12 Communication Stoppers

I. The Twelve Big Communication Stoppers:

A. Judging B. Sending Solutions C. Avoidance
1. Criticizing 5. Ordering 10. Detouring
2. Name-Calling 6. Threatening 11. Logical Argument
3. Diagnosing 7. Moralizing 12. Reassuring
4. Praising to Manipulate 8. Intrusive Questioning
9. Advising

II. The Twelve Big Communication Stoppers (Explained):

A. Judging

1. Criticizing: Blaming the other person for their actions

or attitudes.

2. Name-Calling: Stereotyping the other person, after

which we usually stop listening.

3. Diagnosing: Playing psychologist - analyzing what

the other is saying or doing, instead of listening to And Think!
what they are saying. Examples are telling the other
person that they are being “defensive” or have some kind of “complex.”

4. Praising to Manipulate: Praise is a good thing, however it can be used

to manipulate other people to get them to do or continue doing what we
want them to do. We can sometimes know we are doing this when the
other person down plays the praise by saying “It was okay” or “I could have
done it better.”

B. Sending Solutions

We want to help other people and solve their problems, but sometimes they just
want to have someone listen.

5. Ordering: Sometimes we try to force our solution on others, which

creates an atmosphere of resentment and resistance. It can also lead to
the other person trying to sabotage the forced solution because they feel
you are telling them that their ideas are no good.
 6. Threatening: Similar to “Ordering“ but with an “or else“ for punishment added.
This has many of the same problems as ordering somebody to do something.

7. Moralizing: Telling somebody what he or she “Should” or “Ought” to do.

Creates anxiety and resentment and, like “Ordering” and “Threatening,” tends to
lower the other persons self-esteem.

8. Intrusive Questioning: When lots of questions are asked, in a rapid fire

“machinegun” manner, people tend to back off and stop trying to communicate.
Also questions can be accusatory. Try to ask questions that don’t force the other
person into a corner and also try to space your questions out.

9. Advising: This is an easy trap to fall into. We usually don’t have all the
information we need to tell the other person what needs to be done and besides
quite often they just want someone to listen to them.

C. Avoidance

10. Diverting: This is simply “changing the topic of conversation.” This often
begins with “speaking of” or “that reminds me.” This may be because you are
uncomfortable with the topic of conversation or you’re distracted by your own
thoughts, but the result is the same; the other person is not being heard.

11. Logical Argument: When the other person is talking of, what for them is an
emotional issue, and you go all “Mr. Spock” on them and talk of facts and logic.
The other person tends to feel alienated and, quite often, ignored.

12. Reassuring: This seems to be a nice thing to do, but people tend to feel
threatened anytime any deeply held opinion about themselves is challenged, no
matter how wrong or bad the belief seems to others. Quite often the reassurance
is on the surface and does not take into account the reasons for the belief. The
comforter fails to understand the true depth of the belief. In the end all it is, is an
easy way for us to feel that we are being helpful.

III. The Biggest Communication Stopper:

We all are guilty of using all of the above “Communication Stoppers,” but telling others
that they are using them will result in less communication, instead of the better
communication that we hoped for. A the same time it is important that you don’t get
overcritical of yourself when you find yourself using one these “Communication
Stoppers.” Like everyone you have made mistakes in the past and, sorry to break it to
you, you will make mistakes in the future. Life is a work in progress. What is important
is that by being aware of what can go wrong, you have an opportunity to improve.

(This handout is based upon the work of Thomas Gordon as described in the book People Skills by Robert Bolton, Ph.D.) BWR 2/13/2006