This little fella could be described as the 'Common' Haggis though as

every Scot knows, they are not a common sight. Their coat is the colour
of dry mountain heather and thus can be found mainly in the uplands of
Scotland. This specimen is a male, we can deduce this from the animal's
slightly smaller head and long sharp claws. They can grow to anything
between 12 - 35cm (4 - 14 inches).

This is the female of the species. We can tell by her less dangerous
looking claws and longer body. However what she lacks in weapons she
more than makes up for in ferocity and strength. In fact, a female haggis
defending her eggs can drive off an adult vole, fully a third of her size.
Here, she is balancing on her hind legs to enable her to see above the
grass and heather.

The Golden Haggis

The fabled Golden Haggis (Marag fabulosus aurelius). The hunter who
spots this very rare type of Haggis is lucky indeed. Scottish folklore
speaks of untold riches and good fortune for whoever spots this beast.
No-one knows where the Golden Haggis comes from. Scientists disagree
over whether it is a separate species or just an albino. Whimsical tradition
has it that the wee folk paint one haggis in every hundred and use them
as steeds during the celebrations for the birthday of the Faerie King.

Zoologoly of the Haggis

The Enthusiasts Cryptozoologicon tells us that the haggis is a member of
the family of duck-filled phatypuds (of the genus umbrus), the group from
which the Australian duck-billed platypus derives. The creatures are
believed to be the descendants of a migrating group of phatypuds trapped
in Europe during the last ice age. They evolved thick pelts and layers of
blubber to survive in the cold damp conditions gripping the continent. So
well did they adapt that they began to thrive and multiplied in huge

numbers. But as the glaciers retreated and the melt waters dried, the
haggis had to flee north to escape the rising temperatures. As the planet
warmed, there were fewer and fewer habitats suitable for the haggii,
needing as they did almost constant rain and a chill climate. Thus it was
that Scotland became the only place in the world where haggii can be
found.
Latin name: Marag fabulosus.
Lifespan: Unknown.
Natural enemies: Anything with teeth, anything larger than a football
and, of course, midges, the natural enemy of every living thing.
Food: Heather, blaeberries, turnips and potatoes.
Habitat: Cold and wet regions of Scotland.
Range: The haggis can be found anywhere in Scotland. However the
creatures become harder to find after 30 November, the start of the
hunting seasons. Centuries of persecution have obviously caused these
creatures to be cautious at this time of year. On 31 December, something
very unusual happens: haggii move east across the country in huge
numbers. The reason for this mass migration is unknown. This could be an
example of co-evolution as most of the human inhabitants of the country
are in no condition to hunt on 31 December or 1 January and the haggii
can move unmolested.
Mating habits: The mating season starts on 25 January, a date after
which it is illegal to hunt the haggis. Most mating attempts are
unsuccessful, possibly due to the cold weather. However a successful
female will lay literally hundreds of eggs. This strategy is the only reason
that the haggis has survived.

Top tips for the haggis moors

Hunting the haggis is no easy matter. Before you have even ventured out
on hills armed with your meuran (the standard tool of the haggis hunter)
there are a myriad of traditions to be observed.
Central to the art is stealth. Like the deer stalker, the haggis hunter must
be silent, invisible and without odour. Fortunately, while the haggis has
incredibly acute senses, these function over a very narrow range. Thus the
haggis hunter has to be only a bit silent, a bit invisible and a little without
odour.
The haggis can hear only certain high pitched sounds with any clarity. By
whacking turnips with a mallet next to a haggis warren, or fobhrste, the
prominent cryptobiologist Ima Maidep-Nayim has proved that the animal
does not react to low thudding sounds. However, even a light rustling can
send make these delicate creatures bolt.

By perverse coincidence, the sound the haggis is most sensitive to is that

of plaid rubbing on underpants. No-one knows why this should be,
perhaps this almost undetectable noise mimics exactly the sound of a
golden eagle plummeting towards its target. Whatever the reason, the
aim of a haggis hunter who sports underwear will never be true. Hence,
the tradition that true Scots wear nothing under their kilt.
As far as masking the hunters smell is concerned, there is only one
substance that can hide the multifarious odours of a haggiser: whisky.
Preferable, the hunter should be absolutely drenched in the stuff to mask
any scent. Manys the ignorant laird who has given his gamekeeper a
tongue-lashing for smelling of alcohol and then had to issue a cringeing
apology after learning this bit of haggis lore.
Finally, the haggis hunter must make himself invisible to his prey. Much
like the Tyrannosaurus Rex a creature to which it is not often compared
the eyes of haggis react most effectively to movement, but only
movement in a straight line. In order to creep up on their prey, haggis
hunters must disguise their approach by adopting a shambling, apparently
random gait. This is know as havering.
Thus is you encounter a Scot stinking of whisky, shuffling down the street
in an ungainly fashion with their kilt flapping round their bare backside
you know they are only hunting the haggis. To show that you are au fait
the hunt, approach him (or her) and say in a loud voice: Ach, your
havering. A lively discussion should ensue.

Ten things you never knew about Haggis

1. The correct plural of haggis is haggii, although under certain
grammatical circumstances it can be haggises or even wee yins.
The name Haggii comes from the Latin for harried ones.
2. The Haggis Hunting season runs from when they hatch (30
November) until 25 January. The 31st of December is particularly
anticipated by Haggis hunters as it is when great herds of Haggii
migrate north for winter. The correct term for stalking a haggis is
havering.
3. Lewis Carrolls nonsense poem The Hunting Of The Snark was
originally called The Hunting Of The Haggis until he found out the
Scottish beast actually existed.
4. Seeing a live haggis is supposed to be a sign of imminent good
fortune. Earl Nyaff of Uirsgeul reputedly encountered one on his
way to Ayr races in 1817 and subsequently won 50. True, he was
badly trampled by the winner and flogged for race fixing after being
falsely accused by his own brother, but at least he made a tidy
profit.

5. An alcoholic drink derived from the haggis has yet to be invented,

despite many centuries of intensive research.
6. The haggis is unusual in that it is neither consistently nocturnal nor
diurnal, but instead is active at dawn and dusk, with occasional
forays forth during the day and night.
7. Haggis eggs are inedible, and can be easily confused with deer
droppings. On the whole they are best avoided.
8. Some myths say the spider watched by Robert the Bruce was trying
to escape from a haggis foraging for food.
9. Haggis fur is waterproof but not showerproof.
10.

No-one has ever succeeded in breeding haggii in captivity.

The Haggis in Scotlands History

According to Ossians Encyclopaedia Eccentrica, the first historical
document to mention the haggis is an account of the Roman invasion of
Scotland written by Iocus. The noted scholar relates that as the Roman
and Caledonian forces faced each other before the battle of Mons Graupius
in 83AD a wandering Pictish holy man called Goileam saw a small round
creature revered by the tribes dart from the heather and run toward the
invaders. Goileam turned to the Scottish army and, baring his breast,
promised that this was an omen of victory and led a headlong charge
against the forces of Agricola.
Within an hour, Iocus tells us, more than 10,000 Caledonians lay dead,
their army defeated, their land conquered.
The Picts blamed the appearance of the small brown omen for the terrible
defeat and sought to exact retribution on the creature that had so
betrayed them. The haggis hunts began out of a desire for vengeance. It
was then that the unfortunate creatures got their name haggii comes
from the Latin for harried ones.
Before that fateful day, the haggii had been plentiful in Scotland. Like the
Dodo, they did not fear man, while man basically left the odd looking
animals alone. When the Picts unleashed their vengeful feud on the
haggii, the small creatures were all but wiped out.
But there was more to the events of that year than the persecution of an
unfortunate beast by warriors feeling the pain of defeat. It was a time
which saw one of the greatest culinary discoveries since fishermen first
noticed that oyster shells could be opened. The Scottish harvest of 83AD
was particularly poor and the people were forced to find food anywhere
they could. As they were hunting haggii anyway, the Picts started to eat
them. To their great surprise, they discovered that haggises were delicious

and named the animals main breeding area naidheachd bhreugach (place
of plenty). Thus it was that the haggis became the staple food of
Scotland.
But so hunted were the haggii that it was nearly 100 years before they
were seen in any great numbers again.

Arcane terms of the haggis hunt

Haggis terminology
If you are baffled by the language of the haggis hunters, do not be
ashamed. Many have been left floundering by the arcane idiolect of this
ancient pursuit.
Indeed, the great language expert Dr Johnston found himself at a loss
when he and the redoubtable Boswell encountered a group of haggisers
during their famous tour of the Highlands. The great father of
lexicography is reputed to have told his amiable traveling companion: Of
their speech I understood one word in twenty, and that was most coarse
and seemed to refer to my mother.
But fear not, haggishunt have come to your aid with our handy print out
and keep guide to haggis jargon.
Drumnadrochit:The onomatopoeic expression for a clean strike on a
haggis with a meuran. The drumna refers to the rumbling approach of a
haggis hunter. The droch imitates the swish of the weapon. The hit bit
is self-explanatory. A settlement was named in honour of this noise after a
particularly successful hunt.
Erse: The ancient pursuit of Haggis Hunting has encompassed all the
many cultures and languages that have touched Scotland. However, Gaelic
has remained at the heart of the sport, with many of the technical terms
coming from the language spoken in the Garden of Eden. When Haggis
Hunting was revived in the 19th century, haggisers took great pride in
mastering this language, which they referred to using the Lowland term
for Gaelic, Erse. Nowadays, if a haggiser is suspected of having only a
superficial knowledge of his craft he is said not to know his Erse from his
elbow.
Fobhrste: The technical term for a haggis den. In a bizarre linguistic
twist, a very similar word appears in some mythical Norse poems. A direct
connection between the two seems unlikely as the Nordic term means
deep, dangerous, delving labyrinth filled with death, while a fobhrste is
a lightly pungent depression under a clump of heather.
Fou: Completely and utterly prepared to hunt the haggis. In order to
mask their scent, the haggis hunters douse themselves in whisky. They
also walk with a weaving gait so that they are able to stalk more
effectively (see Haggis Hunting Techniques). Once they have finished

these preparations they are declared to be fou.

Havering: This is the correct technical term for haggis stalking. It is a
peculiarity of the haggis that it cannot see something that is not moving in
a straight line.
Hud yer wheesht: The haggis hunters sturdy plaid cloak is known as a
wheesht because of the swishing sound it makes when worn loose.
However, as the hunter stalks nearer to the prey he gathers the cloth
about him to deaden the noise of his approach. He tells his companions to
do the same by saying Hud yer wheesht (hold your cloak). This
expression has entered colloquial conversation as a means of requesting
silence and its origins have largely been forgotten in the general populace.
Meuran: This is the standard tool of the haggis hunter. It looks like a
cross between a mashie-niblick and a sack of oats, which is in fact exactly
what it is. Designed to deliver a stunning blow across a wide area, this
weapon is fearsome in the hands of a master, and lethal in the clutches of
a novice.
Nyaff: An inadvertent noise often made by someone who has caught a
sore one after standing too to a novice haggis hunter as he practices his
meuran swing.
Haggis Myths
It is in the nature of the haggis that it should be a creature shrouded in mystery. Over the years many
misconceptions have developed about these reclusive creatures. Here we are happy to debunk the most
common myths and set the record straight.
A haggis is just a sheeps stomach stuffed with meat and oatmeal.
The most common mistaken belief about the haggis is that it is some kind of pudding made from sheep
innards. This somewhat macabre belief dates back many centuries. Its origins lie in a Pictish fertility
ceremony which featured a parade of creatures known to produce large numbers of offspring. The
haggis was one such animal. However, as hunting techniques were not as sophisticated as they were
then and - for reasons explained in The Haggis in Scotlands History - haggis numbers were low, the
Pictish priests often had to make do with a model for these ceremonies. Said model haggis was made
from an inflated sheep bladder, hence the myth.
They have one leg shorter than another.
This misconception originated with a respected English commentator. However, the haggiss legs are
all the same size. Any apparent difference in length could be due to the haggiss habit of standing in a
bog to confuse predators. Quite why this would confuse a predator is unclear as the haggis would be
unable to run away, being as it is stuck in a bog.
Its hurdies are like a distant hill.
A haggis is rarely larger than a foot long. It has a gentle rounded shape and a soft consistency. How it is
like a geological feature quite escapes us. Suilven is a distant hill. It is 2,399 feet high and made from
unforgiving glacier-scarred rock. Pretty unhaggislike, you would agree. We suspect that this one is
down to poetic licence.

Haggii live with the monster in Loch Ness.

This is nonsense. Haggises are not aquatic. They are also extremely wary
of any creature larger than them and would not consort with a large

carnivore, even one supposed to be mythical. There is also nothing to

suggest that there is any truth behind the rumour that swimming with
haggises strapped to your feet will prevent monster attacks. There have
been no recorded attacks on anyone by the Loch Ness monster, haggis
attachments notwithstanding.