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TheZooStorybyEdwardAlbee

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TheZooStory
EdwardAlbee
forWilliamFlanagan
CHARACTERS
PETER:Amaninhisearlyforties,neitherfatnorgaunt,neither
handsomenorhomelyHewearstweeds,smokesapipe,carries
hornrimmedglasses.Althoughheismovingintomiddleage,his
dressandhismannerwouldsuggestamanyounger.
JERRY:Amaninhislatethirties,notpoorlydressed,butcarelessly.
Whatwasonceatrimandlightlymuscledbodyhasbeguntogotofat
andwhileheisnolongerhandsome,itisevidentthatheoncewas.
Hisfallfromphysicalgraceshouldnotsuggestdebaucheryhehas,to
comeclosesttoit.agreatweariness.

THESCENE:
ItisCentralParkaSundayafternooninsummerthepresent.There
aretwoparkbenches,onetowardseithersideofthestagetheyboth
face,theaudience.Behindthan:foliage,trees,sky.
[AtthebeginningPETERisseatedononeofthebenches.Asthe
curtainrises,PETERisseatedonthebenchstageright.Heis
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readingabook.Hestopsreading,cleanshisglasses,goesbackto
reading.JERRYenters.]
JERRY:I'vebeentothezoo.[PETERdoesn'tnotice.]Isaid,I'vebeen
tothezoo.MISTER,I'VEBEENTOTHEZOO!
PETER:Hm?...What?...I'msorry,wereyoutalkingtome?
JERRY:Iwenttothezoo,andthenIwalkeduntilIcamehere.Have
Ibeenwalkingnorth?
PETER:[puzzled]North?Why..I...Ithinkso.Letmesee.
JERRY:[pointingpasttheaudience]IsthatFifthavenue?
PETER:Whyyayes,itis.
JERRY:Andwhatisthatcrossstreettherethatone,totheright?
PETER:That?Oh,that'sSeventyfourthStreet.
JERRY:AndthezooisaroundSixty5fthStreetso,I'vebeenwalking
north.
PETER:[anxioustogetbacktohisreading]Yesitwouldseemso.
JERRY:Goodoldnorth.

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PETER:[lightly,byreflex]Ha,ha.
JERRY:[afteraslightpause]Butnotduenorth.
PETER:I...well,no,notduenorthbut,we...callitnorth.It's
northerly.
JERRY:[watchesasPETER,anxioustodismisshim,prepareshispipe]
Well,boy,you'renotgoingtogetlungcancer,areyou?
PETER:[looksup,alittleannoyed,thensmiles]No,sir.Notfromthis.
JERRY:No,sir.Whatyou'llprobablygetiscancerofthemouth,and
thenyou'llhavetowearoneofthosethingsFreudworeafter
theytookonewholesideofhisjawaway,Whatdotheycall
thosethings?
PETER:[uncomfortable]Aprosthesis?
JERRY:Theverything!Aprosthesis.You'reaneducatedman,aren't
you?Areyouadoctor?
PETER:Oh,nono.Ireadaboutitsomewhere:Timemagazine,Ithink.
[Heturnstohisbook.]
JERRY:Well,Timemagazineisn'tforblockheads.
PETER:No,Isupposenot.
JERRY:[afterapause]Boy,I'mgladthat'sFifthAvenuethere.
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PETER:[vaguely]Yes.
JERRY:Idon'tlikethewestsideoftheparkmuch.
PETER:Oh?[Then,slightlywary,butinterested]Why?
JERRY:[offhand]Idon'tknow.
PETER:Oh.[Hereturnstohisbook.]
JERRY:[standsforafewseconds,lookingatPETER,whofinallylooks
upagain,puzzled]Doyoumindifwetalk?
PETER:[obviouslyminding]Why...no,no.
JERRY:Yesyoudoyoudo.
PETER:[putshisbookdown,hispipeoutandaway,smiling]No,I
reallyIdon'tmind.
JERRY:Yesyoudo.
PETER:[finallydecided]NoIdon'tmindatall,really.
JERRY:It's...it'saniceday.
PETER:[staresunnecessarilyatthesky]Yes.Yes,itislovely.
JERRY:I'vebeentothezoo.
PETER:Yes,Ithinkyousaidso...didn'tyou?
JERRY:you'llreadaboutitinthepaperstomorrow,ifyoudon'tseeit
onyourTVtonight.YouhaveTV,haven'tyou?
PETER:Whyyes,wehavetwooneforthechildren.
JERRY:You'remarried!
PETER:[withpleasedemphasis]Why,certainly.
JERRY:Itisn'talaw,forGod'ssake.
PETER:No...no,ofcoursenot.
JERRY:Andyouhaveawife.
PETER:[bewilderedbytheseeminglackofcommunication]Yes!
JERRY:Andyouhavechildren.

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PETER:Yestwo.
JERRY:Boys?
PETER:No,girls...bothgirls.
JERRY:Butyouwantedboys.
PETER:Well...naturally,everymanwantsason,but...
JERRY:[lightlymocking]Butthat'sthewaythecookiecrumbles?
PETER:[annoyed]Iwasn'tgoingtosaythat.
JERRY:Andyou'renotgoingtohaveanymorekids,areyou?
PETER:[abitdistantly]No.Nomore.[Thenback,andirksome]Why
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didyousaythat?Howwouldyouknowaboutthat?
JERRY:Thewayyoucrossyourlegs,perhapssomethinginthevoice.
OrmaybeI'mjustguessing.Isityourwife?
PETER:[furious]That'snoneofyourbusiness![Asilence.]Doyou
understand?[JERRYnods.PETERisquietnow.]Well,you're
right.We'llhavenomorechildren.
JERRY:[softly]Thatisthewaythecookiecrumbles.
PETER:[forgiving]Yes...Iguessso.
JERRY:Well,nowwhatelse?
PETER:Whatwereyousayingaboutthezoo...thatI'dreadaboutit,
orsee...?
JERRY:I'lltellyouaboutit,soon.DoyoumindifIaskyouquestions?
PETER:Oh,notreally.
JERRY:I'lltellyouwhyIdoitIdon'ttalktomanypeopleexcept
tosaylike:givemeabeer,orwhere'sthejohn,orwhattime
doesthefeaturegoon,orkeepyourhandstoyourself,buddy.
Youknowthingslikethat.
PETER:ImustsayIdont...
JERRY:ButeveryonceinawhileIliketotalktosomebody,really
talkliketogettoknowsomebody,knowallabouthim.
PETER:[lightlylaughing,stillalittleuncomfortable]AndamIthe
guineapigfortoday?
JERRY:OnasundrenchedSundayafternoonlikethis?Whobetter
thananicemarriedmanwithtwodaughtersand...uh...a
dog?[PETERshakeshishead.]No?Twodogs.[PETERshakes
hisheadagain.Hm.Nodogs?[PETERshakeshishead,sadly.]
Oh,that'sashame.Butyoulooklikeananimalman.CATS?
[PETERnodshishead,ruefully.]Cats!But,thatcan'tbeyour
idea.No,sir.Yourwifeanddaughters?[PETERnodshishead.]
IsthereanythingelseIshouldknow?
PETER:[hehasclearhisthroat]Thereare...therearetwoparakeets.
One...uh...oneforeachofmydaughters.
JERRY:Birds.
PETER:Mydaughterskeeptheminacageintheirbedroom.
JERRY:Dotheycarrydisease?Thebirds.
PETER:Idon'tbelieveso.
JERRY:That'stoobad.Iftheydidyoucouldsetthemlooseinthe

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houseandthecatscouldeatthemanddie,maybe.[PETER
lookblankforamoment,thenlaughs.]Andwhatelse?What
doyoudotosupportyourenormoushousehold?
PETER:I...uh...Ihaveanexecutivepositionwitha...asmall
publishinghouse.We...uh...wepublishtextbooks.
JERRY:Thatsoundsniceverynice.Whatdoyoumake?
PETER:[stillcheerful]Nowlookhere!
JERRY:Oh,comeon.
PETER:Well,Imakearoundeighteenthousandayear,but:don'tcarry
morethanfortydollarsatanyonetime...incaseyou'rea...
aholdupman...ha,ha,ha.
JERRY:[ignoringtheabove]Wheredoyoulive?[PETERisreluctant.]
Oh,lookI'mnotgoingtorobyou,andI'mnotgoingtokidnap
yourparakeets,yourcats,oryourdaughters.
PETER:[tooloud]IlivebetweenLexingtonandThirdAvenue,on
SeventyfourthStreet.
JERRY:Thatwasn'tsohard,wasit?
PETER:Ididn'tmeantoseem...ah...it'sthatyoudon'treallycarry
onaconversationyoujustaskquestions.AndI'm...I'm
normally...uh...reticent.Whydoyoujuststandthere?
JERRY:I'llstartwalkingaroundinalittlewhile,andeventuallyI'llsit
down.[Recalling.]Waituntilyouseetheexpressiononhisface.
PETER:What?Whoseface?LookhereisthisSomethingaboutthe
zoo?
JERRY:[distantly]Thewhat?
PETER:Thezoothezoo.Somethingaboutthezoo.
JERRY:Thezoo?
PETER:You'vementioneditseveraltimes.
JERRY[stilldistant,butreturningabruptly]:Thezoo?Oh,yesthe
zoo.IwastherebeforeIcamehere.Itoldyouthat.Say,what'sthe
dividinglinebetweenuppermiddlemiddleclassand
loweruppermiddleclass?
PETER:Mydearfellow,I...
JERRY:Don'tmydearfellowme.
PETER:[unhappily]WasIpatronizing?IbelieveIwasI'msorry.But,
yousee,yourquestionabouttheclassesbewilderedme.
JERRY:Andwhenyou'rebewilderedyoubecomepatronizing?
PETER:I...Idon'texpressmyselftoowell,sometimes.[Heattempts
ajokeonhimself.]I'minpublishing,notwriting.
JERRY:[amused,butnotatthehumour]Sobeit.Thetruthis:Iwas
beingpatronizing.
PETER:Oh,nowyouneedn'tsaythat.
[ItisatthispointthatJERRYmaybegintomowaboutthe
stagewithslowlyincreasingdeterminationandauthority,
butpacinghimself,sothatthelongspeechaboutthedog
comesatthehighpointofthearc.]
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JERRY:Allright.Whoareyourfavouritewriters?BaudelaireandJ.P.
Marquand?
PETER:[wary]Well,IlikeagreatmanywritersIhaveaconsiderable
...catholicityoftaste,ifImaysayso.Thosetwomenarefine,
eachinhisway.[Warmingup]Baudelaire,ofcourse...uh...is
byfarthefinerofthetwo,butMarquandhasaplace...inour
...uh...national...
JERRY:Skipit.
PETER:I...sorry.
JERRY:DoyouknowwhatIdidbeforeIwenttothezootoday?I
walkedallthewayupFifthAvenuefromWashingtonSquare
alltheway.
PETER:OhyouliveintheVillage![ThisseemstoenlightenPeter.]
JERRY:No,Idon't.ItookthesubwaydowntotheVillagesoIcould
walkallthewayupFifthAvenuetothezoo.It'soneofthose
thingsapersonhastodosometimesapersonhastogoavery
longdistanceoutofhiswaytocomebackashortdistance
correctly.
PETER:[almostpounting]Oh,IthoughtyoulivedintheVillage.
JERRY:Whatwereyoutryingtodo?Makesenseoutofthings?Bring
order?Theoldpigeonholebit?Well,that'seasyI'lltellyou.I
liveinafourstoreybrownstoneroominghouseontheupper
WestSidebetweenColumbusAvenueandCentralParkWest.I
liveonthetopfloorrearwest.It'salaughablysmallroom,
andoneofmywallsismadeofbeaverboardthisbeaverboard
separatesmyroomfromanotherlaughablysmallroom,soI
assumethatthetworoomswereonceoneroom,asmallroom,
butnotnecessarilylaughable.Theroombeyondmybeaver
boardwallisoccupiedbyacolouredqueenwhoalwayskeeps
hisdooropenwell,notalwaysbutalwayswhenhe'splucking
hiseyebrows,whichhedoeswithBuddhistconcentration.This
colouredqueenhasrottenteeth,whichisrare,andhehasa
Japanesekimono,whichisalsoprettyrareandhewearsthis
kimonotoandfromthejohninthehall,whichispretty
frequent.Imean,hegoestothejohnalot.Heneverbothers
me,andneverbringsanyoneuptohisroom.Allhedoesis
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pluckhiseyebrows,wearhiskimonoandgotothejohn.Now,
thetwofrontroomsonmyfloorarealittlelarger,Iguessbut
they'reprettysmall,too.There'saPuertoRicanfamilyinone
ofthem,ahusband,awife,andsomekidsIdon'tknowhow
many.Thesepeopleentertainalot.Andintheotherfrontroom,
there'ssomebodylivingthere,butIdon'tknowwhoitis.I've
neverseenwhoitis.Never.Neverever.
PETER:[embarrassed]Why...whydoyoulivethere?
JERRY:[Fromadistanceagain]Idon'tknow.
PETER:Itdoesn'tsoundaveryniceplace...whereyoulive.

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JERRY:Well,noitisn'tanapartmentintheEastSeventies.But,then
again,Idon'thaveonewife,twodaughters,twocatsandtwo
parakeets.WhatIdohave,Ihavetoiletarticles,afewclothes,
ahotplatethatI'mnotsupposedtohave,acanopener,one
thatworkswithakey,youknow:aKnife,twoforks,andtwo
spoons,onesmall,onelargethreeplates,acup,asaucer,a
drinkingglass,twopictureframes,bothempty,eightornine
books,apackofpornographicplayingcards,regulardeck,an
oldWesternUniontypewriterthatprintsnothingbutcapital
letters,andasmallstrongboxwithoutalockwhichhasinit...
what?Rocks!Somerocks...searoundedrocksIpickedupon
thebeachwhenIwasakid.Underwhich...weigheddown...
aresomeletters...pleaseletters...pleasewhydon'tyoudo
this,andpleasewhenwillyoudothatletters.Andwhenletters,
too.Whenwillyouwrite?Whenwillyoucome?When?These
lettersarefrommorerecentyears.
PETER:[staresglumlyathisshoes,then]AboutthosetwoEmpty
pictureframes...?
JERRY:Idon'tseewhytheyneedanyexplanationatall.Isn'titclear?
Idon'thavepicturesofanyonetoputinthem.
PETER:Yourparents...perhaps...agirlfriend...
JERRY:You'reaverysweetman,andyou'repossessedofatruly
enviableinnocence.ButgoodoldMomandgoodoldPopare
dead...youknow?...I'mbrokenupaboutit,too...Imean
really.BUT.Thatparticularvaudevilleactisplayingthecloud
circuitnow,soIdon'tseehowIcanlookatthem,allneatand
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framed.Besides,or,rather,tobepointedaboutit,goodold
MomwalkedoutongoodoldPopwhenIwastenandahalf
yearsoldsheembarkedonanadulterousturnofoursouthern
states...ajourneyofayear'sduration...andhermost
constantcompanion...amongothers,amongmanyothers...was
aMrBarleycorn.Atleast,that'swhatgoodoldPoptoldme
afterhewentdown...cameback...broughtherbodynorth.
We'dreceivedthenewsbetweenChristmasandNewYear's,
yousee,thatgoodoldMomhadpartedwiththeghostinsome
dumpinAlabama.And,withouttheghost...shewasless
welcome.Imean,whatwasshe?Astiff...anorthernstiff.At
anyrate,goodoldPopcelebratedtheNewYearforaneventwo
weeksandthenslappedintothefrontofasomewhatmoving
cityomnibus,whichsortofcleanedthingsoutfamilywise.
WellnothentherewasMom'ssister,whowasgivenneither
tosinnortheconsolationsofthebottle.Imovedinonher,and
mymemoryofherisslightexceptingIrememberstillthatshe
didallthingsdourly:sleeping,eating,working,praying.She
droppeddeadonthestairstoherapartment,myapartmentthen,
too,ontheafternoonofmyhighschoolgraduation.Aterribly

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middleEuropeanjoke,ifyouaskme.
PETER:Oh,myoh,my.
JERRY:Oh,yourwhat?Butthatwasalongtimeago,andIhaveno
feelingaboutanyofitthatIcaretoadmittomyself.Perhaps
youcansee,though,whygoodoldMomandgoodoldPopare
frameless.What'syourname?Yourfirstname?
JERRY:I'dforgottentoaskyou.I'mJerry.
PETER:[withaslightnervouslaugh]Hello,Jerry.
JERRY:[nodshishello]Andlet'sseenowwhat'sthepointofhaving
agirl'spicture,especiallyintwoframes?Ihavetwopicture
frames,youremember.Ineverseetheprettylittleladiesmore
thanonce,andmostofthemwouldn'tbecaughtinthesame
roomwithacamera.It'sodd,andIwonderifit'ssad.
PETER:Thegirls?
JERRY:No.Iwonderifit'ssadthatIneverseethelittleladiesmore
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thanonce.I'veneverbeenabletohavesexwith,or,howisit
put?...makelovetoanybodymorethanonce.Oncethat'sit
...Oh,waitforaweekandahalf,whenIwasfifteen...andI
hangmyheadinshamethatpubertywaslate...Iwasa
homosexual.Imean,Iwasqueer...[Veryfast]...
queer,queer,queer...withbellsringing,bannerssnappingin
thewind.Andforthoseelevendays,Imetatleasttwiceaday
withtheparksuperintendent'sson...aGreekboy,whose
birthdaywasthesameasmine,excepthewasayearolder.I
thinkIwasverymuchinlove...maybejustwithsex.Butthat
wasthejazzofaveryspecialhotel,wasn'tit?Andnowoh,
doIlovethelittleladiesreally,Ilovethem.Foraboutanhour.
PETER:Well,itseemsperfectlysimpletome...
JERRY:[angry]Look!Areyougoingtotellmetogetmarriedand
haveparakeets?
PETER:[angryhimself]Forgettheparakeets!Andstaysingleifyou
wantto.It'snobusinessofmine.Ididn'tstartthis
conversationinthe...
JERRY:Allright,allright.I'msorry.Allright?You'renotangry?
PETER:[laughing]No,I'mnotangry.
JERRY:[relieved]Good.[Nowbacktohisprevioustone.]Interesting
thatyouaskedmeaboutthepictureframes.Iwouldhave
thoughtthatyouwouldhaveaskedmeaboutthepornographic
playingcards.
PETER:[withaknowingsmile]Oh,I'veseenthosecards.
JERRY:That'snotthepoint.[Laughs]Isupposewhenyouwereakid
youandyourpalspassedthemaround,oryouhadapackof
yourown.
PETER:Wdl,Iguessalotofusdid.
JERRY:Andyouthrewthemawayjustbeforeyougotmarried.
PETER:Oh,nowlookhere.Ididn'tneedanythinglikethatwhenIgot

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older.
JERRY:No?
PETER:[embarrassed]I'drathernottalkaboutthesethings.
JERRY:So?Don't.Besides,Iwasn'ttryingtopullyour
postadolescentsexuallifeandhardtimeswhatIwantedtoget
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atisthevaluedifferencebetweenpornographicplayingcards
whenyou'reakid,andpornographicplayingcardswhenyou're
older.It'sthatwhenyou'reakidyouusethecardsasa
substituteforarealexperience,andwhenyou'reolderyouuse
realexperienceasasubstituteforthefantasy.ButIimagine
you'dratherhearaboutwhathappenedatthezoo.
PETER:[enthusiastic]:Oh,yesthezoo.[Then,awkward:]Thatis...if
you...
JERRY:LetmetellyouaboutwhyIwent...well,letmetellyousome
things.I'vetoldyouaboutthefourthflooroftheroominghouse
whereIlive.Ithinktheroomsarebetterasyougodown,floor
byfloor.IguesstheyareIdon'tknow.Idon'tknowanyof
thepeopleonthethirdandsecondfloors.Oh,wait!Idoknow
thatthere'saladylivingonthethirdfloor,inthefront.Iknow
becauseshecriesallthetime.WheneverIgooutorcomeback
in,wheneverIpassherdoor,Ialwayshearhercrying,muffled,
but...verydetermined.Verydeterminedindeed.ButtheoneI'm
gettingto,andallaboutthedog,isthelandlady.Idon'tliketo
usewordsthataretooharshindescribingpeople.Idon'tlike
to.Butthelandladyisafat,ugly,mean,stupid,unwashed,
misanthropic,cheap,drunkenbagofgarbage.Andyoumayhave
noticedthatIveryseldomweprofanity,soIcan'tdescribeher
aswellasImight.
PETER:Youdescribeher...vividly.
JERRY:Well,thanks.Anyway,shehasadog,andIwilltellyouabout
thedog,andsheandherdogarethegatekeepersofmy
dwelling.Thewomanisbadenoughsheleansaroundinthe
entrancehall,spyingtoseethatIdon'tbringinthingsor
people,andwhenshe'shadhermidafternoonpintof
lemonflavouredginshealwaysstopsmeinthehall,andgrabs
aholdofmycoatormyarm,andshepressaherdisgusting
bodyupagainstmetokeepmeinacornersoshecantalkto
me.Thesmellofherbodyandherbreath...youcan'timagine
it...andsomewhere,somewhereinthebackofthatpeasized
brainofhers,anorgandevelopedjustenoughtolethereat,
drinkandemit,shehassomefoulparodyofsexualdesire.And
I,Peter,Iamtheobjectofhersweatylust.
PETER:That'sdisgusting.That's...horrible.
JERRY:ButIhavefoundawaytokeepheroff.Whenshetalkstome,
whenshepressesherselftomybodyandmumblesabouther
roomandhowIshouldcomethere,Imerelysay:but,Love

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wasn'tyesterdayenoughforyou,andthedaybefore?Then
shepuzzles,shemakesslitsofhertinyeyes,sheswaysalittle,
andthen,Peter...anditisatthismomentthatIthinkImight
bedoingsomegoodinthattormentedhouse...asimpleminded
smilebeginstoformonherunthinkableface,andshegiggles
andgroansasshethinksaboutyesterdayandthedaybefore
asshebelievesandreliveswhatneverhappened.Then,she
motionstothatblackmonsterofadogshehas,andshegoes
backtoherroom.AndIamsafeuntilournextmeeting.
PETER:It'sso...unthinkable.Ifindithardtobelievethatpeoplesuch
asthatreallyare.
JERRY:[lightlymocking]It'sforreadingabout,isn'tit?
PETER:[seriously]Yes.
JERRY:Andfactisbetterlefttofiction.You'reright,Peter.Well,
whatIhavebeenmeaningtotellyouaboutisthedogIshall,
now.
PETER:[nervously]Oh,yesthedog.
JERRY:Don'tgo.You'renotthinkingofgoing,areyou?
PETER:Well...no,Idontthinkso.
JERRY:[asiftoachild]becauseafterItellyouaboutthedog,
doyouknowwhatthen?Then...thenI'lltellyouaboutwhat
happenedatthezoo.
PETER:[laughingfaintly]You're...you'refullofstories,aren'tyou?
JERRY:Youdon'thavetolisten.Nobodyisholdingyouhere
rememberthat.Keepthatinyourmind.
PETER:[irritably]Iknowthat.
JERRY:Youdo?Good.
[Thefollowinglongspeech,itseemstome,shouldbedonewitha
greatdealofaction,toachieveahypnoticeffectonPeter,and
ontheaudiencetoo.Somespecificactionshavebeensuggested,
butthedirectorandtheactorplayingJERRYmightbestworkit
outforthemselves.]
ALLRIGHT.[Asifreadingfromahugebillboard]THESTORY
OFJERRYANDTHEDOG![Naturalagain]WhatIamgoingto
tellyouhassomethingtodowithhowsometimesit'snecessary
togoalongdistanceoutofthewayinordertocomebacka
shortdistancecorrectlyor,maybeIonlythinkthatithas
somethingtodowiththat.But,it'swhyIwenttothezoo
today,andwhyIwalkednorth...northerly,rather...untilI
camehere.Allright.Thedog,IthinkItoldyou,isablack
monsterofabeast:anoversizedhead,tiny,tinyears,andeyes
...bloodshot,infected,maybeandabodyyoucanseetheribs
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throughtheskin.Thedogisblack,allblackallblackexceptfor
thebloodshoteyes,and...yes...andanopensoreonits...
rightforepawthatisred,too.And,ohyesthepoormonster,
andIdobelieveit'sanolddog...it'scertainlyamisusedone...

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almostalwayshasanerection...ofsorts.That'sred,too.And
...whatelse?...oh,yesthere'sagreyyellowwhitecolour,too,
whenhebareshisfangs.Likethis:Grrrrrrr!Whichiswhathe
didwhenhesawmeforthefirsttime...thedayImovedin.I
worriedaboutthatanimaltheveryfirstminuteImethim.Now,
animalsdon'ttaketomelikeSaintFrancishadbirdshanging
offhimallthetime.WhatImeanis:animalsareindifferentto
me...likepeople[Hesmilesslightly]...mostofthetime.But
thisdogwasn'tindifferent.Fromtheverybeginninghe'dsnarl
andthengoforme,togetoneofmylegs.Notlikehewas
rabid,youknowhewassortofastumblydog,buthewasn't
halfassed,either.Itwasagood,stumblyrun,butIalwaysgot
away.Hegotapieceofmytrouserleg,look,youcanseeright
here,whereit'smendedhegotthattheseconddayIlived
therebut,Ikickedfreeandgotupstairsfast,sothatwasthat.
[Puzzles]Istilldon'tknowtothisdayhowtheotherroomers
manageit,butyouknowwhatIthink:Ithinkithadtodoonly
withme.Cosy.So.Anyway,thiswentonforoveraweek,
wheneverIcameinbutneverwhenIwentout.That'sfunny.
Or,itwasfunny.Icouldpackupandliveinthestreetforall
thedogcared.Well,Ithoughtaboutitupinmyroomoneday,
oneofthetimesafterI'dboltedupstairs,andImadeupmy
mind.Idecided:First,I'llkillthedogwithkindness,andifthat
doesn'twork...I'lljustkillhim.[PETERwinces.]Don'treact,
Peterjustlisten.So,thenextdayIwentoutandboughtabag
ofhamburgers,mediumrare,nocatsup,noonionandonthe
wayhomeIthrewawayalltherollsandkeptjustthemeat.
[Actionforthefollowing,perhaps.]
WhenIgotbacktotheroominghousethedogwaswaitingfor
me.Ihalfopenedthedoorthatledintotheentrancehall,and
therehewaswaitingforme.Itfigures.Iwentin,very
cautiously,andIhadthehamburgers,yourememberIopened
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thebag,andIsetthemeatdownabouttwelvefeetfromwhere
thedogwassnarlingatme.Likeso!Hesnarledstopped
snarlingsniffedmovedslowlythenfasterthenfastertowards
themeat.Well,whenhegottoithestopped,andhelookedat
me.Ismiledbuttentatively,youunderstand.Heturnedhisface
backtothehamburgers,smelled,sniffedsomemore,andthen...
RRRAAAAGGGGGHHHH,likethat...hetoreintothem.Itwas
asifhehadnevereatenanythinginhislifebefore,exceptlike
garbage.Whichmightverywellhavebeenthetruth.Idon't
thinkthelandladyevereatsanythingbutgarbage.But.Heate
allthehamburgers,almostallatonce,makingsoundsinhis
throatlikeawoman.Then,whenhe'dfinishedthemeat,the
hamburger,andtriedtoeatthepaper,too,hesatdownand
smiled.IthinkhesmiledIknowcatsdo.Itwasavery

Page11

gratifyingfewmoments.Then,BAM,hesnarledandmadefor
meagain.Hedidn'tgetmethistime,either.So,Igotupstairs,
andIlaydownonmybedandstartedtothinkaboutthedog
again.Tobetruthful,Iwasoffended,andIwasdamnmad,too.
Itwassixperfectlygoodhamburgerswithnotenoughporkin
themtomakeitdisgusting.Iwasoffended.But,afterawhile,I
decidedtotryitforafewmoredays.Ifyouthinkaboutit,this
doghadwhatamountedtoanantipathytowardsmereally.And,
IwonderedifImightn'tovercomethisantipathy.So,Itriedit
forfivemoredays,butitwasalwaysthesame:snarl,sniff
movefasterstaregobbleRAAGGGHHHsmilesnarlBAM.
Well,nowbythistimeColumbusAvenuewasstrewnwith
hamburgerrollsandIwaslessoffendedthandisgusted.So,I
decidedtokillthedog.
[PETERraisesahandinprotest.]
Oh,don'tbesoalarmed,PeterIdidn'tsucceed.Theday
ItriedtokillthedogIboughtonlyonehamburgerandwhat
Ithoughtwasamurderousportionofratpoison.WhenIbought
thehamburgerIaskedthemannottobotherwiththeroll,allI
wantedwasthemeat.Iexpectedsomereactionfromhim,like:
wedon'tsellnohamburgerswithoutrollsor,wha'd'yawanna
do,eatitout'ayahan's?Butnohesmiledbenignly,wrapped
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upthehamburgerinwaxedpaper,andsaid:Abiteforya
pussycat?Iwantedtosay:No,notreallyit'spartofaplanto
poisonadogIknow.But,youcan'tsay'adogIknow'without
soundingfunnysoIsaid,alittletooloud,I'mafraid,andtoo
formally:YES,ABITEFORMYPUSSYCAT.Peoplelookedup.
ItalwayshappenswhenItrytosimplifythingspeoplelookup.
Butthat'sneitherhithernorthither.So.Onmywaybacktothe
roominghouse,Ikneadedthehamburgerandtheratpoison
togetherbetweenmyhands,atthatpointfeelingasmuch
sadnessasdisgust.Iopenedthedoortotheentrancehall,and
therethemonsterwas,waitingtotaketheofferingandthen
jumpme.Poorbastardheneverlearnedthatthemomenthe
tooktosmilebeforehewentformegavemetimeenoughtoget
outofrange.BUT,therehewasmalevolencewithanerection,
waiting.Iputthepoisonpattydown,movedtowardsthestairs
andwatched.Thepooranimalgobbledthefooddownasusual,
smiled,whichmademealmostsick,andthen,BAM.But,I
sprintedupthestairs,asusual,andthedogdidn'tgetme,as
usual.ANDITCAMETOPASSTHATTHEBEASTWAS
DEATHLYILL.Iknewthisbecausehenolongerattendedme,
andbecausethelandladysoberedup.Shestoppedmeinthehall
thesameeveningoftheattemptedmurderandconfidedthe
informationthatGodhadstruckherpuppydogasurelyfatal
blow.Shehadforgottenherbewilderedlust,andhereyeswere

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wideopenforthefirsttime.Theylookedlikethedog'seyes.
Shesniveledandimploredmetoprayfortheanimal.Iwanted
tosaytoher:Madam,Ihavemyselftoprayfor,thecoloured
queen,thePuertoRicanfamily,thepersoninthefrontroom
whomI'veneverseen,thewomanwhocriesdeliberatelybehind
hercloseddoor,andtherestofthepeopleinallroominghouses,
everywherebesides,Madam,Idon'tunderstandhowtopray.
But...tosimplifythings...ItoldherIwouldpray.Shelooked
up.ShesaidthatIwasaliar,andthatIprobablywantedthe
dogtodie.Itoldher,andtherewassomuchtruthhere,thatI
didn'twantthedogtodie.Ididn't,andnotjustbecauseI'd
poisonedhim.I'mafraidthatImusttellyouIwantedthedogto
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livesothatIcouldseewhatournewrelationshipmightcome
to.
[PETERindicateshisincreasingdispleasureandslowlygrowing
antagonism.]
Pleaseunderstand,Peterthatsortofthingisimportant.You
mustbelievemeitisimportant.Wehavetoknowtheeffectofour
actions.[Anotherdeepsigh.]Well,anywaythedogrecovered.
Ihavenoideawhy,unlesshewasadescendantofthepuppythat
guardedthegatesofhellorsomesuchresort.I'mnotuponmy
mythology.[Hepronouncesthewordmythology.]Areyou?
[PETERsetstothinking,butJERRYgoeson.]
Atanyrate,andyou'vemissedtheeightthousanddollar
question,Peteratanyrate,thedogrecoveredhishealthandthe
landladyrecoveredherthirst,innowayalteredbythe
bowwow'sdeliverance.WhenIcamehomefromamoviethat
wasplayingonFortysecondStreet,amovieI'dseen,orone
thatwasverymuchlikeoneorseveralI'dseen,afterthe
landladytoldmepuppykinswasbetter,Iwassohopingforthe
dogtobewaitingforme.Iwas...well,howwouldyouputit...
enticed?...fascinated?...no,Idon'tthinkso...
heartshatteringlyanxious,that'sit:Iwasheartshatteringly
anxioustoconfrontmyfriendagain.
[PETERreactsscoffingly.]
Yes,Peterfriend.That'stheonlywordforit.Iwas
heartshatteringlyetceteratoconfrontmydoggyfriendagain.I
cameinthedoorandadvanced,unafraid,tothecenterofthe
entrancehall.Thebeastwasthere...lookingatme.And,you
know,helookedbetterforhisscrapewiththenevermind.I
stoppedIlookedathimhelookedatme.Ithink...Ithinkwe
stayedalongtimethatway...still,stonestatue...justlooking
atoneanother.Ilookedmoreintohisfacethanhelookedinto
mine.Imean,Icanconcentratelongeratlookingintoadog's
facethanadogcanconcentrateatlookingintomine,orinto

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anybodyelse'sface,forthatmatter.Butduringthattwenty
secondsortwohoursthatwelookedintoeachother'sface,we
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madecontact.Now,hereiswhatIhadwantedtohappen:Iloved
thedognow,andIwantedhimtoloveme.Ihadtriedtolove,
andIhadtriedtokill,andbothhadbeenunsuccessfulby
themselves.Ihoped...andIdon'treallyknowwhyIexpected
thedogtounderstandanything,muchlessmymotivations...I
hopedthatthedogwouldunderstand.
[PETERseemstobehypnotized]
It'sjust...it'sjustthat...[JERRYisabnormallytense,now.]...
it'sjustthatifyoucan'tdealwithpeople,youhavetomakea
startsomewhere.WITHANIMALS![Muchfasternow,andlike
aconspirator]Don'tyousee.?Apersonhastohavesomewayof
dealingwithSOMETHING.Ifnotwithpeople...SOMETHING.
Withabed,withacockroach,withamirror...no,that'stoo
hard,that'soneofthelaststeps.Withacockroach,witha...
witha...withacarpet,arolloftoiletpaper...no,notthat,
either...that'samirror,tooalwayscheckbleeding.Yousee
howharditistofindthings?Withastreetcorner,andtoo
manylights,allcoloursreflectingontheoilywetstreets...with
awispofsmoke,awisp...ofsmoke...with...withporno.
graphicplayingcards,withastrongbox...WITHOUTA
LOCK...withlove,withvomiting,withcrying,withfury
becausetheprettylittleladiesaren'tprettylittleladies,with
makingmoneywithyourbodywhichisanactofloveandI
couldproveit,withhowlingbecauseyou'realivewithGod.
Howaboutthat?WITHGODWHOISACOLOUREDQUEEN
WHOWEARSAKIMONOANDPLUCKSHISEYEBROWS!
WHOISAWOMANWHOCRIESWITHDETERMINATION
BEHINDHERCLOSEDDOOR...withGodwho,I'mtold,turned
hisbackonthewholethingsometimeago...with...someday,
withpeople.[JERRYsighsthenextwordheavily.]People.With
anideaaconcept.Andwherebetter,whereeverbetterinthis
humiliatingexcuseforajail,wherebettertocommunicateone
single,simplemindedideathaninanentrancehall?Where?It
wouldbeASTART!Wherebettertomakeabeginning...to
understandandjustpossiblybeunderstood...abeginningofan
understanding,thanwith...
[HereJERRYseemstofallintoalmostgrotesquefatigue]
...thanwithADOG.Justthatadog.
[Herethereisasilencethatmightbeprolongedforamoment
orsothenJERRYwearilyfinisheshisstory.]Adog.Itseemed
likeaperfectlysensibleidea.Manisadog'sbestfriend,remember.
So:thedogandIlookedateachother.Ilongerthanthedog.
AndwhatIsawthenhasbeenthesameeversince.Whenever
thedogandIseeeachotherwebothstopwhereweare.We

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Page14

regardeachotherwithamixtureofsadnessandsuspicion,and
thenwefeignindifference.Wewalkpasteachothersafelywe
haveanunderstanding.It'sverysad,butyou'llhavetoadmit
thatitisanunderstanding.Wehadmademanattemptsat
contact,andwehadfailed.Thedoghasreturnedtogarbage,and
Itosolitarybutfreepassage.Ihavenotreturned.Imeanto
say,Ihavegain6dsolitaryfreepassage,ifthatmuchfurther
losscanbesaidtobegain.Ihavelearnedthatneitherkindness
norcrueltybythemselves,independentofeachother,createsany
effectbeyondthemselvesandIhavelearnedthatthetwo
combined,together,atthesametime,aretheteachingemotion.
Andwhatisgainedisloss.Andwhathasbeentheresult:the
dogandIhaveattainedacompromisemoreofabargain,really.
Weneitherlovenorhurtbecausewedonottrytoreacheach
other.And,wastryingtofeedthedoganactoflove?And,
perhaps,wasthedog'sattempttobitemenotanactoflove?If
wecansomisunderstand,wellthen,whyhaveweinventedthe
wordloveinthefirstplace?
[Thereissilence.JERRYmovestoPeter'sbenchanditsdownbeside
him.ThisisthefirsttimeJERRYhassatdownduringtheplay.]
TheStoryofJerryandtheDog:theend.
[PETERissilent.]
Well,Peter?[JERRYissuddenlycheerful.]Well,Peter?Doyou
thinkIcouldsellthatstorytotheReader'sDigestandmakea
coupleofhundredbucksforTheMostUnforgettableCharacter
I'veeverMet,Huh?
[JERRYisanimated,butPETERisdisturbed.]
Oh,comeonnow,Petertellmewhatyouthink.
PETER:[numb]I...Idon'tunderstandwhat...Idon'tthinkI...
[Nowalmosttearfully]Whydidyoutellmeallofthis?
JERRY:Whynot?
PETER:IDON'TUNDERSTAND!
JERRY:[furious,butwhispering]That'salie.
PETER:No.No,it'snot.
JERRY:[quietly]ItriedtoexplainittoyouasIwentalong.Iwent
slowlyitallhastodowith...
PETER:IDONTWANTTOHEARANYMORE.Idon'tunderstand
you,oryourlandlady,orherdog....
JERRY:Herdog!Ithoughtitwasmy...No.No,you'reright.Itis
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herdog.[LooksatPETERinintently,shakinghishead.]Idon't
knowwhatIwasthinkingaboutofcourseyoudon't
understand.[Inamonotone,wearily]Idon'tliveinyourblock
I'mnotmarriedtotwoparakeets,orwhateveryoursetupis.I
amapermanenttransient,andmyhomeisthesickening
roominghousesontheWestSideofNewYorkCity,whichis
thegreatestcityIntheworld.Amen.

Page15

PETER:I'm...I'msorryIdidn'tmeanto...
JERRY:Forgetit.Isupposeyoudon'tquiteknowwhattomakeofme,
eh?
PETER:[ajoke]Wegetallkindsinpublishing.[Chuckles.]
JERRY:You'reafunnyman.[Heforcesalaugh.]Youknowthat?
You'reavery...arichlycomicperson.
PETER:[modestly,butamused]Oh,now,notreally.[Stillchuckling.]
JERRY:Peter,doIannoyyou,orconfuseyou?
PETER:[lightly]Well,Imustconfessthatthiswasn'tthekindof
afternoonI'danticipated.
JERRY:YOUmean,I'mnotthegentlemanyouwereexpecting.
PETER:Iwasn'texpectinganybody.
JERRY:No,Idon'timagineyouwere.ButI'mhere,andI'mnot
leaving.
PETER:[consultinghiswatch]Well,youmaynotbe,butImustbe
gettinghomesoon.
JERRY:Oh,comeonstayawhilelonger.
PETER:Ireallyshouldgethomeyousee...
JERRY:[ticklesPeter'sribswithhisfingers]Oh,comeon.
PETER:[heisveryticklishasJERRYcontinuestoticklehimhis
voicebecomesfalsetto.]No,I...OHHHH!Dontdothat.Stop,
Stop.Ohhh,no,no.
JERRY:Oh,comeon.
PETER:[asJERRYtickles]Oh,hee,hee,hee.Imustgo.
I...hee,hee,hee.Afterall,stop,stop,hee,hee,hee,afterall,
theparakeetswillbegettingdinnerreadysoon.Hee,hee.And
thecatsaresettingthetable.Stop,stop,and,and...
[Heisbesidehimselfnow.]...andwe'rehaving...hee,hee...
uh...ho,ho,ho.
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[JERRYstopsticklingPeter,butthecombinationofticklingandhis
ownmadwhimsyhasPETERlaughingalmosthysterically.As
hislaughtercontinues,thensubsides,JERRYwatcheshim,with
acuriousfixedsmile.]
JERRY:Peter?
PETER:Oh,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha.What?What?
JERRY:Listen,now.
PETER:Oh,ho,ho.What...whatisit,Jerry?Oh,my.
JERRY:[mysteriously]Peter,doyouwanttoknowwhat
happenedatthezoo?
PETER:Ah,ha,ha.Thewhat?Oh,yesthezoo.Oh,ho,ho.
Well,Ihadmyownzoothereforamomentwith...hee,hee,
theparakeetsgettingdinnerready,andthe...ha,ha,whatever
itwas,the...
JERRY:[calmly]Yes,thatwasveryfunny,Peter.Iwouldn'thave
expectedit.Butdoyouwanttohearaboutwhathappenedat
thezoo,ornot?

Page16

PETER:Yes.Yes,byallmeanstellmewhathappenedatthezoo.
Oh,my.Idon'tknowwhathappenedtome.
JERRY:NowI'llletyouinonwhathappenedatthezoobut
first,IshouldtellyouwhyIwenttothezoo.Iwenttothezooto
findoutmoreaboutthewaypeopleexistwithanimals,andtheway
animalsexistwitheachother,andwithpeopletoo.Ttprobably
wasn'tafairtest,whatwitheveryoneseparatedbybarsfrom
everyoneelse,theanimalsforthemostpartfromeachother,
andalwaysthepeoplefromtheanimals.But,ifit'sazoo,
that'sthewayitis.[HepokesPeteronthearm.]Moveover.
PETER:[friendly]I'msorry,haven'tyouenoughroom?
[Heshiftsalittle.]
JERRY:[smilingslightly]Well,alltheanimalsarethere,and
allthepeoplearethere,andit'sSundayandallthechildren
arethere.
[HepokesPeteragain.]Moveover.
PETER:[patiently,stillfriendly]Allright.[Hemovessomemore,
andJERRYhasalltheroomhemightneed.]
JERRY:Andit'sahotday,soallthestenchisthere,too,and
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alltheballoonsellers,andalltheicecreamsellers,andall
thesealsarebarking,andallthebirdsarescreaming.
[PokesPeterharder.]Moveover!
PETER:[beginningtobeannoyed]Lookhere,youhavemore
thanenoughroom![Buthemovesmore,andisnowfairly
crampedatoneendofthebench.]
JERRY:AndIamthere,andit'sfeedingtimeatthelion's
house,andthelionkeepercomesintothelioncage,oneofthe
lioncages,tofeedoneofthelions.
[PunchesPeteronthearm,hard.]MOVEOVER!
PETER:[veryannoyed]Ican'tmoveoveranymore,
andstophittingme.What'sthematterwithyou?
JERRY:Doyouwanttohearthestory?
[PunchesPeter'sarmagain.]
PETER:[flabbergasted]I'mnotsosure!Icertainlydon't
wanttobepunchedinthearm.
JERRY:[punchesPeter'sarmagain]Likethat?
PETER:Stopit.What'sthematterwithyou?
JERRY:I'mcrazy,youbastard.
PETER:Thatisn'tfunny.
JERRY:Listentome,Peter.Iwantthisbench.Yougosit
onthebenchoverthere,andifyou'regoodI'lltellyouthe
restofthestory.
PETER:[flustered]But...whateverfor?Whatisthematter
withyou?Besides,IseenoreasonwhyIshouldgiveup
thisbench.IsitonthisbenchalmosteverySundayafternoon,
ingoodweather.It'ssecludedherethere'sneveranyonesitting

Page17

here,soIhaveitalltomyself.
JERRY:[softly]Getoffthisbench,PeterIwantit.
PETER:[almostwhining]:No.
JERRY:IsaidIwantthisbench,andI'mgoingtohaveit
Nowgetoverthere.
PETER:Peoplecan'thaveeverythingtheywant.Youshould
knowthatit'sarulepeoplecanhavesomeofthethings
theywant,buttheycan'thaveeverything.
JERRY:[laughs]Imbecile!You'reslowwitted!
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PETER:Stopthat!
JERRY:You'reavegetable!Goliedownontheground.
PETER:[intense]Nowyoulistentome.I'veputupwithyou
allafternoon.
JERRY:Notreally.
PETER:LONGENOUGH.I'veputupwithyoulongenough.
I'velistenedtoyoubecauseyouseemed...well,because
Ithoughtyouwantedtotalktosomebody.
JERRY:Youputthingswelleconomically,and,yet...
oh,whatisthewordIwanttoputjusticetoyour...JESUS,
youmakemesick...getoffhereandgivememybench.
PETER:MYBENCH!
JERRY:[pushesPeteralmost,butnotquite,offthebench]
Getoutofmysight.
I
PETER:[regaininghisposition]Godda...mnyou.That's
enough!I'vehadenoughofyou.Iwillnotgiveupthisbench
youcan'thaveit,andthat'sthat.Now,goaway.
[JERRYsnortsbutdoesnotmow.]Goaway,Isaid.
[JERRYdoesnotmove.]Getawayfromhere.Ifyoudon't
moveon...you'reabum...that'swhatyouare....Ifyou
don'tmoveon,I'llgetapolicemanhereandmakeyougo.
[JERRYlaughs,stays.]Iwarnyou,I'llcallapoliceman.
JERRY:[softly]Youwon'tfindapolicemanaroundhere
they'realloveronthewestsideoftheparkchasingfairies
downfromtreesoroutofthebushes.That'salltheydo.
That'stheirfunction.Soscreamyourheadoffitwon'tdo
youanygood.
PETER:POLICE!Iwarnyou,I'llhaveyouarrested.POLICE!
[Pause.]IsaidPOLICE![Pause.]Ifeelridiculous.
JERRY:Youlookridiculous:agrownmanscreaming
forthepoliceonabrightSundayafternoonintheparkwith
nobodyharmingyou.Ifapolicemandidfillhisquotaand
comesludgingoverthiswayhe'dprobablytakeyouin
asanut.
PETER:[withdisgustandimpotence]:GreatGod,Ijust
cameheretoread,andnowyouwantmetogiveupthe
bench.You'remad.

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JERRY:Hey,Igotnewsforyou,astheysay.I'monyour
preciousbench,andyou'renevergoingtohaveitfor
yourselfagain.
PETER:[furious]Look,yougetoffmybench.Idon'tcare
ifitmakesanysenseornot.Iwantthisbenchtomyself
IwantyouOFFIT!
JERRY[mocking]:Aw...lookwho'smad.
PETER:GETOUT!
JERRY:No.
PETER:IWARNYOU!
JERRY:Doyouknowhowridiculousyoulooknow?
PETER:[hisfuryandselfconsciousnesshavepossessed
him]Itdoesn'tmatter.[Heisalmostcrying.]GETAWAY
FROMMYBENCH!
JERRY:Why?Youhaveeverythingintheworldyouwant
you'vetoldmeaboutyourhome,andyourfamily,andyour
ownlittlezoo.Youhaveeverything,andnowyouwantthis
bench.Arethesethethingsmenfightfor?Tellme,Peter,
isthisbench,thisironandthiswood,isthisyourhonour?
Isthisthethingintheworldyou'dfightfor?Canyouthink
ofanythingmoreabsurd?
PETER:Absurd?Look,I'mnotgoingtotalktoyouabout
honour,oreventrytoexplainittoyou.Besides,itisn't
aquestionofhonourbutevenifitwere,youwouldn't
understand.
JERRY:[contemptuously]Youdon'tevenknowwhat
you'resaying,doyou?Thisisprobablythefirsttimein
yourlifeyou'vehadanythingmoretryingtofacethan
changingyourcats'toiletbox.Stupid!Don'tyouhave
anyidea,noeventheslightest,whatotherpeopleneed?
PETER:Oh,boy,listentoyouwell,youdon'tneedthis
bench.That'sforsure.
JERRY:Yesyes,Ido.
PETER:[quivering]I'vecomehereforyearsIhave
hoursofgreatpleasure,greatsatisfaction,righthere.
Andthat'simportanttoaman.I'maresponsibleperson,
andI'maGROWNUP.Thisismybench,andyouhave
norighttotakeitawayfromme.
JERRY:Fightforit,then.Defendyourselfdefendyour
bench.
PETER:You'vepushedmetoit.Getupandfight.
JERRY:Likeaman?
PETER:[stillangry]Yes,likeaman,ifyouinsiston
mockingmeevenfurther.
JERRY:I'llhavetogiveyoucreditforonething:
youareavegetable,andaslightlynearsightedone,
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Ithink...
PETER:THAT'SENOUGH....
JERRY:...but,youknow,astheysayonTVallthetime
youknowandImeanthis,Peter,youhaveacertain
dignityitsurprisesme....
PETER:STOP!
JERRY:[riseslazily]:Verywell,Peter,we'llbattlefor
thebench,butwe'renotevenlymatched.[Hetakesout
andclicksopenanuglylookingknife.]
PETER:[suddenlyawakeningtotherealityofthesituation]
Youaremad!You'restarkravingmad!YOU'REGOINGTO
KILLME!
[ButbeforePeterhastimetothinkwhattodo,
JERRYtossestheknifeatPeter'sfeet.]
JERRY:Thereyougo.Pickitup.Youhavetheknife
andwe'llbemoreevenlymatched.
PETER:[horrified]No!
[JERRYrushesovertoPeter,grabshimbythecollar
PETERrisestheirfacesalmosttouch.]
JERRY:Nowyoupickupthatknifeandyoufightwithme.
Youfightforyourselfrespectyoufightforthatgoddamned
bench.
PETER:[struggling]No!Let...letgoofme!He...Help!
JERRY:[slapsPeteroneach"fight"]Youfight,youmiserable
bastardfightforthatbenchfightforyourparakeetsfightfor
yourcatsfightforyourtwodaughtersfightforyourwife
fightforyourmanhood,youpatheticlittlevegetable.
[SpitsinPeter'sface]Youcouldn'tevengetyourwife
withamalechild.
PETER:[breaksaway,enraged]It'samatterofgenetics,not
manhood,you...youmonster.[Hedartsdown,picksupthe
knifeandbacksofalittlebreathingheavily.]I'llgiveyouone
lastchancegetoutofhereandleavemealone![Heholdsthe
knifewithafirmarm,butfarinfrontofhim,nottoattack,butto
defend]
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JERRY:[sighsheavily]Sobeit!
[WitharushhechargesPeterandimpaleshimselfontheknife.
Tableau:Forjustamoment,completesilence,JERRYimpaled
ontheknifeattheendofPeter'sstillfirmarm.ThenPETER
screams,pullsaway,leavingtheknifeinJERRY.JERRYis
motionless,onpoint.Thenhe,too,screams,anditmustbethe
soundofaninfuriatedandfatallywoundedanimal.Withthe
knifeinhim,hestumblesbacktothebenchthatPeterhad
Dacated.Hecrumblesthere,sitting,facingPeter,hiseyeswide
inagony,hismouthopen.]
PITTER:[whispering]OhmyGod,ohmyGod,ohmyGod...

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[PETERrepeatsthesewordsmanytimes,veryrapidly.JERRYis
dyingbutnowhisexpressionseemstochange.Hisfeatures
relax,andwhilehisvoicevaries,sometimeswrenchedwith
pain,forthemostpartheseemsremovedfromhisdying.He
smiles.]
JERRY:Thankyou,Peter.Imeanthat,nowthankyouverymuch.
[PETER'Smouthdropsopen.Hecannotmoveheis
transfixed.]Oh,Peter,IwassoafraidI'ddriveyouaway.[He
laughsasbesthecan.]Youdon'tknowhowafraidIwasyou'd
goawayandleaveme.AndnowI'lltellyouwhathappenedat
thezoo.Ithink...Ithinkthisiswhathappenedatthezoo...I
think.IthinkthatwhileIwasatthezooIdecidedthatIwould
walknorth...northerly,rather...untilIfoundyou...or
somebody...andIdecidedthatIwouldtalktoyou...Iwould
tellyouthings...andthingsthatIwouldtellyouwould...
Well,hereweare.Yousee?Hereweare.But...Idon'tknow
...couldIhaveplannedallthis?No...no,Icouldn'thave.
ButIthinkIdid.AndnowI'vetoldyouwhatyouwantedtoknow,
haven'tI?Andnowyouknowallaboutwhathappenedatthe
zoo.Andnowyouknowwhatyou'llseeinyourTV,andthe
faceItoldyouabout...youremember...thefaceItoldyou
about...myface,thefaceyouseerightnow.Peter...Peter?...
Peter...thankyou.Icameuntoyou[Helaughs,sofaintly.]and
youhavecomfortedme.DearPeter.
PETER:[almostfainting]OhmyGod!
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JERRY:You'dbettergonow.Somebodymightcomeby,and
youdon'twanttobeherewhenanyonecomes.
PETER:[doesnotmove,butbeginstoweep]OhmyGod,
ohmyGod.
JERRY:[mostfaintly,nowheisveryneardeath]:Youwon't
becomingbackhereanymore,Peteryou'vebeendispossessed.
You'velostyourbench,butyou'vedefendedyourhonour.And
Peter,I'lltellyousomethingnowyou'renotreallyavegetable
it'sallright,you'reananimal.You'reananimal,too.Butyou'd
betterhurrynow,Peter.Hurry,you'dbettergo...see?[JERRY
takesahandkerchiefandwithgreateffortandpainwipesthe
knifehandlecleanoffingerprints.]Hurryaway,Peter.[PETER
beginstostaggeraway.]Wait...wait,Peter.Takeyourbook...
book.Righthere...besideme...onyourbench...mybench,
rather.Come...takeyourbook.[PETERstartsforthebook,but
retreats.]Hurry...Peter.[PETERrushestothebench,grabs
thebook,retreats.]Verygood,Peter...verygood.Now...
hurryaway.[PETERhesitatesforamoment,thenflees,
stageleft.]Hurryaway...[Hiseyesareclosednow.]Hurry
away,yourparakeetsaremakingthedinner...thecats...are
settingthetable...

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PETER:[offstage,apitifulhowl]OHMYGOD!
JERRY:[hiseyesstillclosed,heshakeshisheadandspeak
acombinationofscornfulmimicryandsupplication]Oh...my...
God.[Heisdead.]
CURTAIN

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