Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Overloaded Sentences
Avoid sentences that contain more information than the reader can
easily follow. Instead, divide such sentences into more manageable
pieces that can be easily grasped.
Weak-
Because researchers
interested
in speech
synthesis
and
steel,
work
request,
IJ-117,
was
prepared
by
Plant
At times he may indulge himself with a long one [sentence], but he will
make sure there are no folds in it, no vaguenesses, no parenthetical
interruptions of its view as a whole; when he has done with it, it wont be
a sea-serpent with half of its arches under the water; it will be a torchlight procession. (57 words)
Long sentences can become confusing when we put too much
information in brackets, overuse which clauses or make our subjects
too wordy.
Overloading sentences with information in brackets
Take this example that I found in the Australian Financial Review during
the GFC.
For example, the conversion of former US investment banking giants
Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley into commercial banks (which have
tougher capital requirements) had the unintended consequence of
squeezing funding to hedge funds which in turn has exacerbated their
dumping of assets across world markets. (45 words)
I have highlighted which as causing the sentence overload, but it has
an additional problem. I am not sure who their relates to (unclear
antecedent) whos doing the dumping?
Overloading the subject with too many words
Sentences that have a lengthy subject (nominal group or noun phrase)
are difficult to read.
[The young male rats that were from the same colony as the rats with
symptoms of the disease, but which do not show sign of the disease at
this stage of their development] were used as the control group.
Rewritten to make the subject shorter:
3
[The symptom-free young male rats] were used as the control group.
These rats were from the same colony as the rats showing symptoms of
the disease.
What other causes of overloaded sentences have you noticed?
Writing is less about putting words on a page or screen than it is about
putting
thoughts
in
order.
Our job as writers is to clarify the world and ideas for our audience. That
means illuminatingshowing something that was hidden beforeand
simplifyingsorting out ideas, phenomena and events that are tangled
and
difficult
to
understand.
How many ideas are crammed into that one sentence? Yes, its
grammatically correct, but it has 5 dependent clauses, 9 prepositional
phrases and 51 words. No, Im not going to give an eighth-grade lesson
in grammar or parsing sentences. Im saying thats too much for any
audience. There are at least 14 different, if linked ideas in it.
You have learned a sentence is a single complete thought. While it
makes sense to link thoughts together, when you get a chain long
enough to wrap around your winter tires, its too long.
How about this one:
Organizational problem
Sentence overload is caused when you have so much to say and
you try to get it all out at once. The solution: get a GRIP on your
sentences as well as your whole document:
Goal: what are you trying to accomplish with these thoughts? What
do you want your readers to do after reading?
Reader: whom are you saying it to? What do they already know,
what do you want them to know?
Plan:
what
other
information
does
the
audience
need
to
regulatory
department
of
India
to
formulate
board
develop
strategic
priorities,
research,
evaluation
and
programs.
The importance
of
healthy
nutrition
is
gaining
recognition
Based on last years results, and since the target audience is very
well-defined and the product was developed for, and extensively
tested with that audience, we expect the following results in
2010/11:
The product was developed for a specific audience and tested with
it. Based on those results, we can expect the following in 20102011:
From fiction:
Tristan blinked, his head moving up, not realizing he was so tired,
normally he was more than energized and almost always ready to
6
go.
This actually combines several problems common in fiction from
new writers: more detail than the reader needs or wants, and
telling
Tristans
instead
head
of
showing.
nodded
would
involuntarily.
amend
Whats
up,
it
to:
Tristan?
Have fun!
1: Management is pleased to be receiving a positive response from
employees about the relocation of headquarters from Toronto to Calgary,
although there are some concerns about the merger due to the cultural
differences between the Calgary employees versus those from Toronto,
so in response to growing concerns, management is taking action in
order to ensure co-operation and compatibility between teams.
2. I recently completed a kitchen remodel and on July 2 I ordered by
telephone double-glazed, oak French doors from Quality Doors, Inc, that
were required for this job, which when they arrived on July 25, my
carpenter told me were cut too small, measuring total of 2.31 square
metres wide instead of 2.33 square metres wide, so my carpenter
offered rebuild the opening but charging me for his time $455.50
because I waited three weeks for these doors, and my clients wanted
them installed immediately.
Cairo,
Egypt,
is
large
city
because
it
is
so
vast.
______________________________________________________________________
2. About 55 percent of all the voters voted against the corporations
management. Thats more than half of all voters. It just goes to show
you how foolish people can be.
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
What happens when we overload sentences?