The STORM before the CALM...

Prologue
Gday...thanks for dropping in. I wont ask how youre feeling as Ill have a pretty good
notion of the dreadful state of feeling that youre in right at this time.
What Im about to tell you will undoubtedly leave my findings open to conjecture, but
thats OK with me as Im no clinical psychologist. What I am however, is a bloke that has
discovered some home truths through analysing my own depressive condition daily over
12 months (this last episode) and casting back into my past depressive experiences as
well. In many respects I have become the master of my own domain allowing me to draw
upon my discoveries with a fairly wide brush to provide a broad overview of what I
believe could be the basis for a range of mental displacements and how to better equip
yourself to handle it...shit that was a mouthful!...so in short, an expert of sorts.
Ill get my knockers and other firey retorts and opinions no doubts and thats what you get
for opening your big mouth and spilling your guts like this and then making proclamations
like, I have the answers...I dont actually say that for you...but I do say it for me. So
the following outline is to help you find your answers...its for those who ask the HOWS
and WHYS of their current or past dispositions, its for those who want to understand
their experience and to be at ease with it all...this is for you!
I am (now) a middle aged Australian man and I have been through depression 3 times in
my life to date and I have made it my mission to try to understand my affliction or injury
(as I call it) on this last episode and why I succumbed to the trap I had ultimately set
myself when I thought my life was in control and for the most part...very ordinary.
I am not going to go into the science side of things as such, as I have read all the write ups,
books and opinions on the Amygdala, fight or flight states and the role of the
Hippocampus etc., etc., etc., As interesting and relative as all that may seem...this is not
my speciality so I will concentrate on trying to make sense of what youre experiencing in
layman terms through what Ive discovered of myself and how the possible lead ups to
this problem you are experiencing may be viewed in my half baked way of writing stuff.
I am not going to have this outline proof read or critiqued as it will take away from the
moment from my style of delivery and emotion I attach to it and I decided this

because...well...depression is about emotions, moments and coping (or not coping) with it
all and that provides a bit more of a connection to this outline I reckon.
Im an Aussie boy through and through, so I will swear a lot and have strong opinions
about shit that bothers me and what I went through, so I make no apologies...that is who I
am!
As I said, I certainly dont have all the answers, but I do know a little something about
depression and how to make some sense of it (in my case at least) and I believe that if you
can relate to what I am sharing...it may just assist you too. If I get to help just one person
then Ill have achieved something far greater than achieving nothing at all going through
this thing that seems to have no mercy.
If you would like to read on, please do and If you dont wish to go any further thats OK
too...there are numerous organisations to assist you like Lifeline, Man Therapy and the
like on the internet and by phone and your Doctor or, a Doctor should also be a starting
point...do not hesitate and do not dwell on whether you should or shouldnt...just fucking
do it and get your injury sorted...youll wish you had done it sooner! So, if you have a
hankering to know more about my journey please read on if and when youre
comfortable...no pressure from me at all!

OK...heres a little more of what I was going through...

...so many times I started this actual account (this book) of my depression and so many
times I was unable to make it to the finish line. This pattern made me realise that this is
exactly what I experienced in my life be it business or pleasure and my depressive journey
was in fact no different. So many times I would make big leaps forward in my recovery
and then I would stop trying thinking that I had succeeded or at the very least that the
recovery process would take care of itself and tomorrow I would be cured! It was (in many
ways) a test!...I kept testing myself, I kept stopping to see how I was feeling only to
awaken the beast and to begin the processes again by reminding myself of it.
You see I have suddenly realised that its about who YOU are and not so much about
WHAT youve experienced...its about your personality, your habits, your imagination and
your beliefs...in short, its who I am as an individual that dictates how, why, when and for
how long I endure my everything in life albeit through matters completely out of my
control...and depression (as in my case) is most definitely of my own making...you cant
catch it, it cannot be spread by blood or transmitted through the air, it is not a tactile
injury and it is not an injury with a general specific timeline recovery...it is akin to being
incarcerated for an undefined duration...but YOU are the maker of that prison cell...and
you hold the keys!...so how long do you want to stay a prisoner?...well thats the bit that
youll need to work out and there are a few ways to get out...believe me!

I have started so many things in my life so well, only to let them go and lose interest with
them; to only then wish (later) that I had finished or reached a better point of completion,
be it music, Tai Chi, Karate and numerous other undetakings. The connection with this
side of who I am as a person and how I feel about myself gave me a very plausible insight
as to who/what I am as an individual...it helped me to understand myself at a level I
would never have thought about before that I am a self defeatist in many respects...do I
fear success?...no!...I long for it. I admire so many of the worlds top achievers at so many
of their chosen vocations but I fail to be able to keep interested/focused in anything I do
for long enough to become really great at it. In fact, writing this now enables me to see
that if I dont get that instant result factor I drop off it very quickly; put simply...Its who
I am. I get bored with stuff easily, but I can change that...if I really want to!

IT SEEMS LIKE THE LIFE YOU HAD HAS ENDED, LIKE THIS
THING HAS TAKEN OVER AND YOURE POWERLESS TO STOP
IT, YOU CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, IT FEELS LIKE IT
WILL NEVER END...BUT IT WILL...

...IT

ALWAYS DOES!
By Storm, 2013.

First Storm:

1983, recovery 1986.

Second Storm:

1995, recovery around 1997.

Third Storm:

March 2013, recovery around March 2014.

...Easter Thursday 2013.

God I feel like crap this morning (again)...woke with what felt like, I had swallowed a
whole watermelon stuck in my guts and drunk a bottle of rum...hadnt touched either, but
there was a knot in my stomach that felt like a blockage.
Had a ghastly dream last night too, about Dad and Mum (Mum now passed) and that he
had taken up with a new flame and I had a crack at him about it and he punched me in the
face!!!...bloody terrible it was! Yes its only a dream...but something about it really stuck
with me all day, silly really...a dumb dream with no basis on reality, but it was a dream
filled with anger and rage nonetheless; dont recall any other dream remotely like it ever!
Just couldnt shake this ill feeling inside and it has slowly progressed over months and
months just not feeling right all over in fact. Decided I would give myself some Reiki after
arriving at Loch Sport for a well earned Easter break and after unloading all that shit from
the van!!!!!...my thoughts were winding me up...shes always gotta bring so much crap
with her.
Laid down and started my self treatment...its been a while since I did this properly (fully)
and I suddenly realised I had neglected my Reiki self treatments somewhat over the past
couple of years too...
...I was about 5 minutes in, when suddenly...a voice directly into my right ear, just louder
than a whisper said, Youll be alright Anton...I lifted my hands from their Reiki position
over my face and opened my eyes and expected to see Cathy there all concerned...to my
surprise there was nobody!...NOBODY there!!
I was completely bamboozled as this was not an internal voice or an imagining...this was
as clear a voice as you will get right next to your ear! This was a message of great
importance but not desperate or fearful, it was youthful sounding and ultra clear and it
was certain in its delivery...this female voice was sure I would be OK...OK about what I
thought??
Truthfully, I was a bit awe struck to say the least, but it was made with intent in a manner
I hadnt heard aurally in consciousness before...so calm and so sure! It came to me from
someone who cares about my welfare...that was obvious! Let me tell you here and now
that this was a voice...an external voice and it knew what I was about to go through...I kid
you not!

Lets continue...

Feel like shit most mornings these days I must say...cant put my finger on it, getting older,
not eating right, unfit, uncomfortable with people, easily pissed off with things...waking
up every morning feeling un-rested, headaches, stiff neck...maybe a new pillow is what I
need, yeah...Ill try that next.

What I was about to go through was my 3rd episode of depression, yep...3rd!!...it was as
much an unwanted surprise as you could imagine...never thought I would go through this
again...EVER!

Blue dog days, black dog nights...

The following is a personal account of my experience dealing with depression and anxiety at
different times in my life, how I felt, how I measured it and how I tried to understand it and
of course tried to overcome it. It is not intended to be a magic cure all outline for all
sufferers but it may just touch a nerve and help. Depression and Anxiety disorders are a
personal experience and the depth and longevity of these are strictly an individual term...I
use the word term as this is what I experienced, it feels like a jail sentence, youre trapped
behind mental bars akin to those of metal bars and this is very hard to convey to people
who have not experienced this condition.

Recovery will depend on your personality, your imagination; your support factor(s), your
habits and what you believe!!...now read this last highlighted sentence again, very slowly as
these will be some of your tools to understanding why you are at this point in your life.

What I am trying to do (firstly) is let you (the sufferer) know that if you WANT this condition
to go away...IT WILL! Just the fact that youre not comfortable with this alien way of feeling
shows that it does not suit you. I know it feels like your whole life has changed forever and
as silly as this sounds now; I truly hope that you will see this for what it is...

...a change for the better!

I believe that most cases of (a normally functioning persons) current state of depression
should be identified as an injury and not so much as an illness and heres why...giving it

the title of mental illness (in my opinion) only makes you feel even more scared of this
thing and somehow weaker and more isolated as an individual.
Heres an example;
If you break your leg do you call the result, a limb illness??...of course not, it is an injury,
you have done something or have been involved in something that has caused trauma; pure
and simple and further...the term injury has a direct correlation to...recovery!!.. so your
mind is given a leg up in imagining this injury will heal!
Mental illness takes the mind to visions of institutions where one flew over the cuckoos
nest etc.
Illness presents as being a weakness it implies you are of a lesser human being than the
person next to you and in a society that judges heavily on the not so obvious...we have
had a hard time bringing this affliction to the fore...out into the open! It is an unseen and
unbelieved or perhaps better put...an unidentifiable type of injury and in most cases you
could be standing next to a person who is contemplating suicide and youd never know it.
So knowing someone has this injury is almost impossible as there is no visual and tactile
evidence to the average onlooker who then makes the assumption that you are sick or weak
in the mind in some way...or you may believe that is what they are thinking.
The truth as I have recently discovered is that there is a large portion of society on meds for
anxiety and depressive concerns...a very large percentage!
Life is tough, with all the money, relationships and career pressures that go with the daily
grind. But keep in mind that the person next to you may have it even tougher, so the extent
of your disposition is only measured by the depth of your imagination and belief.
This guide is for the person who has run their lives to date in a mainstream or normal type
of manner and has lost the plot, as I had (again). I will say that I tend to use humour,
sarcasm and expletives as that is who I am and I make no apologies for it. My belief is that
this written testimonial should be as raw as the experiences I went through, so that you can
relate to the raw emotion of the whole thing as logic seems to take the back seat when this
thing takes the wheel. So, laugh, cry and get angry...generally do whatever you feel is
necessary...its all for your own good.

Clarity vs Certainty

I was a bloke who was always very sure of himself (or so I thought) I could handle myself OK
in just about any situation and with any sort of people (still can). But the thing that has
changed in me the most, is that I am no longer exercising my certainty card on all matters of
life and beyond. I now take a position on seeing all matters with clarity rather than with
certainty and let me tell you...Im very clear on what I have been through...I see my events
clearly as an injury more so than an illness as I have stated previously as the depressive
injury was a direct result of my not coming to terms with other peoples individualities
concerning my life designs and ideals, my own excessive business workloads (mental &
physical) and your everyday money and relationship concerns in general...its a brief and
condensed description of the 2nd Storm but accurate nonetheless.

Clarity - is a very important tool to be embraced on your road to recovery. Clarity provides
you freedom from the pitfalls of certainty (or belief) and this then allows you to have
options. Belief happens at many levels, but believing that an apple is an orange, when it is
truly an apple is at odds with common sense, unbiased intelligence (your higher self) and I
dont see that taking this position is any good for your own integrity and mental health in
the long run.

Habits - die hard for us human beings and boy do I know this first fucking hand. Habits are
an outlet that we program into our psyche; they provide some form of relief when (in most
cases) we are even unaware they are habits! Some are completely non-threatening, some
would be sinister and some would be self destructive. Then there is the other side of the
coin, there are habits that are constructive provide harmony, peace and health...so why do I
make a point of this? Because right now you need to recognise what sort of habits you
have???
Look up the definition and then identify them...EVERY SINGLE ONE! The habits that you may
have right now, the ones you know right at this moment that are not really desirable
habits...are the ones you must acknowledge and change as they are your blockage, your
punisher, your prison warden...albeit a mental one, they are your wall and removing these
will go a long way in assisting your recovery.

E.G. smoking is considered a bad habit, bad for your health, your familys health and your
wallets health. So why do you like it...honestly? Do not say I enjoy smoking, how can anyone
say that putting a gaseous substance into your lungs is enjoyable? Maybe the after effect is
enjoyable or the fact that when you are nervous or angry it is used as a time out or
embraced as a relief, but the truth is the action itself isnt all that pleasant. You see the fact
is you dont need to smoke to survive, it is a surrogate of a more rational and logical action.
What this action is providing...is a relationship with the habit of smoking; it provides a
connection with an event or group of events that link to a trigger. It is then the depth of
this habit emotionally that dictates how often or how much the habit is used or abused. So
anger, frustration, confusion, loneliness and any other negative emotion would increase the
risk of these habits being abused and then relied upon to help relieve the situation...
...or do they?
Again, recognise the habits that you instinctively know or have inkling about, that are not
good for you and plan to change them into something that is good for you...
remember...CLARITY = OPTIONS.
Look at the war on drugs is it really the drugs that are the problem or the people taking
them? Honestly, its people that are the problem!! If it werent drugs it would be something
else. Ive known alcoholics and drug addicts that have turned their lives around and then
found Jesus, only to then completely throw themselves into religion (certainly less harmful)
same as they did with drugs...you see my point is, its the personality thats the problem not
the external source! Drugs save lives too, so think deeply about whom you are at this time
in your life and what you really want to be and what you rely upon to get you through the
day or night?

It is the human failing to be a little lost, to have some naughty little habit that doesnt hurt
anyone, to have a secret that offends nobody, to know something about yourself that
nobody else does...this is what being human in this life form is about. We are essentially an
infinite spirit locked into a finite container with its own operating system. Our higher self
has all the answers but the game show must be played out by the contestant...you!...your
conscious, fallible, learning self must play the game, or what good is the game...what good is
the show if the results are already known??...hence the mystery to all of lifes journeys!
LIFE is a learning event, no matter what the lesson, the pain, the love, the frequency, the
interpretation or the measure; you are here for a reason...lest it makes no sense.
If, we could know everything for sure then what purpose would there be to our physical
life cycle? We could just be eternal thought manifest and nothing more! But there is more!
there is a purpose to life, look around you and see all that is providing a home to trillions of

individual souls; human and non-human It is truly a grand design that is constantly
evolving with clarity not certainty otherwise whats the point?? A ball of rock and water
floating around in space...no strings, no support...its just there!! We are all part of this truly
amazing, magnificent reality...fragile as it is safe...so revel in its finite beauty.
But I digress, as professor nitwit often does...
Again an illness is something most of us associate with being in a state of sickness and if
you have been tested for every disease on the planet and they all come up negative (as
mine did) then you are hardly sick?
So why are you like this???
Well...this is the question that will nag you rotten and make you lose sleep, sweat, shake
and have panic attacks etc. The answer lies within you, somewhere inside you, you have
overloaded your computer (mind) and it has crashed...but the best part is it can be reset!
Just like a broken leg...But like all injuries (how quickly) will depend on how you start to
manage your injury and how disciplined you become with your new thinking practice. It will
almost certainly come down to what you believe and how you feel concerning what you
believe and how you start to manifest resolution concerning both these fundamentals
around your injury.
I am sort of cutting some corners at this time, but I am excited at the prospect of trying to
help you resonate with my experience of depression. I have been through it 3 times now, so
I could classify myself as a bit of an expert at the whole game and if you find any similarities
in regard your disposition; then read on and make good...I am with you now and we (you
and me) will help you to see you have not been given a life sentence.
This last episode made me realise that perhaps I did not understand myself as I should. So
on my third episode I was determined to note everything (or as much as I could) on a daily
basis and make a big effort in understanding the thing that seems to take over your life for a
while.
Again, here is my account from the tail end of my last journey as it came to me...

March 2014
Before I start, my name is not Storm...but it is a middle name my
Mum wanted to give me at birth...perhaps she knew more about me
than even she consciously realised?

I know that some of you suffering the injury of depression and the
like may find some of this content confronting as certain situations,
suggestions, environments and information can make sufferers sort
of freak out over what normal functioning persons wouldnt
normally give a second thought at best. I know this, as it happened
to me on many bloody occasions. If this happens to you, please stop
and continue it later, do not dwell on why, just simply say to yourself
Ill read some more a bit later, when I feel like it.
Reading never hurt anyone neither did thinking its only action that
dictates outcome...remember that! Actions get results...thinking
gives Options and thats it...dont over complicate the shit any more
than that! Keep stuff simple and brief, especially at this time.
I will touch on moments and feelings I experienced with comedy as
much as with disdain and I swear like a trooper....because I can and
thats who I am and that is who I embrace...ME!
It is absolutely essential to keep a sense of humour (as long as you
have one of course) even when it feels like the ship is sinking...
...because something always floats to the surface. Comedy, humour
and laughter are great weapons against depression (even if it dont
feel like it at the time) as they show you that you are still in control
over certain functions...when you want to be! Which means that you
are ultimately responsible for how you are feeling right now so
please continue if you have got this far.

*added note:
indicators before my crash were - waking headaches, terrible
indigestion from nearly everything I ate, stiff neck (couldnt find a
pillow comfortable enough and it wasnt the pillow!) waking up
feeling hung over (even when I didnt drink!) binge alcohol sessions
alone, seeing what seemed to be cockroaches running up walls or
rodents running along the floor from my peripheral vision, having
negative or anger based internal arguments/chatter/thoughts (the
later very, very important to note). Lack lustre, lacking exercise but
still functioning and a feeling in the back of my mind telling me things
needed to change. My feelings were not in sync with who I truly am
and I knew that at a deeper level, but refused to acknowledge it
properly...and so this is how you wake up!
Further...
Taking or using alcohol, prescription drugs, illicit drugs and any
addiction to excess can make you feel better on the surface, but these
aids are iceberg supports. The real problem lies below and
eventually you will hit them and sink.
Now if these supports/crutches/distractions/things make you feel
better initially...then arent you better already?? What I mean here is
that what these things do is make you forget about what youre
feeling and/or focusing on beforehand. All your issues seem to be
gone (albeit for a little while) so why cant we do this without losing
control? It comes down to three main things, Belief, Focus and
Feelings or Emotions!
Take a severe alcoholic (I have known a couple in my time) at any
conscious moment theyre putting booze into their system to stop

reality (memory) from causing them disturbance (whatever that may

be). The threat is a perceived one at best; there is nothing in front of
them trying to take their life! So it is memory that serves them, the
unjust outcome and/or unacceptance of their experience which was
originally washed away with booze and now has become their only
way to feel better and they fear if they stop drinking...the threat or
pain will return. I dont want to generalise on the whys and hows of
all alcoholics as it is deeply personal...but the fact remains that any
pain or threat of past circumstances is purely in their heads, if its not
truly physical pain or an imminent life threatening situation that is!

SO WHY DID I SUFFER DEPRESSION 3 TIMES IN MY LIFE ???

OK...so why did I get this thing 3 times to date??

This is the question I was determined to find the answer to on

this most recent occasion. This time, I was not going to go
through this without some clue as to why this bullshit
happens??

MENTAL HEALTH
The first time I went through it (what I later recognised was
depression) I was around 19-20 years old (1981-83), I was married
(very young) had a little baby, started an apprenticeship and was
renting a flat in West Brunswick, Victoria. I was trying to be the head
of the home, support a family and give myself a trade all on a first
year apprenticeship wage. I had this work ethic and family desire
forged by my parents who were very family oriented, insular, but
loving and probably a little over protective...I was trying to be the
people who were my heroes in many respects...I was trying to
emulate a family dynamic that in many cases is a low percentage
possibility, especially when you look at the statistics 1 in 3 marriages
end in divorce and probably another third arent in a happily
functioning relationship and 50% of the last third are probably in a
functioning relationship, but arent really that happy?!?!

So my struggle began at a young age. Stunned at the lack of

unconditional love from my spouse, I tried to show her the light, to
convince her that what I offered was better than what she offered. I
couldnt work it out, I couldnt work her out and so I fell. I didnt
know it at that time, I didnt recognise it as depression in fact I would
never have believed I could be the recipient of depression...I was a
clown and the life of the party type of bloke!...but boy o boy did I
finally know about it at the next major event. I didnt know at that
time, that my restlessness, remoteness and sadness were supporting
my over eating, over drinking and laziness which were underwriting
the depression event I was to endure. Eventually after years of

suffering, I slowly recovered through divorce a new job and a new

focus.
I had no idea about mental health and in fact I dont believe that
description was even on the radar as it is today. Stress, worry and
not being 100% happy with my relationship and not having anywhere
near enough money were the main contributing factors to my first
downfall...or were they? They had certainly been a precursor to my
condition but why is it some people cruise through these situations
and others like me suffer?? It is as complex as chemistry and as
simple as belief, it is as individual an expression as an artists canvas
or a composers song and it can be interpreted by many people so
differently....it can be felt at an emotional level that means
something to you and you alone...and that is the beauty and the
tragedy of the human experience, it is as individual as you are and
you own it. In many respects it is such a wonderful ability to be able
to think, feel and decide on what is important in your life and what is
not; what life truly means to you...

Now where was I?...

..so, I was about 20yrs old not getting much sleep, my wife was not
happy with her new digs and wanted to go back to her fathers home
where (as I was originally told) she was not happy being there in the
first place, confused?..I was!
But in the interest of compromise I agreed it would be better if she
was happier moving back to her original home. Now during this first
event I tried everything to rest at anytime I could, in the bean bag
during the day, in the car on a long (or short) trip, in fact I remember
packing on the weight and not being happy about that either. I just

simply did not FEEL good about myself or my circumstances. You see,
I had been brought up to view the masterpiece of life as one of LOVE,
CARING, SHARING and...ESCAPE if all else failed!
Run away from the problem; it worked for my Mum and Dad and I
didnt give it much thought as a child as I was under their care and it
always seemed to provide a positive outcome, we always seemed to
be laughing and having a good time as kids. Well the escape bit
worked in my relationship, but it worked for my wife and not so
much for me, the family circle was broken as I was left in Melbourne
on my own, my Mum and Dad were interstate and I was alone. Not
only was I alone but I was unhappy with my relationship as it was not
as I believed it would be, my wife detested her Mother and wasnt
that keen on her Father either and as it progressed - on me either for
that matter!
So the picture that I had painted of a family unit was ultimately
destroyed and I had no idea why?
Probably right about now youre drawing some conclusions on
why I experienced problems outside of my birth parents
cocoon that I had been wrapped in and you may well be
correct in your assumptions, in fact I hope you are absolutely
correct...why? Because it is always easier to see the errors in
something or someone else, in particular when they are not
yours...Its the old forest for the trees scenario.
You see the above experiences for me as a child were shaped by the
experiences my parents had as children, which were dragged with
them into their adult lives. Ravaged by the war in Europe they were
always trying to escape a bad situation, never allowing anyone or
anything to divide and conquer and never ever feeling hungry,

bullied or trapped again in their lives after escaping Europe to be

free as birds in Australia.
This whole saga could involve its own long story but I will leave it
here and well move on together...

Depression, anxiety, restlessness, sadness, loneliness,

helplessness, emptiness, lost, unhappy, scared, confused,
frustrated, feeling numb, out of control, sweats, shaking, IBS,
light headed, nearly passing out, racing heartbeat, constantly
checking your pulse, panic attacks, hiding from the phone,
hiding from the knock at the door, cant stand in lines or make
a choice without shaking, cant eat, cant sleep, cant get out
of bed and crying at songs on the radio, crying at anything,
cant think straight, cant stop thinking about it or do all the
automatic simple things that use to take no thought at all and
on...and on...it goes.....Aghhhhh fuck this shit!!!!!!!!!!!!
...YEP that was me; Ive been there...SHITSVILLE!

Put simply, it is SHIT, you feel like SHIT! And it seems like no
amount of convincing yourself will change this feeling or make
it go away.

Simply do an internet search or open a thesaurus and you will find a

dozen more identities, definitions and descriptions tied into the alien
state of being that you seem to have become and feel right now; the
unwanted stuff just seems to grow on the list of definitions that you

either ceaselessly search for in your quest for answers or try like hell
to avoid it and hope it goes away?
Sometimes all you want to do is scream out at the top of your lungs
...FAAARK OOFFF.....I dont want you anymore and I dont need
you in my life! Its all you can think about, it never seems to leave
your mind and its at the front of all your thoughts.

The days just dont feel the same anymore and the nights
become a waking marathon.

The thing with this unrelenting beast, is that under normal

circumstances if you have a thought you dont really like, you can
change your mind, your position on it and depending on the level of
importance of that thought your physical self will either respond or
not; it may linger for while or you will simply move past it in an
instant.
Whereas when you experience an emotion when suffering with the
beast; your everything is elevated, you feel unable to control the
smallest of upsets and normal thoughts seem to make you feel
uneasy as well...emotions are very, very powerful drivers of
physicality and this is all tied in with the fight or flight primitive
side of our human historical survival traits...somehow our old
instincts fire up without our approval.

During this last episode I thought I would document all my thoughts

and feelings in note form. I wont elaborated on those notes into this
outline at this time, other than to say that making notes on a daily

basis enables you to relate and reflect on how you coped at the time
and gives you a measure of your progress...and will assist in
reminding you what to look out for should you forget in time!!
These notes will be released in my next book. I know that this
condition can feel like a cruel, cruel master at times and they were
just as I had written them at the time; some are simple, some make
sense and others are raw frustrated emotions that may not make
any sense. The point is to connect with you at some level to help you
recognise you are not alone and that you will be OK at some point.
Never let go of this thought, say it out loud right now! I WILL BE
OK repeat this over and over loud or silently, but say it orally (not in
your mind) let your ears hear it. Say it several times or a hundred
times whatever feels right and know it will be true. It doesnt matter
if you dont believe right away, just say it clearly and let your subconscious hear you saying it, say it every day and fuck your doubtful
conscious side...just keep saying it!!
It will connect with you at a deeper level and like all wounds time is
the greatest healer.
Its important that when youre sad...you still laugh, you can have
negative thoughts and still say youre going to be OK as well..cant
you?...well of course you can!...your thoughts cannot physically force
your actions, you (your conscious physical self) must carry out your
actions, your thoughts are only options...so do not fear your
thoughts, simply acknowledge them right now and decide that you
have them purely as options and decide here and now that you want
to become better than before! Before this thing had entered your
life and that you want to improve yourself and become the best you
can at whatever you choose to do; even if its nothing...be really
good at it.

OK...
...lets jump into the deep end together and Ill share with you my
experience on how I stayed afloat and survived the Storm without
drowning.
I have underlined several words throughout this documentary as
they are important for you to connect with, to help you understand
the subtle mechanics of this condition. I will say right at this point
(again) that I may make light of some of the feelings and situations I
experienced, I say again...a sense of humour is an extremely
important tool in not letting the animal take over; if you laugh
everyday at it, you will be reducing its power and influence.

HERE WE GO...

On my second episode of depression (1995-97 - my worst) I had a

waking period of at least 14 nights plus in a row which produced a
type of nervous seizure throughout parts of my body. My nerves
were shot and I would have sensations like electric shock in different
parts of my body. I was completely dysfunctional and was repeating
words endlessly over and over in my head and silently from my
mouth. I would have my dad drive me around in his car just to try
and get some sleep with the rhythm of the ride and that had only
minimal success. I was once so blitzed out in my head that I simply
walked out of a super market without paying for my goods and to be
truthful I simply forgot that I had them in my hands and thats just an
event I remember!! There were times I did stuff I was told about
years later that I had no recollection of doing, at all!

At the time I thought I had some form of cancer as I would wake up

at about 2am or 3am after drinking alcohol with a stomach ache I
could not get rid of; I just couldnt work out what was going on. I had
endless medical tests (blood, faeces, urine) endoscopy, ultrasounds
but all results came back as negative; so I tried every meditation
technique known to the human race, natural therapies, chiropractic
treatment, NLP, etc, etc. Nothing seemed to stop this THING dead in
its tracks!! What I didnt realise was, that everything was helping me
in a way and a timeframe that I couldnt comprehend immediately
but was connecting with at a much deeper level than I could register
consciously at the time; frustration only seemed to compound the
problem on the surface though.
Patience is king here and must be embraced it is so important
to allow yourself to acknowledge, validate and forgive.
My breakthrough started when I went to see my 5th, 6th or was it 7th
different GP (there were a lot) for an answer to my problems; he was
an older man and he did what the other GPs did not do...he sat in his
chair and asked me questions about my life and then he quietly
listened to me for about 10 minutes and then concluded...you have
run your batteries down, you are emotionally drained and it sounds
like you are suffering a nervous/emotional breakdown?!?! And this
has changed the chemical balance in your brain!! or something
very close to that diagnosis.
In short you have DEPRESSION...WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?????
are you kidding me??....Depression?????????? isnt thats for weak
minded people (thats what I honestly thought)?
Why did I, how did I??...And then he said, I will prescribe you this
medication and suggest you seek out a psychiatrist (mental health
professional wasnt on the radar from memory) and take a holiday.

I got the distinct impression that he was speaking from experience as

he became somewhat sympathetic to my disposition, which I was
extremely grateful for, but I had questions...about a 1000 of them!!
My questions were flying thick and fast toward this man and the
response was always the same; you have overloaded yourself, you
have run down your batteries and you need to reduce stress...so take
a holiday or sell your business or both!
MY GOD...sell my fucking business??...take a holiday???
depression????
Was this finally the answer?...it seemed a little too easy an answer
for me to accept straight up to such a complex problem, so I thought.
Such a simple diagnosis without something being jabbed scanned or
inserted up my arse or down my throat, was this it...depression?
Fuck me was I going insane...would I be institutionalised and locked
up in a straight jacket???...Of course none of these were ever going
to happen, its just that your conscious mind is over processing
everything combined with an exaggerated emotional overload, so all
of a sudden you go into hyper overload on the possibilities scale!
I made a direct B-line for the chemist and got the meds, I read the
packet blurb, over and over, took one tablet, freaked out and threw
the rest away.
I decided to deal with this problem a la natural because I thought
that I would start to walk around like those dudes in one flew over
the cuckoos nest if I took mind altering drugs!...mind you, never
stopped at parties in my youth.
This was probably not the best idea looking back now as my mind
was already altered without the drugs and I do believe there have
been such improvements with therapies and meds nowadays that

you should seriously consider them to assist you. I have known of a

few people that have done the same thing as I did, because you see
the thing that scares us most is...well...everything!!
When you go through this change suddenly you become a self
diagnostic practitioner, hypochondriac and procrastinator and now
you need to take this mind altering drug without anyone really
explaining what it is going to do to your mind, so you look up the
contraindications on the internet (didnt have the internet back then,
but the packet blurb inside is enough to start you visualising that
soon youll be a full blown addict or have life threatening side effects
all in your mind of course) and you see all the opinions and
information you start to cram into your skull and it just simply starts
freaking you out; it would be so much more effective if some health
professional could just simply and fully explain to you what the fuck
this stuff is going to do and how its going to help...TO SIMPLY PUT
YOUR MIND AT EASE and stop you from becoming an in house
chemist, sceptic and conspiratorialist - if thats not a word, it is now!
Right at this time I felt really lost, I was completely at a loss of
knowing how to handle this and why it had happened. I was
distraught and pleaded with my partner to find a shrink to help me
out of this desperation thing I was suffering; it was my last attempt
to find an answer and make some sense out of this condition I was
suffering.

At this point (looking back) I believe that we try to make sense

out of a condition that (if you have never experienced it
before) can prove to be more a catalyst in exacerbating your
state. Few (professionals) cant or wont explain to you in any
sort of detail what is happening to you. This seems to

compound the situation you are experiencing, increasing the

emotionally bad reactions which have already taken control
of your life, or so it seems at the time.
Anyhow, getting back to the bit after I saw that GP, I must have raced
home and shit poured out of my mouth and tears flowed (again) and
I pleaded with my partner to get me some help. My partner must
have rung at least 10 numbers immediately and all were booked up
for at least a week or more and finally she located a gentleman who
seemed quite concerned at her desperation in trying to help me and
he agreed to see me next day (needless to say I didnt sleep that
night so whats new huh?).

What this man achieved in his 1hr 45min session (which he only
charged me for 1hr) was nothing short of remarkable. He was a kind
and controlled individual that I just gravitated toward. He (and I
remember very specific things only) put on some classical music and
he said, do you know who this is?? No, I replied, it is Vivaldi he said,
do you mind if I play it in the background while we chat?...Ah no, go
right ahead I replied thinking what has this stuff got to do with
me??...and so my very first meeting with a professional shrink
proceeded...

In brief, he had managed to reach my sub conscious in a manner I did

not know existed and open a flood gate of emotions in me that came
pouring out in the car ride home (after my session) crying
inconsolably all the way home while trying to explain my experience,
blah, blah, waaaah, blah!!!...was all I could do while trying to talk

(sounds quite funny now...thinking back and I can quietly chuckle

about it now to myself) but I was a serious mess back then, I was
completely spent, I was exasperated and at the end of my tether. I
did find some relief afterward though...but I still didnt feel back to
normal...I could hardly wait for my next session in 7 days time!

If you find yourself suddenly wanting to talk out your

experience or feelings then you should do this as soon as
possible. It can be a real strain on your partner and family
members so be aware that they may get frustrated with this
event as it is extremely difficult for others to relate to your
personality change when confronted by it, particularly on a
daily basis and particularly if they are at some level connected
to issues. There are now groups, chat rooms and phone
support in most populated areas that offer support and
guidance to assist you. Dont be too proud or scared to take
help, it will accelerate recovery...youre doing it now in fact!
Talking, writing down my feelings/thoughts and physical
exercise seemed to help me a lot, as well as reading
inspirational self help publications etc...just do whatever you
feel is positive or helpful even though you may not feel the
immediate benefit, it will permeate into your psyche and
assist you in moving forward even if its only by a fraction...its
still forward!
DONT GIVE IN!

I must point out that this event was totally out of my understanding
at this time, I was hiding under the stairs when the phone would ring
as I was running my own business and I do not have any recollection
of doing this or many other little things that were not at all a normal
behaviour of mine, I was told this many years later by my Dad.
My second appointment came and I was once again dealt with in a
manner which fascinated me. My psychiatrist would answer all my
questions with either a straight yes or no or with a question in reply,
he would then get me to close my eyes and suggest certain things; I
wish I could recall it all, but I cant. What I do remember however
and very vividly were a few select moments and questions he did ask
the ones that connect and stay with you forever.
He once asked me what is more powerful, willpower or imagination?
Without thinking I replied immediately...willpower of course! He then
asked me if I could pick up a bus with one finger using willpower??
You get where Im going here...what he made me realise was, my
imagination was running the show and my willpower was trying to
take back control and it was exhausted and losing ground
dramatically!!
He then asked me again to close my eyes and visualise myself as 2
people one as willpower and the other as imagination, one in each
hand. He then asked what each one wanted out of life and low and
behold they both wanted the same thing, I chuckled to myself right
at this point because it seems so weird and somewhat obvious; but
at the time you dont see things as you should, you just dont!
This was a turning point for me personally, it made me realise that
my imagination was a far greater force and so far above the power of
will clever man he was.

Imagination is limitless! and willpower is not and they were fighting

each other with imagination taking the bloody chocolates every time;
the thing is they both work for the same boss me.
I was just letting imagination run the show, as certain pressures and
feelings brought about imagined scenarios that simply werent a
reality at that time!! I unwittingly pump primed my sub-conscious
and ALLOWED it to take over and then I tried to wrestle (or will)
control back and that was not going to happen until resolution
between us was reached...

...mmmhhmm, you betcha, this is where understanding plays a huge

part in recovery! Thats my unqualified, but experienced clarity on
the situation.

This treatment went on for 5 weeks until I said to him at session five,
see you next week, where upon he promptly replied my work is done
and youll be fine our sessions are over. I was gutted, confused and
somewhat concerned that I was not finished with his help, but he
was much more in touch with me than I was with myself, as he
replied to me that I was a smart person who would work it out
myself from here youll be fine were his parting words. He knew
very well, that any more visits may have become an issue with me
relying on him working out my problem for me...I worked that out
later of course!
Again the problem with this mans great work on me was that he was
the equivalent of a formula one mechanic on the human mind; he
identified the problem and set about resolving the issues but he

couldnt tell you how to drive the vehicle to win and not crash again!
and this is what is somehow missing in the chain of mental care,
there is the direct need to provide a recognition service to identify
the triggers and put in place indicator alerts so that you see the
incident well before the crash. Counsellors provide some scope in
this area these days and that is a great support mechanism in trying
to manage this condition. Most people however are looking for the
cure first and tend not to look for the cause, so some dedicated
cause and effect specific counselling should be somehow qualified
into the steps of treatment via GPs as this is your first port of call.
Better management, better caring = better results.

Let me qualify right from the start that I am not a medical

professional of any kind. I am however, a person who has
experienced depression and anxiety at 3 different occasions in
my life and I have made it my quest to understand the
reasons why I was afflicted with this condition. In doing so, I
believe it puts me into the realm of experienced. I am also
at Reiki Master Level and have taken on Tai Chi and many
other meditation techniques as consequence. It is my
greatest wish that some of my experience and wisdom will
resonate with you at a level that enables you to make peace
with yourself and aid in your recovery, it is more than possible
you can do it, please believe me, dont stop trying to
overcome this condition, no matter what!

WELL NOW...as bad as this is going to sound to you right now, I

believe you have exactly what you need at this time, please hear me
out before you think Ive completely lost it, or you freak out. When a

system (of any sort) crashes it is generally due to an overload of

some kind.
And a part of your brain has become overloaded!
The best part is that it can be reset the timing is up to you!
What has happened (perhaps unbeknownst to you at this time) is
that something in the background of your computer (brain) has
caused it to crash (result = depression, anxiety etc.). It has been
overloaded (life events etc.) in some manner which has now
triggered a shut down (loss of normal conscious function) and the
system (thought) is now forcing the computer (brain) to reboot in
safe mode (minimal function) and it must go through a series of
steps to assess what caused the problem and suggest via the screen
(conscious thought) any fix ups in order to avoid it from occurring
again, before the standard operating procedures (normal function)
should be allowed to operate again....ring a bell??
Right here is the bit that I call your greatest decision as I believe
most of us are tarred with the same brush...IMPATIENCE.
Most of us just want the bloody thing to reboot and get on with the
fucking show...if your computer crashes you are forced to wait for it
to re-boot and then you are given the option...press any key to force
re-start; havent we all done it?? Impatience puts us back on the
radar quickly, but it doesnt resolve the issue(s)...I know, as Ive done
it and Im pretty sure Im not alone.
There are some very effective drugs on the market that may assist
you to recover in a timelier manner than if you were to try and battle
it out yourself Im sure. But I really believe that these do not
complete the job in discovering why you crashed to begin with, so it

is really important to understand what re-boot you are going to

choose.

Your decision - FAST or PATIENT recovery?

Why do I make a big deal about this choice, well you need to make a
clear decision as a lot of people will start medication and drop off it,
which may be detrimental and vice versa, you may start the no
drugs road and find it too difficult to stick with...so make a decision
and stay with it for a set period. Most anti-depressants take a few
weeks to kick in, so if you are going to do it, stick with it for at least
the first round of prescription from your doctor. To add to this there
are so many web sites with information bombarding you with what is
good and what is not and this will only confuse you even more. Start
reading positive and motivational stories, be it business, sport,
meditation, self hypnosis or personal life changing accounts these
are better for you than all the opinionated drivel youll be
bombarded with from online forums about medications and your
condition etc.
My advice is, do and take what works to make you FEEL better first;
dont go on what others say via the internet or hearsay as you will
be more confused, more scared and more depressed. Go with the
professionals/alternatives help first and then work out the whys a bit
later. You can and should (in my opinion) find a good therapist to
help you to overcome this point in your life and then move onto
whatever modality or medication that works and makes you feel
comfortable and more confident and start to think with clarity again.
Dont be afraid to ask questions of your health practitioner about
your condition...if they cant, wont or refuse to provide you answers
move on and find one that will!

THE UP SIDE...is just the very fact that you are uncomfortable with
this situation means it does not suit you (remember this point) in fact
its not who you really are or want to be! So why are you this way at
this time...why cant you stop it right now?
Who are you at this moment and where are you at this moment??
Well for arguments sake, lets say you are at crossroads...you are
at an intersection in your life and you have broken down right in the
middle of it with all the rest of the traffic honking and zooming past
you and you just cant get moving, you cant get started
again...youre stuck with traffic coming at you from all directions; its
scary even a little dangerous and all you want to do is close your eyes
and get the hell out of there, youre frustrated to the point of
distraction, youre embarrassed and losing the plot!
Its so annoying and under normal circumstances you would just put
it down to bad luck and bad timing, but the boss (or your business)
has been bothering you, your partner is not as responsive or the kids
have worn you down, you have mounting debt issues, you havent
been feeling as good lately with some colds and flu issues nagging at
you and you have been waking up unrefreshed or sleeping in too
long, or not sleeping and your confidence is shot and you simply
dont feel good...your vehicle has given up and it is the last straw for
you at this moment...you have cracked under seemingly normal
pressure!
Be aware at this point that pressure only builds up when it is
contained! Something inside of you has decided it can take no
more and that something must change!
Heres the thing...

 There is something inside of you that is highly evolved, it

listens very carefully and it takes everything you think and
recite over in your head consciously and then manifests this
into some kind of reality. So your focus is either your winning
edge or your down fall, it is simply up to you which way you
want to think and act. Do you see where Im going here? If
you havent been aware of it your inner chatter has been
priming you to feel the way you do...Seemingly against your
will now!
Some people revel in misery and this may also be a form of
depression, but not the kind I experienced. The difference
being (from the outside) that they actually find misery as a
constant topic or lifestyle they seem to be obsessed by it
(although they wont admit it) and the perpetual state of
negativity is their only focus. They then consume people they
call their friends with endless drivel about the state of their
disposition, but never seem to rectify it, or then blame all
manner of persons or circumstances for their own lack in life;
we all know someone like this Im sure, no matter who they
see or who they talk to they just never get it. The point I make
is that if youre comfortable with how you feel (good or bad)
then it cant really be depression at least not the type I had,
I hated it and wanted it GONE ASAP!
Following on from cracking under pressure outlined above. Think
about this change with curiosity, nobody is holding a gun to your
head; you are not being forced to do something by someone who is
standing in front of you making life threatening ultimatums??
So the threat in fact is a perceived one, it is based in the space of
your mind which you have somewhat unwittingly allowed to become
an external emotion...a happening.

You have LOST CONTROL of your emotional/thinking rationality,

thats right isnt it? You cant seem to control your emotions; you are
in some way stuck in a FEAR spiral. FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, it pervades
your whole being and it is the complete opposite of LOVE. You see
when you LOVE something, it doesnt matter how dangerous,
naughty, unethical, or any other description you can give it...it FEELS
OK and in fact it FEELS great! At the moment you do not LOVE the
way YOU FEEL.
What if we never experienced depression ever? Oh happy days I hear
you say and I would most definitely agree. But stop and imagine that
perhaps not acknowledging a negative situation or event could be
the harbinger of a terminal disease sooner or later in your life. That
the very fact that you have contained that pressure without some
sort of release at times in your life, could manifest as a grave sickness
in some other way?
There are too many variables to say that this hypothesis is anywhere
near a certainty, but it is not impossible either. I believe stress is our
generations biggest underlying cause of most issues that are not
generally linked to a pre-disposition (DNA) scenario type thingy.

OK, so this is where you are right now...Destination Depression and

you have arrived at your platform, not the platform you intended to
get off on, thats for sure, but you are here. Your train has stopped
and youre not sure exactly how you got here, because you werent
taking much notice of all the signs along the way. Your head was
down getting on with all the usual things you do on the journey,
reading the paper or a good book, or closing your eyes feeling the
rhythm of the ride, or just taking in the faces around you...you simply

zone out on the journey because it is automatic, it takes little or no

thought from you about the journey itself.
At this time in your life what you may have been missing in this
journey are the stops before the destination. We all dislike stops of
any kind in almost any journey, because we lose momentum in the
ride and we momentarily no longer feel good about the break in the
rhythm and the comfort it provides. Stops and starts jerk us around
and we are woken from our automatic rhythm; they are somewhat
disruptive and on some days we take notice of them more than on
others.
The stops you experience on your personal journey of life are no
different and what is happening is you actually notice every stop,
every time, but you just simply choose to ignore them at a level that
allows you to focus on something else as more important it is not an
issue in your life - generally!
Yes they are annoying and yes it would be better not to have them,
but in this lifetime if you get on the train to destination mortgage,
family, money, holidays etc, etc; then you face the inevitable stops
on lifes journey that will disrupt the journeys rhythm.
The stops you have along the way are platforms called money,
relationships, work, work colleagues, health, happiness, stress,
landlords, banks, holidays, kids and the stops become more
frequent the more you allow your life to become involved with them.
Now the thing to remember right now is, that you are not the only
person on this journey, the train is full of passengers all going to the
same or a similar stops and destinations. What is somewhat different
are your personalities and your ability to react to events in a positive
or negative way and this is measurable by your conditioning in the

school of life you have attended up until this point. Some of the
passengers couldnt give a fuck about who they sit next to or what
their boss thinks of them or if its their partners birthday in a week
and some obsess about it!
What you need to do is assess your personality type, do you obsess
over small things, do you worry about stuff, are you angry more
often than you should be, do you not love enough or love too much,
do you worry about what people think of you, do you put others
before yourself, etc. etc. just think about who you were, not who you
currently are, but who you were? Before this stop youre at right
now.
Have you ever wondered what makes an elite sportsperson or how
Sir Richard Branson (who is dyslexic) ever became a multi billionaire?
Or Einstein who was considered unteachable at school, became one
of the most respected and revered scientists of all time? Or the fact,
that some people become career criminals.
Well the answer in its simplest form is their response to the world
around them. Excepting anything that is out of our control as adults
we have options and choices, be it simple survival or complex
investments...we all have freedom or freewill to choose!
Whether the task is difficult, complicated or just very simple, it is
how we feel about what we are doing that makes us who we are and
gives us the results we feel or believe we deserve. If we dont get the
result we want, we either try again and again or we give in.
A great example of trying again is from a gentleman named Harland
Sanders, yes thats Colonel Sanders of KFC as it is known today. This
man slept in his car to sell his recipe, service his people and in fact it
took him over 1000 attempts at selling his recipe before someone

decided to assist him and his idea...OVER 1000 attempts!! Most

people would give in after 10. Again it is how you feel about what
you are doing that makes it successful or disastrous in your own
mind.
At a deeper level, we condition ourselves with what I call is our inner
chatter, that is, the voice in our head that is always talking in the
background without our taking much notice of it...most of the time.
Critically important to recognise what or how your inner
chatter operates!
Ill give you an example, have you ever confronted someone you
didnt really like? A boss, a work colleague, the friend of a friend,
family members etc...and when you see them your inner chatter is
saying, I cant stand you, you give me the shits, youre an arsehole
etc, etc; then you are immediately in front of them, saying out loud,
hi how are you?????...funny how that works isnt it? So your inner
chatter is being contradicted by your outer chatter and this can load
up your sub-conscious with conflict as it listens to (and retains)
everything about you...EVERYTHING! The sub-conscious doesnt
know how to take a joke, it absorbs everything just like a computer,
it retains the information, stores it and can recall as necessary.
Your sub-conscious runs your dreams for you; it is not a conscious
process because if it were, we would have more common sense
dreams involving our daytime desires and goals. Yes, some of this
comes into our dream state, but we have no control over the
storyline or outcome; in fact most dreams are weird or somewhat
twisted in storyline and content and when we wake with memory of
them, we are often surprised at the weirdness of the event.

What I have learnt is that you need to take notice of you inner
chatter and if it is negative or unhelpful, then change it and do it
immediately...take notice of it and if its negative make a conscious
choice to change it give yourself 2 or 3 options in your thinking and
change any negative or unwanted chatter into more logical and
reasonable conversation. Any inner chatter that has been negative
has actually been conditioning you for your physical and emotional
reactions and that part of you cant distinguish between what is
imagined and what is a common daily activity. Remember willpower
and imagination above? Imagination can do anything, absolutely
anything, limited only by...imagination of course.
Well now hopefully you are getting some of the connection Im
trying my best to convey here for you to understand about yourself.
The stops on the journey are the life events in your daily grind. Most
days they are there and although we dont like them we continue to
experience them and move on...then suddenly one day, they become
more than we can handle, we break out in a sweat thinking about
the next stop and the next and the next; our blood pressure rises,
our heartbeat increases and our relaxed state becomes alert and we
suddenly wonder what is happening to us??
In fact this build up has been happening for a while the build up has
been playing in the background without our taking too much notice
of it. We all have limits and these limits are generally reached when
what we are doing or experiencing no longer feels good to us. Your
journey has suddenly ended at a destination you are totally at odds
with, the train has stopped and it will not run until you are ready to
get back onboard to continue the journey; be it the same journey or
a new journey, you will need to get out at this stop if you want to
make this decision. The quickest way to get back into your journey is
to decide on which journey you want to take from here. Try not to

think about the stop or why it is happening to you right now, or

worry about the fact that you have stopped.
It has happened and there are reasons and knowing the reasons will
help you understand any future warning signs and this is very
important - knowing why.
But I believe what is more important right at this point, is
acknowledging that you do not feel good about the stop you are at,
once you do this consciously and then decide it is not for you; you
will have automatically started back on your new or continued
journey, even though it may not feel like it, it will have started to
happen...believe it and it will be so, no matter how you feel right
now.
Making the decision in your mind then suggests that it is possible, as
you need to visualise first for your mind to make a decision on it. You
cannot think about something as a nothing, even thinking about
nothing takes some serious concentration...so in fact you are
thinking about something, to be thinking about nothing!!
Eventually and hopefully you will see this event for what it is, a
message and a wakeup call for your life, your health and your
happiness.
When you are truly happy and feel good, then you cannot be
depressed.
One thing is for SURE...you are NOT alone, (although you may feel
totally alone) as the people you are closest to cannot even begin to
imagine how you feel or indeed how this all works, unless they have
been there too and the ones that have, can only relate to it as, oh I
had that once, it was bloody horrible, so the fact being, that they

simply do not want to hear about it, or relive it!...and can you blame
the poor bastards??
So the bottom line is you feel alone, totally alone...but again I assure
you, that you are not!
This condition you have, be it depression, extreme sadness, anxiety
and all the other descriptions & diagnosis does not discriminate; it
affects the wealthy as well as the poor, the academics as well as the
non academics. It has no preference in regard your status or your
achievements...it simply attaches itself to how you FEEL, remember
this...how you FEEL.

Again, I have been lost in the wilderness woods of depression on 3

separate occasions in my life, with my compass spinning wildly out of
control and me walking around in circles. This happened once for
around 2-3 years at age 20, once for about 2 years at age 33 and
again at age 50 but this time for only 10-12 months. All 3 times were
the same but different.
You hate it with a passion; you wish you could kill it off and get it out
of your life RIGHT NOW dont you? You dont want it, you dont need
it, so why does it persist, why does it bother the crap out of you
constantly?...why, why, why???
Its all you can think about and its driving you bonkers, you feel like
someone completely different; like youre going crazy or something.
Of course youre not going crazy, but it sure feels like it, doesnt it?
Even thinking about that scares you!
Well dont despair, I know that this feeling you are going through
feels unnatural, but it is a very natural purging event a course that
has taken you by surprise (sort of) you simply need to let the system

crash and reset...dont panic hear me out and let me explain it like
this...this time Ill start toward the end of this experience you are
having...ready??

Depression...is a sign from God, the Universe, your Higher Self, the
Source or whatever it is you believe in, that is greater than your
consciousness. Im serious, this situation is specifically for you to
experience, you own it and only you know, truly know why it is that
this event happened to you?...DID happen to you! That is how you
will look at this event, eventually.
If you stop for one minute and realise right this second that you have
manifested this outcome to help you deal with a situation or
situations in your life, then you will begin to unlock the door with the
key you hold and forgot you had it on the bunch in your hand.
You see at the moment you are desperately trying to open the door
by turning the knob and shaking the shit out of the bloody door as it
wont open and it used to so easy & your desperate to get through it
& escape.
Next youre trying desperately to unlock a door with any bloody key
you grab first, but the truth is only the right key will do it and then
you need to be at the right door as well! BOTH of these situations &
outcomes are in your control, but first you need to stop trying so
hard, stop rushing, stop panicking, stop worrying; just stop and look
around a bit; let your intellect & logic slowly work on a resolution
when you slow down it gives you time to think & act logically, and
not react in a fight or flight manner.

Heres another example to consider; you are a racing car driver, you
know your machine, you know your capabilities and on any given day
you know how to drive your machine perfectly.
You have learnt through your mistakes that certain corners are to be
taken at speeds that allow you to enter & exit them now with almost
unthinking precision, all your senses are alert to the task ahead & it
seems like everything you do is automatic...then suddenly your
vehicle loses control, your tyres lose grip and your senses are
heightened, your grip on the wheel is tremendous and you are
spinning out of control not knowing where or when you will stop.
Your mind is thinking survival as well as what happened and why it
happened; in fact it is working overtime on this event. Your heart is
beating fast and your adrenaline has kicked in to support your
survival. Anything you do now will not stop the slide, it has happened
& it must resolve itself...it must end at some point...and it does, it
always does!
But this doesnt stop the automatic survival system that has started
within your body, it is tense, it is in a heightened state, it will take
time to wind back down.
The end of the spin out will depend on the speed & the direction and
what lies ahead of it; some are smooth, some are rough.
When you stop, you will be dazed, confused & looking for reasons,
answers to questions that at that moment mean everything in
knowing what went wrong. Perhaps there was oil on the road or
your tyres wore out more quickly than normal or you were distracted
for a split second! You will go over things in your head to try to make
sense of this unwanted situation until you get a satisfactory answer!
Until then you will imagine a myriad of scenarios in your head.

Whatever it was will be worked out and you will be all the wiser and
eventually this event will mean very little as you return to race
another day on your return to the track. Wiser, better and hopefully
more aware of yourself & your machines capability! But you
probably wont be thinking that at this specific moment; it will just
be WOW what happened??
You see life is not unlike a drive in your car, for some it is a daily drive
to the corner shop, very uneventful, safe and predictable and for
others it is a race to a finish line and there are all sorts of stop/starts
and challenges in between for both.
All journeys great and small have difficulties, it is how you
respond to these difficulties that makes the difference; give it
a life and it will live and mean everything take away its
oxygen, its importance and it will mean very little!
So dont despair, you have chosen your journey and whether your
car simply breaks down gently on the side of road or you smash into
a wall at high speed you will wonder why it has happened to you and
your level of concern will match your emotional state and anxiety
levels attached to the event...do you see some parallels here with life
and the way you are dealing with it?
Life is great without all the unwanted distractions and disasters and
the depth of each of these varies for all of us and our reaction to
them varies also. Some of us can take more than others and it comes
down to your personality and what you BELIEVE or FEEL you deserve
in life.
If you truly believe that your car (or you) should never have broken
down or lost control, then when it happens it may be totally
disastrous and unacceptable to you...so it is your reaction to the

event and not so much the event itself that dictates how bad it was
or is...the level of grief is in your control, it is within your grasp and
what you hold onto in your mind will manifest into reality.

We are all born equal; nobody is more superior to anyone else

at birth. It comes down to how you are conditioned in your
growing years, your personality and your soul journey that
allows you to establish beliefs, ideals, standards and
ultimately your actions limited only by circumstances and
fate.

I challenge you right now to get on the internet or into a library and
read about the true accounts of some of our generation and past
generations triumphs over adversity, they are so uplifting; here are a
couple of books to begin with Chicken soup for the Soul, when I was
affected with this condition (the second time) 20 odd years ago a
new movement was on the rise, the self help generation was kicking
in and there were books I couldnt get enough of. I had never read a
book in my life until I was in my 30s and suddenly couldnt get
enough of them. Another was Awaken the Giant Within, simply
inspirational, you see there are people throughout history and
around you today with stories more challenging than perhaps yours;
I will almost guarantee it!
YOU ARE OK......if you were OK once; you can be OK again and in fact
better than OK, dont give in, keep reading, stay focused and ignore
your condition for just a few hours a day or week or whatever suits.
Depression and anxiety in most cases is something you have allowed
to happen probably without realising it because you were in

automatic mode, it is part of your journey with which you have lost
some control and are spinning out, or your vehicle has just conked
out because it is tired, it needed that service a while ago and you let
it go, so this is the result, yes its a bummer, a pain in the arse...but
its happened!
No need to panic, its too late for that, let it happen, take a deep
breath, it simply may be time to stop momentarily, reflect and asses
your options you actually have quite a few.
When these things happen (like a breakdown of your car) you
generally need someone to assist you to either get moving again or
at least tow you to another destination for repair, so that should be
your first option...look for help!
DO THIS NOW if you havent already, please, even if it is something
like calling lifeline first DO IT NOW, it will feel better once you have
and you will be acting on the start of your recovery.
Again, what I suggest you do is listen to your inner dialogue, your
inner voice, listen to its chatter; is it negative, is it nasty...it may just
surprise you how your currently thinking and indeed how you have
been thinking, it certainly surprised me.
Force yourself to go to the gym or for a walk or meditate, I was losing
sleep all night at least 2-3 times a week and I went to work and that
was tough as I run my own business, I then forced myself to do a 4560 minute workout in the gym after hours and actually felt better
and more focused afterward than I ever thought possible dont let
it drag you down into the hole, pull it up and take it out with you, as
hard as it seems the more you do positive things the quicker you will
win.

All the positive actions and thoughts I know for a fact have helped
me; you will need to find what works for you. What you will KNOW
by the time you have recovered is that this event had to happen
because it did happen...period.
I know it seems hard to believe right now, but remember I have had
it 3 times in my life so I can vouch quite seriously from a very
experienced normal person perspective and what I mean by this is,
someone who was part of the normal functioning world prior to this
thing taking over my life. It was basically me not noticing or
acknowledging what was processing in the background.
So if this sounds a little like you, take a deep breath and continue
with reading. AGAIN, I found reading as many positive books (I will
reference as many of these as I can at the end of the book) as
possible a real source of support in getting through this condition, so
if this account of my experience helps you...continue with vigour and
if it makes you feel uncomfortable then continue it later, either way
its OK.
Remember it is my account and not yours, so dont be afraid of it, try
not to feel it, but rather intellectualise it and reaffirm that this book
is going to assist you at your deepest logical levels and if you can
relate to it...then recognise that this is already the start of your
recovery. Just the very fact that you are looking for answers means
your logical side recognises that this current situation is not the
normal you, otherwise you would be comfortable with it, wouldnt
you?

OK, lets fast forward again, have you ever been in love or obsessed
with something like music, surfing, football a sweetheart or whatever

it was, that you couldnt stop thinking about at any time in your life
prior to your depression...anything at all...think back??
If the answer was yes (and think hard Im sure there was at least one
time) were you worried about the way you felt then?? Probably not,
in fact absolutely and most definitely not!
So what is the difference now?
Basically the difference is, that you dont FEEL good about the
thoughts you are having, its that simple! It is all about how you FEEL
about what you are thinking that dictates your state of being.
Sounds simple, because it is, but you will need as much time as it
takes for you to convince yourself that this is your creation, which
may or may not be hard to do at first. You will need to write down
lots of information about how you feel and about who and what in
your life that has made you FEEL both good and bad (doing this will
help you & assist in your re-booting and reprogramming your mind).
Assess the information by reading it back to yourself and talk to
professionals, DONT be afraid to ask for help you are not weak or
useless...you are only human and with this come the highs & lows.
AGAIN, DONT BE AFRAID YOU ARE NOT WEAK it is a much more
common affliction than you may realise!!
If you broke your leg would you sit around waiting for it to heal,
because youre embarrassed about it? Of course not and this is no
different, medication has its place as does meditation, relaxation,
psychotherapies and anything else that is positive, it is a day by day
proposition and sometimes the days are good, sometimes they are
dark and occasionally youll get a great day...eventually theyll all be
bloody fantastic and a few will be fucken brilliant after this thing is
eliminated.

I remember only too well when in the depths of it, that I had a great
calm day out of about 20 days in the Storm and I was soooo happy as
I knew that this condition was finally ending. I knew that my efforts
were once again bringing healing and resolution, so keep trying no
matter how hard it seems and remember there are no highs without
lows and there are no great highs without great lows you cant
measure events without comparing or knowing the differences.

PATIENCE
Patience is King here, patience & kindness, we all have bad days so
dont sweat it if you feel like crap...so be it...it will change, NOTHING
stays the same forever, not even the universe, it is constantly
changing and evolving.

AWARENESS
Worry, guilt, resentment, hate, deceit, disappointment, treachery,
loss and any other negative outcome or feeling you can conjure up to

describe a negative feeling you have inside you. All this stuff is
generally running in the background, it will be your, inner chatter
about someone that has affected you at a level that your subconscious is listening to with real intent. They or the situation(s) they
seem to have created for you do not sit well with your measure of
what you believe is right or you deserve and it is loading up inside of
you to initiate an emotional response at some point and at some
level you may not fully expect, especially if you are confronted with it
on a regular basis.
How should we deal with this situation then, which plays in the void
of our mind? Should we confront the problem or completely remove
ourselves from it. You see this is the classic fight or flight situation we
have all heard of, it is the most basic survival pattern in all flesh and
blood creatures. What you will need to decide is are you a fighter or
a runner, is your personality up for a confrontation or do you prefer
to avoid one?? Whatever the decision you will need to be prepared
to accept it and its outcome(s) or you may dig a deeper hole for
yourself down the road. The best way to deal with any situation
(other than a truly life and death decision) on which course of action
to take (I believe) is to make an informed, logical and intellectual
decision on what you intend to do. Write down the pros and cons of
both decisions and dissect how you would feel and respond to either
choice, then you will start to see options....Options give you
breathing space they provide a multi directional thought process to
begin. This process will take you away from a singular thought
direction, feeling and focus. You will in many regards be helping
yourself to intellectualise more than...feel.
Some people believe that when you have depression that you are
fitting too much into your head, this is probably a vague description
and may not properly describe the truth of the situation; although

many a person (myself included) had taken this advice and dropped
everything in the desperate hope this would relieve mental pressure
and in many a case Im sure it would (and did) help. What it actually
does is it removes some of the load (emotion) away from the
immediate situation, which feels like a cure in many respects as you
tie in your surroundings to the problem. The truth I have discovered
is that the brain is almost limitless in what can be absorbed and
learned at any measurable quantity; the real culprit is how you feel
about what you are thinking!

Remember if you were truly happy and feeling good about

what you are thinking you would not be depressed or
anxious...fact, right?

FEAR
OK, on we go with it, lets say you were standing at the top of a
bungie tower with the bungie around your ankles ready to jump, you
are scared shitless, your heart is pounding and you are light headed
you would suddenly be in a state of feeling that your life may be at
risk and the stress of this situation seems justified the reality is that
the anticipation of what comes next produces a fear that you may
die or get seriously injured and your body responds without your
controlling it it is such a primal reaction to a threatening (or
perceived threat at this point) situation that you have decided is
about to take place! Interesting huh? It actually hasnt taken place

yet, so the threat is purely imagined, but powerful enough to change

your entire physiology!!
If you simply jumped with the bungie professionally fitted, your fears
would be put to rest and the exhilaration of falling safely would put
those fears to bed for good and in fact you may even want to do it
again. There would be a higher risk actually crossing the street as a
pedestrian this is a fact.
Focusing on this stressful event until it is proven otherwise can be
likened to your current state of depression, something in your mind
has been working overtime to make your primal survival instincts fire
up and your whole normal state of being has changed almost
without you realising it. It will take a little bit of time to re-normalise
back to your standard feelings again, but it will happen.
Now Im no doctor of anything remember, but what I do know is that
you beat this thing by simply trying to beat it, I found Reiki, Tai Chi,
the gym, reading, long & frequent walks, talking about it, reading
about positive and uplifting human stories, music, nature in fact
anything that had a positive effect on my thought processes to help
me and slowly but surely it chips away at the unnatural way you
feel...and I repeat, it wont last, you will feel like yourself again and
in fact if you find some answers as to why, you should be better than
before.

The Mind

Ever tried to think about one thing continually?? Hard to do and in

fact almost bloody impossible for anything more than
seconds...thats seconds!!
What you need to understand is that depression is a multi levelled
holistic problem it blurs the lines between specifics it produces aches
and pains (it takes away other aches and pains, that you use to have
as well!) it keeps the senses switched to on and in other cases it
switches them off. I couldnt keep still, I couldnt sleep (all night) and
this was horrendous for me as I run a business...but guess what, this
is exactly what I focused on...oh no what about tomorrow nights
sleep???? What my mind equated was that this was the most
important thing for me to sort through and try and control. The level
of importance I gave this seemingly simple thing to do triggered my
inability to reconcile my thoughts with my feelings and the monster
took over...imagination kicked in!
What I recommend you do is keep a journal, write down what you
feel and what you start to realise on a daily basis how you are
thinking, it is so helpful as reading back helps you to rationalise what
is going on. Try to work out how you got to this place and if you
believe that others have contributed to your situation, then write
down how you feel about them and let them know, as kindly as you
can and tell them you forgive them, this is very important. Its also
extremely important to forgive yourself, in fact it should be the
number one thing you do right now, write a forgiveness note to
yourself and how you intend to do better more positive things for
your body and mind, put it in an envelope and place it in your letter
box tonite and get it with tomorrows mail.

It is so hard to rationalise this condition in your own head, that over

thinking it is simply throwing fuel on the flame. Yes I know I have said
that you need to work it out to understand it so as to prevent it from
re-occurring. But, it will really depend where you are at this given
time and how deeply you are consumed with it.
Sometimes it is just better to not worry about it or the focusing on it
at the start to allow you to re-program your thoughts to a level that
allows you to rest and reflect without the emotional attachment to
it. Worrying about the way you think only exacerbates the situation
so let it do its best to consume your thoughts with a carefree
attitude, eventually your mind will get sick of it, once you stop
attaching a feeling to the memory of it.

The mind...your mind will eventually get bored with the same
mundane thoughts so just give it time and DO NOT force it to comply
if you get frustrated this is fuel for it...so just imagine the fire thats
raging right now as your depression and watch it in your minds eye
slowly reducing in size and strength (as fires always do) watch it
moving slowly away from you, dont try and put it out, dont try and
blow it out...youll only exhaust yourself...keep up wind of it and
watch it...watch it moving away in your mind losing its fuel and
strength...all fires go out eventually, just depends on the
circumstances as to how quickly...but they all go out!
I have a few basic exercises for you to try in my next book, but dont
rush it...fuel remember?...keep reading and try it a bit later, learn
about yourself a little more first.

Memory...

Ah now memory, imagine if you suddenly got amnesia...interesting

yes? This whole thing would simply disappear and you would have
your good days and bad days without the associated tags and self
diagnosis that you now hang on every feeling and thought in your
life?
You see this last time it happened to me I simply decided to give in
and not fight it so much. I decided to go to the gym and find my
connection with Tai chi again and write goals and do all the things
much quicker than last time...and it worked, it worked much, much
better for me and much quicker.

What really disappointed me this time round, was that I believed my

last event (95-97) would be the last one I would ever need to suffer
as I was convinced (certainty) beyond a shadow of a doubt that I
would never allow this thing to surface again...boy was I wrong!

Clarity Vs Certainty
And this is where I discovered that CLARITY serves you better
than CERTAINTY. We as humans can be certain of one thing
only...uncertainty! Its all day by day, breath by breath.
I was so disappointed in this thing re-occurring at 50 years of age
that I believe this hindered my ability to recognise it coming on in the
first place and dealing with it before it dealt with me.
I must admit I did take a course of lowest dose anti-depressant for
about 3 months and even then I halved the dosage and mucked
around with the frequency, so its hard to tell what real effect they
had, but they seemed to make me sleep a little better at least. I still
had that nagging thing in the back of my mind saying to me, that
these things (pills) wont help you understand your position, they will
simply cover it up and youll never know why you are here?
Well now, this is a debatable situation as I did not take the
prescribed course for the prescribed duration, but I honestly believe
(now) that the meds would have helped to speed up the recovery;
what Im not convinced of is that I would have been writing this
account and discovering the cause/effect of this 3rd episode and
understanding it for what it truly is....A WAKE UP CALL!!
Im just not sold 100% on the medication side of treatment in
resolving the cause(s) of this debilitating condition. Medications treat
symptoms, if you have a headache you take a paracetamol or aspirin
or similar. The thing is that these do not address the underlying
cause(s) of your condition; why you actually have a headache in the
first place. Be it as it is, they certainly help to take or reduce the pain
at some level so we blindly accept them and use as necessary...not
such a bad thing.

As human beings we look for the easiest exit to a bad or

uncomfortable situation, pain and suffering should not be tolerated
at any level right? So the mainstream MDs will always reach for pill
first and everything else second, the problem with this method of
treatment is that we are all human and if the pill(s) work we will
seldom move to step 2 cause/prevention.
Prevention is the act of stopping something from happening. In order
to stop something from happening you need to understand its
consequences otherwise you cannot prevent it adequately! This is
evident in some mental health cases by people reporting good
results at first with medications and then requiring stronger or
alternate meds to cope as time goes on. I believe a lot of these cases
do not properly address the root causes of their disposition or try to
understand the hows and whys at a personal level. You see as human
beings we need to understand things in order to move from one
thing, to the next thing; be it mathematics, art, literature, sport or
anything actually. Understanding it will give you a level of confidence
to move onto the next part of understanding!
Learning is a major part of our being here on planet earth. Most of us
are not born with knowledge of science or the arts; it takes some
time to develop skill and to be able to master stuff before we
become the preeminent teachers or authorities on such matters.
It develops with the momentum of how you feel about it and what
you believe.

Beliefs...

The Auto & Manual Mind

Your mind has the extraordinary ability to drive in two distinct modes
(Auto and Manual) all at the same time. You can, with complete
dexterity (in most cases) put one foot on the accelerator, use the
wiper switch when its raining, concentrate on the road ahead and
hold a thinking conversation...all at the same time! In fact, you stay
alive during sleep by the grace of your automatic system; you do not
consciously need to keep your heart beating or your lungs breathing
do you??
So where am I going with this? Simply put, your automatic system is
trying to show you something that you have been telling it in your
waking thought processes, you have been telling it something (or
many things) during your waking time and it has been listening
intently, very, very closely indeed!
Again, you need to listen very closely to your inner chatter as it may
surprise you A LOT. When you form opinions and ideas on people
and/or things you start to rehearse your responses to these
projections in your mind and someone is always listening to you....its
your subconscious!
You really need to keep looking at your life objectively and asking
questions about your current destination. Once you have started this
procedure then go back and try to understand the events of the
journey from the start; but do this only when you are comfortable
with analysing your condition. Doing this will help you deal with (or
make sense out of) understanding why and help you to avoid missing
the same signals again if it ever tries to re-occur.

You see this is the crux of the whole thing, understanding something
(anything) gives you much greater scope in knowing how to deal with
it, or how to master it. It is the unknown element of anything (or
situation) that creates fear and doubt. It is focus that then supports
your belief and the more you focus on something the more you
support its reality. The more you support its reality the more your
sub-conscious absorbs the message.

Its a lot to grasp at the start and it may not make you feel better
right away reading all this information, but it will help eventually.
I have a friend who has been battling depression and anxiety issues
for years, he has just gone from 4 medications a day down to 1 every
second day. I asked how many times he has suffered from this event
in his life and he told me pretty much...constantly and it seems to get
more aggressive as years go on! I asked if he tried to understand it
from a logical and self help perspective and he answered NO, I just
want it to go away, Im not interested in how or why!
I said to him, how do you deal with it then? He immediately said, I
feel it coming on and try to control it with my meds. I knew he
didnt want to dwell on it, he simply wanted it to go...but this is the
thing he didnt fully grasp...he actually doesnt control it, it controls
him.
It was a nerve I hit and he just simply does not want to understand it
at this time, hence (I believe) it coming back with vengeance each
time. You see he said to me (looking me in the eyes) I dont handle
stress well at all, actually any sort of pressure....well, you could have
knocked me down with a feather as this person next to me is a live
performer; he sings (not exceptionally well) and plays guitar in front

of new crowds on a regular basis. He actually said, There were

nights I would cry my heart out in the car before a show and then 5
minutes later belt out a tune in front of the general public for the
next 2 hours without missing a note, he is a true performer a really
talented individual.
I then directly said to my friend, do you realise one of the most
confronting and stressful things to do on anyones list, is to publicly
speak...so imagine singing to strangers???? He looked at me as if I
were a kook, he just simply did not (at that point) make the
connection between what was natural for him and absolutely
terrifying for the rest of humanity.
The point I was trying to make with him was his ability to feel good
about one thing and not another, is purely based on his beliefs. If you
believe something is terrible or terrifying to you, then it will surely
feel that way? If you could think without attaching an emotion to it,
then problem solved!
The thing is that we are human and not machine so this is probably
not 100% possible, again, the trick is to feel good about what you are
thinking. You see where my friend is right now, is the forest for the
trees scenario, he hasnt yet made the connection between being
comfortable with a situation that would be terrifying to 90% of the
population on their best day and the pressures of everyday life which
60% of us cope with on a daily basis without batting an eyelid. If he
simply made the connection that his performances and humour are
what the crowd wish they could do, then he would be able to see the
strength he actually has as an individual to overcome the fear of the
masses. This realisation could then be motivated to conquer any
other fear he may hold and believe is a basis on reality.

Take religion as an example here, people who sacrifice themselves in

the name of belief must have some sort of proof that what they are
doing will actually provide the promise they are given...or why would
they do it?
In fact we all know that there is no proof of a paradise for anyone, so
why would they do it?...simply because they believe that they will go
to paradise, its that simple. Belief is a powerful tool in someones
life, so that when a belief is manipulated or shattered it can have
devastating consequences and not only for the individual.
Belief combined with imagination can be a terrific ally or a
destructive foe.
Imagine for a few minutes that a creator of the universe (God if you
like) just simply wants nothing more for you (or from you) than to
just live and love both of yourself and others. If we all took that
perspective then there would never be a sad or bad moment or
memory we would be free to experience the world without the
blockage or restrictions of money, greed, anger, violence, deceit or
any other negative action or emotion at any level. We would never
need to measure or fear another person as we would all believe in
each other....imagine that, no other belief than in yourself and other
people.
Wouldnt that be Nirvana, isnt that our destiny, to become beings
worthy of universal acceptance and to experience all the glory of the
mysteries of the inner and outer universe(s) and to truly be the
peaceful spiritual entities that we are naturally meant to be, free to
make contact with all and not to fear the unknown or for the
unknown to fear us. We are as a result of our current physicality,
trapped in a body thats created to survive its environment and
hence we fall victim to the processes of our survival biology.

This time on Earth is your birth right, enjoy every special moment as
it presents itself, it is your right to be happy. I am not a religious
person per se, but I am a spiritual one and I have had moments in my
life that confirm to me there is something more than this reality. But
make no mistake, this time on Earth for every human being is special
it holds a meaning very few will ever fully comprehend even if they
live a long life it is truly a gift, an opportunity for you to do
something as an individual (but connected) entity to the Source
that will mean everything to you when its your time to leave. It is
your separateness (or the feeling of it) that has you where you are
now; but you are not alone, you never have been.
So fear not your thoughts and feelings, your beliefs and desires, you
are already perfect right now and your depression and anxiety are
confirming this, so take a deep breath and know that it is this way for
a reason, learn from it and understand it, be grateful for the
opportunity to be a better human and to love yourself and others
more...it will make you FEEL like a better human being for yourself
and for others if you accept it as an experience you had to have this
time.
Please remember I am not a counsellor or mental health practitioner
and I have no doubt that there will be an endless amount of people
who will provide their complete disapproval of my view(s) but then
theyre just getting it in their way...its a personal journey after all!
Thanks, stay strong, think health and know that I am with you and
that you will be OK!

Clarity, Belief, Patience and Calm,

Storm.