16 / 20

VERY GOOD JOB! NICE easy conversational writing style. GREAT attribution.
NOTE: its not period said, its comma said = I have a dream, said MLK . . .
Ryan Love

ga0701@wayne.edu
(313) 850-6662
"Outsider Experience"
Due: September 13, 2016
~ ERROR KEY CODE ~
PLAGARISM Not your words
GRAMMAR / AP STYLE / FACT ERROR
WIND-UP / DOING TOO MUCH Ask yourself: Says who?
You are posing hypotheticals/trying to make/get to/talk around
a point w/o stating opinion, when a quote from a source would do!
UNATTRIBUTED FACT / OPINION / POINT OF VIEW =
ASK YOURSELF: SAYS WHO? HOW DO I KNOW THAT?
You state a fact that is not common knowledge.
Your wording expresses or adopts a point of view.
Your wording shows agreement/disagreement with the source.
You employ creative writing style and/or modifying adjectives.
You include your HOPES & DREAMS FOR A BETTER WORLD.
YOUR VOICE HIGHLIGHTING YOU Ask yourself: Says who?
You are showing up in the article by narrating the action
or speaking directly to the reader.
You present your own facts/ thoughts/analysis/conclusions = essay style.
MIND READING WWW pg. 187 & 329
How do you know what your source thinks? Believes?
AWKWARD PHRASING
Stiff or confusing wording you would never use in conversation
Vague / Unclear / Confusing / Wordy
Confusing / Wordy
ORGANIZATION
Problem with ordering of information

Jasmine Graham, a broadcast journalism student at Wayne State University, said she first felt like
and outsider when learning about basic history in elementary school. [good sentence! but
because your reader doesnt know why on earth this article is about being an outsider, a small
tweak will more set the scene]

Jasmine Graham, an African-American broadcast journalism student at Wayne State University, said
when she was learning about basic history in elementary school she felt like an outsider in a class
where the majority of students were white.

Graham attended Westview Elementary School in Warren where she said she was "one of three
black people" in her grade from the 1st through 5th grades.

"That is when we started talking about slavery and how the country treated black people." said
Graham.

"In that moment, I felt on the outside." she said.

Graham says she has always felt included in groups of her peers due in part to her "loud and
expressive personality."

"I can talk to anyone and I get along with a lot of people so I guess you could say there has never
been a doubt in my mind." she said.

However, Graham says, she felt uncomfortable while learning about slavery in elementary school
due to her white classmates reactions toward her and her one black classmate.

"Students looked at me and the other black boy in the class every time the word slave was
mentioned." she said.

"It's like they were checking to see if we were still brown." O

Grahams says she had largest the biggest problem with the way her elementary school teachers
presented the history of black people.

"I was more interested in why my teachers were only talking about how my people were beaten,
killed and discriminated against." she said.

According to <sounds like we doubt her : >] Graham says, schools need to change the way they
teach the history of African Americans in order to include more than just their shortcomings and
misfortune.

"My teachers and my elementary school should have spoke as much about black excellence as
they did black oppression." she said.

"If I would have known the greatness of people of color, I wouldnt have felt so bad about the
fact that so much of my population was killed off during that time." O

Graham says that changes to how these lessons are taught in school are important in stopping
young black students from feeling left out.