Wifehood and Motherhood

are Not the Only Ways to

Paradise
by Maryam Amirebrahimi
October 7, 2011
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10 min read

Why are you majoring in that field? I asked a sister in college. She
sighed, To be honest, I just want to get married. I dont really care about
what Im studying right now. Im just waiting to get hitched so I can be a
wife and a mother.
Its awesome that she wants to be a wife and a mother, but why would
she put her life on hold? I wondered. Why would a skilled, passionate
young woman create barriers to striving for self-improvement and her
ability to be socially transformative when she doesnt yet have the
responsibilities of wifehood or motherhood? Being a wife and a mom are
great blessings, but before it actually happens, why exchange tangible
opportunities, just waiting for marriage to simply come alongif it came
along? I didnt have to look far to find out.
Im already twenty-six, another sister lamented. Im expired. My
parents are going crazy. They think Im never going to get married and
they pressure me about it daily. My moms friends keep calling her and
telling her Im not getting any younger. She keeps crying over it and says
shell never be a grandma. Its not like I dont want to get married; Ive
been ready since college! I just cant find the right guy, she cried.
Why, as a general community, are we not putting the same pressure on
women to encourage them to continue to seek Islamic knowledge? Higher
education? To make objectives in their lives which will carry over and aid
them in their future familial lives, if such is what is meant for them?
Perhaps its because were obsessed with the idea that women need to get

married and become mothers and that if they dont, they have not
reached true success.
We all know the honorable and weighty status of wifehood and
motherhood in Islam. We all know that marriage completes half your

deen1 and that the Prophet ( peace be upon him) has told us about the
mother, [] Paradise is at her feet.2

But getting married and becoming a mother is not the only way to get into
Paradise. And not every grown woman is a wife and/or mother, nor will
ever be. Some women will eventually become wives and/or mothers, if
Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) blesses them with such, but for
others, Allah (swt) has blessed them with other opportunities.
Allah (swt) did not create women for the sake of wifehood or motherhood.
This is not our first goal, nor our end goal. Our creation was to fulfill our
first and most important roleto be His SLAVE. As He tells us in Surah
Dhaariyat (Chapter of the Winnowing Winds), And I did not create the jinn
and humankind except to worship Me.3
Worship comes in such a variety of forms. Being a housewife (a.k.a.
domestic engineer!) can be a form of worship. Being a stay-at-home-mom
can be a form of worship. Being a working wife and mother can be a form
of worship. Being an unmarried female student can be a form of worship.
Being a divorced female doctor, a female journalist, Islamic scholar, film
director, pastry chef, teacher, veterinarian, engineer, personal trainer,
lawyer, artist, nurse, Quran teacher, psychologist, pharmacist or salon
artist can each be a form of worship. Just being an awesome daughter or
house-fixer upper can be forms of worship. We can worship Allah (swt) in a
variety of ways, as long as we have a sincere intention, and what we do is
done within the guidelines He has set for us.
Unfortunately, however, that is not the message our community is sending
to single sisters both those who have never been married, and those who
are now divorced. When I speak to many women and ask them about the
ways they want to contribute to society and the ways they want to use
their time and abilities, a number of them will tell me that they have no
idea and that theyre only going through the motions of school or work

while theyre waiting for Prince Muslim to come along and with whom they
can establish parenthood.
However, Prince Muslim is not coming along quickly or easily for many
awesome, eligible Muslim women. And for some, he has come along, and
he or the institution of their relationship turned out to be more villainous
than harmonious. Single and never married or divorced very capable
and intelligent Muslim women constantly have to deal with the pressure of
being asked, Sowhen are you getting married? You arent getting any
younger. Its harder to have kids when youre older.
The amount of tears, pain, stress, anger and frustration which these
awesome women are constantly dealing with because of a social pressure
to get married (especially when many already want to, but are just not
finding the right person!) and have children is not from our religion.
Islam gave women scholarship. Our history is filled with women who have
dedicated their lives to teaching Islamic sciences. Have you ever heard of
Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr? She was a scholar who was born around the year
522. Her father, Sa`d al Khayr, was also a scholar. He held several classes
and was most particular about [his daughters] attending hadith classes,
traveling with them extensively and repeatedly to different teachers. He
also taught them himself.4 Fatimah studied the works of the great alTabarani with the lead narrator of his works in her time. You know who
that lead narrator was? The lead narrator of Fatimahs time was not named
Abu someone (the father of someone, indicating that he was a male). The
leading scholar of her time was a woman. Her name was Fatimah alJuzadniyyah and she is the scholar who men and women alike would study
under because in that era, she was the greatest and most knowledgeable
in some of the classical texts.5 Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr eventually married
and moved to Damascus and eventually to Cairo and she continued to
teach. Many scholars travelled specifically to her city so they could study
under her.6
Fatimah was brought up in a family that valued the education and
knowledge of a woman to the point that her father was the one who would

ensure she studied with scholars from a young age. Before marriage, she
was not told to sit around and be inactive in the community out of fear
that some men would find an educated woman unattractive or intimidating
and would not want to marry her. She was not going through the motions
of studying random things in college because she was stalling until she got
married. She sought scholarship and Allah (swt) blessed her with a
husband who was of her ranking, who understood her qualifications and
drive, and who supported her efforts to continue teaching this religion
even after marriage. She left a legacy we unfortunately have most likely
never heard about because we rarely hear about the over eight thousand
female scholars of hadith who are part of our history.7
Why do we never hear about Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr and the thousands of
female scholars who were like her? I think that one of the reasonsand its
just a personal theorythat as a community, we are so focused on
grooming our women to be wives and mothers that we lose sight of the
fact that this is not even our number one role.
Servitude to Allah (swt) is our number one role. We need to use what He
has given us, the means that we have at the moment we have, to worship
Him in the best of ways.
Islamic history is filled with examples of women who were wives and
mothers, who focused completely on their tasks of being wives and/or
mothers, and produced the likes of Imam Ahmedrahimahu allah (may God
have mercy on him).8 We take those examples as a community and we
reiterate the noble status of such incredible women.
But we also have examples of people who were not only wives and not
only mothers, but those who were both of those, one of those, or none of
those, and still were able to use the passions, talents and skills Allah (swt)
blessed them with to worship Him through serving His creation, through
calling His creation back to His Deen and leaving legacies for the
generations to come. Some of these women were wives and mothers and
dedicated their lives to focusing on their families completely and some of
them continued to serve the greater society at large.

Shaykh Mohammad Akram Nadwi mentions in his introduction to his

Dictionary of women hadithscholars, Al Muhadithaat, Not one [of the
8000 female hadith scholars he researched] is reported to have considered
the domain of family life inferior, or neglected duties therein, or
considered being a woman undesirable or inferior to being a man, or
considered that, given aptitude and opportunity, she had no duties to the
wider society, outside of the domain of family life.9
Female scholars in our history were focused on being family women when
they had families to whom they held responsibilities, and when able, they
also had goals and objectives in life which extended beyond the roles of
wifehood and motherhood. So what about someone who is not yet
married? Many single women are using their time to the utmost, focusing
on improving their skills and abilities to contribute back to
the ummah (community) and society at large. They are loving worshipping
Allah (swt) through investing in their abilities and using those for the
greater good. Perhaps we can all take from their example.
God, in His Wisdom, has created each one of us differently and in different
circumstances. Some recognize this, love any stage they are in, and
develop their abilities to the fullest. Let us, too, use the time and abilities
God has given us to maximize our worship to Him and work for the
betterment of society and humanity as a whole. If wifehood or motherhood
comes in the process, then at least we were using all of our ability to
worship Him before it came and can continue to use the training and
stamina we gained before marriage to worship Him with excellence once it
comes along.
If there are parents, families and communities that are pressuring women
to get married and have kids: Be grateful Allah (swt) has blessed you with
daughters, married or unmarried, mothers or not, as the Prophet has

said, Do not be averse to daughters, for they are precious treasures that
comfort your heart.10 We are putting more pressure on our sisters than
they can emotionally and psychologically handle. Let us give them space,
let them find themselves and establish their relationships with Allah (swt).

Allah (swt) created us to worship Him. That is our number one role. Now,
let us do our part and figure out how best we can fulfill the purpose for
which weve been created.

1.

Al Bayhaqi []

2.

Al-Nasaai []

3.

Quran, 51:56 []

4.

Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007): pg. 93.

Print. []

5.

Ibid []

6.

Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007): pg. 95.

Print. []

7.

Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007). Print.

[]

8.

The Code of Scholars, Muhammad Alshareef. EmanRush, 2008. CD []

9.

Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007): pg. XV.

Print. []

10.

Al Haythami, Majma al zawaid, vii. 286, as cited in Al Muhadithaat. []