Some Soviet jokes

- A conversation in the camps:

How many years did they give you?
Twenty years. How about you?
Also twenty.
What are you in for?
Nothing.
Liar! For nothing they give ten.
- What is socialist realism? - It is glorification of Soviet leaders in language they can
understand.
- What is a telegraph pole? - A well-edited pine tree.
- What is the difference between realists, surrealists and socialist realists? - A realist writes
about what he sees, a surrealist about what he feels, and a socialist-realist about what he
hears.
- Six commandments were proposed for all Soviet citizens:
(1) Dont think.
(2) If you think, dont speak.
(3) If you speak, dont write.
(4) If you write, dont publish.
(5) If you publish, dont sign.
(6) If you sign, renounce.
- Who discovered the electric razor? It was discovered by Ivan Petrovich Sidorov in the
trash behind the American Embassy.
- There were two portraits on the museum wall, one of Academic Ivanov who invented the
locomotive, the steamship, and the airplane, and the other of Academic Petrov, who invented
Academic Ivanov.
- The day after Stalin died, devils start knocking at the Pearly Gates.
Where do you think youre going? St. Peter challenges them.
Stalin arrived yesterday. Were the first refugees.
- A young man was sent to the camps before the war. Twenty years later his mother received a
telegram from him and met him at the railroad station. As soon as he stepped from the
overcrowded train, she rushed into his arms.
How did you recognize me after all this time, mama?
By your coat, darling.
- Immediately before his denunciation of Stalins excesses at the XX Party Congress
Khrushchev left the stage for a few minutes. Someone asked him after the speech where he
had been.
I stopped in at the mausoleum for a minute to take Stalins pulse just in case.
- We are free, says the American. I can walk right up to the White House and yell, Down
with Eisenhower.
Big deal, retorts the Russian. I too can walk out on Red Square and yell, Down with Eisenhower.

Our Constitution guarantees freedom of speech, intones the lecturer.

How about freedom after the speech? asks a listener.
When did the first Soviet election take place? - When God stood Eve before Adam and
said, Choose your wife.
Mao Zedong sends Khrushchev a telegram: China starving period send food,
Khrushchev replies: Short supplies here period cannot send period tighten belts.
Mao wires back: Send belts immediately.
What signs will there be in the stores in communism when they are out of things like butter?
- Today there is no demand for butter.
Why have there been shortages of meat? - We are going toward communism so fast, the
cattle cant keep up.
Who is the most resourceful magician in the world? - Khrushchev. He planted in
Kazakhstan and harvested in Canada.
What is most constant in the USSR? - Temporary difficulties.

Did you hear the news? They killed the President in America. - Damn! Theyre ahead of us
at that too?
What is the difference between God and Brezhnev? - AR: God is limitlessly merciful.
Brezhnev is mercilessly limited.
There is a knock at Brezhnevs door. He grabs a slip of paper, finds the passage he needs,
walks to the door, and reads: Whos there?
Who are the Russians to the Czechsfriends or brothers? - Brothers, of course. One gets
to choose ones friends.
Why doesnt the Soviet Union send people to the Moon? - They are afraid they wont come
back.
Brezhnev is walking with his grandson. Grandad, when I grow up, will I be general
secretary? What are you saying, boy, how could there be two general secretaries?
Brezhnev meets Andropov in the nether world. Well, what say we get a bottle. Hang on, lets wait for a third.
Chernenko, breathing heavily, reads a report. After the meeting he berates his aide, I told you
to prepare a twenty-minute report, and you hand me this thing that goes on for an hour. You werent supposed to read all three copies.
Who supports Gorbachev in the Politburo? - No one. He can walk by himself.
There is a long line at the liquor store. One man grumbles and grumbles and finally says, Im
going over to the Central Committee and punch that Gorbachev right in the face.
He leaves. A while later he returns. Everyone gathers round him and asks him, did he punch
Gorbachev? Nah, the line there was even longer.