Empowered Father Framework

Empowered Parent Framework
Table of Contents
Empowered Parent Framework .............................................................................................................................................. 1
Prime Directives .................................................................................................................................................................. 3
The Three Roles of a Parent ................................................................................................................................................ 4
Pathways ............................................................................................................................................................................. 5
PW I: Use implied messages to build up the childs self-esteem and allow them to succeed by themselves. .............. 5
PW II: Empower the child to proactively solve their problems. ..................................................................................... 7
PW III: Freedom and Separateness ............................................................................................................................... 11
Key Character Traits to Instill in your Child ....................................................................................................................... 13
Avenues of Influence ........................................................................................................................................................ 15
AI 1: Teaching ................................................................................................................................................................ 15
AI 2: Modelling .............................................................................................................................................................. 15
AI3: Letting the Natural and Imposed Consequences do the Teaching ........................................................................ 16
Response Principles .......................................................................................................................................................... 17
RP 0: Consistency and Repetition Change Learned Behavior ....................................................................................... 17
RP I: Set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without anger, lecturing, or using threats. ....................... 17
RP 2: Turn every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity. ........................................................................ 21
RP 3: Always ask questions to seek understanding and offer choices that make kids think for themselves. .............. 23
Act 1 Parenting Concepts: ............................................................................................................................................. 25
Allowance & Rewards ....................................................................................................................................................... 27
Chores ............................................................................................................................................................................... 27
Key Boundary Areas and Consequences ........................................................................................................................... 28
Exercise: Common Conflicts .......................................................................................................................................... 28
Common boundary Issues include: ............................................................................................................................... 28
Common Misbehaviors ................................................................................................................................................. 28
Common Imposed Consequences................................................................................................................................. 29
Character-Based Rules, Boundaries, Disciplines and Habits ............................................................................................. 30
Empowered Parent Disciplines and Habits ................................................................................................................... 30
Summary of Empowered Parent Model ........................................................................................................................... 30
Belief Affirmations ........................................................................................................................................................ 33
Page 1
Reducing Power/Control Struggles: .............................................................................................................................. 33

Useful Strategies: .......................................................................................................................................................... 34
Exercise: What Must You Stop Doing? .......................................................................................................................... 34
Exercise: Proactive Empowered Response Worksheet................................................................................................. 35
PAUSE -> RELECT -> RESPOND ...................................................................................................................................... 36
Top 10 Guidelines ......................................................................................................................................................... 38
Response Worksheet: ................................................................................................................................................... 38
Getting Started .............................................................................................................................................................. 39
Resources: ......................................................................................................................................................................... 40
Worksheets ........................................................................................................................................................................... 40
Empowered Parent Checklist ............................................................................................................................................ 41
Learning and Understanding Worksheet .......................................................................................................................... 42
Reading and Movies Learning Worksheet ........................................................................................................................ 43
Rules for Common Areas .................................................................................................................................................. 44
Rules for Toys ........................................................................................................................................................................ 45
Key Character Traits for Powerful Kids ................................................................................................................................. 46
No Entitlement ...................................................................................................................................................................... 47
Family Chores Chart .............................................................................................................................................................. 48
Allowance and Expense Tracker ........................................................................................................................................... 49
Screen Time Device Check-in / Check-out Record ................................................................................................................ 50
Behavior Record .................................................................................................................................................................... 51
Weekly Habit Checklist ......................................................................................................................................................... 52
Agreement Record ................................................................................................................................................................ 53
Foods and Supplements Inventory Review Sheet................................................................................................................. 54
Page 2
Prime Directives
The ultimate Prime Directive of a Parent is to train the child, guide her, and set her free to become her own person.
1) Authoritative / Consultative Parent
a) Provides thoughtful guidance and firm, loving, enforceable limits. They ask questions and offer choices.
b) Instead of telling their children what to do, they put the burden of decision making on their kids shoulders with
appropriate consequences to their choices.
c) Encourages the child to think about their behavior, the consequences of that behavior, and helps them feel in
control of their actions by giving them choices within limits.
d) As much as possible steps back from being the enforcer of those limits and lets reasonable, real-world
consequences do the teaching.
e) Doesnt attempt to control the childs behavior. Influences childs behavior with love, and lets the consequences
do the teaching.
f) Holds the child accountable for their behavior.
g) Turns every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity to build character, maturity and good judgment
into the child. Designs consequences so that the child will get optimal learning out of situations.
h) Models the key character traits and principles to instill in the child.
2) Put yourself and your spouse FIRST
a) Always model responsible, healthy adult behavior by taking good care of yourself. This means you are not going
to allow yourself to be treated with disregard.
b) A healthy relationship with your child is a two-way street a situation where both parties win. Whatever you do
for your child you must enjoy as well.
c) Modeling putting yourself first will raise respectful, thoughtful children who grow to take good care of
themselves too. Remember, your own boundaries are the best boundaries for your kids. Saying no when your
children don not respect your own personal boundaries or limits will teach them to respect others and put up
healthy boundaries for themselves.
d) Maintain a strong bond between the adults in the family and never draw children into parental arguments and
resentments.
3) Alpha, Captain of the Ship
a) When you actually want the child to follow through on what you say, then whatever you say as the consequence
has to happen. If theres a request you want to actually happen there can be no other options.
b) Dont ask more than once. One reminder, then take action with the appropriate consequence. Otherwise the
child thinks you dont mean what you say, and that they can get away with whatever they want to do.
c) You take full responsibility for your part in your childs behavior. Instead of trying to control your child you
control your stance with your child through consistent, repetitive responses to their behavior.
i) Your job is not to control your children, but to give them the wisdom they need to control themselves.
d) When a child steps over the line and by his actions says, Youre not my authority Ill do my own thing,
parents have the responsibility to act quickly and decisively pull the rug out and let him tumble.
i) Kids really do notice and pay attention when you take firm, swift action, and not words.
e) Maintain your cool under any and all circumstances. Never blow up. You are setting the limit because you love
your child and want the very best for them, even though they may experience short-term suffering.
i) Never show frustration, anger, or lead them to think that you cant handle them. Stay calm, centered, and
imperturbable amongst the chaos.
ii) The only way they will look to you as their leader (and Alpha male) is if you remain calm, composed, and
confident in the face of any chaos or hysteria.
iii) Never get physically or verbally violent with the child. Its better to walk away and separate yourself from
the child until you calm down.
iv) Never plead with them to get them to do something you want, i.e., make an emotional appeal or begging
that they do something.
Page 3
v) Each time you react with anger and frustration to anything the child does you give your power away. If the
child can get a reaction from you, or find a way to control you, then they will continue the behavior.
(1) E.g., a child will continue to throw a tantrum so long it works for them to get what they want.
(2) The last thing you want to do is lose your cool and start screaming back.
vi) Show compassion, stick to your guns, and show minimal frustration in spite of the childs best attempt to
provoke it.
f) Follow this model in thought, word, and deed regardless of the energies and circumstances around you, with
no attachments or aversions to outcomes. Be unconditional!
4) Enjoy and have Fun
a) No one is perfect. There is no perfect model or process. You will make mistakes, so Fail fast, fail forward.
b) Cultivate a childlike attitude. Dont take yourself too seriously. Rediscover play with your child.
c) The number one rule, in addition to having fun with this, is to make the relationship with your kids first and
foremost above all else. Without relationship you have nothing.
d) Remember, you are not in control; God is. You cant control your kids. Its impossible. All you can do is influence
their behavior with love, consistency, and repetition.
e) Have fun with this. No matter what, so long as you apply the principles in this model and continue to improve it,
you cant screw up that badly. Besides, the kids will eventually grow up and have to take care of themselves.
Surrender, let go, and most of all, enjoy the ride.
The Three Roles of a Parent

1) Guardian
a) Provides the child with a safe environment for learning and gaining wisdom. Too little freedom for the child to
gain experience and the child remains a child. Too much freedom and the child is in danger of hurting himself.
b) You must set boundaries and limits to guard children from several sources of danger.
2) Manager
a) A manager makes sure things get donegoals are reached, demands and expectations are met.
b) Managers provide this discipline by controlling resources, teaching, enforcing consequences, correcting,
maintaining order, and building skills. They oversee the day-to-day hard work of reaching goals.
3) Source
a) Parents are the source of all good things for a child. They are the bridge to the outside world of resources that
sustain life. And in giving and receiving resources, boundaries play a very important role.
b) Children need to learn how to receive and use responsibly what is given them and gradually take over the role of
meeting their own needs. In the beginning, parents are the source; they progressively give the child the
independence to obtain what they need on their own.
Page 4
Pathways
PW I: Use implied messages to build up the childs self-esteem and allow them to succeed by themselves.
1) Unconditional love is expressed regardless of the childs accomplishments.
a) Dont withhold love to get your kids to change their behavior, achieve better at school, etc. This is a conditional
expression of love that says to the child they are not good enough for love unless they conform to some
particular ideal or expectation.
b) This doesnt mean you approve of all their actions.
c) The truth is kids dont generally succeed until they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are good enough
just the way they are.
d) Unconditional love says: Theres a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act or do your work at
school or anyplace else.
e) Unconditional love is expressed non-verbally with pats on the back, hugs, a smile, and eye contact.
f) Formula for low self-concept:
i) Find faults and criticize;
ii) Insist on doing everything for the child;
iii) Don't allow the child to experience the joy of independent success.
g) Formula for high self-concept:
i) Offer empathy, understanding, and unconditional love;
ii) Allow the child to struggle and solve problems on their own;
iii) Encourage children to learn to succeed through personal thinking and learning.
2) Empower the child with the skills and models people of their age need to be successful.
a) Children must know that within themselves are the necessary ingredients to handle life and that they have the
abilities to succeed.
b) These skills are learned through modeling. Good parental modeling help children develop good attitudes and
feelings about themselves. Kids observe and attempt to copy what they see.
c) Parents must encourage children to model responsible adult behavior. If the child attempts to model an adult
behavior and makes a mess, we need to encourage their attempt, then show them how to do it properly.
Theyre children and theyre just learning. Everyone screws up once in a while when theyre learning.
i) If you want your kids to have self-control, model it in front of them.
ii) If you want your kids to be responsible, then model that responsibility in dealing with them.
iii) If you want your kids to treat you with respect, you must treat and speak to them with respect. In addition
to taking good care of yourself, even if that means that the kids may suffer unhappy consequences in the
short run. Suffering is always an internal pain created by the childs own resistance to the boundaries, or
reality. Dont mistake suffering for real harm.
iv) Model safe and effective ways to handle frustrating situations.
v) Model safe and effective ways to deal with anger.
d) Instruct, teach and model appropriate social behavior for politeness, harmony, peace, trust and integrity.
e) If you scream and yell at them for messing things up in their attempts to model responsible adult behavior, then
that will discourage the child from imitating responsible adult behavior because he sees himself as incapable.
f) Never pass judgment on the work of children when theyre trying to learn. Say things like:
i) I can see that you are working hard to learn to do long division. Let me know if you would like some help.
ii) I see that youre learning to make the bed just like mommy. Would you like me to show you how I get the
wrinkles out?
g) Make sure you model that getting the job done is fun. Whenever possible slip a little fun into the task. Children
have wild imaginations. Be sure to tap into that to make things fun.
3) Empower the child to take control of their lives, think for themselves, make decisions, and live with the
consequences of those decisions.
a) Have the child make decisions about the things that affect them directly.
Page 5
b) Although kids are born with great courage to take control of their own lives and make decisions, they have little
experience on which to base their decisions, so they often make poor choices. But they can learn from those
mistakes, provided the parents dont get too involved.
c) You want your child to think:
i) "Life is pretty good. People are kind to me and meet my needs. But if I make a poor decision, something bad
could happen, and I'd have no warning."
ii) "Every decision I make is important. I wonder how this one will affect me?"
d) Providing firm, loving limits to your child allows them to develop self-confidence. When you dont provide firm
limits, kids suffer from low self-esteem.
e) Your job is easier when the boundaries are clear, the results of crossing them are clear, and everyone
understands both. Children who feel secure are free to explore and learn. Children learn that their behaviors
impact others in their community family, school, social circles and the larger world.
4) Provide children the opportunity to feel heard, participate in family activities, and share in decision-making.
a) Have family meetings to discuss plans, issues, votings, rules, and consequences. At the same time, maintain you
parental right to make the final decisions.
b) Sharing power and control works best when parents have well-established limits and understand boundaries
within the family.
c) Work together to come up with a mutually-agreeable solution (problem solving)
i) Step I: Talk about the childs feelings and needs
ii) Step II: Talk about your feelings and needs
iii) Step III: Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution
iv) Step IV: Write down all ideas without evaluating
v) Step V: Decide which suggestions you like, which you dont like, and which you plan to follow through on
5) Never give your kids the impression that you cant handle their behavior.
a) Kids will take advantage of parents who give the impression that handling them is difficult, or that they have the
power to aggravate their parents.
b) Frustration almost always indicates a loss of control over the situation. The parent turns red, lights up, gets
noisy, and hands control to the child. What kid wouldnt want that?
c) Kids seem to be fascinated when adults express frustration. Frustration is a mix anger and loss of control. No kid
could ask for anything more exciting. Consider that most sitcoms are based on frustrated authority figures. In
addition, kids love games with mock frustration.
d) Use the phrase No problem to show your child they are not a problem to handle, and give yourself some
precious seconds to come up with thinking words that will inform the child what you will do, not what the child
has to do.
e) Become a proactive, early confronter, and be consistent with your parenting. When you see an issue, proactively
address it before it becomes a more serious problem.
f) Your child will test your resolve so they can learn about reality. Your job is to withstand the test, including their
anger, pouting, tantrums, etc.
6) Set healthy boundaries and limits
a) Imagine a circle around the parents and another around the children in your family. How do power and
communication flow between these two circles? The boundary between the parent circle and the child circle in
a family can be both too porous or loose or too rigid and inflexible.
b) Parents guilt plays a larger role than most realize in avoiding limits for their children. Parental guilt excuses the
childs misbehavior:
i) If I were a better parent, they wouldnt be acting this way.
ii) If it werent for our divorce, they wouldnt be so difficult.
iii) This excusing of irresponsible and destructive behavior because children have somehow been wronged can
be carried to ridiculous extremes.
Page 6
iv) This is also a case of the parent over identifying with the childs feelings. Parents confuse their own painful
feelings with their childs, thinking that the child is in more trouble than they actually are. They project their
problems and discomfort to the child.
c) Kids seek limits on their behavior; they feel secure when they know what they can and cannot do. Kids seem
most secure around parents who are strong, who dont allow the limits they place on their kids to crumble.
Children lose respect for adults who cannot set limits and make them stick. Kids who misbehave without having
to face the consequences become brats.
d) Children who have limits placed on them in loving ways become secure enough to not only deal effectively with
their own emotions but also form satisfying relationships with others.
e) Setting limits teaches children how to gain self-control, which in turn allows them to regulate their behavior so
that it is socially acceptable. Socially acceptable behavior is a good thing; it is very difficult to perform in school,
play at a friends house, have meaningful relationships, raise a family, or hold down a job with socially
unacceptable behavior.
f) Boundaries provide the safety of known consequences for failure. Children can handle the known logical
consequences of their mistakes much better than they can handle relational consequences like anger, guilt,
shame, condemnation, or abandonment.
g) Setting boundaries teaches children how to protect themselves both physically and emotionally. Setting
boundaries teaches other people how to treat them.
h) Setting limits also teaches children how to set their own limits as they mature.
7) Focus on encouragement, rather than praise.
a) False praise always leads to disrespect.
i) When the child has a poor self-image, praise almost always causes the child to act out, since the internal
image doesnt meet the external expression. This is known as Cognitive dissonance.
ii) Praise emphasizes an external evaluation the joy of another and no real thinking is encouraged.
iii) Praise expresses love and approval based on performance.
b) Encouragement has several advantages over praise:
i) It makes no assumptions about the relationship. It can be bad, neutral or good.
ii) The child is accepted and loved unconditionally, regardless of performance.
iii) It assumes children can judge their own behavior or output and make decisions on how to (or not to) modify
things in the future.
iv) It always accepts the evaluation of the child, even if the self-evaluation is too harsh.
c) Encouragement helps the child feel great about their achievement because they self-evaluate and think for
themselves.
d) Encouragement vs. praise.
Praise
Encouragement
Focus
Try to inject good feelings from the outside Build good feelings from the inside
Technique Statements
Questions
Assumes
Child and adult have good relationship
No assumptions about the relationship
Content
Judgmental
Nonjudgmental
PW II: Empower the child to proactively solve their problems.
1) Reactive children are victims of others and life
a) Child reactive behaviors:
i) Tantrums: screaming maniac
ii) Oppositionalism: opposes everything you say or ask
iii) Whining: complaining plaintively without reasoning
iv) Impulsivity: when denied something the child runs away, says hurtful things, or quickly acts out in some way
v) Fighting and violence: hurls objects, fights, torments a younger sibling
b) Children in reaction are in a constant state of protest against something else: a parent's authority, having to
delay gratification, or not performing as they would like. They don't take initiative to solve their own problems,
Page 7
get their needs met, or help meet the needs of others. Rather, they depend on some other motivating force
around them.
c) Children's reactions are oppositional - that is, they are opposing something. They are taking a stance against
what they don't like, but not for what they desire or value. These reactions are often emotionally driven and
impulsive and don't involve a great deal of reflection. Children's reactions are not value driven. Children act
spontaneously and unwisely.
d) Reactive boundaries demand retribution and revenge. With reactive boundaries you fight the friend that
constantly bugs you. With proactive boundaries, you decide you don't need that kind of friend.
2) Proactive boundaries go beyond problem identification to problem solving.
a) Reactive boundaries are necessary, but insufficient. Children need to be able to protest what they are against,
do not like, or fear. Without that they may not be able to put up healthy boundaries later in life. Children need
their own opinions and feelings so that she can develop her own identity.
i) Protest identifies the problem, but doesn't solve the problem. This is the difference between reactive and
proactive boundaries.
ii) In addition, children who never move beyond reactive boundaries develop a victim identity. They are
dependent on other people and easily controlled and manipulated. They don't see themselves with any
choices, so they remain powerless.
iii) They also never pursue what they really want, or set and pursue goals, interests, talents, and passions.
b) Tantrums, complaining, whining doesn't solve anything. Children need to use their feelings to identify the
problem, and motivate her to take action to address the problem. She should think about her responses and
choose the best one available.
c) Proactive boundaries encompass both what the child is for and against. Proactive boundaries mean others can't
control the child. They live by their own internal values and realities.
3) Teach your kids to be active, problem-solving, initiative-takers.
a) Passive kids are unable to make use of the trying-failing-learning process that teaches them about life
(boundaries). They dont fail, but dont learn either. Passivity prevents them from gaining autonomy, selfcontrol, or mastery over life.
b) Passive children often avoid relationship in general, as they are waiting for someone else to do things or they
dont want to ask for help.
c) Passivity is exhibited by children in the following ways:
i) Procrastination: waits till the last possible moment to respond or do anything they dont like.
ii) Ignoring: pretends they dont hear your instruction, or simply disregards you.
iii) Lack of initiative and risk-taking: avoids new experiences, such as meeting new people, trying out sports or
artistic medium, and stays with familiar activities and patterns.
iv) Living in a fantasy world: more interested in playing video games and watching movies, than interacting with
the real world. They are happier when they are in their head and retreats there are the first sign of problems
or discomfort.
v) Passive defiance: resists your requests by looking blankly or sullenly at you, then doing nothing.
vi) Isolation: avoids contact with others, preferring to stay in their room. Rather than confront, argue or fight,
they retreat.
vii) Laziness: generally speaking, at the root of most lazy kids lies an enabling parent. In other words, there are
no consequences to the childs lack of responsibility in contributing to the house. In this case, nothing
happens until the change of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing.
viii) Clairvoyant Expectations: the child feels they shouldnt have to ask for what they need. They feel they
should just magically get everything they want.
ix) Entitlement: in this case you will need to help him by frustrating hid grandiose feelings while satisfying his
real needs.
x) Clinical Issues: ADHD, Autism, some underlying emotional disorder.
d) Passive kids are generally passive because of some fear. Below are some possibilities and solutions.
Page 8
i)
Closeness: Afraid of being close and vulnerable with others. They feel shy, reserved, and awkward around
other kids. Solution: Make school, church, sports, arts, and social activities a normal and expected part of
family life.
ii) Conflict: Some kids are actively involved when everything is going well, but become afraid and passive
around anger and conflict. Normalize conflict and pain. Its a part of life they will need to deal with. Teach
them that conflict is okay and they will survive it.
iii) Failure: Some kids are perfectionists and afraid of making a mistake. Normalize failure and let them know
they dont risk loss of love from you.
e) The cure to passivity is to make passivity more painful than activity. Let him know you prefer active mistakes to
passivity. Praise and reward them when they at least try and make a mess.
4) Kids get the most out of what they accomplish for themselves.
a) Children will get more out of making their own decisions even if it is wrong than they will out of parents
making those decisions for them. Instead of pointing out what the child did wrong, show the child how to set
things right.
b) Kids who plan their own time, set weekly goals, and evaluate their own work build up their prefrontal cortex and
other parts of the brain that help them exert greater cognitive control over their lives. These so-called executive
skills aid children with self-discipline, avoiding distractions, and weighing the pros and cons of their choices.
c) By picking their own punishments, children become more internally driven to avoid them. By choosing their own
rewards, children become more intrinsically motivated to achieve them. Let your kids take a greater role in
raising themselves.
d) We must allow the child to struggle to get something they want or work through a problem for themselves.
Desire and goals help them overcome any passivity.
e) Ultimately, believing in themselves as capable human beings comes from accomplishing difficult things, not
having those things done for them or being repeatedly to they are great kids.
f) The pattern for building self-esteem and self-confidence looks like this:
i) Kids take a risk and try to do something they think they cant.
ii) They struggle in the process of trying to do it.
iii) After time, they accomplish what they first set out to do.
iv) They get the opportunity to reflect back on their accomplishments and can say, Look what I did!
g) No amount of praise or stuff can build a resilient self-image for kids. It comes from working hard and
accomplishing good things.
h) Of course, if we let them risk accomplishing difficult things, it means they might just as easily fail as succeed. The
child needs to know they are loved regardless of the outcome, and they can count on our support and
encouragement along the way.
i) Require them to learn new skills and tasks at home. Keep adding more and more complex chores to their list.
Help them out to get started.
5) Empower the kids to deal directly with their own problems.
a) Kids need to understand that the solution to her problems and the answer to her needs always begins with her.
b) Kids who deal directly with their own problems are moved to solve them. They know that if they dont, nobody
will.
i) Kids dont worry about problems they know are the concern of their parents.
ii) The best solution to any problem lies within the skin of the person who rightfully owns the problem.
c) Allowing the child to solve their own problems presumes an implicit, basic trust that their behavior will change
as they learn from their experiences.
i) Times can be real tough, and you have the opportunity to learn from them. If anyone can cope with
difficulties, its you. I bet you are proud of yourself.
d) What kids need to take responsibility, ownership, and authority include their emotions, attitudes, and behavior.
e) Teach them to actively communicate their needs, wishes, desires, and feelings. They need to feel safe to express
what they truly feel, without fear of loss of love or reprisal.
Page 9
f)
One of the most important principles in relationship is direct communication and full disclosure of whatever is
going on in the relationship to address a problem. Whether good or bad news, it's best to communicate it.
i) Unfortunately, many people do not deal with others in that fashion. Instead, they practice avoidance
(ignoring the other person or problem) or triangulation (bringing in a third person) or overlooking. when you
go behind someone's back, you can expect trouble in the relationship.
g) Dont let your child put you in the middle of a conflict their having with another person (triangulation). Whether
its another parent or a sibling, teach them to address their issues with that person directly whenever possible.
i) In general, except when its unsafe, children need to work out their own conflicts with others.
ii) I dont know why youre telling me. You need to work it out with your brother. Hes the one youre mad
at. Do whatever you can to keep the conflict between them so they learn the necessary conflict resolution
skills.
h) One of the hallmarks of maturity is taking responsibility for ones own life, desires, and problems. Mature adults
see themselves as problem solvers instead of trying to find someone else to blame or to solve problems for
them. Immature people experience life as victims and constantly want someone else to solve their problems.
i) Every time you rescue your child you erode their self-concept. Each time they solve a problem instead, you help
them strengthen it.
j) Parents who step in and rescue their children from suffering will be replaced later in life with other codependent
people, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, shopping, or other addictions.
k) Give away the control you dont need.
l) Behavior you cant control includes anything related to the childs brain activity, such as trying to make them
talk, think, learn, go to sleep at a certain time, or like certain foods.
i) All you can do is influence your children by modeling, teaching and consequences.
m) When the parent makes the childs problem their problem, they try to rescue the child with anger and
resentment. Any child mess or screw up where the parent explodes gives the message that the actual, logical
consequence of messing up is making adults mad. The children get swept away in the power of their anger
rather than learn a lesson from the consequences of their mistake.
n) Parents who intervene into their childs problems are really reacting to their own internal insecurities and
emotion backed addictions. This is not empowering to the child to address their own problems.
o) Parents who involve themselves in all the problems of their kids can spend their every waking hour at the task.
p) General rules for when to step in / when to stay out of kids problems:
i) Step in when your children are in definite danger of losing life or limb, or making a decision that could affect
them for a lifetime.
ii) Step in when your children know they are in a situation they cant handle themselves. They have to know
that you also know they cant handle it. Everyone is aware that the child is unable to handle the situation.
iii) Remember: Everything we fix for your kids, your kids will lose the opportunity to fix for themselves.
iv) If theres more than 20% chance your child might be able to work it out, then you should keep clear of
owning the problem and not rob your child of the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience.
q) While children should care about their relationships, they should not take on others problems.
i) They are responsible for themselves and to others. He is responsible for himself. He is responsible to others.
ii) He is to care about his family and friends and go out of his way to help them. But responsibility dictates that
he refrain from protecting them from the consequences of their own actions.
iii) By learning the difference between loving and rescuing, he will also be learning how to pick kids who dont
need someone to take on their problems: kids of good character, kids to whom your child can say no
without fear of losing the connection.
6) Empower the child to meet their own wants and desires.
a) Children that look for others to satisfy their wants and desires are kids that feel entitled to what others have, to
not suffer, not work or adapt to rules and boundaries. They feel that others owe them whatever they want
simply because they exist. They go around feeling that You Should, and they are always demanding something
from someone. And when they dont get what they want, they feel they have been wronged by the one who is
not giving them what they asked.
Page 10
b) A child who feels entitled takes what they do have for granted, and doesnt know what gratitude is.
c) Its your job to satisfy the childs real needs, but not their wants and desires. Their wants and desires are their
problem. Empower them to figure out how to satisfy their wants and desires. Children must have their needs
met to develop trust and gratitude.
d) Meet their needs for love and affection, give them opportunities to grow, and teach them the models and skills
they need to be successful at anything they choose to do.
e) The child does receive a gift that satisfies their desires they will truly feel grateful and express that gratitude to
the giver.
7) If its a problem for the parent, it should soon be a problem for the child.
a) You are modeling appropriate adult behavior. We dont allow other people to harm us, and we therefore raise
children who know how to care for themselves and wont allow others to cause them problems.
b) You can't make a child behave, but you can structure choices and consequences that help the child choose
rightly.
c) Problems that are our problems include:
i) How our children relate to us (disrespectful talk, sassing, rude gestures or behavior).
ii) How they do their chores.
iii) Playing loud music.
iv) Waking us up in the middle of the night.
v) Misbehaving when in public.
vi) Matters surrounding their life support system (i.e., income stream).
8) The Skills of Proactive Boundaries
a) Pausing instead of reacting. As parents we are the ones who regulate our childrens emotions. If we react to our
childs behavior instead of pausing and responding appropriately, our kids will too. When your child reacts
instantly in protest, make him repeat the desired action several times, talking him through it each time, until he
sees he doesnt have to react. This is a helpful exercise of rehearsing self-control.
b) Observation. Help your child become a student of himself. Go over the incident, helping him see other realities
besides his frustration. This observing is a way to take a step back and see the possibilities with curiosity instead
of an automatic response. Something like What did you notice happening right before and after you slammed
the door? What did it feel like? What did your body feel like? I noticed your face get very red and your eyes
closing
c) Perspective. How do you nurture the idea that feelings are just that: feelings? Your child thinks her feelings are
the ultimate truth. It can be helpful to educate your kids with the fact that feelings do come and go like a wave if
we allow them to. Furthermore, perspective often comes out of validation. When kids dont feel validated in
their feelings, they are more prone to hold onto them and feel paralyzed by them. Where are the areas where it
is difficult for you to validate your own feelings?
d) Problem Solving. How do you help your child see other alternatives to solving his problems or getting his needs
met? Do you often engage in power struggles with your kid? If this is the case, you are contributing to struggling
for power instead of finding creative solutions. Do you know the ways you model whining or complaining
instead of taking initiative and finding solutions?
e) Reality. Dont work too hard to take care and take away some of lifes realities for your child. She needs to know
that her needs wont get met perfectly. She may not have the lead part in the school play, but she can enjoy her
part. Too much care taking can lead to entitlement, a trait that will not suit your child through the years. Do you
know what feelings come up in you when your child gets disappointed by lifes realities? These realities can be
great teachers, motivators, and character builders.
f) Initiative. Your child needs to understand that until she is proactive with the problem, she will be forever
reacting to the same problem, with no solution.
PW III: Freedom and Separateness
1) Their space: They should be responsible with it. Don't allow them to be irresponsible with it. They can have their
own space and live how they want to within limits.
Page 11
2) Their time: They should manage their own time and allow the limits to force them to manage it better. They should
be on time for school, dinner, church, and completing things on time like chores and homework. Dont nag them,
nor remind them too often. You are not a clock. If they need to miss a few things to learn about time, then they will
soon learn what time really is.
3) Their choice of friends: Counsel them on their choice of friends, but don't make their choices.
4) Their money: The best way to learn about money is to experience the limits of money firsthand.
5) Their clothing and appearance: Clothes and hairstyles should be a child's choice. You don't have to like it. Just don't
give them grief over it. They need to learn how to manage their own appearance and uniqueness. If their clothes or
hairstyles are too weird, they'll get the feedback from schoolmates. It's best to concentrate on more important
things like values, skills, love, honesty, and treatment of others.
a) This does not include personal hygiene. They should be responsible with their cleanliness and personal hygiene.
6) Your space: As parents you have to have your own life apart from your kids. Have your date nights, your own time
alone, and your own space. Meet the child's needs, then require him to meet his own while you meet yours.
Page 12
Key Character Traits to Instill in your Child

Character traits are the qualities you want to instill in your child. These are qualities that your child needs to have to be a
successful, contributing member of society. We define character as the sum of your childs abilities to meet the
demands of life. Life has all sorts of requirements, from getting and maintaining good relationships, to having selfcontrol, to developing a spiritual life. A childs character will determine much of the course his life takes. To develop a
child of good character, we must be parents of good character. As a parent, you invest in providing those needed skills
and abilities.
For all the character traits that follow ask:
A. What are you doing or could you be doing to teach your children to embody the character traits?
B. What is your response to your childs behavior in relation to these character traits?
C. How are you modeling these character traits in your home?
D. If your children studied the way you lived yesterday, what would they learn?
E. Which of the following character traits does your child need to most work on? How will you help them internalize
them?
F. What logical consequences have you established or would you like to establish to support them to internalize these
character traits?
1) Loving & Respectful to Self and Others
a) Golden Rule: treat others as they want to be treated. Outward oriented, relationally based empathy moves us
to caring actions.
b) Loving people recognize that the world does not revolve around them. They are able to control their impulses,
respect the boundaries of others, disagree while being respectful, and set boundaries for themselves so that
they are responsible people whose actions are loving. They know how to use boundary words when dealing with
peer pressure, bullies, or strong egos on the playground.
c) Respecting the boundaries of others is respect for others existence, needs, choices, and feelings. This means
they must learn to:
i) Not be hurtful to others
ii) Respect the no of others without punishing them
iii) Respect limits in general
iv) Relish others separateness
v) Feel sad instead of mad when others boundaries prevent them from getting what they want
d) Children can't set boundaries around that which isn't his property or responsibility. They can influence others
toward what they think is important, but they cannot control another's free will.
e) One of the most important principles in relationship is direct communication and full disclosure of whatever is
going on in the relationship. Direct communication is the best way to go through life. Whether good or bad
news, it's best to communicate it. But many people do not deal with others in that fashion. Instead, they
practice avoidance (ignoring the other person or problem) or triangulation (bringing in a third person) or
overlooking. When you go behind someone's back, you can expect trouble in the relationship.
2) Responsible
a) Taking 100% responsibility, ownership, and authority over your internal experience (your story or perception of
life, body sensations, feelings, and emotions), and for the choices that led to the conditions around you.
b) Being responsible means taking ownership of your life. Ownership is to truly possess your life and to know that
you are accountable for itto God and others. Responsibility therefore includes such things as duty or
obligations, reliability and dependability, and just getting the job done. Responsible people also take
Page 13
3)
4)
5)
6)
ownership of their feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, values, and loves
these are things that fall within your boundaries , and are your problem, not someone elses.
Oriented toward Gratitude
a) Gratitude comes from the feeling of freely receiving things, not because we deserve them, but because
someone has graced us with them. We cherish those gifts we receive.
b) Someone with a heart of gratitude is grateful for everything they have in life, no matter what it is. Children with
gratitude are filled with joy for they know they are blessed and empowered to do anything in life. Life has given
them everything they need to fulfill their hearts desires. This teaches them not to take anything in their life for
granted. This also leads to an attitude of humility.
c) Teach the child to express deep heartfelt gratitude when they do receive a gift from you or another.
Respectful to Reality
a) In order for someone to create a life that works he or she must have a healthy respect for reality. By reality we
mean experiencing the consequences of our actions in the real world. Mature adults know that, for the most
part, if they do good, good things will happen; if they do nothing or do something bad, bad things will happen.
This dual respect for the positive and negative sides of reality is often referred to as wisdom.
b) More interested in interacting with real human beings and life itself. Rather than being absorbed in a fantasy,
virtual world.
Free
a) People with healthy character are free people. In sharp contrast to todays popular victim mentality, free people
realize that they can act rather than remain passive in a situation, that they have choices and can take some
control of their life. Children raised with good boundaries learn they are not only responsible for their lives but
are also free to live their lives any way they chooseas long as they take responsibility for their choices.
b) A mature concept of freedom does not imply not having any limits! What freedom really means is that we are
free to make choices and then live with the consequences of our choices! It is the parents job to impose
consequences, or limits to autonomy, when the choices made by their children would not serve them well in the
real world.
c) Being free means only that we are free to exercise our judgment, and then live with the consequences of our
choices. We do this teaching best by staying out of our childrens way when they struggle with issues of
obedience and compliance, allowing them to learn important lessons for successful living. In other words, the
struggle should be an internal one, not a struggle between us and the child.
d) Note that children can develop boundary problems by overcommitting themselves to activities, and then having
a shallow experience of too many things. They need to learn how to manage time and energy and set healthy
boundaries around that.
Initiating and Pursuing their Hearts Desires
a) Empower them to be an active, problem solving, initiative-taker. Be wary of passivity: kids that give control to
someone else, someone who will act in their stead. Passive kids miss out on the try-fail-learn growth process. Let
him know you prefer active mistakes to passivity. Praise and reward them when they at least try and make a
mess. Be proactive in shaking up their habitual attitudes and habits.
b) Teach them that the only way for them to get what they want in life is to actively ask and pursue what they
want. Nothing happens unless they take action.
c) A normal part of human behavior is to initiate things. Being created in the image of God is being created with
the ability to begin something and fulfill their hearts desire. Teaching a child to initiate is an important aspect of
boundary training.
Page 14
d) Encourage them to follow their hearts path, rather than playing by someone elses design, or doing things just
to please others. Desire moves the child to do whatever is necessary to satisfy it. They will seek the resources,
develop the skills, and reach out to his community for learning and support.
7) Growing / Adapting / Resilient / Fail Fast, Fail Forward
a) Good parenting can help a child develop character that faces the obstacles of life with an orientation toward
growth. This includes developing abilities and gaining knowledge as well as facing negative things about oneself
that invite growth and change. Boundaries help children see what is expected of them and how they might grow
to meet those expectations. Parents should require their children to do the changing instead of trying to get
reality to change.
b) The scientific term for resilience "the ability of your body to rapidly return to normal, both physically and
emotionally, after a stressful event."
c) Teach them to accept the loss of what they want and cannot have, and move on.
d) Make "failure" their friend. Fail Fast, Fail Forward.
8) Oriented Toward Truth
a) Honesty begins with parents who model it, require it from their children, and provide them with a safe
environment in which to be honest.
9) Oriented to Transcending the Ego
a) People who have the ability to transcend themselves go beyond their own existence to the reality of others, of
God, and of virtues they hold more important than themselves and their own immediate happiness.
Avenues of Influence
AI 1: Teaching
1) The concepts and principles of boundaries are explicit and clear. They arent vague, esoteric ideas; instead, they are
grounded in reality, Gods laws, and everyday life. As a result, you can directly teach boundaries, and your children
can learn them. You can help your children put words to their experiences, apply your teaching to new situations,
and clarify and modify the teachings as they grow and develop.
2) Teach your children boundary principles, not simply practical applications. Young children can learn the statement,
You are responsible for your behavior. This means that they must accept the responsibility for things such as
cleaning their room, getting good grades, displaying proper table manners, and controlling tantrums. They will not
be able to blame the lack of accomplishment on anyone else. Boundary concepts like these can quickly become part
of a familys everyday life, and children will see the applications in other areas.
3) Use examples in real life to teach character traits and boundary principles.
4) Remember Your Childs Age and Maturity Level: Gear your boundary talk to the appropriate developmental level of
your child. Children go through many emotional, relational, and intellectual developmental changes. Try not to
communicate on either too low or too high a level for your child to understand.
a) As children mature, it is time to move into more of a guidance mode, where we help them figure out how to
make exceptions, and what the results of those departures will be.
b) See page 42 of Boundaries with Kids for age appropriate teaching.
AI 2: Modelling
1) Modeling is different from teaching. Children observe and learn from how you operate with boundaries in your own
world. They watch how you treat them, your spouse, others, and your work. And they emulate you, for good or for
bad. They look up to and want to be like these larger, more powerful individuals.
2) Modeling goes on all the time, not just when you are in a parenting mode. It occurs basically any time you are in
eyesight or earshot of the child.
Page 15
3) Use every opportunity to model the key character traits and principles while with your child. Play more with them at
whatever activity theyre engaged in, not so that you can be entertained (or to entertain your kids), but that you can
use those times to model the character traits, teach interesting things, and build a relationship with them. Not to
mention the enjoyment you gain from playing with them.
a) Exercise: take a few minutes to brainstorm a list of activities you can both participate with them, and proactively
create the time to spend with them. Whatever you do it has to be fun and engaging for them. The activity is
simply a vehicle for you to engage, play, and interact with them for the purpose of modeling empowered
behavior and building relationship.
AI3: Letting the Natural and Imposed Consequences do the Teaching
1) To internalize something is to make it part of yourself.
a) That is, taken in emotionally and cognitively. When the internalization process works, the work of the parent
becomes part of the makeup of the child. What was external is now internal. Over time, the child becomes a
self-monitoring, self-correcting person in contrast to someone who needs constant supervision and correction
from others.
b) It is more than learning a fact, and different from watching a fact fleshed out. It is making that fact an
experienced reality. There are two ways to know something: intellectually and experientially. You can
memorize a definition of romantic love, an intellectual knowing. Falling in love, however, is a much different
matter, an experienced knowing.
2) How your child has internalized grace and truth from you will make a big difference in how she handles
relationships, responsibilities, stress, temptations, and failure.
3) We tend to think our child will be swayed by logic and clarity. While this is true sometimes, dont make that your
agenda, especially when your child is full of strong emotions. Great healing and connecting power rests in being
empathetic over and over and over again.
4) If your boundary training consists only of words, you are wasting your breath. But if you do boundaries with your
kids, they internalize the experiences, remember them, digest them, and make them part of how they see reality.
5) True change usually comes only when someones behavior causes him to encounter reality consequences like pain
or losses of time, money, possessions, things they enjoy, and values.
a) We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.
Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.
Page 16
Response Principles
RP 0: Consistency and Repetition Change Learned Behavior
1) Children are like pigeons.
a) They learned a particular behavior and keep pecking at it (repeating it) because it satisfies some need / payoff,
even if it is a destructive pattern.
2) What keeps me from responding from a neutral space with my kids is that I get judgmental over their behavior
towards me. I.e., they shouldnt be this way (disrespectful to me). Im judging the child as BAD, and something is
wrong with them as a person. I take their behavior personally as a fault in myself.
a) This leads me into a feeling of guilt, and inadequacy and failure as a parent. How could I have raised a daughter
like her?
b) I also spiral down the B.S. of why is she the way she is?, how did I screw her up?, and waste tons of time
trying to psychoanalyze her behavior all the while judging her and myself. Its ALL a B.S. story.
3) The truth shes behaving the way shes behaving, nothing more. Just like a pigeon thats been trained a certain way
to cope with life and get what they want. No story, no judgment, just a pigeon doing what it does.
4) To retrain these pigeons requires that I respond in the same way consistently, repetitively with a response that will
teach them to build character.
a) Consistency and Repetition with change the pattern. Thats all it takes. No story, no judgment, no B.S., just
consistent, repetitive response. They will change their behavior eventually. Humans adapt to their conditions.
RP I: Set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without anger, lecturing, or using threats.
1) Freedom = Responsibility = Consequences = Love
a) To the extent that all these are equal / balanced, we are doing well. If our child is free to choose and held
responsible for the consequences of his actions, we will develop a loving person who is doing the right thing for
the right reasons. If any one of these is out of balancefor example, more freedom granted than someone is
held responsible forthen character problems grow. Or if someone is held responsible but is not free to choose,
she is a slave and a robot, and she will not choose lovingly, but only out of compliance and resentment. Or if
someone is free and responsible for something but does not suffer the consequences of misusing his freedom,
then he develops character problems and ends up doing very irresponsible and unloving things.
b) Letting the reality of the childs world teach him and have the empathy and limits of the parent to support the
learning process make the best recipe for learning to respect boundaries.
c) Choose to do your chores, you play. Choose to avoid your chores, you pay. Being mean and disruptive to others,
you lose the privilege to be around them. Respect others property or it costs you. Either way, you are in control
of your life, not your parents. If I make good choices, life is better than if I dont.
d) Heap on the praise and increase the freedoms when children use responsibility well.
2) Give only choices that are within your firm, loving limits.
a) The boundaries you set for your children are in reality the boundaries your set for yourself. The more wishy
washy you are with your own boundaries, the more wishy washy and inconsistent you are about your kids
boundaries and limits.
b) Avoid punishing your child for misbehavior. Instead allow the natural consequences to do the teaching.
i) When someone is punished for something, they seldom pause for self-examination. The more common
reaction is resentment.
ii) When you punish your child for getting Ds and Fs, or mouthing off youre not letting the consequences of
their mistakes do the teaching.
iii) When you punish a child instead of letting the consequences teach the child a lesson, you provide the child
with a great escape valve, an escape from the consequences of their action. They dont have to change their
behavior. Instead they think Im doing my time. And their anger is directed toward the punisher: you.
Page 17
c) With natural and imposed consequences the child hurts from the inside out. Consequences leave kids thinking
very hard about their behavior and their responsibilities. Consequences lead to self-examination and thought.
3) Give two choices, both of which are acceptable to you, and can be enforced if the child decides to do nothing in
response.
a) This gives the child control, and any consequences come from the childs decision, not the parents.
b) You set the limits, but the child controls how they operate within those limits.
c) Whatever you do make sure you are willing to enforce whatever choices you give. Stay away from alternatives
that both you and the child know you wont carry out. Whatever choices you give you must be willing to ensure
your child is forced to live with the consequences.
i) Whatever the choices you must always meet the real needs of the child.
ii) Enforceable statements describe limits we can actually enforce 100% of the time.
d) Statements such as hurry up and eat or else Ill leave you here. The anger in the statement and the
outlandishness of the options confirms youre not in control.
e) Teach your child that when they cooperate everyone wins. They must learn that defiance doesnt pay.
f) There are always three choices: the two that you give the child, and the third is when you decide for the child.
4) Offer real choices, not warnings and threats.
a) E.g., Choose my way or else; You can either clean your room or lose your right to watch TV. Choices like
these are no different than when your boss says to you, Would you rather do that report or get fired.
b) Choices such as: Would you rather clean your room this morning or this afternoon? Would you rather pick up
your toys or hire me to do it? Do you want to spend your allowance to do fun things this week or pay someone
to do your chores? Do you want to settle the problem yourselves or draw straws to see who sits by the car
window?
c) Replace threats and warnings with simple actions. Set limits once and follow through with loving actions instead
of warning. Teach how to make wise decisions the first time.
d) Nonthreatening choices offered in a calm manner give children a chance to take some control over their
problems.
e) Rules for Giving Choices:
i) Always give only two verbal choices that you are happy with, but make sure the child knows theres an
implied third choice: If he doesnt decide, then youll decide for him.
(1) In 10 seconds, choose for the child if he or she doesnt.
ii) Always be sure to select choices that you as a parent like and can live with. Dont provide one you like and
another you dont like, because the child will usually select the one you dont like.
iii) Provide choices on issues that are not dangerous and dont create a problem for anyone on the planet.
iv) Never give a choice unless you are willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice.
v) Never give choices when the child is in danger.
f) Guidelines for selecting choices that are within acceptable limits:
i) The child is expected to willingly pick one of the choices, not given two choices that are unappealing. Make
your choices be a win-win for you first, then the kid. After all, if youre not happy, your children wont be
happy. And if youre happy, then your kids will be happy too.
ii) The parent can live with whatever choice is picked.
iii) If the choice is refused, the parent can lovingly take his or her turn at choosing a response that is
enforceable. (No need to rush into this. You may want to take some time to think.)
(1) Remember to always put yourself first, even if that means your children may need to suffer a short-term
unhappy consequence.
g) You can start your delivery by expressing how your childs behavior affects you, then offer a choice, such as:
i) Youre welcome to _____ or _____.
ii) Feel free to _____ or ______.
iii) Would you rather ______ or ______.
iv) What would be best for you - ______ or ______.
5) The choices you give must always be winnable and make real world sense.
Page 18
a) Remember to be a parent who wants your childs behavior to correspond with the laws of reality, not your
distortions about reality.
b) You cant force a child to learn, think, or eat, when they go to bed or the bathroom. All you can do is influence
them in these areas.
c) Dont tell your child something you cannot make them do; otherwise, you give away your power and credibility.
d) You must avoid trying to control your childs behavior in the areas that are impossible to control, and choose
only those areas where you do have control over your kids. Then you must offer choices in those areas.
i) You cant control whether the child eats at the table, but you can control whether the child is at the table or
not.
ii) You may not be able to control when your child does his chores, but you can make sure he does them before
he eats his next meal.
iii) You may not be able to control the disrespectful words that pop out of your childs mouth, but you can
make sure he doesnt use them in your presence by sending them away until he can speak reasonably with
you.
iv) You may not be able to control if a child does their homework, but you can control whether they have
anything else during that time, but sit and do homework.
e) The three rules of control battles:
i) Avoid a control battle at all costs.
ii) If youre going to get into one, win at all costs.
iii) Pick the issue carefully. Whenever a control battle is lost, its because the issue was not chosen carefully.
(1) E.g., safety, health, personal hygiene, key character traits, or long-term behavioral patterns that will end
up hurting them.
f) Let your child make lots of choices on the small issues, so that they are more cooperative when you have to
control the bigger issues. Give your child 99% of the choices when things are going smoothly.
g) The best consequences are those that fall naturally. Naturally falling consequences allow the cause and effect of
the childs actions to register in their brains. When they experience the consequence of their actions directly,
they hurt from the inside-out. When they hurt from the inside-out, they can only blame themselves.
i) With natural occurring consequences you seldom have to do a thing. Just let the child freak out, while you
stay calm, cool, empathetic, and firm.
ii) Here are some examples of using natural consequences:
(1) If your child refuses to put on a coat, let her get cold.
(2) If your child wont eat, let him feel hungry.
(3) If your child doesnt complete her homework, let her fail the assignment.
(4) If your child breaks a rule on the sporting field, hell have to take the penalty.
h) When no consequences occur naturally, the imposed consequences, or logical consequence, must (1) be
enforceable, (2) impose a consequence that is related to the behavior you want to discourage (connect the
consequence to the trespass), (3) be laid down firmly in love. Logically connected consequences mimic the way
consequences actually work in the real world, and therefore make intuitive sense to children.
i) Logical consequences work best when they are announced in advance of misbehavior, and positioned to
occur as a direct outcome of the misbehavior.
ii) Examples of logical consequences include:
(1) If a child is being silly and spills her drink, she must wipe it up.
(2) If a bike is left in the driveway, it gets put away for the rest of the afternoon.
(3) If children are fighting over a toy, the toy is put away for 10 minutes.
(4) If the trespass is relational (disturbing other people), they lose access to those people.
iii) Make the connection between the childs misbehavior and consequence as plain as possible.
(1) For example, if it hurts people it will cost you your relationships.
i) Losing a privilege: When you use this type of consequence for behavior management, your child loses access to
a favorite object or activity because of unacceptable behavior. The behavior should cost the child the
Page 19
opportunity to do something that they value. The privilege isnt necessarily related to the difficult behavior. For
example:
i) A child who isnt cooperating with his mum might lose the privilege of a lift to footy training.
ii) A child who swears at her dad might lose TV time.
iii) A child refuses to eat any vegetables at dinner, a logical consequence can be that she doesn't get the special
dessert treat Mom baked that day.
iv) When it comes to choosing the object or activity that your child will lose, think about the overall effect. For
example, missing a game for a team sport might affect the whole team, not just your child.
j) Whether using a natural or logical consequence, parents should simply and briefly explain the consequence to
their kids and not allow themselves to get drawn into an argument or debate.
i) Avoid anger, threats, yelling, screaming, and punishments. Avoid shaming or putting them down.
ii) Express your sincere loving concern when the consequences hit. Thats what drives the lesson home.
k) Your own boundaries are the best boundaries.
i) The consequence should protect yourself and the rest of the family from the childs misbehavior.
l) Write down what will happen when the child doesn't meet your expectations - i.e., lose privileges, etc. Whatever
it is should fit the crime as a logical consequence of the behavior.
6) Mean what you say, and say what you mean.
a) The limit is reality if you keep it. Children will respect the limit because it is real and is not going away. After the
children protest, reality is still reality, and their protest will soon give into sadness and adjustment to reality.
b) Set limits once and follow through with loving actions rather than words.
c) Just as quickly as you set a limit and boundary, theyll test them. They need to test them to assure themselves
that the limits are firm enough to provide the needed security. They need to find out if you mean what you say
if youre going to stand firm on your word. They have to discover if the walls are real or if they will crumble
when they are tested.
d) While kids will do anything to make you back off, you must stand firm. Youre certainly empathetic to their
consequence, but you stand firm.
i) The real world doesnt operate on the multiple warning system, and neither should you. Parents who give
lots of warnings raise kids who dont behave until they had a lot of warnings.
ii) Heres a great response when they start to react violently against you: I may feel angry or hurt while you go
through this, but I wont go away. No matter what, I am here for you, even if I disagree with you and have
set limits with you.
e) Make them think that whenever they do X, Y happens consistently so they get the message and the cause /
effect correlation. It may take 3 4 occasions to get them to see the correlation, so you must be consistent in
delivering the consequences. Otherwise, it invalidates your word and the lesson.
f) If you relent, you demolish the meaning of those consequences. If you get angry at them, or lay a guilt and
shame trip for their consequence, you also demolish the meaning of the consequences.
g) Each time a parental request can be ignored or defied, the authority of the parent is reduced in the eyes of the
children. Pretty soon the kids think they dont have to do anything the parent says.
h) Using enforceable thinking words, giving choices, displaying no anger these are the ingredients for establishing
firm limits with your kids.
i) Dont remind kids of their responsibilities. Reminders rob kids of the opportunity to make mistakes needed to
learn the lessons.
7) Dont lecture or justify; let the consequences do the teaching.
a) The only times to reason with a child are when both are happy and calm.
b) Its normal for children to protest limits. Protests will soon give way to reality. The problem arises when you get
caught up in the protest. You feel as if you need to defend the limit or punish the protest. Remember, the limit is
reality if you keep it.
i) For example, you overidentify with the childs pain and give in, or get angry at the childs pain and go to war.
Page 20
c) Supplying justification for choices is a waste of time and gets you and your child into the two lawyers mode
arguing back and forth to see who has the better reasons. Simply hold firm on your choices and repeat them
over and over again. After 3 or 4 times the child will get it.
d) Allow the natural and imposed consequences to do the teaching. Empathy and consequences are powerful
teaching agents.
e) State your limits and boundaries and what the consequences are without shaming or putting the child down.
i) Allow the child to preserve his choices. I.e., they can still be a jerk if they want to, but clearly state what it
will cost them.
ii) Preserve their freedom, choices and responsibility, and be loving throughout.
f) Be sure to clearly communicate the boundaries ahead of time with your child. Make sure your child knows what
they did wrong, so you can teach them how to do it right.
8) Consequences can, and often should, be delayed.
a) This is appropriate when youre in public, or cant think of anything. Take some time to call a friend, teacher, or
advisor so get some ideas.
i) Allow the child/youth to save face if other children siblings, friends are witnessing the standoff between
parent and child.
ii) If you blow up on the spot you miss the opportunity to teach the kids. It is much better to take your time
and think of an appropriate consequence than to blurt out some half-baked consequence on the spot in
haste and anger.
iii) If you feel an emotional wave come up, or the child is simply not open in a tantrum, the best thing to do is
separate from the child either by leaving them in their room or taking them to an area where they can have
their tantrum. Once the emotions are settled, then you can both come together to resolve the matter.
b) Often in the time between problem and consequence, either the child will find a solution to the problem for
themselves, or the perfect consequence will present itself to bring up the optimal learning of the situation.
i) In fact, they are often most effective after the child thinks they have gotten away with inappropriate
behavior.
ii) The time you spend thinking about the consequences, also gives time for the child to agonize over the
possible consequences.
c) The following are some phrases you can use to buy some time:
i) Uh-oh! Im going to have to do something about that, but not right now. Im busy with something else. Ill
get back to you on that. Try not to worry about it.
ii) Im not sure what to do about this right now, but Ill let you know.
iii) You know Ive never been a parent of a 10 year old girl before, so Ill have to give this some thought. Ill get
back to you on it.
iv) Im not sure how to respond to that. Ill have to give that some thought.
RP 2: Turn every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity.
When a child causes a problem, show empathy through sadness and sorrow, and then lovingly hand the problem and its
consequences back to the child.
1) What drives the lesson into your childs heart after they make a mistake is your empathy and sadness.
a) The relationship between parent and child is foremost. Your love for them must reign supreme. Our kids are our
most precious resource. Love them enough to allow them to learn the necessary and crucial skills of responsible
thinking and living.
b) You have to keep driving home PW1: they are loved, skillful and capable. And a foul-up, regardless how serious,
doesnt change that. They must be told that message continually.
i) You are constantly giving messages to your kids, but the overriding message must be that they are okay.
They may be having a hard day or something deeper may be going on.
ii) Empathy about the consequences shows your child that they are always okay and youre in their corner, but
will not rescue them. You let the consequences do the teaching.
iii) Enthuse about the positive results and behavior, but non-emotionally insistent about the negative.
Page 21
c) Even if you are overcome with anger and want to punish them, lock in your empathy for them and let the
consequences do the teaching. If need be, separate yourself from the child to settle down. Anger and
punishment in concert are a deadly duo of counterproductive parenting.
i) With anger, children go into survival mode rather than learning mode, they think about escaping or getting
revenge instead of learning how to make smarter choices.
ii) People can only internalize boundaries and limits within a grace atmosphere, otherwise they experience
rules as something they hate, something that condemns them, or both.
d) Anger and frustration feed misbehavior, so don't give too much attention while the child is misbehaving. Give
your child lots of attention when they are acting sweet.
i) This sends a message that "Sweetheart, the way you get lots of attention in this house is by behaving and by
being nice. The way you get no attention in this house is by throwing fits and acting nasty."
e) The more empathy and understanding you display, the more your children are forced to think about the pain
they have created for themselves and others.
f) Loving sadness opens a child's heart and mind for learning; anger creates a child who blames others for their
mistakes.
i) Empathy + Consequences = Learning
ii) Consequences + Anger = More anger and resentment
g) Let them know how much you love them and how badly you feel about their decision and their problem as soon
as it happens. They need to know that you will be with them through it all, but that you will not take away any of
their responsibility in the process.
i) Balance the consequence with an equal amount of empathy. Make sure you are providing your child with
emotional contact, support, and love.
ii) Setting limits isnt an alternative to loving your child. It is a means of loving her. Be connected to her,
reassure her of how much you care. She needs to know you are constantly and consistently connected and
emotionally there for her, no matter what the infraction.
iii) Commiserate with them, not yell, lecture, or punish them. The delivery, and the heart behind it, makes all
the difference in the world.
h) Useful phrases:
i) Really? I know you, and Im sure youll come up with something.
ii) Thats terrible. How are you going to handle it?
iii) Hmmm, thats a really interesting way to look at it. Let me know how that turns out.
iv) What a mess. Let me know what you come up with.
v) Uh-oh
vi) "How sad,"
vii) "Bummer"
viii) "This is so sad"
2) Help them address their emotions, attitude, and behavior through validation, instruction and experience.
a) First they have to identify their feelings, then they need to identify different ways of handling them.
i) Use real world examples, such as if I went and hit my boss if I were frustrated I would probably not be
employed now.
b) Validation: Let them know their feelings are real and authentic, whether or not they are realistic.
c) Instruction: Tell them that acting on their anger or desire isnt appropriate. Give them ways to deal with their
feelings, such as talking or substituting how you get what you need (for example, you get more privileges when
respectful than when demanding). Help them put their feelings to words.
d) Experience: Give them consequences for the behavior if its still inappropriate, and praise them when they take
more ownership of their behavior. They dont have to act out feelings. They can express, reflect, symbolize, or
delay gratification. Children can learn that they cant always control how they react emotionally, but they can
control how they respond behaviorally.
3) Consultant parents have very limited vocabularies, respond with the same phrases over and over throughout the
childs life, and let loving actions do the teaching.
Page 22
a) This reinforces that the parent will not take ownership of the problems or consequences caused by their
childrens bad choices, but will gladly love them through solving those problems for themselves and dealing with
the consequences.
b) Use single word reminders or questions or state facts, instead of ordering or demanding compliance.
c) Be slow to lecture, and never actually tell your kids what they have just learned. Telling your kids what to think is
counterproductive. Give them guidance, but they must think for themselves. Making enforceable statements
and giving choices forces them to think.
i) Save most of the attention for happy times. Ignore them when they misbehave.
d) If youre about to blow up, simply go brain-dead, and use a simple one-liner to let the emotional wave pass.
i) Oh-Uh, I know, Nice try, Almost had me there, lets discuss this when both of us are less emotional
about it
e) If you dont know what to do or say, say nothing or offer to simply listen if the child wants to talk about the
problem.
4) Kids who get enraged when given consequences
a) Its really tough when you worry that somehow your consequences are contributing to your childs bad
behavior. Just remember that this is about your childs behaviorthats why youre setting consequences in the
first place.
i) If his behavior escalates when you set limits or discipline him, as a parent you need to take some time away
and calm yourself down. Kids who scream and get angry are really trying to intimidate their parents so that
they wont set limits. When this happens, you need to stick with the consequence and remain as calm as
possible. Dont get sucked into your childs anger and his reactionary mode.
b) Instead, be very clear and say, This is the consequence for your behavior. If your child starts raging, you can
just turn around and leave the room (as long as he is not a toddler or younger).
i) If he makes the situation more problematic by breaking something or swearing at you, you might give him
additional consequences later. But again, you can only really do that as a parent if youre calm. Otherwise,
youll just get into a power struggle with your childand again, it becomes about you and not about his
behavior.
RP 3: Always ask questions to seek understanding and offer choices that make kids think for themselves.
1) Thinking words used in question form and expressed in enforceable statements are the key.
a) Dont tell your children what to do, but put the burden of decision making on their shoulders.
b) Dont tell them what the limits are; establish the limits by offering choices.
c) With choices, kids have no demands to react against, and the control you need is established.
d) Place the responsibility for thinking and decision making on the children.
e) Look for the presumptions, 1sthand knowledge, and hearsay. Question their presumptions to make them aware
of their delusions.
f) By using thinking words youre able to set limits on your childs behavior without telling them what to do. E.g., if
you want the lawn mowed before they eat their next meal, you set that limit by offering them a choice: mow
the lawn and eat, or not mow the lawn and not eat.
g) Children learn better from what they tell themselves than from what you tell them.
i) When you force them to do something through commands they may do it, but the motivation for obedience
comes from control.
ii) Instead, when they choose an option, they do the thinking, they make the choice and the lesson sticks.
h) Choices force the child to think; they ponder the given options and courses of action to take. They must decide.
i) When the child makes the decision, then they take responsibility for the consequences of their decision and
have an opportunity to learn from the consequences.
ii) They make the choice and suffer the consequence of that choice. They can only get angry at themselves.
iii) When the child is given choices, theres no control battle.
iv) With choices the child builds self-confidence and improves the relationship between you.
Page 23
i)
Use the Energy Drain technique: Say Im having an energy drain. I charge $1 for every minute you are
screaming. Will you be paying me with chores, toys, allowance money (or anything the child values)?
2) Instead of using command-oriented fighting words, use enforceable thinking words.
a) Kids fight against command-oriented words.
i) Commands have an implied threat in them. Fighting words invite disobedience.
ii) Parents have done all the thinking, instead of the child.
iii) When you tell them to do something, they see your words as an attempt to control the situation. Anytime
you usurp more control, it means that they have less control. They exert themselves to regain the control
they see slipping away.
iv) Fighting words invite battles you cannot win.
b) Fighting words include three types of commands:
i) Telling your kids what to do: You get to work on that lawn.
ii) Telling your kids what we will not allow: Youre not going to talk to me that way!
iii) Telling your kids we wont do for them. Im not letting you out of this house until you mow the lawn.
iv) Telling a child to stop doing this or that, such as Stop that right now!, is not an enforceable statement. All
it means is that you will have to act if the child does it again.
v) Giving the child a command, such as Go to your room, since the child still has the option of disobedience.
c) Kids who are thinking cannot fight you at the same time.
d) When kids are given the right to make decisions, there is no anger for them to rebel against.
e) Sample statements with enforceable thinking words include:
i) What you will allow Feel free to join us for your next meal as soon as the lawn is mowed.
ii) What you will do Ill be glad to read you a story as soon as youve finished your bath.
iii) What you will provide You may eat what is served, or you may wait and see if the next meal appeals to
you more.
iv) Kids have little chance to fight these statements. Theyre too busy thinking about the choices they have
been given and the consequences that may result from their choice.
f) Sample thinking words:
i) Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?
ii) Would you rather put your shoes on now or in the car?
iii) Would you rather play nicely be noisy in your room?
iv) Ill take you to your game as soon as you mow the lawn.
v) You sound upset. Ill be glad to listen as soon as your voice is as soft as mine.
vi) Make a polite request, such as I need you to move your chair back. Would you consider that for me?
vii) Id appreciate (fill in the request)
viii) Would you mind (fill in the request)
g) As with any request you must be willing to enforce a consequence if they defy your request. They must learn
that defiance doesnt pay.
3) Let your Yes be Yes, and your No be Yes too.
a) The word no is the biggest fighting word for a child. Kids hear it far too often. When kids hear no half the
time they ignore it. They hear it so much that they think it means maybe, and other times they think it really
means yes.
b) Children are always making requests for something from life and their parents. They feel entitled that they
should have it. When they ask you for something you feel is not in their best interest, instead of saying no,
simply redirect the responsibility of fulfilling their request back to the child where it belongs.
c) The rule with no is that it is used as seldom as possible. But when you do use it, you mean business. All other
times youre tempted to use no, you can avoid a fight by replacing the no with a yes to something else.
Use thinking words instead of fighting words, and you establish the behavior you want. Samples:
i) Fighting words: No, you cant go out to play until you practice your lessons.
ii) Thinking words: Yes, you may go out to play as soon as you practice your lessons.
iii) Fighting words: No you cant watch television until your chores are done.
Page 24
iv) Thinking words: Yes, you may watch television as soon as your chores are done.
4) Use dialogue talk to understand the situation, and put the burden of resolving the problem on the childs
shoulders.
a) If you dont have firsthand knowledge seek to understand what is going on. Children misbehave not only out of
defiance or avoidance of reality, but also from some of these valid reasons:
i) Hurt feelings from parents and others
ii) Anger over feelings of powerlessness in a relationship and not having enough control over oneself
iii) Trauma, such as loss of a parent or abuse the child may have suffered somewhere
iv) Medical and physical reasons
v) Psychiatric problems, such as ADD, depression, or thought disorders
vi) A recent change in the family structure, schedule or lifestyle
b) Talk to the child and ask about the situation. Do this at a time when the child is not misbehaving.
c) Use questions to understand the situation, and make the child think about their behavior and how to resolve the
problem. Questions such as: What are you going to do? How are you going to handle it?
i) Its absolutely essential that you listen without being judgmental or defensive.
d) Your child needs to know it is okay to ask for help when theyre in a crisis, is feeling overwhelmed, or has some
problem they cant solve alone.
e) Tell the child what you think if you were in the situation, and provide advice if they are open to receiving.
f) If your child makes unwise choices that result in pain, regret and suffering, show empathy without rescuing.
5) Common child behavior when they are commanded to do something.
a) Passive-aggressive: kids know they must comply with the order or else reap punishment. They channel their
anger in a way that will hurt their parents, sometimes so subtly that their parents dont know theyre being hurt.
Theyll make it sting sharply enough so that those parents will think twice before giving that order.
b) Passive-resistive: kids resist without telling their parents they are resisting. The resistance is in their actions, not
their words. E.g., when a parent tells a child to do something, the child responds by claiming they forgot the
request or with less-than-instantaneous obedience.
Act 1 Parenting Concepts:
1) Being the Captain of the Ship (i.e., family). Parent in charge, leading by example, centered, confident, calm, focused,
and peaceful amongst the chaos.
a) Before you can be a Captain of any ship, especially as a parent, you must be able to lead your self; to be your
own Captain.
b) The analogies for the relationship we can have with our children are:
i) Captain of the ship: parent is in charge, listening, giving the child voice, loving presence, but always directing
the energy flow to align to harmony, peace, and love.
ii) The two lawyers: no one is in charge. Both are bickering back and forth trying to convince the other to do
what they want. This always turns into an ego battle.
iii) The dictator: parent uses fear, manipulation, coercion, punishment, shame, guilt, bribes to control the child.
This is a reactionary, powerless place for both the parent and child.
iv) The floor mat: child in charge. Parent gives everything to the child to please the child.
2) The Five Stages of Grief:
a) Denial:
b) Anger:
c) Bargaining:
d) Disappointment: actually feeling their feelings about the situation
e) Acceptance: releasing the attachment and making peace with the situation.
f) Most people get stuck in the Denial, Anger, Bargaining stages. Known as the DAB mode.
i) In your DAB mode you are in the two lawyers, the dictator or the floor mat.
Page 25
ii) You come at your child with coaching, reasoning, justifying, etc., that the child hasnt asked for and
therefore you get stuck there until theres a blow up point by either child or parent or both. The child is not
in the left logical brain. You cant explain away their upset. Its impossible.
g) You want to move past the DAB to get to the Disappointment and Acceptance stage. Dont get stuck in the DAB.
Simply let them express their frustration so they know they are heard. This is Act One Parenting.
h) Support the child while they climb the Wall of Frustration when they dont get what they want. Helps them
adapt and cope with change and not satisfying their addictions. Essentially you apply the worksheet process to
the child to support them.
i) It is your responsibility as a parent to place healthy limits and boundaries for your childs safety, health, the
safety of others, and living in harmony with the family and society.
3) Act One Parenting:
a) See audio SoulPoweredParenting-ChrisAttwood.mp3 in Parenting as a Spiritual Path Bonus material. Start at
16 min.
b) Sample Act 1 questions:
i) That really surprised me. I'm assuming you have a really good reason for why you did that (or didn't do
that). Would you help me understand you by explaining it to me?
ii) What is it like for you to (fill in the blank, such as bored, or sad)?
c) Navigating as Captain of the ship through the childs frustration. Frustrations are related to a loss in your
childs perception. So you must allow them to express and feel the loss. You allow the child to express
themselves, and you genuinely listen to their frustrations, so that they get it that they have been listened to.
This allows them to move through their frustration to the other side of acceptance and adaptation. They make
peace with not getting what they wanted and they recover. In this process they become more resilient. They get
that they get their peace, love, joy, freedom and abundance from within.
i) If you dont do this your child will take the road to aggression to get what they want.
ii) As you listen encourage the child to express what they feel. Acknowledge and validate their perspective.
This gives them space to move into the Disappointment stage. Help them feel sad or whatever feelings they
are having about the situation, so they can feel their disappointment and move to Acceptance.
iii) Here are some keys to follow:
(1) You need to be confident, calm and in charge in the midst of chaos Captain of the Ship.
(2) Be clear on the goal and intention of your communication. Where do you want to captain the ship to?
What is it you want the child to do? What experience do you want to create? Remember, intention
directs perception, which directs behavior and your experience of life. The quality of your life depends
on the quality of your intentions.
(3) Be simple and brief in your communication.
(4) Be absolutely clear, decisive, focused, direct, absolutely certain in the direction you want the ship to
going through your communication. Leave nothing open to interpretation.
(a) Dont say you need them to do anything. This becomes dependency and a power struggle.
(b) Dont ask for their opinions.
(c) Dont let them think they can negotiate their way out of it.
(5) Ignore their words, connect to the feeling.
(6) Be empathetic and compassionate: Get alongside the child. Get into their world. Repeat back what they
said and validate their perspective. Step into their shoes. Put up boundaries with love and connection.
Unconditional Love is the true source of power.
(a) Reflect on what you might feel if you were in the other persons shoes. What underlying needs could
they be looking to satisfy? Give at least three reasons to justify their behavior. Understand that this
persons behavior (no matter how erroneous) is a reflection of inner programing that may be
trapping them in their charges. Realize this person is doing their best to make their life work and feel
loved and loving
Page 26
(7) Based on what you reflected on above (empathy) get the child to nod his head or say yes at least three
times, so they get you get them. You want to join with them and be present with their truth. Let them
know its safe for them to tell you whats true for them in that moment.
(a) Dont rationalize with them. Dont negotiate. Dont lecture to them.
(b) Get them in touch with their feelings, and that you really get their feelings.
(8) Notice when your child starts to relax and let his guard down, becomes more open and receptive.
(a) Give them a hug or high five for getting to where they are. And lead them towards the direction.
(9) Remember that what our kids want more than what they are asking for is our guidance and support.
d) Once the child has gotten to the acceptance stage they are now more open to receiving words of wisdom from
you.
Allowance & Rewards

1) Helpful rules on allowance:
a) Rule 1: Children do not earn their allowance.
i) That means we do not pay them to do their chores. The only time wed pay them for chores is when they do
our chores.
b) Rule 2: Provide the allowance at the same time each week. No exceptions.
i) When its gone, its gone. No more allowance till next week.
c) Rule 3: Never insist that the children save the allowance.
i) They cant learn how to handle money if they stash it away in their closet, saving it for when they get big.
d) Rule 4: As long as theyre not engaged in illegal activity, allow children to spend, save, or waste the money any
way they see fit.
i) They can use it to pay others to do chores. They can hire a babysitter.
2) Reward your child for these two things:
a) Acquiring new skills
b) Performing exceptionally
c) Doing something above and beyond the expectation, such as their expected chores.
3) Rewards should not be given for these:
a) Doing age-appropriate requirements for responsible living
i) These are things that should cost them if they dont do them.
b) Doing what is expected (such as chores)
4) Be careful of giving children the attitude that they only have to perform when someone pays them for it.
a) They need to learn that they will have to pay if they dont perform. This avoids the attitude of entitlement, the
feeling that many people have today that they are entitled to something for nothing.
b) It is better for them to learn that everyone in the family is required to do ones part.
Chores
1) Start doing chores together as soon as your child can walk.
a) Play, work, and have fun together. Especially, when theyre young.
b) Engage the kids to support you in practical matters of life. This way you can all spend time together and bond.
Make them your little helpers. They are also get valuable experience in being independent.
c) Say please and thank you so your kids are encouraged to say them too.
d) Do your best to help your child associate chores with good feelings, rather than negative ones.
e) Do not criticize quality. Instead, focus mostly on the amount of effort your child expends. "Wow, you're really
working hard!"
2) Model doing your own chores in front of the kids.
a) Make sure the kids see you doing chores, working hard, and struggling, and how good you feel once the chores
are done - your sense of completion and accomplishment.
b) Think out loud as you work to express how you feel. Be positive, but honest.
Page 27
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
c) In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: they must be fit for it: they
must not do too much of it: and they must have a sense of success in it.
Develop a toy lock-up or Bermuda Triangle.
a) When your child leaves toys lying around and doesn't put them away, where do they go? The Toy Bermuda
Triangle!
b) When your child asks where the toys are, respond with "When you pick up your toys you get to keep them.
When I pick up your toys they go to the Bermuda Triangle. How are you going to get them back?"
Give choices about age-appropriate chores.
a) Offer your child a choice between two chores, each of which is okay with you.
b) Give choices about deadlines to have the chores done by.
i) By next time you eat. By the time I drive you to the game.
c) Giving your child time to complete the chores gives you time to plan what to do if he doesn't.
Dont pay children for doing chores.
a) Chores are a contribution to the family, so no one gets paid for them. Explain this to the kids.
b) If the child wants to earn money help them find an extra chore.
If they forget, you do the chore. They will then pay for it with a toy (or anything of value to the child that is
appropriate).
a) Don't remind your kids to do their chores, so they can learn how to get tasks done without constant reminders.
b) If you end up doing the chore for the child, or have to pay someone to do it, say to your child "How sad.
Remember when I asked you to pick up your clothes and you didn't. I love you too much to remind you. I took
care of it. How are you going to repay me?" When your child says "I don't know", lock in empathy, ask what he's
going to do, provide options, then allow your child to choose, and learn from the choice.
Make a chart with list of chores, whos responsible, when its to be done, by what time.
Key Boundary Areas and Consequences

Exercise: Common Conflicts
1) What are the most common battles you fight with your children? Are there issues you keep coming back to? List
them.
2) In the common conflicts youve listed, how could you pull the rug out? What appropriate measures could you
take? Make specific plans.
Common boundary Issues include:
1) cleaning their room, doing their homework, displaying proper table manners, controlling tantrums
2) how to treat friends kindly, responding to authority, disagreeing while being respectful, and doing household chores
3) balancing time at home and with friends, homework and school tasks, goal orientation, and budgeting time and
money
Common Misbehaviors
1) leaving clothes and shoes randomly on the floor
2) leaving toys on the floor
3) leaving a mess when they eat
4) taking and eating food without permission
5) not cleaning up after themselves after play or eating
6) damaging home and furniture during play or tantrums
7) spilling food or drink on table and / or floor on purpose
8) spilling food or drink on table and / or floor by accident
9) splashing and fighting in bathtub
10) fighting over an object
11) fighting and bickering amongst each other
Page 28
12)
13)
14)
15)
16)
17)
18)
19)
20)
21)
22)
23)
24)
25)
26)
27)
28)
29)
disrespectful behavior toward siblings

using a toy as a weapon to hurt another
one kid hitting another for no apparent reason
escalating fight talk
bickering at / taunting each other
wild, disruptive behavior that is loud and unsettling to the family
refusing / resisting going to school or anywhere else we planned to go to
kids are chaotic and not settling down for bed
impatient general (waiting for movie / TV show, waiting for food, etc.)
disrespectful comments to parents
screaming demands to parents
refusing to do chores
disruptive behavior leads to damage of personal property (group or individual)
deliberate damage to personal property (group or individual)
damage to personal property as part of play (group or individual)
damage to personal property as an accident (group or individual)
complaining about the green drink
complaining about the family meal
Common Imposed Consequences

1) Take away the offending object or toy for the rest of the day.
a) Return it if they make up for it by being responsible: i.e., pickup their toys, cleaning up, etc.
2) Time Out, or time apart from interesting activities, and other people, for a short period of time.
a) If you cant change the behavior, change the location or context.
b) For example, a child going through a tantrum: That behavior is okay for now as long as long as I dont have to
see or hear it.
c) If they are sassing and disrespecting have them choose their banishment and stay there until they can calmly
talk about their problem.
3) Time In, is an opportunity for the parent and child to sit together to read a story, discuss an incident, or just about
any quiet time to give the child time to settle down or reflect on their behavior.
4) Change the scene to redirect and channel their attention to something else that is better suited to them and helps
them settle down and get centered. Basically moving the energy to something more creative.
a) Have them go to their room or outside to play. Depending on the time of day and weather.
b) Put on meditative music to settle down or dance.
5) Loss of privileges, such as TV, internet, Nintendo, (i.e., screen time) or fun activities.
6) Loss of freedoms.
a) This could be a short-term loss during the time theyre supposed to be doing homework.
b) During these times they dont get to play with friends or participate in fun activities.
7) Disengage from a charged or disrespectful situation until the child is ready to engage in a peaceful, calm manner.
8) Ignore the whining and explain to the child that you can have a conversation when the child is able to talk in a calm
voice.
9) Have written, win-win contracts that are signed by both parties, and displayed for all parties to review.
a) Contracts have to have actions by both parties and agreed upon consequences.
10) Coach them through their feelings, so they can express them, validate them, and direct them to empowered
expression.
11) Come up with rules for use of shared toys, equipment, or areas. Enforce the rules with consequences.
a) Rules should be about child safety and character traits.
b) Use of toys and equipment by the children is a privilege. The privilege will be revoked if the rules are not
followed. Post the rules for easy visibility.
Page 29
Character-Based Rules, Boundaries, Disciplines and Habits

Character Trait
Rules / Boundaries
Behaviors / Disciplines / Habits
Loving & Respectful to Self
and Others
Responsible
Free
Initiating
Respectful to Reality
Growing / Adapting /
Resilience / Fail Fast, Fail
Forward
Oriented Toward Truth
Oriented to Transcending
the Ego
The above rules, boundaries, behaviors, disciplines and habits are designed to teach the character traits to the kids.
Empowered Parent Disciplines and Habits
1) Before engaging with the kids review the Clarity and Focus Habit: Distraction Awareness and Elimination habit to
clear your mind and prepare you to focus fully on your kids.
2) Read them a story that relates to the character traits at least 1x/day.
3) Engage in play with them at least 1x/week.
4) Find every opportunity to bond with the kids, and show them how much you love them.
5) Schedule fun activities as rewards for positive behavior.
6) Use every day, real world examples from life (movies, news, stories) to teach the character traits.
7) Proactively address repeated behavioral patterns that are indicating flawed character.
Summary of Empowered Parent Model

1) The ultimate Prime Directive of a Parent is to train the child, guide her, and set her free to become her own person.
2) What you give to your kids (your job as a parent):
a) Unconditional love, empathy, and respect no matter what the behavior
i) Reject the behavior, and love the child
b) Choices and boundaries / consequences / guidelines with the choices (rather than using force)
c) Hold them accountable for their actions, whatever those actions are, to help the child learn from their
experiences
d) High expectations and firm limits (reality) that teach character traits and truth principles
e) Some freedom within those limits
f) Consistent, decisive, loving discipline
g) Time and encouragement to struggle through difficult problems
h) Guidance in solving problems within those challenges
i) An understanding of the difference between needs and wants true needs must always be answered
j) Positive, self-confident role model that takes care of themselves by showing self-respect
3) Quotes that summarize the key concepts:
a) Give freedom, require responsibility, render consequences and be loving throughout.
i) Freedom = Responsibility = Consequences = Love
b) "Give a person grace (unmerited favor) and truth (structure), and do that over time, and you have the greatest
chance of this person growing into a person of good character. Grace includes support, resources, unconditional
love, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. Truth is the structure of life (limits and boundaries that teach
Page 30
4)
5)
6)
7)
character traits and truth principles); it tells us how we are supposed to live our lives in alignment to God's laws,
and how life really works.
c) Reality discipline accepts no excuses.
Consistency and Repetition in your well thought out responses to your child will change their behavior pattern.
Thats all it takes; no story, no judgment (i.e., creating BAD), no B.S. Just a consistent, repetitive response to their
behavior that is aligned to the character traits of powerful kids.
Emphasize order and the need for order. Completing cycles; B doesnt happen until A is complete. This concept
reinforces obedience and emphasizes that in all the Universe there is order.
Use every opportunity to model the key character traits and principles while with your child. Play more with them at
whatever activity theyre engaged in, not so that you can be entertained (or to entertain your kids), but that you can
use those times to model the character traits, teach interesting things, and build a relationship with them.
a) Play with them as if you were their peer. No discipline, just play and fun.
b) Put aside all your agendas and immerse yourself in their play and imaginary world.
The self-fulfilling prophecy:
a) Children will respond to how you see them: your expectations related to their competence and abilities.
b) Speak the truth about your kids to others: their talents and gifts, and challenges for growth. Don't complain to
others about your kids. This only reinforces your powerlessness and makes you a victim of your kids.
Complaining is a way of not taking responsibility for your part, and is a projection primarily of your
powerlessness within. Admit into your consciousness only those things you wish to bring about. Look for the
positive and beautiful in them. When you see your kids expressing these qualities speak it, and you will be
speaking the truth.
Empowered Parent Pyramid

1) Unconditional Love and Empathy is the foundation of your relationship with your kids. And your relationship is at
the foundation of everything. Without connection there is no relationship. Without relationship there is nothing.
a) Show them they are loved unconditionally no matter what. Connect with them in dialogue talk to support them
in their learning process. Show them they belong and are an integral part of the family. Spend regular,
consistent time together doing ordinary things or making memories by doing fun, extraordinary things.
b) Remember that what our kids want more than what they are asking for is our guidance and support. That means
teaching them how to be successful in life.
c) If there is no sense of belonging in your home, there will be no relationship. Without a relationship, your rules,
your words, and your actions mean nothing.
Page 31
2) Give them Freedom, respect their unique expression, their unique POVs. Allow them to pursue their passions. Dont
pretend that you know whats best for them. Dont belittle their perspective. Instead, go deeper and understand
their POV.
a) Make open-ended statements, such as, Ive never thought about it that way. Tell me more. See things from
their perspective, understand why its valid.
b) Give them age appropriate choices and say in the matter.
3) Give them Responsibilities to build their competence and independence. Dont treat them as disempowered beings.
Treat them as powerful human beings capable of anything (age appropriate).
4) Hold them Accountable for their results, mishaps and missing the mark. Let reality be their teacher. Expect the very
best from them. Encourage them to keep striving to improve and be their best. Dont ask them to do the right thing,
expect it. Be absolutely consistent in your response so that they learn the new patterns.
a) Dont remind them more than once.
b) Follow through on the consequence with love, empathy, and neutrality. Remember, when nature has a
consequence it shows no judgment. It simply has the consequence.
c) Appreciate their effort, the act (rather than the child), and encourage them to continue to improve.
5) Empower them to Learn from their mistakes, and grow as powerful human beings. If they made a mistake, have
them go back and correct it with the person.
1) Your child is misbehaving for a reason. More than anything else, she needs a relationship with you. Most of the
times they misbehave just to get attention from you. They are operating at the LCoCs and they want protection and
guidance from you.
a) Be compassionate with them. Theyre doing the best they can with what they have.
2) Your child will make mistakes and misbehave in the way they go about getting what they want. They are young and
are learning. This is why empathy and compassion are so important in your response to their behavior.
3) Consistency and repetition in your attitude, behavior, and character breeds contentment in your child. She can know
that the rules wont change based on your moods or life circumstances. Expect the best from them and they will
respond in kind.
4) Your source of your power to influence your kids is that you hold all the cards. They are completely dependent upon
you for their survival; you need nothing from them. Give them what is free your unconditional love. They're not
entitled to anything else.
Page 32
Belief Affirmations
1) I am calm, centered and focused amongst the apparent external chaos, noise, and messiness.
2) I respond to my kids misbehaviors only when Im calm and centered.
3) I put my relationships with my kids above my agenda.
4) I am fully present with my kids when Im in their space, with a focus on increasing the quality of my time with them.
5) I use mistakes and misbehaviors of my kids as opportunities to teach and model empowered behavior that align to
the key character traits of empowered kids.
6) I approach my kids as unique, sovereign expressions of the Divine worthy of my unconditional love, respect, and
admiration.
7) I compliment my children more often than I espouse unrequested advice.
8) I am grateful for my kids and the lessons they teach me.
9) I am grateful for Jennifers commitment and contribution to the family.
Reducing Power/Control Struggles:
1) Try not to make it personal instead of talking about a bad child, talk about the rule, principle, or character, and
the childs behavior.
a) Implement consequences calmly and in a neutral tone.
2) State your expectation (request, demand, rule) only once. Dont pretend that your child is deaf. If they are not
obeying you, they have decided not to obey you. The ball is now in your court! Time for a lesson: compliance,
cooperation, negotiation, doing your part, etc.
a) Set clear expectations and boundaries, and be consistent.
3) Follow up only with questions. Toss the ball back into their court, by finding out why your request or demand is not
being followed. This questioning about the defiance prevents the child/youth from being able to avoid the issue. You
want to find out what it is they are struggling with so you can help. Maybe its just that they dont like to do things
they dont want to do. Well, who does! Maybe they are caught in magical thinking that the world will revolve around
them and what they want to do, and other people and what they might need are not important.
4) Keep the focus on the lesson, not on your personal issue that they are not obeying your request. Use this moment,
this struggle, to introduce or reinforce notions of responsibility and cooperation. Reframing the situation so that
the focus is on the child/teen, rather than on your ability to control them, reduces the potential stress of such
confrontations, keeps the relationship more positive, and keeps problems with compliance in the appropriate place.
5) Be watchful of language. Be careful about using controlling language, both because it is not accurate, and because
it tends to divert attention. You want to use these moments to bring home the truth of choosing your own
consequences by choosing your own actions. The issue is not what you can make them do, but what they decide to
do, and how this will impact them. The truth is, kids have a choice about almost everything. Our task is to help them
to choose wisely, and to understand the results of the choices they make. Ultimately, the quality of our lives is
determined by the choices we make and the consequences they bring. Heres a chance to practice.
Page 33
6) Allow the child/youth to save face if other children siblings, friends are witnessing the standoff between parent
and child.
7) Always remain aware of your own internal process. Keep the issues clear. Check yourself if you notice that your ego
is feeling challenged, or your self-worth undermined. You may need a minute to adjust your own attitude before
continuing to deal with them.
Win-Win:
The positive outcome for children is that they will have the opportunity to practice at home dealing with a struggle
that will continue their entire lives, i.e. how to manage the tension brought about by having demands made on us that
are contrary to what we want to do. Mature people negotiate. No one likes feeling controlled. Learning how to
negotiate, how to find a way for both people with contrary wishes to work something out, will be a lesson that will serve
them well for the rest of their life. The positive outcome for parents is to know that one of our jobs as parents is to be
coaches in the game of life and guides on the path to maturity.
Useful Strategies:
1) Kids younger than 3 or 4:
a) Respond with empathy
b) Change your child's location or remove the "offending" object - or both
c) Don't warn, lecture, or remind - let the actions speak louder than words.
2) Helping kids own and solve their problems
a) Lock in empathy.
b) Ask your child "What are you going to do?"
c) When your child says "I don't know", ask "Would you like to hear some ideas?"
d) Offer no more than three solutions. After each one ask "How would that work?"
e) Allow the child to choose and learn from the choice.
3) Neutralizing charged situations:
a) Go brain dead, smile, and pause - look at your child without speaking, until he asks "What?"
b) Choose an empathetic one-liner.
c) Keep repeating the same one-liner over and over, such as "I love you too much to argue."
d) If the child continues, walk away. If they follow, resort to an "energy drain".
4) Delaying Consequences - to give you time to think
a) Say "I'll have to do something about this, but not now. Try not to worry about it though."
b) Put together a plan that fits the misbehavior. Make sure the consequence is appropriate.
c) Deliver the consequences with lots of empathy.
5) Rules for Appropriate Consequences
a) Fit the misbehavior.
b) Focus on bad choices, not bad children.
c) Addresses the present, not the past.
d) Are not accompanied by lectures, reminders or guilt / shame trips.
e) Use thinking words that inform the child what you will do, not what the child has to do.
f) Enforceable.
g) Teach the child wisdom.
Exercise: What Must You Stop Doing?
1) Write a list of all the activities, reactions, thoughts, and expressions that you must stop doing to embody the highest
and best of this model.
2) Circle the top 5% that you do 95% of the time, and that if you stopped doing it would make the most difference in
your relationships with your kids. Remember, 95% of your reactions are based on sub-conscious habit patterns that
no longer serve you or your children.
Page 34
3) Sample list:
a) Chasing after the kids.
b) Man-handling them to get them to do what I want
c) Screaming more than once
d) Reacting to their anger, frustrations
e) Justifying your consequences
f) Lecturing after misbehavior
g) Repeating myself more than once
Exercise: Proactive Empowered Response Worksheet
1) Whats the situation?
a) Is this a mountain or a molehill? Consider 95/5 rule. Is this in the top 5% of situations that occur 95% of the
time?
2) How would you diagnose it?
3) Whats the purposive nature of the behavior? Why are they doing what they are doing?
4) How do you feel about the behavior?
5) What would you normally do? Think it through.
a) Generally, what you have been doing is whats not working, the Unhealthy Parental Response.
6) Now what would you do differently? Whose problem is it? Have you left the ball in the childs court, or are you
attempting to dribble it yourself?
a) What is the polar opposite of what you have been doing that doesnt work?
b) Whats the middle ground? Generally, this will be the right response.
Use the above diagram to draw out a table that covers each item in the diagram. Using the principles in this framework
reverse engineer the appropriate parent response to produce the desired perceptions in the child. You dont want to
reinforce the Lower CoCs that initiated the misperception and resulting negative / destructive behavior. You want to
reinforce the positive, Higher CoC behaviors and the character traits of powerful children with encouragement. Start
with intention: what outcome do you want in the child, then work backwards to identify the most appropriate parental
response / strategy.
Behavior
Unhealthy Parental
Childs Perception of
Healthy Parental
Childs Perception
Reaction
Self
Response / Strategy
Negative / Destructive
Positive / Creative
The Healthy / Empowered Parent Response always comes down to reinforcing the character traits of powerful kids. How
it is reinforced is not whats important. What is important is that the parental response has, as first and foremost,
embedded the character traits within it in some way.
Page 35
List the child perceptions for each character trait. Then identify sample responses for each.
Character Trait
Desired Childs Perceptions
Parent Responses / Strategy
General Response Structure:

1) For Positive Behavior use encouragement PW I
2) For Negative Behavior: Map to character trait, then use F-M-F response / strategy
3) Female Male Female
a) Unconditional Love for yourself and others.
i) Its because you love yourself, first and foremost, and your children that you are imposing the limit or
boundary to both respect yourself, and to teach your children the principles and traits that will help them
become powerful, loving, creative members of society.
b) Principles / Character Traits
i) Identify the character trait or principle to apply.
ii) Offer them choices that encourage them to take responsibility for their actions.
iii) Challenge them to make them think and resolve their issues.
iv) Apply the boundary / limit with love.
c) Finish by offering Empathy, Support, and Understanding
i) Solidify the receptivity of the principle / character trait.
ii) Note the understanding comes in afterward when your child is open to receiving, and the two of you can
discuss what happened, validate child perceptions, and reinforce the character traits.
iii) Give thanks for the opportunity; release all the results to God.
PAUSE -> RELECT -> RESPOND
1) PAUSE
a) Break the cycle of the ego-mind delusion / amygdala hijack, and lead with your heart. This is the most
important step in this entire process.
b) Allow the emotional wave to pass and dissipate before you do anything.
c) Whatever you do, never beat or bully your child into submission.
i) Its better to walk away and separate yourself from the child until you calm down enough. Keep repeating
this mantra: walk away, walk away, walk away; this too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.
d) Don't scream or yell at them unless it's an absolute emergency.
e) Dont give consequences when youre upset. Wait till the emotional wave has passed, then engage the child
with a discussion or impose the proper consequence.
Page 36
f)
Shift out of the Lower CoCs. Let go of Rxx your kids, your life. Rxx / creating BAD leads to suffering. Open your
heart to ALL. Embrace your life and your kids. Willingly choose your life now! Reflect on PW 1.2.
2) REFLECT
a) Reflect on your purpose as a father: to teach principles and character traits that will empower them to live a life
of joy and service.
i) Choose your role as the parent and its associated duties and responsibilities. Choose your kids.
ii) Kids are supposed to test your boundaries with a default behavior that is destructive, loud and aggressive,
and through this process learn about reality, relationship, and responsibility. This is the trying-failinglearning process. Your job is to teach them when they fail.
iii) Being a parent takes time, dedication, attention, and energy. Be Unconditional in this.
iv) Remember, its about the lesson that relates to the character traits and principles you are trying to teach.
v) See the misbehavior as an opportunity to teach a character trait, principle, or enforce a family rule.
vi) Give them the opportunity to make mistakes, so long as they learn from the mistake. Mistakes are far better
than passivity.
b) Identify the type of consequence: natural, imposed / logical, or losing privileges.
i) Provide the child with choices that have real life (or logical) cause-effect relationships.
ii) Your boundaries are generally the most appropriate. Put yourself first.
iii) Consider how you would want your child to treat you if the roles were reversed?
iv) What would your (boss, police, owner, or proper authority) do if you had behaved the same way?
3) RESPOND
a) Don't try to reason, or use too many words with a child in a charged state.
b) Say things once, using simple, straight-forward words, and follow through with a consequence immediately.
c) Impose the limit & boundary (reality) with unconditional love and empathy.
d) Ask for the behavior you want, instead of what NOT to do.
e) Say it once. Turn around. Walk Away.
f) Speak the way you want to be spoken to. Get on your kids eye level when you are communicating something
important; use a tone of voice that is sincere.
g) Apply the empathy and reality formula. Limits with Love. Love first; set limits second. They must know they are
loved unconditionally by you throughout this learning process.
h) The limit is reality if you keep it. Children will respect the limit because it is real and is not going away. After the
children protest, reality is still reality, and their protest will soon give into sadness and adjustment to reality.
i) Dont argue, shame, condemn, or otherwise lecture the child. Otherwise, you become the problem, rather than
reality. Your job is only to provide the limit (reality) with unconditional love and empathy.
j) Keep lectures or lessons out of the interaction until you know your child has dealt with their feelings.
k) The guiding principle here is: your relationship with your child is bigger than this conflict, feeling, or experience.
4) Heres what the process looks like:
a) Children protest the limit.
b) They try to change the limit and punish the one setting it.
c) You hold firm on the limit, applying the reality and empathy formula.
d) Respond consistently and repetitively every time to their misbehavior.
e) Children accept the limit (as real), and develop a more loving attitude toward it.
i) It may take as little as one or up to 10 times repeating this cycle before the child accepts it as a limit.
f)
Page 37
Top 10 Guidelines
1) Be 100% consistent in your behavior (action, not words). Youre trying to forge a new neural pathway in your child.
Youre retraining your child and yourself to behave differently. Your kid needs to know you mean business.
2) Always follow through on what you say you will do. No matter the circumstances, what you say is what you do. If
you dont follow through, your child doubt you, and she will challenge everything you say, because she feels she can
control you.
3) Never promise your children anything. Itss impossible to control all your circumstances and youre not perfect.
4) Respond, don react. Model self-control. Use actions, not words. Close your mouth, think, and respond to the
situation rather than reacting to it. PAUSE -> REFLECT RESPOND
5) Never threaten your kids. The problem with threats is that your children know you dont mean them, because you
rarely follow through on them.
6) Apologize quickly when you get angry or frustrated. Dont let your children control your moods.
7) Dont give any warnings, reminders, or coaxing. If you warn or remind your child, youre saying, Youre too stupid,
I have to tell you twice. Your goal is to get your children to listen, listen once, hear what you have to say, and act on
it. B doesnt happen until A is complete.
8) Ask yourself, Whose problem is this? Keep the ball of responsibility in your childs court. Dont take over what she
should be doing herself. Your only job is to give them unconditional love, empathy, and meet basic survival needs.
Other than that, their wants are their problem. Their problems are theirs to solve.
9) Dont think the misbehavior will go away. Be proactive in addressing the misbehaviors. So if theres a problem with
the relationship, you dont look at life outside the home until it is solved.
10) Keep a happy face on, even when you want to do something else.
a) Fake it till you make it. Your internal experience will conform to your external expression with repetition.
Response Worksheet:
1) Scenario: What happened? Describe the childs behavior?
a) Was there a breach of contract, physical harm to another, or damage to private property?
2) Identify the character trait or principle violated.
a) Remember that it is the behavior that is a problem, not the child.
3) Who or what did the childs behavior impact?
4) How do you feel about the situation?
a) Some of the more common responses to childrens defiant behavior include: anger, frustration, fear, feeling
overwhelmed, wanting to escape, feeling sick or queasy.
b) What do you secretly wish would happen?
c) Ask them to consider the impact of their actions on others.
5) What underlying need are they trying to fulfill with their behavior? List at least three possibilities.
a) Put yourself at the level of maturity of your child.
b) Distinguish between needs and wants. Consistently meet their needs while setting limits on their wants.
c) Why is your child acting out? Are there times of the day or specific activities when challenging behavior is most
likely to occur? Could other children or adults in close proximity be a trigger? Are there environmental
conditions that may be a factor? (e.g., too warm, too cold, too crowded, too much noise, too chaotic, weather
conditions). Or can any of these circumstances be a factor: illness, allergies, change in diet, medication change,
hunger, parties or crowds, change in caregiver, fatigue, change in routine?
d) Children do not handle transitions well. Take some time to help them through a transition period. Don't just
jump into any activity, as they may be resisting the transition itself, not the activity.
e) Other reasons may include:
i) To get your attention.
ii) To get power.
iii) To get even. They feel they have been wronged.
iv) Because they feel inadequate.
Page 38
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
11)
12)
13)
14)
15)
v) They feel they have been cheated, they havent been given their fair share, or that they have been treated
unfairly.
f) Listen without being defensive or judgmental. Thank them for sharing afterward.
What was your part in creating this problem? What are you doing to keep him from experiencing the problem?
Should the consequence be natural, imposed / logical, or losing a privilege?
Put yourself into the situation and their behavior. What would the natural consequence be if you had expressed that
behavior? What would the imposed consequence be when you put yourself first? What is your natural boundary in
this situation? Now translate that to an appropriate consequence for the child.
a) Consider how you would want your child to treat you if the roles were reversed?
b) Provide the child with choices that have real life (or logical) cause-effect relationships.
c) Your boundaries are generally the most appropriate. Put yourself first.
d) What would your (boss, police, owner, or proper authority) do if you had behaved the same way?
If possible, let the child help decide the consequence.
a) Because the problem is the child's and she is in charge of the choices she makes, it's a good idea to ask her what
she thinks a good consequence might be. This makes it more likely that the child will do what you ask. And if she
chooses not to do it, she was part of the team that decided what the consequence would be.
What key character trait(s) can you teach with this?
Checklist for setting limits and choices:
a) Why am I making this rule? Is it to teach an important skill to my child? Is it to avoid dealing with an underlying
issue? What is my motivation? Is this my response because I am tired, stretched thin or stressed?
b) How will my behavior with my children today affect their adjustment to life later?
c) Freedom = Responsibility = Consequences = Love
d) Separate the deed from the doer.
e) No emotional reactions that would make her a problem for you. Do not shame or punish the child.
f) Not being victimized by the behavior of the child.
g) Making sure the behavior cost the child the opportunity to do something that she valued.
h) Make it about the current and future behavior, not the past.
i) No nagging along the way.
j) We cant overemphasize the role of empathy for the child who makes a bad choice. It builds a bridge to you
instead of a barrier.
Pathways and Response Principles:
a) Provide a strong dose of empathy before delivering consequences.
b) Don't destroy the learning opportunity of mistakes by lecturing or responding with anger.
c) Turn every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity.
Other considerations:
a) How can we inject Play and Fun into this situation?
b) How can we make this a Learning Opportunity?
c) How can we transform this into a Triumph?
Practice:
a) Visualize it: standing tall, looking directly into your childs eyes and having a perfect right to expect what you are
about to request. Check yourself in the mirror.
b) Imagine the sound of your voice.
c) Try it out on your spouse, friends and get their feedback. Iterate and improve.
i) Role play have one of you play the child and respond as if they were the child.
d) Rehearse this until you get it in your heart.
Remember, it takes about 3-4 cycles for the child to get the picture of the cause-effect relationship for the
consequence. Stick to your word no matter the tantrum.
Getting Started
1) Implement the plan.
Page 39
a) Prepare to be tested, and stick to the plan. Do not waiver from imposing the consequences.
2) Experiment
3) Make adjustments and keep moving forward.
a) Fail Fast, Fail Forward.
Resources:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
Parenting with Love and Logic, Foster Cline and Jim Fay
"Boundaries with Kids", Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (book and dvd)
Living Joyfully with Children, Win and Bill Sweet
Time Timer
Beethoven type music
Teaching resources
a) http://www.k5learning.com/
b) http://www.mathworksheets4kids.com/
Worksheets
Page 40

Empowered Father Framework

Uploaded by

Document Information

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Empowered Father Framework

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Empowered Parent Framework

Reducing Power/Control Struggles: .............................................................................................................................. 33

Empowered Parent Framework

The Three Roles of a Parent

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Key Character Traits to Instill in your Child

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

Allowance & Rewards

Key Boundary Areas and Consequences

disrespectful behavior toward siblings

Common Imposed Consequences

Character-Based Rules, Boundaries, Disciplines and Habits

Summary of Empowered Parent Model

Empowered Parent Pyramid

Empowered Parent Framework

Empowered Parent Framework

General Response Structure:

PAUSE -> RELECT -> RESPOND

Empowered Parent Framework

You might also like