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*Linda Esposito LCSW
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/linda-esposito-lcsw>* From
Anxiety to Zen
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen>
Why Do We Repeat the Past in Our Relationships?
How maladaptive behavioral patterns become ingrained over time
Posted Mar 22, 2016
*

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*We repeat what we do not repair. Christine Langley Obaugh*
"Why would a person marry someone just like their father or mother if
their parents <https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/parenting> were
{insert any abusive trait
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/personality>} alcoholic
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/alcohol>/narcissistic/emotionally unavai
lable?
Doesnt it make more sense to look for a partner with the opposite
traits? is commonly asked from up-and-coming therapists during clinical
supervision.

This is an insightful question about a most confusing psychological


phenomenon called repetition compulsion, or why we repeat the past. In
repetition compulsion a person repeats a traumatic
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/trauma> event or its
circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or
putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again.
While no hard-and-fast answers exists, many theories offer explanations
as to why just leave is not an option for some individuals exposed to
unstable or traumatic relationships.
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201405/11-reasons-unhappy-coup
les-dont-break>
Jeremy Thomas/unsplash.com
Source: Jeremy Thomas/unsplash.com
According to psychiatrist and researcher, Bessel van der Kolk,(link is
external) <http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/> Many
traumatized people expose themselves, seemingly compulsively, to
situations reminiscent of the original trauma. These behavioral
reenactments are rarely consciously understood to be related to earlier
life experiences.
And Sigmund Freud
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/freudian-psychology> found a
correlation between individuals who are poor historians when recounting
earlier traumatic events, and being more likely to repeat the repressed
material as a contemporary experience, instead of remembering it as
something that occurred in the past.
*Why Change is Hard*
Humans seek comfort in what is familiar and predictableeven if this
means repeatedly dating <https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/mating>
people who are emotionally or physically abusive. Here are some reasons
why we stay in unhealthy relationships.
Seeking out those relationships now means recreating history and
changing the outcome, thereby gaining mastery over what we couldn t
control as a child ("the desire to return to an earlier state of
things," according to Sigmund Freud).
Re-enacting scenarios from our past holds the hope that this time we
will get it right. If we act nicer, perform better, dress differently,
find the right words, or make some other miraculous behavioral change
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/habit-formation> then our
partner (symbolic stand-in of the rejecting parent, or parents
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-nar
cissist-and-do-instead>)
will no longer rebuff and abuse us. Consciously or unconsciously, we
believe we are omnipotent in this persons life and we have the power to
satisfy them, thereby unlocking their love
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/relationships> and acceptance.
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Weve internalized that we deserve to be mistreated.

Conditioning causes us to seek out psychological or emotional abuse


from others (consciously or unconsciously).
Compulsive repetition of the trauma may provide a temporary sense of
mastery or even pleasure (but ultimately leads to chronic feelings of
helplessness and a sense of being bad and out of control).
Change, even when healthy, feels foreign and scary. When we consider
that all patterns of behavior contain ulterior gains, we can better
understand the cycle of repetition. Its important to note that the
motivation <https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/motivation> to not
change is not necessarily an action that brings happiness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/happiness>, relief or other
positive emotions. Sometimes we revert back to familiarity because the
outcome is predictable. To venture into uncharted waters is to invite
intolerable anxiety.
*Addiction to Trauma*
Tragically, some people remain so preoccupied with the trauma that they
and are not able to develop meaningful life experiences. This fixation
often results in difficulties with assimilating subsequent experiences,
almost as if their emotional development and maturity has stopped at a
certain point (usually at the age when the trauma occurred).
War veterans may enlist as mercenaries, victims of incest may become
prostitutes, and victims of childhood
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/child-development> physical
abuse seemingly provoke subsequent abuse in foster families or become
self-mutilators. Still others identify with the aggressor and do to
others what was done to them. Clinically, these people are observed to
have a vague sense of apprehension, emptiness, boredom, and anxiety
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anxiety>when not involved in
activities reminiscent of the trauma." Bessel van der Kolk
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Making matters worse is that reliving the trauma time and again in
psychotherapy <https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/therapy> may
actually sustain the preoccupation and fixation. Empirical evidence does
not exist to support Freud s idea that repetition eventually leads to
mastery and resolution.
*Treatment*
*Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if
you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.
Deepak Chopra*
The level of trauma and dysfunction a person has experienced influences
the course and pace of therapy; however, gaining control over one s
current life, rather than repeating trauma in action, mood, or physical
states, is the primary goal of treatment.
Developing a safe therapeutic relationship in which clients can explore
the realities of their childhood experiences and its effects on their
current lives, is key. This connection provides a secure attachment
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/attachment> which can buffer

against further social isolation


<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/loneliness> and repetitive
patterns of unhealthy behavior.
Before exploring their traumatic roots, however, clients need to abstain
from the coping mechanisms or defenses that were traditionally employed
to protect against feelings of traumatic overwhelm, such as substance
abuse <https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/addiction>, self-injury
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/self-harm> or violence against
others.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), (link is external)
<http://wiredforhappy.com/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-a-fun-guide-to-getting-be
tter/>dialectical
behavior therapy (DBT), and rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) are
effective modalities for reshaping thought patterns that lead to
unhealthy behaviors. Focusing on awareness of cognitive
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/cognition> distortions, negative
self-talk, and core beliefs, and replacing these thoughts with
healthier, more realistic thoughts is crucial.
Trauma-sensitive people have a difficulty with accurately observing time
and often think a bad situation or feeling will last forever. Their
challenge is learning how to notice what is happening in the
here-and-now, and recognizing how things can and will shift, rather than
avoiding reality or self-medicating with alcohol or drugs
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/psychopharmacology>.
Once the traumatic experiences have been located in time and place, a
client can start making distinctions between current life stresses and
past trauma and reduce the impact of the trauma on present experience.
Additionally, self-regulation
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/self-control> tools that
reinforce a state of calm
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201504/mindfulness-practices-i
n-5-minutes-or-less>and
a connection to the mind and body can greatly benefit healing. Most
trauma-sensitive people need some form of somatic work to regain a sense
of safety in their bodies. Mastering physiology via deep-breathing,
positive visualization
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/fantasies>, mindfulness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/mindfulness>-based practices and
yoga, helps change the central nervous systems arousal response and
quiets the brain <https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/neuroscience>.
Though the journey toward healing is a long and arduous process, help is
available and emotional well-being is attainable.
*"No pain is so devastating as the pain a person refuses to face and
no suffering is so lasting as suffering left unacknowledged.
Cermak & Brown*
*******
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Show 1 Comment

<#>
Commitment and consistency-to death.
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/828172#comment-828172>
Submitted by Lon Spector on March 22, 2016 - 11:23am
Self destruction becomes imprinted on the psyche.
Better to feel pain then to feel nothing at all.
Only when people really see how they hurt themselves
will they stop. But they don t REALLY see.
* Reply to Lon Spector
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1087475/828172>
* Quote Lon Spector
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1087475/828172?quote=1#commen
t-form>
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From Anxiety to Zen <https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen>
Getting you on the other side of anxiety
Linda Esposito, LCSW
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/linda-esposito-lcsw>
*Linda Esposito, LCSW,* is a psychotherapist helping adults and teens
overcome stress and anxiety.
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