paying tasks may fall under the rubric of domestic servitude.
Once engaged in a long-term relationship, that submissive individual may waive his or her
rights to future household decisions. Every relationship situation is tailored to the
individuals involved, and every partner has different needs.
When I interviewed Catherine, she spoke about the benefits of communication in
establishing healthy relationships with the slaves she owned. Her willingness to talk openly
about her own imperfections played a large role in the learning process:
"Anyone I own, they know I'm human and I guarantee I will make a
mistake. I also tell them, I will hurt them. And I'm not just talking S/M
hurt.
I will occasionally harm them emotionally, because I will
misunderstand what they say to me, or I will make wrong decisions.
Do you know what I do? The moment I do that, I have just made it
allowable for my property to make a mistake and be human. I no longer
have a person quivering before me who fears dismissal upon mistake. I no
longer have someone who can't learn from their mistakes because they're
too busy thinking of the consequence. And, I have someone who is not
losing their focus with me, because they're not busy beating themselves up
thinking about that.
They're too busy going, <laminatiori> 'Oh. I just learned something.
Ma'am thinks mistakes are valuable. That's the next lesson I need to learn.
So all I have to do is take care of this. I can't wait to tell Ma'am my greatest
thing! I wish I hadn't done it that way to begin with, but now I know.'
And, they get to build self esteem and be proud of themselves in the
moment. Or you see the poor individuals who are so freaked out because,
<gasps> the mistake happened. Well guess what? It's going to, hello. I deal
with the whole person, where we started with this conversation. Be a whole
person, and that means everything, the good, the bad, the not so good."

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(Catherine, Interview)
Catherine also taught the importance of good metacommunicative skills to participants in
her workshops and submissive training programs.
During the relationship compatibility workshop at Dreamplay, the presenter
emphasized the significance of discussing needs and wants between partners. Workshop
attendees covered topics including relationship dynamics, BDSM scenes, vanilla social
situations, and financial arrangements. The workshop participants were given a handout,
which contained a table to be filled in with notes about personal compatibility. The grid
included columns listing these category headings: Dom, Sub, Top, Bottom, Master, and
Slave. Each column included blank spaces corresponding to a half dozen topics:
relationship, play, social, financial, hobbies, and poly.38 Within each box the participants
were encouraged to write their needs and wants, along with the things they were willing to
give in those areas. The giveback is defined as something one partner is willing to give back
to the other in exchange for having their needs met. This term reflects a mutuallyconstructed power dynamic that allows for the agency of submissive individuals in
establishing specifics of a relationship.
A distinction emerged between wants and needs in the workshop, such as "I need a
dominant with compatible religious views, but I want a dominant with similar ones" (Field
Notes, April 9, 2004). In the table below, I have given a few examples of participants'
responses to the question in the first column of the compatibility grid, which relates to
dominant partners. The topic of hobbies, although included on the handout, did not
receive much discussion during the workshop.
38

In this example, poly was short for "polyamory," or romantic relationships among more than two people.

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Table 19.1: D/s Compatibility Responses

Relationship
Play

Social

Financial

What I Need in a
Dominant
honesty, loyalty
core kink, compatible
levels of risk
acceptance
companionship,
similar levels of "outness
stable income, control

What I Want in a
Dominant
attractive, forceful
scenes they enjoy

What I Give to a
Dominant
will travel, will train
"I can take bondage if
you give me pain"

similar spiritual
interests

willing to try new

hobbies

shared resources

financial planning,

willingness to be frugal

of children's expenses
Poly

do not make
assumptions about
monogamy

external play partners

communication about
equivalent views of
intimacy

Nuances in levels of compatibility were discussed in detail, indicating a shared

understanding of lexical differences. Limits regarding non-BDSM factors were also at
stake, as one woman explained, "my Master can control my life, but I control the choices
involving my children" (Field Notes, April 9, 2004). Finally, some participants expressed a
preference for partners with certain speech styles; for instance, one woman said she needed
a dominant who spoke forcefully.

education in the community

Heightened levels of metacommunicative competence can be attributed to the
importance of education in BDSM social networks. During my research, it became evident
that the focus on communication was emphasized throughout the community in several
ways. In addition to the workshop that dealt exclusively with compatibility in D/s
relationships and the presentation on humiliation play, the theme of effective negotiation
ran through almost all of the organized BDSM events I attended. Emphasis was placed on

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discussing needs, feelings, and thoughts about the complex relationship issues that arise
from certain types of BDSM play. I elaborate on the role of education and community
standards in Chapter Twenty-Two.
Metacommunicative skills are the support structures of complex BDSM
relationships. By honing the ability to talk about conversational interaction with their
partners, participants in BDSM seek to maximize compatibility and minimize emotional
harm. Skills in conversational maintenance and reflexivity are bolstered by membership in
a community that emphasizes metacommunicative competence.

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IV. Communication
20. Nonverbal Communication and the Body
"When body communicates directly with body, spoken language is no
longer essential. Thus far in history, the action of sex is the only universal
language - perhaps because the tongue is but one among many members to
convey the message, and the larynx is less important than the lips."
(Humphreys 1975:73)
Nonverbal communication serves myriad roles in BDSM interaction. Body
language is crucial to understanding in any context, perhaps more so in exchanges of an
erotic nature, or in situations where words cannot easily be heard. This chapter examines
the role of the body in BDSM communication. Certain types of body language serve as
displays of dominance and submission. Posture, positioning, and eye contact can reflect
one's status. The submissive body can be groomed or marked by a dominant, while the
dominant's body is often treated as an object of worship by a submissive partner.

posture and eye contact

Through body language, an individual can exhibit dominance or submission, often
in ways recognized by the casual observer (i.e. a submissive kneeling at a dominant's feet).
In addition, more subtle forms of bodily expression are also recognized by members of the
BDSM community. Often submissives are taught to carry themselves in such a fashion
that their postures reflect their submission:
"One of the most obvious ways that a slave can express his submission is
through his body. A slave should strive to be graceful and unobtrusive at all
times. Just as he should keep his mind focused on the task at hand, so he
should eliminate unnecessary gestures. The Dominant should instruct the
slave to assume a default posture when at rest."
(Abernathy 1996:15)

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I observed many dominants who simply expected their submissives to kneel. Others
allowed their partners to sit comfortably on the floor, thus sparing their knees from the
strain of hard surfaces when they would be in one location for an extended period of time.
Other submissives held more individualized poses, often placing their hands palms up on
their knees, so they could easily hold an item (such as a drink, ashtray, or purse) for the
dominant. The gesture of placing one's palms upright is symbolic of offering, and
represents openness to receive knowledge or training.
Sheba listed several rules for submissives who were in her dungeon, explaining that
they were repeated to the point of becoming habitual. She commented:
"I think a lot of stuff we do is real ritualistic, definitely. Always kiss our
feet, stand nude, never having your head above mine, that's ritualistic."
(Sheba, Interview)
I joked that the final rule, which requires a submissive to kneel or crawl so that his head is
never positioned higher than the dominant's head, is easy for her to enforce since she is so
tall. She laughed, and agreed, "You're right, it's easy for me. I rarely have their heads
above mine. Being tall is wonderful" (Sheba, Interview).
It is another commonly accepted practice that a submissive, when in role and
observing Old Guard protocol, should walk a few feet behind and to the right of the
dominant. As a result, the submissive is literally at his dominant's right hand. The
dominant can turn, reach out a hand (generally the right as most of the population is righthanded), and be served. Thus, the right side is recognized as the side of the submissive,
and the left side is associated with the dominant. Marks of ownership, such as jewelry or

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insignia, are frequently placed on the right half of a submissive's body. Symbols of
dominance are worn on the left side of the body.
I heard several dominants tell comical stories of being new on the scene, showing
up at one's first BDSM social event wearing a flogger or other implement on a right side
belt loop. As Brad explained, "I'm right-handed, so I figured that was the logical place,
right?" (Personal Communication). He arrived at a play party, whip on right hip, only to
be gently teased by others, and asked if he would like a spanking. When the jokes were
met with a confused look, someone took him aside and explained the distinction between
right and left. He quickly changed the position of his whip, and he related his memories
of the evening with a smile.
Eye contact is one aspect of nonverbal communication that is frequently linked to
power. Although there is a stereotype of a kneeling submissive gazing at the floor, the
reality of the situation varies among couples. Some dominants do instruct their
submissives to look down and avoid eye contact as a sign of humility. On the other hand, I
watched a number of scenes in which both partners looked each other in the face, and eye
contact enhanced their experiences. Visual back-channel cues are necessary for good
communication, since "sight is crucial, both for the speaker and for the hearer" (Goffman
1981:130). If the bottom's position requires gymnastics for the top to achieve eye contact
(for instance, if the bottom was bound upside down, or facing the ground), then common
sense, not to mention the comfort of the top, generally rules.
Eye contact is considered in many cases to be the prerogative of the socially
dominant individual, and excessive eye contact or staring could be considered rude in

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many social situations. In BDSM, as in vanilla settings, there is a fine line between a steady
gaze and a rude stare. I confronted that issue during one interview:
"She has a manner about her which was almost intimidating, yet inviting,
an interesting combination. Her steely gaze and unwavering eye contact
could easily render someone into submission, or at least make you look
inside yourself and question what you're made of. That, to me, is a sign of
a true dominant - that gaze. It's both unsettling and flattering; I had her
entire undivided attention the entire interview, despite throngs of people
walking by, construction going on in the background, music blaring a few
times, and a chocolate pudding wrestling contest39 going on over my
shoulder. . . I did my best to stay focused on our conversation; she simply
had more discipline than I do."
(Field Notes, April 10, 2004) .
Personally, as someone who is not submissive, I found Catherine's constant eye contact to
be remarkable, but non-threatening. It gave me the impression of total confidence without
seeming confrontational or intrusive. Unfortunately the environment in which we held
our interview was less than ideal, but she had opted for an outdoor setting so she could
smoke a cigarette after teaching her classes.
Catherine mentioned that the eyes are the windows to the soul, so she does not
have her submissives look at the floor. I asked Catherine why she thought some
dominants trained their slaves that way, and she replied:
"Fear of intimacy! If you look into someone deep enough, they must look
into you. You must reveal yourself. And you must recognize this as a
challenge. The frightening power of talking responsibility for another
human being is huge and tremendous, ask any parent. In many ways this is
the same. And do these tops who are doing this really want that? Or do
they <laminatiori> 'I want coffee, give it to me? And I'm not confident
there, and I don't want you to see the fear in me, so get your eyes on the
floor!' And is it not the oldest game in the world that your eyes are on the
floor and I call you a worm? I am using contempt. And I am not saying
that game is not ok, as long as it is an understood game between both
39

For the record, no one was injured during the pudding wrestling, though I wasn't watching to see who won
the contest.

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parties, but when it is a way of life? They are using contempt to feel better
about themselves and create a mask of superiority, and they are hiding.
That's why I think they do it."
(Catherine, Interview)
Catherine explains that submissives can fall into the same trap of choosing to hide within
themselves by looking at the floor and avoiding eye contact.

the submissive body

Posturing during BDSM scenes, or even during casual conversation, involves subtle
cues as to the roles of the partners. In addition, the body itself can be utilized as a marker
of one's role. A submissive's body is often viewed as the property of the dominant partner,
who may impose modifications as he or she desires. Body modifications vary considerably
in nature, scope, and permanence. Transient modifications include mild shifts in posture
or stance at the direction of a dominant. For example, I spoke with a few dominants who
expressed the preference that their submissives serve them using their non-dominant hand.
A right-handed submissive would hand his dominant a drink, ashtray, or implement using
his left hand. The idea behind this form of training is that the submissive learns to think
before acting, and therefore the role of the submissive is enforced using non-instinctive and
potentially less comfortable movements.
Training the submissive's body takes place in other ways. A dominant may set
physical goals for her submissive involving pain tolerance, flexibility for bondage purposes,
or personal fitness more generally.
"So I know determination, so when I see slaves, I do the same
encouragement. Especially if I can build up their tolerance. I think I'm
very good - no I don't think, I know I'm very good at building a slave's pain

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tolerance. Because I can tell him, especially if I get him sexually aroused I
can tell him, 'Come on, just one more. Please, I know you can take more,
you don't want to let me down.' And they believe in you and they won't let
you down. They can take a lot. That's the goal that I tend to use. Yeah, a
lot of things we go through, it's going to prepare us to be dominant."
(Sheba, Interview)
Sheba describes using discipline and devotion as incentives, using these mental training
tools to shape the physical endurance of her submissives' bodies.
Often submissives bear the temporary marks that come from sadomasochistic play
activities. On the other hand, some dominants prefer indelible marks. More serious
modifications of the body are piercings, cuttings, branding, and so forth. These methods
can be simple or elaborate, relatively temporary or completely permanent. I have met
dominants who pierced submissives in areas of the body used in BDSM play. The resulting
jewelry became an additional source of sensation, or created a useful point for attaching a
leash. I am not aware of anyone among my research contacts who chose tattooing as a
technique of ownership. Practical considerations most likely come into play: a piece of
body jewelry can be removed, leaving only a small scar, but a tattoo will last a lifetime,
unless eliminated via painful laser procedures.
Body hair is another facet of the submissive body that can be molded by a
dominant. Many dominants utilize shaving or other grooming restrictions as a means of
control:
"People look at certain styles of clothing as power. It definitely gives a
power dynamic. And also, I've heard this philosophy over and over and
over again: the reason that you strip subs of their hair and of their clothing
and of their jewelry is to put them in a natural state. In the state of being
that they are vulnerable and that you strip them of their identity. You take
away their identity, and they are identified as a submissive."
(Jen, Interview)

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When submissives were nude at play parties, I often noticed a lack of pubic hair, which
correlates with Jen's statement about the prevalence of the shaving mindset. Sybil echoed
this too, when she shared her experience of being a short-term "training slave" under the
tutelage of a dominant. She was surprised to learn that the removal of body hair was a
standard practice in the household she joined, and it was a point of contention between
her and the Master of the household (Personal Communication).

the dominant body

A dominant's body is also marked, although in a distinctly different way from that
of a submissive. Generally a dominant individual is not the recipient of piercings or
brands that are directly related to their dominance, although many of the dominants that I
met did have tattoos or body piercings. The majority of the tattoos were chosen for
aesthetic value or personal meaning, unrelated to BDSM. One exception was Master Bill,
who had tattoos on his arms depicting BDSM images:
"It's not unusual for me to be walking through a mall and, 'Hi Master Bill!'
<h.ughs> I am who I am. You know, I tone it down at work, but I'm not
ashamed of it, I don't hide it. My tattoos are very much lifestyle and I wear
short sleeved shirts to work. . . The president of the company I've had
contact with many times, and he's seen these tattoos. He's a very religious
man, and he seems to sort of ignore it."
(Master Bill, Interview)
For Bill, choosing tattoo art that reflected his interests in spanking was a dominant's
prerogative, and an avenue for sharing his proclivities with others. His tattoos are bodily
evidence of the importance of his BDSM lifestyle.

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The option to retain or remove their own body hair also falls into the hands of
dominant individuals. When I initially met Brad, he had a full beard. During our
interview, he confessed his recent awareness about being transsexual. In response, I
commented that the beard on the exterior didn't quite match up to the woman on the
interior. Brad agreed with me. Several weeks later, when we met again at a leather festival
cookout, we had the following exchange:
"Brad had shaved his beard off since the last time I saw him, and I
complimented him on how he looked clean-shaven. I hate facial hair. He
told me that I was actually the catalyst for that, and I smirked, thinking
about the conversation at our interview. I asked, 'How so?' since I wanted
to see if he was thinking in the same vein I was. He brought up our
conversation about the packaging fitting the content, how it didn't fit for
him to identify as transgendered with this uber-male marker on the outside.
Yup, we do share a brain. He also brought up the point that if you have a
lousy self image, bring up the outside to fit the inside, and he said that he
felt a zillion times better about himself after shaving his body and his face. I
was delighted to hear it. Good people deserve to be happy with
themselves."
(Field Notes, May 16, 2004)
I had a brief moment of anthropological field-worker anxiety, worried that my comments
during our interview had somehow altered the course of his life. In the end, it is only hair,
and I was assured that my impact had been positive.
The bodies of dominants often appear in images as fetish objects, as things to be
observed, worshipped, touched only with permission, or fantasized about by submissives.
Sheba was aware of those fantasy images, and tried to strike a balance between her own
agency as a dominant woman in control of her body and the desire to be marketable as a
BDSM professional.
"Therefore I knew I had to go learn some more things and get trained, and
lose that weight for one thing. And I know some people are like, 'Pro-

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domination you could be any size you want.' That's true, however I think
business. I think, 'How can I make myself the most sexy, alluring type of
domme that's definitely going to get men coming my way?' And I had to
just do it! I had to do that, I had to do this - my breast implants. Those are
things that will make me, especially if I intend to have a pay site. I have to
appeal to a good number of men diat will pay to just even be in my
presence."
(Sheba, Interview)
Largely due to the popularity of internet marketing, many professionally dominant women
establish pay-per-month member areas on their websites. Dominants also appear in
magazines and papers; thus, face and body images are often the first things prospective
clients encounter when shopping for a potential dominant. Jen explained that there were
many different aesthetics for professional dominants, and the images the women portrayed
in ad materials often affected the type of client inquiries they received. For instance, the
"girl next door" would get calls about spanking sessions or teacher/student role play, but
the "leather-clad badass" got calls from heavy masochists Qen, Interview).
Physical appearance plays a large role in initial attraction, establishing desire, and
maintaining erotic interest. Members of the BDSM community reflect their roles of
dominance and submission via body language in addition to speech. Through utilizing
body modifications and postural training, couples engaged in dominance and submission
explore yet another avenue for BDSM play.

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IV. Communication
21. Fetish Attire and Flagging
"Honey, when you're lifestyle, you can dominate somebody in your
housecoat, okay, your pajamas. You don't have to put on all this latex, this
leather, and all this other shit."
(Sheba, Interview)
The body is the tool through which we express ourselves, and identity emerges in
personal presentation. Clothing, itself a fetish, reflects status within the BDSM identity
matrix. Furthermore, objects such as collars or colored handkerchiefs carry specific
symbolic meanings to practitioners of BDSM. This chapter expands the topic of nonverbal
communication to consider clothing choice as a means of expressing BDSM lifestyle
identifications.

clothing as fetish
"I've had more people ask me about the clothes than anything else."
(Hannah, Interview)
Dressing the body is another form of nonverbal communication. Self-expression
via choice of attire is a form of pleasure for many fetishists, a n d can be an individual's only

active connection to BDSM. Hannah had attended a considerable number of

international events for BDSM enthusiasts. At one point she spoke about her experiences
meeting people who were primarily interested in fetish dressing.
"Basically a lot of the people are just into the dress-up. They're into being
just this fabulously dressed person for the evening. They're not interested
in playing or anything, they just like to be dressed up. . . There's often
fashions where <laminatiori> 'Oh, why should you have to dress if you're a
real player?' and 'You should never have to dress, you should just get down
to business!' But you know what? Getting dressed up is a fetish, too."
(Hannah, Interview)

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In my observations at different BDSM sites in Atlanta, the prevalence of fetish dressing

varied by place. Certain venues drew a larger number of people who chose to dress up for
the night, and other places were more casual.
Dominion usually had outlandishly dressed performers, though there were
evenings when the crowd of guests rivaled the entertainers for costuming efforts. The
following passage from my field notes describes a play piercing scene, and the performers'

outfits were typical of the Dominion stage on a busy night.

"Vanessa took the stage along with a heavy-set woman in the fetish
equivalent of Victorian finery. . . For this piercing show, Vanessa was
wearing only a black thong and electrical tape on her nipples, to stay legal.
She had on knee-high platform boots as well.
The piercer, in contrast to Vanessa's thin but curvy frame (think
Anime girl, only real-life) was taller, heavier, and almost imposing. Her
platinum blonde hair framed her face in arcs of curls, and she was
elaborately dressed in a beautiful PVC corset, opera gloves, and skirt. She
had a Venus figure, hourglass accented with the heavily boned corset. . .
The scene started with the domme ceremoniously removing her
opera gloves. She quickly but effectively warmed up Vanessa with a few
spanks and strokes of her hands over Vanessa's skin. She then leaned
Vanessa over a tall bar chair that was sitting at the front of the platform.
Latex gloves donned, she quickly and efficiently did a series of piercings on
Vanessa's back, along the sides of her spine. I was shocked at how
effortlessly she slid the needles in, almost without ceremony or thought. By
this I don't mean she didn't do them safely - on the contrary, her hands
were steady as steel and Vanessa took it like a champ. . .
This first part of the scene was difficult for me to watch - having
had three back surgeries, sharp things near spines are tough for me. I was
relieved at the speed of it.
Once the needles were all in place, and the now-writhing Vanessa
was given a moment to catch her breath, the needles were laced together
corset-style using clearish white nylon filament. The domme helped
Vanessa to stand and turn around, seating her in the tall chair. Once her
back was out of the spotlight, I realized that the poly hubs on the needles
were glowing blue in the black light of the club. Surreal, to say the least.
The process was repeated on Vanessa's breasts, skin pinched, needles in,
nylon wrapped to cinch them together slightly from the inner side of each

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breast. I hadn't seen this before and was impressed by the whole process.
After their show was over, I was surprised to see that the piercings and
nylon were left in place for the duration of the night. This wasn't the most
sterile thing in the world, but sometimes your immune system needs a good
workout, I guess. Vanessa seemed unfazed by it, dancing around and
carrying on as though nothing was wrong."
(Field Notes, February 21, 2004)
In tbiis example, the bottom's choice of clothing (or lack thereof) was a practical matter. In
contrast, the top's costume was elaborate and clearly intended to augment the aesthetics of
the performance. The manner in which she decorated Vanessa's body mirrored the corset
she was wearing, and the results of their play became a form of fetish clothing. If the
needles were intended to be purely a source of sensation rather than ornamentation, there
would have been no need for glowing monofilament, artfully draped across her body.
A peripheral aspect of most play parties, fetish dress emerged as the main theme of
some events. In addition to the regularly scheduled club nights and BDSM community
events, theme nights were held at different venues. The fairy tale theme party was one
example I describe in my notes.
"Tonight was the private play party hosted by Lee who runs
Dreamplay. Gabby was the first one to tell me about it, and when she told
Lee about my research interests he told her to forward me an invitation. A
few weeks later he and I got in touch via email and he sent me the party
info personally. The party was the first in a series, each one with a different
theme. This one had a fairy tale theme, and it was requested that attendees
dress in fairy tale attire, the more obscure/outrageous the better, or at least
fetish attire as a minimum. I always get excited about the opportunity to
wear costumes - as a kid I was worried that when I got to be a grown-up I
wouldn't be able to play dress-up anymore. Luckily I was wrong. . .
Jacob and I got ready rather last-minute for the party. When I told
him about the theme, he looked puzzled, then said, 'Well, I have some
chain mail in the car- wanna see that and see if it would do?' I had told him
weeks earlier about the theme, but he must have forgotten. Either way, he
went out to his car and came back with a duffel bag full of things from live
action role-playing games he attends. He started pulling things out of there

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that amazed me; chain mail armor, medieval tabards, leather armor, pirate
hat, fake guns, you name it. I watched, smirking, as he donned a full pirate
outfit, feathered leather hat and all. 'Perfect!' I exclaimed. I put on my best
fetish princess outfit (burgundy tulle sparkle skirt, burgundy brocade corset,
burgundy velvet bondage belt and rhinestone-studded collar, heels, and
tiara) and then we left for the party around 11:30."
(Field Notes, March 20, 2004)
Jacob and I weren't the only ones with relatively last-minute costumes, though I must admit
we looked quite stylish and no one in attendance was the wiser. Obviously a lot of time
and effort went into some of the costumes. Several couples were dressed in matching
costumes, or wore outfits that shared a theme.
"When we arrived, most people were dressed, with the exception of a few
people who were already playing in the back, and the braids girl with the
bare breasts. At one point when I was chatting with the braids girl, her
date, and Gabby, 1 realized what their costumes were: Hansel and Gretel.
Gretel had a dirndl on in black PVC, with a lacy circle skirt and high waist
just under her breasts. Her date had on an adorable outfit she had made
for him: PVC lederhosen! She explained to me that she cut off a pair of
black PVC pants and glued on ribbon bows at the knees so they looked like
knickers, then made his suspenders out of the strips of PVC leftover from
the bottom of the pants. She glued on ribbon on the suspenders (amazingly
enough she found matching ribbon - she said she couldn't believe the
coincidence) and attached a horizontal piece of black vinyl between the
suspenders on the front. To this, she appliqued a white vinyl 'H' to identify
him. Adorable, and incredibly creative. He also had on a short blonde wig,
which was made even more amusing later in the night when he took it off
to reveal a head full of long dark hair. There was another couple also
dressed as Hansel and Gretel, both in white tops, black pants/school girl
skirt, and black and white striped tights."
(Field Notes, March 20, 2004)
At some of the BDSM events I attended, participants dressed in ways that reflected their
persona or primary kink (for instance, a girl in a sundress and knee socks engaged in age
play, or a bottom dressed as a human pony). At the fairy tale party, I didn't notice any

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consistent correlations between the costumes people chose and the forms of play in which
they engaged.

fetish wear as situational

Not everyone chose to express their interests in BDSM through apparel. Even for
those who were interested in dressing the part, opting for fetish clothing was not always
practical. David explained one type of situation in which fetish clothing would have
created quite a disadvantage:
"I usually don't communicate it with what I wear. I usually dress like a golf
pro when I would run parties for <group name>, but I had a reason for
that, because I was in charge of the parties. . . We did our parties at hotels
about eighty percent of the time. If I needed to talk to hotel staff, or if the
cops were called, and we had to deal with that once. I tell the - people
asked why I dressed that way, <laminatiori> 'I know you have [fetish]
clothes?' and I said, well I put it this way. If the cops were called to my
party do you want me to walk out in - I don't own a set of chaps but this is
what I tell them - chaps with like no ass, and a harness and talk to the cops
wearing that? Outside. Representing you and trying to make sure that you
don't, you know, that I'm trying to be the buffer between them and you.
Or would you rather I look like I just came off Flight 19 somewhere, on
casual Fridays. And when put to them that way, and say that I'm protecting
you then, 'OK, I get it.' <laughs>n
(David, Interview)
The stereotype of chaps was often a source of jokes. Hannah laughed about it too, saying,
"When people think of BDSM they think of guys at the Blue Oyster in Police Academy,
<laughs> you know, the leather men" (Interview). Despite the frequency of rear-exposing
leather garb in the media's portrayal of fetish apparel, I found it to be quite uncommon.
My field notes only relate one encounter with a man in chaps:
"There was a couple playing on the St. Andrew's cross next to the large
front table, a glasses-wearing boy-next-door type in a white shirt, black

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leather thong, and chaps. This officially marked my first butt-optional

sighting at 1009 - proof positive that the chaps cliche is overrated."
(Field Notes, June 12, 2004)
Sheba also told a story that involved the risks of wearing fetish attire to BDSM
events. Unlike David, who opted to dress conservatively in case he ran afoul of the hotel
security crew, Sheba dressed in leather attire for an event she thought would be held in an
adults-only environment. Since the topic of costumes was at the forefront of fairy tale party
conversations, she shared her experience with several of us at the party. When Sheba
arrived, she was still laughing about the experience she'd just had:
"Towards the end of the evening Mistress Sheba showed up, and it's always
a pleasure to see her, because she invariably makes everyone laugh at her
jokes. She had done a performance with the Hedonists earlier in the
evening, and was griping at the new club policy for the space where
Cyberotica was taking place. The new venue is 18+, rather than the 21+
door policy of Dominion. Apparently tonight the Hedonists were delayed
performing because the upstairs portion of the club (it's three clubs in one,
set up as heaven, hell, and purgatory themes... would be great if the facility
wasn't such a dump) was holding an all ages battle of the bands. Sheba said
when she showed up, in full-on fetish gear, there were fifteen-year-olds
getting into school buses to leave! She was horrified, needless to say."
(Field Notes, March 20, 2004)
Although Sheba was comfortable being open about her interests in BDSM, she felt there
was a time and a place for it. An adult night club was a suitable place for fetish dressing,
but not an environment where minors could be present.

clothing and nudity as status markers

As mentioned in Chapter Twenty, dominants often choose to modify the bodies of
their submissives. At times, a dominant may also select clothing preferences for their
submissives. Dress often played a role in identifying someone as dominant, either through

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Old Guard leather attire or insignia, or through fetish dress such as corsets or latex.
Wearing corsets and restrictive fetish clothing is one of the few times a dominant's body is
confined or mobility is restricted. A dominant may choose such restrictive clothing for a
submissive, or limit a submissive's movement through bondage, but a dominant's bondage
via apparel selection is self-induced.
The choice to remove clothing was often a practical one. I observed several scenes
. in which one partner had another undress to facilitate forms of BDSM play that require
bare skin. In one situation, a top halted a scene in order to coordinate a bottom's
wardrobe change.
"From my vantage point, I could see them talking, presumably negotiating
things. Then Gabby had the shirtless Cameron lay over the horse in the
same fashion Steve was before, head towards the shower area. After playing
with him for a few minutes, fingernails on his back and flogger to his butt,
she motions for him to get up, and Cameron removes his pants. I assume
Gabby deemed the heavy pants to be too much cushioning for her taste."
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)
In addition to practical considerations for clothing removal, nudity also adds a
psychological element to a BDSM scene. As Jen explained, the removal of clothing strips
away the traditional identity of an individual, so that he or she may focus on identifying
primarily as a submissive (Interview). Thus, nudity plays a large role in the construction of
submissive headspace. Consider the following scene I witnessed at a play event:
"The dark haired woman was bent on all fours over an elaborate bondage
horse type device with bright shiny metal framing and black vinyl pads
where elbows, knees, and torso would go. Their scene was largely hands-on,
with a lot of spanking, pinching, biting, and kisses, focused on the young
woman's hips and ass. The bottom was nude, except for a blindfold and
black and white striped knee socks (and a gag for part of the scene, I think)
and her genitals were exposed to the entire crowd watching from the large

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table. She looked very much like the fresh-faced college student or girl-nextdoor (from the front, anyway)."
(Field Notes, January 10, 2004)
In terms of headspace, it is the submissive's place to be physically exposed and mentally
vulnerable. In scenes like the one I describe, the woman's body was available for viewing
by any ratified beholder. In this example, any adult who was a member of the organization
meeting that evening could have watched the scene taking place, since it was in a large,
open indoor area.
Nudity was most often left to submissive individuals or people who were bottoming
in BDSM scenes. There are different, often conflicting ideologies about nudity of
dominant individuals, and this was particularly true among the professionals I interviewed.
Some women felt that a nude dominant body had potential to be the ultimate tool for
erotic denial, providing a heightened sense of power by utilizing the female body as an
instrument of control. For instance, Sheba described using her physique as a tool for
controlling her slaves, and even engaged in wrestling sessions with some clients (Interview).
Others saw exposure as inappropriate for a dominant woman. During one conversation,
Jen argued that nudity would reduce her to a sexual object to be viewed by the submissive,
thus putting her in a less dominant place by virtue of her exposure (Personal
Communication).
In addition to different perceptions of nudity between dominants and submissives,
cases of gender disparity emerged in my data. The following selection is one example:
"Technically, nudity is fully allowed by both the rules of 1009 and I assume
the NewCrop group as well. Obviously every individual has a different
standard for what they are comfortable with, and there is a tendency in
every BDSM context I have witnessed thus far for the bottom/submissive to

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be less clothed than the top/dominant. It struck me that the only person I
saw fully nude (socks notwithstanding - it was *cold* in there!) was the girl
that started the night scene-ing with Cayce. Men kept on boxer briefs or
pants, a n d w o m e n wore thongs, etc. Interesting because the female breast is
considered exposure.'

(Field Notes, January 20, 2004)

The relationship between gender and public nudity was discussed in my interview with
Diane and David, which isn't surprising considering their focus on humiliation. As they
explained in their presentation, much of the fodder for humiliation fantasies involves some
sort of exposure, nakedness, or exhibitionism.
During our interview, David brought up the topic of male orgasms (or lack thereof)
at some of the play parties he had attended. When I asked why he felt there was such a
difference between male and female orgasms, he explained:
"That's another thing, at least the group I run and the groups I've been
around, you don't see male submissives - well, you see a lot of women
orgasm at parties. You don't see a lot of men do that. At least I haven't at
the parties I've thrown and the parties I've been to. I don't see a lot of male
orgasms.
E: Why do you think that is?
You know, my opinion is that for a man to orgasm in public, his cock
probably has to be displayed in some way. . . I don't think its so much
hygiene as it is just being exposed. . . I think even though a male will submit
at play party, to someone else. To actually have an orgasm would mean
usually putting your cock on display. And with men, I don't care how
enlightened you are, there's that little primal thing in the back of your head.
It's <gestures towards his crotch> going to be judged, and it's out for all to
see and I don't know that I want that hanging out for all to see, and even if
they are into a bit of humiliation about that. To actually cum in front of
other people - nudity especially for other men, that's and especially for a
straight man, to cum in front of otlier men, is complex."
(David, Interview)

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Although male orgasms are frequently depicted in pornographic films and described in
written erotica, there is a difference between fantasy and reality. Men may fantasize about
having their genitals on display, but in reality modesty often prevails. David's answer
reinforces the mental vulnerability that can emerge from bodily exposure. Nudity can be a
catalyst for intense submissive headspace, but it can also challenge a person's boundaries
and level of interpersonal comfort.
Diane put David's tolerance for exposure to the test at the end of their NewCrop
presentation later that evening. I describe the event in my field notes:
"As the presentation neared an end, they segued nicely into a scene,
in which David was asked to strip down to a pair of women's underwear,
and receive a spanking over Diane's knee. They ended the session by Diane
instructing him to masturbate in front of the crowd. Her tone the entire
time was akin to that of the caring mother - firm yet kind.
They had mentioned during the interview that it was odd how many
women were nude at scene events, but few men. Further, that you often
saw women orgasm in public play, but rarely men. I suggested it had to do
with bodily fluid issues and whatnot (although some women are as messy as
men) but David suggested it was more an issue of male masculinity and
insecurity about 'literally putting yourself out there' which also makes sense.
Therefore, I was probably less surprised about this ending than the rest of
the audience. I watched how people reacted, and most of them seemed
pretty impressed and amused by the way it made David react, by how much
he enjoyed the humiliation. It was a good way to get the crowd thinking
about the erotics of discomfort and voyeurism as well."
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)
Although Diane hadn't told me of her plans for the end of their presentation, I wasn't
entirely surprised. Having David pleasure himself in front of the audience was a way for
them to engage in a scene that was humiliating for him and entertaining for her, while
enacting something that isn't very common at play parties. Diane's choice of attire for

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David, which included a pair of women's silky panties, also served to mark him as her
submissive.

clothing as symbolic
"Some clothes, such as a green suit, were so bold that few dared wear them.
Other items of apparel, which sent the same message more subtly, were
worn more commonly. Perhaps the most famous of these in the early years
of the century was the red tie. . . An unconventional choice in an era of
conservative colors, a red tie announced unorthodox tastes of another sort
only to those in the know."
(Chauncey 1994:52)
Clothing has long served as an external marker for identity, often in ways only
known by members of private groups. As Chauncey explains, gay men in New York City
used colors to indicate their homosexuality as early as the 1910s. Symbols such as red ties
were both public and private, at once publicly visible yet carrying greater significance to
those "in the know." These outward signs were some of the first steps toward community
formation. Because leather history is linked with gay history, many of the same rules apply.
Much of the modern leather attire has evolved from symbols recognized in gay social
networks, such as biker vests and leather armbands (worn on the right for submissives, and
the left for dominants).
Leather as a material has long been associated with masculine imagery, from
motorcycle riders to cowboys. BDSM apparel often includes leather items, and in Old
Guard traditions leather was earned through training. Not everyone I interviewed kept to
the more strict elements of earning leather, but several of my research contacts had leather

246

items with great personal significance. Many dominants choose to mark their slaves40 with
a symbol, such as a collar, which signifies that the slave is the owned property of the
dominant.
When I attended a lunch meeting for the NewCrop group, the topic of collars
arose during our conversation:
"At some point, Brad asked Sybil about the significance of the collar she
was wearing. It's a black leather collar with elaborate black and purple
stones set in it - a piece that could be both decorative and functional. She
was startled, and admitted that no one had ever asked her about it before.
My response to her was, 'Welcome to Atlanta.' She told Brad about the
collar, how it was a memento she purchased at the night of her first real
scene and suspension, crafted by the couple that runs UPG that I've seen
vending at NewCrop meetings. They really do pretty work, and this collar
could fit in at jewelry shops or fetish stores. What really surprised me was
her added comment at the end of the story, that 'No, it's not symbolic of
anyone collaring me. <Name> and I haven't gotten to that point. . . yet.'"
(Field Notes, May 14, 2004)
Collars came in different forms, both in appearance and meaning. Although Sybil had
never been approached about explaining the importance of her collar, she was obviously
aware that it could be perceived as being more than a decorative adornment. Ironically,
she later held41 a training collar in Brad's household for a brief period of time.
Brad had given collars to both of his slaves, although the two women had collars
that looked very different and carried different meanings. Petra's collar had a large
padlock on the front, but Angel's was apparently more conservative in appearance, though
I never saw it. WTien I asked them why Petra had a collar and Angel did not, the following
exchange took place:
40

Here I use slave rather than submissive intentionally, because a slave is generally viewed as someone who is
the property of another person.
41
As explained in Chapter Thirteen, the phrase "hold a collar" means to be a possession of another person.
When one wears a collar, it is simply a decorative accessory; when one holds a collar, it is symbolic.

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Brad: "Because she lost hers. And I don't mean that she did something
bad, she physically cannot find it.42"
Angel: "It's in the house. . . I work outside the home, and I work in a very
conservative place."
Brad: "The one she had she could wear [to work]."
Angel: "Sometimes. It's metal, it was actually, it's just cylindrical basically
instead of the flat kind. But it, it was a wider gauge than jewelry, you
know? It really, it was too big to be jewelry, but you could get away with it if
you needed to. . . I would wear it sometimes, but at some point when you
flipped your hair up and people were like, <lamination> 'Hey, you can't take
that off! What's going on with that?' You know?"
(Interview)
Petra's collar was symbolic of a permanent commitment; they were legally married in
addition to having a long term Master/slave relationship. Angel was in a "training collar,"
meaning she was in a commitment to Brad's household, but she had not received a
permanent collar yet. He explained the situation to me one afternoon, clarifying that his
reluctance was not a personal decision against Angel: "These things take time and
commitment, and more time" (Personal Communication).
Marks of ownership could also be applied to other parts of the body. There were
instances where I observed chastity devices attached to a submissive's genitals. The
following example took place during a workshop at Dreamplay:
"A member of the audience (no pun intended) stood up and showed off his
chastity device which was made out of metal (I have a photo of him with his
dom showing the device). She [the woman running the workshop]
complimented h i m o n it, asking where he got it from, a n d he responded (in

When Brad says "something bad" he refers to punishable behavior that would have caused Angel to be
dismissed from her position as Brad's slave. He felt the need to clarify his initial response, because the phrase
"to lose a collar" often means the dominant/owner has permanently removed the collar from the
wearer/holder. W h e n someone "loses their collar" they are no longer in service or owned by someone. One
could view this as the Master/slave equivalent of a divorce or break-up.

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a voice that was difficult to understand, due to the large metal head cage he
was wearing) that he got it at the leather fest."
(Field Notes, April 9, 2004)
In this case, the device served dual functions; it was a marker of being owned and an
implement of erotic control.

colors and flagging

Collars and chastity devices may be used to display ownership, regardless of the
item's specific appearance. A collar may be many different materials and this doesn't
necessarily affect the symbolism given to the object .43 The color of an object can also be
personalized:
"He generally wears black with a little bit of red. He explained to me one
night at Dominion that those were his colors, and that every dom has colors
for their leather and their equipment. Today he wore all black, fetish
casual, as it were."
(Field Notes, March 5, 2004)
The colors that a dominant chooses for his or her dungeon equipment are
generally a matter of taste and nothing more. Jen had also chosen red and black for her
implements, because she simply liked the colors (Personal Communication). She said it
was convenient because nearly every whip-maker and toy manufacturer had something in
stock to suit her preference, although at play parties it was often confusing to tell her toys
apart from others'. One advantage to selecting obscure colors would be the uniqueness of
one's equipment. A chartreuse and violet flogger would be unlikely to get stolen or
accidentally switched with an implement belonging to another person, but solid black
whips and bondage restraints were ubiquitous at most BDSM events I attended.
43

I saw leather, metal, vinyl, latex, and cloth collars during my research.

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Color has symbolic meaning in some BDSM contexts. As mentioned in Chapter

Twenty, the right and left sides of the body have become useful markers of identity. The
system of/lagging exists as an extension of the right/left bodily dualism. Like many other
aspects of BDSM practice, flagging originated in the gay men's leather community, possibly
in connection with the symbolism of red neckties. Also known as hanky codes** these
nonverbal signs enable individuals to indicate the types of erotic activities they enjoy by
wearing colored handkerchiefs either in a left or right rear pocket (assuming they are
wearing pants). The right pocket indicates the wearer prefers to be on the bottom or
receiving end of the chosen activity, and the left pocket signals that he or she is a top who
practices that particular form of play.
Some forms of flagging are recognized in the majority of BDSM social networks
and are fairly easy to distinguish, such as grey for bondage, red for anal fisting, and yellow
for water sports.45 Another relatively common example is the color that represents cock and
ball torture or CBT:
"When I came in, she was going over rope bondage, and she had bright
pink rope wrapped around the shaft of <Name>'s penis. She then pulled it
off, rapidly, after he braced himself. Clearly he knew what was coming.
She then moved on to using Vet wrap, which is a form of bandage I've used
with horses before. It sticks to itself but not to anything else. She wrapped
up his penis and balls in a little package, then used it like a hanging boxing
target. She made a point to explain to the audience that she chose the color
turquoise (for the Vet wrap) for a reason, telling us that it 'flags' CBT. She
mentioned gay men's handkerchief codes and the colors that are associated
with certain activities, saying that teal is the color for CBT, so it was only
fitting."
(Field Notes, April 9, 2004)

44

For a list of possible hanky codes, see Master Regi- 2002. Another website contains links to numerous
hanky code lists organized by regional variation (FAV 2007), however some of the links listed are inactive.
45
Water sports are forms of BDSM play involving urine or enemas.

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Several of the more popular fetishes correspond to basic colors, such as red, grey, or
navy, which are easy to identify and recognize by name. Other color shades tend to be
rather difficult for the average person to distinguish, and mistakenly flagging for the wrong
form of activity could have problematic (or at least comical) results. For example, a coral
handkerchief flags for foot fetishism, whereas an apricot hanky translates to "I enjoy
overweight partners." I personally can't tell coral and apricot apart. To cite a further
example in the red family of color tones, magenta symbolizes armpit fetishism, but fuchsia
stands for spanking. One wouldn't generally want to misinterpret those, which may
explain why the use of hanky codes was relatively uncommon in the locations where I
conducted my research.
A few men told me that hanky codes simply weren't in vogue any longer, and I only
saw a few instances where people used hanky codes during my observations in Atlanta.
The following example took place at a play party during the weekend of a large BDSM
event that draws attendees from across the nation. The event brings together people from
many different facets of BDSM, including a large gay leather contingent. Several lesbian
couples who were in town for the event came to the play party, but there were very few gay
men in attendance. I describe the evening in my field notes:
"There were several girl duos, including Shelby and Cayce topping the age
play presenter from Dreamplay while her Daddy top looked on. I saw a
handful of lesbian couples watching and playing, one in the second side
r o o m o n the cross.

I am guessing lesbian from the leather regalia a n d

insignia - including one woman who had a latex glove in her left rear
pocket - which stands for 'safe sex top' in hanky code. I was proud of
myself for knowing that one. I have yet to see any straight people use hanky
codes. Missing from the melange were gay men - only a few about,
probably because the others were at one of the two men's leather bars in
town."

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(Field Notes, June 12, 2004)

Flagging isn't restricted to the use of traditional handkerchiefs or cloth material. I've heard
of more unusual flags such as cocktail napkins for bartender/barfly, mosquito netting for
those who enjoy outdoor sex, or a rebel flag for those who fight to be on top or bottom
(Personal Communication).

leather insignia
"I love private symbols. . . I was having a really bad day, and I went out to
lunch. I was at lunch, and on my way out of the restaurant on my way back
to work, walking through the parking lot, I looked across the parking lot
and I saw a car that I had never seen before that had a leather pride bumper
sticker. And I was like <face lights up> you know? It was just that moment,
it was that kinship, even though it had nothing to do with why I was having
a bad day, it put a smile on my face and I felt better."
(Brad, Interview)
In addition to handkerchiefs, other external marks help community members
recognize each other. Many BDSM organizations have special insignia that are worn on
leather vests, jackets, or toy bags, and there are numerous icons of BDSM identification.
Like the gay and transsexual communities, the BDSM community has its own pride flag
and icon, and many special interest groups within the community are developing imagery
of their own.
"What I love is at Dreamplay, where we found out about the age-play flag.
E: Oh, I didn't know there was an age-play flag.

I didn't either. They invented it!"

(Angel, Interview)

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Apparently a couple, well known in Atlanta for their involvement in role play involving age
dynamics, designed a flag to bring attention to their particular interests and to strengthen
their social network.
Black leather is an omnipresent marker of BDSM community identification and a
fetish object. Items of leather clothing can signify many different things, ranging from a
broad, basic interest in BDSM play to a specific title or status within a community
organization. Many of the regional and national scene events have annual competitions
that award titles to winning couples or individuals; leather prizes bearing the name or title
are often bestowed upon the new title-holder.
"We said our goodbyes to as many people as we could catch on the way out
the door (trust me, this was quite a process) and sent two designated boys to
get the van. I was underdressed, and Jacob's stiletto heels were killing him.
As we waited, I saw Master Bill at an alcove near the door giving a woman a
spanking. He wore a black leather sash over his shoulder that said 'Mr.
Dominion Leather 1997' spelled out in silver studs. He looked up from
what he was doing - they were very casual about it - and said hello to me.
He then explained that she had gotten her first spanking from him, at
Dominion, many years ago. She came back on closing night for another
spanking with him."
(Field Notes, February 21, 2004)
Leather contest sashes, vests, and jackets are a way for respected members of the BDSM
community to show their lifestyle pride. Clothing can be a fetish that brings personal
pleasure to the wearer, or it can be an outward representation of personal identification.
Attire is a versatile aspect of nonverbal communication, particularly when worn within a
community that recognizes shared, private symbols.

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VI. Conclusions
22. Knowledge and Inclusion
"I think that's why we're blessed in D/s and blessed in poly, because
everyone says, 'You don't do this by yourself.' You don't pick up a flogger
and go, <laminatiori> 'Huh, I wonder, I guess I could hit her right there.'
The people that do are called down immediately. You see somebody who's
an idiot, it's pointed out. . . and the people that are not emotionally mature
enough to deal with that, leave. And the ones that are, learn. It's leave or
learn, learn or leave. That's our lifestyle. You can't remain incompetent,
unless you try really hard. . . "
(Brad, Interview)
role of education
Every community has a shared knowledge base that is specific to the group, and
BDSM is no exception. As described in the last several chapters, modes of verbal and
nonverbal communication operate within this community of practice. BDSM players share
many forms of specialized knowledge, including locations of safe spaces for interaction,
technical knowledge about specific forms of play, terms for self-identification, vocabulary,
and verbal negotiation skills. Everyone I met seemed to emphasize educating each other
about safe and healthy play.
Members of the Atlanta BDSM community have established multiple avenues for
knowledge transmission. The focus on education and safety goes beyond a simple
commitment to follow the leather code of "safe, sane, and consensual." There is a
conscious awareness of the dichotomy of hurt versus harm: one is a physical sensation that
has the potential to cause pleasure, but the other is medically damaging. Seniority within
the community plays a role in education, with mentoring and training existing at all levels,
from the dungeon monitor to the lifestyle coach. Emphasis is placed on "acceptable levels
of risk" that are negotiated in scenes and in relationships.

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Group functions and weekend gatherings almost always include some form of
structured educational opportunity. Workshops and presentations are common, and one
Atlanta organization exists for the sole purpose of providing education to the BDSM
community:
"The Pack started as a group of heavy players, who wanted to get
together and not have the distraction of people who got annoying about
heavy play. So what they did is they formed a group for that purpose. They
had what they called Pack Night that they arranged with <Name> of the
former Purgatory once a month. They had a Saturday night play party once
a month where people came to Purgatory Dungeon, they came and did edge
play. . .
It turns out that the people in the Pack, who were heavy players,
also tended to be <pauses> community elders? And if that's pushing it a bit,
at least people who were knowledgeable and well known, and most of them
not afraid to be identified as a leather person publicly. And so they found
themselves often approached to teach. Someone would say <laminatiori>
'Gosh, that scene you just did with the needles was so cool! No one does
that at my dungeon, you know, could you come teach our group about
needles?' And that became eventually the focus of the group. It shifted
from a play party group of friends to a group with an educational mission.
We actually have changed our membership requirements drastically
to the point where we really are only looking for new members who can
teach. We still do have our play parties, but they are, we have them after
our business meetings, and what we talk about during our business
meetings is our educational stuff."
(Brad, Interview)
At the time of our interview, Brad was the president of the group I dub "The Pack" and
Angel was the vice president. During the conversation I had with the members of their
household, they emphasized the importance of teaching safe techniques to newcomers. As
Brad joked, training opportunities are so c o m m o n that one has to make a concerted effort

to remain uninformed.

teaching approaches

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Old Guard training involves learning techniques from the bottom upwards. One
undertakes a lengthy journey from novice submissive to experienced dominant.
Catherine's experience followed this pattern:
"Well, it's interesting because certainly I know what happened in my life.
Do I know exacdy how it happened? No, and it is as simple as we all shift.
We all shift, we all grow, we all need different things. When I started this,
all I ever wanted to be was a slave. My owner was pretty damn sure that he
would not outlive me, and that I would outlive him absolutely, and have
slaves of my own. . . And because of this, he made sure the world saw me as
a mentoring top, as daughter to him, as someone who would move forward
with that. And, I learned a lot about power."
(Catherine, Interview)
Catherine's first owner had a long-term vision for het place in the BDSM lifestyle, and his
teachings have affected her in numerous ways. I asked about her decision to pursue a path
of teaching, and she explained how she got involved with BDSM education. "Originally I
came to it because I made a promise to my deceased Master" that she would be "giving
back in to the family" by helping people learn (Catherine, Interview).
Many of the people I interviewed did not have exclusively Old Guard training.
However, even newer training approaches value long-term mentorship with an experienced
top. Rick agreed, "The best learning I've ever had, has been bottoming" (Interview). In
addition, short term educational opportunities provide many avenues to learn new play
techniques or enhance one's ability to communicate with a BDSM partner. Most of the
educational settings I witnessed during my research were of the semi-formal classroom
variety. Instructors gave presentations that frequently included demonstrations, often with
a sense of humor:

256

"Later when she is demonstrating clamps, she explains, 'You wanna do this
slowly, but this isn't a real scene' and he quips, 'Yeah, and it's not real
pain!' She says later that it's 'ail educational. God, I love education!'"
(Field Notes, April 9, 2004)
In this case, the person on the receiving end of a presentation on genital torture was
experiencing very real pain, much to the amusement of his co-presenter and the audience.
Often, informal play experiences supplement more structured learning. It was not
uncommon to see someone pause a conversation at a play party, grab a few implements,
and start demonstrating a particular technique, as Sheba does in this example*.
"She spent most of the evening in the back room talking to the vendors,
demonstrating to the older woman (I assume from the photos on the
vendors' website that she is the wife/business partner of the man I met)
how to do a double-flogger technique. That's something I've never
managed to pull off smoothly - the floggers always get tangled up together
and I end up laughing too much to get it right. At one point she and I got
to chat for a bit, about everything from play parties to plastic surgery, and
we agreed to meet up in the next few weeks for an interview."
(Field Notes, March 20, 2004)
Whereas I lacked the coordination to effectively master Florentine flogging, which involves
wielding two whips simultaneously, Sheba's impromptu pupil did a lovely job.
The same style of casual learning through demonstration took place one evening at
1009. The following passage from my field notes describes the first time I saw Brad
conducting a scene at a play party:
"The Asian woman seemed to be enjoying her role as instigator.
She egged the dom on, asking him numerous questions about the tools he
was using, and safety concerns. She was obviously new to the scene but
curious, with a potential for a wicked sadistic streak. She asked about
candle wax at one point, and he started telling her about the safe types of
wax that can be used, but pointing out he unfortunately didn't have any. I
mentioned that the vendor did, and she grabbed her purse to go get some.
She returned about fifteen minutes later with about ten candles, presenting
them proudly to the dom, and we all laughed.

257

After she brought back the wax, the dom invited her to help put it
on the young woman. They got a tarp from Master Bob and draped it
under her. He showed her how to test the heat of the candles, explaining
that these were specially made to have a low melting point and be safe for
use on skin, so it wouldn't burn her. He lit up two of the candles from a
silver pyramid shaped candle already burning in the room, and handed one
of them to her. He demonstrated to her that the closer the candle was to
the skin the hotter the wax, and the higher up the candle was held, thus the
farther the wax had to drip through the air, the more the air would cool the
wax. He told her that she should always test wax on her own skin before
putting it on someone else, and to keep in mind that the skin of the bottom
could be more sensitive because of the body parts being used or the fact that
the skin may have already been whipped, as it was in this case.
She didn't understand what he meant about testing on herself, and
made a confused expression, so I piped up, 'like testing a baby bottle'. I'm
not sure why I said this, but this made sense at the time. . . I personally have
never tested a baby bottle, but I have seen it done, and the same procedure
applies. She looked at me, smiled, and nodded, then immediately tried the
wax on her inner wrist. The dom smiled at me as well. They then
proceeded to drip wax on her back and shoulders, the woman cautiously at
first, and the dom warned her to keep an eye on where the flame was, not
just on where the wax was falling. She nodded, realizing she had almost lit
the girl's hair on fire."
(Field Notes, March 6, 2004)
When we chatted a few months later, Brad explained that the woman had enthusiastically
begun her own exploration of BDSM. They had an opportunity to play at his dungeon,
and he was showing her several aspects of the lifestyle to determine what was the best fit for
her personal preferences.

levels of inclusion
"I discovered that not only do I like to inflict pain, I like to squick the
newbies.
E: Squick?
It's a word kind of in colloquial use around Atlanta, it means give them the
heebie geebies, make them freak out, run in terror, whatever. Which is

258

kinda counter-balanced to my normal attitude. Normally I like to educate

people. . . In a public space 1 love it when I have an audience at the start of
a scene, and I don't by the end of it <he and Petra laugh>. That's what I like.
I like to watch people blanche and leave."
(Brad, Interview)
During our interview, Brad and Petra described what happened when they first
sought to locate the BDSM community. At that time, their personal involvement was
limited to bondage play, and they were shocked at the sadomasochistic scenes they
witnessed at group functions. Despite their initial apprehension, they returned to the
group's later meetings. As Brad explained, their desire to establish social contacts and
learn about new things outweighed their trepidation. Through community education, they
were able to learn that the frightening scenes they saw were in fact quite safe, though
intimidating to behold.
When 1 attended a lunch meeting NewCrop held at a local restaurant, Brad related
those early experiences to his friends sharing the table with us. One man visiting from
New York played a role in the retelling, because he was the one engaging in the scene Brad
observed during that first play party. Here I include a portion of my field notes from that
afternoon lunch meeting:
"Brad told to NY guy the story he told me about going to the facility
that 1009 used to be for the first time, seeing all of these heavy scenes and
getting spooked. Apparently the heavy scene he saw was NY guy and his
partner doing a heavy singletail whipping scene. I brought up Jen's first
session story from the NewCrop presentation, giving NY guy a summary of
it, much to his horror and everyone else's amusement since they'd heard it
before. Brad explained that his first experience happened at a time when
he and Petra were 'still just into bondage. . . we thought S/M was for crazy
weirdos.'
. . . NY guy expressed his frustration at such experiences, saying that
he was always in a conundrum, because he didn't want to scare away
newbies but that he wanted to feel free to play as heavily as he liked. This

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brought up a fascinating point about inclusion. Brad reassured him that

although it scared him away at first, he still came back. 1 pointed out that
Jen did too. But NY guy said that there were obviously some people who
didn't. Brad even confessed that he really enjoying 'twinking the newbies"46
and doing things to mess with their minds on purpose, such as using scary
looking/sounding toys that really didn't hurt, etc. I almost wonder if that's
what he was trying to do that first night he was watching me watch his
scene. . . I need to ask him about that, not sure how to do it in a tactful
way.. .
At this point Carl explained, 'I like that this is a self-selecting
community.' Amazing turn of phrase. He went on to explain that he
enjoyed feeling like there was some sort of filter through which people had
to pass, as if to prove that they deserved to be there. The table agreed,
bringing up reasons such as social compatibility outside of mere BDSM play
(such as munches) and so forth as reasons they needed to fit in to some
point. The general consensus was that while not everyone was meant to be
a heavy player, they had to tolerate other's safe but edgy play Just as they
would want vanilla people to tolerate their relatively light play. Thinking
about education and still stuck on Sybil's comment earlier, I pointed out
something else: that a person unwilling to stick around and learn that what
looks dangerous is in fact safe and consensual probably isn't going to be
willing to learn about safe play and consensuality in their own interactions.
They agreed this was true, discussing the good and bad about edgy semipublic scenes, talking about extremes and levels of knowledge. . . Another
point related to this is that the BDSM community is a group focused on
education and sharing of knowledge. The notion of levels of knowledge
corresponding to leveh of inclusion makes sense within that aspect of the
community ideology, when referring to knowledge about consensuality and
context."
(Field Notes, May 16, 2004)
As I explain in my notes, community members believe that desire will outweigh
hesitation, if a novice player has serious interests in BDSM. For the people who formed
The Pack, a desire to play freely at high levels of intensity motivated them to establish their
own play nights. Experienced players face a dilemma w h e n novices are present: d o they

play at the levels of intensity they desire, using play techniques that could turn off
prospective members of the community, or do they tone down their activities, effectively

Given the context, "twink" seems to be a synonym for "squick."

260

censoring themselves to make their scenes more palatable to observers? Carl summarized
the prevailing view of the group, emphasizing that people who want something badly
enough and are open minded will make the effort to seek knowledge. Novices who are
open to education will have ample opportunities to receive it. As a result, a community of
tolerant, like-minded individuals will thrive.

concluding comments
During my research, I was frequently reminded that the process of becoming an
established member of the BDSM lifestyle takes time and commitment:
"Today I got a few interesting references online. Bart sent me an email on
warning signs about dominant individuals. It goes over several archetypes
of bad dominants, and warns of the dangers of becoming one of them, and
of submitting to one of them. The article also seeks to counter the myth of
instant dominants: 'Instant Dominant. Just Add Water, and Shake Well.'
The author argues that it takes more than a little reading and some floggers
to become a dominant, that it instead is a life long path of study and
practice, and that even experienced dominants are still always learning. I
recall this theme coming up with both Master Bill and Master Bob, which
seems accurate."
(Field Notes, March 30, 2004)
The long path to acceptance is not limited to individuals; groups must also establish
themselves within the BDSM community. During my research, the young members of
NewCrop actively sought acceptance and recognition in the larger BDSM community.
NewCrop's decision to hold their meetings at a well known Atlanta venue provided the
group with a solid start. By bringing experienced educators to conduct presentations at
monthly meetings, the organizers of NewCrop provided educational opportunities for their
diverse membership.

261

Practitioners of BDSM are choosing to engage in activities that bring pleasure along
with risk. Risks are accompanied by the potential for intense erotic and emotional
satisfaction. For members of the Atlanta community, power exchange through BDSM
brings greater depth to relationships and social involvements.
"I do teach, therefore I must be able to communicate. This is important
because a lot of people, while competent at what they do, are terrible
teachers. I am so deeply invested in communication because I am not
interested in short-term relationships. I am interested in deep intimacy,
and I want that in everything that I have."
(Catherine, Interview)
Good communication facilitates education. Members of the Atlanta BDSM community
share their knowledge with each other and with interested observers, partly for the
purposes of encouraging safe play. Community education also arises out of the desire to
construct meaningful discourse, to build relationships with significance, and to establish a
social network with permanence.

262

Appendix: Transcription Conventions

field notes
Passages quoted from field notes are reprinted as they were originally written, with
the exception of minor edits for spelling and clarity. I have retained the original sentence
structure, which was often somewhat free-form. I always wrote extensive field notes at the
end of the evening, when observations were fresh in my mind. Thus, dates are accurate.

interview transcripts
Recorded interviews were transcribed using two different techniques. Because
most interviews involved a single participant, a play script style of transcription was suitable
for the majority of the interviews. W h e n I interviewed couples, I sometimes utilized a

musical score transcription convention (Eckert 1990). In this technique, each speaker is
given a line throughout the entire conversation, even when that speaker is silent. When
there are multiple speakers in a conversation, this approach enables the anthropologist to
better document interruptions and overlaps in speech.
Bold words indicate speaker emphasis. The ethnographer's words are designated in
italics, following an initial E. My notes appear in [square brackets]. Angled brackets are
used in lieu of <Names>, <Group Names>, or <Places>. Finally, nonverbal actions appear
italicized within angled brackets, such as <laughter> or <laminatiori>. Laminations occurs
when a speaker shifts footing to mimic a voice or speak for another person (Goffman
1979:155).

263

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