Julius Caesar

Act 4 Scene 3
As Adapted by Laurel Button
Note: Brutus and Cassius are secretly gay lovers doing a terrible job at hiding it.
BRUTUS, Stage Left, sits muttering to himself
BRUTUS: Its cool, whatever. My soldiers dont need to be paid. Cass can accept any bribe he wants, but
when it comes to a legal payment, noooooo!
He rolls his eyes.
CASSIUS enters Stage Right, strutting towards Brutus
CASSIUS: What is this I hear of you wishing to kill Lucius?
BRUTUS: (Sneering). Nothing thats any of your beeswax, thats what
CASSIUS: Mithrass shit! You never talk to me about anything. What is the point in being partners if
youre just going to ignore everything I say? Huh?
BRUTUS: (Mocking CASSIUS). Whats the point of being business partners if youre just going to
ignore everything I saaaay? Mlehhhhhh.
CASSIUS: Really cute, Rootie. Reeeaaally cute.
BRUTUS: Speaking of ignoring your partner, my men still havent been paid!
CASSIUS: (Snapping his fingers). Ah ah ah, dont you go changing the subject! I know you read my
messagekilling Lucius is NOT the right choice! We should just accept the bribe and move on!
BRUTUS: (Obviously playing dumb). What message? I have no idea what letter youre talking about.
CASSIUS: You know exactly what letter Im talking about, Mister! We cant just kill Lucius.
BRUTUS: Why not, huh? We stabbed Caesar, and everybody looooved him! No one even really fucking
knows who Lucius Pella is.
CASSIUS: We killed Caesar because it was the best thing we could do for us. If we start murdering over
petty things like bribery or
BRUTUS: (Cutting of CASSIUS). Speaking of ignoring lettersmy men still have not been paid.
CASSIUS: What did I say about changing the subject!
BRUTUS: Oh Im Cassius; I get to control the conversation! I dont pay soldiers but Ill gladly accept
bribes on behalf of everyone. Arent I coooool?
CASSIUS: Okay, I do NOT sound like that! Besides, I dont even fucking get why youre so upset! I
replied as soon as I got it. They should have already been paid!
BRUTUS: Like Pluto you did! I dont even know who you are anymore
CASSIUS: Rootie, I swear! Look

CASSIUS pulls out his phone, an old flip phone like a Razr or a Sidekick, and clicks on his conversation
with BRUTUS. The message is still in his outbox.
CASSIUS: Oh shit, I guess it never sent.
BRUTUS: You mean you didnt even check?! No one got fucking paid because you into a gods damn
tunnel and didnt check that your message sent?! Why do you think I never replied?!
CASSIUS: I just thought you were ignoring my message, like you had the one about Lucius! Im sorry!
BRUTUS: Oh, puh-lease. Jules never pulled this kind of shit.
CASSIUS: (Getting overly defensive): Too bad, you fucking stabbed him! Now you just have to deal with
me! Actually, you know what?!
CASSIUS pulls out a bow knife, hands it to BRUTUS, and turns around
CASSIUS: Why dont you just stab me, too, while youre at it? Go on, do it! You loved Caesar and you
stabbed himI can only imagine what youll do to me if you dont care about me as much as you did
him! Why dont you just fucking stab me?!
BRUTUS throws the knife out of the tent. A soldier effeminately yells out.
SOLDIER enters from the direction that the knife was thrown. Its currently stuck in his sternum.
SOLDIER: Dude, Im Cezr, not Caesar!
SOLDIER exits back in the direction he came.
BRUTUS: (Ignoring the soldier) You sound exactly like your mother!
CASSIUS: (Gasping). You take that back, you illegitimate son of Jupiter!
BRUTUS: Name-calling. Really mature. You know what? Maybe you should just go.
CASSIUS: Yeah. Maybe I should.
They stare at each other angrily. After a beat or two, CASSIUS accidentally cracks a smile. This causes
BRUTUS to struggle to contain his composure. Another few beats later, theyre both laughing.
BRUTUS: Come on, lets go tell the soldiers that theyll be getting their gold.
The two go to exit when the POET enters Stage Right.
POET: Im glad you too have made amends because Brutus is gonna need some friends.
CASSIUS: Of course, were friends, silly.
POET: Well, as dying goes, youre on a roll, because Portias died from swallowing coals
POET exits Stage Right, walking backwards with a nervous look on his face.
BRUTUS: (Rolling his eyes). Speaking of over-dramatic.