On the count of three.

One, two, three!

Try the ring toss. Three for a quarter.
Look how easy it is.
There you go, a winner!
And now, for my shocking finale.
Not for the squeamish.
Not for the faint of heart.
I call my trick "The Jaws of Death. "
Now. Say it. Say it.
Harold, use your awesome might
to save me from this hopeless plight.
No harm will come to you.
Alakazam!
Help me! Help me!
I'm going to be an actress.
Hard to believe it was last Christmas...
...that me and Harmony
changed the world.
And we didn't mean to.
And it didn't last long, you know.
A thing like that can't.
Now that I'm in L.A., I go to parties.
The kind where if a girl is named Jill...
...she spells it J-Y-L-L-E, that bullshit.
That's me there. My name's
Harry Lockhart, I'll be your narrator.
Welcome to L.A.
Welcome to the party.
The guy smoking, that's Dabney Shaw,
my producer. He discovered me.
The man with him is Perry Van Shrike,
a.k.a. Gay Perry.
Honest-to-God private eye,
consults in film, TV. Just incorporated.
He's bigtime. Also, he's gay.
Don't start, Perry, huh?
I seen you play ball. You're tough.
But you see a naked guy...
...your brain says, "I want that. "
I don't make that leap. It's like,
"Look, there's an elephant. Quick...
...let's drain its blood
to paint my boathouse. "
It's just that that's not the first thing
you think of.
L.A.
By now you may wonder
how I wound up here, or maybe not.
Maybe you wonder how Silly Putty
picks shit up from comic books.
Point is, I don't see another
goddamn narrator, so pipe down.
How did I get here? See for yourself.
Chloe, just run the name by me
one more time...
...because I must be
missing something.
I'm going nuts.
I've been through the store three times.

Cyber Agent. C-Y-B-EWhy don't you ask...

- ... an employee or something?
- No, they're all busy.
"Protocop, protector of man. "
Is that it? Protocop? He protects men.
Uncle Harry, look around.
There are signs.
That show was cancelled two years ago.
Just ask- Wait, are they even open?
Yeah, it's holiday hours. LookGet away from the window.
I gotta go, but I'll find this.
- Great.
- Shit, Harry, that shit went wrong!
- Give me the gun!
- No. Give me the bullets!
Freeze!
- You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- We'll stand here and wait for the police.
Drop the gun. We didn't do anything.
We are not dangerous. Drop the gun.
- Hey, lady, gun is not loaded- Richie, no!
Richie!
Shit!
Oh, boy.
Take it easy.
Jesus. Oh, no, no.
We're not ready for you yet, sir.
- Go wait with the others.
- Grace, do me a favor, let's take him.
- He's ready. You're ready?
- Ready?
Okay, come on.
You know the setup?
Got any questions?
He's got no questions.
Look at him. Let's go.
Let's read.
- Where is he? Where's Raphael?
- Where is he?
Where's-?
Beat up on me all night. You want me
to give up my partner, you can go spit.
Quit acting like the good guy,
jerk-off.
You got your partner killed.
He was in over his head,
you knew it.
You may as well
have pulled the trigger.
You killed him!
No, I didn't- I didn't kill him.
He wanted in.
Why-?
Why?!
I didn't want him to come in on it.
He insisted.
I said, "Stay at home. " But he doesn't

listen. He's such a stupid son of a bitch.

I killed him, didn't I?
Oh, fuck, this is my fault. I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, good luck.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
Old school. Method.
- Studio.
- Brando. Put this in the pouch to L.A.
Get Gay Perry on the phone.
Now, get this, they're screen-testing me.
Is that wild?
One minute, I'm boosting Xboxes
in the East Village...
...the next,
I'm sipping champagne in L.A.
- Hi.
- Hey.
So, what do you do?
I'm retired.
I invented dice when I was a kid.
- How about you?
- I do a little acting.
I'm gonna see who else is here.
Anyway, that's how I got to the party.
Now, Harmony, different story.
Some will tell you she got here
on account of the giant robot.
I'll show you that in a minute.
But for me, robot-schmobot,
she was destined to be here.
Jeez, look at those stems, will you?
Not that that's what constitutes
why she should be here.
Yes, racist. I'm serious.
The other reindeer laughed at him.
Then, out of the blue, they need him.
He's as good as a fog light
or whatever.
You know what, so you tell me,
how is it any different than:
"Don't talk to Reggie, he's black.
Oh, wait, he can play basketball.
Sign him up. "
Rudolph, Reggie.
Harmony Faith Lane was your typical
L.A. girl, she wasn't from there.
She grew up in a burg
in southern Indiana.
"When in doubt, cut up a pig. "
That was the town motto.
Like most soon-to-be-fucked-up girls,
Harmony was wicked smart.
Of course, credit where credit's due...
...she had a terrific mentor.
No, not her.
Him.
"'Go to hell, Jonny Gossamer!'
She poured herself
into a seamless dress.

From the looks of it,

she spilled some. "
Jonny spoke from the pages
of cheap paperbacks...
...and told of a promised land
known as "the Coast"...
...and a magical city
called Los Angeles.
As the years progressed,
she wished he was real.
Wished that he would come to Indiana
to save her little sister, Jenna.
You see, Papa was at her
night after night.
But Jonny never showed.
And then the guy
writing the books died.
Age 16, she split.
Took the bus to L.A.,
the promised land.
She'd get rich and famous
and then help little sis.
Before he died...
...the guy who wrote the books
said Jonny was a joke.
He wrote it for money,
and it was bullshit.
Harmony ignored this. She knew better.
I mean, who the hell was he?
He was just a writer.
And that's how she got
to the same party as meOh, shit. I skipped something.
Damn it. This robot bit.
I made a big deal, then I forgot.
Fuck, bad narrating.
Like my dad telling a joke.
"Oh, wait, back up. I forgot to tell you
the cowboy rode a blue horse. " Fuck.
I don't know if you want to see it now,
but here's the fucking robot stuff.
Can I say "fuck" more?
Now back to Protocop,
starring Jeff Neal.
What the-?
Oh, my God.
Hey!
Sources close to Neal, who has not
worked as an actor in two years...
...say he seemed despondent
earlier tonight...
...during a rerun of Protocop.
The actor, who still retains a costume
he wore on the show...
...allegedly dressed up...
...stumbled down the bike path and
wandered into this Venice Beach house...
...where aspiring actress Harmony Faith
Lane was shocked to discover him.
I'd jog by, "Hi, hello, " you know,

that sort of thing.

- Who's this?
- I feel for the guy.
This city can't get enough
of messing with people.
Like putting a whoopee cushion
on the seat of an electric chair.
- Like that.
- They always do this.
You can never see below the waist.
It's like a Playmate in 1964.
It was always behind the bedpost
or there's a shadow. You neverWhat am I telling you for?
Invite her to something.
And there it was. Bingo.
Destiny.
You know what,
you better be her doctor.
Walk away. Don't think, just do it.
What, are you her brother or something?
It's none of your business, man.
- I will fuck you up.
- No, you'll try.
And that little experiment
will end in tears, my friend.
So again, for the cheap seats,
do not think, walk the fuck away.
Or let's you and me
go outside right now.
It's past my bedtime.
Make a choice.
Asshole.
You all right?
Yeah.
Thanks, bro.
One day,
I'll actually learn how to fight.
- Perry Van Shrike.
- Hey. Harry Lockhart.
I heard about you. You're
the whatchamacallit, the consultant.
- You must be- Anyway...
- Gay Perry?
Yeah. Right.
Dabney calls you that.
- I guess you guys are old buddies.
- Five years.
Wow, five years.
- Still gay?
- Me? No.
I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the
name so much, I can't get rid of it.
You should know better than to fall
asleep at a party. There's freaks here.
Dabney wants you
to take detective lessons.
- Come again?
- For your acting.
I've got surveillance tomorrow.

You game?
What's the person like? Crime lord?
Please. I'm guessing some sad,
lonely little man...
...who single-handedly haunts his own
home in the Hollywood Hills.
That was incredibly gay.
- Good God. Ouch.
- Yeah, you should see the other guy.
Harry, this is our generous host,
Harlan Dexter.
Ah, yes, of course. You're Dabney's
golden boy from back East.
I hope it isn't past your bedtime.
No, sir. My mom used to say
I had the neon disease.
When the neon lights came on,
I woke up.
I'm afraid I'm similarly afflicted.
My daughter just lived 10 years in Paris.
She says it is heaven
for the vampire set.
If you'll excuse me, apparently I'm
meant to help cut this monstrosity.
Mom's gone, so it's just him
and his born-again little bundle of joy.
- Born-again? That's precious.
- Isn't it?
Three months ago, she was suing him
over Mom's millions.
He called her a- Well, a bad word.
Cunt. Welcome to Hollywood.
Okay, I apologize.
That is a terrible scene.
It's like, "Why was that in the movie?
Gee, you think maybe
it'll come back later, maybe?"
I hate that. A TV's on,
talking about the new power plant.
Wonder where the climax will happen.
Or that shot of the cook in
Hunt for Red October. Sorry.
Hi, thank you for coming.
Hey, do you know that blond gal
who just left?
Oh, the one with the guy
that beat the shit out of you? No.
Bye, have a better night.
She had something, that gal,
this quality.
Like the girl from high school...
...the one that got away. You know
what I mean? That haunts you still.
- Yeah, I had that.
- You did?
Bobby Mills.
Well, maybe you should
try to get in touch.
I got 5 bucks says
you could still get him.

Really? That's funny.

I got a 10 says, "Pass the pepper. "
I got two quarters harmonizing on
"Moonlight in Vermont. "
- What?
- Talking money.
- A talking monkey?
- Talking monkey, yeah.
Came here from the future.
Ugly sucker. Only says, "Ficus. "
Detective lessons tomorrow.
- Don't forget.
- Okay.
And Harry...
Come here.
That girl, I know her.
She's done some work for me.
Try the Domino Room.
Where's that?
- Hey there. I'm Flicka.
- Hey.
- How are you?
- Good. So, what do you do?
- I'm a private detective. And you?
- I'm a stewardess.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Well, nice to meet you.
- That it?
- Yeah.
- Yep.
Could I have a Jack and soda? Thanks.
Evening. Harry.
God, I'm sore.
I mean, physically, not like a guy
who's angry in a movie in the 1950s.
- Didn't I see you at a party hours ago?
- Why?
- Why what?
- Why me?
Seriously, why not the girl over there?
Look, she's very pretty.
Which one?
On the left,
next to Brazilian Billy Bob Thornton.
Oh, that's a bit of a reach.
I'm interrupting. I feel badly.
What are you drinking?
- Bad.
- Bad? Sorry?
- You feel bad.
- Bad?
"Badly" is an adverb. To say you
feel badly says that the mechanism...
- ...which allows you to feel is broken.
- Well, that one over there?
Between- Oh, God, nix, nix. That's- The blond. The blond's pathetic.
- Because?
For starters, she's been fucked

more times than she's had hot meals.

I heard. It was neck and neck,
and then she skipped lunch.
- Worst thing, though...
- Do tell.
Worst thing is she's 35 years old
and still trying to act.
I see her at auditions all the time.
- It's over, baby. You missed.
- That's charitable of you.
May I ask how old you are?
- Go for it.
- Okay, how old are you?
- Thirty-four.
- Yeah?
- I'm a baby.
- Where's your buddy? The guy you- The guy you left the party with?
- He's a fucking asshole.
I just needed a ride.
Sorry, I swear a lot.
- I know. It's okay.
- Did you know the host?
- No.
- He looked familiar, though.
Probably an actor.
Go away, Mr. Fly.
- I was talking to your friend.
- She doesn't want to talk to you.
Sunshine, she'll be back to you
in a minute. Relax.
She doesn't have a minute.
Tell you what, if you change your mind
about that drink...
...I'll be over there
with Native American Joe Pesci.
- You are so...
- That was good, right?
Why are you humoring him? Stop it.
You know what,
there's an empty table over there.
I hear it's a recommended
cheeseball hangout.
Your mouth is a recommended place
to put a sock.
Princess. Scary friend.
Goddamn it.
Harry Lockhart, are you gonna
recognize me or what?
God! Embrey, Indiana!
Loves snakes, afraid of spiders.
Come on, remember?
You were Amazing Harry- No, no, no. Harold the Great.
- Harmony?
You cut me in half, remember?
Oh, shit. Oh, my God. How are you?
Okay, I was a bad narrator again...
...because the kid at the beginning,
the magician, that was me.

I don't want to put this on you...

...but if you've been paying attention,
I shouldn't have toGreat. No wonder. Ma and Pa Kettle.
I got an idea.
Why not put these two lame-o extras
in front of the mammoth fucking lens?
Boo. Scat. Fat lady, leave.
See there? "Harold. "
Remember how I said
this high school chick haunted me?
How seeing Harmony made me
think of her?
That's because it was her.
It all came flooding back.
How I was the one she confided in.
While she was doing every other guy.
It was the first time I felt
that how pitying someone...
...and wanting to fuck them
can get all tangled up in your head.
Overwhelming sadness.
Meanwhile, you got a rodney.
Is that sick? I thinkYeah, I think that's sick.
Leaving my sister back home,
leaving her there all alone...
Hardest thing I ever did.
Do you remember
when we were real little...
...and a movie crew came to town?
That mystery flick with the guy,
Jonny what's-his-name?
- Gossamer.
- Jonny Gossamer. Right.
Your mom went nuts,
and she bought all the books and stuff.
- That was- God, that was forever ago.
- Yeah, that was back in the day.
Harry...
...I didn't get famous.
Yet.
I did...
...get to do this one commercial.
You're shitting me. Which one?
Well, you know the one with the bear?
And it goes- Well, this is funny.
- "I prefer Genaros, but-"
- "But I'm a bear, what do I know?
I suck heads off fish. " That was you?
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, it was. Yeah.
- That's awesome.
- Commercial.
Come on, that's a big deal.
- That's a national commercial.
- Harry, stop.
It's nothing. There was actually this
kind of cool moment where I got...
...to sort of do the wave.

"I prefer Genaros. "

- Whatever, it's nothing.
- It's pretty cool.
- It's nothing special at all.
- Well, I think it's special.
Punk-rock Steven Seagal
thinks it's special.
Right there, at your 11 o'clock.
That's dead-on, right?
That's all right.
I had him pegged when I came in.
Come back to the hotel for a little while,
just have one drink. Bring your friend.
It'd just be a drink. You'll be home faster
than you can say "Jack Robinson. "
I don't know about that. I can say...
- ... "Jack Robinson" pretty fast.
- I'm timing you.
Jack Robinson.
- Do you have any idea what time it is?
- I'm really sorry.
God, you still look great.
You're just stunning. I like- Why are you here?
- Good question.
Sounds crazy, but I don't remember
what occurred...
...between the hours of 2 and 5,
a blur.
- Really? Where's Marleah?
- Marleah?
- The girl you...
- Marleah fell asleep at my place...
...and I didn't see you leaveI left when you had your tongue
down her throat.
- I did?
- Yeah.
God. No, wrong throat, wrong woman.
That's bad.
Yeah, that's bad.
You got 10 seconds, Harry.
Oh, boy, pressure, pressure.
I came here...
...because I think
you're intelligent and attractiveThat's plenty. Stop. Oh, my God!
I can't believe you'd come here...
...to tell me you like me
after you fucked my friend!
That's just it, I didn't.
I believe that I did not.
What? You said you don't remember!
If I don't remember because I was drunk,
how could I have gotten it up?
I know this is outrageous
and not normal.
I'm not pretending that I'm normal.
I just chickened outMoron. Why? Why? Why?

And the plots, they all have this thing,

this formula that was so cool.
Seriously, I would go through one
in a day.
- A whole book in one day. Wow.
- See, Gossamer would always take on...
...two cases
that were seemingly unrelated.
One's normal
and the other's some wild shit...
...then you'd find out
that they're connected.
That it's all one case.
That's the essence of theYeah, I get that all the time. Would
you mind not rooting around in there?
It's tiny. Is this real?
Yeah, it's a derringer. It's loaded.
- I call it my faggot gun.
- Because?
It's only good for a couple shots, then
you gotta drop it for something better.
You asked, chief.
On with our lesson.
- My client is one Allison Ames. A-M-E-S.
- Ames.
Female. She hired me
to do some video surveillance.
- Is she a looker?
- Oh, man.
She opens the door,
she got nothing on but the radio.
Invites me to sit down,
sits on my lap...
- ...fires up a smoke.
- Really?
No. Idiot.
She hired me over the phone.
- Paid for it with a credit card.
- Okay.
Rule number one:
This business, real life, it's boring.
- Do you have to smoke?
- You want me to put it out?
Yeah, soon as you find a large, brown
clump of shrubs, just throw it in there.
So you knew Harmony in high school.
You said she dissed you.
No, not really.
She fucked every other guy but me.
No, that's not true.
She made one concession.
She agreed not to fuck my best friend,
Chook Chutney.
He was my best friend,
so she gave me that.
- Well, that was nice of her.
- Even if he asked, she said she wouldn't.
Stay put. Be quiet.
"Chook Chutney"? Yeah, he's gay.

- What's wrong with his car?

- Do I look like a mechanic?
- Are we gonna follow him?
- Where'd he go?
He was right in front of us,
then he cut in- Where is he?
What the hell. He's gotta be somewhere.
He turned right in front of us.
- Jesus!
- Shit!
Harry, come back.
Harry.
- There's no one in the car. Harry.
- What?
Harry, stop.
- I think it's going down.
- Wait, the sound.
- Check the back seat.
- No, get the keys!
The keys! Get the keys!
Perry.
Perry?
Shit.
Perry!
Where'd she come from?
She was in the trunk.
I had to shoot the lock to get it open.
Oh, Jesus.
God, what did they do to her face?
- Is she dead?
- No. She's resting her eyes for a minute.
Of course she's fucking dead.
Her neck's broken.
- Hey, what the hell's going on?
- Shut up.
- Hey, we got a dead girl here!
- Hey, shut up.
Two guys in masks,
and there they go.
What the fuck is going on?
This is bad.
We gotta roll before the cops come.
- Nix. We go right to the cops.
- Exactly, to the cops...
...who'll believe that she broke her neck
before you shot her in the head.
What?
- Come on, we gotta go.
- Oh, God.
- We gotta go. Go, go, go.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- All right, we're out of here.
- We gotta go, go, go.
Where's my gun?
- No, I- Give me my gun.
- I got rid of it.
- Say again.
Threw it in the lake.

You wouldn't, I would.

I got priors in New York,
so I can't be messing around- You threw it away?
- It's evidence.
- Watch it. Relax.
- Okay, okay. No, I'm sorry.
- I got a little nonplussed there.
- This is crazy. I understand.
- What is that? Is that a clue?
- What do you mean?
- Do you see that?
- In the thing?
What were you thinking?
My $2000 ceramic Vektor
my mother got me as a special gift...
...you threw next to the car.
What happens when they drag the lake?
You think they'll find my pistol?
Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary.
You know what you'll find?
- A picture of me?
- No...
...the definition of the word "idiot,"
which you fucking are.
Bitch client.
Hires me, has me witness a murder.
- Can I use a dry towel? This towel's wet.
- No.
- This towel is wet.
- The towel is for the seat.
This was for your shoes.
You handed it to me for my face?
- This is wet. Can I use a dry-?
- It's dirty. No.
- Can I-?
- No. Stop dripping.
Shit better be improving your acting.
- Get out.
- Sorry about the gun.
Whatever. Out.
Go. Sleep badly.
Any questions, hesitate to call.
- Bad.
- Excuse me?
Sleep bad.
Otherwise, it seems like
the mechanism that allows sleepWhat, fuckhead? "Badly" is an adverb.
Who taught you grammar? Out. Vanish.
- I'll give you a buzz.
- Die.
That's all right, don't apologize.
- Blow me. You forgot this.
- Oh, thanks.
- Hello?
- I'm trying to locate Harry Lockhart.
- Speaking.
- I'm detective Sgt. Kale.
Mind answering a question or two?

Of course, no problem.
Fire away, officer.
Are you familiar with a woman
by the name of Harmony Faith Lane?
Yeah, what's this-?
Are you aware of giving your number
to Miss Lane recently?
- On a slip of paper, perhaps?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Well, maybe she had my number. Why?
We're required by law to treat every
suicide as a potential homicide.
Harmony Lane shot herself, sir.
- Suicide?
- YesHello?
Hello?
- I'll be goddamned.
- Jesus.
Don't blame yourself. Listen...
- ...sometimes these things just happen- For a reason.
For a reason? Fuck that.
Why? Because I fall off a building,
10 people in Baltimore...
...survive a bus crash?
Swell, they're enjoying Baltimore.
I'm lying here with my brains out.
I've been to Baltimore, you win.
Listen...
- ...I'm really sorry. I gotta go.
- Yeah.
I gotta go.
I have to go.
Genaros. Pure drinking pleasure.
I prefer Genaros.
But what do I know? I'm a bear.
I suck the heads off fish.
Genaros.
I was tired. I was pissed. I was wetter
than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club.
I needed a hot bath, a warm bed.
But the night had other plans for me.
- Oh, you did?
- I got the Cyber Agent.
- You got the Cyber Agent.
- It has all the cool weapons.
You got Protocop coming too.
It's gonna be worth more too
because I think he's, like, paralyzed now.
Son of a bitch!
See, I forgot, old Jonny,
he always had two cases. Remember?
How are you?
Hey.
She's gone, Harry.
- Yeah.
- She's gone.
I know. Who?

Fact is, she stole not only

your credit card, but your ID.
We're very sorry about
the mix-up on our part.
So are you willing to positively identify
this woman as your- My sister! Yes!
- Your sister was here?
Oh, God!
God, we haven't spoken in years.
She's never forgiven me
for leaving her all alone.
- I'm just gonna get you a blanket.
- I don't want a blanket!
- But you're shivering.
- I don't care!
You're freaking me out.
Will you relax, okay?
- Oh, God.
- I'm so glad that you're okay...
...but now, I don't know, you're
making me more nervous. Sit down.
- Okay.
- Tell me what happened.
Yesterday, Jenna,
she got into my house, Harry.
She must have been broke,
I don't know.
She swiped 200 bucks, a credit card,
California ID, God knows what else.
- Right.
- Oh, God.
- No more lies, Harry.
- No.
No.
Are you a detective?
- Are you a detective?
- Who told you that?
Flicka. Flicka.
You know, my friend? She told me.
She told me you were a detective.
- If you are, then I really need your help.
- WellThat's empty, honey.
Okay, I know this sounds crazy,
Harry, but listen. Okay. Okay.
- My sister's been living out here...
- Harmony's sister, dead. What the hell?
What was she even doing here?
The lady in the lake, now the sister.
This was two corpses in three hours.
Am I crazy? That's unusual, right?
Yeah, looking back,
I maybe should've told her...
...I wasn't really a nipple- Detective.
Detective. Sorry. I should've said
something, but she wouldn't shut up.
The card she stole from me
was maxed out.
Right before she died, she charged over

$2000 on it. That's weird, isn't it?

Sentron something.
Some bullshit company! PlusRed flag, Harry. She took her
birth control pill for the day.
Why would she even bother
with the pill, huh?
She was murdered, Harry.
She was murdered. She was murdered.
Honey, all right.
Relax, relax, relax. Okay, relax.
Are you gonna help me, Harry?
- I gotta check my schedule- If you're not gonna help me...
...I need to get out of here,
find someone that'll help me.
- I just gotta check my schedule.
- Can you help me?
If you're not gonna help me,
I need to find somebody else!
- My caseload is pretty- Oh, Harry, thank you.
Yuck, come on.
- It was nothing. I didn't do anything.
- What are you doing?
- I didn't do anything.
- You were grabbing my tit.
No, there was a spider.
There was a big spider.
- Oh, please, whatever.
- I swear to God.
Look, I'll find it. I'll find the thing.
Where are you? Fuzzy little bitch.
- Whatever. It's okay, I believe you.
- Clearly, you don't.
Look, Harry, you grabbed my tit.
It's life, all right? It's no biggie.
No biggie? Guy grabs your tit,
"That's life, no biggie"?
I mean, what kind of talk is that?
No, you tell me. What kind of talk
is that? I can't believe you.
I can't believe that
that's the reaction thatSee there?
Yeah.
- I trust you.
- Right.
What is your problem? I'm letting you
off the hook. You didn't do anything.
No, but you thought I did.
Do you get it? I'm on the hook. The hook
is my home. Do you understand?
Listen to me. I grab your tit,
it's a fucking biggie!
That came out wrong.
But what I'm saying is...
...you act like, "Oops, it's an okay lapse.
You know, everybody does it. "
What the fuck kind of guys

you hang out with here?

I mean, are you the kind of girl
who like, you know...?
Who what, Harry?
Who what?
Forget it.
I'm sorry, just relax.
Just get some rest, okay?
Okay, we'll start on your case
tomorrow. All right?
- Afternoon good?
- Whatever, Harry.
- I'm going.
- Okay.
- I'm taking some sweats, all right?
- Yeah, anything you want to borrow.
- I'll give them back.
- Yeah. Yeah, anything in the drawer.
If it's in the drawer, it's clean.
Night, Harry.
Harry?
This is...
- This is really great.
- Isn't it?
- I'm leaving.
- Yeah, some nice rest.
Bye.
Fuck off-!
Say again? They gave her back?
Yes. She's in my shower.
I'm looking at her, for chrissake.
That's impossible.
They don't even know you.
You're right. The body can't be here.
This is all a dream. There's Elmo the elf.
- Shut up. How did they get in?
- I don't know.
How am I supposed to know?
Fire escape, maybe.
Okay, first things first. We gotta move
her somewhere. You got gloves?
- Excuse me?
- Gloves. Do you have gloves?
You have to move her. If it's a frame-up,
some asshole's calling the cops on you.
Do this: Wrap up the body
in a blanket, a sheet, anything.
- Okay, any particular kind of gloves?
- Yes, fawn.
Will you fucking hurry?
- Perry?
- Yeah?
- I peed on it.
- What? You peed on what?
I peed on the corpse.
Can they do, like, an ID from that?
- I'm sorry, you peed on-?
- On the corpse. My question isNo, my question. I get to go first.
Why in poo-perfect hell

would you pee on a corpse?

It's not like I did it for kicks.
You said this doesn't happen.
This is your fault!
Shut up and listen.
First, we have to wrap the body.
Second, you've got to find the gun.
- Say this with me, "Find the gun. "
- Find the gun.
Damn it, I threw it in the lake.
Not my gun, idiot. They dropped
the body on you, it's a frame-up.
Then they also have planted a gun,
trust me. Move it.
I'll be there in four minutes.
Caller specified room 714, some sort of
brawl or something. Violent.
Yeah, 714. Lockhart.
- Let me get you the key.
- Actually, it's not 714, it's 514.
I was just up there,
and it's really noisy.
- Let's get the key.
- Yep, pretty awful.
- Don't answer that.
- Yeah, duh.
- That it?
- No, that's the corpse...
...from the last guy who stayed here.
Fuck off. Was there a gun?
Yeah, it's right here. Perry,
sons of bitches made us, made me.
I'm in town for two days, they know
who I am and where to find me.
- That's impossible.
- Yeah, it's totally nuts. Back stairway.
I forgot to tell you, Harmony's alive.
She thinks her sister was murdered.
- Come again?
- Never mind.
See, these dudes tonight,
they see two assholes out of nowhere.
- What do they think?
- They think we know something.
They panic. They got a body,
they've gotta dispose of the evidence.
In my shower?
Come on, you said real life.
- They were setting you up, dummy.
- They're not setting me up. Shut up.
You change your tune
every five minutes.
- Kiss me.
- What? No, no, no.
Check out Doris and Lucinda
over here.
These lessons suck.
I quit. This is not being a detective.
Corpses floating in lakes...
...people kissing people. This is wrong.

This is every shade of wrong.

Somebody wanna fill me in?
She thinks I'm a detective,
so go along with it.
- What?
- Don't fuck me up.
Hey.
Do you know the cops
are looking for you, Harry?
- They are?
- Yeah.
I sent them to the wrong room.
I didn't know what else to do.
You did fine.
Perry and I, we're just- Hiya, Perry.
- We're just running, you know, a game.
Perry, what do you call it?
The old Bring Them In and Push
Them Out. That's what we're doing.
What's going on?
Why are you and Perry nacking
on each other?
I sent her home believing, A, we'd meet
tomorrow to go over her case...
...and, B, I wasn't actually gay.
Do not ask me how I did B.
Why didn't we just leave it there?
Think, dummy.
A 911 call from your hotel room...
...all of a sudden,
there's a corpse outside? Bad idea.
Speaking of bad ideas, what's this
about you taking on your own case?
Of all the dipshit things to do.
Killed herself, by the way.
Killed herself.
I solved your case for you.
- Harmony's convinced- I don't care about- Listen to me.
- Little sis punched her own ticket.
- Okay. Gotcha.
All right, this looks good up ahead.
Time to lose the luggage.
Sorry, sweetheart.
You deserved better.
Before I left,
I got her into foster care.
I've never told you just how awful he
treated her. My dad, I'm talking about.
I'll tell you what,
I take notes, in general...
...so if you're just real specific,
thorough and precise, that'll help.
I remember only lying to her one time.
I said to her:
"Maybe the man who is living here
is not your father. "
You told your sister
she was adopted, yeah?

No, I did one better.

I told her her real father
was an actor...